In what I can really only describe as the most shitballs fucking stupid feud I have ever reported on for this site (and that includes the Megan Fox v. Michael Bay's tiny penis argument), Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is in a feud with Domino's Pizza after they pulled advertising from her show. F-Bombs were dropped, passive-aggressive jabs were taken, and the idea that the world will end in 2012 seems slightly more plausible.

A rep for the pizza company said his first thought was to decline commenting to avoid giving Snooki extra publicity. But unlike Dell, he went ahead and gave us a lengthy comment anyway...

"Our first response was, 'What a classy young lady--her parents must be so proud,' " the rep told us today. "There's no need to get into a war with this young girl, because ticktock, her 15 minutes are almost up." (Source)

I honestly don't know what she's getting so worked up about; Have you ever tried Domino's Pizza? Smear some ketchup on a slab of cardboard, spray some Cheeze-Whiz on top, microwave it for thirty seconds and you still haven't come close to the culinary shitstain that is Domino's. So don't worry honey, just go out tanning, spray some Aquanet in your hair and buy some Ed Hardy shit. You'll feel much better

Hey, you know what's the absolute worst fucking idea ever? Giving Tila Tequila a record label! Completely implausible you say? HA! Tila Tequila laughs at your silly notions of common sense or personal dignity. St. Tila Tequila is launching her own record label in 2010 no matter what the naysayers say, despite the fact that she has the financial skills of a shopaholic hobo with no hands.

PS-my Record Label Launches next year & I already found my first act that I just signed! He is going to be HUGE! Im still lookin 2 sign more

The acts I sign to my record label will go on tour with me & immediately become successful cuz being signed by me gets u lots of press! YAY! (Source)

You read that right: Not only is she going to be running other people's fledgling carreers into the ground, but she's going to inflict her own comatose, lobotomy-inducing music onto the unsuspecting masses. Kinda like syphilis, which she also happens to have. I'm honestly not sure which one I'm more terrified about. I think it depends whether you value your ears or your genitals more. Either way, St. Tila Tequila will damage them beyond repair.

What? No, not that kind of sexto-mom. Gross. After splitting up with her long-time partner Kelli Carpenter, Rosie O'Donnell is dating some chick named Tracy Kachtick-Anders who has six kids.

In an October interview at Examiner.com, the Texas-based Kachtick-Anders is described as an "artist, writer, inventor, doula and lesbian mother of six."

Kachtick-Anders has one biological child and five adopted children. (Source)

Rosie O'Donnell herself has four kids, so you can imagine the kind of shenanigans that will be going down in the O'Donnell-Kachtick-Anders household. It'll be like the Brady Bunch with ten kids and two Alices only one of the Alices is twice as big as the other and angry. Actually, that kind of sounds like ratings gold. How 'bout it, ABC?

Sometimes people tell me I shouldn't be so judgmental of Lady Gaga even though she acts like a horse's ass because she apparently writes her own music and choreographs her own moves or some such. (Whatever, I still find her music bland and overproduced.) But this right here is the perfect example of why I will never respect Lady Gaga. Because she not only A) goes on dinner dates with Perez Hilton but B) does so in matching outfits. Who even does that? Besides super-lame couples and the "Raggedy" siblings, anyway. All I can say is that if I ever see this much yellow and black coming at me again in my life it sure as hell better be a swarm of poisonous mutant killer bees.

I actually like Amy Winehouse, not only as a singer, but as a person. She just acts like a rambunctious little kindergartner, albeit, one who happens to have an amazing voice, a terrible meth addiction and big fake boobies. Which is why it saddens me that she's going to spending New Years in the hospital with a chest infection. That makes me a saaaaaaaad panda.

A source said: "Amy is in a bit of a state at the moment, she's feeling very sad and lonely. She is also extremely emotional. She's spent a lot of time over Christmas at home on her own drinking.

"Amy's been battling an acute chest infection for weeks and it's really starting to take a toll on her health. (Source)

Oh Amy, you little rapscallion you...This is what you get for smoking drugs that were in all likelihood created from the products under your sink. Have those two, terrifying blue puppets taught you nothing? Don't you put it in your mouth, Amy! Otherwise terrifying blue puppets will break into your room while you're sleeping and eat your face. Hey, my mother used it against me when I was a kid, and I never put weird shit in my mouth ever again! Well...sorta.

Pajiba has predicitions for the highest grossing movies of 2010, and naturally, Iron Man 2 is right at the top. (Pajiba)

You know what's an even better idea than letting Lindsay Lohan design clothes? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING EVERYTHING. (Yeeeah!)

Unless you want a case of herpasyphagonorreah from Brooke Hogan, don't go to Miami. (The Blemish)

Because celebrities aren't quite annoying enough today, let's see what they'll look like ten years from no-OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE. (Seriously? OMG!)

Proving that TLC hasn't quite learned their lesson yet, they have a brand new exploitative TV show! Only this one is about an obese family! (Celebitchy)

I love Anna Friel, but naturally, the paparazzi has upskirt pics of her and you've already clicked the link haven't you? (Celebslam)

Here are the top 20 songs according to Billboard. In related news, the music listening public of America is FUCKED. (HollyWire)

A propos of absolutely nothing, here are some grade-a hotties from the past. (CelebSmack)

Leighton Meester lookin' pretty good at Klutch Miami. (usemycomputer)

The trailer for Inception is out, and so far it actually looks pretty tits. (popbytes)

Selena Gomez forgot to put on pants. Before you get to excited, she's seventeen. (Celeb Jihad)

Let me preface this post by saying that violence against women is never funny. Unless the women in question is a clown, in which case, comedic gold (Oh, like you wouldn't punch a clown in the face.) That being said, The Snooki Punch video, which has since gone viral, has finally come full circle: It is being reenacted by dogs. And not just regular dogs, either. I'm talking adorable, fluffy dogs who happen to be wearing Ed Hardy hats. Once again, violence against women is never right, but you can't argue with adorable little pooches now can you?

Wanna learn how to pick up a major acting award without having any actual cinematic talent? Simple: Step 1: Be in the absolute worst fucking movie ever. Step 2: Land a small role in a big film where they make you ugly by not slathering your face with makeup three inches thick. Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit!

The singer/actress' make-up free appearance as a dowdy social worker in the Lee Daniels-directed movie landed her the Supporting Actress of the Year accolade at the 14th Annual Capri Hollywood International Film Festival on Monday (28Dec09).

And it's just the start for the star - Carey will be feted for her acting skills again next week (05Jan10) when she picks up the Breakthrough Performance Award at the 21st Palm Springs International Film Festival. (Source)

And that's all it takes! Really? And of course, there is the optional Step 5 where you complain during interviews about how they made you ugly despite the fact that all they did was not give you any makeup. Seriously, compared to Glitter, a fifth grade musical Christmas pageant about Santa Claus getting amnesia is practically Oscar Bait. Congratulations on not sucking as badly as you did last time, Mariah.

I'm actually starting to feel bad about making fun of Miley Cyrus. I mean sure, she's vapid, spoiled and has a false sense of entitlement, but she's also pretty much pimped out 24/7 by her parents and seems to pretty much fall face first on a regular basis. So you can imagine how well a recent prank went when she tried to get her back-up dancer to put on a hat filled with whipped cream.

The teen was singing at the MEN Arena in front of thousands of fans when she handed one of her dancers a hat filled with foam.

[...] But the dancer had the last laugh after throwing the cream-filled hat back at the Hannah Montana star, covering her backside, and then placing the hat on her head.

Cyrus finished the song and then explained her antics to the crowd, saying: "That was supposed to be my prank on someone else." (Source)

At this point, I'd usually make a joke along the lines of "Miley's probably used to being covered in sticky white cream at this point huh?" But honestly, it's starting to get a little mean. Also, it's a little hard for the gay porn star to make fun of a seventeen year old for being a slut...Well, actually it's really not that hard, but you get what I'm saying here, right? Right. Glad we're on the same page.

On the long list of things a third installment does NOT need, Michael Cera playing the exact same character he's played since Arrested Development is pretty high at the top of the list. Well brace yourselves, people, because Mumbles McNopubes is campaigning Harold Ramis for a part in Ghostbusters 3, despite having no dick!

[...] he used his time on set to grill Ramis, who played nerdy Egon Spengler, about the ghoulish franchise and plans for a forthcoming sequel featuring the original cast and a new generation ofGhostbusters.
 
Cera tells People magazine, "(I loved) Ghostbusters. As a kid, I wanted to be Bill Murray's character.
 
"Harold told me lots of stories and I memorised every word." (Source)

I don't know about you, but no one managed to burn through their Arrested Development goodwill faster than Michael Cera. And you know you're fucked when the guy who's been in not one but TWO fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks movies can go longer without revealing himself to be kind of a one-note tool. So I say no. No Michael Cera in Ghostbusters 3, unless you REALLY need someone to mumble awkwardly for two hours and do absolutely nothing else.

People magazine on newsstands today has the exclusive wedding photos of Kevin Jonas and his guidette bride Danielle Deleasa. Huh. That's funny ... If everything that MTV show has taught me is true, I thought that her kind preferred men with the skin tone of an Oompa Loompa, painted on abs and more shit in their hair than the Exxon Valdez dropped on Alaska's coastline. (Whee! Dated jokes!) Its not racism, it's sociology. The show says so.

Kevin Jonas with his new bride and his white girl ass on honeymoon in Cabo:

And lo, Hollywood blessed us with another movie about slutty rodents, and David Cross bought himself another fucking house. (Pajiba)

This is what I love about Sarah taking over on Yeeeah!: There's always an installment of Lily Allen Cute Watch. Sadly, this may be the last for a while. *Sad Panda* (Yeeeah!)

