"Independence Day": So bad, even trailers for "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" are better than it. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry's wedding dress is gonna put the "ass" in "Class". (Yeeeah!)

Kourtney Kardashian got the shat photoshopped right out of her. (The Blemish)

Awwwww, Simon Cowell dissed that show no one cares about. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh holy mother of Godtopus YES; Matt Damon is guest starring on "30 Rock". (Celebitchy)

Oh, isn't this charming: Jesse James dressed like a nazi and saluted "der furher". (Celebslam)

You can now check out Christina Aguilera's new single, which is in no way a Lady Gaga rip-off. (HollyWire)

Paris Hilton is wearing knee pads: 3 guesses as to what those are for. (CelebSmack)

Hey look, even more whores! (usemycomputer)

Damn, when did Chris "Robin Batnipples" O'Donnell get hot? (popbytes)

"Window Seat", the first single from Erykah Badu's upcoming "New Amerykah part 2: Return of the Ankh," was released recently, and it looks like she's trying to drum up publicity by claiming she didn't bother getting a permit to shoot her video, which features her stripping in public in Texas, so that she could get arrested. Ummmmmm...What?

The promo's producers, duo Coodie and Chike, even had bail money on hand to free Badu from the cells when the shoot was over - but the plan fell flat when local cops failed to notice the film crew.

Dallas Police Department Senior Corporal Janice Crowther tells MTV News, "They definitely did not get a permit. To shoot that video they would have had to get a special events permit from the events office and it would have had to specify what type of filming they were doing, what subjects they would use and any traffic control they would need." (Source)

A couple initital thoughts on the video: Erykah Badu looks pretty goddamn fine. "Inspired by" is apparently now synonymous with "Completely ripped off from". And why the hell would anyone want to arrest Erykah Badu? I'm just saying, if you're going to arrest someone for making music videos, why not Lady Gaga?

Plucked ever so lovingly from the bathshit insane vine of Crazy Tits' twitter feed, the "100% lesbian" famewhore decided that she was going to go on Twitter and say that she's going to rape her boyfriend. She probably didn't mean actual, rape, but if she at least saisd she did, can we throw her in jail forever? Oh, pwetty, pwetty pweeeeeeeeease?

Goodnight everyone!!! He's getting grumpy but imma rape this fool anyway! Im already on top of him!!! LOLOLOL see u tomorrow! POW! xox

This muthefucker better make me a baby when I rape his ass while eating a pizza, riding him and tweeting all at the same time! RAPE!!! LOL (Source)

Yes, I think we can pretty much sum up all of Crazy Tits' views, opinions and general personality on the last two words alone: "RAPE!!! LOL" Because you know, being sexually assaulted by someone? A laugh riot! I can't wait for Disney's The Princess and the Rape, which according to CT is going to be THE feel-good family movie of the year.

Oh God, remember when reporting about Heidi and Spencer was fun because they were both really, really stupid and it felt really good to laugh at their pain? Well I think we might be back on the right track here, because the dual-headed cerberus that is Speidi have announced that they've given themselves "Indian Names", which is only slightly ahead of your old, crotchety Grandpa calling black people "coloreds" on the list of "awkward, embarrassing and probably racist."

Heidi Montag has altered her identity yet again -- sans plastic surgery this time -- after she and Spencer Pratt decided to give themselves "true native-American names" in an effort to become more spiritual.

So ... goodbye Heidi and Spencer ... hello White Wolf and Running Bear, respectively. (Source)

Even though the entire universe was making fun of Lindsay Lohan for having cocaine spilling out of her damn shoes earlier this week, she for some reason took umbrage with George Lopez for it. Oh, and just so you know, it was baby powder, jerks.

"thanks for the childish comment regarding baby powder in my shoes to loosen up the leather* don't you have kids?" Lindsay tweeted. "U wouldn't wanna hear that about them, or would you? Act like a grown man, have some respect and dignity for yourself."

Naturally this turned into a twitter showdown, which inexplicably ended with Lindsay Lohan agreeing to appear on George Lopez's show next week.

Lopez responded by inviting Lindsay on his show to make her case. "@lindsaylohan you want me to stop talking about you I will .. Come and tell me .. To my face .. I'll stop !! Respectfully," he tweeted. "let's take this off twitter .. Come on the show .. I've met you before and don't have anything against you."

It looks like Lindsay took him up on his offer! "Here's the latest @lindsaylohan is scheduled to appear on Lopez Tonight next tuesday .. Chill !" Lopez tweeted. (Source)

I don't know when the last time Lindsay Lohan has actually made any kind of public appearance, so it's anybody's guess how many sheets to the wind she'll be. In other news, George Lopez is having the Best Week Ever®! It just goes to show: One day you can be the poor man's Carlos Mencia and the next you can possibly schedule a falling starlet's last television appearance before she OD's. I think that's what they refer to as the "American Dream."

Like every good celebrity who's sorry because he got caught, Sandra Bullock's estranged husband Jesse James has entered rehab as news of a fifth mistress hit the media.

No official word on what type of rehab he has entered, but TMZ.com reports he is being treated at the Sierra Tucson, in Tucson, Ariz., which specializes in drug, alcohol and sex addiction, as well as other disorders. TMZ reports that it has confirmed with a Sierra Tucson therapist that James, 40, attended a 6 p.m. treatment session Tuesday night.

Still no official word from Bullock, 45, but a source close to the Oscar winning actress recently told Us Weekly: "Knowing the kind of person she is, I'd be shocked if she contemplated going back to him." (Source)

If I were Sandra I wouldn't take him back either. Sure rehab can maybe make you forget all about that pesky booze problem or heroin addiction, but it still can't make you unfuck a Nazi. I think that's even one of the lesser known tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Dreamworks released How To Train Your Dragon, which oughta net them some goodwill before they squander it all on Shrek 4: Mike Myers Needs a Down Payment on his New Mansion.(Pajiba)

Ha ha, Katy Perry got a face full of green slime on The Kids Choice Awards. (Yeeeah!)

Get ready for the grossest sex tape EVER. Even grosser than the ones with Mini-Me and Screech. (The Blemish)

Today's cherished childhood memory comes from Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott posing for the cameras while their kids fight. Adorable? (Seriously? OMG!)

Lady Gaga can mentally give herself a big O? Ew, too much info. (Celebitchy)

Here's Kim Kardashian doing something no one cares about at a place no one cares about. (BricksandStones)

The guy who wrote Battlefield Earth has issued a public apology for the movie, and actually? it's kinda funny. (Agent Bedhead)

To the shock and awe of absolutely no one, Ross and Rachel hate each other again. (Evil Beet)

You know, normally when I go grocery shopping, I like wearing clothes and not acting like a coked-out hooker, but then again, I'm not Crazy Tits. Here she is, grocery shopping wearing only her laundry and randomly placing shit on the floor so that she can pick them up sexually and OH DEAR GOD KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE. Holy Christ, is that even human? Christ, I don't care how religious you are, no loving God would allow something like this to live. Now I'm not saying Crazy Tits should die, but...Actually, yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Tila Tequila needs to die in as horrifically painful a way as humanly possible.

How much must it suck to be Carrie Prejean's PR agent? She basically ran her name into the ground saying gay people were second-class citizens, badmouthed the Miss California pageant and had multiple sex tapes leaked, and you're expected to put a positive spin on that? The only way it could get worse is if she didn't pay you, which is (Surprise!) exactly what she did. Bitch.

The group -- A. Larry Ross Communications -- claims Prejean contacted them back in April, 2009 and logged "hundreds of hours" helping Prejean spread her "biblically correct" message.

But according to the lawsuit, filed earlier this month in Texas, Prejean's actions were the opposite of Christian -- because she never paid the $64,857 bill. (Source)

You know, it's so weird, but I really can't remember there being an 11th commandment that says "Thou shalt not pay the PR firm working to clean up your ruined image," though I guess Carrie must have found it in there somewhere. Evidently, she must have also found the 12th commandment, "Thou shalt be a holier-than-thou, self-righteous whore with big fake tits and a general disdain for everyone who is not you."

During a rehearsal clip on last night's "Dancing With the Washed-Up Losers," Kate Gosselin acted like a giant whiny baby because she sucks at dancing and forced her dancing partner Tony Dovolani to storm off, threatening to quit. Dovolani complained that "Nothing in dancing is natural to Kate" while Kate on the other hand, blamed his teaching methods. Right. It's the world-renowned dance instructor's fault, not the yokel from Berks County, PA with a "Winnie the Pooh" tattoo on her ankle. Well it's good to see she's back to doing what she's always done best, anyway. Not dancing, of course -- but belittling and undermining effeminate men. And since there's no paunchy Asian dudes with receding hairlines on the show fucking up the coupons, I guess the fruit in the vest will have to do.

Heidi Montag and her butchered face showed up to a "Hills" photoshoot over the weekend with a team of bodyguards (pictured above, via her Facebook page) and generally acted like a huge, jackassy diva the entire time because she doesn't fully grasp that her 15 minutes is nearly up. Aww, how precious.

PerezHilton.com reported earlier Monday that Montag, 23, showed up with four bodyguards and "Audrina [Patridge], Kristin [Cavallari], Stephanie [Pratt] and Lo [Bosworth] were all shocked." She then "refused to take part in a group shot, even though she had agreed to it beforehand." (MTV will Photoshop her in later, it was reported.)

When asked about her behavior, a source tells Us she replied, "I'm a movie star now!" (She just finished filming her cameo on Just Go With It, which stars Jennifer Aniston.) (Source)

Congratulations Heidi. She had a cameo in an Adam Sandler movie as herself, which puts her up there with other hallowed institutions of film such as Bob Barker. You should have seen the way the fame went to Bob Barker's head. I heard that after Happy Gilmore, if his Metamucil wasn't served at exactly 72 degrees he'd throw it back in your face. True story.

So after years of speculation, Barbara Walters acting like a total bitch, and enough "Livin' La Vida Homo" jokes to make even Carlos Mencia cringe visibly, Ricky Martin came out yesterday as a gay man. Not that I'm totally not happy that he did or anything, but isn't National Redundancy Day of Redundancy next week?

If someone asked me today, "Ricky, what are you afraid of?" I would answer "the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war...child slavery, terrorism...the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith." But fear of my truth? Not at all!  On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am. (Source)

On the one hand, it's nice to see someone come out on their own terms and say that they're proud to be who they are, but on the other hand, I've been waiting ten (TEN!) goddamn years to whip out some "Ricky Martin is gay!" jokes. They should rename it "He Bangs"! No wonder there are five different gay porn stars named "Ricky Martinez"! Something tells me he wants a man in his Bon-Bon! Alright, sorry about that. Consider that payment for making me wait so damn long, Ricky.

If you don't want to remember the 80's as being supremely embarrassing, do not go see "Hot Tub Time Machine." (Pajiba)

I have to admit, I saw this picture and thought "Whore whore whore! How do you like it, how do you like it..." (Yeeeah!)

Here are Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth together, and if you go "Eeeee!" at this picture, you're a bigger homo then I, good sir. (The Blemish)

Uma Thurman's new movie, Motherhood, bombed in the UK, with only 11 people going to see it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Well of course Chloe Sevigny and her stupid umlaut are blaming her chronic bitchiness on someone else. (Celebitchy)

Here's Katy Perry about two strings away from flashing her boobs at a whole lot of 11-year-olds. (Celebslam)

Gerard Butler may have slipped Jennifer Aniston the finger. Shocker! (HollyWire)

Holy mother of GOD does the new Paris Hilton song ever suck. Believe me, no matter how bad you think it is, it's even WORSE. (CelebSmack)

Oh, look, whores. (usemycomputer)

Lady Gaga celebrated her birthday this past weekend, so obviously, here's the crazy fan mash-up. (Allie Is Wired)

Here's Mya wearing one super fugly dress, because...Ummmmm, yeah. (Evil Beet)

Remember all those MTV Spring Break shows from back in the day where a bunch of sluts and roid-ragers would yell at the camera for an hour while some douchebag MTV VJ would try desperately to say absolutely anything into the camera? Well, one of the producers from the show is telling-all, and he's got a story about Paris Hilton being a filthy hooker; Which, really, shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone here.

I wasn't there, but this is maybe the most famous MTV Spring Break story ever. Paris Hilton, again. One day, a wardrobe woman went back to one of the temporary tents that are set up around the stage. Paris Hilton was there, and she was on her hands and knees, taking it from behind from some rock star. I can't remember who. It was one of those late-'90s bands with one name and a bunch of bad goatees. Like, Fuel or something. Anyway, this woman walks in, and Paris raises her hand and says, "Busy." (Source)

First, can I just say how appropriate it is that Paris Hilton does it doggy-style? Up top, y'all. Second, who the hell are we kidding, right? This is probably one of the more dignified things she's ever done with her life. Christ, compared to "The Simple Life," this is like going around giving soup to the homeless. But we all know that will never happen because Paris Hilton is an awful person, and also because she doesn't have the cognitive functions necessary to ladle out chicken noodle soup.

So The Black Eyed Peas were playing a concert (I'm using that term in the loosest sense, people), when Fergie decided to skip around like a Kindergarten prostitute and proceeded to wipe out onstage. And I don't mean like a little tumble that you can barely see, I mean the bitch literally left skid marks. HA! I know I should feel way worse for her, but remember "Boom Boom Pow?" She deserves it.

Lindsay Lohan was leaving a party over the weekend seemingly unaware that some sort of white powder was puffing out of her shows and covering her feet. Say it with me now: OH Lindsay...

Lindsay Lohan was leaving a friends house in Los Angeles on Saturday when a generous amount of unidentified white powder started puffing out of her shoes. In some angles, it appeared there was smoke puffing out of her feet, and upon closer inspection, you can see her shoes and ankles are covered in the substance. (Source)

Come on now. I see a perfectly good purse there in her hand. There's no need to be stashing your coke in your heels. Unless she fell for that old myth that the police aren't allowed to search inside your shoes, of course -- in which case I would have thought she would have learned her lesson by now after the whole "putting a penny in your mouth tricks a breathalyzer" thing.

