The good folks at Pajiba take a crack at predicting the best movies of 2010. (Pajiba)

Nicole "Human Xylophone" Richie says that she was never anorexic, which is sort of like saying that Amy Winehouse was never drunk. (Yeeeah!)

Jay Leno was on Oprah yesterday, and he basically told him that everyone hates him and thinks he's a piece of shit, so HA! (The Blemish)

Matthew McConaughey was on the beach again, and for once, he wasn't shirtless. WHA?! (Seriously? OMG!)

Did Gerard Butler fuck a CGI Dragon from his new movie? Probably not, but look how pretty he is! (Celebitchy)

Ha ha, Paris Hilton tried to talk to Harvey Weinstein at Sundance and got denied in front of fucking EVERYONE. (Celebslam)

The second Sex and the City movie isn't even out yet and the third movie is already in production. Because of fucking course it is. (HollyWire)

Betty White looks fucking fierce as hell in a zebra embroidered sweater and a kitten handbag. (CelebSmack)

Oh my God, here's Zooey Deschanel looking all totally super cute. (usemycomputer)

Mila Kunis' mile-long legs are in GQ, and they still look pretty amazing. (Celeb Jihad)

Who wore it better? Heidi Klum or Jennifer Lopez? (Allie Is Wired)

Lauren Conrad sat down with Entertainment Weekly to pimp out her new book (how's that for a kick in the literary balls?) and to talk about all her favourite books. She talked about how much she loved Chelsea Handler's books, and in doing so pretty much proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only can she not read or write, she can barely even form coherent thoughts.

"I love Chelsea Handler. I've read both of her books, and she has another one coming out soon that I'm looking forward to. I'm a fan of hers. I think she's very funny. She lacks a filter, which I really admire. I find her very entertaining. I really liked reading her books. She's really good at having her personality come across in her writing. It was like she was telling the story herself. You could hear her voice in there." (Source)

First off, why does Lauren Conrad speak like a sixth grader giving a report on what she read over summer break? And second, the reason you can really hear Chelsea Handler's voice is because she actually writes her own books. You know, writing? That thing where you tap the little letters on the keyboard and words magically appear? Christ, I wouldn't be surprised if she needs someone to ghost-write her own name for her.

Even though he has reportedly moved on to Jon Gosselin's scraps, former Star reporter Kate Major -- Michael Lohan was arrested yesterday for violating a restraining order against his ex, Erin Muller, by calling her at work.

Joan Eames, Public Information officer at Nassau County Police Department confirmed Lohan's arrest. Going on to say he was arrested for, "Criminal contempt of his Order of Protection."

Lohan tells RadarOnline.com "Erin lied and pressed charges. She is being arrested again in NY City and Nassau County 2nd Precinct." "Erin said I called her but she lied because she heard I was in Costa Rica instead. I have proof and she doesn't." Going on to claim, "Her lawyer asked for money to drop the charges. How is it that I have proof and she doesn't?" (Source)

Michael Lohan racks up restraining orders like speeding tickets, so for some reason I'm less inclined to believe his side of the story. Anyway, how would she not have "proof?" It's called a phone record, you jackass. Coupled with the fact that I'm almost positive Michael Lohan can't afford a trip to Costa Rica, I'd say this is what people in the law business refer to as "case closed."

Remember that girl in high school who was really hot and totally knew it, so she walked around every day in fuck me pumps and skintight clothing to show it off, and she would occasionally drop a fake-ass line about how fat she was so that people would chime in with comments about how pretty she was? Well, give that girl a couple years, a reality TV series and an ass the size of a Volkswagon Beetle and you've got Kim Kardashian.

"At a photo shoot w @NickSaglimbeni HOT HOT HOT! Not even retouched yet!," she tweeted Wednesday with a series of pictures of herself in a tiger-print bikini.

Then, in an assymetrical purple cut-out suit, "Another sneak peack from my shoot! Love this Brian Lichtenberg swim suit! SUPER SEXY & EDGY!" (Source)

Oh good for you! Well I'll tell you what missy, some of us need a little shopping here and there to make it work, okay? You have any idea how hard it is to get giant-ass Matthew Rush arms? It's not possible; He's actually a friggin' robot (Note: No, not really.) So yes, please stop rubbing your "My body was photoshopped by God himself!" shit in our faces. Also, your sex tape? It was awful!

Here's another shot of her in a bikini, just in case you want to give yourself a complex here:

Tila Tequila, whose latest twitter ramblings refer to herself as "Mommy T" and allege that she's knocked up with the baby of some mystery man, was seen out shopping at a childrens store yesterday wearing a fake blonde wig and carrying around a baby doll. Nice try, now let's see you do that with an egg or a sack of flour like we used to have to in health class.

But anyway, it's really all inconsequential because spoiler alert: there's no baby growing in Tila Tequila's nuclear wasteland of a womb. She's just pants-shittingly insane. Even Britney Spears didn't hold a candle to this bitch in her head-shavingest, umbrella-wieldingest, Adnan-bangingest days. At least you kind of felt bad for Britney though. With Tila I just want her to go attempt swimming in the shallow end of the pool.

Apparently, the hacked Twitter account has more or less replaced the hacked PDA as the new go to for celebrity pranking. Case in point: Katy Perry's Twitter account got hacked by her producer, Dr. Luke, who left dirty Tweets on her timeline. And by "hacked", I mean she left it wide open on her computer for all to see and he just typed random shit on it.

The I Kissed A Girl hitmaker was stunned when she discovered Lukasz Gottwald, also known as Dr. Luke, logged onto her page and wrote obscene comments for all her friends and fans to see. One post read, "Is it normal to have the recurrent rash with blisters on my vagina???" while another said, "Oops I cr**ped my pants! It's messy. What should I do?"
 

After realising she'd been pranked, Perry blasted the songwriter, writing, "Hey stop! I leave my computer for one second. Stop hacking my Twitter." (Source)

No offense to Katy, but she kinda had it coming. Leaving your Twitter account open when people are around is like falling asleep at a frat party next to a box of markers. It's like my mother always said, "If you're fucking stupid enough to slip yourself your own roofie, don't come crying to me when you get fucked."

Oh boy, the future of Hollywood? Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus. Kill yourself. (Pajiba)

Kate Moss apparently washes her hair with cocaine or something because the bitch is starting to go grey. (Yeeeah!)

Pink made something of a veiled dig at Beyonce during a recent concert gig, which means it is SO on. (The Blemish)

The stars of When In Rome were laughing at something, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't their movie. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh. FUCK. No. If Joe Francis is the father of Tila Tequila's fake baby, I will kill myself. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, Selena Gomez is sleeping (SLEEPING sleeping) with a girl who isn't Demi Lovato.(Celeb Jihad)

What? Zelda Rubinstein died? Aw, what the fuck? (BricksandStones)

Joan Jett told Kristen Stweart to have sex with her guitar and yeah you've already clicked the link haven't you? (Agent Bedhead)

Ha ha, Jessica Simpson farted during a board meeting. Teeheehee. (POTP)

Remember that big stupid truck Heidi and Spencer bought that I was totally certain they would end up totaling in some sort of drunk/stupidity-related accident? Well, as it turns out I was pretty close: Spencer got pulled over by the police for not having required mudflaps or insurance documentation. All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heidi Montag's other half was pulled over by the LAPD last night because his monster truck lacked mud flaps -- which are required on massive rides so mud and debris doesn't get shot back at other vehicles.

During the stop -- in which Spencer invited the cops to go clubbing with him -- the officers nailed Spencer for not having proof of insurance.

Spencer was eventually sent on his way with merely a fix-it ticket, which requires him to get his vehicle up to code by March 15. (Source)

Aw, way to drop the ball, LAPD. Here you are with the opportunity to beat Spencer Pratt to death with nightsticks and the best you can do is give him a ticket? Not even a real ticket, but a stern warning? Come on, this is the reason they give officers guns: Just in case they ever wander into some worthless D-Bag with a creepy flesh-coloured pedo-beard and a dorky car.

Look here: I have a sixteen year old brother, and I love him to death, but you better believe if I ever caught him smoking I would beat him like a rented mule. However, Taylor Momsen is not my sibling, and is in fact a total C-U-Next-Tuesday. In fact, I fully approve of Taylor Momsen smoking, if only because the idea of her not existing anymore makes me happy. I'm not a bad person, but if you're basically going to tell Haiti to fuck off while plugging your shitty TV show and perfume, then, well, dying horribly might be a good move for your career. What I'm trying to say is, please die in a fire Taylor Momsen. (H/T to Gawker)

Since 32-year-olds don't usually go dropping dead for no reason, like most people I assumed that what killed Brittany Murphy was "drugs." Not so -- alleges Brittany Murphy's fat, disgusting, loser slob of a husband Simon Monjack. What really killed her was getting fired from Happy Feet 2. And now he's suing for wrongful death. Naturally.

Two weeks prior to Murphy's sudden death on Dec. 20 at age 32, the studio fired her from the sequel to the animated smash Happy Feet, where she was to reprise the role of penguin Gloria. "She was devastated," Monjack tells the Daily Beast's Gerald Posner. "They killed her."

"It's a cruel town," Monjack says of Hollywood."You're disposable as an actress or actor." He is unapologetic about his plans to sue. "I am tough. I litigate when somebody does something wrong to me. That's one of the reasons I make enemies." (Source)

Being that Brittany Murphy's official cause of death has yet to be released from the coroner, I think that blaming not getting to be in the sequel of a second rate childrens animated feature is a bit premature. You could just as easily say that she woke up one morning and realized she was married to that guy, and her poor little heart just couldn't take it. Still, pretty sure was drugs.

If you're tired of every single goddamn d-list celebrity with a pair of silicone sweater melons and a marketable image throwing out some Eau de Skank bullshit, well, you're not alone, because John Mayer hates it too.

But he insists he would never try to turn a profit by selling fans his own fragrance.
He says, "I've always just been stupidly curious about stuff; I'm not diversifying in terms of selling anything. I'm not selling 'John Mayer: the cologne'. If I did it would just smell like sausage and sleep. I don't look at my fans and think, 'Wow, they really like what I do musically. Imagine if I could get 60 more dollars out of them!' Who out there really goes, 'You know what, I just f**king love perfumes. I always have since I was a kid. If I weren't a pop singer, I'd be a perfumier...' (sic)? At some point I may turn into an a**hole, but right now I just peddle a CD for 15 dollars every two years." (Source)

Okay, I admit that I still think that John Mayer is kind of a total douchebag (oh come on, he plays the acoustic guitar), but even I think he has a point. Seriously, who the fuck wants to spend $60 to smell like a hooker with a false sense of entitlement? If you're gonna make a perfume? Bacon, white wine and spaghetti. None of that sandalwood bullshit. If I wanted to smell like a goddamn forest, I'd go fuck a tree or something.

Pajiba takes a crack at predicting the worst movies of 2010, and quite frankly, I think they're gonna have to add on even more movies by year's end. (Pajiba)

Michelle Trachtenberg, the Scrappy Doo of Whedonites, cleans up pretty good in Complex Magazine. (Yeeeah!)

Haha, Brooke Hogan's white trash boyfriend with the stupid white trash name dumped her ass. (The Blemish)

If his suit is any indication, Joe Jonas will now perform at children's birthday parties. (Seriously? OMG!)

Elizabeth Edwards got sick of John Edward's shit and dumped his ass for cheating on her while she had cancer then having a baby with the other woman. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, the whore from Jersey Shore who loves ham has titty pics on the web. Damn, took 'em long enough. (Celebslam)

Oh em GLEE! Jane Lynch is totally getting married to her doctor girlfriend which makes me totally happy in the soul. (HollyWire)

Seriously, at seventy years old, Tina Turner has better legs than you could ever hope to have. (CelebSmack)

Aw snap, it's Keri Russel y'all! (usemycomputer)

Oh joy, another day, another completely made up Star Magazine cover about Brad/Jen/Angelina. (popbytes)

Katie Holmes converted to Islam or something. (Celeb Jihad)

Hugh Jackman recorded a spot on Sesame Street where he teaches kids about the word Concentrate, and all I can concentrate on is the fact that I want to wrap myself around his face like one of those creepy little hatchlings from Alien. No offense to you straight ladies out there, but no straight man is allowed to be that gorgeous. I know it seems wrong to sexualize him when he's on a kids show, but it's his own damn fault for being charming and sexy and wearing a tight shirt and having that accent and oh dear my pants just melted off.

Jenny McCarthy, who hasn't done anything crazy in forever and therefore has pretty much fallen off the face of the Earth, had decided that she would totally jump Jesus Christ's holy bones because she likes his beard. Ummmmm...Gross.

Writing on twitter, Jenny said: "I'm looking at a picture of Jesus on the wall. I would have totally dated Jesus. Love that beard. Too bad he's dead."

When some followers on the micro-blogging website took offense to the suggestion that Jesus was not alive, she added: "OK, OK my friends. I know Jesus is not dead. I'm saying that the fact his body has 'risen from the dead' makes him un-datable." (Source)

Hey, Jesus was a great guy. You know, turned water to wine, fed a bunch of people with bread and fish, was the son of God (depending on what you believe anyway), but I don't know...dating material? Not so much. Call me ol' fashioned, but I have a strict "No fucking omnipotent creators of all being" rule. Unless it's that muscley Hindu god with all the arms. Oh shut up, you totally know you would.

Despite previous reports that came from Heidi Montag herself, Heidi Montag now says that her mom is OK with her mangled plastic face and that for Mother's Day she plans on giving her the gift of plastic herself.

[The Hills] star tells Nightline that her mother was aware of her plan. "I've had this conversation with her several times. So I think she knew," she says. "I already heard what she had to say."

Montag says the only thing she didn't tell her mother was the date of her surgery because "I didn't want it to be a circus. And I didn't want it to be crazy media outside my house."

Montag says her mother wants surgery next. "Actually, she was excited for me and she's asking me ... for her surgery next," says Montag. "So for Mother's Day, I have to ask [surgeon] Dr. Frank Ryan if he'll do the mommy makeover." (Source)

Call me old fashioned, but when I hear the term "mommy makeover," I think maybe a day at the spa followed by a trip to J. Jill. But hey, on the plus side at least maybe they'll look like they're related again. Or that they lived too close to a power plant. Either way, a small price to pay for non-degradable beauty.

Kevin Federline, who has recently reportedly slimmed down thanks to a stint on VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club," says that he became "K Fat" in the first place thanks in part if his high-profile divorce with Britney Spears.

"Everybody knows what happened with me and Brit," he says. "I'm not going to say that's the total cause of it but, I mean, just not being happy with myself was probably the main part of my depression."

"I think as time goes on, it keeps getting better and better and better," he tells Access Hollywood. "I mean, I'm really happy the way that my life is going right now, I really am. I think, you know, I have come a long way. All of us have...my whole family. It's gotten so much better from where we were." (Source)

That divorce must have been very traumatic for him, especially the part where he got millions of her dollars in the divorce settlement, and how else do you expect a guy to deal with his sorrows other than with chicken-fried Filet Mignon, Triple Cream Brie cheese fries and an entire swimming pool filled with Chunky Monkey? Oh right, whores. There were plenty of whores too. Don't worry though, it was all part of the grieving process.

Tila Tequila, who I honestly believe may very well be the inspiration for eugenics, is apparently pregnant again or something, which is like the fourth time she's been knocked up in two months, and now she says that she's quitting the biz, which is funny because usually you have to actually have a job in order to quit but hey, what do I know right?

Thats why I am quitting the business. Thats why I am giving my "FAME" to my artists now. I want 2 help them. They can have the "FAME"

You want Tila Tequila to go away? Well ur wishes have come true & so have mine! My LIFE is now all for my Angel [...]

GOODBYE HOLLYWOOD! I WILL MISS YOU! BUT I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE 2 DO NOW! [...] GOD BLESS U ALL! xoxox (Source)

You know, this might be a stupid question and all, but seriously? What does Tila Tequila even do anymore? I know she used to have some crappy reality dating show where she chose the person most compatible with her by making them eat bull penis (No, really), but unless smoking crystal meth, Twittering and being a vapid worthless famewhore counts as a job, I think Tila Tequila might be shit out of luck on that whole "quitting" thing.

Here's the trailer for Blood into Wine, the documentary about Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan's wine business. (Pajiba)

Natalie Portman continues her "Shit All Over My Goodwill" Tour of '09 by being a filthy homewrecker. (Yeeeah!)

Here is Karin Dreijer from Fever Ray giving the weirdest acceptance speech EVER. (The Blemish)

Come for the awkward weatherman, stay because he makes a reference to his schlong. (Seriously? OMG!)

Gasp, Tila Tequila says she's pregnant...for the fourth time. In the space of, like, two months. All I can say is, ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! I am just awful. (Celebitchy)

Chelsea Handler split with her boyfriend who also happens to be her boss. (BricksandStones)

While I'm looking forward to the Spiderman reboot the same way I'm looking forward to a root canal, the casting of Joseph Gordon-Levitt does make me happy. (Agent Bedhead)

It's Kanye West in the battle of Douche v. Douche with PETA. (POTP)

Kourtney Kardashian, the one with the crotch fruit that she never actually intended on keeping, is currently totally pissy because OK! Magazine decided to photoshop her to make her look thinner for their magazine cover. Yeah, what a shame, you look slightly prettier for all the world to see. My heart bleeds for you, honey.

OK! hawks "Kourtney's Body After Baby Exclusive" on its cover--but Kourtney Kardashian says she never spoke to the magazine or posed for the heavily Photoshopped photo.

"One of those weeklies got it wrong again...they didn't have an exclusive with me. And I gained 40 pounds while pregs, not 26...But thanks!," she tweeted. (Source)

Whaaaaaa, poor you. But seriously, what did you expect here? It's OK! Magazine here, just be thankful they didn't photoshop you next to Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster and a unicorn with the headline "Which Of These Is The Father? We Find Out!" What I'm saying is, just be thankful you got a taste of bullshit instead of a full-blown pile of it.

Yes, it has been an entire goddamn year since Nadya "Octomom" Suleman rose to fame by having eight kids and doing literally nothing else. Octomom celebrated the one year anniversary of the arrival of her fame- I mean kids, by throwing her little cash cows a birthday party, despite the fact that she probably can't even remember their names.

To publicize their first birthday, the six boys and two girls from La Habra, Calif. appear in a photo dated Jan. 24 surrounded by balloons and a giant chocolate cake.

Suleman told Star magazine that the real party, on Jan. 26, will be a lot more low key - eight tiny cakes for eight tiny tots. (Source)

Awwwww, look how cute they are with their little cake! They probably have no idea that their mom was raising them on food stamps and disability checks. Seriously, if you're gonna have eight kids, get a goddamn job. At least Jon & Kate and the freaking Duggard Family have TV deals on TLC, or as I like to call it, The Only Channel Where Your Vagina Can Literally Be A Clown Car.

Pam Anderson visited Rite Aid stores in Ardmore and Narbeth, Pennsylvania over the weekend to promote her new fragrances, Malibu and Malibu Nights. Personally, I'm offended that she neglected to stop at my local Rite Aid at the corner of 41st and Market in West Philadelphia. Unlike those yuppie assholes in those stupid yuppie towns, we could actually use a little "Malibu" in my neighborhood. Not the hepatitis though -- I'm fairly certain there's already enough of that going around.

While it's great to see so many people pitching in to help Haiti (except for Taylor Momsen, who we can all agree is gigantic C-U-Next-Tuesday), but sometimes you have to wonder what's going through some people's heads. Case in point: John Travolta is flying down to Haiti with food, relief supplies and four Scientology ministers. Haven't these people suffered enough?

John Travolta has landed his own jet in Haiti carrying relief supplies and a team including doctors and Scientology ministers.

The 55-year-old actor flew the Boeing 707 from Florida on Monday carrying 4 tons of ready-to-eat military rations and medical supplies for earthquake victims. (Source)

While I can appreciate bringing help directly down to Haiti yourself, ponder this for a moment: Let's say the average person weighs about 180 lbs. Now, for every Scientology minister on the plane, John Travolta left behind 180 lbs of food or medical equipment so that some douchebag can talk to survivors about how all their problems stem from Xenu blowing people up in a volcano and how the only way to be happy is to give their hoakey, made-up church all their money and eat lots of vitamins. Think about THAT one.

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian met President Obama yesterday as he honored the Los Angeles Lakers for winning the 2009 NBA championship, accompanying husband Lamar Odom to the event. Khloe Kardashian is probably the least deserving person on the face of the planet to meet President Obama, but on the plus side he probably had no idea who she actually was. I'm sure he was just wondering how that rouge Sasquatch wandered into the White House. It's like, what is Secret Service even for?

Tila Tequila had an interview with Radar Online, which is apparently the last gossip site on the web that hasn't figured out that she's a sociopathic prostitot, in which she talked about Heidi Montag's plastic surgery, basically saying that everything about her was fake. As opposed to Tila, who had a fake show, a fake pregnancy and a fake engagement until her fake fiance died and she had to show fake emotion.

"She's gone overboard...Her whole relationship is fake, her whole show is fake, her whole marriage is fake, everything about her is fake. So now it just makes sense that her whole face is fake."

"[Montag]'s sending out a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad message to other young girls out there who might look up to her. It's telling these girls, 'Don't feel good about yourself, get as much plastic surgery as you can.'" (Source)

Right ... Not that I don't think Heidi Montag was better off without the plastic surgery, or that The Hills is a piece of shit, but let's face it: Tila Tequila is what happens when a $10 sex doll becomes sentient and won't shut the fuck up about itself. The bitch probably has 'Made in China' stamped on her ass. All I'm saying is, at least Heidi is actually human, whereas I'm pretty sure Tila Tequila is just the world's dumbest Wishing Troll.

The SAG Awards were on last night, and thanks to Sandra Bullock, "Helpful White Lady" has replaced "Mentally Retarded" as the go-to role for Oscar-baiting. (Pajiba)

And of course, what would an awards show be without dresses! Dresses dresses DRESSES!!! (Yeeeah!)

Fact: Being P. Diddy's kid is the greatest thing in the entire goddamn world. (The Blemish)

Gerard Butler was kissing a woman who wasn't Jennifer Aniston. This is interesting.  (Seriously? OMG!)

Why thank you, Taylor Momsen, for reminding us all what a gigantic sack of crap you are. (Celebitchy)

Donatella Versace was topless at a beach and OH HOLY MOTHERFUCKING GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE. (Celebslam)

Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are reportedly feuding, which would be huge news if you happen to be 12 years old. (HollyWire)

Miley Cyrus has a new puppy and oh my God is it ever adorable. If I had ovaries, they would be crying right now. (CelebSmack)

Oh hey, Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini. Like we haven't seen that before. (usemycomputer)

Kirstie Alley's got into a Twitter fight with Joy Behar on Twitter. (Allie Is Wired)

In other Taylor Momsen news, the bitch dresses like a blind $5 dollar hooker. (Celeb Jihad)

Kristin Stewart and Dakota Fanning were at the Sundance premiere of The Runaways with their film counterparts, Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, and...um, when did Dakota Fanning grow up? She's a great actress, but every time I see her I want to give her a juice box and some "Lunchables." Seriously, in two years when she wins an Academy Award for playing a heroin junkie, I'll still just be seeing her as a goddamn fetus; albeit, a very rich and talented fetus.

So as it turns out, the hot gay guy from Big Brother (No, not that one, the other one...) has a sex tape out, and surprise! It's actually totally professional. Steven Daigle, who was creatively dubbed "The Hot Gay Cowboy" on Big Brother 10, has released a movie with Chi Chi Larue's Channel 1 Releasing, which is great since he will finally be in something that people will actually watch. Oh I kid, I kid.

"I didn't expect my life to take this path, but when I was presented with the opportunity, I dove in head first... literally," Steven told TMZ, which printed a lamely safe-for-work photo of him and two other men (one of whom has been identified as Jeremy Bilding; Steven wrote on Twitter, replying to porn star Josh Griffin, "So glad you were the one that broke me in, LOL," so he's apparently in the movie, too). (Source)

We go through so many crappy celeb sex tapes here that it's finally nice to see one with professional actors and camera work that doesn't look like an outtake of fucking Cloverfield. All I'm saying is, if you're going to make a sex tape, you might as well go full porno here instead of just leaking some crappy Blair Witch inspired piece of crap you recorded on a freaking iPhone.

Pop quiz! Your career has taken what can only be described as an absolutely FANTASTIC swan dive into the shit hole after you beat your (now ex-)girlfriend to a bloody pulp and proceeded to point the finger at absolutely everyone else but yourself. The best way to distance yourself from this is too:

A) Apologize, take some time off and think about what it is you did that turned you into a violent asshole.

B) Take time to go around, lecturing people about the effects of violence against women.

C) Pose alongside Jean Paul Gaultier while he's made up to look like you just beat the holy fucking shit out of him.

If you chose C, congratulations on being a gigantic fucking dipshit, Chris Brown!

Gary Coleman was arrested this weekend after law enforcement were called to a domestic disturbance call at his home in Utah. He's being held on $1,725 bail but is still in custody, probably because Gary Coleman doesn't have $1,725 since he sells AMWAY for a living.

Law enforcement in Santaquin, UT says they were called to Coleman's house for a domestic disturbance. They found no crime was committed, but he was was picked up because of a warrant stemming from a prior incident.

Monday morning update -- Gary Coleman is still in custody. On Sunday night, he had a hot dog, chili, and some vegetables for dinner. (Source)

I don't know, say what you will but Gary's situation doesn't sound all that bad. Heck, he's got a roof over his head and someplace to sleep and hot dogs and everything? This is probably the best thing that's happened to him since he got that part on that TV show when he was a kid. Oh, um ... Yeah. This is probably the best thing that has ever happened to Gary Coleman.

Because it's been like two weeks since we've heard Brangelina split rumors, conflicting reports are swirling that Brangelina destruction might be imminent. US Weekly's "Exhibit A" is the fact that they spent the weekend apart. Because of conflicting work engagements in separate cities. Dun, dun, DUN!

Pitt, 46, reunited with ex Jennifer Aniston at Friday's Hope for Haiti Now telethon in Los Angeles. Where was Jolie, 34? Halfway across the country in New York City reportedly shooting an upcoming Vanity Fair cover.

Pitt and Jolie - who have six kids together - haven't been photographed together since Jan. 2 when they shared a romantic dinner at the NYC French restaurant Le Perigord. (Source)

OK. First of all I would like to point out that the think tank over at Us Weekly thinks that New York City is "halfway across the country" from Los Angeles. Nice work there, Edward R. Murrow. Second of all, my boyfriend and I haven't been "photographed together" in almost a month either, since we were at a friend's birthday party. I don't think we're breaking up, although we did have a particularly enlivened argument because he used an oversized "Bed, Bath & Beyond" bag in the kitchen trash instead of a regular garbage bag. I mean come on! It doesn't even have ties on it. I guess I should have seen the warning signs of not being photographed together, though.
 

Here's a career assessment courtesy of Agent Bedhead for Brendan Fraser and his crappy fake hair. (Pajiba)

So on top of playing a whore and not remembering her lines, Mischa Barton also can't pay her rent. She's a real winner this one is, fellas. (Yeeeah!)

Tori Spelling leaves pictures of her and her husband half-naked for her kids to see. Classy. (The Blemish)

Miley Cyrus taught Joaquin Phoenix who Lady Gaga is. Imagine the Birds and the Bees talk, only acid. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jake Gyllenhaal is one of those guys who always needs a beard. I MEAN GIRLFRIEND. (Celebitchy)

Wow, Montel Williams is as great a father as he is a talk show host. Meaning he sucks donkey chode. (Celebslam)

A graphic novel based on Twilight? We all saw it coming, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.(HollyWire)

Katy Perry looks annoyingly adorable with an umbrella. (CelebSmack)

Laura Bingle in a bikini. I don't know who she is either, but hey: Bikini. (usemycomputer)

Hayden Panettiere (got it right that time!) wore a shirt that says "Fuck Cancer". Awesome. (Celeb Jihad)

There are naked pics of Madonna's boy toy floating around, and it's...actually pretty disappointing. (Allie Is Wired)

You know you're fucked when even your fans are willing to pay good money to punch you right in your stupid face, isn't that right Kim Kardashian? Okay, so granted it was a charity boxing match that she pretty much only agreed to so that she could use it on her crappy TV show, but still, even the people who like her want to sock her right in her botoxed mouth.

This Sunday on 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians,' Kim takes several blows to the face during a charity boxing match with a female fan.

"I've never been hit so hard," she says in the clip.

"The boxing match was crazy! I'm a little banged up today but all worth it for charity!!!," she tweeted after filming the match in November. (Source)

Actually, the entire thing is pretty damn entertaining, as the woman she's up against obviously has a lot rage she wants to take out on her, while Kim just sort of slaps her around while wearing a boxing uniform that she probably borrowed from Strawberry Shortcake. But don't feel too bad for Kim; God knows at this point she's used to taking a couple shots to the face.

One person who has stayed suspiciously quiet in the past week since Heidi Montag revealed her new inhuman plastic face and pontoon tits is husband Spencer Pratt -- who I expected to be flapping his maw to anyone who'd would listen that his wife is now more beautiful than Angelina Jolie, Olivia Munn and the Roman Goddess of Beauty put together. But finally, Spencer Pratt has broken his silence:

"Anytime I hinted that it might be a little much or if I just asked if she was sure, I even felt like I was crossing lines," he told PEOPLE. "I'm not in charge of what she does with any part of her body. I'm her husband - not her owner."

To Pratt, his wife of a year was perfect to begin with. "But everyone sees themselves differently when they look in the mirror," he says. "Nobody truly understands how she feels except her. I may not be okay with things, but it's not my call." (Source)

I always figured Spencer to be the kind of guy who picked out Heidi's clothes for her, so this actually gives me an iota of respect for him. (Did I just say I respected Spencer Pratt? Kill me.) But seriously, dude. SER-I-OUS-LY. Sometimes it OK to step in and say, "Honey, you're making the biggest mistake of your goddamn life. Which is impressive considering that you married me." I joke, but honestly those before and after pictures make me genuinely fucking sad. Girlfriend is going to regret this someday, and it'll probably be long before she turns the age Michael Jackson was when his nose started to fall off his face.

Now that Lady Gaga is rich and famous and won't leave us the fuck alone, a video of her on one of those fake, crappy MTV reality shows called "The Boiling Point" is making the rounds, which features Gaga back in her guido days being abused by her waitress in order to win $100. Natually, she fails pretty miserably. HA!

The reality show puts unsuspecting subjects in irritating situations and awards them $100 if they stay cool and collected for the duration of the prank.

In this case several restaurant patrons, including Gaga, had their meals taken away before they were finished with them--then returned, covered in trash. The goal was to make it through 14 minutes without blowing up. (Source)

To be fair, she lasts a pretty long time considering she was basically served something that was pulled out of the lowest circle of hell, and quite frankly it's nice to see her in something that doesn't look like it was either covered in blood or designed by H.R. Giger. Although I am a little weirded out by the fact that she looks like a cast member of Jersey Shore, which probably means that in some parallel universe, Snooki walks around dressed like a bloody tampon and Lady Gaga got punched in the face on a TV show. Weeeeeeeird.

Joaquin "Leaf" Phoenix is said to have an unreleased album that would turn the entire music industry on its ear, but doesn't want to let the world hear it because it's seriously just too good.

"He's a Beatles, Oasis, Bowie-style songwriter. I hold it in that high esteem," L.A. musician Julian Shah-Taylor told E! News. "He's accomplished just about everything anyone could accomplish as an artist. So coming out with a brilliant album of great music would not surprise anybody, and I think that's maybe why he didn't release it...And I think it's better to have some secrets, and I think Joaquin's secret is his prodigious music talent." (Source)

If I had to guess what Joaquin Phoenix's secret was, it would have probably been something like that he buys Nature's Miracle by the gallon despite not actually owning any pets. But sure, I guess the musical genius thing is almost as believable as that.

Remember how once upon a time Heidi Montag looked like a 20-year-old girl (left) and now she looks like a 45-year-woman trying to pass off as a 20-year-old girl? Well, one person who is surprisingly not happy with this otherwise sensible transformation is Heidi's own mother.

Now, nine weeks after her dramatic transformation, Montag is dealing with the horrified reaction of her mom, Darlene Egelhoff.

"I still can't believe I'm 23 and mom is reacting this way," Montag tells PEOPLE. "I'm nervous to go home and face her - especially with cameras rolling." (Source)

I know when I was Heidi's age I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted cameras around when I had to go home and show my parents something I did. Of course, the worst I ever had to show my parents was a ring in my face or a small tattoo here or there. Heidi on the other hand, has had more bone and fat rearranged around her body than a giant Rubik's Cube made out of barbecue ribs. So yeah, good luck with that.

Usually when a celebrity gets outed as a stripper they'll talk to People Magazine in a weepy interview about their "huge" mistake and land a kiss-ass cover. Channing Tatum, on the other, loved it and is now going to be making a romantic-comedy about it. Ladies (and like-minded gentlemen), you are welcome.

He said: "I did it for almost a year. I've lived a crazy life, for sure.

"It seemed like a fun thing to do at the time and I got out unscathed. It's nothing I'm ashamed of and I'm not proud of it either. I wanted to talk about it in the beginning of my career but my publicist wouldn't let me.

"When Jenna found out about it, one of the first things she did was make me give her a dance." (Source)

Not that I don't appreciate a slice of beefcake or anything, but when the hell did stripping become the new kabbalah? Tatum and The Situation did it, Diablo Cody won an Oscar for it, and now even Miley Cyrus and Martha Stewart are pole dancing, despite being nowhere near age appropriate. I swear to God, if Madonna jumps on the bandwagon, I'm going into to the convent. Thanks for ruining nudity for me, celebrities.

The Broken Lizard continues their longstanding tradition of shitting the bed with The Slammin' Salmon. (Pajiba)

Conan O'Brien is walking away from The Tonight Show with $40 Million, or as is known in the business, "Fuck You NBC Money". (Yeeeah!)

David Beckham had his junk grabbed in an interview and you've already clicked the link haven't you? (The Blemish)

Madonna shows off her boobs for Dolce & Gabbana, because if there's one thing that I associate with class and elegance, it's 50 year old titties. (Celebitchy)

Confession time: I once watched a marathon of "Burn Notice," and loved it, so I'm linking to a post about it. So there. (Seriously? OMG!)

Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are gay as the day is long? Ummmm, yeah, maybe on Winter Solstice. (Celeb Jihad)

Isn't Jennifer Lopez attending a book launch a bit like a tone-dead person attending a Record Release Party? (BricksandStones)

Here is Kerri Russell laughing at Harrisson Ford and Brendan Frasier for being old as dirt. (Agent Bedhead)

Hayden Pannemisspellingherlastnamehasbecomearunningjoke has dyed her hair red. INTERESTING! (POTP)

Ke$ha, who some of you might remember as the bitch responsible for "TiK ToK" (her spelling, not mine) and others as the harbinger of the musical apocalypse, said that her friendship with Paris Hilton was ultimately doomed because they were just too different. Honestly, it's like comparing apples with slightly sluttier, disease-ridden apples.
 

She says, "We are not friends. We've just been connected on one too many places and levels. I don't have anything against her. I think she's really nice, but we're just very different. I'm just not that kind of party girl. I have been to a few pretty bada** parties in my day [...]
 
"We never had a fight. We're just so different, you know? We come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I grew up in the valley, broke, running around barefoot and moved to Nashville and played music and really poured my heart out. Very different." (Source)

It's so sad, but really, they're just too different! One's a stupid blond whore who makes crappy music, and the other is a stupid blond whore who makes crappy music...Oh, wait, no, they're the exact same person. Well at least Paris looks like she actually bathes on a regular basis, whereas Ke$ha looks like I can wade ankle deep in the grime on her face alone.

Yeah, so remember that video on Access Hollywood where Heidi Montag said that she almost died on the operating table and that she was addicted to plastic surgery? Might have been complete and total made up. Yeah I know, I'm absolutely shocked too. Guess one of the ten procedures Heidi had was one that removed the bullshit filter from her stupid mouth.

On Heidi almost dying:

"That didn't happen as far as I know," he told Shaun on Tuesday.

"Where would she get that information from?" Shaun asked.

"I don't know," Dr. Ryan said.

On Heidi being addicted:

"Oh, it's not that I don't think, I know [she's not]," he said. "I mean again I do not, would never in a million years, and did not and would not operate on someone who's addicted to plastic surgery."

On how many surgeries Heidi has ACTUALLY had:

"I really call it 30 surgeries because if we're gonna count Botox injections we should count every single injection, and both breasts, not just you know so it's two surgeries," he said. "Why say 10 surgeries? It sells magazines." (Source)

So as it turns out, everything Heidi said was an outright lie. I mean let's face it: If Heidi Montag were ACTUALLY dying, most people would probably just let the bitch die. On the plus side, considering how crappy her album sales are and how fucked up her face looks right now, Heidi would make a killing as one of those Real Dolls.

Even though he could probably continue to get her milk (ABV 14.0%) completely for free basically forever, Tara Reid's boyfriend Michael Axtmann proposed over dinner at The Little Door restaurant in Los Angeles on Monday night.

"Michael surprised Tara with a beautiful round brilliant cut ring," the actress's rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. "Tara was so happy, and the other patrons clapped and yelled out, 'Congratulations.'"

Reid, 34, and Axtmann, an Internet entrepreneur, began dating last year. They are planning a small wedding for family and friends by this summer. (Source)

Tara Reid is a washed-up actress with more surgical scars than Frankenstein who has spent the better part of the last decade being a giant boozy punchline, and yet somehow even she has managed to find everlasting love. I guess what I'm saying here, to all your sexually incompetent, blind, paraplegic amputees out there -- is that there's hope for you yet!

Heidi Montag's album "Superficial" that dropped into the toilet last week has sold collectively less than 1000 copies. Or what music industry insiders like to refer to as EPIC FAIL.

In fact, industry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date.

This is likely upsetting news for the reality star, who told Entertainment Weekly last week that she went broke making Superficial but thought that "within the first week, we will definitely make our money back." (Source)

I think the real problem here is marketing. I mean, who wants to buy a Heidi Montag album to listen to it? No one, obviously. But if you think of all the other uses a Heidi Montag CD might have: Like, skeet shooting targets, pocketbook mirrors, or, hello? Drink coasters? Who wants to pay $19.99 for a set of slate drink coasters from Crate and Barrel when you can use copies of "Superficial" for next to nothing. That's what I like to call "thinking outside the box."

Mariah Carey, having already failed at launching her own perfume line, now wants to fail at launching her own champagne line. It'll be a rosé with subtle hints of strawberry and batshit insanity.

In a Twitter post Friday, the singer announced she's launching a brand of bubbly called Angel Champagne - a rosé.

She also made a joke about her accepting-while-intoxicated appearance at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards gala.

"Didn't realize they put the champagne on the tables, So we WOULDN'T drink it! LoL," she wrote. (Source)

Well it makes total sense that Mariah would be pimping out champagne since, much like her, absolutely no one I know actually likes it. Personally, I'm just happy to see her drinking something other than pure lard and the tears of her purse-carrying boyfriend. Seriously, sometimes for shits and giggles she'll knee him in the place where his balls used to be and just licks the tears off his face...Just because she can. True story.

Here are ten actors more famous for their commercial work than their actual film work. (Pajiba)

Sarah Jessica Parkers drags small children back to her gingerbread house the ol' fashioned way. (Yeeeah!)

What better way to explain he Leno-Conan feud than with completely batshit insane Japanese CGI crap? (The Blemish)

Oh boy, a Piranha 3-D trailer? Gosh, be still my beating heart. (Seriously? OMG!)

Octomom has some bikini pics out, and according to her, she had absolutely no work done. Ummmm, yeah, and I'm sober right now. (Celebitchy)

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend hyphenates her last name, still looks like a slutty golumn. (Celebslam)

Britney Spears pimps out stupid tacky shoes no one cares about. (HollyWire)

Today's "Kim Kardashian pimps out stupid fucking products" is brought to you by $25 lollipops. (CelebSmack)

Here's Michelle Rodriguez at the premiere of Avatar. (usemycomputer)

Ewww, why is January Jones dating Jeremy Piven? Ugh, gag. (popbytes)

Tiger Woods is in Sex Rehab because of freaking course he is. (Celeb Jihad)

I know this is supposed to be the year where Lindsay finally starts getting her shit together, but unless her definition of improvement is "getting paid to escort some skeezy old Austrian dude around town"...Actually, considering the year she's had, that actually IS a step in the right direction for her.

A limelight-loving Austrian says he's taking Lindsay Lohan to the famous Vienna Opera Ball next month.

Richard Lugner, a quirky 77-year-old entrepreneur known for his young girlfriends and appearance on reality TV, invites a different female star to the flashy event each year and keeps local media in suspense for weeks before divulging his pick. (Source)

Okay, so granted it's not like she'll be turning tricks anytime soon, but come on, it's Lindsay Lohan. Girl would probably give you a rusty trombone for a QT of coke and a Vodka Red Bull. If you catch her on a good night, she might even finger you for a part in an ABC Family movie. Ever wonder how she got on Labour Pains? Yeah.

I'm not at all familiar with the work of Sasha Grey, since I am not a fan of boobies or pretentious, heavy-handed arthouse flicks, but like all D-list celebrities, PETA has convinced her to pose naked, because this will apparently save little baby animals or something. If anything, I think this would only increase the amount of animal cruelty. Think about it: People mistreat animals, PETA gets another sub-mental to pose for a cheesecake shot...Eventually, people are going to figure out that the more they mistreat animals, the more semi-nude rich bitches they'll get. Thanks a lot, PETA. All I'm saying is, don't be surprised if little baby seals are all but wiped out by roving bands of horny teens. (H/T to Chez at Deus Ex Malcontent)

Okay, maybe not, but she did take time out of her schedule of discussing cashmere drapes and making Turducken Souffles to teach the women at home the finer points of working the pole. While she did only teach the basics, I'm assuming she will eventually go onto the more advanced aspects, such as how flip upside down on the pole without having your tips fall out of your g-string, what to do when a customer keeps biting your ass, and the proper way to handle things when the douchebag owner publicly fires you and everyone there while you're naked onstage. Not that I would know anything about that.

Heidi Montag continued her "I Had Completely Elective Cosmetic Surgery" publicity tour last night by speaking with "Access Hollywood's" Billy Bush. While weepy music plays, Heidi says how the experience was so "traumatic" for her and how she almost died on the operating table and now as a result, can barely move her face.

When Billy asks Heidi to move her face as much as she can, she blinks her eyes and manages a small, pained smile. "I feel pretty plastic," she said. "It's still hard for me to chew sometimes and I have to speak very quietly because my jaw and everything -- I'm still readjusting to talking." (Source)

That does sound pretty horrible. But you know how it could have all been easily avoided? By not getting ten completely elective cosmetic procedures in the first place. There are people with real problems in this world -- not to mention the crisis in Haiti -- and yet we have to listen to Heidi fucking Montag whine about the hardships she's endured to realize her dream of looking horrifically disfigured. Like my mom used to say, you can hit yourself in the face with that hammer all you want, but don't come crying to me about it.

...And by "it", I mean "Penis". John Mayer is on the cover of Rolling Stone this month (and you wonder why print media is dead) and has gone on the record to say that he likes to play the five finger shuffle. You know, choke the chicken, flog the bishop, battle the one-eyed monster...Finger blastin', people. Finger blastin'.

"I am the new generation of masturbator," he explains. "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion." (Source)

I could make a joke about the irony behind and asshole jacking off to an asshole, but right now I just want to kick John Mayer in the teeth for making me think about Tiger Woods masturbating. There's nothing wrong with talking openly and honestly about sex, unless of course you're ugly. In which case, keep your weird, ugly person sex to yourself there fuggo.

Oh. my. GOD. Here are the 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of all time. (Pajiba)

A huge hat tip to Sarah, who covered all the dresses at The Golden Globes so that we don't have to. (Yeeeah!)

Madonna wants to have another baby, which is a pity since her eggs are pretty much hard-boiled at this point. (The Blemish)

I'm all for women not shaving their legs and all, but seriously Mo'Nique? You really could have just kept it to yourself. (Seriously? OMG!)

Johnny Depp was named Most Stylish Man by GQ. In related news, water is wet, fire burns and Tila Tequila is still a filthy child prostitute. (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were at the Golden Globes, which means oh my God, they're a couple now you guys! (BricksandStones)

Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are engaged, which means we can all look forward to Mr. and Mrs. Fucking Palmer-Gaiman in the near future. (Agent Bedhead)

Beyonce was in some magazine or something showing off how amazing photoshop is. (POTP)

The Golden Globes were on Sunday, just in case you have just woken up from a conveniently timed coma, but since Stacey and I took Martin Luther King Jr. off because shut up, we haven't really discussed it. But it's a slow fucking news day right now, which gives me the opportunity to make fun of Chloe "Oh look at me I have an UMLAUT how freaking special" Sevigny, who wore a dress so fucking stupid it was even more embarrassing than that time she blew the director of The Brown Bunny on camera. Not only does she look like a giant Maxi Pad, but she almost tore her dress onstage which I'm entirely sure was God's way of punishing her for looking like a giant period catcher. Seriously, he may be an all-loving God, but that dress is unforgivable.

Heidi Montag wants you to know that, despite having gone under the knife more often than a Thanksgiving turkey, she is NOT addicted to plastic surgery. She also wants you to know that she is, despite being 23 years old, completely incapable of counting up to ten.

Asked on Tuesday's Good Morning America for a response to those who say she is addicted, Montag, 23, replied: "I would say that none of those people know me at all, and that's just a judgment. I'm not addicted. If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries."

Asked why she would want to look like a Barbie doll, Montag replied: "I think I look like myself. I think I just look like a different, improved version of myself." (Source)

Actually, she might want to reconsider what she just said, since she DID have "10 plastic surgeries". On the same fucking day. Not to mention an additional nose AND boob job before then too. Seriously, have you SEEN the silicone funbags she has stapled too her chest now? Those aren't even boobs anymore, those are full-blown TITTIES, the difference between boobs and TITTIES being that a normal woman can actually have boobs without snapping half at the waist due to the sheer weight of her massive chesticles. That's not a motorboat, that's a fucking yacht.

Remember back when Britney Spears lost her goddamn mind and was going around speaking with a fake British accent? Well she's doing that again. Sort of.

A source said: "Britney has developed a real fascination for Family Guy.

"She's been staying in the hotel's penthouse suite and has been watching box sets. She really likes Stewie and has been trying to copy his British accent.

"It's a bit weird, especially when she's in the gym speaking like a camp Brit." (Source)

I don't know if emulating Stewie from "Family Guy" so much makes Britney Spears crazy as it makes her a college student from the year 2004. But if she starts trying to talk like Napoleon Dynamite and Austin Powers, then we might have a serious problem.

We've got a Neil Patrick Harris double bill here, folks. First off, NPH was at the Golden Globes, an awards show so apathetic, I could've sworn they handed out a few shows ironically. From the audience, he tweeted a pic of himself sitting in front of Mickey Rourke, which is sort of like poking a half-bear, half-shark creature with a stick, saying:

Sitting directly in front of this guy [...] Worried that he might try to fight me. What should I do?!? (Source)

If my wilderness training (read: a five second Google search) has taught me anything, it's that if attacked by Mickey Rourke, punch him in the nose and climb up a tree. Alcoholics are very poor climbers. Trust me on this one. Anyway, as an added bit of good news, Neil Patrick Harris will also be appearing on an episode of Glee directed by Joss Whedon, which may or may not be the greatest bit of casting news EVER.

Neil Patrick Harris is nearing a deal to appear in the May sweeps Glee episode that's being helmed by his Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog director, Joss Whedon. (Source)

Seriously here: HO. LEE. SHIT. Dr. Horrible was like a shining beacon of fucking AMAZING, and I still randomly insert the phrase "The hammer is my penis" into conversations. The more inappropriate, the better. In fact, sometimes I randomly just blurt it out in public. People need to know about my junk, goddammit!

Here's a career assessment of Denzel Washington, who can be boiled down to the following: Totally badass, but kind of a jerk. (Pajiba)

Taylor Momsen couldn't give two shits about the earthquake in Haiti. In related news, Taylor Momsen is a dumbfucking child prostitute who smells and has fat ankles. (Yeeeah!)

Even Tila Tequila's publicist, which must be the easiest job in the world considering how much of a famewhore she is, can't stand Tila's annoying ass. (The Blemish)

Conan O'Brien put The Tonight Show up for sale on Craigslist. For those keeping score at home: Leno: 0. Everybody Else: 1,000,000,000,000. (Seriously? OMG!)

Gabourey Sidibe and Dakota Fanning are on the February cover of V Magazine, and you know what? They look pretty good. (Celebitchy)

You know what's a good reason for getting your son a $600,000 car? For getting hus license back after a DUI. The Hilton family, ladies and gentlemen. (Celebslam)

I know it's been, like, five hours since the last time Carrie Prejean flashed her tits, so here she is slipping her judgmental nipple at the beach. (HollyWire)

What? Rue McClanahan suffered a stroke? Aw seriously? What the eff? (CelebSmack)

Is it weird that I think Christina Aguilera looks pretty good? (usemycomputer)

Because I think she's adorable, here are some more pics of Amanda Bynes in Maxim. (Celeb Jihad)

Apparently, nude pics of Jesse McCartney (remember him? Me neither) might be hitting the internet soon, and it features him in a candy thong. No, really. (Allie Is Wired)

It's no secret that if there are two things I love more than (almost) anything, they are Sara Bareilles and Jersey Shore. But sadly, I could never enjoy them at the same time...UNTIL NOW! Sara performed a song about stupid, tan douchebags with freakishly solid hair in concert to the tune of Rihanna's Umbrella. And to top it all off? She did it entirely on the Ukulele. Sara Bareilles, ladies and gentlemen: A woman who kicks so much ass, she probably has her foot lodged halfway up your rectum right now.

I know we've generally avoided discussing the shitstorm-clusterfuck sandwich that is Late Night television, but this is just too good to pass up: Jay Leno's giant chin invited Jimmy Kimmel on his show for the 10 at 10, and proceeded to have the shit verbally kicked out of him by Kimmel. Honestly, why do I get the feeling that while this comedic beatdown was going on, Leno's audience was shitting their Depends and dropping their monocles into their glasses of champagne out of shock? If this were happening to anybody else, I'd probably feel bad, but since it's Leno, and we all know that Jay is a backstabbing little weasel with a victimization complex, all I can do is point at him and do my best Nelson Muntz impression. Ha ha!

Miley Cyrus' 9-year-old sister Noah released a YouTube video prancing about with an unidentified, seemingly adult man to Ke$ha's "TiK ToK," lip-syncing about "getting crunk" and slapping men who touch her "junk." Say what you will about this kid, but I'm telling you she's going to be the next Drew Barrymore. You know, the 12-year-old Drew Barrymore who was in rehab -- not the successful actress Drew Barrymore of course. Oh wait, nevermind, that's probably exactly what you're saying.

I'm gonna be honest with you here, making fun of Tila Tequila has kind of lost its spark for me. It used to be fun I guess, but now it's just kind of become routine: Tila does something egotistical, I call her a smelly pirate hooker, I find an unflattering picture of her to post, etc. But this one is special. This is the one where Tila Tequila goes completely bananarama insane. How? Simple: She now believes she is God's personal messenger sent here to save humanity. right.

Listen u guys wanna know about Haiti? Let me tell you something right now. There will be more disasters to come. Even bigger! Warning signs.

I know how the world will end, and yes, it will end. Not in the way you all think it is, but it will end.

God sent me here, but did not tell me how or what I needed to do, so just like all other Angels, I had to choose my path on how 2 blend in..

But now time has run out, I have no choice but to reveal myself and who I really am. There is no more time to waste. We must help each other (Source)

You know, call me crazy but I somehow don't think Tila is God's angel sent down to save humanity. I mean, Jesus kinda walked on water and told people to love one another as they love themselves, and Tila just makes out with men, women and farm animals on TV, then shows off her tits on the red carpet. No offense, but I somehow doubt that Jesus was a slutty, self-centered, Asian Wishing Troll.

Jessica Simpson was seen out in Santa Monica the other day reminding everyone that she still has the best rack in the business. Whatever Jessica Simpson's "business" is, anyway. I think it's animal husbandry or something.

Have you ever noticed that stories of pretty, white blond woman being kidnapped are the only kidnapping stories people ever hear about? Well, today is no exception because Heidi Montag was almost kidnapped! Well, no, not really, but someone thought she was being kidnapped, which is pretty close, right? Well, no, of course it isn't.

Call off the dogs: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt haven't been kidnapped, despite dramatic reports.

Shortly after police were called to their Los Angeles residence Wednesday, a rep for the couple explained to UsMagazine.com, "Heidi was covering her head with a pillowcase to avoid the paparazzi on her way into her home. A construction worker saw this from across the street and called police thinking Heidi was being kidnapped." (Source)

Seriously? Did the fact that Heidi was surrounded by fucking flashbulbs not tip him off that maybe Heidi was just being a fucking idiot, as per usual? Normally, I would say that there's nothing funny about kidnapping, but if someone offered me the opportunity to ensure that Heidi and Spencer would never be seen or heard from ever again, you better fucking believe I'd take it.

Heidi Montag talked to Entertainment Weekly about her new album "Crapaficial," and although you can't really believe a word that comes out of Stupid and Evil's mouth, she alleges that it cost her almost $2 million to make and has left her broke.

I've spent as much time-maybe more, even-than Thriller. Every detail was very important to me, because I take this very seriously. Most artists, it's not their own money, but I've actually gone broke putting every dollar I've ever made and my heart and soul into this music.

[I've] spent over a million, almost $2 million on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album, because I wanted it to be that quality and to be able to get those people. My album would have cost a record label over $4 million. (Source)

I'm willing to believe that "Superficial" cost Heidi Montag that much money to make. Of course, I could also sit down with two million dollars cash and physically eat it. Sure, it might take a few hours and plenty of ranch dressing, but I could do it. What I'm trying to get at here is that there's more than one way of putting two million dollars into something and still having it come out as shit on the other end.

As much as we make fun of Brad Pitt for wearing a merkin on his face and Angelina Jolie for just being crazycakes, fact of the matter is, they're still really generous people. Case in point: after the disaster in Haiti, Brad and Angelina donated $1 Million to Doctors Without Borders to help those who were affected by the earthquake. Seriously: $1 Million.

"We are devastated by the news from Haiti," the duo said in a statement to The Agence France-Presse. "We will work closely with our good friend Wyclef Jean to support the humanitarian efforts on the island and help those who have been injured and left without homes and shelter."

And on Wednesday evening, news broke that Brad and Angelina, through their Jolie-Pitt Foundation, were donating $1 million to Doctors Without Borders, to help out with relief work in Haiti. (Source)

Granted most people don't have that kinda money just lying around that they can give to charity, but if you want to help even a little bit (and if you want to rub it in Pat Robertson's stupid hateful face), you can donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund by texting "Yele" to 501501, or you can donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting "HAITI" to 90999. Or both. Whatever you can give really. You can find more details here.

Here are the 2009 Golden Tomato Award from Rotten Tomatoes, and to the surprise of no one, Up won. Hells yeah. (Pajiba)

Here's Hugh Jackman shirtless and frolicking on the beach, because I fucking love you guys. (Yeeeah!)

Someone leaked some backstage pics of Alessandra Ambrosio, and I kinda hate her for having better abs than me, you stupid sexy jerk. (The Blemish)

Oh look, Keanu Reeves doesn't look like a homeless meth-dealer anymore. Score one for him! (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh look, John Edwards tried to cheat on his cancer-stricken wife AGAIN. And this guy wanted to be president? (Celebitchy)

Oh joy, it's only been about two weeks since Brittany Murphy died, so let's start up those petty estate wars, shall we? (Celebslam)

Ellen Degeneres talks about Simon Cowell leaving American Idol, and finally being the judge with the biggest boobs. (HollyWire)

What appears to be a catcher's mitt showed up to a photocall for A Single Man, and oh wait, that's just Donatella Versace. (CelebSmack)

Here's Katy Perry in a stupid hat, which goes along well with her stupid face. (usemycomputer)

Oh shit, Sade's back motherfuckers! Fuck yeah! (popbytes)

She may be a minor, but that won't stop Miley Cyrus from wearing a see-through top! (Celeb Jihad)

Jennifer Love Hewitt was on George Lopez's talk show, Lopez Tonight (because literally ANYONE can have a late night talk show these days) to pimp out her new book that no one will ever read, and between George asking her to show off her fat ass and basically calling her a whore, JennLoHew went into detail about bedazzling her vagina.

Yeah.

You can skip ahead to 2:45 in the video to check out JennLoHew discussing her glitter-filled pussy, but seriously? Do guys (and lesbians) go for that? I mean, I guess aesthetically speaking it's pretty and all, but I can't imagine going through the process of gluing sequins onto my funstuff. Also: Terrible. Yeast. Infection.

Seemingly unconcerned with the fact that she just lost custody of her teenage daughter Frances Bean, Courtney Love went out and got a bunch of new flower tattoos all over her body and then tweeted photos of them. You know, she's wasting her time though. Like that old saying goes, "You can paint flowers on a turd, but it still smells like a piece of shit."

Kristina and Karissa Shannon, the Playboy twins I'm assuming our male readership is all to familiar with, have decided that they've had enough of banging decrepit ol' bastard Hugh Hefner, and are now ditching his ass to live in the Playboy Mansion. Poor Hef...How is a man supposed to live with only ONE girlfriend?

Late Tuesday Hefner tweeted that, "The Shannon Twins are growing up. They're moving to the Playmate House with my blessing so they will be free to do other things."

Kristina and Karissa Shannon, known as 'The Shannon Twins,' are 20 and have been dating the aging Playboy mogul for over a year.

They tweeted, "Were looking forward to moving to the Playmate House, But we still love Hef & want to remain close." (Source)

This story would be much sadder if it wasn't for the fact that it relies heavily on the idea of the Hef layin' some sad, shriveled pipe. Gag. Sex must be like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole, if the square peg happened to be made of Jell-O. I'm not ageist or anything, but at 83, either put it out to pasture or stop giving it to girls who are a quarter of your age.

You know how PETA made headlines last month with the above ad campaign in which they took heat for the unauthorized use of First Lady Michelle Obama's likeness, along with Tyra Banks, Carrie Underwood and Oprah Winfrey? Well in addition to that, it appears that they also used a photo of Oprah from the 2007 premiere of some Denzel Washington movie wearing a leather skirt. From PETA's website:

Oprah, who refuses to wear real fur or feature it in O magazine, was named PETA's "Person of the Year" in 2008 for her efforts to educate her millions of viewers about the cruelty of puppy mills and factory farms. (Source)

To be fair, fur does usually come from much more adorable animals than leather does. Still, in the future, PETA might want to shy away from naming people who wear dead animal carcasses as their "Persons of the Year." Or at least give it to someone who is willing to get naked for the cause. An organization has got to stick to its principles, you know.

I'm gonna be completely honest with you here: I love People Magazine. LOVE. But only because they are the single most kiss-ass magazine on the planet. As you would expect, they managed to score an exclusive with Heidi Montag, and of course they find a way to shamelessly brown-nose her while she talks about how she's addicted to plastic surgery and had ten procedures done in a single day.

At just 23 years old, The Hills star Heidi Montag decided to go under the knife for a second time and have a staggering 10 plastic-surgery procedures in one day.

"For the past three years, I've thought about what to have done," the reality star tells PEOPLE. "I'm beyond obsessed."

And so, on Nov. 20, Montag's total transformation began. Keeping even her family in the dark, the starlet chronicled every painful moment of recovery and her journey to become "the best me." (Source)

Holy fuckin' bejeebus, ten plastic surgeries? TEN?! What, were you hoping to fill up your a little card and get a free face-lift with your twelfth procedure? Christ...I wonder if they put a little pull-cord in her back that makes her say stuff like "Math is hard!" or "I haven't had an orgasm in years thanks to my husband's tiny penis!" when you yank it? Seriously, between her plastic body and her gay hubbie, all she needs is a pink convertible and she will literally be a Barbie.

As you've probably heard by now, Spider-Man 4 is fucking dead. I'd probably care more if Spider-Man 3 hadn't sucked so badly. (Pajiba)

The good news: This post has lots of Channing Tatum, who is pretty. The bad news: it goes into graphic detail about how he burned his penis. (Yeeeah!)

Tom Cruise won the honour of being the sexiest short guy alive. All together now...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (The Blemish)

Shane Sparks got kicked off of America's Best Dance Crew for FUCKING MOLESTING CHILDREN. (Seriously? OMG!)

Sarah Palin is going to be a contributor for FOX, because of fucking course she is. Sadly, her bit will still be funnier than The 1/2 Hour News Hour. (Celebitchy)

Usher had $1 Million worth of jewelery stolen from his car. In related news, who the fuck keeps that much jewelery in their car? I mean really? (BricksandStones)

This clip of Jerry O'Connell impersonating Joe Francis would be so much cooler if it wasn't taken from the set of Piranha 3D. (Agent Bedhead)

Eva Mendes does her best to make white jeans look sexy, and not like some tragic 80's throwback. (POTP)

Pop Quiz: If you could go anywhere in the world in 2010, and I mean absolutely ANYWHERE, where would it be? If you answered Sri Lanka, (A) You're probably an idiot, (B) You are the New York Times, and (C) M.I.A. will fucking cut you.

HERE IS THE LUSH COASTLINE THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT," wrote the singer in one of several outraged posts on her Twitter, adding a link to a gruesome picture of dead bodies-- apparently victims of the civil war between the Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tigers. "FUCK NEW YORK TIMES! DO YOU THINK YOU NEED TO GO HERE ON VACATION?" said another Tweet, accompanied by another deathly photo.

The 26-year civil war technically ended last May when the Tigers admitted defeat. M.I.A.'s father was a political activist for the Tigers, and M.I.A. has been very vocal in voicing her disapproval of the Sri Lankan government's conduct. (Source)

I can kinda see why she might be just a teensy bit pissed about that: Making light of a civil war over some pretty beaches? Come on man. Next up you'll be telling me that Afghanistan is a great place for an all-girl getaway, or that the Democratic Republic of Congo would be a great place for a little R&R.

That's right! Heidi Montag finally released her album, fittingly titled "Superficial", and it is FANTASTIC. And by "FANTASTIC" I mean "kill yourself." The album contains 12 songs auto-tuned into oblivion, and the tracklist includes:

1. Look How I'm Doin
2. Turn Ya Head
3. Fanatic
4. Superficial
5. More is More
6. One More Drink
7. Twisted
8. Hey Boy
9. My Parade
10. Blackout
11. I'll Do It
12. Love It Or Leave It

Wow, did you see the way she left off that last 'G' in her first song? Or how she used "Ya" instead of "Your"? That is just hardcore right there. I'm assuming you can either buy it on iTunes, or you can light a ten dollar bill on fire, then hit yourself in the face with a hammer until you stop breathing. They'll both cost you about the same amount and offer the same result, but at least the latter will be faster and less painful.

While I still haven't forgiven Paula Abdul for ditching American Idol, which meant having to wade through story after story about which popstar would end up getting paid to tell a sixteen year old they were "pitchy", I bear my respects to her for appearing at Here Lounge with Averageeverdaysanepsychosupergoddess Chi Chi Larue. TMZ has more.

While sources say she may have had coherent conversations with Simon Cowell about co-hosting "X-Factor," Paula Abdul spent Saturday night hanging out with porn film director/drag queen Chi Chi LaRue at Garage/Red Saturdays at Here Lounge in West Hollywood. (Source)

Say what you will, but considering that her previous associates included Captain Bitchtits Cowell and a rapping, cartoon cat, this is a huge step in the right direction for her. Or considering this is Paula Abdul we're talking about, make that "a drunken stumble in the right direction". I kid, I kid. Point is, Paula Abdul actually did something cool. Go her.

Miley Cyrus' little sister Noah Cyrus was out with her family at The Grove in Hollywood over the weekend wearing those stupid black-rimmed glasses that all the American Apparel models wear. So yeah, if you've ever wondered what Woody Allen would look like if he were nine and a girl, you're probably not going to come much closer than this without using frozen sperm and test tubes.

It's finally happened: Simon "Bitchtits" Cowell is leaving American Idol. Initially, I just assumed he was going to be using his freedom to go shop for tee-shirts that show off his man jugs and to make fun of teenagers, but instead, he's going to be inflicting ANOTHER shitty music show on us: An American version of "The X Factor." Thanks a heap, Bitchtits.

Simon Cowell, the acerbic Brit who has helped give "American Idol" some of its sharpest - and nastiest - moments, will leave the hit TV singing contest after this season.

The cantankerous judge said Monday that "The X Factor," a talent show he created and which is popular in Britain, will join Fox's schedule next year. Cowell will be a judge on "The X Factor" and its executive producer. (Source)

Personally, I've honestly never seen an episode of "The X Factor," nor do I really care. What I DO care about is the fact that if this happens, then that means we have TWO fucking music shows. TWO. It's bad enough having to wade through "American Idol," but now I'll have to listen to double the amount of crappy music and screaming hysterical pre-teen girls and middle-aged women. No, really, thanks a bunch there Bitchtits.

Patton Oswalt wants you to see a Mumblecore pic that stars Margaret Cho. Why does my wallet suddenly feel $10 lighter? (Pajiba)

The good folks at Yeeeah! have an exclusive on Keeley Hazell's video game, which prominently features her boobs. Get some! (Yeeeah!)

Someone unearthed this video of Bradley Cooper going to a nude beach and you've already clicked on the link, haven't you? (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke made out and you've already puked all over your keyboard, haven't you? (Celebitchy)

The NYC Firefighters have released their annual calendar for 2010 and you've already clicked the link, haven't you?...Just indulge me, I'm on a roll here. (CelebSmack)

What? Katy Perry might be carrying some crotch fruit in her? Aw, gross man. Just fucking GROSS. (The Blemish)

Sure, most people can no longer read books during the last hour of flight, but Halle Berry will be DAMNED if she has to wait in line for customs! (Celebslam)

The slutty girl from The Pussycat Dolls that people actually care about is single again. Gasp? (HollyWire)

Taylor Lautner was falsely rumoured to have died of a drug overdose at a strip club. Ummmm...Really? Taylor Lautner? (Allie Is Wired)

Kourtney Kardashian's baby has been arrested for Domestic Violence. They grow up so fast, don't they? (Celeb Jihad)

So as it turns out, people in Britain aren't all that into listening to Lady Gaga swear like a whorish, drunken sailor after all. MTV had to apologize for Lady Gaga's language recently when they aired her swear-laden performance, which kinda strikes me as odd, since I always figured that the people who came up with Spotted Dick and Eel Pie would have a better sense of humour.

The Poker Face hitmaker was on stage at the U.K.'s Isle of MTV music festival last year (09) when she peppered her performance with swear words. 

The U.K. broadcast aired on MTV, which went out in the middle of the afternoon, but bosses failed to cut the offensive words and incurred the wrath of executives at Britain's broadcast regulator Ofcom. (Source)

Wow, seriously, that's it? Christ man, just be thankful she didn't come out wearing Gonzo-head thong, a spiked bra and a dildo taped to a Maxi Pad on her forehead, proclaiming herself "Queen of the Dildocorns." What? It can happen! And until that day, I don't want to hear another word about Lady Gaga's filthy fucking language corrupting your precious little snowflakes.

I have no words for this, other than "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!", "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" and "HOLY FUCKING SHIT KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Seriously, pause it at 0:16 if you plan on never sleeping again without John Travolta's grinning plastic visage haunting your dreams, ready to devour your face. Couple that with some seriously pedo-riffic dancing (with his own daughter, no less) and you have irrefutable proof that there is, in fact, no fucking God. I suggest hiding under your covers right now, lest you be eaten by John Travolta and his demonic face.

Blake Lively, that girl from that show that I honestly couldn't give two shits about, is on the cover of Esquire this month, and once again, the girl isn't wearing any pants. Seriously, have you ever noticed that the girl is NEVER wearing pants? Even in the middle of fucking January? The girl seems hellbent on not wearing them. Did roving bands of trousers kill her entire family? Did her first boyfriend cheat on her with a pair of comfortable knickers? Maybe a pair of shorts shot her dog once, who knows? Point is, she's not wearing pants, and I want answers goddammit!

Jeepers there, Miles, that's some top you got on there. I didn't know they had a kid's section at Hos 'N Thangs, but I guess I'll keep that in mind for next time. To be fair, it does a good job of covering the boobies, but yikes to everything from behind. It's like some sort of hideous mullet shirt: Slutty business in the front, big whorish party in the back y'all. And I cannot be the only one who thinks those jeans make her look like some sort of Na'vi prostitute, can I?

Here's the trailer for that Lindsay Lohan India documentary for the BBC, aptly titled "Lindsay Lohan in India," in which Lindsay Lohan went to India for a week to try to put a stop to child trafficking or something. Really. Was Lindsay Lohan really the best person for this job? What, were like, Inspector Gadget and Lassie unavailable? Well, it was probably more that they are fictional characters, but you see what I'm getting at here. If anyone is going to stop child trafficking, it probably isn't going to be a smart dog or a half-man, half-gadget hybrid either, but at least they'd probably entertain the poor Indian kids for awhile and make them forget about their horrible, horrible lives -- whereas Lindsay Lohan probably gave them Emphysema just from smelling her.
 

So Casey Johnson's funeral was this weekend, and all her family and friends came to mourn her ... Except Tila Tequila. Gosh Tila, you must have been so busy tweeting about how you can't sleep (despite "having dreams" of Casey) and posing for the paparazzi like some sort of attention-craving hooker that it completely slipped your mind!

Casey Johnson was laid to rest Sunday.  The Johnson & Johnson heiress, who was found dead in her rented Los Angeles home January 4, was buried at a New Brunswick, NJ cemetery.

Casey's close friend Nicky Hilton attended the memorial hosted by Casey's devastated dad, New York Jets owner Robert Johnson.

Not present was Casey's girlfriend at the time of her death, Tila Tequila. (Source)

No, seriously, what was your excuse for that one? It's not like you couldn't make time to fly up to New Jersey, and you certainly had the money, so why exactly the fuck couldn't you make it? Oh yeah, that's right! Because you're a self-serving prostitute who cares about herself! Hooooo boy, can't believe I forgot about that part! Ha! *Face-Palm* Wow, egg on my face, right?

Here's a pretty damn good recap of how NBC has destroyed it's once beloved late night lineup, and how they're gonna fuck it up even more. (Pajiba)

That slut from Twilight appeared in an ad campaign wearing nothing but body paint. No, not that one, the other one. (Yeeeah!)

Carrie Underwood won a People's Choice Award (yeah, I didn't know they were still on either) and proceeded to go down on her trophy. (The Blemish)

You know your show fucking sucks when the first episode hasn't even aired yet and Ellen Degeneres is trying to get out of it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lady Gaga's new hairstyle can only be described as what happens when you divide by zero. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan punched someone at a nightclub when they wouldn't leave her fifteen year old sister alone. Which begs the question: What the fuck is a fifteen year old doing at a nightclub? (Celebslam)

Justin Bieber is set to appear on Wizards of Waverly Place. I neither know nor care who he is, but if it's not Prisco on that show, I don't give a shit. (HollyWire)

Why did someone put a bikini on that xylophone and drag it down to the be-Oh wait, it's just Rachel Zoe. Never mind. (CelebSmack)

Here's Paris Hilton dressed in a demure and sophisticated gown...AHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, she looks like a hooker. (usemycomputer)

Ewwww, noooo...If Tiger Woods has sex with men, I'm turning in my gay card. (Celeb Jihad)

Lady Gaga and Boy George are coming together to create the gayest song of all time. (Allie Is Wired)

It's been a couple months since Adam Lambert's Big Gay Kink Musical, which means that the good folks at The Smoking Gun have had ample time to snag some of those tasty, tasty FCC complaint forms, and oh lordy you better believe they are just comic fucking GOLD. Seriously, here's a quick sampling of some of the better ones:

That piece of shit AMA music award was a cluster fuck of awfulness. Adam Lambert, who is a total fagatoni which I am OK with, was totally pulling dude's face into his crotch [...]

I would not be supprised to see such a show in the "boy's towns" of Mexico, or in Bancok, but I am offended to see them on United States Television [...]

Just wondering if a gay kiss between two fudge packers no longer falls below standards. Perhaps he can actually suck his cock next time [...]

KEEP THE FAG KSSING OFF OF THE NON CABLE CHANNELS. YOU NAZI. (Source)

And for the record, those were word for word accounts. With the spelling errors intact. Seriously, Adam Lambert's was really just a male-oriented version of everything that Madonna, Prince and Britney have been doing for decades, so yes, this is entirely about Adam Lambert being gay. The sad thing is, the complaints are actually more offensive and full of objectionable content than the actual performance. Nice job, fellas.

Tila Tequila took a break yesterday from Day Four of her cracked-out twitter binge in which she's been alternately "mourning" Casey Johnson's death and lashing out at the heiress' family and friends to treat the paparazzi waiting outside of her house to an impromptu photo shoot. I take it this is stage "tree" of the grieving process. Whatever. I'm just looking forward to stage "stick your head in the oven and do the entire world a favor, you contemptible, vile little demon" stage of the grieving process.

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? Why would anyone give Heidi Montag, a woman so stupid her brain cells are actively committing suicide as we speak, a goddamn monster truck? Can you imagine the kind of damage she'll inflict when she inevitably drives this thing drunk? Actually, so long as she doesn't hit anyone and instead careens off a high cliff Thelma and Louise style, that wouldn't be too bad. Alright, new plan: Get her to drive to the Grand Canyon with Spencer, get her tanked, then tell her that her monster truck is magical and that she can fly it across the gorge. Problem solved.

Kim and Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian went on the Insider to discuss Tiger Woods' cheating -- because, why not -- and Khloe had some choice words for anyone who gets any funny ideas about her man.

In terms of girls hitting on her new hubby, Khloe says, "If I even imagined someone talking to my husband too close, I would beat the crap out of them."

[The earrings] are coming off and the knuckle rings are coming on. And I will beat them to death. (Source)

Yeah, um, how do I put this gently. I don't think she has anything to worry about. That's the benefit of marrying a guy with a lopsided face -- other chicks tend to, you know, "stay away." I think that probably the only person in the world who needs to worry less than Khloe Kardashian about their spouse getting hit on is Lamar Odom.

Remember that gleefully hilarious video of Mariah Carey drunkenly accepting an award we posted yesterday? Well, so does Mariah, and she's decided to clear the air about what the fuck was running through her cholesterol-laden veins by explaining that it was only a couple splashes of Champagne. Ummmmm...sure, why not.

"I don't even know what it was," she told reporters. "I heard clapping. You know, Lee [Michaels, Precious director] and I hadn't seen each other in a long time, and he started right in with all these inside jokes, and I was like, OK.

"We were celebrating and having little splashes, and I hadn't eaten, and that's what it was. We were celebrating the movie and all the exciting stuff going on. There's a time for celebration and a time for not - but really technically, it's a party atmosphere. We had splashes of champagne. I love Lee, but he's a bad influence." (Source)

If by "little" you mean "ten", and by "splashes" you mean "Bottles", and by "champagne" you mean "Moonshine" then yes, I can see where you're coming from. Although to be fair, I ended up showing up to my prom drunk as shit and ended up calling one of the jesuit priests at my school a filthy cunt. Have I ever mentioned what a lovely view I have from my glass house? Oh well, time to throw some stones.

I really wanted to avoid this whole Casey Johnson thing because let's face it, I'm really bad with death, so thankfully Stacey takes the bullet for me when it comes to those. And I REALLY wanted to feel sorry for Tila Tequila, but...Yikes. I really cannot feel bad for this woman, especially considering the way she's acting. Anyway, last night Nicky Hilton and Bijou Philips came to collect Johnson's belongings, so of course, Tila made it all about her.

Reality TV star Tila Tequila refused to open the door when Johnson's pals Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips arrived - and bizarrely told reporters she feared the twosome was going to put the pooches down.

"They don't care about the dogs. They are putting them to sleep to bury with Casey," Tequila exclaimed - an allegation flatly denied by a family spokesman. (Source)

Putting the dogs down would be really sad if it wasn't complete bullshit. Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Everyone raise your hand if you honestly think Tila actually loved Casey Johnson. No one? Alright, raise your hand if you think Tila actually loves anyone but herself. Still no one? Well, mystery solved. It's no secret that I never liked Tila, but holy shit if she isn't gonna make me flat-out hate her.

Conveyor Belt of Love is as shitty as you'd think, meaning that is a genocide on your brain. (Pajiba)

For the price of just $65, you too can smell like Kim Kardashian (Read: Like a piss-drenched hooker.) (Yeeeah!)

I always loved Amanda Bynes, so here are some sexy pics from her Maxim shoot she posted on Twitter. All I can say: Yowza. (The Blemish)

How is it that between Simon Cowell and Ellen Degeneres, Simon is the one who looks most like an old lesbian? (Seriously? OMG!)

Kate Gosselin continues her pattern of shitty hairstyles with hair extensions that look like they belong on a Barbie doll knock-off. (Celebitchy)

Not only was Tyra's show CANCELED against her will, but as it turns out, Tyra Banks might be a GIGANTIC asshole. (Celebslam)

Dear Lesbians and like-minded men: Kristen Bell might have a thing for women. You're welcome. (HollyWire)

Gary Coleman was hospitalized after suffering from a seizure. Insert your own "Whatchoo Talkin' Bout?" joke here. (CelebSmack)

Remember when Lindsay Lohan bikini pics were something to get excited about? Me neither. (usemycomputer)

No, seriously, when the hell did JLo become relevant again? Why should I care about her? (popbytes)

Rihanna is dating a new guy and hoooooo boy it's not going to end well. (Celeb Jihad)

Top Chef Host and perpetual wet dream of foodies everywhere Padma Lakshmi was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night, where she let it slip that her expectant baby might be a girl and...Alright gentleman, eyes down on the article now. Would it kill you to stop checking out her souffles for like five minutes?

'Top Chef' host Padma Lakshmi sat down with Jimmy Fallon last month to talk about her pregnancy and might have spilled the beans about the sex of her baby.

When Fallon asks, "What's happening with the baby now?", Lakshmi starts to answer and then seems to catch herself after a few words. "She was kicking... uh... he was kicking... I'm not saying which one... I use she and he intermittently!" (Source)

Whoops! Awkward moment. Oh well, at least the baby will make your boobs even bigger, which means you can expect some mad ratings. And if you're gonna be eating for two, what better place to work than The Food Network? Seriously, between the massive amounts of food you'll be devouring and your ample jugs, your daughter will never go hungry again.

Remember how I mentioned a little while back that Mariah Carey was getting an award because she didn't suck as badly as she did in Glitter? Well, not only do we have video of the blessed event, but Mariah Carey decided to go up and accept it while either drunk, heavily medicated, or both. And it is FUH. NAW. MIN. UHL. Seriously, I laughed so hard my neighbours came over and asked if I was dying.

Carey, in a skin-tight, black-beaded full-length Herve Leger gown, was escorted onto the stage Tuesday night, and at the podium, greeted her presenter and "Precious" director Lee Daniels with a little dance and a big hug.

Carey hesitated for a few seconds, looked to the ceiling, sighed and said, "Please forgive me, because I'm a little bit, um ..." An audience member finished the sentence for her with an obscenity, to which Carey replied, "Yeah!" adding a long, hearty laugh. (Source)

Seriously, it's an absolutely fantastic train wreck from start to finish. If you want to recreate your own Mariah Carey acceptance speech at home, bedazzle a cow, shove a bottle of horse tranquilizers down her throat then have the cow randomly start clapping at intermittent moments while everyone shuffles awkwardly in their seats.

Kirstie Alley, who twitters like it's her job (because otherwise, well ... she doesn't um, have one) has combined her love of saying crazy things on the internet with her love of trying to consume less than four sticks of butter per day and started her own micro-blogging website, "Phitter." From Phitter's mission statement:

"Phitter is a phitness phocused community and a gift from Kirstie to encourage talk or 'Phits' about health, diet & exercise, while making new Phriends in the Phitter-mmunity and having Phabulous Phun... Phew!"

I live in Philadelphia and up until now I thought that Philadelphia Phillies Phans (as they oft like to be referred to) had a corner on the market of Ph-related puns. I think the only way to settle this would be a throw-down between Philly's giant, green nutsack-shaped mascot, the Philadelphia Phanatic, and Kirstie Alley. Although then again, that guy could probably stand to lose a few pounds himself, so maybe a cross-promotion might be a better idea.

No, really, as in she's getting her own comic book from BlueWater comics. Seems vaguely appropriate, doesn't it? Seriously, between her weird-ass, skin tight costumes it was really only a matter of time before she started shooting lasers out of her eyes and flying around in a cape, wasn't it?

Bluewater Productions--the publisher behind the Female Force biographical series that's featured J.K. Rowling, Stephenie Meyer and Michelle Obama--is launching the new group of "culturally relevant" celebrity comics.  Future installments include Robert Pattinson (squee!), Taylor Swift, David Beckham and 50 Cent.

This isn't Gaga's first time getting animated--she was depicted on a cross for a special edition book distributed in Marc Jacobs stores. (Source)

Well oh fucking boy, I am just GIDDY with anticipation. Wonder what her power will be? The ability to kill people with her stupid costumes? Actually, seeing Gaga pull some Bayonetta shit would be pretty cool...But what's Stephenie Meyers power? Does she convince the villain that getting into a relationship with an emotionally distant older man is just awesome? I'm guessing she just gives them a copy of Twilight and then they kill themselves.

In an interview with Latina magazine, Jennifer Lopez says that she thinks she should have won an award for El Cantante, (which I'm pretty sure is Spanish for "Total Crap") that vanity project about salsa musician Hector Lavoe she did with husband Marc Anthony in 2006.

"I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in El Cantante, but I don't even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it's their responsibility to do that, to see everything that's out there, everything that could be great."

"Well, it is a little bit frustrating. It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins--I couldn't have been happier--but I was like, 'How dope would it have been if I would've won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?' 'Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!' (Source)

J. Lo has got some brass ones to suggest the only reason why she wasn't nominated for an Academy Award was because the academy members didn't "see" her movie. But to play the devil's advocate, let's say they did see it (because let's face it, nobody saw that movie). Her competition for best leading actress would have only been Helen Mirren, (who won for The Queen) Kate Winslet, Dame Judi Dench, Meryl Streep and Penélope Cruz. The only way Jennifer Lopez was taking home a little gold statue that year is if she had one of those babies of hers dipped in gold. There were two of them, after all.

Just for fun, J. Lo's sausage casingly awesome New Year's Eve performance:

Prisco put together this totally amazing list of the best independent movies of 2009, and it's pretty epic. (Pajiba)

Gwyneth Paltrow went out in public wearing the dumbest fucking hat in the entire world. Everyone point and laugh! (Yeeeah!)

Tiger Woods might have a sex tape out because of fucking course he does. Although the only question is, which of his 9 whores does it features? (The Blemish)

In related news, Tiger Woods shirtless pics! Come for the doughy midsection, stay for the hairy Hershey kiss nipples. (Superior Gossip)

Sandra Bullock is the new Julia Roberts in that her movies make a ton of money despite the fact that she has a gigantic mouth and an annoying voice. (Seriously? OMG!)

Reason why CNN sucks #7254: Kathy Griffin is banned from CNN after she may have dropped an F-Bomb. Also not allowed on CNN: Actual News. (Celebitchy)

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are hotter than you could ever so much as hope to be. In related news: Fuck it, I quit. Someone get me a Big Mac. (BricksandStones)

Seriously, how cute is Alyson Hannigan with her itty bitty baby and oh dear God the ovaries I don't have just exploded. (Agent Bedhead)

Michael Lohan has found a new girlfriend to give fake watches to and kick in the vagina (POTP)

In a move that will hopefully ensure fewer cases of Herpes in the near future, Katy Perry and Russell Brand are engaged. Or in simpler terms, they will now be fucking each other exclusively instead of other people. You are now 70% catching gonorrhea. Lucky you!

The wacky pair -- who've been dating since September 2009 -- became betrothed five days ago while on holiday in Jaipur, India. A pal says that Brand, 34, proposed with a ring, and that Perry, 25, happily accepted.

[...] Of their romance, a friend tells Us that Perry has "never connected with anybody like this." As for Brand, the Forgetting Sarah Marshall star "is super into her. She says he makes her laugh like nobody else in the world," an insider says. (Source)

Well, good for them I guess. As long as their wedding doesn't include giant inflatable strawberries and lipstick tubes, and Katy and Russell don't show up wearing a Hello Kitty one-piece bathing suit and a pair of assless chaps respectively. Come to think of it, why the fuck not, right? Whatever makes them happy and keeps their genitals away from civilized society, really.

Out of all the celebrities I'd peg to inadvertently cause terrorist actions (I'm looking at you, Jeff Dunham), I can't say that Joan Rivers would be all that near the top of the list. However, she was recently bumped off a flight on Continental Airlines after someone found her passport a bit off. Never mind the fact that Joan Rivers has been on the red carpet of almost every single Academy Awards show, her passport's weird. TERRORIST!

Her passport reads: Joan Rosenberg AKA Joan Rivers. Rosenberg was her late husband's last name.

The "nasty and cruel" Continental gate agent bumped Rivers from the last flight out Sunday and the comedian found herself alone (her daughter, Melissa, flew out to Los Angeles earlier in the day) and with no ATM card and just $100 cash, she said. (Source)

You know, I never took Joan Rivers for a public menace, though to be fair, I also never thought a half-used tube of toothpaste could be used as a weapon or that reading a book during the last hour of flight was a crime akin to baby murder. I guess that's why I'm not a TSA Agent; I just can't live in a constant state of paranoia tenuously connected to reality. Gee, what a shame.

Vince Vaughn married his girlfriend, real estate agent Kyla Weber on Saturday in a private ceremony near his hometown in Chicago. It was the first marriage for both.

Vaughn, 39, proposed to Weber, 31, a Canadian real estate agent, last Valentine's Day. "They could not be happier," a friend tells PEOPLE. The wedding took place at a historic mansion. (Source)

A lot of people are really shocked that a perpetual bachelor like Vince Vaughn finally settled down with a lady, but I'm not. You know how the saying goes about how you're not getting any younger and all. Or in Vince Vaughn's case, your "his ginormous under-eye bags of doom" aren't getting any smaller.

It was only a matter of time really...Since people apparently have some sort of big raging hard-on for Snooki, Jesrsey Shore is getting it's very own porn spoof because of freaking course it is. Personally, I figured they would spoof Nine first (if only because I heart musicals) but hey, if oompa-loompas with big stupid hair gets your motor revving, more power to ya.

Zero Tolerance entertainment announced it will film a porn parody of our favorite MTV reality show [...] Writer/directors Spock Buckton and Brian Bangs will tag team on the project. We haven't seen names this porny since Levi Johnston, Tank Jones, and Rex Butler rolled into town to take a ride on the Playgirl train. (Source)

I'm assuming stars were announced, but since I'm a big mo and this is the straight stuff, I honestly couldn't give two shits if you paid me. Seriously, you could have just taken the original cast and convinced them to do it. It would be less embarrassing than the actual show and it probably would have cost them about as much to make it anyways. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pry these forks out of my eyes. Snooki vagina...*Shudder*

Holy crap guys, Tila Tequila's new girlfriend and heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, has passed away at 30-years-old. Just weeks ago the two posted a cracked-out video on Tila Tequila's website announcing their so-called engagement.

"At this point, it appears to be a natural death," LAPD spokesperson Sara Faden tells Usmagazine.com. "There was no evidence of foul play. The coroner's office will now take over the investigation and conduct their toxicology screenings."

 Tila Tequila (real name: Tila Nguyen), 28, also confirmed the tragic news on her Twitter: "Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family" (Source)

I don't want to make light of a tragedy here, but I hope Tila Tequila knows that just because you called someone your "wifey" on your twitter doesn't legally entitle you to their enormous inheritance. So she can put those thoughts of solid gold, diamond-encrusted tubes of Valtrex right back where they came from.

The couple at Snoop Dog's album release party last month:

Because Kim Kardashian doesn't pimp out enough shit as it is, Kim Kardashian is rumoured to be earning $10,000 from tweeting promotional bullshit on her Twitter page. Naturally, in order to keep her name fresh in your mind, she's denying it, because Kim Kardashian would never sell out like that.

Last week (begs28Dec09), the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star was ranked as the highest-paid blogger by Ad.ly, an online service that allows celebrities to "monetise" their tweets.
 
However, Kardashian, 29, took to her blog at the weekend (begs02Jan10) and denied she commands the sum for promotional posts to her 2.7 million followers - in an entry entitled I Want to Clear Something Up...

She writes, "Am I not allowed to talk about something I like without people assuming I must have been paid to do it? (Source)

Yeah, you can't do that Kim. Because when normal people randomly talk about shit they like, it's just normal people discussing shit. When you like something, it's because a team of experts carefully planned out what aspects of yourself you can shamelessly pimp out to raise the most money. In unrelated news, nothing refreshes me after a day of blogging like the ice cold taste of Pepsi! Oh shut up, we wouldn't be doing this if you guys clicked the ads more often.

Pop quiz everyone! You're a has-been hip-hop "star" who's only real claim to fame was almost a decade ago when you were primarily known for rapping despite the fact that your testes hadn't even descended. Which of these should you do to make everyone remember how much they hate you?

(A) Text while driving
(B) Drive Drunk
(C) Hang Out With Chris Brown
(D) ALL OF THESE AT THE SAME TIME

The artist formerly known as Lil' Bow Wow--now just Bow Wow--live-tweeted his wild New Year's partying, including driving his "lambo" while "so fucked up" before handing the wheel over to Chris Brown.

Naturally, he has since tweleted and apologized. But seriously, what a jackass. After tweeting "Face numb im whippin the lambo. Tipsy as fuck. Just left @livmiami," Bow Wow added (and ultimately deleted):

"Im fucked up!!! Ohhhh damn. Y i drive the lambo. Chris might have to drive after next spot" (Source)

Hey, nice going there asshole. Not only did you put yourself in a situation where you endangered not only your life, but the lives of everyone around you, you bragged about it on Twitter during the fact. Why couldn't you just fade into obscurity like a good little one-hit wonder?

God bless Mariah Carey: Honestly, if she wasn't such an egotistical asshole I'd probably be out of a job. But thankfully, each day allows Mariah to come up with a fresh new batch of bitchsauce for me to write about, and today is no different: Mariah stopped her show halfway through her performance (a term I use lightly) to sit around, drink champagne and get her makeup done. Congrats on paying good money to see Mariah sit on her fat ass, concert goers!

The 'Hero' singer was performing to a packed out audience at the Borgata Hotel and Casino, in Atlantic City, when her stagehands brought out a chaise longue on which she laid down on. She was then pampered while enjoying a glass of champagne.

Laying back on her on stage throne, she playfully asked: "Do they expect me to stand up for the whole show? They call me a diva... because I am." (Source)

Yes, people are usually expected to stand up during their show. It's not exactly like you're walking around all that much or dancing. Hell, it would probably take an army of horses just to tow you around the stage, and even then, most of those horses would end up being put down from the injuries that come from lugging your doughy self around while you scream into a mic. Really, is it so hard to stand in one place while singing? Bitch please.

Happy New Year's, everyone! I think we can all agree that 2009 sucked ungodly amounts of taint, and if these pictures of Jennifer Lopez's sparkly, catsuit-clad ass are any indication, 2010 won't be all that much better either. Sadly, Dick Clark initially mistook her for the New Years Ball, prematurely ringing in the new year everytime she sat down. Honestly, I'm not sure which one is more awkward and uncomfortable: The jumpsuit permanently lodged in JLo's ass, or the fact that they're still forcing Dick Clark to keep doing this shit.