Kim Kardashian got peed on by a monkey, although to be fair, she's probably used to getting pissed on at this point, so HA! (The Blemish)

Mariah Carey had to have her fat ass carried up some stairs because of fucking course she did. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kanye West spent the Holidays feeding the homeless. Great. How am I supposed to make fun of you for being a good person? BITENUKER! (Celebitchy)

Kourtney Kardashian sold baby pictures to Life & Style Magazine. Who fucking called it? (BricksandStones)

Kristin Stewart is a blond now. Well, good for her I suppose. (Agent Bedhead)

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are engaged? As long as they promise to only sleep together from now on, okay then. (POTP)

New Years Eve is only two days away, which means it's time for end of year lists out the ass. And no list of year end lists would be complete with a worst actors/actresses list...list. Anyway, to the surprise and shock of absolutely fucking no one, Megan Fox was voted worst actress of the year by Moviefone.com, because of fucking course she was.

According to a poll on AOL's Moviefone.com, Megan Fox was both the worst and the sexiest actress of 2009. Her movie, 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' also had a mixed verdict, coming in as both the worst movie of the year and the year's best action movie.

Take from this what you want, as 'New Moon' was voted the year's best movie and its star Robert Pattinson the year's sexiest actor. (Source)

I'm honestly not sure what to make of this. On one hand, watching Transformers 2 was akin to scooping your frontal lobe out with a rusty spoon, but New Moon? Best movie? Christ almighty, I feel like someone just gave me a delicious cupcake and then kicked me square in the funstuff. I think we can all safely agree that the American movie-going public is FUCKED.

Michael Lohan, who, if you'll remember, was arrested two weeks ago for violating a retraining order against his ex-girlfriend Erin Muller -- filed a counter criminal complaint alleging that Erin had been abusive to him on at least one occasion. So now Erin has filed papers attempting to get the court to drop that complaint by documenting every time Michael was abusive to her, including a time that he kicked her in the vagina. Gooosch!

Dec. 9, 2007: Michael Lohan "slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday.

Feb. 2008: Michael "punched Erin in the mouth" because she had a male friend on Facebook

March 2008: Michael "whipped a computer cord" at her face but she blocked it with her hand ... causing a laceration.

May 5, 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the ribs."

May 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain."

June 2008: Michael "spit in Erin's face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist." Then he "yelled at her to 'stop crying c*nt -- other people will see you -- if they see you, I will kill you!'" (Source)

Not to be all "Judgey Judgmentalson" or anything here, but she could have avoided all of this if she would have just done the sensible thing and dumped him after he gave her a fake watch for her birthday. I mean seriously, what a cheapskate. This is Lindsay Lohan's dad we're talking about here. You mean to tell me he didn't see any of that sweet Parent Trap money?

Pete Wentz was seen sporting a black eye and busted up face while shopping in NYC yesterday with his son, Brooklyn Baloo or whatever, but don't worry, there's a totally reasonable, non-Ashlee Simpson-beating-him explanation for the bruises.

"The mean streets of NY got to him," his rep joked to UsMagazine.com.

But a source close to the Fall Out Boy rocker, 30, tells Us he simply fell on the street and insists the bruise "is not as bad as it looks." (Source)

That's funny, usually when I fall down on the street -- not that I fall down on the street a lot or anything, (OK maybe I totally do and even did yesterday when I was distracted by some lady that got pulled over for not having a driver's license) -- I usually just scrape my knee of twist my ankle. A full-on busted up face is a new one, even for someone who totally doesn't but maybe actually does fall down in the street all the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to lie about your wife beating the crap about you, at least make it believable. Like something involving a doorknob.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner, a couple I actually kinda liked despite the fact that they were apparently created in a factory that mass produces sunshine and rainbows, have split up. I may be the sworn enemy of all happiness and joy, but COME ON. They were just so damn adorable together!

"It wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends," a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. "There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived." [...]

Lucky for Lautner, the split won't inspire angry songs like those written about ex Joe Jonas -- who dumped Swift during a 27-second phone call in 2008.

"They plan to stay friends," the source says. (Source)

Sad? Yes, but I'm entirely convinced that that these two were basically just the world's most adorable beard. Honestly, no couple that young is that wholesome, it's just not possible. Mark my words: come next year, Lautner will have found a nice guy to take him out for dinner and movies...and to make the buttsex with. Hey, you don't get abs like Lautner's doing sit-ups.

Oh Joe Francis, sometimes you just make it too easy to make fun of you. Recently, the man who's made millions convincing drunken minors with low self-esteem to flash their boobs on camera was named Gawker Media's Douche of the Decade, and in true douche form, Francis sent them an email threatening Gawker President Nick Denton with legal actions and obviously photoshopped pics of himself shirtless.

"Hey Nick, Your [sic] fucked. I am suing you tomorrow personally. You messed with the wrong guy. No one make up [sic] lies about me and gets away with it. I lost a 10 million dollar deal as a direct result of you calling me "a rapist." You will be paying me every dime of that back and more! Are you mentally retarded? Do your research first. I am coming after you harder then I have ever went after anyone. I am going to wipe you off the grid!!!! YOU ARE DONE! I will take everything you have. You, Nick Denton are truly the "Douche of the Decade" Merry Xmas IDIOT!!! Joe Francis" (Source)

Gee, here's a thought: Maybe if you're gonna give underage girls booze in exchange for filming their boobs, you shouldn't act so fucking surprised when people start calling you a filthy skeezebag. Also, nice photoshop job on your pics too. Nicely done. Really, it must have taken a twelve year old all of, like, 30 seconds to crap that one out. 

Normally on Christmas I'm all happy-happy-joy-joy and what not, but hearing that Paris Hilton is happy in any way, shape or form makes me a saaaaaad panda. Maybe it's her at best tenuous grasp of reality, the false sense of entitlement or the fact that she single-handedly proved that you need not be kind, talented or even remotely intelligent to be successful, but hearing about how she got showered with diamonds just irks the living shit out of me.

And she was stunned when Reinhardt joined her at home with a horde of lavish gifts - including sparkling gems from exclusive boutique The 14 Karats in Berkeley, California.
Writing on her personal Twitter.com page, excited Hilton tells fans:

"At home opening Christmas presents from my man. SO happy! He really spoiled me this year and gave me so many incredible presents! :) All the jewelry he bought me from 14 Karats Jewelry Store is so stunning! It's true diamonds are a girl's best friend. I am speechless." (Source)

Diamonds? Well now that's just swell. Gee, wonder how many kids lost life and limb so that you can add yet another diamond necklace? But hey, I bet those kids have great big smiles on their faces knowing that Paris Hilton will wear the diamonds they died finding for one night before throwing it in the back of her closet. And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Hey guys, how was your Holiday break? All good? Well, consider this a post-Christmas present: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, the abdominally-enhanced Gudio from Jersey Shore, used to be a stripper before his big break on MTV's magnum opus. And we have pictures. God bless us, everyone!

TMZ has learned The Situation -- aka Mike Sorrentino -- was a member of the "All American Male" exotic dancer crew back before his reality show days.

We're told The Situation worked for the group -- which gyrates from New York to New Jersey -- back in 2004. (Source)

Well of course he was a stripper...Have you seen those abs? I get the urge to do my laundry just staring at them. Although to be perfectly honest, it looks like his career is on a steady path downhill; I mean yipes, appearing on an MTV reality show? How the mighty have fallen. If he doesn't turn it around, he might end up on TLC. Please Mr. Situation, get back on the pole before you lose all dignity.

Hey Guys! From Stacey and myself, we'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Open Presents, drink eggnog, spend time with your families, all that jazz!

Tim Burton released some new promotional pics from his upcoming Alice in Wonderland, and it is B-E-A-Utiful! (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag made candles for Christmas! And by "Made candles", I mean she stapled ribbons on them. (Yeeeah!)

The posters for Brittany Murphy's last movie are being recalled because...Well, see for yourself. (The Blemish)

Okay, this is kinda cool; They organized a flash mob to promote Glee, and it's actually pretty spiffy. (Seriously? OMG!)

As it turns out, Courtney Love might have been beating her daughter. This is actually really sad, but who here didn't see this one coming? (Celebitchy)

Brittany Murphy's death is why we need healthcare! Or something... (Celeb Jihad)

Steven Tyler is going into Rehab. This is not a repeat of the last 20 fucking years.(BricksandStones)

Because TV doesn't suck enough, they're making a reality show based on fucking Twi-Hards. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennifer Hudson is NOT pregnant. I'm sure you must all be absolutely crushed. (POTP)

Fred Phelps, professional troll and overall crazy person, has decided that along with Fags, America, Fallen Soldiers, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Canada and your dog, God now hates Lady Gaga. Because if anyone would know how God felt, it's the psychotic, hateful church guy with the tenuous grasp of reality.

"Art" and "fashion" are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of "lady" is sound only if she tacks on "of the night," thereby alluding to another euphemism of what she is.) As much as she'd like to pretend otherwise, there's nothing new or different about this particular hussy's pretentious prancing. (Source)

Oh, listen to HER! When the hell did Fred Phelps turn into a bitchy, catty gay guy? Reread that last sentence in a Paul Lynde voice. Go ahead, try it. The man is a a wig, a tuck-job and a pair of sky-high pumps away from being a bad knock-off of a bad Lady Bunny knock off. But in all seriousness, whenever Fred Phelps uses the word "God", it usually helps to replace it with his name since really, that's who he thinks he is.

Everyone's favorite Commie-pinko-liberal celebrity couple, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, who never got married despite being together for 23 years and having two kids because they were too damn liberal for that, have reportedly been split up since the summer. But I guess they're just telling us now because they wanted to ruin Christmas. (Probably because Liberals hate Christmas.)

"Actress Susan Sarandon and her partner of 23 years, actor Tim Robbins have announced that they separated over the summer," her rep Teal Cannaday tells PEOPLE in a statement. "No further comments will be made."

The couple met on the set of Bull Durham, and they have two sons together, Jack, 20, and Miles, 17. (Source)

I don't know why but this genuinely makes me really sad. 2009 has been a shit year for celebrity tragedy, but even so celebrities drop dead all the time for reasons like old age and drugs and cancer. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon's love should have never died. Next thing you're gonna tell me is Santa Claus left Mrs. Claus to go bang a slutty elf. Or, you know, Tila Tequila.

