Not only is the new "Nightmare On Elm Street" bad, but you can also blame it on George Bush. (Pajiba)

Halle Berry and her boyfriend broke up. Bad for them, but good for pretty much everyone else. (Yeeeah!)

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed a bad Lady Gaga video with 5 A.M Skinemax on a budget of $7.34 and a button? Well Christina Aguilera has the answer! (The Blemish)

Courtney Love says she auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Too bad Minnie Mouse already had a dealer. (Seriously? OMG!)

Get ready for the new "Sex and the City 2" poster to make you lose all faith in a loving God! (Celebitchy)

Wow, when the hell did Dawn Summers turn into Toot Braunstein? (Celebslam)

As if you need another reason to love Glee, they are completely oblivious of The 12-year-old lesbian. (HollyWire)

Ewwwww, Brooke Hogan looks even trashier than usual. (CelebSmack)

Oh Goddammit, who left Britney alone with hair care products? (popbytes)

Rihanna is gonna keep on with her concert, despite a broken rib. Meh, good for her I guess. (Evil Beet)

Only Jessica Alba could nearly burn down a hotel trying to cook fish sticks. (Allie Is Wired)

Because it's a day that ends in "Y", and because she's launching a charity or some shit like that, Holly Madison decided to pose in a bikini for the cameras in front of the Las Vegas sign. The charity is called the "Camp Las Vegas" campaign, and it supports...ummmm, something. I want to say camping? Maybe? I dunno, I spent about five solid minutes scouring google and have yet to find any sort of detail about what exactly the hell Holly Madison is trying to do here. My best guess thus far is that it's a charity that gives bikinis to the poorer sluts that can't afford nice bikinis or stand around in front of the Las Vegas sign all day.

In case you haven't heard by now, Arizona has this new law where basically they can stop and harass anyone if they believe they're an illegal immigrant. How do they do this? Well, the basic explanation they've given is "If you're hispanic, we throw you in jail." This is what is legally referred to as "FUCKING RACIST"

Appearing at the Billboard Latin Music Awards ceremony Thursday, Martin said the law "makes no sense," and he urged an end to discrimination, hate and racism.

[...]  "This is not in the script," he said as he launched into his criticism.

"You are not alone. We are with you," Martin said. "Put a stop to discrimination. Put a stop to hate. Put a stop to racism." (Source)

If it's any consolation to everyone in Arizona who can now be pulled over for not being part of the All-American-Neo-Aryan-Super-Race, the people who support this law are about as dumb as they are racist, so you can pretty much go Obi-Wan Kenobi on these assholes and just talk them into anything. "These are not the people you seek. You will get in your car and stop being a bigoted asshole."

To the surprise of absolutely fucking no one, Lindsay Lohan is almost definitely going to jail after repeatedly violating the terms of her probation by not attending mandatory alcohol education classes.

Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to Lindsay late last year, she must attend alcohol ed courses once every 7 days. The only exception -- if she was in inpatient rehab. And the judge was explicit ... if Lindsay did not comply with the terms of probation, she was going to jail.

The school in which Lindsay enrolled is required by state law to inform the court only if the student is MIA for 21 days. So here's the disconnect: The school has not reported an attendance violation ... because Lindsay frequently waited until the 21st day to attend classes.

Bottom line -- Lindsay met the school's requirement, but squarely violated the judge's order. (Source)

To Lindsay's defense, I'm sure she just forgot about going to the classes most of the time because she was hungover. Oh right. That probably doesn't hold up in court.

Ha ha. Kate Gosselin's latest book, I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith, and Family, (ed. note: VOMIT) is basically a failure, selling only 10,084 copies in the first two weeks. I mean, it's no "Heidi Montag Superficial Album Failure," but that's still pretty bad.

The non-fiction title debuted at #11 on the New York Times' non fiction bestseller list, and at #103 on USA Today's bestsellers chart. By Thursday afternoon, its Amazon.com rank was #862.

By contrast, the 35-year-old mom's first two books, Multiple Blessings and Eight Little Faces, both climbed to number five on the New York Times' list; Multiple Blessings sold 523,000 copies in 2009. (Source)

The most amazing thing here is that it took her three books before people stopped caring. Three. I mean, once you've heard one "my eight scientifically engineered children which were scientifically put into my uterus by scientists are miracles from God" stories, you've pretty much heard them all.

Because there is literally NEVER a bad time to publicly make fun of Heidi and Spencer Pratt, it looks like Stupid and Evil were named on Time Magazine's "Least Influential People of 2010" list. Which isn't entirely true, since these two assholes have inspired me in the past to drink heavily to relieve the crippling pain of stupidity. I've literally started calling vodka "Speidi's Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice".

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now you're not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential. (Source)

You know you're boned when even Time Magazine thinks you're a freakish-looking waste of space. Honestly, these two are so uninspiring they couldn't even sell ice to a goddamn polar bear. "Yeah, Mr. Polar Bear, this is some grade-a stuff...What do you mean you don't want to buy ice from someone who looks like a convicted rapist?! Heidi, get over here, we're leaving! Heidi, don't worry, we can reglue your arm when we get home. WE'RE LEAVING."

On the subject of "The Office," Steve Carrell said might be pulling out early ... That's what she said. (Pajiba)

Oh my God you guys! Chelsea Handler has a sex tape, but not really. SHOCKER! (Yeeeah!)

I've sorta been avoiding this because I really like Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz as a couple, but that big drug addiction/spousal abuse thing between them? All one big misunderstanding. (The Blemish)

Don't worry guys, the only good part of "American Idol" didn't get married in Vegas. (Seriously? OMG!)

Robert Downey Jr. is on the cover of Rolling Stone and he is looking sexay! (Celebitchy)

As it turns out, being married to a crazy gay Scientology midget might not be all that great. (popbytes)

Two of the whores from "The Hills" were out and about, and I'm pretty sure at this point they're interchangeable. (BricksandStones)

It's a good thing we won't let gays get married, otherwise they might ruin the purity of a Twilight-themed wedding. (Agent Bedhead)

The klepto, trashy bitch from "Pretty Wild" acted like a klepto, trashy bitch. No way, really? (POTP)

Here's J-Lo moments before she was attacked by a swarm of bees. (Evil Beet)

Russell Crowe went out to a little press thing to promote "Robin Hood" or something, and for some inexplicable reason, someone thought it would be a totally sweet idea to give him a sword. The guy can bash in your head with a goddamn phone, and you're giving him a sword. This is like telling a four-year-old not to run with scissors, then giving him a goddamn machete and letting him run laps in the backyard. It's all fun and games until a drunk Aussie decides to reenact his favorite scene from Gladiator on some douchebag paparazzo.

Lindsay Lohan took part in this "artistic" photoshoot with photographer Tyler Shields for his upcoming book The Dirty Side of Glamor. Yup, that sounds about right. Except for, you know, the "glamor" part. Why is it that Lindsay Lohan only does photoshoots that involve some sort of gratuitous sex, drugs or violence? Either way it just turns out looking like background work on "Dexter." The Ice Cream Truck killer did have a thing for prostitutes ... Ehh. Lindsay Lohan, close enough.

For those of you who thought that the cancellation of "The Hills" would be enough to wipe the two-headed demon that is Speidi from the general public...Well, you might want to put yourself on suicide watch. It looks Evil and Stupid have been hard at work filming their own show. Now would be a great time to distance yourself from sharp objects and high ledges.

Our source adds that the reality couple will be putting together footage that they've been shooting for the past few years, and using that as a "behind-the-scenes look at their lives."

We're told that The Pratts have had a camera crew following them around to just about every appearance and event to capture footage for their show. X17 has also learned Spencer has shot a lot of his own footage, too. "There is a ridiculous amount of material that they'll be able to use", adds our source. (Source)

Well, considering that the last time they were on a show, Spencer threatened to kill a producer while Heidi accused the show's creator of sexual harassment, I can't imagine why anyone would say "no" to this idea. Especially if the show involves subjecting the two of them to the most depraved and horrific acts known to man. All I'm saying is, a show called "Who Wants To Break Speidi's Kneecaps With a Tire-Iron?" would probably earn some sweet ratings in "18-49 People who hate Speidi" demographic.

She failed at singing, she failed at acting, and now Crazy Tits is about to fail at writing! Point is, it looks like Crazy Tits is going to be trying her hand at gossip blogging or something. Not that it'll actually work or anything, since we all know that the poorly-tattooed whore is a pathological liar and has the writing abilities of a two-year-old playing with Alphabet Soup. "Let's see here ... Perez ... is ... STOOPID. See? I'm a gossip blogger! Look out CNN, I'm comin' for ya!" And then she'd do a whole bunch of crystal meth, tweet something about having an abortion for attention, then completely forget she ever had a gossip blog.

Here's a list of the ten hottest gingers ever. What, no Jenny Lewis? (Pajiba)

I'm not sure who Nicky Minaj is or why I should care, but her ass is freaking me out a touch right now. (Yeeeah!)

Dayum, Dave Matthews got faaaaaaaaaaat. (The Blemish)

For someone who just had a baby 8 days ago, Amanda Peet looks pretty damn good. (Seriously? OMG!)

Heidi Montag might be addicted to pain killers. To be fair, you would be to if you were married to Spencer Pratt. (Celebitchy)

Toni Braxton might want to think about unbreaking her vagina. (Celebslam)

Glee got rejected by Coldplay, I'm assuming because Glee wasn't totally gay enough. (HollyWire)

Apparently, Courtney Love is talking about how she banged Gavin Rossdale. Congrats on being a whore. (CelebSmack)

Just in case you were wondering, Jessica Simpson is still really goddamn gross. (Evil Beet)

Lindsay Lohan is apparently back at Millions of Milkshakes. Who would even let this woman near their food? (popbytes)

So someone out there thought it would be a really great idea to reenact "The Hills" using little kids, thus combining the two things I hate more than anything ever. While I'm pretty sure making a six-year-old act like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag might be considered child endangerment, they do manage to recreate the crippling stupidity, the self-involved narcissism, and Audrina's inability to look at anything other than the ceiling. Now, if we get mini-Spencer to slap on a flesh-colored pedo-beard, I honestly think it would be completely identical to the actual show.

Paris Hilton allowed Esquire into her home for a private tour, because as we all now, people who read Esquire are rich, and there's nothing rich people love more than blond prostitutes with low IQs. Anyway, somewhere between the glowing pink chandelier and the pink Bentley, Paris Hilton said that she earned everything she had. From there, I kinda go blank, but I think I just yelled at my computer screen for 15 minutes straight.

"My house is kind of like a reflection of my life and my accomplishments and what I've done," Paris says in her serious voice. "And I've done it all on my own. When my parents and my grandfather came over for the first time, I was so proud. It just feels good to like walk around and be like ... I earned all this, you know? I see some of my friends I grew up with from rich families. Their parents spoiled them and they never made them work and just give them an allowance. And now they're like 30 and still living off the parents, having to ask for everything, being on a budget. It's nice to feel accomplished and independent. I don't have to depend on anyone but myself." (Source)

Oh, it's like the pot calling the kettle and irresponsible whore. But whatever, maybe she did earn it, you know? It must have been just unbearable being born to billionaire parents, right? Oh God, and having to ask them for anything she wanted as a kid? Rough, honey. Rough. And don't even get me started on appearing on a TV show where you make fun of poor people for not being as rich as you are, then having to endorse all those products you have absolutely no actual ties to whatsoever. Seriously, do you know how much work it is to pick up a pen and sign your name on a product you had absolutely no creative input on? It's SO unfair!

Jessica Simpson and her ginormous breasts of doom are appearing on today's "Ellen" show, and Ellen DeGeneres asked her to address the rumors that she doesn't brush her teeth. So naturally, Jessica laughed it off that it was all just a joke, right? Not so much.

"Well, not all the time," Simpson admits. "Maybe three times a week."

Explaining this stunning fact, Simpson says, "Because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel to slippery, but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday. But I don't brush them everyday. I'll use a shirt or something."

Capping this admission, she says, "I know it's gross, but I always have fresh breath. It's really weird but I have great breath." (Source)

True story: When I was a Freshman in college, I got stuck with a roommate from West Virginia who was gross and never brushed her teeth. Finally after almost the entire semester went by, I took it upon myself to root through her things to see if she even owned a toothbrush and found a brand new one on the floor in the back of her closet, covered in dust. Point being, by southern hillbilly standards, if you think about it, Jessica Simpson is kind of a champion of dental hygiene. All I'm saying is, you know there are going to be people from Arkansas watching that "Ellen" going, "Three whole times a week?"

After about a month of pretty much everything bad that could possibly happen actually happening, Sandra Bullock has finally come out of seclusion, and she is back with a vengeance, bitches. Not only is she filing for divorce, she got herself on the cover of People Magazine with her 3-month-old adopted baby. What WHAAAAAAA?!

Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. "It's like he's always been a part of our lives," Bullock, 45, says. She and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family - including James's children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 - were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now adopting as a single parent. (Source)

Well, looks like everything is right with the world; Sandra is lookin' good, and Jesse James ... Well, you reap what you sow, buddy. Don't go out for a burger when you've got a steak at home, especially if that burger happens to be delusional white supremacist with terrible taste in tattoos, and that steak has an Oscar, a Golden Globe and an adorable baby. Guess you're stuck eating the McSlut with Cheese from now on.

Impartial Statement: This is a review of "8: The Mormon Proposition." Partial Statement: Everyone who voted Prop 8 needs to be dragged out into the street and shot, because you people are fucking scum and little more than an ugly little shit-stain on society. Fuck you and your idea of what God wants. (Pajiba)

So you're under arrest for defrauding an inn of $10,000; what do you do? Well, if you're Randy Quaid and his meth-wife, you bring in your Golden Globe to clear your name. *Slow Clap* (Yeeeah!)

Call me crazy, but what the fuck does Olivia Munn naked have anything to do with animal abuse or boycotting the circus? (The Blemish)

Here are the many faces of Joan Rivers. Each one costs about $5,000. (Seriously? OMG!)

John Mayer thinks that Twitter is over, now that everyone realizes that he is tired and unfunny. (Celebitchy)

"The Hills" is back tonight! Now would be a great time to kill yourself. (BricksandStones)

It's a day that ends in "Y", which means Kim Kardashian is whoring something out. (Agent Bedhead)

You know what's an even better idea than giving Tila Tequila her own fashion line? Absolutely anything else. (POTP)

I temporarily suspend my hate for Ed Hardy because The Situation is wearing very tiny Ed Hardy undies and I'm a filthy whore and I hate myself so much right now. (popbytes)

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to have all those happy memories of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" erased from your mind by the video for her new song, "Born Free." Believe me when I say that this is, like, SEVERELY NSFW. If you so much as glance at it, your boss will swoop down from the ceiling, fire you, then beat you with your own stapler. For those of you not at work, settle in and prepare yourself for ten minutes of fat people sex and the systematic execution of ginger kids. No, really, one of them goddamn explodes into pink mist. This video is less NSFW and more NSF-Your Goddamn Soul.

Now that he's been fired by both his own wife and his own show for being a goddamn psychopath, Spencer Pratt has officially taken the "desperately suck up to anyone more famous than you who can get you a job" route by kissing "Jersey Shore's" ass like it's his wife's big plastic horseface.

@mtv @heidimontag and i are STARTING A JERSEY SHORE MARATHON DAY "GET CRAZY GET WILD" inspires me! Thanks MTV for the fist pumping!

I can't believe I never saw this first episode of the shore where the cast moves in ! BEST SHOW ever!!! I'm casting Pauly D and The Situation in my 3D film they will play ladies man lifeguards that live for the tanning and pussy!

New jersey shore = real world meets the sopranos. Tony Disanto great programming choice! This is better then kush. (Source)

Oh God, the crippling sense of desperation is strong on this one. I guess being a famewhore who looks remarkably like a child predator doesn't pay nearly as much as it used to. He better start kissing Snooki's ass even harder, because his employment opportunities aren't exactly looking too good ... Well, unless employers are looking for a guy whose resume consists of the phrase "I'm as stupid as I am useless."

Amy Winehouse is being treated in a London clinic for injuries she sustained in her home earlier this week from a fall which she attributed to complications from her ridiculous breast implants. What, was it that she was too top heavy?

She summoned minders to whisk her back to the private clinic in London's Harley Street where she had her boob job seven months ago. She was diagnosed with bruised ribs, kept in overnight on Sunday - but yesterday was still refusing to leave.

Her injuries were described as "not serious" but her agent said: "She really likes the clinic so may stay a few days."

A hospital source told how the Back To Black singer - who fell over while drinking alone at her North London flat - was brought in plastered and caused chaos. The witness said: "Amy was running up and down the corridors with her top off and reeking of booze. (Source)

That's right folks, nothing to see here. That's the difference between the United States and Britain. Over here, something like this might raise a few eyebrows -- but over in London, topless Amy Winehouse running drunk around the halls of a medical facility is just "Monday." Also, I hear they have really good curry.

I think we can all agree that if given the chance, we would all do unspeakable things to him involving flogs, whipped cream and a ball-gag. The only exception to this rule is apparently Gwyneth Paltrow, mostly because her heart is two sizes too small.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. get to lock lips in the upcoming Iron Man 2, but Downey turned down the heat so things wouldn't get too "weird." 

He said: "She said to me that I didn't know what I was doing, like it didn't feel good. I'm like, 'You know what? First of all, we're all friends, so what would be creepy would be if I was coming off all sexy to you -- which by the way, I've done in movies and it creeps them out. So what am I going to creep you out for?' " (Source)

Considering that Gwyneth Paltrow has all the raw, unbridled sexuality of your grandmother's doily, I honestly couldn't care less. Seriously, if you want to recreate the experience of boning Gwyneth Paltrow, you can pretty much just slap some lipstick on a loaf of wonder bread and then spend two hours listening to it yammer on about how her "best friend" Richard Gere taught her about the importance of balancing your chakrahs.

Here are ten Veggies that can kick your ass. But, ummmmm...Where the hell are the Trifids? (Pajiba)

Gosh, we're like days into filming and Snooki's already had a drink thrown in her face? Yeah, that seems about right. (Yeeeah!)

Never interrupt Christina Aguilera during an interview, else she demand you be taken out back and given the Ol' Yeller treatment. (The Blemish)

In today's possible weird couple news: Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth? Hmmmmm... (Seriously? OMG!)

Justin Bieber fans have replaced great white sharks, tarantulas and pretty much everything in Australia as the outback's deadliest creatures. (Celebitchy)

Kathie Griffin proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mike Ruiz is a goddamn genius. (Celebslam)

What in the hell happened to Axl Rose's everything? (CelebSmack)

Alright, show of hands, how many saw Kick-Ass? It was pretty good, right? Alright, another show of hands, how many thought Aaron Johnson was cute? Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, for those of you waiting to jump his nerdy little bones, too bad, because he's engaged at the age of 19 to (and here's the kicker) a 43-year-old woman who has two daughters. And they're expecting a baby.

At 43, Taylor-Wood is 24 years older than Johnson and already a mother of two from an 11-year marriage to art dealer Jay Jopling. Despite the age difference and existing family, Johnson is madly in love. "I've got a wonderful woman," the 19-year-old says. "She's lovely and she's a fantastic mother."

As the couple prepare for the arrival of their baby this summer, Johnson say he's "excited" and insists that he is undaunted by the challenges of fatherhood. "It's not scary," he says. "I'm already a stepdad to [Taylor-Wood's kids Angelica, 13, and Jessie, 3] anyway. So the nerves have sort of gone." (Source)

...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. You guys probably know by now that I don't believe in Marriage, Dating, Children or Leprechauns (that last one might not have anything to do with the first three) so right now my mind has just been asploded. Especially since she's old enough to be his mother and Aaron is going to be raising a girl six years younger than him. Whether you like it or not, I think we can all agree when I say, HOLY FUCK.

Pictured above: 18 abdominal muscles and about 7 collective brain cells. Here are the Jersey Shore guys down in Miami (which I still think is false advertising) proving once and for all that if you do enough crunches, you can still be pretty hot even if you are legally brain-dead. I hate to admit it, but yeah, they are totally hot. It's like the cheerleader in high school who had huge boobs, yet regularly forgot how to spell her own name. All I'm saying is, thank God for reality TV's love of stupid, pretty people, otherwise it would be a lifetime of ordering things from infomercials or running for Senate in Louisiana.

Those of you holding out for a Lindsay Lohan comeback might want to put it off for a little longer: She just got fired from her new movie for not being a "bankable" actress, which I guess must be code for "she's doing crystal meth on the set and it would be super great if she didn't die during production."

Lindsay was slated to star in "The Other Side," a movie about a grad student working on a deserted island.

David Michaels, the writer/director, tells TMZ, "Our team simply chose to move on from Lindsay and we'll soon be announcing a replacement."

But sources connected with the film tell us the people financing the film were skittish about relying on Lindsay. (Source)

I know this sounds really sad and all, but try to think of it this way: Imagine if you were working at, I don't know, let's go with Dairy Queen right now (I want a Blizzard). Let's say you were working with a girl who regularly shows up either completely wasted and late or doesn't show up at all because she's out shopping, and when you ask her to get help, she shuts you out of her life. Exactly how long do you think it would be before they fired her? It's like my mother told me: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't get it to drink the water instead of the flask of Red Bull-Vodka it stored in its designer jeans next to the crack pipe.

And this week's career assessment comes from...J-Lo! (Pajiba)

Oh my God, did Lindsay Lohan steal a Rolex? If you said "No", you're probably a gigantic idiot. (Yeeeah!)

Hayden Panettiere now looks less like an actress and more like she should be having a tea party on a lily pad. (The Blemish)

Awwwww, Zac Efron finally got his big-boy hair! (Seriously? OMG!)

Audrina Patridge threw a tantrum on the set of "The Hills", presumably because she saw something gross on the ceiling. (Celebitchy)

Ha! Shauna Sand got (altogether now) REEEEEEEEEEEEE-JECTED! (Celebslam)

A 12-year-old lesbian just disproved the existence of a loving God. (HollyWire)

Did ABC and FOX remove an ad from the air because the models were plus-sized? Probably, yeah. (CelebSmack)

Let's see...Fantastic episode of "Glee"? Check. Lookin' good on the street? Check. It's good to be Madonna right now. (popbytes)

Alright people, get ready for the single grossest celebrity couple EVER. (Evil Beet)

Jennifer Love Hewitt has her eyes set on some sparkly vampire peen. (Allie Is Wired)

Now that Paris Hilton and her dick-of-the-week have officially split, the time for shameless mud-slinging to commence. For instance, it looks like Doug Reinhardt spent $2 Million on Paris while they were dating, which is funny because Paris will usually sleep with a guy for a dimebag and a Diet Coke.

"Doug never used Paris. He spent 2 million dollars on her over the course of a year and a half," a source revealed to RadarOnline.com. "She never once paid for a single thing."

Reinhardt, a former professional baseball player, had a lot to live up to in terms of keeping up with the heiress' jet-setting lifestyle. During the course of their relationship they had been to Fiji, Hawaii, Aspen and Anguilla among other places. (Source)

I think the only thing more confusing than HOW someone can spend $2 Million on Paris is WHY someone would spend $2 Million on Paris. The girl is about as cheap as a backwoods 7-11 with about twice as many diseases. At this point, I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping your dick out of Paris Hilton is one of those "You must be this tall to ride" signs from Disney Land. Well, that and basic common sense.

Alternate title for this post: "We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat". Anyway, here's Kim Kardashian down in Australia on a boat for some reason. While some might see the added 500 pounds of Kim Kardashian's ass capsizing the boat as a potential safety hazzard, it's important to note that not only can it be used as an emergency flotation device, but that it can comfortably seat more passengers than most luxury cruise ships. You do not even want to know where the emergency flares come out of.

Now that his show is over and he's not a big enough bitch to be on "Dancing with the Washed-Up Has-Beens", Jon Gosselin is, for lack of a better word, flat friggin' broke. So of course, he's doing what everyone does when they need to earn money: Date a rich woman and sell your BMW.

"He has a new forty-something Washington, D.C., love interest," a Gosselin insider says in the new issue of Us Weekly, out now. "She's rich -- and he's hoping to have her back one of his projects."

But how attractive of an investment is a guy who can't even keep his car? "Jon is selling his BMW to raise cash until he gets a job," says another source close to the reality star, 33. "He's hoping to get $25,000 for it." (Jon bought the used M3 last year for $30,000.) (Source)

That's right, for the low, low cost of just $25,000, you too can own the car driven by that one guy from that show with the whiny kids and the shrieking blond harpy. Features include seating for you and eight other kids that you have no business taking care of, Onstar support so that you have someone to talk to when you're alone and drunk at 3 AM, and a car freshener to simulate Jon's own scent; a heady mix of soiled diapers, Ed Hardy Sangria and desperation.

Oh, hey, how was your last night. Good? Did you go out for drinks? Stay home and watch "30 Rock" with a friend? Did your dad break into your apartment with police officers in order to try and get you to go to rehab? Yeah, guess which one happened to Lindsay Lohan and her insane, mesh-shirt sporting father?

i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister's safety, as well as my own, "my ex-dad" just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil's advocate with officers....

let's not forget, that my father KIDNAPPED me from a COURT ROOM when i was 4 years old and is CRAZY

he has NEVER paid child support, and is marrying a tabloid writer and can barely spell his own name due to his "brain" that has been ruined due to HIS drug use. (Source)

Once again, it's times like these that I'm incredibly thankful that my father is not a friggin' psychopath, and is instead just kind of a total dork. Believe me, if I had to choose between Michael Lohan's bitchtits breaking into my house for a surprise intervention, and my own Dad buying embarrassing t-shirts and constantly referring to me as "Daddy's Boy*," you better believe I'm picking my own Dad every single time.

*SERIOUSLY. MONEY. I will pay you MONEY to never say that again.

Roger Ebert does not much care for your fancy video entertainment units. Here's why he's wrong. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan failed to show up to her deposition again because...*Shakes Magic 8 Ball*...because she was too hungover to hail a taxi. (Yeeeah!)

Kim Kardashian now says she regrets doing Playboy. I'm assuming it was because it didn't get her enough publicity. (The Blemish)

HA! J-Lo got upstaged by a dog in a wheelchair. (Seriously? OMG!)

Naomi Campbell's latest bitchfit in a nutshell. ABC: "Hey, did you ever receive a blood diamond?" Naomi: "FUCK YOU! *Punches Camera*" (Celebitchy)

Good: Bea Arthur has risen from the grave! Not so good: For PETA. (popbytes)

Kate Gosselin hasn't had sex in a year. To be fair though, after eight kids, would she even be able to feel it? (BricksandStones)

Snooki's disturbingly sexy boyfriend says she cheated on him. Oh God, are we really going down this road? (POTP)

A sequel to "Men In Black"? Gosh, I bet 90's me is just giddy with anticipation! (Evil Beet)

Alright guys, another pop quiz: You and your boyfriend broke up. So far, no one's heard anything out of either of you. Do you:
(A) Lay low; What happened between you stays between you?
(B) Say that you enjoyed your time together, but that things just didn't work out?
(C) Say that he's just angry because you dumped him?

"I am great and enjoying being single," she told Access. "He is just angry because I broke up with him."

The heiress was referring to a statement released by Doug after the news of their split made headlines, in which Doug claimed he and Paris had broken up in the middle of April - not over two weeks prior, as a rep for Paris stated at the time. The pair had dated on and off for over a year. (Source)

Well, what did you expect? Paris Hilton has all the class, tact and dignity of a five-year-old. You know, if five-year-olds had an unwarranted sense of self-importance, millions of dollars they never actually earned and a raging drug and alcohol abuse problem. Yeah, Kindergarten was great, wasn't it?

Hey, remember when Hulk Hogan's dickbag waste of a son crashed his car in a drunk driving accident and his best friend LOST HALF HIS GODDAMN HEAD?! Well, now he's pissed off again because he says his insurance company screwed him over and he had to pay money to the guy his son essentially killed. Boo-friggin'-hoo.

According to the lawsuit, Wells Fargo Southeast -- which provided insurance for the Hogan family -- only paid $250,000 to John Graziano, who is severely disabled -- the result of the Nick Hogan car crash.

Hulk claims the $250,000 policy limit exposed him to personal liability in settling the case. 

Hulk's beef -- insurance company reps never advised him his policies needed to be reevaluated given that he had teenage drivers who posed a greater financial risk. (Source)

Translation: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Gosh, it sure must suck to have to pay a whole bunch of the money to the guy whose life you ruined. You know what would suck even worse? To be involved in a horrific accident that causes you to lose half your goddamn head because the son of the guy from Mr. Nanny decided to race while completely drunk. But yeah, your problems are important too, you horse's ass.

"American Idol" decided to do their "Idol Gives Back" thing last night, which for those of you who blessedly don't know, is the night where they pretend that they give a shit about anything other than Ford and Coca-Cola product placements. To add insult to injury, The Black Eyed Peas performed live, because nothing makes me feel more generous than the sound of four untalented people screeching at me. I'm sure about half-way through her performance of waving her big stupid dress around while a bunch of slutty C-3PO's danced in the background, Fergie was probably thinking something like, "Hey, where's the machine that makes us sound talented?" It's sort of like one of those car crashes that you can't look away from, only the car crash is taking place entirely in your ears.

There are times I wonder if my job is too easy. And then there are times where Spencer Pratt gets into a Twitter war with Perez Hilton and I realize that yes, yes it is. Things started when Spencer got all pissy at Perez for reporting on their sexual assault lawsuit against the producers of "The Hills", and then...well, everything just kinda went to shit.

I have no respect for you for spewing absolute lies when you could have come to us - You lying BITCH

Since when do you NOT FACT CHECK your story. Did ADAM give those lies to the post. When sure as fuck didn't! you fake ass bitch (Source)

So naturally, Perez whipped out this gem:

Are you smoking your sister's meth? (Source)

From there it's just the two of them yelling at each other about sex tapes and TMZ. I honestly won't post it because, to be perfectly honest with you, reading it is like giving yourself a lobotomy using only an electric toothbrush and no anesthetic. Honestly, it's like one of those made-for-TV movies they feature on the SyFy channel featuring Debbie Gibson where two huge CGI monsters fight each other to the death while killing whores. All I'm saying is, don't be too surprised when "Mega-Pedo-Bearded-Psycho vs. Giant-Douche" premieres in a couple weeks.

Just because I will NEVER get tired of these things, here are the OTHER 130 Best Arnold Quotes. (Pajiba)

Another day, another pic of Coco that makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a rusty wire coat hanger. (Yeeeah!)

I don't say this enough (meaning never) but day-uuuuuuum, Jon Bon Jovi has got it going on. (The Blemish)

Sarah Jessica Parker and Madonna need to start some sort of "Freaky Arms" club. (Seriously? OMG!)

Because James Cameron already made a ton of money ripping off "Pocahontas", it's time for an "Avatar" sequel that will essentially rip off "The Little Mermaid". (Celebitchy)

Just in case you were wondering, yes, Adrian Grenier is a total ass. (Celebslam)

Oh yeah, just in case you didn't know, last night was the Madonna episode of Glee and it was FUH. NAW. MIN. ULL. (HollyWire)

And speaking of things that are FUH. NAW. MIN. ULL. Gabourey Sidibe is totally hosting SNL this week! (CelebSmack)

"Courtney Love" is no longer going by "Courtney Love", but rather, "Creepy Witch Who's Selling Her Dead Husband Down The River". (Evil Beet)

Good news: Yay! New Kylie Minogue album! Bad: The artwork looks like a perfume ad. (popbytes)

Yup, another day, another d-list whore poses naked for PETA's cutesy animal cause of the day. Seriously, shut the hell up PETA, you're not helping. You're just giving men boners while you spout off something about torturing bunnies, which means men are going to associate boners with torturing rabbits. Congrats, PETA, you're raising a generation of men who won't be able to get off without thinking about little dead bunnies. Also: Stephanie Pratt still just looks like an amalgamation of her useless brother and his useless inflatable fuckdoll.

Blah blah blah Lindsay Lohan blah blah blah Twitter blah blah blah Samantha Ronson spit on her blah blah blah not true blah blah blah WHORE. Seriously, do you know that at this point we've literally created a Lindsay Lohan template to use when ever she does something ridiculously stupid? It's just that easy.

Lindsay Lohan and ex-girlfriend Sam Ronson are bringing the drama once again.

"Fun @coachella but tonight @ my friernds bday party, @samantharonson spit in my face and left w/ @mileycyrus 's ex," Lindsay tweeted early Wednesday morning.

Sam responded a couple of hours later.

"Guess what didn't happen tonight......" she tweeted. (Source)

Oh who are we kidding? At this point, Lindsay Lohan's Twitter feed is composed of 10% drug-induced ramblings, 5% daddy issues, 5% slutty bikini pictures and 80% boldfaced lies. Literally. I did the math. The average Lindsay Lohan tweet goes something like "I just did a lot of meth, my Dad never loved me, and I am a leprechaun. Here's me at the beach!" Only, you know, with more typos and grammatical errors.

Here's Kim Kardashian down in Melbourne, Australia at an in-store event for ... Cell phones, I want to say? Like it even matters at this point. Kim Kardashian would show up to the opening of one of those Suicide Booths from "Futurama" if it meant a little more publicity. "I'm Kim Kardashian, and I fully support the use of Suicide Booths by the general public. And remember: for just one dollar more, you can even have your remains incinerated and placed in these cute urns!"

Here's more of the sluttiest little saleswoman at Optus:

Kate Gosselin finally got voted off "Dancing with the Washed-Up Losers" last night, ending her inexplicable run which can only be attributed to people enjoying a good trainwreck. But I guess even mangled train cars and dead bodies all over the place get boring after awhile.

When Gosselin's name was announced, she was speechless. "I need a minute," she said as she wiped tears from her eyes.

Dolovani, 36, then spoke. Despite off-camera spats, he said he was "proud of Kate. I know she gets a lot of criticism out there ... She has eight kids and is a single mom ... she showed up every single day. I thought [she] danced beautifully." (Source)

Well, we all know that's not true. She danced like a goddamn robot with a stick up its ass. But I guess that's just one of those nice little white lies you tell someone in a moment of consolation, like telling the kids grandma's gone up to heaven.

I guess Spencer must have a lot of time on his hands now that both his wife and his own show basically fired him because, once again, Spencer Pratt and his crazy eyes went on Twitter to make fun of Kate Hudson's new boob job and Snooki's...something. Yeah, comedy isn't Spencer's strong suit.

Snooki... ooooh snooki... I'm coming for you... shark fin in the water... watch out...

How is it possible to get breast implants and still not have breasts! - Kate H - get ur money back... I gotta guy who will hook you up! (Source)

I know, what's your deal Kate Hudson? What's the point of having a boob job unless your tits don't look like a pair of bowling balls someone surgically stapled to the rest of your useless body? And Spencer can't exactly talk about looks when the guy looks less like a reality TV star and more like one of those statutory rapists on "To Catch A Predator." Seriously kids, if Spencer Pratt ever shows up in an unmarked white van with candy, just say no.

Here's a list of every "- The Poor Man's -" actor out there. And yes, you will shit bricks. (Pajiba)

Oh haha, Christina Hendricks eating a melon. Get it? It's because she has huge glorious tits. (Yeeeah!)

So Sandra Bullock has finally been seen out and about without her wedding ring. Take THAT, Jesse James! (The Blemish)

Awwww, looks like Mariska Hargitay didn't wear the same ugly dress as Sherly Crowe and Tina Fey. (Seriously? OMG!)

Wow, so when exactly the hell did Scott Baio turn into a raging asshole? High talk coming from Bob Loblaw. (Celebitchy)

I think the only thing better than some random guy grabbing Kelly Ripa's ass is some random gay guy grabbing it. Kelly Ripa has a power over us. (BricksandStones)

Ooooo boy, a double! Here's Cameron Diaz displaying her "Oral talents" along with a quick thing about her upcoming crappy movie. (Agent Bedhead)

So it looks like the only good part about "American Idol" was betrayed by Ryan Seacrest. Nice. (POTP)

Alright, you've all been so good I'm giving you an extra dose of man-pretty today. Woo! (popbytes)

I think we've all had one of those moments where we get way too drunk and say something we didn't mean. Some of us just say something about starting a band or moving out of the country, and some of us jokingly invite Lindsay Lohan to be the maid of honor at our wedding. Guess which camp Katy Perry falls into? Here's a hint: It's the one that involves completely ruining your wedding.

"At one point Katy joked that Lindsay would be her perfect maid of honor.

"Katy was in high spirits and obviously just messing around. But before she knew it Lindsay was telling everyone she couldn't wait to be part of the ceremony and as maid of honor it was her job to sort out the hen night.

"Katy didn't know what to say or where to look. It started to get embarrassing for everyone. (Source)

Oh, Lindsay ... No one in their right mind would ask you to be their maid of honor, much less even invite you to their wedding. Let's face it: At this point, Lindsay Lohan is the equivalent of using a black cat to break a mirror on Friday the 13th; it's just not good luck. If you invited Lindsay, I'd be less worried about divorce and more worried that a plane might crash through the church or something.

Good news for those of you who have a thing for Oompa Loompas with bad hair and a terrible taste in clothing: Snooki's back on the market! Yeah, her and her pocket-sized bodybuilder boyfriend have split up, which means you now have the chance to sleep with a living Cabbage Patch Doll.

Sources close to the Snookster tell us the "Jersey Shore" star decided to drop her BF Emilio after he auditioned for "The Real World."

We're told Snooki was madly in love with the dude -- but was bothered by rumblings that he was using her for the fame. One source tells us when Emilio tried out for "RW" -- that was the final straw for the Snook. (Source)

God, why does this sound exactly like the opening to one of those old Japanese monster movies where Godzilla or whatever rises out of the waters and destroys Japan? Only instead of Godzilla, it's Snooki, and instead of just walking around smashing Styrofoam buildings, she's just trying to fuck anyone in a five-mile radius. All I'm saying is, if you're in Miami, beware of Guidozilla.

Betty White attended the opening of a new Pink's hot dog location in Universal City, unveiling the new Betty White "Naked" Hot Dog, free of toppings. Which is just awesome. I'm so glad they didn't waste the naked hot dog by naming it after Megan Fox or some other retard who would probably just barf it up afterward. If there's one thing that's sexy it's a woman who can handle her meat. Even if she does probably need half a can of Metamucil to pass it properly.

So this week on "Dancing With The Washed-Up Losers No One Cares About" was movie week or something, so Kate Gosselin decided to dance to "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Remember that big, fun dance sequence the kids had in the library? Well, imagine that, only instead of Molly Ringwald, it's some blond bitch with way too many kids, a false sense of self-entitlement and too much spray-tan. For those of you who want to experience what it's like to dance with Kate Gosselin in the comfort of your own home, just grab one of those rolling hat racks, paint it orange and stick a tape-recorder to it so that it yells at you every fifteen seconds.

I know I've never exactly been afraid to voice my dislike of Crazy Tits (and believe me, there are lots of things I dislike about her), but holy crap if she doesn't ever make it easy. In an interview with Out Magazine (really?!) she talked about how she was a role model to gays and lesbians everywhere and how her show made it okay for Ellen Degeneres to come out. Except that Ellen came out 10 years before her crappy show ever aired.

I was the first one to put out a TV show about bisexuality and a lot of people came out to me at the time and said, "Your show really helped me come out." And then, right after season 2, Katy Perry made "I Kissed a Girl" and then everybody was kissing girls and then Ellen [DeGeneres] came out [Ed note: Ellen DeGeneres actually came out of the closet in 1997] and everybody started coming out, slowly. It became a topic of conversation. So I definitely think that it allowed people to talk about it and pay attention to it and not turn a blind eye to what's out there. So, you don't have to like me but I did it first. (Source)

Don't you just love how the magazine actually has to go in and correct her for being a fucking idiot? "No sweetie, Ellen Degeneres came out in 1997. You know, back before anyone gave a shit about your skanky, herpes-ridden ass." If only they could explain to Crazy Tits that being willing to have sex with a donkey and a sad mime in a kiddie pool full of Jell-O for a crappy TV show doesn't make you bisexual, so much as it makes you "goddamn crazy."

Charlie Sheen has reached the point in his domestic abuse/drug/hooker downward spiral that he's taken it upon himself to shave his head. Because that's what people do now when they're going through a rough time, they shave their heads. So of course the entire internet is comparing him to Britney Spears, which I'm sure is really helping. Myself, I think it's a bit premature. Wait til he starts wearing a pink wig and speaking in a British accent, and then we'll talk. Or as I like to call it: The most hilarious episode of "Two and a Half Men," ever.

I know it's Monday right now, so chances are most of you are either hungover, still strung-out on coke, or quite possibly under house arrest, so what better way to get you going in the morning then with Christina Hendricks and her wonderful, wonderful boobies of candy and magic and love. I don't actually have a joke for this post, but if you absolutely must have one, here it goes:
*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Christina Hendricks' boobs.
Christina Hendricks' boobs who?
Shut up and stare at Christina Hendricks' boobs. Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?

As it turns out, Kick-Ass might not kick quite as much as it thinks it does. (Pajiba)

Kiefer Sutherland is doing great. And by "doing great", I mean he got kicked out of a strip club. Shirtless. (Yeeeah!)

Cristiano Ronaldo and Kim Kardashian are banging now because well a-doy, of course they are. (The Blemish)

Guess which show Stacey loves crossed the 100 episode line last night? (Seriously? OMG!)

Heidi Montag might have back problems due to her giant fake tits. No way, really? (Celebitchy)

Holy mother of GOD, what the hell happened to Kate Gosselin? (Celebslam)

Kelly Osbourne says that if Canada stops it's seal hunting, she will dress up as a 12-year-old lesbian. (HollyWire)

Peter Steele of Type O Negative died. Really this time. Our condolences. (CelebSmack)

The only good part of American Idol nearly left the show. (Evil Beet)

Crazy Tits has a new song or something about how she gave a DJ herpaghonnasyphilis, and if you look closely you can see Zachary Sire's new obsession. (popbytes)

Here are some new clips from "Toy Story 3". And yes, they are pretty goddamn fantastic. (Allie Is Wired)

Admittedly, I really don't think Katherine Heigl deserves the amount of bitchsauce we send her way. Mind you, she badmouths her own movies a lot, but never any more than we do anyway, right? That being said, pictures like these really just make it too easy, don't they? You can practically see little bits of dog meat stuck between her teeth. I'm not sure if she's petting the little guy or trying to tenderize him for later. Too bad she can't get one of these to go. Alright, now I feel a bit bad. To make up for it: Paris Hilton is a stupid, spoiled, filthy, self-centered tramp who doesn't deserve even a penny of the money she has. There, Karma is now balanced.

Look at this picture of Jennifer Aniston huddled alone and naked on beach wearing a blanket. What does it make you want to buy? Clothes? Firewood? One of those brownie husbands from last week's "Saturday Night Live"? If you guessed "Perfume" (and really, why the hell would you?) then give yourself a pat on the back. No offense, but I just don't see how Jennifer Aniston looking very cold is supposed to make me buy perfume. Does the perfume smell like lilac, desperation and Gerard Butler's balls? Actually, I would buy that. Well played, Jennifer Aniston.

Now that everyone knows Ricky Martin is gayer than Christmas (or at the very least, has irrefutable proof of it), Ricky's back in the limelight. And of course, as with all celebrities, there must be the unavoidable "you'll probably never do it, but we'll give you $1 Million to do porn!" deal from Vivid Vid- Wait, Raging Stallion? Really? Come on guys, you're better than this!

"We felt that Ricky Martin would be a perfect fit for Raging Stallion," Raging Stallion head Chris Ward. "Men have been fantasizing about having sex with him for years. We are no exception. Our fans would love to see Ricky and Austin fuck."

Ward added that he chose Austin for the pairing because of Wilde's current status as Raging Stallion Man of the Year.

"Austin is one of our hottest guys, and who better to put in bed with Ricky Martin?" (Source)

Look, I think we can all agree that now that it's stopped being the early aughts and he's stopped frosting his tips, Ricky Martin is now totally bangable. That being said, come on guys, you guys are better than publicity stunts! This is some Vivid Video crap. Now please, go back to making gritty, two-part movies centering a specific uniform fetish featuring Steve Cruz. Hey, don't knock the formula if it works.

Yes, much like the herpes that has taken up permanent residence in Paris Hilton's diseases skankbox, Megan Hauserman is backing with a goddamn vengeance! Only instead of a crappy reality TV show where she tries to bang a millionaire that includes a murderous psychopath, she just got a DUI. HA!

The VH1 reality TV personality was arrested Thursday in Miami on an outstanding DUI warrant, RadarOnline.com has learned.

Hauserman, 28, was in the custody of a women's detention center as of Friday morning, authorities said, being held on a $1,000 bond. She was slated to host a contest at a Pompano Beach, Florida strip club Thursday night, but never showed. (Source)

Oh Megan, what are we gonna do with you? DUI, dating murderers, getting into fights with Sharon Osbourne...You know, I'm starting to get the idea that you may not be the classy girl I thought you were. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run back to my foyer and clutch my pearls. And then after some tea and crumpets, I'll go drop my monocle into a glass of champagne. Good day to you, Megan.

Nicolas Cage and his awesome new Britney Spears-style budget hair weave went and bought themselves a pyramid. (See here) Because did you really expect Nicolas Cage to be buried in something as pedestrian as a coffin? PLEASE.

TMZ has learned Cage recently had a 9-foot tall pyramid-shaped super-tomb built in a New Orleans cemetery -- with the expectation that it will be his final resting place.

It's unclear why Cage chose a pyramid-shaped building -- but it's probably no coincidence that there happens to be a pyramid-shaped symbol on the poster for his classic film, "National Treasure." (Source)

Oh, come on. Nicolas Cage didn't buy a pyramid to be buried in because of National Treasure. He did it because as of now there's still no way of having your corpse dipped in platinum, encrusted with precious gems and erected as a statue on the moon. The pyramid thing was just the next most logical choice, clearly. Either way, it's good to know that Nicolas Cage will be living in fancy homes that the bank will inevitably repossess, even after he passes away.

Spencer Pratt must be off his meds again or something, because he went off on a psychotic twitter rant attacking Audrina Patridge (a worthy opponent) and her "Tijuana" plastic surgery. I waded through most of the nonsense and tried to make it as coherent as possible:

I would like to make it CLEAR! My wife and audrina have severed all ties! We no longer deal with that fake world and fake people like her.

Audrina - Don't hate because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press... and my wife is #1 story on people - 5 days in a row!

Who elected you to gage cool - BITCH! Why don't u and ur played out 90s singer Cabrera go into a bathroom stall and do what u do best...

Oh the truth is coming... I'm not playing anymore. Everyone stay tuned... its all coming out!

Audrina - you want press? Leak another 50 naked photos of yourself like u did to get relevant to in the first place.

So glad my wife gets her surgery in bev hills and not where Jwow and audrina go. We love american doctors!

So ... Did Spencer basically just admit that Heidi had all that plastic surgery for publicity? Whatever, like we didn't know that anyway. At any rate, while Audrina Patridge may have a busted face and breasts so far apart you could land a small plane between them, at least she doesn't look like a blow-up doll magically come to life who might melt in prolonged exposure to direct sunlight. Jesus. These are like 23-year-old girls we're talking about; it's not a contest. Either way at this rate they're going to be falling apart, Death Becomes Her style, by the time they hit 40.

"The Sound Of Music" as communist propaganda? Yeah, sure, why not? Oh shut up, it made me laugh. (Pajiba)

That woman who's suing Steven Seagal for sexual harrassment? She has nude photos. Oh, and she says that she manipulates men using her sex appeal. (Yeeeah!)

I'm temporarily lifting my rampant apathy of Radiohead because Conan O'Brien covered their song, "Creep", and did one helluva* job. (The Blemish)

Holy crap, "South Park" celebrated its 200th episode last night? Epic. (Seriously? OMG!)

Guess who the most powerful gay in America is? Hint: She's the one banging Lindsay Bluth. (Celebitchy)

In other gay news, The Scissor Sisters have a new song out, and it is AWESOME. (popbytes)

And in even more gay person news (We're everywhere), Melissa and Tammy Etheridge split up. *Sad Panda* (BricksandStones)

So Dreamworks decided to pimp out Shrek to VMan, and believe me, the ensuing Rule 34 is about to make you feel reeeeeeeeeeally awkward. (Agent Bedhead)

Guess who got herself a shiny new pair of boobs? (POTP)

Meh, say what you will about her music, but dammit to hell if Katy Perry doesn't have one hell of a body. (Evil Beet)

*Did you know Firefox considers "Helluva" to be an actual word? Weird.

Yeah, I know, the headline sucks, but shut up, because here's some tasty, tasty Jon Hamm to cap off your day. Even in a pair of pants that goes half-way up to his nipples, the man is still sex on a silver platter. I mean my GOD, would you look at that jaw? It is literally illegal for Jon Hamm to wear a t-shirt in international airspace he's so hot. And yes, I would like two tickets to the gun show, thank you kindly. It's good to know that despite our differences and our conflicts, we can all come together to agree that we would all totally bang Jon Hamm stupid. Now if you'll excuse me, it seems my pants have caught on fire from the hotness that is Jon Hamm and I need to go put them out.

Entertainment Weekly decided to have an interview with Crazy Tits about her upcoming EP, where she basically said that she sounds exactly like Marilyn Monroe, Madonna can't sing, and that music doesn't actually require any actual talent. To be fair though, if people like her and Heidi Montag can release music, anyone can.

Yeah, I may not be able to saaaaang! I'm not Christina Aguilera. But I don't think music is about singing. There are millions of people that can sing. But Madonna can't sing. A lot of people can't sing, you know? It's all about your conviction behind a song and your unique sound. If everybody sings like Christina Aguilera or Alicia Keys, everybody would sound alike. But when you hear my voice, it's so unique. You'll know that's Tila Tequila's voice. (Source)

Well, in a way, she's sort of right: these days, you don't need talent to get ahead. You just have to believe that you're not a talentless waste of space and everyone will love you! See kids, you don't need any of those fancy booksmarts or degrees; what you need is big, fake tits and the ability to sit on Doug Herzog's lap and call him "Daddy" without crying.

Remember how three years ago, Lindsay got drunk, hijacked a friends car and then tried to chase down another one? Well, Lindsay was supposed to meet with lawyers for a deposition on the matter, and...Yeah, you already know full well where this is going, don't you? She blew it off to go shopping. Dumbass.

Just hours after Lindsay bailed on an important deposition -- where she was supposed to answer accusations stemming from an alleged alcohol-fueled car chase in 2007 -- LiLo was seen browsing in a Beverly Hills clothing boutique.

Lindsay claimed she was too busy to attend the all-day deposition ... and who's to say shopping doesn't count? (Source)

Honestly? I think we can all agree that this is still one of the better case scenarios in the matter. Hell, considering that she didn't end up passed out, face down in a puddle of her own barf with a kilo of cocaine stuffed down her bra, I'd say this is a step in the right direction for her. At least she didn't plow her car through the front of an orphanage while sobbing to her father over the phone. That'll be next week.

Jennifer Love Hewitt got her hair cut shoulder length a few weeks back after her breakup with Jaime Kennedy -- and, although I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is a gigantic idiot -- I do think she's really pretty and stuff and that the haircut complimented her nicely. So now, for whatever goddamn reason, she's turned around and gotten some shitty looking weave. It's like, no, actually, this real hair isn't working for me ... I'm going to cut it all off and replace it with fake hair. Although I guess you could argue that's exactly the sort of shoddy decision-making that leads a person to break up with their fiancee for Jamie Kennedy in the first place.

Hey, you guys remember when Mel Gibson cheated on his wife with some random girl nobody heard about? And then she got pregnant and had a baby? Well, Mel Gibson is dumping her and their five month old baby.

Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva, his Russian musician-singer girlfriend and mother of their 5-month-old daughter, have split after over a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

"They just drifted apart," says a close friend of the couple of the amicable split. "They're both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise Lucia together." (Source)

You know, call me crazy but I missed the part in the Bible where Jesus says something like, "Hey, you know what's totally okay by me? Cheating on your wife of 30 years with some random girl, getting her pregnant, and then dumping them when you get tired." Granted, I also missed the part about driving drunk, being an anti-Semitic asshole and calling someone an asshole on live TV, but obviously, Mel must have found those passages. Either that or he's just weapons-grade douche.

You probably wouldn't appreciate this if you're not a Gleek, but oh my friggin GAWD, we now have video of Sue Sylvester performing Madonna's Vogue. *Squee* (popbytes)

Here are the 13 most successful secular fiction novels never to be adapted into a movie. Yeah, this list is even more random than usual. (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag is claiming she was sexually assaulted, conveniently when "The Hills" is almost ended and her boyfriend got kicked off. (Yeeeah!)

Oh look, Justin Timberlake might be splitting with Jessica Beil to reunite with Cameron Diaz. Who couldn't see this one coming? (The Blemish)

Oh. My. GOD. Lea Michele and Idina Menzel are like twins or something. (Seriously? OMG!)

You can now add "Homophobe" to the long list of things to hate about Jesse James. (Celebitchy)

Another day, another business that has gone down in flames after associating with Lindsay Lohan. (Celebslam)

Oh look, Justin Bieber is bashing Disney stars for being corny. Stone, meet glass house. (HollyWire)

Charlie Sheen decided to sneak out of rehab by wearing a fake mustache to bang an escort. Really? A fake mustache? (CelebSmack)

Did you know that thousands of people die every year due to an unfortunate texting-while-walking incident? Of course you didn't, because that's a complete lie. I just made that up. But wouldn't it be awesome if Paris Hilton died doing it? I mean really, the girl barely has enough brain cells to walk and chew at the same time, but walking and having to spell all those big long words? I'm surprised her brain hasn't imploded on itself. All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she accidentally wandered into the street while texting. And then got hit by a car. And then got caught underneath the car and was subsequently dragged 5 city blocks. Dare to dream, really.

When you think of 50 Cent, what do you think of? Shot nine times? Makes awful music, awful movies and awful video games? Lover of men? Well, if you thought of that last one, then congratulations on being Rufus Wainwright!

[...] I get sideswiped by the boobs, the hair, the butts, the jewels, the cars, the bad boys. And I love, love 50 Cent. I think he's just the sexiest, and a brilliant writer. And I know he's gay.

Q: What makes you so sure?
A: That cute little voice of his. It's okay, 50 Cent. Feel free to call me anytime. My boyfriend and I are experts. You can come over for dinner. And maybe dessert. (Source)

...And by dessert, I think he means "his ass". Seriously, maybe the batteries in my Gaydar need to be changed, or maybe I need to bring it in for a tune-up, but somehow, I just don't really see it. Call me crazy, but if he were actually gay, the one part of him that sucked wouldn't be his music. Or his movies. Or pretty much anything else he's ever put his name on.

Here's the good news: Kathie Griffin is going to be promoting pap smears this Friday, which, as I am told, is a handy little test that helps detect cervical cancer in women. Here's the less-good news: She's going to be doing it poolside at the Palomar Hotel, so that everyone can see her hotpocket. And here's the even less-good news: She's getting her vagina vagazzled. I think we can all agree when I say this is what happens when you reschedule the GayVNs, jerkwads.

On Friday, April 16th, she will receive this important test in hopes that every woman will see how easy it is to get this done. She will receive this test poolside at the Palomar Hotel, located at 10740 Wilshire Blvd. in Westwood by a veteran medical physician at 12pm. This is will be taped for her hit reality show "My life on the D- List." Kathy feels that this cause is so important that she has bedazzled her "va-jay-jay," so it can be as 'va-beautiful' as it 'va-can.'

Kathy's goal is to get the word out about women's health. She wants to say "Suck it to Cancer" and educate women all across the world about keeping their bodies healthy and of course inform them about when they should be getting their check-ups. (Source)

Look, I love Kathie Griffin, and I love anything that will prevent Cancer, but ummmm...I just don't want to see her get a Pap smear. Not everything in life has to be combined together like a delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I like toast, and I like to take baths, but I'm sure as hell not going to try and make toast while I'm taking a bath. Yeah, I might have learned that one the hard way. Twice.

Seth MacFarlane is going to be directing his movie. Who's willing to bet that it's going to buh-LOW? (Pajiba)

You know you're career is seriously tanking when you can't even make it onto the cover of a 3rd-party Nintendo DS game. (Yeeeah!)

The new poster for Sex and the City 2: Sandy Vaginas is out, and god help me if it doesn't make the Middle East look like the gayest place on Earth. (The Blemish)

HA! Chace Crawford forgot to zip up his fly! (Seriously? OMG!)

Ryan Phillippe is tired of getting dumped on for breaking up with Reese Witherspoon. Seriously? Didn't that happen years ago? (Celebitchy)

Here's Lea Michele looking damn good at the "Glee" premiere party. On a side note: Glee! Tonight! YAY! (BricksandStones)

Ryan Reynolds' costume for the new "Green Lantern" movie might be entirely CGI. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. (Agent Bedhead)

Ugh, gross, one of The Real Housewives wants to be on "Dancing With The Stars". (POTP)

No way, rewarding thieves for stealing from rich people by giving them their own show actually ended badly? Well consider my jaw just DROPPED. (Evil Beet)

Pamela Anderson created her own Milkshake over at "Millions of D-List Celebrities Milkshakes", the very first vegan milkshake at the store. Normally, I'd be applauding or something like that for her valiant effort to save animals, but quite frankly, I'm a little terrified of Pamela Anderson. The woman looks like a freaking Skeksis. I'm not sure whether she wants to give me a delicious milkshake or if she wants to drain the podlings and keep them as slaves.

Here's more of Hooters McSkeksis at Millions of Milkshakes:

It was passion night or something like that on "Dancing With The Washed-Up Losers No One Cares About" last night, and once again, Kate Gosselin failed and she failed hard. Granted, it wasn't as hilariously bad as her "Paparazzi" dance; it was just "assault on all five of your senses" bad. Seriously, she's dancing like both her legs fell asleep while he looks like he's getting a root canal, the band sounds like screeching banshees from the bowels of hell, and so God help me, I can even taste the air around Kate Gosselin. It's like old fish gone bad. I suddenly wonder if ditching her kids was more kind than cruel, especially when you consider that they don't have to be around Kate Gosselin anymore. High-Five, plus 8!

Heidi Montag is really serious about this whole acting thing apparently, and hasn't realized yet that the only reason people are still paying attention to her is because she's turned herself into a monster. So in the follow-up to her Shark v. Lifeguard movie which will never be made, Heidi says she's writing an action movie which will never be made. Good luck with that!

"I'm writing a movie right now. It's very action packed," the bikini-clad reality star, 23, told UsMagazine.com Sunday at the opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge at Las Vegas' Aria Resort & Casino.

"It's Bourne-meets-Barbie," adds Montag, referring to Matt Damon's action flicks. Montag would would "of course" play the starring role. (Source)

Heidi Montag has gone on record saying that because of all the work she's had done to her body she can no longer do things like go jogging or hug people (or have sex with her puss of a husband, for that matter) so at this point she couldn't be a porn star, much less action star. I mean, I'm sure Matt Damon had a stunt double helping him out in those Borne movies too, but not for every scene that didn't involve him standing perfectly still while sticking his chest out and making a blowjob face.

The whore Jesse James banged first, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, having apparently realized that everyone in the world absolutely goddamn hates her, has decided to try and fix her image by sending Sandra Bullock a half-assed apology. Seriously, if this was any less genuine, Michelle would be rolling her eyes and adding "or whatever" at the end of every sentence.

"Sandra, I'm sorry for your embarrassment," McGee says in the interview. "I'm sorry all this is public. I'm sorry for everything."

"I feel bad for Sandra," she adds. "I want to give her a heartfelt apology."

Still, McGee says that James, 40, led her on - and told her that he and Bullock, 45, were separated.

"I feel like I was duped just as much as Sandra was," says McGee. "I feel like I was lied to just as much as she was. If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning, we wouldn't be in this situation." (For his part, James has entered treatment for personal issues.) (Source)

Basically, if you're not willing to wade through that bullshit, the apology goes something like "Hey Sandy! Sorry I humiliated you by going public my affair with your husband so that I could be rich and famous. But I'm a victim! Just like you!" Just putting this out there, but here's a thought: If you sleep with someone's husband and you go public about it to the tabloids, you're not a victim, you're a fucking whore. Not a model, or a pornstar, or a prostitute, but a fucking whore.

Good: Conan O'Brien is coming back to TV! Bad: On TBS. (Pajiba)

Oh look, The Fat A$ian $pencer Pratt ha$ filed for full cu$tody of hi$ kid$. Go$h, I $ure wonder what $purend hi$ $udden intere$t? (Yeeeah!)

Aw, gross, Avril Lavgine and Brody Jenner got matching tattoos to go along with their matching doucheness. (The Blemish)

Michael Clarke Duncan reading from Jennifer Love Hewitt's book: Hilarious or awkward? You decide! (Seriously? OMG!)

It's official: Meryl Streep is now the greatest actress ever. You can all give up now. (Celebitchy)

Let's play "One of these things is not like the other!" with Khloe Kardashian. Hint: It's the one that looks like Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend. (Celebslam)

Here's Tina Fey, Steve Carrell and Taraji P. Henson talking about random stuff. (HollyWire)

Oh look, Taylor Momsen is still a filthy prostitute who should die in a fire. Suck it, whore. (CelebSmack)

Somehow, Joss Stone manages to do a naked PETA pic yet show almost no skin whatsoever. (Allie Is Wired)

Apparently, a lot of woman are crying over the fact that Ricky Martin is gay. (popbytes)

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 84th Birthday this weekend (which, even in Dog Years, is pretty goddamn old) and unlike most 84-year-olds, who celebrate with their grandkids at T.G.I.Friday's, The Hef spent the night surrounded by blond weaves and big fake plastic titties. Now some of you may look at this and wonder how he does it, but as we all know, The Hef is richer than God and the average Playboy Bunny couldn't put two puzzle pieces together bursting an aneurysm. Hey, as much as we love the little ball of adorableness that is Kendra Wilkinson, even we know the girl is practically sub-mental. That's what we love about her. They're dumb, but they're a good dumb.

We can all pretty much agree here that seeing bad things happen to Paris Hilton is a reaffirmation of the existence of a loving God, so you'll really be happy to hear that Paris and her loser boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, have split up again, and we can all laugh at her for failing at life.

Paris Hilton has reportedly split from Doug Reinhardt.The socialite reportedly called time on their 14-month romance recently, despite speculation they are planning to marry.

A source said: "Obviously she broke up with him." Paris, 29, was seen partying in Las Vegas last weekend and Doug was reportedly planning to fly out to see her on his way back from a family holiday to Aspen, but decided not to at the last minute. (Source)

OK, so this might not actually be true, although it's nice to think that it is. And I love how the unnamed source assures us that Paris was the one who broke up with Doug, because you know, everyone just loves Paris Hilton's money. Still, like the old adage goes, "Every time Paris fails at something, an angel gets it's wings."

I'm not exactly an expert at physics here (haters to the left, please), but I'm pretty sure there's some big fancy equation about mass times velocity that Heidi Montag's boobs is pissing all over right now. No offense to her, but those silicone deathballs on that body? Doesn't add up. Maybe if there was a pull-string somewhere on her back that would make her say something like "Math is hard!" or "I've spent thousands on plastic surgery because my husband has a tiny dick and I no longer feel anything in my heart!," I'd be able to understand why she can walk upright without her body snapping in half.

Here's more of Heidi Montag's body proving Sir Isaac Newton wrong:

Oooooo, yay! Pajiba's own Brian Prisco was cast by Tom Hanks in his new movie! Gleeeeeeee! (Pajiba)

Holy crap, DO NOT click this link unless you want to cringe visibly and make an audible "EUGH" sound. (Yeeeah!)

All I can think about when I see JWoww at the gym is "Boobies boobies boobies stupid tattoo boobies." (The Blemish)

Jimmy Kimmel learns some science that doesn't involve putting Peeps in a microwave. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kate Gosselin says her kids can't wait to be exploited on camera by their mother again for money! (Celebitchy)

So according to Sean Connery: A Man kissing another Man? Bad. A Man hitting a Woman? O-Tay! (Celebslam)

For the record? The guys of "Jersey Shore"? I'd hit that. Yeah, I know, I hate myself too. (HollyWire)

Awwww, looks like those golf hecklers are getting craftier! (CelebSmack)

Here's Hayden Pannesomething giant of a boyfriend. (usemycomputer)

Oh Channing Tatum...Say NO to stupid mustaches. NO! (popbytes)

Oooooo, check out a preview of the "Nightmare On Elm Street" remake! Yes, I'm excited about a remake. (Allie Is Wired)

Hot for Teachers w/ Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green from Megan Fox

So Megan Fox made a video for "Funny or Die" (because in the future, everyone will be on Funny or Die for 15 minutes) to raise awareness for budget cuts in Calfornia's Education programs. Apparently, for the teachers who actually have to deal with Arnold being a grade-A douchemonkey, this stuff is pretty close to reality. Just to show you how stupid budget cuts like these are, they actually make the woman responsible for "Transformers 1 & 2" look intelligent. Congratulations, Governator: You've created something even dumber than anything Michael Bay could ever come up with.

On top of being fired by his wife for a glorified magic 8 ball, being forced off the show for being a violent asshole, and generally being just flat-out terrifyingly creepy to look at, Spencer Pratt has officially jumped on board the crazy train. I don't mean just regular "oh, look, he's eccentric!" crazy, I mean "people are watching me everyone's out to get me so let's stock up on guns and get a 500 mm lense to catch the helicopters that are spying on me" crazy.

The Hills star asked a paparzzo friend if he could borrow a monster  500 mm lense -which costs $10,000 -- so that he could take shots of the helicopters that he believes are circling the Pacific Palisades home that he shares with his wife Heidi Montag.

A source close to Pratt exclusively told RadarOnline.com: "Spencer is convinced that people are spying on him, so, he wanted the large 500mm lense so that he could take images of the helicopters in the sky.

"Spencer is a real conspiracy theory type of guy and he really takes his and Heidi's security very seriously.

"He has several guns inside the house and has employed private security guards to protect them in the past too." (Source)

Well, you'd be paranoid too if you were Spencer Pratt! Everyone loves you and everyone wants to be your bestest friend ever and ... Oh, wait, I forgot, this is Spencer Pratt. No one loves him. I think at this point the only thing he has to worry about is fining a bag of flaming dog poo on his doorstep. Of course, with that 500mm lense all those guns, those pesky 12-year-olds don't stand a chance.

Ashton Kutcher, who is a spokesperson for Nikon and stars in those annoying goddamn Nikon commercials, was seen on the red carpet of his wife Demi Moore's The Jonses last night taking pictures left and right with what appeared to be an iPhone. Huh. That's like Tiger Woods having sex with cheap women wearing something other than Nike apparel. If he isn't happy being Nikon's spokesperson, I'm sure there are plenty of others who would be. Like Fez, or Foreman, or the one with the sideburns, for that matter. You know, the kind of guy would would appreciate being the spokesperson of something.

Brandon Davis, who you might remember as that greasy tub of lard who coined the term "Fire Crotch" has crawled out of whatever slimy little pit of obscurity he came from to say that Mischa Barton is fat, which is sort of like the slimy, doughy waste of a pot calling the kettle chubby.

Brandon Davis has found another way to bring negative attention to himself, taking to Twitterto call his ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton a fat hefer. He caught sight of her at a party for Nylon Wednesday night in LA and unleashed the following:

Omg. Just realized my ex turned into 1 of the fattest people in the planet. I'm gonna start dating plus size models. Not! Mischa the Hefer (Source)

As you can see, he's done a whole lot of growing up since noticing that Lindsay Lohan's pubic hair resembles the color of fire. You see, instead of yelling into a TMZ camera in a drunken, coke-induced haze, now he's yelling into Twitter in a drunken, crack-induced haze. It's a matter of baby steps really. Soon, this fleshy, sweat-drenched waste of a human being might even be yelling into the blogosphere in a drunken, meth-induced haze! Dare to dream, Brandon Davis, dare to dream!

Okay, pretty interesting: Essentially, "Up In The Air" is pretty much just "Jerry Maguire" without the sappy ending or the endless amounts of suck. (Pajiba)

Hey, kids, guess which singer is back on crack? If you guessed Courtney Love, you're wrong; he can't sing. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan models her leggings, which are the perfect gift for the methadone clinic-bound you woman in your life. (The Blemish)

Okay, soooooo...yeah. Jessica Simpson looks surprisingly good without makeup. Who knew? (Seriously? OMG!)

Call me crazy, but I think Sarah Jessica Parker's cover shot for "Vogue" might have been shopped. How do I know? Let's just call it "Horse Sense." (Celebitchy)

Awwww, Jake Gyllenhaal has, like, the cutest puppy dog eyes ever. Oh, and he's a stone goddamn fox. Rrrrrrrow. (popbytes)

Say what you will about her, but Jennifer Aniston has got it going on. (BricksandStones)

Yeah, so those rumours about Michael Fassbender beating his girlfriend and stuff? Completely made up. Gosh, really? (Agent Bedhead)

Here's Rihanna's performance on "American Idol" last night, and for the most part, it was...Eh. (POTP)

Good news! Oprah is going to continue her reign as the single smartest person to ever have a talk show (who is not Conan O'Brien). (Evil Beet)

Not Badass: Appearing on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."
Pretty Badass: Wearing a "Team Coco" button.
Badass: Wearing a "Team Coco" button on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."
Betty White Levels of Badassness: Doing it right in front of Jay Leno's big stupid face.

And that folks is how you make "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" watchable, if only for a few precious seconds. Haha, go eat an ass sandwich, Leno. (Source)

When contacted about the news of herfather's engagement to his 27-year-old former Star reporter girlfriend, Kate Major, Lindsay Lohan's response was that she was "gonna vomit." Well, it turns out that wasn't just the hangover kicking in, because it turns out that Lindsay and Kate Major used to be close friends. That kind of even makes me want to vomit.

As a fellow celebrity reporter, I have known Kate for years -- and in 2008 we worked together at Star Magazine. And I know first-hand that Kate was once a key member of Lindsay's entourage, serving (either paid or unpaid) as a driver, confidant, an all-purpose factotum.

Another mutual friend provides some additional context: "Kate was really close with Lindsay when she was in rehab at Cirque Lodge in 2007. Kate drove her back to Los Angeles from Utah and was the one that brought in the first-person post-rehab interview for In Touch." (Source)

I guess I was underestimating her yesterday when I said Kate really "likes" publicity. Between listening to Lindsay Lohan's problems, having sex with Jon Gosselin's inadequate penis, and getting engaged to Lindsay Lohan's completely insane father -- I'd say she'd be a perfect candidate for that "Dirty Jobs" show, if only famewhoring was considered a valid profession.

So apparently, being a loud-mouthed dumbass with no sense of responsibility must run in the family or something, because here's Bristol Palin in a new ad for The Candies Foundation. No, not the shoe place. In the ad, she's basically telling teens not to have sex unless they're super rich and famous like her. Or, you know, you could just wear a condom. I always found that teaching abstinence was like giving someone a bike, then telling them not to ride it until they have someone else, or they'll get hurt, and if you wear a helmet God will kill your heathen ass where it stands. Bitch please. Kids, for the love of God, do not listen to this woman. Sex is a good thing, just be smart about it and wear a condom. This really isn't that complicated.

Kate Gosselin has landed her own TLC show, "Twist of Kate." And somewhere out there, Jon Gosselin is crying into a bottle of Ed Hardy sangria. Anyway, the show will focus on Kate's struggle as a single mom raising her eight children. Just kidding! It has nothing to do with the kids. Hope they like nannies.

In Twist of Kate, Gosselin will use fan letters from women inspired by her story as the basis for profiles of women facing their own challenges. Twelve episodes will start airing in late summer.

"I look at it as a loose concept," says Gosselin, who says that despite rumors, she never contemplated dating or talk shows. "I want to be out there learning from others, helping to provide insight whenever I can, though I don't consider myself an expert on anything."

Gosselin will visit the homes and workplaces of everyday people. "She will be in that person's shoes. And more often than not, it's not going to be terribly comfortable for her," says TLC chief Eileen O'Neill. "She's game for things, but she also has limits and boundaries." (Source)

What I want to know exactly is who are the numbnuts out there inspired by Kate Gosselin's "story." Kate Gosselin's story is that she and her useless sack of crap husband played God with fertility treatments and had more kids than they could handle, got a reality show to help support the costs of raising eight children, let the fame go to their heads, turned against each other in a nasty public shitstorm, and now those kids they worked so goddamn hard to conceive think that the toaster is "mom." That's some story there. Maybe next TLC can have an inspiring show about a guy who hit himself in the head with a hammer until he went retarded.

BEHOLD! The 12-year-old lesbian on the cover of People magazine! Quake in fear at his freakishly large gum line! Shiver in horror at the smile that makes him look like Gary Busey in drag! Shriek with fright at the cold dead eyes that comes with months upon months of being lusted over by little girls and middle-aged woman who have no concept of reality or how a penis actually works! And scream with fear at his stupid haircut that makes him look like what would happen if Zac Efron and Brent Corrigan had a little baby lesbian! And the scariest part of all: He will not fucking go away.

Hahaha. Michael Lohan is engaged to former Star reporter Kate Major who previously and famously dated Jon Gosselin. Wow. This chick must really like publicity, since Michael Lohan has only had a restraining order taken out on him by every woman he's ever married, dated, or known in any capacity. Meshy tells Us Magazine:

"[Two weeks ago], I went down to Florida with Kate to visit her dad. I was in a hot tub with her dad at their house, and I said, 'There's something we have to talk about.' He said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Kate's pregnant!'" Lohan jokes. "I told him I was looking at the future, and I wanted to make it formal and take it to the next level. After that, he approved, then Kate and I discussed it and she discussed it with her dad."

While Major, 27, isn't expecting now, she and Lohan do eventually plan to have children. "That's one of the things I spoke to her dad about. I'm not getting any younger and Kate wants to have children," Lohan says. (Source)

Jesus. The thought of Michael Lohan spawning is only about the most terrifying thing in the world. Oh wait, correction, second most terrifying thing. It's like someone just said, "Oh hey guys, good news! Turns out George W. Bush is eligible for another term after all!"

Here's one I actually didn't see coming AT ALL: Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey have ended their five year relationship in which they have famously together raised (and supposedly "cured") Jenny McCarthy's autistic son. The news first broke via Jim Carrey's twitter, naturally.

Carrey posted on Twitter, "Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I'm grateful 4 the many blessings we've shared and I wish her the very best! S'okay! ?;^>."

"I'm so grateful for the years Jim and I shared together," McCarthy, 37, tells Us in a statement. "I will continue to be in his daughter's life and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart." (Source)

I would love to know the juicy details of what went on here ... But maybe it's just a matter of two people growing apart into different people, realizing that they want different things, and at the end of the day their asses just don't have anything to talk about anymore. Such is life.

The movie adaptation of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" is pretty much as awesome as the book. (Pajiba)

Looks like Jesse James pulled a Britney Spears and left sex rehab after only, like, two days. (Yeeeah!)

I'm not sure how real this is, but holy crap! Nicolette Sheridan might have had the crap kicked out of her by the creator of "Desperate Housewives". (The Blemish)

Why do Tori and Dean feel the need to stand by someone I don't hate? (Seriously? OMG!)

Yup, Kate Gosselin is still a colossal failure when it comes to dancing. (Celebitchy)

In other "Dancing With The Washed Up Has-Beens" news, Erin Andrews is getting death threats now. (BricksandStones)

Holy crap, if the stills and trailer for "Resident Evil: Afterlife" aren't the most badass part of your day, you probably beat up sharks for a living. (Agent Bedhead)

The delusional whore John Edwards banged is gonna be on Oprah. Are you freaking kidding me? (POTP)

Apparently, Lil Wayne is blogging from prison, which is cool until you wonder what's keeping Roman Polanski from the blagonets. (Evil Beet)

Soooooo...Um, yeah. What the hell is this? Let's see... Ugly ass banana-yellow pants my Grandma might wear? Check. Mid-section that suddenly makes me want to go buy a tube of Pillsbury crescent dough? Check. Ass that looks like it might double as a manhole cover? CHECK. Holy Christ, the more I stare at it, the more I think Mischa might be smuggling an uncooked Delissio pizza in the back of her pants. It's not delivery, it's goddamn terrifying.

Here's more of Flat-Butt and the ungodly yellow pants of Ohgodkillitwithfire:

How cute is it that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen still dress alike? Only now instead of pigtails and overalls, now they just dress like 75-year-old widow shut-ins who are still wear the same dress that they wore to their husband's funeral thirty years ago. All that's missing are the requisite cobwebs and mummified cat corpses.

Shockingly, according to Heidi Montag, there are apparently downsides to having your body tweaked, poked, prodded and sliced up more than a Thanksgiving turkey. Not only is she now incapable of jogging, but she also can't hug, lest the silicone funbags stapled to her chest explode or her back suddenly snaps in half like a cracker.

Heidi Montag's gory plastic surgery transformation was caught on tape and may air on a future reality show, she said Monday on 'On Air with Ryan Seacrest,' according to Us Weekly.

Heidi says she is happy with her new body, but there are certain things she can't do any longer. Jogging, for one, since her breasts are "E or F" depending on the bra. Also, hugging.

"I'm very weird about hugging people now -- [my body] is very fragile," she said. (Source)

Personally, I'm kinda looking forward to the day where she finally decided to try hugging again, if only because I'm pretty sure one of those Alien chest-busters is going to bust out of her boobs and run off. Either that or her giant deathtits will crush the chest of whoever has the misfortune of hugging FrankenBarbie. She just wants to loooooooooove!

17-year-old Miley Cyrus is going to be moving into her own place, which she is renovating and her mother "Tish" is decorating. Because the road to Promises Rehab isn't paved with staying at home until you reach a legal age of adulthood.

The star decided to create "a really zen" space for her first home. "We did all these different things to make it a place that's so chill," she says. "Like all my couches are on the floor and I have pillows on the floor. It's just serene - like my own kind of therapy."

"My religion is love," adds Cyrus, "so my door is always open for anyone who wants to come in. It's a just a loving place." (Source)

Funny ... I always thought Miley Cyrus' religion was "Christianity." What it sounds like she's describing is the home of someone who plans on facilitating plenty of hallucinogenic-fueled orgies. Not that Jesus would mind, necessarily. The bible never really was clear on his stance on naked mushroom parties with underage girls.

I think it's been something like two weeks since Michelle "Bombshell" McGee became some sort of fake-celebrity by being a home-wrecking nazi whore, so now it's time for some candid footage of her. Here she is singing TLC's "No Scrubs" at karaoke, and failing at it just like she fails at not being a tatted-up whore who sleeps with other people's husbands and then tells everyone about it for money. Which is to say, she didn't do so well. Mostly, she just stands around looking even more useless than she usually does, probably thinking about either how famous she is now that she had sex with a married man or singing a TLC song would bring great shame to der fuhrer.

Yeah, so...This is Gabourey Sidibe in Japan with a giant-ass bouquet of cherry blossoms. That's about it. Oh don't look at me like that; Along with Christina Hendricks and Ryan Reynolds, we are contractually obligated to post anything that involves the sheer bad-assery that is Gabourey Sidibe. Especially if it involves a giant bouquet that looks like it can slap the skeezy perv grease off of Howard Stern's horse face.

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, there's this new promo for "The Hills" where Heidi's big fake face starts crying about divorcing Spencer on their anniversary. Well surprise! It was as fake as her big stupid face! And boobs. And legs. And midsection. And arms. Actually, that lie was probably the realest part of the ad.

In a new Hills trailer, Heidi Montag declares she didn't think she'd be divorcing Spencer Pratt on their one-year anniversary.

But a source tells the new issue of Us Weekly, on stands now, that the couple is not only fine -- but Montag, 23, was misled into saying they're splitting.

"They tricked Heidi into saying she was divorcing him for an episode tease, before they told her the show was canceled," the insider says. "She didn't realize they were going to end the show without them getting back together!" (MTV had no comment.) (Source)

Now before anyone (meaning "absolutely no one") gets pissed that they tricked Heidi, you should probably know right now that tricking Heidi is the easiest thing in the world. Seriously, if you stick a mirror in front of her, she will spend hours trying to break it in order to free the pretty lady on the other side of the glass.

Hey, remember that video Erykah Badu made where she got bare-ass naked in public and then pretended to get shot? Well, she never actually got around to getting a permit for that one, so despite the fact that no one at the time bothered to report her or anything, they've decided to charge her with Disorderly Conduct and fine her a whopping $500.

According to the Dallas Morning News, local police state that Badu had disrobed in a public place without regard to other individuals and children who were in close proximity. Dallas Police Deputy Chief Mike Genovesi said one witness came forward Thursday, and told authorities that she "observed Ms. Badu remove her clothing on the public street. The witness had two small children with her and was offended."

Disorderly conduct is a Class C misdemeanor. The ticket - about as serious as a traffic violation - will be mailed to Badu. Dallas police say Badu can choose to pay the fine or go to court. (Source)

I like to think that during the taping of the video, everyone in the area was wearing a top hat and monocle and they were drinking cups of tea, and then in walks naked Erykah Badu and all their monocles fall into their tea cups. Which, incidentally, is how my prom ended. What? The gym was hot and they didn't have air conditioning and that suit was unbearably hot, and somehow it's my fault when I stand spread-eagle in front of a fan?

Here's the actual review of "Clash of the Titans", and surprisingly (to no one), it totally blows and the 3D is awful. (Pajiba)

Ha ha, Lindsay fall down go boom! ... Again. Man, this is becoming a running theme, isn't it? (Yeeeah!)

Here's Hayeden Panettiere and her giant of a boyfriend. Seriously, how much Crisco do these people need to have sex? (The Blemish)

GodDAMMIT, who let George Lopez near the cloning machine? (Seriously? OMG!)

The cast and crew of "Grey's Anatomy" are so sad to see Katherine Heigl go ... Ah, I'm just kidding, they're practically dancing on her grave. (Celebitchy)

Holy CRAP does Marla Maples ever look good in a bikini. And she's 46. (Celebslam)

Hey look, they finally found Bucky Barnes for "Captain America"! There is no way to phrase that without it sounding super gayballs. (HollyWire)

Haha, Michelle Bombshell got bitshslapped by Chelsea Handler. Suck it whore. (CelebSmack)

Nicole Richie hacked Kim Kardashian's twitter account. Aaaaaand no one cares. (Allie Is Wired)

Justin Bieber, AKA My Mortal Enemy, was on "Chelsea Lately" last night to promote his new album (Why have you forsaken us, almight Godtopus?!) and decided to hit on Chelsea Handler. And believe me when I say, she was not having any of it. I can say in perfect honesty that watching Justin Bieber squirm while Chelsea throws jab after jab at him is easily the most fulfilling part of my day. Even more fulfilling than eating two of those little cups of yogurt that Jaime Lee Curtis keeps hawking on TV. Hey, if Jaime Lee Curtis and a bunch of little yellow CGI balls say it'll help you drop a shadoobie, I'm on board.

Even though she lives an extravagant lifestyle that she doesn't work to afford, Lindsay Lohan is somehow, inexplicably, just now going broke.

We've learned Lindsay was two months behind in rent and her landlord sent her a legal notice to pay or get out. Lindsay just paid her landlord $23,000 to become current.

What's worse ... Lindsay isn't pulling in any income and her prospects for work are almost non-existent because of substance abuse issues ... according to our sources. (Source)

I always just figured Lindsay Lohan's financials were just one of those unexplained mysteries in life, like crop circles, Justin Bieber's career or Amy Winehouse still being alive. So much for my theory about Lindsay being a cocaine-loving genie, anyway.

I know April Fool's is over, but Kendra Wilkinson posted this account on her blog at some point yesterday about a previous year in which her husband Hank Baskett April Fooled her and her friend. And you guys know I can't resist myself a good Kenda story.

Anyway, on the night of april fools we were watching a scary movie and I went to the kitchen to get a snack and while I was in there I heard noises from the garage and it sounded like someone was trying to get in. I went running back into the living room screaming and told eddie and made him go look in the kitchen. So eddie is walking and im a few steps behind him and suddenly we see the basement door slowly opening and at that moment we thought we were goners -- someone was in the house and was about to kill us!!!!!! I grabbed the phone, dialed 911 and was ready to press send. Suddenly hank jumps out of the basement and scares the crap out of us...we were literally both crying haha.

I'm definitely gonna get him back this year :)

Now that's not really fair. I don't want to say April Fooling Kendra is like shooting fish in a barrel ... Because it's really more like destroying the entire barrel with a heat-seeking missile. At any rate, if she really wants to get him back, I'd go with my tried and true April Fools and just tell him that she's pregnant. Or, you know, "April Fools" ... "relationship leverage." Whatever you want to call it.

So if it wasn't enough that Charlie Sheen was in rehab, temporarily putting the kibosh on "Two And A Half Men," it's now being reported that Charlie Sheen might be ditching the show if they don't up his pay raise, which means either canceling the show or renaming it "One And A Half Men."

The actor is reportedly asking for $1.5 million to $2 million per episode, and according to PEOPLE, he recently turned down the offer for an eighth season. "He wants to move on," said a friend of the actor. "Leaving is 100 percent his idea."

Should Sheen leave, Warner Bros. could lose money as well, Josef Adalian at TheWrap.com notes, especially if its agreement with CBS contains language giving the network an out if a key cast member such as Sheen were to leave. (Source)

Oh come on, seriously? He makes $1 million to make the absolute worst show on television ever? (Now that "The Jeff Dunham Show" is off the air, anyway.) This is like paying someone $1 million every time they punch a baby in the face, then demanding one day that punching babies is so exhausting that you need $2 million. Goddammit Charlie Sheen, if you want $2 million, you might as well just start punching babies like other good, hard-working Americans.

Hai mEAtbAgs. wE R TeH SPAMBoTS. We hAZ taKEn OvaR LitElySAlteD. BOW BE4 US.

We HaZ tAkeN oVar teH PAjibA 2. "ClAsh of tEh TitAnz" iz Teh Sh!T. :) (PaJibA)

OMG LinDSay LOhan !z looKin seXXXeh lOLz. :D (Yeeeah!)

K!m KaRDashiAn iS so SexxaY & BEutifUl sHe is MAny MenZ dREam gIRl. :P (The Blemish)

LOLZ JusTiN BiEber iz a Totl QT aND in NO waY lookz LyKE A 12 YEar olD leSbIan. ;) (Seriously? OMG!)

I <3 GwyNETh PaLtroW's GOOP and shes tAlkiN AboUT hEalThY EAtiNg. :O (Celebitchy)

WTF tHis is SOooO sAd. SELenA GoMEz & NiCK JonaS brOkE Up. :'( (Evil Beet)

WHAT WHAT?! JenNifEr ANisTon haz Gr8 LegS! ;P (BricksandStones)

ScArlEt JoHanSson looKs HoTT On teh IroN MAn 2 poSter! :'D (Agent Bedhead)

WTF PAmelA AnDerSoN anD KaTe GoSseliN arE FighTiNG! >:( (POTP)

OMG poOR SanDrA BulLOcK, her HusBanD KepT WEirD stUFf on His ComPUTer. >:'O (popbytes)

I know I may have prematurely awarded the title of "Best Dad Ever!" to Puck after he got drunk and nearly killed his son in a DUI, but it looks like Michael "Does this mesh shirt make my tits like saggy, rotten hams?" Lohan is making a valiant effort to reclaim the honor by threatening to kill his daughter. Niiiiiiice.

"Someone, which I've mentioned in the past, fell back into the person they used to be when they'd verbally & psychically abused & hurt me...

"It reminded me of when my father would verbally/literally HURT my mother, brothers, sister Aliana," she continues. "Now, as scary for me-->mind, body&sould- it's been, why, i ask u? why me? i've worked so hard, and still work so hard in life-i try to do as fmuch as i can to put my fathers lack of appreciation-towards his family, friends, co-workers, dhioner towards himself , his denituy...."

[...] "My father just sent me this as I was leaving my gym "I told you to stop Linds this is the last time...'" she tweeted, "and take down the tweet about me HURTING MOM.. U will be getting a call from SOMEBODY today to end you" (Source)

Oh wow, that's nice. Really great way to tell your daughter how much you love her. You know, normally some flowers or a card does the trick, but if you really want to go all in, nothing's better than a thinly-veiled death threat sent to her cell phone! It's sort of like that Hallmark slogan, "If you care enough to send the very best," only it's more like "If you're coked up enough to threaten filicide."

For some inexplicable reason, Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian flashed a bunch of photographers off the balcony of her Miami hotel room yesterday. Come on now, no one wants to see that! There was once a national survey held as to which of the Kardashians people would least like to see topless and I think Khloe beat out even the mom one and that other guy on the show with the face. True story.

So there's a new LGBT-Rights campaign out there now called Give A Damn, and one of the people on board was Anna Paquin, who announced that she was bisexual. REAL bisexual. Not "Oh, I have a crappy album/movie to hawk, so I'm gonna say I like chicks to get guys to come," I mean, like, actual bisexuality. Woohoo!

Paquin - who's engaged to her handsome True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer -quietly made the revelation during a top-secret taping earlier this year of a Public Service Announcement (PSA) on behalf of the True Colors Fund, an organization dedicated to fighting for equal rights for everyone -gay, straight, bisexual or transgendered.

The PSA was taped Saturday, January 30th, at the Standard Hotel in Los Angeles, and a source exclusively tells RadarOnline.com that Paquin, on-camera, identified herself as being bisexual, saying: "I'm Anna Paquin. I'm bisexual, and I give a damn." (Source)

Ugh, thank you Jesus we finally have an actual bisexual woman instead of two-bit attention whore with Daddy issues and a blood-alcohol level five times the legal limit. Suck it, Lindsay Lohan. And Crazy Tits. And Katy Perry. I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you Jesus for Anna Paquin.

Hey, remember how Heidi and Spencer decided to adopt "Indian names" because they're goddamn ridiculous? Well, in the most shocking shocker that ever shocked a shock, they're actually pretty pissed about that, I'm assuming because absolutely NO ONE wants to take the blame for Heidi and Spencer's continued existence.

After the people formally known as Heidi and Spencer announced their new names, TMZ spoke with a rep from the Rosebud Sioux Tribe of South Dakota, who told us, "Continued stereotyping such as this by people ignorant of our traditional ways is very disrespectful and only hurts our efforts to curtail these stereotypes."

The rep claims they're especially upset because "the names they have given themselves are legitimate names in our tribe." And they're not the only ones pissed at the MTV couple... (Source)

Well of course they're pissed. If it wasn't bad enough that they're land was taken away from them, now these two douchebags are hoarding in on their turf? Ugh, this is like that commercial where someone throws some trash on the ground and the Native American guy sheds a single tear, only instead of trash, it's ... Well, actually, yes, it's exactly like that commercial.