Jon Stewart has option Maziar Bahari's life story into a feature film. In related news, Jon Stewart = The Awesomesauce. (Pajiba)

Ugh, gross. Kesha (not Ke$ha) might have a sex tape off. I'll give you a minute to wipe your puke off the computer monitor. (Yeeeah!)

This really shouldn't surprise anyone, but Jesse James might be a friggin' nazi. (The Blemish)

Aziz Ansari is hosting the MTV movie awards. Ugh, way to suck Aziz Ansari. (Seriously? OMG!)

The secret to Chelsea Handler's amazing body? Vodka and Doritos. Yeah, really. (Celebitchy)

Remember how Lindsay got caught lying about saving 40 children in India? Well, looks like India is bringin' the banhammer down on her. (Celebslam)

Sorry kids, looks like Hogwarts may have literally burned to the ground. Blame Voldemort. (HollyWire)

Here's Crazy Tits hosting a garage sale, because we all know that you just can't buy meth with Bake Sale money. (CelebSmack)

Here's Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of "The Bounty Hunter". (usemycomputer)

Haha, Mariah Carey's crappy remix album got canceled. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. (Allie Is Wired)