If you're planning on seeing The Collector, you should pretty much just kill yourself right now. (Pajiba)

Eminem has ED? Gasp. No way. And I always wondered why he was such a raging asshole. (Yeeeah!)

Oh look, Jude Law couldn't keep his junk on cock lockdown and now he's got a kid on the way with his baby mama. Nice job, dumb fuck. (The Blemish)

As if you need further proof that Megan Fox is a gigantic sack of crap, she totally snubbed Seth Rogen on Jimmy Kimmel Live. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan are pitching a show now. What part of "Go fucking die in a fire" do these two not understand? (Celebitchy)

Speaking of people who should die in a fire, J.Lo pissed everyone off at a party she threw recently, because that's just the kinda of person she is. (Celebslam)

Oh shut the fuck up, Ashton Kutcher. Please, for the love of God, just shut the fuck up. (HollyWire)

Lindsay Lohan dyed her nasty-ass weave blonde again. Choke on it. (CelebSmack)

Blah blah blah Romola Gari blah blah blah lingerie blah blah blah oh just go look at her tits already. (usemycomputer)

Oh my fucking God, what the hell is wrong with Lady Gaga's vagina? Sex with her must be like throwing a hot dog down sloppy, herp-ridden hallway. (Celeb Jihad)

Paris Hilton is the new face of Herpes medication. Literally. Honestly, I'm surprised that cesspool between her legs isn't on fucking quarantine. Someone please euthanize her. (Allie is Wired)

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Paris Hilton has reportedly gotten back together with my most favoritest of her douchebag boyfriends, the uberdouchtastic Doug Reinhardt.

"They are definitely happy again," a source close to the couple -- who called it quits in June after four months of dating -- tells Us.

On Monday, Reinhardt, 23, posted on Twitter: "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" The day before that, he wrote: "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl." (Source)

Let's hear it for love conquering all. You know what they say, personal differences may come and go, but a sexually transmitted disease can stay with you forever.

At the "Express Celebrates TXT L8TR Campaign" earlier this week:

The other Lohans, Dina, Ali and Boy Lohan, showed up at a Long Island radio station for some BlackBerry-related promotion, because I guess BlackBerry has just given up to the iPhone at this point and they no longer give a shit who represents their brand. And Jesus Christ, what is up with Dina Lohan? She was always haggard fabulous but now she looks like her BMI has dropped to like negative meth-point-oh. Hey Dina, that prostitute I saw on "COPS" called and she wants her Newport box with the tinfoil pipe hidden in it back. No really, that asshole officer confiscated it and tinfoil is expensive, dammit.

Now that Michael Cera is a Big Shot Movie Star, it's been reported that he's dumped his indie darling girlfriend Charlyne Yi, just as their new film, Paper Heart, hits theaters. Anyone want to play a game of Guess the Starletard he's banging next week?

A friend tells Star magazine, "He's been with her since before he was superfamous, and now all these girls fawn over him. He's itching to date other people."

Yi is said to be heartbroken and the break-up comes just as the pair begin a promotional tour for their new movie, mockumentary Paper Heart. The source adds, "Charlyne is beyond sad. And the break-up is so much harder because she'll have to see him on tour." (Source)

Oh, and if you weren't aware, Paper Heart is a fake documentary about love in which Michael and Charlyne actually fall in love over the course of the movie. So basically, this is pretty much the shittiest way anyone has dumped anyone, ever. On behalf of women everywhere, I'm already planning on rubbing a picture of Lindsay Lohan's face and herpes on the crotch of my Michael Cera voodoo doll.

Cutie Patootie Charlyne (sans Cera) at the Los Angeles premiere of Paper Heart earlier this week:

Remember how last month when I told you guys about Jessica Simpson's new VH1 reality show, "The Price of Beauty?" Well, in a delightfully ironic twist, it turns out that the price of beauty is actually $25,000. Per episode.

But VH1 isn't happy with her budget. "To get her camera-ready each episode will cost $25,000," said our source. "She insists on using her own hair, makeup and fashion stylists, who are more expensive than J.Lo's."

A VH1 rep said, "We never comment on what we spend or don't spend." Simpson's rep, Cindi Berger, said, "A budget was approved when the deal was made. All parties were satisfied." (Source)

Jessica does know that a reality show on VH1 is basically just like a step up from cable access, right? Anyway, all I know is that if I were Tiffany "New York" Pollard, I'd be pissed. I'm pretty sure her beauty budget was something like $18 an episode for Vaseline, double-sided tape and Lee Press-On Eyelashes.*

* Product may not exist.

My girl New York at a TYB Magazine event last November:

Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow went on Howard Stern's radio show yesterday and finally took Katherine Heigl to task for famously throwing Knocked Up under a bus. Awesome! Moreover, they had this to say about Heigl's current flick, The Ugly Truth:

"That [movie] looks like it really puts women on a pedestal in a beautiful way," he quipped on Howard Stern's SIRIUS XM radio show on Thursday.

Added Apatow, "I hear there's a scene where she's wearing ... Underwear ... with a vibrator in it, so I'd have to see if that was uplifting for women." (Source)

Well clearly, it was uplifting to women because Katherine Heigl was the star of it, and she's a modern champion of feminism. I think I finally figured out the equation here: Starring Katherine Heigl = Uplifting to women. Not starring Katherine Heigl but having her as part of an ensemble = sexist and/or possibly mean or cruel and/or not substantial material. My only question is I wonder if their comments will shame her into withdrawing her name from Academy consideration for her potential Best Actress Oscar for The Ugly Truth.

Heigl Schmeigl at The Ugly Truth premiere: (Editor's note: I love how the logo for the movie has the heart in the woman's head and in the man's penis. That is SO true!!!! LOLZ!!!11!)

A movie about slackers doing gay porn for shits and giggles? I DEMAND ROYALTIES! (Pajiba)

Whooooooooa, Miley Cyrus has a stalker, and dude is fucking INSANE. No, seriously, the guy is fucking banana-rama-bonkers-crazy-cakes! (Yeeeah!)

In case you're wondering, yes, Mel Gibson is still a GIGANTIC dick. Fuck you, Mel Gibson. (The Blemish)

Speaking of crazy anti-semitism, Roseanne dressed up like Hitler and baked little ginger bread...Oh. Ummmm...WHAT THE FUCK? (Seriously? OMG!)

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you aren't reading enough, so she took time out to take a big ol' pretentious GOOP on everyone. (Celebitchy)

Here are five potential jobs now that Sarah Palin up and ditched Alaska. Notably absent: Tina Fey Impersonator. (Celeb Jihad)

Pop Quiz! If Slut A and Slut B spend X amount of dollars on shoes, how long before someone FINALLY kills them? (BricksAndStones)

How the hell can so many sexy people be in one movie? IT MAKES NO SENSE! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh thank you God...Katherine Jackson was rewarded custody of Michael Jackson's kids. *Phew* (POTP)

Ever wanted to sorta see Ali Larter's ass cheeks? Well today's your luck day! (Superior Gossip)

Rachel Bilson continues to be an annoying, D-List knock-off of Mila Kunis. (IDWYL)

The entire "Saved By the Bell" cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkley, Tiffani Amber Thiessen and Lisa Turtle have reunited for People magazine. Yep, the entire cast. Because apparently Marty McFly hopped in the Delorian and made sure that Screech's parents never got together at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, hence, his existence never happened and he therefore no longer appears in the 1989 cast photo. Well, either that or they just photoshopped him out because of that whole sex tape thing. But I'd rather like to think that maybe Doc Brown's experiments weren't for naught after all.

Just yesterday I had to go and open my big yap about not knowing where the hell Heidi and Spencer have been lately, because if these pictures of them shopping for baby clothes are to be believed, they've been off having shitloads of unprotected sex. I really hope this is just another one of their retarded publicity stunts, because the thought of these two bringing children into the world is just unholy. When I think about what would make better parents than Heidi and Spencer, the first things that come to mind are sweatshop owners, a pack of hyenas, crackheads, Taiwanese sex traders, and Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Madonna's rep is firing back at this photo which hit the internet earlier this week, saying that Madonna doesn't really look like this, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary here and here and here and here and here.

The rep tells GossipCop.com, "Madonna's arms in the most recent photos have absolutely been altered by Photoshop or some other means."

And the singer's personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, has also condemned the snaps, insisting the Queen of Pop's physique is perfectly healthy.

She adds, "She's strong, healthy, and gorgeous. She looks like she's 18." (Source)

Eighteen? Eighteen?!?! If this bitch thinks she looks eighteen than, goddamn, she really is senile. Hey Madonna, Denial is a river in Egypt. And before you go booking a flight to Cairo -- no, sadly, it does not contain any kind of powers of youth restoration so you're wasting your time.

Crazed Shia LaBeouf fans have created a "religion" called Shiantology, in which they worship Shia LaBeouf, presumably by creating photoshop likenesses* of him spliced in with mostly images of Jesus, some other deities and Kevin Costner, inexplicably. I guess if you think about it, Jesus could walk on the water, turn water into wine, never had sex, (not ever) and saved the world by dying for the sins of our people. Shia LaBeouf saved the world from giant robots who could turn into automobles and did have sex -- with this chick, no less. If you think about it, is one really all that crazier than the other? Preach the word, Shiantologists!

* It's called the "blur" function, amateurs.

When asked by TMZ if she were planning to take back the $100,000 boat she purchased as a gift for Tony Romo before he dumped her, she replied that she's no "Indian giver." Except -- oops! -- that's kind of a bigoted term and Native Americans find it grossly offensive.

Jacqueline L. Pata, executive director of the National Congress of American Indians, tells Usmagazine.com Simpson isn't the only person who uses the word in a derogatory sense.

The concept of Indians giving and sharing with one another is where the term originated, she explains, but has somehow morphed into an insensitive phrase that stereotypes Native people as ones who give and then take back.

"Most people flippantly use the comment 'Indian giver' without realizing its true meaning, Pata tells Us. (Source)

That's strange... I mean, out of anyone I would expect to understand the history and sociological customs of the native people of our land, it would be Jessica Simpson. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that she doesn't fully comprehend the effects the Industrial Revolution had on modern society or that she doesn't know when the War of 1812 happened.

In the most seriously random "Seriously Random List" yet, here are "The Five TV Shows 40 Percent Of You Have Forgotten About, 40 Percent of You Never Heard Of, and 20 Percent of You Loved". (Pajiba)

Sure, his face might look like it's sculpted out of butter, but Michael Phelps looks pretty damn good from the neck down. (CelebSmack)

Oh isn't that nice, Chris Brown is now stalking Rihanna. What a charming young man he is. (Celeb Jihad)

Katy Perry got a tattoo, and it's as disgustingly cutesy as you'd think. *Hork* (Yeeeah!)

Have I said how much I love Channing Tatum and Charlyne Yi? I haven't? Well, I love them both so fucking hard. In the pants. (HollyWire)

In case you're wondering, yes, Adrian Grenier really is about as smart as you'd think he is. (The Blemish)

Joe Jonas broke down into tears in concert the other day. Cue the tweenage clusterfuck freak out in 3, 2, 1... (Seriously? OMG!)

Scarlett Johansson continues to throw salt all over Gwyneth Paltrow's wounds. GOOP about that, ya stuck-up dink. (Celebitchy)

Uh-oh, Fergie and Josh are having a rough patch! Is it because Josh is a better pole dancer than her? It is, isn't it? (Celebslam)

I have no idea who Olivia Wilde is, but she has some terrific legs. (usemycomputer)

Grace Jones may be 61, but she's still the perfect balance of fabulousness and complete and total batshit insanity. (popbytes)

Here's Christian Bale looking pretty fucking foxy on the set of his upcoming film, The Fighter. One thing you can never accuse Christian Bale of is not getting immersed enough in his film roles. Of course, one thing you can accuse Christian Bale of is butting in front of you in line at the Starbucks. But I have to warn you, he'll probably try to eat your face.

Kid Rock was asked if he partook in the social networking/micro-blogging twitter phenomenon, and the short answer is that he is decidedly above it. Unlike, say, Waffle House fights, of which he is still not above.

"It's gay. If one more person asks me if I have a Twitter, I'm going to tell them, 'Twitter this [bleep], mother[bleep]er,' " the shaggy-haired rocker tells Rolling Stone. "I don't have anything to say, and what I have to say is not that relevant. Anything that is relevant, I'm going to bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere." (Source)

I guess I can understand that. Considering that Kid Rock's singles consist of hits such as "Trucker Anthem," "You Never Met a Motherfucker Quite Like Me," "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp," and "Bawitdaba" -- I certainly wouldn't want him to waste any of his precious relevancy on twitter. Genius like that isn't infinite, you know.

The internet at large is declaring August 4th as a "Megan Fox Blackout Day" (uhhhh, done and done) because with all the recent overexposure, well, everyone is sick of looking at her stupid dead-eyed face and her stupid cartoonish body.