Good news everyone! As it turns out, St. Tila Tequila isn't actually pregnant! Despite tweeting, and I quote, "Im (sic) pregnant!!!!" it turns out Tila has yet to implant some poor unfortunate embryo in her the rotting, syph-infested cavern she affectionately refers to as a vagina. Which means there's still time for Tila to get hit by a car or have her womb magically removed. *Crosses Fingers*

"I'm about to be," Tila clarified to Life & Style. "When I tweeted that, I figured there's not enough space in the 140 characters. [I meant] I'm going to give him a Christmas present that's going to change his life." [...]

"I don't have time to take care of a real baby of my own -- not yet however -- I feel I am very ready to experience the whole pregnancy process but without having to actually have the baby my own to take care of." (Source)

This is like an early Christmas present! There's still time goddammit! As a nation, we need to convince Tila Tequila's brother to just adopt a baby rather than have his sister crap out some poor, deformed monstrosity. Well, either that or pray that Tila Tequila accidentally loses her reproductive organs during some robot/anteater/famewhore threesome gone awry.

Ho. Lee. MOTHERFUCKINGCOCKSUCKINGASSFISTING GOD. I'm all for going on the occasional junk food binge and all, but goddammit did Miley Cyrus ever go off the fucking wagon. I don't mean just "Super-Sizing her Big Mac trio", I mean "eating enough calories to send a giraffe to the moon and back".

A source told Life and Style magazine: "She sent out for Eddie Rocket's and ordered their famous cheese fries and seven of their burgers to sample. She had two Double Takes with double the meat, two Atomic Burgers with chili and jalapeños, two Cheeez Please Burgers -- one with Swiss, one with cheddar -- and a classic burger with secret sauce. She washed down her burger binge with an Oreo shake. (Source)

Okay, say what you will about Miley, but my personal theory about this: Miley's parents are starving her to keep her thin and pretty for all of eternity, and Miley got out long enough to eat enough food to keep herself from dying of malnutrition. I mean they've already proved that they would literally hack off pieces of their daughter and sell them on EBay to pay for diamond-encrusted Hummers, so how far from the truth can this be?

I don't think it's any secret that, if given the opportunity, I would do things to him that are in all likelihood illegal in Maine as well as most third-world countries. Which is why this Twitpic from NPH's Twitter account fills me with glee to see my two favouritest things in the world together: Neil Patrick Harris and Christmas. Seriously, would you look at that? It's just so shiny and sparkly and festive and adorable! Also, there's a tree. *Whips out a top hat and cane, does a little jig*

Alright, if you're a little kid, let me preface this by saying: Of course Santa is real kids! Ho ho ho and such! Why don't you go eat a candy cane and make some gingerbread cookies to leave out for Santa! Go ahead! Go now! ...They gone? Alright then, moving on. Paris Hilton went on the record to say that she believed in Santa until the age of 16. Other things she believed in: The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, Her Dignity.

The socialite thought the festive character was real until she was in her mid-teens and still makes her mother Kathy Hilton put out astocking full of presents on Christmas Day (25.12.09) so she can pretend he has paid her a visit.

She said: "We usually open our presents first thing in the morning. I'm like a kid at this time of year and I just can't wait. I literally believed in Santa Claus until I was around 16! My mom still puts a stocking out for me so I can still pretend." (Source)

Well of fucking course Paris would believe in Santa, the bitch is rich. Most kids eventually sit down and wonder why it is the rich kids get better presents than the poor kids, and why Santa gives presents to total assholes. Thankfully, Paris is both rich AND a total asshole, so she doesn't have to worry about any of that!

A.B. scored an exclusive with Eli Roth about his chest waxing. Personally, a waxed Bear Jew makes me sad in the pants. (Agent Bedhead)

The Red Band trailer for Kick-Ass featuring Hit Girl is out and it is SO. FUCKING. AWESOME. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry does not take kindly to those rumours that she was trying to jump Robert Pattinson's sparkly bones. (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse went to the theater, heckled the actors, then kicked the manager of the theater in the balls. Must be Monday! (The Blemish)

Holy shit, John Lennon's star on the walk of fame was stolen! EVERYBODY FREAK THE FUCK OUT! (Seriously? OMG!)

Uh-oh, looks like Gwyneth Paltrow might have broken some laws in her latest GOOP. Everyone point and laugh! (Celebitchy)

Tiger Woods is going to sex rehab. No, this is not the Tiger Woods Porn Parody called "Tiger's Wood". (BricksandStones)

Dakota Fanning proves that she is still a classy and elegant young woman in the whole Brittany Murphy story. (POTP)

As if it wasn't bad enough that Lily Allen is gonna stop making music for two years, she's also sworn off blogging and Twitter, proving once and for all that we simply cannot have nice things. Honestly, I'm giving myself a week before I go into withdrawal and put 'Smile' on repeat in my apartment.

'I'd be with my boyfriend or my mum and they'd have just got half of me. So I put my BlackBerry, my laptop, my iPod in a box and that's the end.

'I won't use email, I play records on vinyl, I don't blog. I've got more time, more privacy. We've ended up in this world of unreal communication and I don't want that. I want real life back. (Source)

NOOOOOOO! Say it ain't so! But seriously, when you're with your loved ones, don't most people usually just put their iPods away or something? I mean Christ, if Mama Feist ever caught us tweeting at the dinner table, she'd beat us! More than usual anyway. Oh I kid I kid, she never beat us. We just beat each other. Classic sibling on sibling violence.

Carl's Jr., never one to shy away from the opportunity to grab the celebutard of the day and get them to shovel piles of their greasy-ass food down their face holes while flaunting their silicon funbags, has released a commercial featuring Kim Kardashian eating one of their new one-kajillion calorie salads. Suffice to say, Kim spouts thinly veiled sexual metaphors in a breathy voice while the camera lingers for uncomfortably long periods of time on her tits, none of which have anything to do with the salad in question. All I can say is, thank God they chose Kim over her sister, Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend, otherwise a pair of forks would have mysteriously found their way into my eyes.

I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on in this video Jessica Simpson posted yesterday on Twitter, save for the fact that the girl is holding a goddamn candle in her ear and her gay best friend is tormenting her in the background with Christmas Carols while the poor woman screams as if she were being forced to watch A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila. But it made me laugh.

Jessica Simpson has posted a video of herself on Twitter doing ear candling--a method of drawing out ear wax suggested by her stylist, Ken Paves. It doesn't look fun.

"Who gives this kind of candle for a christmas gift?" she tweeted.

Ear candling is widely regarded as a quack practice, as the residue it leaves is wax from the candle, not the ear. It can also be dangerous if the hot wax drips into the ear and burns the eardrum. (Source)

You know, most people would normally go after ear wax with a Q-Tip or a tissue or something, but only Jessica would go in there with something flammable. But whatever, I actually thought it was hysterically funny, and Jessica seems to be a good sport about it, so kudos to her on that one. Oh my God, I just said something nice about Jessica Simpson. What the frak?

Kevin Federline is making his big screen debut in the latest American Pie afterbirth, American Pie Presents: The Book of Love. Or you know, "small screen" since that movie will never, ever see the inside of a movie theater.

Though he was originally up for a different part, the movie's makers decided against Federline playing himself, opting to make him a Canadian border guard instead.

Federline, who has two sons with Spears (Sean Preston and Jayden James), has recently said that he is eager to build upon his acting resume. (Source)

I love it that they decided against having K Fed play himself, like there are some jokes that are too obvious for an American Pie direct-to-DVD movie. You know that's pretty bad when a movie franchise that will be making dick and fart jokes long after Jesus comes back and sets fire to the Earth, the roaches die out and Twinkies expire thinks that K Fed humor is stale.

After being a terrible pet owner to a chihuahua, a ferret and a monkey, Paris Hilton has decided to be a terrible owner to a teacup piglet. Knowing her, I'm giving the poor thing a week before Animal Control finds it dead in the bathroom with an empty pill bottle and a suicide note along the lines of "Paris Hilton is a disgusting whore." Need proof? She's actually making the poor thing sleep with her. Ugh.

She said: "Doug and I will be lying in bed, watching DVDs, and she'll just lie there between us. She's a little sweetheart and I love her."

She explained to Britain's Hello! magazine: "My little brother bought a little pig when he was in Las Vegas and I was so jealous - I've always wanted one. I went online and found these tiny teacup pigs that stay under 12lb when they're fully grown. They're incredibly smart, lovable, really clean and litter trained." (Source)

Now that's just gross; I hope someone vaccinated her from the multitude of diseases she could get from so much as sharing a bed with Paris Hilton. ZING! But seriously, considering that she's fucked every trust fund douchebag in Hollywood, sharing a bed with a pig might be a step in the right direction for her.

Oh, this is just rich. RICH I say. Entertainment Weekly went ahead and picked out the worst books of the year, and guess who got #1? No, really, go ahead and guess. Yup, if the header pic didn't tip you off, Heidi and Spencer's How To Be Famous came in at the top of the list, out-shitting even the trashiest of trash.

Though it was a difficult task to pick the best fiction and nonfiction books of the year, it was fairly easy to determine which book would top our Worst list: Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt's How To Be Famous. Because, really, when it comes to this duo, we'd rather have a step-by-step guide on how to endure their endless televised shenanigans than how to follow in their fame-whoring footsteps. (Source)

But really, was there ever any doubt this would be the worst book ever? For realsies, these two have not only spent the year exemplifying the absolute worst aspects of humanity, they've been EMBRACING it, getting rich off it while people are being laid off left and right. You've earned it guys. Now please, PLEASE just kill yourselves already.

Call me crazy, but if you want to disprove a bunch of totally "Made Up" rumors about yourself, wouldn't you NOT want to compile an entire goddamn list of them for everyone to read about on your website? If you said "No, that is a completely sane and logical thing that someone who is totally not crazy would do", congratulations! You're Britney Spears.

The pop star has launched a "Bulls#!t Alerts" page that will "give [fans] the inside-scoop- straight from Britney and her team on what's true and what's bull."

The top 10 BS Britney stories according to the pop star's Web site:

1. Britney dates Indian Choreographer Sandip Soparrkar

2. Ex Manager Says Britney's Not Ready
3. Fans storm out of Britney's Australian show due to lip-synching
4. Courtney Love Rants on Facebook that Britney Spears' Dad Molested Her
5. Britney thinks her dad is drugging her
6. BritneySpears holed up in Perth hotel after concert shame
7. Britney Spears dating music producer Dallas Austin
8. Britney's comeback tour faces low ticket sales
9. Beau says no to Britney's proposal
10. Topless 'Gimme More' Photos (Source)

Oh lord, this REALLY is not helping your case. This is like proving to everyone that you don't have herpes by holding a press conference where you show everyone your vagina; Yes, you've proven your point, but you still look completely crazycakes by going to unnecessary lengths to prove what most people already know. And how the hell did we not make the list? We are just as careless with our sources as those other assholes! RIGGED!

(Quick note here: My deepest condolences to Brittany Murphy's loved ones. That being said, I refuse to report on anything about her death that doesn't come from a legitimate, objective source. Let the girl rest in peace already.)

Show of hands! How many of you finished your Christmas shopping? Good good...What did you get your loved ones? DVDs? Nice wine? Something nice to wear? Those are good gifts. Know what's NOT a good gift? Surprising your brother by saying that you're pregnant and you're giving the baby to him. Although that probably really only applies if you're St. Tila Tequila.

"I am going to become a SURROGATE MOTHER for my brother and his Wife!!...That is my xmas present to them," she writes.  "I'm pregnant!!!"

Earlier, she teased that she was giving her brother a present that would "CHANGE HIS LIFE AND MINE FOREVER!!!! ITS HUGE!"

Tila (real name: Tila Ngyuen), 27 has not yet provided additional details about the due date of the child or how she reached the momentous decision. (Source)

Oh fuck me...If there was ever a person who should not have babies, it's St. Tila. I wonder if she knows that being pregnant means she can't do blow off a homeless guy's ass crack while stuffing traffic cones up her vajooter. But who are we kidding really? I give her a week before she's back having fourgies with a zebra, a sad clown and a Baldwin Brother in a pool of chocolate mousse.

So I guess you've heard that Brittany Murphy is dead due to cardiac arrest. Which is of course suspicious because 32-year-olds typically don't go dying of heart attacks for no good reason. I'm actually really shocked and saddened by this news. Brittany was only like two months age difference than me, which kind of freaks me out -- not to mention that she was actually a genuinely gifted comedic actress, some of my favorite roles of hers being "Luanne" from "King of the Hill" and Lisa Swenson from Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Of course, in recent years her once promising career had kind of gone down the shitter with reports of increasingly erratic behavior and bizarre lifestyle choices like marrying some gross nobody slob of a screenwriter husband and unnecessary cosmetic surgery. That's why I just stick to booze. Nobody ever just drops dead from booze, and eventually science will probably be able to grow me a new liver.

Brittany and her creepy husband making out at LAX last month:

Here are the 10 Most Culturally Poisonous Films of the Aughts. I couldn't agree more with the header. HATE IT. (Pajiba)

Spencer Pratt took time out from firing a gun to pull off the gayest pose ever. No, really. GAY. (Yeeeah!)

The first pics from Tara Reid's Playboy shoot are out, and they look just photoshoperrific! (The Blemish)

The 19th Duggar child is in stable condition after being born premature. I'm happy the little lady will be fine, but this might be a sign for you to STOP HAVING SO MANY FUCKING BABIES. (Celebitchy)

So after ditching his wife and knocking up a new girl, Mel Gibson is ready to ditch her and his new baby. Apparently, this is what Mel Gibson thinks Jesus would do. (Celebslam)

What. The. Fuck. Apparently, they should change the name of So You Think You Can Dance to So You Think You Can Molest Children You Sick Sack Of Shit. (HollyWire)

Beyonce's parents are getting divorced, either because her Dad is a psychotic stage dad or because he likes to impregnate other women. (CelebSmack)

Blake Lively decides to wear the skimpiest dress ever in the middle of fucking December. She looks good though, I'll give her that. (usemycomputer)

Taylor Momsen gives Miley Cyrus a run for her money in the underage celebrity slut contest. (Celeb Jihad)

Here are the 10 Best Celebrity Candids of '09. Seriously, that last one KILLED me. (Allie Is Wired)

The long national nightmare is over people: Fat Asian Spencer Pratt and The Beldam from Coraline have finally, FINALLY divorced. Divorce is never easy on the kids, but to be fair, neither is watching your parents go from seemingly normal people to famewhoring douchebags who would grind you up and sell you as horse meat in order to pay for their Ed Hardy clothes, so this is probably a lateral move for them. Also: Two Christmases! Yay!

Jon and Kate Gosselin officially divorced Friday after 10 years of marriage, eight children and a year of tabloid headlines.

Kate Gosselin gets the family home in eastern Pennsylvania in the no-fault divorce agreement, according to her lawyer, Mark Momjian. She will also continue as the primary caretaker of the reality TV couple's 9-year-old twins and 5-year-old sextuplets. (Source)

Well now doesn't that just warm your heart? Getting divorced one week before Christmas...Glad to see they didn't let their careers come before their kids, right? I kinda hope Santa gives the kids coal this year, not because they were bad, but because I could totally get behind eight little kids burning down TLC Headquarters in some good ol' fashioned Yuletide Arson.

I honestly don't really know that much about Stephanie Pratt, save for the fact that she shares some genetic material with the worst human being ever, so I won't pass judgment on her just yet. She did however pose for Maxim and BITENUKER does she ever look like her brother. Sorry, but yikes, she looks like what would happen if you slapped one of Chi Chi LaRue's wigs on Spencer and gave him some implants. In all fairness, she's probably a pretty girl on her own accord, but all I see when I look at her is a post-op MTF version of Spencer Pratt. Maybe if Spencer Pratt were to suddenly die I could stop seeing her that way. I'm not saying she should kill her brother, but...Actually, yes, that's what I'm saying. Go kill your brother, Sweetums.

Fat Asian Spencer Pratt was seen in a rarely photographed moment, blowing off some steam after TLC basically cut off his balls by not allowing him to make any public appearances whatsoever. I guess it's good that he's taking out his frustrations constructively like this instead of say, beating up on some innocent hookers or something. At least until TLC repossesses his gun, anyway. At that point, if I were a hooker I would stay away from Jon Gosselin.

If there was ever irrefutable evidence for New York City to finally pass a city ordinance requiring old ladies to wear bras in public, it doesn't get much more solid than this. I mean, I guess they've got more important things to worry about like public smoking bans and whatnot ... But honestly, what's really more damaging to your health, secondhand smoke or a glimpse or Sarah Jessica Parker's breasts? Well, the smoke, obviously. But you have to admit the other thing is pretty unpleasant too.

If you have tweenage daughters today (specifically, ones with terrible taste in men), you might want to keep them away from sharp objects. Why? Because one of the Jonas Brothers is getting married this weekend! Yeah I know, I'm simply thrilled as well. Just two more and hopefully these assholes will settle down and fade into obscurity like a good little boyband.

The eldest Jonas Brother, 22, will reportedly walk down the aisle with fiancee Danielle Deleasa, Radar Online reported on Thursday.

According to the Web site, the couple's wedding rehearsal is set to take place on Friday and will reportedly feature a roller skating rink.

The actual wedding will reportedly take place on Saturday at an estate on Long Island. (Source)

I know 22 sounds young, but I have a couple theories on this one. The first is that thanks to those fucking purity rings, The Jonas Brothers are nursing some serious blueballs and are marrying as soon as possible just to finally get off. My second theory is that the guy is totally gay and he's just looking for a beard. Considering that their wedding will feature a roller skating rink of all things, I'm leaning toward the latter.

Here it is: The Best Films of the Aughts. No words, people. No words. (Pajiba)

That nasty Coco bitch who married Ice-T took a Twitpic of herself doing squats in stripper heels and you just puked all over your keyboard, didn't you? (Yeeeah!)

So as it turns out, Kourtney Kardashian might not actually know who the father of her baby is. Keepin' it klassy, y'all! (The Blemish)

Oh. My. GOD. Craig Ferguson did a round-up of his favourite celebrity Christmas specials and it is the BEST FUCKING THING EVER. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mo'Nique said that her role in Precious helped her forgive her abusive father. In a related story, it has just started snowing Oscars. (Celebitchy)

Adam Lambert? On my Nickelodeon? It's more likely than you think. (Celeb Jihad)

Rihanna was in Paris for some reason and decided to wear The New York Post as pants. (BricksandStones)

It's a very Gaga Christmas! Expect this to be played in your local gay club/bathhouse this Holiday season! (Agent Bedhead)

Ummmm...yeah. St. Tila Tequila saying that any woman is a waste of space is like the pot calling the kettle a vapid, useless whore. (POTP)

Oh. Em. JEEBUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST. It's finally happened: Miss Piggy has gone on the record about the Tiger Woods controversy on The Wendy Williams, and it. is. Actually kind of depressing at this point.

"My Kermie is nothing like [Tiger]. I just want to say, he would never do anything untoward moi, but, if he did, you can rest assured there'd be a hole in one, and he'd be the one!"

• Miss Piggy, chiming in on the Tiger Woods scandal during a sit-down with Wendy Williams this week. (Source)

Seriously, you know you're fucked when even a pile of felt and ping-pong ball eyes in the shape of an anthropomorphic pig is calling you a filthy manwhore. Although to be fair, Kermit is TOTALLY cheating on Piggy with Electric Mayhem's Janice. I'm counting down the days until Kermie gets into a car crash after Miss Piggy cuts his brakes and shoves Beeker in his tailpipe.

Remember back when Robert Downey Jr. was completely off his shit and getting into trouble with the law about as often as I have a hot meal? No? Well, Japan does, and on a recent trip to the country, RDJ got held up after realizing that the Japanese Government is less than peachy keen on the whole "Felony" thing. I know, surprising, right?

"I probably should have seen there was a sign that said 'No Felons Allowed' in English and Japanese and I haven't had that expunged yet," he said. "You can actually get things expunged but I've been pretty busy. So I was detained, I was interrogated. It was a blast."

"Haven't you settled up? Haven't you paid your debts?" Letterman asked.

"Clearly I haven't paid my debts to Japan," said Downey. (Source)

Whoops! Well, I know where I'm not going for New Year's. Thankfully, I actually took the time to expunge my criminal record, but I make absolutely no promises that we won't ressurect the annual Feist Family Christmas Domestic Disturbance/Drunk and Disorderly Conduct/Arson charges.

Spencer Pratt released the cover for his upcoming album titled "I'm a Celebrity" because, of course it is, on his twitter page, and also announced that his single of the same name would be released on iTunes on 12/22/09. Seriously though, I'm 99% certain that this song is the same song he leaked last June for "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" which was not affiliated in any way with "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!," the NBC network, NBC Universal or its parent company General Electric. Releasing a song six months after the fact about a reality show that you famously slinked away from with your tail between your legs that no one even remembers anymore? Damn. That's super lame, even for Spencer Pratt. He should just call his next single "Laughably Redundant."

After losing custody of her 17-year-old daughter and then trashing her on Facebook (what any reasonable parent would do) Courtney Love has now gotten a restraining order slapped on her to stay away from Francis Bean. Surprisingly enough, this didn't discourage Meth Mom from once again taking to Facebook to give her side of the story:

After slamming her 17 year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain as "deceptive" on her Facebook page Tuesday, Love, 45, said Wednesday afternoon that she's not angry at Frances. "id just prefer she not become Jaimie [sic] L Spears," Love wrote, referring to Britney Spears' little sister Jamie Lynn, who had a daughter, Maddie, at age 17, in 2008.

Love continues her typo-ridden ode to Frances: "she should go be a writer or an a...rtist wich i support 100% but this is a circus and it pains me cos i know she hates it." (Source)

First of all, what is an artistwich? Is that like a sandwich made by a Subway Sandwich Artist? Second of all, I wouldn't worry about Francis Bean becoming Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lynn seems to be doing pretty well for herself, considering. If I were her, I'd worry much more about my daughter turning into Courtney Love. But it seems like the Francis Bean's got a good head on her shoulders so I think she'll be OK.

After three years reigning as the most the most white bread couple ever, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have officially split. And proving once again how boring they are, they didn't even have the decency to sleep around, get into a car crash or violently abuse one another. Yeah, I know, what selfish jerks.

After nearly three years together, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal called it quits in early December. "It broke his heart," an insider reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly.

A source close to Gyllenhaal, 29, explains that the once-golden couple "fought constantly in the past few months," and that the relationship concluded over a series of phone calls.

Adds another source, "No one cheated. There was no drama." (Source)

"It broke his heart"? Oh God...Sorry, every time I look at Jake Gyllenhaal I can't help but think that he looks like a friggin' puppy. Look at those eyes! Seriously, he probably did the little puppy dog pouty face when they were breaking up too. My God, that is just tragic. In all honesty, I thought they were a cute couple, so best to the both of them.

Here's a list of the 10 Best Comedies of the Aughts. Number one pretty much seals the deal. (Pajiba)

Oh fuck me sideways...Miley Cyrus' little sister sung and dance to Akon's 'Smack That' on camera, and it is just Pedo-riffic. (Yeeeah!)

Add Nicole Kidman to the list of people who look like they were shot in the face with Homer Simpson's Makeup gun. (The Blemish)

Three of the guidos from Jersey Shore were on Jimmy Kimmel last night to reenact The Story of Christmas and OH MY GOD, it's the greatest thing ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Courtney Love is working on cleaning up her act after losing custody of her daughter. HA! Just kidding! She's actually trashing her daughter on Facebook. (Celebitchy)

St. Tila Tequila is also working hard to class up her image by asking the paparazzi not to take pictures of her boobs in exchange for giving them shots of her vag. Wait, what? (Celebslam)

Kellan Lutz may have been in that fucking awful Twilight movie, but at least he looks pretty without a shirt. Humina. (HollyWire)

Pamela Anderson tried to pull off her best "Sexy Genie" look, and pretty much failed miserably on both fronts. (CelebSmack)

Here's Zoe Saldana at the premiere of Dances With Smurfs Avatar(usemycomputer)

Proving that there is, in fact, a God, Alicia Keys performed a duet with Stephen Colbert on his show. (popbytes)

Yup...Two days in and Kourtney Kardashian's baby is in rehab. (Celeb Jihad)

We love Kendra Wilkinson. We really do. Honestly, if we could we could write about her all day, every day and never ever get sick of it. Which is why it delights me to bring you her OK! Magazine cover with her baby, Hank Baskett IV. And let me tell you, it is simply MAGICAL. Yes, I just said magical without a trace of irony. That's how much I love Kendra Wilkinson.

"The good thing about being induced is that it's like planning a trip, just very calm," she told OK! "We ate a huge dinner before we came to the hospital. I ate a whole batch of brownies because I was nervous. No wonder he's 9 pounds!"

The induction didn't work and Hank was delivered via C-section at 12:37 a.m. Friday. Her memory of 40+ hours in labor: "I was just in heaven." (Source)

Two words: A. DORABLE. Honestly, my heart is jumping around in my chest making little puppy dog "Yip! Yip! Yip!" sounds right now. Honestly, if The Grinch saw this, his heart would grow three sizes today. And then he would probably die because the instant swelling of internal organs is probably a bad thing. Regardless, Kendra Wilkinson makes me happy in the soul.

Editor's note: "No wonder he's 9 pounds!" Wait, which hole does Kendra think babies come from again?

If you guessed "out back, in the dumpster behind the plastic surgery clinic", DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING! We have a winner! Yup, as it turns out the tiny little bump on the corner of Sarah Jessica Parker's mouth, who's removal caused many Sex and the City fanatics to have conniptions, was offed in a spur of the moment cosmetic surgery procedure.

"I didn't have strong feelings," she said. "I didn't object to it. I just didn't care for it. And I had about six free days when I could be bloody and stabbed and no one will care and honestly I didn't think a thing about it and then apparently it turned into mole-gate."

Soon after the procedure, Parker said, a woman approached her on the beach, upset that she had gotten rid of her "signature."

"I was like, 'My mole was my signature? Isn't my brain my signature?'" Parker said. "For about the next 15 minutes I couldn't hear anything because I thought I'd make a terrible mistake. Can they put it back on?" (Source)

Finally, we can all rest easy knowing that Sarah Jessica's Mole was released back into the wilds of West Hollywood, where it can frolic with others of it's kind. In fact, on a quiet night in WeHo, if you listen closesly, you can hear it howling at the moon with Ashlee Simpson's old nose. True story.

That's it. That's what happened. A bird pooped on Tori Spelling's head. And thankfully she twittered about it, although neglected to include any helpful "twit pics" or other visuals.

Ive had a day!1st a bird pooped on my head at The Grove&now I just poured boiling water frm kettle all ovr my hand.I'm a HOT mess.Literally!

I was going to excuse writing about a bird pooping on Tori Spelling's head because it's a slow news day, but who am I kidding. Heidi and Spencer would have to literally commit a murder-suicide pact for me not to take insurmountable joy in a bird pooping on Tori Spelling's head. Christmas really did come early this year!
 

The Asian American Justice Association are pretty pissed at Toby Keith right now. He was onstage with Will Smith while Smith was doing a cover of 'Rapper's Delight', and during the line "to the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, the purple and yellow", he did the Miley Cyrus squinty-eye thing that is pretty much the international signal for "I hate Asians". The only thing that really surprises me about this is that Toby Keith and Will Smith were on stage together and that he didn't make him use segregated water fountains. Did anyone here REALLY not think that Toby Keith was an ignorant tool? No one? Thought so.

The Golden Globe Nominations are out, and somehow, Sandra Bullock got as many Best Actress Nods as Meryl Streep. What in the what? (Pajiba)

Rihanna is in a new shoot for GQ Magazine, and you know what that means: Boobs boobs boobs! (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of which, here's Salma Hooters-I mean Hayek showed up at an event for a kids charity with the tightest dress imaginable. (The Blemish)

Robert Downey Jr. was at the premiere of Sherlocke Holmes, and he was Fuh-LAMING. As in he was on fire. (Seriously? OMG!)

Alanis Morissette battled depression the ol' fashioned way: with weed and running. Don't forget binge-eating! (Celebitchy)

Gee, Courtney Love lost custody of her daughter did she? Well now, colour me just FLABBERGASTED.  (BricksandStones)

Speaking of "Flaming" and "Sherlocke Holmes", RDJ had a nickname for Jude Law, and it is delightfully homoerotic. (Agent Bedhead)

Lil Wayne will be starting his prison sentence February 9th, conveniently close to his album release date. This is what is known as "The Lil' Kim Factor". (POTP)

George Clooney's latest fling has a wedgie. Teehee! (Superior Gossip)

On the long list of things you should never ask Nicole Kidman about, including why her face apparently never moves, what it was like to fuck a gay elf, or how she continues to land award-winning roles when she can't even show emotion let alone blink, asking her about Scientology is a big no-no in her book, as reporter Andrew Marr found out when he interviewed Kidman about her upcoming movie, Nine.

"Scientology," said Marr. "A lot of people would say it is a bullying cult."

Kidman stumbled over her response before deciding she wasn't going to give one.

"I just don't . . . This is just so not . . ." she said. Then, "I'm here to publicize 'Nine.' If I was here to do an expose on myself then I'd be like, 'Let's go,' but I have no interest in discussing any of that." (Source)

More than anything, she was probably just worried that if she said anything, her Keebler Elf of an ex-husband would come and sue her for whatever they hell he sues people for. Hell, I should probably shut up, lest he happen onto this site and slap us with a lawsuit. We'd like to take this opportunity to point you to the legal notice on the bottom of the page. Suck on that!

One thing you might not know, but Gossip tends to be overtly cyclical in nature. Every week, without fail, Paris Hilton will do something dumb and slutty, George Clooney will be giving a fresh case of herpes to some poor new girl, and one of the Lohans will be arrested. So it should come as no surprise that Michael Lohan was arrested yesterday for Criminal Contempt, and all was right with the world.

Authorities on New York's Long Island say Lindsay Lohan's father is accused of violating an order of protection by calling his estranged girlfriend.

Suffolk County prosecutors say Michael Lohan was arrested Monday on a misdemeanor charge of criminal contempt. They say the alleged phone call was made on Sunday morning. (Source)

This is precisely how we ensure that the universe is in order and that chaos has not overthrown the natural balance: If at any point there isn't at least one Lohan either in court or in jail, then kiss your ass goodbye, because the order of all beings has been thrown into madness. God bless you, Lohans, for being your crazy, self-entitled, fame-whoring selves.

We haven't covered too much about the Tiger Woods scandal because a media circus is one thing, but whatever it is that this thing has turned into is a complete Vulture 'N Whore Media Cirque du Soleil. At any rate, since no porn stars or prostitutes have come forth in the past day or so to give sordid details about how they, too, banged Tiger Woods -- Us Weekly decided to make their own story by hiring a handwriting expert to analyze Tiger Woods' signature.

"The writing is illegible, which indicates a strong need for privacy or a desire to hide some part of oneself from public view," says Sheila Lowe, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handwriting Analysis.

The capital letters, which are disproportionately taller than the lowercase letters, shows "his intense pride," Lowe says, adding that "he sees himself as intensely ambitious and larger than life."

Imberman also points how the "G" in Tiger is greatly disproportionate to the rest of the writing. She tells Us this "represents the search for sexual gratification and the acquisition of money. The writing is contracted rather than expanded, so most likely, Tiger looked to sex as a form of release, which is not the same as emotional involvement." (Source)

What did Us Weekly find like, the most obvious handwriting expert in the world? Any half-rate expert would have been to tell us which part of Tiger Woods' signature indicated that he liked putting his cars keys up his butt during sex. Amateurs.

After going on a big (by Twitter standards anyway) rant about Twitter, Chris Brown has shut down his account. I'm sure you must all be absolutely crushed, nay, DISMAYED at this tragic passing of Chris Brown's Twitter. Let's have a moment of silence...Better yet, let's just make fun of him even more by reading about how Walmart actually was carrying his CD and how he's a lying liar who tells lies.

"We are surprised at the comments online," read a statement released by the store today. "All Walmart stores nationwide have carried the CD since its release, including the Wallingford, [Conn.], store mentioned in the post. This store actually sold through its initial shipment over the weekend. The majority of our stores today are showing they do have copies available."

Anyway, earlier today, Brown signed off with this tweet: "I WANNA THANK MY FANS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT. I LOVE YALL. GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now when you click on his handle, @MechanicalDummy, all you get is "Sorry, that page doesn't exist." (Source)

Whoops! Guess Walmart actually IS carrying your CD. Well, accidents happen I suppose. Either that or you're just continuing to place the blame on other people for essentially running your career into the ground by being a violent, whiny douche. Although I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding, right?

Here's a list of the best Sci-Fi Flicks of the Aughts. The very first entry will make you shit bricks. (Pajiba)

Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga took part in a MAC Viva Glam ad, and I'm finding myself with fewer negative things to say about Gaga. (Celebitchy)

Taylor Swift celebrated her birthday by giving $250,000 to different schools around the country. In related news, I have something in my eye. (HollyWire)

Nicole Richie dyed her hair brown and it actually looks really good. What the hell? Why is everyone being all goody-two-shoes today? I need something to make fun of here! (CelebSmack)

Katy Perry decided to ring in the Holiday season by dressing up like a slutty Santa and looking like less of a slut than Paris did. (Yeeeah!)

San Francisco has dubbed the pandemic of abandoned Chihuahuas "Paris Hilton Syndrome", proving once and for all that Paris Hilton is the worst person ever. (Allie Is Wired)

Tiger Woods quits golf after realizing that he should have just stuck with putting his balls in 18 different holes. (The Blemish)

Just for shits and giggles here, but Hugh Jackman + Water - Shirt = I'll be in my bunk. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan tweeted about saving 40 children in India, which would have been much more heroic if she were actually in the country at the time. (Celebslam)

Here's Heather Graham at the DVD event for The Hangover. (usemycomputer)

And now for something completely different: Celebrity sex faces that will haunt your dreams. Enjoy! (Celeb Jihad)

It's official: Kourtney, the Jan Brady of the Kardashian family, finally had her baby. Sadly, she couldn't cash in on her expected child forever, but now that her baby finally decided to jailbreak it, Kourtney can now look forward to using her little guy for photo-ops, kiss-ass People magazine covers and reality TV shows. Circle of life...

Mason Dash Disick was born in LA, weighing seven pounds, six ounces and was 19 and a half inches long. He is the first child for Kourtney, 30, and Scott, 26, stars of E!'s Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami.

"I'm in a new chapter of my life," Kourtney told Life & Style at her Nov. 14 baby shower in LA. "It's fun!" Story developing! (Source)

So let's see now: Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend had the fake-ass shotgun wedding she used for ratings for her TV show, Kim had the slutty sex tape where some douchebag peed on her...Seriously, how is it that Kourtney can go on the record saying she only got pregnant after forgetting to take the pill and still come across as the least awful Kardashian?

Like a little kid on Christmas, we all knew this day was coming, but that doesn't mean I'm not literally jumping up and down with glee for this moment: Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi from MTV's magnum opus Jersey Shore said that their show is better than The Hills. Oh snap, this shit is SO on!

"We are better than The Hills," she told Usmagazine.com at Spike TV's Video Game Awards in Los Angeles Saturday. "It is all real."

Added Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley, 23, "We are not fake; we don't try to present ourselves like we are fake. We don't try to put ourselves in front of the cameras with the hair and the makeup. We tell everyone how we feel. We don't say anything behind their backs." (Source)

Is that not the greatest thing you've ever read? When people with names like Snookie and J-WOWW can call you out for being an annoying vapid trollop, you know you're screwed. To be fair though, when you consider that running your genitals over a cheese grater for an hour or jumping into a shark tank wearing a suit made of bacon is objectively better than The Hills, you're not exactly saying that much, huh?

Tara Reid is doing the January/February issue of Playboy, because she supposedly got all of her "Tijuana Special" plastic surgery fixed and has something to prove to the world. Oh, and I guess it goes without saying that she probably could use the cash, too.

"I got it fixed and now I'm OK, and I want people to know that I'm OK," she explained in a recent interview.

"I've been OK now for the last five or six years but people only show old pictures which is so unfair and that's part of the reason why I did the Playboy shoot - to show the world this is me and this is what I look like." (Source)

So there you have it. This is what Tara Reid really looks like. After a good scrubbing with a Brillo Pad and some OxiClean® and the work of a team of no less than a dozen skilled Photoshop artists, anyway. But hey, at least she doesn't have like, Frankenstein-bolts sticking out of her stomach anymore. Small victories, people.

Heidi Montag wrote a poem for her husband, Effeminate Caucasian Jon Gosselin, and posted it on my celebrity myspace page (because I guess some people still use myspace after all) and it is nothing short of AH-MAZING. It's like, an epic work of literature, and I don't think the full effect can be gotten without printing in its entirely, so here it is for your reading pleasure:

Spencer my love my heart my King
You are my world and my everything
I love you more than I could ever express
Especially when I have been such a mess
Every moment with you is beyond a blessing
2010 no more anxiety or stressing
All that matters in this universe is you
God has made us soul mates pure and true
Thank you for every detail you have done for me
You always go above and beyond and its always love I see
The moment I met you changed my world
Some would say it's been quite the swirl
I love every second of our lives together
With each other we cant get through any weather
I thank God for the miracle of you every day
I could never live life without you and I pray
That it's only going to get better all the time
All that matters in life is that you are mine
Thank you for loving and marring [sic] me
I know it has a lot to do with the higher powers to be
Know that I love you with everything I have
With you by my side it out weights [sic] all the bad
Sorry for ever not being the best wife
I am going to make it up to you my whole life
You are the most amazing, unique, special person to ever live
I thank Jesus that I was the one chosen for you to give
You [sic] positive love and light to me
Without you I would be so lost with no glee
Thank you for always taking such amazing care of me
You are the most selfless, loving, perfect, caring, miraculous soul to be
Every day I am in aw [sic] of you
All of you [sic] passions motives are always so pure and true
I feel bad for all the women in the world who don't have you [HA!]
But sorry ladies there is one and I don't share
Iron and iron we are quite the pair
I will work on pull my strength and weight
Your so strong and incredible, there is no weakness in you [sic] traits
I'll love you for all eternity
Working everyday diligently
On making you happy and loving every second of our flawless lives
Life is so precious and the most is the honor of being you [sic] wife
It doesn't matter where we go or what we do
All I want in life is to be with you
Whatever our blessed features hold
In it together we will laugh, love, and one day grow old
Thank you thank you for always loving me
Sometimes I know it's not that easy
But 2010 is the start of a new life
Like I said there will be no strife
All that matters is the time we get to spend
That's all that matters when it comes to the end
Mrs. Pratt is coming out to stay
Never will I go back to my old other ways
It's a new beginning and era of love
We will be flying so high like the doves
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
You and God are the only things true
Love for eternity is what is to come though [sic]

XO
Heidi

I actually managed to make it all the way through and now I'm on "sensory rhyming overload." It's like being forced to read the entire works of Dr. Suess in one sitting if Dr. Seuss had no imagination and the IQ of a toaster and wrote love sonnets to a gay man.

Update: I've taken the liberty of pointing out all of her spelling and grammatical errors, half of which stem from the fact that she doesn't know the difference between "you" and "your." Let me know if I've missed any in the comments.

Did you know Chris Brown had a new album out? No? And you totally don't give a shit either? That's what I thought. It probably doesn't help that stores are currently refusing to stock his latest album, Graffiti, after that whole "I violently beat my girlfriend and smashed her face into a car window" misunderstanding.

"im tired of this s--t. major stores r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers," he ranted on Twitter while at the store. "what the f--- do i gotta do...WTF... yeah i said it and i aint retracting s***. im not biting my tongue about s else... the industry can kiss my a--."

"They didn't even have my album in the back," Brown spit of the Walmart. "not on shelves, saw for myself. the manager told me that when there are new releases its mandatory to put em on the shelves.. BUT NO SIGN OF GRAFFITI." (Source)

No offense there buddy, but maybe it has something to do with Supply and Demand. Namely, that you beat the shit out of Rihanna, and now no one is DEMANDING your crappy album, so therefore, no one wants to SUPPLY it. That, or maybe it has something to do with the fugly-ass album cover where you look like you're about to wail on the viruses from Dr. Mario. Either one is a likely scenario really.

Kendra Wilkinson and her husband Hank Baskett welcomed a baby boy, Hank Baskett IV, weighing in at 9 lbs 5 oz. We here at Litelysalted would like to wish the couple our most sincere congratulations. And to little Hank Baskett Jr., while you may not be the smartest kid on the block, at least you'll be the most well fed. Plus, you know, how many other kids get to drink breast milk that tastes like Olive Garden? Score!

More Kendra's Fall photo shoot, because it's retardedly adorable:

Perez Hilton was named Hispanic of the Year by Hispanic magazine, despite, you know, not actually doing anything. Unless of course you count calling someone a faggot, initially making fun of Michael Jackson's death and being punched in the face for being a total douchewaffle as "things." Never mind that Sonia Sotomayor became the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, let's give it to the guy who draws cum stains on celebrities!

Jon Gosselin has been ordered by a judge to stop making media appearances after TLC won a preliminary injunction yesterday for their impending trial in which they will sue the living shit out of him. At the hearing, which Fat Asian Spencer Pratt couldn't be bothered to show up to, the network called his behavior "embarrassing" and that it clashed with the wholesome image of the show and network.

After Thursday's ruling, TLC issued the following statement: "The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one - getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations - has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order. We look forward to the next phase of the litigation, which is to pursue our claim for damages resulting from Mr. Gosselin's numerous breaches." (Source)

So basically, TLC has cut off any flow of income to Jon Gosselin by taking away his ability to whore himself out to tabloids and "Entertainment Tonight," and furthermore plan to take away all of the money that he has left. Damn, talk about some ruthless motherfuckers. I'm willing to bet that Duggar lady only decided to have her 26th or whatever baby after she woke up with a severed horse head in bed with her.

So as it turns out, there's now a video to go along with Lindsay Lohan's creepy ass photo shoot for Muse magazine, and it's...Something. Basically, it's three minutes of Lindsay Lohan writhing around with other anorexic cocaine addicts, smoking cigarettes and looking at the camera like the photographer just asked when Herbie Fully Loaded 2: In The Pants comes out. Say what you will, it's still less uncomfortable and embarrassing to watch than Labor Pains.

I like Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. I really do. They actually seem like a grounded couple and good parents. But damn if they don't make some ugly childrens. I took heat like a year ago when I remarked that Harlow was "unfortunate" looking, but COME ON. Clearly, I'm onto something here. It probably goes without saying, but when your kid bears a striking resemblance to "Pugsley" from the Addams Family it's best to avoid stripes.

Tila Tequila posted this video message on her website early Wednesday morning announcing that she's engaged to her cracked-out heiress girlfriend Casey Johnson, who suffers from the rare medical condition known as "uglititus of the face."

"This is exclusive and going to be all over the news tomorrow, but because I love you guys so much, we are giving you the exclusive first -- Tila army fans -- tonight, my girlfriend has asked me to marry her!"

She then flashed a ring, which she said is a "17-carat diamond ring from my baby. It's so fat you can't even see it! So yeah, my baby got me this 17-carat ring. My baby takes care of me. Beat that J.Lo! Beat that Khloe and Lamar! (Source)

I hate to say this, but if the Christians really want a legitimate argument against gay marriage, they probably aren't going to do much better than this, unless they finally figure out a way to put something in the water that would turn everyone into Fred Phelps.

Showing off her fake-ass diamond ring at Snoop Dog's album release party Tuesday night:

This is old news, but it's new to me anyway. For the bargain price of $14.95, you can own this David Hasselhoff holiday-themed poster with a personalized message. Uh-MHAZING.

"Why not send your loved one a nice picture of me," urges benevolent Hoff in an email to Hoffspace fans. "You choose the name and write the message (nothing too naughty!) and it will appear in an exact replica of my handwriting..." (Source)

An exact replica of his writing? And what, praytell, is David Hasselhoff doing that he's too busy to write an authentic personalized message to his fans? I'm sure he could pencil in some time between sitting around in his robe all day watching "Baywatch" reruns and slowly drinking himself to death every night.

Jessica Simpson, star of such hits as Dukes of Hazard and "Is This Chicken or Fish" and Billy Corgan, star of being one of the most influential musicians of the 1990's, are reportedly dating. I don't even know who is lowering themselves in this situation.

"She has fallen hard and is smitten," a source tells E! News of Jessica, adding that both she and 42-year-old Billy consider themselves "officially dating."

Reps for both have yet to return calls for comments, but another source close to Jess says her inner circle is not exactly whistling a happy tune when it comes to this rumored hookup...

"He's just another in an endless string of Jessica's boyfriends," says the source. "They think he's too old for her. No one takes any of her boyfriends seriously anymore because she has had so many. They're sick of all of them being 'the one.' " (Source)

I suppose the animal kingdom has seen stranger pairings. Like a gorilla and a kitten or a Golden Retriever and an elephant. But this ... This would be like a Golden Retriever and a ... I dunno, hairless albino bat. I'll let you figure out which one is which in that analogy.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to put her general boozing and whoring aside for a few days while she flies out to India to film a documentary for the BBC about the trafficking of women and children. Um, OK?

A source said: "Lindsay is trying to better herself and get away from her party girl image. She wants to be taken more seriously. "She is excited about escaping the drama of Los Angeles and doing something real."

The 23-year-old star is due to fly out of Los Angeles today (08.12.09) and will return on December 12, where she plans to continue her good deeds by teaming up with local hospitals to give toys to sick children. (Source)

Now this is just crazy. Since when does Linday Lohan of all people give a shit about sick kids? I think I see what's going on here, and if she thinks she's going to make a last minute attempt to get in good with Santa she's wasting her time. He looks at the whole year, dummy.

More of Lindsay in Muse, including her "Ye Gods!" ass shot:

Pop Quiz! You've been invited to give a musical performance for The Queen of England. Do you:
A) Perform a gentle piano ballad
B) Perform the standard rock concert thing
C) Dress up like a psychotic five year old in mommy's wardrobe and pretend to commit suicide onstage?

Monday night (07Dec09), but she had to change her plans following a stern warning from organisers.

She says, "I wanted to do the suicide scene I did at the MTV Awards but I was told it wouldn't be appropriate. And not only has that been vetoed, but I have had to tone down my act generally."
 
Lady Gaga settled on a less provocative show, which saw her don a full-length red rubber outfit while she played a piano suspended in the air on giant stilts. (Source)

Oh Lady Gaga, what are we going to do with you? You know you can't just go about pretending to off yourself willy-nilly! Unless you're that guy from Harold and Maude, and even then you should only do it for shits and giggles instead of for The Queen of Fucking England. Well, just be thankful this time she didn't decide to dress like a giant tampon with a bunch of Fozzie Bears and Miss Piggies stapled to her outfit.

"Transylmania is the perfect movie for the holiday season...If you have completely lost the will to live!" (Pajiba)

Proving once again that she is the picture of class and elegance, St. Tila Tequila claims that Rihanna is sleeping around giving everyone herpes. That's class with a capital 'K'. (Yeeeah!)

And speaking of Kuh-lassay girls, the Kardashian sisters hyped the return of their show with lingerie pictures, and the results are about as sexy as you would think. (The Blemish)

Well this sucks: Rivers Cuomo was injured in a bus crash. Hopefully he'll use that time to Keep Fishin'! ...Shut up, I love that song. (Seriously? OMG!)

Amy Adams is pregnant with her first child. That's how you knoooooooow you're preggers. (Celebitchy)

Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw...Raise you're hand if you HAVEN'T fucked Tiger Woods...Really? No one? (Celebslam)

Here's Jake Gyllenhall with a tramp stamp. In related news, sorry ladies. Better luck next time. (HollyWire)

Lindsay Lohan shows off the two droopy tangerines she calls an ass in Muse Magazine. (CelebSmack)

Emmanuelle Cirqui, that girl who was in that thing, went and did that thing at that thing for that thing. Thing. (usemycomputer)

Hermione shows what can only be described as, like, a 1/4 of an inch of nipple while on vacation. EVERYBODY MORAL PANIC. (Allie Is Wired)

Kristen Stewart does some actressin', and looks pretty sexy doing it, in her new movie. (Celeb Jihad)

Incredibly enough, Paris Hilton has managed to do what Ebenezer Scrooge, The Grinch, Oogie Boogie and literally every single goddamn villain in cartoon history has failed to do: The bitch has ruined Christmas. And all she had to do was fuck Santa, all nine reindeer, and every single elf in The North Pole. Unless you're planning on leaving out penicillin and cookies this year, Christmas (and Santa's junk) is ruined for ever. Ho, ho, (Filthy Fucking W)ho(re).

Ron Livingston from Office Space and, uh, other stuff, is suing an online "hacker" who keeps changing his wikipedia page to say that he's gay for libel, invasion of privacy and using his image without prior permission.

The 42 year old, who is married to Rosemarie DeWitt, filed suit at Los Angeles County Superior Court on Friday alleging a "malicious" hacker is continually breaking into his information page on the website.

The papers reveal the online joker - who is not named in the documents - has allegedly published claims the star is in a relationship with a man named Lee Dennison, and created a false profile on social networking site Facebook.com, which again suggests the actor is homosexual. (Source)

Oh big wow, like being called gay is the worst thing in the world. It's not like anyone is accusing him of being a racist or a Nazi or a Scientologist or anything. Plus you know, the guy is married so whatever. The only reason I could see this being a serious issue is if Ron Livingston really is gay and his marriage is a sham and this hacker guy is totally blowing his cover. Not that I'm jumping to any conclusions here or anything, because I don't want to get the holy living shit sued out of me by Ron Livingston.

Normally if I read a story about Lindsay Lohan banging Jason Segel I'd dismiss it, because at one time or another Lindsay Lohan has been linked to every leading man in Hollywood other than "Buddy the Dog" from those Air Bud movies. And maybe even him. But Lindsay was actually photographed leaving Segel's home early Saturday morning, one hour after he left the premises. Yeah, that almost tricked the paps. She twittered:

haha*now..a meeting at a coworkers home has turned into a new love interest! It's absurd! @least I'm laughing @the rediculous manifestations

Yeah, nice save, but I think the idea of Jason Segel working with Lindsay Lohan is just slightly more nauseating than him sleeping with her. Either way this makes me sad. Jason Segel is supposed to be a super cool guy. My roommate even interviewed him a few months back and even confirmed this. At the time he asked me if I had any questions for Jason and I didn't, but looking back I wish I would have asked him to ask: "WHY IS FUTURE YOU GOING TO BANG LINDSAY LOHAN." If hindsight is 20/20 than foresight has got to be at least like, 50/50.

I absolutely refuse to write another story about where Tiger Woods' dick has been or how his wife is totes mcgotes crazy, so instead, here's something different: Adult Entertainer Diesel Washington was kicked out of WEHO club HERE (Apparently, they're big fans of CAPITAL LETTERS down there) last weekend because people were complaining he smelled bad. Ouch.

What made matters worse......I detected that the Weho crowd is alittle different, so before I was asked to leave, I hit up the bathroom and washed up and sprayed on that pretty smelling shit(which burns my under arms)just to fit in. NEVER AGAIN!!

Oh and the fact that I was dancing for about 2hours on the dance floor counts for nothing I guess???? It's not like I came in smelling stinky and thats that!!!! (Source)

Really? Was he walking around the club with little clouds of dirt coming off him like Pigpen from Peanuts? Well, cologne is for douchebags anyway. And as sucky as that was, at least it's not as embarrassing as getting escorted by the police out of T.G.I.Friday's for getting into a drunken knife-fight with your mother after she calls you a filthy prostitute. Not that I would know anything about that.

In an unforeseen turn of events, Candy Spelling and Tori Spelling have reportedly reconciled, ending their years-long feud in which the two have basically accused each other of everything but literally being Hitler.

"We have been communicating," the elder Spelling said during an interview at Spelling Manor, her palatial L.A. home. "And we've taken it to a place that I'm very very pleased with." (Source)

Whatever. I don't buy this shit for a second. It's only a matter of time before one of them says something passive-aggressively assy about the other one to Us Magazine and then the gloves are off again. I could see the Palestinians and Israelis turning the Gaza Strip into a big amusement park and then letting all their children play there together before I see Candy and Tori Spelling not hating each others rotten guts.

Miley Cyrus, who just turned 17 by the way, took a break from her latest tour to lounge around Miami yesterday and oh yeah, GET AN UNDER-THE-TITTY TATTOO. The tattoo says "just breathe" in cursive writing, and if I forgot to mention, is directly underneath her left tit. If you're wondering what kind of parent lets their teenage daughter get an under-the-titty tattoo, well, clearly the Cyruses have demonstrated many times over that they are the kind of parents that would sell their children into sex slavery. But to be fair to parents in poor Asian countries who sell their children into sex slavery probably because they need to eat, Billy Ray just wanted a solid gold, diamond-encrusted cowboy hat.

Pop Quiz! How many of her own songs has Beyonce actually written instead of just slapping her name on? If you guessed "Not a single fucking one of them", congratulations! You've figured out why the girls of Destiny's Child are being taken to court. As it turns out, people aren't too happy about Beyonce getting credit for not actually doing any work, and former bandmate Kelly Rowland thinks that Beyonce can go suck a fuck for all she cares.

We hear the singer is furious that she and former DC cohorts Beyoncé and Michelle Williams have to head to Chicago on Tuesday to face a copyright-infringement lawsuit for their song "Cater 2 U." The reason for her anger, besides the obvious? According to a source, Rowland blames the legal mess on Beyoncé's father - and his tactics for lining his daughter's pockets with cash.

"Kelly isn't happy having to fight these allegations," continues the source. "She feels as though this is just another mess that Matthew got them into while only trying to serve the sole interest of his daughter." (Source)

This is fantastic: A list of The Best TV Shows of the Aughts (Pajiba) and a list of The Worst (Also Pajiba)

And while we're at it, The Grammys Nominees were announced last night, and they liked Beyonce, so I'm assuming they put a ring on it. (Yeeeah!)

Well it's nice to see ABC continuing on with their "Blackball Adam Lambert Like The Worthless Hypocrites They Are Tour '09". (The Blemish)

If Elmo is devouring Tyra Banks, does that still count as cannibalism? (Seriously? OMG!)

Lily Allen is reportedly taking a year or two off of the music biz, which means you can kiss Lily Allen Watch '10 goodbye. (Celebitchy)

Rachel Bilson, the poor, stupid man's Mila Kunis, had a nude sex scene in a movie. Oh joy. (Celeb Jihad)

St. Tila Tequila isn't a very good stripper, but she IS very good at being an insufferable bitch! (BricksandStones)

Apparently, Katy Perry is way less annoying if you just stare at her tits and don't actually listen to anything she says. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears is in Elle this month wearing the fugliest fucking jacket in the entire goddamn world. (POTP)

Oh joy, Captain Syphilis is fucking someone new this week. I know, shocker. (Superior Gossip)

Oh, now here's an idea which is definitely not stupid at all. Sources have confirmed that Hulk Hogan is engaged to his daughter's lookalike girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, just four months after his messy, messy divorce was finalized with ex Linda Hogan.

While at LAX airport on Tuesday, Hogan pointed out the massive diamond ring on McDaniel's engagement finger to photographers. "Check that left hand out," Hogan, 56, told TMZ.com. "That could be the new Mrs. Hogan." (Source)

To be fair, pretty much anything could be the new "Mrs. Hogan" as long as it was the size of a linebacker with blonde hair, orange skin and fake tits. So yeah, until Florida legalizes marrying your own daughter, I guess Jennifer McDaniel is as good of a new Mrs. Hogan as anything.

After cancelling his "Good Morning America" performance last week, ABC has put the kibosh on two more of Adam Lambert's performances, both on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" and Dick Clark's New Years Eve show with Ryan Seacrest. Which is smart, because Adam Lambert is only one of the most hyped performers in the music industry right now. Lambert tweeted last night:

Yes, sadly friends, ABC has cancelled my appearances on Kimmel and NYE. :( don't blame them. It's the FCC heat.

I AM doing Leno though. And lookin into something for NYE. It'll all blow over. Let's focus on being positive! :) (Source)

Ooh, uh, "Leno," huh? I guess that's one way of taking lemons and making lemonade. Or taking a big-chinned unfunny hack who's writers clearly hate him and making ... I don't know. Something that's not terrible. Seriously though if ABC thinks a little guy-on-guy kissing and simulated fellatio is the gayest thing that ever happened on their network they should reevaluate their own programming. "Dancing With the Stars" is so gay even most gay people won't watch it.

I never thought I'd ever have reason to write about Meredith Baxter-Birney, however in a bizarre twist of events, the "Family Ties" matriarch has suddenly become relevant since she came out of the closet at age 62 -- exclamation points!!! Baxter has been married (to men) a whopping three times and has five grown children, but has been in a relationship with a 54-year-old contractor named Nancy Locke for the past four years.

Huh. I wonder what Alex and Mallory would have to say about this. And the big-boned blonde daughter. And that other kid, whats-his-face. Although whats-his-face is probably still too busy trying to figure out how he aged like six years over a three month period that time back in the 80's.

Playboy model and "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Joanna Krupa is the latest spokeswhore to get naked for PETA, because I can see how that's really a big stretch from her usual job of being a nude model. Seriously though: "Be an Angel for Animals, Never Buy, Always Adopt." Sure. I can get behind that. But why is the angel naked again? How does that fit into the equation? And more importantly, WHY IS THE NAKED ANGEL STEPPING ON THAT POOR DOG'S HEAD? This is one of those cases where I would say "Someone should call PETA!" except, you know, obviously.

Justin Timberlake had to grow his hair out all wavy for his new movie The Social Network, in which he plays Facebook co-founder Sean Parker. But everybody knows that's what he looked like in his Pop N' Lock days, so let's all point and laugh at him. What are you gonna do next, Justin? Have sex with Britney Spears and prepare for Y2K? Oh no! The computers of the world don't understand how to roll over to the next year! We're all gonna die!

Well this explains a hell of a lot. Adam Lambert told "Morning Jolt's" Larry Flick on Sirius that he had an "ugly duckling" complex when he was in his teens and early twenties weighing in at 250 pounds, and as a result had body issues. I have no idea how tall Adam Lambert is, so he may not have been that huge. Still though, I've always noticed something funny about the guy. He kind of has this Elvis Presley thing going on, if Elvis Presley was flamboyantly gay instead of just plain flamboyant. Like, somewhere between Skinny Elvis and Crazy Fat Elvis. All I know is that he better steer clear of those Peanut Butter and Bacon sandwiches. Morbidly obese toilet deaths don't just happen by themselves, you know.

On CBS's "Early Show" last week:

If ever there were two people whose genitals should stay as far away from each other as humanely possible, it's Heidi and Spencer. Personally, I don't see how they could even conceive a baby anyway, since Spencer has the dick of a baby hamster and Heidi's vadge probably contains some sort of corrosive acid that would melt anything it comes into contact with, but apparently Spencer's worried that Heidi is trying to get knocked up.

"There's a chance that I'm about to be Pratt Daddy for real," he tells Jenner, noting that he found a pregnancy test in the trash.

"It's like a sperm kidnapping," Pratt complains. "Like hijacking sperm!" (Source)

Well now that's just great. The thought of these two crapping out some byproduct of their unholy union, let alone fucking, just rendered me sterile. Honestly, that shit is enough to convince your body to never create life ever. Ick. Remember kids: Always remember to have your idiots spayed or neutered.

Normally, this is where Stacey would post pictures of her adorable little Cat to apologize, but since I don't have one (because I'm allergic), here's something equally fun to look at: Chris Rockway: