You know, I REALLY don't get enough opportunities to post leaked sex pics of male celebrities, so here's Grady Sizemore living up to his name. (Yeeeah!)

As it turns out, Wes Anderson's The Fantastic Mr. Fox also lives up to its name. (Pajiba)

Remember how Shauna Sand (Yeah, I'm not sure who she is either) was crying over her sex tape being leaked? Wellllllllll...Not so much anymore, really. (The Blemish)

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, the most delightfully boring couple ever, have broken up. I'm sure you must all be absolutely crushed. (Seriously? OMG!)

How is it that Meryl Streep looks better at 60 then most celebutards look in their twenties? (Celebitchy)

It's only been a week since Oprah declared she was leaving her show? Quick! Trot out the "Oprah and Gayle are lesbians!" story! (Celebslam)

So as it turns out, crashing a White House party for the sake of trying to get on a reality TV show about stupid spoiled whores might actually be illegal. Who knew, amiright? (HollyWire)

Here's Ms. Kabuki-Bettie-Page herself promoting her book and lookin' all kinds of fabulous. (CelebSmack)

Kristen Stewart does some actressin' in The Yellow Handkerchief. (usemycomputer)

Courtney Love and DJ Halls have reportedly fucked. In related news, *HOOOOOOOOOORK* (Allie Is Wired)

Ladies and gentlemen, the all-crimincal football team! (Celeb Jihad)

Lady Gaga fell down (20 second mark) and later tripped (2:50 mark) during a performance in Montreal this weekend. The most surprising thing about her falling is that she wasn't wearing some kind of elaborate, 50lb. headdress made out of paper mache and dead spiders or shoes made out of like marbles or something. Nope. It's like she just fell for almost no reason whatsoever.

Today in "Nick Hogan is an Idiot Who Should Die" news, Nick Hogan was involved in a minor car accident in downtown Los Angeles last night after returning from a charity event called "Keep It on the Track" teaching people how to drive safely. I'm not making that up. At any rate, no details have been given but I assume that the accident was 100% Nick Hogan's fault just like I assume that it's raining today due to the condensation of atmospheric water vapor, rather than the other explanation, which would be "God crying."

It was just a normal Thanksgiving weekend for the Hasselhoff family, meaning that David Hasselhoff was hospitalized for two days for undisclosed reasons. (Read: Deadly booze consumption.) Not to be outdone by her ex-husband, Hasselhoff's former wife Pamela Bach also scored herself a DUI. All-in-all, not a bad weekend for the two.

"David is home now and he's fine," says Goldsman. Hasselhoff's troubles began at home on Friday. Though authorities did not identify the name of the patient or the owner of the home, a fire department spokesman did confirm that paramedics responded to a call for medical aid at 11:51 a.m. at a home in Encino, and the patient was transported by ambulance to a local hospital. People learned that the address of the home matches the one owned by Hasselhoff.

Also, Hasselhoff's ex-wife Bach was arrested on a DUI charge by the California Highway Patrol on Saturday night while driving down the 101 Freeway near Laurel Canyon Blvd. According to a Los Angeles Police Department jail spokesman, she was taken into custody at the Van Nuys jail and later released on her own recognizance. (Source)

What I can't figure out is how these two couldn't make it work. They seem as natural a pairing as peanut butter and chocolate. Or scotch and vodka. What? In some circles the "scotchka" is known as a delightfully refreshing beverage.

Tiger Woods was involved in a car accident which left him with facial lacerations when he pulled out of his driveway around 2:30 a.m. this weekend and smashed straight into a fire hydrant and a tree. In a rare twist of events, Woods was sober and no alcohol was found at the scene, however the accident came on the heels of a National Enquirer story claiming he was cheating on his wife. Instead of talking to police about the incident, Shady McShaderson instead released a statement on his website:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way.

Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me.

My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

Luckily for you guys I can translate celebrity-speak, and basically what Tiger is saying here is: "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh dear God. Please don't let anybody find out my wife hits me." Seriously though folks, domestic violence is never funny. Unless it's a woman beating up a cheatin-ass man. In that case: comedy gold.

In honour of (American) Thanksgiving tomorrow, here's a list of Eating Mishaps on Film. (Pajiba)

Did Lady Gaga get breast implants? Or did she finally realize that your supposed to stuff your bra, not your panties? (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton and her Cock-Of-The-Week are moving away, and sadly, it's not to the center of the Bermuda Triangle. (The Blemish)

Jimmy Kimmel might have blown a fuse on the set of The Bonnie Hunt Show. In related news, Bonnie Hunt has her own show. (Seriously? OMG!)

It's official: Everyone get ready for Shrek 4: Mike Meyers Needs To Pay For A Down-Payment On A Bungalow In The Caribbean. (Celebitchy)

Just in case you forgot, Hulk Hogan is still fucking someone who looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAUGHTER, because that isn't creepy at all. (Celebslam)

So as it turns out, that rumours about The Jonas Brothers dying in a plane crash aren't true, but we can all appreciate that small window of time where we thought they were. (HollyWire)

Awwwww, don't you just hate it when you go on national TV and forget that you're totally not wearing any pants? (CelebSmack)

Here's Natalie "I Used To Be Lovable But Now I'm Just Irritating" Portman at the a showing of Brothers in New York. (usemycomputer)

Adam Lambert's video for For Your Entertainment is out, and it is faaaaaaaaabulouuuuuuuuus. (popbytes)

Yeah, remember that girl who threatened to eat her cat if Miley Cyrus didn't go back on Twitter? She wasn't kidding. (Celeb Jihad)

After just last week when Miley Cyrus told a radio morning show host that she "doesn't believe in" Twilight, Sirius XM's "Morning Mash Up" had the nerve to ask her to elaborate and that's when things got nasty. (1:45 mark) When the host asks her why she's so anti-Twilight Miley goes off on a riff saying how it's a "cult" and it's "bad" and people "get too into it."

So when she says "cult," she means like the type of people who sacrifice animals in the name of their religion? You know, like that totally insane Miley Cyrus fan who allegedly killed and ate her pet cat (images may be disturbing) in a plea to get Miley Cyrus to come back to twitter? Right. If Miley Cyrus thinks Twilight is a cult clearly she's never been to a Hannah Montana concert.

Dressed like five dollar hooker at Nassau Coliseum for the start of her "Wonder World" tour:

Being the day before Thanksgiving there ain't a whole lot going on in the gossip world, so lucky for us Kim Kardashian posted a list on her blog of things she's thankful for.

1. My family- family is really the most important thing in life.
2. My wonderful fans for always giving me that much needed pick me up.
3. Lamar for making Khloe the happiest girl in the world.
4. Kourtney and Scott for blessing us with my first nephew.
5. My boyfriend having an amazing season so far.
6. My glam squad for always making me fabulous!
7. My new dog Rocky who I am just so obsessed with.
8. My mom for putting in so much work every day and making it all happen.
9. My all my friends who keep me sane! LOL!
10. My web manager, Jen, for helping to manage my life and come up with cool web concepts!

How rude, she forget to thank her sex tape, which made her a household name and without, no one would ever know who Kim Kardashian or any of her famewhoring Armenian harpy sisters were in the first place. Oh, and of course Ray J for peeing on her, because they don't award E! reality shows to just any old amateur sex tape participant.

Kim and her famewhoring harpy mother at Diddy's birthday party:

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm getting into the spirit of the holiday, one of the things I'm most thankful for is Bai Ling. And judging by the expression on the homeless man's face in this random, totally inexplicable photo shoot I came across, I can tell he's feeling pretty much the same way. Who needs a hot turkey meal when you can have a spastic, scantily-clad Chinese woman touching your head? Normally that's the sort of thing a guy would need to down a gallon of Thunderbird to simulate.

Katie Holmes and two friends went to a Manhattan movie theater to catch a showing of Twilight: New Moon last weekend, and she and her friends proceeded to act like giant bitches by talking through the whole movie and ruining it for everyone.

"Katie talked through all of 'New Moon.' It was unbelievable - they talked nonstop about the movie and everything else. Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent. No one wanted to shush Katie." (Source)

So why didn't anyone want to shush Katie Holmes again? If some asshole blabbed through my favorite movie, I don't care if she's Queen Shit of Turd Mountain, we're going to have a serious problem. Of course, as far as I know Turd Mountain has its own multiplex, so luckily my chances of running into Queen Shit and between slim and nil.

More of Katie wearing unflattering shorts with Anna Paquin on the set of The Romantics:

Kat Dennings has joined the already phenomenal cast of Thor. In related news, my heart grew three sizes today. (Pajiba)

St. Tila Tequila continues her "I Have Officially Gone Batshit Tour '09" by releasing a sex tape with a man just days after calling herself a lesbian. (Yeeeah!)

Adam Lambert got nixed from Good Morning America for doing shit that everyone else has already done before. (The Blemish)

Goddamn, who knew Stephen Colbert was packing some serious pubic inches down there? (Seriously? OMG!)

Awwww, isn't that cute? Only a day over seventeen and Miley is already acting like a self-entitled bitch. They grow up so fast, don't they? (Celebitchy)

OMG YOU GUYZ! R-PATZ AND K-STEW WERE 2GETHER @ TEH AIRPORT WICH MEANZ THEIR DAYTING ZOMGWTFBBQLOLOL!!!!1! (BricksandStones)

And if that last post didn't make you lose all faith in the existence of a higher power, this next one will. And it'll do it in French. (Agent Bedhead)

Michael Lohan has started releasing taped conversations between himself and The Fat Asian Spencer Pratt, creating the ultimate black hole of awful fucking parenting. (POTP)

Straight men (and like-minded ladies), I have four words for you: Victoria's Secrets Fashion Show. Aaaaaaaaaaand you're welcome. (Superior Gossip)

Heidi Montag, who has apparently completely abandoned trying to pull off calling herself Heidi Pratt, leaked her new single "Superficial" on the internet since that's really her only hope of getting anyone to listen to it. Predictably, the song's lyrics are pretty much about how rich and famous and better than everyone she is, since she basically can't relate to anything else whatsoever.

"They say I'm superficial, some call me a bitch, They're just mad, 'cause I'm sexy famous and I'm rich."

For the record, I don't hate Heidi Montag because she's a bitch. I hate her because she radiates stupidity like the sun radiates heat and light. I hate Spencer because he's a bitch. Get it right, Montag.

Evil and Stupid at their How to be Famous book signing:

Just a week after pissing off British morning show host Phillip Schofield by showing up late, Mariah Carey acted like a big fat diva on the UK's GMTV yesterday. And because British people apparently have no problem calling Mariah out on her shit, GMTV's Kate Garraway was all too happy to give details.

'I've heard a lot of rumours about her being a diva over the years and guess what? It turns out it's all true!' Miss Garraway added: 'While Mariah was very nice, the amount of people she had in her entourage was hilarious. 'They outnumbered the entire GMTV crew!

She had two people to lower her on to the GMTV sofa, in case her dress got crushed, one person to walk in front of her backwards at all times in case she fell over and several people behind the camera making sure she was going to be filmed from the right angle!

'Have you ever heard anything like it? Oh, and she brought her own toilet roll as well.' (Source)

I think you've reached the upper echelon of diva, like old-timey European royalty diva, when you can no longer perform tasks like walking and sitting down on your own anymore. The toilet paper isn't such a big deal though, I guess. At least she didn't bring the guy who has to use it on her. What? Nick Cannon's got to do something in between holding purses.

Mike Seaver stopped by the UCLA campus to hand out "revised" copies of Origin of the Species, in which the author attempts to tie Charles Darwin to Hitler (reasonable enough) but it turns out highfalutin booksmarts college kids already have their own ideas about science and religion. It goes down about as well as you'd expect for a debate between an educated student and a guy who spend his formative years on the set of "Growing Pains," but here's a choice snippet of the conversation:

Student: Science is based on evidence, where religion is based on faith.
Cameron: But Darwinism is extremely based on faith
Student: Not really, it's based on a lot of evidence.

If that had been a game of Mortal Combat, at that point the game would have said "FINISH HIM!" and the college student would have plugged some button combo into the controller to crush Kirk Cameron's head in his own bible. But luckily since life is different than Mortal Combat there's just another five or so minutes of him standing around looking totally inadequate. Maybe next time he should try debating with someone a little more his own speed, like a second grade classroom. Oh, just kidding. Even second graders would own Kirk Cameron's ass.

Today in Kendra Wilkinson's blog a.k.a my favorite thing ever in the world, Kendra dressed her dogs up in Santa costumes. And then blogged about it. Because, of course she did.

I bought the dogs Christmas sweaters haha!! I dressed Rascal as Santa Claws and Martini as Mrs. Claws lolol. The dogs hated them but they looked soooo cute with them on! I know it's a little early for Christmas stuff but when I saw these sweaters I just couldn't help myself! I love the holidays :) (Source)

Is anyone even remotely surprised that Kenda would name her dog "Martini?" Frankly, I'm just surprised that she even knew how to spell "Martini." That's a tricky one, you know. It sounds like there should be an "e" or a "y" in there somewhere but it turns out there's really just two "i"s.

And so, with Planet 51, Dwayne Johnson only further enrages my case of Blue Balls. (Pajiba)

There was some sort of awards show last night, and you know what that means: Ugly, slutty dresses! (Yeeeah!)

New Moon had the third largest opening box office in history, proving once and for all that tween girls are both obscenely rich and fucking stupid. (The Blemish)

Jon & Kate Plus 8 is airing its final episode tonight, marking the last time you will ever see The Fat, Asian Spencer Pratt's chubb rolls on your screen. (Seriously? OMG!)

Scott Stapp says his sex tape doesn't contain any actual sex, sorta like how his albums don't contain any actual music. (Celebitchy)

As it turns out, everyone on The Los Angeles Lakers hates Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend as much as we do. (Celebslam)

Miley Cyrus is officially 17 years old today! As in, still not 18. As in, stop dressing like a child prostitute. (HollyWire)

Mrs. Potato-Head was on the Today Show today, which I'm sure your grandmother absolutely fucking loved. (CelebSmack)

Fuck it. I don't get the chance to link to XKCD that often and I'll be damned if I miss my one opportunity here. (usemycomputer)

Do people really even NEED a legitimate reason to make fun of Chris Brown at this point? The answer is no, of course not. (Allie Is Wired)

Oh all of you can just fuck right off. I love Kelly Clarkson. Suck it! (Celeb Jihad)

Suri Cruise and Whatsherface were seen out in New York City over the weekend where Whatsherface is shooting her new movie The Romantics. And of course Suri looked like a million bucks, because she's fabulous and she always does. You can sure tell this kid is related to Tom Cruise anyway. She's only like three and probably has pieces of corn in her stool which are more confident than I'll ever be in my entire life.

Kate Hudson came this close to a major wardrobe malfunction when she and Nicole Kidman introduced the Black Eyed Peas at last night's American Music Awards, but was ultimately saved by the fact that she has the chest of a 12-year-old boy. Which is a good thing, because what with Michael Jackson being dead and all, I'm pretty sure no one at the American Music Awards wants to see that.

Jennifer Lopez wasn't the only one who took a spill at the AMAs last night. "American Idol's" Adam Lambert also took a tumble like Gay Indiana Jones while performing his new single "Entertainment," (1:45 mark) only most people probably didn't notice because they were too busy clutching their bodices, throwing their hands up to their foreheads and fainting.

Lambert alternately had a dancer on a leash, had a dancer's head grinding against his crotch simulating oral sex, and had a hand on his own crotch. He also made out with a male band member and flipped his middle finger. And it was on ABC prime time. (Source)

Ehhh, whatever. Like a little homoerotic S&M now and then is going to kill anyone. And really, if you think that's the most vile, offensive thing ever to be broadcast on prime time television, clearly you've never been forced to sit through an episode of "According to Jim."

Jennifer Lopez performed her new single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards last night, and just because she's like, in her forties and has had two kids and is basically a glorified housewife at this point -- don't think she can't still put on one hell of a show. And by "one hell of a show" I mean that she climbed up a stairway of shirtless dancers then jumped off the top of the stairway of shirtless dancers and totally ate it. (2:55 mark) Maybe next time instead of a stairway of shirtless dancers she should try something a little less challenging, like an airport-style walkway of shirtless dancers. Old people never hurt themselves on those things.

Oh lookie here, folks: Levi Johnston's Playgirl pics have somehow leaked onto the internet (Thank you, Baskit Underwear). And as you would expect...They're kinda boring. I mean my God man, you made, what, $100,000 or something like that? Christ, I don't even get paid that much, and I'm showing the full monty. AND THEN SOME! But hey, if it'll net me a fuckton of money, I'd totally be willing to knock up the daughter of some dumbass governor.

Anyway, from one porn star to another: Show your cock. It really isn't that hard. Just drop trou, let 'em take pictures, then go home and play Batman: Arham Asylum until your thumbs snap off. And for fuck's sake, next time you have to decide between Playgirl and Unzipped, go with Unzipped. Do you know who reads Playgirl? FUCKING NO ONE.

Some more NSFW pics:

Twilight: New Moon is worse than the first Twilight in that it's not just stupid, it's also boring. (Pajiba)

Hayden Panettiere takes it to the face and still manages to not be sexy whatsoever. (Yeeeah!)

The qualities Rihanna looks for in a man are guys that are hung like stallions and won't hit her. Just kidding about the second part. (The Blemish)

James Franco started his stint on "General Hospital" today. (Seriously? OMG!)

"Jon and Kate" is finally, blessedly, wrapping up for good on Monday. (Celebitchy)

I see London I see France ... Oh hell, Beyonce upskirt. (Celebslam)

Miley Cyrus' tour bus crashes, killing the driver. Yikes. (CelebSmack)

Holy butchered face, Batman! What happened to Rose McGowan? (usemycomputer)

Here's outtakes of Megan Fox posing discreetly for the New York Times. Just kidding, more like spread-eagle in her underwear. (Celeb Jihad)

This story makes me want to vomit up the Hot Pocket I ate for lunch, but apparently Fat Asian Spencer Pratt's insatiable lust for women knows no bounds. Star is reporting that garden variety skank is no longer good for him, and now he wants to score himself some D-list tail.

"Jon said he really wants to hook up with Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port," an insider tells Star. As we report in our new issue, on newsstands now, the soon-to-be divorced dad of eight has crafted a "hit list" of starlets he'd like to add to the notches on his bedpost! (Source)

Yeah right. Even those girls from "The Hills" have higher standards than that. Like they'll just bang any old asshole in an Ed Hardy shirt; and last time I checked Jon Gosselin still wasn't one of Bruce Jenner's offspring. Lindsay on the other hand ... Yeah, she'd probably do him. But to be fair Lindsay Lohan has probably never even heard of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight."

Miley Cyrus celebrated her 17th birthday with an '80's themed party on Wednesday night, and always the example of good taste and appropriateness, Miley dressed as Julia Roberts "hooker" character from "Pretty Woman."

The teen star -- recently criticized for pole dancing at the Teen Choice Awards -- donned the sexy outfit and danced the night away at the Canal Room on West Broadway, where Constantine Maroulis and the cast of the Broadway hit "Rock of Ages" surprised Miley with a performance.

Sources told Page Six: "Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I'm not sure who was more into Constantine -- Miley or her mother." Between songs from the musical, Miley grabbed Constantine and danced with him at the front of the stage and then Tish joined in. (Source)

Jesus, poor Constantine. I don't know what sounds more terrifying; an underage girl dressed like a prostitute grinding up against him, her 40-something mother or both of them at the same time. I guess one could argue that's how pornos start, but same goes for probation stints and lifetimes of therapy.

Miley and "Tish" skanking it up together at the Teen Choice awards in August:

As I've mentioned in the past, on occasion the good people at random PR firms send me stuff that they want me to put on my website since I am an important and influential blogger. So last night I got an email with the subject "What Is ... Alex Trebek Doing at Ford," because apparently someone thought I would be interested posting about Alex Trebek in a context other than him getting busted in some bizarre sex scandal with small Korean boys.

I wanted to pass along some photos taken of Alex Trebek, host of the popular game show Jeopardy, this week on a visit to Ford Motor Company in Dearborn, Mi. Trebek is visiting several never before seen locations on the Ford campus, shooting video clues for episodes airing in spring 2010. While Trebek rarely goes on location to shoot the clues himself, he wanted to celebrate Ford's great American heritage as a car company.

Please let me know if you are interested in speaking to Alex about his visit to Ford.

Hmm ... As much as I'm dying to ask Alex Trebek about his visit with Ford and see if he got a chance to test drive the sweet new Ford Focus '10 model, I'm kind of more curious about the thing with the Korean boys. Oh, except that I just made that up right now ... Or did I? And that folks, is the stuff that slander lawsuits are made of.

More hot Ford/Trebek action below:

Oprah Winfrey is going to make an announcement today that after over twenty years on the air, "The Oprah Winfrey Show" is going to ride off into the sunset. I know I'm taking this news particularly hard since I've never watched the Oprah show.*

"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history," the statement read. "The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."

A rep for Winfrey previously said the daytime queen planned to make an announcement by year's end about whether she was planning to make a leap from her current daytime talk show to her previously announced cable channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). (Source)

Oh, well of fucking course she's starting her own cable network. You can't properly amass for world domination when you're on someone else's network. That would just be tacky.

*This isn't 100% accurate. I did watch "Oprah" one time when my sister was supposed to be on it because the leader of the animal rescue organization she volunteered with was the guest. But her segment was cut so Lord Oprah could run an extended montage of her dead Cocker Spaniel. True story.

St. Tila Tequila reportedly stripped and masturbated on webcam, called herself a "lesbian", then said that anyone who was against it "is gay and in denial". Hey Tila, the guano factory called, they want their batshit back. (The Blemish)

Forbes Magazine calculated The Most Overpaid Actors in Hollywood. TO the surprise of absolutely no one, Will Ferrell topped the list. (Pajiba)

Mariah Carey was reportedly denied a rider request for 20 white kittens and 100 doves, or as she calls it, "a light between-meals snack". (Yeeeah!)

Leighton Meester does her best "Crazy, Slutty Easter Egg" Impression, and fails pretty miserably. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jenna Jameson was on Oprah (Quick Aside: FUCK YEAH!) yesterday, saying that "you can see love" in her movies, thus answering the question of what Jenna Jameson named her vagina. (Celebitchy)

It's been a while since we've reported on Megan Fox, probably because she doesn't have a movie to promote, so here she is reminding us that she's sexy. (Celeb Jihad)

Lauren Conrad is going to be writing yet another book, because of fucking course she is. (BricksandStones)

Gwyneth "GOOPy" Paltrow has a tip about what to do with all those Thanksgiving leftovers, Peeps! *Spoiler Alert* Just fucking eat them. (Agent Bedhead)

Carrie Prejean called Donald Trump for career advice. The punchline? He told her to do porn. Please don't. We don't want you, bitch. (POTP)

Ashley Tisdale got nominated for three Oscars and a Golden Globe today...Yeah, I'm just fucking with ya. She actually just sat around in a bikini doing nothing. (Superior Gossip)

Keeley Hazell, who is some sort of model or something, shit if I know, is in PETA's new "LOOOOOKIT! NAKED PEOPLE WOOO! Oh and like, animals or something" ad campaign. See, because, get it? She's comfortable in her skin since she's not wearing fur and she's also buck naked. I mean, come on ladies. Why can't you all just stop covering up your paunchy stomachs and cellulite and saggy breasts and horrific burn scars with the pelt of dead animals and just be comfortable in your skin like Keeley Hazell is? The large-breasted, blonde, flawless 23-year-old model hath spoketh.

Thumbnails NSFW:

Levi Johnston flew out to Los Angeles earlier this week for last night's GQ "Men of the Year" party, and made a huge assy spectacle of himself at JFK airport, refusing to stand in line with "the commoners" (including "Seinfeld's Jason Alexander) and insisted to be seated before everyone else.

A spy on his American Airlines flight told Page Six: "He then made a big show of getting on first. He was seated in the front row of first class, looking like he was born to be there and waiting for some recognition. Jason Alexander was quietly sitting behind him." (Source)

It was a different story when he actually got to the star-studded GQ event, however, because as it turns out nobody gives a shit about some punk-ass 15-minutes-of-fame governor's-daughter-impregnating redneck from Alaska:

Levi, who had on a vest, yellow pocket square and what appeared to be pancake makeup, wandered around the party with both his manager Tank (wearing a diamond earring) and a second beefy gentleman (wearing an earpiece). And no one cared.

Levi was largely ignored by other guests as he wandered to get a soda (he's underage) and he checked his Blackberry while Tank hit up the buffet. An hour later, they were gone. (Source)

I wonder if anyone got it on film the exact moment that Levi realized that he was a nobody, kind of like on that "Simpsons" episode where Lisa broke Ralph Wiggum's heart. I'd like to think it was when Quentin Tarantino saw Levi's jaunty yellow pocket square, mistook him for a busboy and handed him his empty cocktail glass.

Random attendees of the GQ "Men of the Year" party who are better than Levi Johnston:

Robert Pattinson said that he would do nudity "for the right part." I love how talks of doing nudity in films are restricted solely for actresses and Robert Pattinson. Because he's pretty and soft just like a girl, see?

"It's funny because Spanish people have no problem with nudity at all," he told U.K.'s Star magazine. "And English people obviously do have the most enormous problem with it.

Pattinson even admitted that he would take off all of his clothes - for the right part. "I think it would depend on what it is," he said. "And I don't think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion!" (Source)

Anyway, this is pretty much the biggest non-story ever, because Robert Pattinson already did full frontal nudity for a role, (linked image NSFW) and it was called Little Ashes and came out last year. I guess that doesn't really count though, because what hot-blooded 13-year-old girl wants to watch a movie about stupid Salvador Dali. I mean, does he even sparkle? Booooring. They might as just read their algebra books or whatever.

At the Los Angeles premiere of Twilight: New Moon:

Victoria Beckham gave a recent interview to Allure magazine and among the topics discussed? Spoiler alert! She has sex with David Beckham, likes to eat salad and is out in the sun a lot.

[If] given the choice of salads or fries, she admits she always goes green. "I'm not going to lie -- I'm not one of those people that says, 'Oh, I eat hamburgers.'"

And as for her oft-criticized skin tone? It's all natural, she says. "I don't self-tan anymore," she says. "It's frustrating when people criticize my color. It's the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate."

The former Spice Girl, however, doesn't get upset if you call her Posh. "I'm so respectful of the Spice Girls, and I love all the girls dearly, but it's nice now that people know my name," she says. "But either is a compliment. I mean, I've been called a lot worse." (Source)

What a bitch. She actually admits to eating salad and doesn't mind when people call her by the schmaltzy stage name from her girl pop group from a decade ago. Oh who am I kidding. I have a total f'ing girl crush on Victoria Beckham. I want to raid her wardrobe and parade around in all of her mod shift dresses even though they'd only zip halfway up my back and borrow her adorable mohawked children. Oh, and, you know ... Bang the shit out of her husband. But that's just a given.

More of the Beckham family at a Laker's game last month:

Kendra Wilkinson blessed us with another one of her photo blog posts yesterday. I love it. I hope she stays pregnant forever if she keeps blogging about it.

I always yell at Hank for playing video games too much but then yesterday Hank and my friend Eddie caught me playing DJ Hero hahaha. It was so funny!!! I'm at the point now where I'm so far along in my pregnancy that I just want to be at home most of the time, so I have to find fun things to do to keep busy. lolol. Video games can be addicting!!! (Source)

I love how all of Kendra's blogs read like straight out of a second grader's What I Did Over My Summer Vacation essay. All that's missing are the self-created crayon depictions. I can already tell that Hank Jr. is going to have some stiff competition ahead of him scoring prime real estate on the front of the refrigerator.

It's Paheeba Day, everyone! So to celebrate, here are The Best Chick Flicks of All Time. (Pajiba)

Oh my God you guys, Carmen Electra has a sex tape! Which features no actual sex. Or nudity. Or anything worth watching really. (Yeeeah!)

Adam Lambert was afraid of being on The Out 100 Cover because he didn't want to appear to gay. Despite his gay album cover, his gay music, or his gay sexual-orientation. (The Blemish)

Not only is Hugh Jackman a gorgeous slice of Man Meat, but his daughter is kind of a adorable. (Seriously? OMG!)

Paris Hilton and her Cock-Of-The-Week's fighting got so loud, police were called in to shut them up. Unfortunately, said fighting didn't involve chainsaws or blood. (Celebitchy)

Hey ladies! Any of you want to date a woman beater? Well you're in luck, because Chris Brown is available! (Celebslam)

Shirtless Guy + Adorable Dogs = BESTEST LINK EVER. (HollyWire)

What in the what? When the fuck did Mary-Kate Olsen turn into Cruella DeVil? (CelebSmack)

Who wears short-shorts? Blake Lively wears short-shorts! (usemycomputer)

Only Kate Hudson could turn Nine into a boring fucking knock-off of a perfume commercial. (popbytes)

What if celebrities were fat? Well, it wouldn't be much different, since I'd still find them irritating as fuck. (Celeb Jihad)

Nicolas Cage visited a Kenyan prison holding suspected Somali pirates earlier today, and damn when did he get so old? If I didn't know better that he's only forty-five, I wouldn't accept that this man pictured here is a day under seventy. Clearly, he was forced to relinquish his authentic vial of water from the Fountain of Youth recovered from Ponce de León's artifacts when the tax people foreclosed on his castle and collection of dinosaur skulls and meteorites. That's the only logical explanation I can think of, anyway.

Heidi and Spencer went on "The Insider" last night to talk about how Spencer wrote mean things about Al Roker on his twitter, and oh boy -- get ready to want to reach through the computer screen and strangle them like you've never wanted to strangle them before. On one hand, it was somewhat gratifying to see them ganged-up on and taken to task by four individuals with vast mental superiority, (no small feat, for a panel including the likes of Star Jones) but ultimately disappointing in that they walk away just as stupidly smug and obliviously self-righteous as ever.

It's times like this you really just have to take a deep breath and hold out hope for the day that Spencer Pratt is thrown in jail for some white collar crime like tax evasion and his dainty puckered asshole sees the business end of an inmate named "Skidmark." Over and over and over again.

Now, to balance out all that hate, pictures of my kittycat, (with his doggie friend) as promised:

Hulk Hogan and co-wrestler Ric Flair held a press conference to kick off their new tour, "HulkaMania: Let The Battle Begin tour Down Under," when things inevitably turned to fisticuffs, as is the way in their culture. If you think Hulk got it bad, just wait til you see the other guy. Oh just kidding, the other guy is fine.

In a staged fight - known as a 'work' among wrestling fans - 60-year-old Flair busted open the Hulkster, 56, with a flurry of punches after the two traded insults about their failed love lives.

It is thought former WWE world champion Hogan cut himself to start a flow of blood, which then ended up all over his face and white T-shirt. The stunt is known as 'blading'.

News outlets in Australia were unsure what to make of the incident, with many of them reporting it as a serious bust-up. (Source)

If this really was staged and Hulk Hogan really did cut himself on purpose, you have to admit that's really a ballsy move on his part. You know what they say about repairing old, worn leather -- it's damn near impossible.

Even though she is basically smack in the middle of its demographic of idiotic teenage girls, earlier this week Miley Cyrus told a radio station DJ that she wants nothing to do with that sparkly vampire bullcrap. Huh. I never thought I would actually have anything in common with Miley Cyrus and to be honest that scares me a little.

"I've never seen it and nor will I ever," Cyrus, 16, said recently during an interview with Cleveland radio station Q92.

"I don't believe in it," she says. "I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it." (Source)

So when she says she doesn't "believe" in Twilight, I wonder if she means that she doesn't believe in vampires and werewolves in the fictional sense like the Tooth Fairy or Hannah Montana -- or she doesn't believe in it like you don't believe in bigotry or evil or Miley Cyrus. But I assume Miley is probably also like me in that doesn't believe in Twilight both in the fictional Hannah Montana way and in the hateful Miley Cyrus way.

People's Sexiest Man Alive issue is about as surprising and exciting as my morning dump, so naturally Johnny Depp was throned this year. Again. Like it could be pretty much any year between 1998 and now, except that at least back in 1998 Johnny Depp looked less like a gargoyle than he does now. I guess Brad Pitt and George Clooney weren't available again this year. Or maybe they're saving them for their 2010 and 2011 issues. Seriously, if the rest of the world was as good as recycling as People magazine we'd all be driving cars made out of old Pepsi bottles by now.

Greezeball Depp at some Tim Burton thing at MoMA last night:

Tom Ford's A Single Man is like a film-length perfume commercial, only FUCKING AMAZING. (Pajiba)

Beyonce and Lady Gaga teamed up for a new video, and it is FABULOUS. And by FABULOUS, I mean "fucking boring". (Yeeeah!)

Hey, remember Anthony Michael Hall, the adorable little geek from Sixteen Candles and Weird Science? Yeah, well, he might actually be a woman beater. (The Blemish)

The good people at Mattel are rolling out Twilight Barbies, giving Twihards the opportunity to get Bella and Edward naked and bash their crotches together. (Seriously? OMG!)

Avril Lavigne might be fucking Wilmer Valderrama now, in news that would be totally relevant five years ago. (Celebitchy)

I know yesterday I reported about Sex and the City getting a third movie, but now Candace Bushnell is also releasing a prequel because OF FUCKING COURSE THEY ARE. (BricksandStones)

If these ads are any indication, Volkswagon will literally make you piss yourself. (Agent Bedhead)

Christ, considering the four inches of makeup he's got plastered on his face, you'd think Adam Lambert would have some Lipsmackers or something. (POTP)

Eliza Dushku has a buttcrack. Who knew? (Superior Gossip)

I don't care what anyone says, but I think the Crypt Keeper looks fantastic for a two hundred year old mummified corpse. Much more lifelike and animated than that Gran Torino dude, anyway.

Just yesterday after Lindsay Lohan was reported trying to scam free champagne comes news of Lindsay Lohan trying to scam free clothes. At the launch of Jermaine Dupri and Pascal Mouawad's watch line "NuPop" at Kitson last week, she had apparently been given $500 to spend at the store (in addition to her appearance fee) which she negotiated up to $1000. But apparently that wasn't enough because she tried to get away with fifteen grand worth of free shit.

Pop Tarts watched as Lohan (looking her usual worse-for-wear self) went crazy in the store pulling out drawers and insisting she wanted this and that, eventually racking up a hefty $15,000 bill. But when told she had exceeded her limit quite significantly, Lohan responded that "Pascal would take care of it because I'm the only celebrity here." (FYI not true - Dupri himself was there along with Bridget Marquardt and "Real Housewife" Gretchen Rossi)

"Pascal said no, so she went and started talking smack about him to Jermaine Dupri who doesn't even know her," said an insider. "He was totally bewildered and couldn't believe it. Eventually Pascal said she could have $2000 to spend but that was the absolutely limit."

An absolutely distraught Lohan then tried to bargain with the Kitson staffer that was helping her through the store and insist that the boutique should let her take the remaining items for free. In exchange, she offered to "come in the next day and carry bags out so the paps could take shots." (Source)

Jesus that might be the most pathetic story I've ever heard. I don't know why Lindsay Lohan needs $15,000 worth of free clothes since no matter what she's wearing she always looks like she woke up in a trash can anyway. Speaking of which, you can add Oscar the Grouch to the list of people who have had just about enough of Lindsay and her freeloading.

At the preview of designer Rebecca Minkoff's Spring 2010 line at Satine last week, where she most likely stole a bunch of shit:

Levi Johnston shot his pictorial spread for Playgirl last week, only they're being pushed up for a quickie November release after he totally pulled a Heidi Montag and withheld the goods; if you know what I mean. (I mean his Alaskan sausage.)

Contrary to earlier teases that the 19-year would leave nothing to the imagination in his Playgirl photo shoot, "He did not give 'full frontal' as his manager Tank [Jones] reported he would," Daniel Nardicio, a spokesman for Playgirl, tells New York's Daily News.

Still, said Nardicio, "We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them, but although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity." (Source)

Glimpses of what, his vagina? Personally, I know I sure as hell don't read Playgirl magazine for the goddamn articles. Well, except that time they had that fascinating exposé on fly fishing. Although ... If I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure there was dick involved even in that. By the way kids, naked fly fishing should only be attempted by trained professionals.

Heidi and Spencer were supposed to go on the "Today" show yesterday to once again square off with their "nemesis" Al Roker, but "Today" pulled out presumably when they remembered they were a respectable pseudo-news organization. This displeased Spencer, who went on to take petty jabs at Al Roker via twitter. Naturally.

@alroker WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?

@alroker you look very sick? Do you always look like your about to die? How old are you 97? You should retire asap- No one would even know?

@alroker I heard you snitched on your own kids at school! I bet your kids HATE you!! I would if my own dad came to my school and snitched me

@alroker is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!

If I were Al Roker I would have shot back something like: "Yeah, but you're the one in a feud with Al Roker. I literally am Al Roker and even I think that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. P.S. You spelled 'stomach' wrong. KTHXBYE." But I guess that's not what you call "taking the high road."

Stupid and Evil being obnoxious at the signing of their How to be Famous book in NYC yesterday:

Here are the Greatest Villains Portrayed by Comedians. You bet your ass Mo'Nique and her weird-ass apostrophe are on the list. (Pajiba)

When did Britney Spears become one of those illusions that was either a young lass or an old hag depending on how you look at it? (Yeeeah!)

In other Britney news...HOLY CRAP, have you seen her boyfriend? She's actually dating someone HOT this time! (CelebSmack)

Not only is Micheal Lohan a terrible father, he may also be into incest. Altogether now: EWWWWWWWWW. (The Blemish)

I'm already sick of the as-of-yet-released Sex and the City 2, and guess what? They're working on Sex and the City 3. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mariah Carey is calling Music Executives "idiots", which is sort of like the pot calling the kettle a dumbass. (Celebitchy)

Joanna Krupa posed nude for Playboy, which is kinda weird since the people who read Playboy probably don't watch Dancing With the Stars to begin with. (Celebslam)

Guess what time it is? IT'S CHRISTINA RICCI PICTURE TIME! (usemycomputer)

Adam Lambert's debut music video is gonna be REALLY gay. And this is coming from someone who, you know, has gay sex for money. (Allie Is Wired)

Gag. Not only does biggest-bitch-in-the-entire-world Carrie Prejean have a sex tape, she has EIGHT of them. (Celeb Jihad)

Kendra Wilkinson, who has been laying low these days while she awaits the birth of her incredibly stupid child, received a ubiquitous Snuggie as a gift from husband Hank Baskett and then blogged about it.

Hi everyone! Hank came back from the store yesterday and surprised me with the best present ever....A SNUGGIE!!!!!!!!!! I see the commercials all the time and I always want one...it's so exciting that I have my own now. I think I'm just going to live in this for the next month until lil Hank is born lolol.

I can't wait to wear my snuggie when the baby comes so we're both warm!!! haha

Quite frankly I think Kendra looks adorable in her new Snuggie. I may joke around, but when it comes down to it I kind of love her. She's just like a big dumb, sweet, good-natured golden retriever. A golden retriever with ginormous bazooms. Speaking of which, how 'bout it science? They can make a cross-between a labrador and a poodle but I'm still waiting for a large-breasted golden retriever.

Nicolas Cage, who is wallowing in self-imposed debt, lost two of his New Orleans homes to foreclosure last week. That's right, because homes in New Orleans must be like potato chips -- who can stop at just one?

Cage, 45 who filed a lawsuit blaming his financial collapse on his longtime business partner, had his two historic French Quarter homes purchased in a foreclosure auction Thursday. The houses went for $4.5 million - about two-thirds the appraised value - to Cage's lender, Regions bank, the lone bidder. Movers were seen clearing Cage's belongings on Friday. (Source)

Ahhh. If there's one thing that's even more inspiring to me than a good old fashioned "rags to riches," story it's a good old fashioned "riches to rags" story. I heard once that every time Nicolas Cage loses a house, an angel gets its wings. True story.

Brooke Hogan was at the Enclave nightclub in Chicago this weekend when she decided to drunkenly commandeer the mic and give the crowd a special "performance" onstage.

A source reports that the reality television star/singer showed up at the hotspot "in an utter state of hot drunkenness." At about two in the morning, Ms. Hogan jumped on stage and gave an impromptu performance of slurred lyrics and wobbly dance moves. (Source)

What a treat that must have been for the patrons of Enclave. I think if I were out at a club somewhere and Brooke Hogan magically appeared onstage serenading me, I'd have the same reaction as an old-timey bum and toss the bottle of hooch over my shoulder. And when I say "toss it over my shoulder" I actually mean "wing it directly at her head." I have surprisingly good aim for a drunk.

Stephanie Pratt has just won herself a thirty-day, no-expenses paid trip to rehab, thanks to her DUI arrest last month following Holly Montag's birthday party.

The Hills star, 23, pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor DUI Friday in a Los Angeles court and agreed to enroll in a 30-day residential rehab facility.

If convicted, Pratt faces up to six months in jail and a $1,000 fine. (Source)

If I were her I'd just take my chances with the jail time, everyone knows these stupid bitches never serve more than like five goddamn minutes or whatever. Then again, she is Spencer Pratt's sister. I'm pretty sure judges aren't supposed to factor in blood relations when sentencing but I'm also pretty sure judges aren't supposed to give each other high-fives in chambers after sentencing. She probably made the right call here.

Stephanie and some more "Hills"-whores at the "Assassin's Creed II" launch last week:

Lindsay Lohan had an epic meltdown recently at the Crown Bar in Los Angeles when she was expected to -- GASP!!!! -- pay her bill. And of course she didn't have any money, since her only job is showing up at places looking cracked out, which actually doesn't pay as much as you'd expect. (I hear it's even less than blogging.)

"Lindsay stormed into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend. When the bartender gave her a bill, she had a meltdown," says the source. "She was yelling at him and screaming profanities at everyone. The bar insisted she pay, so she had to call a friend with her credit-card information."

Before the actress left the club around 2:30 a.m., the onlooker says, "She was crying and wanted to go home. She kept saying 'I don't pay for drinks! This is ridiculous! I'm freaking out!'" (Source)

Lindsay probably just figured that her delightful appearance was payment enough. Or maybe the vomit she left in one of the ladies room stalls. Eh? How many Los Angeles clubs can boast authentic Lindsay Lohan vomit on the premises? Oh, right. All of them. I guess they were fair in charging her.

Lindsay looking cracked out at Jermaine Dupri's Nu Pop Movement launch last week:

This just in: Levi Johnston will be doing dirty, nasty things with a hockey stick for Playgirl! (H/T to Diesel Washington for the vid) (Allie Is Wired)

The 100 Greatest Quote from The Wire. That is all. (Pajiba)

The Daily Mirror has pictures of Daniel Radcliffe smoking pot. EVERYBODY MORAL PANIC! (Yeeeah!)

Someone tried to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford after obtaining photos of her daughter tied up in skimpy clothes. In related news, Cindy Crawford is the worst mother ever. (The Blemish)

Here's Octomom teaching Miss Teen South Carolina where babies come from (Spoilers: They come from a lack of identity and a desire to be famous!) (Seriously? OMG!)

Woody Harrelson let Stephen Colbert shave his head in support of the troops. This post is brought to you by pure, unadulterated WIN. (Celebitchy)

In news that will make you go "What in the WHAT?!" the paparazzi is apparently tied to Al Qaeda...REALLY?! (Celebslam)

Because Michael Lohan wasn't quite the worst father ever just yet, he reportedly got paid to leak his private conversations with Lindsey. (HollyWire)

Because I fucking love her, here's Chelsea Handler taking the piss out of Katie Price, who's actually too stupid to even realize it. (CelebSmack)

Molly Sims is pretty so...I dunno, look at her I guess. (usemycomputer)

Leighton Meester shows off her barely-covered cootch, which is not something you see every day! Unless of course you Google "Leighton Meester's vagina". (Celeb Jihad)

Ashlee Simpson dyed her hair black again, presumably in mourning after getting fired from "Melrose Place." Or maybe she's just in mourning that she's back to being the even bigger joke of a Simpson sister again. Or it could be that she's in mourning because daddy never loved her as much as Jessica, which is why she got married to a gay midget as a young age and had a baby with him that he named something stupid. Damn, Ashlee Simpson's life is depressing me. I'm gonna go cash my unemployment check, pick up some Thunderbird and hit up that sale on Ramen noodles now to cheer myself up.

During a recent "Every thing is great, look how happy we are" staged photo shopping trip:

Nick Hogan gave an interview to Life & Style magazine about how hard his eight month stint in prison was, from his 2007 drunken drag racing spree that left his passenger John Graziano in a vegetative state.

He said: "There are moments that haunt me to this day. "There are times when I'll be watching a prison movie and hear the sound of a gate slamming, and I get the willies. It was horrible."

"Time away from my family was the most difficult part of my sentence. One of the things which makes you feel comforted is talking to a family member. But you don't have a phone - you have to wait until it's your time of the day to call. "You miss being able to connect with people because everyone there is just cold, just brutal." (Source)

In related news, John Graziano was just released from the hospital after two years, although he'll still need assisted care 24 hours a day. I guess you could say he's the lucky one, since he has the overall consciousness of a houseplant and can't remember stuff like not being able to use the phone. Except that he'll never be able to use a phone again since he lost the part of his brain that lets him use a phone in the accident -- but do you hear him complaining? Oh right, he lost the part of his brain that lets him complain, too. Let's just feel sorry for Nick Hogan and his harrowing prison experience some more.

Fat Asian Spencer Pratt's bodyguard (why does this asshole needs a bodyguard again?)Thomas Meinelt is being subpoenaed in TLC's lawsuit against him, and apparently this guy knows things. Bad things. Bad, baaaaaad things. *Rocks back and forth in a fetal position*

"Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape!" said Stephanie Santoro, Jon's former flame and family nanny.

"Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. "He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!" (Source)

The fact that a Jon Gosselin sex tape exists, somewhere, is more terrifying to me than terrorists, the swine flu, and the fact that eventually the sun will eventually supernova, expand and swallow our plant whole. Then again, the whole sun swallowing us up thing wouldn't be so bad if the Jon Gosselin sex tape was destroyed along with the Earth. Hmm ... I wonder if there's any way of speeding that process up. Let's get on it, science.

In news that I could honestly give a flying fart about but it's a slow news day so I'll takes what I can get: Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has confirmed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are, indeed, a couple.

"In terms of what Kristen told me directly, it didn't happen on the first movie. Nothing crossed the line while on the first film. I think it took a long time for Kristen to realize, O.K., I've got to give this a go and really try to be with this person."

Hardwicke noticed the chemistry between Pattinson, 23, and Stewart, now 19, right away and discouraged him from carrying it from the screen to the set. "After I cast him, I told Rob, Don't even think about having a romance with her," she said. "She's under 18. You will be arrested." (Source)

Huh, wow. And just like that, it is literally that easy to tell a 20-year-old guy not to bang a teenage girl. Billy Ray Cyrus could really learn a thing or two from this Twilight lady.

Mr. and Mrs. Sparkles in Madrid yesterday:

Here are The Ten Most Boneheaded Hollywood Projects Currently In Development. You might want to steer clear of any sharp objects or high ledges after reading this. (Pajiba)

As if you needed further proof that Carrie Prejean is the biggest fucking bitch in the entire world, she stormed off Larry King Live when he had the gall (THE GALL!) to ask her about her settlement with Miss California. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo DiCaprio are apparently fucking, thus becoming the most irrelevant couple in history. (The Blemish)

Because obviously Taylor Swift doesn't have quite enough people shitting on her, here comes Wynonna Judd! (Seriously? OMG!)

Meryl Streep spoke to a nine year old reporter on the red carpet for The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and showed us why the woman is a fucking gift from Godtopus. (Celebitchy)

Oh please oh please oh PLEASE let this be true! Fuck the Twihards, I can't take another fucking vampire movie! (Celeb Jihad)

Lauren Conrad and Lo Bosworth, having not yet died from some sort of stupidity-related incident, went out to dinner yesterday. (BricksandStones)

To be honest with you, I have no idea if Lady Gaga is actually 23. I always assumed she was some sort of ageless, Lovecraftian horror, albeit one with irresistibly catchy songs.(Agent Bedhead)

It's official: MTV has become self-aware. Check out their new show, Jersey Shore, featuring the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" (Their words!) (POTP)

Lindsay Lohan + Heath Ledger = Hell Fucking No. (Superior Gossip)

I sometimes wonder if the gay media has some sort of alarm that goes off whenever Michael Lucas says or does anything. Christ, the way people react to him you'd think he was either Ghandi reborn or a baby-eating hellbeast, rather than some guy who liked to videotape guys fucking. But lo, he said some shit about something that didn't concern him and people shart themselves over political commentary from the guy who directed Farts! (Actual Title.)

Thirteen of our country's soldiers were killed by their "comrade." Sons, a daughter, and a mother-to-be had their lives cut short by one of their "own." Now let's please put aside cowardly taboos and call out what has actually occurred. He is a Muslim and he did what Muslims do. Meanwhile, we are doing what we always do when they kill: finding excuses for their actions.

...It is simple-Muslims should not be allowed to serve in the military. You can not rightly be in the U.S. military and also believe in the Koran. (Source)

While I have to disagree, let's face it: He's a porn director, not some CNN talking mouthpiece. It's just his opinion. Yes, fact of the matter is religious people are for the most part as level-headed as anyone else, but like any group, it's the crazy, stupid, ignorant mother-fuckers who get the attention and ruin it for the rest of them. Now can we all go back to our regularly scheduled shit instead of getting hung-up on what the Kanye West of Gay Porn has to say?

Miley Cyrus was playing a concert in Louisville recently when she performed her song "7 Things," which was written about Nick Jonas after they broke up, and changed the lyrics "You're vain you're game you're insecure" to "You're vain you're GAY you're insecure." Now, I don't know for sure that she definitely said "gay." I listed to it like four times and it kind sounds like she did but I'm not sure, so I have to give the benefit of the doubt. The benefit of the doubt that she made a gay slur anyway, since the girl is an atomic fuck-up machine. She's like Larry David if Larry David were a 16-year-old girl with a penchant for stripper poles and underwear models.

Here she is at a Halloween concert dressed as an Indian complete with war paint and everything: (Editor's note: JESUS CHRIST)

Remember back in June when Heidi and Spencer went on the "Today" show to promote "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here" and Al Roker gave them the all what for and then they acted like indignant like shitfaces about it? Well, they're going back for more.

A rep for NBC tells Usmagazine.com that Spencer and Heidi Pratt "are coming back to the Today show" Monday, Nov. 16. And they won't be fielding questions from Meredith Vieira or Matt Lauer -- the pair will meet again with their arch-nemesis, weatherman Roker. (Source)

I love it that Al Roker is actually someone's "arch nemesis." Who'da thunk. That's like my three month-old kitten's arch nemesis being the cord that hangs down from the kitchen blinds. Of course, this analogy would only really work if my kitten represented all that was evil and stupid in the world. Either way, he'll best you someday, piece of string with plastic thing on the end!

Evil and Stupid being obnoxious in Hollywood last month:

Poor Britney...Honestly, I think the girl's Twitter page gets hacked more often than I eat a hot meal, but this one took the fucking cake. Satanic tweets started showing up on Brit-Brit's Twitter, inciting various @replies of "WTF???", "LOL" and "GIRL U GOIN 2 HEL GIVE URSELF 2 GOD". I love how everyone on Twitter seems to mistake 'Capital Letters' for 'Intelligence'. It would certainly explain a lot, like how Ashton Kutcher has almost 4 million followers, despite having the IQ of a lobotomized goldfish.

Taylor Swift won big at the Country Music Awards last night, pulling in the coveted (or I guess it's coveted, because what the crap do I know about the CMAs) "Entertainer of the Year" award and Carrie Underwood the giant bitch apparently wasn't happy about it. When co-host Brad Paisley tried to congratulate Taylor at the end of the show, Carrie -- who had also lost out to Taylor for Female Vocalist of the Year -- cut him off saying, "And how awesome were we? We were awesome!"

Whatever. It's my job to shit on celebrities and I've never had a bad word to say about this kid. I guess Carrie Underwood was just jealous that she didn't get any awards last night. Maybe she should have double checked to make sure there weren't any crammed up her ass. I hear they can get stuck there like that.

The adorable, indefatigable Taylor Swift and her multitude of awards last night:

Our very own Stacey reviewed The Room, which is like watching a porn wrapped in a soap opera minus the fucking. (Pajiba)

Hilary Duff made out with a girl last night on Gossip Girl, and surprise! No one really gave a shit. (Yeeeah!)

Jon Gosselin tried to be funny by releasing a self-deprecating video of Funny or Die, which would have worked if he wasn't a gigantic waste of a human being. (The Blemish)

What? Kathy Griffin was on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Consider my life flipped, turned upside down! (Seriously? OMG!)

Now they're holding televised seances for Michael Jackson? Okay, stop. It used to be funny, now it's just sad. Stop doing this please. (Celebitchy)

The bad news: Spencer Pratt has a shiny new car. The good news: It doesn't have airbags, so he might die! Yay! (Celebslam)

Shanna Moakler offered a backhanded apology for calling Khloe Kardashian a donkey, which is weird, because people don't usually apologize for telling the truth. (HollyWire)

There's a reason Robert Pattinson looks like dirty, sexy hunk: Because he in fact IS a dirty, sexy hunk. Kinda gross, actually. (CelebSmack)

Meh...Something something something Mandy Moore. Ah whatever, everyone loves Mandy Moore. (usemycomputer)

Brandon Davis, the picture of masculine style and grace, might be fucking Avril Lavgine, the female picture of style and grace. (popbytes)

Come for the pics of Emma Watson in Russian Elle, stay for the religious flamewar in the comment section. (Celeb Jihad)

Pop Quiz everyone! You're supposed to perform on a TV show in the UK tonight in front of a crowd for more money than most people will see in their entire lives. Do you:
(A) Show up, give a good performance, and go on with your life, or
(B) Stay home banging the sleazy, greased-up flesh-bot (No relation to Fleshbot. Love you guys!) you call a boyfriend?

Katy Perry pulled out of a TV show to have sex with Russell Brand.

The 'I Kissed A Girl' singer was due to appear on 'Chris Moyles' Quiz Night', but Russell rang the presenter to inform him the American beauty would no longer be a guest on the show.

A source said: "Chris got a call from Russell late at night before telling him Katy wouldn't be appearing as they wanted to spend the evening together. (Source)

So if you didn't answer B, congratulations on not being Katy Perry! You may now go back to your life of not dressing up like a 12 year old child prostitute, fucking greasy cumstains or being a terrible singer. Good for you!

Here's Katy And Russell at Paris Fashion Week, thankfully not fucking:

I always thought Tracy Morgan was fucking hysterical on 30 Rock because I figured that no one in their right mind could be that obnoxious in real life, right? Well, not so much. During a show at Carnegie Hall, everyone pretty much got up and left when they realized the dude was certifiably crazy cakes.

"People seemed to not be laughing at his jokes, but more because they were shocked and appalled with what was coming out of his mouth," reports one audience member. Morgan talked trash about homosexuality (saying it's "a choice," which drew gasps), drugs, pornography and what he calls "politricks" -- far edgier subjects than what his alter ego, Jordan, gets air time for.

"Obama is really changing the White House, because he and Michelle will have the first presidential sex tape out," he said to a stunned crowd. (Source)

Holly Madison gave an interview to Fox News' Pop Tarts and said that she doesn't watch the new episodes of "The Girls Next Door" featuring the Hef's new girlfriends Crystal Harris and twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon.

"The girls need to focus on what makes them unique and not doing the same things Bridget, Kendra and I have already done on the show. Even camping in the backyard was an idea I had for an episode that we never got around to shooting. And guess what they just showed? The girls camping in the backyard. I don't want to look behind, I want to look forward." (Source)

Oh no! They stole her brilliant idea of camping out in the backyard? Well she's gonna be even more pissed when she finds out "Jon and Kate" is also doing a backyard camping episode. Not the kids of course -- Jon Gosselin is literally going to be living in the backyard. Stay tuned! "TLC: From Rags to Riches to Literally Drinking out of the Family Birdbath."

Hef and the Whorelets at the Fox Reality Channel Awards last month:

Those two Twilight dumbasses were caught -- gasp!! -- holding hands at an airport in France last night, ending months of speculation that they're secretly banging each other. Although I guess I can kind of understand the secrecy thing, since now that they've been exposed Kristen Stewart essentially has a hit out on her by like, a milliondey angry preteen girls. The temptation just proved too great, eh Kirsten? She's like that idiot who stole the Tyrannosaurus Rex eggs in Jurassic Park. Or was that Jurassic Park 2? Either way, I'd rather go head-to-head with a pissed off dinosaur than a mob of 13-year-old girls in heat.  

At the New Moon photocall in Paris yesterday:

Robert Downey Jr. is on the cover of Esquire, and you can totally see his junk through his pants. I'll be in my bunk. (Celebitchy)

And speaking of visible testes...because every fucking gay porn star and their dog is talking about it, here's the new Lady Gaga video for Bad Romance. Rah-Rah-Roma-Mah...FUCK. (POTP)

One of the chicks from Twilight got naked for PETA, which really confuses me; The more men abuse animals, the more naked women there are. Wouldn't that teach them to abuse more animals? Discuss. (Pajiba)

Maybe it's just professional criticism here, but Jennifer Love Hewitt is a fucking TERRIBLE stripper. (Yeeeah!)

Carrie Prejean, who still doesn't quite understand things like 'Freedom of Speech' or 'Common Sense', believes there's a conspiracy out to get her. Break out the tinfoil hats in 3, 2, 1... (The Blemish)

Mel Gibson and his stupid Kentucky Fried Moustache got rejected from playing James Bond in a movie. Everyone point and laugh! BAHAHAHAHA! (Seriously? OMG!)

Remember how Nicolas Cage was basically fucking broke? Well, that might be because he paid $267,000 for a fucking Dinosaur Skull. (BricksandStones)

Gosh, if I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that Sienna Miller finally figured out that she's a total bitch and everyone hates her. (Agent Bedhead)

One of the fringe benefits of Safe Sex: Keeping stupid people from procreating. I'm looking at you Chris Brown. (Superior Gossip)

Nick Jonas and Joe Jonas were doing a television interview in Zurich when the guy interviewing them had the nerve to ask the Goodtime Gang about their whole celibacy thing. (2:00 mark) Joe Jonas was NOT having it. Twice he repeats that they "just want to talk about the music" while he shoots atomic bitch rays in the general direction of the interviewer. I bet he hasn't been that angry since the time Nick accidentally taped over "Project Runway." It's like, chill out Joe Jonas. It's not like the guy was accusing you of specifically having sex with girls or anything.

Rihanna accepted a Glamour "Woman of the Year" award last night along with Maya Angelou, Lisa Ling and Euna Lee, Serena Williams, and philanthropic pediatrician Jane Aronson. Yeah, I mean, I guess the accomplishments of those other ladies are as impressive, too.

Model Iman, who presented Rihanna's award, referred to the singer's ordeal early this year, when she was assaulted by boyfriend and fellow singer Chris Brown. Rihanna initially returned to Brown but said last week that she regrets it, because it sent the wrong message to her fans. Brown has pleaded guilty to felony assault.

"Now I am even more impressed with her dignity and courage," Iman said, noting that Rihanna would serve as a role model to victims of domestic violence. (Source)

Ah yes, Rihanna is quite the inspiration to us all. Not only did she finally leave her abusive boyfriend after the police evidence photo of her injuries were leaked to the media and she basically had no other choice, (even though she did originally take him back) but she got those empowering gun tattoos and finally opened up about her ordeal to help promote her new album other young women in her situation. And now, thanks to getting the shit kicked out of her by her boyfriend, Rihanna is getting an award and is more famous than ever. I hope all you young girls out there are taking notes.

At the launch of her new "Malibu" perfume last week, (which ostensibly smells like the wet sand in the crotch of a damp swimsuit) Pam Anderson demanded to be shot only with a special camera that minimizes shadows and imperfections.

[Her] manager, Peter Asher, demanded that photographers shoot her only with a "ring flash," which eliminates shadows and imperfections. Asher got in a heated argument with top Miami celebrity lensman Seth Browarnik, who argued that the flash requires a large battery pack and slows the job.

Asher then banned him and all others without a ring flash from Saturday's Make-A-Wish Ball. A source said several photographers boycotted the charity event. (Source)

These are the photos from the perfume launch, and I do admit she looks younger and more exuberant than usual, but whatever. Like we all don't know damn well she looks like the old crone from Drag Me to Hell without her fancy lighting. In the olden days, the parts of her that aren't flame retardant would have been burned at the stake for this kind of witchcraftery.

On Sunday night the season three finale of "Mad Men" went head-to-head with the season premiere and Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend special Wedding Fakestravaganza episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians -- and guess who won by a million? Spoiler alert: good taste didn't.

Among adults 18-49, "Mad" drew just over 1.1 million viewers, a whopping 56 percent increase over the season two finale. AMC also wants you to know that "Mad Men" remains the most upscale series on basic cable, with fully half of its adults 25-54 audience pulling down more than $100,000 per year.

A two-hour wedding episode, airing from 8-10 p.m., drew nearly 3.2 million viewers-- the most in "Keeping Up" history. It also scored a massive 3.92 rating among women 18-34, becoming the most-watched E! broadcast ever in that demo. (Source)

So I guess all that's really saying is that "Mad Men," one of the best written scripted series on television, is more popular with the intelligent and wealthy; while "Kardashians," one of the worst scripted series on television, is the more popular among young women. If Don Draper would have to draw a conclusion from this, it's that he'd definitely know which programming would be better suited to the big "Kotex" account.

Note: Header image of Steven Cojocaru -- not Khloe Kardashian -- because Cojo is way prettier.

A Christmas Carol: Guaranteed to scare the sweet ever-loving crap out of your children this Holiday Season! (Pajiba)

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I love Taylor Swift (She's so sparkly!) which is kinda why I loved her SNL monologue as much as I did. (Yeeeah!)

Joe Jackson, not quite content with being a terrible celebrity father, has decided to become THE terrible celebrity father. (The Blemish)

I still say Family Guy has gone down hill since it came back on the air, but I still think this was pretty funny. (Seriously? OMG!)

James Gandolfini hit a paparazzi who had the fucking GALL to take pictures of him from a reasonable distance while he was out in public. The nerve of those paparazzi! (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton is so stupid ("How stupid is she?") that she doesn't even know that Chelsea Handler is mocking her dumb, vacant ass. (Celebslam)

Kathy Griffin think Gays and girls are going to be pleased with Levi Johnston's Playgirl pics...Oh, who are we kidding, it's just the gays at this point. (HollyWire)

A propos of absolutely fuck all: Jon Hamm! Sexy! Yay! (CelebSmack)

And just to even things out: Joanna Krupa! Sexy! Yay! There, we all happy now? (usemycomputer)

Steven Tyler reportedly quit Aerosmith, which I'm sure must come as a shock to those of you who actually knew Aerosmith were still together. (Allie Is Wired)

Today's Celebrity Nip Slip comes from Eva Mendes. (Celeb Jihad)

Lady Gaga made a rare appearance on a German talk show with absolutely nothing obstructing her face unless you count twenty pounds of makeup and a pair of false eyelashes. I guess this is why the Phantom of the Opera never took off his mask and only came out at night and eventually killed himself. Indeed, we could all stand to learn a lesson from classic theater.

Paris Hilton is threatening legal action after an advertising agency had the nerve to use her image on their billboards selling advertising space with the word "VACANT" superimposed over her face. Well, she can't sue for false advertising anyway.

Adam McGregor from Media5 told the Sunday Star-Times the company, which had grown from having 35 to 70 advertising sites in Wellington and Auckland, was not using Hilton to endorse their billboards. They were "just having a bit of fun".

We assume that the agency has taken care of the rights to the image of Paris, but we will ask the question," McGregor said. (Source)

Oh sure, they were just having "fun." Well let me tell you, it's all fun and games until Paris Hilton gets called basically the nicest thing anyone has ever said about her and threatens to sue. They may as well just have gone with their original concept: "Our advertising space is cheaper than THIS WHORE."

Paris showing how un-vacant she is, shopping and texting and more shopping:

Just weeks after getting fired from the CW's "Melrose Place" Ashlee Simpson has already landed herself another gig, in a Broadway production of "Chicago." OK, this seems like a downright terrible idea, but go on.

Simpson, whose character recently wrapped on the TV show "Melrose Place," starred in "Chicago" in 2006 in London's West End, where she received good notices. According to an inside source, Simpson will begin her Broadway run in December and perform for six weeks.

That same insider tells Gossip Cop that Fran and Barry Weissler, the show's producers, were really pleased with Simpson's performance in London, and had wanted her for some time to reprise the role. (Source)

I have no idea how Ashlee Simpson managed the feat of musical theater in London when her live performances in America have traditionally ended with the wrong lip-sync track being played and her dancing a jig. But sure, why not. Ashlee got fired from a mediocre night-time soap for not being able to act and then gets signed on to perform for the most prestigious theatrical institution in our country. That's like getting fired from a Fortune 500 company as a janitor and then getting re-hired at another as Vice President.

After Britney Spears drew ire from the New South Wales Minister for Fair Trading last week over allegations that she lip-syncs at her concerts, hundreds of angry fans stormed out of her concert in Perth on Friday complaining of lip-syncing and an overall lackluster performance. John Mayer, also in Australia to promote his new album, tweeted about the controversy.

"If you're shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you." (Source)

All I can say is that's pretty bad when John Mayer is the voice of reason in any given situation. I mean, really Australia? Thanks a goddamn lot for making me side with John Mayer about anything. You people also probably demanded your money back when you found out the Wizard of Oz wasn't really a wizard at all but a tiny man behind a curtain.

Britney probably still not wearing a bra but thankfully covered up in Perth this weekend:

Men Who Stare At Goats is as listless and boring as actually staring at goats for two hours. Oh the irony... (Pajiba)

Why are Katy Perry and Russell Brand dating again? Oh, wait, yeah, it's because they're both totally gross and annoying. Well now that makes perfect sense! (Yeeeah!)

Sarah Jessica Parker says she loves the smell of dirty diapers. Talk about not looking a gift horse in the mouth. *High-Fives Self* (The Blemish)

Remember when William Shatner read Levi Johnston's tweets on The Tonight Show? Well, as it turns out, those were actually totally fake. Whoops. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Love Hewitt believes there are ghosts living in her house, which has absolutely nothing to do with her show, The Ghost Whisperer, airing every Friday night on CBS. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, Spencer Pratt's younger whore sister is going into rehab, which I'm sure will be filmed for the next season of The Hills. (Celebslam)

What's better than a crappy remake of Yogi Bear? How about a crappy remake of Yogi Bear starring Justin Timberlake as Boo Boo? (HollyWire)

No offense, but am I the only one who thinks that Josh Duhamel has terrible taste in strippers? Yikes. (CelebSmack)

Say what you will about Dollhouse, but you gotta admit, Eliza Dushku is certainly very pretty. (usemycomputer)

Apparently, there are some people in Egypt who aren't too thrilled about Beyonce. (Celeb Jihad)

Does anybody else have zero interest in hearing about Jennifer Lopez's sex life? That's what I thought. (Allie Is Wired)

I'm posting this yearbook picture of Jon Hamm (Big ol' Hat-Tip to ONTD) for the sole purpose of proving that Jon Hamm has always been, and always will be, a Grade-A slice of man meat. I mean my God, look at that! He probably came out of the womb with a full head of hair, a chin dimple and abs. And to think, I went through my teenage years in loose-fitting hand-me-downs and a haircut that made me look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

It also gives me the opportunity of posting these current pics of Jon Hamm. Yay!:

Here's something horribly depressing to think about: A pair of Jimmy Choo shoes will run you over $350 US, which is pretty much more than most people throughout the world will make in a month. Not only does Paris Hilton get them for free, but she even gets paid more than that to go out to their parties, despite the fact that you could fit her resume on the inside of a Snapple cap. I'm not saying that someone should go out and kill Paris Hilton, I'm just saying that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if someone were to "accidentally" feed her feet-first through a wood chipper.

Here she is at the Jimmy Choo for H&M Collection:

Fat Asian Spencer Pratt has apparently decided to take up yoga, presumably to make himself a better father to his eight kids who he never sees. And obviously, it's very important to the spiritual journey of a struggling father to have his picture taken doing yoga by hired paparazzi in Los Angeles. I have no doubt that when little Maddy and Cara and the other six whats-their-faces see these photos on the cover of a tabloid, their tiny hearts will swell three sizes.

Word on the street is that K-Fed's magical sperm may have in fact impregnated yet another woman, current girlfriend Victoria Prince. That brings the tally to five if you're keeping count -- only four more and he'll have himself a baseball team.

A source tells the National Enquirer, "The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn't seem happy to hear the news." While another source tells Star magazine, "Victoria's been ill off and on, so everyone suspects that she's expecting.

Under no circumstances does he want another kid now. He's not even acknowledging the possibility. He's awful when it comes to birth control. Kevin thinks it's the woman's responsibility." (Source)

Not that I agree about birth control solely being the woman's responsibility, but come on. If I were going to have sex with Kevin Federline, (which I wouldn't, because gross) I'd sneak into a dentist's office and point the X-Ray machine at my uterus for an hour beforehand and spray my down theres with Raid®. And even then I'd probably just make him wack it into a sock behind reinforced steel doors. There's no such thing as "too safe" when practicing safe sex with Kevin Federline.

At a recent trip to Target with his now third baby momma:

Britney Spears has hit a potential snag in her month-long Australian tour after the South Wales Minister for Fair Trading, Virginia Judge, voiced concerns that fans may be misled to the nature of the "live" performance. I mean, it's live in that Britney will physically be there -- what, you actually want her to sing too?

"It is Britney's 'prerogative' to lip-sync, and it is my job to make sure consumers know what they are paying for up front," Judge said in a statement released by the government.

"Personally I would rather see a live set from a local artist," Judge said, "but I am sure Britney's fans will be treated to a spectacular show." (Source)

Meow. I hope this lady is able to come to a sound and conclusive judgment about the validity of Britney Spears' performance when she's also filling in for the South Wales Minister for Passive Aggressiveness. It must be hard to juggle all those responsibilities.

Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie combine to give you the hottest/creepiest pairing in Cinema. (Pajiba)

Kim Kardashian got punched in her big, stupid, fame-whoring face for charity and now she has a black eye. HA! (Yeeeah!)

And in other Kardashian news, Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend's diet is about as real as her sham of a marriage. (The Blemish)

Jimmy Kimmel got all dressed up in a body suit for the Olympics, and oh would you look at that, my eyes are bleeding. (Seriously? OMG!)

In a sign that there is, in fact, a loving God, Emma Thompson has removed her name from Roman Polanski's "Raping Kids is A-Okay!" Petition. (Celebitchy)

No one is buying tickets to Chris Brown concerts anymore, I'm assuming because they've figured out that he's a total douche and his music fucking sucks. (Celeb Jihad)

Because I have a huge Whedon-Boner for all things Buffy, I'm pretty much mandated to post this blurb out Sarah Michelle Gellar's Baby. (BricksandStones)

Now that Agent Bedhead has seen the error of her ways about her hots for the Gay Prairie Dog, let's all enjoy the homoerotism of a shirtless Robert Downey Jr. (Agent Bedhead)

As much as I fucking DESPISE The Twilight Series, I fucking love Kristen Stewart and her reaction to people hounding her about her relationship. (POTP)

Anyone else remember Jewel? Well, here she is in a bikini. Your welcome? (Superior Gossip)

Mariah Carey was shooting a music video or something in this horrible swimsuit that looks like it was crudely fashioned out of a Hefty bag. Now, I'm not gonna give Mariah shit for gaining weight because she got married last year and everyone knows you gain new relationship weight when you're all happy and lovely-dovey and shit. Plus, you know, Nick Cannon probably doesn't mind since it's a scientific fact that black dudes like girls with a little extra meat on their bones.

But come on, she looks like King Kong Bundy in that thing. There's "unflattering," and then there's taking the word flattering and shooting it in the face with an ugly shotgun.

Britney Spears was photographed in Perth earlier today where she's starting a month long Australian tour, wayward nipples making her look like some sort of human divining rod. Jesus. Is there no force on this Earth than can make this woman wear a bra? I thought universal healthcare was an unrealistic goal, but we'll all be getting free heart transplants just for the hell of it before Britney Spears' breasts are supported.

The Daily Beast has an extensive piece up on Nicolas Cage's financial ruin and how although he's pointing fingers and blaming his financial advisers for the fact that he's a broke-ass bitch, it's really all his fault due to his compulsive spending habits. Hey, a European castle isn't gonna buy itself you know.

Cage's appetite was extreme even for Hollywood, with a decade-plus shopping spree that saw him snapping up houses, motorcycles, a jet, yachts, vintage and new cars, expensive watches, meteorites, dinosaur skulls, an enormous pet collection, massive amounts of jewelry for the women in his life, group vacations for his entire entourage, and on and on and on. "He lived like a sheik," says one person who's known him for several years. "Spent money like it was water," says another. (Source)

I always thought Nicolas Cage displayed the same sense of judgment in choosing movie roles as my dog does when deciding what to eat out of the trashcan. Sure, it might be half of an uneaten sandwich (Adaptation) or it might be the plastic wrap that the sandwich came in. (Wicker Man, National Treasure 1 & 2, Ghost Rider, et al.) But I guess when you figure that Ghost Rider 2 is probably just like, a down payment on an actual recovered alien spacecraft -- it doesn't seem so stupid now, does it? When the plot of one of his dumb apocalyptic movies comes to life, we're not gonna be the ones laughing from the safety of extraterrestrial technology.
 

Michael Lohan has released a tape recording of a private conversation between him and his daughter Lindsay Lohan in which she's upset and sobbing uncontrollably. Hmm .... Father of the year or father of the century?

Lindsay's father has been publicly saying that she needs help and is in a fragile state. He released this tape in an attempt to prove his point and to disprove those around Lindsay who are saying she's fine.

"Mommy says that I'm worse than you were," Lindsay can be heard crying to her dad. "And she's defending...She doesn't back me...she doesn't stand by me."

Lindsay continues, "No one cares about me. They don't, by the way. It's about how they feel, not how I feel. It's not about me. It's never been about me, unless I fight for it." (Source)

Well, congratulations to Michael Lohan, clearly he has succeeded in proving his point. Oh wait, you mean his point wasn't to prove that he's a creepy asshole who not only releases private conversations between him and his daughter, but a creepy asshole who had the wherewithal to record them in the first place? Point prove fail.

Lindsay looking cracked-out at a Richard Branson party last week: (Probably because of her horrible upbringing with her skeevy father led to her rampant substance abuse)

So apparently, you straights took away our right to marry AGAIN, so if you were one of those people who voted Yes on 1, maybe these movies might put some sense in your thick-ass head. (Pajiba)

Chris Martin might be cheating on Gwyneth with Kate Bosworth. In an unrelated story, the next GOOP will include a list of the best knives to cut off your lying husband's penis. (Yeeeah!)

No offense, but I really don't want to imagine what kind of kink Nicole Kidman might be into, since I'm sure it involves Botox. (The Blemish)

I don't care how many Auto Shows you do, Jason Biggs, you'll still always be the guy who fucked a pie. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh look, Carrie Prejean (AKA Little Miss Holier-Than-Thou) might have a sextape. Suck on that, you self-righteous bitch. (Celebitchy)

As it turns out, Ashlee Simpson got booted off Melrose Place because she was a total asshole and everyone hated her. Shocking, I know. (Celebslam)

The cover for Chris Brown's upcoming album is about as classy, sophisticated and understated as he is. (HollyWire)

It's a good thing Russell Brand is amazing in bed, because he looks like he hasn't bathed in weeks. (CelebSmack)

Kate Beckinsale and Drew Barrymore do their best to look shiny and what not. (usemycomputer)

The best part about this Mormon Pinup Calendar? They tried this out a male-version a while ago and it caused a big ol' shitstorm in the church. Yay for sexism! (popbytes)

It's official: Lady Gaga's vagina spiders will destroy us all. (Celeb Jihad)

Dr. Arnold Klein, Michael Jackson's former dermatologist and the heavily suspected father of one or more of his children, has come forward with new information which could shed a light onto the molestation allegations which plagued the singer. You see, it turns out Michael Jackson just liked to pee in front of people.

Dr. Klein insists prosecutors would have failed to bring charges against Jackson if the case had gone to trial because their whole case was based on the fact that the plaintiff could describe the discoloration of the pop star's testicles and penis.

The doctor tells TMZ.com that Michael liked to pee for an audience - and many people could describe the singer's genitals. (Source)

So Michael Jackson didn't like to fondle children, he just had a fetish about making a big spectacle of himself urinating in front of them. That is quite the misunderstanding! I don't know why he didn't just go to the media and set the story straight. Boy, the red-faced laugh we all would have had!

Choreographer Chris Judd, known for such splashy tabloid marriages as the one he had with Jennifer Lopez from 2001-2002, is getting re-married.

"I am engaged!" he tells Us. "I am extremely overjoyed, and I couldn't be happier."

After a year of dating, Judd, 40, tells Us he popped the question to Kelly A. Wolfe about a month ago. (Source)

I don't know who this Kelly person is since she's clearly not a celebrity and therefore of no interest to me, but I hope she knows she's got some mighty big pantaloons to fill. Oh come on, this is pretty much the most boring story ever, and it's my natural instinct to make a bad joke about the size of Jennifer Lopez's ass. Just be glad it wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker we're talking about here.

Jennifer Lopez at the This Is It premiere:

...Which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, since she dresses like someone shot her out of a cannon into my grandmother's closet, but I digress. At the ACE Awards on Monday, Gaga was awarded a Stylemaker award and used her speech to promote Safe Sex, which I highly approve of and recommend to everyone. Unfortunately, she kind of blew all credibility with this golden nugget:

She explained: "Writing a record is like dating a few men at once. You take them to the same restaurants to see if they measure up, and at some point you decide who you like best.

"When you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time." (Source)

I'm not sure if that's stupid, irresponsible, nonsensical, or all three. While I can respect Lady Gaga for initially promoting the use of protection, her views on songwriting border on "Ridiculously Fucking Dumb". I'm honestly starting to think she's like a real-life version of Charlize Theron's character on Arrested Development; You're not quirky, you're just an idiot. And for God's sake, would everyone PLEASE just wear a fucking condom already?

Brad Pitt landed down in Tokyo yesterday for the Japan premiere of Inglorious Basterds with a new set of braids and beads in that ugly Schnauzer beard he's been sporting lately. Okay. Does he also have the full body lice to accompany that look? I think I can honestly say this might be the first time I've ever felt physically repulsed by Brad Pitt. The guy gets to have sex with one of the most beautiful women on the planet, and what does he do? Puts braids in his beard. I get that he's comfortable and she's not going anywhere with six kids tying her down, but be reasonable, man. What's wrong with just growing a beer gut or starting to leave the toilet seat up?

Now that enough time has passed, Rihanna and her ridiculous hair are making the publicity rounds to open up about how Chris Brown attacked her last February, even giving a weepy interview to Diane Sawyer later this week. Because, of course she fucking is. Glamour also got in on a piece of the action:

The 21-year-old pop star told Glamour magazine in an interview posted online Tuesday that the police photo of her bruised face that was leaked to reporters added insult to injury. After the assault, she awoke to find helicopters circling her house and reporters swarming her street. "I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears," she said.

Rihanna said she didn't realize how much her decisions affected people she didn't know, like her many fans. She feels stronger, wiser and more aware now, she added. (Source)

You know who probably feels really good about that statement? Britney Spears. Yeah, I know what she was getting at, but still. Sure, Britney may have married a gold-digging loser, dated a skeevy paparazzi, lost her kids and went crazycakes for awhile -- but she sure as hell didn't let no man put his hands on her. Not that any man would be dumb enough to try, mind you. That's why God invented hornet's nests and sticks.

Oh fuck me...Heidi and Spencer are getting their own book? Seriously, can they please just stop existing already? (BricksandStones)

I am COMPLETELY in love with the trailer for Tucker and Dale Versus Evil. I want to have it's little gay trailer babies. (Pajiba)

Kim Kardashian dressed up as a slutty Snow White for Halloween, which is fitting because much like Disney World, you have to wait in line forever to get inside her. What now, Suckah? (Yeeeah!)

Tyra Banks learned a very important lesson about taking a poo every now and again to stay healthy. (The Blemish)

Oh joy, Kirstie Alley is getting ANOTHER show where she can make fun of herself for being fucking irrelevant. Hooray? (Seriously? OMG!)

Now that everyone hates him and thinks he's a total fuckwad for single-handedly ruining television, Jay Leno says he would go back to the Tonight Show. (Celebitchy)

Because the Charles Darwin biopic isn't pissing of creationists quite enough, the poster features him giving his wife some surprise buttsex. (Agent Bedhead)

I absolutely fucking LOVE Kathy Griffin to ittie-bittie pieces and all, but do we really need another dance show? Dead horse, meet stick. Stick, meet dead horse. (POTP)

Complete the joke! Lindsay Lohan isn't dead yet, but... (A) Her career is! (B) She sure looks like it! (C) She is on the inside! (Superior Gossip)

Kiefer Sutherland and some crew members from "24" rang up a $700 bar tab from the hours of 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. at The Spot in San Pedro, CA following a nearby shoot. You heard that right.

According to an employee at the bar, Kiefer was throwing back scotch & Cokes and bought drinks for everybody in the joint -- roughly 30 people. The total damage: $500. No food ... all booze.

The drinks may have been stiff, but Kiefer wasn't -- we're told he tipped $200. FYI: We're told Sutherland -- who has a few DUIs under his belt -- was responsible this time and used a designated driver when he left the bar. (Source)

Damn. You know, I like to drink and I've never been drunk at 1:00 in the afternoon, not even in college. That's actually kind of badass. Not to mention, buying drinks for the house and laying down $200 tip? Kiefer Sutherland sounds like he'd be an awesome guy to go drinking with. Well, until the part when he gets so drunk that he head-butts you in the face, anyway. That's just the risk you take when you party with Special Agent Jack Bauer, though.

Lady Gaga showed up to the ACE Awards last night to receive her obviously well deserved Stylemaker Award wearing her bra and panties on the outside of her clothes, a black doily covering her face, what appears to be baking powder covering her entire body and Tyrannosaurus Rex arms.

I don't get it, if wearing underwear on the outside of your body, unkempt hair, inappropriate hand gestures and to be covered in a substance of indeterminate nature is all it takes to be a style icon, then the crazy lady who begs for cigarettes outside the corner store down the block got totally robbed. And anyway, at least Cigarette Lady knows that ensemble is best paired with galoshes.

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian discussed her tattoos on Ryan Seacrest's show yesterday, and said how she regrets getting a tattoo reading "Daddy" a few inches above her ass. Huh. What's to regret about that? Not getting it on her left breast or the inside of her thigh?

"On my lower back, I don't like the location... I got a trendy location. It's called a "tramp stamp," she said on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show Monday. (The tattoo is a cross and angel wings with "Daddy" written above it - in honor of late father, Robert.)

Her sister Kim has even joked to her about it. "Kim told me, 'You don't put a bumper sticker on a Bentley,'" she said. "I guess I am not a Bentley." (Source)

Luckily for Khloe however, you can put bumper stickers on a 1992 Plymouth Voyager mini-van. And you can also spray paint the hood with $5 cans of spray paint when all the original paint starts to peel off. I guess that's also why she wears so much make-up.

Khloe and her wonk-faced husband launching the Rich Soil line at Kitson:

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt got into a huge fight following Heidi Klum's big Halloween party on Saturday night. These two just can't seem to get along with each other. Probably because they're both terrible people.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt looked the picture of a happy couple when they started their night out on Saturday as they partied at Voyeur nightclub and the Roosevelt hotel in West Hollywood.

As they were heading home in their limo, however, the photographers following them saw a cell phone flying out the window right on the corner of La Brea and Sunset Blvd! Paris stopped the limo and ran out to find her phone. She returned empty-handed, yelling at Doug that she wanted to kill him for what he did to her. (Source)

If Paris Hilton were going to kill someone, I hope it would be through some new deadly strain of STD where the person afflicted would have to keep kicking himself in the nuts to slow the spread of the toxins in his body while he raced around L.A. searching for the antidote. Incidentally, that also happens to be the plot of the new Jason Statham movie.

Paris and Doug, pre-fight:

It's the day after Halloween, and you know what that means: Celebrities in Costumes! Celebslam has them all. (Celebslam)

And not to be outdone, the folks at Unzipped shows how to really gay it up for Halloween. NSFW. (Unzipped)

Here's a list of the best films who's stars died before they were released. And before you ask, YES, The Dark Knight is on the list. (Pajiba)

Oh look, the adulteress jerkoff that hypocrite Mel Gibson is banging had a baby. Hmmmm, I think I missed the part in the bible where that's okay. (Yeeeah!)

Audrina Patridge wants justice, and no, it doesn't involve her and her stupid friends getting the chair for that Hills crap. (The Blemish)

I have no other reason for linking to this other than the fact that it has David Beckham grabbing a pair of balls that aren't made by children paid six cents an hour. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jeremy Piven claims that soy gave him bitchtits, which is kind of appropriate when you think about it...Bitchtits? On a bitch? I'll be here all week. (Celebitchy)

Ellen DeGeneres scaring the sweet holy crap out of Taylor Swift? With video? I want to go to there. (HollyWire)

Apparently, Mariah Carey went as a bad publicity stunt for Halloween. (CelebSmack)

It's a little known rule that if there are pictures of Christina Ricci, I'm obligated to post them. Yay! (usemycomputer)

Good news for gay guys and desperate women everywhere: Adam Lambert is back on the market. The line to date him forms on the right. (Allie Is Wired)

Robert Pattinson fucks pillows? Colour me just fucking FLABBERGASTED. (Celeb Jihad)

Jessica Simpson lashed out on her twitter page after her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place" due to her utter and complete inability to act. Whatever, like Jessica totally isn't gloating on the inside that she's not the big failure for once.

The singer, 29, used to promote her sister's former show regularly on her Twitter ("Everyone watch my sis on melrose place tonight," she wrote Oct. 20). But on Sunday, she changed her tune drastically. Jessica wrote: "CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press."

Ashlee, a veteran of TV's 7th Heaven, was canned because producers thought she couldn't act. "They hired her because they needed a good name to help create buzz," a set insider told Us Weekly. "But she was embarrassingly bad. Producers cut her down as much as possible." (Source)

I'm actually going to miss Ashlee Simpson on "Melrose Place." Watching her stunning failure at acting and the cute way she overdramatically bobbed her head as she said each line was the most unintentionally entertaining aspect of the show. But you know who is going to miss her the most? The other actors. Ashlee made them all look so good comparatively; just think how hard they'll have to work now that she's gone. Ashlee Simpson is basically the acting equivalent of the ugly girl girls bring to the bar to make themselves look hotter.

More of Ashlee and a muumuu-wearing Jessica at Ashlee's birthday party at Wet Republic:

Here's some pictures of Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof taking their baby girl Satyana out trick-or-treating on Halloween. Try not to look directly at them, or your you might go blind due to the toxic levels of adorableness. In related news, move over, "Puppy and Kitten Holy Matrimony" June 2009 wall calendar picture, you've been replaced as the Cutest Couple of All Time.

I know what you're thinking -- I thought it too. Did Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian actually rise to brave new heights of famewhorishness by wearing her wedding dress from her sham marriage to Lamar Odom to a red carpet event?

Nope, it's actually just Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru, a.k.a. the Unites States Ambassador of Fabulousness, dressed up for Halloween. SNAP! You've been served, Khloe Kardashian. When a flamboyantly gay man with extensive plastic surgery who looks like a fancy lesbian out-wedding-dresses you, I'd say it's probably time to just give up the facade, return to the wooded hills of North Dakota and rejoin your sasquai brethren.

The real Khloe Kardashian on her wedding day:

Ryan Seacrest's six-foot-four, 200 pound stalker, Chidi Uzomah, was arrested on Friday after entering the E! Network headquarters looking for the tiny porcelain television personality. Uzomah may be facing jail time as this is likely a violation of the probation he got for previous Seacrest stalking incidents.

[Uzomah] was arrested last month for brandishing a knife and bum-rushing Seacrest's security guard at a charity event at a children's hospital in Orange, Calif.

And despite pleading guilty to two misdemeanors and being sentenced to three years' probation for that dust-up, Uzomah still sought face time with Seacrest.

Uzomah turned up in vain at KIIS-FM's Burbank offices looking for the host (whose radio studio, as Uzomah clearly figured out, is actually located at E!'s HQ in Los Angeles). "He asked somebody where Ryan was," a source said. "They said he didn't work here, he works at E! That was a few weeks ago." (Source)

This guy sounds like pretty much the worst stalker ever. The fact that he shows up at the headquarters of a television network and heavily-securitied charity events rather than say -- Seacrest's home in the middle of the night to snatch him out of the little sardine tin he sleeps in -- is the only reason they're not identifying Ryan Secrest by tiny bits in Chidi Uzomah's stool right now.