Thanksgiving movies are like the red-headed stepchild of Christmas movies. (Pajiba)

Lohan was busted drinking and lesbaining on camera! (Yeeeah!)

Oh dear God no. Tara Reid wants to start procreating. (The Blemish)

The other Twilight numbskull discreetly chooses her front stoop to smoke pot. (IDLYITW)

Stupid "Law & Order" is doing an episode based on Heath Ledger's death. So not cool. (Seriously? OMG!)

Guess who doesn't believe that Britney is all better? The guy in charge of her personal wellfare. (Celebitchy)

Melanie Griffith's face has become so ravaged by plastic surgery she only has one facial expression left. (Celebslam)

Tom Cruise is utterly full of Xenu shit. (Agent Bedhead)

Photos are emerging of Frick & Frack's elopement. There's not even enough GAH to go around. (CelebSmack)

Selena Gomez is still hands down my favorite of the Disney slutettes. (usemycomputer)

Leaf Phoenix is so done with being an actor that he's shooting a documentary about how so done with being an actor he is. (Lainey Goss)

Enjoy this special Thanksgiving edition of Harriet Carter Wednesday. (IBBB)

OH JESUS CHRIST! (omg blog)

On a final note, I am taking a bit of a holiday vaca -- and while I may or may not be sporadically posting over the holiday weekend, I won't be back full time 'til Tuesday.

Hope you all have a bitchin' Thanksgiving!

Underhanded: (Adjective) Acting or done in a secret or dishonest way.

I suddenly have a newfound admiration of Ellen Degeneres. Ellen had Mariah Carey on her show yesterday and totally fucked with her, basically tricking her into admitting that she was pregnant. Of course, while tricking Mariah Carey is about as hard as tripping a fat kid, it's still pretty damn funny.

"You don't have to answer that. Let's just toast with champagne," the chat maven benignly offered, after which Mimi became all flustered, first going the feigned shock route and then trying to insist that 3 p.m. was too early for her to start drinking. (Source)

Since when is 3PM too early to start drinking? What is she, Amish? And anyway, it's not like she was asking her to do shots of tequila or anything. Champagne is kind of an "all the time" drink. That's why people sometimes have it in mimosas for breakfast or occasionally replace the Sierra Mist out of their fountain soda cup with Korbel at lunch. What? Well how do you get through the afternoon slump at work?

Anyway, here is Mariah performing at the AMAs this weekend. I can't tell if she's in the early stages of pregnancy because she always looks like she's in the early stages of pregnancy.

Irritating: (Adjective) Of the capacity to make someone annoyed, impatient, or angry.

That asshole from the new Twilight movie was photographed skulking around Los Angeles last night... And, admittedly I don't really have any reason to call him an asshole other than that he just annoys me at face value, and has therefore become a target for my vitriol. Don't you just love how I can almost immediately foster an irrational hatred for a celebrity for almost no reason whatsoever? Because I totally love that. Bring it, fangirls.

Big Winner: (Noun) Someone who wins at something huge.

Brooke Burke was declared the best dancer in F-List Celebrity Gay Retarded Dancing Competition last night, and if you're like me, you previously didn't know or give a rat's ass who Brooke Burke was before now. Turns out she used to host some show on the E! network that's not "The Soup." So, yeah... I guess this means things are really going to turn around for the old career now that she's the best dancer out of a bunch of has-beens, huh? Maybe now she'll get a job hosting something on the Style network. Never stop reaching for your dreams!

Lying A-Holes: (Noun) Deceptive, lying despicable people who are full of lies.

Remember Heidi and Spencer's super secret, spontaneous wedding which was so super secret and spontaneous that it shocked friends and family? Well, it may not have actually been so super secret and spontaneous after all, because an informed source of mine (whose mom is a travel agent) said that getting married in Cabo requires a good deal of red tape which can take up to four days to complete. Here is part of the list of requirements:

•  Current passport as proof of ID and marital status.
•  Certified copy of both party's birth certificates.
•  Tourist card (received upon arrival in Mexico) or visa.
•  Names, addresses, nationalities, occupations and ages of both parents.
•  Health certificate and blood test (hotels will help set up the tests, which must be done in Mexico).
•  Four witnesses (these can be provided by a wedding planner or the hotel locally for an extra fee). Will also need to provide their names, addresses, occupations, ages and photo ID.

So what does this prove? Nothing, really. But since I am fairly sure, at the very least, Heidi couldn't provide the ages of her parents since she can't count past ten -- it does strongly allude to the fact that this alleged super secret, spontaneous wedding was either meticulously planned out for publicity like everything else in their stupid, worthless, godforsaken lives; or that they totally scammed Us Weekly so Spencer cold buy a toilet made of solid gold or something. And I'm really, really hoping it's the second one, and that solid gold toilets aren't refundable after you already poop in them.

Older photos of ol' Dead Behind the Eyes and Gorton's Fisherman Beard eating tacos like they mean it:

Holy awesome, this is the best holiday film guide you will ever read. (Pajiba)

Joey Fatone shows us all where is career is headed has gone. (Seriously? OMG!)

Angelina and the half-doz are really taking their toll on Old Man Pitt. (Yeeeah!)

Kim Cattrall is nekkid. Me no wantee. (The Blemish)

Hahahahaha. Haha. Hahahahahaha. (Celebitchy)

Aww, I love Judith Light, even when she's dressed moronically. (Ayyyy!)

McConaughballs! (cityrag)

Amy Winehouse had another one of her classic "reaction to medications." (CelebWarship)

If Scientology can't figure out a way to cross-continental impregnate than what the hell good are they? (BricksAndStones)

A-Rod sends a big holiday "fuck you" to his children. (POTP)

Hayden Panettiere debuts her handbag collection. God, who doesn't have an effing handbag line? (HQ Celeb)

If you're afraid of heights and AIDS you should probably stay away from Tila Tequila. (IDWYL)

Bicentennial: (Noun) the two-hundredth anniversary of a significant event.

Katherine Heigl celebrated her birthday last night, and I would just like to extend a happy milliondeyth birthday to her! Oh, I'm kidding... She turned 31. On a side note, I also just turned 31, and whenever I hear that ol' Skank Cancer is the same age as me it kinda freaks me out a little. Just because she looks so old. I mean really, really old. I don't look that old. But then again I don't sustain myself entirelly on nicotine, Big Macs and puppydog hearts.

Editor's note: PS: Nice fur coat, shithead.

Dummy: (Noun) A very stupid person.

Oh, if you were wondering, Jessica Simpson is still a big dumb stupidhead. In today's thrilling adventure, Jessica Simpson tries to buy Adidas merchandise in a Nike store. Doh de doh!

"Jessica asked the sales associate helping her where the Adidas sweat pants were," a witness says. Probably at the Adidas store!

"The guy thought she was joking," adds the witness. Nope — the singer just didn't realize that Niketown sells only Nike apparel. Oops! (Source)

Something similar to that happened to me once like six or seven years ago when I asked my ex-boyfriend to go through the Burger King drive-thru to get me a Mandarin Chicken Salad. As in, the ones they sold at Wendy's. (Side note: Do they still have those things? They were awesome!) At any rate, oddly enough, he didn't have the greatest sense of humor about that. But still, while that was dumb of me, the only way it could have been "Jessica Simpson dumb" is if I would have asked him to get me a Big Mac with a side of Nachos Bell Grande.

Squeaky Clean: (Adjective) Beyond reproach; without vice.

Part 256 of Britney's "All Better Now" campaign landed her on the cover of Rolling Stone this month. Doesn't she look so wholesome and healthy? Yep, all better now! In fact, she tells the magazine that K Fed is actually the one screwing the kids up these days.

'Every time they come to visit me, I think about how much they're such special people. '(But they) are starting to learn words like 'stupid', and Preston says the f-word now sometimes.

'He must get it from his daddy (Kevin Federline). I say it, but not around my kids.' (Source)

Remember when Kevin Federline was awarded Father of the Year? Yep, I hear they give you extra points for teaching your kids to swear like a trucker. But really, the fact that these kids aren't smoking meth and getting chicks knocked up already is probably a small victory, so I say let 'em curse to their little hearts delight.

Brit walking through LAX barefoot and getting muzzled by her dad recently: (Yep, all better!)

Adorableness: (Adjective) Inspiring great affection; delightful; charming.

Suri Cruise may not believe in pants, but what's important is that she does believe in cupcakes. And I'm pretty sure 9 out of 10 doctors will tell you cupcakes are better preventives of pneumonia better than pants. Well, it's warming my heart, anyway. You have to admit, this is very, very cute.

That little girl is going to freeze to death.

Sham Marriage: (Noun) A union motivated not so much by love but instead by a desire for political or professional advantage or personal convenience.

Well, despite what I said yesterday, it turns out Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt actually did take their retarded whatever you call it "relationship" to the next level by eloping down in Cabos.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always." (Source)

Well good thing he decided to grow out his neat-o Gorton's Fisherman Beard for the blessed event, anyway. You know, I always thought when the two of them got married they would do it somewhere out in public in broad daylight and only send invitations to every paparazzi in the world, but Us Weekly must have shelled out big bucks for exclusive rights. What I want to know is, why Mexico? Either that must make it easier for their quickie Tijuana divorce or Spencer Pratt is somehow prohibited from marrying in the lower 48 states. Can they take away your right to marry a lady for kiddie pron charges or animal sex? Just a guess.

The eyes! Don't look right at the eyes! There is nothing behind them at all:

Ha! This is totally true. Have you ever known anyone with a soul patch? Well, they were a douchebag, right? Just admit it. (Lainey Goss)

Twilight reaffirms my faith in mankind's stupidity. (Pajiba)

Imagine the most boring calendar ever. (Yeeeah!)

Today in "Amy Winehouse's Fucking Disaster of a Life." (The Blemish)

Suri Cruise is wearing sunglasses? That is just effings ridiculous. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww. Poor Madonna is sad. (Hee!) (Celebitchy)

Bullshit. Heidi and Spencer didn't get married. Otherwise there's be footage of the godforsaken event plastered all over the fugging place. (Celebslam)

A guy with a sword and a gun with a gun had it out at the Scientology center this weekend. Guess who won? (Agent Bedhead)

Awesome. That is all. (CelebSmack)

Miley Cyrus's statuatory rapist boyfriend goes for the "Laugh In" look. (popbytes)

Hooker: (Noun) A cheap, filthy prostitute.

Paris Hilton is already making good on her promise to start being a whore again, dressing like... Uh, this, at the opening of the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at the Viper Room in Hollywood this weekend. Well, maybe Paris didn't so much promise to start being a whore again so much as I promised that she would start acting like one. And do I make good on a promise, or do I make good on a promise? I mean, just look at her! She's like Super Whore now. This level of trashiness is usually only reserved for cheap, Bachelor party strippers who give five dollar hotel bathroom blowjobs.

Thrifty: (Adjective) Of a person using money and other resources carefully and not wastefully.

This story broke last Friday and darn near slipped under my radar, but luckily I was able to catch it in time. Psycho hose beast and overall villainous skank Linda Hogan is claiming that she's broke, despite the $40 grand she's receiving per month in temporary alimony payments.

"They have to tell me why she's out of money. They have to show me in bank statements," Ann Loughridge Kerr, the lawyer for Hulk Hogan -- whose legal name is Terry Bollea -- told the Tampa Bay Tribune. (Source)

Pretty much the only acceptable answer to the question "What the fuck does Linda Hogan spend all her money on?" would be donating $35,000 per month to the family of John Graziano, the kid who's life her loser, delinquent of a son effectively ruined. But unfortunately, the real, more predictable answer is cosmetic surgery and college tuition for her skeevy 19-year-old boyfriend. And on that note, I would also predictably like to say that I hope Linda Hogan dies horribly, preferable by choking on collagen and being set on fire. I don't really can't explain how the fire would factor in with the "choking on collagen" aspect -- but what can I say? It's always been a little dream of mine.

Deranged: (Adjective) Of someone who has become insane.

So, did anyone else know that Megan Fox is completely insane? I mean, I've had my suspicions for awhile, but I'm pretty sure now that's she's certifiable. This is what she had to say about HSM gay Zac Efron:

"I'm obsessed with him. What you don't know is that Zac and I are the same person . . . it's like Janet and Michael [Jackson], we are the same person." (Source)

Uhhh... OK. See, but here's thing thing. Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are not actually the same person. For starters, Janet Jackson has a vagina and Michael Jackson has a mottled, androgynous, Ken doll-esque lump where his penis used to be. For another thing, the most I can see that Megan Fox and Zac Efron have in common are pretty eyelashes and a purported mutual appreciation of having sex with dudes. But really that's all besides the point, because if I were Zac Efron I would take this opportunity to go into hiding before he winds up a taxidermied lamp in Megan Fox's living room.

More of Megan Fox and David Silver at the GQ Men of the Year Awards:

Self-absorbed: (Noun) Preoccupation with one's own emotions, interests, or situation.

The American Music Awards were held last night, and as you can see here, Miley Cyrus celebrated her 16th birthday backstage. And if you were wondering -- yes, she did celebrate her birthday as Disneyland like a month and a half ago -- but of course, that's all inconsequential because as usual, everything is always fucking all about Miley Cyrus. I'm surprised they didn't just rename the stupid award show Miley Cyrus Presents the 2008 American Music Awards Featuring Hannah Montana. Gah.

Gross: (Adjective) Very unpleasant; repulsive.

I don't think I could write a more disgusting story if I sat down and tried, but David Spade and Nicolette Sheridan (pictured above last month) were seen "full-on making out" at a Beverly Hills restaurant this weekend. See? I just vomited a little bit just typing that out.

There to celebrate Sheridan's 45th birthday, the pair -- who arrived separately and began dinner at separate booths -- "couldn't resist each other for long," a source tells Usmagazine.com.

According to the source, Spade winked at Sheridan and was by her side as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake. Later, the pair reportedly holed up in a booth where they "cuddled and kissed." (Source)

Well, congratulations to David Spade for once again pulling in tail way out his league. And congratulations to Nicolette Sheridan, who was engaged to Michael Bolton for two years, for finding someone who makes Michael freaking Bolton look good in comparison. Oh wait, maybe "congratulations" wasn't the right sentiment I was looking for here. Yeah, I think I  definitely meant "I'm sorry."

This is such a publicity stunt. Look, there's even photos of them "arriving separately" Friday night:

ALLLLLL ABOARD! (Agent Bedhead)

Twilight is intoxicating "like convenience-store malt liquor." (Pajiba)

John Mayer finally meets Jennifer Aniston's boring-ass parents. (Yeeeah!)

Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are trying therapy to make her not want the cock anymore. (The Blemish)

Stephanie Tanner splits from husband #2 at the ripe old age of 26. (Seriously? OMG!)

The NY Times is accusing Angelina Jolie of owning the press. Well, she still doesn't own me, now do you Queen Angelina? (Celebitchy)

AnnaLynne McCord from the new "90210" lets it all hang out. Pssst: I mean her boobies. (Celebslam)

Damn. It's like an ass that was carved him God himself. (IDLYITW)

Madonna and Guy: finally fucking over. (CelebSmack)

The lovely Summer Glau the the GQ Men of the Year party. (usemycomputer)

Ooh! John Krasinski and Emily Blunt might may [sic] be dating, maybe. (Lainey Goss)

Heidi Montag looks dead-eyed going through airport security. (IBBB)

Trade-off: (Noun) A balance achieved between two desirable but incompatible features.

In her upcoming documentary, Britney Spears confirms what everyone has pretty much known all along; that is her marriage to Kevin Federline hit the shitter thanks to his complete and utter failure of a rap career.

She says, "He started to do an album for himself and he started to do things for himself, and I just never saw him anymore."

But she was still devastated when she realized the marriage was over: "When it ended I felt so alone. I didn't really wanna think about the reality of it. I never faced it…I just ran." (Source)

Well, I hope looking back now, anyway, Britney can understand that everything happened for the best. I mean, personally, I can imagine a world without PopoZao... But is that is certainly not a world I would want to live in.

More of K-FAT at a restuarant opening in Vegas in September:

Skeletal: (Adjective) Very thin; emaciated.

Oh hey, remember Lara Flynn Boyle? Yeah, she still looks like shit. I bet most doctors and nutritionists would put her at about 75 or 80 pounds these days, but I don't know if that would be a fair assessment. I mean, she's got to be carrying at least 10 pounds in her lips, which would boost her up to damn near 90.

I See Dead People: (Catchphrase) Really annoying, overused cliche popularized by the film The Sixth Sense.

Sorry guys, I totally couldn't help myself. These two couldn't look any more corpse-like if they were sporting massive head wounds or worms coming out of their noses. Both of which I think would actually go fabulously with high couture.

More of Dead and Deader at the grand opening of Atlantis in The Palm:

Figures: (Verb) To do what's completely expected.

The wait to see what retarded thing Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson would name their baby is over! Of course, Gwen Stefani has kind of set the bar pretty high for retarded celebrity baby names with Zuma Nesta Buy Me A Coke Rossdale, but weighing in at 7 pounds and 11 ounces, the asininely named Bronx Mowgli Wentz is still not too shabby.

I guess they picked Bronx after the borough of New York City which neither of them have or would ever step foot in; and Mowgli after the titular character in The Jungle Book. Which is kind of fitting actually, because this kid would literally be better of being raised by a bear from the jungle than old Emo Closet Gay and Spoiled Immature Princess Asshole, here.

Winona Ryder was hospitalized because she overdid it on the Xanax? I for one, am shocked and appalled. (Celebitchy)

Kristen Stewart, star of the new Twilight film, is a charming young woman. (The Blemish)

And speaking, again, of Twilight -- here are the most obnoxious literary trends. (Pajiba)

Henry Winkler and Steve Guttenberg dressed up as butt-pirates. (Seriously? OMG!)

Inside Scarlett Johansson's Allure photoshoot. (Popoholic)

Brandy's jeans were mauled by common sense and decency. (Ayyyy!)

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were fisting each other in public. (Yeeeah!)

Gross. I would rather have sex with a llama than one of these turds. (cityrag)

Naomi Watts is still pregnant by Liev Schreiber. (CelebWarship)

Narcissism: (Noun) Excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.

So here's an interesting little tidbit. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston likes watching herself. On television, pervert. What did you think I meant?

“There are times I don’t even remember that particular show. This is horrible to say, but there are times when I laugh my rear end off,” Aniston says of watching “Friends” reruns in the upcoming New York Times Magazine. “And I get in debates with people who are over and say, ‘ “Friends” is not my thing.’ Excuse you!” (Source)

I'm not even going to get into a discussion on the semantics of whether or not "Friends" is a funny show right now, because the last time I heard someone use the expression that they "laughed their rear end off" at something, it was my grandmother and she was talking about Regis. Good lord, Jennifer Aniston; you sad, lame ball of suck, you.

Ridiculous: (Adjective) Deserving or inviting derision or mockery; absurd.

Madonna showed up at the Gucci UNICEF benefit last night looking like something straight out of a Dr. Seuss novel. If she would have opted for the striped stockings instead of the fishnets some studio handlers with giant nets would have probably come after her and dragged her back to the set of whichever one of those books they're bastardizing into a movie this week.

But hey, at least her face looks slightly less haggard than usual. Those sandblasting sessions must be paying off in spades!

Mistake: (Noun) An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

After recent speculation due to a change in status on his Facebook page, Kelly Osbourne's 18-year-old Amish/model boyfriend Luke Worrall has announced that the two are getting married.

The teenager was clear-headed enough to reveal he and Kelly won't be waiting too long to tie the knot. 'We’re planning to tie the knot in the next few months - it won’t be a long engagement. The wedding will be in the UK,' he told the London Paper last night.

The 19-year-old model apparently let the cat out of the bag on their engagement on his Facebook profile where he changed his relationship status to 'engaged to Kelly Osbourne'. (Source)

Wow, it totally sounds like he's really in love, and not just some famewhore milking the famous chubby daughter of a rock star for everything its worth, huh? I'm just praying to the Celebrity Gods that they actually do get married before she figures it out. Actually, I'm praying to the Celebrity God of irony, in particular -- I call him Ironicus, and I also give him credit for the unraveling of the Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey union.

More of Luke and his sugar momma at fashion week last month:

White Trash: (Noun) Poor and/or ignorant, stupid white people, esp. from the south.

"The Hills" superstar Audrina Patridge stopped by her local Ralph's supermarket recently to stock up on some refreshing Bud Light Lime, the beer of choice for slutty college girls who can't afford Corona. And by "stock up" I mean buy out the entire inventory like somebody told her it was being discontinued. Ugh, I tried that shit once and it was nas-ty. It just goes to show you, money still can't buy you things like class or taste or decorum; but it can buy you enough shitty beer to fill up the Grand Canyon. Oh, and giant fake knockers. It can also buy you that.

Photo credit: Amy Graves

Haha: (Exclamation) Used to represent laughter or amusement.

Huzzah! The circling buzzards can finally land! Paris Hilton has finally gotten tired of posing against Punk Rock Powder and now we all get to rub her failed relationship in her face. It feels like Christmas.

"Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends," a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us.

"Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn't get along with any of her friends," the source tells Us. "Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again." (Source)

If the ever-so-slightly restrained, somewhat less whorey Paris Hilton we've gotten accustomed to for the past 9 months was only a relationship facade, does that mean she's going to be extra whorey from now on? So first I get to rub her breakup in her face, and then I get to rub being a whore in her face. This is awesome. Paris Hilton breaking up with her boyfriend is the gift that keeps on giving.

More of Paris and Punk Rock Powder at the Quantum of My Ass premiere a week ago. Aww, but he looked so happy, didn't he?

Who's got the smallest peckers in Hollywood? (Pajiba)

Guess who People's Sexiest Man Alive and Sexiest Pants-Pisser is this year? (Yeeeah!)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (Celebslam)

Winona Ryder was hospitalized but definitely not for being crazy. (The Blemish)

Tom Cruise finally makes Nazi-humor laughable. (Seriously? OMG!)

Did Gwyenth Paltrow's wiener husband dump her ass? (Celebitchy)

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland totally does look like "Sigorney Weaver in Ghost Busters after she gets possessed." (Agent Bedhead)

What's Miley Cyrus's trick for not getting pregnant? The answer may horrify you! (IDWYL)

Britney Spears on K-Fed: "I've made a huge mistake." (CelebSmack)

Audrina Patridge is such a skank. (usemycomputer)

Most hilarious tabloid cover ever. (popbytes)

You know I am starting to hate this Twilight shit more than Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers and the new "90210" cast combined. (Lainey Goss)

Remember Jesse Camp? If you thought the guy's future would be flashing his dick to photographers, you're absolutely right! (omg blog)

Bestiality: (Noun) Sexual relations between a person and an animal.

In the latest dumbshit ad campaign by PETA, that chick from "3rd Rock from the Sun" gets naked... On a horse. To show how horses are mistreated. No, no, no. It's not a demonstration. Wait, hold on, I'll let her explain it.

Johnston says, "I was blown away by how these horses live, or actually I should say, don't live. The horses go from this horrible job, where they're pulling people through the streets of Manhattan all day, to this tiny jail cell in this building that's like a cramped parking garage. (Source)

I still don't get it. Sure, I can definitely see how carriage horses in New York City is an antiquated practice, but how does getting naked on top of a horse solve anything? And furthermore, it ignores the even bigger issue at hand, because who is going to save the horses from the plight of having D-list, washed-up sitcom actresses grinding their naked cooches all up on their backs?

More of Sally Horsefucker at some ASPCA event last month. Is it just me or is she like totally anorexic now?

Boyfriend-Girlfriend: (Expression) The state of being in a relationship.

Well, well, well! Look who's back to farting in bed together? After months of speculation, Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel showed up at GQ's "2008 Men of the Year" party arm in arm and looking very much a couple. You know how the old saying goes, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to belch in your face and call you a 'fat motherfucker' it's yours forever."

Manscape: (Verb) The grooming of a man's body hair, esp. in the nether regions.

You know why I actually really kind of love Pete Wentz so much? Because, much like friend John Mayer, every time he opens his stupid mouth a treasure trove of unintentional hilarity comes out. In the following exchange, Stinky Pete talks to Elle (a verified woman's magazine) about nude photos that were leaked on the internet two years ago.

ELLE: I don't want you to think I lingered on the photo, but I did notice that you looked groomed down there.

PW: The manscaping? Honestly, I felt slightly overgrown in those pictures. If I had taken them for public consumption, I would have done it differently - groomed a little closer, better lighting.

ELLE: So-called guyliner: What are the most common mistakes?

PW: Wearing it to the point where people only recognize you as 'that guy who wear eyeliner.' I don't really wear it anymore because of that. (Source)

If you've never seen the photos in question, you can view them here. (Although, I'd strongly advise against it.) So if that's "overgrown," then I can only assume that normally he's got nothing down there. Which is the least surprising fact I've learned about Pete Wentz since learning that Pete Wentz is a fan of Twilight. At any rate, I don't think he'll have to worry about being referred to as "that guy who wears eyeliner" anymore. I know I personally plan to refer to him as "little girl genitals" myself, from now on.

More of Little Girl Genitals doing some radio thing with Fall Out Boy last month:

Authentic: (Adjective) Of undisputed origin; genuine.

Katy Perry went on record to say that her boobs aren't fake because apparently she thinks people care and are questioning the validity of her breasts. *Looks around silently while crickets chirp*

Speaking to British newspaper The Sun, she says: "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!" (Source)

So, in summary, Katy Perry's boob's are totally, 100% real. Her personality, bisexuality, attitude, hair, and pretty much every single other thing about her, on the other hand, is still completely fake. But, hey! At least her tits are real, so good for her!

Boobs McGriff unwisely rocking a Cleopatra haircut that makes her stupid face look fat performing at Scalo76:

Milk Cannons: (Noun) A woman's lactating breasts.

Angelina Jolie went on British talk show "GMTV" recently to promote her new film The Changeling, but inevitably the topic turned to -- what else? Breastfeeding twin babies.

"There's this football hold - it's a lot harder than it looks in the books,” she says in the prerecorded interview at her London hotel on Monday. "I did that a few times. I would take turns. It just takes a long time." (Source)

I don't see what the problem is, here. She's got two babies and two breasts. You'd think nature would have planned for this or something. Of course, this is coming from someone who's mom told her the explicit details of where babies come from when I was six years old. And after I got finished repeating them to every other single kid in first grade, I've since made it my mission to know as little about how the female reproductive system works as possible.

More of Morticia and Gomez (thanks, Abby) at a photocall for The Changeling:

Other than "Freaks & Geeks," can you name which other television shows were breeding grounds for eventual greatness? (Pajiba)

Kim Kardashian gets tole to move her fat ass off the beach. True story. (Yeeeah!)

Oh, bullcrap. Nicole and her plastic face aren't going anywhere. (The Blemish)

Neve Campbell and Scott Wolf pop their heads up from obscurity for a mini "Party of Five" reunion. (Seriously? OMG!)

Billy Ray Cyrus says that Miley and her 20-year-old boyfriend "write songs" together. If by "write songs" he means "has lots and lots of oral sex." (Celebitchy)

Here are 10 Creative Ways Ashlee Simpson can induce labor. (Best Week Ever)

Goddamn who is that old lady who no bra on? (Ayyyy!)

Cameltoe cage match set go! (cityrag)

The young stars of this new Twilight bullcrap sound like real sweethearts. (CelebWarship)

A spokesperson for "Access Hollywood" calls Lindsay Lohan's use of the word "colored" unintelligible. Don't they mean unintelligent? (BricksAndStones)

Goth Girl: (Noun) A young woman who characteristically has pale skin, black or red dyed hair, and wears dark eyeliner, black nail polish, and black clothes.

Francis Bean Cobain attended the Twilight premiere last night, because of course she did. But, you know, whatever. If Frances Bean Cobain wants to be into some lame book series about retarded, sexy goth vampires, more power to her. For having Courtney Love as a mother it's more than just a minor victory the poor girl didn't turn out illiterate.

Damns, though. She really is a cutie, ain't she?

Contagious: (Adjective) Of a disease spread from one person or organism to another by direct or indirect contact.

Jonnifer Mayinston are apparently back on full-speed, and had a romantic candlelight dinner in Hollywood last night, blah blah blah.

"They were positively glowing in the candlelight," an onlooker said of the couple, who took a corner table in the dimly lit, Hollywood landmark. "You could see her classic 'Aniston smile' on her face." (Source)

Yikes. My mom always told me if I made "Aniston smile" on my face too much it would freeze like that, but I hear they made some kind of cream for that sort of thing now. She might want to try it.

Ruiner: (Noun) A person who turns everything they touch to shit.

Here is human anal discharge Nick Hogan sporting a faux-hawk recently, and I only hope this can mean an end of the trend once and for all. Logistically, it would make sense, anyway. I mean, you don't see people wearing those little mustaches anymore since Hitler went and ruined them for everyone.

Retrogress: (Verb) Go back to an earlier state, typically a worse one.

Since we all knew it was only a matter of time before she would revert back to her whoring ways, Paris Hilton was seen getting comfortable with her ex, Greek shipping heir/man whore to the celebrities, Stavros Niarchos in Miami this weekend.

"Paris and Stavros were all over each other," the witness tells Star. "They were at the same table for about an hour and then they left together. It didn't seem like Benji was on her mind at all!" (Source)

I guess you can't blame Paris Hilton for being a whore any more than you can blame a dog for rooting through the trash or having an accident in the house. Because when it comes down to it, they're just poor, dumb animals that don't know any better. Then again, my dog doesn't really do that kind of stuff, but my dog is also way smarter than Paris Hilton. She can catch a frisbee right in her mouth! You could never train Paris to do that.

The new Star Trek trailer isn't gay as in homosexual, but gay as in retarded. And actually, a little homosexual, too. (Pajiba)

I went down to the Victoria's Secret at the mall on my lunch today to try to buy one of these ensembles but they must not have hit stores yet. (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse treats a paparazzi to a 6-minute long ramble-session. (The Blemish)

OH MY GOD. Karolina Kurkova isn't a real person! She's a clone!!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

Scarlett Johansson doesn't know why Lindsay Lohan called her a cunt. I'd say it was probably because of either the coke or the booze. (Celebitchy)

Gwenyth Paltrow in the human being equivalent of a cold, wet, limp piece of angel hair pasta. (Celebslam)

Madonna employs her friends to babysit her new boyfriend. Gah. (Agent Bedhead)

What? When did Wanda Sykes turn gay? Oh, since always? That makes sense. (CelebSmack)

I think Katharine McPhee is my favorite ex-"American Idol" person. (usemycomputer)

I'm so glad I'm not alone in thinking that Mario Lopez is a fat-headed gay turd. (Lainey Goss)

Stephanie Tanner looks like a (brightly) painted whore. (IBBB)

Emo: (Adjective) Characteristic of unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle. (Via Urban Dictionary)

In Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz news, during "TRL's" finale Sunday, Pete Wentz confirmed that they didn't have their stupid baby this weekend but did instead say that he did something completely gay and characteristic of himself.

"I went to Chinatown, picked up a bootleg version of Twilight and watched it like, 72, times," Wentz joked. (Source)

I've tried my damndest to avoid this whole Twilight phenomenon, but from what I gather it's a movie based on a series of books written about vampires for 13-year-old girls -- so it seems only natural that Pete Wentz would be into that sort of thing. Between this new revelation, poorly executed eyeliner, the wearing of size-0 jeans, nonsexual appreciation of Ashlee Simpson and inability to menstruate, I'd say the only difference between Pete Wentz and a preteen girl is pure biology.

Reputable: (Adjective) Having a good reputation.

God, this is rich. Did you know that Rumer Willis earned her movie "career" totally by herself? And that her parents didn't help out whatsoever, despite that the first three films she appeared in were alongside her parents? Nope. All by herself.

Dad Bruce says, "She sat us down and said, 'I know you two think you're big shots, but I don't want any help'. And she went off and got work on her own." (Source)

Oh, my ass. If Rumer really wanted to carve out her own career with no help whatsoever she would have told casting directors her name was Babette McClintock, and then the casting directors all would have been "Who let in the minger with the big head?" And then, that of course would have been the hot, quick death of Rumer Willis's acting career.

Ms. Amazing Actress Person at an Obama thing in September. I will say the red hair suits her.

Pig-out: (Noun) a bout of eating a large amount of food.

Normally I try to maintain some sense of decorum around here, and we all know it's really mean and insensitive to make fun of actresses for occasionally stuffing their faces or gaining a couple of pounds, yes? But then again, this is Katherine Heigl, who we all know is evil and has a black heart. I'm kind of torn on this. So just know that I may or may not be holding my nose up with my finger and making oinking noises at the computer right now. You have no way of knowing, really.

Editor's note: Psssssst... I totally am!

Wasteful: (Adjective) Of a person, action, or process using or expending something of value carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.

Lindsay Lohan was attacked by some idiotic French PETA member this weekend, who threw a bag of flour on her as she stepped out of a Paris nightclub on Saturday.

"There is nothing remotely 'fashionable' about the torture and death of animals killed for fur," animal rights group PETA's Robbie LeBlanc told Usmagazine.com in a statement following the incident. "Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all." (Source)

Oh, OK. That's bad then, to torture animals. But apparently, PETA has better things to do than worry about the countless wheat fields that have to be raped so they can have one whole bag of flour that they go and throw on the ground anyway. Hear that sound? That's a stalk of wheat crying.

More of Lindsay and Sam in Paris, pre-flouring:

Dustin reviews Jared Padalecki's Thomas Kincade movie by laughing all over it. (Pajiba)

Amy Winehouse is a crazy ballerina shoe wearing, blood splattered lunatic. (The Blemish)

The bad news is that Paris Hilton got cast by a respected director. The good news is that it's Todd Solondz and he'll probably make her eat dog shit or something in it. (Celebitchy)

Kanye West look time out of his busy schedule of being the voice of our generation to beat up a photographer. (Yeeeah!)

Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof are so cute I could just vomit puke of rainbows and butterflies. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Aniston's "friend" tells what a huge stoner he used to be. Hee! (Celebslam)

Chris Elliot has a daughter who is much cuter and probably much funnier than he is. (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan is getting tired of being only gay. (IDLYITW)

Jennifer Hudson looks super cute in the new Gap ad. (CelebSmack)

Evan Rachel Wood is such a goth-tard. (usemycomputer)

Justin Timberlake and John Mayer join forces to create a Superdouche. (Lainey Goss)

Cram It: (Phrase) Abbreviated from "cram it up your ass."

Hey guys! Who's got one thumb and nothing better to do with his butthole?!

That's right. This guy.

Demure: (Adjective) (Of a woman or her behavior) reserved, modest, and shy.

Remember when I reported the disgustingness of Tila Tequila getting it on with The Mac Guy in Vegas? Well, somebody finally asked her about it, so she gave this exceptionally clever answer:

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and it should just stay there. "I don't remember anything." (Source)

Well that's great for her anyway... But unfortunately for Justin Long, "What Happens In Tila Tequila's Vagina Is Infectious And Will Spread To Rot Anything It Touches.*" See, Mom and Dad? That advertising degree I got was totally worth it.

*Paid for by the travel board of Tila Tequila's Vagina.

More of Tila Tequila making the world an overall worse place to live in simply by existing:

Modest: (Adjective) Unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one's abilities.

Hey everyone, guess who's still insane and egomaniacal? If you said Kanye West, than you probably have a keen sense of the obvious!

"I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice," he said in an interview on Wednesday. "It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan."

"There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums," he said. "And it just came out to be that." (Source)

To be fair, those were probably really nice vacations Justin Timberlake went on. But even if we hadn't been riding Space Mountain, I don't think he could have beaten Kayne West as the "loudest voice in music." Same goes for "whiniest voice" and "most crybabyingest voice."

Kanye and Estelle at the MTV Europe Awards:

Fight: (Verb) To engage in a war or battle.

Ohhhhhh snap! The gloves are totally off in the Taylor Swift-Joe Jonas breakup! After Taylor ran her mouth and told anyone who would listen that A) The Gay Jonas Brother dumped her in a "27-second" phone call and that B) he dumped her for his Eyebrow Twin; now The Gay Jonas Brother is fighting back, albeit totally passive-aggressively and via his myspace page.

For those who have expressed concern over the "27 second" phone call. I called to discuss feelings with the other person. Those feelings were obviously not well received. I did not end the conversation. Someone else did. Phone calls can only last as long as the person on the other end of the line is willing to talk. A phone call can be pretty short when someone else ends the call. The only difference in this conversation was that I shared something the other person did not want to hear. (Source)

You know, these situations are kind of sad, because there really are no winners -- only losers. The biggest loser being the 31-year-old gossip blogger who sits on the edge of her seat with bated breath waiting to hear what happens next in the public breakup of two teenyboppers.

How do I know Joe Jonas is gay? Here is Taylor Swift at the CMA Awards. I believe the legal term is "I rest my case."

Unsexy: (Adjective) Not sexually attractive or exciting.

If there's one thing I've learned to rely on Mariah Carey for, it's being totally creepy in a sexual way. So in the December issue of Redbook, Mariah explains why you don't ever want to go to Mariah Carey's house for Christmas.

"I always get Santa lingerie, even if nobody sees it," the singer, 39, tells Redbook' for its December issue. "But this year it will be appreciated!"

"[My girlfriends and I] go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis, then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in," says the songbird, who usually opts for "a red bikini with a Santa hat." (Source)

So what does everyone think Manservant Husband's Christmas outfit is gonna be? My bet is on a holiday-themed thong with reindeer antlers on his head. Which isn't nearly as sexy as it sounds, as he will more than likely literally wind up pulling Mariah Carey around in a sleigh in it.

More of Mariah in (what else?) a red bikini on Halloween:

Tara Reid's tits are wonkier than ever. (Yeeeah!)

Suri Cruise finally has a real life living friend, (Seriously? OMG!)

Taylor Swift will totally write a song about your small penis if you dump her. (The Blemish)

Britney Spears' kid is allergic to fried chicken. Oh, the sad, sad irony. (Celebitchy)

The burning question is, how will the changes to America effect "The Daily Show?" (Pajiba)

Brody Jenner has his own website now, which will probably only be of interest if he mentions you on it. (Best Week Ever)

Amy Adams rocks the old-timey glamour. (usemycomputer)

Finally, catch a glimpse at Harry Potter's wang. (cityrag)

You just never know when Brad Pitt will call you up to bitch about something. (CelebWarship)

Heigl still loves herself some cancer sticks. (BricksAndStones)

Fergie is packing on the pounds by eating fried fish. Ew. (HQ Celeb)

Jessica Biel is finally looking more womanly than Justin Timberlake. (Popoholic)

Nostaglic hottie Marisa Tomei is back and still looks pretty damn cute. (IDWYL)

Romanticism: (Noun) The state or quality of being romantic.

Just in case you had the gall to think Madonna and A-Rod's relationship didn't go deeper than bench presses and fucking, she'll have you know he has the deep and complex soul of a poet. So there.

Sources close to Madge tell the Chicago Sun-Times she's so smitten with her rumored Yankee lover, she informed a close pal he "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body." Rodriguez, meanwhile, has been writing "sweet, personal and rambling expressions of his feelings," the paper reports. "Sort of like old-fashioned love notes." (Source)

Oh yeah, he sounds like a regular Lord Byron. If only Lord Byron had also been adept at hitting a ball with a big stick and then running really fast. I guess that's what makes the difference between a regular old poet and a Renaissance Man like A-Rod.

Yeah, yeah. Madonna is still gross, as of last weekend:

Memories: (Pl. Noun) Something remembered from the past; a recollection.

Michael Jackson officially has given up control of his infamous Neverland Ranch. The new owner is reportedly a company called Sycamore Valley Ranch Co. LLC, and it is unknown what is to become of the property. Talk about the end of an era. Now Michael Jackson is going to have to go back to just doing it the old fashioned way, with just a van and some candy.

I swear, he looks more like a monster every time I see a picture of him:

Hottie: (Noun) A sexually attractive person.

If any of you ladies out there had to change your underpants after viewing these photos of George Clooney, don't worry, it's a perfectly natural reaction. For anyone whose turn-ons include "men who smoke pipes" and "men who smoke pipes while wearing smoking jackets and drinking brandy out of elaborate crystal decanters," anyway.

Silver Fox, what happened to you?

Homage: (Noun) Special honor or respect shown publicly.

The CMA Awards were last night... And, whatever. Carrie Underwood won something I think. Yawnsville. As usual, I was more interested in whatever bizarre crap came out of Miley Cyrus's mouth, like this little nugget of Southern Christian platitude:

"My daddy said that I should wear it up and put it in a 'Get your hair as high and close to Jesus as possible' type hairdo," said the Hannah Montana star. "I said, 'Daddy, I don’t think I can get it any higher, but I did my best.'" (Source)

I don't know if this is necessarily what she meant, but I guess that's better than how she normally gets close to Jesus, which is by getting it on with a 20-year-old underwear model who looks just like her dad. Most people don't know this, but Jesus is just as big a sucker for statutory rape and incest as he is for fancy, Southern-fried hairdos.

More of Miley and her Boyfriend-Dad twins at the CMA Awards:

Daddy Issues: (Noun) A woman who had a dysfunctional relationship with her father or absence of a father figure during childhood and tries to overcompensate in relationships with men.

Kendra Wilkinson's fiancee, Philadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett -- who she is marrying at the Playboy Mansion this summer -- told reporters that he needed Hugh Hefner's blessing because he's "like a father to her." Gross.

"Hef is like a father to her so he's going to be the one to give her away," Baskett told an ABC affiliate in Philadelphia Tuesday. "That's why I wanted his blessings and her mom's blessing."(Source)

Well, technically he's like a grandfather to her... But really, semantics are the least problematic thing about that statement. I can't really say much, though, because I guess you could say my ex-boyfriend was like a brother to me. No really, his brother was actually married to my sister. I think that legally did make him my brother-in-law. So, yeah... We had to break that off eventually because it was just too weird.

More of Kendra and the other two the the launch of Playboy's Fragrances For Men:

Paris Hilton is the best thing about Paris Hilton's new movie. So in other words, yes, it totally blows. (Pajiba)

Hillary Duff channels good, old-timey, pre-steroids Madonna. (usemycomputer)

Is Rihanna Riknocked up? (Yeeeah!)

If a million geeks ejaculate simultaneously, do you think it will throw off the space-time continuum? (The Blemish)

Everybody Loves Raymond's brother assaulted some photographers. (Seriously? OMG!)

The National Enquirer is claming that Cindy McCain is having an affair. Boy, it is really not that guy's week, huh? (Celebitchy)

A-Rod is buying his little lady presents. (Celebslam)

Ha ha ha! Kate Moss calls Marky Mark a "dickhead." Sweet! (Agent Bedhead)

Christina Aguilera says that she "lives under a rock." (CelebSmack)

Jennifer Aniston may be pathetic but her body is still sick. In a good way. (Lainey Goss)

OMG PUPPY WHISTLE! (omg blog)

Realistic: (Adjective) Representing familiar things in a way that is accurate or true to life.

This is a promo image for Britney Spears' new album, "Circus," and as you can see, Britney is looking as natural and beautiful as ever! In fact, the last time I saw her looking so fantastic was that night she rode through my living room on a unicorn and handed me a flower before galloping off into the night. After that, I swore never to mix "work" with "chugging half a bottle of absinthe" ever again.

Fanatic: (Noun) A person with an obsessive interest in and enthusiasm for something.

In "News That's Really Not Funny But Kinda Is" news, an "extreme" Paula Abdul fan, Paula Goodspeed, was found dead in a vehicle outside of Abdul's Los Angeles residence due to apparent self-inflicted reasons.

Her rep tells Entertainment Tonight that the woman had been an extreme fan and had "issues." They knew about her for "several years," her rep tells ET.

The license plate to Goodspeed's car read "ABL LV"; a picture of Abdul hung from the rear-view mirror. (Source)

So the crazy Paula Abdul fan who offed herself outside of Paula Abdul's house had "issues." Well that's the understatement of all time. In fact, if you looked up the word understatement in the dictionary, there should just be a picture of the girl who killed herself over Paula Abdul with a caption reading "had issues."

Editor's note: insert your own M.C. Scatcat joke here.

Skeevy: (Adjective) Sleazy, creepy, and disgusting.

Question: What is even weirder than Miley Cyrus and her underwear model boyfriend attending Stephen (the creepy, religious one) Baldwin's Christian Bookstore book signing? That Stephen Baldwin also has a "Hannah Montana" tattoo on his upper bicep. Oooo-kay...

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. (Source)

Well, on the bright side, a Baldwin other than Alec got some work and all he had to do was permanently alter his body. Still, it's got to be better than what he did to land that starring role in Bio-Dome, which -- if you believe the rumors -- involved peanut butter and Pauly Shore's taint. But that's all I'm saying about that until the footage eventually surfaces on YouTube.

Oh Snap: (Exclamation) Typical reaction to someone's insulting words or actions.

Poor Taylor Swift. Just weeks after the Gay Jonas Brother dumped her and broke her poor, little heart -- over the phone, no less -- he's already gone and found himself a brand new beard, 22-year-old 10,000 BC actress Camilla Belle. The nerve!

After a rocky end to his relationship with the country darling, which Swift talked and sang about, the middle Jonas brother, 19, quietly began seeing 22-year-old Belle, who starred in the Jonas Brothers video "Lovebug."

"They met on the set of his music video," says the source. "All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that's why they asked her to be in it." (Source)

I think it's common knowledge that Joe Jonas is the gayer than a Richard Simmons-Liberace lovechild. But going solely on the fact that both his and Camilla's eyebrows look like they've been drawn on in magic marker, I think they're going to make a perfect sham couple.

Poor, dumb, clueless Taylor Swift at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards:

Uh-oh: (Exclamation) Used to express alarm, dismay, or realization of a difficulty.

Britney, Aunt Jamie Lynn and the boys took a little dangerous reptile watching constitutional down to the Kliebert's Turtle and Alligator Tours in Hammond, Louisiana yesterday. I dunno, but any Spears Family Outing involving anything ending in "ocidile" or "ligator" sounds about as good an idea as setting a bull lose in the "Dinnerware" aisle of the Wal-Mart.

Editor's note: Notice Jayden James' sporting his very first wife beater. Awww. Just like daddy.

Count down the five best roles of that hot, sexy nugget; Paul Rudd. (Pajiba)

Beyonce's new image is... A pirate? (HQ Celeb)

After all Lindsay Lohan has ever done, I think right now I'm the most embarrassed for her. (Yeeeah!)

Madonna sounds like pretty much the best, most funnest mom ever. (The Blemish)

Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze Buffy Gellar is looking kinda better. (Seriously? OMG!)

No matter what John Mayer says or does, he's still an annoying doucheknuckle. (Celebitchy)

What the hell is wrong with Christina Aguilera? (Ayyyy!)

Damns, I didn't realize how many shitty tattoos Britney Spears has. (cityrag)

Marky Mark is a total lying asshole. (CelebWarship)

Brad Pitt sports skeevy mustache; isn't recognized by security. (BricksAndStones)

Watch Joe Scarborough drop the F-Bomb on live TV. (Rad Report)

Damns, that guy from Journey is looking rough these days. Don't stop believin', man! And don't stop getting your ass to the gym to do some chest presses or something. Those pecs are looking mighty saggy, even for a guy your age.

Revenge: (Noun) The action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.

Christmas is coming early this year! After four whole years, Jennifer Aniston is finally speaking out about Angelina Jolie stealing her husband in the December issue of Vogue. This is huge! So just what kind of scathing insults can we expect her to fire?

In an outburst that will lift the lid on their four-year feud, Miss Aniston icily told the publication: 'What Angelina did was very uncool'. (Source)

Sigh... Oh, Jennifer. You sad, pathetic doormat. When somebody stole my Coke Zero out of the fridge at work, that was uncool. Somebody stealing your husband and then flaunting it all over the world with a menagerie of a half-dozen kids and then bragging about it to the NY Times doesn't call for anything less than phrases involving the words "conniving," "filthy" and "whore." Get a backbone already, Aniston... And then you do, pistol-whip the motherloving hell out of somebody with it. Like I always say, the best therapy is violence.

Angelina laughing over how lame Jennifer Aniston is at the Kung Fu Panda DVD release:

Weird: (Adjective) Very strange; bizarre.

God, gross. If child stars actually have to age and grow up, why can't they be hidden away from society or put on their own secluded island? Kind of like lepers used to be. That would be great. Just a special island for child stars and people with their skin falling off.

Respectable: (Adjective) Of a person's appearance, clothes, or behavior being decent or presentable.

Katy Perry classed up an AIDS charity event in Toronto last night by convulsing around stage and showing everything her tits and crotch. They say it's a thin line between when it is or isn't acceptable to show your tits and crotch at a charity function, but a little rule of thumb I personally like to follow is not ever.

Pigeonholed: (Noun) A category to which someone or something is assigned.

I've got sad news for "How I Met Your Mother" fans this morning. The show has now apparently taken stunt-casting to the levels of obscene and have tapped into the great acting talents of Heidi and Spencer for a guest-starring role.

“Heidi and I are honored to be part of such a successful show," Pratt told Us. He joked: "I don’t want to give anything away...but I’m the Mother.”'

"We can confirm that Heidi and Spencer will appear on the show, but we can't give away anything specific about the episode," Co-creator and Executive-Producer Craig Thomas said. "All we can say is that they play themselves." (Source)

Oh, of course they're playing themselves. I'd have an easier time teaching my dog to answer to a different name than these two dumbasses. But of course, having stupid actors play themselves is a time-honored tradition in Hollywood. If they'd have called it "According to Chuck" Jim Belushi would have never made it past the first reading.

More of Dumb and Dumber at an "Autism Speaks" event last night, pun intended:

Whatever happened to Breckin Meyer and Ethan Embry and the oral sex dude from American Pie? (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan is denying she's a lesbo. This is going to make for an awkward Thanksgiving at the Ronson household. (Shut up, I know they're British!) (Lainey Goss)

In other Lindsay Lohan news, she and her less famous twin sister hit up Vegas. (The Blemish)

Meredith Viera was kind enough to point out how much Matt Lauer sucks at marriage on the "Today" show. (divorce-on-the-today-show/">Yeeeah!)

Mayim "Blossom" Bialik is still wearing those stupid hats of hers. (Seriously? OMG!)

Another day, another Disney pop-skanklet gets busted for nude pics. (bailon-nude/">Celebslam)

Goddammit. Madonna's coming back here and she wants to bring her little dog, too. (Agent Bedhead)

Now, now... Just because Britney Spears' kid had a seizure and became unresponsive in her protection doesn't mean it's necessarily her fault. (IDLYITW)

Denise Richards gives us her best crazy eyes. (CelebSmack)

Dido is still cute; still compels me to juvenilely misspell her name. (usemycomputer)

Angelina Jolie did something someplace today.....yawn. (popbytes)

Holy tits! Here's an exclusive look into Heidi Montag's resume! (IBBB)

Celine Dion is insisting that her little girl boy has never wanted a haircut. (Celebitchy)

Old: (Adjective) Having lived for a long time; no longer young.

Remember back in the early 90's when Cindy Crawford was like totally it? Well, clearly that was two kids and fifteen years ago, because daaamns. I wasn't sure if I was looking at pictures from Vogue or Senior Citizens Quarterly. Really, I'm just kind of embarrassed for her. Wanting to relive your glory days is one thing but this is just sad. And pathetic. And gross. But mostly sad.

Editor's note: Shut up, shut up, shut up. Yes, I'm totally kidding.

Type: (Noun) The sort of person one likes or finds attractive.

21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood, who recently broke up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson, just released a statement to People denying that she's romantically involved with her 56-year-old co-star Mickey Rourke. Got all that?

"Mickey and I bonded while shooting The Wrestler and we became friends, but nothing more. I guess, because of my recent break up, I will be linked to many people, but I am not interested in pursuing a relationship at this point in my life. Any such rumor should not be taken seriously." (Source)

See? They just bonded. Well that's nice that they're not putting any kind of label on their "bonding" anyway, because this way middle-aged night managers who work at the Sunoco and live with their mothers don't have to give up the dream that they, too, can date a barely legal, nubile goth chick with obvious daddy issues. Reach for the stars!

More of Evan and Mickey bonding at the Venice Film Festival back in September:

Discreet: (Adjective) Careful and circumspect in one's speech or actions.

Oh jeez, this can't be good. Mariah Carey says she wants to -- knock on wood -- start reproducing now that she's found her special Mr. Mariah Carey. However, she plans to keep her baby news secret until something is definite.

She says, "I've changed my mind because I am with The One. I think we would make good parents and that we'd be able to figure everything out together."

She adds, "People are constantly asking me if I'm pregnant, but I don't like to talk about it too much. I just think about it as the next phase. We'll see." (Source)

No offense to Mariah Carey... Well, that's not true, because this is kind of offensive to Mariah Carey -- but I don't think anyone is going to have to wonder about the state of her uterus. Thankfully, since Mariah's various outfits leave very, very little to the imagination, I think everyone is going to know damn well the second she gets pregnant. Since I happen to be an expert when it comes to these things, I can personally tell just from looking at Mariah Carey whether she had a salad for lunch or Popeye's Chicken.

More of Mariah and some waiter Manservant Husband backstage at the World Music Awards last night:

Hindsight: (Noun) Understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened.

Everyone's favorite adulterous couple, Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty, have called it quits. Aww, how sad. Following rumors when she was seen out partying by herself in London recently; Sienna herself confirmed it during an all-nighter Friday night.

Sienna's first stop was the star-studded Hollywood Dominoes: VIP launch event at Mosimann's where she confirmed the split to American magazine Us Weekly. She told the magazine: 'I'm single at the moment, and I'm completely happy with that. 'It's nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. 'I'm cool with being on my own.' (Source)

Balthazar Getty, however, could not be reached for comment as he is no doubt groveling at the feet of his estranged wife and mother of his four children. What kind of gift best says, "I'm sorry I left you for four months to go run off with some whore and let the press take pictures of me groping her nekkid boobies?" Diamond jewelry or a new house? Hell, I'm thinking a house -- wait for it -- made out of diamonds.

Homewrecker McWhoresmash at the Hollywood Dominoes event Friday:

Special: (Adjective) Better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.

At a performance last week, Mr. Gwen Stefani -- who apparently does still perform, unbeknownst to me -- compared his new baby Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale to Buddha.

"He's super mellow, and at the moment very Buddha-like," Rossdale told PEOPLE at BAFTA/LA's Brittania Awards, where he performed Thursday night. (Source)

Oh, big wow. What baby isn't kind of Buddha-like? From what I've seen, Zuma doesn't seem any more "Buddha-like" than any other baby I've ever looked at, with his little sausage limbs and big fat bald head. I'd also accept: Stay-Puft Marshmallow Baby or Pillsbury Doughbaby.

More of Gwen and her Buddha-Baby and that other kid at the park recently:

Which cartoon women would you want to bang? (Pajiba)

What do you get when you cross a diva and Robocop? (Seriously? OMG!)

Drew Barrymore is the Lesbian's Choice. Well, I definitely know I'm not gay, because I hate the shit out of Drew Barrymore. (Yeeeah!)

Courtney Love, enemy of the gays, is thrilled that Prop 8 passed. (Celebitchy)

Hayden Panettiere looks one part flamenco dancer, one part Princess Leia sex slave, one part troll hooker. (The Blemish)

Guy Ritchie is like a ex-con experiencing his first breath of freedom. (Celebslam)

Evan Rachel Wood finally woke up and smelt the middle-aged goth loser. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennifer Hudson's sister is creepy and inappropriate. (CelebSmack)

More of Gwenyth Paltrow's retarded see-through outfit. (usemycomputer)

Victoria Beckham totally got cab cooties. (Lainey Goss)

Shemale: (Noun) A woman with a penis.

Paris Hilton attended the premiere of her new movie Repo! A Genetic Opera last night looking the most transvestitish I've ever seen her look before. Seriously, I even to kind of squint to make sure it was definitely her and not a female impersonator doing Paris Hilton. Which is really saying something considering I look at pictures of Paris Hilton so much I could literally get my PhD in Paris Hilton. That may not sound so impressive, but whatever -- it's more useful than a history degree or some shit.

Phony: (Adjective) Not genuine; fraudulent.

Madonna had her BFF 4EVA Britney Spears join her onstage for the L.A. stop of her "Sticky and Gross" tour at Dodger's Stadium last night.

Clad in a white tuxedo-style shirt and black wide-leg trousers, Spears walked on stage -- to thunderous applause -- at the end of Madonna's tune "Human Nature," singing the last verse. Pointing to Spears, Madonna then yelled, "She's not your bitch!"

Although Spears didn't dance, Madonna spun around her, hugged her and kissed her hand. (Source)

Yeah! Britney Spears isn't our bitch! She's Madonna's bitch. Everyone knows that. That's why whenever Madonna feels like she's slipping into irrelevancy she calls on her to do her bidding. And you know, because Britney Spears is just like a big, dumb Golden Retriever, she does whatever Madonna tells her to. I guess you could say it's kind of a symbiotic relationship... Except Britney doesn't really get anything out of it and Madonna is totally just using her.

Clever: (Adjective) Superficially ingenious or witty.

Katy Perry attended the MTV Europe Music Awards last night wisely pairing an eye-boob dress with a sparkly cupcake purse. Because did you see the purse? She really wants to make sure you don't forget to notice the purse. So if you were wondering, Katy Perry could get sprayed by five skunks simultaneously and dropped into a giant pile of manure, and the stink of trying too hard would still be the hardest thing to wash off.

Liberation: (Verb) Set someone free from a situation, esp. imprisonment or slavery, in which their liberty is severely restricted.

Nicole Kidman better watch what she says, or else the Scientology patrol is going to hunt her down and break that girly husband of hers knees or something. In a recent interview Nicole tells how being married to Tom Cruise held her back. No shit!

Kidman, who is now married to country star Keith Urban, tells the December issue of Glamour magazine, "I felt I became a star only by association. I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and be seen and not heard." (Source)

Bitter much, Nicole? I guess it must be really hard for her, what with seeing how being married to Tom Cruise has only helped Katie Holmes' career. I mean, before Tom, she was like starring some in stupid Batman movie or something, and now she headlines films with Queen Latifah. That's the Queen Latifah. A-List, bitches. Plus she gets her picture taken like all the time and we all talk about what jeans she's wearing. You can't buy that kind of publicity.

Scientology's version of Anne Frank sneaking away in the night:

Dustin finally confirms what we've long suspected: that he loves butthole. (Pajiba)

Oh. My. God. I hate the Hogans. Hate hate hate hate. Die. Hate. (The Blemish)

Lisa Rinna has a secret: she's had some work done. NO! (Yeeeah!)

Tom and Katie are planning to make a baby boy. You heard me. (Celebitchy)

...Even though they're currently fucking up the first one. (Seriously? OMG!)

Judge Judy can spot a loser like Where's Waldo. (cityrag)

Katy Perry dresses like a butthole. (Ayyyy!)

Sounds like Minnie Driver could benefit from a trip to old Maury Povich. (CelebWarship)

Mandy Moore and Bananas Foster are so in love. (BricksAndStones)

Hillary Duff is going for rock glam these days, (HQ Celeb)

Double Standard: (Noun) A rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.

In an interview with Page Six Magazine, Rebecca Romijn, who is preggers with twin girls, talks about the feeling of this wonderful gift of life growing inside her.

“I can’t move anymore…I’m a beached whale! ...I have not been without a bra this entire pregnancy. I refuse. I’m not taking any chances. I’m determined to keep the puppies up!”

See now, this is just bullcrap. When I compare pregnant women to beached whales, I get commenters crawling so far up my ass it tickles the back of my throat -- much less referring to a woman's breast as puppies. But I guess that's just supposed to be A-OK for Rebecca Romijn to say it, just because she's pregnant and talking about herslef. Well fine, whatever. But if she makes jokes about her baby being ugly or weird-looking or having a fat, bald head, that's where I draw the fucking line.

More of Fatty Fatty Two By Four wading around L.A.:

Spoiled Brat: (Phrase) a child, typically a badly behaved one, treated with excessive kindness and generosity.

Great news, Ali Lohan is already running her stupid maw about getting her driver's license! Even better news, she's got her sights set on a small tank for her first vehicle! Vroom vroom!

“I’m so excited (about turning 16),” Lohan told Life & Style. “I always ask my mom, ‘Can I drive your car in the parking lot?’ And she’s like, ‘No.’

Lohan has another two years before she’ll be able to get a learner’s permit, but she told the magazine she’s got her first car picked out. “I want a BMW truck!” (Source)

No worries, two years will be here before she knows it. And in the meantime she can practice the fine art of exiting a vehicle in a mini-skirt with no underpants, learning which types of alcohol are least detectable on the breath, the ins and outs of high-speed police chases, booking rehabs, and work on building up that legal defense team which is going to come in pret-ty handy once she gets a hold of that license.

More of Ali and Dina hoe'ing it up on Halloween:

Popular: (Adjective) Liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people.

Lately Ashton Kutcher has been bragging about how much he loves assistant coaching at a North Hollywood school district, but guess what? The kids he coaches hate his stupid ass just as much as everybody else does. Ha ha ha!

"The kids want him gone," says an insider. "They think he doesn't know what he's talking about and can't stand his tough-guy attitude."

Out of the huddle, the kids mock their famous coach and have even given him a special nickname: Ashton Doucher! (Source)

I guess old Ashton is finding out the hard way that yanking a football out from in front or somebody right before they kick it doesn't win you the love and affection of everyone like in the "Peanuts" comic strip. Except... Now that I think about it everyone kind of hated that Lucy bitch, didn't they? Boy, did she ever ruin everybody's day all the time. Just an overall unpleasant person to be around, I'd gather. Ohhh, right.

Mr. and Mrs. Demi Moore at some thing back in September:

Paint the Town Red: (Phrase) To celebrate and enjoy oneself; go out on the town.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was released was jail yesterday and Amy celebrated by smoking crack, getting falling down drunk, attacking photographers and sucking on some old dude's knuckle. You know, some of her favorite past times. Unfortunately, her husband wasn't so much there for the festivities, but I'm sure somebody will probably tell her he got out of jail in a few days when she wakes up.

More of Amy beating on some guy's camera like it's a pinata that's going to open up and spill forth delicious morsels of crack all over the ground:

Rebound: (Verb) The process of bouncing back with someone else after the ending of a romantic or sexual relationship.

According to EOnline, Kendra Wilkinson may have gotten engaged over the weekend to her new boyfriend Hank Baskett of the Philadelphia Eagles. Not that she's in a hurry or anything.

Both fams were present for the proposal, and Ken-babe seemed completely shell-shocked at the revealed ring. H.B. even got down on one knee to pop the big q to the former Playmate. Tho our source swears she saw the whole happy event with her own eyes, we inquired with K's reps...haven't heard back. (Source)

I know what you're thinking... Right? This does come pretty soon after her breakup with Hugh Hefner. But it's like my grandmother always used to say: once you find a man who doesn't share you with two other women and make you hand-feed him strained peas while he wears a bib? Honey you just grab on to that one and never let go. Yeah, she dated some guys with commitment issues those last couple of years in the nursing home.

Kendra with some other sluts and a TGI's waitress at the Playboy Halloween party this year:

I sure hope Selma Blair is getting paid extra to dress like this. (usemycomputer)

Guy Ritchie tries to drink away the memories of sex with Madonna. (Celebslam)

A look back at the fantastically underrated Tao of Steve. (Pajiba)

Gwyneth Paltrow wears a see-through dress. Klassy with a K. (The Blemish)

Steve Guttenberg is so totally hilarious. What a card! Still got it, Gute! (Yeeeah!)

The other Stacy (without the "E") totally ran into one of the "90210" stars at Taco Bell. I guess those girls really do eat, after all. (Seriously? OMG!)

Carnie Wilson thinks we want to hear the gross details of her pregnancy and sex life. (Celebitchy)

The Olsen Twins are the least voluptuous-looking pinups I've seen in my life. (Agent Bedhead)

Paris Hilton claims to be "all-natural." What, silicone comes from nature, right? (CelebSmack)

If Aniston is preggers with twins I will eat my shoe. Luckily, it's made out of licorice. (popbytes)

Who else thinks Seth Meyers is a total F'in hunk?? (Lainey Goss)

Reward: (Noun) A thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement.

Since Nick Hogan spent like six months in jails and has learned his lesson why it's totally bad to drive recklessly and put your friends into lifelong, vegetative states -- Hulk Hogan took him on a trip to Vegas to kick back and attend an automotive trade event. I am not making that up.

"They are staying here until Friday," a source tells E! News. "They were very clear that this a relaxing getaway for Nick and not a party trip. They are looking to take it easy this week." (Source)

I guess that shouldn't be too hard, since a relaxing night for Nick Hogan is basically any night that he doesn't end with him getting wasted, driving an automobile erratically and more or less ending someone's life. Good thing there are plenty of other safe things to do in Vegas, like gambling and legalized prostitution. Unless of course you catch some kind of mutant strain of syphilis from a Vegas hooker which attacks the nervous system and leaves him in a coma. Because that would be horrible.

*crosses fingers*

Humble: (Adjective) Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance.

If you were excited about Barack Obama winning the election for President of the United States last night, than you'll probably be interested to know that Puff Daddy had no small part in the victory.

"I felt like my vote was the vote that put him into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had," the hip-hop mogul said.

"I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids," he said. "It was all there at one time. It was a joyous moment." (Source)

Do you think every time Diddy passes his morning constitutional he takes a photograph and records it for posterity? I can see it now; a gold-bound ledger entited "Diddy's Movements," complete with date, ounces, what he consumed leading up to the poo and finally a brief summary describing the sense of pride it led him to feel.

More of Pufftard at an Obama rally he hosted with Jay-Z earlier this week:

Disgusting: (Adjective) A feeling of revulsion or profound disapproval aroused by something unpleasant or offensive.

Here's some disappointing news for anyone who actually thought The Mac Guy was attractive: The Mac Guy is now ruined for all women. Apparently, following the premiere of Criss Angel's "Believe" show in Vegas on Halloween (both pictured above from that event, not together) Justin Long hooked with radioactive whore Tila Tequila.

Spies said the two were spotted at Los Angeles airport and nightclub Noir, where Long "asked her to straddle him while making out. Eww," our spy sniffed. A rep for Long didn't get back to us. (Source)

From Drew Barrymore to Kirsten Dunst to Tila Tequila. Nicely done. It's one thing to scrape the barrel and quite another to check it for pussing sores before diving on in. I just hope Apple is taking note. I've been a faithful Mac user for over ten years now but his affiliation with the brand is seriously making me consider switching teams. If there was a worldwide zombie epidemic this asshole couldn't sell me the antidote.

Gonorrhea Tequila at the Hollywood Life Style Awards last month:

Throw Away Vote: (Phrase) A vote that is meaningless or irrelevant.

God. Seriously? Paris Hilton brought a camera crew with her to vote? Great. Good job, Paris -- I'm sure your vote for President Rainbow Brite and yes on whatever number Prop supplies free, over-the-counter Valtrex to all the dumb whores in California was very helpful to the democratic process. You should be commended for such selflessness. And when I say "commended" I mean thrown into a piranha-infested river wearing a string bikini made of raw meat.

Monumental: (Adjective) Great in importance, extent, or size.

Wow. Thanks America, for getting it right this time. I literally orgasmed when they called the election last night. Although, that may or may not have had something to do with me nailing my hot-ass boyfriend at the time. What? I mean, what did you do during election coverage? Eat red, white and blue cake or some shit?

Well now! Here's something incredibly timely! The 10 Greatest Fictional Presidents. (Pajiba)

Daniel Craig is totally hitting that. (IDWYL)

What?! Lindsay Lohan replaced for Denise Richards? That's bad, even for Lindsay Lohan. (Yeeeah!)

Jennifer Aniston is a dog-hater, and you know only evil people hate dogs. (The Blemish)

Bud Bundy and Parker Lewis are joining forces? Jigga wha? (Seriously? OMG!)

Dakota Fanning might wind-up being adorable and down to Earth, after all. (Celebitchy)

Michael Douglas swaps spit with Danny DeVito. (Ayyyy!)

Who the hell gets a celebrity face tattooed on their thigh?! (cityrag)

Amy Winehouse has a double-chin and I say that in the most celebratory of ways. (CelebWarship)

Hilary Duff dressed up as Angelina Jolie for Halloween. Uhhhh... Fail. (BricksAndStones)

Paris Hilton could be lying dead in the gutter and still wouldn't get my sympathy. (POTP)

Famed British whore Katie Jordan Price shops at Kitson. (HQ Celeb)

Bitter: (Adjective) (Of people or their feelings or behavior) angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.

You know, it was all fun and games when Carrie Underwood was taunting Jessica Simpson... (Because, come on! It's easy and fun!) But now I'm starting to think she's just a huge, judgmental bitch or something. For example, here is Miss Karaoke Contest Winner USA on celebrities who publicly support their candidates.

"There is someone I do support, but I don't support publicly," she says in next week's TV Guide magazine. "I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate."

"It's saying that the American public isn't smart enough to make their own decisions," she explains. "I would never want anybody to vote for anything or anybody just because I told them to." (Source)

I'll be the first to say all the celebrity endorsements have been, eh, wearing thin -- to put it gently. But how can you say you don't respect someone for having the balls to stand up and voice their convictions? In other words, Carrie Underwood pretty much just stated in no uncertain terms that she's voting McCain. How do you like them sour grapes, Underwood? Huh? I bet they taste like old man balls and failure.

More of Carrie and her wax figure, both of whom have the personality of a lump of fucking wax:

Sad Hippie: (Noun) A particularly pathetic, inadequate or despondent looking hippie.

Awww, why the long face Mischa? Is it because the appropriateness of your ridiculous outfit expired exactly three days ago when Halloween ended? Or because you look like an extra from Forrest Gump? Or maybe it's because your thighs look fat in those jeans and your career is over and even your dog thinks you look stupid? My guess is it's a little of columns A through E with a sprinkling of bad weed on top.

Delusions of Grandeur: (Phrase) A false impression of one's own importance.

Paris Hilton just went from being outright dumb to completely fucking delusional. Apparently she thinks an impressive voter turnout today isn't simply because it's the most important election of most people's lives, but because she made a difference with her "Paris For President" campaign. Which, if you'll recall, started out moderately amusing and subsequently wore out its welcome.

"It's exciting to be involved in the biggest election in history," she said. "It encourages a lot of young voters to speak their voice and to vote."

"I was talking about issues and actually making sense but still playing with my image at the same time," she explained. "Doing it in a ditzy way, but actually saying things I think can really help it along." (Source)

Let's get something straight. Anyone stupid enough to vote just because Paris Hilton told them to by means of a fake Presidential Campaign would probably literally vote for Paris Hilton. And I think even those people are probably too busy sitting in the burn ward after they set fire to themselves trying to use the curling iron on their flammable nylon Paris Hilton hair extensions. So really, the only thing she's helping with is maybe thinning out the gene pool.

President Retard on Letterman (again) yesterday with her fake-ass hair and big-ass feet:

Smoking: (Adjective) Ridiculously fucking hot.

I'm no mathematician, but if Kate Winslet is now ten times hotter than she was ten years ago... Going by my calculations, by the time she's seventy-five she'll be so hot that just looking at her will literally melt peoples eyeballs out of their heads. And then, you know, depending how the elections go today -- by then the Fundamentalist Christians will no doubt have seized full executive power and she'll be branded a witch and burned at the stake.

So there you have it, people. A vote for McCain-Palin is a vote for murdering Kate Winslet. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't want that riding on my soul.

Crybaby: (Noun) A person, esp. a child, who sheds tears frequently or readily.

I don't watch "The Bachelor" shows, because none of the contestants smoke Newps or work at strip clubs or have burgeoning rap careers like the dating shows on VH1; and to be honest, it's all just a little too "highbrow" for my tastes. Plus, the contestants are like this guy, who I could barely stand for the entire one minute of this video without getting a tick in my neck and wanting to throw him through a plate glass window into a baby pool filled with rattlers.

So yes, apparently whatever contract the winners on "The Bachelor" have to sign to make it seem like their relationship isn't a big televised sham ran out, and the girl dumped him. So what does Mr. Turd here do? Quietly pick up the pieces and call his old boss to see if that position at his day job is still available? No. He films this turdsmack video and pretends to make his lip tremble and quick turns the camera off because he might cry like he actually gives a shit about the girl and not his fourteen minutes and fifty-seven seconds of bottom-feeder relevancy. Let this serve as warning for any women out there who get the urge to try out for a major network reality show. A cautionary turd, if you will.

The couple in happier times, and by "happier times" I mean retardedly staged photoshoots:

Pink agrees with me and the rest of the world that John Mayer is a giant D-bag. (Lainey Goss)

Heidi Klum dressed up as that thing Apu prays to on "The Simpsons" only with more fangs and dismembered body parts. (Yeeeah!)

Eliza Dushku dressed up at a "slutty something or other" for Halloween. (The Blemish)

Kate Beckinsale, on the other hand, dressed up as "pathetic celebrity who calls the paps to follow her trick or treating with her kid." Or, Heidi Montag in five years. (IDLYITW)

Jennifer Garner and her mini-me are seriously cavity-inducing. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ryan Reynolds ran the NYC Marathon in just under 4 hours, and so would former WIMB contributor Dustin had he been stalking him that day. (Celebitchy)

It's chick day over at Pajiba, so here is a real-time-review of the ultimate hipster chick flick: 10 Things I Hate About You. (Pajiba)

Remember that time Jessica Biel got naked for gear magazine? I didn't, until Jessica Biel brought it up by saying how much she regretted it. (Celebslam)

I've heard about these sort of people. They're called "car fuckers." (Agent Bedhead)

Simon Cowell finally got dumped by his beard. (CelebSmack)

More of Hayden Panettiere and her fresh ink. (usemycomputer)

Beyonce and Sheymonce are like Godzilla and King Kong in Japan. (IBBB)

Winner: (Noun) A person or thing that wins something.

After months of speculation and apparently because Verne Troyer was already taken, Holly Madison finally has gone public with her relationship with Douchellusionist Criss Angel.

"This is one of the most special evenings for me in my life and I can not think of a more beautiful person, a more special person, inside and out, than Holly to spend it with," Angel said on the opening night of his new Cirque Du Soleil show, "Believe," in Las Vegas.

When asked how he and Madison got together, he replied, "I got lucky. I didn't have a date and so she said, 'I'll come'. She makes me look good." (Source)

Whatever, Criss Angel is such a barfbag it doesn't take a Playboy bunny on his arm to make him look better, comparatively speaking. He'd probably achieve the same effect holding onto a bowl of chopped liver. No really, I saw "Barefoot Contessa" make that one time and it actually looked really good.

Tacky: (Adjective) Showing poor taste and quality.

So I guess Britney was going for some kind of ironic, old-timey look for her new album cover, but it's just not working for me. The last thing I associate with Britney Spears is satire or subtlety. By my calculations, for an album called "Circus" Britney should technically be dressed as a slutty ringleader masturbating with her whip. Totally lame.

Brit Brit leaving the recording studio last week:

Attention: (Noun) Notice taken of someone or something.

When Joaquin Phoenix made his big announcement that he was retiring from showbiz, it was probably the most anyone has talked about Joaquin Phoenix in, well, ever. So I guess he figured he was going to milk this whole "leaving showbiz" thing for all it was worth, appearing at a film festival in Los Angeles this weekend with "GOOD BYE!" written on his knuckles. So yeah, that's really cool. Really, really cool. You know what would have been even cooler? If he didn't spell it backwards. Way to show us, Leaf!

Jinx: (Noun) A person or thing that brings bad luck.

Jessica Simpson's hair stylist/BFF Ken Paves was injured this weekend after getting smacked in the face with a camera as Jessica's "entourage" was leaving an L.A. restaurant.

As the friends exited the restaurant, photographers swarmed the singer, 28. Paves stepped in to protect Simpson when a pap struck him in the face with a camera.

With blood running down his face, the two got into their vehicle, and Paves was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center according to a source. No police charges have been filed. (Source)

See? It's true. Jessica Simpson is bad luck. Whether you're a gay hairdresser, an NFL team, a movie, or a former boybander's televised marriage; it's pretty much a science that you're going to get literally or metaphorically punched in the face if you associate yourself with Jessica Simpson.