A dozen male-focused Web sites including AOL's men's lifestyle/humor site Asylum.com — as well as Ask Men, Just a Guy Thing and Double Viking — have sanctioned Aug. 4 as a Megan Fox media blackout day.

"You can have too much of a good thing," says AskMen.com's Editor-in-Chief James Bassil, who tells us, "We're joining in the media blackout and giving our readers a one-day reprieve from the woman we've been drowning in all summer." (Source)

A wise man (a.k.a. one of my college friends) once said, after getting his hands on a copy of one of the first "Girls Gone Wild" VHS tapes about a decade ago, one of the truest, most poignant things I've ever heard: "I never thought I'd get sick of looking at boobs." Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.

More from the Jennifer's Body premiere party at Nerd-Fest Comic-Con:

Oh, goody. Courtney Love has a twitter account now, and she took to it recently to pick on some teenage girls whom she's accusing of ripping off her style, such as "Gossip Girl's" Taylor Momsen.

"why does Taylor Whatsit deeply disturb me and why is the Blonde one from the verons or whatever they are clled wearing my actual clothes?" Love ranted in 140 characters or less.

But that's not all. La Love apparently isn't big on their style of music, either.

"[T]he chick from Goissip [sic] Girl and the verons girls arent actually playing ROCKMUSIC anyone takes seriousl.Itscrappy POP," Love asserted. (Source)

Next thing you know, she'll be accusing Nancy Spungen of ripping off her style. Even though Nancy Spungen happened like fifteen years before Courtney Love did, is basically still dead, and, oh yeah, the complete fucking opposite of that is true.

Taylor Whatsit performing with her band Pretty Reckless on her 16th birthday last night:

I don't know where the hell Heidi and Spencer are, because they haven't been photographed or heard from since they went all militia on everybody's asses. So instead, here is increasingly famewhorish Holly Montag to give some insight into her sister's upcoming Playboy spread:

"She's not nude," her sister Holly Montag told Usmagazine.com Monday at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic in Coto De Caza, Calif. "Her Maxim cover was so gorgeous and tasteful, and I know Playboy is going to be the same. It's really cool that she can be part of the Playboy family. I love it. I go up there all the time and play poker. I love the girls there, and it's very cool to be a part of that legacy." (Source)

Why on the hell would anybody buy a copy of Heidi Montag's Playboy if she's not even going to be naked in it, when a google image search for "Heidi Montag bikini" literally yields over 90,000 results? That's like buying a cow when the streets have been flooded with milk in some apocalyptic Bible-era type flood. And if that were to happen, just so you know, don't say that Heidi Montag didn't warn you or anything.

These stills from the upcoming adaptation of The Fantastic Mr. Fox can be summed up in one word: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (Pajiba)

Holy shit, is Captain Syphilis banging Gumby or something? Jesus H. Christ, dude. (Yeeeah!)

Another day, another step Lindsay Lohan takes toward complete and total batshit insanity. (The Blemish)

For those of you who think we're joking when we say Megan Fox has the acting range of a blow-up doll, well...Don't say we didn't try to tell you. (Seriously? OMG!)

In case you needed further proof that Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Gosselin are just generally awful human beings, they both have the same haircut. Coincidence? I think not! (Celebitchy)

Here are 15 Suggested Names for Octomom's Reality Show. Teeheehee...Hotdog Hallway...*snicker* (Celeb Jihad)

Remember that book Lauren Conrad "wrote"? Well, it might become a movie, too. Where's your Godtopus now? (BricksAndStones)

What better way to promote your movie than by GIVING AWAY THE FUCKING ENDING. Face, meet palm, palm, meet face. (Agent Bedhead)

On top of using fear and violence to bully the world into giving them what they want, The al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigade also have no sense of humour when it comes to Bruno. (POTP)

Miranda Kerr's boobies make me feel all gross and icky on the inside, and not just for the usual reasons this time. (Superior Gossip)

Who the hell takes Hayden Panneohwhatthefuckeveryouknowwhosheis bikini shots and doesn't even bother going below the belt? (IDWYL)

Hulk and Linda Hogan finally got their shit together, stopped acting like a couple of assholes and ended their long, ugly divorce battle this morning during a court hearing in Clearwater, Florida.

"We've reached a marital settlement agreement," Ray Rafool, Linda's attorney, told the judge.

Before the proceedings began, Hulk, whose real name is Terry Bollea, and Linda were spotted smiling, according to a local ABC affiliate. At one point, she even kissed his cheek.

"The war is over," Linda said after the hearing. (Source)

I have to say, although the terms of the divorce were not made public, I'm pretty disappointed with the way this went down. I personally was hoping for some kind of duel in which one or more parties would meet their gristly and untimely death. I say, what's good enough for Alexander Hamilton is good enough for the Hogan family. Well, except the part where Alexander Hamilton didn't get shot in the face with a dull bullet.

Hulk with his girlfriend and Linda with her boyfriend at a hearing last month:

Chris Brown took time out from a celebrity basketball game in New York City yesterday to pose with a couple local members of law enforcement, because that's just what kind of wholesome, all around good guy he is. Sadly, the cameras missed him helping an old woman across the street, rescuing a kitten from a tree and pleading on the phone with his agent not to drop him.

A veritable stockpile of Madonna's unreleased audio and video recordings and love letters to a former boyfriend, security guard James Albright, are going up for auction online. Because you can't retire early off of a bunch of stupid memories, right?

In the letters to Albright, Madonna frequently refers to herself as "Lil' Booty" and "Lola Montez" -- in honor of a famous mistress of King Ludwig I of Bavaria. Her nicknames for Albright include "Booty," "Ceasar" (sic) and "Sambo." In one fax, she writes to Albright, "Just watched the HBO special. It was OK. My booty looked good and you should see how good it looks in person. It looks Bootyful!" (Source)

Jesus. For someone so obsessed with the word "booty" I'm surprised she never found a way to, you know, turn it into some kind of hit single? All I know is that she must have been fucking kicking herself when Beyonce happened.

More of Madonna's personal and private things to gawk and laugh at:

Kevin Kederline -- whose fattishness is now worse than we previously thought -- shocked and horrified onlookers at the X Games Celebrity Classic with his fantastically immense girth.

At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, "Man, that's a belly on him! That's K-Fed?!?"

While other celebrities like Verne Troyer, Frankie Delgado and Josh Henderson participated in competitive activities, Federline, 31, spent some time with girlfriend Victoria Prince sitting on a shaded patio sipping vodka and orange juice cocktails and smoking cigarettes. (Source)

The best part of the story is that Verne Troyer, who is basically handicapped, was able to compete athletically but K-Fed couldn't get his fat ass off the patio. The only way this story could possibly be any more pathetic is if "Popozao" was somehow involved.

Kim Kardashian has confirmed that she and and her boyfriend, Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints, have split up. Oh, they were still together? I totally forgot since they're so boring and all.

"Nobody cheated," a source close to the couple says. "This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions.

"It was a totally mutual decision," continues the source. (Source)

I love how the gut reaction is to deny cheating. Like, okay Kim. No one accused her of getting peed on by another guy. And even if she were getting peed on by another guy, is that so wrong? Either way, there's lots of urine out there in the world, and she's still young. So let's everybody just cut her some slack.

At a "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" panel in Atlantic City last weekend:

Hey everyone! I'm back from my shoot in Toronto (Yeah, Stacey wasn't kidding about the gay porn part). Did you all miss me? Someone please say yes.

Will Arnett continues to take a steaming dump on the good will he earned from Arrested Development with a movie about fucking talking Guinea Pigs. (Pajiba)

Is Adrian Grenier smuggling a terrier in his ass crack or something? (Yeeeah!)

It's official: Avril Lavigne has become that annoying chick you knew in college who would suck your dick for a diet coke. (The Blemish)

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are officially the cutest couple EVER. No wonder the dude was a sex addict. Tea Leoni is rockin' it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow got her (lack of) brains and overall sparkling personality from her mother. (Celebitchy)

Megan Fox wants to taste Zac Efron. Let me save you the trouble by saying this: He probably tastes like wax and BoyButter. (Celebslam)

Ever wanted to see the infamous Diane Sawyer interview with Whitney Houston interview reenacted with puppets? You do now! (omg blog)

Fuck all you haters, Kelly Clarkson is fucking gorgeous as hell, and if given the opportunity, I would totally huggle her. (CelebSmack)

If you look closely, you can actually see little bits of puppy in between Katherin Heigl's teeth. (usemycomputer)

Ugh. There is so much cuteness in this picture of David Beckham, it just started raining puppies outside. (Lainey Goss)

Gee, what a surprise...Joe Jonas has broken up with yet another one of his beards. (Allie is Wired)

Oh, and one last thing...hate to toot my own horn here, but I just did an interview for a site one of my best friends just set up. Feel free to read up about myself and other adult entertainers here. (!NSFW!) (Gay Star Interviews)

Tony Romo has reportedly instructed security in his Dallas, TX gated community that Jessica Simpson is no longer welcome in his home. What a penis. Did it ever occur to him that maybe she doesn't want anything to do with him? Yeah, that's probably not true, but still.

A sign at the entrance reads: "RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN....JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS.

(Simpson didn't exactly want to stick around: The singer paid $19,000 on July 15 to ship 37 boxes worth of her belongings from Dallas to L.A. overnight, a source tells Us.) (Source)

I notice he says Jessica isn't approved for access but it doesn't say anything about Lindsay Lohan. Someone really should leave a trail of Red Bull and blow to his door and tell her Samantha Ronson in inside. That oughta teach him a lesson in manners. And, which kind of Neosporin works best to claw marks out of the face.

Brooke Hogan celebrated the launch of her new album "Redemption" with a party at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood this weekend. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Not that Hollywood -- the other, lesser known one in Florida. If you think about it they're practically the same thing, though. Really the only difference is the errant sightings of alligators and transvestites performing on stage who aren't dressed up as Liza Minnelli or Madonna.

Madonna was seen out in London last night with arms that no longer resemble human arms, but flesh-colored rain forest tree vines. Now, I'm not saying there's a cosmetic surgery procedure out there that can actually transplant your body parts with plant materials, but I am saying that Madonna has probably looked into such a thing at some point.

Candy Spelling sent out a memo to impartial news organization media vultures TMZ to address the season finale of her daughter's reality show "Tory & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood" in which she doesn't show up to her granddaughter's first birthday party. Here are some choice excerpts from the letter, which was addressed to "MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)":

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn't get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You're responsible for what you do. Life isn't just a show. And your families can't just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later. (Source)

When she puts it that way, Tori really does sound like a horrible person. Almost as horrible as someone who would tell their daughter that she killed her father. Basically, they are both horrible, horrible people. But what you have to remember is that this is the wife and daughter of the guy who created "Dynasty," "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Melrose Place." The odds of them not turning out this way are about as good as the odds of starting a family next door to a nuclear power plant and your kids having ten fingers and toes.

At the EB Medical Research Foundation Picnic last month:

Hey party peoples! Jeremy is doing some gay porn somewhere and I've got something going on (not porn related) so I'm cutting out early with these links. See you Monday!

Behold, the many faces of Katherine Heigl! (Pajiba)

Lake Bell and Alexa Davalos demonstrate the difference between porn and art. (Yeeeah!)

Mischa Barton is crazy, and the worst part is that nobody cares. (The Blemish)

We won't be seeing the end of the Saw franchise anytime soon. (Seriously? OMG!)

Tony Romo ditched that poor Simpson girl in an IHOP parking lot. Asshole. (Celebitchy)

OH SNAP! Angelina Jolie slams Megan Fox; makes me love her again. (BricksAndStones)

Quentin Tarantino is feeling grabby in the booble area. (Agent Bedhead)

Hayden Panettiere goes swimming with the fishes. (IDWYL)

Either Fergie is packing a giant, super-absorbency maxi pad, or she has testicles. (Superior Gossip)

Amy Winehouse continues to beat all odds (incarceration, death, etc.) by being cleared of all charges for assaulting a fan at a London charity ball last September.

The singer, 25, who had pleaded not guilty, remained poker-faced as Chief Magistrate Timothy Workman delivered his verdict at court three of City of Westminster.

He told the court that he "cannot be sure that this was not an accident. The charge is therefore dismissed and defendant discharged." (Source)

They can't be sure it was an accident?! Her hand, balled into a fist, reached out and punched the face of another person. That's like the difference between leaving a few drops of tinkle on the seat and writing your full name out in urine across the floor. Which happens to take a lot of skill if you're a girl, by the way. Trust me on that one.

Arriving at the Westminster Magistrates Court:

I always figured it was just a coincidence that both the Hiltons and Michael Jackson named their daughters Paris, because that's something rich, eccentric people do. But no, according to Paris Hilton, that was totally on purpose. What. The fuck.

Hilton tells TV show Extra, "My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name." (Source)

Why would ANYONE name their child after Paris Hilton? That's like naming your kid after herpes or chlamydia or fear or hate or Nazis. If anyone still had any doubts that Michael Jackson was completely fucking insane, this here should be enough to clear it up. I mean, that whole "wanting to be Peter Pan" thing was one thing, but this is just pure insanity.

Herpes Hate Hilton at the Paris, Not France screening with director Adria Petty: (Yes, as in, that Petty. Her dad must be so proud.)

Somehow, for reasons unknown to mankind, someone gave Heidi Montag Pratt a real singing job. Sure, it's at the Miss Universe Pageant, but still. Even if it was the Bumblefuck State Fair it would be well out of her league.

Heidi treated fans to snippets of her singing while in the Costa Rican jungle earlier this summer on “I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!” and viewers of the Miss Universe Pageant will get to check out what Heidi sounds like on the big stage on August 23.

Heidi will perform the song “Turn Ya Head” off her debut album, “Unleashed,” which came out in July. (Source)

This is going to be a total fucking disaster. The only way this won't be a disaster is if she flat-out lip syncs. It would also help if the track she's lip syncing to isn't actually sung by her -- and oh yeah -- maybe if it's not even really her on stage, but instead just somebody wearing a paper Heidi mask with holes cut out in the eyes. Just to be safe.

Awww yeah, bitches! Britney Spears in gonna be a totally free woman, in just three months and counting! And I for one, could not be more thrilled. This professional recording artist Britney is boring the shit out of me.

JAMIE SPEARS is reportedly ready to relinquish his conservatorship now his daughter appears fully recovered after her meltdown. He will ask the court to review the terms of his conservatorship once Britney's Circus tour concludes in November. (Source)

Fully recovered? I don't know about that. My dog is perfectly well-mannered and well-behaved as long as I'm around, but the second I leave it's pretty much assumed that she's gonna go Old Country Buffet-style on the kitchen trash. I guess what I'm saying is that it should be a good few weeks after the conservatorship ends before Britney is driving to Starbucks on a lawnmower wearing a bikini made out of tinfoil.

In Denmark wearing a shirt sans bra (naturally) with Jayden James on 07/11:

Just because it's been awhile since Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus were inappropriately photographed together doesn't mean that they still don't have a totally unhealthy father-daughter relationship. Apparently Billy Ray has set strict rules about Miley altering her appearance in any way. Umm ... OK?

She tells Us Weekly, "My dad won't let me fix my teeth or cut my hair. He loves it. He's like, 'It's you.'" (Source)

There comes a time in a girl's life when her father shouldn't have a say in what kind of hairstyle she has anymore. And that time is when a girl is born. Seriously, I've heard men say that women shouldn't cut their hair before, and it was almost always while watching "controlling boyfriends" episodes of the Sally Jesse Raphael Show. (R.I.P.) And even in those instances, the advice of the audience usually involved kicking something to the curb.

At the Hannah Montana Movie premiere in April; gross:

I normally avoid writing about the Gosselins, because I hate them. And not in a good, Paris Hilton or Spencer Pratt way, either. But this latest bit of news cannot be ignored. Jon has taken up with one of his new hoes, Star reporter Kate Major, in the Hamptons home of Lindsay Lohan's evil scumbag of a dad, Michael "Mesh Shirt" Lohan. Of course, Lohan was all too eager to talk to the press about it, because that's how he do:

"Kate has been like a daughter and...Jon and her are good friends," Lindsay's dad says of the duo, who have reportedly been in the Hamptons together for three days. "When they needed a place to relax, I opened my door."

"Jon is a great guy. All he does is to talk about his kids," Lohan says, adding that Major "only has his best interests at heart." (Source)

Wow, what a coincidence! All Michael Lohan does is talk about his kids, too. Of course, it's usually to "Extra" or "Access Hollywood," since I'm pretty sure he's not legally allowed to come within so many feet of them. These two already have so much in common, maybe they should start some kind of Father of the Year club.

Meshy at a "Celebrity" Boxing press conference with his fiancee last month:

Sam Raimi -- yes, that Sam Raimi -- is making a World of Warcraft movie. Ugh. (Pajiba)

Mickey Rourke got into a fight with a fence, because, of course he did. (Celebitchy)

Kendra Wilkinson gets her picture taken pregnant, in a bikini, while she's trying to eat. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Biel stays thin by basically laughing at the starving and homeless. (The Blemish)

Kevin Spacey tries to teach Letterman about twitter; Letterman unimpressed. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kiefer Sutherland made one small step for man, and one giant leap for the headbutters of the world. (Celebslam)

Katie Holmes and Suri resurface in Australia. (CelebSmack)

Here's new stills from Denzel and Gary Oldman's The Book of Eli. (usemycomputer)

Kate Gosselin and Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend supposedly haaate each other. (popbytes)

Some foreign journalist actually had the cojones to ask Brad Pitt about his sex life. (Lainey Goss)

Jessica Simpson was seen leaving a personal training session in Hollywood yesterday just a week and a half after her break-up with Tony Romo, and somehow this is news because she managed to do so without blubbering uncontrollably or snotting into a tissue and what have you. This is why is must really suck to be Jessica Simpson: It's actually news when she shows up somewhere not crying and/or looking fat.

OK, fine -- that's only one of many, many, many, many reasons why it sucks to be Jessica Simpson, but I was trying to be nice, for crying out loud.

Amy Winehouse is in negotiations to launch her own fragrance in a deal worth over $750,000, under the guidance of her father Mitch. Awesome! Now she'll have a bunch more money to spend on drugs again!

A source tells British tabloid the Daily Star, "Mitch is keen to license Amy's name to a perfume house. He has been in talks with manufacturers and contacted PR firms for advice. They want it to reflect her style with a classic smoky 1950s look and smell. Amy is keen to expand her brand and wants to latch on to the celeb perfumes bandwagon while she can." (Source)

By Amy's "smoky look and smell" I assume they mean "like the inside of an ashtray soaked in cat urine." Well hell, you don't have to spend your hard-earned money on some overpriced celebrity perfume to smell like that. Just spend a few hours in my great aunt Dolores' house. Totally free, and she'll even throw in some hard candy with the deal.

Amy at a -- what else? -- court appearance back in March:

Dumb Baldwin, (a.k.a. "Stephen") after reportedly being on the verge of losing his home while having mosquito larvae implanted under his skin in Costa Rica filming "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!," has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy with his wife Kennya.

Apparently the Baldwins' Upper Grandview home is worth $1.1 million, but they owe the bank $1.19 million and have outstanding debts of $890,000 to the IRS, $194,527 in unpaid state income tax and more than $70,000 to the credit card companies.

Their foreclosed-upon home was scheduled to be auctioned off Wednesday, according to the Lower Hudson Journal, which reported earlier this month that Baldwin was granted a 30-day postponement while he explored ways to make good on his defaulted mortgage. (Source)

On the bright side, this should make him a shoe-in for NBC's next big reality sensation: "I'm a Celebrity ... Spare Change For a Sandwich?" See now, you just gotta make lemonade out of those lemons. Well, if the bank doesn't repossess your pitcher, anyway.

Dumb Baldwin opening a "Planet Smoothie" in NYC's Penn Station back in May: (Hee!)

Brooke Hogan freshly waxed her mustache to celebrate her "Redemption" CD launch with a release party and signing yesterday at New York City's Virgin Megastore. Just kidding! It was actually at an FYE store (they still have those?) at the "Dolphin Mall" somewhere in Florida. Close enough. Anyway, you can see what a popular event it was. I'm betting that literally tens of people showed up for it. Of course, probably half of those people had to be turned away for carrying rocks and the other half just thought they might get on VH1, but hey -- a crowd is a crowd, right?

Check out this baby's expression in the first thumbnail. Yeah. We all feel that way, kiddo:

Guess what movie Nicolas Cage is going to shit on this time? (Pajiba)

Katherine Heigl is always bitching about something. (Seriously? OMG!)

Joe Jackson says he never laid a hand on Michael. I guess he can say that now since dead men ... Can't refute you refuting their tales. (Celebitchy)

Check out Sienna Miller's shitty G.I. Joe doll. (Agent Bedhead)

Bam Margera didn't OD on drugs... Just went on a four day drinking bender. (BricksAndStones)

Tony Romo's new lady is a washed-up 43-year-old actress. Upgrade? (Yeeeah!)

Everything is coming up Mischa Barton! (The Blemish)

Obama wears mom jeans and doesn't give a shit what you think about it. (POTP)

Denise Richards gets her slut on in cheap motel rooms. (Superior Gossip)

Won't someone give Mena Suvari a job?! (IDWYL)

David Byrne of the Talking Heads is writing a memoir chronicling his experience as an avid bicyclist, and in one excerpt of the book talks about almost running over Paris Hilton with his bike. Almost? Sounds like someone wasn't trying hard enough.

Writing in his forthcoming memoirs, Bicycle Diaries, Byrne recalls, "(Hilton was) holding her little doggy, crossing the street against the light and looking around as if to say, 'I'm Paris Hilton, don't you recognize me?' (New Yorkers) have enough brains not to walk in front of a truck, but they'll step right into the path of a cyclist, thereby initiating a game of urban chicken." (Source)

I'm also a city bicyclist and I fucking hate it when idiots step out in front of my bike. Although I usually brake or swerve (with a good dose of swearing) out of a preference not to get horribly injured and all. But with Paris Hilton I might take that risk. Of course, I'd also take the precautions of installing razor-sharp cattle horns to the front of my bike and staking out her hotel room. You can never be over prepared when it comes to bicycle safety.

At that idiot's civil trial for not promoting her movie on July 10th:

Reps for Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have denied engagement rumors after the New York Post reported that Kennedy spontaneously proposed during a comedy routine in Long Beach on Saturday night.

Kennedy was entertaining the crowd for over two hours before he pulled Hewitt up to tell jokes and sing. A witness relates that an audience member yelled out, "Marry her!" -- and Kennedy "got down on one knee and asked her to marry him." The glowing actress said yes even though he didn't have a ring. "It was a standing ovation," said our source. (Source)

Just a hunch, but something tells me that Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't the type of girl who enjoys being proposed to as a joke. Just like I know if I hold a raw steak in front of a tiger that turns out to be fake, it's probably just going to maul me to death instead. And I'd still take the large, angry predator over Jennifer Love Hewitt right now.

Needy McNeederson shopping in Los Angeles last month:

Lady Gaga appeared on a German television show last night wearing a coat made entirely out of slain Kermit the Frogs, with matching hat, naturally. Otherwise it would have just been tacky. You can't really hear what she's saying because some annoying German lady talks German over it, but whatever. Like I care. This bitch is like the Cruella DeVille of Muppets. All I can say is that the Snuffalupagus had better gather up her pups and run for the hills.

Wearing poor Animal from "The Muppet Show" last week:

Kevin Federline and his girlfriend, Stephanie Tanner-something or other, might be getting a reality show. That should end well. (See: Kevin Federline's last reality show.)

It's Britney Spears' wife-beater-loving ex-husband Kevin Federline, and he's eyeing a new reality program to show off his latest girlfriend, Victoria Prince, and (gasp) his two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, a source tells E! News.

"Victoria is a big part of the series," says the source. "They are not engaged, but she lives with him full-time in his place in Encino." (Source)

Well good for him, I say. Obviously his rap career is going nowhere and the Britney Spears gravy train has got to run out eventually. A guy's got to work. Peanut butter and bacon pies sure as hell don't pay for themselves.

K-Fat and Mrs. Fat at his birthday party last March shortly before he Kimberly Drummond'ed that entire cake:

The beacons of journalism over at TMZ obtained a tape of Chris Brown issuing a totally scripted apology for beating up Rihanna -- because I know if I wanted to express my most heartfelt expression of regret, I'd probably go the TMZ route too. If you can't stomach watching it either, here's a brief transcript of the beginning:

"Hi, I'm Chris Brown," he begins. "Since February my attorney has advised me not to speak out, even though since the incident I wanted to publicly express my deepest regret and accept full responsibility.

"Although I would do some interviews and answer some questions in the future, I felt it was time you heard directly from me that I am sorry. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make those around me proud of me, and until recently, I think I was doing a pretty good job. I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again, but unfortunately I can't."

What a load of fucking horseshit. Oh, I'm so glad Chris Brown finally spoke out. Unlike those other times he spoke out like when he put that clip on YouTube blaming the "haters" and saying that he's "not a monster," and, oh yeah, that time he released a song that was actually titled "It's Not My Fault." So good to hear his lawyer finally let him really open up on the subject. Oh, did I say lawyers? I actually meant record label. Because right now, having Chris Brown signed to your label is about as useful an an oil well that pumps diarrhea.

Danny DeVito is such a lovable drunk. (Seriously? OMG!)

TLC is shifting their focus from numerically big families to the other kind of "big" families. But don't worry, it's totally not exploitative. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan tries to ward off paparazzi with a water gun. Shame they're not, say, witches from The Wizard of Oz. (Celebslam)

That nice Demi Lovato girl is cutting again. I would be too if I were dating Miley Cyrus' freak older brother. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Simpson has a longstanding tradition of getting treated like crap by her boyfriends on her birthday. (The Blemish)

Cameron Diaz and Jude Law? Sure, I could see this. (Celebitchy)

People who call taxidermy a hobby are not right in the head. (omg blog)

MCA from the Beastie Boys has been diagnosed with throat cancer -- but the good news is it should be totally treatable. (CelebSmack)

Michelle Trachtenberg at a benefit concert for the Art of Elysium. (usemycomputer)

Eww, does Michael Jackson have a secret, actual sex-with-a-lady son? (Allie is Wired)

The promotional blitz for Iron Man 2 started last week with this Entertainment Weekly spread featuring Robert Downey Jr. and newcomers Scarlett Johansson and Mickey Rourke, but someone was noticeably left out. Probably because she's a really boring insufferable snob and no one wants to look at her.

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, "Gwyneth was afraid she'd be upstaged by Scarlett and not being in the campaign was the final straw. She is furious she's been left out."

However, a spokesperson for Paltrow has dismissed the reports, insisting the Oscar winner doesn't mind being left out of the posters: "She was not at all upset." (Source)

I don't know which to believe, the obligatory "Gwyneth Paltrow is jealous" rumor or the obligatory "Rumor retraction from Gywneth Paltrow's people." I know if I were Gwyneth Paltrow, I would probably be pissed. But then again, if I were Gwyneth Paltrow I'd probably also be contemplating which type of rich people wine is the most "sinfully delightful" paired with Boursin cheese instead of drinking boxed Pinot Grigio with cheese ends from the deli.

ScarJo at the Mango campaign launch last week:

Denzel Washington showed up to a Paris photocall for The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 presumably after having gone shopping in my grandmother's closet. I guess if a guy is looking to effectively stamp out his "sex symbol" status, this is probably an easier and less painful way of doing it than just getting his penis surgically removed.

In "Completely Non-Story Story" news, Jessica Simpson is broken up with Tony Romo and Nick Lachey is broken up with Vanessa Minnillo. That means they can totally get back together now, right? Right?!

"I think it’s fun storytelling, but there's very little truth to any of it," the singer told PEOPLE at a party at Dusk at the Caesars Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City Saturday night. "I certainly have heard about her breakup and I wish her the best, as I’ve always done. Aside from that, there really is nothing to say."

So has he reached out to his ex-wife since her sudden split with Tony Romo? "I haven't talked to her in probably two years," Lachey says. "I wish her happiness. That’s where it pretty much ends." (Source)

What a dumb idiot. The only thing that ever made Nick Lachey even remotely interesting was Jessica Simpson. The least he could do is throw in a "I'm here if she ever needs to talk." I guess he really just doesn't like being a celebrity, then. Well I hope he enjoys hosting parties in Atlantic City, because pretty soon he'll be hosting tractor pull competitions at county fairs.

Jessica at her last public appearance before D-Day, singing the National Anthem at the PGA tour:

You can expect to see one less familiar (read: drugged up) face on "American Idol" next year. Paula Abdul might be getting the heave-ho, as she still has yet to see a proposal with the ninth season rapidly approaching. According to her manager David Sonenberg:

"I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful," he added of the holdup. "I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that [Idol production companies Fremantle and 19 Entertainment] haven't stepped up and said what they want to do."

Meanwhile, Simon Cowell's future with "Idol" also hangs in the balance:

He has said he may leave the show when his contract is up at the end of next season. British reports claim he has asked to be paid in excess of $100 million a season. (Source)

So the crazy one and the British one are out, that leaves -- what -- the black one? That sounds like an awesome show. Kind of like if a tree fell in the forest and said "dawg" and no one was around to hear it.

The Red-Headed Stephost at the "Idol" eighth season finale:

(500) Days of Summer is out right now, and if you don't go see it, I will personally come to your house and beat you, guaranteed! (Pajiba)

Joe Jackson literally BEAT HIS OWN SON STERILE. What. The. Fuck. (Yeeeah!)

Why is Gerard Butler licking Skank Cancer? Does he enjoy the taste of puppy blood too? (The Blemish)

And now for something completely different...CONDOMS! For the love of God people, use condoms! (Seriously? OMG!)

Holy shit, Kathie Griffin was an extra on Michael Jackson's Pepsi Commercial? Ummmm...What the fuckedy fuck? (Celebitchy)

GASP! Will Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson get back together now that they're both single, washed-up nobodies? (Celebslam)

Ne-Yo walked off his concert the other day in tears, saying he was sick. I'll make sure I use that excuse next time I have a(nother) nervous breakdown in public! (HollyWire)

No Shit! Pink and Carey Hart are back together again! Yay! Okay seriously, these two are like the cutest couple EVER. (CelebSmack)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Kim Kardashian gives it herpes. (usemycomputer)

Oh my God, gratuitous pictures of Mason Wyler Ryan Gosling! Be still my beating heart...(Lainey Goss)

Looks like Tony Romo wasted no time hitting the rebound, huh? A class act this one is. (Allie is Wired)

Behold, the final nail in the coffin of Vampire Coolness: Kim Kardashian got her Goth on for...Well, no real reason at all actually. Mostly because she's a talentless fame whore and stupid tweens the world over are making vampires cool again. Kinda makes you miss Pokemon, doesn't it?

Since vampires are all the rage right now, Troy Jensen and I thought it would be cool to try out a more gothic, almost sinister look! This look was inspired by Prada's fall 2009 runway show and it is so unlike anything I've ever done! And no, I didn't actually get rid of my eyebrows, haha. Troy used an eyebrow concealing wax to hide them! Pretty creepy, right? I call this my Twilight look! What do you think? (Source)

This is why I prefer zombies: They don't care for all this romantic bullshit. Vampires think they're all mysterious just because they sparkle in the sunlight, while Zombies just eat your goddamn brain. Your move, bloodsuckers. Your move.

As it turns out, there were a whole lot of people who weren't too pleased when Trent Reznor began seeing Mariqueen Maandig. Like, REALLY not pleased. Reportedly, douchebags are starting to come out of the woodwork to bash her, and now Reznor is answering back by threatening to kick the sweet zombie Jesus out of said douchebags. THAT's how a real gentlemen does it. Take note, fellas.

The Nine Inch Nails frontman is furious after an internet campaign of abuse targeted the West Indian Girl frontwoman - and has vowed to physically attack those responsible if he ever meets them.

He tells rock magazine Kerrang!, "That kind of thing is particularly cowardly because it's done online and that offers complete anonymity. If someone on the street were to insult my fiancee I would punch them right in their f**king face or their fat t*ts or whatever the f**k it may be." (Source)

See? And who says chivalry is dead? Honestly, it would be fucking cool to have someone around to knock out anyone who tries to give me shit for no discernible reason. Seriously, someone calls me a fag? Kick in the jaw. Someone escorts me off the premises for drunkenly, disorderly conduct? Flaming chainsaw to the face. Love is never having to say you're sorry...To the person you violently assaulted.

Oh, what a fucking surprise. Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend Hailey Glassman is "Bisexual". Shocker. But of course, this isn't the real kind of bisexual. This is "Bisexual", which basically translates into "I want to be famous and I'll pretend to love anyone who will further my career". I'm looking at you, St. Tila Tequila.

Jon Gosselin's new wild girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, "is bisexual," one of her college pals confirms to the new issue of Us Weekly, on stands now.

"She's open about it, and I've seen it happen," the friend goes on.

Glassman -- who was arrested in 2005 for marijuana possession -- is more serious about women than men, a college classmate says. (Source)

Let this be a lesson to you all. Next time you want to know whether someone is Bisexual or "Bisexual", just ask them which one they'd rather have: A loving relationship with someone of either sex, or a one-night stand with a Z-List celeb who's only claim to fame is essentially holding his eight children hostage for a show on TLC. Judge their answer accordingly.

Are you sick of seeing Paris Hilton's stupid fucking wonk-eye emblazoned on the cover of every tabloid rag? Well, maybe this'll help: Margaret Cho became the first woman (not to mention the first mainstream celeb) to grace the cover of Unzipped, alongside performer Ricky Sinz.

LOS ANGELES — Comedian and activist Margaret Cho is featured in the August issue of gay adult magazine Unzipped. She is the first mainstream celebrity — and the first woman — to appear on its cover.

Unzipped Media Group Publisher Dustin Tyner notes Cho "transcends sexual stereotypes. The energy and sex appeal Margaret and Ricky bring to the article is amazing. The photos are electric and we're thrilled to have two iconic sexual adventurers on the cover." (Source)

You see, this is why Margaret Cho is fucking tits: If this were People Magazine, it would be some kiss-ass article about how fabulous she is. But girl was all like "Fuck that shit, I'm gonna make Ricky Sinz my bitch", which we can totally get behind. Seriously, Ricky Sinz is just fun to look at isn't he? I'll be in my bunk.

Here's Margaret at Bonnaroo:

Remember how Gerard Butler is supposed to be banging Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, and pretty much every other beautiful but mind-numbingly boring actress over the age of thirty? Well, obviously that's total bullshit, but it looks like Butler is gonna have some fun with it anyway by saying he and Aniston are getting married.

Butler and Aniston have been filming "Bounty" in New York in recent weeks, and tabloids have linked the two as more than just friends.

Butler told Conan O'Brien, "We're very much in love. Especially her. I'm going to make an announcement. We're actually going to tie the knot next Tuesday... And then on Saturday, I'm marrying Cameron Diaz. Joan Rivers will be the next weekend." (Source)

No offense, but couldn't he have found someone better to fake marry? I mean, why not fake marry Kristen Bell? She's all cute and tiny and she makes really good movies! That, and she managed to make it to #3 on Pajiba's Ten Most Bangable Celebrities list. What more could you ask for?

Here's the fake groom at the premiere of The Ugly Truth:

Lo and Behold: It's Pajiba's Ten Most Bangable Celebrities of 2009! (Pajiba)

The Emmy nominations are out, and surprise! Pushing Daisies got fucking HOSED. Ah fuck it. Go 30 Rock! (Celebitchy)

In related news,  it looks like Skank Cancer didn't get nominated! HA! Everyone point and laugh! (Lainey Goss)

Brad Pitt and Eli Roth play that stupid video game with the squeaky guitars for Wired magazine. (Seriously? OMG!)

Apparently, it really IS that easy to get a shot of Paris Hilton's sloppy, saggy cavern of pain and despair. (Celebslam)

Mischa Barton got removed from her home by police after having a freak out...Yeah, I'm not even gonna touch this one. (Yeeeah!)

Orlando Bloom totally got robbed. Items reported missing included $500,000 in jewelery, two watches, and what was left of Orlando Bloom's career. (The Blemish)

Continuing Buffy Baby Bump Watch, it looks like we'll have a lil' potential soon enough! (HollyWire)

Awwww, Lourdes Leon is growing up! Madge better bathe in her blood soon if she wants to stay young for another millenia. (CelebSmack)

Here's the smokin' hot Marissa Miller with that douchebag Jeremy Piven at the ESPYs, (usemycomputer)

Mariah Carey's video for Obsessed is out, and it's exactly as akward and uncomfortable as you would imagine. (popbytes)

Renee Zellweger and her puckered face were out in Hollywood yesterday with a key part of their ensemble missing. Namely, the shirt part of the ensemble. See now, this is what gets me, the whole double standard between celebrities and normal people. Sure, when Renee Zellweger wants to go out in public with no shirt on it's considered "high fashion" or some crap. But if anyone else wants to do it, it's all "Oh, there's a flasher on the loose! Somebody quick call the cops!" Well whatever, I may not be a big shot celebrity like Renee Zellweger here but at least I know enough that if you don't wear a shirt under your coat your can expect your nipples to literally be bleeding by the end of the day. So, ha ha. Nice outfit, Blood Nipples!

Remember when I posted these pictures of Brendan Fraser earlier this week looking like he was in his second trimester? Well, it turns out he really did get fat for a film role. I guess I feel pretty stupid now, huh?

The 'Mummy' actor was photographed showing off his large gut in Boston, and we're not sure if he's seriously packed on the pounds or just wearing a body suit. Supposedly, his weight gain is for his new role in 'Furry Vengeance.' In the movie, he plays a real estate developer whose plans to build a housing development are foiled by a group of woodland creatures. (Source)

Well naturally, if he's playing a real estate developer, of course he has to look like he's been hitting up the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Ponderosa every day for the past six months. So, yeah. Did you hear that real estate developers? Brendan Fraser just called you fat. His words, not mine.

On Monday evening while Madonna dined in Milan with Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana wearing this Dolce & Gabbana dress, meanwhile Whitney Houston celebrated her comeback album launch in London wearing the same dress. Oh noes! The egg on Madonna's face! I guess it just goes to show, when there's a sale at the shimmery leopard-print old lady dress store, you should just go with your instinct and pass it up, no matter how good of an idea it seems at the time.

More of Madonna and her flippery flappery arms in Milan:

Hey, anyone remember that time Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire during that Pepsi commercial and all the late night talk show hosts made jokes about it for three months? Yeah, well, Us Weekly got a hold of the video, and it's not so funny now -- it is, assholes? But more importantly -- while I may not be Michael Jackson's biggest sympathizer -- does anyone not see something intrinsically fucked up about releasing this tape now, just because Michael Jackson is dead? I for one, wouldn't like to see a trend made of releasing horrifically traumatic video evidence of something that happened to someone after they die. And not just because there was that time in high school when I got my period on stage at the talent show while singing "More Than Words" and tried to run away but tripped and smashed my face on the microphone and lay on the stage crying and flailing around, just bleeding like crazy out of both ends. Have some respect for the dead and humiliated, is all I'm saying.

Amy Winehouse was granted a divorce from her junkie/ruffian/overall lout of a husband Blake Fielder-Civil in a London courthouse this morning. Look out, London! Amy Winehouse is single and ready to mingle!

Neither Winehouse, 25, nor Fielder-Civil, 27, were present in family court. The divorce becomes final in six weeks and one day.

In court papers made public today, he said living with Winehouse was "intolerable." Winehouse admitted she'd committed adultery in April 2008, the last month they lived together. (Source)

Really now? Intolerable? That sounds just a little bit harsh. Living with 30 cats is intolerable, like those crazy ladies you see on television. Living with Amy Winehouse was probably more like living with the Tasmanian Devil who raped you all the time. Say what you will, it's still better than sleeping in cat shit.

Arriving back in London earlier this week:

The Air Bud reign of terror continues over at Pajiba. (Pajiba)

Denise Richards' reality show ratings are clearly down. (Yeeeah!)

Mark Wahlberg may be kind of a dick, but he still has panty-meltening abs. (The Blemish)

Madonna's arms are flabby and gristly at the same time. (Seriously? OMG!)

Tony Romo isn't wasting any time getting back on the horse. No pun intended. (Celebitchy)

Heyoo! Anna Friel from "Pushing Daisies" went topless for Vanity Fair. (Celebslam)

Brad Pitt talks Warcraft in the new issue of Wired. (CelebSmack)

Christina Ricci in a parking garage, and no one stuffed her in their trunk ... Or, pocket. (usemycomputer)

Lindsay Lohan has finally got her own porno, only in an ironic twist of fate, she herself is not starring in it. Huster is putting out an X-rated "Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan," which will actually be starring Scarlett Ray -- another actress who's daddy clearly didn't love her -- as Lohan. Jeez. Remember in the good old days when porn just appropriated popular films to spoof off of like "The Sexorcist," "Edward Penishands" and "Forrest Hump?" Such simpler, more innocent times, those were. But on the bright side, Huster has figured out the only way anyone would ever want to watch Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have sex, which basically is if the sex is being had by people who are entirely not Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. To which I say, well played, Hustler. Well played.

Marginally safe for work promo shots:

Jada Pinkett Smith likes talking about her sex life with Will Smith. Which is funny, because no one in the entire world likes hearing about her sex life with Will Smith. In this month's Shape magazine, she explains why they didn't make it to the red carpet that time:

Jada's most recent over-sharing comes in Shape magazine, where she gushes: "When you have three kids, you've got to take your opportunities when they come. In a limo, on the way to the Academy Awards this year, Will started looking at me in this way that drives me wild. We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let's just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no makeup on." (Source)

Gross. I don't know why the thought of Will and Jada banging is so inherently unpleasant to me, but somehow it just is. It's like seeing two turtles do it or something ... But only if like the turtles were wearing masks with my parents faces on them.

Will and Jada at the Vanity Fair Oscar party: (They just did it.)

In "News That Makes My Eyes Roll So Far Back in My Head That They Literally Do a 360," Megan Fox says that she can't stand watching herself in movies or looking at pictures of herself. I guess that means all you pervs out there can stop holding out hope for a sex tape.

Megan - who spent the weekend househunting in Santa Monica with on/off boyfriend, actor BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN - admitted: "I usually don't watch myself. I don't watch playback. I don't look at still photos. I have a phobia of it.

"But, I forced myself to sit down for Transformers 2. I shot an entire glass of champagne, so that I could get through it." (Source)

WOW. And the most obvious joke set-up of the year award goes to? Fill that champagne glass with roofies and she almost comes close to what it took for everyone else to get through Transformers 2.

More of Modest McGee at Paris Fashion week on 07/07/09:

Ugh, it's already a slow news day and this story is the best I can come up with, and it's just absolutely wretched. Disney has acquired right to the young adult novel Wings and is adapting it as a starring vehicle for Miley Cyrus, in which she'll play a fucking fairy. Barf, barf, barf.

Pic will be developed for Cyrus to play Laurel, a 15-year-old who grows up sheltered and home-schooled in a small town. Adjusting to a big high school is difficult, and her suspicion that she's not like the other kids becomes a reality when she sprouts a pair of wings and learns that she's a fairy. (Source)

Now I know why Tinkerbell couldn't talk. Because apparently Disney's idea of what a fairy's voice should sound like is an emphysemic speed freak who smokes three packs a day.

Filming The Last Song on 06/19/09:

Michael Jackson has been replaced by that Jon Plus asshat, and not just on the homepage of Us Weekly. (Superior Gossip)

Well this seems like an almost normal Lady Gaga outfit. So how do you think she'll fuck it up? (Yeeeah!)

Our resident masochist at Pajiba is real-time reviewing the Air Bud movies. (Pajiba)

Sandra Bullock wants to be naked in all her movies. Umm... Yeah. We have a name for those types of movies. (The Blemish)

Russell Brand is coming back to host the VMAs again, because I guess even Borat has standards. (Seriously? OMG!)

Speaking of Russell Brand, even he won't stoop to Lindsay Lohan. (BricksAndStones)

Christian Bale is looking his most bangable yet! (Celebitchy)

Who wants to see David Duchovny's butt crack? (Agent Bedhead)

Well here's something you don't see everyday: Linsday Lohan's breasts, free from antiquated restraints such as as brassieres and clothing with armpits. Seriously, when your tits see more sunlight than a solar energy panel in the middle of the Mojave Desert, it's time to put some fucking clothes on already.

In news no one but me cares about, Heidi Montag's sister Holly Montag and "American Idol's" Sanjaya Malakr, who found love (or something along those lines) on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" are reportedly not dating after all.

"We are not dating but just very close," Montag told Us at the Sports Dream Celebrity Poker pool party on Sunday in Beverly Hills.

"It was funny," she tells Us. "I was shocked because we were such close friends, and I had no idea that anyone else thought there was anything romantic going on. People in camp joked about it, but we knew it was a joke so it was funny to us."

No matter what, she doesn't let the rumors stop them. "We will continue our friendship forever," she tells Us. "Sanjaya came out to visit me last week!" (Source)

And just like that, my dreams of Sanjolly and all their little Sanjoffsprings are dashed forever. Well maybe instead Spencer Pratt will fall down a well or something and when Heidi Montag runs off to get Timmy for help she gets distracted sniffing at a fire hydrant and Spencer dies. Of course, that's just more wishful thinking on my part. Sigh. I swear, nothing good ever happens to me.

Holly wearing more airbrushing on her face than an entire issue of Playboy at Puff Daddy's Ciroc Vodka's 2009 BET Awards party last month:

Brendan "Hair Club for Men" Fraser was seen out yesterday sporting what appears to be one plastic, red cup short of a keg of beer. Now, before we jump to conclusions, this could be for a film role. Such as, say ... Oh, I don't know. A big glutton of a fat pig man who likes to eat a lot of doughnuts and walk around town carrying an oversized man purse? I'm honestly just reaching here. I guess it's a good thing I turned out to be a gossip blogger and not a casting agent.

Katherine Heigl, who appears in The Ugly Truth alongside Gerard Butler later this month, a comedy of the romantic nature about a "romantically challenged morning show producer" talks to InStyle magazine about the problem with romantic comedies:

In a real relationship, Heigl posits, "you're probably going to drop the F-bomb once in a while. You're probably going to say some things that are kind of harsh. And you're definitely going to talk about sex.

"It doesn't have to be so Snow White and Prince Charming. That's my problem with a lot of romantic comedies." (Source)

Wow, thanks for the clarification there, Dr. Relationship. So you mean to tell me that in real life I'm probably not going to meet a man who's most likely my complete opposite through a series of implausible circumstances and wacky hijinks and we almost don't get together, until the end when we totally do and then live happily ever after? The only problem is that if dumb, lonely housewives wanted to see a movie where everyone swears at each other and talks about their sexual incompetencies, they would just stay home because that's called "their actual marriage."

Say hello to the new face of high-fashion retailer, Mango. Yeah. Remember when Scarlett Johansson's breasts looked like this, or this, or even this? Well, those days are apparently as extinct as pay phones, getting milk delivered to your house, and actually having to tape a movie off of cable and pause it at the right spot if you wanted to masturbate to Scarlett Johansson. Except, you know, she was only like 14-years-old back then -- so, gross -- you pervert.

Wall-E was a cannibal? Really? Oh come on, what the crap, people? (Pajiba)

Lily Allen says she was totally comfortable showing off her adorable little tater tots. My God, even her boobs are cuter than baby kittens! (Celebitchy)

Here's a courtroom sketch of Paris Hilton lookin EXACTLY like the Crypt Keeper. Let me just say, BAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! (Celebslam)

Not only is Hugh Jackman fun to look at, but he's also a pretty nice guy too. Spiffy! (Lainey Goss)

Jenna Fischer played Softball for charity! All together now: Awwwww! (usemycomputer)

Oh my God, Miss Butter-Wouldn't-Melt-In-My-Mouth for waaaaaaasted last night! (Yeeeah!)

Oh look, Rachel Ray finally got surgery to fix her wonky-ass voice. Wooooo! (The Blemish)

Here's everything you wanted to know about semi-famous peoples' sex lives, but were too uninterested to ask! (Seriously? OMG!)

Holly Madison got hitched to The Travelocity Gnome. Man, that gnome is reeeeeeally slumming it, isn't he? (HollyWire)

Here's the Pouty O'Hooters' photoshoot for Mango. (CelebSmack)

Jon Gosselin continues to show some GREAT parenting skills. Dumbass. (Allie is Wired)

Looks like Jessica Simpson's habit of wearing fugly-ass dresses has finally caught up to her: Tony Romo has kicked his now ex-girlfriend to the curb. Awww, poor thing...On the plus side, after she starts comfortin binging on pint after pint of Chunky Monkey, all those Jessica Simpson fat jokes from a couple months ago will make sense again. Hooray?

"It's been a long time coming," a close friend of Romo's tells Us.

Still, another source tells Us the volatile couple could always get back together. "They go from one fight right into another, without a second break," the source tells Us. "It's always something with Jessica."

Reps for both stars could not be reached. (Source)

How sad is that? Aside from the creepy over-bearing father, the lame dresses, the poor football performances, and the overall sense of white trashiness surrouding the two, they seemed like the perfect couple! Too bad...

Today is a dark, dark day for those who love hunky guys who make shitty fucking movies: Channing Tatum got himself hitched this weekend to Step Up co-star Jenna Dewen. Awwww, how cute! Someday, they're kids will grow up and make incredibly mediocre movies too! The circle of liiiiiiiiife...

Channing Tatum, who's starring in this summer's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, married actress Jenna Dewan in Malibu, Calif., on July 11. The couple met on the set of the 2006 movie Step Up and became engaged last September. They exchanged vows and Neil Lane wedding bands in front of 220 guests during a fairy-themed wedding at a private estate overlooking the ocean. (Source)

See? There really is such a thing as true love! It's a classic Boy meets Girl, Boy an Girl are disturbingly hot,  Boy and Girl make terrible movies, Boy and Girl have a fairy wedding...Wait, a fairy-themed wedding? Oh God, they pretty much just wrote the jokes themselves, didn't they?

Here is the Fairy King at the premiere of Fighting:

Vanessa Hudgens seems to be trying to shake off her image as the goody-two-shoes girl who's banging Brent Corrigan-Lite by (what else) playing a stripper in the upcoming Zack Snyder flick, Sucker Punch. Because really, it worked so well for Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Biel, right? Oh wait...

"I'm playing a character named Blondie and it's set in a brothel in the 1950s, so there's not a whole lot of clothes," Hudgens told U.K.'s Metro.

..."'I think this is my time to really step it up and get to grow up," she said. "It will be somewhat different with the content and a few more foul words but that's the biggest difference." (Source)

Well, why the fuck not, right? I mean, we've already seen her boobies, haven't we? At least with Zack Snyder at the helm, we'll now see her boobies while the camera zooms back and forth for no discernible reason while the action randomly goes into slow-motion. Oh, and blood. Don't forget the blood!

Here's Vanessa at the MTV Movie Awards (A.K.A. Where Good Taste in Movies Goes to Die Alone and Unloved):

Awwwww, look whos' back from her seven month vacation! Amy Winehouse returned to her home in The United Kingdom this week after staying in St. Lucia since Christmas. I gotta be honest with you, she looks pretty good. Her skin's cleared up, she's got some meat on her bones, and she doesn't have errant heroin needles sticking out of her arms. Good for you, girl!

Despite the tears, her spokesperson said: 'She's really happy to be back and can't wait to catch up with family and friends.'

The Back To Black star looked a lot healthier than when she first left for the Caribbean - her once scabby and red skin replaced by a clearer complexion and even the odd freckle.

The singer had been staying on the island since Christmas to record her third album. (Source)

In all honesty, she seems a lot healthier now. Honestly, if I saw her a year ago, I probably would have brained her with a crowbar while shouting "ZOMBIE! ZOMBIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" But look at her now! Definitely less undead-ish, wouldn't you agree?

Now that Lauren Conrad has ensured television's slow and painful demise, she's now set her sight on literature. Remember how I mentioned that she wrote a book a little while back based on her life? Well, it's managed to top the New York Times Best Seller List. For two weeks in a row. How's that for a swift kick in the literary balls?

Loosely based on her own life, “L.A. Candy” follows 19-year-old Jane, who moves to Hollywood to start an internship and winds up becoming one of the town’s hottest reality stars.

“If someone said to me five years ago when this all started that I would one day make the New York Times Best Seller list I wouldn’t have believed it,” Lauren told People. “I am so honored that it is now a reality.”

“L.A. Candy,” which was released on June 16, is the first in a three-book deal for the reality starlet. (Source)

See how easy it is? You don't need to actually have TALENT to be a successful writer! You just have to be on a terrible reality show, get into some scrited fights, write a book about it, and then BAM! You too can top the New York Times Best Seller List! For two weeks. In a row. God is dead.

Here's Lauren signing the lump of words she calls a book:

I Love You, Beth Cooper (The Movie) is just like I Love You, Beth Cooper (The Book)! Only minus everything you actually liked about the book! (Pajiba)

Paris Hilton: The Promotion Machine? Ummmm, yeah, more like "Stinky, Floppy, Syph-Infested Cavern of Agony and Pain". (Yeeeah!)

Oh for God's sake...Would someone please keep Joe Jackson away from small children? (The Blemish)

Oh look, someone brought Brad Pitt's Moneyball back from the grave. Yet no one will bring back Wonderfalls. What the crap, people? (Seriously? OMG!)

Cynthia Nixon wants Sarah Jessica Parker to push harder for gay rights. Might I suggest the "Carrot/Stick" approach? With a literal carrot and stick? (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan doesn't quite understand that just because you can't see them, that doesn't mean they can't see you. (Celebslam)

Good news! You can now see Mary Louise Parker's funbags without having to fork over $35 for a DVD of Weeds. (HollyWire)

Seriously Bruno? Just shut up and show us more Tyler Saint already. (CelebSmack)

Because we really don't see enough of her, look everyone! It's Natalie Portman! *Applause* (usemycomputer)

Apparently, girls love Edward Cullen, not Robert Pattinson. Why the hell can't teenagers tell the difference between people and fucking FICTION? (Lainey Goss)

Raven Symone came out of obscurity to dispell rumours that she was pregnant. Wait a minute...There were rumours she was pregnant? (Allie is Wired)

Lady Gaga is reportedly somehow totally broke, even though she's had an overwhelmingly successful #1 album and an upcoming tour with Kanye West, because she spends all of her money on clothes. Really? Sure, whatever.

The chart-topping pop minx has confessed her addiction to outlandish attire has left her penniless. Despite two No1 singles and a No1 album, GaGa is flat broke.

She told me: “I’ve gone bankrupt about four times now. My manager wants to shoot me. “Every dollar I earn goes on the show. Now we’re finally getting to a place where it’s not bankruptcy.(Source)

You know that saying from the Bill Joel song that goes "You can't dress trashy 'til you spend a lot of money?" Yeah, well, in Lady Gaga's case I think it goes something like "You can't dress like you're auditioning for a part in the new Hellraiser movie, Hellraiser XVII: Bride of Pinhead, 'til you spend a lot of money."

The fairest Cenobite of them all at the press conference for the "Isle of Malta MTV Special":

Here's Kim Kardashian at the Three-O Vodka Bubble Launch Event. I feel like there's a really obvious joke to be made here, but it's just not coming to me. If Three-O Vodka was going to capitalize off of a childrens' summer toy, I guess it's just a shame they didn't go with a Little Tykes Super Spiral Sprinkler flavor. Get it?! Because Ray-J peed on her! ZING!!! Honestly, sometimes I even just amaze myself with this stuff.

More of O-Face with her sister, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian: (Note: People always ask why I call her that, but seriously look at that closeup shot and tell me the resemblance isn't uncanny.)

Jerry Seinfeld, star of such ad campaigns as "American Express" and "Windows Vista" is now the new face of Newcastle's Greater Building Society, a bank in Australia.

"Seinfeld was on the top of our list, but we never, ever expected him to say yes," a bank spokesman told Sydney's Daily Telegraph. Seinfeld's rep, Elizabeth Clark, told Page Six, "Jerry loves the creative process of making commercials . . . He's certainly not in any financial distress . . . and he loves Australia."

But apparently not enough to go there -- the ad was shot in Cedarhurst, LI, where signs were changed to make it look like Newcastle. (Source)

So basically, Jerry Seinfeld quit his extremely popular and beloved series and has done almost no film and television work in the past decade so he could get back to his true love: The art of the television commercial? Right. You know who else isn't in any "financial distress?" Eddie Murphy. But that doesn't stop him from putting on fat suits so he can upgrade his solid gold personal jet for one made out of platinum and covered in diamonds.

With his plagiarist wife and kids at the "Baby Buggy Bedtime Bash" on June 3rd:

Hayden Panettiere tells the new issue of Details about how she was horribly teased and tormented when she was younger because she was a child actor and always had to miss school for filming. Oh, wah.

"I was tortured, emotionally tortured by these girls," the star of Heroes and I Love You, Beth Cooper, 19, tells Details in its August issue about her contemporaries at school when she would return from professional gigs. "Every time I came back from filming, it would be me trying to find my way back into the clique. And they weren't having it." (Source)

God, if there's one thing I never get sick of hearing is these beautiful, privileged actresses bitch about getting picked on at school. Guess what? We all got picked on. And I'll tell you one thing, if I'm ever famous you sure won't hear me whining to magazines about it. No. I'll just do the normal thing and track down all the kids who were mean to me and have my driver cruise past their houses while I pelt them with urine-filled water balloons out my limo window. I'll show them what's what!

Wearing enough makeup to paint an entire whorehouse at the I Love You, Beth Cooper premiere:

In the latest issue of her GOOP newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow is raving about the benefits of a detox juice diet called Clean developed by "Dr." Alejandro Junger. (Quotation marks intentional.)

"I am finishing the amazing three-week-long 'Clean' detox program," writes Paltrow. "I feel pure and happy and much lighter." The 36-year-old Oscar winner cites slimming down as her motivation. "I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious 'relax and enjoy life phase' about a month ago."

Paltrow turned to cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger for advice. His tips include avoiding processed foods and allergens, eating processed foods and making “time for 'detox-enhancing' habits such as sauna, massage, hot and cold baths and skin brushing." (Source)

Oh, by the way, I checked out this "Clean" program and it costs a mere $325. So basically, to us normal, non-celebrity types, that's $325 on supplements, plus completely normal habits like hanging out in saunas and getting daily massages. Seems reasonable enough. So, do you think Gwyneth Paltrow has ever even met a normal person? I think she'd have about as easy of a time relating to a normal person as I would one of the headhunters on "Gilligan's Island." And they were racist stereotypes in addition to being totally fictional characters.

The Red Band Trailer for Funny People is out. Okay, we get it Seth Rogen: You're funny and lovable. Please give us some breathing room already. (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag is making downloadable workout videos of her personal routines. They're basically just maps to your nearest plastic surgery doctor. (Celebitchy)

Is Paris Hilton fucking Big Bird or something? Hmmmm...Actually, knowing her, it wouldn't be too surprising. (CelebWarship)

Ewww... Shauna Sandy slept with Lorenzo Lamas' teenage son? Gross. (POTP)

Oh my God! Zac Efron got a haircut! Because really, you can never jack too much of your look from Brent Corrigan. (College Candy)

Wow. Michael Jackson's body was transported from his public funeral via secret tunnel. Even in death, Michael Jackson is still really, really weird.(Yeeeah!)

No, seriously Morgan Freeman: WHAT. THE. FUCK? (The Blemish)

The Today Show accidentally stated that Betty White died today, when SURPRISE! She didn't. Smooth move, dumbass. (Seriously? OMG!)

Rainbow Killer comes home from a long vacation of devouring puppies. (BricksAndStones)

Is Harry Potter slowly turning into a cannibal? Probably not, but it's kinda funny to think about, isn't it? (Agent Bedhead)

Oh wow, this is just...I'm not sure what to make of this. (IDWYL)

Michael Jackson's Waxwork likeness was unveiled Madame Tussauds In London earlier today. Hmmm. Something's not quite right here. I don't think it looks so much like Michael Jackson, but like an actual person who was naturally born looking like what Michael Jackson was going for with all that surgery. Who knew? I guess it turns out this whole time he actually wanted to be Puerto Rican.

Girl hugging Wax Jacko totally gives me the heeby jeebies:

If you didn't already know, Katherine Heigl is a huge feminist. I already figured as much, mostly because of the way she calls movies like Knocked Up that she starred in and helped launch her career "sexist." She tells Marie Claire:

"I’m not out burning bras, but I’m very opinionated about women owning their power," Heigl asserts. "I look back at my twenties and see that I was much less confident. You repress how you really feel because society tells us what women think isn’t valid, that we’re frivolous and shallow."

Yet, at the same time, Heigl says of the mindless romcoms she's so fond of:

"I know I’m catching some crap for it, but I really like doing them. People keep asking me if I want to do anything more serious, or Oscar-worthy, and I do, but I’m not quite there yet," Heigl says. (Source)

So if you're wondering how Katherine Heigl translates women "owning their power" into movies where the entire message is that women are frivolous and shallow and that life is meaningless if you can't find yourself a man, the answer is: She doesn't! Because Katherine Heigl is a gigantic hypocrite.

PS: Heigl? "Oscar-worthy?" ROFLCOPTER.

Good news, ladies! Edward Furlong is back on the market! He and wife Rachael Bella have announced that they're getting a divorce after three years of marriage:

The actor's wife of more than three years, actress Rachael Bella, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split.

The duo, who swapped vows in April 2006, have a 2 1/2-year-old son, Ethan Page. Bella is seeking spousal support and joint custody of their child. (Source)

This totally makes the 13-year-old girl in me who had the biggest crush ever on Eddie Furlong in Terminator 2: Judgment Day squeal uncontrollably. Unfortunately, this also makes the 31-year-old woman in me want to avoid eye contact with the smelly crackhead before he asks me for money or tries to rape me or something.

I totally missed this news last week because of the holiday and everything, but apparently Brooke Hogan is for some reason picking a feud with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Granted, Heidi and Spencer suck, but this is like the bottle of hair bleach calling the silicone fungbags whorey. In her track for "Ur Not That Hot" [sic] which was released on her album "Judgement Day" last Saturday, Brooke starts out the song with a voicemail from Heidi Montag, which is clearly just Brooke trying to talk in a less manly voice:

"Umm ... Hey Brooke, what's up. This is Heidi Montag. I just want to let you know that I'm making a record, and your record better watch its back. and, if you think $tacks is awesome, wait for Spencer. Bye."

Wow. If Brooke thinks she's going to win points by picking on the easiest target possible, she's going to have to try harder than this considering that A) it's already been done better, and by people like Al Roker, no less and B) everyone hates her and her family every bit as much as Heidi and Spencer, only we just don't give a shit. That's like being the loser in high school that the other kids don't even care enough to pick on, so you might as well just cut your losses and OD on childrens' Tylenol.

Brooke looking like a fat transvestite on the set of "Brooke Knows Jack Shit":

Michael Jackson's former dermatologist, Arnold Klein, who is heavily rumored to be the biological father of Paris and Prince Michael, went on "Good Morning America" to clear up said rumors. Except, not really at all, whatsoever.

"Not to the best of my knowledge," he said when asked by Diane Sawyer if he's the father of Prince, 12, and Paris, 11. "But I'm telling you, if push comes to shove, I can't say anything about it...but, to the best of my knowledge, I am not the father of these children."

"That's an intriguing phrase, 'to the best of my knowledge,'"

Sawyer replied. "Yes," he admitted. (Source)

Well played, Dr. Klein. And likewise, to the best of my knowledge I've never gotten so drunk I've pissed the bed, but local authorities have yet to catch the notorious "West Philly Pisser" who has apparently been breaking into people's homes and urinating on them while they sleep. They're going to get the guy soon, though, I have a good feeling this time.

Mos Def's new album, The Ecstatic, is out now, and guess what? It's pretty goddamn amazing. Check it. (Pajiba)

Oh. My. GOD. DAVID BECKHAM'S ASS DAVID BECKHAM'S ASS DAVID BECKHAM'S ASS! (popbytes)

Also sexy? Halle Berry's boytoy. Hot. DAYUM. (Lainey Goss)

Holly Montag ended up threatening a comedian onstage...with chains. I'm sure there's something in the bible about not threatening people or something... (HollyWire)

Oh my God, Kate Moss is still a total bitch? Really? No fucking way, I never would have guessed! (Yeeeah!)

Lady Gaga has finally found the perfect accessory for her butterface. And no, it is not a piece of toast. (The Blemish)

Hey, do you like Kate Winslet's boobs? Well, of course you do, but don't get to used to them. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, Madonna totally ruined her concert in London the other day...And that was BEFORE she actually started singing. (Celebslam)

Britney Spears let her tater tots swing free in Paris, which means more headlights than the I-95 at night. (CelebSmack)

All I can say is WOW did Emma Watson ever look gorgeous at the premiere of Tha Half Blood Prince. (usemycomputer)

Bradley Cooper may be boring as hell, but at least he's still pretty...But still, fucking boring. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney Spears was in Paris visiting the Eiffel Tower earlier this week sporting a diamond Star of David necklace, (and sans bra, natch) leading everyone to speculate as to what religion she's practicing now.

The 27-year-old's fascination with other faiths began shortly after Madonna turned her on to Kabbalah in 2003. After studying the mystical aspect of Judaism, Spears began wearing the religion’s well-known red string bracelet, believed to ward off the "evil eye."

Faith found Spears again - as did her first Star of David necklace - when the singer began dating Jewish model Issac Cohen in 2007. After a few study sessions with a Kabbalah book, the singer began sporting Christian jewelry again, most recently during a trip back home to Louisiana in February. (Source)

I think the only problem here is that Britney doesn't grasp the concept that religion isn't just some "fashion accessory." Well, except when it comes to those delightful Jesus is My Homeboy T-shirts and trucker hats, anyway. If anyone was going to figure out a way to bridge the gap between religion and fashion, leave it to a frat boy.

Justin Timberlake is supposedly working with David Vigliano -- lit agent to the stars -- to write his first novel. Oh, but don't get excited or anything, because apparently it's going to be about stupid golf.

Mr. Timberlake has been a golf fanatic for years, getting his first taste of the game as a boy and later playing it with a group of roadies during the last *NSYNC tour. Today, he regularly competes in charity tournaments, and even owns an environmentally friendly golf course in his hometown of Millington, Tennessee.

Though neither Mr. Vigliano nor Mr. Timberlake’s publicist, Sonia Muckle, would comment on the project, we hear it’ll be something of a memoir, consisting of stories of rounds he has played and people he has played with. (Source)

Well that sounds fascinating. So basically, Justin Timberlake has made the transition from Mickey Mouse Club Kid to Boy Bander to Ebonics-Loving Hop-Hop Star to Golf Enthusiast. It sounds like the next logical step would have to be Metamucil® spokesperson. Daily regularity has never been so sexy!

More of Cap'n Sexington at the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am in February:

Lady Gaga went topless for a sexy, high-fashion photo shoot for V Magazine. Big whoop, boobs. Like I can't see those anywhere on the internet. If Lady Gaga wanted to do something truly artistic she would have let the photographer take photos of her actual face. Just take it from Mona Lisa -- she wasn't exactly your typical "looker" either, but for some reason millions of people flock to see her face every year. If all Mona Lisa would have done was flash a titty, she would have ended up just another Renaissance skank.

First image NSFW:

Lindsay Lohan was this close to a huge career comeback. She reportedly turned down Heather Graham's role as "Jade" the stripper in The Hangover because she thought it had "no potential." DOHHH!

A source tells Us that director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to star in the hit flick — which has raked in $205 million so far — after their mutual agent campaigned on the actress’ behalf.

"The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her," says the source, "and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn't like the script!" (Source)

You have to admit, Lindsay Lohan is more believable as a stripper than Heather Graham, but less believable as a stripper who you would actually leave your fiancee for.* At any rate, to be fair to Lindsay, I can see why she turned it down. I personally wouldn't want any part of a legitimate movie that would seriously consider Lindsay Lohan for a supporting role either.

(*Oops, spoiler alert!)

More of Awesome Career Choices McGee at the Mr. Skin booth in Malibu Beach last weekend:

Ever since Michael Jackson passed away, Corey Feldman has taken to dressing like his former idol. You know, kind of like how he did back in the 80's? Only now he's a full grown adult and Michael Jackson is, well, dead.

On Tuesday, the actor showed up to mourn his old friend at the Michael Jackson Memorial Concert at the Staples Center in L.A. wearing a faux-military jacket, shades, and a black fedora.

Just two days after Jackson's death, during Feldman's L.A. concert with his band Truth Movement, the actor told the audience he wanted to honor "the world's greatest entertainer" with a moment of silence - all while dressed in a Jackson-style buttoned regal jacket. (Source)

I guess if you're going to posthumously emulate Michael Jackson this is probably the least creepy way of doing it. But just to be on the safe side, I'd still ... Oh, you know ... Keep him away from the local middle schools.

Denny's is premiering their All Nighter Rockstar Menu Entrees. If the name alone hasn't made you hork up a fresh batch of vomit, you're a stronger man than I. (Pajiba)

Trent Reznor is a fucking GOD and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist. (Agent Bedhead)

Rihanna went out to the clubs with sparkly shit all over her nipples. OMG BOOBS EVERYBODY PANIC! (POTP)

Looks like Bruno's ass got Eminem a little hot and bothered...in the pants. Slim Shady? More like Slim GAYdy! ...It's jokes like this that got me on this site if you'll believe it. (Yeeeah!)

Hey, wanna see Hayden Panneohfuckitiamnotevengonnatrytospellthis almost naked? Of course you do! (The Blemish)

Oh isn't this pleasant, Paris Hilton got a $500,000 necklace as a gift while starving African kids die. God is dead and we are his prophets. (Celebitchy)

Madonna took time out of her concert to give a homage to Michael Jackson. Hey, as long as she's not actually singing, I'm okay with it. (CelebWarship)

Awww, how cute! They caught the exact moment when Kendra Wilkinson gave her husband mouth herpes! (BricksAndStones)

Awwww, snap! It's a celebretard showdown between Megan Fox and Kristin Stewart! (College Candy)

Everyone thank Ashley Tisdale for showing you where babies come from. (IDWYL)

Joyce DeWitt was taken in on a DUI. You know what they say: Three's a company, .08 is a felony! (Seriously? OMG!)

Michael Jackson's body arrived at the Staples Center shortly after 9:30 a.m. PST this morning following a private service at the nearby Forest Lawn Memorial Park. Holy shit, I had no idea his actual casket was going to be at this thing. I mean, seriously? Michael Jackson fans are fucking bonkers. I wouldn't trust his last BM with those people much less his actual physical remains. Just one teeny slip-up on anyone's part and that thing's gonna get cracked open like a Mexican pinata, only with far less sweet and delicious results.

When Michael Bay auditioned Megan Fox for Transformers, he did it in the most professional way possible, in an office with a script and a bunch of casting agents. Oh, kidding. That's how someone who doesn't hate women would audition a woman. Instead he just made her wash his car.

But the star's start in Hollywood was anything but glamorous, after director Michael Bay made her clean his expensive car as part of her audition for the role, according to U.K. broadcaster Jason Solomons.

He writes in his film column for the Observer newspaper, "He made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her." (Source)

God, no wonder she hates him so much. The only way this would be remotely acceptable is if, likewise, he made Shia LaBeouf dress up in a French Maid costume and clean his solid gold toilets for his audition. In which case, I'm all for that. Really, if it's one thing these snot-nosed young actors and actresses need these days is manual labor with a good dose of humilation.

Megan Fox arriving at Letterman last month:

Kelly Osbourne has come out to say that she never called Lady Gaga a butterface or said anything else mean about her, despite a report by UK's The Mirror saying she did.

She tells PerezHilton.com, "I have a big mouth and that's no secret. I often say things that get me into trouble but I always stand by them. But when words are being put into my mouth and things are being printed that I did not say, it really makes me really mad. I am a huge fan of Lady GaGa. If anything I'm slightly jealous of her wardrobe and I am definitely in no position to be calling anyone a butter face." (Source)

Normally I'd never stick up for stupid annoying Kelly Osbourne, but I've seen Lady Gaga without her "face" on, and in this case I think she's, well, sort of in the position to be calling someone a butterface. If someone were literally born too close to a Land 'O Lakes factory and turned out with a miraculous, never-before-seen birth defect, even that person would still kind of be in a position to call Lady Gaga a butterface.

Lady Gaga drawing the eye South outside of her hotel in London Sunday night:

A spokeswoman for the CW network, Kristen Hall, has confirmed that Rumer Willis will be guest-starring on an episode of "90210" in the upcoming season. Oh, and guess who she's going to be playing? The hot seductress who steals everybody's boyfriends? Not quite.

Hall says the 20-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore will guest-star in one episode as "a punky, cute lesbian who isn't afraid to speak her mind." Willis' character, named Gia, will work at the school paper. (Source)

OK, so I get the obligatory lesbian storyline, but honestly CW? Rumer Willis? Way to set back LBGT stereotypes back twenty years by picking the most unattractive, butchiest young actress you can find -- so much so that she has literally had to fend off gay rumors (pun intended) in real life. When the porn industry has a more progressive ideal of what a lesbian should look like, you know you've got a problem.

More of Rumor and the fugliest dress I've ever seen at the Much Music Video Awards:

As you've no doubt already heard, Michael Jackson's memorial service is scheduled to take place in Los Angeles later today, which is going to basically be the biggest logistical nightmare to hit the city since the Rodney King riots in '92. At any rate, Jackson's ex wife Debbie Rowe (pictured above at her ranch on July 2nd) has backed out of the service.

But Rowe's attorney Marta Almli now says, "The onslaught of media attention has made it clear her attendance would be an unnecessary distraction to an event that should focus exclusively on Michael's legacy. Debbie will continue to celebrate Michael's memory privately." (Source)

And really, is there any better way to privately celebrate someone's memory than with a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt? See, that's the beauty of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt. It's so versatile it can be worn for celebrating literally anything, from buying a new pick-up truck to the memory of a loved one.

For those of you who said Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (In My Pants) had the highest movie body count, lucky you! (Pajiba)

It's a good thing Lady Gaga pointed out her vagina with a big arrow, or else we'd never be able to find it. (Yeeeah!)

As it turns out, Robert Pattinson is about as sick and tired of Twilight fan girls as we are. Seriously, get over it girls. You're embarrassing yourselves. (The Blemish)

Kathy Griffin is set to be the host of the roast of Joan Rivers. There is absolutely nothing about that previous sentence that I don't totally fucking love. (Seriously? OMG!)

Looks like Jennifer Aniston will have to choose between either Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper. THIS! IS! BOOOOORIIIIIING! (Celebitchy)

Nick Hogan celebrated the 4th of July at the beach instead of where he should have been: Rotting in jail for turning someone into a fucking vegetable. Piece of shit... (Celebslam)

Nicole Kidman got all gussied up and beautified for a commercial for...Soda? Really? Ummmm...Okay then. (omg blog)

If Lindsay Lohan didn't want to have her picture taken, maybe she should have, you know, stayed home? Just puttin' that out there. (CelebSmack)

Here's the adorably tiny Christina Ricci out and about on the 4th of July. Awwww, she's so tiny! (usemycomputer)

Ryan Gosling hitting on Lauren Conrad? BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANo. No he did not. (Lainey Goss)

In today's "D-List Celebrity that everyone thinks is dead but actually isn't" news, Tom Green is not dead. I repeat, TOM GREEN IS NOT DEAD. (Allie is Wired)

Have you ever seen a movie kiss and thought, "Gee, I'd like to be able to make-out like that!" Well there may be hope for you yet. Ryan Reynolds was so disturbed by his first on-screen kiss, he actually went out and took lessons. For reals.

He tells WENN, "It is strange (kissing a friend). A kissing scene in a movie has to be very elegant I think. You know, you don't want to go at each other like a couple of farm animals. You want to make it nice and palatable for an audience.

"Early in my career I worked with an actress and she kind of went for it a little bit too much. I remember that, and we had to save it for the end... At the end of the scene I was standing in her stomach... and I was a little uncomfortable with that, so that ruined our chemistry. But Sandy and I, we just have this kind of firework thing that we're really grateful we have." (Source)

Seriously, there should really be some sort of "kissing class" available out there. My first time out of the gate, I ended up trying to eat the bottom half of a certain gay porn star's face. In all fairness, I was drunk, and he had a really square jaw, so I just pretended his face was a sandwich...Yeah, I really could have handled that better.

Here's Sexy Q. McSexington at a VIP screening of The Proposal:

Josh Duhamel may make some really, really, REALLY shitty movies (Skids and Mudflaps, anyone?) but you have to hand it to the guy, he's pretty damn charming. Case in point: He's recently taken up stripping as a hobby, which may serve him well after Transformers 3: In My Pants hits theaters.

The couple married in January and the exotic exercise pole was among their gifts from friends and family.

Duhamel admits his partner has refused to use the device since it was installed in their home - but he has been keen to practise his moves.

He tells Women's Health magazine, "I've played on the pole more than she has. If you know my wife, she's a perfectionist and won't get on it until she's good, so she wants to take a class first. So the pole is really just decorative at this point." (Source)

Seriously, between his wanting to punch Perez Hilton in the face and this, Josh Duhamel is slowly working his way up my good list. Although take it from a currently unemployed stripper*: Get some wood before going up there. Believe me, a boner is the difference between making a down payment on a car and McDonald's Money.

Here's Josh Duhamel at the premiere of Transformers 2: Unnecessary Racism:

*Yeah, I walked in yesterday and found out that they sold out and now I'm out of a job. Fuck my life.

Well, how's this for a big ol' bag of suck: Harrry Potter actor Rupert Grint has Swine Flu. Gee, that sounds like a swell time. 'Cause nothing beats getting an over-hyped but still very unpleasant strain of flu! Fun times...

Harry Potter actor Rupert Grint has contracted swine flu, but is expected to be well enough to attend the London premiere of the new Potter installment on Tuesday, his publicist confirms.

Grint, 20, who stars in the franchise as kid wizard Ron Weasley, called in sick to the set of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- currently filming in London and set for a 2010 release -- but has since recovered. (Source)

It's times like this I kinda wish the Harry Potter series was real, if only to see how they would treat something like this. Probably some magical mumbo jumbo like Swinefluvious rejuvious
and a potion made of Hippogriff jizz.

Here's Ron at the photocall for Cherrybomb:

You'd think Chris Brown would have learned a thing or two about how to treat women after people started demanding his head on a platter after he beat the shit out of Rihanna, but guess what? He didn't. At a party thrown by Diddy and Ashton Kutcher, Chris Brown ended up ditching the girl he showed up with to play tonsel hockey with Max Headroom Amber Rose. Classy.

Brown and Rose locked lips at the July 4 White Party thrown by Sean (Diddy) Combs and Ashton Kutcher in Beverly Hills, spies tell the Daily News.

Brown, 20, arrived at the party with singer Teyana Taylor, an 18-year-old Rihanna look-alike, but is said to have hooked up quickly with Rose. (Source)

As it turns out, Chris Brown still isn't really sure how to act like a gentleman, or a decent human bring in general, really. Call me old fashion, but if you show up to a party with one woman, it's kind of in bad taste to go out and tongue fuck another girl in front of her. But maybe that's just me.

Here's Chris Brown at said party, looking quite the asshole:

Ever wonder what your Third Date Flick says about the path of your relationship? Well feel free to check this bitch out! (Pajiba)

Wanna keep people from speeding? Well, why not throw a bunch of life-size cardboard cut-outs of Brad Pitt all over the place? (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan is being a slut? Huh, must be Thursday again... (Yeeeah!)

Are Megan Fox and Zac Efron dating? I don't know, but the sex would probably be like smashing a Barbie against a Ken Doll while making kissy noises. (BricksAndStones)

Awww, Hayden Pannettiere is single...again. I guess her ex wasn't a big fan of misspelled tattoos and long-ass last names. (The Blemish)

Because you can never have enough Neil Patrick Harris, it looks like he'll be the host for The Emmy Awards. *Swoon* (Seriously? OMG!)

What's more awkward than rekindling a relationship with your ex-boyfriend? How about having your ex's family using you to further their son's career? Classy. (Celebitchy)

David Beckham and Tits McGee have joined forces to sell Calvin Klein underwear. Spiffy! (POTP)

Who's a bigger celebritard? Mariah Carey or J.Lo? Personally, I'm siding with Mariah. Girl couldn't rub two brain cells together to light a match. (College Candy)

Remember how Hayden Panettiere got that tattoo on her back that was totally spelled wrong? Well, just so you know she's aware of it and she doesn't care. In fact, maybe she even did it on purpose! So there! (She didn't.)

She says, "It is misspelled, whatever, I just put my own spin to it. Chances are I'll probably get it fixed, but that's why I love having it on my back because I don't get bored of it. I don't have to stare at it all the time, but then you have it on your back and you don't realize that it's misspelled either! (Source)

So basically, it doesn't matter if it's wrong because she can't see it. Funny, that's also pretty much the same argument people have in support of almost any kind of the Earth's pollution. That's the great thing about ignorance, though. It's just such a universal concept.

Jessica Simpson sang the National Anthem at the AT&T National Golf Tour in Bethesda, Maryland yesterday in a skintight dress with horizontal stripes. Jesus, why does she keep doing this to herself? It's like she's trying to make the cover of Us Weekly again. I think at this point at only fashion faux pas for short, curvy girls she has left to try is to literally wear a dress made out of bacon. Although that's find of an "everyone" faux pas, outside of trade show models at the National Pork Producers Convention.

Following Heidi Montag's deranged twitters earlier this week, Heidi and Spencer went on conspiracy theorist/right-wing nutjob Alex Jones' radio show earlier this week (listen above) to discuss the issues going on today. You know, "the issues."  Like how 9/11 was an inside job, global warming is a hoax and how birth control is "morally corrupting" society:

"I feel like God was telling me that this was something just created by the government that is really bad for my body, and I was just getting sick," she says. "I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they'd never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it's just sickening to him. How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it."

Another topic? Human microchip implantation, which would eliminate the need for credit cards and identification:

"This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body," she says. "My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians....this chip is the end of humanity." (Source)

Wait, so Heidi Montag thinks that getting a chip implanted so you can pay for gas at the pump by swiping your hand is the work of the Devil, but getting giant silicone bags shoved in your tits so you can flaunt them naked in Playboy is God's will? I'm not sure which version of the Bible it is that Heidi's been reading, but I'm starting to strongly suspect that she may have accidentally gotten her hands on a copy that was written by The Onion
.

The Jonas family has happily announced that the eldest Jonas Brother, Kevin, 22, is now engaged to his previously unknown girlfriend, Danielle Deleasa, 21, pictured here.

He surprised Deleasa, a former hairdresser, with a cushion-cut diamond ring he codesigned with Jacob & Co. by showing up at her New Jersey home this morning.

In 2008, Kevin told Details he was waiting until marriage to have sex, and wearing a promise ring from Tiffany's in the meantime. (Source)

No offense, (and when I say "no offense" I almost definitely mean what I'm about to say will be offensive) but when I first looked at the picture of this chick I thought to myself: "kinda looks like Jersey trash." And that was before the part I read that she was actually a hairdresser from New Jersey. So basically, Kevin Jonas is throwing his whole life away so he can have sex with a New Jersey hairdresser. Wow, who says Christians are dumb? If I was forced to marry the first piece of ass I slept with I would have shot myself in the face twenty times by now. Yeah, I don't understand the logistics of how that would work either, but that's probably what it would have felt like anyway.

Here are the 12 Best Movies You've Never Seen, possibly because you were too busy watching Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen...IN MY PANTS! (Pajiba)

As if you need another reason to go see I Love You, Beth Cooper, Hayden Pannehowthefuckdoyouspellhername has a nude scene in it. Spiffy! (Yeeeah!)

Joe Jackson is a lovely, lovely human being. And by "lovely", I mean "I hope he dies of Syphilis". (Celebslam)

Beyonce Knowles is launching a line of junior apparel called Sasha Fierce. Just in case you forgot she has Multiple Personality Disorder. (Celebitchy)

Did Lindsay Lohan's Twitter get cracked? Or was Lindsay the one who was (ahem) cracked? (Lainey Goss)

Meghan McCain thinks her book is like a cross between "Primary Colours" and Tori Spelling's "Stori Telling". Ummmm...Why would you think that's a good thing? (The Blemish)

Here's a first look at the Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel trailer. There is no God. (Seriously? OMG!)

Twelve Michael Jackson fans have commited suicide due to his death. I know it's sad and all, but come on... (HollyWire)

Yeeesh...Looks like Mischa Barton woke up on the wrong side of the dumpster. Take a fucking shower! (CelebSmack)

Here's Leighton Meester on the set of Gossip Girl. (usemycomputer)

Ever wanted to know what Amy Winehouse would look like if she was made out of Lego? No? Well too bad, you're about to find out. (popbytes)

Remember how everyone thought Bradley Cooper was banging Jennifer Aniston? Well, as it turns out, he's currently giving it to Renee Zellweger. Seriously. I guess pretty yet mind-numbingly boring women gets him all happy in the pants or something.

Bradley Cooper has silenced reports he's dating Jennifer Aniston after stepping out with Renee Zellweger for a romantic dinner date in New York.

The Hangover actor has repeatedly denied rumours his relationship with his He's Just Not That Into You co-star Aniston is anything more than platonic, insisting they are really "just friends", despite being snapped dining out together in June. (Source)

Ouch, poor Jennifer Aniston. The girl just can't catch a break, can she? Well, if it's any consolation to her, Bradley Cooper, though insanely hot, is really just a budget-version Matthew McConaughey. And I mean really...If he's willing to bone Renee "Lemonface" Zellweger on a regular basis, he's probably not that bright, is he? Precisely.

Here's Bradley at The Cinema Society and Details Screening of The Hangover:

God I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Like, really really REALLY hate her. She's the kind of girl who probably thinks her farts smell like sunshine and rainbows when in reality they smell like poo and despair. Anyway, she took time out from taking a gigantic GOOP on us to explain why America is such a festering shithole.

"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she tells the Associated Press.

"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more," she continued. "They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their BlackBerry on." (Source)

You've gotta be kidding me...This coming from the woman who made Shallow Hal and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? Fuck off. You're ten times as shallow and vapid as anyone else in America. I've seen puddles with more depth than you. Get your head out of your ass next time you want to bad mouth people for doing their jobs, you holier-than-thou bitch.

Here's Frosty the Snowskank at the premiere of Valentino:

Get ready to start giving two shits about Ugly Betty again: Gay Porn Honcho Michael Lucas is set to have a walk-on role on the show after dropping a shit-ton of money for the Stonewall Community Foundation.

Watch out Wilhelmina! Porn mogul Michael Lucas has a walk-on role in an upcoming episode of ABC's hit show Ugly Betty, which he won through a charity auction held by the Stonewall Community Foundation. Says Lucas, "I paid $18,000.00 for the opportunity, and this is a chance for adult stars to step out of their box. My appearance will also show American audiences that there is no reason a porn star can’t appear on national television." It looks like this hit show may get a bit steamy this season. (Source)

Holy shit...$18,000 for a show no one even watches anymore? Yeesh. I know it's for charity and all, but you could pretty much build a Scrooge McDuck money pool with that kind of cash. Yowza. Anyways, while you're down there, think you can convince the hacks at ABC to bring back Pushing Daisies? Juuuuust puttin' that out there.

Here's some more of Captain Cheekbones for ya. Hope you like abs!

The Jonas Brothers are avoiding an unspecified hotel in London after they got in trouble for trashing their suite. Well I'll be damned. I never knew those little scamps had it in them.

The sibling trio were in the U.K. capital for a gig recently and stayed at an unnamed hotel during their time in the city. And the two youngest brothers, Joe, 19, and 16 year old Nick, wasted no time in tearing up their suite.

Elder brother Kevin Jonas says, "Joe and Nick broke the floorboards of a room in London once by practicing their flips. They moved the coffee table over the top of the hole in the floor. We're probably not going to go back there!" (Source)

No!! Practicing their flips?! Indoors?! Well, it sounds like a certain kitchen staff in a certain London hotel learned the hard way why you don't use too much syrup in the chocolate milk.

Nick Jonas testifying before the senate in support of federal diabetes funding:

Brooke Hogan is releasing a remix for a song called "Judgment Day"on July 4th, which is probably news to everyone, and her father recorded a 1:45 intro to the album. And it is ... Wow. The track, in which Hulk refers to his daughter as "[his] little teeny-weeny Brooke-tini," is like wrestling smack talk with undertones of a creepily inappropriate father-daughter relationship and a healthy dose of pure, unadulterated lunacy. They could literally release the audio tape of Timothy Treadwell being mauled and eaten to death by a grizzly bear and this would still be the most uncomfortable thing I have ever listened to in my life.

Just for fun, remember when this happened: