I have no idea what Vince Vaughn did in the hours culminating in this photo, but I can guarantee one thing: The look he has suggests that, come the next morning, he's going to unleash one helluva room clearing, two-match, three flush beer shit. That poor bastard ain't gonna know what hit him.

Constatine Maroulis will work for food. (Yeeeah!)

David Schwimmer thinks he can just coast on that "Friends" charm damn near forever. (Ayyyy!)

Lindsay Lohan accepts the "Special People's Award." (Evil Beet)

Did K-Fed spend one night in Paris? I think my barf just barfed. (Celebslam)

And on a related note, Sting sucks his wife's feet. The woman's feet, for chrissakes! (The Blemish)

Everybody loves them some Jewel Saite! (usemycomputer)

Giorgio Armani is kinda hunky for a septuagenarian. Just sayin'. (Dlisted)

Mr. Bean overcompensates. (Agent Bedhead)

The lack of intelligence in this photo is stunning. You could throw a couple of prokaryotic organisms into a petri dish and generate more brain power than the hurricane of retardation swirling around in this image. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton sharing the same air space? I'm amazed that the black hole of vacuity hasn't sucked the rest of the partygoers into its empty maw. Hell, there is more intelligence in their venereal diseases than in their brains, and honestly, if I had to choose whether to spend New Year's Eve with K-Fed and Paris Hilton, or their chlamydia, I think I'd crack open the antibiotics and start dancing!

We'd like to congratulate Jennifer Garner today, for her hometown newspaper has honored her as West Virginian of the Year.

Garner is balancing the raising of her 2-year-old daughter Violet, her marriage with fellow actor Ben and a career that includes a starring role in Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway, the new film Juno, and two more films yet to shoot.

And while we here at WIMB don't want to take anything away from Mrs. Garner, the competition wasn't exactly fierce. Indeed, she just narrowly beat out beat out this guy, who invented a brand of moonshine that mixes perfectly with Dr. Pepper:

Congradumalations all the same, Jennifer.

I could make a joke right now about how Lindsay Lohan lifted that dress from Jem or one of the Holograms, and that all she needs to complete the look are some candy colored heels, earrings with little LED lights in them, and fuchsia eyeshadow up to her eyebrows... But I'm far too in love with the fact that she's trying her damnedest to look sexy, while unfortunately yet strategically standing in front of a light fixture that makes it look like she's wearing a crown of antlers.

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen! On Commet, Cupid, Whorey and Blitzen!

See that lovely young lady to the left? Yeah, that's Penelope Cruz, y'all. And here she's making out with another woman in her brother's sexy new music video. Awesome, right? Who doesn't love to see two attractive lesbians swapping spit, biting lips, and pawing chests, huh?

Wondering who that sexy thing to the right is?

That's Penelope's sister, Monica.

Er. This just went from sexy to weird. I think I want my money back.

Here's the entire video, which not only features some hot sister-on-sister action, but the two Cruz sisters are also getting weirdly frisky with their brother. Is there something about the Spanish culture that I wasn't aware of? I think I missed the chapter about incestual lesbianism in my European Studies 101 class. Freaky.

It looks like acting super-couple Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are divorce.php">joining Brendan Fraser and his wife in divorce court. After 11 years of marriage and two children together, the couple is splitting, so reports People Magazine. No reasons were immediately released, but the odds are that Robin Wright precipitated the divorce because, after 11 years, she finally realized she was married to Sean Penn, who could fuel an entire nuclear power reactor with his self-righteousness, and whose tendency to wildly overact likely extends into the bedroom as well, where he always goes overboard with the dirty talk. And, after 11 years of hearing Sean scream, "Fuck me, Fuck me like a Mack Truck plunging off a cliff and hurtling toward the scrap yard in the sky, you bitch, you bitch, you bitch!!!" she probably figured it was time to find a guy who could turn it down a notch or two. 

Your daily dose of Britney skanking it up. (usemycomputer)

Casey Aldridge, you are NOT the father! (Yeeeah!)

Well John Mayer, bragging about being taller than bloggers certainly qualifies you as douchie. Since you were wondering and all. (Agent Bedhead)

Jessica Alba bumpwatch. (Evil Beet)

The most self important union next to Brangelina has effectively crumbled. (divorced.html">IDLYITW)

Ivanka Trump shows off her assets. And not the "financial" kind, either. (The Blemish)

Sharon Osbourne makes poor African children massage her ass. What?! (Best Celeb Gossip)

Oh, go suck a fat one, Oprah. (Pajiba)

Lily Allen is seen here posing with the father of her unborn child -- I mean, a giant stuffed tiger. Because you know what's always more fun than the jerk who got you knocked up at 22 and ruined your life? Giant stuffed animals. Yep, stuffed animals and booze -- the latter of which you're no longer allowed to enjoy. Sorry about that.

Just weeks after announcing her pregnancy, Jessica Alba has confirmed that she and Cash Warren are engaged. Jessica Alba, blah blah. Engaged, blah blah. I'm sorry, but Jessica Alba honestly just bores the fucking bejeezus out of me. But good for her, I guess. Nothing says, "It's time to get hitched" like "I put a baby in there." I know I always imagined my wedding night with a Shirley Temple in hand while barfing up my wedding cake.

A statement released today said that Madonna's directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom is set to premiere at the Berlin film festival February of next year. While I don't have any psychic powers per se, I think it's pretty safe to say this movie is going to suck with the mighty force of a thousand Hoovers. It is going to blow like Moonlight Bunny Ranch on "Hummer Tuesday."

Because let's face it -- Madonna was only ever really good at two things: writhing around scantily clad and wearing tight-fitting leather outfits. I wouldn't even put "singing" in the top two. And Madonna's involvement in a film is pretty much the equivalent of the involvement of toxic black mold in the walls of your house: it's the touch of fucking death.

Hear that everybody? That would be the "whooshing" sound of a Keds endorsement unceremoniously being yanked from under two sensibly white sneakered feet -- for Mischa Barton has finally ripened into the substance abusing, reckless driving miscreant starletard we all knew damn well she was. You work that gutter, baby -- you were made for it. Can I get a Hallelujah?

That Dax Shepard must have a jewel encrusted wang made out of solid gold, or something. (Evil Beet)

'Bout time you get your sweet ass back to work, slacker! (Yeeeah!)

That French model lied about porking Tony Parker. Good thing no one's marriage was almost totally ruined or anything. (The Blemish)

The world's biggest vagina. Spoiler alert -- it's not Britney's! (DListed)

Jennifer Aniston might be PREGGERNANT! Suck on that, Brange! (Celebitchy)

Jack Osbourne is starting to look like an Astronomy prof I had in college -- all he needs to do is start shaving half his face and age about 60 years to complete the look. What? Yes I went to college. (cityrag)

Lohan shows off her shiny, spandex covered gams. (Popoholic)

Is it still too soon to make fun of Kanye? Well, his crib is for sale if anyone's interested... Smoke free, smells slightly of inflated ego. Zing! (Pop on the Pop)

Hey Brendan! What'd you get for Christmas? I mean, besides a bad hair transplant?

Oh. divorce.php#more">A divorce?

Santa is a motherfucker.

 

Sooo... Fergie and Josh Duhamel announced their engagement yesterday. I bet you're all expecting for me to make some mean joke at their expense, but that's where you're wrong. Who am I to naysay their love? Anyway, isn't it supposed to be all romantic and shit when pretty people fall in love with ugly people, despite their inherent ugliness? That's why Beauty and the Beast is such a timeless classic. Far be it from me to argue with "a tale as old as time."

That's what Paris is getting: jack shit.

Hope all that famewhoring was worth it; dragging your grandpappy's name through the mud. Have fun living off the residuals of 1 Night in Paris!

Source.

Following last week's "I Love New York 2" finale, it's been revealed that Tiffany "New York" Pollard is engaged to winner Tailor Made a.k.a. George Weisgerber, a 32-year-old retail planner from Queens.

As an ardent fan of the "I Love New York" franchise, this is kind of a slap in the face. For one thing, if New York really gets married, that pretty much puts the kibosh on any future "I Love New York" seasons. But more importantly -- Tailor Made?! After two seasons and forty men and she finally chooses this pussy?! With his pink shirts, facial masks and small wiener?

As a crazy-ass bitch myself, I used to feel almost as though I shared a kinship with New York -- minus the fake hair, boobs, eyelashes and STD's, of course. But now? New York, it's like I don't even know you at all.

If there's one thing that can be said about Lindsay Lohan, it's that she's got impeccable taste in men. Ex-boyfriend Riley Giles wasn't going to let a little thing like "getting dumped by Linday Lohan" get him down -- hell no! Not a fresh-faced, spunky young go-getter like him! After selling intimate details about their sex life to News of the World, Giles is now selling personal photographs the couple took while they were together.

Now that's what I call an entrepreneur. Lindsay should have considered herself lucky to have a guy like that -- but I guess some girls just don't appreciate a man with real business savvy. Her loss!

Jealous, ladies? While you may have had a fabulous Christmas, let me assure you it was nowhere near as good as Nicolette Sheridan's -- who spent the holiday cavorting on a beach with this sizzling hunk of man meat commonly known as Michael Bolton. Bet that cashmere scarf you got is looking pretty shit-tay right about now, eh?

Paris Hilton's whore brother didn't fall far from the Whore Tree. (The Blemish)

Say Cheese! The top ten mugshots of 2008. (Celebslam)

Dammit celebrities. The holidays are over already -- now get back to business as usual. (Ayyyy!)

Another story of Nicole Richie being all "Queen Charity." Sigh... (Evil Beet)

Will Smith says really, really stupid things; regrets it. (Celebitchy)

K. Fed continues his campaign for Father of the Year by rounding up all 50 of his kids for a trip to Disneyland. (Wendy Wayward)

Somebody steals Posh's shit from her dressing room. (DListed)

Something is looking, uh... off about Mrs. Claus. (BestCelebGossip)

If you're like me, you saw a headline over the weekend that said, "Pitbull Arrested For Drunk Driving" and thought it was one of those wacky human interest stories like drunk babies, hero dogs and children getting sued. But if you really are like me, you're probably not "hip" to rap music either -- so let me be the first to inform you that "Pitbull" is actually the name of a rapper, a.k.a "Armando Perez." Ohhhhh. From Mr. Perez's lawyer:

"With respect to Armando Perez' arrest this morning, this is to inform you that Mr. Perez will be pleading not guilty to all charges. This is all the unfortunate result of a misunderstanding. Mr. Perez and his legal team are confident that these charges will not be upheld."

A misunderstanding?! The only misunderstanding I see here is that if you're a rapper named Pitbull, you should be getting arrested for putting a cap in somebody's ass or biting off a guy's face -- not some pussy drunk driving charge. Otherwise, you're pretty much a failure at being a rapper named Pitbull.

Amy Winehouse has been restricted from visiting husband Blake Fielder-Civil in prison, after failing a drug test. No, no, no... Here's the beauty of it -- he's the one who failed the drug test. Since Fielder-Civil tested positive for a Class A substance thought to be heroin last week, Winehouse is now only allowed to visit him from behind a glass screen.

You have to admit, this is pretty incredible. It's like Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are some kind of junkie super heroes, invincible against the evil clutches of sobriety. You think a glass screen is going to stop Amy Winehouse? She probably has some kind of secret power that allows her to radiate smack to get a man high from up to a three miles radius. Nice try, criminal justice system -- but clearly you're fighting a losing battle.

Katherine Heigl has married musician Josh Kelley at a resort in Park City, Utah.

Heigl, who portrays Dr. Izzie Stevens on "Grey's Anatomy," and the recording artist tied the knot Sunday in front of a small group of family and friends in a tent outside the Stein Eriksen Lodge, according to CelebTV.com.

Well, we know what Josh Kelley got for Christmas this year: Cancer of the Soul. A human-sized chunk of coal. A stocking full of misery. Some messed up mistletoe.

That poor bastard.

Jamie Lynn is afraid of her sister. Join the club, honey... Join the club. (IDLYITW)

Good news for Jessica: Her movie will only be the worst in cinematic history 'til this turd comes out. (Best Celeb Gossip)

Daaamn. Sarah Silverman sporting some dark-ass circles under her eyes. (usemycomputer)

Gnarled, hunched up Ashley Olsen looks like a damn witch. (The Blemish)

Nobody wants to party with Michael Jackson. Nobody. (Celebslam)

Lily Allen is getting her own TV show. Dang, and I was hoping for Good Morning Winehouse. (Evil Beet)

Deets on the Britney paparazzi-fucking incident. Merry Christmas! (DListed)

Worst casting decision of all time? (Pajiba)

Britney's lookin' a little niptizzal; she might want to avoid plate-glass windows for a while -- I wouldn't suggest reenacting that signature scene from Catholic Schoolgirl Are Easy, either, lest she cut herself on the glass shower door.

Oh, and apparently, this shirt brought her good luck; she fucked a paparazzi later that day. Congrats Britney -- you've managed to fuck someone lower than you on the food-chain.

Britney classics:
 

Former child star Danielle Fishel, a.k.a "Topanga" was busted for drunk driving last Thursday in Los Angeles after officers stopped the car she was driving shortly before 5 a.m. Fishel was taken in to the station and booked, but released from jail shortly after her arrest.

Congratulations, Topanga! You've finally clawed your way from child star obscurity into child star notoriety. From here on out, the possibilities are practically endless! "The Surreal Life," "Celebrity Fit Club," or "Celebrity Rehab" -- you name it. Or if you're really lucky, you might even land one of those "Dancing/Skating with Celebrities" type shows. And that's network TV, baby. The sky's the limit!

Rosebud Defined: 1. (A literary reference to) a pretty young girl; 2. Charles Foster Kane's final word, a reference to his sled (and his mother's love).

 

It's official! Jessica Simpson's new movie is s total bomb. The blondetard's new direct-to-DVD film, Blonde Ambition, was given a reprieve this weekend by way of limited theatrical release in Simpson's home state of Texas. However, even in limited release it only made $384 on it's opening night -- estimating that 48 people paid to see it.

Three hundred and eighty-four dollars. This is possibly the worst movie in cinematic history. Even Gigli and Battlefield Earth probably took in quadruple digits. It's like a Christmas miracle or something. Thanks Santa! Or Jesus, or whoever -- this is the best Christmas ever!

H/T, Agent Bedhead!

Scarlett Johansson, who has kept a modest profile for the last few months after an early 2006 that saw her metaphorically rubbing her cleavage into everyone's face, has sought to expand the popularity of her chest beyond America. She recently posed for a photo shoot in the Belgium edition of Elle magazine. The language in Belgium, however, is difficult to translate; they speak French, German, and Dutch, and use a host of local dialects.

However, we here at Webster's is my Bitch once again have exclusive scoop on the pull-quote on the picture above. We have assembled a crack-team of translators, and according to our experts, the pull quote in red reads: "She has a beautiful pair of breasts, but in the head: Nothing but rocks. You could launch a space shuttle out of the empty space between her ears. There's always a vacancy, but the light is never on."

It's good to know that Belgians and Americans both think alike.

Pete Doherty is shopping around a porn-ocumentary (?) featuring his ex, Kate Moss. (The Blemish)

Oh Thora, Thora... Where for art thou, Thora? (usemycomputer)

Megan Fox is totally the poor man's Angelina Jolie. (Popoholic)

Hey meth-mouth! Why so scabby? (Yeeeah!)

The Simpson sisters have become "bloated with fail." Hahaha. (Agent Bedhead)

Deets from the pregnancy-gate OK! interview reveal that Jamie Lynn met her BabyDaddy in church, and he's also 18. (Celebitchy)

Blonde samurai or Sharon Stone? You make the call. (Ayyyy!)

How I loves me some Michael C. Hall "Dexter" yumminess! (Pajiba)

Relevant: Closely connected or appropriate to the matter at hand.

What's this? PETA doing something culturally relevant and appropriately pertinent to their cause? Of course not! So instead, here's some more naked people. This time, protesting M&M's, which are clearly the biggest threat to animal rights these days.

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the masterminds behind PETA don't give a crap about animals, but are really just a bunch of pervs who are in on some grand scale elaborate ruse to trick people into getting naked? Normally I wouldn't condone that sort of behavior, but if that's the case... Well, my hat's off to you, sirs.

Photos very marginally NSFW, like maybe if you work with very small children, devout Mormons or the elderly.

Remember a few months ago, when Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden, got himself in a thicket of trouble for calling Barack Obama the first African-American running for president who is actually "clean and a nice-looking guy"?

I wonder what he'd say about Taye Diggs. I mean, he's wearing a Tide t-shirt!

Personally, I'll take Taye Diggs dirty. And, I mean, dirty. The filthy, nasty, unspeakable things I could do with that man and a refrigerator full of ripe fruit. Lord, hold me back.

Fearing a nationwide epidemic of young girls stumbling around with babies literally spilling out of their vaginas, Nickelodeon is considering airing a special about sex in the wake of flagship actress Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy.

Personally, I think Nickelodeon is the last place kids need to be hearing about sex from. There's a reason why there was never an episode of "You Can't Do That On Television" where Barth knocked up Christine behind the cafeteria and she had to put the baby up for adoption. When I was a kid I learned about sex the old fashioned way -- from my parents leaving their porn all over the house. And I turned out just fine! Sure, sometimes I secretly cut myself and drink alone, but at least I didn't get pregnant when I was sixteen.

Well now, what do we have here? I've never seen Bai Ling look so cute and festive -- like a little Sugarplum Fairy or something! And nary a nipple in sight! Of course -- since this is still Bai Ling after all -- naturally the look wouldn't be complete without Band-Aids on her legs displaying a festive holiday greeting.

Clearly she's showing restraint. If she wasn't attending a "Toys For Toys" function, those Band-Aids would likely be used in a much more creative way... One which would probably make the part of her dress from the waist up unnecessary.

Looks like Tom Arnold has finally hit rock bottom:

CMT has placed an eight-episode order for My Big Redneck Wedding, a new unscripted series hosted by Tom Arnold. Each episode will focus on the wedding of a ''down-home country couple'' and all their ''rustic eccentricities,'' like a beer-can canopy, a celebratory shotgun salute, and a reception featuring mud wrestling and mattress surfing.

Oh, I can't wait. I understand that the first episode of "My Big Redneck Wedding" will focus on the wedding of Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge. It's set to be held in gun and tackle shop next to a beauty parlor. The 11-year-old flower girl will herself be knocked up; the drunken bride will wear a wedding dress fashioned from an old Confederate flag; and groom will be decked out in a camouflage tuxedo with a hunter orange bow-tie. Dinner will consist of fried crawl deads, Hamburger Helper, and cans of Miller Light. Party favors will include tins of Skoal and old tires. It will be officiated by a gun-wielding Baptist pastor who quotes liberally from the Left Behind series. And the Maid of Honor, Britney Spears, of course will undoubtedly attempt to fuck the host before the ceremony.

It's going to be the best show ever.

A glimpse of Britney's redneckery:

 

Hey! Speaking of rotten tuna fish, Lindsay Lohan has replaced drugs and alcohol with vagina! (Yeeeah!)

Here's a terrible idea: Remake Pretty Woman. And you know who should star? Jessica Simpson. Head Meet Hole. (IDLYITW)

The Beet brings you the first images of lil Alba, who probably looks like a sea monkey right now. (Evil Beet)

If you woke up this morning asking yourself, "How can I save the world from robots?" then have I got a link for you. (QuizLaw)

J.Love won't be appearing in Playboy anytime soon. At least until she needs the green. (Celebitchy)

A primer in avoiding pregnancy (spoiler alert: Keep the semen on the outside). (Fatback and Collards)

Why would anyone want to see Ivanka Trump's under-bra? (Derek Hail)

Now Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Nah -- but she did give birth to a new video. (poponthepop)

In papers filed yesterday, Tony Parker sued the paparazzi agency, X17, in L.A. County Superior Court, claiming that the agency fabricated the allegations accusing him of having an affair with a French model shortly after his marriage to Eva Longoria. In the papers, Tony asserts:

"I really, really, really did not have an affair with Alexandra Paressant. I completely disavow all allegations; I did not have sexual relations with this woman on the floor of a Red Roof Inn outside of New Orleans, and I most certainly did not ask this woman to bang me Britney-style on top of a bed of Doritos Ranch-flavored chips. I reiterate I have never, ever laid eyes upon this woman, and if I had, I would definitely not ask her why she ratted me out after she promised that she'd never tell anyone and why did she take that $20,000 if she was just going to turn around and open her huge fucking pie hole the week after I got married, you fucking bitch, Why would you do this to me? I thought we had something special? I was going to leave her, just as soon as the honeymoon was over. I swear.

Parker is demanding $20 million for defamation damages.

Hey check it out, it's Hollywood! I always wondered what ever happened to that guy. Ooh, ooh! Hey Hollywood! Remember that time you totally sprayed those cops down with that firehose? That was awesome. And all those thinly veiled gay innuendos you used to crack? Remember how great those were? Oh, Hollywood... You so crazy.

Some dude really named Simon Webbe at the I Am Legend premiere.

Douche-llusionist Criss Angel attended his birthday extravaganza at LAX Nightclub in Vegas last night, and is seen here diving head first into his birthday cake. You know that had to have given him some serious deja vu from his Britney Spears muff-diving days. If that cake was "rotten tuna fish" flavored, I bet if he closed his eyes he wouldn't even have known the difference.

Now that the initial shock of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy has worn off, people are beginning to question how it happened. And, once again, Websters is my Bitch has put in the extra effort and gotten the worldwide exclusive on the details behind Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy. According to our very reliable sources, we're told that Jamie Lynn's boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, convinced her to have unprotected sex with and old stand-by: "Just the Tip," he said, our source tells WIMB. "Just for a minute. I want to see how it feels. I promise not to move."

Unfortunately, Casey broke that promise. "He said he fell completely inside of her," our source says. "He just fell. He lost his balance and accidentally pushed his way all the way inside, and then he sprung a leak," our source continued. "Afterwards, Casey told Jamie Lynn that the only way to avoid pregnancy was if they had unprotected sex so that he could 'send some of my men in for the rescue operation.''"

It's really unbelievable; that line has been working for generations. Nice job, Casey. Except for the whole pregnancy, of course.

Katie Holmes revealed in an interview with Parade Magazine that Tom Cruise's adopted kids with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, call her Mom.

These poor kids -- they've got to choose from either Ice Queen, liquid nitrogen-wearing Mommy with an unflavored Snow Cone for a heart; or Daddy's vacant-eyed, Scientology lobotomy experiment surrogate Mommy. And not that those aren't fabulous choices or anything, but these kids are probably so emotionally numb and starved for attention, they'd be just as happy to call a Mrs. Potato Head or a particularly affectionate Golden Retriever "Mom" at this point.

Daaaamn, ladies! Just what the hell did the animal kingdom ever do to you? The last time I saw this much fur was when I took my niece to the zoo. Well I just hope you know what you've gotten yourselves into here, because y'know who really does not have the best sense of humor about stuff like this? PETA. And those people are some sick motherfuckers. Showing up to a public event looking like this, you're pretty much asking for the Luca Brasi treatment.

Sources close to Ashlee Simpson have revealed exclusively to Webster's is my Bitch that the starlet has a very rare condition known as locked in syndrome, whereby a patient is fully cognitive and wide awake, but is incapable of communication because of complete paralysis to the body -- the condition is tantamount to being buried alive.

Poor Ashlee. You can even see all the symptoms in her latest magazine cover. She's buried beneath all that gloss and make-up like a woman trapped in a porcelain body mold. Deep, deep (deep) down, there's a poor, dazed Simpson sister dying to get out.

Blink once, Ashlee, if you can hear us!

Julia Roberts, joining Jessica Alba as the latest nevernude to come out of the closet, recently revealed that she would never do a nude scene in a film because, she says, taking off one's clothes is not staying true to her craft. "I wouldn't do nudity in a film. To act with my clothes on is a performance. To act with my clothes off is a documentary."

Oh, you bitch. You done pissed off the wrong dominatrix. You don't know what acting is, lady, until you gotta strip off three layers of leather and feign enthusiasm while riding some old dude's shriveled-up pole while plucking his chest hairs one by one. Last night, I had to ride side-saddle while biting off a man's toenails -- and I had to act like I was experiencing the white waves of a lifetime. That, Julia, was a tour de force performance, one that I managed with my clothes off, thank you very much, you uppity skank. You wanna talk about "craft"? Try eating a Kraft Single from between a fat man's butt cheeks, and then we can compare notes. Hussy.

HOLY SHIT! (Yeeeah!)

Adam Sandler rocks a middle aged faux hawk; predictably looks stupid. (Best Celeb Gossip)

Headline of the year. Indeed. (Celebslam)

Tom Cruise's upcoming film gets bumped after the suckfest Lions for Lambs. (Agent Bedhead)

Christina Ricci is looking cute these days, I must admit. (usemycomputer)

Lily Allen is also pregnant, and couldn't have picked a better time to reveal the news. (The Blemish)

Oh yeah -- and, the White House is on fire! (Evil Beet)

Merry Christmas! This year I got you some ScarJo boobages! (Popoholic)

Brooke Hogan is a ringer for He-Man. (IDLYITW)

"Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species."

We are so fucked.

Jamie Lynn Spears, 16 year old sister of Britney and star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101," has confirmed that she is -- wait for it -- pregnant! Whee! The Spears camp confirmed the pregnancy to OK Magazine, saying that Jamie Lynn is 12 weeks along and the father is her boyfriend Casey Aldridge.

The most shocking thing here is that the baby isn't K Fed's, because this proves so many genetic theories I don't even know where to begin. One thing I can ascertain, however, is that the Spears lineage will most certainly outlast all of humankind and possibly even the cockroaches. I can see it now -- someday there'll be nothing left inhabiting the Earth other than 50 foot tall, poorly-dressed inbred hillbilly women, lumbering around and shoving giant Starbucks straws into their gaping maws.

Oooh wait -- I think I just gave away the plot to I Am Legend II.

Oh God! Oh God! Shave it off, man. Shave it off now. Jesus Christ. No one appreciates Sam Rockwell more than I, but Dude: This is a film premiere. Not the back of the Mystery Machine with Daphne's skirt hiked halfway up her ass. Put on a nice shirt, man. Comb your fucking hair. Open your eyes. Buy a reasonably sized pair of specs. And shave that heinous thing off your chin -- you look like you've been slapped by a pubic fairy.

More from the Cassandra's Dream premiere, including Colin Farrell with Woody Allen, Rosie Perez, and Tom Cavanaugh:

In response to the allegations by French model Alexandra Paressant of having an extramarital affair, Tony Parker has finally released a statement claiming that not only is it not true -- but he's never even met the woman.

"Tony adamantly and unconditionally denies ever having laid eyes on this woman, let alone having had an affair with her," says the attorney, Stanton "Larry" Stein of the firm Dreier Stein & Kahan. "The allegations of the supposed affair are entirely false and fabricated."

Hmmm... Never laid eyes on her? That sounds convenient. A bit too convenient. Well, there's only one way to settle this -- and that's to bring the whole lot of them on Maury. That's how I gather these affairs are usually sorted out, anyway. "Tony Parker, when asked if you had sex with model Alexandra Paressant, you said no -- the lie detector says: 'That's a LIE!' You had sex with her more than twenty times."

That's how I imagine it would play out, anyway. The men are always lying. Anyone who watches Maury knows that.

You know what the problem with rehab is? Too much damn coddling. And free will! Just how the hell is a person supposed to get clean when they're allowed to just "walk around" all willy nilly? So I would like to wish Amy Winehouse a huge congratulations, because she has just won herself a one-way ticket to the one place more effective than rehab: jail!

Someday, Amy -- when you're sipping chamomile and -- I don't know -- doing things people who aren't addicted to blow do, you'll look back on those icy hose-downs and full cavity searches and you'll savor every moment.

Ashley Tisdale's new nose unveiled! (Fatback)

Fun Fact: The traditional seventh-month anniversary gift is Astroglide. Shop accordingly. (divorced/">Yeeeah)

Adrianne Curry poses for lesbian photos; Bobby Brady wants a separation. I'd do the math, but my brain doesn't count backwards. (Derek Hail)

Skank Cancer just will not learn to keep her goddamn mouth shut. (poponthepop)

Eva Longoria knows what to do when her man cheats; buy some spiky heels and wait until he falls asleep. (Ayyyy!)

Hillary Duff apparently stuffs all her dead bodies into her luggage. (Daily Stab)

Judy Greer, y'all: Doing the sexy pose. (Usemycomputer)

Appropriately, Nicole Kidman is dressed as the Tin Man, for they have a lack of heart in common. (L.A. Rag Mag)

Celebrity lunch boxes add pizazz to that old soggy PB&J. (popbytes)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer would be so much better if Amy Winehouse were to star as Blitzed. (Holy Candy)

For a periodical that bills itself as the "ultimate guide to music," I'm beginning to wonder if Blender Magazine forgot to remove its head from its ass before naming Fergie as the magazine's Woman of the Year. Seriously? Out of the hundreds of female musicians to choose from, Blender chooses Fergie? There's a hobo lady who lives in a box on top a heater grate near the university in my town who sings "On Top of Spaghetti" when she she's hopped up on malt liquor and pain killers who has more talent than Fergie ... and she doesn't piss her pants nearly as often.

Last month, Blender named Sting as the worst lyricist of all time, and while I don't particularly have a problem with that conclusion, how can it then turn around and make the woman who wrote "Ima get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump" as the goddamn Woman of the Year? Which is the biggest offense: "Her friends are so jealous / you know how bad girls get" or "My lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps"? "It doesn't compute. It's like naming Martin Scorsese as the greatest director of all time, but then calling Bret Ratner the director of the year.

 

It's your lucky day, ladies (and penis-loving men). Judd Apatow -- the creative genius behind The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad -- wants to bring more Johnson to the big screen. Indeed, after placing a penis behind John C. Reilly's head in an orgy scene in this weekend's new biopic comedy, Walk Hard, Apatow learned the hard way that audiences have problems with cock on the big screen, after 22 people walked out when confronted with the giant dong in a test screening. Says Apataw, "America fears the penis and that's something I'm going to help them get over." Thus, henceforth, Apatow says he's going to desensitize America to the sight of Peter, and help them get over their schlongophobia. He says he's going to "get a penis in every movie I do from now on."

You hear that, folks? In the future, Apatow's comedies won't just be the funniest in the business, but they'll also be the most penis-friendly. Unfortunately, given Apatow's cadre of regulars, you folks are gonna get to see a lot of penis you don't necessarily want to think about: Seth Rogen (Pineapple Express). Jonah Hill (Dumped), Will Ferrell (Step Brothers), Jack Black and Christopher "McLovin'" Mintz-Plasse (Year One). But, don't despair -- Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, and James Franco also have Apatow-produced movies in the works, so the odds of seeing some tasty, tasty man meat have risen significantly. But, God save us from the day we have to see Martin Starr's mammoth man-organ on the big screen. *Shudder.*

 



 

Uhhh, I think you're a little late for Oktoberfest, Paris. That's why they call it "Oktoberfest" -- if you can excuse the shitty German spelling, the word "October" is right in there. On the plus side though, at least you have an excuse for smellin' all stank like sauerkraut for once.

Last night in Sydney, there was a special charity screening of The Golden Compass to help support the city's children's hospital, though I'm not that sure how wise it is to screen a film with supposed atheistic themes to a group of sick kids, but that's why I'm not in the philanthropy business.

At any rate, in the above photo, James McClelland (right, playing air guitar) is bringing along a date to the charity screening. Oh, and that poor woman. Deathly pale. Ghostly translucent. Bone thin. Taut skin. Exposed ribs. Jesus, that poor lady. The writing is on the wall. You think it's spinal meningitis? She looks like Zelda in Stephen King's Pet Sematary. I don't think she's got much time left. I hope she likes the movie; it may be the last she ever sees.

More photos of the sick lady:

"Desperate Housewives" cast members Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross are seen here stuffing "FEED" bags which are purportedly to be used to feed starving African children for one year. Which is great and all, don't get me wrong... But why are they giving the starving children Godiva chocolates and liqueur? I would think they would probably want things like grains, clean drinking water and fruits and vegetables -- you know, the basic components of sustaining human life. But what do I know about starving kids? I guess that's why I'm not a humanitarian like Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross.

If you haven't heard already, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien will be crossing the picket lines to restart their shows on January 2nd, joining Carson Daly as the only late-night hosts to screw over the Writer's Guild. How the hell is Leno going to pull this one off? The guy's got the natural talent of rotten vegetables; even with writers, he's insufferable. Without writers, I fear a black hole of anti-comedy will envelope all of L.A., sucking the city into a vortex of lame from which it may never recover.

Meanwhile, David Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, is negotiating separately with the writers with plans to bring his show back on January 9th, with the writers, under an interim agreement, which does unfortunately mean that he won't be bringing back his Network Time Killers, made famous during the last writer's strike 20 years ago. God Bless Dave.

To all you naysayers who couldn't wait to say, "I told you so!" to Pam Anderson -- hold your heathen tongues! Because she's not actually getting divorced after all. Well, this week, anyway.

Anderson, 40, filed for divorce Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences. The actress says she and Salomon separated the day before, on Thursday.

But two days later, she was spotted shopping with Salomon, and on Monday she posted this brief note on her Web site: "P.S. We're working things out."

I think I see exactly what's going on here -- it's clearly the old 'threaten him with divorce' ploy. Sometimes a woman just doesn't want to hold her own purse while she's shopping. Is that such a crime? And I can't think of a better way to settle these little domestic squabbles than to slap divorce papers on a guy's ass. Let him know you mean business, girls -- you can't let little things like "potential string of failed marriages" stop you.

Jessica Simpson attended Sunday night's Cowboys-Eagles game to cheer on new boyfriend Tony Romo, wearing a pink and white version of his #9 jersey. Unfortunately for her, the game turned out to be the worst of Romo's entire career, ending with a quarterback rating of 22.2. Whatever that means.

Her new boyfriend struggled all game, throwing three interceptions and fumbling the ball twice as his heavily favored Cowboys lost to the Philadelphia Eagles 10-6. At one point, the network even showed a montage of Simpson, 27, spliced with shots of Romo's bad throws.

Now I don't know much about football, but from what I've gathered, getting beat by the Eagles is pretty much on par with getting beat by a bunch of little girls. If the little girls in question were near sighted and pigeon-toed, anyway. So I think it's pretty clear what's going on here -- Jessica Simpson is a bona fide man ruiner who sucks at everything.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Posh Spice puts it on tight, and squeezes out the excess. Click at your own risk. (Yeeeah!)

A Monday without Rihanna cleavage is like a Monday without sunshine. And by sunshine I mean toxic poisoning. (Egotastic)

Not doing it for you? Well, how about Katherine McPhee in a short, short thing? (Usemycomputer) Oh, and Vanna White looks pretty decent for being 93. (Ditto)

Maria Sharapove gives child first orgasm. (The Blemish)

If this is what the kids listen to today, then God save the future of America. Who knew there was such a thing as a Pink knock-off. (Evil Beet)

The Scientologists have wrapped their arms around another unwitting victim (Ayyyy!)

Helena Bonham Carters spits out kid; world rejoices. (Celebitchy)

And one blogging empire mocks another (Jossip) and then attempts to make Webster her bitch, too. (Jossip)

You ever have one of those days? Those days where absolutely everything goes wrong? Yeah -- even CNN anchors like myself with millions of dollars and ravishing good looks have those days. And it's been the day from hell for me. Wolf Blitzer stole my last yogurt out of the break room refrigerator, even though it clearly had my name written on it. And then I run into Jack Cafferty out in the hall -- God, I can't stand that bitch. At least once a week, that asshole corners me and starts ranting about all the tail I could get if I'd just switch teams. The son of a bitch wants to be my wingman, as if walking around with a balding jackass carrying a watered-down domestic beer was going to get me a lot of action at Manhole.

But the worst -- I mean -- the worst part of my day was the subway ride into work this morning. Don't get me wrong; I love riding the subway. I get my paper; jump on the train; don't have to deal with traffic; and, on most days, people leave me alone, by and large. It's New York City, you know? People have better things to do than hassle a late night cable anchor, right?

Well, this morning, I get on the subway, and I knew it was going to be that kind of day because I get stuck standing above this woman with eye makeup strategically placed everywhere but on her goddamn eyes, and I can hear the freakin' Bee Gees blaring out of her iPod headphones (if you're going to crank those puppies all the way up to 11, lady, at least put on some ABBA). And she just kept staring at me with these "boiling hot orbs of disbelief," like she'd never seen a dapper news anchor before.

So, I'm just trying to mind my own business, duck under the bill of my cap, and get to work without incident, but I could feel this woman ogling me surreptitiously like a sirloin steak at a vegetarian convention. She's not tactless enough to bug me on the train or anything, but I could sense she was having these amazingly creepy thoughts about me. And she kept staring at my hands, which is kind of embarrassing on account of the fact that today was the one day I forgot to rub them down with baby lotion. Of course, I never expected that some random stranger would be inspecting them like zirconium at a pawn shop.

So, I kind of brush my newspaper up against her, thinking she'd get the not-so-subtle hint and go back to playing solitaire on her iPod. But this woman just doesn't get it. She starts gawking at my crotch. On the subway! All the way to 50th Street. Honey, what were you hoping for? That Little Andy might unzip his way out of his holster and say hi? Don't hold your breath, sweetie. He doesn't make an appearance for just any random subway goer, you know?  

Creepy. Thankfully, she got off the train before I had to file for a restraining order. Strangest thing, though. As the subway was pulling away, I saw her doing cartwheels out of the turnstile like she was having the Greatest Day of Her Life.

Mad world, folks. It's a mad world.

We here at W.I.M.B. typically shy away from making cheap shots at celebrities expanding waistlines -- if for no other reason than the plethora of shitty celebrity behavior and unfortunate fashion choices more than keep our plates full.

However, I do take a teeny tiny ounce of joy in pointing out Rachael Ray's big ol' fat face, here. Thar she blows -- girlfriend is getting huuuge! Can we attribute this to karma over shilling for Dunkin' Donuts? Or perhaps the lure of the very sugar-laden monstrosities she shills was just too strong? Hope you can get that Vanilla Spice Latte with a shot of insulin, fatso!

Seriously, the above clip is flat-out jaw dropping. How much better is it than the actual Spiderman 3 was? Give me that couple over Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst any day.

Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

(Via the Incomparable Galley Slaves)

Here's a depressing reality check: These three people, at one point not that long ago, starred in six of the most popular romantic comedies of the last 20 years. Now, they have six chins between them, and they'd have another two if Meg Ryan hadn't given herself a homemade facial liposectomy with a vacuum cleaner attachment and a pair of scissors.

Seriously, how sad is that? You know what's sadder? Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale are who we have to look forward to for the next 20 years.

Over the weekend, Celine Dion performed her final show at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace after five years' worth of performances. Unfortunately, the event was marred by tragedy when, during the show's encore, the crowd rushed the stage and began ripping Celine's fragile limbs from her papier mache torso, selling her appendages on EBay to mark the occasion.

Unfortunately, Celine Dion -- being the overunctuous diva that never dies -- will continue touring around America, as simply as head, 42" neck, and a torso encased in shatterproof glass, ensuring that no one will ever, ever manage to separate her head from her body.

Oh, barf.

Until today, I hadn't seen Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz photographed together for like, over an entire month now, and I was all set on being the first gossip blogger to speculate their impending breakup. And if it came true? Well, it would have been damn near the best Christmas present, ever. But I guess when Ashlee isn't too busy pretending to like reading to sick kids, she's shitting all over peoples' Christmas dreams. Just shows what kind of stupid, heartless bitch she really is.

If you think these photos of Adrian Grenier volunteering at a Brooklyn soup kitchen are just about the most precious things you have ever seen of in your life, then get ready for the one-two punch -- because, that lady? Is his Mom. And you ladies know there ain't nothing sexier than a man who loves his momma. Well, a man who loves his momma to a reasonable extent, anyway. Because, take it from me -- staying in on Saturday night with dear old Ma to watch Pretty Woman, drink Arbor Mist and give each other pedicures is a pretty good example of what's not a reasonable extent. Best to just let that one go.

All the interwebs are ablaze today with fanboy (and girl) excitement over the new bootlegged Dark Knight trailer, leaked today and picked up by various websites. But, I don't get it. What's the big deal? I've watched the video ten times now and I still haven't been able to get worked up about it? Are people that really excited about watching Batman shop for produce and toilet paper? Clearly, our standards for entertainment have been shot all to hell.

As always, I blame Bret Ratner.

Ellen Page. Ellen, Ellen, Ellen. Let me just start by saying that I think you are an amazing actress. Great in Hard Candy and flat-out brilliant in Juno. I'm ecstatic that you were nominated for a Golden Globe, and I'm looking forward to future projects (the lesbian film with Olivia Thirlby? So cool). I think you're gonna be around for a very long time, even if you are ultimately saddled with the best friend role in studio romantic comedies.

But, Ellen: You're 20 years old. And while I really appreciate that you're not snorting blow and flashing your cootchie, it is OK to dress like a 20 year old and not some 50-year-old spinster librarian who got carried away at the Dress Barn. I don't know boo about fashion, but I'm pretty sure a sleeveless faux turtleneck dress with a belt buckle that looks like a fanny pack isn't appropriate attire for a premiere. You're an adorable girl with a refreshing lack of pretension, but I think you can do a little better than quirkus frumpus without drawing comparisons to The Starletards.


 

Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon can't stand each other. Which is kind of funny, because I can't stand either of them! (The Blemish)

Some guy stole Paula Abdul's urine. What part of "Paula Abdul" and "urine" didn't make him realize this maybe wasn't such a good idea? (Yeeeah!)

The new "American Gladiators" will include motherfucking aqua-gladiators! (Agent Bedhead)

Britney tries to act like she doesn't love the paparazzi in her new video. (Evil Beet)

Ever wondered if Marcia Cross's carpet matches the drapes? Hint: you haven't. (IDLYITW)

Us Magazine tries to get blood from a stone. Or polish a turd or something like that. (PopOnThePop)

Why you should be watching arguably the best damn comedy on TV right now. (Pajiba)

Amy Winehouse wants one last blowout before rehab. Ahhh, nothing like the insincere words of an addict. (Dlisted)

OK. I wanted to let this go. I really did. I mean, Ashlee Simpson is reading to sick children. How selfless; how generous. Right?

Get real.

If this were an actual altruistic act, then why are there cameras present? I mean, look at Ashlee; she doesn't give a rat's ass about these kids. She's looking into that camera like she's trying to seduce an impotent hobo. The only difference between this pose and the rest of Ashlee's postures is that she's not facing forward and showing off the goods her Daddy bought her. Clearly, this is just another one of Joe Simpson's douchebag PR stunts meant to show her nonexistent benevolent side. She's not magnanimous; she's a transparent ignoramus. And as soon as the cameras leave, she'll most certainly follow. Selfless, my ass.

bailing_1.jpg" src="http://www.litelysalted.com/IMAGES/bailing_1.jpg" class="mt-image-center" style="margin: 0pt auto 20px; text-align: center; display: block;" height="600" width="398" />Bai Ling mauled some poor Santa last night, infecting him with her own special brand of holiday cheer. Unfortunately for ol' Santy, Bail Ling's holiday cheer usually involves delousing and antibiotics. I just hope someone remembers to burn that Santa suit so that no children will ever accidentally come into contact with it.

Kristen: I can tell by the pained expression on your face and the position of your hands that you, too, are suffering from jogger's nipple. I've been there. Painful, isn't it? It's the triumvirate of discomfort: Sore, dry, and itchy. And if you don't tend to it, you may end up with cracked and bleeding nips. Yowzers. I feel for you, sweetheart. Nothing irritates me more than waking up at 5 a.m. (I have three clients who need a little punishment before their 9-5 grind), going out for a nice, leisurely jog, and then coming back home with nipples that feel as though they've been hanging out with a sheet of sandpaper.

But, there is good news, Kristen. The condition is preventable. You can apply a touch of petroleum jelly to each nipple before heading off on your run, or you can also stick a little tape to them to keep them from rubbing against your bra. The only other alternative I'm aware of is to simply run topless, a suggestion that I believe many of your fans would encourage.

Hang in there, darling.

Oh nice try, Priscilla Alden -- where's your bonnet? Most pilgrims I know don't have mesh cutouts in their blouses covered in metal studs, or the waxy, pallid complexion and caked on makeup of a corpse freshly set out for a family viewing. What? Of course I know pilgrims. And screw you for questioning my integrity!

Despite recently admitting crushes on each other, Rikki Lake says that nothing happened between her and John Mayer outside of casual conversation.

"I swear to God, there is no story," she told PEOPLE Wednesday during a photoshoot for the magazine. "I met him at a party. He admitted he had a crush and I admitted, hey, vice versa. That was it. I wish there was actually something to tell. There was nothing."

Now I have it on good authority that Rikki Lake is a total sweetheart who would never say a bad word about anyone, so I'm going to take the liberties of translating that for you. What she really mean to say was:

"Well, I used to have a crush on him, anyway -- but that was before he dated Jessica Simpson. And since I wouldn't touch anything that had its dick in Jessica Simpson with a 10-foot pole, that kind of ruled out any possible romance."

I hear that girl. Nothing covers up the whiff of appeal to a man like the stench of skank. And not that it's a big loss, I guess it goes without saying that Nick Lachey and Joe Simpson are also permanently out of the dating pool as well.

Madonna continues to prove why she's such an unbearable bitch. Eat it, Louise. Why don't you bend yourself out of existence. (IDLYITW)

"Everyone knows that the French only know two positions in the first place — 'on their backs under a white flag' and 'cheeks spread, begging the Germans to be gentle.'" Eep. (Yeeeah!)

Imus apparently believes that if you don't support Mike Huckabee, then you're gay. But if you like Don Imus, then you're just a insufferable dumbass. (Queerty)

Jenna Fischer still hasn't figured out how to work the red carpet. (Evil Beet)

Maxim has selected its Sexiest Women of the Year. And by "sexy," they mean: Any woman willing to take off her clothes. (Cityrag)

Tara Reid has five bolts in her tummy. Does that make her Frankenhooker? (Celebitchy)

Tired of your old breast implants? Sell them on EBay! (Ayyyy!)

Lily Allen clearly forgot to wear a bra again. Oh, Lily. (Usemycomputer)

Kate Beckinsale expects more, but pays less! (Derek Hail)

Senator George Mitchell released his long-awaited report on baseball's drug culture today, and leading the names on the list of players who have used steroids or human growth hormones in the past are New York Yankees pitchers Andy Pettitte and the once future lock for the Hall of Fame, Roger Clemens.

Clemens? Seriously!? Tubby was using 'roids? Hmph. I think Roger might want to consider getting a refund. I don't think his steroids worked; he's about as ripped as Perez Hilton after a cookie-and-latte binge. I've seen guys buffer than Clemens on NBC's "The Biggest Loser." Maybe he got some of those special gut-enhancing steroids and if that's the case, they're working wonders, Roger!

Various shots of The Gut below:

*Sigh.*

I'm just too tired to do it again. Look, Katherine. You and I are just not meant to get along, OK. I want to see the good in this photo, I really do. But, it's just so goddamn transparent. I mean, first of all: Look over your shoulder. That's where the writers are picketing. Only an opportunist with no sense of modesty would break rank with the writers so that she -- along with her pals -- can find a secluded area where she can provide ample photographic evidence that -- yes! -- look, "I'm striking. I'm striking! I love the writers!" Picketing is not a photo op, Ms. Cancer. It's not supposed to be a means to get your picture taken for the tabloids. Look at all the snapshots below -- in none can you be seen with the actual writers.

And see Sarah Ramirez there to the left? See how she's wearing a Writer's Guild T-Shirt? Yeah -- so, why are you wearing a Screen Actor's Guild T-Shirt? Just admit it, Katherine: It's because as much as you'd like to show your support for the writers, you don't want to be mistaken for one, right? Because writers are beneath you, huh? They don't have fragrance lines or magazine covers, and God forbid someone mistake you for one of the peasants you are stooping to support.

And I love that you have that big old smile on your face. Why? Because the strike means nothing to you -- you're not want for money, your family is not going to go without during the holidays. No: You can smile and laugh and giggle with your pals because, at the end of the day, you're still gonna get yours. Hell, I'm surprised you don't have someone carrying around that sign for you.

Go sell some perfume, lady. And if you want to support the strike, donate some money and stop distracting attention away from the actual people who need it.



 

Best Dramatic Movie: Atonement; American Gangster; Eastern Promises; The Great Debaters; No Country for Old Men; Michael Clayton; and There Will Be Blood.

Best Comedy or Musical: Charlie Wilson's War; Across the Universe; Hairspray; Juno and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Best Actor, Drama: George Clooney - Michael Clayton; Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood; James McAvoy -- Atonement; Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises; Denzel Washington - American Gangster. 
Best Actress, Drama: Cate Blanchett - Elizabeth: The Golden Age; Julie Christie - Away From Her; Jodie Foster - The Brave One; Angelina Jolie - A Mighty Heart; Keira Knightley - Atonement.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical: Amy Adams - Enchanted; Nikki Blonsky - Hairspray; Helena Bonham Carter - Sweeney Todd; Marion Cotillard - La Vie En Rose; Ellen Page - Juno.   

Poor Frankie Muniz.. It's bad enough he morphed from "beloved child star" to "giant headed freak with small ears and face" -- but now he shows up to red carpet events with one of those shirts that looks like you're wearing a backpack and his hand in his pocket. Tsk, tsk tsk.

Good God! Look at this handsome collection of Hollywood hunkage. Three men so off the charts, they exist on a stratospheric plane beyond People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful Celebrities -- they're, like, the three hottest men of the universe for all time. Known collectively as The Ass Magnets, alone Justin Long, Seth Rogen, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse are capable of attracting massive amounts of tail, but put them together, and it's like a giant ultraviolet ass zapper-- the gravitational pull is so overpowering that its been known to alter the shape of certain asses. Women who come within a 60-foot radius often find themselves pulling melted panty out of their bejejas for days. It's not a matter of who these fellas go home with, but a matter how of many women they are capable of satisfying in a single, overnight period -- models, celebrities, secretaries, and dental hygienists all stand in a line around the block from Casa Ass and wait, in assembly-line fashion, for the chance to be tapped by an Ass Magnet

Unfortunately, only a lucky 50 - 60 women are granted tap status each night, while the rest are given the above photo, and a voice recording of the three talking dirty and left alone to take care of their own itches, itches that burn for weeks and weeks.

More ass magnets at the Walk Hard premiere.

 

At last night's Los Angeles premiere of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, star John C. Reilly showed up in character... Because who doesn't do that these days?

Yeah, here's the thing, John. This is like your first big starring role, right? And don't think I'm not happy for you, because I am. You totally deserve it, buddy -- you really do. But don't be that guy. We already have that guy, and his name is Will Ferrell. And he's plenty obnoxious enough for the both of you. Trust me on this.

Oh, wow! This one is gonna be awesome. I can feel it now -- nice and plump. This ain't no nose goblin -- it's a motherfucking snot gnome. Slimy but completely intact. Damn! This one is gonna get a ribbon at the county fair. It's huge -- I gotta get it quick or it's going to start poking at my brain. I just gotta snake up past it on the left, crook my nail juuuuust right, and (pop!) there you are, you little munchkin. How long have you been hiding out up there, huh? You sneaky bastard. I gotta take a picture of you with my camera phone and send it to Haylie. She will flip!

Now, how am I going to get you off my finger? (shakes hand wildy). Shit -- it's still stuck there. What the? (flick flick flick). Damnit. Oh look -- there's Avril. Oooh. Now would be a great time to make up. I'll just give her a hug and wipe it off on the back of her shirt. Perfect. Evil, but perfect. "Hey Avril, c'mere ..."


 

Britney Spears was scheduled to appear at a very important deposition yesterday regarding the custody of her children -- however in a completely shocking and unprecedented turn of events, she didn't so much uh, go.

Sam Lufti, Spears' primary hanger-on of late, said the singer's anxiety level was too high for her to honor the appointment and that she bailed on the meeting after phoning a doctor.

Per Lufti, Spears had every intention of making the deposition and said the duo "got up and ready to go" to the offices of Federline's lawyer. "Her attorneys came to pick her up, but when she saw the media frenzy outside her house, her anxiety skyrocketed."

Who the hell did she call, Dr. Meth? Maybe next time Britney is needed in court they should just scratch out "Los Angeles County Courthouse" on the summons and write in "Starbucks" over the address instead. That oughta get her there. And just in case she catches onto the ruse, be sure to hang a sign outside of the courthouse that says "FREE FRAPPACINOS TODAY." Not only will she not mind the media frenzy, but she'll even call them herself.

There is only one man who could pull off this outfit outside of the 1991's film de la restiance Ski School, and look this fabulous doing so -- and that man is Alan Cumming. You work it, girlfriend! Your sexy is so sexy even the cameras get blinded by it. Well either that, or the reflection from the giant silver coat. Probably the sexy, though.

Lily Allen looks smokin' hot in GQ! (Popoholic)

Because the Spice Girls weren't awesome enough the first time around. (usemycomputer)

Why do I have a sudden craving for ham? (IDLYITW)

J Lo thinks babies don't poop or pee or vomit, and probably that they smell like roses all the time, too. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Alba is knocked up, and I can't even muster up the tiniest bit of giving a shit. (Celebitchy)

Do you even have to ask whether or not Madonna got plastic surgery? The woman is like 60! (cityrag)

Will Smith gets a little PDA from a German Shepherd. (Ayyyy!)

It's a Pajiba Christmas, Charlie Brown! (Pajiba)

After years of pressure from parents and fascist health councils fed up with the glorification of moist, delicious chocolate chip treats, "Sesame Street's" Cookie Monster has unfortunately been pulled from the show. The absence has left an opening on "Monsterpiece Theater," formerly hosted by the Cookie Monster, under the guise of Alistair Cookie.

However, today PBS unveiled plans to revive "Monsterpiece Theater" with a new host, the "X-Files'" Gillian Anderson. The addition is quite a boon to the series, in part because of Anderson's star wattage and also because insiders don't believe that Anderson will eat the smoking pipes. Producers are likewise confident that she will be able to swallow her food. On-set employees of the old "Monsterpiece Theater" had grown increasingly annoyed with Cookie's inability to chew with his mouth closed, as well as the unpleasant mess of crumbs he frequently left behind. Anderson represents an entirely new direction in the series, though the beauty says that she plans to continue gnawing on the set's infamous chair.

The first episode, a reprisal of Grover's 39 Steps, is set to air in January. Omm nom nom.

 

Last week, we presented you with what must have been the most airbrushed photos of all time, featuring a nude Eva Mendes in her "I'd rather be naked" campaign for PETA. Well, it has come to our attention that there are photos that have been touched up more than a pair of breasts at an office Christmas party. Indeed, a team of Photoshop editors must have worked overtime on the above image; Katherine Heigl is damn near presentable.  Whoever managed to Photoshop out 37 layers of foundation, 12 layers of skank, 9 layers of false modesty, and egregious levels of solipsism ought to be given a gold star. Frankly, I didn't think it was possible to remove that many blemishes from an image and still leave behind something recognizable. Helluva airbrush job. Bravo.

 

Product Description: This lightweight and non-oily gel promotes a natural, golden tan for face and body without sun exposure. It's instantly absorbed, so there's no need to wait before dressing, with results in just two hours. Paris Hilton's Self Tanning Instant Gel imparts a natural, radiant, year-round glow without streaking.

Note: This is a paid advertisement. Webster's is my Bitch does not specifically endorse the use of Paris Hilton's Self Tanning Instant Gel, nor can we be held responsible for increased sex drive or loss of brain function that might arise from its use. Chlamydia (not pictured) sold separately. Do not operate heavy machinery within 24 hours after application. Void in Vermont. All SALES ARE FINAL. 

PETA has finally targeted Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen for their unabashed wearing of fur, dubbing them "The Trollsen Twins" with a new ad campaign and website devoted to "Hairy-Kate" and "Trashley." In a statement, the group said:

"Thin-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are about to get some publicity that will have them running away faster than if they'd spotted a calorie.

Now, while I do appreciate a snappy burn, I would just like to say that we here at W.I.M.B. were actually the first to report that Mary Kate and Ashley were trolls. A little credit would be nice, is all I'm saying. And in Mary Kate and Ashley's defense, that's what trolls do -- they travel the wind, kill animals and wear their hides (to cover up their little troll tails, of course). They're wild animals, what do you expect? My dog got out once and killed a rabbit. What are you gonna do, call the animal police?

There are reports that Jessica Simpson is just aching to take off her skivvies in front of the camera if it means she'll finally be respected as an actress.

A source said: "Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting.

"The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all."

Oh, sweetie. You really do need to read your scripts a little more closely. There's not a sequel to Ridley Scott's Oscar winning film, Gladiator, in the works, and if there were, it most certainly wouldn't be called Gladheateher, and the original role was for a character named Lucilla, not Loose Ella. The only respect you're looking to get by appearing in that movie is from the Kleenex  company.

Well now, what do we have here? Kylie Minogue in full on dominatrix gear? Looks like someone is ready for some kinky fun! Now what do you say we get out of here and go trolling the dive bars for a willing sucker to tie up and violate by ramming large, cylindrical objects up his ass? Or if rednecks aren't your thing, I could always just dial up Charlie Sheen again. Your call!

Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and caldron bubble. Nice try, but I'm onto you hag. Oh yeah, I've read all the fairy tales, I know how it goes. One minute it's like "Come on in my house made of gingerbread! We'll have some nice cookies and milk; it'll be sweet..." and the next it's all, "Get in the oven, kiddo -- and make like pot roast." You witches think you're sooo fucking smart, don't you? Pull that shit again and you'll find a nice roastin' stake with your name on it.

James Franco apparently smoked a big ole bowl of incoherence before stepping in front of a mic. (Yeeeah!)

Heather Graham slipped and fell onto another penis during filming of her latest movie. Clumsy girl! (IDLYITW)

The truth is: Jack Nicholson may actually be your father. (Celebitchy)

Two people I've never heard of, nor could possibly give a shit about, have called off their engagement. Tweeners everywhere weep tears of blood. (Evil Beet)

I barely recognized Eva Mendes with all those clothes on. (Usemycomputer)

Which is the tastier slice of man meant: David Beckham or Paul Rudd? (FListed)

Hot girls are mean. And so is Janice Dickinson. (Jossip)

Man: How can such a nice, affable guy be such a waste of carbon deep down inside? (Queerty)

Homo sapiens aren't the only ones that can enjoy hot man-on-man action; thanks to research, fruit flies are now getting in on the action, too. (Poponthepop)

CoEd Magazine, a periodical devoted the undergraduate academia, has followed up its hard-hitting report on the Top 20 Side Boobs of All Time with a introspective piece on the 20 Sexiest Athlete's wives. It's a think-piece.

Of course, the great irony here is that the wife who appears as number one on the list, Carmella DeCesare (above), is married to Tampa Bay Buccaneer QB, Jeff Garcia, and those who follow football know that, should CoEd Magazine hire a Pulitzer Prize winning journo to cover the 20 Most Obvious Closet Cases in the NFL, Garcia would undoubtedly top the list. Dude is gayer than a Republican senator.

Some others on the list, from left to right, include the wife's of Jeff Gordon, Mark McGwire, Tiger Woods, and Anna Benson.

I realize that both earnestness and a complimentary nature are terribly out of place on a gossip blog. But, I'm just going to put it out there: Rachel Bilson is a very pretty girl. With her clothes on. She's kind of stunning, actually.

I am curious, however, as to why there might be a World Premiere Screening of a trailer, but that's what she's attending. And, frankly, the trailer (after the jump) leaves me a little cold. Truthfully, I cannot watch it without thinking of TK's Sam Jackson oratory rattling in my head: "I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING TELEPORTATION."

Still, Rachel Bilson: Very pretty:

What's that I just heard? The entire kingdom of Fanboy collectively doing the Dorito-and-Halitosis toe curl? 137 geeks just ejaculated in their man-sized Superman underoos when they heard that Kristen Bell was sporting a Princess Leia  outfit. Sixteen men, each in their early 30s, saw the above image and scurried off into the office restrooms with a dirty gym sock. Nine co-workers, minding their own business, just walked past a fanboy cubicle and got shot in the eye with an unpleasant substance. And four men with unsightly facial hair unsuspectingly ran across the above image this morning and spontaneously combusted.

In the Land of Fanboy -- where Harry Knowles watches over the unbathed masses -- Chrismas has come early.

Q: What do you get when you cross a legally retarded person with a post-op transsexual?

A: The last two people on this Earth I would want to get trapped in an elevator with.

Notorious humanitarian whore Paris Hilton came to the valiant rescue of an Oompa-Loompa who was injured in the middle of a performance in a nightclub last weekend. Okay, let that sink in for a hot minute, because it gets even crazier. The Oompa-Loompa (real name Robin Sherwood) is in dire need of a kidney transplant, and Paris, along with her sister Nicky, have supported a foundation to facilitate the operation.

So the drunk elephant thing from before, that was all just a brilliant work of fiction -- but Paris Hilton going around saving Oompa-Loompas is the God's honest truth? At this point I'm so dumbfounded, if you told me that Paris discovered farts were destroying the ozone and launched a national "Just Hold It" campaign, I would probably just cover my ears and run away.

Little advice, Will. I'm not expert or anything, so just take it for what it's worth. But, if I were you, I don't think I'd crouch down into that position if Tom Cruise were anywhere within, say, a 30-foot vicinity. You little cock tease. I'm guessing poor Tom walked around during that handprint ceremony carrying a folder over his lap.

More from the Grauman's Chinese Theater ceremony:
 
  

Sharon, you look fabulous. The hair, makeup, jewelry, and dress -- it's all perfect! Honey, there are bitches half your age who don't look this good.

Just one teensy gripe. Why the grimace stole? You know they're endangered, right? I really encourage you to read some literature on the subject. It's just horrible what they do to these creatures. Poachers go after the grimace pups, club them over the head until their little brains ooze out all over the grassy woodland floor and just leave their bloody skinless bodies behind for the McNuggets to scavenge. And you, Miss Stone -- a high profile celebrity like yourself only perpetuates these horrible crimes. Next time try showing a little more responsibility.

Although I didn't even realize they used to be a couple in the first place, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Mary-Louise Parker are apparently back on. Of all the three-part named actors I can think of, these are definitely two of my favorites, so I'm pleased to see them together.

I'm less enthusiastic, however, about that fattie lip caterpillar Jeffrey Dean Morgan is rocking. Because, is it just me or does it make the two of them resemble "Pepe Le Pew" and that cat he was always trying to rape? Which is kind of crazy, since Pepe Le Pew doesn't even have a mustache. It just seems like he should, you know? Well, I am sorry if that makes me "prejudiced" again French people.

Note: Hasn't anyone ever told Jeffrey Dean Morgan not to wear his "corpse buryin' shoes" to Hollywood events?

Last week. we advised Superbad's Jonah Hill against standing next to Emile Hirsch at parties, knowing that the discrepancy in physical attractiveness would kill any chance of him getting lucky that night. Fame and money will only get you so far -- after all, if you put a piece of chocolate wedding cake next to a Hostess Ding Dong, who the hell is gonna go home with the fat guy, right? Well, Jonah apparently took our advice, choosing to hang out with Jorge "Hurley" Garcia at the Breakthrough of the Year Awards, thus ensuring that he'd see some action at night's end. Unfortunately, the bastard didn't pass along the same advice to Hurley, which is why that poor bastard spent some time standing next to Emile Hirsch and ended up going home with only a gift bag, while Jonah Hill got lucky and went home with Ben Foster. Meanwhile, Christopher "McLovin'" Mintz-Plasse apparently spent the evening hanging out with Rumer Willis, because he was the big winner at night's end. Nice take, McLovin'!

Paris Hilton knows how to land a man: with a bottle of ether, a roll of duct tape and a strap-on, of course! (Yeeeah!)

Rick Martin is GAY??? I am shocked -- shocked at this news! (DListed)

Too cute for words Kristen Bell shines at a holiday party. (UseMyComputer)

Poor Kate Hudon's kid is taking after his Dad. (Evil Beet)

Lindsay Lohan cheated on her rehab boyfriend with a drug dealer; begged for drugs? That sounds so... very much like her. (Celebitchy)

Brad Pitt builds a bunch of pink houses in New Orleans. (Ayyyy!)

Juno is the best movie you probably won't get to see this year because it's only playing limited release in major cities. Curses! (Pajiba)

Tara Reid still looks like a used up old prostitute. (Celebslam)

What happened to you, Diane Court! I gave you my heart, and you gave me this?Pasty skin, a glum expression, and bulimia! Ione Skye! What the fuck? Remember, "She's the cheeze and I'm the macaroni!"? Well, now you look like some sort of macaroni art. You are Diane Court. Not a toilet-paper roll wrapped in a polka-dot doily. What are doing with yourself these days? Assisting Seigried and Roy in their latest Vegas Crapaganza? This is not funny -- my 20-year-old crush just shriveled up and keeled over. You're only 36? You look like you've been run through the crystal-meth age accelerator and thrown in front of a fun-house mirror. This is so depressing. It's like the episode of "Where Have They Been" from hell.

Gander at the carnage:

I'll tell you, nothing chaps my ass like some dipshit invading my personal space -- right, Jude? Someone really ought to clue Jonny Lee Miller here in on the fine intricacies of appropriate physical boundaries before he learns his lesson the "getting dragged behind a drinking establishment and beaten within an inch of his life" kind of way.

Hmmm. Something is missing here. But I can't quite put my finger on it. It's tough -- something ought to be in this picture, but it's inexplicably absent. Something important. Crucial, even. What could it be? Hmmm.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a bra! Rumer: Put on a fucking bra! For God's sake: Never leave your house without strapping on the boulder holder, alright. Those sweater monkeys need to be caged, girl.  Put a case on those pillows, hon. Refrigerate the dairy section, lady. You gotta put some sunglasses on those big brown eyes before you go into public, sweetie. Otherwise, you're going to scare the bejesus out of little kids.

On the plus side, those babies do focus attention away from your face.


 

Scott Baio, currently starring in VH1's pseudo-reality show "Scott Baio is 45... and Single," got hitched this weekend to longtime girlfriend Renee Sloan in a rooftop ceremony in Los Angeles this Saturday.

I guess kind of puts kind of a cramp on his show, although I'm sure they can just temporarily change the title to something like "Scott Baio isn't Single Anymore but Still Old and Sucks" until the inevitable messy divorce in a couple years. But then I guess they'll have to change it to something completely different, like "Scott Baio is 50... and Divorced; Still Generally Sucks at Life." Got a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Remember when Lisa Marie Presley was in her 20's and everyone used to gush about how she looked like young "hot Elvis" and etcetera? Well, now she's nearing 40 and I guess it turns out the apple really doesn't fall far from the peanut-butter and bacon sandwich loving tree. Grease her up with Crisco and stuff her into one of those bedazzled white and gold jumpsuits and it'll be like ol' Elvis never even left the building.

Owen Wilson is secretly rockin' the Schlong of Ages. (Evil Beet)

Tom and Katie's boring ass vanilla Christmas card. Wait, those people celebrate Christmas? (Yeeeah!)

What's the solution to all of Britney's problems? Why, hundreds of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery, of course! (The Blemish)

I kinda want to steal Megan Fox's fabulously cute shirt! (Popoholic)

Tara Reid is officially a bag lady. (Celebslam)

Dammit. I actually really liked Elisha Cuthbert's hair until I saw this. (IDLYITW)

OH HELL NO: Photographic evidence of Amy Winehouse's beef curtains. (Agent Bedhead)

Finally, an appropriate forum to freely admit your huge, lifelong crush on Eugene Levy. (Pajiba)

Eva Mendes is next in a line of celebrities to pose for an advertising campaign for the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Judging by the photos, which were unveiled last night, the slogan for Eva's campaign ought to be: "Fur? I'd Rather Go Airbrushed." Is it even possible to be that blemish free? There are no birthmarks, no pimples, no scars, and she apparently has gravity-defying breasts. Show me a woman with a beauty mark mole on their face who doesn't have a single mole anywhere else on her body and I'll show you the magic of Photoshop! She doesn't even have elbow wrinkles -- who doesn't have elbow wrinkles!

Judge for yourself:

 

Here's a tip, Hayden: Limit yourself to no more than 5 layers of foundation and, when it comes to applying lipstick, try not to slather yourself in it. What'd you get? The cherry-flavored variety? Yeah. I know it's tempting to eat it, but try to contain yourself. And if you are sharing make-up artists with fucking Krusty the Clown, you might want to look into someone who is more experienced with people, instead of decorating birthday cakes.

Here are some more images of Hayden from the GQ Man of the Year red carpet, but I must warn those with coulrophobia against clicking on the images.

Isn't it funny how one goofy smile can turn a distinguished, dapper looking man into a 45-year-old white-haired band geek? This is why Anderson Cooper is in the journalism business -- all that grim news means that the man never has to show his scary-goofy side. Just look at that smile! There's a grin you won't find anywhere else but a Chinatown adult video store. In fact, it looks like Rosario Dawson may have been giving him a shocker when the photograph was taken.

More tantalizing images from the CNN Heroes: All Star Tribute, including the bootylicious Christiane Amanpour:

Due to my aversion to shitty music I've for the most part successfully avoided "The Pussycat Dolls" up until now, and this is really the first time I'm seeing them up close.

Sooo... Everyone else knows these are a bunch of dudes, right? Or is this just another one of those things like "2 Girls 1 Cup" where I'm the last one in on the joke? Again. Because seriously, these guys make Fergie and Pink look like the work of frigging Michelangelo.

Wow, that's um... A lot of glitter. A whole lotta glitter. I'm going to go with the 'if you can't say anything nice' route and just say that Shar Jackson makes a perfectly lovely life-sized Christmas ornament. I just wouldn't want her sitting on my couch, is all. Nothing personal, but you know I'd still be picking that shit off next summer.

Look at this magazine! Who is that hot lookin' lady on cover? Is that me? Oh, I had no idea! None whatsoever. I was just thumbing through the periodicals in my local Border's -- you know, reading about the writer's strike, which is very important issue and I support the writers 100 percent, I even spent 10 minutes picketing one day, you may have seen me; I was the one standing in front of the photographers -- and anyway, I picked up this Vanity Fair because I heard there was an article about Gloria Steinem, who is a feminist, and -- oh, did I mention I was a feminist, too? Oh yeah -- I believe that women ought not show excessive amounts of skin unless, you know, it's for a good cause, like the writer's strike. So, anyway, I just walked out with this copy that I just happened to be carrying like this when you walked by with your camera. What a clinky dink! Oh, did I mention that the magazine called me "Hollywood's hottest blonde?" I mean, I don't believe that or anything, and really, it doesn't matter because, like, beauty is only skin deep and ... what's that?

You wanna see the photos inside? Oh, let me show you -- it's for a good cause, right? You support the writers, don't you? I mean, I'm only showing you cause I don't want to be rude:

 

Despite the fact that she continues to fail at life in every conceivable way, Amy Winehouse has inexplicably picked up six Grammy nominations, including album of the year (Back to Black), song of the year ("Rehab"), and best new artist.

Uhhh, just a hunch ... But somehow I get the feeling that unless they started filling those little golden phonographs with blow, Amy Winehouse probably doesn't really care much about winning a Grammy award these days.

Jack Black (who is barely recognizable these days thanks to modern day inventions such as bleach and razors) was apparently not thrilled about the gratuitous use of his ass in his new film, Margot At The Wedding. Yeah, join the club.

He says, "I was shocked to see the film when I saw my rear. I thought it would be a bit more shapely. They lied to me to get me to do the scene. They said, 'Oh, your ass, it's mouth watering. Let's get this on film before it's too late!' And I believed them. But it seemed like I had three asses somehow... My ass had double chins. That's not right. I've joined a gymnasium since the film. The next time you'll see my ass it'll be much more flattering."

The next time we see his ass? What the hell did we do to deserve a next time? That's like telling a guy who just spend a week icing his nuts after a vasectomy, "Oops, we messed up! We'll have to do it again. But next time it won't be so bad -- promise!"

Jonah Hill: Let me offer you a little advice, OK? I know you're probably new to these big celebrity parties, and probably never expected that Superbad would launch you into semi-stardom. But listen to me, OK? I'm sure at certain events, like an "SNL" cast party or a comic-book convention, you can just say, "Hey! I'm Jonah Hill. I was in Superbad and Knocked Up" and you're probably going to get laid that night.

But this is the GQ Man of the Year Awards we're talking about. If you want to get laid, this is very important: Always stand next to Seth Rogen and never stand next to Emile Hirsch. The contrast is just too much for most women to handle. It's like K-Fed asking Brad Pitt to be his wingman and then complaining because Brad took the good looking one home. I mean, what did you expect? That Brad Pitt was gonna go home with Ms. Humpty while you hooked up with Ms. Teen North Carolina. No. That's not how it works.

People Magazine has dug deep into the wellspring of year-end lists and decided to offer up  their cutest couples of the year, which is basically an excuse to run a few pictures of the magazine's staples. The list is about as unoriginal and expected as you might imagine: Skank Cancer and Josh (Self-Absorbed Couple of the Year); Angelina and Brad (Call Angelina "cute" to her face, I dare you); Tom and Katie (crazy cute? or just crazy); Ben & Jenn (well, yeah: They're pretty cute); Nicole and Keith (not cute at all) (; X-Tina and Stubbly No Chin (ditto); Eva and Tony (neither cute nor interesting).

But, we here at W.I.M.B. would like to recognize the couple that should've been awarded cutest couple: Will and Amy. Seriously, is there a cuter couple than this? There is not.

 

David Blaine's next superhuman feat: Permanent Brain Damage! (Celebitchy)

Tara Reid: Will work for Jell-O shots. (IDLYITW)

Skank Cancer rocks the Cancer Stick. (Evil Beet)

Beyonce suffers from a severe case of loose wrists. Also, she's a lazy goddamn diva. (Dlisted)

For those of you wondering, Ashley Olson does indeed expel gas. (Cityrag)

Cindy Crawford seeks to one-up Jennifer Love Hewitt in the illustrious category of Unflattering Angle. (The Blemish) But Hayden Panettiere wins the day! (Usemycomputer)

Britney's taste in men: Impeccable! Who doesn't love homicidal dudes? (Poponthepop)

Three reasons that Queery absolutely rocks. (Queerty)

In separated at birth revelations: Lord Malfoy and Nicole Kidman? (Ayyyy!)

Listen, ladies. I need to make a confession, OK? I know the whip and the leather boots suggests a certain kind of dominatrix -- the sort that likes to leave gashes in the backsides of a big, gorgeous hunks of man meat. But, sometimes, after a long day of bobbing for Julian McMahon's ass, I like to get a little frisky with the creative types, if you know what I mean. And Simon Pegg is my secret pansy-boy crush. He's not as rough-and-tumble as my usual clientelle, but the things he can do with a Sharpie! Grrrrowl. Hoo-boy. And when he stops by the torture dungeon with a whole bag of them?! My knees wobble and I get goosebumps on my funny place. I've still got permanent marker tracks in unspeakable places from the last time Mr. Pegg paid me a visit.

Shudder. Shudder. Gush-and-Shudder.

Check out some more images of my boy toy below:

Yee-ikes. Right there with you, Hay. It looks like someone must have told Rumer Willis they'd take her picture if she went over and stood next to the girl from "Heroes" -- and poor Hayden Panettiere does her best to muster up an awkward and uncomfortable smile. I thought these GQ "Man of the Year" events were supposed to be by invitation only? Not to mention exclusive to people who aren't totally fug and wearing see through clothing.

Ummm. Keira, sweetie. The ... er ... your ... um ... the suspenders go on OVER the shirt, not that we don't love looking at your protruding clavicle, cutie pie. And, are you taking over the role of Frank-N'-Hooker in the London revival of X-Rated Rocky Horror Picture show? Or did your makeup girl just wallpaper over the paint? You gotta take the first coat off before applying a second coat, honey?

More of Keira Knightley's clavicle:

 

Alleged model "Caprice" took part in a photo shoot for FSNBF -- an organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for serving and retired Fire Service personnel. I have only a passing acquaintance with Caprice's existence thanks to one time when I accidentally watched an entire season of "The Surreal Life" in a hungover stupor, so I'm not really making the connection here. But I guess if the Pam Anderson/PETA marriage has taught us anything, a surefire way to add cred to your non-profit is with a bleach blonde skeezer with a fake rack and cosmetically butchered face.

Teri Hatcher is being sued by Hydroderm after breaking an "exclusive endorsement deal" she signed with the company in 2005, by allegedly promoting products for City Cosmetics.

"Hatcher's name, image and likeness have been linked to so many competitors' products (at least 17!) that it is anyone's guess as to what product keeps her skin and lips youthful," said the lawsuit.

What keeps Teri Hatcher's skin and lips youthful? Uh, is "no substance known to mankind" an acceptable answer? If the people at Hydroderm had three collective brain cells to knock around between them, they might see that the best course of action here is the same you'd take when accidentally cutting a burrito fart in the middle of your office -- clear your throat inconspicuously, back away slowly and pretend it never happened.

There has been a lot of speculation since Lindsay Lohan left rehab with regard to who she is dating these days. Most accounts say she has dumped her rehab boyfriend Riley Giles, and others are suggesting she's either dating Heath Ledger or her ex, Stavros Niarchos.

But they're all wrong. In fact, Lohan (seen above) is has actually become involved in a polyamorous relationship with a series of her acid flashbacks.

 

Which one of these is not like the other?

Looks like Kelly Osbourne has fallen on hard times; she's apparently begun her career as a street performer -- one of those statuesque mimes who stands completely still until a 11-year-old girl walks by, at which point she blows a whistle and makes the preadolescent wet her pants and wail for her mommy. Above, she's posing with several tourists in exchange for a value meal at McDonalds.

Cute as a button Jennifer Love Hewitt shows off her antique engagement ring. (Celebslam)

Megan Fox tries to look cool. Ahhh, nope -- not happening. (cityrag)

Unlike Johnny Depp who has a cool pass for life. (IDLYITW)

Britney Spears blackmailing Paris Hilton sounds slightly less plausible than the plot of an episode of "Inspector Gadget." (Yeeeah!)

Somebody get Malibu out of retirement! American Gladiators is back -- motherfuckers! (Pajiba)

Jee-sus Christ. Jessica Alba still sounds like a broken fucking record. (Popoholic)

Who wears short shorts? Hayden Panettiere wears short shorts! (The Blemish)

Who wants Britney's scraps? (DListed)

Me-fucking-ow! Normally I don't like to mix business with pleasure, but they never told me I'd be staring down the 12 gauge double-barrel of David Duchovny and Michael C. Hall -- in the same room together, no less! Holy hell, would you just look at that man's sexy-ass forearms? Mmmm... Mommy like. I can think of unspeakable things I'd like to do to these two involving this whip. And maybe a bottle of hot sauce, a couple of ball gags, and some ring bologna.

Page Six is reporting that Britney Spears only showed up to the set of her upcoming music video for "Pieces of Me" last Tuesday after her record label threatened to give the shoot to an younger, upcoming artist.

"Jive hired Wayne Isham to direct, had all the dancers there - hair, makeup and everything," our source added. "But she refused to come. Jive was really upset. They were already paying everyone overtime, and finally Britney showed up 12 hours late - but only after they told her they were going to give the video shoot to another Jive artist, Samantha Jade."

Anyone who has ever lived in a home with more than one dog knows that the only way to get a dog to eat something it doesn't want is to call the other dog over to feign interest. All of a sudden, that heartworm pill or celery you dropped on the floor looks damn appetizing to dog number one. So maybe all these authority figures and family members have been taking the wrong approach by appealing to Brit's sense of responsibility and guilt. I'm thinking what she really needs is a trip to obedience school. An "Invisible Fence" shock collar with a steady supply of Variety Snaps probably wouldn't hurt either.

Eeiieekk!!! Jodie! Jodie! Lookout! There's a bear standing next to you! Ah, Christ. For the love of... I can't look. This is tragic, just tragic. Poor thing... It's gonna maul her to pieces.


Psst, nice Dwight Schrute hair you're rockin' these days, Travolta.

Schnikeys! Look at the gams on Renee Zellwegger. Those are Linda Hamiltonian. Impressive. She could choke a bad country-and-western singer with those. Willickers. Look at the muscle definition. She is making those high-heels her bitch. Man alive. Someone might want to put George Mitchell on this -- those are a serious pair of legs. And see, Jenna; this is how you work a red carpet. Renee turns a whole lot of nothing into something. You won't find a citrus-sucking kewpie doll that walks the carpet better than Renee.

It's all about the angles.

Watching the video, for a few brief seconds -- around the minute mark -- I completely forgot that Zach Braff was a complete assbag. Hell, maybe I've been too hard on the guy; it's not often that a major motion picture star will do a line reading of a schmaltzy, sort of cringe-worthy script in furtherance of a marriage proposal. Of course, everything he reads herein is better than the encased Haggis he had to suffer through in The Last Kiss, so maybe it's simply a step forward in Braff's career. 

Oh, isn't this sweet? Johnny Depp, et. al., have allowed a homeless man to walk the red carpet at the premiere of Sweeney Todd. He looks like he's spent a lot of cold nights sleeping on heater grates with only a bottle in a paper bag as his companion. I'm a little disappointed, however, that Johnny didn't get him some decent clothes -- dumpster diving doesn't make for appropriate red-carpet attire. He sure looks happy, though -- poor bastard probably hasn't had this much excitement in decades. 

Kate Moss removes her top; reveals nasty spitball injuries. Gruesome. (IDLYITW)

Bear Grylls ventures into the wild Man-on-Man lifestyle of West Hollywood and miraculously comes out alive. (Queerty)

You know what New Orleans needs in the wake of Katrina? Art! And Brad Pitt brings it. (Celebitchy)

Tyra Banks talks sex with Bow Wow, generates more awkwardness than a Magnate School Prom. (Mollygood)

Pete Doherty runs to Amy Winehouse's aid after that tacky napalm incident. Well, of course he does. Junkies Unite. (Yeeah!)

Ashley Tisdale has a deviated brain. Huh? (*Beat*) Ahhh. (Evil Beet)

Penguins dressed as elves! Penguins dressed as elves! (Agent Bedhead)

OMG! OMG! OMG! Kirsten Dunst talks on her cellphone. (Usemycomputer)

The CH gang saves Lindsay Lohan from rehab. (College Humor)

I knew it! I always heard it was good luck to kiss a troll, but no one ever believed me. Sure, they all laughed and laughed when I kissed David Kerpowski in the seventh grade and called me "Troll Kisser" until we graduated -- but now who's a rich and famous gossip blogger? Uh huh, exactly. You can fully expect to see Selma Blair's career take a major resurgence in the near future.

Mark my words.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden launched The Richie Madden Children’s Foundation yesterday at the Los Angeles Free Clinic in Hollywood, showering 100 expectant mothers with over $200,000 worth of baby gifts.

"The looks on their faces were priceless," Richie told reporters after the shower. "Some of them didn't even believe us [when they saw the gifts]. They thought we were joking."

The Richie Madden Children's Foundation (at richiemaddenfoundation.com), Madden said, was an idea the couple had when they found out they were expecting. "We grew up in Los Angeles," he said, "and we want our child to be a part of the community, and to know that there's a responsibility to help the community."

Wait, what? No... It doesn't make sense. This is the part where Nicole says something stupid, vapid and selfish, and I make fun of it. That's what we do -- our roles in the "bigger picture," you could say. But this? It just doesn't compute. So confused... So confused...

It's Christmastime again, and if you want to give your loved one a gift she'll cherish for years to come, why not a human dildo? This awesome larger-than-life dong was cast from a poseur rocker's meaty likeness! Measuring over 65" long from suction-cup base to penis tip with a whopping 12 1/2" thick shaft, every effort was made to give this king-size rubber cock the realism you deserve! From the fat fleshy dome tip to the shaven balls, phallus fans everywhere will sing its praises! Thrust after tireless thrust, you’re bound to loose sleep over this Dream Cock! Recommend for use with plenty (and we do mean plenty) of douche-soluble lube!

Click the images below for alternative angles.

Word is that Nicole Kidman is suing Britain's The Daily Telegraph, after the newspaper alleged that Kidman has been using Jo Malone's White Jasmine and Mint perfume, instead of the product she endorses, Chanel No. 5. The article stated Nicole had been "dabbing it on whenever she had a moment" while in the U.K. to promote The Golden Compass. A statement from her law firm insists the allegations were "entirely untrue" and "grossly defamatory," adding "We have been instructed to obtain an immediate retraction of such allegations and are taking separate action against the Daily Telegraph."

No, the truth is, that wasn't perfume she was dabbing on -- it was liquid nitrogen. You don't think a bitch get to be that frosty on her own, do you? Being a lady that icy takes frequent applications, lest her face rise above the freezing point and wither like cracked zombie. The liquid nitrogen also helps on those occasions when she needs to cut glass with her nipples.

The trainwreck soon to be known as the great Spice Girls Tour Debacle of '07 has only just begun, and already the ladies are fending off allegations of lip syncing through their show.

The reformed five-piece wowed the sold-out crowd of 16,000 with hit after hit, but were accused by some critics of actually miming to a backing track.

However, a spokesperson for the group has dismissed the criticisms, saying, "All of the girls sang live. "There is a click track for the band to keep them in time, which is standard, but all of the girls' vocals were live.

Well, let's see here. According to the Daily Mail, the show consisted of 22 songs, eight costume changes, and a troupe of semi-clad male dancers. And this would be performed by a group of ladies who have done little else in the past 10 years besides intermittently getting pregnant and suffering eating disorders. So, going by my calculations (22 x 8 / 5 + 10 = A) not only did they not sing, but they should probably be dead by now. At the very least this is some serious bullshit, and at the most a cover-up on scale with the moon-landing.

Have I ever mentioned how much Marc Anthony skeeves me out? Oh, I have? Several times, even? Well, it's a point that I feel bears repeating. Jennifer Lopez and the Dark Lord Ratface attended the 2007 Movies Rock event last night -- and as you can see, Ratface wasn't letting anybody forget the fact that he's got the Latino Jesus Christ brewing in that belly of hers. Man alive does the thought of his cold, evil touch give me the willies. Normally I would think a touch like that would have an extinguishing effect on all living things, but seeing that it's his own seed in there, I guess it does the opposite. I just hope for J Lo's sake that she doesn't perish horribly after she gives birth to it.

So, Katherine Heigl had this to say about, Knocked Up, the movie that launched her movie career.

It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys," she says. "It was hard for me to love the movie."

Let me ask you something, Katherine? Did you decide to become the voice for the female empowerment movement before or after you posed for the above photo? Or this one? Or this one? Or this one? You want to stand up for women? Awesome. But, maybe try doing it with your fucking clothes on, Skank Cancer. Cause it's hard for me to  listen to the words coming out of your mouth with all that cleavage in the way.

And maybe you forgot that your character in Knocked Up was a humorless, uptight career woman with a paycheck and ambition who was thoughtful enough to look for something redeemable in a loutish, porn-obsessed loser. But hey! He was the funny one, while you were stuck being the responsible shrew. I guess that message wasn't the one you were trying to espouse, which is why you're next project is yet another bland romantic comedy about a jilted bridesmaid who falls in love with her sister's fiance. How very feminist of you.

You're a goddamn peach, Heigl.

(H/T IDLYITW)

Britney Spears miraculously lives another year on this Earth. (Yeeeah!)

Avril Lavigne isn't too punk rock to suck Paris Hilton's ass. (PopOnThePop)

What's with J. Simp's guilty look -- the one that says, "I'm sneaking into the back room at the local video store; I hope no one is watching." (IDLYITW)

Whoo! What's that smell? Why, it's Heather Mills' splayed open vaginny! (The Evil Beet)

Eliza Dushku isn't really an orgy participant, she just plays one in the movies. (The Blemish)

Goddamn, Lohan is looking like a corpse these day. (Celebslam)

Come to think of it, this wax figure of Lohan looks healthier than the real Lohan. (Popbytes)

And on that note, bet you'll never guess who the dumbest person in Hollywood is! (Celebitchy)

Jesus, Amy Winehouse. I knew you lacked class, but reenacting the Vietnam napalm photo is just plain tacky. 

In the United States, the term "pigs in a blanket" often refers to hot dogs or breakfast/link sausages starletards wrapped stuffed in biscuit dough, pancake, or crescent-roll dough a glorified fanny hammock and baked baked. 

Look, Jenna Fischer. I think you know how we feel about you. We're fans. We love the whole Jim & Pam thing, and we like that you're appearing in a smattering of films these days. We look forward to seeing you in Walk Hard in a couple of weeks. So, now what you know we love you, you'll know that this is coming from a good place and that we're only looking out for you, sweetheart. We realize you're relatively new to this whole red-carpet concept, so let me give you a few tips.

• First off, honey, it's all about angles; when you know a photographer is taking a picture, hold your chin up a little and turn your head to the side slightly; you don't want to look all jowly and double-chinny.
  
• Second, you really need to work on your fake smile, darling -- when you're showing off your pearly whites for the cameraman, separate your teeth slightly and try not to look like you're trying to wiggle your ears or talk for your ventriloquist dummy.
  
• And, finally, stay away from the Aquanet, sugar. You've got enough hair spray coursing through your mane to put a healthy dent in the ozone. You're at the Kodak Theater, babe; this isn't the Miss Jersey Trailer Park Awards or a Monster Truck Rally. I haven't seen hair poufed that high since the Poison/Cinderella double bill at the state fair back in 1996.
  

As for that dress, and the poses below, I don't even know where to start.

 

You know what I love about Beyonce? She doesn't let Stalinesque standards of "fashion" and "good taste" dictate what she's gonna wear. Oh, hell no! If Beyonce wants to wear the satiny mermaid dress -- again -- she's gonna wear the satiny mermaid dress. Bitches. I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if Beyonce had satiny mermaid style sweatpants that she wore running errands to Target. That's how much Beyonce doesn't give a shit what you think.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it: Hayden Panettiere's little brother Jansen is just really fracking adorable. Someday, Jansen... You're going to grow up and do something stupid. Maybe some bad decisions involving booze and an automobile, or maybe with your co-star of High School Musical 27 and a video camera. Maybe the co-star will even be another dude. Who knows? It's anyone's game right now. Oh yes, we'll be meeting again someday, Jansen -- I'm quite certain of it. But for right now, I'm going to let you bask in the cherubic glow of youth, and that really fun looking toy car.

After a slew of "unflattering" paparazzi-taken photos of J-Love at the beach (I found nothing unflattering about them, personally) leaked out last week, she hit back over the weekend, delivering this strong rebuke:

This is the last time I will address this subject. I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.

To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini - put it on and stay strong.

Glurp ... can't ... breathe ... too ... much ... earnestness ... blogger kryptonite. Large-chested celebrities ... not supposed to ... make sense or ... be capable of ... rational thought ... or have ... healthy ... sense of self. Feel sudden ... admiration ... for ... Jennifer Love Hewitt ... must repress ... memory of ... statement ... remind myself of what ... really matters ... televised chestploitation ... "Ghost Whisperer" ... bad show ... awful ... Hanes Her Way! ... ha ha ha ... happy place ... ahh ... can breathe ... again.

Montel "Mountain Get Out of My Way" Williams has issued a public apology following threatening 17 year old Courtney Scott, an intern with the Savannah Morning-News because he didn't care for a question she asked him. Williams was in town to promote a program giving free prescriptions to low-income people.

''As we were preparing to film, Montel walked up with his bodyguard and got in Courtney Scott's face pointing his finger telling her 'Don't look at me like that. Do you know who I am? I'm a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up,''' said Joseph Cosey, a web content producer for the newspaper. ''At this time he was randomly pointing at all of us.''

Now I may not be a "big star" like Montel, but I'm still from America. And in America we have a name for people who threaten to blow people up -- they're called terrorists. Hear that, Department of Homeland Security? Maybe all that wiretapping was unnecessary after all, because it seems the real terrorists are brazen enough to make threats right in front of reporters. Now I fully expect to see Montel's testicles hooked up to a car battery, STAT. That's not just the smell of frying balls -- that's the smell of freedom.