Seth McFarlane's spinoff of Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, is about as funny as you would expect it to be. (Pajiba)

As if there isn't enough bullshit floating around about who Justin Timberlake's penis is in, he's apparently fucking Rihanna now. (Yeeeah!)

Oh my God, Kanye West acted like a self-entitled dickbag again? Must be Wednesday again! (The Blemish)

Oh my God, Christina Ricci got a pixie haircut to match her pixie stature. My God, how adorable is she? (Seriously? OMG!)

George W. Bush wouldn't honour J.K. Rowling because her books encouraged witchcraft, sort of like how Twilight encourages teens to become whiny, sparky vampires. (Celebitchy)

Uh oh, looks like Randy Quaid is in deep shit for skipping out on a sweet holy shit-ton of debt. (Celebslam)

One of the contestants on So You Think You Can Dance flashed the ol' vagina on live TV, or as we like to call it, "The Full Lindsay". (HollyWire)

Oh my God, what the fuck is this shit? Kill it. Kill it with fire. (CelebSmack)

Oh Mary Louise Parker, have I ever told you that I have a big, lesbian crush on you? (usemycomputer)

In case you're wondering what T.R. Knight is doing now that he's not on that crappy show any more, this oughta answer your question. (popbytes)

Whoopi Goldberg has crossed the border between "tolerable" and "Fucking Idiot". (Celeb Jihad)

Alia Shawkat, otherwise known as "Arrested Development's" adorably precocious "Maeby Fünke," attended last night's red carpet premiere of Whip It, in which she co-stars. I don't know if that movie is gonna be any good or not -- since it does also star Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis, who happen to be in my top two most annoying actresses of all time -- but either way it's good to finally see Alia in something relatively high-profile. I mean, after "Arrested" ended, Maeby just kind of slipped into obscurity while that smarmy little fart-nugget Cera has been queefing up his George Michael schtick all over every damn film role written for an 18-22-year-old male. We get it already, you know how to stutter on cue. What do you want, some kind of fucking prize?

More from the Whip It premiere:

Us Weekly went live with a cover story today that Justin Timberlake heartlessly dumped Jessica Biel over the phone about a month ago and that they've been separated ever since. Oh, except that they were seen vacationing in Napa earlier this week. Whoops!

The same day that the magazine went to press with its Justin Timberlake “dumps” girlfriend Jessica Biel cover, the still-together couple was spotted vacationing in Northern California. Gossip Cop has confirmed that they are in Napa. To paraphrase an actual Timberlake ex - oops, the tabloid did it again.

Us Weekly writes in its mistaken cover story, “After nearly three years of breakups, makeups and [Biel’s] tears over his nights out, a mutual pal of the pair reveals that Timberlake has told friends ‘it’s over,’ and that he ended it for good with the actress - over the phone.” (Source)

Sounds like someone over at Us Weekly is totally getting fired for this. And by "getting fired" what I really mean is "enjoying a huge promotion." Please. Like things like "truth" and "honesty" are what pushes magazine covers. Let's just say this, if people didn't use five-year-old photos of themselves from the shoulders up in good lighting on match.com profiles, nobody would ever be getting laid.

Biel and Timberlake in Northern Cali on Monday evening:

Last week I posted photos of Suri Cruise hitting up Boston with that mother of hers, whatsherface, looking très chic in an adorable outfit with hot little kitten heels. And here she is again (and again with boring whatsherface) wearing this little number with a to-die-for lavender tiered shirt, striped leggings and leopard-print ballet flats. Seriously, is it really pathetic of me that I am totally coveting that three-year-old's wardrobe right now? I wonder if Tom and Katie would, um, adopt me. Sure, I'm thirty-two but I look young. I'd even convert to Xenu for them. Fuck, I'd convert to Satanism for the right pair of shoes.

Here's a clip of Amy Winehouse laying down some sweet beats with some dude named Zalon, in what can only be described as the most innovative thing to happen to rap music, ever. Most of it is pretty unintelligible and peppered with random shrieking, (as is common in rap music today) but at point about halfway through she hits us with this sweet rhyme:

"I never knew. I never knew that I, well, I know I'm a Jew. Well, a Jewmaican anyway. If you can smoke bacon, then I reckon that I never knew Zalon was so good at drums. It kind of makes me feel more dumb."

Huh. I've never heard of a "Jewmaican" before. That must be one of those specialty breeds, like a maltipoo or labradoodle. Also: Mmmm ... Smoked bacon ...

OK guys, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that Heidi Montag wants to start procreating. The good news is that Spencer Pratt is having none of it. Whew. In an interview with the New York Post (Really, New York Post?):

Spencer: I'm not even kidding, my wife -- OK, I'm gonna get crass here -- but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby. That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding -- my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts. (Source)

So, in related news: Spencer Pratt allegedly does have nuts. Huh! Like most people, I always just assumed that he was all smooth and shiny down there like a Ken doll. Well, not just any Ken doll, but Earring Magic Ken, to be exact.

If you went to see I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, you should pretty much just stop breathing forever. You don't deserve that air. Save it for someone who's not a completely soulless waste of humanity. (Pajiba)

TLC has dumped Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8. One down, and one to go. Get on it, TLC! You can still redeem yourselves! (Yeeeah!)

Ever wanted to know how much The Realitards of The Hills make? The answer will literally rot your very soul. (The Blemish)

Oh wow, Conan O'Brien took one seriously fucking nasty fall live on his show. Holy shit, that had to hurt. (Seriously? OMG!)

Carrie Prejean is Miss October in what can only be described as the least sexy calendar ever conceived. (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton does her best "Crab-infested Rainbow" impression to go out and get coffee. (BricksandStones)

The new Antichrist poster is out, and blissfully, keeps the whole "cutting off your own clitoris with a pair of rusty scissors" bit to a minimum. (Agent Bedhead)

Scarlett Johansson apparently never thought about getting married to Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, and I never thought about eating two whole foot-long sandwiches in one sitting. (POTP)

I have no idea who Sophie Monk is but look! Nipples! Yay? (Superior Gossip)

Britney Spears has a new single out called "3," which is going to be released on a singles album next month, and here are the, um, lyrics:

1, 2, 3
Not only you and me
Got one eighty degrees
And I'm caught in between
Countin'
1, 2, 3
Peter, Paul & Mary
Gettin' down with 3P
Everybody loves ***
Countin'

Babe, pick a night
To come out and play
If it's alright
What do you say?

Merrier the more
Triple fun that way
Twister on the floor
What do you say?

Are - you in
Livin' in sin is the new thing (yeah)
Are - you in
I am countin'!

Sure, there was a time when the thought of Britney Spears having a threesome was very, very sexy. There was also a time when people used to think you could lose weight by eating bacon and ranch dressing, and we all know how that turned out. Really, I can't even properly put into words how unappealing the idea of a threesome with Britney Spears is now without comparing it to George Costanza food sex.

Britney on the last night of her Circus tour in Vegas on Sunday:

When I first saw these pictures of Mel Gibson running around with a beaver hand puppet on his hand, I just figured there was probably a logical explanation, like that the liquor store was having a buy one get one free sale on Jim Beam. But it turns out it was actually for a movie. I mean, really? Mel Gibson in a movie? What is it, the year 1999?

Kelly Osbourne -- who's opinion is relevant because? -- told Us Magazine that she was happy for her friend Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian and that she made the right decision to get married on a total fucking whim for reality TV.

"When you know, you know - and they know," Osbourne told Us. "When it's right for somebody, she can only know that. It's nobody else's business, just theirs. It was a fairytale wedding and completely beautiful." (Source)

Yeah. It's nobody's business but Khloe and Lamar's. Oh, and of course readers of OK! magazine who shelled out $300,000 on exclusive rights to the photos, and viewers of the E! network, who footed the bill for the $1 million wedding in exchange for filming it for their reality show, and basically anyone who has turned on a TV or went on the internet in the past week, since the Kardashian's PR machine has been working overtime. The only way it could have been more everybody's business if they held the president hostage and hijacked the airwaves and forced the entire country to watch the goddamn thing happen.

Photos from the wedding, since the paparazzi knew where it would be thanks to "mysteriously" leaked invitations:

Eli Roth had a cyber-orgy on Twitter. My God, I would punch my mother in the face for some of that Jewish Sausage. (Celebitchy)

As if you need another reason to go see Where the Wild Things Are, Karen O is the leading force behind the soundtrack. Only 19 more days people. Nineteen more days. (Pajiba)

Jessica Alba totally died her hair red, which totally would have been interesting two years ago when people actually gave a shit about Jessica Alba. (Yeeeah!)

Never leave your cell phone on in a theater around Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig, unless you want the sexiest beat-down of your life. (The Blemish)

Fun Fact: Seth McFarlane is currently responsible for 75% of Fox's animated shows. How fucking depressing is that? (Seriously? OMG!)

Holy shit, Kevin Federline is in the produce isle? EVERYONE FREAK THE FUCK OUT! (Celebslam)

In honour of Roman Polanski, it's Hollywood's hottest teens! I think looking at this list will cause Chris Hansen to barge through your front door. (HollyWire)

Truly a question for the ages...Dog The Bounty Hunter: Would you hit it? I'd hit it with a crowbar until it stopped breathing, but that's about it. (CelebSmack)

Dita Von Tease is still hotter than you and everyone you know could ever hope to be. So stop trying. (usemycomputer)

If you haven't heard about The Shelter Pets Program, for the love of God, CLICK THIS LINK ALREADY! (Allie Is Wired)

Guess who Miley Cyrus' biggest fan? No, really, guess. I'll give you a hint: He likes kids. (Celeb Jihad)

Here's a Jennifer Love Hewitt sighting in Los Angeles this weekend, and by the looks of things girlfriend needs to stay out of the sun for awhile and maybe eat some Taco Bell while she's at it. The last time I saw anyone this tan and bony they thought a volleyball named "Wilson" was their best friend.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt must be jealous of all the attention rival reality whores the Kardashians have been lately -- because just two weeks after Spencer gave Heidi a maltipoo puppy for her birthday, now they've announced that they're getting another one.

"We're getting Dolly's brother and naming him Inky the Ninja!" the couple tells PEOPLE exclusively of the little black maltipoo that will be joining the household soon. (Source)

At least they're doing something sort of responsible, I presume, by getting sibling dogs -- so we know they're not planning on doing anything stupid like breeding them or anything. Well that's good. That way the Pratt-Montag household will stay just the way it's always been: Completely sexless.

Johnny Law has finally apprehended old man Roman Polanski, who has been on the lam for over thirty years after having fled the United States for France in 1977, facing conviction for having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

Set to receive an honorary award at the Zurich Film Festival, the director, 76, was taken into custody upon his arrival at the airport, the Associated Press reports. Polanski's arrest has said to have been sought globally for the past four years.

"There was a valid arrest request and we knew when he was coming," ministry spokesman Guido Balmer told The Associated Press. "That's why he was taken into custody." Balmer also added that the U.S. needs to make a formal extradition request. (Source)

Suuuure... "honorary award." In the end, his downfall turned out to be his pride. Let this be a lesson to other wanted sexual predators out there. The National Association of Middle School Janitors doesn't exist, and even if it did they probably wouldn't honor you in the first place.

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian had her quickie wedding to the L.A. Lakers Lamar Odom yesterday in a lavish ceremony in Los Angeles. Except, maybe not. TMZ is reporting that the nuptials might actually have been fakery since they had to rush the wedding before a prenup could be signed. Oh, and, naturally they had to rush the wedding so E! could film it for one of the Kardashian's reality shows.

We've learned they must get married on Sunday because one of the Kardashian reality shows is footing the $1 million bill for the wedding, but the deal is that the wedding must be shot this Sunday.

Now here's the intrigue. There's talk that Sunday's wedding might not be the real deal -- it could be a non-binding ceremony. It's common with a postnup that bride and groom would not officially tie the knot until after they sign the document. What they typically do sign before the ceremony is an acknowledgment that it's not really an official wedding, to prevent misunderstandings down the road. (Source)

Wow, I can't think of anything more romantic than getting fake married to some dude you've only known for a month for a television show because neither party trusts the other one with finances enough to get real married. Except arranged marriages in third world countries for children under the age of twelve. That actually comes pretty close.

Assorted celebrity guests arriving to the reality show wedding:

Here's a list of the best movies made for under $60 grand. (Pajiba)

For why is Anna Paquin wearing a shirt over her bikini?? (Celebslam)

Heyoo! Politician Scott Brown got all naked for Cosmo in the 80's. (Tabloid Prodigy)

Randy and Evi Quaid are fighting the allegations about them with a hand-written letter to TMZ. yeah, good luck with that. (CelebSmack)

Oh hey, Lucy Lawless still exists. (usemycomputer)

HA!!!!!! Did Jay-Z get a nose job??? (Celeb Jihad)

In addition to being old and skanky, Pam Anderson is also millions in debt. (Yeeeah!)

Michael Jackson is reaching out from beyond the grave to still be batshit crazy. (The Blemish)

I don't know about you guys, but I think Brad Pitt is losing the sexy. (Seriously? OMG!)

Sarah Silverman went and found herself a boyfriend who's not fat and completely unattractive. (Celebitchy)

David Duchovny's character is headed to college in the upcoming season of "Californication." Oh yeah. That's gonna end well. (Agent Bedhead)

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardasian stands to get more than just free publicity and boosted ratings for her reality show from her impending quickie sham nuptuals to the Lakers' Lamar Odom on Sunday. She's also going to rake in a shitload of money.

Sources say OK! magazine is about to shell out $300,000 for an exclusive on the Sunday nuptials, besting lesser offers from Us Weekly and People.

But Odom won't be making a dime off the deal, according to a Kardashian family insider. The source says that Khloe will pocket all the cash — with a cut going to her manager-mom, Kris, of course. (Source)

So if Lamar isn't seeing cent one out of this jackpot, then what the hell does he get out of the deal? I mean, other than to deflower an adolescent yeti, anyway. Actually, in some circles that in itself is worth quite a bit of money.

Pam Anderson modeled the runway for designer Richie Rich's New Zealand Fashion Week show called "A Muse," wearing nothing but a sheer, see-through piece of cloth with her picture printed on it and a G-string. So I guess it's to be assumed that Richie Rich (i.e., the flamboyantly gay gentleman wearing roller skates pictured below) is saying that Pam Anderson is his muse -- much like the great masters of the Renaissance had their muses. All I can say is thank God tanning beds, hair bleach and, cocaine hadn't been invented yet back in Botticelli's day or the Birth of Venus might have turned out decidedly much skankier.

Thumbnails obviously NSFW:

Kristen Cavallari went on some "The Hills" related show on MTV earlier this week to talk about her return to the scripted reality show -- because, yes, MTV actually has shows about "The Hills." And during the course of the interview, Kristen apologized for having famously introduced Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

"I want to apologize to everybody, I had no idea what it would turn into," Kristin said when Dan asked if she had any idea introducing the two would lead to staged photo ops, Heidi's music career and their hokey pokey stint on "I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here." (Source)

You know what? Apology denied. You can't start something reprehensible like "Speidi" and get away scot-free with some crappy apology. That's like asking to be forgiven for inventing AIDS or starting the holocaust. Either find a way to travel back in time to stop yourself from committing the heinous act, or shut your goddamn face hole about it.

Heidi and Spencer being gross and obnoxious at the Playboy Mansion: (Editor's note: WHAT in God's name is he wearing around his neck?!)

Randy Quaid and his wife were both released on bail from a jail in West Texas last night after being arrested for allegedly failing to pay a hotel bill in Santa Barbara earlier this month.

A felony warrant for burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy was issued out of Santa Barbara, Calif., for the couple after authorities received a complaint in early September that they had not paid a bill of more than $10,000 due to a local hotel, according to a release from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department. (Source)

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation here. Like that Randy Quaid really couldn't afford to pay a $10,000 hotel bill because he's Randy Quaid and thought it would probably be cool if he skipped out because -- hey! -- he's that beloved actor from those Vacation movies. Either that or maybe they were kidnapped by ninjas before they had a chance to pay their bill. That sounds like a pretty viable option, too.

Screech spoke to Us Magazine about his upcoming "Saved By the Bell" tell-all, which is not out yet probably because none of it is actually true and the second he "releases" it he'll probably be sued a new asshole.

I could smell a certain 'smoke,' wafting from from the crack" underneath his castmates' dressing rooms, says Diamond, 32, who played the dork Screech.

Diamond — who filed for bankruptcy in 2001 and had his own sex tape released in 2006 — goes on to say his costars hooked up off-camera.

"If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]'s room," he tells the new Us Weekly. "Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul's room." (Source)

So all of this drug use and hooking up Screech alleges, none of it he actually saw with his own actual eyes. What a shocker. I think this weird smoke he thinks he smelled was probably just the distinct aroma of pretty young popular people being functional and normal. Obviously that would be pretty unsettling for a guy like Screech.

Jenna Elfman's "Accidentally on Purpose" is the perfect compliment to "Two and a Half Men." And we mean that in the most condescending way possible. (Pajiba)

Karina Smirnoff is the latest idiot celebrity to get nekkid for PETA. (CelebSmack)

Ew, ew, ew, ew. Mackenzie Phillips used to bang her dad. (Yeeeah!)

Marilyn Manson was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. (Seriously? OMG!)

Khloe Kardashian is on the cover of Life & Style in her wedding dress. Oh Jesus, enough already. (Celebitchy)

Oh God, and Joe Francis is hosting the bachelor party. Of fucking course. (The Blemish)

Somebody needs to drag that Miley Cyrus girl by the hair back to a classroom. (Celebslam)

Lindsay Lohan's "sobriety" looking like it's right fucking on track. (Superior Gossip)

I'm not sure how uh, "true" this story is, but apparently Zac Efron shot a cat in the head 13 times. (Celeb Jihad)

Renee Zellwger is set to play Bridget Jones in a third installment of the movie, but this time old "razorsharp clavicles" won't be plumping herself up for the role. Instead Renee is pulling a Tyler Perry and plans to wear a fat suit.

"Renee will be wearing a fat suit in the third film as it took her a while to lose the weight last time," a source tells Britain's Reveal magazine. "She's also thinking about the effect quickly putting on and then losing 30 pounds has on her body." (Source)

I've never seen a Bridget Jones movie, probably because I'm not a loney shut-in who spends my evenings wrapped in a Snuggie, eating ice cream and talking to my cat. But to put myself in the mindset, I can't really think of a way that that's not insulting that Renee Zellweger has to wear a fat suit to still be skinnier than most of the Bridget Jones target audience. They might as well just call it Bridget Jones 3: I'm Not Really This Fat.

Rocking the negative percent body fat at Letterman last month:

You know what I love? How every time something horrible happens in Jessica Simpson's life, like she gets caught looking fat or Tony Romo dumps her or her movie/album/etc. bombs, all the subsequent photos of her are captioned: "Jessica Simpson Manages to Smile Despite [Insert Tragic Thing in Jessica Simpson's Life Here]." Like everyone expects Jessica Simpson to be wandering around like a blubbery, snot-bubbled mess all the time.

So here is Jessica Simpson managing to smile at Heathrow Airport in London, despite coming to terms with the fact that her beloved maltipoo Daisy's final resting place is in coyote shit. I actually have to give her credit this time though, because if anything bad happened to my dog my ass wouldn't leave a fetal position for at least a month. Jessica Simpson is probably just a lot more used to hopeless despair than I am, though.

In what is only like the most hilarious and obvious casting news in the history of ever, TMZ has confirmed that Kevin Federline has joined the cast of "Celebrity Fit Club" after one of their employees caught him fatting his way onto the VH1 set. Ooh! And it gets even better, because Shar Jackson is also totally on this season! Maybe they'll rekindle sparks over some contraband chocolate covered pork rinds and babies #5 and #6 could be on the horizon! I cannot even express in words how excited I am for this to happen. The only celebrity reality show that could possibly top this awesomeness would be Celebrity Heidi and Spencer Get Beaten to Death Club.

Shar Jackson sausaged into an ugly dress at the Emmys:

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. celebrated the birth of their first daughter, Charlotte Grace Prinze on Saturday, according to reps for the couple. I know that "Prinze Jr." isn't actually Freddie's last name, but Charlotte Grace Prinze Jr. just has so much nicer of a ring to it, if you ask me. Something to think about, you two.

Kris Jenner, famed matriarch of the Kardashian Klan (is it racist to spell it like that?) thinks it's A-fucking-OK that her daughter Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is marrying some dude she's known for a month.

"You know, that's how Bruce [Jenner] and I met," she said on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. "We met, and we were married four months later. Isn't that romantic?"

She added, "I just go by what I feel. If you meet somebody, you just know." (Source)

You "just know" what? Their credit score, STD history or that five years ago they may or may not have been the leading suspect in a missing persons investigation? Sure, quickie marriages might be "romantic" but they're also how you end up hitched to murders and closet gays. And guys who do this to their faces. But if Kris Jenner is OK with it, then I guess so am I.

Khloe at a charity event last night milking this puppy for all he's worth:

Better late than never: Here's a review of Jennifer's Body. (Pajiba)

Oh, surprise! Lindsay Lohan is friends with the guy who supposedly "robbed" her. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Simpson is headed into a tailspin after her dog got eaten by that coyote. And you know, everything else in her life. (The Blemish)

Oh HELL YES. Heather Locklear is set to return to "Melrose Place" in November. (Celebitchy)

Speaking of which, Josie Bissett is coming back tonight! (Seriously? OMG!)

Beyonce will literally risk beheading for her fans. (Celebslam)

Victoria Beckham is skinnier than ever, but damn does she have cute dresses. (CelebSmack)

Blake Lively and Leighton Meester at the Emmy Awards. (usemycomputer)

AnnaLynne McCord can't seem to keep her titters wrangled. NSFW (Celeb Jihad)

A bunch of Jesus freaks protested outside of a Miley Cyrus concert in San Jose on Sunday, even though Miley hasn't expressed any desire to marry another woman and to the best of my knowledge hasn't had any abortions. (Yet.) Quite frankly, if you would have asked me the one place I thought Miley Cyrus was headed I would have said "rehab." But sure, why not. I guess hell works, too.

Backstage at VH1 Divas:

Famed music producer Scott Storch is opening up on his past drug addiction and says that when he signed Brooke Hogan to his label to release her 2006 album "Undiscovered" he was too high to know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Storch, who has since beat his drug addiction, tells Details magazine, "I was doing blow (cocaine) 24/7. It was out of control. I love Brooke, but I did that s**t because her father was putting all sorts of pressure on me."

"Sure, it was fun. But the thing is I didn't make one good bit of music when I was high on coke. Not one bit." (Source)

So basically Brooke Hogan's own music producer admits that her music sucks and that he only produced it because her ginormous leather-skinned father "pressured" him into it. But hey, at least he had fun? Oh hell, who are we kidding. It was 2006 and there was shitloads of coke. He would have been having "fun" if he was producing an album of the sounds Johnny Knoxville's turds made plopping onto Steve-O's face.

Brooke "performing" at her CD release party in July:

Katie Holmes was seen out in Boston yesterday, where Tom is filming his latest film Wichita, with the three-year-old Suri who was sporting a fancy handbag and pair of high heels. Boy, is this kid growing up fast. It's always a special time in a little girl's life when she realizes she can see the top of daddy's head for the first time.

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is getting married this Sunday to some dude she's only known for a month, L.A. Lakers forward Lamar Odom. Because I guess releasing a sex tape and getting knocked up out of wedlock were already taken.

"Khloe and Lamar want to get married before Lamar has to go away for training, and the [basketball] season starts up [this fall]," a source tells Us of the couple. (The Lakers are set to play their first preseason game on Oct. 7.)

"They are hoping to pull together a wedding ... so they can get married and have time for a honeymoon," the source told Us. (Source)

Suuuure. The hurry is because basketball season. I'm sure it has nothing to do with making it onto this season of "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami." I just hope these two don't figure out that having babies and getting married aren't the only way to boost ratings. Although "Kourtney and Khloe Kill a Man in Cold Blood" does have a nice ring to it.

More of Khloe and Lamar at the Whiteout premiere: (Note to Khloe: Red lipstick not helping.)

Kevin Federline's other baby momma, Shar Jackson, says that her ex in unconcerned with the fact that the internet is pointing and laughing about how fucking fat he is all the time. In fact, you can't see it but I'm literally pointing at the screen and laughing as we speak.

"He doesn't care," his ex Shar Jackson told Usmagazine.com at HBO's post-Emmys party in Los Angeles Sunday. "The beautiful thing about him is that he could care less." She said the 31-year-old dancer-turned-rapper is doing "good."

Meanwhile, Jackson says that despite devoting 95% of his time on Sean Preston and Jayden James, K Fed still finds time to be a good parent to his other two children.

Jackson said that he still manages to phone the two children he has with her: Kori, 7, and Kaleb, 5. "He calls them all the time," she told Us. "They have good long phone conversations. I’m like, 'Ok, that's good. Hang up the phone 'cause we have stuff to do.'" (Source)

Wow. He even calls them, like, on the phone? I bet he even remembered that one time to send them cards on their birthdays, too. It seriously amazes me that Shar Jackson can never find enough good things to say about her ex who left her and their two children -- one of which she was still pregnant with at the time -- to go running off with Britney Spears. I just hope that this is all leading up to something big. Like maybe one day her pulling a Tonya Harding -- on his nuts. With a pick axe.

More of K Fat with girlfriend Victoria Price who he's managed not to knock up yet and the two kids he gives a shit about:

Courtney Love was at a party for the New York Times'Style Magazine's 5th anniversary issue this weekend when a hapless guest, pharmacist Sebastian Karnaby, accidentally walked in on her sitting on the shitter. He apologized, then they both moved on with their evenings. Just kidding! She flew into a psychotic rage.

Karnaby says he was shocked and slammed the door shut, but that wasn't enough for Love. He relates, "She stormed out screaming, 'I am going to get you thrown out!' She jumped on me, went crazy and dragged me over to security by the arm and claimed that I'd attacked her.

"They were trying to calm her down, but she was out of control. She was like a possessed woman. "I absolutely did not attack her -- I was trying to get away," Karnaby said. "Thankfully, she'd remembered to pull up her skirt."

He says security told him, "It's best you get away as fast as possible." "I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet," he said. "It wasn't a pretty sight. I just wanted to get out of there." (Source)

I like how he clarified that he never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. As if that weren't kind of a given. If I had to choose between seeing Courtney Love on a toilet, an angry rhinoceros headed straight for me or a sonogram of my uterus with seven fetuses in it -- even then I wouldn't want to see Courtney Love on the toilet. I mean, things turned out OK for those Jon and Kate people, right?

More of Paley McMushmouth at Fashion week:

Because there simply no force on this Earth which can come between this man and his love for getting pants-shittingly, stomach-pumpingly drunk -- David Hasselhoff was once again taken to the hospital last night after once again being discovered eight sheets to the wind by his teenage daughter Hayley.

We've learned 17-year-old Hayley Hasselhoff -- who was at home with David -- called her mother Pamela, claiming David was extremely drunk. One of Pamela's friends called 911, paramedics arrived at the family's home in Encino and took him to the hospital. (Source)

On the plus side, much like the show "Intervention," being regaled with David Hasselhoff's heroic tales of drunkenness makes us all feel better about our own drinking habits. On the minus side, one of his teenage daughters is probably going to find him dead one day. Yeah... I guess there's really just nothing funny about that.

Chloe Sevigny did this for some reason on the red carpet at the Emmys last night. All I know is that if she was trying to be sexy, the attempt was met with a resounding failure. Of course, it's pretty much a given that if you can't even pull off "sexy" giving an onscreen blowjob, the common wink is probably going to be pretty elusive as well.

The 61st prime time Emmy Awards were held last night, and, blah -- a bunch of boring stuff happened and pretty much the same shit wins that always wins. So I know the hot question burning on everyones' mind this morning is: Just how did Kourtney Kardashian pick out her Emmy dress?

"It's hard to get dressed when you're seven months pregnant almost!" the E! reality star told Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet before heading inside to the show.

"It's challenging, but I still try to be fashionable," continued Karashian, 30, who chose a floor-length black gown. (Source)

That's fascinating. Wow, really. Because you know, I've always wondered how a seven month preggo goes about picking a gown for a formal event. Now if I only had the answer as to what the chick who got famous for having a big butt and getting peed on's sister who got pregnant to boost ratings for her crappy reality show is doing at the most prestigious television awards show of the year in the first goddamn place, I'd totally be set.

In one of the more overwhelmingly pathetic things she's ever done, Paula Abdul imitated and mocked Ellen DeGeneres on last night's "VH1 Divas." Ellen, of course, is taking over Paula Abdul's role as judge on "American Idol" next season.

"Why you all staring at me? Can't a girl try out a new job?" she asked innocently after boogying her way up the aisle of the Brooklyn Academy of Music. (Source)

Ooh. Take that, Ellen. I bet that totally hit beneath the belt. Although, contrary to popular belief, Ellen DeGeneres doesn't actually so much have testicles, so once again Paul Abdul fails at life.

Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley have had their adopted Korean daughter Naleigh for all of like five minutes now, so naturally they've already released this photo to the public of the three of them locked in a loving embrace. I know this is kind of terrible to say, but Heigl has been getting a lot of bad publicity lately. And I mean a lot. Like, even more so than usual. Which was already a lot to begin with. So does anyone else wonder if this whole thing might just be a publicity adoption? I don't know if that says more about Katherine Heigl or myself that I would even think something like that. Probably just me, though. If there's one thing about me, it's that I can never take a loving gesture at face value without wondering what ulterior motives might lie behind it. Say what you will, but I like to call it a "survival tactic."

A couple of weeks ago I posted a story about Avril Lavigne's marriage being in the shitter, and of course a couple of her looney fans came out of the woodwork to inform me how wrong I was. Because, oh yeah? SUCK IT. After news broke early yesterday of their split, Avril herself has confirmed that her marriage with Deryck [sic] Whibley is over. From her blog:

Deryck and I have been together for 6 and a half years. We have been friends since I was 17, started dating when I was 19, and married when I was 21. I am grateful for our time together, and I am grateful and blessed for our remaining friendship. I admire Deryck and have a great amount of respect for him. He is the most amazing person I know and I love him with all my heart. Deryck and I are separating and moving forward on a positive note.

Well obviously your marriage is going to fail if you're married to the same guy you've been dating since you were a teenager. Of course, it doesn't hurt if you're an annoying, immature twat who wants to drunkenly fuck your way through Hollywood and your husband looks like Gollum's second cousin. The only mystery here is how it lasted this long. I've had sour cream that I thought would take longer to expire than this marriage.

Stupid Avril hamming it up at her "Abbey Dawn" fashion show earlier this week:

Joel McHale has a new show, and it is the fucking BOMB yo. (Pajiba)

That guy from Gossip Girl has a tattoo so gay, it would make Elton John shit a rainbow. (Yeeeah!)

Taking your 15 year old sibling out clubbing? Great idea Lindsay! Maybe I'll take my minis out some day and get them addicted to blow. (The Blemish)

Matt Damon went on Jimmy Kimmel Live an fought some guy named Guillermo or something. I dunno, I wasn't listening. (Seriously? OMG!)

Chris Brown tries to win back Rihanna the only way he know how: On Twitter. I somehow don't see this working... (Celebitchy)

A propos of nothing, here's Salma Hayek and her gigantic...talent. Oh, and her boobs too. (Celebslam)

If her hair is any indication, Drew Barrymore has finally gone completely crazycakes. (HollyWire)

A true heroin, Whitney Houston went on Oprah to weed out her problems and finally crack them for good. Meth. (CelebSmack)

Eliza Dushku takes time off from blowing ghosts to do an eco-casino thing. (usemycomputer)

Mario Lopez puts the final nail in the coffin of his heterosexuality by donning women's lingerie. (popbytes)

Elton John is apparently too old and too gay to adopt. Not too old or gay: Madonna. (Celeb Jihad)

Spencer Pratt reportedly gave Heidi Montag a 9-week-old puppy for her 23rd birthday. Oh, sure. Why not? That sounds like a fantastic fucking idea.

"Spencer gave me the best gift ever, a maltipoo puppy that we have named Dolly," Montag tells PEOPLE exclusively. The dog, named for country singer Dolly Parton, is white with black ears. "I'm so excited today is my birthday,"

Montag says. "Thank you, God, for every moment you have given me and blessing me with my wonderful husband." (Source)

With Jessica Simpson's dog Daisy getting dragged off to maltipoo heaven yesterday via the jaws of a ravenous coyote, and now another one being damned to a lifetime of Double Blonde Evil, I think it pretty much goes without saying that malitpoos are not having the best week. The only way this could possibly get worse is if science decided to name an animal-themed flu after them.

More of this retardation:

After Anne Heche made a giant, assy spectacle of herself trashing her ex-husband and the father of her 7-year-old son Homer on Letterman, she's agreed to a court-ordered "parenting referee." Yeah, good luck with that. The kid's mom is Anne Heche. Either way he's screwed.

The coordinator will make $375 per-hour to do the following things:

-- Coach the parents on effective co-parenting
-- Help the parents make joint parenting decisions
-- Resolve disputes between the parents concerning the court-ordered parenting plan (Source)

Things the court-ordered coordinator won't be paid $375 an hour to do? Make coffee runs and travel back in time to sew Anne Heche's vagina shut with titanium wire. It would make her job a hell of a lot easier, though.

Kendra Wilkinson's husband Hank Baskett got unceremoniously dumped by the Philadelphia Eagles yesterday to make room for that dog-fighting piece of fucking shit, Michael Vick.

The team said on its Web site that Vick, who had been on the exempt list, will begin practicing with the team on Wednesday. (Vick can't play in the first two regular-season games as a penalty for participating in a dogfighting ring.) (Source)

Wow. Not only did they cut a guy who's got a baby on the way, but they cut him for another guy who was convicted to abusing and torturing animals. Stay classy, Philadelphia Eagles. For their next brilliant move, maybe they can lobby for the NFL to have all footballs replaced with kittens in the event of field goal kicks.

Paris Hilton hosted an event to raise homophobia awareness at a gay club in Milan earlier this week, but when the transvestite up on stage with her asked her to hold up a sign saying "No Homophobia" she inexplicably refused and then they all booed her stupid ass. But really, I don't know why anyone would want Paris Hilton to help raise awareness for their cause anyway, unless your cause is something like racism or hate or people who don't use their turn signals.

Also? Fun fact: Paris Hilton was wearing more makeup/fake hair than that entire audience full of transvestites put together.

She eventually came around, so good for her:

Zorro and Grandma Hells Angel hung out together backstage at Fashion Week, presumably because they're both ridiculous hags who use outlandish outfits and stunts to disguise the fact that they're only, at best, mediocre singers. Either that or it's because they both happen to be big "Boggle" aficionados.

I know, I know. Hang on to your collective gag reflexes, but Katy Perry and Russell Brand supposedly hooked up at an MTV Video Music Awards after party on Sunday night. Gross.

The voracious womanizer was seen admiring Perry's cleavage before kissing her as they sat on a banquette. An onlooker at the Meatpacking District hot spot told Page Six, "They were sitting very close together, flirting and whispering to each other with their faces very close. Then Russell leaned in for a long kiss. It didn't look like this was the first time. He was looking extremely pleased with himself." (Source)

Well that doesn't mean much of anything. I'm sure most guys would be elated to make out with Katy Perry, but Russell Brand is a mouth-breathing idiot who appears to be intoxicated nearly 100% of the time. He probably looks "extremely pleased" with himself when he actually wakes up remembering where he is and hasn't even pissed himself.

The proud new owner of a brand new set of cold sores at the VMAs:

Jessica Simpson's 5-year-old maltipoo Daisy, known to "Newlywed" viewers as "Nick Lachey's Dog of Emasculation" was grabbed by a coyote yesterday.

On her Twitter page, she writes: "A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Posters of the pooch have already surfaced in the singer's Calabasas, Calif., neighborhood. "Reward offered," they read. (Source)

This is actually really, really sad, and I genuinely feel for her. But still, as much as I hate being the bearer of bad news, the odds of an animal called a "maltipoo" escaping from the jaws of a coyote and finding its way home are about as good as Jessica Simpson putting out another #1 album. So basically, yeah ... Old Daisy had a good run there. I'll pour from a bottle of doggie Evian on the curb in her memory.

Last night Kayne West and his asininely shaved head put on their best sad panda face on the premiere of "The Jay Leno Show" to apologize for being such an asshole. Well, he actually originally was just going on to sing, but that's what ended up happening thanks to what went down Sunday night.

After Jay rubs his dead mommy in his face (nice touch) Kanye pauses for a long time and says that he needs to take some time off. Oh right, because if anything is going to make you see the error of your bastardly egomaniacal ways it's probably some R&R. Preferably someplace tropical. Man, if I got to go on vacation every time I fucked up I'd be pushing down old ladies in the street just for the hell of it. Cabo San Lucas, here I come!

Kanye with Amber Rose on one arm and a bottle of Hennessy on the other at the VMA red carpet Sunday night:

Patrick Swayze lost his battle with pancreatic cancer yesterday. He was only 57 years old.

"Patrick Swayze passed away peacefully today with family at his side after facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months," his publicist, Annett Wolf, said in a statement. No other details were given. (Source)

One time when I was in college, I was just about to start working on a huge project when I went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water and found one of my housemates settling into a TNT airing of Dirty Dancing. So naturally I dropped everything and started watching it with her. Then after it was over, TNT ran an encore and we watched it again. Suffice to say I never did get that project done that night, and I don't even remember what the project was or what class it was for or what my college GPA ended up being. But I'll always remember that awesome night I watched Dirty Dancing two times in a row. R.I.P. Johnny.

Here's a list of all the winners fro last night. Holy Shit, Matt and Kim won a Moon Man? Colour me STUNNED. Also, BAAAAAHAHAHAHA Kanye didn't win anything! (Allie is Wired)

GASP! Holy shit holy shit holy shit DETAILS FROM THE NEW MUPPETS MOVIE aaaaaaaaand I just peed myself a little. Crap. (Pajiba)

That chick from the crappy vampire show that no one watched got arrested for flashing her titties...Oh, excuse me, her TIT-TAYS. (Yeeeah!)

Lady Gaga upped the "Batshit Insane" ante last night by going onstage and possibly pretending to have an abortion. Wait, WHAT? (The Blemish)

...And then she dressed up like a giant used tampon. Keep it classy, honey. (Celebslam)

Oooooh, Pink and Shakira wore the EXACT same dress last night. That must have been the most awkward part of the show, huh? Oh, wait, yeah... (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww yeah, Colin Farrell is gonna be a daddy again! His baby is already on the waiting list for dialysis. (Celebitchy)

And now for something you'll really like: Drag Queens Cliff Diving. You're welcome! (omg blog)

St. Tila Tequila is either a drunk, a liar, or a lying drunkard who tells lies. Either way, she's a fucking idiot. (CelebSmack)

Katy Perry and her big, huge, annoying boobs at the MTV VMAs. (usemycomputer)

As someone subjected to Hannah Montana at my parents house way more than I'd like, this cracked my shit up. (Celeb Jihad)

When someone goes onstage to humiliate a 19-year old girl in your name, you gotta feel at least a tiny bit guilty, right? Well, after Kanye acted the douche and broke Taylor Swift's adorable little heart, Beyonce used her acceptance speech to give Taylor Swift her moment in the spotlight. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm kinda actually LIKING Beyonce Knowles right now. Is that even possible?

"I was standing on stage because I was really excited because I had just won the award," Swift recalled. "And then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage. "

And then I wasn't so excited anymore after that."

"They told me to stand by the side of the stage, and I didn't really know what was going to go down," Swift said. "But I thought it was so wonderful and gracious of her to do what she's always done. She's always been a great person before anything else. Before the talented artist, the superstar, she's always been a great person and I just, I thought I couldn't love Beyonce more tonight, than tonight." (Source)

Awwww, she's so adorable! Seriously, it takes a special kind of asshole to bash someone that tiny and cute. I mean look at her! She's so...small! I want to put her in my pocket and carry her around with me all day! Who would hurt someone you could put in your pocket. Who I ask you, who?

Beyonce performing last night at the VMAs:

As you are all probably well aware by now, Kelly Clarkson is the fucking shit. From the moment she wakes up in the morning until she goes to bed at night, having rocked the fuck out of humanity, she can do no wrong. Which is why she used her blog to absolutely goddamn destroy Kanye West for being such a tactless asshole.

“Dear Kanye, What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough?? Something must have happened to make you this way and I think we’re all just curious as to what would make a grown man go on national television and make a talented artist, let alone teenager, feel like s***. I mean, I’ve seen you do some pretty shitty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, a****** ways. It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you. I like everyone. I even like my a****** ex that cheated on me over you…" (Source)

I'm going to assume that immediately after writing this, Kelly Clarkson invented a time machine to go back in time and nutsack Hitler with a flaming Chainsaw. OF JUSTICE! I hereby decree that Kelly Clarkson is the Empress of Everyone and Everything. All bow before her and her mighty flaming chainsaw of justice!

Kelly Clarkson at the MMVAs, that other awards show no one cares about:

Because apparently there is life outside of a shitty awards show from a network that has lost relevance years ago, The Fox-Bay feud has been taken to the next level of annoying, as anonymous crew members have sent Megan a letter calling her "Careless" and "Trailer Trash", ironically describing the target audience for Transformers 2.

When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair!

Furthermore, Bay stopped blowing shit up long enough to write this:

I don't condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3. (Source)

Sweet holy God, would this people shut the fuck up already? Do they not know that absolutely NO ONE cares about them or their crappy movie? I mean my God, it came out two months ago, and it sucked! Let it the fuck go already, no one is even remotely interested in your abomination of a film!

Here's Megan at TIFF:

Howdy y'all. Stacey's feeling under the weather, so I'm stepping in today. Suck it haters. Anyhoodle, The MTV Video Music Awards were yesterday, and it just wouldn't be a crappy awards show if Kanye West didn't jump onstage to act like an insufferable douchebag. After Taylor Swift picked up the award for Best Female Video, Kanye barged onstage to basically tell her she didn't deserve the award. Class act this one is.

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’m [going to] let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” Kanye said, earning the boos of the crowd as Beyonce looked shocked in the audience.

A source on the scene told Access Hollywood on Sunday night that the rapper, who was photographed on the red carpet with girlfriend Amber Rose earlier in the evening, was kicked out of the ceremony shortly thereafter. (Source)

Well done. No, really, you handled that phenomenally well. Dude, just because the person you picked to win didn't really doesn't give you the right to tell off a girl 12 years younger than you. Honestly, where the hell are Matt Stone and Trey Parker when you need to verbally bitchslap someone back down?

Here's Taylor looking all sweet and adorable with the award SHE DESERVED TO WIN:

Here are The 20 Most Bring Films of...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... (Pajiba)

There is absolutely no better way to commemorate the memory of a loved on than by turning their home into an amusement park, right Jackson family? (Yeeeah!)

Seriously, I cannot be the only one who is totally weirded out by Taylor Momsen here. (The Blemish)

I will overlook the fact that this is a PETA video, if only because it has the fucking Bear Jew in it, and I want his Matzah Balls (HEY-O!). (Seriously? OMG!)

Today's sign of the apocalypse: Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell are teaming up for a reailty show. You may want to stock up on bottled water and canned soup. (Celebitchy)

Justin Timberlake is a fucking pussy, and should probably stick with Mike's Hard Lemonade or some shit like that. (Celebslam)

Matt Damon is on the cover of Esquire, and he taught little kids in India how to poop. Ummmm...what? (HollyWire)

Goddammit Gwen Stefani, eat a fucking sammich already. You look like a friggin' twig. (CelebSmack)

I'm pretty sure her new movie is going to suck goat scrot, but you gotta admit, Kate Beckinsale looks pretty damn good. (usemycomputer)

Everyone laugh at Chris Brown's community service! Because he's a fucking asshole! (Celeb Jihad)

Ellen is getting sued for her dancing, but not quite for the reasons you would think. (Allie is Wired)

When I first saw Fergie's outfit at the Black Eyed Peas' NFL opening kickoff show, I said to myself, "Just what in the crap is this retarded horseshit?" But then after I thought about it, I realized that that's probably just her genius way of disguising an "adult maximum absorbency" product. You never know when the old stagetime incontinence is going to hit, so it's best to always be prepared for those situations.

La Toya Jackson went on 20/20 to speak with Barbara Walter's about her brother's funeral, because when you're a Jackson, death in the family = ca-ching! At any rate, apparently her brother made a fabulous-looking corpse. The trick is to age 'em for 3-4 months.

La Toya Jackson says her brother Michael looked "absolutely fabulous" when he was laid to rest last week. In an interview on ABC's "20/20," she tells Barbara Walters that the King of Pop was dressed in white pearl beads and a big gold belt, "like a belt that you win being a boxer."

"His hair was done beautifully, his makeup was done beautifully," she says. (Source)

He was wearing pearls and a boxing belt? So basically, Dead Michael Jackson looked like a cross between Elizabeth Taylor and George Foreman, only obviously more on the shriveled old white woman side. It sounds like it must have been a lovely service.

Mickey Rourke was leaving a nightclub in London last night when he bought a rose from a homeless man and then proceeded to bite the rose off the stem and then spit the petals at photographers. I have no explanation as to why he did this, and quite frankly, I don't think even Mickey Rourke knows why Mickey Rourke does the things he does. If he ever sobered up long enough to figure it out he'd probably just be confused as to where all the pay phones went and why gasoline costs so much.

The NY Post is reporting that Shawne Merriman's choking attack on Tila Tequila may have been started over a fight after he tried to get her to have a foursome with him and two other (obviously classy) ladies.

According to 10News.com, Tequila walked into the bedroom of the house she shares with the NFL star, where she saw him with two women. After Merriman asked her to join them, Tequila stormed out and threatened to have sex with one of his friends, after which Tequila claims Merriman choked her and threw her to the ground. He denies the choking charge and maintains that Tequila was intoxicated and he was simply trying to prevent her from driving drunk. (Source)

Well this story is obviously a fake, because the only problem Tila Tequila would have with a foursome is if somebody forgot to order the elephant and swimming pool full of tapioca pudding beforehand. Like you can really have a proper orgy without 5000 lbs. of pudding. Please.

In L.A. outside of a nightclub last month:

Halle Berry + Bikinis + Great White Sharks = Your Welcome, Earth. (Pajiba)

How does Pamela Anderson stay so youthful? Melanoma! Because who needs things like "health" or "well-being" when you're tan! (Yeeeah!)

Ashlee Simpson puts the bitch in "Shut the fuck up, you passive aggressive bitch". (The Blemish)

It's official: Sex and the City 2 isn't even out yet, and I already fucking despise everything about it. (Seriously? OMG!)

There's only one person in the world who could ruin Asian cooking, so you better believe Gwyneth Paltrow took a big, steaming GOOP all over it. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan's voicemail got hacked, because as we all know, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking idiot. (Celeb Jihad)

Paris Hilton and Lauren Conrad got facials! Which is something you probably hear, like, every fucking day. (BricksAndStones)

Kim Kardashian pretends to be the only woman dumber, faker and more plastic than she is: Barbie. (Agent Bedhead)

To the shock and awe of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO ONE, Jon Gosselin got dumped by his "bisexual" girlfriend. (POTP)

Eliza Dushku sucks some invisible boner on the set of Dollhouse. NOW will you watch it? (Superior Gossip)

John Mayer took to his twitter page to refute some recent internet rumors that he's banging "The Hills" Kristin Cavalari, and naturally he did it in the most sophisticated and gentlemanly way possible. Oh, I'm sorry, I actually meant to say "douchey" and "obnoxious."

Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman...I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.

I'm sure she's a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.

My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.

I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.

Well maybe he didn't high-five her vagina with his penis yet (has he ever really made sex with a girl?) but just wait til she reads that. Usually a girl only hears that kind of sweet talk in romance novels and Richard Gere movies. If my own melting panties are any indication, then trust me -- they'll be tasting the Skittles Rainbow together in no time.

Kristen Cavalari at the Nylon TV issue launch party last month:

Ellen DeGeneres, for some inexplicable reason, has replaced Paula Abdul as the fourth "American Idol" judge, despite having no background in the recording or music industry at all whatsoever. Although from what I hear, she is really good at dancing, so I guess that qualifies her.

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol," DeGeneres says. "I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote." (Source)

This is a milestone since Ellen will mark the first time "American Idol" has had an openly gay judge on the show -- since previously they only had Simon Cowell, who was the first closeted gay judge on "American Idol."

Ellen and Portia looking totes magotes adorable at the Daytime Emmys:

Katherine Heigl announced on Friday's "Ellen DeGeneres" show that she and her husband Josh Kelley have started to go through the process of adopting a 10 month old baby girl, which they plan to call "Nayleigh." Unclaimed orphan babies everywhere just breathed a sigh of relief. She says:

"It is a little girl and she'll be 10 months at the end this month," she said. "She was actually born the day before me in November, which I thought was really serendipitous and just kind of like a sign. I realized just recently that I basically forfeited my birthday for the rest of my life." (Source)

I actually had to read that through a couple of times before I understood what she meant about having to "forfeit her birthday." Like, as in, her new daughter is going to totally upstage her in being the birthday girl. Who even thinks something like that much less says it aloud? Jesus this poor kid is going to suffer. I just hope she doesn't happen to like wire hangers.

Josh and Kate shopping in Hollywood last month:

If you haven't heard, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden welcomed the 7lbs. 14oz. Sparrow James Midnight Madden yesterday -- a boy if that weren't abundantly clear -- and now they've taken to twitter to gush about their little bundle of joy.

"What a great day to come back on Twitter," Richie, 27, writes. "Thank you everyone for your well wishes. I love my family!!"

Madden, 30, is equally excited. "1st day of his life & my son is already a trending topic on twitter," he Twitters. "That's right son, ur just like your old man." (Source)

Just like his old man? I didn't know babies could be douchebags. But when your name is Sparrow James Midnight, I guess that's just kind of implied. Just ask Bronx Mowgli, I hear that kid was literally birthed from an embryonic sack of lightly spring-scented vinegar water.

It's No Whining Wednesday, so check out some zombies! Hells yeah! (Pajiba)

Behold Tyra Banks' real, totally not a weave at all hair and tremble...Tremble with fear! (Yeeeah!)

You know, I usually think Lily Allen is adorable, but YOWZA girl is looking full-on hot as hell nowadays. (The Blemish)

Holy shit, y'all, Glee is back! Time to own your gay, mothahfuckahs. (Seriously? OMG!)

Miley Cyrus is gonna be in the next Sex in the City movie! Seriously, it's like they're actively trying to make me hate this fucking movie. (Celebitchy)

I have no idea who this woman is, but look boys, it's Jenna Haze in a bikini! You're welcome. (Celebslam)

Britney Spears covered that Alanis Morissette song about that guy from Full House. (HollyWire)

Captain Syphilis is still dating that chick, in case you were wondering. He'll probably dump her next week though! (CelebSmack)

Look everyone, it's Hermione at the most magical school ever: Brown. *Drum Roll* (usemycomputer)

The Kardashian sisters totally hate each other and they all hope the others die, as do we all. (popbytes)

Milla Jovovich whips out her crazy-ass titties for Purple Magazine. Yeah, I've never heard of it either. (Celeb Jihad)

So, filming for Sex and the City 2: Even Older is well underway, and spoiler altert! This happens. If you've ever wondered what Dee Snider's grandmother looked like, well, it's actually not at all like this. She was actually a perfectly lovely, matronly woman, whereas this is just some old broad wearing a Dee Snider costume. Mystery solved!

The good folks at Playboy have reportedly extended an offer to Kate Gosselin -- because having their parents messy divorce played out in the media wasn't enough to throw the Plus Eight's world into fucking upheaval -- someone thought it'd be a fantastic idea to have their mom plastered naked in a national magazine.

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn't plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag.

"Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away!" a source told Star Magazine. "She didn't think it was appropriate because of the children." (Source)

Playboy must be getting really fucking desperate. First they let Heidi Montag pose with her clothes on and now they're making offers to a woman with a stupid Flowbee haircut who's stomach literally looks like it was reconstructed out of silly putty after six babies came out of it. If I wanted to see those things, I'd just open an Us Magazine. I guess we'll know why, anyway, if Playboy starts their own Fashion Police and "Stars, They're Just Like Us!" columns.

More of Kate Gosselin at the beach, which is more Kate Gosselin than you'd ever want to see:

Bad news, pervs. Megan Fox says that she'll never make a sex tape. Not for the logical reasons, though, like it will almost definitely get leaked online and everyone will see it or that David Silver would almost definitely be participating -- but because she doesn't want to look at a big fatty like herself having sex. Her words, not mine.

"Ugh, never!" the Jennifer's Body star, 23, tells MTV News. "That's the last thing I want to see — what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex." (Source)

And everyone always wonders why girls hate Megan Fox so damn much. I'm pretty sure the chick was scientifically born without a ribcage. She wouldn't look like a hippo having sex if she was literally wearing a hippo costume and having sex in it. If I looked like Megan Fox, I wouldn't make a sex tape, I would tape myself every time I had sex. Just because I could. So in conclusion, shut your fucking face Megan Fox.

Fatty McFatterson in the September issue of Wonderland magazine:

Here are the Top Five Most Seriously Effed Up Movie Premises of Al-OH SWEET HOLY JESUS *BLAAAAAAAAARGH!* (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan sucks. Get it? Because she looks like a vampire? Oh shut up, I had a late night. (Yeeeah!)

All I can say about this is HOLY CRAP ROSE MCGOWAN LOST PART OF HER ELBOW HOLY SHIT DUDE. (The Blemish)

Goddammit Jennifer Garner, you and your daughter better stop being so friggin' adorable already, it's starting to tick me off a little. (Seriously? OMG!)

Gasp, Lady Gaga did coke? Well, this really shouldn't be too surprising, considering the size of her nose. (Celebitchy)

Here are some spoilers from the next Sex and the City movie, as if you need another reason not to see it. (BricksAndStones)

No, seriously, cosplay ruins fucking EVERYTHING. Even Kirsten Dunst. (Agent Bedhead)

Oh goddammit, there are new posters for the next crappy Twilight movie. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. (POTP)

Oh yeah, nice to see Naomi Campbell continues her tradition of being a Class Act. (Superior Gossip)

Sometimes I wonder how Katy Perry got to be so famous for being such a sucky bag of annoying suck, and then I see photos like this and the answer is as clear as the breasts on my face. I mean, the nose on my breasts. Or, the breasts on my breasts. See? I bet you've already forgotten what a shitty singer Katy Perry is.

At the Los Angeles Warped tour this weekend:

In addition to being a rapist, tax evader, female-assaulter and overall terrible human being, it turns out that Joe Francis is also an Indian giver. TMZ has unearthed a 911 call from Francis' ex-girlfriend Abbey Wilson, after he sent his assistants to her home with a moving truck to pick some some gifts he had given her when she refused to corroborate his story lie for him in regards to his alleged attack on Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole.

Francis tells TMZ his assistant did indeed pay a visit to Wilson -- along with three other dudes with a moving truck -- and took furniture -- including, ironically, a love seat -- and other stuff away. LAPD officers arrived and acted as peacemaker and allowed Francis' people to haul some of the property away.

Francis tells us he was frustrated because Wilson was "lying" about what went down in the bar. A few hours before the friendly movers arrived, Francis sent Wilson a text message laying out what he says happened, but apparently Wilson wasn't biting. Francis says he was pissed, because while he was seeing Wilson he says he gave her a fortune in stuff -- $100,000 worth of clothes, a Mercedes, a Rolex, even the house she was living in. (Source)

So basically, what Joe Francis is saying is that if you buy expensive gifts for a woman, she's morally obligated to lie for you, under oath, in a court of law. I've heard of the whole "putting out after being treated a nice dinner" standard before but this is new to me. Or you know, in Joe Francis' case, "lying perfectly still after being treated to a half a bottle of tequila and handful of roofies."

Aubrey O'Day, former singer of Danity Kane -- which are respectively a person and band that I try not ever to pay attention to (seriously, they are on my radar even below the stupid fucking Pussycat Dolls) -- has come under fire for dying her dog, a 1-year-old Teacup Maltese named "Ginger."

"She likes to have looks," O'Day tells Usmagazine.com. "It actually seems like such a taboo weird thing nowadays, but if you research online, you will see a whole underworld of dogs who are dyed."

O'Day — who is working on a natural dog dye — tells Us she makes sure her vet approves any of the dyes she uses. She changes her dog's appearance "for different occasions," she says. She recently dyed her dog green because, O'Day says, she "loves the [Boston] Celtics." (Source)

I don't care what she says, if you dye your fucking dog stupid goddamn colors you should have your pet ownership rights revoked, indefinitely. There's also a whole "underworld" of people who like to steal 11-year-old girls and keep them prisoner in their backyards for decades at a time, but that doesn't mean that's OK either.

More of O'Day and her poor stupid teacup whatever at a Fashion Week event in February:

Tila Tequila made a citizen's arrest against her supposed boyfriend, San Diego Chargers boyfriend, Shawne Merriman, early Sunday after he allegedly choked her and refused to let her leave his home. Merriman however, has a different recollection of events.

But a lawyer for Steadman denies the allegations, telling the San Diego Union Tribune, "At no time did Mr. Merriman assault her; at no time did Mr. Merriman keep her against her will."

His lawyer says Steadman was only trying to keep an "extremely intoxicated" Tila safe when he attempted to prevent her from leaving his home.

But Tila shot back on her Twitter page, writing: "I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink." (Source)

In cases of domestic or sexual assault, I pretty much always take the woman's side, no matter what. But since this is Tila Tequila we're talking about -- a vile, horrible stain on human existence -- I really don't know who to believe. But I do know that if Tila Tequila wanted to name herself ironically, she should have gone with something more apropos, like "Tila Clean Genitals" or "Tila Not a 12-Year-Old Vietnamese Boy Prostitute."

At the MuchMusic Video Awards in June:

Well, Stacey will be back next week, so for now, I leave you with Abs. Glorious, glorious abs. Happy Labour Day, motherfuckers!

They're making a sequel to The Hangover, and here's what the basic plot is going to be about. (Pajiba)

A Jon and Kate Porn Parody? Awwww, thanks a lot, I just puked all over my laptop. (Yeeeah!)

Chris Brown said Oprah's episode on Rihanna was a slap to the face. You know what else was a slap to the face? The one you gave to your girlfriend. (The Blemish)

When the hell did Susan Sarandon become Dustin Hoffman in drag? (Seriously? OMG!)

Joe Francis says he's above Brody Jenner. On the Douche Scale, certainly... (Celebitchy)

It took a couple drinks, but Scary Spice has officially become Drunkey Spice. (Celebslam)

Oh look, Demi Moore and Perez Hilton are having an Ass-Off on Twitter. Hooray? (HollyWire)

Oh look, it's the old one on set of Sex and the City 2. No, not that one, the other one. (Celeb Smack)

Whooooooa, you could practically go spelunking in the chasm between Jessica Simpson's boobs. (Celeb Jihad)

Now that Sarah Palin is out of office, presumably so that she shoot wolves from a helicopter and keep an eye on Obama's Death Panels, Levi Johnston, the guy who knocked up her then underage daughter Bristol, is finalizing an agreement to pose for Playgirl Magazine. Yeah, apparently Playgirl still exists. Who knew?

"There are people out there that want to see such a shoot of Levi and we are ready to do it if the proposal is right." The only hitch, Levi's not willing to do a nude shoot, only pose in his skivvies.

And since a nearly nude Levi is better than no nude Levi at all, Playgirl's down and there's an agreement in place to do the shoot. They're in final negotiations to get the thing together right now. (Source)

A quick couple things: First off, your undies? That's it? Oh come on, the only reason people care about you is because you're hot and you impregnated the daughter of the crazy poor man's Tina Fey. Second, PLAYGIRL? You chose Playgirl over Unzipped? Christ man. You know who's on the cover of Unzipped right now? Francois Sagat and Erik Rhodes. Know who's on the cover of Playgirl? No one. Because they're too poor to print magazines.

Captain Underpants at the launch of Women Online Worldwide, as well as we he turned down:

There's a time and a place for Tweeting: At home, on a bus, in an impossibly long three-hour Anthropology...It's a pretty long list. You know what a bad place to Tweet is? Michael Jackson's funeral. Sadly, Al Sharpton apparently didn't get the memo, as he spent literally the entire time posting little 14-character messages on Twitter.

Doing his best to ensure that the friends and family-only service of the King of Pop was, in the end, not such a private moment after all, Sharpton tweeted his way through last night's long-awaited, star-studded and camera-prohibited interment of Jackson.

"I am sitting at the burial services of michael jackson," the man of the cloth announced on his Twitter page. "I am talking to actress lisaraye mc coy…and tom mesereau.

"Tom represented MJ in the molestation case. We are all discussing his battles. This is a real moment for those who witnessed what he"—dang, character limits strike again. (Source)

Hey, that's totally logical. What better way to honour the recently deceased than by making sure that everyone you know can vicariously experience a ceremony the family requested by private? Hey, while you're at it, why not do what Joe Jackson did and plug your record company or some shit like that? Cuh-lassay.

Now granted, we gossip bloggers tend to get away with quite a bit. For the most part, the people we mock tend to take it pretty well. Occasionally, someone gets called out (or punched in their stupid face), or in the case of Russel Crowe, invited out for a bike ride after a reporter took a few cracks at his workout routine.

Russell Crowe, not exactly renowned for his loving relationship with the media, fought back at an Australian gossip hound's less than complimentary take on his workout regime after photos appeared of him this week supplementing his regular 13-mile bike ride with smoke breaks and tacos.

So what did he do? He didn't throw a phone, write a poemor start a Twitter war (ahem). He simply challenged Judgy McColumnist to accompany him, video camera in tow, on one of his rides. (Source)

Honestly, that's pretty impressive for a guy who would, if it were legal, forcibly lobotomize a man for looking at him funny. Seriously, good on the guy for taking a shot like that and having some fun with it. Just never call his ability to dial a phone into question. That might not end quite as well...

Despite numerous pictures floating about the blagonets depicting Lady Gaga with either a really bad tuck job or the biggest camel toe since Peaches' first album, Gaga went on the record to say that know, she is not secretly smuggling extra bits in her annoyingly sparkly panties. Because you were probably just dying to find out what was in there, weren't you?

Lady Gaga has branded claims she is a hermaphrodite "ridiculous".

The 'Poker Face' singer furiously denied rumours she has both male and female genitalia, insisting the speculation has gone beyond a joke.

The 23-year-old star told Australia's Matt and Jo radio show: "It's too low brow for me to even discuss. I've made fun of it before but to talk about it is ridiculous." (Source)

You see? Lady Gaga doesn't have a penis. Actually, I kinda doubt she has a vagina either. She's probably some sort of cyborg sent from the future to annoy humanity to death with her dumb fucking clothes and her irritatingly catchy songs. In five years, we'll either be her slaves, forced to build statues in her honour, or we'll be dead by her stupid, glittery hands. Don't trust that bitch.

Here's Madame Kielbasa in Tokyo:

The things you never think you'll hear yourself say...or type. Whatever. Point is, Gerard Butler decided to play a prank on the directors of his new movie Gamer by sending them half a dozen donuts, then by sending them a picture of himself with a different bunch of donuts between his ass cheeks.

He explained: "I wrote to the two directors on 'Gamer' separately. I wrote that me and the stunt guys are having a blast and sent them half a dozen doughnuts each as a thank you. They were so chuffed.

"The next day we got six fresh doughnuts and shoved them between our a*s cheeks... and took a Polaroid. We sent this snap to the directors and sure enough, they thought they'd been eating the very same sugary treats. They were freaked out man." (Source)

Yup, donuts. Up his butt. I gotta admit, the idea of holding a doughnut between your butt cheek sounds uncomfortable. For reals, they'd be all greasy and doughy and you'd probably end up with glaze all over your tuchus. All I'm saying is, out of all the things you could put in your butt, donuts are probably not the best idea.

Here's Mr. Doughnut Hole on the set of The Bounty:

The Good News: Mike Judge's Extract is hilarious. The Bad News: It's probably one his weaker films. (Pajiba)

Eli Roth is now ranked higher on IMDB than Brad Pitt, probably because of his gigantic Jewish schlong. (Agent Bedhead)

I'm not saying Pete Wentz is gay or anything, but the guy can tell the flavour of a popsicle just by sitting on it. (Yeeeah!)

Good news for people who love terrible television and boobies: Blake Lively slipped a nipple. HAHA! Dangly Bits. (The Blemish)

Attention ladies and like-minded men: The line for Daniel Craig Moustache Rides forms on the right. (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox continues to her epic quest to publicly tear Michael Bay's minuscule penis off. (Celebitchy)

Way to go, unemployed white women who have too many kids for no discernible reason. Way to ruin motherhood, assholes. (Celeb Jihad)

Katherine Heigl is temporarily leaving Grey's Anatomy, possibly to eat more puppies. (BricksAndStones)

Lindsay Lohan will straight up steal your baby and give it some form of VD. (POTP)

Keanu Reeves, who like it or not will forever be known for The Matrix and absolutely nothing else, is set to take a paternity test to prove that he is not the father of four sons, who are now all in their 20's. No offense to the mother here, but really? You wait until they're in their 20's to whip out the "Oh by the way, Neo might be your dad" bit? Come on...

KEANU REEVES has agreed to take a DNA test after a woman claimed he's the father of her four grown-up children.

Karen Sala, who is seeking millions in spousal and child support from the Speed star, filed suit against Reeves in May (09), seeking a paternity test to prove he fathered her offspring, who are all now in their mid-20s. (Source)

I somehow don't really see Keanu Reeves being the father here. No offense, but he doesn't exactly strike me as the type smart enough to figure out how vaginas even work. Hell, his sperm would probably just float around in there, being all like "Duuuuuude, what do we do now?" Seriously, fuck a stoner. You'll be glad you did.

In what can really only be described as the most ill-advised celebrity tattoo, like, ever, David Beckham is going to be getting a tattoo of, honest to God, Ellen Degeneres. No, really. As in "Permanently etched into his skin. With ink". I somehow see this ending badly. Can we just, you know, not do this?

David Beckham is set to get a tattoo of Ellen DeGeneres.

The US TV talk show host has urged the British soccer star - who already has several inkings on his body - to consider a new etching in tribute to her.

When Ellen made the suggestion, David laughed and replied: "I'm very tempted." (Source)

Is it possible to like tattoos, and like Ellen Degeneres, but not like tattoos of Ellen Degeneres. I mean, admittedly, it could be WAY worse. You could be like one of those dumbass sorority chicks who gets their a tramp stamp of their boyfriend's mispelled name. Or you could be like that guy who got a tattoo on his butthole. Seriously, how does he poop?

Here's David at the unveiling of the Armani Campaign:

Lisa Loeb, a woman I'm entirely convinced is made candy, sunshine and love wearing a pair of sexy librarian glasses, is preggers. This is the first child for both her and her husband Roey Hershkovitz, AKA That Lucky Bastard.

Singer Lisa Loeb and her husband Roey Hershkovitz are going to be parents, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.

"They're excited to welcome their first child this winter," says Loeb's manager Janet Billig Rich.

Loeb, 41, and Hershkovitz , 31, a music production supervisor for The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, met in 2006 at a business meeting and were engaged last November. (Source)

Hmmmm...just a question, but what exactly do you get Lisa Loeb's baby? I mean, knowing Lisa, the house is probably already covered wall to wall with Hello Kitty merchandise, and she probably gets serenaded to sleep every night...What about a martini shaker? Babies like martini shakers, right? I'd make a great parent.

Here's Lisa at a Tom Davis event:

Despite the fact that everyone and their dog seems to think that Heidi Montag is a talentless skank, someone has finally come to the support of Heidi. Well, someone who isn't Spencer, anyway. Miss USA defended Heidi's performance, and even went so far as to say she liked it, thus furthering the stereotype that all beauty pageant contestants are gigantic fucking idiots.

"I thought it was pretty good because she's known as being a reality TV star, so it's cool that she came out as a performer, as a dancer and singer," Dalton, 22, tells Us.

"I thought she did a great job as a performer," adds Dalton of Montag, 22.

Montag says she hopes her first performance helps her become become the next Britney Spears "career wise." (Pratt even donned a flesh-colored body suit that is similar to the one Spears wore for her 2000 MTV VMA performance.) (Source)

Oh God, really? How low do your expectations have to be to think THAT'S appealing in any discernible way? Watching Heidi's performance was like sitting through a really uncomfortable 5th grade talent show. Except most fifth graders don't have huge fake tits and can actually count past five without having to be admitted to the hospital with a collapsed brain.

Because posting pictures of Heidi or Spencer makes me violently ill, let's all look at Chris Rockway and try not to think about either of them:

Wow, Chris Brown REALLY sucks at apologizing. After telling Larry King that he didn't remember violently beating the shit out of his girlfriend, Rihanna, he then said that the reason he did was because no one taught them how to love. Because the reason no one else beats their spouse is because they have some magical manual at home for situations like these.

"We're both young, nobody taught us how to love one another. No one taught us a book on how to control our emotions, our anger."

"I'm not trying to fall on the fact that I'm young," the 20-year-old singer added, his soft tone and blue bowtie only serving to emphasize his boyishness. "There's a lot of stuff I wish I could have changed that night." (Source)

Really? That's your best excuse? No one taught you how not to be a violent nut-job? Come the fuck on, dude. You don't learn shit like this. These things are kinda supposed to be a given, like "Don't play with fire" or "Don't slam people's faces against a car". If you honestly need someone to teach you stuff like this, you probably have bigger problems than just being a sociopath who dresses like that asshole Tucker Carlson.

Here's Rihanna hugging Tweetie at Six Flags Magic Mountain:

No. Just...no. Don't click here if you're suicidal or have a heart condition. (Pajiba)

Oh Goddammit, they actually brought back Sarah Jessica Parker's mole for The Sex and the City sequel. As if this movie wasn't irritating enough... (Yeeeah!)

Whitney Houston blames her crappy voice on Oprah, instead of, you know, the crack. (The Blemish)

Cate Blanchett took a prop to the back of the head during a live performance yesterday and ended up bleeding onstage. Ooooo, I've been there before. Yeowch. (Seriously? OMG!)

Gerard Butler wants everything deep fried and covered in chocolate. In related news, I want to fuck Gerard Butler. (Celebitchy)

WHOA did Kevin Federline ever get fat. Like ridiculously fat. Holy Christ! (Celebslam)

Oh. My. God. There are now pole dancing dolls. For kids. This is so wrong on so many levels. (HollyWire)

Kourtney Kardashian milks her pregnancy, much to the delight of the millions of people who want kids but can never have them. *Slow Clap* (CelebSmack)

Here's Diane Kruger. Because she's hot, that's why. (usemycomputer)

Tori Spelling's gigantic face is stuck in a loveless marriage. (popbytes)

All you need to be to become The Gosselin kids' new step mommy is blond hair and huge tits. Huzzah! (Celeb Jihad)

It's a bit of a slow news day, and I have to run out soon, so let's just make fun of Paris Hilton here, shall we? Here she is at Maxim's Hometown Hotties thing at Wasted Space. Which sort of strikes me as odd, considering that she is by no stretch of the imagination a hottie. Hell, I think the name of the club is actually a more apt description of her. Seriously, she's really just a waste of perfectly good space, isn't she? Theoretically speaking, if Paris Hilton didn't exist, that space could have been potentially used for Ice Cream. Or Puppies. Instead, she just stands there looking like some sort of syphilis-ridden disco ball. I hope you're proud of yourself, Paris.

If you ever have to travel down a dark alley with someone, do not go with Kevin Smith. 'Cause if you get mugged or attacked, he will straight up ditch your ass. No, seriously. During the filming of Dogma, he ditched Alanis Morissette when he thought they were being attacked. Seriously, he ditched GOD, people. GOD. Or at least, the person who played God in his movie. Kind of the same thing, right?

The film director was walking in Los Angeles with the singer-and-actress after they had been working on 1999 movie 'Dogma' when he feared they were going to be attacked.

He revealed: "While I didn't immediately push Alanis into the dude and run away, I separated myself from her. The chivalrous thing would have been me putting myself between her and harm's way, but I thought, 'She's a tough broad. I'm running and hoping that she's smart enough to run too.' " (Source)

I love Kevin Smith, I really do, but come on man, really? That's pretty harsh. Seriously, count your lucky stars Alanis didn't write a song about tearing off your balls. Though to be fair, Smith is fairly awesome (you know, when he's not leaving you to get shanked), so I guess this is one of those things that can be remedied over a Pabst Blue Ribbon and some Chinese Take-Out.

Oh my God you guys! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are engaged! Well, actually, they're not, but OK! Magazine needs to sell some of their shitty papers, and what better way than by baiting a bunch of obsessive pre-teen girls who don't quite understand that vampires are fictitious? And they wonder why print media is tanking.

"If Kristen is looking for Rob, she'll say, 'Has anyone seen my husband?'" an insider supposedly tells the mag. "And Rob loves to say 'Have you met my lovely wife, Kristen?' It's cute. They're like a couple of love-struck teenagers."

Something tells us that being "like a couple of love-struck teenagers" has little in common with a pair about to exchange "I dos." "Spending nights together in Rob's suite" in Vancouver is hardly cohabitating too. (Source)

Even though I actually find Pattinson and Stewart endearing, I really hope they never actually get together or anything. Something tells me that if they were to shack up, the ensuing tweener clusterfuck would create a blackhole of debilitating desperation that would destroy us all. It's true: Fangirls really DO ruin everything.

Bella and Edward at Comic Con:

You should all probably know by now that I simply adore Lily Allen. Absolutely love her. She's so cute and tiny and wonderfully bonkers...I just wanna dunk her in my $5 coffee! Aaaaaaaanyway, Lily Allen took something of a tumble onto her coccyx last month during a concert and was in so much pain, she worried she would have to have her legs amputated.
 

She says, "It was really the most painful thing ever. It was really horrible. I had one of my security guys with me, and he said he turned around and just saw these two feet sticking into the air.

"You know when you fall over your natural reaction is to get straight back up again? But I was in so much pain I thought I was paralysed or something. I mean, I really thought that I was going to have to have my legs cut off." (Source)

Yeesh, poor, adorable little thing. It's never fun busting ass and falling smack on your back. Especially when you've gone through an entire bottle of Pinot Grigio and the room's spinning and the goddamn hamburger just keeps fucking ringing...Not that I would know anything about that. No sirree.

Here is the most awesome person ever performing at the V Fest:

Oh God, am I ever sick of your shit, Spencer. Not only do you feel the need to walk around with an issue of Playboy 24/7, not shave your creepy-ass flesh-coloured pedo-beard, or generally act like a decent human being, you're now legally changing your name to "King Spencer Pratt". Congratulations, my good sir. You've disproved both Darwin AND the existence of a loving God. At the same time. Asshole.

And Spencer, himself, explained the reason behind his decision to legally change his name.

“I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America,” Spencer told Access. “And I have nominated myself for that title.”

Spencer’s rep told Access that “The Hills” star has not yet filed the legal papers to alter his name, but plans to this week. (Source)

Really? You're nominating yourself king of a democratic nation? Not only are you just an awful, awful person, but you're fucking dumb to boot. I truly do hope you die. Like, soon. Really soon. Horrific car crash, mauled at zoo by bears, self-immolation, I don't care, just PLEASE, for the sake of humanity, STOP LIVING.

The 2009 Scream Award Nominations are in. Click here only if you want to see how low the Horror genre has sunk. (Pajiba)

Oh God, there's about to be another Duggar in the world. This one will reportedly be driving out of the womb in a stretch limo. (Yeeeah!)

Just when you thought it was over, Britney Spears Bikini watch is back on! Now with added Jamie Lynn Spears! (The Blemish)

My God, there is literally someone in charge of keeping Pete Wentz' pants from falling down onstage. And you thought your job sucked. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's Sarah Jessica Parker on the set of Sex and the City 2, because obviously they would make another one of these. Goddammit... (Celebitchy)

You know, there's a reason why Kim Kardashian walks around with a metric fuck-ton of makeup all the time. This is why. (Celeb Jihad)

Amazing! We've finally found a job Paris Hilton is almost capable of doing! Well, almost. Actually, come to think of it, she'd probably fail at this too. (BricksAndStones)

Apparently, there are people out there aside from me who want to do dirty, unspeakable things to The Bear Jew. GET IN LINE, BITCHES! (Agent Bedhead)

Apparently, Amber Rose has been possessed by Cthulhu. All kneel before her creepy fucking eyes! (POTP)

Jon Gosselin continues his campaign for Father of the Year by hosting a pool party in Vegas. Nice job. (Superior Gossip)

Check out some interviews with Wolf Hudson, Julien Cox, Rob Romoni, Ian Duncan and Rocco Giovanni! Yeah, I know, shameless plug. Party foul on me. NSFW. (Gay Star Interviews)

Good news for people who love late night satire, exercise and space travel: Stephen Colbert is in space! Sorta! After winning a contest to have a node of the space station named after him, NASA instead named it Tranquility and offered Colbert a sort of consolation prize: A treadmill named after him. Thanks a heap, NASA.

After docking at the International Space Station Sunday night, astronauts on the Space Shuttle Discovery have unloaded that long-awaited treadmill NASA named after Stephen Colbert.

Dubbed C.O.L.B.E.R.T., the exercise machine, in typical space agency parlance, stands for Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. Its mission: to enable residents of the ISS to get a good workout as they go about their business of conducting science experiments in orbit. (Source)

Oh come on, really NASA? You could have named it after Serenity, and instead you went with Tranquility? TRANQUILITY? Boooo, you suck NASA. Not only have you not colonized Mars, but you missed a perfectly good TV reference to boot. Nice job, douchebags. Joss Whedon should kick each of you in your nerdy little balls.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, AKA the most beautiful couple ever that is not Brangelina, are expecting baby number two. Honestly, I'm a little surprised their first baby wasn't a kitten made of rainbows that ate love and pooped happiness.

The Oscar winner gave birth to baby daughter Nahla in 2008 and now she's expecting boyfriend Gabriel Aubry's second kid, according to America's Life & Style magazine.

The actress, who turned 43 on 14 August (09), is three months pregnant.
 
A source tells the publication, "Halle is overjoyed. The first time, she struggled so much to get pregnant and eventually conceived through in vitro fertilization. This time, the baby was conceived through artificial insemination. (Source)

There you have it people: In half a year, the most beautiful, glorious baby in the world will spring forth, showering the land sunshine and joy. Well, either that or it'll cry incessantly, shit in a diaper, and giggle adorably at Yo Gabba Gabba. Seriously, that show is THE BOMB.

With the VMAs looming dangerously overhead like The Sword of Damocles (only with shittier music), the question on everyone's mind is: Will Russel Brand make fun of The Jonas Brothers' dorky rings again? And will Jordin Sparks turn in a self-righteous bitch again? The answers to these are, respectively, "Maybe" and "When is she not?" Anyway, Nick Jonas weighed in on last year's show and the ensuing controversy.

“As far as his comments were concerned, what we said from the beginning was that he seemed to run out of material,” Nick said. “But if we’re the butt of his jokes, it’s kind of a compliment in a bizarre way.”

Nick, who will be filming a “Camp Rock” sequel in Canada with his brothers, Joe, 20, and Kevin, 21, while the VMAs are going on, said he thinks Russell’s return to the award’s show is a good thing.

“It’s great for him. He has form and ultimately he does a great job,” the teen added. (Source)

Well, listen to HER! Gotta love how he slipped in that back-handed compliment, then proceeded to go through more ass-kissing then a Channel 1 Releasing flick. Just remember kids, it doesn't count as sex if you do it in the ass! That's the American way!

The three-headed Cerberus of Pop at the premiere of Ponyo:

It's Official! Even Heidi Montag's friends think she's a talentless trollop. No, really. Audrina Patridge, who MTV PAYS to like Heidi's vapid, spoiled ass, called her out for her half-assed performance at The Miss Universe Competition, essentially saying that Heidi was disappointment to music lovers everywhere. HA! High-Fives all around!

Like many people who watched Heidi Montag's embarrassing lip-synching act at the Miss Universe competition, Patridge wasn't exactly impressed with her co-star's "Britney Spears-like" performance.

"I feel like Heidi, you know, she's doing it for fun, where a lot of singers and people, they work their ass off, and they actually have amazing voices and they can really sing and perform, and I feel like a lot of people don't get to experience what Heidi has, going on in front of a billion people and perform on TV," Patridge told People.com. "I just don't think she's taking it that serious, and that's what's kind of disappointing for me, for music lovers out there." (Source)

You know, I used to think Audrina Patridge was just another dumb trust fund baby. Actually, I still do, but now I just think she's less dumb than before.  Hell, if she goes all the way and slaughters the rest of the cast in a bloody coup d'état, I might even...like her. Ugh.

Here's Audrina Patridge throwing out the first pitch at a Dodgers Game:

In what can only be described as the most boring, asinine legal case ever, courts are siding with Paris Hilton in a court case between her and Hallmark cards, who used her likeness and stupid fucking catchphrase "That's Hot"* on one of their cards. Usually, this shit is protected as parody, but then again, Paris herself is something of a walking parody, and you just can't parody a parody.

Hilton sued the company in 2007 after it began selling without her permission birthday cards of a cartoon of a waitress serving a plate of food to a patron. A photo of Hilton’s face was pasted on the cartoon’s body.

Hilton alleges that the card ripped off her appearance as a waitress in an episode of her reality television show “The Simple Life.” (Source)

It's kind of a shame she doesn't approve of it, really. This would be the least embarrassing to her name, unless you count that time she died in House of Wax. Oh, the gave me the warm fuzzies all over. To be fair, she worked very hard to build her reputation as a vapid waste of a human being. You just can't put someone like that on something meant to bring good cheer!

*Ed's Note: I just barfed a bit typing that.