Despite recently admitting crushes on each other, Rikki Lake says that nothing happened between her and John Mayer outside of casual conversation.

"I swear to God, there is no story," she told PEOPLE Wednesday during a photoshoot for the magazine. "I met him at a party. He admitted he had a crush and I admitted, hey, vice versa. That was it. I wish there was actually something to tell. There was nothing."

Now I have it on good authority that Rikki Lake is a total sweetheart who would never say a bad word about anyone, so I'm going to take the liberties of translating that for you. What she really mean to say was:

"Well, I used to have a crush on him, anyway -- but that was before he dated Jessica Simpson. And since I wouldn't touch anything that had its dick in Jessica Simpson with a 10-foot pole, that kind of ruled out any possible romance."

I hear that girl. Nothing covers up the whiff of appeal to a man like the stench of skank. And not that it's a big loss, I guess it goes without saying that Nick Lachey and Joe Simpson are also permanently out of the dating pool as well.