It's that time of the week again: Here's Bruce Willis' career assessment. (Pajiba)

Anne Hathaway shows some pasty, sexy skin. (Yeeeah!)

Brittany Murphy was chock full of sunshine and wonder. And by "sunshine", I mean "drugs". and by wonder, I mean "more drugs". (The Blemish)

Here's Lenny Kravitz with his ex-wife and his ex-wife's new boyfriend. Hello awkward moment. (Seriously? OMG!)

Wait, so is Kirstie Alley's Phitter website just a phucking phront for Scientology? (Celebitchy)

Ha ha, Mischa Barton's pretty little car got towed! (Celebslam)

Zac Efron gives cancer the middle finger. In related news, I actually like Zac Efron a little now. (HollyWire)

So Andrew Koenig, that guy who played Boner that went missing? They found his body. Our condolences. (CelebSmack)

Lily Allen is quitting the music biz to... *Shakes Magic 8 Ball* sell vintage clothing? Okay then. (Evil Beet)

Wanna see Kesha's Ass? Hell no you say? Well TFB, here it is anyway. (Allie Is Wired)

Oh what the hell is this now? I know Lady Gaga is supposed to be so quirky and crazy and artistic, but come on; there is no friggin' way this can be comfortable. Seriously, not only does her neck look about five seconds away from snapping under the weight, but she also looks like the illegitimate of one of the creatures from Pan's Labyrinth and the goat thing from The Chronicles of Narnia. Why Mr. Tumnus, why?! 

After a while, there are just some facets of celebrity culture that come as a given: Heidi and Spencer are douchebags, Neil Patrick Harris is charming as hell and Courtney Love is 100% completely and totally certifiably batshit insane. But still, after Meth Mom went ahead and put on her best crazypants at the NME Awards, Lily Allen went ahead and reminded us that, yes, Courtney Love is still completely friggin' bonkers.

Allen writes, "Just clearing a couple of things up. Courtney Love and I did NOT have a bust up at the NMEs. There was an exchange of words, yes. She's upset because she has got it into her head that I put a lock on some dresses for the Brit awards. She's made no secret of this and when I saw her at the NMEs she tried to talk to me and I told her to shut up, stop spreading stupid rumours about me.

"And that's pretty much it. I would never fight with her, as a rule I don't pick on crazy old ladies... but it's the sort of thing a paranoid drug addled lunatic might come up with."(Source)

At this point, is it even worth it to make fun of Courtney Love? Seriously, being saner than Courtney Love is like being the skinny bitch at fat camp, if the rest of the kids at fat camp were drug-addled burn-outs who see nothing wrong with sticking their dead husband on a godddamn lunch box in order to make a quick buck.

Bret Michaels recorded a duet with Miley Cyrus called "Nothing to Lose" that contains some interesting lyrics. You know, like telling a 17-year-old girl to "get undressed." The song is pretty lame and you can listen to it here if you want -- because this clip here is of Bret Michaels getting closelined at the Tony Awards last summer. It never gets old!

In the just-released rock-country ballad "Nothing to Lose," Cyrus, 17, croons along with the former Poison frontman, 46. Michaels provides lead vocals on the song, which describes an anguished romance.

"We both know better than this," he trills, "still we can't resist...Slowly get undressed."

The chorus describes two lovers tussling in the "darkness": "Won't you fall down on me/So close I can feel you breathe/Tonight in the darkness with nothing to lose/If the truth is all we can see/If I fall for you, could you fall for me?" (Source)

I was going to say something along the lines of: This isn't the first time Bret Michaels tells a 17-year-old to "slowly get undressed" and it probably won't be the last ... But, come on. This is Bret Michaels we're talking about here. Normally it's probably all just like, "First one of you girls naked gets to touch my bandanna! WOO!" He's such a romantic like that.

Normally when I think of beer, I think "That stuff that tastes like piss and doesn't have nearly enough alcohol in it." I do not, however, think of stupid spoiled whores, but apparently someone does because Paris Hilton is peddling this crap down in Brazil. Unfortunately, they're pretty pissed about it, and not just because they have to see Paris Hilton's butterface all over the place.

"It's an ad that devalues women -- in particular, blond women," according to a spokeswoman for the Women's Secretariat who said it received numerous complaints. She spoke Thursday on condition of anonymity because she was not free to discuss the case.

Many Brazilian beer ads feature women in bikinis -- but a key difference is that those are set on the beach, said Eduardo Correia, a spokesman for the regulator Conar, which has opened three separate investigations into the campaign. (Source)

To be honest with you, I was offended by the ad too. Not because I thought it objectified women or anything, but because there is no way anyone finds Paris Hilton attractive. Now, maybe if the crowd was holding up pitchforks, torches and crosses this ad might be believable, but unless those glasses are full of penicillin, I'm not buying it.

Awwwww, how sad, Gwyneth GOOPy Paltrow is getting a friend-divorce! ...Oh darn, where did I put that rat's ass I was supposed to give... (Agent Bedhead)

So the new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer is out, and I'm a little torn. On one hand: Jackie Earle Haley and Connie Britton. On the other: Michael Bay. (Pajiba)

So not only does that slut from The Bachelor have a sex tape, but she was also a total slut in High School. HA! (Yeeeah!)

I'm not going to say anything bad about Johnny Depp, mostly because the new BF adores him, but, ummmm...He has terrible hygiene. (The Blemish)

Alright, so I'm already pretty excited for Tina Fey's movie Date Night, but the added bonus of Mark Whalberg's abs makes it all SO much better. (Seriously? OMG!)

Okay, so not only is Miss Beverley Hills a complete and total gaycist, but she is an absolute friggin' DOG. (Celebitchy)

So a Kardashian, a Lohan, a Real Housewife and that Jersey Shore Cast Memeber no one cares about walk into a bar... (BricksandStones)

So not only is PETA irritating as hell, they're also completely behind the times. Well done PETA, now how about an iPad joke? (POTP)

Kesha (And not Ke$ha, because putting a dollar sign in your name is STUPID) wants you to know she's not a party girl, despite every song of hers being about partying. (Evil Beet)

Kirstie Alley is appearing on "Oprah" today to talk about how she's fat and her new reality show which focuses on how she's fat. For some reason Lord Oprah brought up a 2009 People interview in which Kirstie said that she "wanted a booty call with [sic] Jamie Foxx," and then of course Oprah delivered the goods because she's all about making dreams come true like that.

Winfrey reminded the Fat Actress star of the quotes and inquired if she really would love "a booty call from Jamie." Replies Alley: "You know, me and about 3 million other women in the United States."

"Well, you know, that's really great because we have a special relationship, but I don't want a booty call," Winfrey says of her friend, who magically appeared via closed-circuit TV - prompting screams from Alley. "Kirstie ... with Oprah's permission, I'll be your booty call," Foxx, 42, tells her. (Source)

Right. What Kirstie Alley probably didn't know is that Jamie Foxx was actually being closed circuit broadcast from backstage at the "Oprah" show in a room locked with a titanium-reinforced steel doors. We all know what that woman can do to a bucket of the Colonial's "all dark meat" chicken. Walking out there would have been suicide.

As much as I bash Lady Gaga for her barely coherent ramblings, I have to admit I respect her much more when she's actually stating opinion instead of name dropping a word salad of fashionistas and artists. Which is why I kinda love her interview with Cosmo where she talks about getting back at her ex-boyfriend by being everywhere.

Lady Gaga in her underwear covers the new Cosmopolitan, on newsstands March 9, and over riceless sushi and dressingless salad she tells the magazine about her meteoric rise.

On her ex:
"I had a boyfriend who told me I'd never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I'd fail. I said to him, 'Someday, when we're not together, you won't be able to order a cup of coffee a the f***ing deli without hearing or seeing me.'" (Source)

I know living well is the best revenge, but to be honest, I always figured writing a smash-hit dance song was probably the best middle finger around. Think about it: You go out with all your friends, then what do you know; your ex's song is on the radio and all of a sudden everyone is dancing around to a song about how much you suck and how crappy in bed you were while your ex buh-buh-BANKS. Word up, yo.

Because obviously, The Kardashians just weren't quite slutty enough as they were, Kim Kardashian (a.k.a. the one with the sex tape) was on QVC to pimp out her crappy perfume, because really, who could possibly pass up the opportunity to pay good money for something that smells like piss, swamp ass and desperation from the comfort of their own home?

On Monday I stopped by QVC to do my very first live home shopping network appearance with Lisa Robertson. I don't know about you guys but I've always been kind of obsessed with home shopping networks. I think that's why I love eBay so much too... so convenient just shopping from your couch, and I get so excited when the packages come! (Source)

Gosh, I wonder how much eBay paid her to spout out THAT gem? I mean Christ woman, if you're going to go on the record saying that you don't shamelessly push crappy merchandise on your site, at least try to hide it here. A six-month-old baby lacking the concept of object permanence can see through your bullshit.

I'm not sure how to feel about this to be perfectly honest with you. One one hand, this photoshoot of the Jersey Shore boys comes from Terry Richardson, a man who looks a little more suited for one of those oh-so-ironic American Apparel ads, which makes me happy. On the other hand, the tanned, gymmed and tattooed hunks of man meat kinda makes it look like a spread in Unzipped, which also makes me happy. So I guess I'm happy with this. What can I say? These guys probably couldn't rub two brain cells together to light a friggin' match, but at least they're pretty, right? Well, just as long as you're okay with shrunken testes anyway. (H/T to Gawker)

I'm a gigantic Twitter whore, so I just absolutely LOVE this: Conan O'Brien got himself a shiny new Twitter account yesterday, and on top of being pretty goddamn funny, in the space of (at the time of writing anyway) 14 hours he has almost eight times the followers that Jay Leno has. All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Take THAT, Chinboy! Anyway, his first and only tweet thus far:

Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me. (Source)

Okay, so it's not a lot right now, granted, but honestly, at this point any story about how Conan O'Brien is kicking Jay Leno's fat, conniving ass makes me feel just so goddamn good. That, and Twitter followers are like life blood to me (*cough*followmeandStacey*cough*) so the fact that Conan has more makes me smile. Team Coco!

Normally I'd use any excuse to post a Jon Hamm pic, but the fact that you can actually see his schlong through his jeans is just icing on the cake here. (CelebSmack)

Here are the best buddy cop movies. (Pajiba)

Hey, remember how Brad and Angelina were breaking up and stuff? Yeah, not so much. (Yeeeah!)

Ha ha, JLo's record label dropped her gigantic, washed up ass. (The Blemish)

Remember back when Antonio Banderas was hot? Well get ready to completely ruin those memories. (Seriously? OMG!)

You know, part of me thinks that Matthew Goode is kind of an asshole for bashing his own movies, but on the other hand, I paid good money to see Leap Year, so hearing him rip it makes me feel a bit better. (Celebitchy)

I've always had a bit of a thing for Luke Wilson, so maybe I just can't see how he's all that fat now. (Celebslam)

I don't know what's sadder: The fact that they're making a sequel to Curious George or the fact that Matt Lauer actually agreed to be in it. (HollyWire)

Here's Lindsay Lohan looking slightly less haggard than usual. (usemycomputer)

Gosh, I wonder what this huge cactus in front of Jeff Briges' crotch represents? (popbytes)

Chris Brown went on the record to talk about Tiger Woods and of course he made it all about himself. (Evil Beet)

No, seriously, what the hell is this? *Five-Second Google Search* Okay, so apparently this is part of some Pop Life exhibit over in London, which strikes me as a little odd considering this is less "Pop Life" and more "Hey, let's throw every goddamn Asian stereotype into a four minute video!" You know what? The hell with it. I'm gonna go make a video where I bathe in maple syrup while wearing a mountie costume then go out and ride a moose into the sunset. ART!

Justin Bieber, who has apparently become the new crush of creepy pedophiliac women everywhere, went on the record to say that Miley Cyrus isn't his type. Which is weird because when you're fifteen, even linoleum flooring will get you in the mood.

During a recent interview with New York's Z100, Bieber, 15, was asked if he had a crush on 17-year-old Cyrus.

"Noooooooo! Not my type," he muttered. He quickly added, "She's cool. She's nice."

Though he thinks "Selena Gomez is pretty," he said, "I don't like her. I think she is cute. I think she is a cutie." (Source)

To be honest, I've never really paid much attention to Justin Bieber's music mostly because I have these things called "Taste" and "Dignity" and "Self-Respect", but to be honest, from what I've seen in interviews and public appearances...Well, the kid is kind of a pervbot. All I'm saying is, I have a fifteen year old brother, and if he ever acted the way this creepy little horndog does, I would not even hesitate to beat his ass like a rented goddamn mule.

I haven't been paying too close attention to the whole Charlie Sheen-Brooke Mueller ordeal because if I was interested in something this convoluted with crazy twists and turns, I'd just watch "Lost." But anyway, Charlie Sheen is "taking a little break" to go to rehab, which is probably only like his eleventyeth time now or something.

In a joint statement to UsMagazine.com, CBS, Warner Bros. Television and Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre stay they "support Charlie Sheen in his decision today to begin voluntary in-patient care at a treatment center. We wish him nothing but the best as he deals with this personal matter. Production on Two and a Half Men will be temporarily suspended." (Source)

I'm sure this is a very difficult time for Charlie Sheen and his family, but at least you can look at it that some good is coming from this situation, and it's that "Two and a Half Men" is temporarily cancelled. Ha ha. Suck it, you stupid show!

Kate Winslet keeps her Oscar on the toilet, as opposed to James Cameron whose movies just belong in the toilet. (Agent Bedhead)

Here's a review Roman Polanski's Ghost Writer, which is...Ummmmm, touchy. (Pajiba)

Poor Whitney's voice CRACKed during concert and proceeded to BLOW her performance, but hopefully she'll ROCK it next time. Meth. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan was surprised about her love of women. Also surprising: How quickly she could run her career into the ground. (The Blemish)

Just because I can, here's a video of Ricky Gervais on The Daily Show, and it is Fuh. Naw. Min. Ul. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's Lady Gaga wearing a strap-on on the cover of Q Magazine. Time to start up the hermaphrodite rumours! (Celebitchy)

Oh F*ck YES, Betty White is gonna host SNL! WOOOOOOOO! (BricksandStones)

Aw hells to the YEAH, Glee is going to be performing at the White House! (POTP)

Bristol Palin is going to be on TV, because...Ummmmm, why is she gonna be on TV again? (Evil Beet)

Alright guys, I have big news for those of you who have no sense of reality and believe that fictional characters are real: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are totally dating! Gasp! Seriously, my mind has just been blown people. Buh-LOWN.

Robert, 23, insists they have only avoided going public with their relationship before now because they were worried about being hounded by obsessed fans.

Speaking at the post-BAFTAs dinner held at London's Grosvenor House Hotel, he said: "It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can't arrive at the same time because of the fans, it goes crazy. (Source)

That tiny screaming noise you may have heard in the distance was the sound of every 12-year girl and 40-year old woman having some sort of Twigasm. God, seriously? Right now I'm just waiting for the inevitable insane Team Jakob Twihards coming out of the wood work with pitchforks and torches and trapper keepers demanding blood from people who do not exist.

As you may know, Heidi and Spencer have recently taken a break from conventional Christianity to go New Age on everybody's asses. Yesterday Jerm posted a picture of Heidi Montag balancing her chakras and today I have ... This. Apparently a few days ago Spencer Pratt decided to put on his best boardwalk T-shirt-stand tie-dye shirt with virtually no product in his hair whatsoever and go parading around in front of his house wearing a bunch of crappy bracelets and necklaces that he probably also got from that stand on the boardwalk and shoving some crystals in the paparazzi's face. Right, I'm sure that'll go just fine with the big guy upstairs. Like if there's anything Jesus possibly hates more than people that believe in the healing power of crystals it's people who walk slow in front of you on sidewalks or old ladies who pay with checks at the grocery store. That's right, Nana. You're going to hell.

 

After Jessica Simpson's dog got carried off by Coyotes last fall, Jessica is considering getting a new pet and decided to look into getting a little baby piglet. Of course, this fulfills PETA's standard "Animal + Celebrity" quota, so now they're getting all pissy because how dare she have a pig as a pet! How DARE she!

"I'm thinking about getting a pet pig," Simpson, 28, Tweeted. "Does this mean I'll have to give up pork?"

Update: PETA wasn't amused by Simpson's Tweet. A rep for the animal-rights group tells UsMagazine.com exclusively: "Pigs, who are smarter than dogs and every bit as sensitive to pain and stress, don't belong in Jessica's stomach or carted around as her latest accessory." (Source)

Ugh, God, really? Shut the eff up, PETA. I love animals as much as the next guy here, but everytime PETA opens its big stupid mouth all I want to do is go out and club myself a baby seal jacket, then go out and eat foie gras and veal just to piss them off. Honestly, at this point you could probably attribute about 95% of all cases of animal cruelty to people just wanting to get back at stupid PETA.

Miley Cyrus was out in Santa Monica over the weekend with her adorable puppy wearing some ripped up shirt with her unmentionables sticking out for Jesus and everyone to see. I don't want to get up on my old soapbox of how when I was Miley's age, my mom would never let me out of the house dressed like that and call me a hooker ... But let's face it. My mom would still call me a hooker if she saw me wearing an outfit like that. Only now she would just add in the part how I'm too old and it's just sad.

Crazy Tits (Yes, that's what I'm calling her now since I can no longer call her by her stupid stage name) is apparently doing all she can to raise her insanity level up a few notches, because now she's claiming that not only is she still fake pregnant after that fake miscarriage she had, but she's also getting fake married to her fake baby daddy and fake adopting a fake child from fake Russia...Fake.

It was all done by Twitter in the last two days, of course, as Tila is now returning from Australia. This weekend she Twittered:

YES IM STILL PREGNANT! YES I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY THE FATHER OF MY CHILD! YES I AM STILL TRYING TO ADOPT A BABY FROM RUSSIA! THERE! (Source)

You know, when she puts it like that it sounds completely believable. I mean really, an all caps tweet? Call me convinced! I also believe that Obama's death panels will kill us all, that JFK faked the moon landings and that no one is baseball has ever taken steroids. What can I say? She just strikes me as an honest per-BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, couldn't make it through that with a straight face...Nah, the bitch is still a sociopathic whore. Shocker.

Do the Oscars Matter? Well, here's a piece about why they are! (Pajiba)

Don't know who Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is? Me neither, but here she is in a bikini!(Yeeeah!)

Even Jessica Simpson's best gay friend is not immune to the power of her bazoongas. (The Blemish)

Jennifer Love Hewitt continues her "Oh God Wow Is This Ever Sad" Tour '10 with...This. (Seriously? OMG!)

Behold, the most "WTF?" moments of the Olympics, and of course it all revolves around ice skating. (Celebitchy)

Hayden Pannelongfuckingname got her some big ol' silicone funsacks. (Celebslam)

Padma Lakshmi, the hottest thing to come to porn since Robert Irvine, had her baby! (HollyWire)

Remember that guy who played Boner in "Growing Pains?" Yeah, he went missing. (CelebSmack)

Here's Avril Lavigne filming a crappy video for her upcoming crappy song. (usemycomputer)

Wanna see Tila Tequila butcher Madonna's Like A Virgin? No you don't, but at least you can laugh at her stupid ass. (Allie Is Wired)

Oh God, would someone PLEASE get Lindsay Lohan to a freaking nunnery already? (Evil Beet)

I really have no way to preface this post about Amanda Seyfried getting kissed by a dog, other than to say "SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!" Seriously, look how cute that is! Okay, so I don't really have anything funny to say about this, soooo...I dunno, how about this: "Knock-Knock," "Who's there?" "Amanda Seyfried getting puppy kisses," "Amanda Seyfried getting puppy kisses who?" "Seriously, if this does nothing for you, then you have no goddamn soul." (H/T to TMZ)

It was Rihanna's birthday this weekend, so of course she celebrated it the way everyone does: By getting a lap dance from Bridget the Midget. To be honest, I think Bridget is adorable and all, but the girl needs to work on her lap dancing skills. I mean I know she has a bit of a setback here, but you know, a booty shake, maybe a little titty jiggle for good measure. All I'm saying is, you gotta throw your curves out there for all to see.

...And by "Chakras", I mean those gigantic, silicone sweater-melons she has stapled to her chest. Call me crazy, but I somehow doubt that Heidi can really understand the purpose of Chakras since the bitch probably couldn't even walk and chew at the same time without either breaking both her ankles or choking. Seriously, right now I'm pretty sure Ganesha is throwing a pretty epic bitch fit over this kinda fuckery.

Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish, a.k.a. the guy who cheated on Reese Witherspoon and his mistress, have officially hit the splits after Abbie got tired of hearing about Ryan cheating on her. No way, really? Ryan, the cheating cheater who cheats, cheated on her? Give me a moment, I need to fish my monocle out of my glass of champagne.

"Abbie ended the relationship with Ryan and she moved out of their home," the rep tells PEOPLE. On Sunday, the actress was spotted removing her belongings from the house she shared with Phillippe while he visited a friend with children Ava and Deacon.

The split follows months of tabloid speculation that Phillippe has been unfaithful to Cornish - regularly hitting the nightclubs and being linked to other women. When asked about the cause of the break-up and whether Phillippe cheated on Cornish, her rep replied, "No comment." (Source)

Well I for one a just shocked. SHOCKED I SAY! ...Well, not really. I use to play cards with my brothers, and of course, they cheated all the friggin' time. Did I sit around and do nothing? Hell naw. Granted, most of our arguments were settled by drinking way too much and going after each other with broken beer bottles...All I'm saying is, nothing ends cheating quicker than an Irish Shiv.

Lisa Rinna, who has herself appeared in Playboy and has had more cosmetic reconstruction than a flipped house that some old lady died in, is calling out Heidi Montag saying that she's a bad influence on her daughters. Goddammit. You know it really ruins my day when I'm put in the position of defending Heidi Montag.

"I will tell you, I had to take that cover off the magazine before it came in the house," Rinna, 46, tells Fancast.com of People magazine, which touted Montag's surgery on its cover. "We have two girls. I don't think it is something you want to bring in the house and say, 'Oh, look.'"

Continues Rinna, who is married to Harry Hamlin (their show, Harry Loves Lisa, premieres in October), "I take a lot of the covers off of magazines if they are not appropriate. Obviously, we are raising two young girls. Anything that has to do with weight issues, I think you just have to be really careful." (Source)

So this is about weight issues and not the fact that Heidi got two buoys strapped to her chest and her face no longer resembles anything found in nature? Not that that statement couldn't likewise be used to describe Lisa Rinna herself, mind you. But still, this coming from the woman who was literally ordered to lay off the gym before her Playboy shoot so she appeared "softer." I would be surprised if Lisa Rinna's daughters didn't start out binging their baby formula.

I totally missed out on this yesterday, but here's a list of the Best Female Action Heroes. (Pajiba)

I have to admit to a gigantic crush on Channing Tatum, even if he does make awful movies. But come on, he used to be a stripper! (Yeeeah!)

You know, even though his band broke up, it's nice to know that Lia Gallagher is still a gigantic asshole. (The Blemish)

Oh holy crap, Shiloh Pitt-Jolie in a little Monkey cap is the most adorable thing EVER. (Seriously? OMG!)

Did you know Johnny Weir is so fierce, he actually has smaller fierce gay men circling around him? True story. (Celebitchy)

Pamela Anderson peddling Eau de Skank at Sears? HAHAHA! It's funny because she sucks. (Celebslam)

So Heidi Montag tried her hand at writing a poem for Spencer Pratt again, and *Spoiler Alert* she tries to rhyme "Valentine's Day" with "everyday." (HollyWire)

So the nominees for The Kids Choice Awards are out and...well, you might want to pray for our future. (CelebSmack)

Here's Penelope Cruz at the Goya Film Awards. (usemycomputer)

Only two more months until Glee is back on the air? Goddammit, that is to friggin' long! (popbytes)

So as it turns out, it might have been Kim Basinger who tipped off the paparazzi about Alec Baldwin's overdose, and to be honest, I kinda dig her for it. (Evil Beet)

Seriously, when the hell did 2010 become 2001? I mean, yeah, if you switch around the last two numbers I guess...But whatever. Apparently, sometime in the past couple months Britney Spears must have got her little orange Cheetos-Powdered hands on a time machine because she now currently looks damn near identical to what she looked like almost a decade ago. Mind you, considering that in 2001 wearing a full denim dress was considered completely normal and that Shaggy was one of the highest selling artists, this isn't exactly a good thing.

Now, I'm gayer than Christmas, we all know it, and I even have video proof that you can purchase for $29.99 at finer adult entertainment boutiques. That being said, remember those old timey cartoons where a hot, voluptuous women would walk by some schmuck, and the poor guy's eyes would pop out of his head with an "AROOOOOOOOGA"? Well, that's what Christina Hendricks does for me. I mean my GOD, I just want to go spelunking face first in those things shake my head and make little "bibbledybibbledybibbledybibbledy" sounds. I mean how could you not? Christina Hendricks' boobs are like irrefutable proof that God and Buddha and Jesus and Moses and Shiva all exist, and they all love humanity and they all want us to bask in the glory of her breasteses.

Here's more of Holy Hooters in a sheer top that will make you go "AROOOOOOOOGA!":

This is madness! In the face of controversy with Italian-American groups, Snooki and JWoww of "Jersey Shore" have finally admitted that they're not even really Italian. Next thing you're going to tell me is Spencer Pratt isn't really straight and Kurt Loder's hair isn't still naturally brown.

J-Woww says she's Spanish and Irish, while Snooki, 21, is Chilean.

The MTV reality show was slammed by Italian-American groups for perpetuating "negative stereotypes," UNICO National President Andre DiMino told Fox last year.

"If you replace Italian-Americans with any other ethnic group, would they use such a pejorative term to promote the show?" he fumed. (Source)

This is a good point, regardless of whatever ethnicity the people on the show happen to be. If "The Hills" promoted their show with a ethnic phrase like "Rich White Assholes," then you know Rich White Asshole groups would be coming out of the woodwork crying foul. Like that minority isn't victimized enough, according to the good people over at Fox News.

From the people who thought naming the Apple tablet the "iPad" comes the Lady Gaga Tampon dress! Seriously, she looks I can find her in the same aisle as a box of Maxi Pads and Summer's Eve Douche. On the plus side, not only does it come with an easy applicator, but if there's ever a massive flood in the building and all the doors are locked, Lady Gaga is now 50% more absorbent than the leading brand!

And just because I can, her actual performance at The Brit Awards yesterday after the jump:

Here's the trailer for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which means you now have to read the book before the movie comes out. (Pajiba)

I'm not sure why, but seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt alone on Valentine's Day in a big, frumpy heart sweater ordering take-out tacos just makes me a sad panda. (Yeeeah!)

As much as I love Oprah, the poor woman needs to stay as far away as humanely possible from sports. (The Blemish)

Ben Madden and Nicole Richie are finally engaged after having two children. (Seriously? OMG!)

So Family Guy made fun of Sarah Palin, and Sarah Palin shot back on Facebook, and the current state of political discourse sinks ever further. (Celebitchy)

Ew, gag. Here's another of the "sexy" Snooki pics and it's kinda NSF your lunch. (BricksandStones)

Avatar + Twilight = Oh the hell with it, I give up on humanity. I don't care anymore. (Agent Bedhead)

Actually, no, this makes me give up on humanity: Here's Garfield's slutty cat girlfriend. (POTP)

Oh, and how's this for a bile chaser: Here's Paris Hilton in a bikini on vacation. There is no God. (Evil Beet)

So you might remember that in his Playboy interview, somewhere in between calling Jessica Simpson sexual napalm and saying that his pee-pee was a Klan member, John "KKKock" Mayer said that his dream job was to write porn, mostly because it's on his basic intelligence level. Well, Vivid Entertainment, never one to pass up the opportunity to jump on the D-List celebrity of the week, has made John an offer to come write for them. Hoo-F*cking-Ray.

According to TMZ.com, Vivid sent the bluesy guitarist a letter asking him if he wants to write and direct one of its upcoming nudie flicks.

Vivid believes Mayer has the right credentials because, in their words, his talents have "touched so many." (Source)

Seriously, I'm really starting to think that about half of Vivid's profits must come from the publicity they get whenever they ask some washed-up celebutard to make porn. In fact, in the time it takes to read this sentence, Vivid Entertainment will have already asked The Olsen Twins, one of Tiger Woods' whores and that Ke$ha bitch to do sex tapes. The more you know.

Now that Jersey Shore (a.k.a. THE GREATEST SHOW EVER!!!) has finished up on season one, unaired footage is making its way onto the blagosphere, including a bit where Ronnie (who, as I take it, is the roid-rager banging the one named Sammi) gets into a fight and calls someone a "faggot" and a "queer". To be honest, I really don't see this as homophobic. It's not like when you get into a drunken fist fight, you carefully map out your argument, throw on your monocle and top hat and partake in some fisticuffs. Hell, my brothers call each other "fag" all the time, you don't hear me bitchin'. Besides, we all all know the definition of "fag" or "faggot" was changed to "Inconsiderate Harley riders who ruin everyone's good times."

Christina Hendricks and her laws of space and time-defying figure are featured on this month's cover of New York Magazine, and -- if I may say so -- goddamn. If I even had the tiniest chance of getting a figure like hers, I'd fill a bucket up with pints of Ben and Jerry's with an entire package of "Chips Ahoy!" crumbled on top and just go to town like nobody's business. But unfortunately, I'm a mere five-foot-two and I don't do "hourglass" so much as "snowglobe." Stupid genetics.

Paris Hilton got capital "W" wasted in Rio De Janeiro over the weekend to promote the launch of Devassa beer at Carnival, which is apparently some kind of pre-Lent festival thingie. Seriously, I'm so lost when it comes to this Catholic stuff. One time, I even told a coworker on Ash Wednesday years back -- without a hint of sarcasm or irony -- that she had some schmutz on her forehead. That's how serious I am. At any rate, I do know what Lent is, so I'm wondering what Paris is planning to give up for Lent that warranted her making a giant assy spectacle of herself by drunkenly crawling around on all fours in front of a large crowd of Brazilians. My guess would be either Valtrex or pink, sparkly shit covered in rhinestones.

So after that whole "I dented my head!" bit over the weekend, Tila Tequila is now saying that she might have had a miscarriage. Now, miscarriages are always sad, but they're even sadder when you're actually pregnant to begin with. I'd also like to take the time to congratulate reader Jadine for totally calling this one a while back. Props honey.

According to TMZ, the model posted the following on her new Twitter account: "I just woke up in the middle of the night cuz im having these intense sharp pains in my belly (sic)."

"Something is definitely wrong. The hospital gave me a list of symptoms & this is one of them," Tequila continued.

Minutes afterward, the socialite posted several messages threatening suicide if her suspicions were correct. "I told my friend I would just kill myself if anything ever happened," she claimed. (Source)

I know I've been saying this for just about ever at this point, but Tila Tequila really is the absolute worst human being ever. Seriously, assuming that everything that comes out of her batsh*t-insane mouth is actually true...Well, personally, I'd much rather be dead then have to be raised by a woman who fakes miscarriages, bisexuality and mourning to get attention. I'm not saying Tila Tequila should kill herself or anything, I'm just saying it wouldn't be the worst idea she's ever had.

Yeah, so The Brittany Murphy Charity set up by Simon Monjack and her mother to benefit arts education for Children? Yeah, as it turns out, they never actually applied to become an actual charity with the IRS and the state of California. So it's not so much a charity as it is a way of using Brittany Murphy to scam you out of your goddamn money.

The California Secretary of State's office told TMZ there are no records for The Brittany Murphy Foundation. The state Attorney General's office also has no record of the organization as a nonprofit group -- and the IRS says the foundation has not filed for a non-profit license.

[...] On Friday afternoon, the Brittany Murphy foundation website did not have any such disclosure. The site was taken "down for maintenance" one hour after TMZ called the foundation for comment. (Source)

The "Foundation" returned all donations given with a fake-ass apology you can read here. Say what you will about TMZ, but damn it all if they didn't seriously catch this one in time. Normally, this is where we squeeze in one last joke about whatever the hell we just wrote about, but I can't really do that, mostly because there really isn't anything funny about setting up a fake charity for kids by exploiting your loved one's memory so that you can scam people out of their money.

Kevin Smith is apparently so fat that Southwest Airlines threw him off a flight for apparently being too damn chunky for the skies. Which strikes me as kinda odd, considering that he really isn't all that obese, but to be fair, I also think nail-clippers are harmless and that flagging people for having a "personal rectal sanitizer" is completely freaking ridonkadonk. But I guess that's why I don't work for Southwest now, is it?

"I'm way fat... But I'm not THERE just yet," he continued. "But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I'm seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who'd already I.d.ed me as 'Silent Bob.'"

"The @SouthwestAir Diet. How it works: you're publicly shamed into a slimmer figure. Crying the weight right off has never been easier!" he continued. "Hey @SouthwestAir! I've landed in Burbank. Don't worry: wall of the plane was opened & I was airlifted out while Richard Simmons supervised." (Source)

I mean for fark's sake here, the guy isn't exactly petite, but you'd need some serious cojones to kick him off a plane when almost a quarter of Americans are obese. It's not like the guy has to ride around on a scooter with a KFC Famous Bowl while his fat folds jiggle about. On the plus side, he can take solace in the fact that no matter how embarrassing this is, it still won't be nearly as embarrassing as Cop Out.

To celebrate Valentine's Day, Kendra Wilkinson put together a top ten list of reasons on her blog of why she loves her husband Hank Baskett. In related news, Kendra Wilkinson can count to 10! Go Kendra!

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Hank!

1. He wakes up every morning with a smile on his face, no matter what happened the day before.
2. He's spontaneous...if we are just layin on the couch bored, he'll just turn on some music and ask me to dance!
3. He is what I can call a REAL man: he's the protector, lover, father, husband and he lives up to the word MAN.
4. His heart is golden, he cares more for others than himself.
5. He's loyal... never turns his back on what he loves.
6. He's sooooo funny!! He makes funny faces and doesn't take life so seriously.
7. He's a true gentleman! Opens doors for me, buys flowers for me once a week and makes sure I'm always happy
8. He's a HUGE romantic... guys are scared of being romantic but not Hank!
9. He's a very positive thinker... always turns bad into good
10. HE'S SOOOO FREAKIN HOT!!! LOL

This is cute. Very, very cute. Yes? Only she left out the part about how she loves him because she doesn't have to chew up his creamed corn for him and then feed it to him like a baby bird. Seriously, sometimes all it takes is a shitty ex to really make you appreciate a person.

Tila Tequila was rushed to the hospital last night because she "dented" her head. You know, I would be perfectly fine with that one sentence of comedic brilliance covering the story, but here's more from Us Weekly:

The reality star, who claims to be pregnant, wrote on Twitter, "I slammed my head into the wall and heard the back of my skull crack. There's a dent in it now!"

She then compared herself to Natasha Richardson, who died last March from a brain hemorrhage after falling while skiing.

"I should call the ambulance just in case? like that one actress that died cuz she hit her head & thought she was ok but died later..pray 4 me," she wrote. A few minutes later: "Ambulance on the way to my house. I could have a brain concussion and die in a few hours." (Source)

I knew Tila Tequila wasn't really going to die, because if Tila Tequila was going to die from denting her head I would assume that it would naturally have to happen on Christmas and not Valentine's Day. Oh, but please Santa! We've been so good this year!

* LOL

Here's a guide on how to break up with your significant other over Valentine's Day. Because f*ck you, Valentine's. (Pajiba)

Nu-uh, no. Kelly Clarkson is many things, but fat? Oh no you di'int. (Yeeeah!)

Apparently, Julia Roberts earns more in one second than you do in an entire week. WHAT. THE. EFF. (The Blemish)

What? Oh goddammit Suri Cruise, stop being all adorable and stuff! (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh God, why are people still going on about how great Roman Polanski is? HE DRUGGED AND RAPED A CHILD. (Celebitchy)

you know you're boned when people would rather hang out with the cast of Jersey Shore instead of you. Isn't that right, Lindsay Lohan? (Celebslam)

Wanted to learn more about the kinda short but ridiculously good looking guy Snooki's banging? Here you go. (HollyWire)

Need irrefutable proof that Tila Tequila isn't preggers? I mean, aside from the fact that she is crazy as a sh*t-house rat. (CelebSmack)

Here's Jessica Biel at the premiere of "Valentine's Day". (usemycomputer)

One of the sluts Tiger Woods banged is working at "Extra" now. (Celeb Jihad)

It's official: It's time to launch Amy Adams Baby Bump Watch '10! (Allie Is Wired)

Oh God, Katy Perry is preggers too? We're gonna be inundated in celebrity babies soon, I can feel it. (Evil Beet)

Normally, I think Vogue is kind of a useless magazine, mostly because I couldn't give two shits about fashion (except for Tom Ford. What can I say? The man is grade-a hunky.) However, Tina Fey is on the cover this week, and since I have a big ol' girl crush on TIna Fey, I'm temporarily lifting my apathy toward Vogue. Here's one of the better quotes from Tina:

People will say, 'Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they're giving girls a negative message'--but we're also the fattest country in the world, so it's not like we're all looking at fashion magazines and not eating. Maybe it just starts a shame cycle: I'm never going to look like that model, so... Chicken McNuggets it is! And conversely, I don't look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and giant feet. (Source)

To be honest, I totally agree with her on the skinny thing; Who the frak wants to look like a human xylophone? That being said, as someone who made (and consumed, no less) the McNuggetini, all I can say is that the shame comes after the McNugget. Morbid curiosity comes before, then shame and self-loathing comes after.

What in the hell is this? Seriously, I know this is supposed to be an Armani Underwear commercial starring Megan Fox, but I'm a little confused because the underwear in question is onscreen for about four collective seconds. Seriously, let me recap the commercial for you here: Bring out the wind machine. Shot of Megan's face. Another shot of Megan's face. Quickly pan up Megan's body. Do it again. Then: Megan's face, Megan's face, Megan's face. *Slow Clap*

So now that everyone knows that John "KKKock" Mayer is completely and totally crazypants, Perez Hilton is jumping on the bandwagon and milking it for all it's worth. He went on Power 106 to talk about John Mayer where he revealed, among other things, that John Mayer once went down on a guy and that he happens to be a fan of gay porn star Brent Corrigan. Mind you, this is Perez Hilton, so this news pretty much ranks anywhere between "Outright Bullshit" and "A Bold-Faced Lie", so I'm chalking this up to Perez Hilton wanting to get in Brent Corrigan's tiny, tiny pants.

Yeah, so remember how Lindsay Lohan was going to be the featured guest at the Vienna Opera Ball and that she was going to be paid massive amounts of cash for it? Well that's not happening anymore because she missed her private jet by two hours because she was too busy shopping at the airport. NO, REALLY.

But Lohan was two hours late to board her private plane - after she became distracted by a shopping spree in the Los Angeles airport.

Lugner claims the British Airways staff stalled take-off for Lohan but after finally arriving, she couldn't afford the $22,000 (£13,750) charge for the delay.

The 77-year-old tycoon explains, "She wanted to pay but didn't have that much available so got off the plane." (Source)

At this point, I think we all know Lindsay Lohan has the sense of responsibility of a two-year-old with a meth addiction. The only thing that surprises me at this point is that she got caught up shopping at an airport mall. Seriously, is the allure of souvenir shirts and cheap-ass stuffed animals that powerful over her? Her story would be much more believable if she just ended up passing out in the bathroom after freebasing off a toilet seat.

Alexander McQueen took his own life this morning. Our condolences to his friends and families. (Yeeeah!)

And Alec Baldwin may have tried to kill himself following an argument with his daughter. This is a sad day. (The Blemish)

Okay, kinda random, but Ashton Kutcher and Rainbow Killer are playing professional killers in a new movie. Ummmmm...what? (Pajiba)

And now, a propos of nothing, here's the trailer for a movie called (and I swear to God, this is true,) Scream of the Bikini. Good job, Hollywood. (Seriously? OMG!)

So you know who turned out to be kind of a total bitch? Bar Refaeli. (Celebitchy)

Here's Taylor Swift in a skimpy bathing suit, and by "skimpy", I mean she looks like an Amish woman. (Celeb Jihad)

Gosh, Hugh Hefner is single? Be still my beating gag reflex. (BricksandStones)

I'm still not sure who Katie Price is, all I know is I want her dead in the most drawn out and painful fashion imaginable. (Agent Bedhead)

Alright, fun fact: I'm only one year and six days older than Taylor Lautner and I still felt weird that I found him attractive, but now it's okay because he's legal. *Phew* (POTP)

Oh isn't this nice, Kate Hudson found another man to completely ruin with her vagina. Seriously, I'm pretty sure the woman is cursed. (Evil Beet)

I have to admit that I kinda love Amanda Bynes, mostly because she's cute and funny and she kinda reminds me of one of my best friends. Anyway, Amanda took to Twitter to profess her love for black men, which inspired some sort of faux-controversy because oh my God, interracial relationships? EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

"it's amaziing how good it feels when someone knows how to love your body! I am having withdrawals from a certain guy lol :)" she tweeted last week. "So turns out i prefer chocolate over vanilla. interesting."

Some people took offense at her racial preference, and she took to Twitter once again on Wednesday to defend it. (Source)

To be honest with you, I can't really see how something like this is offensive. Seriously, black men are just hot, pure and simple. Case in point, there's Diesel Washington and Race Cooper and...ahem, sorry about that. Had a moment there. Point is, shut up your face and quit bitchin' about a girl liking black guys.

Here's more of Amanda in Maxim:

What is this fuckery? Did Lady Gaga wake up in the morning and think "Hmmmmmm, today I want to look like a slutty wedding cake?" She looks like she took styling tips from the cover of A Million Little Pieces or something. All I know is that I suddenly have the strongest urge ever to cover myself in buttercream frosting and roll around in a kiddie-pool full of jimmies. Seriously, I love her, but her va-jay-jay probably looks like a cupcake from The Magnolia Bakery.

Here's more of Lady CakeCake and Cyndi Lauper at the AMFAR Gala:

In my haste to report on John Mayer dishing about his sex life with Jessica Simpson to Playboy yesterday, I neglected to get into the grossly racist things he said, including basically generalizing the entire African American race, flagrantly using the "N" word, and that his "dick was a white supremacist." You know, all in a day's work for John Mayer. Suffice to say, the rest of the world didn't let Johnny boy off so easily, and now everyone thinks that he's a giant asshole -- even people who didn't think so before.

So last night, at a concert in Nashville, John Mayer got all emotional up in this bitch and apologized to his bandmates and the "people he loves" for his attempts at what he considers "trying to be clever." Come on, he only compared his penis to the former leader of the Klu Klux Klan. How could anyone have predicted that would go wrong? Of course, being that this is John Mayer we're talking about, even his apology is incredibly long-winded and douchebaggy -- clocking in at an impressive three and a half minutes -- but at the end he vows to quit the "soundbite and media" game. Of course, he must have meant after this apology though, since it's currently being soundbited all over the internet. Stupid John Mayer. He can't even quit the media without making a big assy media spectacle of himself.

So Kendra Wilkinson is on the cover of OK! Magazine this month with her son Hank Baskett Jr. to show off her post-baby body, and ummmm ... Her boobs are bigger than her own son. And holy Christ did she ever lose that weight quickly! Seriously, the woman looks like she's missing some pretty crucial internal organs. But as we all know, Kendra Wilkinson doesn't so much eat as she does absorb water, sunlight and carbon dioxide while excreting adorableness. Yes, Kendra Wilkinson photosynthesizes. This really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

Is Tracy Morgan the next Will Ferrell? Seriously, like you even need to ask. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan's lips are real? Yeah, and I'm sober right now. (Yeeeah!)

Jpn Gosselin is broke, so he's suddenly not opposed anymore to having his children filmed for television. (Evil Beet)

And in other fake celebrity body parts news, Michael Jackson's entire face was apparently drawn on in effing crayon. (The Blemish)

And now in REAL celebrity body parts news, HOLY CRAP Sade has not aged in, like, 25 years. (Celebitchy)

Sarah Jessica Parker will cut a bitch if they don't use her full name. (Seriously? OMG!)

Carrie Prejean is getting opposite marriage. Hey, good for her. Enjoy the rights you're depriving from others, ya friggin' wench. (Celebslam)

Ever wanted to watch the cast of Jersey Shore drop through trap doors while answering trivia questions on The Ellen Degeneres Show? Well here you go. (HollyWire)

And now for something completely different, here's Rihanna riding a mechanical bull to the tune of Kings of Leon's "Sex On Fire." (CelebSmack)

Here's Jessica Biel at the premiere of Valentine's Day. (usemycomputer)

Nice to see that Star Magazine continues to be the epitome of pure class. (popbytes)

I honest to God hate Justin Bieber, which is why this makes me laugh. (Celeb Jihad)

I honestly don't now what part of this video I love more: The fact that Channing Tatum shows off some of his sexxeh stripper moves on The Ellen Degeneres Show, or the fact the entire audience simultaneously had an orgasm at the 0:12 mark in the video. Although I am a tad disappointed that out of everyone he could have given a lap dance too, he gives it to Ellen. Seriously? What a waste. Oh well, if his abs are good enough to knock Avatar off the #1 box office position, there's really no telling what other mysterious powers they have. And in case you're wondering, his experiences? Disturbingly accurate.

If any of you ever had doubts about Jennifer Garner's hotness, ponder no more, because Jennifer Garner is now officially so hot, other species want to make the nasty with her. While researching for a role on "Fantasy Island" (Really?!?!) she took a swim with a dolphin and one thing lead to another and now according to The Catholic Church, they have to get married. For those of you wondering if that's legal, the dolphin was a male, which makes it a-okay! Anyway, watch the video and hear it from her how she got into inter-species boink-boink.

So Topher Grace was promoting his soon-to-be-totally-sucky movie Valentine's Day on George Lopez's late-night talk show* and Topher took time to talk about how he once got high off a breath strip with Ashton Kutcher. To be honest, despite looking like a bit of a tool, Topher actually seems pretty charming, but the fact that he rarely if ever gets drunk or high makes me uneasy about him. Seriously, if you're not willing to get high and make instant chocolate pudding mixed with Fluffer Nutter, you are dead to me. Dead! Dead like Lincoln!

* I can't believe they gave him one either.

John Mayer gave an interview in the March issue of Playboy, in which he discusses everything from his masturbation habits, Jennifer Aniston, and why "black people love him." (He really says that, you can read the whole thing here.) But the best soundbite that he'll act totally incredulous that the media is making a huge deal over, is when he dishes about his sex life with Jessica Simpson. Because the guy is a gentleman like that.

PLAYBOY: In 2006 you began dating Jessica Simpson, and the paparazzi started stalking you, turning you into a tabloid fixture. Certainly you knew that was going to happen.

MAYER: It wasn't as direct as me saying "I now make the choice to bring the paparazzi into my life." I really said, "I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson." That was stronger than my desire to stay out of the paparazzi's eye. That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

PLAYBOY: You were addicted to Jessica Simpson?

MAYER: Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. (Source)

I usually feel bad for Jessica Simpson when anybody else but me is picking on her, and at face value this does sound pretty embarrassing. But when you put into context that John Mayer has probably literally slept with thousands of women, many of them being "ladies of the night" who are highly trained in the art of banging dudes, you gotta admit that's pretty impressive. She may not go down in history as an amazing singer or songwriter or actress -- but she will go down as "the girl who almost ruined John Mayer's dick for other women." Not bad, Jessica Simpson. Not bad.

It's almost Valentine's Day, which means my level of hatred for everyone and everything has increased exponentially right now. So you can imagine how I feel about the news that Paris Hilton might be engaged to her dick-of-the-week, who's name I will never bother remembering because he's schtupping Paris Hilton.

During her speech at the Hearts for Hope benefit in Los Angeles, she said: "I'd like to thank my future sister-in-law Casey Reinhardt." [...]

Paris, 28, has made no secret of the fact she wants to get married this year. Speaking about Doug, she said last month: "I wouldn't rule out a wedding in 2010. With how amazing everything is going between us, I see a very bright and happy future. (Source)

I for one really do hope that they get married; mind you, it's for entirely selfish reasons. Mainly, I just want to see them when they inevitably get divorced four months later, constantly take potshots at each other in the media and spend all their money they have on divorce lawyers until they eventually have to live out on the streets. Happy freaking Valentine's Day, you jags.

Oooooo boy, Bradley Cooper showed up on the red carpet of Valentine's Day with a half-tanned face. Yikes. (Evil Beet)

Kevin Smith is asking fans to help fund his movie, Red State. If this were anyone else, I'd be calling bullshit -- but still, Kevin Smith! (Pajiba)

A-Rod and Cameron Diaz are doing it now, and YIKES do they ever look alike. Just ... GAH. (Yeeeah!)

Courtney Cox (who is so far the only "Friends" star to nit run their career into the ground) is planning on adopting from Haiti. (The Blemish)

Here's a look at yet another show about how fat Kirstie Alley is. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh joy, Kate Gosselin has yet another book out because of freaking course she does. (Celebitchy)

The cast of "The Hills" was at LAX, and sadly, none of them were shot and killed by airport security for being a cast member on "The Hills." (BricksandStones)

Tom Cruise may be kind of a total tool, but Suri Cruise is still adorable! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh look, Blake Lively is in a bikini. Again. Yay? (POTP)

So the first images from the new season of Celebrity Fit Club are out, and K-Fed is lookin' sex-ay! And by sexy, I mean MAN THE HARPOOOOOONS! Okay, in all honesty he doesn't look that bad; It's not like he's one of those guys who has to ride around on a scooter or wash himself with a wet rag on a stick, but still, this is K-Fed we're talking about. Whoever decided that it would be a good idea to parade him around in a pair of military boxer-briefs needs to be fired. Out of a cannon. Into the sun.

Levi Johnston's Playgirl is finally coming out February 22nd, and here's a preview of the cover. Although I can't see how this is news, considering that photos of the shoot were leaked nearly three whole months ago. And he's still not naked, therefore we still don't care. If I wanted to see almost naked 19-year-old boys, I'd go watch the U Penn swim team practice. Or I would anyway, until they closed practices off to the public. For some reason apparently they don't like it when you bring a camera.

On the list of people who should really not judge a karaoke contest full of teenagers, right above Roman Polanski, is Howard Stern. But obviously, I'm not a FOX executive, because Howard Stern is actually seriously being considered as a replacement for Simon Cowell because FOX executives are stupidheads who wouldn't know a good idea if it sprayed them in the face with lighter fluid...*cough*ArrestedDevelopment*cough*

"They'd have to pay me a ton of dough because I already make a ton of dough," Stern said on Monday. That wasn't all he said, though it was probably the least offensive thing that came out of his mouth...

[...] Howard proved just how nasty he could be on the air Monday, claiming he would "tase" Ellen DeGeneres if she does that "dumb dance" she does on her show, and "smack Randy Jackson's belly every time he opens his dopey mouth." (Source)

To be honest with you, I've never found Howard Stern to be so much offensive as he was just, well, kinda boring. Let's face it, everything he did, George Carlin already did. The only difference is that George Carlin is actually funny, whereas Howard Stern just looks like Carrot Top with a bad dye job. Hell, you might as well just dig up the corpse of George Carlin and sit him where Howard Stern would have; at least he'd be more lively than him.

Despite rumors that she might get her very own MTV "Bachelor"-type dating show, "Jersey Shore's" Snooki has stepped out with a new boyfriend, Emilio Antonio, seen together (above) at LaGuardia Airport last night. Wait, seriously? Emilio Antonio? Is that really a real name?

"He's actually a body builder and works at the gym," she said. "I am really excited to like show the public who he is.

"He is freaking banging. We're the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that." (Source)

Snooki's new boyfriend looks kind of like Jensen Ackles from "Supernatural," if Jensen Ackles was covered in spray tan and Ed Hardy and stood less than five feet tall. Seriously that guy is barely taller than Snooki and Snooki herself is only about three garlic knots high (three and a half in heels). It just goes to show, there's someone out there for everyone. Together, these two look like a (relatively) normal couple whereas apart they just look like refugee wee people from the Island of Calzonia.

Hey Justin Timberlake, know how I know you're gay? Because you're dressed in drag and getting kissed by other people in drag. Actually, he's accepting his Hasty Pudding Pot Man of the Year award, but still, the man is in drag more often than Bugs Bunny. Seriously, Justin looks just a little too comfortable in a dress for a straight man. Hold fast to your hopes there, fellow gays. Also, really Harvard? You're giving an acting award to Justin Timberlake? He didn't even do any actual acting last year. What the eff?

Here are the best Super Bowl commercials from last night. Also, the Google one was kinda totally adorable. (Pajiba)

Bad: Jennifer Aniston might have hired a prostitute. Worse: The prostitute was Gerard Butler. No, really. (Yeeeah!)

In Megan Fox's Super Bowl Commercial last night, she actually used a stand-in hand model because her thumbs were too weird. Once again: No, really. (The Blemish)

Oh. My. GOD. Alyson Hannigan officially has the most adorable baby EVER. (Seriously? OMG!)

Donatella Versace apparently doesn't know what her natural colour is. Whether she's referring to hair, skin, eyes or whatever else is up for debate. (Celebitchy)

Apparently, LOVE Magazine decided the best way to hype their Spring/Summer line was by having the models wear absolutely no clothes whatsoever. Once again, REALLY. (Celebslam)

Ooooo! Fun fact: I was in NYC this weekend, and I went on the 30 Rock tour and totally saw them setting up for the SNL skit where Ashton Kutcher made fun of Access Hollywood! Yes, really. (HollyWire)

YIKES. Keira Knightley's stalker was arrested, with and added bonus of "Creepy Candid Shots" too boot on this article. (CelebSmack)

Here's Eliza Dushku at a Guess and Elle Event. (usemycomputer)

Snooki has a new man, and SURPRISE! He looks like a total douche. (Allie Is Wired)

Guess who's (not really) selling their baby?! (Celeb Jihad)

Taylor Swift, who stands at 5'11 and makes me feel tiny and inadequate enough as it is, has decided that she needs to start dating a tall guy, and make tall babies and just make everyone else in the world feel all short and stupid. Well thanks a whole effing lot there, Taylor Swift!

The Grammy winner tells OK!, "The bad thing about being tall is the majority of people are at a different eye level than you, and so you feel like you're looking down to talk to people, which is kind of unnatural - looking down to talk to people, and they have to look way up to talk to you.
 
"It just depends on what group of people you're around. If there are a few scattered tall people in the room or in the group of people that you're talking to, it's not awkward at all. But if you're around a bunch of little, mini-people and you're the only giant in the circle, it can be kind of interesting." (Source)

Seriously Taylor Swift, what the crap? You're already tall, why do you have to hog all the good tall people, huh? Save some for the rest of us here! It's not like you need a man around the house to get stuff of the top shelf. Have you seen your own arms? They're GIGANTIC. You look like what would happen if Mr. Fantastic and Elastigirl ever did the nasty in the pasty. What. The. Crap girl.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie attended the Superbowl last night with their son Maddox and were photographed having a good time together, which obviously means that they were blatantly denying split rumors because celebrities don't ever do anything that isn't carefully orchestrated for PR. Ever.

During the game, the couple were seen kissing, hugging and laughing together as they cheered on the Saints' dramatic victory which provided such an emotional moment for the city of New Orleans, devastated by Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

Their hugs and kisses follow weeks of speculation about their five-year relationship, with reports suggesting they have signed legal papers over their £200million fortune and custody of their six children. Jolie, 34, and Pitt, 46, will no doubt be hoping their public outing on the biggest night's of America's sporting calendar will quash speculation all is not well in their relationship. (Source)

Of course, despite that the two were seen genuinely seeming to enjoy each others company will only quell breakup rumors until ... Oh, about an hour from now. Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for blatantly unsubstantiated celebrity rumors, but at least make them interesting for chrissakes. Like that thing about Lady Gaga having a penis. Whichever gossip blogger came up with that one should win a goddamn Nobel Prize.

I have to admit a fascination with watching Beyonce perform live, mostly because the girl goes batshit insane whenever she's onstage. Seriously, if you could bottle that kinda crazy, you'd have a goddamn goldmine on your hands. Also fun: seeing her bust bass-ackwards onstage during her shows. HA! To be fair, I can't even do the shit she does in a pair of cheap-ass sneakers as it is, but still, watching her fall on her ass? Kills me. Kills me fucking dead.

Linday Lohan's love life (alliteration!) has apparently now been upgraded from "fucking ridiculous" to "get thee to a nunnery." Not only is she living in the same building as her ex, Samantha Ronson, but apparently they are beating the sweet living shit out of each other. Oh, and they both have keys to each others' apartments because of fucking course they do.

"One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head," the source told RadarOnline.com. "She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her.

"She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time."

Making things worse is the fact that both women live in the same building.

Following the break-in at her Hollywood Hills home, Lindsay moved into an apartment in West Hollywood. Shortly after, Samantha moved in. The source tells RadarOnline.com that Ronson regularly comes over using a key she has to Lindsay's apartment. (Source)

Remember how when you were younger, it used to be that the kid that hit you always secretly had a thing for you? Well, there's a reason people grow out of that: because when you're an adult and you and your significant other are kicking the ever loving bejeebus out of each other, that actually means that you two are fundamentally wrong for each other and need to stay as far away as humanely possible from each other, you crazy whores.

The Superbowl happened last night, and to be perfectly honest with you, I am the only person in my family who honestly couldn't give two shits about it. That being said, Betty White continued being awesome by appearing in a Super Bowl commercial for Snickers. Honestly, sometimes I see Betty White being all super totally awesome and I wish I was an old lesbian so that we could get gay married. And then I remember that I was an old lesbian, I'd probably look like Roger Ebert, and nothing is worth looking like Roger Ebert. Still, fuck me gently with a chainsaw if this woman isn't hardcore as shit.

Alrighty guys, Stacey and I are taking the day off tomorrow because Stacey's heading out for some Casino action and I'll be in NYC for my Birthday weekend, so see you guys on Monday!

OH. MY. GOD. Jon Stewart was on The O'Reilly Factor and it is just SO fucking awesome it's insane. (Pajiba)

So as it turns out, Lindsay Lohan might be a hoarder, but not the fun, crazy type on A&E, so there. (Yeeeah!)

Pamela Anderson might be on the next season of Dancing With The Stars, as the definition of "Stars" becomes ever more vague. (The Blemish)

Damn, does Pink ever look pretty! (Seriously? OMG!)

Gwyneth Paltrow and her pretentious GOOPey bullshit wants you to have a meat-free Monday. Right. (Celebitchy)

Anne Hathaway does not much care for the paparazzi apparently. HA! (BricksandStones)

Why hello AnnaLynne McCord's nipple, how are you today? (POTP)

Haha, Ke$ha totally got put in her stupid place on the red carpet at the Grammy's. (Evil Beet)

It's been all of three days since Tila Tequila deleted her Twitter account, and I'm sure those 72 hours without constant self-promotion must have been absolutely draining on her because SHOCKER! She's back on Twitter. Whoopee. Because the world desperately needs to hear the ramblings of a delusional Wishing Troll, right?

Dang... I guess I'm back! LOL Yes this is the real me dumbass....Look at my profile name! LOL

Whoa Twitter world feels so strange without all my followers. LOL HELLOOOOO! Is anyone here??? *Echoes*

Dont tell anyone I made a secret page ok?? Get the media & haters away from me! They like leeches! (Source)

Hmmmmm...Just a thought here, but if you didn't want the "media & haters" to get a hold of your Twitter page, perhaps naming it "TheRealTila" might not have been the best idea. Or plastering your image all over the fucking place. Or typing like a twelve-year-old girl beaten with the stupid stick. But then again, I never had my own fake-reality-dating show on MTV, so what do I know?

So Nick Jonas is taking part in the 'We Are The World' benefit song for Haiti (come on, haven't these people suffered enough?), and eventually, he got to the part about Lil Wayne covering Bob Dylan's part in the song. Long story short, he pretty much in no uncertain terms said that Bob Dylan can't sing. HA! Granted, Bob Dylan kinda sounds like he gargles with cement, but this is Nick Jonas we're talking about. The guy doesn't so much sing as he does spit out some sort of auto-tuned word salad while little girls around the world experience their first orgasm. At least Bob Dylan actually released some decent albums back in the day.

So remember back when Paris Hilton got robbed by that group of teenagers who were going around stealing from celebrities? Yeah, those were the good days. Well, as it turns out Paris didn't actually realize she was robbed for 2 entire fucking months after the fact.

Paris Hilton didn't notice she had been burgled for two months.

The socialite was targeted by the 'Bling Ring Gang' - a group of teenagers, who targeted the homes of the rich and famous - who stole her house keys from under her doormat outside her Los Angeles property but didn't realise until much later when the gang made a return raid, and making off with £1.2million worth of jewellery and valuables.

[The Robber, Nick Prugo] said: "Like, who would leave a door unlocked? Who would leave a lot of money lying around? Stupid." (Source)

HA! Wow, you know you're fucked when even the people who robbed your stupid ass are calling you out for having the IQ of a kumquat. To be fair though, doesn't everyone leave leave millions of dollars worth of jewelery lying around their house while the key to the front door is hidden in the most obvious place possible? Wait, they don't? And shit like that is fucking stupid? Huh, well I'll be damned.

Now that Snooki is a d-list celebrity, she's doing the whole "Personal Appearance" thing to cash in on some of that sweet, sweet fame. And for those in Chicago, she's appearing at Chicago's Medusa nightclub alongside pornstar/Margaret Cho crushee Ricky Sinz. How embarrassing. Can you getting booked to appear alongside Snooki? What happened Ricky Sinz? You used to be cool man. You used to be cool.

Come celebrate Medusa Saturdays 6 year Anniversary with Snookie from MTV's number one show "Jersey Shore".

Get for a crazy sexy night with Reality Stars, Strippers, Dancers and the hottest male body contest hosted by Snookie herself! She's "Snookin' for Love" will she find it at Medusa's? (Source)

Normally this is where we set up some sort of joke but..."Snookin' For Love"? Really? I think I just barfed a little bit in my mouth right now. No offense, but the idea of Snooki being intimate with anyone just grosses me out. She looks like what would happen if you gave an Oompa-Loompa a dye job, some Bumpits and a $50 gift card to Victoria's Secret. All I can say is, Ricky might want to invest in a bathtub full of penicillin.

Dustin and TK over at Pajiba take on the '(500) Days of Summer is misogynistic' bullshit. (Pajiba)

Another day, another way that Betty White proves how awesome she totally is. HA! I love her. (Evil Beet)

Oh thank GOD, it is so good to know that I'm not the only one who can sexualize Hugh Jackman when he's being a good father. (Yeeeah!)

Kellan Lutz from the shitty vampire movie that will not be named was in an underwear ad, and I'll be in my bunk. (The Blemish)

Remember how Pink sang naked and wet at the Grammy's? Well here comes the tie-in merchandise! (Seriously? OMG!)

Quick little thought here, but if you're 19th child is struggling for life after being born prematurely, that's usually a good sign to STOP HAVE CHILDREN, YOU AWFUL, AWFUL PEOPLE. (Celebitchy)

Today's "John Mayer is fucking everything" story is brought to you by Taylor Swift. Really, Taylor? For shame. (Celebslam)

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off the dress she wore to the Grammy's for charity, which I'm pretty sure will end up being bought by a pedophile. (HollyWire)

I'm still not sure who Katie Price is, but she got married in Vegas while her ex-husband stayed home and watched the kids. A class act this one is. (CelebSmack)

Here's Anne Hathaway out and about in LA. (usemycomputer)

Say what you will about Jennifer Aniston, but it's nice to see her hosting a telethon for Haiti. (Celeb Jihad)

Lady Gaga got a tattoo in honour of her fans yesterday and oh who even gives a shit at this point. It's not that I don't like Lady Gaga; On the contrary, I'm the half of this site who begrudgingly listens to and enjoys Lady Gaga. It's just that, well, Lady Gaga is the Sarah Palin of pop music. To paraphrase Jon Stewart here, it's not that she's a crazy lady who wears weird clothes and makes catchy music. Hell, I like her for that. It's the fact that once you strip away the outlandish get-ups and the quirky little sayings, there's nothing there. She can talk about fame and celebrity and fashion all she wants, but when it comes down to it, she's not saying anything. She's just someone who changes her look and sound to fit with whatever's popular at the time; she tries so hard to be something that she ends up being nothing. Which is a shame really, because I thought The Fame Monster was brilliant. But whatever, point is, Lady Gaga either needs to shit or get off the pot already.

I have no way of describing these photos, except to say that WOW is this ever gay. Like, so gay it borders on ridonkadonk. I mean christ, I do hardcore gay porn and this still ranks pretty high up on the gay scale which means it is fucking awesome. Seriously, it's about time America started owning it's gay already. I mean look at Lance: He owned his gay and now he's got abs! And he's the second most famous member of N*Sync! Listen up kids, if you're gay or bi or whatever, own that shit. Go out and be the gayest gay to ever gay a gay!

Here's more of Lance and Joey on Va-Gay-Tion (ZINGER!):

So the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, and because of fucking course she did, Sandra Bullock got a nod for her movie, Helpful White Lady Helps Poor Unfortunate Minorities. For some reason, everyone thinks she's the shoe-in despite Meryl Streep giving the better performance, and now Sandra is totally bringing the game to Meryl.

"With Meryl, when this whole thing started, I left her a voice mail going, 'You've got to watch your back. I'm gonna cut you. I'm gonna take you down,'" Bullock tells the Associated Press. "And then she sent me dead orchids and told me to die, so I sent her a case of liquor and told her to toast to white trash."

[...] "You have to enjoy being with these women that you admire or love or like or have had friendships with or are just getting to know because you've got to take care of each other," Bullock told the AP. (Source)

In High School, I was totally up for this award in an English writing competition against this other guy who was, unlike me, totally rich. Anyway, one night I snuck into his house and wrote "Good Luck, Assbag" in pig's blood all over his walls as a joke and one thing lead to another...All I'm saying is, it's all fun and games until someone gets threatening messages via a pig, Sandy.

Mel Gibson appeared on Chicago's WGN-TV early this morning to promote his new film Edge of Darkness, and when entertainment reporter Dean Richards had the nerve to ask him if "public perceives [him] any differently after all that's been in the news," Sugartits decided to go all "Payback" on his ass.

"That's almost four years ago, dude," Gibson snaps after an uncomfortable silence. "I've done all the necessary mea culpas. Let's move on."

Nervous, Richards then wraps up the interview. But before Gibson's satellite feed goes off, the star quips, "bye bye," muttering "a**hole" under his breath. (Source)

I love how at one point in the interview before the asshole remark, he says "You know, I think I'm the same person I always was," as if he were literally foreshadowing the end of this very interview. I also love how Mel Gibson thinks he can abuse the crap out of some Chicago reporter that nobody outside of Chicago has heard of because he still doesn't understand the concept of "YouTube" and "the internet." I bet he still send email forwards with WMV files in them too. Ha ha, old people.

And just for fun, after the jump: The Mel Gibson Asshole Techno Remix: (Dear Internet, I love you.)

The Oscar Nominations are out, and it's a race between The Hurt Locker and Dances With Smurfs. (Pajiba)

Christina Hendricks massive, glorious boobies. That's really all you need to know about this one. Also, (oYo) (Yeeeah!)

Why is Lady Gaga's head being attacked by a chandelier? (The Blemish)

Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor share an intimate publicity moment for their new movie. (Seriously? OMG!)

Someone caught Jeremy Renner's face the moment he found out he got a nomination for Best Actor, and it's kinda totally adorable. (Celebitchy)

Holy Crap, Hayden Panebananafofanna is dating a man who is SIX AND A HALF FEET TALL. (BricksandStones)

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is in a trademark battle with his porn-company owning brother because of course he is. (Agent Bedhead)

Hey kids, do you want to dress your kid like a child prostitute? Well good news! Because Noah Cyrus is coming out with a clothing line! (POTP)

Celebrity photographer and Unzipped coverguy Mike Ruiz shared some of his recent photoshoot with Queerty, including some of a newly made over Lance Bass and...Well, I'm confused. Lance Bass has always been kind of a pretty boy, now he's treading the line between totally doable and creepy emo guy. I'm a little torn, to say the least, considering that this is the guy from N*Sync who was also on Dancing With The Stars. Well, so long self-respect, it's been a fun ride.

Here's more of the now oddly-hot Lance who makes me feel all tingly in the pants:

So Sarah over at Yeeeah! and I have this mutual adoration of Lily Allen, mostly because she's kinda crazy and she makes good music and she doesn't wear pants. Anyway, we were both a little worried because Lily is taking a break from music, which means we'd be deprived of our precious, precious Lily, but NO for the Cute One has brought her crazy train back to Twitter for all to enjoy! Squee!

hello, I'm back.

Just got back from aus, and I had a wonderful time. Setting up my new office in london, got some really exciting stuff to share with you.

for now though, i'm off to the gym. Went to india over xmas,and the clarified butter has made its way from my tummy to my thighs. eeuuggh. (Source)

All I have to say about this is YAY! You might be wondering why I'm so excited over Lily's crazy Twitter while I mocked Tila's crazy tweets. Well, it's because Lily actually has talent and is capable of emotions and love and stuff, whereas Tila has implants and is only capable of shoving pineapple up her vagina. Point: Lily Allen.

If you needed anymore proof that Tila Tequila does not in any way deserve to be a mother, well you got it! Somewhere between her plans to fake adopt kids from Haiti, feuding with her fake baby daddy, and being pregnant with a fake child because she is fucking insane, Tila Tequila went ahead and addressed the above rumours about a sex tape in the absolute worst possible way imaginable.

ok so the paparazzi's has been going around telling people that I have a sex tape with that DEAD BEAT DAD!!!!! I refuse to mention his name, but anyway.....here is what everyone had to say, INCLUDING the owner of VIVID who puts out celebrity sex tapes!

and BTW I would rather Abort my child then have a sex tape leaked with me and DEAD BEAT DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Source)

Look, I'm pro-choice and everything, but ummmmm...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Christ, you know what's really sad? There are infertile couples and single parents and gay couples everywhere who have to go through hell and back in order to adopt, and this bitch she can just pop out kids willy nilly because...what, she's famous? Because she can fuck absolutely anyone? What I'm trying to say is, Tila Tequila should really consider suicide. Preferably soon.

Snooki from "Jersery Shore," despite just signing on to Season Two of the show which will keep her in stromboli for years to come and despite basically being Danny DeVito in a wig, is shopping around nude photos and a nude video of herself. There's just not enough cringing in the world right now.

The stills and video leave nothing to the imagination, as she is wearing only a smile. In one photo she is in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame . She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly. Her spot-it-anywhere fingernail polish is plainly visible. Another shot is too graphic to describe. (Source)

The fact that there's a shot "too graphic to describe" fills me with pure terror. Whatever that involves is surely the stuff nightmares are made of. It would be like the photographic equivalent to waffle fries dipped in mayonnaise. Which I may or may not have eaten while I was drunk this weekend, and which will now, going forward, set the standard for "things that are fundamentally a terrible idea."

Taylor Momsen took time out of her busy schedule of chain smoking, telling Haiti to go fuck itself and just generally being a gigantic C-U-Next-Tuesday to be the face of New Look's Spring-Summer collection. You know, if Taylor Momsen wants to stop being compared to Lindsay Lohan, she might want to consider not appearing in photoshoots where she looks like she's covered in a light dusting of the booger sugar. She also might want to consider wiping the obnoxious, self-important sneer off her bitchface and stop dressing like a 16-year-old crackwhore with a superiority complex, but that's just me.

Here's more of Little Miss C*nt from the New Look campaign:
 

Rolling right along on the Tila Tequila Crazy Train '10, Tila has officially deleted her Twitter account in order to look after the fake baby she doesn't actually have. You remember the one, right? The one she didn't have with rapper The Game, who has publicly denied ever sleeping with the psychotic, slutty, sociopathic wishing troll? Yeah, that one.

fans are saying #TilaDontLeave I'm sorry but I have to go my loves. A baby is on the way.....Deleting my page in 3, 2...........

Andddddd 1......... #TilaDontLeave but I'm out! Had lots of fun with you all and Love you, miss you but maybe I'll sign up again 1 day..bye (Source)

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN! Yes, Tila has officially snuffed out her stupid Twitter account, and incidentally, where I go to every morning for an easy story on a slow news day. But who are we kidding? She'll be back on Twitter in, like, a week to talk about how her fake-baby is actually a reincarnation Cary Grant sent to give Tila messages from God about the apocalypse or something. Like my mother always says, "You can take the whore off Twitter, but you can't the rampant self-involvement out of the whore!"

Lady Gaga showed up to the Grammy last night for once not dressed like a bloody tampon or with a bag over her head or with severed Muppet heads stapled to her -- instead opting for this Giorgio Armani-collaborated dress. It kind of looks like what if Elton John were a transvestite instead of just your garden variety flamboyant gay, but regardless I like it. If I had to come up with a word to describe this ensemble I think it would probably be something like "razzmatazz." Also? Giant, deadly throwing snowflakes are totally the new clutch.

Alright, here's a little story: Over the weekend, the fire alarm in my building went off because someone left the stove on, but whatever. Anyway, I ended up running out into the street in a pair of pajama bottoms covered in puppies and a t-shirt that said "Warning: Big Loads". Needless to say, I still can't show my face around my apartment, but it is STILL nowhere near as embarrassing as this get up. I mean Christ, Britney looks like a five year old who got into Mommy's "special" closet and came out dressed like a Vietnamese prostitute. That little rumbling you just heard was Betty Page rolling in her grave.

Here's more of little Miss Bananarama Batshit Bonkers at the Grammy's: