J.J. Abrams wants to take a crack at the Dark Tower series. (Pajiba)

Pink is the Drag Queen Circus Master. (Yeeeah!)

Brad Pitt will be your bodyguard if you can be his long-lost pal. (The Blemish)

"Supernatual" super preview of tonight's episode! (Seriously? OMG!)

Ugh. Kirstie Alley is fatting it up all over Oprah again. (Celebitchy)

Christina Aguilera thinks being a mom has made her sexier. Well it's sure not all that fake hair and garish makeup. (CelebWarship)

New day, new Lindsay Lohan bikini pics. (BricksAndStones)

Gwyneth offers advice on where you can take your kids to eat whilst you "partake in something more grown-up." What would we do without her? (Agent Bedhead)

Remember how TMZ did Rihanna that favor of leaking the photo of her with the shit kicked out of her? Turns out they may have blown her case as well. (POTP)

Katy Perry is 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Marissa Miller is at a movie premiere of unknown origin. (IDWYL)

Britney Spears' "Circus" tour is headed to the UK in June, and London's infamous Dorchester Hotel is already preparing a suite for her arrival. You know, the usual stuff, like satin sheets, an array of high-end lotions and toiletries, and, oh yeah ... A stripper pole.

A source said: 'Britney loves pole dancing, it is her new favourite work out. 'She gets the toning that she needs without having to hit the gym, and she wants to be able to do it in the privacy of her own hotel room.

'Keeping fit on the tour is very important as her show is full of rigorous dance routines, so Britney likes to do her pole dancing work out every morning when she gets up.' (Source)

Boy, I never realized how good strippers have it. Not only do they experience the glamor and intrigue of having strange men ogle over them every night, but they get a killer workout at the same time. Are you kids out there listening to this? It's a little career perk you won't hear about from your so-called "guidance counselors."

Yesterday Kim Kardashian, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian, Kelly Osbourne and this other chick who probably wants to be famous too attended the Pepsi Throwback launch party, along with fellow A-listers such as Vanessa Minnillo, Holly Madison and a bunch of "The Hills" retards. I imagine this to be what Reality Star Heaven is like. Yup, just a big roller rink in the sky, where they all get to be pointless and endorse something for all of eternity.

Paula Abdul is going to be making an appearance in Sacha Baron Cohen's upcoming Bruno, in which he plays a flamboyantly gay something-or-other, only she just doesn't know it yet.

A source tells us Sacha Baron Cohen, playing a wildly gay Austrian TV reporter in "Bruno," conducted a wacky interview with the "American Idol" judge. "Paula was totally fooled. She bought into his character and to this day isn't aware she was fooled," the insider said. Abdul's rep had no immediate comment. (Source)

Wow, good one! Sacha Baron pulled one over on the most mentally challenged, closet substance-abusing famous person ever. Maybe for his next fake-documentary where he dupes unwitting civilians into humiliation with his "wacky" characters and hijinks, he can stick exclusively to nursing homes and schools for autistic kids. High fives!

Promo shots from Bruno. The hilarity is almost unfathomable:

No-Brainer: (Noun) Something that's obvious or requires or involves little or no mental effort.

Now that Heidi Montag has exhausted every possible career opportunity, (getting married one time, and then getting married another time) she's taking the high road and posing for Playboy.

Life & Style can exclusively reveal that Heidi's in negotiations to pose for magazine. "She wants to do it," the insider confirms. "It's just a matter of working out the details." The insider tells Life & Style that Spencer is encouraging her to do it and is working on negotiating a $500,000 deal for his wife. (Source)

Well, you know what the next most logical step from here would be, right? For Spencer to pose for Playgirl.  /SCENE/ A tumbleweed blows past Playgirl's headquarters as a "CLOSED FOREVER" sign swings lazily on the front door.*

*Editor's note: Feel free to point out that Playgirl already went out of business a year ago.

More of Mr. and Mrs. Frack narrowly escaping Swine Flu on their way back from Mexico:

Here's a list of the most hellish movie bosses. (Pajiba)

Tori Spelling gives TMI on her, uh, vaginal region during pregnancy. Vomit. (The Blemish)

Oooh, video footage of Julia Roberts going all F-bomb on everyone's asses. (Yeeeah!)

Sean and Robyn Wright Penn are giving up again. (Seriously? OMG!)

Christina Aguilera had fun. (Celebslam)

Poor Ginnifer Goodwyn accidentally wore the same thing as Kim Kardashian. (AllieIsWired)

Vanessa Hudgens has goat feet. (CelebSmack)

Jewel is doing Redbook these days. (usemycomputer)

Dita Von Teese makes grocery shopping look glamorous. (popbytes)

Lindsay Lohan has been popping adderall to achieve that stunning figure of hers. (Lainey Goss)

Courtney Love is opening a lingerie store. Every pair of panties you buy come with free crabs. (Celebitchy)

Mary-Kate Olsen looked even more like a ghastly cartoon of herself than usual at the new  Matthew Williamson for H&M collection launch last night. Because, oh yeah, Mary-Kate Olsen shops at H&M now, right? I guess they've marked their prices up 3000% since last time I've been there and now exclusively sell garments made out of the hides of lesser species in size "Woodland Gnome." Actually, laugh all you want, but she could totally make that happen if she wanted. Then you'd all be stuck shopping for your affordably-priced, trendy clothing at Target. Yeah. Not so funny now, is it?

Mel Gibson publicly debuted his new girlfriend at the industry screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine last night, 39-year-old Oksana Grigorieva -- not 24-year-old Oksana Pochepa as previously reported.

"Mel has been single for almost three years and it's nice to see him getting out and enjoying himself," his rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. (Source)

Yes. It is really, really good to see Mel Gibson finally out enjoying himself, after all these years. Good for him! Because when he goes on alcohol-fueled benders, gets pulled over for drunk driving and starts throwing around ethnic and misogynistic slurs like confetti -- that is strictly business. And a true gentleman knows never to mix business with pleasure. What a professional, this guy.

Editor's note: Photos may be used by Mel Gibson's wife's attorney in divorce proceedings.

Kate Winslet tells the May issue of Marie Claire that as a child, her fellow classmates would routinely torment her by locking her in cupboards and calling her names like "Blubber."

‘I was bullied for being chubby. Where are they now!’ she tells this month's Marie Claire.

‘I had, “No one will ever fancy me!"... well into my teens. Even now I do not consider myself to be some kind of great, sexy beauty. Absolutely not.' (Source)

I can totally empathize with Kate. When I was in middle school I was pigeon-toed, rocked enormous red glasses and braces with rubber bands that matched the glasses, and other kids used to literally spit on me. And now look at us. She's a famous celebrity adored by millions. I write about famous celebrities and am occasionally stalked over the internet. We're like kindred spirits, Kate Winslet and I.

Blubber and her Academy Award:

Sex and the City harpy Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick have announced that they are expecting twin girls, via a surrogate mother -- presumably because excessive dieting and exercise has rendered Sarah Jessica barren. Oh, and also because they don't have sex anymore.

The Sex and the City star and her actor husband are "overjoyed," their publicists said Tuesday. The couple already has a son, James Wilkie, 6.

On Monday evening, Parker and Broderick attended the premiere of his film, Wonderful World, at the Tribeca Film Festival in NYC. Parker, who held hands with her husband as they watched the movie, said she was "very happy" to be with him. (Source)

Hmm ... This all seems very suspicious considering these two have spent the last year surrounded by divorce and infidelity rumors. Everyone knows, having babies is no way to dispel rumors of marital trouble. But on the other side of the coin, from what I hear it is a fabulous way to save a marriage. The best of luck with that!

More of the two at the Wonderful World premiere:

Guess what still sucks? That's right, "American Idol." (Pajiba)

Mary-Kate Olsen is Ozzy Osbourne's Mini-Me. Also, I want to kick her in the vagina for trying to bring back those sunglasses. (Yeeeah!)

Heidi and Spencer are in Mexico. Let's all wish them swine flu. (The Blemish)

"Scrubs" is officially the television version of Terri Schiavo. (Seriously? OMG!)

Aww, how romantic. Parts of Heidi and Spencer's wedding ceremony had to be re-taped. Just what every little girl dreams of. (Celebitchy)

Pam Anderson is still living in a trailer park, like God intended. (CelebWarship)

Megan Fox has the figure of something a nerd would draw in a comic book. (BricksAndStones)

A faux-lesbo, midget and mouse walk into a bar... (Agent Bedhead)

Paris Hilton's boyfriend fought for her honor. Make your own joke. (POTP)

Tila Tequila is promoting her new album in the only way she knows how. By being slutty on the internet. (DrunkenStepfather)

What ever happened to Paris Hilton's BFF? (IDWYL)

Finally, a bit of site news! I'm sure you guys have noticed that I've been mixing up the format lately. To be honest, I love the word-definition thing, but there's only so many ways I can sum up Paris Hilton being whorey in one word. So from now on I'll be mixing in regular gossip headlines with the definitions. Please don't use this as an opportunity to revolt. Kthxbye!

Convictions: (Noun) Firmly held belief or opinions.

Just so you know, when Pam Anderson isn't getting naked for PETA or staging protests outside of KFC establishments, she spends her time making appearances at the opening of steakhouses. But before you go throwing around words like "hypocrite" and "whore," (OK, you can still call her a whore) just because she's not carrying a picket sign doesn't necessarily mean she's not protesting. For all we know she could have left behind crabs on all of the toilet seats in the restaurant. Like Ruth Gordon's character in Harold and Maude once famously said: "Still fighting for the big issues ... But now in [her] small, individual way." Words to live by, my friends.

Tom Hanks was presented with the Chaplin Award at last night's 36th annual Film Society of Lincoln Center Gala Tribute, and Julia Roberts was on hand to give a speech for him. And by "give a speech" I mean she talked about her bodily functions and repeatedly dropped the F-bomb.

"It's late, and I'm paying my babysitter overtime, and I have to pee," a harried Roberts announced at Monday's 36th annual Film Society of Lincoln Center Gala Tribute, where the Philadelphia and Forrest Gump double Oscar winner was presented the new Chaplin Award. Keeping her tribute as brief as possible, Roberts told Hanks, "So, everybody f---ing likes you."

Assessing his 2004 movie The Terminal, in which he played an Eastern European trapped in Immigration at J.F.K., Roberts said, "That movie about you and the airport and the accent was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, but I didn’t know … and I'm wearing the same f---ing dress tonight as your publicist." (Source)

How come when Julia Roberts gives a speech and acts belligerently, it's all like "Oh, there's America's Sweetheart, saying the F-word all over the place again. Isn't she great?" But God forbid I do the same at my parents' 30th wedding anniversary, and  it's all like, "You have an alcohol problem." I'm sick of this double standard, I'm telling you.

More of Julia wearing the "same fucking dress" as Tom Hanks' publicist:

Vroom Vroom: (Noun) The roaring sound of an engine or motor vehicle.

Hugh Jackman arrived to the red carpet premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine via motorcycle, because I guess a bunch of PR people thought it would be really cool or something. Note to PR people: It wasn't cool. Next time try something a little more impressive like a hot air balloon or hovercraft. Amateurs.

More from the X-Men Origins: Wolverine premiere. Ryan Reynolds looks flat out embarrassed to be there:

Ever since Jesus Luz started banging Madonna, his modeling career has taken off. But if you'd think that his modeling colleagues -- who got where they are by hard male-modeling work and not, say, banging a 50-year-old lady -- would be happy for his success, think again.

Madonna’s sometime-boy-toy got straight-up dissed by the other male catwalkers as he prepped for the Jeffrey Fashion Cares event last week. Says one backstage source: “None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.”

It’s no wonder Luz’s rise to fame has created so much jealousy in the modeling world. “He’s taking jobs from other models who feel they’ve worked harder and longer than he has,” says one industry insider. (Source)

When asked to comment on the situation, Jesus responded: "I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie. I'm just really hurt! The whole situation is sick."*

* No really, he seriously did say that. I swear it on Madonna's life.

Workin' hard for the money:

Forever: (Adverb) For all future time; for always.

As you may know, stupid Heidi Montag and stupid Spencer Pratt got married this weekend, and ever since they've been gloating it up on their stupid twitter accounts.

"I can't believe I am Mrs. Pratt," the Hills star wrote on Twitter Sunday morning, one day after her wedding to Spencer Pratt in Pasadena, Calif. "First day of married life!!!!!!"

"Getting married has been the craziest yet best experience of my life," she wrote. Later that day, she said, "Watching movies and relaxing -- this has been the best day as a married woman."

Monday morning, she added: "Wow, what a morning! Waking up with my husband is beyond words!!! I'm so excited I'm really married! FOREVER!" (Source)

Whatever. My Netflix account is going to last longer than these two. We've already been together since March of '05. That's four years, baby! And I still love it just as much as the first day we met, when it sent me Motorcycle Diaries and The Station Agent and I got them in my mailbox.*

* Not paid for by Netflix.

More of Mr. and Mrs. Dunderheads at their dumb wedding:

Guess what Sharon Stone did last weekend? (Celebslam)

Zooey Dechanel's new movie is surprisingly good, yet eventually you'll grow to hate it. (Pajiba)

Demi Lovato looks like a Miley Cyrus-calbier idiot. (Yeeeah!)

Britney gave her concertgoers an eyeful of tampon string. Sexy. (The Blemish)

Tori Spelling's husband rambled about how much he loves sexing her. Gross. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jessica Biel did topless and the movie is going straight to DVD. Sounds like somebody needs to fire her agent. (Celebitchy)

Run Suri, run!! (AllieIsWired)

Octomom got a tattoo for all of her kids. But it had nothing to do with Angelina Jolie, just so you know. (CelebSmack)

(usemycomputer)

Miley Cyrus disrespects Helen Mirren; makes you want to punch her in the face. (Lainey Goss)

We must be close to world peace if orangutans and tigers can be friends. (omg blog)

Heidi Montag gives us a glimpse into her future. (IBBB)

Last night Katie Holmes attended a gala for Independent Filmmaker Project, wearing this pantsuit that could have been raided from Liza Minnelli's closet. She was suspiciously sans Tom Cruise, who could have been raided from Liza Minnelli's Gay Husband Having closet. Oh, I'm kidding. Liza Minnelli would never marry Tom Cruise. Even she isn't that oblivious.

John Mayer was asked by paparazzi of rumors of late that he's banging some 20-something cocktail waitress, and instead of ignoring them or saying "no comment," a bunch of stupid crap spilled out of his stupid maw. You know, basically, like usual.

"If I had a girlfriend, she would be incredibly offended by me saying, 'I don't have a girlfriend,'" Mayer told X17Online.com after kickboxing in Santa Monica this weekend. "That's how you can be sure. I could say, 'I'm not with anybody.' That'd be a death wish if you were the woman."

He added: "If you were the woman and you stepped out and said, 'I'm not with anybody, you'd have to go home and take a lashing for the next three weeks! So that's the proof." (Source)

I listened to him say that four times and couldn't make any sense of it. Then I got distracted by his douchey tattoo sleeve in that muscle shirt and stopped trying. If John Mayer thinks that saying you don't have a girlfriend to intrusive paparazzi is the worst thing you can do to a girl, then maybe he's not the giant, caddish asshole I thought he was. Here the whole time I thought he was giving away the clap as a parting gift. Boy is my face red!

More of Gentleman John trying to look cool with the guy from Anvil:

This weekend Kim Kardashian twittered that she went blonde, with the above photographic evidence, and everyone freaked out. No really, it was insane. I heard President Obama even held a press conference about it. Unfortunately, on her website this morning she revealed it to be nothing more than a clever ruse:

It's a wig! Did I have you fooled? I did a fabulous photo shoot this weekend and they put this hair piece on! I haven't taken it off since, because I'm really loving the look. I've been wearing it around New York and everyone thought it was my real hair! It's making me want to dye my hair and maybe go lighter for the summer. What do you think? Should I dye it for real? (Source)

I don't know about you guys, but I think she should totally do it. And then right afterwards, she should take a dip in a swimming pool filled with battery acid. But I guess that's why celebrities never take my advice.

More of Blonde-hole tooling around NYC this weekend:

Heidi and Spencer got married this weekend again, and no one cared. No, literally, no one cared. They tried to sell the pictures and everything, but even Us Weekly was all "No thanks." OK Magazine offered them some magic beans or something, but eventually they settled for non-exclusive photos rights.

The couple didn’t comment on their strategy, but a source close to them said that now that everyone’s watching their bottom line, there was no bidding war to drive up the price, and this all-around deal was the best way to make a buck in tough times.

“They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing,” said the source. (Source)

Heidi and Spencer have paparazzi follow them around at the grocery store, and this is the second wedding they've tried to sell exclusive rights to. I wonder if those two have ever heard the expression "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." I don't actually know where I was going with this, because most people would rather drink liquid Swine Flu than Heidi and Spencer Milk.

A Van Helsing spoof? Be still my throbbing gag relfex! (Pajiba)

Gavin Rossdale used to be gay? Apparently you can turn it on and off like a switch. (Yeeeah!)

Tara Reid is back in a bikini on the beach. (The Blemish)

Dammit! There's a new "Supernatural" on tonight and I won't even be home! (Seriously? OMG!)

Elton John and his partner can't have kids because they're too busy. And also, you know, because neither of them has a vagina. Zing!! (Celebitchy)

What the hell is Paris Hilton doing posing with the first lady of Cameroon? (CelebWarship)

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel get all kissy-kissy at a basketball game. (BricksAndStones)

Kanye's "Operation Deflate Ego" is in full swing. (POTP)

Here's some tips for picking up dudes. Do dudes really need picking up? (CollegeCandy)

Lindsay Lohan is the only person who goes on "Ellen" to promote a fucking breakup. (DrunkenStepfather)

Eliza Dushku picks up some Baja Fresh. (IDWYL)

Animal Cruelty: (Adjective) Behavior that causes pain or suffering to an animal.

Right now, to make myself feel better about this whole situation, I'm trying to tell myself that this dog is actually Paris Hilton reincarnated. For that to happen, I have to convince myself to believe not only in reincarnation but also time travel. It's kind of working. So trust me, that dog totally deserves it.

Also, if you think this is bad, you should see the baby seal fur moccasins Guess has got planned for their Fall '09 collection. What won't these people to do turn a buck.

Looking bored and vapid with her manwhore yesterday:

Fatphobic: (Noun) The fear of becoming overweight, or other individuals who are overweight.

Gwyneth Paltrow only has one fat friend, but if you ask her that's still one fat friend too many. Anyway, the friend some guy named Mario Batali who is supposedly fat, but Gwyneth is trying to get him to see the error of his fat ways.

OVER the years, Mario "Fanta Pants" Batali's weight has ballooned along with his ego. It's gotten so bad, insiders said, that his pal Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, "Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." A rep for Paltrow didn't return e-mails. (Source)

What an asshole. I mean, sometimes you hear this stuff about Gwyneth Paltrow and you think, she can't really be this big of an asshole, can she? It's just not physically possible. If she's just a giant, gaping asshole, why hasn't she literally swallowed up the universe like a big black asshole* by now? It's these kinds of things I ponder while reading my Popular Science magazines.

* Editor's note: Hello, new readers, who have just surfed in from google!

I'm posting these pictures of her again from the Valentino: The Last Emperor premiere, because just look at this dress. No really, JUST LOOK AT IT:

Fat Ass: (Noun) A very large, fat, fatty of a fat person.

Ha ha, Kevin Federline is still fat. And now NutriSystem wants to help him be, I don't know, not as fat. Ha ha ha.

Since last year, Kevin Federline has packed on the pounds — one pal estimates that the former backup dancer has gained more than 40 — and his new job may be to shed that fat. According to another friend, K-Fed, 31, has been offered a deal with NutriSystem to promote its Men’s Plan program.

“Kevin wants to lose weight, and he needs to make money,” the friend says. “He’s seriously thinking it over.” However, Kevin’s rep denies that he’s going to work for NutriSystem. (Source)

I think he should take the money too. And NutriSystem should dangle it in front of him on a stick and make him run for it on a treadmill. Then they should film it and that should be the entire commercial. I don't know if that would help demonstrate how their Men’s Plan program works, but hell, I would buy it. And I'm not even a man, or fat.

More of K Fat fatting around the town:

Preposterous: (Adjective) Contrary to reason or common sense; utterly absurd or ridiculous.

Just so you know, Beyoncé heard what you've been saying about her, about how she can't sing? Yeah. Well, she thinks you're full of shit.

"Of course I'm just hearing about this today — and I haven't heard it but it sounds completely ridiculous," Beyoncé said at the junket for her forthcoming film "Obsessed." "Everyone's heard me sing and it's perfect timing, actually, because I'll be on the 'Today' show tomorrow singing 'Halo,' or tonight you can watch me sing live on David Letterman! It's perfect promotion, whoever came up with that idea." (Source)

See? Beyoncé is so confident about her singing she doesn't even need to hear the tape to know it's a fake. That's how good she is. When it comes to Beyoncé's awesomeness, there is no room for error. Kind of like the Hoover Dam. In fact, that should just be her new slogan. Beyoncé: The Hoover Dam of Awesomeness. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Strutting it outside of Letterman last night:

Inviting Bai Ling to a childrens' charity dinner and expect her not to act slutty is like taking your dog to a dog park and expect him not to sniff other dogs asses. (Celebslam)

Amy Smart is becoming America's Sweetheart of shitty movies. (Pajiba)

Fergie is going to have to start wrapping her head like Little Edie from Grey Gardens. (Yeeeah!)

Paula Abdul is still saying that she doesn't drink or take drugs. (The Blemish)

Billy Bob tries to explain his douchebaggery; surprisingly comes off as a douchebag. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh, creepy. Octomom used to be a stripper and called herself "Angelina." (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse is getting in touch with her maternal side. (Agent Bedhead)

Michelle Rodriquez isn't known for her calm tempter or charming personality. (AllieIsWired)

Damn! Beyonce totally can't sing for shit! Ha ha ha ha! (CelebSmack)

Summer Glau is a total babe. (usemycomputer)

Tori Spelling might have to go to rehab for anorexic people. (popbytes)

How many times does Jennifer Lopez get changed in one day? (Lainey Goss)

Healthy: (Adjective) Indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health.

Lindsay Lohan was seen out shopping with her sister yesterday discreetly dressed in a halter dress with no bra on, and judging from these photos I think it's safe to say she's back on her all cocaine and semen diet. Which is kind of a coincidence because I, myself, am back on my diet pills and leftover Easter candy diet. You know, trying to slim down in time for summer and all. I gotta hand it to her though, sperm may not taste as delicious as those miniature, candy-coated Whopper eggs, but what it lacks in flavor it more than make up for in nutrients. If only I had her dedication.

Breeder: (Noun) An animal that breeds at a particular time or in a particular way.

Audrina Patridge is the latest face of PETA, appearing in a new ad encouraging people to adopt shelter animals. Since Audrina is a (A) retarded (B) famewhore, she overwhelmingly met both qualifications to become a PETA spokesmodel.

In a statement released by PETA, Patridge says, "Each year, 6 to 8 million unwanted dogs and cats are turned in to shelters, and half are killed because there aren't enough good homes. The solution is as easy as ABC - animal birth control. Always spay and neuter, and never buy from a pet store or a breeder." (Source)

That's a great statement, but what we could really use is a public figure advocating the spaying and neutering of "The Hills" castmembers. It's one thing to perpetuate stupidity, but quite another to start, you know, playing God with it. We've got one chance here, and after that our only hope is that some kind of Terminator figure comes back from the future to keep Heidi and Spencer from doing it.

More of Anorexrina and her retardical new tattoo at Paleyfest last night:

Punch Line: (Noun) The final phrase of a joke, providing the humor or other crucial element.

Ooh! Ooh! I've totally heard this one before. Bono, Bill Clinton and Bon Jovi walk into a bar... How does the rest go? Crap. I could have sworn it had something to do with Jon Bon getting slipped a shit ton of roofies and waking up ball gagged and hog-tied. Damn, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

Understanding: (Noun) Sympathetic awareness or tolerance.

It's been over two months since the Chris Brown-Rihanna incident happened, and since then everyone and their brohter has weighed in on the situation. But... Oh, wait! We still haven't heard what famous boxer, domestic abuser and rapist, Mike Tyson thinks!

When asked about Brown by MTV News this week, Tyson said, "It's none of my business, but you know what I say about that? I understand the situation. I understand passion with young kids.

"My personal opinion about that is, he's just a baby," he continued, with a tone of empathy toward the 19-year-old Brown. "He's just a little baby that don't know how to handle his emotions when it comes to a woman. And he probably hears this and thinks, 'I know how to handle my emotions'; we all think we do. But the fact [is], you look at this person and you might be crazy in love, but we don't know how to handle those feelings." (Source)

Well I'll be darned. Who knew, Mike Tyson of all people, was capable of complex, higher-brain-functioning emotions like empathy -- albeit misguided empathy. I mean, it's not like the guy was saying that he "gets O.J." or anything. Because, it'd take just a real lowlife piece of shit to say something like that.

More of the guy Hulk Hogan makes look good in comparison... And a baby!

Open-Minded: (Adjective) Willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.

Gays of the United States can rejoice! Miss California may think you're a bunch of hell-bound sinners, but Miley Cyrus wants you to know that Miss California is an effing bitch and she totally has your back. Yeah! Suck on that, you sash-wearing slag!

"That's lame!" Cyrus wrote in a series of tweets that began yesterday morning. "God's greatest commandment is to love. and judging is not loving. thats why christians have such a bad rep. <3"

Later, she added, "Jesus loves you AND your partner and wants you to know how much he cares! That's like a daddy not loving his lil boy cuz hes gay." (Source)

There you have it folks, the least despicable thing that has ever come out of Miley Cyrus' mouth. In fact, it's not even despicable at all. In fact, it damn near endears her to me, for the first time ever. So of course the sad thing about this is that by the end of the week she'll still be apologizing for her words after the bible-beating, redneck parents of her demographic descend onto Disney headquarters lynching Mickey Mouse in effigy. I guess poor Miley just can't win no matter what she does. Which is why she should just throw herself off a cliff. I think it'd be best for everyone this way.

More of Miley Cyrus; Friend to the Gays at a Madrid Hannah Montana photocall:

Aww, Michael Cera's girlfriend made a documentary about love. And she fell in love while filming the documentary about love. With Michael Cera. How fucking adorable. (Pajiba)

See? This is why Richard Branson is better than you. (DrunkenStepfather)

Kim Kardashian is still insisting that she's a size 2. (The Blemish)

Here's scientific evidence that Nicole Kidman's entire face is pretty much synthetic. (Yeeeah!)

Aww, here's a picture of John Mayer when he was just a little douche-bagglet. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan wants to move to London. Good. Keep her. (Celebitchy)

Here's a realistic artist's depiction of Madonna at 70. (cityrag)

I hate Halle Berry's Soloist premiere dress. (BricksAndStones)

Eminem's new "Relapse" CD cover looks like his portrait sculpted out of barf. (POTP)

Miss California may be a bigoted asshole, but Perez Hilton is a hypocritical asshole. Basically, they both lose. (CollegeCandy)

More Lady Gaga idiocy. (CelebWarship)

Although, one good thing about Lady Gaga is that it means less Katy Perry. (IDWYL)

Inescapable: (Adjective) Unable to be avoided or denied.

I've been doing my best to ignore writing about the retarded antics Lady Gaga, but it's such a slow news day today that literally my only other option was to report on Brangelina going to the grocery store. So here is Lady Gaga. Basically, Lady Gaga is the product of what would happen if Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies fornicated with Mary Poppins. And if it didn't wear pants. So great, there you go. Now you know what it would look like if that happened.

Clarification: (Noun) The act of making a statement or situation less confused and more clearly comprehensible.

Lindsay Lohan is firing back at reports that came out yesterday that she was considering joining the Las Vegas burlesque show "Peepshow," which is currently starring Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Kelly Monaco.

But Lohan, who saw the Peepshow premiere over the weekend, says that for the right amount of money, she would be open to making a onetime appearance in the Sin City spectacle. "One show as a guest would be fun," she says, adding that she'd do it just "for play."

Lohan, 22, wanted to clarify a Fox News report from Monday in which she was quoted as saying, "If they make me an offer and the money's right, I'll do it." (Source)

So yes, just to clear things up: She won't do it for the right amount of money; she'll do it one time for the right amount of money. Did you honestly think that Lindsay Lohan has nothing better to do than take on a job that she has to regularly show up to? Like, every day? Please. That's a complete insult to the utter lack of hard work and nonexistent devotion that's gotten Lindsay to where she is today.

More of Lindsay and Scary at the opening of "Peepshow":

Cryptic: (Adjective) Having a meaning that is mysterious or obscure.

The Jonas Brothers have revealed the cover of their fourth studio album (really?) to be released on June 15th, and the internet is abuzz as to the meaning of the title: "Lines, Vines and Trying Times." So to break it down, I'm assuming "Lines" is some kind of drug reference, while "Vines" somehow relates to Tarzan and "Trying Times" refers to the state of the economy. So if I had just one guess as to what the title of the album means, I'd say it has something to do with the Jonas Brothers being totally gay. I mean, hello, it's a Jonas Brothers album. That's pretty much the only thing it could be about.

Looking like three gay Indiana Jonses at the 17 Again premiere:

Scraps: (Nouns) Waste or discarded material that which can be put to another purpose.

Oh, hooray! The Kardashians are getting a new reality show. Oh, not the one with the big butt that people marginally care about -- the other two. You know, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian and the little quiet one. It's called "Kourtney and Khloe in Miami" and follows the two sisters as they open another one of those Dash stores.

The girls try to focus on designing and hiring staffers for their new store, but get sucked into South Beach's famous party scene.

Khloe is also offered an opportunity to host a local late-night radio talk show, which causes fights between her and serious sis Kourtney -- who wants her to focus on Dash.

"We knew fans could not miss out on this drama-filled duo as they invade such a beautiful, vibrant and notoriously wild city as Miami," says E!'s Executive Vice President Lisa Berger. (Source)

Wow, that sounds really super exciting. I even can't think of anything more exciting than this show sounds. Except maybe for the Crank movies, rollercoasters or a big satisfying dump in the morning.

The Kardashian sisters three at the Bravo "A List" Awards. (Editor's note: HA.)

They could have picked a black guy to play Zac Efron in 20 years and it would be more believable than Matthew Perry. (Pajiba)

Uck. Kirsten Dunst is the most disgusting human being on the face of the Earth. (Celebslam)

I'll give you two reasons to see Jessica Biel's new movie. The lefty and the righty. (Yeeeah!)

Joss Stone gave everyone an eyeful at Coachella this weekend. (The Blemish)

The cast of "Home Improvement" reunited for the TV Land Awards except for Pam Anderson and the gay one. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan is literally going to start stripping for a living. This is beyond sadness. (Celebitchy)

I'm pretty sure now that Lady Gaga is keeping her cocaine in teacups. (AllieIsWired)

Here's an interview with the craziest skank ever to give Bret Michaels a venereal disease. (CelebSmack)

Mandy Moore looks way grown up in Details. (usemycomputer)

Even my cold, black little heart can admit that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal look adorable together. (Lainey Goss)

Morrissey gets melodramatic over the smell of burning animals. (omg blog)

"The Hills" people are starting to spill over onto Bravo now. On the bright side Heidi and Spencer still don't have their own show yet. (IBBB)

Homophobe: (Noun) Someone with a an extreme and irrational aversion to homosexuals.

Hey, so still wondering how Prop 8 managed to get passed in a state as liberal as California? Well here's your answer. At the Miss USA Pageant this weekend, Miss California was asked a question about gay marriage and naturally answered in a way that brought shame to her entire state. Good job!

At the Las Vegas pageant, Prejean, 21, was asked by judge Perez Hilton how she felt about legalizing gay marriage. "In my country, and in my family, I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," she replied. She later lost out to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton.

"It did cost me my crown," Prejean said of her response on Monday's Billy Bush Show. "I wouldn't have had it any other way. I said what I feel. I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that's all I can do." (Source)

Wait, Perez Hilton is judging the Miss USA Pageant now? Whatever. Anyway, that's a little presumptuous of her to think she got cockblocked from the title just because of her stupid opinion. Did it ever occur to her that maybe she just wasn't pretty enough? Yeah, yeah, I'm kidding. Mostly. Seriously though, this is probably the biggest Miss USA gaffe since Miss Oklahoma '62 said that she thought the Holocaust was a lie.

More of Miss I Heart Prop 8, Perez Hilton and the clearly more attractive winner, Kristen Dalton:

Beached: (Adjective) Of a whale or similar animal stranded out of the water.

Because Brooke Hogan hasn't given up on trying to convince people that she's (A) sexy and (B) a talented singer, here she is splayed out in a bikini at the beach to shoot a new music video for her "comeback" single, "Falling." Hey, a creepy blonde writhing around on a beach in a bikini! There's an interesting concept for a music video. I guess if it's good enough for Heidi Montag, right? Although, at least to Heidi's credit no one had to call in animal control during the filming of her video. Oh, except for during one of the earlier takes when she accidentally bit the head off a seagull. Talk about embarrassing!

More of yuck, and try to divert your eyes away from the black hole:

On The Prowl: (Phrase) Of a person or animal moving around as if in search of prey.

Now that Lindsay Lohan is "on a break" with Samantha Ronson, she's wasting no time in trying to score herself some quality A-list peen. I think she's setting the bar a bit high though, because last week she was apparently trying to get with Leonardo DiCaprio. Really?

Lindsay spotted Leo at Hollywood hotspot My House on Wednesday night. A source said: “As soon as Lindsay saw Leo she was like a bee to honey.

“She was going for the big catch and when she spotted him in a dark corner of the club she headed straight for him. “She quickly monopolised his conversation and made sure she had him all to herself.

“Lindsay is a sharp tac. She wasn’t wasting her time chatting up small fish. She seemed interested in the gents with deeper pockets, probably because her career is on a downward trajectory.

“The pair were cosied up together deep in conversation. She definitely tickled his fancy.” As the night went on and the drinks flowed, things between her and Leo hotted up and she took to the dancefloor to show off her talents. (Source)

Leonardo DiCaprio has banged his way through most of the world's most beautiful women, and is currently linked to ubermodel Bar Rafaeli. Lindsay Lohan shows up to places with band-aids on her fingers and splotches of spray tanner on her arms. This story couldn't be any more fictional if it ended up with them hopping onto the back of a winged unicorn and flying off to the Land of Gumdrops. I'll give whichever member of the Lohan family who fabricated this a C+ for effort, though.

More of Lindsay last Wednesday at the Armani Exchange launch for A|X Watches:

Douche-Off: (Noun) An event in which two or more people compete for douche-bag supremacy.

Spencer Pratt must have been jealous, what with Ashton Kutcher hogging up all of the universe's douchiness last week with that twitter contest of his. So naturally, Spencer is doing the most logical thing and challenging Kelso to a twitter contest of his own.

"Ashton had a huge head start, but I believe in my Twitter family," Pratt, who currently has 194,048 followers on the social networking site, tells Usmagazine.com. "From the moment Ashton accepts my challenge, assuming he's man enough to do so, whoever adds the most new followers in 30 days wins."

"If I win, Ashton and Demi [Moore, his wife] have to wash my car," he says. If he loses to the Twitter pro, who now has 1,093,794 followers, Pratt adds that "Heidi [Montag] and I will clean their house." (Source)

Whether or not Ashton Kutcher is "man enough" to accept his challenge will probably depend if he's "man enough" to even know who the hell Spencer Pratt is in the first place. And that will depend on whether or not he has anything better to do than lie around and watch "The Hills" reruns all day. Oh wait, what am I saying? This is Ashton Kutcher we're talking about. We should expect his confirmation any minute now.

More of the turds gifts that keeps on smelling giving at Perez Hilton's birthday party:

Going by these promo photos, Sasha Baron Cohen's new Bruno movie is going to be amazing. An amazingly unfunny piece of crap. (Agent Bedhead)

Jason Statham unloads his latest wad of cinematic jizz. (Pajiba)

Rupert Everett is a different man. And not in the non-creepy, introspective way. (Yeeeah!)

The art of subtlety continues to be lost on Lady Gaga. (The Blemish)

Because CNN honestly has nothing else important to report on whatsoever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney continues to be unable to find a man without a girlfriend, wife or babymama. (Celebitchy)

It took Matthew McConaughey an hour to find the vagina. Please. I've seen the size of his wiener. It's huge. (Celebslam)

GROSS. Ali Lohan looks like she was making out with Paris Hilton's vagina. (AllieIsWired)

Kanye and his girlfriend-bot Amber Rose pose nekkid for Vuitton. (CelebSmack)

Sienna Miller is back out on the prowl. And by prowl I mean "whoring." (Lainey Goss)

Kim Kardashian's cameltoe (say that three times fast) is not to be trifled with. (IBBB)

Milestone: (Noun) An event marking a significant change or stage in development.

Everyone's favorite adorable cult member, Suri Cruise, celebrated the big zero-three yesterday. They grow up so fast!

Parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes planned a princess-themed party for their daughter, which included a cake featuring Belle from Beauty and the Beast and a treasure hunt.

"They just wanted to keep it small and make it fun for Suri and her friends," says a source. (Source)

See now, I was way off base. I thought it was her third birthday that the ritualistic ceremony was to take place in which her physical body would become a vessel for the great L. Ron Hubbard's eternal spirit. But now I think about it, that might actually be her fourth birthday when that happens. My bad. In the meantime, I guess that Beauty and the Beast and treasure hunt crap sound like fun too, though.

The great and powerful Suri and family in Japan last month:

Special: (Adjective) Better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.

Oh, now isn't this just fucking precious? Paris Hilton is dressed up like the Bee Girl from that Blind Melon video. Of course, the message of that video was something along the lines of true beauty being on the inside, and that every outcast eventually finds their flock. The only difference here is that Paris Hilton is completely and unequivocally disgusting both inside and out, and God help us all if there's more out there like her. And here we thought the biggest threat to the American way of life was just the terrorists. Nice call there, Bush administration.

Heartbreaker: (Noun) A person who is very attractive but who is irresponsible in emotional relationships.

Despite bringing him as her date and clamping onto him with the vice grip of death for the New York premiere and after party of Grey Gardens, Drew Barrymore told Ellen yesterday that she and MacGuy McMackerson are just "good friends" and that she "loves" being single.

"We're doing a film this summer," she says. "I guess people find it a little confusing. I totally understand. It seems like, 'What is the deal with them?' But we just adore each other. We're in each other's lives, and we're friends, and we're working together, and we have worked together."

Would she be jealous if he began dating someone else? Nah. She wants him to meet "fantastic people because he's a great guy, and he deserves the most happiness," says said. (Source)

I would like to know. Exactly just how fucking retarded is Drew Barrymore? No dude follows his ex-girlfriend around like a puppydog because he buys into that whole "We Used to Go Out but Now We're the Very Best Friends in the Whole World" bullshit. She can wish him happiness all she wants, but he's going to have a tough time finding it while curled into the fetal position, clutching a couch cushion and blubbering while watching the "Ellen" show.

Drew at the Los Angeles premiere of Grey Gardens last night. Can I just say how much I love her dress? LOVE.

Congratulations: (Noun) An expression of praise for an achievement on a special occasion.

I didn't report on this story before, on account of how overwhelmingly goddamn lame it was, but Ashton Kutcher has won his twitting contest with CNN to reach a million followers. Kelso marginally beat out the network by about 30 minutes, hitting the mark early this morning.

"We are over a million. CNN is still trying to get there. And that is just how it goes," Kutcher said as he popped open the bubbly. "There are a million people that need to be thanked for this." "This is David versus Goliath," Kutcher said.

"This just shows how people want to get information. It is about us. It means that one man can have a voice as loud as a media network." (Source)

Just like David and Goliath. Yes, that is almost EXACTLY what it was like. David was armed with nothing but his sling and five stones taken from a brook, and Ashton was armed with nothing but a photo of his wife's ass. Also, David freed his people from the Philistines and Ashton, uh, got more friends on twitter. It just goes to show, figurative translations of the Bible are still just as relevant, if not more, even today!

More of the Twit King during filming of his new movie, 5 Killers:

Why does Mitch Hurwitz's new animated series not seem as funny as it should be? (Pajiba)

Oh, so that's why they call her "Lady" Gaga. (Yeeeah!)

Zac Efron fell peen-first onto a male security guard. (The Blemish)

That Fantasia chick from "Idol is getting her own show for some reason. (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna is apparently riding the Jesus Express again. (Celebitchy)

Scooby Doo is apparently making a huge fashion comeback. (cityrag)

The fact that Kim Kardashian has her own workout DVD is one of life's greatest mysteries. (IDWYL)

Mandy Moore shoots herself in the foot. (CelebWarship)

Jessica Alba has the tramp seal of approval. (BricksAndStones)

I think Dr. Drew needs to go to famewhore and spelling rehab. Asshole. (POTP)

What are the best drinking holidays? (CollegeCandy)

DEAR GOD, NO. Demi Moore needs to have a brassiere intervention with her potato head daughter. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

Practical: (Adjective) Suitable for a particular purpose.

Miley Cyrus took a little jogging constitutional the other night wearing Uggs, hoop earrings, and carrying a cell phone. I guess on the grand scale of Miley's retardation, it makes just as much sense as going jogging in a bikini, which would be "almost no sense whatsoever." I swear, when God was handing out brains, Miley Cyrus probably thought he said trains, and then said to herself, "Hey, I know! Let's all put on some ice skates and go for a swim."

Spare Parts: (Noun) A duplicate part to replace a lost or damaged part of a machine.

What ... The fuck. Is wrong with Tori Spelling's boobs? No seriously, someone tell me. That's great that she got that pothole fixed and all, but now it looks like somebody tried playing Pin the Tit on the Donkey* with her chest. Does her plastic surgeon moonlight as a mad scientist? Even Frankenstein wouldn't tap that ass. Frankenstein would be all, "Really? That's as realistic as you can make 'em? No, no, sure. I mean, yeah, she's great and all ... But I'm kind of just looking for a girl friend here. You know, a friendship thing."

* Tori Spelling would be the literal/figurative donkey in this scenario.

Druggies: (Plural Noun) Two or more drug addicts.

We all know Heidi and Spencer are fans of the reefer by now, thanks to Shit for Brains Shit Mouth posting this picture of Heidi on his twitter with a giant bong in the background. Now it's coming out that the two were also recently spotted at The Farmacy, a medical marijuana clinic in L.A., according to Star:

In California, people suffering from chronic pain and other illnesses can get a medical marijuana card with a doctor's prescription. "It's not like Heidi and Spencer seem sick or anything," says a witness. "I can't imagine why they would need to be there."

Their rep — who did not deny they bought pot — says the couple were there for a Web-based reality show. But it seemed they didn't want anyone to know! The usually flashy duo went incognito, wearing jeans and tees with matching sunglasses.

"They were definitely trying not to be noticed," says the witness. "I guess they don't want their fans to think they smoke!" (Source)

Wait a minute, Heidi and Spencer were trying not to be noticed? Is this some kind of sick joke? Opposite day? What are they going to tell us next, that cows have learned to use their higher brain functions, walk on two legs and are planning on enslaving mankind and condemning us to lives of slaughterhouses and dairy farming? You're scaring me, Star magazine. Please, stop it.

More of Frick and Frack "trying not to be noticed" at the grocery store last August:

Homewrecker: (Noun) Someone who breaks up the marriage of a couple by having an extramarital affair.

Hey everyone, meet Mel Gibson's whore! Did you honestly think a high-profile, crispidy, crunchedy Hollywood divorce wouldn't have a creamy, salacious filling? Anyway, the lucky lady is a 24-year-old (natch) Russian pop singer named Oksana Pochepa.

Smitten Oksana, who first hit the Russian charts aged 13, said yesterday: “This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting.

“We are different people, but Mel is a grown man and knows precisely what he wants and me too — I know what I want.”

The singer, who is also a model, claimed to have visited Mel on the set of a movie in Boston last summer. But she added the two were not yet ready to go public with details of their love. She said: “I would not like to say more right now.” (Source)

Aww, I'm kind of disappointed Sugar Tits decided to stop there. Mel Gibson is supposedly worth in the area of $900 million, and going by what she's divulged so far, I'd put him left with a broken toaster oven and a couple packs of Lance's "Captain's Wafers" on his end of the divorce settlement. Maybe next time she can shoot for getting those crackers taken away, too.

Risky: (Adjective) Full of the possibility of danger, failure, or loss.

In "The Best Thing That Has Happened To Jessica Simpson In As Long As I Can Remember" news, someone is taking a chance on Jessica Simpson! Well, sort of. For Sunday's Miss USA pageant, the contestants will be wearing none other than Jessica Simpson bikinis!

The singer-actress-designer's Jessica Simpson Collection snagged the coveted crown as the annual beauty pageant's swimwear sponsor this year, usurping Syrup Swimwear which provided teensy suits for the past two years.

Identical $104 white 'n' gold string bikinis were especially created for the contest, as well as the $88 bright green string bikinis modeled by the crown-chasers during a pre-pageant photo shoot in Las Vegas. (Source)

If these swimsuits are anything like Jessica Simpson, they will probably fall apart onstage, only this time send everyone else running away crying. And it will go down as the best Miss USA pageant in the history of all Miss USA pageants. (Editor's note: Boobies!!!)

More of Jessica on Easter with a hideous orange muumuu and freshly collagened lips:

Happy Tax Day! Here's five movies about accountants. (Pajiba)

Lisa Rinna is suspiciously fully-clothed on the cover of her issue of Playboy. Oh, did I say "suspiciously?" I mean THANKFULLY. (CelebSmack)

Britney Spears might be engaged. But, it's probably bullcrap. (Yeeeah!)

Wow, Eminem looks totally different. And all it took was a shit ton of Photoshop. (The Blemish)

WTF did Seth Green do to his hair??? (Seriously? OMG!)

Jessica Simpson doesn't need enemies, she's got her parents. (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton is moving onto the next blandly handsome sack of meat. (Celebslam)

Oh, I'm sorry ... Did you still have respect for Quentin Tarantino? My apologies. (Agent Bedhead)

Why is Kate Beckinsale dressed like the Easter Bunny? (usemycomputer)

Zac Efron is popping up everywhere these days. And NO, that wasn't a euphemism for "boner." (popbytes)

Jason Bateman and his daughter?? OMG, so much cuteness!!!! (Lainey Goss)

Presidential: (Adjective) Of or pertaining to a president or presidency.

Hey, guess what? Spencer Pratt wants to run for government office someday! Because, of course he does! Sure, why not.

"Don't know if I'll be getting elected any time in the next century or so, but definitely going after mayor of L.A. and at least governor," he tells celebrity blog Pop Sugar. "I'll probably stop at Governor."

He then quips, "I mean, if people were really pushing for me [to run for president] at that point, I'll probably have to step into that role. That pressure may be a little much." (Source)

Everything Spencer Pratt says out of his stupid shit mouth is full of shit and not true whatsoever. Everybody knows it. Which is a shame, because I bet for a hot minute there George W. got his hopes up that he might not go down in history as the worst President of the United States after all. Well I hope you're happy with yourself now, Spencer. You made the former President sad. You stinkin' jerk.

President Gorton Fisherman's Beard and First Lady Blow-Up Doll out in Hollywood last week:

Self-Esteem: (Noun) Confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who often reminds us that she loves herself no matter what and has no body issues whatsoever, has posed for the May issue of Maxim. To prove to herself how comfortable she is with her body. Get it? Exactly.

Just why did she want to appear in the sexy magazine again? She confesses, "It's nice to have the Maxims of the world out there. You can look at them when you're 80 and be like, 'See? No, really, I was cute. I promise!'" (Source)

That makes perfect sense. So she can look at them when she's 80. To remind herself!! Or, you know, in three months from now once she falls off her 600 calorie per day diet and sees an unflattering picture of herself on the cover of Star magazine. Don't worry, it's cool. Just as long as she still loves herself.

More of Cap'n Confidence for Maxim:

Glamorous: (Adjective) Full of glamour; charmingly or fascinatingly attractive.

Drew Barrymore attended the premiere of Grey Gardens, the full-length HBO film adaptation of the documentary with the same name, decked out in fabulous 20's flapper style with on-again, off-again boyfriend Justin Long on her arm. I'm not a big fan of Drew, but I think she looks amazing and pulls the look off flawlessly. Having said that, I think in the future I'd like to see more of Drew with stuff covering her face. What? No! I didn't mean it like that. I meant the mouth part of her face. Right? Because she's really, super annoying whenever she opens it. Oh, because ... Did you think I meant? The other thing? Well that is all on you. I absolve myself of any and all blame on that one.

Homicidal: (Adjective) Of, relating to, or tending toward murder.

Here's the shocker of the century: Hulk Hogan empathizes with OJ Simpson. Yeah, you know the OJ Simpson who bloodily hacked apart his wife and male friend? The Hulk gets that guy.

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it." (Source)

For once I'm in complete agreement with Hulk Hogan. You should do it, man. Totally. Totes Magotes. And I can think of the perfect guy to drive the getaway Bronco, too. (Cue stock footage of car hurling down rocky cliff and bursting into flames.)

More of Knifey McKniferson being creepy with his daughter and girlfriend who looks just like his daughter:

Nasty: (Adjective) Highly unpleasant, esp. to the senses; physically nauseating.

Like a moth to a flame, or like a fly to a pile of dog shit -- Evan Rachel Wood has found her way back into the arms of 40-year-old Marilyn Manson. Aww, how romantic. According to an interview for the May issue of GQ:

More recently, she was linked with her Wrestler co-star, the 56-year-old Mickey Rourke. “There was no truth to it, and it was so annoying,” says Wood, now 21, who is back with Manson after “taking some time” away from the relationship. Of Rourke, she says: “The friendship was intimate and nice, and this makes it weird.” (Source)

OK, so she wasn't "dating" Mickey Rourke, she only had an "intimate friendship" with him. Whatever the fuck that means. And now she's back with Marilyn Manson? Jesus. Hasn't Evan Rachel Wood ever met any nice boys her own age? Or even a skeevy old dude who isn't in the top percentile of skeevy old dudes? At this point she could literally date her own uncle and somehow it would be a step up.

More of Daddy Issues McGillicuddy vamping it up for GQ:

Uhhh, so here is one of the freakiest looking film trailers I've ever seen. I want my Mommy, indeed. (Pajiba)

Sceintology must have brainwashed Katie Holmes into thinking she's a teenager in 1993. (BricksAndStones)

Jenna Jameson attributes her easy labor to doing sit-ups, not the fact that her vaginal opening is the size of a hula hoop. (The Blemish)

Nicolette Sheridan tells Marc Cherry to suck it. Seriously, she was like the best out of all those hags on that show. (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox's engagement to Brian Austin Green is back on, but she's not planning on marrying him. Yeah, I don't get it either. (Celebitchy)

Oh and speaking of engagements, Pam Anderson is getting married again. Who's the lucky guy this week? (Yeeeah!)

Who's Britney banging now? This could be a prime time game show. (cityrag)

Lindsay is still identifying herself with Marilyn Monroe. That's healthy. (CelebWarship)

Jessica Simpson treats us to an eyeful of hiney. (POTP)

Here's proof that facebook has jumped the shark. (CollegeCandy)

Annalynne McCord is the latest celebrity to shill out for the Wal-Mart basdtardization of the OP brand. (DrunkenStepfather)

Kim Kardashian doesn't have the legs of a woman who works out, because she doesn't work out. Not unless there's a DVD deal in it for her. (IDWYL)

Dead Weight: (Noun) The weight of an inert person or thing.

Awww, sad news: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are reportedly on the rocks. FYI: That would be the former Mr. Jessica Simpson and chick from "TRL," if you've forgotten. I know, it took me a minute, too.

A source close to the ex-boybander says the two “are on the rocks big time. They argue all the time, and Nick is done with her. He feels like she’s holding him back, careerwise.”

Sure enough, Lachey’s career isn’t as hot as it used to be. His latest single, “Patience,” hasn’t even cracked the pop charts, though a friend close to the singer is quick to note “it’s doing well on the adult contemporary.” (When we checked, it was No. 39 on Billboard’s Hot Adult Top 40 list after five weeks of airplay, and it topped out on the Pop 100 Airplay list at No. 75 back in March.) (Source)

FACT: The only way Vanessa could be "holding Nick back" is if she's too dumb to star in a reality show where he rolls his eyes and appears constantly visibly agitated with her. Because as history shows, that is pretty much the only thing Nick Lachey has ever proven to excel at or have a marketable talent for. He should just count his blessings he's not working as a cashier at Jiffy Lube by now.

More of Nick showing off his douchey pecs and lame tattoos at some event for a radio station in February:

Freakish: (Adjective) Bizarre or grotesque; abnormal.

Tori Spelling and family got all gussied up in matching outfits for the release of her new autobiographical book, Mommywood, and ... I have absolutely no idea why they're dressed like this. None whatsoever. But I can say this, the last time I got this freaked out by something green was that time in college I had a bad acid trip and thought Kermit the Frog was trying to kill me. To this day, I still can't watch "The Muppets" without having a flashback.

Also, congratulations to Tori for finally reaching her goal weight of 92lbs!

Nice Try: (Phrase) Response to a valiant, yet ultimately fruitless effort.

Chelsea Handler, along with Padma Lakshmi, Eliza Dushku, Sharon Leal, and Lynn Collins, posed nude for the May issue of Allure magazine. Well, a nubile, 19-year-old model posed nude for Allure magazine, anyway, and Chelsea Handler's head was crudely pasted on top. Indeed Watson, my first clue was that the woman's body in this photo, unlike Chelsea Handler, does not appear to possess something I like to call "hips." Additionally, those are not the boobs of a 30-something. Because I've seen the boobs of a 30-something, and it's called "in the mirror every day." And let me tell you, 30-something boobs are some sad, sad, old boobs. Sigh... Now that I think about, I don't think I'd totally mind my own 19-year-old body double. Well played, Chelsea.

The real Chelsea Handler, at an Alzheimer's benefit last month:

Distorted: (Adjective) A misleading or false account or impression of.

Mariah Carey fired back on her twitter account after the mother of all unflattering, hideous dresses she wore on Easter (above, and, yikes) sparked pregnancy rumors. Again.

"I don't know what was worse, the bleak angles and bright peach dress ... or the b.s. commentary/blogs," she says (via Twitter).

Although "Nick looked cute" in the photos, she says she "could've definitely lived without" seeing the pictures. (She also admits that her "dress and hair" were not suitable for the "red carpet.")

She added, "And if I gained a few pounds.. my trainers back living with me again." (Source)

Is this honestly the first time anyone has showed Mariah Carey pictures of herself? She pretty much always looks like 10 pounds of crap stuffed into a 5 pound bag. Girlfriend doesn't need a trainer, she needs a mirror. And maybe a stylist. And someone to throw out all of her crowbars, shoehorns and lube. OK, and maybe a trainer. I'm not going to be totally ridiculous here.

Mariah at Sundance last January breaking zippers and taking names:

Too Soon: (Phrase) The standard response for poking fun of timely or sensitive issues.

Lindsay Lohan is currently starring in this video for Funny Or Die, (which marks the first time she's starred in anything in years!) in which she pokes fun at herself and the media tornado surrounding her breakup with Samantha Ronson as an eHarmony.com commercial spoof. At the end of the clip, she mentions her now famous Us Weekly cover story by saying: "Or, you could find me on the cover of Us Weekly ... Because I'm so alone."

That's great and all. I can always appreciate celebrities having a good sense of humor about themselves, but isn't she like, making fun of a quote that she herself willing gave to Us Weekly just last week? I mean, it was literally six days ago that I wrote about it. That's like if Britney would have gone on "Saturday Night Live" the weekend after her head shaving, umbrella-car-smashing incident and done a sketch parodying it. Come to think of it, even if she did that today it would still be more "funny, oh, I just remembered I have business to take care of in the other room" than "funny ha ha."

Also, really, Lindsay? You keep 90% of gossip websites in business? Please. Get your head out of your ass. I know a girl named Miley who is just itching to take your place.

More of Linds parading around Beverly Hills last week trying not to draw attention to herself:

Who saw the Hannah Montana movie this weekend? I know someone did, fucker was No. 1 at the box office. (Pajiba)

Amy Winehouse's husband got a real looker of a lady knocked up in rehab. (Yeeeah!)

Some singer named Cassie who I don't really know anything about shaved half her head, but not in the fun, crazy Britney context. (The Blemish)

Bret Michaels has a brand new skank of love. (Seriously? OMG!)

Shanna Moakler is like the pot that called the kettle trashy. (Celebitchy)

Breaking news: Tila Tequila lives to infect another day. (Celebslam)

Chris Brown might have found another girl to beat on. (AllieIsWired)

Tori Spelling finally speaks out about Psycho Mom. (CelebSmack)

Lindsay Lohan is coming precariously close to showing off her firecrotch in this dress. (usemycomputer)

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson have a contest to see who can dress the ugliest. Spoiler alert! Jessica won. (Lainey Goss)

HA! Bill O'Reilly tackles the Nintendo craze in 1988. (omg blog)

Here's an "American Idol" recap. The blind kid eats it. (IBBB)

Fed Up: (Adjective) Annoyed or upset at a situation or treatment.

HOOOOOMYGOD! Mel Gibson's wife of twenty-eight years and seven children, has filed for divorce, citing the good old reliable "irreconcilable differences."

"Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so," a rep for Gibson, 53, tells Usmagazine.com in a statement.

TMZ.com alleges that "there is no prenuptial agreement" based on source reporting. In 2006, Gibson's fortune was estimated at $900 million. Under California law, community property -- which includes earnings -- is divided 50/50. (Source)

Finally, Mel Gibson's wife will be able to open her eyes, and for the first time in years, be able to see the world through the eyes of a woman not married to a mysoginistic, sadomasochist Jesus freak with an alcohol problem; but still with half of his money. And Mel Gibson will be able to fall happily back off the wagon and head on down to Spring Break to bang a gaggle of 21-year-old girls. Everyone wins!*

* Not counting any coeds who contract chlamydia from Mel Gibson.

Contaminated: (Adjective) Something made impure by exposure to a polluting substance.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her assy shoulder pads are renting a swanky apartment in Los Angeles while she films Iron Man 2. However, she soon discovered that the place was overrun by filthy, disgusting rats. Let me be the first to say: "Ha ha!"

A friend tells the publication, "Gwyneth wanted everything to be perfect. She was so excited about moving to L.A. with the family and to be closer to her actress mom. It will be the first time in ages that she, Chris and the children will be living together as a family. But her stomach turned at the thought of rats running around. She didn't want her homecoming ruined by those horrible creatures. Being an animal lover, Gwyneth didn't want the vermin harmed, just removed." (Source)

Hmm... Is it just me, or do I totally smell a new GOOP newsletter coming from this? Sure, maybe at first it sounds gross, but think of how better than everyone and enlightened she'll feel about herself if she learns how to coexist with the rats? Mark my words, within months living with the rats will totally be the new macrobiotic diet or naming your kids after fruit.

More of the Queen of the Vermin at the "Valentino: The Last Emperor" premiere:

Failure: (Noun) An unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing.

"Rich Prosecco," the sparking wine in a can that Paris Hilton endorsed by posing naked in gold body paint, is not selling well. Apparently there are warehouses full of the stuff, and retailers can't move it.

Added to that, the company also faces a legal showdown with Italian vintners over the use of the name ‘Prosecco’.

However Austrian owner Guenther Aloys refuses to blame Paris’ endorsement of the drink for its poor performance in the marketplace. He said: “She is the perfect advert for our product. “We have several new campaigns that are already being planned.” (Source)

I've never had Rich Prosecco before, but if Paris Hilton is the "perfect" representation for it I'm guessing that the can itself is very stylish and chic looking while the wine itself tastes like Kool Aid laced with battery acid.

More of Paris and her dumb, douche of a boyfriend at the Schipol airport:

Reunited: (Verb) come together or cause to come together again after a period of separation.

Nick Jonas had lunch with Miley Cyrus, whom he dated before he started pulling in Selena Gomez caliber tail, at the Village Idiot restaurant in West Hollywood this weekend. You can tell that he's really enjoying himself and almost definitely not contractually obligated to be there for an upcoming Disney project by how he walks like ten feet in front of her at all times and the way his neck veins seem to bulge out in her presence. See? This is just another way that working for like Disney is like making a deal with the devil. I can't imagine a purgatory worse than listening to Miley Cyrus tell her umpeenth story about the totally hilarious thing that her underwear model boyfriend did that time all the while she sizes you up like a dog in heat. Not a hell worse.

Wah: (Exclamation) A crying noise like a stupid, blubbery baby makes.

Billy Bob Thornton's band, The Boxbasters, canceled the Canadian leg of their tour Friday night after they got booed mercilessly following Billy Bob acting like a total jackass on Canada's "Q-TV." Apparently Canadians don't care much for being called "mashed potatoes without the gravy" or having their beloved television personalities lambasted by pompous, spoiled celebrity jackasses.

The band was Willie Nelson's opening act. A note posted on Nelson's Web site Friday night said the Boxmasters were cutting their Canadian dates "due to one band member and several of the crew having the flu."

On their own Web site, they said they planned to rejoin the tour on April 14 in Stamford, Conn., "after they've had time to recover." (Source)

What a shame. I had no idea that eating an ungodly amount of crow could actually make a person physically ill. I hope it's nothing serious, or that he hasn't just come down with a bout of Pathetic Old Man Soul Patch Fever. I hear that can be nasty.

More of the Blastmasters playing the Country Music Hall of Fame last fall:

Flattering: (Adjective) Of a garment or color enhancing someone's appearance.

Miley Cyrus attended a screening of the Hannah Montana movie in Nashville last night, and, good news! It turns out her stylist hates her just as much as everyone else does! The girl is not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but Jesus. This dress is like the dress equivalent of one of those ruched one-piece swimsuits with the skirts attached that old ladies wear to their water aerobics classes.

Also, what's up with Billy Ray's soul patch these days? It looks like it's gradually taking over his entire face:

CONFESSION TIME! I actually used to like Color Me Badd. Yeah, yeah, suck my dick. (Pajiba)

Oooh, yay! Frick and Frack are working on a music video for Frick's new song. (Yeeeah!)

Today is like a veritable cornucopia of Heidi and Spencer. I can't even sufficiently preface this link other than by saying it made me laugh for ten whole minutes straight. (The Blemish)

Michelle Williams, Matilda and Spike Jonze are too cute. But seriously? My mom and babysitter once dislocated my sister's arm doing this. They should be more careful. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mischa Barton advocates "naked body confidence," now that she's dropped six dress sizes, of course. (Celebitchy)

Somebody fed Lindsay Lohan after midnight or got her wet, and now we're all gonna pay. (Celebslam)

Damns, Katie Holmes is looking hella rough these days. (Agent Bedhead)

Billy Bob thinks he was right; gets booed at a concert. Dickhole. (AllieIsWired)

Here's some vintage hot buttered Brad Pitt, before Angelina owned his testicles. (CelebSmack)

More embarrassing walk of shame ever: Leaving Russell Brand's house in a bathrobe after a threesome. (Lainey Goss)

This clip combined two of my great loves: Maury and The Soup. (IBBB)

Difference: (Noun) A point or way in which people or things are not the same.

Audrina Patridge is sounding off on those pesky plastic surgery rumors, because apparently some people out there have had the gall to suggest that her beauty is not 100% natural. The nerve!

"People think I've got my nose done. My chin done. I just laugh at it," she tells Extra. "I'm just losing my baby fat - everyone grows up and changes." "There's always rumors," she adds.

"People are always going to point things out and it's entertainment. It's funny. Doesn't bother me. Goes in one ear, out the other. I read it, forget it." (Source)

FYI, the photo on the left was taken on November 18th and the photo on the right was taken on December 10th after no one conveniently saw Audrina for three weeks. I guess it's almost the same face, right? Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not. I've seen Mrs. Potato Head dolls go through less extreme transformations.

More of Convincing McLiarpants  at the MTV Australia Awards last month:

Lapse: (Noun) A weak or careless decline from previously high standards.

It sounds like K-Fed is up to his same old tricks again. While dining at a T.G.I. Friday's recently, (hee!) he ditched his girlfriend Victoria Price to go outside to smoke and flirt with girls.

"He left the table to go chain-smoke outside," a fellow diner reports. "He was outside for, like, 20 minutes." Looked like Ms. Prince may not have been too thrilled about Federline's disappearance.

Says the source, "He was talking to some other girls outside, and when he finally came back to the table, his girlfriend looked angry and they started to argue." (Source)

I feel bad for Victoria. If only there had been some warning or sign that her boyfriend, Kevin Federline, would turn out to be a selfish, philandering piece of crap. Say, if she had turned on "E! News" or "Access Hollywood," or opened up an issue of People magazine, Us Weekly, or Star at some point during the entire duration of his marriage to Britney Spears. But other than that, there was pretty much no way of seeing this coming.

More of K-Fat at his birthday celebration:

Tiresome: (Adjective) Causing one to feel bored or annoyed.

Oh, boy! Heidi and Spencer are getting married. Again!

"This will be the real wedding," says a source close to the couple, who last November staged a fake wedding for cameras in Mexico. "It's being filmed as the season finale for The Hills."

A rep for the couple declined comment.

 E! News has learned that the controversial reality couple has already invited about 110 guests to the nuptials, but the list is expected to grow even larger as the wedding date nears. A source says the couple plans to wed in a sunset ceremony and is looking at a rooftop location for a reception. (Source)

Jesus, what is this, like the third time they'll have gotten married on a fake reality show? How repetitive. "The Hills" couldn't jump the shark more if they literally had Spencer Pratt jump over a shark tank on water skis. Oooh, note to "The Hills" writers: Do that. And make sure to blindfold him, and also equip the sharks with some kind of lasers.

Stupid and Stupider being obnoxious at a furniture store in Hollywood:

Preggs: (Adjective) Short for "pregnant."

No way! Buffy and Chico and the Man Jr. are having a baybay!

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child together, a source close to the couple confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. "They're very excited," says the source, adding that the actress, 31, is due in the fall. (Source)

Funny, when I saw their photo on People's website, I thought for sure they were getting divorced. I could just feel it. You never see them photographed together, not ever, and even that header image is like two years old and it's the most recent I could find. I always just figured they lived in separate wings of the mansion because Sarah Michelle Gellar was too much of a control freak to announce a divorce. But here, it turns out the whole time they were having sex and everything. Boy is my face red!

More of Buffcakes deliberately trying to piss off PETA last fall:

YAY! Mike Judge has a new movie coming out and it looks A-fucking-mazing. (Pajiba)

Miley Cyrus thinks Justin Gaston has brought her "closer to the lord." I thought that the first time I had an orgasm, too. (Celebitchy)

Bruce Springsteen has been handing out dick like candy. (Yeeeah!)

Chuck Bass is a fatty, fatty two-by-four. (The Blemish)

Jennifer Lopez has an entire room of her house for her babies wigs. (Seriously? OMG!)

Keanu and Adrian are: the grizzled gruesome twosome. (Ayyyy!)

The new season of "Celebrity Rehab" is going to focus on sex addicts? Oh hell yes. (cityrag)

Victoria Beckham revisits the 80's, in a bad way. (CelebWarship)

Stop the presses! Lindsay Lohan has been sighted, and she has red hair again! (BricksAndStones)

"South Park" hurt Kanye West's feelings, but good news! He promises not to be a douche about it. (POTP)

Should we all just leave Lindsay Lohan alone? (CollegeCandy)

Katy Perry's ugly sweater matches her ugly face. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Oh, and speaking of Drunken Stepfather, here's an interview with that guy. (IDWYL)

Sanctimonious: (Adjective) Making a show of being morally superior to other people.

Oh, this is rich. Kim Kardashian sounded off on her blog on discovering that Octomom wears the same sunglasses she does, like she cares more about the babies than the horror that weird, icky old Octomom has the same taste as her.

Why is Octomom wearing my Jimmy Choo sunglasses!? I think it's a little ridiculous that she claims she has no money and is on welfare to take care of her 14 children, yet she is out shopping and buying Jimmy Choo sunglasses!

I guess she'd rather spend her octo-dollars on accessories. Aren't 14 accessories enough, Octomom?? Am I sensing a shopping addiction here? Khloe and Kourtney can hook you up with someone who can help you battle this! (Source)

Uh, pot, have you met kettle* yet? When it boils down to it, both Kim Kardashian and Octomom are both famewhores who are primarily famous for what has gone in and out of their vaginas -- whether it be fourteen babies or Ray J.'s gigantic penis (on tape). And in the grand scheme of grueling vagina stories, I'd say Octomom has as much, if not more right to wear Jimmy Choo sunglasses. Ray J's wiener is probably only the equivalent of two, at most, three babies.

* Direct euphimism for Kim Kardashian's ass.

More of Kim at the "No Lindsays Allowed" party:

Doghouse: (Noun) The state of being in mild or temporary disfavor.

Ruh roh, Pete Wentz is gonna be in some deeeeep shit. While his wife Ashlee was home taking care of, oh, their baby son this weekend, guess where Pete was? If you said "partying it up with strippers in Vegas," you sir win a cigar.

The Fall Out Boy bassist — who was without his wife of nearly one year — partied hard with about 50 band members, dancers and pals (including Girls Next Door star Holly Madison) following a sold-out show at the Palms Casino Resort on April 5.

"Everybody was going absolutely crazy," an eyewitness tells Star. "People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip 'n' Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and singing along to his band's own songs, grinding up against the dancers."

At one point he was "dancing on a pool table with the girls," the partygoer adds. (Source)

I for one, am shocked, just absolutely shocked. I never would have seen that coming. Pete Wentz gets caught with his pants down, in a manner of speaking, and it's with girls? Hell, he's got one of them at home. That's like eating canned tuna for lunch every day and then going out to a restaurant and ordering a tuna sandwich when you could have a nice, juicy Italian sausage on a long roll.

More of Fruits Magoots wearing a denim shirt and bow tie at the Kid's Choice Awards:

Difficult: (Adjective) Of a person not easy to please or satisfy.

Britney Spears pissed off concertgoers at a Vancouver stop on her Circus tour last night when she walked offstage 15 minutes into her set complaining that the arena was too smoky, and didn't return until more than a half hour later.

Cigarette smoke from the crowd was blamed, with a female voice announcing to the crowd, "The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes - this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared," the Vancouver Sun reports.

Until the agitated crowd settled down, GM Place was filled with piped-in intermission music played at hockey games - which, one concertgoer told PEOPLE, left the fans "really pissed off. The break in the concert ruined it for everyone. The vibe was gone." (Source)

Don't get me wrong, I'm a nonsmoker and I hate -- hate -- having to breathe other people's cigarette smoke. But doesn't Britney Spears, um ... Smoke? I'm pretty sure she does. So what's the problem here? It's not even like she's really singing, for chrissakes. What else pisses Britney Spears off these days? I guess don't be caught around her with Cheeto dust on your fingers or a Frappacino whipped cream mustache either. And whatever you do, don't even think about talking in a whacked-out British accent in earshot around her. That could set her off like a damn bull in a china shop.

From a Newark show last month:

Apologetic: (Adjective) Regretfully acknowledging or excusing an offense or failure.

Sienna Miller came under some fire during the filming of her new film Mysteries of Pittsburgh, when, on location, she referred to the city as "Shitsburgh" to a reporter. Well, apparently it wasn't her fault, but the reporter's fault for failing to translate her great wit.

"It was a stupid joke because it rhymes. In the hands of a responsible journalist, humor and sarcasm will be translated appropriately," Miller told us with a smirk at the film's Cinema Society/Links of London screening. "It was not meant as disrespectful in any way. In England, we have great rhyming slang, and everyone spends their day rhyming. But for all the trouble that comment caused, there were many people who were supportive." (Source)

Wow, with all the rhyming going on with England, I'm surprised it's not a hotbed for up and coming rappers. Regardless, I think Sienna Miller is failing to see one key point here. Just like the blacks and the gays can use, uh, "certain words" affectionately towards each other, it doesn't mean everyone can. Maybe it's OK for someone from Pittsburgh to make fun of their city, but it doesn't give some spoiled British asshole the right to say it. Likewise, I may refer to where I live as "Filthadelphia" all the time, but if Sienna Miller came here and called it that I'd be the first in line to kick her in the vagina. That's not true. I'd probably still be first in line to kick her in the vagina, even if she didn't say that.

More of Sienna captured in a rare, clothed moment at the Mysteries of Pittsburgh screening:

Douchehole: (Noun) Not just a regular asshole, but a real douchebag of an asshole.

This has already been posted on everybody's mom's blogs by now, but I'm late to the game and couldn't resist. Yesterday Billy Bob Thornton went on Canada's "Q TV" to be interviewed with his band, The Boxbeaters or Boxmisters something or other, and gave an interview that made Joaquin Phoenix look like a stately, eloquent orator in comparison. He rambled incoherently and downright refused to answer questions because the interviewer, Jian Ghomeshi, had the hot nerve to introduce his name in the context of his acting career. You know, the acting career which afforded him the notoriety be in a band that gets gigs anywhere besides the roadhouses playing for free beer. But hey, I think Billy Bob has made his point loud and clear. Next time he shows up at a red carpet for whatever shitty, big paycheck crapfest of a crap movie he's promoting? Just remember -- he's a musician, not an actor. And not just any musician, but a music historian. Don't ask him about what it was like working with the kid from American Pie, ask him about modbilly, or whatever the fuck it is his stupid band plays. Really now? You say it's hillybilly music with mod roots? I'm not following. Explain that again?

More of the greatest thing ever to happen to music at the Sundance film festival (for some reason I can't figure out) in January:

Here's a list of the top 100 one hit wonders from the 80's. (Pajiba)

Britney is rocking with her cock out instead of her pussy. For once. (Lainey Goss)

Bono enjoys some time down south with his wife. (Seriously? OMG!)

Helena Christensen looks amazing for an old lady. (Yeeeah!)

Well I hope you're all very happy with yourselves. You've hurt Hugh Jackman's feelings. The man is a delicate flower, you know. (The Blemish)

Michael Lohan is "clearing his busy schedule" to lend support to Lindsay. Like he hasn't been praying for this day for over a year now. (Celebitchy)

OK, whose idea of a joke was it to have a Kathy Griffin photoshoot? (Celebslam)

Vandals are not impressed with the Crank 2 marketing campaign. (Agent Bedhead)

Miley Cyrus is the new Britney? I think that's pretty obvious. (AllieIsWired)

That fat kid from Harry Potter really likes the weed, if you know what I mean. (CelebSmack)

Christina Hendricks is a bombshell. (usemycomputer)

Star is reporting that Brit and K to the Fed are banging again. It's probably not true, of course... But what if it was? A girl can only dream. (popbytes)

Balls: (Noun) Courage or nerve.

Nick Hogan was apparently granted a permit for "business-related" excursions last month, and of course, he's abusing it. TMZ caught him driving around in a black Range Rover on Monday night, and I'd only have to assume it's not "business-related" since A) he doesn't have a job and B) he's got a friend in the car with him. Also, how brave is that guy? The last person who sat passenger next to Nick Hogan got put into a permanent vegetative state and then had the pleasure of the entire Hogan family essentially taking a dump on his face. He may as well have jumped off the Empire State Building with a pair of wings he made out of tissues and popsicle sticks.

Rock Bottom: (Adjective) At the lowest possible level.

Jessica Simpson's camp has confirmed rumors that she is no longer with her country music label, but were quick to skirt around the fact that she might have been "dropped" from it, like we all don't know she totally was.

Earlier today, blogs were abuzz that Simpson was dropped from the label after her name was noticeably missing from both the Columbia Nashville and Sony Music Nashville websites.

But the singer's rep tells Us, "She was on loan to Sony Nashville for her country album." Simpson, who has released pop albums on the Epic label, "is and has always been an Epic artist," her rep adds. "She continues to be on Epic's label." (Source)

Sure, because I know Epic must be just clamoring to start a new project with their little cash cow.* This country music gig was pretty much Jessica Simpson's last ditch attempt for any kind of semblance of an actual entertainment career. Maybe she should try VH1's Celebreality. I think the only qualifications to get one of those shows are to technically be a "celebrity" and have no discerning marketable talent whatsoever. That couldn't describe Jessica Simpson more if I included "dumb as a bowl full of hair and silicone."

* Pun intended.

At the launch of her clothing line: (Well, at least she's got that)

Armed and Dangerous: (Phrase) One who is equipped with or carrying a weapon or weapons and is able or likely to cause harm or injury.

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett took a page from Heidi and Spencer and went on a little constitutional down to the shooting range recently. Because, awesome! A Playboy model with a gun! What could go wrong? Kendra wrote about the experience on her blog:

Hank and i went to the shooting range the other day so that he could teach me how to shoot a gun, or two or three hahaha. I think its so important that every woman learn self defense, plus its fun :D Im definitely a pro now haha!!

Check out these pics of me working the rifle and of Hank showing me how its done! (Source)

When I think of womens' self defense, I don't think of guns. I think of pressure points and mace and knowing just how to make a guy's nuts enter his stomach cavity; not a concealed firearm in your Chanel purse. But then again they are moving to my fair city of Philadelphia now, the land of milk and bullets. Most kids here are armed by the age of six. So yeah, maybe it wouldn't hurt to get a backup gun for her gun. Just in case.

Unstable: (Adjective) Prone to psychiatric problems or sudden changes of mood.

Uhhhh... Guys? I don't think Lindsay Lohan is doing so hot. The good news is that she's no longer delusional about her breakup with Samantha Ronson... But the bad news is that she's no longer delusional about her breakup with Samantha Ronson, and now she's talking to Us Magazine about it.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."

"I'm a f**king 22-year-old girl who's in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie. I'm just really hurt! The whole situation is sick." (Source)

This is just getting uncomfortably sad now. Who goes to Us Magazine for emotional support? Lindsay, these people are not your friends. Friends will help you mourn a breakup with Haagen Dazs and a bottle of tequila. Us Magazine will listen to you cry, then write down everything you said and print it in their magazine and high-five each other at what a killing they're going to make on the newsstands. She'd be better off just renting a hooker to commiserate with for a few hours, because then, bonus! Hot revenge sex!

Here's the five most unintentionally homoerotic films. (Pajiba)

Four words: Robert Pattinson. Full frontal. Vomit. Sorry, that was five. (Yeeeah!)

Pink could still totally kick Madonna's ass. (The Blemish)

Ooooh! Is Garry Shandling going to be in Iron Man 2? (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Love Hewitt may cheating on her fiancee with Jamie Kennedy. (Celebitchy)

It's a battle of the toga dresses! (Ayyyy!)

Is this is future of New York City? (cityrag)

Where are they now: Brittany Murphy edition. (CelebWarship)

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale take a little family outing to the beach. (BricksAndStones)

Ew, Katy Perry says she chews her birth control pills. (POTP)

Here are six gay couples who should totally get married in Vermont. (CollegeCandy)

RDJ is rocking the Tom Cruise heels. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Jessica Alba has got one huge goddamn baby! (IDWYL)

Relevant: (Adjective) Closely connected or appropriate to the matter at hand.

Good news! It turns out Eminem isn't a big, giant fat man shut in after all, and he's come out of hiding with a brand new music video. The video, for the song called "We Made You," is pretty much nothing but an extended name drop featuring the likenesses of everyone from Jessica Simpson, Linsday Lohan and Kim Kardashian to Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer and Sarah Palin. You know, the same people I write about here everyday -- only devoid of any kind of humor, cleverness, or redeeming qualities whatsoever. Basically, it's like a four and a half minute one of those "movie" movies set to music. And who says Eminem hasn't still got it? Those movies make a killing at the box office. Number one on the billboard charts, here he come!

Mr. Pertinent Social Commentary himself at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Ceremony this weekend:

Background Check: (Noun) The process of looking up and compiling criminal records, commercial records and financial records of an individual.

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is firing back at having been fired from Sunday's episode of "Celebrity Apprentice," because, apparently there is currently a season of "Celebrity Apprentice" airing and apparently she's on it. I had no idea. Anyway, the reason for her firing was due to a past DUI incident:

By all indications, country star Clint Black was on the chopping block until Trump learned that Kardashian had missed some of the previous week's competition to go to a mandatory class regarding her DUI. "I hate people who drive under the influence," Trump said in the boardroom as he fired Kardashian. "I know three families who lost children to drunken driving.

"Kardashian took to her blog to defend herself yesterday. "It wasn't because of my work ethic, it wasn't because I was slacking," she writes, "It was because of my DUI. I don't think I should have been fired for that reason alone. I just wish Mr. Trump would have handled the situation a little differently." (Source)

Well, to her defense, it really is the employer's job to screen potential employees before hiring them, which includes a look into past criminal records. But then again, I don't know if she knows this, but "Celebrity Apprentice," is -- pssst -- not a real job. But since Khloe has never actually had, you know, a real job, I can see where this might be confusing for her.

Behemoth and the Behemettes at the Bravo A-List awards:

Well-Done: (Exclamation) Used to express congratulation or approval.

Seth Rogen and Anna Faris attended the premiere of Observe and Report last night. Rogen showed up to the event looking uncharacteristically dapper and Faris looked like she was wearing something she picked up at Frederick's of Hollywood. Does that store even still exist these days? Maybe she got it back in 1992, because as a young girl she dreamed of one day walking a red carpet looking like a "fancy hooker." Hey, it's more or less the same reason I shop at American Apparel these days. Someday, I too, hope to have my moment in the sun!

Delusional: (Adjective) An idiosyncratic belief that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

Yesterday afternoon Lindsay Lohan released a statement that she and Samantha Ronson were "taking a brief break so [she] can focus on [her]self," despite the fact that Samantha had already changed the locks. Well, I hope she plans to focus on herself a bit longer, because the Ronson family is now seeking a restraining order.

Samantha Ronson's mother and sister asked Beverly Hills police how they could obtain a retraining order three days after Lindsay Lohan banned from a Ronson family event, Usmagazine.com exclusively reports.

"They were directed to the court to get a restraining order," Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall told Us on Monday. (Source)

Jesus, this is sounding more and more like a lifetime movie everyday. And if Lifetime movies have taught me anything, it's that there are only two ways for this to end. By Lindsay Lohan falling out of a plate glass, third story window while during the course of a murderous rampage, or by Lindsay Lohan accidentally electrocuting herself during the course of a murderous rampage. Either way there's almost definitely going to be some kind of murderous rampage.

The couple in "happier" times:

How do you have a sequel for a movie that has the same title as the original except for the omission of the word "the?" Ridiculous. (Pajiba)

Carrie Underwood's dress at the Country Music Awards was effing ridiculous. (CelebSmack)

Kelly Osbourne nearly committed manslaughter this weekend. (Yeeeah!)

Lauren Conrad is promoting "The Hills" by doing charity work with the mentally handicapped. (The Blemish)

Paris Hilton is trying way too hard. (Seriously? OMG!)

Amy Winehouse is so desperate to get high she's trying to smoke the produce aisle. (Celebitchy)

Since Paris Hilton has been dating someone for all of five minutes, of course she's going to start talking about marriage. (Celebslam)

Miley Cyrus finally dresses age appropriate for Teen Vogue. (AllieIsWired)

Here's Rose McGowan at the Valencio the Last Emperor premiere. (usemycomputer)

Samantha Ronson shows off a cocaine cake after dumping her addict girlfriend. Classy! (Lainey Goss)

If you want your wang to smell like bacon, you can either use this lube or maybe just not shower for a few days. Ick. (omg blog)

Tyra finally came up with the best talk show topic EVAR. (IBBB)

Family Reunion: (Noun) An occasion when members of an extended family get together.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday this weekend, and was joined by birthday whores of the present, girlfriends Kristina and Karissa Shannon and Crystal Harris; as well as birthday whores of the past, ex-girlfriends Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and the other one, whatsherface. How sweet. It's just like "The Brady Bunch," only with six Marshas who are all willing to do anal with Sam the Butcher.

Bonkers: (Adjective) Mad; crazy.

Gary Coleman, champion of mental health, went off on a rant in the above clip about a part he was forced to take in some low-budget flick called Midgets vs. Mascots so he could, you know, keep a roof over his head and all. Coleman alleges that the film almost "cost him his relationship" with his creepy wife who he doesn't have sex with, and says that he's going to "bash his fists in his agent's face."

If you ask me, Gary Coleman is pretty much the quintessential case study on why it's harmful to overall development to exploit children on television. Well, scripted television anyway. Those kids who took starred on that delightful Lord of the Flies-esque reality show are probably gonna turn out just fine. I can't really think of any better way of preparing a youngster for adult life than by forcing them to kill a live chicken on national television. Kids these days have to learn, McNuggets don't just grow on trees, you know.

Reputation: (Noun) The beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone.

What in the fuck is this fuckery? Tila Tequila and Billy Corgan inexplicably walked arm and arm down the red carpet for Bravo's 2nd annual A-List awards this weekend. Are they on a date or something? I may not be much of a Smashing Pumpkins fan, but I admit it even makes me a little bit sad to witness the final nail in the coffin of Billy Corgan's credibility as an artist. And as a human being. And as a person with an otherwise clean bill of venereal health.

For Tila on the other hand, this is a huge step up. Of course, she didn't need to go ruining the career of an alternative music icon for a huge step up. A freshly sanitized, androgynous blow-up doll probably would've done the trick just as well.

Chilly: (Adjective) Uncomfortably cool or cold.

Last night Nicole Kidman accompanied her tiny, highlights-loving husband to the Academy of Country Music Awards. I don't know why she was there, though, when the Care Bears are still running around all willy-nilly, spreading their brand of love and happiness all over the stinking place. They must be stopped! And if Nicole Kidman isn't going to do it, then who is? Professor Coldheart? Please. That guy is so out of practice it's ridiculous.

Dumped: (Verb) To discard or reject a significant other unceremoniously.

It sounds like Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's codependent lesbo relationship is finally, finally over this time. Samantha has apparently changed the locks and everything, in addition to having Lindsay barred from her sister Charlotte's clothing line launch party this weekend:

Before Lindsay's arrival at the event, an insider told OK! that the Ronsons had gone out of their way to insure she wouldn't be able to get inside. "Unless Lindsay rams a truck through the red carpet or skydives in, she won't be here," revealed the source.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards," according to an onlooker. "Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail," said another source. (Source)

Then, Lindsay got all twitter up in this bitch:

"I was right all along. Cheat. Being cheated on does wonders to you. I'm doing this publicly because u&ur friends call People mag.. So you win, you broke my heart. Now go away. I loved you." (Source)

It sounds like the medical examiner is going to call the time of death any moment now. And by "medical examiner" I mean "Us Weekly," and by "call the time of death" I mean "release a statement from Lindsay Lohan's publicist." Damn, I'm good. I so should have written for "ER" or "Grey's Anatomy" instead of becoming a gossip blogger.

Samantha Ronson at the "No Lindsays Allowed" party this weekend:

Bullshit: (Noun) Stupid or untrue talk or writing; nonsense.

Not content with milking publicity the usual way by posing for photoshoots at the grocery store or leaking homemade music videos on the internet, Spencer Pratt has decided to try his hand at a good ol' fashioned feud. His target? Lady Gaga:

"I can't get over that she is a huge pop icon of the world," Montag's beau Spencer Pratt dissed Friday on Q100 Atlanta's The Bert Show. "People are acting like she's the new Britney Spears ... I don't know even why this girl gets so much attention and press. I guess if you dress like a fool and have crazy, ridiculous haircuts, people start paying attention."

"People are calling Lady Gaga the pop princess, [so] what's Heidi - the pop queen?" he added. Asked to name five artists Montag is more talented than, Pratt said, "Madonna, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Christina Aguilera."

"I wouldn't even compare them to Heidi's level," he went on. "I am in the studio everyday with Heidi I know what's coming. I can make claims like that." (Source)

He's got to know he's full of shit, right? I mean, he's just got to. Heidi Montag's singing sounds like the death throes of a baby calf born with its brain on the outside of its skull. And that's probably being too kind. I guess it just gets to a point where admitting that your girlfriend can't sing is worse than being the tree that fell in the forest and no one was there so it didn't make a sound.

More of Heidi cramming a wad of meat into her gaping maw. And not the kind she does on a nightly basis, if you know what I mean:

Here's what was on television when I was ten years old. Oh "Alf," how I miss you. (Pajiba)

Lady Gaga and Lady Starlight make a NYC club need sanitizing. (The Blemish)

Marissa Miller on a beach, half nekkid, blah blah blah. (Yeeeah!)

Demi Moore and twitter: the ultimate life-saving duo. (Seriously? OMG!)

Was Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's Oscar date a sham? (Celebitchy)

Oh, Lindsay Lohan's nipple! Always a pleasure! (Celebslam)

Twilight the religion? Holy dumbness. (Agent Bedhead)

Lily Allen needs to stay away from that Lohan girl. (AllieIsWired)

Sacha Baron Cohen's new character looks like Zac Efron. (CelebSmack)

Eva Longoria bores me. I should just start referring to her as Eva LongBOREia. Yes, I didn't get enough sleep last night. (usemycomputer)

Sienna Miller wins an award other than "biggest flooze." (Lainey Goss)

Kid-Friendly: (Adjective) Something which is appealing or geared towards children.

Hey parents out there? Seth Rogen hates your children and will make them cry. Yes, he will literally make them cry. His words, not mine.

"Kids like me but when they meet me they're horrified by me... These guys bring their kids (to screenings) and I kind of resent them. To me it's kind of a sacrilegious thing and the kid would cry. It was horrible..."

"Now that the movie's out and I don't have to promote it anymore, I can say that I hate children. It's out; it's made $60 million. I can say it: I hate kids. If no kid ever came up to me, I would be more than happy." (Source)

Man, I bet he must have to beat the ladies off with a stick. No really. Every guy I meet is all "Blah, blah, blah; kids this; family that." It's like all men can even think about is effing babies. Ugh! Why can't I just meet a nice, child-loathing guy like Seth Rogen?

At the Monsters vs. Aliens premiere:

Grateful: (Adjective) Feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.

I've gathered a selection of photos here from the premiere of Hannah Montana The Movie, because, let me tell you, that Miley Cyrus really knows how to work a red carpet. In almost every single photo I saw she looks either completely bored, like she smelled a fart or a combination of the two; as if she can barely contain her dripping contempt towards Disney for making her be there. Life must be so hard, having to promote a movie for a franchise that made her a household name in the first place. God, just leave the poor girl alone so she can go back to what she does best: banging a 20-year-old, taking half-naked myspace pictures of herself and offending the Asians.

Original: (Noun) Something serving as a model or basis for imitations or copies.

Zooey Deschanel has finally had it with being mistaken for that stupid whore Katy Perry. Of course, she didn't say it quite like that, as her beauty is only outmatched by her class.

"It's a little bit annoying, to be totally blunt. The only similarity that we have is that we look a little bit alike. I have met her before. She seems like a nice person. I'm happy that she's famous enough now that she's not going out and being mistaken for me.

"I used to get, 'I heard you were out at such-and-such club drinking whiskey!' (when) I was at home watching TV. I think we lead very different lives. At some point I feel like this will stop being a thing. I like the way my life goes. It's sort of strange to be associated with someone that's doing such different stuff than me. It's weird." (Source)

Here's a handy guide for telling the difference between Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel. #1: Does it smell like lip smackers and desperation? #2: Does it have Hello Kitty attatched anywhere to it? #3: Does it make you want to start punching things? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you've probably got a Katy Perry on your hands. Don't make direct eye contact and seek shelter immediately.

More of perty Zooey at the Vanity Fair Oscar party:

Fetal Position: (Noun) A bodily posture in which the body is curled with head and limbs drawn in, sometimes assumed in states of fear or emotional withdrawal.

Oh, come on. It's Friday, dammit. She couldn't just let me ease into the weekend without any severe emotional scarring? On the bright side, at least now I know what a "space hooker" is supposed to look like. Do you think herpes in outer space is the same as herpes on the planet Earth? I bet it like, glows green or some shit.

Denied: (Verb) Refuse to give something requested or desired to someone.

Madonna was so excited to be flying home with a brand new shiny Malawian orphan today that she threw herself a good old fashioned adoptin' party last night! Too bad this morning the Malawian court turned down her adoption application. Whoops! The egg on her face!

The judge cited requirements that adoptive parents reside in the country for 18 to 24 months.

Madonna, 50, can appeal against the order. She adopted David Banda, 3, in 2006 without meeting the residency requirements, which caused outrage by non-governmental groups that felt she was using her celebrity status to bend the law. (Source)

Is Malawi seriously the only place Madonna can buy an orphan at? Clearly, they do not want her taking their nation's children. She should talk to Angelina Jolie's dealer or something. Or hell, for $50 grand I'll have a baby myself and sell it to Madonna. She can paint it brown and everything, just like the real thing. No one will even be able to tell the difference.

And the townspeople rejoice:

Beyonce tests the strength of cable with no pants on. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Shanna Moakler has predictably turned to myspace to overshare about her breakup. Barker, your move? (Celebitchy)

Oh, and they're also fighting on twitter. I would just like to point out that I SO PREDICTED THIS. And I didn't even know they had twitter accounts at the time. (CelebWarship)

Travolta is playing a villain again. A big, gay, bear of a villain. (Pajiba)

I have no idea why, but Lily Allen continues to dress up as cute and fuzzy animals. (Yeeeah!)

Dina Lohan, a.k.a. "Mother of the Year," attempted to bring her 15-year-old daughter clubbing with her. (The Blemish)

Woohoo! Frash "Supernatural" tonight! (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's all the tartan fit to puke at. (Ayyyy!)

Most celebrities are so vain you know they purposely do this. (cityrag)

Whitney Port thought Twilight was "really bad." Apparently she's never seen her own show. (BricksAndStones)

I haven't been covering much of Britney vs. her dad on here, because honestly? It bores me so. (POTP)

Kristen Stewart's got a boyfriend in matching black leather. (IDWYL)

Crap: (Exclamation) Expressing anger, disgust, or frustration.

Paris Hilton's 19-year-old brother, Barron Hilton, has decided that he wants to carve out a career of his own after having his whore sister and the other one sister hog up the limelight all these years. He's setting reasonable goals, too, aspiring to be a mere "international singer-songwriter." Oh, goody.

I'm done with partying and traveling. It's time to get this [bleep] started." Hilton, who's recording tracks at his Upper East Side apartment, isn't signed to a label, but is developing a reality show with Viacom.

"It's gonna be like 'The Hills,' but real," he says. "A lot of that stuff is pre-setup or re-setup. This is gonna show the meetings, the production side, the recording side . . . I just want people to say, 'Wow, this song really moved me, or made me cry.' " (Source)

So basically, he's hoping his reality show will launch some shitty music career, and is pretty much following the exact same trajectory as Paris Hilton. So far he's having more luck, though, because I haven't even heard his songs yet and I'm already crying. And drinking. And shaking my fist towards the sky, cursing a cruel and malevolent god. Well played, Barron. Well played.

More of Paris Hilton and her manwhore at Perez Hilton's birthday party, because I don't have any more photos of Barron:

Awe-Inspiring: (Adjective) Arousing awe through being impressive, formidable, or magnificent.

I know a lot of people think that Mickey Rourke is an asshole, and I'm not even necessarily disputing the fact. Say what you want about him, but you have to admit not many people can pull off meandering about the streets of Hollywood wearing a billowy, flowered shirt, carrying an open bottle of beer in their back pocket and stopping to make the friendly acquaintance of random, strange dogs along the way without being arrested. The closest I've come was some middle-aged guy I met in a bar one night who looked like Mickey Rourke wearing a hypercolor shirt with the sleeves cut off, who told me my hair looked like the hair of a statue with an erect penis at his mom's house. And since I can't vouch for that guy's whereabouts later that night, Mickey Rourke is still hands-down the champ at being publicly drunk and insane.

Gayest: (Adjective) More gay than any other gay.

Today in "Mario Lopez Does or Says Something Totally Gay" news:

Mario Lopez has reason to celebrate: He's got a fierce six-pack. But that toned bod isn't completely au naturel.

The former A.C. Slater uses Lab Series Skincare for Men's Ab Rescue Body Sculpting Gel. "It makes you look more chiseled," he gushed recently. (Source)

Love it. I can't even imagine a world where a Mario Lopez quote wasn't followed with a predicating clause such as "he gushed," "he squealed," "he giggled" or "he tee-hee'ed while making jazz hands."

Doomed: (Adjective) Cause to have an unfortunate and inescapable outcome.

Remember how less than a month ago Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker said they were getting remarried, or renewing their vows or whatever? Well ... Surprise! They're not. Instead they decided to messily break up again. Spoiler alert! There was police involvement!

The couple -- who divorced in 2004 but reconciled last September after Barker's near-fatal plane crash -- called it quits "after a nasty fight broke out at his house last night and cops were called...[when] Shanna started freaking out and acting irrational," a source tells Us.

No charges were filed.

"Travis confronted Shanna about her having an affair with Gerard Butler while he was in the hospital recovering," the source says. Butler and Moakler were spotted getting cozy at the Hollywood opening of Shin Korean BBQ last October. (Source)

Right ... Gerard Butler and Shanna Moakler? Sure, why not. So what, George Clooney wasn't available? Oh wait, I think he was actually still dating that waitress from "Fear Factor" at the time. Uhhh, carry on.

My boyfriend wrote a piece about our experience at the music part of SXSW the other week, so check it out! (Pajiba)

What are these funny lumps on my chest? Yes, it seems little Hayden Panettiere is finally becoming a woman. (The Blemish)

If you thought Miley Cyrus was a little trollop, wait'll ya get a load of Taylor Momsen. (Yeeeah!)

Violet Affleck is so adorable it literally hurts to look at her. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww, Nicolas Cage is having to sell one of his castles. (Celebitchy)

Mariah Carey wants to adopt a child so she doesn't get fat and can be certain of the gender. Aww, she's just like Angelina. (Celebslam)

Here's Scarlett Johansson shilling for Moët & Chandon before the purple hair and "starvation-diet boobs." (Agent Bedhead)

What??? WHAT?!?! Heidi Montag is pregnant?! Say it ain't so! (AllieIsWired)

Bridget Moynahan's friends are decidedly unimpressed with Gisele claiming motherly rights to her child. (CelebSmack)

Tori Spelling is supposedly down to 98lbs. Just 98 more to go before she doesn't exist anymore. (popbytes)

Avril Lavigne is officially less relevant than Ashley Tisdale and Tom Green. (Lainey Goss)

Damage Control: (Noun) Action taken to limit the damaging effects of an accident or error.

TMX obtained photographic evidence of Chris Brown's latest attempt at repairing his image, by posing with the ladies basketball team at the University of Mary Washington in Virginia. I actually think this is a fantastic idea. Maybe next he can take it a step further and try for a photo op with the local campus militant lesbian feminist kickboxing team. I hear they just really love his music.

Craptacular: (Adjective) The most supreme and spectacular level of crappiness.

Oh, happy day, for Heidi Montag has a new single out! "Look How I'm Doing," which debuted this morning on Ryan Seacrest's show, was apparently not written by Heidi Montag but unfortunately was still sung by Heidi Montag. Which naturally still makes it horrible. Us Weekly has the scoop:

The catchy pop song was written by Cathy Dennis, who also penned Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" and Britney Spears' "Toxic."

Could the lyrics -- " Your excuses get better/you couldn't give me time" -- be about beau Spencer Pratt? (Source)

I never get tired of Us Weekly's crack reporting. "Was this song, which we literally just reported that Heidi Montag did not write herself, based on personal experiences in Heidi Montag's life?" Seriously, no matter how much alcohol I regularly put into my body, it's nothing compared to the brain damage I receive slogging through this horseshit on a daily basis to bring you people gossip. Maybe I should try a safer line of work, like asbestos scraping on paint chip taste tester.

Frick and Dumber at Perez Hilton's birthday party:

Mature: (Adjective) Having reached an advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

Miley Cyrus is the cover girl for the May issue of Glamour, because I guess being a spoiled little butterfaced jackass is what passes for "glamorous" these days. At any rate, Miley talks about her relationship with Underwear Model McGriff, who she started dating when she was 15. Why can't we just embrace their love, y'all?

As the Hannah Montana actress sees it, dating beyond her age bracket shouldn't be that big of a deal. "I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, and I'm ready for people to accept it," Cyrus notes. "My fans already accept it—they just want me to be happy. And I haven't been that happy in a few years...working so hard, moving to L.A. from Nashville, going through a bad breakup [with Nick Jonas]. I'm finally happy again, and I think that is reflected in my music and work." (Source)

Of course her fans "accept" it. The army of tweentards that worship at the altar of Miley Cyrus are probably too busy fantasizing about their own relationships with 20-something boyfriends to even bother learning the definition of "statutory rape." At any rate, when your 14-year-old daughter brings home the 21-year-old high school dropout who works night shift over at the Sunoco, I think you know where you can send your gift basket to.

Wish Fulfilment: (Noun) The satisfying of unconscious desires in dreams or fantasies.

Oh. My. God. Robert Downey Jr. hosted a sneak peek of his upcoming Sherlock Holmes at the ShoWest convention yesterday, and ... Well ... Apparently, there's a scene where he gets chained to a bed. Naked.

Theater owners attending their annual ShoWest convention got to see Downey's Holmes in a bruising boxing match, diving from a tall building into London's Thames River and trading barbs with roommate Dr. Watson (Jude Law), who complains about the detective's slovenliness and nocturnal violin playing.

"Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?" Watson asks the detective. In one scene, the unclothed Holmes finds himself cuffed by both hands to a bed. (Source)

It should be noted, Sherlock Holmes is set to open Christmas Day. So if you think I'm not going to spend the next eight months completely exhausting "All I want for Christmas is Robert Downey Jr. Chained to a Bed Naked" jokes, well, think fucking again. Oh, please Santa! But I've been so good this year!

More at ShoWest: (Naked!!!!)

April Fool's: (Exclamation) Said to a person who is the victim of a trick or hoax on April 1.

When I heard that Cloris Leachman was wearing nothing but lettuce for a new PETA ad campaign I immediately broke out in terror sweats, picturing something along the lines of Botticelli's Birth of Venus with a few more lettuce leaves and a lot more sagging skin. So you can imagine how awesome it was to see this tasteful lettuce and cabbage gown adorning Ms. Leachman for the poster. Even more awesome? At the unveiling of the ad in Times Square yesterday, (pictured below) Cloris is wearing what appears to be shearling and suede scuffs. To a PETA event. God, how much do I love that? In your face, PETA! See? That's why you can't trust old people to do anything right. My Grandmother once ruined a perfectly good DVD player by trying to insert a VHS tape into it. She never did get to record her stories that day.