BOO-YAH! Suck it Bieber fans. Anyway, this is from The Kids Choice Award (which, sadly, are still about as reputable as The Grammys), where Katy ate a heaping helping of green slime then went to first base with a 12-year-old lesbian, while Bieber, on the other hand, became the youngest lesbian to ever contract mouth herpes.You know what they say, "what happens at the Kids Choice Awards STAYS at the kids choice award, unless it's sexually related." Isn't that right, Jaime Lynn Spears?

I didn't really care when I heard the Lilith Fair tour was making a comeback, because I wasn't all that interested in that hairy armpit music the first time around. However, the baby-doll-dress-with-combat-boots set might be disappointed to learn who's being signed on.

Terminally chipper Disney princess Selena Gomez has just signed on for the 2010 edition of the tour, the first since 1999. Which should add a sorely needed dose of sugar to the typically granola-heavy tour.

Also bringing the party to the concertgoers this year: "Tik Tok" songstress Ke$ha, who if all goes well may learn a thing or two about manners from the Wizards of Waverly Place star during the road jaunt. (Source)

Selena Gomez and "Ke$ha?" Ugh. Why even bother calling it Lilith Fair? They should just call it the Shitty Manufactured Pop Music That Little Girls Who Haven't Gotten Their First Periods Yet Listen To Fair. Guess that doesn't have the same ring to it, though.

Now that someone finally racked up enough brain cells to mercy-kill "The Hills" (Editor's note: HA!), you'd think the cast would have no choice but to go out into the world and get (gulp) real jobs. But of course, you'd be wrong because your stupid, stupidhead. Real jobs are peasants! Which is why Heidi decided to write a script for a 3-D movie about her boobs fighting a shark. No, really. She did.

"After working with Oscar-winner Ron Howard on a short film project [for FunnyorDie.com] and then working for days with the comedic genius director Dennis Dugan and his team of brilliant comedy visionaries at Happy Madison on Just Go With It starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, I have been able to truly find what makes me the happiest in life," Montag says.

And what might that be? "Getting to truly show the world my creative ability ... while playing ... different characters."

One of the characters Montag wants to play is "a lifeguard named Summer" in a script she wrote herself. (Source)

First off, I love how the first part she mentions is the 3-D aspect, because really, the "Sharks vs. Tits" story just wouldn't be believable without it. Second, I don't think she actually wrote an entire script herself, so much as she got some letter magnets, spelled "SHARCK" and "BRESTS" on the fridge, then called someone in to ghost-write the rest of it. Believe me, it's how they came up with the script for Transformers 2.

Remember a couple days ago when Stacey posted those pictures of Lindsay Lohan falling into a cactus and we all laughed at her for being an alcoholic? Oh, the good ol' days...Well, Lindsay said the paparazzi pushed her into cactus, but as it turns out, she was already a screaming, drunken mess before they ever showed up. I know, I'm as shocked as you are on this one.

Spies tell us that Lohan was already a mess earlier in the night at the Chateau Marmont. One witness said, "Lindsay was with a group of friends and freaked out when she thought she'd lost her handbag, going round looking under people's tables. But eventually she realized she'd left it on a chair on the other side of the room. Then she locked herself in a toilet stall and began screaming on her phone, saying: 'I can't believe you are not here!' When a girl at the sink asked her if she was OK, she told her to get lost. Once back outside she got grumpy when a friend told her she looked tired." (Source)

That's it? Please. Anyone who knows Lindsay knows that there was probably WAY more involved than just a lost purse and a little screaming. Chances are she also ended up getting a job as a bartender, then fired moments later for being an incompetent skank. And then her Dad probably got a DUI and then Lindsay decided she was a lesbian again. *Checks list* Yup, that's all of them. That's our Lindsay!

A year ago today, Amanda Foley Amos lost her battle with Leukemia. In her honour, feel free to read her review of "The Haunted Looking Glass". (Pajiba)

And now back to our snark. Ugh, gross, why does Kesha look like an orca? (Yeeeah!)

Oh, so just in case you were wondering about the reason Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian split, it's because he cheated on her. Well d'uh. (The Blemish)

Here's a look at the many faces of the weirdly-bearded Ben Stiller. (Seriously? OMG!)

So apparently, Taylor Swift is dating pretty much everyone EVER. (Celebitchy)

Glee's Sue Sylvester talks about how gays need to swish it up. (popbytes)

Here's Alyson Hannigan and her baby OH MY GOD SO CUTE! ... Sorry about that. (BricksandStones)

Oh wow, so the poster for the new Twilight movie is...just, wow. Really? That? Okay then. (Agent Bedhead)

Shockingly, the whore who fucked Jesse James might be a money grubbing liar. I know, I'm as surprised as you are. (POTP)

So as it turns out, Amy Winehouse is still delightfully crazy. (Evil Beet)

YES! I knew she was a robot! *Raises fists into the air* STEVE HOLT! Okay, so actually this is just the artwork for Christina Aguilera's upcoming album artwork, but still, I'm willing to bet good money that the woman is actually a cyborg. Mark my words: in about two years, I see her becoming sentient and launching a war on humanity in order to find and kill Sarah Connor. Well, either that or on one of those "Whatever Happened To..." shows on VH1. But I prefer the outcome that involves Skynet.

Here's a youtube video of teen sensation Justin Bieber -- whom Jeremy refers to as the 12-year-old lesbian -- blow drying his hair. BLOW DRYING HIS HAIR. Seriously, who is this little taint stain and WHHHY do we care about him blow drying his hair? I refuse to wikipedia this shit. No, you know what, don't tell me. There are just some things I'd rather be kept in the dark about. Like Justin Bieber, United States War Crimes and where the meat in Taco Bell food comes from.

Hey, remember that guy Puck from The Real World? Yeah me neither, because I never watched that show because I have these weird things called "dignity" and "a functioning brain." [Ed. note: HEY! I remember Puck!] [JF. note: Sorry!] Anyway, for those of you who do remember Puck, who was apparently a huge douche. Well it looks like he still is, because he got arrested last week on DUI charges after crashing his car. With his eight-year-old son inside.

Real World San Francisco star David "Puck" Rainey was arrested on charges of driving under the influence after he and his 8-year-old son were involved in a car crash, California Highway Patrol said.

"Due to a level to his level of intoxication, he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road way," Brian Pennings, a highway patrol spokesman, told TVGuide.com Wednesday. (Source)

You know, I complain about my dad sometimes, but usually it has nothing to do with the fact that he ran his car off the road after one too many mojitos while I was riding shot gun. No, normally it's just the usual parental stuff, and not the insane "someone call child services because this man is unfit to care for minors" stuff. Ugh, my dad is soooooo uncool like that.

Sources have confirmed that the sixth season of "The Hills" which premieres on April 27th will in fact be the final season. I wish I could say I wasn't sad ... But oh wait, I'm not.

"We are lucky and honored to have worked with this cast and tell their stories for this long, and we are grateful to the many dedicated fans who have stuck with us over the years," MTV's President of Programming Tony DiSanto said in a statement. "We owe it to those fans, the cast and the show to go out on a high note. And this season will deliver on that goal in terms of drama, story, real emotion and an organic culmination of this saga." (Source)

The only way I could possibly see this show going out on a "high note" is if Heidi and Spencer Thelma-and-Louise'd it off the edge of the Grand Canyon in a convertible. They'd be so pumped about the ratings they wouldn't even see the flaw in their little plan. Of course for that to happen, one of them should ideally bang Brad Pitt first. I'm looking at Spencer.

So Tina Fey was on "The Late Show" with David Letterman to promote her upcoming movie "Date Night", and of course, the subject of "30 Rock" came up. As it turns out, people in Germany aren't big fans of the show, and Tracy Morgan makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. You know, it's so weird; I knew a guy who acts the exact same way that Tina Fey just described Tracy Morgan. Mind you, the guy does crystal meth, soooooo ...Yeah. Stay away from crystal meth, kids. It'll lead you to do some really stupid things...Like appearing in "Cop Out."

So Kevin Smith made a steaming piece of crap and is now being a big whiny bitch because critics are calling him out for making a steaming piece of crap. (Pajiba)

So Brittany Murphy's widower? He might be dating her mom now. Altogether: OHMYGODWHATTHEHELLSOGROSS. (Yeeeah!)

In "Douchiest Couple Ever" alert, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne might be banging. (The Blemish)

Oh good, Brad Pitt finally explained why he has a merkin on his face. (Seriously? OMG!)

Let's check up on Gerard Butler for a sec...Yup, still absolutely gorgeous and charming and funny. (Celebitchy)

Is it really a good idea to let Nick Hogan near a race car after his negligence cause his friend to lose half his goddamn head? (Celebslam)

Oh look, The Kids' Choice Awards nominees have been announced...yay? (HollyWire)

Here's Dita Von Teese and her pet...something at the airport. (CelebSmack)

Here's your daily dose of sexy girls. (usemycomputer)

Ho. Lee. Crap. Watch this teaser for the all-Madonna episode of Glee and see if you don't spontaneously combust due to FABULOUSNESS. (popbytes)

Here's Kesha doing her best unintentional impression of a 50-year-old woman. (Source)

I know, I'm as shocked as you are here. So after breaking up with Jamie Kennedy, she released her new book, "The Day I Shot Cupid". And what better way to sell a book than with a pair of freakishly long legs. I mean HOLY CRAP, as much as we make fun of JLoHew for being generally crazycakes and kinda desperate in every sense of the word, the woman looks absolutely GORGEOUS here. Seriously, if it wasn't for the fact that she might break into your home dressed as a French Maid, then burst into tears while boiling your pets alive, she might even be some primo marriage material.

So apparently, Justin Bieber's manager, Scott Braun, is looking at jail time after he refused to post on Twitter that an event Justin was supposed to be at was canceled, causing massive amounts of shithouse rat insane girls to trample each other, landing one girl in the hospital. Because it's in no way the fans' fault for being grade-A bananaramabatshit nuts, right?

The incident which triggered the matter occurred last November at the Roosevelt Field mall when fans got out of control and at least one girl was hospitalized.

We're told cops asked Braun to Tweet that the event had been canceled but they say he refused to do so.

Braun faces one year in jail if convicted. (Source)

Wow, and to think, all this could have been avoided if those fans had just realized that Justin Bieber is (A) probably a huge gay, and (B) 16-years-old, which means if he did sleep with one of his fans, they'd probably be hauled off to jail for statutory rape because they are goddamn pedophiles. Seriously, get over it; he's a goddamn child. Get a friggin' life.

It looks like after years and years of annoying the general public, throwing her writers under the bus and pretty much annoying everyone on her show, Katherine Heigl is finally leaving Grey's Anatomy to make terrible romantic comedies. I know, I can hardly contain my excitement either. Weeeeeee.

"I am done," Heigl tells EW's Michael Ausiello in this week's cover story. "We just finalized our agreement. Everyone had been working really hard to find an amicable and gracious way of letting go and moving on. It's sad but it's what I wanted."

And we have already seen the very last of Izzie Stevens.

ABC insiders confirm that although Heigl was slated to shoot five more episodes this season, her final episode on the series aired Jan. 21. (Source)

Faaaaaantastic. Because really, what the world really needs right now is another installment of "27 Dresses". On the plus side, it does open the door for a replacement doctor on the show. I hear the writers are thinking of either calling her "Doctor McBitchey" or "Doctor McHorridBlondeWitchWhoShitAllOverOurScript".

Lindsay Lohan was on her way to a party in Los Angeles last night when she spied a particularly comfortable-looking cactus bush and decided to take a little rest. Or, you know, she got drunk and fell down. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt isn't exactly my strong suite.

Good news for those of you who like their women with an ass the size mini-van and an IQ to match: Kim Kardashian has split up with Reggie Bush. Yeah, I know, what a downer. Now she can go back to doing...Ummmm, whatever exactly the hell it is that Kim Kardashian does. Does being a famewhore with a huge ass count as a job?

Socialite and reality TV star KIM KARDASHIAN has split from American footballer REGGIE BUSH, according to U.S. reports.

Kardashian has been dating the New Orleans Saints star on and off for over two years.

The pair got back together in late September 2009 after announcing a "break" last July (09), but now Kardashian and Bush have decided to take "time off" again, reports TMZ.com. (Source)

Well, good for her! It's about time she got back into the dating game. Kim Kardashian entering the single's world again is like releasing an animal back into the wild, only instead of a whale swimming free in the ocean, it's Kim Kardashian going out and getting drunk and getting herpes. Although to be fair, Kim's ass does weigh about as much as a Killer Whale. All I'm saying is, don't be too surprised if you see her jump over a small boy in order to get into some club in WeHo.

So here are the best films lead by a black actress. Seriously: Hells to the yeah for Precious. (Pajiba)

Miley Cyrus is a redhead now. Hooray? (Yeeeah!)

I know MJ's death happened almost a year ago at this point, but HOLY CRAP, his doctor stopped giving him CPR and didn't call 911 so that he could hide his drugs. (The Blemish)

Looks like Hank Azaria is going to be eating smurfs. Or turning them into gold. Wait, what was Gargamel trying to do again? (Seriously? OMG!)

So not only is that stupid Kesha bitch trashing Britney, but she may be back on the crazy train. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, Hilary Duff got herself some lip implants. (BricksandStones)

Okay, ewwww; Amy Winehouse refers to her vagina as her "Little Va-Jew-Jew." Do we really need to know anything about her vagina? (Agent Bedhead)

Ugh, the whore Jesse James is banging is completely delusional. (POTP)

Carrie Underwood dedicated a song to her driver who died, and in all honesty? Pretty classy. (Evil Beet)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan has finally found herself a job after losing every single one she had for being a talentless drug-addict; She's going to be designing handbags for Ed Hardy, the preferred designer for date-raping fratboys, the fat, Asian Spencer Pratt, and various other people who have no sense of self-awareness or the ability to realize when they look like a complete douchebag.

According to E! Online, Lindsay is in talks with Ed Hardy to design a line of handbags. "Lindsay and the design team at Ed Hardy have mutual friends, and they knew she was interested in looking for a handbag license and partner," an E! source claimed. "They thought she'd be a good fit and so did she." Well, she tarnished Ungaro with her designs, so why not take down Ed Hardy now too?! (Source)

Well of course, she's going to be designing for Ed Hardy. We all know that the people who actually make the shirts are either sniffing glue 24/7 or are far too stupid to realize that their t-shirts are the equivalent of giant billboards that say "I'm a colossal asshole and please please PLEASE punch me directly in the face as hard as you possibly can."

Because apparently you just can't be a great singer anymore without being a crazy, demanding bitch, Mary J. Blige apparently acted like a total asshat at the Florida Jazz Festival this weekend when she snubbed the press and held up the entire concert. Move over Mariah Carey, looks like we have a new "Crazy Diva Jackass who hasn't made a good album in years yet still acts like a huge douchebag!"

A source tells the New York Daily News, "Her handlers kept saying that she would 'go onstage when she was ready'. But it was almost midnight when she got on, which took the entire festival into overtime."

The insider adds, "While she sat in her limousine, her personal guards came into the press tent to clear out the area like they were the Secret Service. They first demanded that all print and online journalists be kicked out because Mary didn't want to take questions. They were acting like she was Michelle Obama or Queen Elizabeth.

"When Mary finally emerged from her car, she walked into the tent for literally two minutes wearing dark shades - even though it was night time. She struck one pose and then walked off without bothering to say a single word. Her antics were extreme and unwarranted." (Source)

Oh Mary J...You so cuh-RAY-ZAY! And by that I mean get the fuck over yourself. You think there aren't millions of people more talented and less demanding than you are? Please. I've seen six-year-olds more talented than her, and they'll sing for a Juicy-Juice and a Fudgsicle. And they won't be a gigantic bitch about kicking the press out and holding up an entire concert because they're not ready.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's new book comes out today, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic -- no really, it's REALLY called that -- and she gave an interview to USA Today about what a loser she is. That's what I got out of it, anyway.

Q: Your book is coming out at the same time that the breakup of your year-long relationship with Kennedy is in the news. What's that like?

A: It's not the ideal situation, but the thing I'm really happy about is that I never say in the book that I know how to find perfect love or how to be in the perfect relationship. I'm thrust back into the dating world as the book is coming out, so I feel more than ever that people will know I'm kind of with them in the trenches.

Q: How does it feel to be single again?

A: It's what life handed me, and I'm OK with it. I know wholeheartedly that I'm a really good partner. I think I'm a really good girlfriend, and I think that I could be a really good wife. I know that I love being able to give my love out to someone. I know there is somebody great out there for me.

Jesus. She sounds like a walking Match.com commercial. Which incidentally, wouldn't be such a bad idea for her. It sounds like the most logical step between "getting dumped Jamie Kennedy" and "owning no less than a dozen cats" anyway. And who knows, maybe she just might find her special someone! Oh, ha ha ha. I can't even type that with a straight face.

"Dancing With The Washed-Up Has Beens No One Cares About" premiered last night to the apathy of pretty much everyone ever, and surprisingly, Kate Gosselin performed incredibly well, displaying grace and- AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, almost made it through that with a straight face. No, she actually failed pretty miserably. You just know that somewhere out there, her eight kids are watching this going "Are you kidding me? She ditched us for three months for this?!" On the plus side, chances are Jon Gosselin will never be on this show, although he might get lucky with "Celebrity Fit Club!" Or "COPS." Whichever comes first, really.

So Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen got married last week, and neither Stacey or I bothered covering it because weddings are totally goddamn boring, but details are leaking now and it's a REALLY slow news day (I mean painfully slow), so now we're gonna talk about their private, intimate wedding that was only attended by six guests. Incidentally, that's the exact number of people who thought Bruno was actually funny.

And those six had to move quickly. In an effort to keep the celebration quiet, the bride and groom gave their loved ones "very little notice" ahead of the nuptials, according to Australia's WHO magazine.

In an interview a year ago, Fisher revealed her yearning for a private ceremony. "It's very important to me to have a beautiful ritual celebrated with my family and friends," she said. "And when you are in the public eye, to keep that private and to make it happen without it being really visible is really difficult." (Source)

Awwww, it's just like the fairy tale wedding I used to act out with my Beanie Babies (What? I grew up in the 90's.) Only I didn't sell the story to some random Australian rag. And I can't get legally married in most countries. And my Beanie Baby husband ended up cheating on me with a Furby. I guess what I'm trying to say is, never get married, it'll ruin your entire life.

Jon Stewart has option Maziar Bahari's life story into a feature film. In related news, Jon Stewart = The Awesomesauce. (Pajiba)

Ugh, gross. Kesha (not Ke$ha) might have a sex tape off. I'll give you a minute to wipe your puke off the computer monitor. (Yeeeah!)

This really shouldn't surprise anyone, but Jesse James might be a friggin' nazi. (The Blemish)

Aziz Ansari is hosting the MTV movie awards. Ugh, way to suck Aziz Ansari. (Seriously? OMG!)

The secret to Chelsea Handler's amazing body? Vodka and Doritos. Yeah, really. (Celebitchy)

Remember how Lindsay got caught lying about saving 40 children in India? Well, looks like India is bringin' the banhammer down on her. (Celebslam)

Sorry kids, looks like Hogwarts may have literally burned to the ground. Blame Voldemort. (HollyWire)

Here's Crazy Tits hosting a garage sale, because we all know that you just can't buy meth with Bake Sale money. (CelebSmack)

Here's Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of "The Bounty Hunter". (usemycomputer)

Haha, Mariah Carey's crappy remix album got canceled. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. (Allie Is Wired)

Kesha (I refuse to put that stupid dollar sign in her name, so please stop) is apparently suffering the wrath of the crazy 13-year-old girls/40-year-old women who make up Justin Bieber's fan base after she mouthed off about how Justin Bieber essentially looks like a fetus with a bad haircut. Now she's apologizing on Twitter to get them off her back, because as we all know, Justin Bieber fans are goddamn psychotic.

The singer upset the 16 year old 's loyal fans by mentioning him in a recent interview with Maxim magazine, telling the publication, "He's such a tiny little baby! I would've loved to push him around on stage in a carriage."

Now the TiK ToK hitmaker has posted an apology on her Twitter.com page. She writes, "Dear Justin B. I am so sorry if my bad joke has hurt your feelings. U r (sic) obviously so talented and I would never mean to offend u (sic). I think u r rad (cool)." (Source)

Oh please, if you're going to apologize for anything, how about saying sorry for releasing a terrible album and being generally annoying as hell and trashier than a trailer park brothel. It's all about being comfortable with who you are, whether you're a methed-out, greasy-looking Lady Gaga rip off or a bratty, creepy, three-foot tall version of Ellen Degeneres.

Mila Kunis was in GQ this month looking all sexy to promote her new movie, and went on the record to say that Jason Segel, her love interest in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" had a pretty decent pecker. This might make you feel bad for her boyfriend, until you realize she's dating Macaulay Culkin (Him?), and the less you know about Macaulay Culkin's dick, the better.

On her sense of humor:
"I love a good dick joke. Fart jokes. Poop jokes. They're hilarious. They never get old. But especially not a dick joke."

On playing opposite a nude Jason Segel in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall':
"Look, I want it on the record, okay? It's a nice dick. Well proportioned. Handsome. I have nothing but good things to say about Jason Segel's penis." (Source)

To be honest, I think Jason Segel's dick is rather nice too. I mean, it's not like the guy has a Baynis, or his dick looks like an Easter ham. It's also nice because he doesn't go around saying it's 10 inches like some people when in fact it's probably like 8 inches TOPS, and even then I'm being generous...What were we talking about? Ah yes, Mila Kunis. I like her.

So Heidi Montag has said that she's not going to be getting anymore plastic surgery, not because she's happy with the way she looks or because if she gets any more botox she'll be physically incapable of blinking, but because it turns out her massive silicone funsacks are actually 100 cc of boob juice away from being illegal.

"I legally can't right now. The [size] limit [for breast implants] is 800cc and I have 700cc," the busty blond said Friday on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."

"I think I've reached the point [where I can stop]," she added. "I think I'm good for awhile. I'm surger-ied out."

Despite her obsession with her looks, Montag, who famously underwent 10 procedures in one day, denied claims that she is addicted to surgery.

"I don't think I am addicted," the 23-year-old reality star claimed. "When you're addicted, you have to do it every day, and thank God I don't do it everyday. I like to do it all in one day ... knock it out." (Source)

Please, like laws are going to stop Heidi Montag's cups from runnething over. That's like using one of those baby-proof gates they put at the top of stairs to stop a goddamn monster truck. Like my mother always told me, "you can lead a horseface to water, but you can't keep her from surgically injecting that water into her tits".

Perez Hilton, who's pretty much made a career out of being completely unfunny to anyone with an IQ greater than their shoe size and for MS Painting jizz stains on celebrities' faces, is now in some sort of Twitter feud with Crazy Tits, who's made a career of having an IQ less than her shoe size and having actual jizz stains on her face. See what I did there?

Tequila, who recently started up a new Twitter account and was tweeting every few minutes Tuesday night, fired back about an hour later.

"Look at this hater Perez Hilton always talking s--t," she wrote, promoting her new celebrity gossip blog, tilatequilaomg.com. The website, which says it's under construction and launching soon, has the tagline "OMG of all media." Hilton has dubbed himself the "Queen of all media."

She added Hilton is the one who will be out of a job soon.

"Perez Hilton who? Bye bye bitch. You're so 2 thousand and late! I'm taking over now and all the insiders know it." (Source)

This is what I love about the internet: Everyone finally has the opportunity to express their opinion, even when their opinion is completely and totally full of crap. It also gives stupid whores the chance to achieve fame by essentially boning anyone with a Myspace account until someone offers you a reality TV deal. See girls? All it takes to get ahead is to be a poorly tattooed troll with an "Open!" sign over your vagina.

The trailer for Jennifer Aniston's turkey baster movie is out, and it looks slightly less awful than imagined. (Pajiba)

So Kara Dioguardi, the chick from American Idol no one cares about, was in a bikini or something, and shockingly, no one still cares about her. (Yeeeah!)

One of the whores Tiger Woods banged put his text messages on the web, and holy crap, Tiger's a dirty bird. (The Blemish)

One of the chicks on America's Next Top Model fell twice last night, and one of those times involved being hit by a giant pendulum...Yeeeeeeeah. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awwww, how sweet, Gwyneth GOOPy Paltrow got down off her pedestal long enough to discover Fried Chicken. (Celebitchy)

Gisele Bundchen is still hotter than you could ever hope to be. (Evil Beet)

Oh wait, never mind: Britney Spears and Jason whatever are still together. (BricksandStones)

Yay! South Park is back tonight and they're taking on Tiger Woods, David Letterman and Bill Clinton! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh look, Megan Fox got voted as having the best butt. Hey, why not. (POTP)

I'd probably be more shocked about this cover touting Billion Dollar Babies if it were on anything other than Star magazine. (popbytes)

In a move that even a two-year-old could see coming from, like, 20 goddamn miles away, Heidi has ditched her stupid fake-psychic manager because shockingly, he was actually a money-grubbing gold digger and a total hack at his job. No way, the glorified Ouija Board couldn't get you work? Colour me stunned as hell.

On Monday, Montag, 23, began shooting a cameo in the comedy Just Go With It, starring Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. When reached for comment, Montag's rep told Us Thursday: "Aiden had nothing to do with securing Heidi's role in the movie."

But a source tells Us that Montag was "horrified" when he showed up on set, "demanding a significant portion of her Hills money." (Source)

Wow, so you mean the guy who pretended he could see into the future was actually just a scammer? No goddamn way. Next you'll be telling me that Spencer isn't leaving The Hills to fight cyber terrorism...HE ISN'T? Well good lord people, slow it down a little! I'm feeling a bit woozy right now. I may have to sit down before these shocking revelations turn my whole world upside down.

Here's what I love about Tina Fey: She tries to kinda downplay her sexiness, but every once in a while she'll absolutely blindside you with how goddamn hot she is to the point where you're eyeballs pop out of your head and go "YIP! YIP! YIP!" Let's face it: as much as she says that men want to bang Megan Fox or what not, we all know that if given the choice, most people would bang the attractive, smart and funny person over the mainstream-sexy yet loudmouthed and stupid person. Mostly because people have this things like "Dignity" and "Self-Respect" and "Standards".

Here's more of Tina Fey bringin' the sexiness:

The Westboro Baptist Church, or as I like to call them, "The Tila Tequila of Religion" has decided that it's been a while since they last decreed that "God" (meaning "Fred Phelps") hated something, so apparently they now decided that "God" hates Kevin Smith. Oh come on, I wasn't the biggest fan of Jersey Girl either, but I wouldn't say it's enough to send someone to Hell.

Kevin Smith is a classic worker of iniquity. His favorite lie? "I'm okay, you're okay, as long as we're doing things that feel good & don't hurt anyone." Well, Kevin, you've got a problem: your view is definitely askew! Your life revolves around your insignificant private parts (which you proudly make public, as though someone cares!) & you're going to pretend emo-Jesus makes that okay. Seriously?

Here are the facts: (1) Smith is a hater of Biblical proportions! "Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, & not suffer sin upon him." Lev 19:17 If he had any love for anyone, he wouldn't be pushing you down the path to Hell with both of his grubby hands. (Source)

Once again, this is makes SO much more sense if you read it in a super queeny Paul Lynde voice. But seriously, my guess as to how they pick their targets:

Phelps #1: Soooo...Lady Gaga has a crappy new video out.
Phelps #2: No no no, we already did her. What else kinda sucked...
Phelps #1: Well, I saw Cop Out recently. It wasn't very good.
Fred Phelps: GOD HATES KEVIN SMITH!
Phelps #2: ...But-
Fred Phelps: GOD HATES KEVIN SMITH!
Phelps #2: ...Fuck it, let's get the rainbow picket signs.

Thankfully, someone over at Disney took their head out of their ass long enough to finally (FINALLY) put an end to Hannah Montana, and now that the show is finishing up, Miley is looking back at all the wonderful times she had onset. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. She's actually talking about how awful it was to be on the show.

"I'm going to rejoice and be happy to finally not have to be...well, to not be somebody I'm not exactly," Miley told Parade magazine's March 21 issue. "As I've grown into it, I've grown out of it. Does that make sense? When I was 12, I thought, 'I want to be famous all the time! I want everybody to recognize me!'"

"Now I just want to be chill and have my private life," she said. "When they're putting me in sparkles and in pink this final season, I have to grit my teeth. I can't breathe looking like that anymore. A friend came by the set one day and said, 'You don't look very happy.' I said, 'I'm feeling claustrophobic in all these frills.' " (Source)

Funny how she's only bringing this up now that the show is over, huh? Well, maybe it's like that saying "Don't shit where you eat", only in this case, it comes with the addendum: "At least not until you find yourself a whole new place to eat; then you can pretty much lay a big steaming dump on anyone who ever made you famous."

Kendra Wilkinson Wilkinson said on the "Today" show yesterday that she wouldn't go on "Dancing with the Stars" if asked, because she's too busy being a mother unlike some people. *cough*Kate Gosselin*cough* Oh, and just for the record, Kendra just has one child while Kate Gosselin still has eight.

"Kate is on Dancing With the Stars... I just told my publicist, if I were asked to go on Dancing With the Stars,' I don't think I'd do it," Wilkinson -- who welcomed baby Hank last December -- said on the Today show Wednesday morning.

Continued Wilkinson, 24, "I would definitely say no to it, because I am that mom that wants to be there every step. I don't want to spend three months away from my baby. I just couldn't do that." (Source)

You could argue that Kate Gosselin needs to work in some capacity to support her children (since we all know Fat Asian Spencer Pratt isn't doing anything) but how much do you think a team of around-the-clock nannies for months on end costs compared to an appearance fee on "Dancing with the Stars?" My guess is that it probably just about breaks even. Then again, if it weren't for a national audience, just think how neglected Kate's hair extensions, liposuction, unnaturally whitened teeth and tanned skin would feel. Those kids can always spend quality time with mommy weeknights on ABC between 8 and 9:00pm.

I kinda just ignored this yesterday, mostly because I thought it was an outright lie, and mostly because it involved pictures of a woman covered in those chalky little conversation hearts, but apparently Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, might have cheated on her with some tattooed wench and now Sandra Bullock isn't even living in the same house as him.

On Wednesday, In Touch magazine revealed their newest cover story -- titled "The Ultimate Betrayal," which centered around an interview with a woman who claimed to the mag she had an 11-month affair with James, including while Bullock was shooting "The Blind Side."

[...] As the cover story allegations were emerging, Warner Bros., the film behind "The Blind Side," issued a statement on behalf of the film's star, Bullock, who said she would not be attending the British premiere of the film she won the Best Actress Oscar for. (Source)

Well nice freaking job, Jesse James. Way to cheat on the woman who just won an Oscar with some inked up whore with little candy hearts up her vagina. My guess is, she gave him one of the hearts that said "I Do Anal" or "Gr8 Head" and the guy was instantly hooked. Either that or he thought Carey Mulligan deserved the Oscar. Either way, enjoy the inevitable syphilis, douchebag!

So Kelly Cutrone, who used to work with the girls on "The Hills," wants you to lay off Heidi Montag's fake plastic face. (CelebEdge)

In the hopes of making another Twilight movie that isn't an abhorrent waste of film, Breaking Dawn is being offered to everyone who's ever won an Oscar. (Pajiba)

Holy mother of GOD, Denise Richards seriously needs to wax her entire face. (Yeeeah!)

So Britney Spears and Jason Trawick broke up, apparently after he realized he was dating Britney Spears. (The Blemish)

Zach Galifianakis sat down with Ben Stiller and proceeded to absolutely DESTROY HIM. (Seriously? OMG!)

Haha, Elizabeth Edwards basically bitch-slapped Rielle Hunter, AKA the delusional whore who was banging her husband while she had terminal cancer. (Celebitchy)

Okay, so as much as I make fun of Zac Efron, as it turns out, he's actually...Kinda smart and responsible and cool. Who knew? (Celebslam)

Here's Katie Couric interviewing that 12-year-old lesbian. (HollyWire)

Oh look, Lindsay Lohan found something new to fuck. (CelebSmack)

Here's Anne Hathaway, AKA the girl who better freaking adopt Chuck! (usemycomputer)

Apparently, Johnny Depp is REALLY enjoying being on a boat. (popbytes)

Oh Kate Winslet...You're hot as hell, but this is not a flattering picture of your ass. (Evil Beet)

Hey, so anyone catch Jessica Simpson's new VH1 show "The Price of Beauty" the other night? Yeah, me neither. Apparently no one really did, and the series premiere attracted just one million viewers. And once again, Jessica Simpson succeeds at being a giant failure.

The show got beat by a rerun of NCIS, a TruTV series called Operation Repo and History Channel's Pawn Stars, The Los Angeles Times notes.

Even former American Idol Fantasia Barrino had a stronger debut for her VH1 reality show, Fantasia For Real. (Her show premiere nabbed 2.3 million viewers.) (Source)

Oh jeez. Fantasia Barrino? I didn't even know she had a show, and I'm sure Fantasia didn't have the good fortune of promoting the shit out of it on every high-profile daytime or late night talk show for an entire week leading up to the premiere like Jessica did. I hate to think what the ratings would have been like if John Mayer hadn't called her "sexual napalm" in that Playboy interview. She probably would have gotten beat by one of those Jesus shows or that infommercial for the blender that cooks your food while it's blending. How does it do that?!

It's official! Crazy Tits has finally figured out why you all hate her so much! It's because you're jealous, that's why! Apparently, Crazy Tits (who somehow wormed her way back onto Twitter) has decided the real reason you hate her is because you're jealous of ... Ummmm, whatever it is she has.

You hate me because you know I am right. You hate me because you want me to be a trainwreck, yet Im not. Im articulate & extremely savvy.

I get it U hate me cuz Im young, beautiful, smart, humble, yet at the same time I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks. You dont pay my bills

You think "WHY CAN SHE BE FAMOUS AND I CAN'T??" WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DONT?? well its because you want fame..I have purpose. (Source)

Last time I saw something as articulate, savvy, beautiful, smart and humble as Crazy Tits, I was wiping it off the bottom of my shoe against the sidewalk. It's kinda hard to say exactly what purpose this bitch has in the world, mostly because she probably lists "Stupid, Slutty Famewhore" under occupation on her taxes. Point is: Shut your stupid whore mouth forever, Crazy Tits.

In news that should not be surprising to anyone capable of understanding basic human anatomy and why cramming massive amounts of fatty bullshit into a stressed out person probably isn't the best idea in the world, Lindsay Lohan's terrible father had a mild heart attack yesterday. Ummmmm...gasp? Shocker?

She said: "He was short of breath all day. His blood pressure skyrocketed. Right now they've told him it looks like he had a minor heart attack but they are still doing tests on him. "Michael was in Miami. We just flew back to New York. But he didn't feel well all day."

Michael was taken to hospital last week after suffering chest pains and admitted he was concerned for his health before he was hospitalised [sic] yesterday. (Source)

Like nobody couldn't see this one coming from, like, a mile away? If Lindsay Lohan was my daughter, I would have had a heart attack a loooooooong time ago. Actually, it wouldn't be so much a heart attack as it would be my heart pretty much tearing its way out of my chest and handing me a letter of resignation along the lines of "Your daughter is a crazy bitch and I'm not gonna handle this shite anymore."

Nicholas Brendon, who you Whedonites will probably remember as Xander from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer", isn't exactly doing so hot right now. And by that, I mean he got drunk, defaced private property, and then got tased by the police and arrested. Oh come on, not Xander! Why couldn't it have been stupid Riley?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" star Nicholas Brendon fell short in the slaying department a few hours ago, after he allegedly swung at a couple of cops, and then went on a misguided foot chase.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they received a call that a drunk man was causing a commotion in Venice, CA. When police responded, sources say Brendon took a swing at cops. (Source)

Ugh, really? Wasn't there a very special episode of Buffy where she drinks evil beer and gets turned into a caveman or something? Is that what this is about? Evil magical beer? Come on, man, BEER BAD! BEER BAD!!! And seriously, tased? They tased Xander? I can't believe it ... He closed the Hellmouth for Christ's sake. You, my good sirs, have electrocuted an American Hero.

Nicole Sullivan of "Mad TV" is showing off her new "bikini bod" in this week's issue of People magazine, after announcing last September that she planned to lose 35 pounds with Jenny Craig. Now, I don't want to piss on her parade or anything, but is it just me or did she actually look better back when her face had some fat in it between her skull and her skin? Not everyone needs to wear a bikini. There's got to be some compromise between wearing a tankini and not looking like one of the meth-hookers the cops arrest on the show "COPS."

Ryan Reynolds, despite rumours of marital troubles and despite being too goddamn sexy to be nailing one woman for the rest of his life, is reportedly still very much in love with Scarlet Johansson, or as I like to call her, Bitch Who Stole My Man. So much so that they're moving to New York City together...God I hate her.

"People have been saying that they are on the rocks because they haven't been spotted together recently, but that's only because they are both busy working," insists a source close to the Broadway beauty, adding that the two have agreed to be private about their relationship since it began in April 2007.

"She's been doing up to eight shows a week on Broadway, and he's been shooting the 'Green Lantern' in New Orleans. It's been tough, but they're making it through just fine." (Source)

Ugh, whatever Scarlett Johansson. Since when the hell are hot guys allowed to be monogamous? That is just cruel and unusual punishment. I'm pretty sure there's something about that in the Geneva Convention under the subsection of "Stupid Dumb Bitches Shouldn't Hog All The Good Ones".

This video really doesn't have anything to do with anything, other than just being goddamn hysterical. Onto the links!

Here's a look at Cyrus, fresh from SXSW. (Pajiba)

Kate Winslet got a divorce from her husband who looks like a hobo. Ummmm...shocking? (Yeeeah!)

Miley Cyrus finally reveals why she left Twitter. Hint: It may have had something to do with her batshit insane fans. (The Blemish)

Oh look, here's the trailer for "Shrek 4: Mike Meyers Needs To Put A Down Payment On His Condo". (Seriously? OMG!)

So apparently, Sam Worthington falls into the category of "Hot but dumb as hell". (Celebitchy)

Paula Abdul is going to be hosting "Star Search", which is sort of like asking Paula Dean to host "The Biggest Loser". (BricksandStones)

So apparently someone decided it would be a great idea to get hot chicks to strip wearing Chewbacca and C3PO masks, and the results are decidedly not sexy. (Agent Bedhead)

So Adam Lambert was in Japan, and he was simply faaaaaabulooooooous. (POTP)

For those of you wondering how Crazy Tits keeps herself at the very peak of insanity: Red Bull and "Happy Pills". (Evil Beet)

So apparently, the most talked about thing on Twitter right now, according to people who for some reason get paid to look this stuff up, is 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. For those of you who don't know him, he sings like an auto-tuned chipmunk and appears to be what happens when you put together the libido of a forty-year-old, the brain of a douchebag fratboy, and the body of a 12-year-old lesbian.

Bieber-mania is growing on Twitter and is creating a deafening crescendo of chatter that is rising above virtually every other conversation on the popular social media site, which sees 50 million tweets posted daily.

"He is very, very popular on Twitter, he ranks No. 1, easy," Muschenetz said.

"He's certainly No. 1 unless something else comes along, like when the earthquake in Haiti happened that took the No. 1 spot for a few weeks. (Source)

To be honest, I don't see why he should be so proud, considering that the only time I actually saw his name on Twitter was when people were blaming him for everything from stubbed toes to Herpegonnasyphilaids. You know what they say, all press is good press; even the press that says that you drink the blood of orphans to maintain your girlish figure.

I think at this point it's pretty much been established that absolutely no one wants to be seen with Lindsay Lohan, mostly because she's a walking punchline and has absolutely no idea how goddamn ridiculous she is. That being said, making fun of her is still A-OK! Lindsay was in France last weekend when she decided to ask Madonna's current dick-of-the-week Jesus Luz to come party with her, only to get full-on denied. All together now: HAHAHA! You suck.

[...]the 51-year-old singer has ordered her Brazilian model boyfriend to stay away from Lindsay Lohan when she asked him to join her for a party at the VIP Room nightspot in Paris, France recently, and he obediently obliged.

"Lindsay got her people to phone the club to try and hang out with him," a source recalled what happened that night. "She knew he was hosting a night there with Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz. But when Madonna's people heard, they put a block on it. Jesus wasn't one to argue, he didn't want to upset Madonna and was just there to work. Lindsay had to make to with a night in her hotel." (Source)

You know, sometimes I feel bad about making fun of Lindsay Lohan; it's like fishing with dynamite in a barrel where all the fish have daddy issues and coke addictions and the water is actually Vodka. And then I remember that Lindsay Lohan has no sense of personal responsibility or professionalism, and that she pretty much brought this upon herself. And then I stop feeling bad.

Here's Heidi Montag and her ridiculous body and even ridiculouser face yesterday filming a scene from the new Adam Sandler movie yesterday, Just Go With It -- which also stars Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. I've no doubt Heidi will be playing herself, since it's probably difficult enough to remember her own name ... Which also means this movie will have a shelf life as long as an opened bag of Doritos. Unlike Heidi Montag herself, of course, who will now -- thanks to the wonders of modern cosmetic surgery -- have a shelf life longer than a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew that people used to stock up their bomb shelters with back when Russia was the most imminent threat to the United States.

Anne Hathaway went to a WeHo Animal Shelter the other day to take a look at some dogs she might adopt. Normally, I like to think of myself as a gigantic bitch, but I have a huge soft spot for dogs, and the one she's looking at is oh my God so cute I wanna mash up his wittle face and rub his wittle tummy and wuv him forever and ever amen- *ahem* sorry about that. Anyway, the good folks at Gawker have started up a campaign to get Anne Hathaway to adopt the little guy.

People's special pets division spotted Anne Hathaway and her beau Adam Schulman at Molly's Mutts & Meows animal shelter in West Hollywood today, scoping out potential pets. While Molly's "won't confirm or comment on individual adoptions to respect the privacy of potential pet parents," People reports that "an onlooker at the park noted the pair were checking out a medium-sized terrier mix named Chuck." A visit to Molly's website shows that Anne Hathaway must adopt Chuck because Chuck is the best dog, like, ever. (Source)

At the risk of getting all sanctimonious and shit, I really do hope she adopts the little guy. Christ, do you know how many dogs are put down every day because they can't find a good home? Way too many. Anyway, if you're looking into bringing a dog into your life, adopt bitches. Adopt. There, does that count as 40 hours of community service? ... Crap.

Anyway, you can check out the video of Chuck after the jump:

Yesterday People reported a statement from Spencer Pratt saying that he's planning to take his leave from "The Hills" to attend to his new calling in life: Fighting "cyber crime." Hmm ... To anyone with a basic understanding of Spencer Pratt, this seems rather ... Uncharacteristic?

"Upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges," he says.

"My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security. "With that being said, I am saddened to take this break from filming MTV's The Hills. (Source)

However, the good people over at Us Weekly are reporting a very different version, which is that Spencer got temporarily kicked off of "The Hills" after throwing a giant hissy fit and threatening a female producer.

"He got so crazy that he screamed at [her], 'I should kill you for even asking me to do that!'" the source recounts. "Very rattled" by Pratt's outburst, the producer filed a complaint with the show's top producers -- who then threatened to kick Pratt off the show.

Pratt's team went back with a compromise: "the show agreed that Spencer would leave The Hills for six weeks to do anger management training once a week at home. If he completes it, he can return to the show." (Source)

Required anger management classes; going on a crusade to fight cyber crime. Tomato, toma'to if you ask me. That's like permanently losing your license forever after two DUIs and making the sudden environmental decision to start biking everywhere to reduce your carbon footprint. I know which one Al Gore would be the most proud of, anyway.

Wanna win some totally bitchin' swag from Breaking Bad? Well here's how! (Pajiba)

Today's "Fuck yeah, Gabourey Sidibe!" post is dedicated to my darling Soph. Who loves ya  honey? *Wink!* (Evil Beet)

Apparently, Lady Gaga slipped herself a Forget-Me-Now before going onstage (Arrested Development references NEVER get old goddammit). (Yeeeah!)

Either Boy George looks really good or Lindsay Lohan is lookin' not so hot. (The Blemish)

Haha, Pamela Anderson broke her toe on the set of Dancing With The Stars. (Seriously? OMG!)

Heidi Montag is going to be in an Adam Sandler movie, because obviously, Adam Sandler movies don't suck nearly as much as they could. (Celebitchy)

Kirstie Alley is living like there's no tomorrow, namely by eating everything in arm's length. (Celebslam)

Drew Barrymore will never get plastic surgery, probably because she doesn't want to look like Lindsay Lohan. Zing. (HollyWire)

Say what you will about Anna Nicole Smith, but her daughter? Adorable. (CelebSmack)

Cheryl Burke is on vacation and in a bikini. (usemycomputer)

As if you needed another reason to hate Chris Brown, Crazy Tits apparently has his back. (Allie Is Wired)

Greatest Mother Ever candidate/poster girl for why you should stay as far away from crack as humanly possible, Courtney Love, is looking to make up with her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. You know, the one who ditched her for being an abusive crackhead and whom Courtney then started trashing on Facebook? Yeah, her. Good luck with that.

The Hole singer fell out with 17-year-old Frances - her child with legendary Nirvana rocker Kurt Cobain - last year, with the moving out of their home to live with her late father's mother, Wendy O'Connor, and sister, Kimberly Dawn Cobain, getting a restraining order against her parent.

Courtney said Frances has now told California child services "she wants to come home," and that she is sorry their split became so bitter, adding: "I should have never gotten mad at her. I love her so much." (Source)

Yeah, I'm so sure she wants to come home. Call me skeptical, but if Courtney Love actually wanted what was best for her daughter, she'd sober up, stop acting like a raving lunatic and get back to work so that she actually has some goddamn money to support herself. But then again, I was only raised by one of those mothers who loved me and didn't snort a whole bunch of coke while she was pregnant with me, so what do I know, right?

So the new season of Dancing With Washed-Up Has-Beens No One Cares About is underway, and so far everyone on the show is getting along great and becoming super best friends and AHAHAHA! Just kidding. As it turns out, Kate Gosselin is being a gigantic C-U-Next-Tuesday and everyone hates her. Oh, and she's so awful that Johnny Weir decided not to be on the show because he didn't want to work with her.

Kate Gosselin is being a "total diva" on the set of "Dancing With the Stars" -- snubbing other contestants and behaving frostily to crew members, sources tell Page Six. The recently divorced mom of eight has been rehearsing for the ABC show, which starts its new season March 22. Her icy behavior also persuaded Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir to pull out of talks about being on the show because he didn't want to work alongside Gosselin. A "DWTS" source said, "Kate doesn't want anything to do with other contestants . . . While there's a lot of camaraderie among the crew and other stars including Pamela Anderson, Kate has set herself apart . . . She wants to be queen bee." (Source)

Oh who the hell are we kidding, the only reason Kate Gosselin is even on the show is so that she'll inevitably get into a bitchfit with someone and end up getting thrown off the show. It's called the Omarosa effect, and it's the only reason people still watch reality TV, despite it being total shit and an overall waste of valuable TV Time. Go ahead, prove me wrong.

Here's the commercial Paris did for France's Be Magazine, which I'm guessing is like Cosmo in that it's full of useless advice, shitty clothes and dumbass celebrity interviews. Anyway, the commercial doesn't really have anything to do with the actual magazine and everything to do with Paris Hilton and some whore fighting over a purse that I can only assume contains Eightballs, Valtrex and Doug Reinhardt's dick. It makes a lot of sense though, considering that the average Paris Hilton fan couldn't read the back of a cereal box, much less a magazine. The less the commercial focuses on icky things like "words" or "intelligence," the better.

Demi Lovato revealed to "Access Hollywood" on Friday that she's dating her fellow Disney "Camp Rock" and upcoming "Oceans" star as well as unconfirmed gay person, Joe Jonas.

When Access Hollywood's Billy Bush asked the Disney star on his radio show Friday if she'd ever dated a Jonas Brother, Lovato initially played coy. "Umm, maybe," Lovato, 17, said, as Bush pried for more.

"Which one? Joe?" the host asked. Having long denied rumors of a romance with her Camp Rock costar, Lovato finally opened up, calling Jonas, 20, her "best friend."

"So you guys went from boyfriend-girlfriend to best friends?" Bush asked. "No, kind of the opposite," Lovato, who now stars on the Disney Channel series Sonny With a Chance, said. (Source)

Normally I would say a guy who is willing to be "best friends" with a girl like that is obviously just putting in facetime until he breaks her down enough to date him. But sometimes I would also say that it's convenient to have a straight girl around who is willing to date you just in time for there being a television movie to promote so people won't think you're a big giant gay. Pssst: If you're able to share hair and makeup tips, it's probably the second one.

The music video for "Make a Wave from "Oceans" is after the jump. Watch at your own risk.

So according to CNN, MTV banned Lady Gaga's new video for "Telephone" on the grounds that it was too provocative, and not because it was ten minutes long, full of product placement and filmed on the set of gay porn (No, really; NSFW). Then MTV fired back that they never banned Lady Gaga's video in the first place and that everyone who works at CNN are lying liars who tell lies.

An executive at MTV has denied the network has banned Lady Gaga and Beyonce's racy new video for "Telephone." The nine-and-a-half minute long promo has caused a stir online; attracting more than 12 million viewers in the three days after it debuted on YouTube.com.

[...] However, MTV's manager of programming, Tuma Basa, has hit back at the reports. In a post on his Twitter.com page, he writes, "The reports are false... the video's been airing since Friday morning on AMTV." (Source)

Don't be fooled though: just because MTV hasn't outright banned her video, doesn't mean they'll actually play it. Mostly because they stopped playing music videos somewhere between the 35th season of "The Real World" and "A Shot Of Penicillin with A Crazy Slutty Myspace Troll." Point is, MTV is stupid and don't count on ever seeing Lady Gaga or anything that has something to do with music on MTV ever again.

In a surprising twist that no one could have ever seen coming unless you have an understanding of past events and how they relate to the future, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have ended their annoying, year long relationship.

Though some in the blogosphere called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

When Kennedy first confirmed the romance in March 2009, he told Ryan Seacrest during a radio interview, "I'm in love!" Describing his costar on Ghost Whisperer, Kennedy said: "It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you're like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.' " (Source)

I guess he left out her other awesome qualities such as having the cognitive maturity of a 12-year-old and being emotionally retarded in every other possible facet of her being. Maybe next time he can save himself the trouble and just find a nice girl with full-on Downs Syndrome. If he can find one that makes a good "pasta fagioli" anyway.

Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. In the same movie. Together. This link is made of so much win, it's insane. (Pajiba)

Here's Alice Eve from "She's Out Of Your League", or as it was originally called, "Let's distract stupid people for two hours". (Yeeeah!)

Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston are dating not dating dating not dating DATING! (The Blemish)

Oh christ, Matthew McConaughey and his son are just too freaking cute. (Seriously? OMG!)

Chloe Sevigny says she loves being a gay icon. Ummmmm...You're not. (Celebitchy)

Christoph Waltz's favourite part about being famous? Free blowjobs from random groupies. (Celebslam)

Ryan Gosling wrote an angry letter to McDonald's, and not just because their food is fucking terrible. (HollyWire)

Awwww, Jessica Simpson got a new puppy! Let's just hope she doesn't use it to clean her teeth. (CelebSmack)

And in other J-Simps news, Billy Corgan is trying (and failing) very hard to get into her sexual napalm. (Evil Beet)

Haha, it's funny because Chris Brown ran his stupid career into the ground. (Allie Is Wired)

Taylor Momsen, that stupid, self-centered whore from Gossip Girl who cares more about her shitty career than the people of Haiti, is apparently tired of acting and wants to start a career in music because being an actress is just soooooo conformist, while performing crappy music for a corporately-owned record label is totally punk rock. Whatever, Taylor Momsen.

"Music is where I can be me," she said. "I really do it because I love it, honestly. It's what I want to do with my life. I mean, it's my only goal.

"Acting is easy. I've been doing it for so long and I totally love it. But you're playing a character instead of yourself. Music is more personal because you're writing it and you're involved in every step of it." (Source)

Oh shut up, Taylor Momsen. You're just mad because you're a terrible actress on a terrible show and no one likes you because you're a whiney, self-involved brat. Go be a good little D-list prostitot and make a crappy, mass-produced album while you continue to tell yourself that you're so anti-establishment. At least that all that money you make will help pay for your stay at a methadone clinic.

For reasons completely beyond me, someone on Jerry Seinfeld's crappy new show "The Marriage Ref" decided it would be a totally great idea to bring in Madonna as one of the celebrity experts to judge other people's marital problems. Hey, Jerry, you know who would be a much better marriage counselor? Absolutely anyone else.

The show invites its panel of "experts" to help analyze real-life disputes between married couples, mostly for laughs. Host Tom Papa, aka The Marriage Ref, makes the final call.

In one case, Mindy Goldman was offering sexual favors to Alan, her husband of 28 years, if he would clean up their messy basement.

A good idea? "I think it's weird that she wants him to be clean so that they can be dirty," cracked Madonna. (Source)

No offense to Madonna here, but just in case you forgot, this is the same woman who dated JFK Jr. AND Sandra Bernhard. At the same time. While she was married to Sean Penn. And then she went on to date Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman. Did you know on divorce forms, you can actually list "Because of that bitch Madonna" as a cause for separation? It's called the "Crazy Old Grandmother Who Eats Children" clause.

Sources have confirmed that "Grey's Anatomy" creator Shonda Rhimes has finally agreed to let Katherine Heigl (pictured here looking even more boring than usual with her new brown hair) out of her contract after years of threats and shit-flinging so she can go make more of those crappy romantic comedies she likes s'darn much.

After taking more than half of the current season off to make another movie and connect with her adopted daughter, Heigl was scheduled to return to the Grey's set on March 1 to begin work on the five remaining episodes of the season. There's just one problem: March 1 came and went and there was no Heigl. A source within the actress' camp claims Heigl "was at home and ready to return to work."

Another insider, however, "insists it's much more complicated than that." The source adds that talks between Heigl and ABC have been going on for months and last week both sides mutually decided that the best solution would be to part ways now as opposed to at the end of the season. As a result, Heigl is not expected to return to the Grey's set, which means her final episode as Izzie has already aired. (Source)

The saddest part about this is that with Heigl not coming back at all to film her last episodes, loyal "Grey's Anatomy" viewers won't get the long-awaited payoff of seeing her character meet her grisly demise. Maybe they can give her a nice "Poochie"-style send off. "Note: Katherine Heigl died on the way back to her home planet."

You know when you go to the dentist and you feel totally guilty when they ask if you've been flossing daily because you know you haven't? Well Jessica Simpson doesn't even brush her teeth. Top that!

"I don't brush my teeth," she told iheartradio Thursday. "No, really!" "I just use Listerine -- and sometimes I'll use my sweater," she claimed, bursting into laughter.

"I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. Fine, maybe when I'm 60 I'll all, "ow!" (Source)

In other news, the only job worse than being Jessica Simpson's dental hygienist is Jessica Simpson's dry cleaner. "Goddammit! I didn't escape from North Korea to be getting plaque stains out of cashmere. I QUIT!"

More of Jessica Simpson outside of Letterman the other night:

So after about a bajillion friggin' weeks of teasing the public about how great her video was gonna be, Lady Gaga finally released the video for Telephone last night and...Well, it sucks. It sucks harder than an entire army of Roombas. If you can't follow the storyline, first she's in jail or something (apparently, crimes against fashion are a real thing now. ZING!), and then Beyonce bails her out, so then they go and kill an entire diner for no discernible reason. Oh, and the entire thing is meant to be an homage to Quentin Tarantino, sort of like how an essay that a sixteen-year-old copy/pastes off the internet is an homage to whoever wrote it. And of course, Lady Gaga has a whole bunch of wacky new outfits, including slutty prisoner (2:15), slutty waitress (7:13), slutty lunch lady (6:20), and slutty Quaker Oats guy (4:25). Point is, it's sort of what Quentin Tarantino would make if he was a lobotomized prostitute...Song is pretty good though.

In today's irrefutable proof that there is no God, they're making another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. In 3D. (Pajiba)

Jessica Simpson decided to step out of the house wearing a dress that made her look like a fat, gay cheetah. (Yeeeah!)

Because there simply aren't enough awesome things on tour, Conan O'Brien is taking his show on the road. (The Blemish)

Ashton Kutcher is starting to look like Justin Bieber, which is to say, a 14-year-old lesbian. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh come on, saying Jon Hamm is better than George Clooney is like saying fine wine is better than having someone piss in your face. (Celebitchy)

Here's Fergie trying, and failing, to do her best "Slutty Tron" impression. (Evil Beet)

Whitney Port does us all a favour and takes one small step towards dying. (BricksandStones)

As much as the idea of a Smurfs movie pisses me off, so far the cast is suprisingly...good.(Agent Bedhead)

Dayum, Christina Ricci got Duh-Ruuuuuuuuunk as hell, yo. (POTP)

Here's that guy fro True Blood who keeps shooting "SOOKIE!" looking pretty damn good. (Popbytes)

In light of Heidi Montag's unfunny Funny or Die video, and also in light of the fact that she has yet to fulfill the "or Die" section of her contract, here's Marion Cotillard's crack at it, which involves her sticking silicone boobs on her forehead to get men to look her in the freaking eyes already. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is; I love it when guys just stare at my ass constantly for no discernible reason. Mostly because men in general are dumb as shit and having them stare at my ass keeps them from actually opening their big stupid mouths around me, and in turn, it keeps me from mentally willing them into a coma. Truly a win-win situation for all involved.

Lady Gaga boarded a flight at Heathrow airport wearing her usual quota of shithouse-rat crazy crap, and then she almost died because her stupid goddamn clothes started giving her Deep Vein Thrombosis. Yes, really: All those stupid clothes she wears nearly killed her, and all because she's apparently too damn good for a pair of jeans.

The US singer boarded a long-haul flight at Heathrow Airport wearing black and yellow tape and giant blue shoes designed by her friend, the late Alexander McQueen, and needed to be undressed by cabin crew later on, The Sun reported.

Her crazy garb was so uncomfortable it brought on the early stages of the potentially deadly deep vein thrombosis (DVT).

The experienced flight crew told Gaga she should get the outfit off quickly or risk long-term damage. (Source)

Hey, I love Lady Gaga, and I know she likes to look like a Barbie Doll on LSD at all times, but you know what? I like Wendy's Big Bacon Classic. But I don't eat that all the time or else I'll friggin' die. Likewise, if you continue strapping ten inch heels and fully-trimmed Christmas Trees to your hear, don't be surprised when your legs explode or your scrawney little neck snaps. And last time I checked, you can't bedazzle a coffin or start lining it with Gonzo the Great's fur.

In what is either the smartest dumb idea or the dumbest smart idea ever, Heidi totally ditched her creepy flesh-coloured-pedo-beard sporting husband as her manager, and instead replaces him with Aiden Chase, a psychic healer. To put things in perspective here, this is like dumping your lazy mooch of a boyfriend and then shacking up with a fortune cookie.

"After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager," Montag says. "Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has."



"No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career," she adds. "I am going to have Aiden Chase help manage my new life and career in a very different and positive way with light and love. The time for change is now. Never mix business and pleasure. We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi." (Source)

I'm not really sure how to feel about this. On one hand, Spencer is a grade-a sack of crap, and he looks like the kind of guy who hangs out at playgrounds asking six-year-old girls if they'll help him find his missing puppy. On the other hand, considering that her new manager is a "healer intuitive," she could have just bought herself a magic 8-ball and saved herself thousands. That, and at least a magic 8-ball wouldn't come over smelling like weed, granola and swamp-ass.

Corey Feldman went on "Larry King Live" last night to talk about the death of his lifelong friend and "brother" Corey Haim, less than 12 hours after he had heard the news. I heard even Larry King was like, "Are you sure about this dude? I mean your friend literally just died." But Feldman soldiered on, firing back on last night's show at early reports that Haim had "overdosed."

"Until the coroner's report comes out and until we get specific evidence and until we know exactly what the toxicology report says, nobody knows [how Haim died], and nobody is going to know," Feldman said. "We are aware of the fact that Corey Haim has a long and detailed drug history and battled addiction for many, many years. I know it better than anybody, because I've been the guy stuffing charcoal down his throat when he was [overdosing]. I've been the guy trying to make him stand up or say a complete sentence. I've been through it with him many, many times, and it's happened very badly and very intensely through the years."

But then he went on to suggest what really might have killed Corey Haim: TMZ and Us Weekly. I knew it!

In light of Haim's death, Feldman suggested that society needs "to grow up and think about every time we laugh at somebody in the tabloids, every time we poke a finger at somebody and say, 'They're a joke' or 'They're fat' or 'They're a drug addict' or 'They're washed up' or 'They're a loser,' we need to look at ourselves and say, 'Who am I?' " (Source)

Need I mention, that Corey Feldman and Corey Haim actually appeared on a reality show together where the whole point was to laugh at them for being washed-up losers. (Unless I missed the point, of course.) But I guess it's all fun and games until someone loses a Corey. And anyway, if poking fun at asshole celebrities was that dangerous, I myself should have technically killed Paris Hilton ten times over by now.

So TMZ caught up with Shanna Moakler while she was out and about, and when the subject of Carrie Prejean came up, Shanna said she wished Carrie would be blessed enough to have gay children. Personally? Noooooooo. Little gay kids are awesome as hell no matter what anyone says about them, but Christ, Carrie Prejean doesn't deserve to have kids period. Seriously, they should make it mandatory that if you're IQ is lower than your shoe size and you're a hateful C-U-Next Tuesday, they forcibly remove your reproductive organs before your sheer stupidity effs up the gene pool like a six-year-old pissing in the shallow end. Applied eugenics, bitch.

So Steven Lloyd Wilson looked back at Jurassic Park, and surprise! It didn't age well. (Pajiba)

Ewwwwww, gross, Demi Moore taught her daughter how to strip. (Yeeeah!)

Here's an interview Taylor Momsen did with Parade magazine (oooooh, how rebellious) about how rebellious she is. Ugh, whatever Taylor Momsen. (The Blemish)

Awwww, Gwyneth GOOPy Paltrow doesn't like having her picture taken. Boo-goddamn-hoo, whore. (Seriously? OMG!)

Apparently, Lisa Marie Presley "Ballooned to 165 lbs." Yeah, kilograms more like it. (Celebitchy)

Roman Polanski's wife is all sad that people are bashing her husband for raping kids. You know what makes me sad? Kids being raped, you dumb whore. (Celebslam)

Oh look, Hilary Duff got a (ghost)writing deal. Choke on it. (HollyWire)

Gerard Butler are on the cover of some two-bit magazine which means they're dating or some shit. (CelebSmack)

Here's Natalie Portman in a tiny dress. (usemycomputer)

Here's Beth Ditto looking goddamn terrifying as hell. Just...GOD, what the hell is that? (popbytes)

Oh my God, Kelis and Kanye are the same person. Which means Kelis is a gay fish. Ha. (Evil Beet)

Look, here's the thing: Mad Men? Awesome show. Jon Hamm? Sexy as hell. January Jones and Christina Hendricks? Also sexy. But...this? This is just...No. First off, Christina Hendricks' doll has apparently completely lost any trace of boobage. Second, January Jones and Christina are now apparently twins or something like that. And third, what in the hell happened to Don Draper? He looks like what would happened if Lurch knocked up a zombie. And then you beat that Lurch-Zombie baby with an ugly stick. All I'm saying is, just because you can turn someone into a Barbie Doll, doesn't mean you necessarily should.

So Kim Kardashian is on the cover of FHM, and they decided to tout her as having the sexiest body in the entire world. I'll admit she's an attractive girl and she isn't completely awful to look at, but sexiest in the entire world? Please. She's about as hot as shit-flavored ice cream, and about half as appetizing. FHM could probably get away with naming her the hottest Kardashian or something like that, but let's face it, that's not exactly saying much since Khloe looks like a fat version of the pink cat Garfield used to bang and Kourtney is married to a guy who looks like he might kill you while talking about Huey Lewis and the News.

Chelsea Handler was on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon to promote her new book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang (which I desperately need to read in the worst way,) when Jimmy decided to play a game the involved the two of them running around with massive amounts of booze ... Or as we call it it in the Feist residence, Wednesdays. Anyway, long story short Jimmy Fallon took a gigantic slip, smashed a whole bunch of glass and started bleeding (around the 1:30 mark). Kids, let this be a lesson: when you pour yourself a drink, drink it. Don't run around like a giant idiot or else your gonna fall on your ass and Chelsea Handler will laugh at your for being stupid.

Because Lindsay Lohan can't file a $100 million lawsuit without Dina getting in some face time, she helpfully told the New York Post how her daughter cried to "mommy" after being so-called depicted in that E-Trade commercial.

"She said, 'Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?' " Dina Lohan said of a tearful phone call with her 23-year-old daughter after the big game.

"They're little babies doing this, mocking another child who's just trying to survive Hollywood, basically," Dina Lohan said.

"I'm just basically glad I took a stand. I'm not going to let them do this to us anymore," Dina Lohan said of the "horrible" and "mean" ad. (Source)

Did Dina Lohan seriously just compare Lindsay Lohan to a tiny baby child? Unless she meant it in a broad, "there's a child inside all of us" kind of way, which I doubt. Either way, it's not E-Trade's fault that Lindsay Lohan's inner child coincidentally just happens to be a slutty, drunken baby.

Howard Stern, who apparently didn't die off after the 90's (although the same can't really be said for his career,) was on his show yesterday talking about Gabourey Sidibe, where he said that she was "the size of a planet" and that she would never get work again because she was fat. Which strikes me as odd, since Howard Stern looks like a gay version of Slash and even he still has work. Go figure.

"There's the most enormous, fat black chick I've ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone's pretending she's a part of show business and she's never going to be in another movie," he said. "She should have gotten the Best Actress award because she's never going to have another shot. What movie is she gonna be in?"

[...] It looks like Gabby will prove Stern wrong. She is lined up to appear on the new Showtime series 'The C Word' and her next big-screen appearance will be opposite Zoe Kravitz in the drama 'Yelling to the Sky.' (Source)

Ugh, whatever Howard Stern. Yes, Gabourey Sidibe is fat. But you know what? She gets work because she has these things called "talent" and "a sense of humor", whereas you have work because you can't tell the difference between "subversive" and "swearing into a microphone." As punishment for your treachery (and for generally acting like a gigantic douchewaffle) you will have your pants pulled down and you will be spanked by Moon rocks.

Corey Haim is dead at 38. Holy crap. This is one of the worst things to wake up to other than maybe someone I actually know and care about in real life being dead. But still, Corey Haim. Whatever, you had to be born in the 80's.

Police say it is believed the actor, who had a long history of substance-abuse problems, perished from an accidental overdose at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday. Haim reportedly was found unresponsive at his Southern California apartment.

His mother was said to be with him at the time. He was pronounced dead Providence St. Joseph's Medical Center in Burbank. (Source)

The big question now is what is Corey Feldman going to do? When old people and dogs and Siamese twins lose their companion, don't they like die of loneliness or something? All I know is that I don't want to live in a world where there's only one "Corey."

Dustin over at Pajiba tackles the problem of overt negativity in New Queer Cinema and to be honest? I completely agree. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan for being a coke-snorting, drunken hack. I'll give you all a moment to get over your shock here. (Yeeeah!)

So Jeremy Renner might not be banging Jessica Simpson after all, and thank GOD for that one. (The Blemish)

Oh look, Rainbow Killer looks even more like a witch than usual. (Seriously? OMG!)

Tim Gunn went on the record to basically say that the Kardashians are total fucking trash. HAHAHAHAHA! (Celebitchy)

So Lil Wayne is heading to jail today. Fun fact: I saw him out on the street while I was in New York City once. He looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. (BricksandStones)

Kesha (And NOT Ke$ha because STFU) wears her placenta around her neck and oh my God I just barfed all over my computer. (Agent Bedhead)

Rihanna performed her new song in Germany and while on stage she humped a robot. Hey, whatever gets you off. (POTP)

Apparently, Barbara Walters thinks she ruined Ricky Martin's career. And "She Bangs" had nothing to do with it either. (Evil Beet)

Goddammit people, this is what happens when you feed a mogwai after midnight, people! Anyway, here's Crazy Tits at the Oscar Gifting Suite for no apparent reason. Christ, Crazy Tits has about as much of a chance of winning an Oscar as I do of not drinking the bottle of Vodka in my freezer. In fact, the only time you'll ever hear the names "Tila Tequila" and "Oscar" in the same sentence will be when the headline "Tila Tequila Shot And Killed While Trying To Steal Meryl Streep's Oscar" show up on your local newspaper. What? A guy can dream, can't he?

Yes I know, another post here I pour out about how much I love Gabourey Sidibe. What can I say? Gay guys love fat girls. It's science. Anyway, she was on the red carpet talking to Billy Bush (ugh, really? Him?) when she saw Gerard Butler and said, like so many others, that she would hit that. And then Gerard Butler wandered over to Gabbie and said, like so many others, that he would hit that. Why? Because Gabourey Sidibe is goddamn awesome. Anyone who says otherwise reeks of whiskey and sits on a throne of lies. They probably drink the blood of puppies and laugh at orphans or something too. Jerks.

Yeah, so it's a really slow news day, but Hulk Hogan gave an interview to Radar Online and was asked who the one person he would like to "knock some sense into" would be. And instead of answering, "my idiot, delinquent lowlife of a son who ruins lives forever," he said "Bratt Pitt," inexplicably.

"I never understood. I never understood and I'd love to knock sense. Why would anybody leave Jennifer Aniston? I mean come on brother."

He continued about his crush on the 41-year-old Aniston, "She's brilliant, she's smart, she's good looking, she's sensual. She's sexy. She's got the body of a God. She's got it all going on. Brad Pitt --the ultimate male still-- whatever that is--I understand Angelina she's gorgeous--it's like trading a Cadillac for a Cadillac." (Source)

Not that Hulk Hogan would know anything about "trading a Cadillac for a Cadillac," mind you, since he only dates giant, whorey-looking bleached blondes with leather skin who look just like his daughter. That's more like trading a used '95 Chevrolet Tracker for a used '96 Chevrolet Tracker.

Alright, so those rumours about Mariah Carey being preggers? Thankfully, those are completely untrue. So despite making vague statements, not drinking at an Oscar after-party (who does that?!) and generally looking like she's in her second trimester, Mariah Carey is not sporting a womb fruit.

"I have a lot of new acting projects coming up... But there's also something else very special on the way. I can't say any more," the Daily Star quoted her as telling reporters.

Carey then fuelled the rumours when she reportedly refused to drink at an after party, reports the Daily Star.

However, talking to GossipCop.com, a spokesperson for the pop star has dismissed the speculation, saying there's "no truth" to the pregnancy reports. (Source)

You see, the biggest flaw with this rumour is the simple fact that Mariah Carey would need to have sex in order to be pregnant. And as we all know, a succubus doesn't really have sex so much as it sucks the life out of men until they are a withered pile on the floor, and once they are done they move onto the next. Science my friends. SCIENCE.

Heidi Montag stars in a new Funny or Die video (with a cameo by her husband, Crazy Eyes Beard Face) poking fun at herself for her excessive cosmetic surgery with the overall message of Congress enacting financial reform. Christ, does her face ever look horrifying. I wonder if it really did cost $11 grand to make her jawline look like a molded wad of Silly Putty.

At any rate, it is a good cause and all, but if you expect me to believe that Heidi Montag actually gives a shit about protecting "average citizens" who forced to pay for their groceries with credit cards, you must think I'm dumber than she looks. If it meant a Funny or Die video and tons of exposure, Heidi and Spencer would probably vouch for putting senior citizens in concentration camps or utilizing shelter animals as an alternate fuel source.

As it turns out, Lindsay Lohan really isn't a big fan of those E*Trade talking-baby commercials, because she's suing the company for $100 Million after they had the gall (THE GALL I SAY!) to air a commercial featuring a "milk-a-holic" baby named Lindsay. Because obviously, she is the only Lindsay who ever existed in the entire world, and the ad is obviously a personal attack on her.

Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," Ovadia said.

"They used the name Lindsay," Ovadia said. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan." (Source)

First off, first name recognition? You wish bitch. Say what you will about Madonna and Oprah, at least they actually do something. And no, cocaine and tequila do not count as "something". And second, it's not like these ads have tarnished your reputation or anything. Know what Lindsay Lohan's last mainstream movie was? I Know Who Killed Me. Back in 2007. It grossed less than $10 Million and earned 8 Razzie awards, including Worst Actress for Lindsay. And then she spent the next 3 years drinking and snorting everything in arm's reach. Believe me, Lindsay has done WAY more to ruin her career then some crappy ad ever could.

Anyway, you can watch the ad after the jump and judge for yourself:

Alright, here's the list of all the winner from last night's Academy Awards. God am I ever sick of this shit. (Pajiba)

Mariah Carey might be pregnant, or she might just be a fat bitch. Either/Or really. (Yeeeah!)

And now, here's Christopher Waltz to absolutely blow your goddamn mind. (The Blemish)

Oh sweet, here's the new trailer for Iron Man 2. (Seriously? OMG!)

Alright, so here are the best dressed of the Oscars (Celebitchy) and the worst dressed. (Celebitchy)

Hayden Pannewhogivesafuck wants to bone Gerard Butler. Get in line, hooker. (Celebslam)

Oh look, here's some Z-list nobody screwing up an interview with Miley Cyrus. Hahaha. (HollyWire)

Yo Elinor Burkett, I'm happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, BUT KANYE WEST HAD THE BEST AWARDS SHOW INTERRUPTION OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME. (CelebSmack)

I don't know who Eva Amurri is, but I kinda adore this dress. (usemycomputer)

Oh look, Adam Lambert covered his penis in diamonds. (Allie Is Wired)

Here are a bunch of pictures from Oscar After-Parties. Look! Whores! (Evil Beet)

Did you know that, by law, I'm contractually obligated to post pictures of Christina Hendricks' wonderful, awe-inspiring cleavage whenever they pop up? It's true. If I don't Stacey will beat me like a rented mule. Yeah, that whole "Webster's Is My Bitch" thing wasn't just a clever title; she will literally whip me raw should I fail to post Christina Hendricks' glorious bastards. Not that I mind, because whips are awesome and because I simply adore Christina Hendricks. I'm just letting you know really.

Here's more of Christina Hendricks at the Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Party. And may I add: *Bibbledy-bibbledy-bibbledy*

So as it turns out, Miley Cyrus is currently banging the guy from her new movie, so of course she's making the rounds now and talking to Teen Vogue and all that crap and according to her, she and Liam are just soooooooo deep. Yeah, like a friggin' kiddie pool.

Miley on Liam: "I think we're both deeper than normal people -- what they think and how they feel. He's very grateful for what he has, but he doesn't let it go to his head. I'm like that too.

Liam on Miley: "Working with Miley was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. From the first time we read, it was like I had known her before." (Source)

Oh who the hell are we kidding here, right? Miley Cyrus has about as many dimensions as a goddamn doodle in the margins of an F-Grade essay. If Miley Cyrus is actually deeper than you, then you might want to check your pulse because you may very well be a goddamn mannequin. Seriously Hollywood, stop letting Miley Cyrus do anything. You people are enablers.

Fact: There is no goddamn end to Gabourey Sidibe's fierceness. This was demonstrated last night on the red carpet when she got pulled over by Ryan Seacrest (why do people continue to let this man exist?) and she described her dress as this:

If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot. (Source)

That is GODDAMN RIGHT. While Ryan Seacrest was left blubbering and baffled on the sidelines by her sheer awesomeness, she continued to pose and vogue and sashay to her heart's content. The only way this could possibly get anymore awesome is if she grabbed Ryan Seacrest by his stupid tie, bitch-slapped him a couple more times, then strutted off into the sunset. Awesomesauce.

Here's more of the fiercy-hot fierceness that is Gabourey Sidibe at the Oscars:

Gwyneth Paltrow hit up a karaoke bar in Nashville where she's just wrapping up her next film, Love Don't Let Me Down, and decided to hand over her Stuffy White Lady card and take the  giant stick out of her butt to do a performance of The Fugees' "Killing Me Softly." Yeah, I mean, I guess she sounds good and all, and has more rhythm than I ever would have given her credit for, but whatever. I'd like to see her five glasses of chardonnay in belting it out to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." This is just "I'm Better Than You" karaoke starring Gwyneth Paltrow.

So The Oscars were last night, and of course people wore pretty dresses and gold statues were handed out and James Cameron went home to wipe away his tears with billions of dollars in cash. Oh, and Sandra Bullock became the first person to win both an Oscar and a Razzie award (for Best and Worst Actress respectively), and she was actually pretty cool about the whole thing.

Bullock implied that many Razzie voters had not actually seen the movie but cast ballots for her hoping to get her to show up at the awards. Bullock said if they watched the DVD - "I mean really watch it" - and decided it was not the worst performance of the year after all, then she would come back next year and "give back the Razzie. ... then we'll go drink afterwards." (Source)

And of course, her Oscar acceptance speech was equally badass.

"So... if I can take this moment to thank Helga B. for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18 because she was right," Sandra continued. "I would've done what she said I was gonna do. For making me practice every day when I got home. Piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist, you had to practice every day, and for reminding her daughters that there's no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So, to that trailblazer, who allowed me to have that. And this." (Source)

Okay, so while I certainly think there were actresses who deserved the Oscar more than she did, I have to admit, the girl gives some seriously badass Oscar speeches. I'm tempted to give her every award in the world just to hear another one of her speeches. You know what? Eff it, Sandra Bullock, you win the Litely Salted Award for Best Speech. You may leave your words of acceptance in the comments. You can check out both speeches in full after the jump.

Oh look, it's the Bear Jew and he is looking dead sexxeh as per usual. (Celebitchy)

Check out Pajiba's first annual Quote Appreciation Awards for 2009. (Pajiba)

So apparently, Heidi Montag has already sold the first photos of the baby she's yet to be pregnant with to a magazine. Ummmmm...Okay then. (Yeeeah!)

Apparently, Rihanna is taking fashion tips from Bayonetta. (The Blemish)

What is Nicolas Cage doing with this cucumber? And more importantly, do you really want to know? (Seriously? OMG!)

Hmmm...So apparently, even Britney Spears' own boyfriend hates her crappy music. (Celebslam)

Here's the cast of Jersey Shore having a battle of wits...and I use that term in the loosest sense. (HollyWire)

Apparently, Sean Penn thinks his haters can die of Rectal Cancer. Uh, classy. (CelebSmack)

Oh look, Sofia Vergara's boobs. (usemycomputer)

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are way richer than you will ever be. Whoopee! (Evil Beet)

Looks like Johnny Depp doesn't want to shoot a love scene with Angelina Jolie. Gossip rags, start your engines. (Allie Is Wired)

I'm not sure what exactly it is about her, but I'm kind of in love with Gabby Sidibe. She was amazing in Precious, she's funny as hell in interviews, and she has a pretty amazing sense of style. Also, Chris Rock went for a two-hander ass-grab when she was at the Essence Black Women In Hollywood event, and she just brushed it off and chalked it up to being just too friggin' sexy. Amazing.

But she got a shock as she stood up to make her way to the stage - when Rock grabbed her behind with both hands.

Despite shaking off the Everybody Hates Chris creator with a playful slap, Sidibe admits her father was furious over the incident.

She tells ETOnline, "As I go up to get my award in a room where my dad is, because he's one of my dates, Chris Rock grabbed my butt with both of his hands - and then I slapped him back. I didn't think too much of it at all, but my dad was super p**sed."

And she quips, "Some dudes gotta have it - it's my own fault for being too damn fine." (Source)

You see, this is what I love about her: She's effortlessly charming, confident without being a total up-her-own-ass bitch, and fierce as hell. Seriously, if Johnny Weir rode a flaming rainbow down a rainbow road while Madonna's "Vogue" played in the background, he still wouldn't be anywhere near as fierce as Gabby is.

Remember Billy Corgan? He banged Courtney Love, and he made one good album on his own about 15 years ago, then did pretty much nothing ever since. Oh, and he might have nailed Tila Tequila or something ... Yeah, that guy. Anyway, he seems to think he's one of the best musicians in the entire world, to which I say, HAHAHAHAHA no.

"Do I belong in the conversation about the best artists in the world? My answer is yes, I do," he says. "I've been too productive for too long, and despite what anybody wants to strip away from me, I am influential. I am. So all the Pitchforks in the world can try to strip me of every ounce of dignity, but I belong." (Source)

Ummmmm...sure you do. Also, "Two And A Half Men" is one of the greatest shows ever, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was a cinematic classic, and Rob Schneider is this generation's Jack Nicholson. If I keep repeating it too myself, then it must be true!

So apparently, Kim Kardashian thinks she has just the greatest, bestest, most-super-totally-awesome job ever or something. Actually, now that I think about it, what exactly does she do again? Ah, yes, that's right, she does nothing while cameras film her doing nothing and then people all over the world watch her do nothing. Sweet gig, huh?

The 29-year-old star appears in reality TV show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' with her family and still can't believe her luck.

She said: "I couldn't have a better job in the entire world,' she told the magazine. I mean, it's my job to film a TV show with my family. I get paid to get up and live my normal life." (Source)

As opposed to say the rest of the world, who either have to slave away at a job they hate for crap one, or are looking for a job where they can slave away at for crap money. Whereas, you got a reality TV show because you once let Ray J pee on you. Thanks for rubbing it in, jerk.

Playgirl has revealed that they would be open to having Fat Asian Spencer Pratt pose for their magazine. But unfortunately for him, they apparently pay by the inch.

If Playgirl ever asks Jon Gosselin, 32, to pose nude, he may be a little insulted by the offer. "We discussed it, and we'd offer him only $20,000," Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio tells Life & Style; exclusively. "His star is extinguishing, and he's not very [well endowed]" -- as Jon's exes Hailey Glassman and Kate Major both recently revealed. "Honestly," says Nardicio, "it'd be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot." (Source)

Novelty-schmovelty. I think Playgirl is kind of underestimating Jon here. (Ha ha, see what I did there?) There's a reason why people slow down to gawk at roadside accidents and why "2 Girls 1 Cup" was one of the biggest internet phenomenons of all time. If Jon Gosselin poses for Playgirl, that issue will the biggest selling issue ever. Mark my words.

The Olympics ended five days ago and everyone has their medals and blah and blah and blah, so Rolling Stone decided to posthumously jump on the Olympic bandwagon by sticking Shaun White, a snowboarder, on the cover of a music magazine. This makes sense apparently. Actually, the more I look at it the more I realize that Shaun White looks exactly like Kathy Griffin; only without the boobs or sense of humor. All I'm saying is, don't be too surprised if Shaun White hosts the GayVNs this year.

As psyched as I am about the new Nightmare On Elm Street movie, Jackie Earle Haley's voice just weirds me out. Also, Kim quoted me on this one. Thanks Kim! Love ya honey! (Agent Bedhead)

Here's a clip from the pilot of the American remake of Simon Pegg's Spaced, and thank God it was never aired because it suh-UUUUUUUUUCKS. (Pajiba)

Megan Fox is practically a virgin, y'all! The keyword here being "Practically". (Yeeeah!)

Apparently, Kesha (NOT Ke$ha because that's stupid) isn't a fan of Britney Spears, but that's okay because no one is a fan of Kesha. (The Blemish)

Ever wonder what happened to Conan's writers? They're helping him write his Tweets. (Seriously? OMG!)

Remember how Sarah Palin was supposed to be a down-home hockey mom? Well, her and her 20-person entourage cleaned up at an Oscar gift bag event. (Celebitchy)

Here's Lady Gaga doing her best slutty lampshade impression. She nailed it! (Popbytes)

Jessica Simpson and Jeremy Renner are together now? Aw goddammit to hell. (BricksandStones)

Oh look, McSteamy and his McWife had a McBaby. McYay! (POTP)

So that Brady Bunch reunion that was supposed to happen? Well that's off now because Jan and Marcia freaking HATE each other. (Evil Beet)

I know when stars get famous, the media tends to delve into their past to find out what jobs they had beforehand, and Diane Kruger is no different. Well actually, she is, because out of all the really weird jobs I've ever heard, this ranks pretty high up on the banana-rama-batshit-insane scale; Diane Kruger was paid to be sad at funerals.

She said: "We always had jobs. Between the ages of eight and 12 I was a professional griever. I'm not joking!

"I went to Catholic school and they would have young girls with a candle stand in front of the coffins. It was the worst job anyone could think of.

"You'd stand there, with people crying and weeping, and walk in front of the coffin. Once they were buried, the priest would come up to you and hand you five Deutschmarks." (Source)

Five Deutschmarks? What a friggin' rip off! Seriously, when we went to funerals, all we got was a case of Irish-Catholic guilt, and impending sense of doom and some serious wiggin's. And to think, I could have nabbed five whole deutschmarks out of the whole deal! Do you know how much Schokolade that would buy a kid?

So apparently Chloe "Oh look at me, I have an UMLAUT in my name, aren't I just the greatest?" Sevigny was having a chat with Elle Magazine, where she said that finding a boyfriend is hard because men are intimidated by how famous she is. Right. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you look like The White Witch or that you gave Vincent Gallo a hummer in that one crappy movie.

The Brown Bunny actress suggested to Elle that her fame could be a problem when trying to get a boyfriend.

Sevigny said: "Men are intimidated by me.

"My friends say, 'You have to find someone more famous and successful than you, or someone who's so happy with their own life they can handle the attention you get." (Source)

Oh please, really? Alright, here's the thing: straight men are the easiest people in the entire world to please. Really. If you're an average looking chick and you show so much as a hint that you want to sleep with a dude, they will fucking come running. So either you need to try harder, or you're just really creepy and off-putting.

I don't even know why this deserves a post, to be honest. Lady Gaga has worn everything on her head from a diamond-encrusted lobster to giant Pan's Labyrinth horns -- and that's just in the past week. So really, Lady Gaga wearing a telephone on her head only seems like the natural progression of things. The saddest thing about this is that Lady Gaga's younger fans probably have no idea what that thing on her head is. "I saw that thing in a museum one time. I think it was used to churn butter or something. Whatever, like I'm supposed to know everything."

Here's Lindsay Lohan giving her best "I will suck your dick for an eight-ball and some Grey Goose" look in Purple Magazine. Oh don't even try to deny it, we all know at this point that Lindsay Lohan would polish some guy's knob for a ride on the white pony. All I'm saying is, don't be too surprised if you're ever driving through Weho and you see Lindsay Lohan strutting around in thigh-high leather boots offering you Cleveland Steamers and snowballs in exchange for coke.

Here's more Lindsay Lohan in Purple:

Here's a look at how the 2010 Oscars will probably turn out, and hooooo boy has the bejeezus ever been scared out of me. (Pajiba)

Why yes, these are Mary Carey's actual boobs. HOLY CRAP. (Yeeeah!)

One of Michael Jackson's nephews tried to stun gun one of Blanket. Hate to sound like a broken record, but HOLY CRAP. (The Blemish)

This just in: Hugh Jackman is still a total DILF. (Seriously? OMG!)

Why does Kelly Osbourne look like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada now? (Celebitchy)

Salma Hayek shows off her impressive cleavage (Yay!) while at a book reading with Dora The Explorer (...Okay then.) (Celebslam)

Here's an eight-year-old girl dressed, singing and dancing as Lady Gaga. I'm not sure whether this is insanely cute or insanely creepy. Although she is fierce as hell. (HollyWire)

Speaking of fierceness, here's Johnny Weir, the fiercest fierce to ever fierce a fierce. (CelebSmack)

Here's Ali Larter at a Hungry In America Project Benefit. (usemycomputer)

Apparently, Cyndi Lauper went to the same hair dresser as Phil Spector. (popbytes)

Lindsay Lohan is going to be (ghost)writing a book soon, because really, don't they all? (Evil Beet)

Alright, so I know at this point that making fun of Paris Hilton's stupid ass is like fishing with dynamite in a barrel where all the fish are retarded and have Daddy issues, but whatever, it's a slow news day, so here's a story about Paris Hilton getting pulled over by the cops for driving in a lane designated for cyclists. All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

PARIS HILTON found herself in trouble with police on Tuesday (02Mar10) when she was pulled over by California authorities for driving in a bicycle lane.

The socialite was spotted attempting to overtake slower cars in her Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV) on Santa Monica Boulevard by cutting into the specialised lane.

But her impatience caught the eye of local Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies, who pulled the star over for questioning. (Source)

If anything, the only thing I find even remotely surprising about this is the fact that someone let Paris Hilton around heavy machinery. Reckless endangerment of civilians? Of course. A complete lack of knowledge for basic road rules? Certainly. But the ability to actually control a motor vehicle without immediately dying in a fiery explosion? Well my mind has just been BLOWN.

So Robert Pattinson was on The Daily Show yesterday (yes, really) to promote his soon-to-suck movie Remember Me, and in between Jon Stewart's sheer awesomeness and the crowd of screaming 12-year-old girls/40-year-old moms to talk about how completely and totally fucking bonkers his fans are.

Robert said he'd had to keep his hotel a secret to avoid stalkers but since he was leaving New York that day he could reveal it. "It's the Mandarin," he said, after confusing it with the Mondrian in LA.

Stewart asked him how he navigates the throngs of fans when he goes out.

"You can just ignore it," Robert said. "It becomes part of your day." (Source)

While I may think Twilight is a fucking blight on western culture and that Stephanie Meyers desperately needs to stay as far away from the English language as humanely possible, I have to admit, Robert Pattinson is kind of endearing in a whole "Sweet but slobby" sort of way. Although it might just be the accent. Or the residual awesome coming off of Jon Stewart.

Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger were at the Vera Wang store last night, where they apparently decided to have an impromptu "Who's skinnier?" competition. While Reese gave a valiant effort, Renee wins it by looking about five tic-tacs and a stick of celery away from keeling over from malnutrition. I mean Christ, you could cut a diamond on those clavicles. Would someone please feed this woman a sammich before her legs snap like a pair of pretzel sticks?

Here's more of Stick 1 and Stick 2 at the Vera Wang store:

I'm not sure how to feel about this one; on the one hand, Amy Winehouse got back together with her ex-husband, which I see ending VERY badly. On the other hand, said ex-hubbie is getting her to go to rehab in order to get her clean before he can re-marry her. Decisions decisions...

Blake Fielder-Civil - who reunited with the 'Back to Black' singer earlier this year - has reportedly told her to seek help for her alcohol addiction before he will consider marrying her again.

A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Amy is always telling Blake she wants to get married again but he's saying not until she cleans up her act." (Source)

Oh darn, why can't I come up with a joke about this? It's like there's no obvious joke about Amy Winehouse going to rehab or something. How weird is that? On the plus side,  when she's sober, maybe she'll finally realize that getting back together with an abusive ex is the absolute worst idea ever.

To the shock and awe of absolutely no one with more than two brain cells, Naomi Campbell got herself in yet another little shitstorm after sucker punching her limo driver while he was driving her through New York. If anything, the only part that really shocks me about this whole thing is that Naomi didn't wait until he pulled over to the side of the road before violently beating him. Doesn't she know how dangerous that is? Tsk tsk.

Ms Campbell is alleged to have hit the driver from behind, causing his head to hit the steering wheel, as they drove through New York.

Police said they did not expect to make any arrests after the incident.

The 39-year-old model has been sentenced to community service over previous incidents of assault. (Source)

Oh please, like we all didn't see this one coming. Seriously, everyone who works for her probably has to sign a waiver or something stating that they acknowledge they will regularly come up close and personal with Naomi Campbell's cell phone. And God help whoever's around when she gets her grubby little mitts on an iPad. Those things look like they pack a wallop.

Lindsay Lohan decided to show what an absolute class act she is by throwing a Red Bull at the paparazzi. (The Blemish)

Jerry Seinfeld's new show, The Marriage Ref, sucks about as badly as everything else he's ever done. (Pajiba)

Jessica Simpson sat down to talk to Oprah about John Mayer's comments, which is weird because usually people go on Oprah when they actually did something. (Yeeeah!)

So apparently R-Patz was bothered by the commercials he did with Jimmy Fallon, and not because he keeps laughing at the camera. (Seriously? OMG!)

So apparently Lady Gaga is celibate or something, which is probably because no one can figure out how to get her out of her dresses in the first place. (Celebitchy)

Christina Millian (remember her? Me neither) had herself a baby. All together now: Awwwwwww! (BricksandStones)

Yeah, so that Ghostbusters 3 that's apparently coming out? Well Bill Murray is having NONE of that thank you very much and good day to you sir. (Agent Bedhead)

Oh thank you little baby Jeebus, the cast of Glee is doing a live concert tour, proving once and for all that there is, in fact, a loving God. (POTP)

So Kevin Jonas' wife? As it turns out, she's kind of a total bitch. (Evil Beet)

So OK Go, the guys behind the big ol' treadmill dance, are back again with another viral video and it is absolutely INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE. I'm pretty sure there's a song playing, but I didn't really hear it because I was a bit too distracted by the sheer goddamn awesomeness of this video. Alright, it's official: OK Go has just won at life. Please come collect your trophies so that you may display them proudly on your mantelpieces.

The cast of Jersey Shore was on George Lopez's late-night talk show (I still can't believe it either) to promote whatever the fuck it is they need to promote, and they took time out of their busy schedules of hitting the gym, buying cases of hair gel at Costco and bathing in penicillin to spoof The Hurt Locker, which is sort of like having a shit sandwich spoof a fine slice of Filet Mignon.

The weird thing about today's Weird Lady Gaga Outfit is that I remember wearing something eerily similar to what she's wearing. Mind you, I was playing a flower in the kindergarten play of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, so there's that. Also, am I the only one who notices the look of absolute ennui on her bodyguard's face? He probably never thought he would be spending all those years in Bodyguard School* so he could protect a girl dressed as a giant rose. That being said, she was at the MAC Viva Glam launch party to help raise awareness for HIV/AIDS, so you know, that's pretty kickass of her.

*That's a thing, right?

The line-up for the new "Dancing with the Loser Celebrities Nobody Cares About" has been announced, which includes Kate Gosselin along with Pamela Anderson, the newest "Bachelor" guy, Shannen Doherty, Buzz Aldrin, Niecy Nash, Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, among others. Last night the former Mrs. Jon Gosselin went on Jimmy Kimmel to discuss the show.

When Kate asserts that she will win, Kimmel asks, "Are you a competitive person?" "Have you watched my show?" Kate responds.

She also says that she never played sports as a kid because she wasn't coordinated enough but "I can run." (Source)

Huh ... For some strange reason I actually don't get the impression that Jimmy Kimmel watches "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." Although I could be wrong. For all I know maybe he blocks it in his TiVO between "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and "What Not to Wear."

Pop Quiz! Someone on Twitter says that he likes your song. Do you:
(A) Say thank you, maybe tell him you like one of his songs too.
(B) Throw in a little false modesty, tell all your friends you have a famous fan
(C) Call him a little bitch and ask him to show his racist dick
If you guessed C, congratulations! You are Kesha (not Ke$ha) and you are friggin' gross as hell.

Referring to her hit 'Tik Tok', John kicked off the cyber relationship by tweeting: "Dear Kesha, you have won me over with your tricks and charms and I must tell you I really like your song.

"Though I must add I tried brushing with a bottle of Jack and I chipped a tooth on the glass. Where might I remit an invoice?"

The 23-year-old singer soon responded to John's messages with her suggestive request.

She wrote: "dear john mayerrr. Don't be a little b***h wit ur chit chat. Just show me whur ur d**k's at. X [sic]" (Source)

Slow Clap. Well done, Ms. Kesha. Truly, you are the epitome of taste and elegance. Maybe tomorrow you can teach us all the best way to flash your cooze while picking yourself up out of your own puddle of puked up Bacardi Breezer, or how to give the bouncer a handy to let your 16-year-old cousin into the bar.

Sorry guys for the blatant "30 Rock" reference, but that's seriously the only thing I could think of when I saw these photos of Vince Vaughn at the Olympic USA hockey game last Friday. It's not so much what he's eating, it's how he's eating it. He's got all the grace and poise of my one-year-old niece trying to shovel a handful of mashed-up lasagna or something into her face. The only thing missing here, really, is a bib that says "Mommy's Little Princess!" on it.