Forever: (Adverb) For all future time; for always.

As you may know, stupid Heidi Montag and stupid Spencer Pratt got married this weekend, and ever since they've been gloating it up on their stupid twitter accounts.

"I can't believe I am Mrs. Pratt," the Hills star wrote on Twitter Sunday morning, one day after her wedding to Spencer Pratt in Pasadena, Calif. "First day of married life!!!!!!"

"Getting married has been the craziest yet best experience of my life," she wrote. Later that day, she said, "Watching movies and relaxing -- this has been the best day as a married woman."

Monday morning, she added: "Wow, what a morning! Waking up with my husband is beyond words!!! I'm so excited I'm really married! FOREVER!" (Source)

Whatever. My Netflix account is going to last longer than these two. We've already been together since March of '05. That's four years, baby! And I still love it just as much as the first day we met, when it sent me Motorcycle Diaries and The Station Agent and I got them in my mailbox.*

* Not paid for by Netflix.

More of Mr. and Mrs. Dunderheads at their dumb wedding:

Fatphobic: (Noun) The fear of becoming overweight, or other individuals who are overweight.

Gwyneth Paltrow only has one fat friend, but if you ask her that's still one fat friend too many. Anyway, the friend some guy named Mario Batali who is supposedly fat, but Gwyneth is trying to get him to see the error of his fat ways.

OVER the years, Mario "Fanta Pants" Batali's weight has ballooned along with his ego. It's gotten so bad, insiders said, that his pal Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, "Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." A rep for Paltrow didn't return e-mails. (Source)

What an asshole. I mean, sometimes you hear this stuff about Gwyneth Paltrow and you think, she can't really be this big of an asshole, can she? It's just not physically possible. If she's just a giant, gaping asshole, why hasn't she literally swallowed up the universe like a big black asshole* by now? It's these kinds of things I ponder while reading my Popular Science magazines.

* Editor's note: Hello, new readers, who have just surfed in from google!

I'm posting these pictures of her again from the Valentino: The Last Emperor premiere, because just look at this dress. No really, JUST LOOK AT IT:

Fat Ass: (Noun) A very large, fat, fatty of a fat person.

Ha ha, Kevin Federline is still fat. And now NutriSystem wants to help him be, I don't know, not as fat. Ha ha ha.

Since last year, Kevin Federline has packed on the pounds — one pal estimates that the former backup dancer has gained more than 40 — and his new job may be to shed that fat. According to another friend, K-Fed, 31, has been offered a deal with NutriSystem to promote its Men’s Plan program.

“Kevin wants to lose weight, and he needs to make money,” the friend says. “He’s seriously thinking it over.” However, Kevin’s rep denies that he’s going to work for NutriSystem. (Source)

I think he should take the money too. And NutriSystem should dangle it in front of him on a stick and make him run for it on a treadmill. Then they should film it and that should be the entire commercial. I don't know if that would help demonstrate how their Men’s Plan program works, but hell, I would buy it. And I'm not even a man, or fat.

More of K Fat fatting around the town:

Freakish: (Adjective) Bizarre or grotesque; abnormal.

Tori Spelling and family got all gussied up in matching outfits for the release of her new autobiographical book, Mommywood, and ... I have absolutely no idea why they're dressed like this. None whatsoever. But I can say this, the last time I got this freaked out by something green was that time in college I had a bad acid trip and thought Kermit the Frog was trying to kill me. To this day, I still can't watch "The Muppets" without having a flashback.

Also, congratulations to Tori for finally reaching her goal weight of 92lbs!

Fed Up: (Adjective) Annoyed or upset at a situation or treatment.

HOOOOOMYGOD! Mel Gibson's wife of twenty-eight years and seven children, has filed for divorce, citing the good old reliable "irreconcilable differences."

"Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so," a rep for Gibson, 53, tells Usmagazine.com in a statement.

TMZ.com alleges that "there is no prenuptial agreement" based on source reporting. In 2006, Gibson's fortune was estimated at $900 million. Under California law, community property -- which includes earnings -- is divided 50/50. (Source)

Finally, Mel Gibson's wife will be able to open her eyes, and for the first time in years, be able to see the world through the eyes of a woman not married to a mysoginistic, sadomasochist Jesus freak with an alcohol problem; but still with half of his money. And Mel Gibson will be able to fall happily back off the wagon and head on down to Spring Break to bang a gaggle of 21-year-old girls. Everyone wins!*

* Not counting any coeds who contract chlamydia from Mel Gibson.

Failure: (Noun) An unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing.

"Rich Prosecco," the sparking wine in a can that Paris Hilton endorsed by posing naked in gold body paint, is not selling well. Apparently there are warehouses full of the stuff, and retailers can't move it.

Added to that, the company also faces a legal showdown with Italian vintners over the use of the name ‘Prosecco’.

However Austrian owner Guenther Aloys refuses to blame Paris’ endorsement of the drink for its poor performance in the marketplace. He said: “She is the perfect advert for our product. “We have several new campaigns that are already being planned.” (Source)

I've never had Rich Prosecco before, but if Paris Hilton is the "perfect" representation for it I'm guessing that the can itself is very stylish and chic looking while the wine itself tastes like Kool Aid laced with battery acid.

More of Paris and her dumb, douche of a boyfriend at the Schipol airport:

Flattering: (Adjective) Of a garment or color enhancing someone's appearance.

Miley Cyrus attended a screening of the Hannah Montana movie in Nashville last night, and, good news! It turns out her stylist hates her just as much as everyone else does! The girl is not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but Jesus. This dress is like the dress equivalent of one of those ruched one-piece swimsuits with the skirts attached that old ladies wear to their water aerobics classes.

Also, what's up with Billy Ray's soul patch these days? It looks like it's gradually taking over his entire face:

Family Reunion: (Noun) An occasion when members of an extended family get together.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday this weekend, and was joined by birthday whores of the present, girlfriends Kristina and Karissa Shannon and Crystal Harris; as well as birthday whores of the past, ex-girlfriends Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and the other one, whatsherface. How sweet. It's just like "The Brady Bunch," only with six Marshas who are all willing to do anal with Sam the Butcher.

Fetal Position: (Noun) A bodily posture in which the body is curled with head and limbs drawn in, sometimes assumed in states of fear or emotional withdrawal.

Oh, come on. It's Friday, dammit. She couldn't just let me ease into the weekend without any severe emotional scarring? On the bright side, at least now I know what a "space hooker" is supposed to look like. Do you think herpes in outer space is the same as herpes on the planet Earth? I bet it like, glows green or some shit.

Finished: (Adjective) Of an action or activity having been completed or ended.

This is only like the millionth time I've reported this, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are reportedly dunzo. For good this time?

A source says that the pair's on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week.

"He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour," the source said. Aniston's rep did not immediately comment. Mayer's rep declined to comment on the singer's personal life. (Source)

At this point I honestly think that I just feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. Sure, we all knew there was no way these two would end up together, happily ever after style, but I just hoped it would be because of a reason like John Mayer getting run over by a steamroller. There's just so much more dignity in having your boyfriend run over by a steamroller.

At the London premiere of "Marley & Me":

Flagrant: (Adjective) Of something considered morally, conspicuously or obviously offensive.

Paris Hilton is an asshole. You know how you're worried about things like eating and heating your home after you lost your job because your company shut down the entire branch? Well Paris has got problems, too. Namely, that her stupid pink Bentley isn't "diamondey" enough.

A Bentley source said last night: “I guess she’s not hit too badly by the recession. Paris got one of her guys to phone Bentley in Crewe, where the vehicle was made, to ask if it would be possible to give it a little more sparkle.

“When the man said she wanted to stud the dashboard with a couple of hundred grand’s worth of diamonds, we were stunned. (Source)

I'm trying to think of what the appropriate karmic retribution would be for having a "diamond-encrusted" dashboard made for your car in the middle of an international financial crisis, but I can't really think of anything that doesn't involve her actually having to eat the dashboard. So instead, I'll just say that I hope someone shoots her in the face. Ta da! Sometimes the old classics really are the best.

More of the stripper version of Snow White her new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt:

Feminism: (Noun) The advocacy of women's rights.

Kanye West was invited to perform for a recent taping of the VH1 concert series "Storytellers." When you book Kanye West for anything, it's pretty safe to say you're booking the crazy. So it was par for the course when Kanye first trashed Radiohead's Thom Yorke. However things got a little out of hand after had some interesting, uh, opinions:

A little later, West asked the crowd, "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." He was referring to R&B singer Chris Brown, who was arrested on the night of the Grammys on suspicion of beating his girlfriend Rihanna.

In the same context, West earned loud applause with his declaration: "Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing ... He's a real f---in' person; he makes mistakes," referring to the champion swimmer's recent bong pipe brouhaha.

VH1 has cleaned up those comments a bit, and it also included West's less-popular follow-up observation: "O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing though?" (Source)

I just hope Michael Phelps appreciates Kanye sticking up for him by lumping him in with O.J, Michael Jackson and Chris Brown. That's like punching someone in the face to wipe an eyelash off their cheek.

Kanye at Fashion Week with Maxine Headroom:

Finally: (Adverb) After a long time, typically involving difficulty or delay.

Is everybody ready for the big news? Megan Fox and Brian Green have broken up. I repeat, have broken up. This is not a drill. They have officially called off their engagement and are parting ways.

"The relationship had run its course," an insider tells Us exclusively. "It's completely amicable, and they are remaining friends." (Source)

It's about damn time. I could have reported on this last week, it was just a matter of when. In other "Things I See Coming" news; tomorrow around 9am I'll take a dump and in 5 billion years from now the sun will enter its "Red Giant Phase" and consume the Earth, but we'll probably all be dead by then thanks to global warming. Surprise!

More of Megan Fox and her golden globes at The Golden Globes: (See what I did there?)

Functional: (Adjective)  Complying with norms of social behavior.

Tom Cruise decided to pull a Heidi and Spencer and release these ridiculously staged candids from their family trip to Disney World last weekend. Because... This totally works for Heidi and Spencer, right? I mean, look how happy they are! There's almost zero chance of any mind control or secret, freaky ass play going on behind the scenes. How could there be? They're all smiling!

Full Speed Ahead: (Phrase) Used to indicate that one should proceed with as much speed or energy as possible.

In Jessica Simpson Fat Watch news: Jessica Simpson wore daisy dukes to a concert in Madison, Wisconsn last week, because she's still got it, dammit! Also; still together with Tony Romo; still fatting it up all over the place.

On Saturday, the couple spent a cozy evening together at the Great Dane Pub in Madison, Wis., following Simpson's gig opening for Rascal Flatts. Security guards prevented onlookers from snapping photos, but a witness tells Page Six the two looked "very much together." Simpson didn't seem too concerned about her weight - our spy also reports she was drinking "lots of beer." (Source)

To be fair, somebody could have told her it was a brand new zero calorie beer. Once when I was in college a few of my friends and I were going out for wings at a wing bar, and our one stupid hippie vegetarian friend wanted to go so we were all like, "Suuure, you can just order the tofu wings." Long story short, she came along and then like, actually tried to order tofu wings. So yeah, that's pretty much exactly the sort of stupidity I'd expect from Jessica Simpson.