DJ AM died this past weekend of a drug overdose. There really isn't anything funny about this. (Celebslam)

Disney has bought Marvel Entertainment, which means that Mickey Mouse now owns Wolverine. You soulless bastards. (Pajiba)

Oh look, lady Gaga is on the cover of V Magazine and she's-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! (Yeeeah!)

Demi Moore never had plastic surgery? Yeah, and I never got drunk off of a bottle of white wine then swallowed an entire can of whipped cream. (The Blemish)

I'm not sure who Stacy Haiduk is, but she is obviously completely and totally off her shit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California Pageant for firing her over "discrimination". Guess that business about not fulfilling her contract had NOTHING to do with it. (Celebitchy)

What? Dogs don't go to heaven after all? Fuck that shit, my little Kahlua is a fucking SAINT. (omg blog)

Mickey Rourke looks like a wishing troll on a bender. And with a really bad tan. (CelebSmack)

Oh hey, it's that blond bitch from The Hills. No, not that one, the other one. No, not THAT one, the other one. (usemycomputer)

Miley Cyrus is drinking a milkshake! What a terrible role model! She should be ashamed. ASHAMED! (Celeb Jihad)

Brad and Angelina bought gerbils, apparently to put up each others' butts. (Allie is Wired)

Remember how Christ Brown beat the ever loving fucksocks out of Rihanna a couple months ago? Well, he doesn't. No, really. He sat down with Larry King and basically went into full-on PR Damage control.

In his first interview since his Feb. 8 arrest for beating Rihanna, Chris Brown tells Larry King he doesn't remember abusing her and is still shocked the incident happened.

"When I look at it now, it's just like, wow, like, I can't — I can't believe that — that actually happened," he says in the interview, set to air Wednesday.

Though a judge has ordered Brown to stay 100 yards away from her for the next five years Brown, 20, tells King that he is still in love with Rihanna, 21. He said it's been "difficult" not being able to see her. (Asked about her dating other men," Brown said, "I definitely would be affected by it, but, at the end of the day, I mean, we're not together, so, if she's happy, I'm cool." He added, "We'll always be friends.") (Source)

Yeah, it sure must be hard to remember something like horribly abusing your girlfriend, especially when it's plastered all over the news. And the internet. And you have a police report. Seriously, the guy must tattoo reminders all over his body like that guy in Memento. He probably has shit like "Pick Up Milk" and "Don't Be A Violent, Mysogynistic Douche" all over his arms.

While I can fully appreciate people taking control of their own sexuality, I gotta admit, Megan Fox is starting to get a tad irritating. I mean yes, you're sexy, but come on, honey: It's not like you're the first person to have ever harnessed the awesome power of the vagina. Let it go.

Fox says she loves putting the typical "Hollywood type" man in his place.

"It's fun when someone intends to put you in his back pocket, but instead, he walks away wounded. I make it a mind game so they don't know if I'm hitting on them or mocking them," she says. "Male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a s---. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own." (Source)

See? Megan Fox doesn't need your penis. She's like Susan B. Anthony. Or Wonder Woman. But with bigger boobies. Now, if she would only use her magical ta-tas to speak out against something like female circumcision instead of just bragging about how many douchebag actors she blue-balled...

Here's Megan Fox and breasts of wonder and smiles at The Teen Choice Awards:

Because stories like these seem to pop up just about every fucking week, Macaulay Culkin is apparently the father of Michael Jackson's son, Blanket. Yes, Macaulay Culkin. The kid from fucking Home Alone apparently jizzed in a cup so he could create Michael Jackson's kid. Hell. Fucking. No.

One source said: "It is well known Jackson and Macaulay shared a unique bond.

"Now rumours are spreading like wildfire that Macaulay, who Jackson nicknamed Mack, is actually Blanket's biological dad."

Close pals say Jacko, who died aged 50 at his Los Angeles home in June, is not the natural dad of Blanket, his brother Michael, 12, or their 11-year-old sister Paris. (Source)

Well, on top of being really, really REALLY gross to think about, there's also the matter that Michael Jackson has been dead for like, TWO MONTHS, and people are still going apeshit over this. I know he was a great artist and all, but come on, people, let it go. Please stop this shit already. For reals, homeskillet, for the sake of my sanity, please fucking stop.

Remember how Zooey Deschanel kept getting mistaken for Katy Perry? Well, now the tables have turned, and Katy is getting mistaken for Zooey, and she's kinda acting like a royal asshole about it. I mean really, people think you actually have talent now! And I mean really, who doesn't love Zooey Deschanel? That's goddamn right.

Katy Perry was mortified after being mistaken for Zooey Deschanel.

The 'I Kissed A Girl' singer was astonished when she was recognised by a group of fans in Los Angeles - only to realise they thought she was the '500 Days of Summer' actress.

She posted on her Twitter page: "F**k. I'm outside minding my own business eating pinkberry & some s**tz yell out the car "zooooooeeey desccchanel" FML, welcome to LA.(sic) (Source)

Wow, how awful. Mistaken for the woman who performs in She & Him and starred in (500) Days of Summer? Wow, sucks to be you. But hey, it's still better than being mistaken for "That annoying chick who sang that song about kissing women for attention".

Here's Zooey at the premiere of (500) Days of Summer:

Oh goodie, what better way to start off your week then with a sign of the impending apocalypse: Heidi Montag wants to have a baby. All of a sudden, that crazy guy standing outside your office building with the "Repent! The End is Nigh!" sign doesn't seem quite so crazy, does he? Well, the good news is, Spencer isn't so keen on the idea, which I think marks the first time he's ever had a rational thought in his head.

"Heidi is the one with the baby fever; Spencer is not," Stephanie told MTV News, adding that the wannabe singer, 22, might be taking her motherhood cues from the local book store.

"Here's the deal: Basically, Heidi got married; [then] she's like, 'Oh my God, what do I do?'" she explained. "I really feel like she went to a bookstore and saw 'Newlyweds: The Wife's Edition,' and so now she's like, 'I still want to get a house with a white picket fence... and then probably a dog, and then we'll move on to kids. And I want to take cooking lessons.'" (Source)

HA! Please, like Heidi reads books. She'd probably sit around poking it with a stick trying to figure out how "The Word Sandwich" works. God help the poor child that pops out of her vajooter. I wonder if she and Spencer know that you can't return a baby for store credit if you don't like it.

Hey guys! I'm going on vacation next week, so I'm leaving you under the tender loving care of Jeremy until I get back. See you after Labor Day!

Stacy from Seriously? OMG! got an exclusive interview with the producer of the Final Destination films last night at the premiere. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww... John Krasinski and Emily Blunt are totally engaged! (Celebitchy)

Here's a list of the most schadenfreudtastic horror movie deaths. If you don't know what schadenfreudtastic means, it's probably because you're reading a gossip blog. (Pajiba)

Madonna opens her stupid face to defend gypsies; hilarity ensues. (Yeeeah!)

$2 Million worth of jewelry that was "on loan" to Lindsay Lohan conveniently was taken out of her safe that was robbed. Are we sure she played no part in this? (The Blemish)

Mickey Rourke is drunk ... Again! (Celebslam)

My head is still reeling over the story of the girl who's been kidnapped for the past 18 years. (CelebSmack)

Oh look, more Geri Halliwell in a bikini. (usemycomputer)

People are already speculating as to when we'll see Demi Lovato self-taken nude photos pop up on the internet. (Celeb Jihad)

John Mayer posed a challenge on his twitter yesterday to Harvey Levin of TMZ, that if TMZ could find his mugshot from a 2001 incident in Atlanta from when he was charged with driving with a suspended license, he would donate $25,000 to a charity of their choice. And of course they found it, nor was there ever a question as to whether or not they would find it, because they're TMZ and that's what they do.

So I don't really know what the point of this exercise was, other than that John Mayer really, really likes attention -- so much he's willing to sacrifice twenty-five grand and his personal humiliation for it. He's basically like the sad kid at school who's parents don't love him and he tries to make friends by doing stupid shit like consuming entire bottles of ketchup at lunch, but despite everything he still has no friends and still nobody loves him, other than the tapeworms he got from drinking all those condiments.

Even though they supposedly finally made peace with each other last month, Hulk and Linda Hogan are back at it again. But of course they are, because they're shallow, petty, horrible people. This time Linda is threatening to sue because Hulk is supposedly not upholding his end of their divorce settlement. Wah.

According to US reports, Linda has filed a motion in Pinellas County Superior Court, Florida, for the "enforcement of the confidential marital settlement". Linda claims the legendary wrestler has failed to release her beloved Harley Davidson motorcycle and pay her £140,000 which was due earlier this month.

But Linda is not only demanding the cash and vehicle — she now wants Hogan to foot the bill for all transport and attorney fees she has incurred during the long-running saga. And she has filed a request to have Hulk incarcerated if he fails to comply. (Source)

Oh wow, a Hogan in jail. There's a novel idea. Hey, if it's that easy to sue a Hogan I say we file a class action lawsuit and have the whole goddamn family tossed behind bars. I don't know if "Distasteful Overuse of Hair Bleach and Self-Tanner Products with Criminal Intent" would hold up in court, but I'm damn sure willing to give it a shot.

Megan Fox talked to MTV News about kissing Amanda Seyfried -- who, for the record, I think is way prettier than Megan Fox -- for a scene together in their upcoming film, Jennifer's Body. Spoiler alert! Amanda does have even softer lips than Shia LaBeouf!

"I feel much safer with girls, so I felt more comfortable kissing her in the movie than kissing any of the other people that I had to kiss," she told MTV News.

"I think she was extremely uncomfortable. I don't think that — I know that. She was not comfortable and there was a lot of laughing — like, giggling fits that happened in between takes." (Source)

Of course Megan Fox would be totally A-OK kissing another girl while your garden variety girl like Amanda Seyfried would be horrified by it. But to be fair to Amanda, that's only because Megan Fox's entire personality was meticulously fabricated based off of model bios in Penthouse magazine. I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

Joe Francis beat up "The Hills" star Brody Jenner's girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, at the Guys and Dolls club in Hollywood early this morning. This is not a surprise whatsoever, since Joe Francis is pure evil and once even assaulted a female reporter doing a story on him. Supposedly what happened was that Francis was harassing an ex-girlfriend of his (naturally) who happened to be friends of Jenner and Nicole's when Nicole intervened. Then all hell broke loose.

Jenner just spoke with us by phone. According to Jenner, he and his girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis'), Jenner says "unrelentingly." Jayde felt he was harassing the woman -- whom Jayde and Brody know -- and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away -- Brody followed. Jenner says he started yelling at Francis and both men were ejected from the club.

Outside the club, Jenner says he tried to get back in to see Jayde but security wouldn't let him. Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. (Source)

There is nothing about this story that doesn't make feel me sick to my stomach. I don't know how many times Joe Francis has to statutory rape underage girls or cheat on his taxes or assault women before he get thrown in prison for good. For every moment that this piece of shit scumbag is breathing free air, drinking expensive champagne and living in mansions -- somewhere out there, puppies are crying. That's right. Puppies. Crying. We as a society need to put this psychotic asshole behind bars where he belongs. If nothing else, do it for the puppies.

Ashton Kutcher's Spread is kinda like Shortbus, only less hot and un-fucking-watchable. (Pajiba)

Now you too can watch Lindsay Lohan's house being broken into, from the comfort of your own home! Seriously, now that's just cruel. (Yeeeah!)

You know, I used to think Spencer Pratt was just annoying, but now I think he's gone Robert Downey Jr.-style Full Retard on us. (The Blemish)

It's official: Jason Biggs has officially lived through my nightmare of having a monkey try to maul your fucking face off. (Seriously? OMG!)

I gotta say, Lauren Bacall is a kinda crazy that I can really get behind! Go you, honey! (Celebitchy)

Hermione Granger got caught drinking a Corona. GASP! Teenagers? Drinking? What is this world coming too? (Celeb Jihad)

Jennifer Garner and her daughter playing tag together warm the tiny, blackened, fozen cockles of my heart. (BricksAndStones)

If this poster is any indication, I fucking need to see Inglourious Basterds. (Agent Bedhead)

What better way for Chris Brown to celebrate the end of his trial for beating his girlfriend than by going out clubbing? Yay domestic abuse! (POTP)

In case of emergency, Jennifer Tilly's glorious boobage can be used as a flotation device. (Superior Gossip)

Avril Lavigne divorce rumors have been swirling for awhile now, mostly because she's an insufferable twat and nobody can imagine being married to her. But apparently this time it's serious, and she and husband Deryck [sic] Whibley are said to be on the verge of divorce.

That seemed apparent when the Canadian songstress was out and about in Southampton last weekend - sans hubby and looking anything but married. "She wanted to get away from Deryck and have a weekend to herself," says a source close to the "Sk8er Boi" singer.

A spy at celebrity eatery Georgica indeed saw Lavigne getting away - but hardly spending any time alone. Instead, says the onlooker, she was partying hard and hanging with a number of male admirers. Only later in the evening did Lavigne get paranoid about what the nearby paparazzi may have captured on film. "She kept running up to the photographers and asking to see the pictures they took," says one partygoer. (Source)

If Avril didn't want people taking pictures of her looking like a drunken whorebag, maybe she should have used better judgment not to act like a drunken whorebag out in a public place. But I guess you can't expect any kind of good judgment from the kind of classless person who mixes stripes and skull and crossbones patterns and wears pink in her hair after Labor Day.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have this really uncanny knack of looking nothing alike for two people who are supposed to be, you know, identical twins. These days Mary Kate looks like the love child of Edward Scissorhands and The Joker, while Ashley looks like she was birthed from your garden variety woodland gnome. Although I say "garden variety" when really they're only indigenous to parts of Northern California and Oregon. "The more you know."

Heidi gave Spencer a lap dance on MTV's "The After Show" at a club following Heidi's craptacular Miss Universe performance, meaning she gyrated awkwardly in front of him like she had Tourette's syndrome, which of course Spencer took in with all the fervor of a toddler watching Barney. Meanwhile, host Jessi Cruickshank sat next to them looking visibly uncomfortable. She probably didn't know working for MTV was so dangerous. Usually the only jobs you hear about that come with a risk of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are coal miners and Iraq War soldiers.

Anne Heche went on "Letterman" last night to promote ... Well, I don't even know what she was there to promote. Because all anyone's talking about is the psychotic rant she went off on, trashing her ex-husband Corey Laffoon. First, when asked by Dave what the father of her 7-year-old son Homer was up to, she calls him a "lazy ass" and then mocks him for wanting to coach boy's soccer, (the nerve of that guy!) complains about the fact that he's still in her life despite the fact that they do have a child together and then tells Dave that his "job" is opening the mailbox to "get checks from Anne!"

All in all, mission accomplished, I guess, because she does really make him out to look like a pretty big ass. I mean, any guy who would actually put a baby in this crazed harpy deserves what the fuck ever is coming to them. You know Ellen DeGeneres is watching this clip, just thanking the sweet lord she wasn't born with a penis.

It's No Whining Wednesday, so here's the trailer for Zombieland and the poster for Whip It! (Pajiba)

Remember all that shit that got stolen from Lindsay Lohan's place? Well, one of those things might have been a sex tape. If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom clawing my eyes out. (Yeeeah!)

And so it was foretold: The kids from Jon & Kate have literally started revolting against the crew. Once again, SOMEONE CALL CHILD SERVICES. (The Blemish)

Either this is America Ferrera on Ugly Betty in a giant weiner costume, or Michael Lucas' walk-on role involves him taking off his pants. (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox has reportedly signed on to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Feel free to leave your own pussy jokes in the comments. (Celebitchy)

Just when you thought she was dead (YAY!) Carrie Prejean may be signing on for the next season of Celebrity Apprentice (CRAP). (Celebslam)

The less annoying douche from Fall Out Boy got arrested for driving without a license. Let this be a lesson, emos: Drivers Licenses = Good thing! (HollyWire)

Here's Rihanna going out to dinner while her scumbag of an ex-boyfriend gets sentenced. Karma's a bitch, ain't it? HA! (CelebSmack)

You know, I really don't ever get tired of posting pictures of Mila Kunis. I just think she's awesome, really. (usemycomputer)

YOWZA, that guy from True Blood has got one helluva six-pack, doesn't he? (popbytes)

Britney Spears has taken to calling K. Fed "Keven Fatterline". Altogether now: HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Celeb Jihad)

Now that Paris Hilton is back together with Doug Reinhardt, she has apparently made it her mission to make his life a living hell. Before heading up to Vancouver to film an episode of my beloved "Supernatural," which -- I'm not sure how I feel about -- she plastered Doug's mansion with photos of herself.

Says a superclose amigo to Hilton: Before jet-setting to Vancouver, Paris had her team pay a visit to D.R.'s house, bringing over life-size photos of herself to hang throughout the mansion. And we don't exactly think she got Dougie's permission! Talk about an extreme home makeover.

Certainly not entirely self-minded, P.H. managed to frame a few pictures of the two of them as well, hamming it up for the camera in all sorts of ridiculous kissy-kissy poses. P's crew hung them all over chez Reinhardt for all houseguests to gawk at—or laugh at, depending what reaction you usually emit while staring at pics of Paris. (Source)

I can't even imagine what horrible thing that poor sucker could have done to deserve having his house covered with pictures of Paris Hilton. Since I'm pretty sure the Hiltons are all still alive, I know he didn't murder her entire family and rape their corpses. So other than that, I got nothin'.

Venereal and Disease on vacation in Fiji earlier this month:

Because it's a terribly slow news day and I've got nothing else to report on, here are some more pictures of Heidi and Spencer at the Bahamas earlier this week. Because you didn't really think they'd leave us hanging with only one ridiculously staged beach photoshoot, did you? I mean, we had to find out what happened. Did Spencer cry when Heidi accidentally kicked sand into his face? Did it ever make it to the end of the Playboy? Did Heidi ever figure out how to get her ass out of the air? (Spoiler alert: No.) These kind of burning questions need answers!

Kendra Wilkinson and Kourtney Kardashian, who are both pregnant right now with babies they're basically only having to boost ratings on their respective reality shows, gave a joint interview to Us Weekly about breast feeding with implants. Because why the fuck wouldn't they?

"I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, I can breast-feed?" Wilkinson, 24, tells Us Weekly in an exclusive joint interview with Kardashian, 30. "And I asked my doctor, who said, 'That's fine, but it's not milk yet!'"

Adds Kardashian (who, like Wilkinson, is also due in December), "They say usually you can [breast-feed with implants]. I want to." (Source)

I guess for the modern woman, breast-feeding with implants is a major pregnancy concern. Right behind whether or not rhinestone-encrusted onesies are a choking hazard and if unattended infants lounging too close to the pool can breathe underwater. No wait, that last one is probably only Kendra and Kourtney.

More of Kourtney and her Baby Daddy milking it up with a lame photoshoot: (Because now it's Kourtney's time to shine!)

Chris Brown was finally sentenced yesterday for the violent beating of Rihanna, picking up five years probation and 180 days of community service washing cars and cleaning up graffiti. In light of the sentencing, it's also come to the surface that he had brushes with violence prior to the attack in February.

The first incident allegedly occurred in Europe three months earlier when Brown and Rihanna were in a "verbal dispute." She slapped him, and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall, the report stated.

Just three weeks before his February arrest for beating and threatening his ex-girlfriend after the Grammy Awards, the former couple was in Rihanna's native Barbados. While driving, they had an argument. According to the report, Brown got out and broke both the driver's and front passenger side windows. No one was injured, and the incident was not reported to authorities. (Source)

I have no idea if these previous incidents were permissible in court to have an affect on the judge's ruling, but I at least hope she was able to tack on another year of probation for having that retarded zig-zag shaved into his head. G-A-Y.

Here's a guide to The 12 Most Life-Affirming Films Ever. Have a good day, y'all! (Pajiba)

Awww, Miley Cyrus got her nose pierced! Maybe later she'll go listen to some Destiny's Child and watch Bring it On! (Yeeeah!)

Now that Megan Wants a Millionaire is cancelled, looks like Paula Abdul is stepping in to fill the void of crazy. (The Blemish)

Eli Roth (AKA The Bear Jew) is gonna be playing with something long and phallic for PETA. There was a lot of gay in that last sentence. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh thank you GOD, a model with meat on her bones. See? You don't have to starve yourself to be hot, assholes! (Celebitchy)

Oh please please PLEASE don't let Demi Lovato leak naked pictures of herself... (Celeb Jihad)

Oh Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, please stop your hotness already. You're making the rest of us look bad. (BricksAndStones)

Whedonites rejoice: Dollhouse is back, motherfuckers! (Agent Bedhead)

How cute, Jon Gosselin is selling Lemonade for charity. Know what would work even better? If you donated all the money you made exploiting your children instead, asshole. (POTP)

No, seriously, what the hell is up with Katy Perry's forehead? That thing is HUGE. (Superior Gossip)

In light of the break-in which occurred at her home over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan's neighbors have revealed that living near her isn't the constant party you'd think it would be. In fact, most of them don't like living near her at all. Can you imagine such a thing?

"The truth is that this is a very quiet neighborhood and there have been no break-ins apart from at Lindsay Lohan's house," a neighbor confessed. "Since she moved in last November it has been a nightmare with all the paparazzi parking in our driveways waiting for her."

This is the second time Lohan, who is currently filming Robert Rodriguez' film "The Machete," has had her rented home burglarized. (Source)

On one hand, I can definitely see the frustration Lindsay Lohan's neighbors must be feeling. On the other hand, she is a human being and deserves a place to live -- and it's not really her fault that her home gets broken into and stalked by paparazzi. So really, I think the only solution here would be to put Lindsay Lohan on a rocket and send her to go live on the sun. I hear the sun is lovely this time of year.

More of Lindsay and her retardo-plumped lips:

When I was watching Heidi Montag's sad sack performance at the Miss Universe Pageant yesterday, I noticed something felt a bit familiar. Luckily "The Hills" cast member Kristen Cavallari helpfully pointed out the reason why.

"I was really impressed," the Hills star told Usmagazine.com at a Nylon magazine party in West Hollywood Monday night. "It reminded me of Britney Spears at the VMAs -- whatever year that was -- when she ripped off her suit and was, like, nude with sparkles. She kind of looked like that."

Spears stripped down to a sparkly nude suit at the 2000 MTV VMAs for her performance of "Oops, I Did It Again." Montag -- who has said she wants to have a similar career as the singer -- showed off a sequin bra and matching nude pants for "Body Language." (Source)

The reason why it probably reminded her of it is because Heidi's performance basically copied off of Britney's to a T. No really, click here to see it, it's practically the same thing. Well, except for the fact that Britney's outfit looks like it was professionally tailored by a costume designer and Heidi's looks like it came from the DEB shop, not to mention Britney could actually sing and dance back then, and Heidi can do neither of those things. So in that respect, I guess what Heidi really copied off of was Britney's sluggish, dead-eyed 2007 VMA performance. For shame, Heidi. For shame.

Frick and Frack sighting at LAX yesterday:

The security technology company McAfee Inc. put out a report which states that Jessica Biel is currently the most dangerous web search on the internet, and that searches for her are more likely to lead to threats such as spyware and viruses than any other celebrity.

McAfee said fans searching for the actress have a one-in-five chance of ending up at a Web site designed to damage one's computer. Its the third annual report on the subject from McAfee, which last year found that Brad Pitt was the "most dangerous" celeb online. '

"Cybercriminals are star watchers, too," said Jeff Green, senior vice president of McAfee's product development. "They latch onto popular celebrities to encourage the download of malicious software in disguise." (Source)

So Jessica Biel gives you a one-in-five chance at cyber herpes. Why Jessica Biel, instead of say, Paris Hilton? It's like the concepts of irony and symmetry are just completely lost on these cybercriminals.

At Letterman promoting Powder Blue (above) on June 3rd:

Holy Shit! Ryan Gosling has his own music project and it's FUCKING AWESOME! (Pajiba)

I love you Helena Bonham Carter, but please don't wear swimsuits. Ever. (Yeeeah!)

Oh look, Jennifer Aniston is banging Gerard Butler. Hooray! You now have a boyfriend to validate your existence! (The Blemish)

What the fuck? Dogs dressed as people? See what you have wrought, PETA?! (Seriously? OMG!)

In a move that will spring tents across the land, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman or gonna be lezzing out in an upcoming movie. (Celebitchy)

Whooooooa, Taylor Swift's arms are fucking LONG. Seriously, that's some Stretch Armstrong shit right there. (Celebslam)

Hey, you know that guy from Hung? Well, now you too can see his junk! (omg blog)

Ashlee Simpson is both an angry drunk AND weirdly skinny. Go eat a delicious sammich already! (CelebSmack)

Here's your favourite bad movie spoiler ever, Rachel McAdams! (usemycomputer)

A behind the scenes interview from The Dark Knight? Well who doesn't like The Dark Knight! (Celeb Jihad)

Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz are fucking now? *Barf* (Allie is Wired)

Mickey Rourke and Mickey Rourke's balls are on vacation in Croatia, and here they are! I know. I know what you're thinking. First Heidi Montag's vagina and now Mickey Rourke's balls? How did you get to be so lucky? No need to thank me. Your smiling, joyful faces are all the thanks I need.

I was just going to update my Miss Universe Pageant post with these photos of Heidi and Spencer whoring around on the beach down in the Bahamas, but I decided that this ridiculousness really needed its own post, even if it meant giving them two posts in a row. I'm pretty sure this money shot here is infinitely more revealing than anything from her stupid boring Playboy photoshoot. What I have to wonder is, just who is this poor photographer that gets paid to follow them around and take pictures of Heidi's vagina and Spencer's nipples and why haven't they appeared on Mike Rowe's "Dirty Jobs" yet? It would make the guy who has to maintain the river of shit feel better about himself anyway.

Don't miss below: Spencer waving around Heidi's Playboy while wearing a T-shirt with a picture of the Playboy on it. It's so meta I can hardly fucking stand it. (Heidi: "What's a meta?")

Heidi Montag lip-synced her shitty, overproduced song at the Miss Universe Pageant last night, and it sucked, because of course it did. Which is also probably why 25 seconds into the broadcast they cut away to introducing shots of the contestants. So when you hear people cheering over top of the music, they're actually cheering for contestants and not Heidi. Because no one would ever cheer for Heidi, since she can't sing, she can't dance, and pretty much is a disappointment in every sense of the word. Yet here we are, actually talking about a Miss Universe Pageant. I don't ever remember that happening before. I guess you really can attract more flies with shit than with honey.

The saga is finally over for accused murderer Ryan Jenkins. As an extensive manhunt was underway, the reality TV star slash stripper-wife murderer was found dead late yesterday in a motel room in Canada.

It appears Ryan Jenkins "took his own life," Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sgt. Duncan Pound told the Vancouver Sun.

He was found hanging inside his room at the Thunderbird Motel in Hope, British Columbia, a spokeswoman for the California District Attorney's office told the Sun.

"The hotel staff had gone in to check on him... it would be speculation to say how long he had been in there," Pound said at a press conference Sunday evening. (Source)

Talk about jumping the gun. I don't know what Jenkins was so worried about. The guy was supposedly a millionaire, and everyone knows millionaires don't go to prison in America. Maybe next time he should pick up a copy of OJ's book before attempting this sort of endeavor. Oh wait... Nevermind.

If you only see one movie all year written by Bobcat Goldthwait and starring Robin Williams, make it this one. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan's lips are so plumped up, she can literally hang clothes on them. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's Jennifer Aniston for the September Elle magazine. (usemycomputer)

Remember Miley Cyrus' best friend Mandy? Turns out she's a drunken whore. Go figure. (Celeb Jihad)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are buying gerbils ... For the kids. Right. (Yeeeah!)

Michael Jackson's burial is delayed again. Jeez, he's gotta stink by now. (The Blemish)

Now that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are both free of spouses, they're publicly flaunting their love. (Celebitchy)

Alicia Silverstone is a hippie who likes to go around naked all the time. (Celebslam)

Oh hey, here's some Playboy pictures of that dead girl. (CelebSmack)

Brad Pitt was interviewed about Inglorious Basterds by a German magazine, and apparently he thinks so highly of it that no other Nazi movies ever need to be made again, because it is that good. Now, I'm sure Basterds, which opens today, is without a doubt going to be amazing -- but still, kind of an assy thing to say. I'll forgive him though, because in the same interview he also makes a potshot at Tom Cruise. Hee!

"The second World War could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin [Tarantino, director] put a cover on that pot. With Basterds, everything than can be said to this genre has been said," Pitt tells the German magazine Stern. "The film destroys every symbol. The work is done, end of story."

As for another WWII Hitler assassination movie with a famous Hollywood star, he says there is no comparison. When the Stern reporter mentioned Tom Cruise's recent turn in a film about a real plot to kill Hitler, Pitt simply said, "It was a ridiculous movie." (Source)

It's a shame the interviewer, while he was at it, didn't ask Brad what he thought about other high-profile celebrity babies, such as ... Oh, Suri Cruise for example. Brad would have surely scoffed and said that while Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox were all carved by the gods from gold and precious gems, Suri Cruise was probably carved from much more inferior material, like marble for instance.

Brad Pitt dressed as Colonial Sanders at the Time Traveler's Wife premiere:

In Lady Gaga's latest totally assy cry for attention, she showed up at London's Heathrow airport wearing some sort of biker-dominatrix-punk rock get-up, complete with brand new vampire fangs. Sure, give the terrorists ideas. You're not allowed to bring a box knife or bottle of water on a plane, but apparently if you turn yourself into a vampire that's perfectly A-fucking-OK. So when the skies are terrorized by this new strain of no-pants-wearing Radical Islamic-Vampire hybrids, we'll all have Lady Gaga to thank.

Billy Ray Cyrus has finally responded to the controversy which erupted after his sixteen-year-old daughter danced on a stripper pole at an awards show marketed towards children and teens. Long story short, he's cool with it. Because of course he fucking is.

"You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people," he tells Access Hollywood at Thursday's Hellman's/Facebook Feeding American Event in NYC.

"I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion," he says. "I give my kids a lot of freedom to make the art they wanna make, and make it in their own voice. I think it's important," Billy tells Us at the same event. (Source)

Huh. I never knew that workin' the pole was considered to be "the art." And here's this whole time I thought the reason why so many former art students ended up on them was because an art school degree is worth about as much as a roll of toilet paper dipped in acrylic paint.

More of Daddy Soul Patch at that mayonnaise thing:

The Millionaire Murderer, Ryan Jenkins, who was previously "a person of interest" in the murder investigation of Jasmine Fiore, has been upgraded to "murder suspect" and is considered to be armed and dangerous. I guess fleeing the country doesn't usually play up to your innocence.

He said Jenkins -- who is considered "armed and dangerous" -- may have escaped to his native Canada on foot after the nude body of his ex-wife, Jasmine Fiore, 28, was found stuffed into a suitcase in a Buena Park, Calif., trash bin over the weekend.

It was also revealed that her teeth and fingers had been removed. "Ryan Jenkins is an animal," said Robert Hasman, a former boyfriend of Fiore's, who attended the conference with other relatives. "What he has done to Jasmine is unspeakable." (Source)

Holy effing crap. It takes a special kind of murderous asshole to get all chokey on a stripper and shove her into a suitcase, but the mutilating the corpse part is like some serious serial killer shit. Does VH1 do like, any kind of background checks or psychological testing on these people? The fact that one of your reality show contestants may be a serial killer seems about as difficult to miss as full body herpes. Which coincidentally, is also not rare for potential VH1 reality contestants.

The late Miss Fiore:

Here are the 11 Oldest Actors to Play Teenagers. All I can say is, my younger brother and his girlfriend are sixteen, and they don't look ANYTHING like Charisma Carpenter. (Pajiba)

Oh, how charming...Jon Gosselin tried to bone the babysitter in front of his kids. Would someone please take those children away from that man? (Yeeeah!)

Yeah, that guy from Megan Wants a Millionaire who got all stabby? He fled the country. That's not indicative of anything AT ALL. (The Blemish)

As a favor to Stacey, here are some bloopers from the fourth season of Supernatural. Jensalecki: Get some! (Seriously? OMG!)

Looks like Paris Hilton isn't engaged after all! Like my mother always said, why buy the cow when you can get the herpes for free? (BricksAndStones)

Oh Lady Gaga...There is a time and a place to show off your ass to everyone. In the middle of an airport is really not one of them. (Agent Bedhead)

Remember how Claire Danes banged Billy Crudup when his girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker, was seven months pregnant? Well, now she believes in monogamy. Suuuuure. (Celebitchy)

Ugh, looks like they found naked pics of Jackie O while they were going through Andy Warhol's shit. Did they not have bikini waxing back then? (Celeb Jihad)

It's official: Absolutely NO ONE wants to employ Lindsay Lohan. Literally. Not a single fucking person. (POTP)

Oh, Audrina Patridge...you're just a class act, aren't you? And by "class", I mean "drunken". And by "act", I mean "keeze". (Superior Gossip)

Since that guy from "Megan Wants a Millionaire" probably murdered that girl, stuffed her into a suitcase and fled to Canada, VH1 is thinking better about airing the rest of the series. What's worse, Ryan Jenkins also appears on what was to be the next season of"I Love Money" of which has completed taping and he also supposedly won. VH1's official statement:

Ryan Jenkins was a contestant on Megan Wants A Millionaire, an outside production, produced and owned by 51 Minds, that is licensed to VH1. The show completed production at the end of March. Given the unfortunate circumstances, VH1 has postponed any future airings. This is a tragic situation and our thoughts go out to the victim’s family. (Source)

I love how they blame it on the production company. Well the production company isn't the one who is going to have to air reruns of "I Love the 80's" now that their programming schedule is completely fucked. Next time they should just to the smart thing and film a reality show about my personal favorite VH1 Celebreality star, Pumkin. [sic] They could call it something like "Pumkin Loves Cheesecake." Because Double Fudge Oreo Cheesecake never hurt anybody.

In "News Which is Probably Completely Speculated and Made Up" news, Jennifer Aniston supposedly feels totally screwed over by Bradley Cooper, who briefly dated her only to go running off to Spain with another boring-as-fuck actress, Renee Zellweger.

"She wanted to turn her date with Cooper into something...she honestly feels screwed over," a pal tells Us of Aniston, who dined at NYC eatery Il Cantinori on June 18 with her He's Just Not That Into You costar -- a few weeks before he began dating Zellweger.

Aniston "doesn't see what Renee has that she doesn't," continues the pal. (Source)

What does Renee Zellweger have that Jennifer Aniston doesn't? You mean besides a face that froze that time she sucked on a lemon, almost completely transparent skin and jutting clavicles which could cut glass more efficiently than diamonds? Well, an almost definitely gay boyfriend, for starters. I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

Clavicle Power at the premiere of My One and Only in New York earlier this week:

Katy Perry has for some reason given her two cents on rumors going around that Lady Gaga is really a hermaphrodite, mostly thanks to that video taken at one of her concerts which shows something that overwhelmingly looks like a penis sticking out of her skirt. Sure, why not.

The singer has since slammed the rumors as "ridiculous", but Perry is convinced Lady Gaga purposefully made it look like she had a bulge in order to garner more publicity.

Perry has reportedly told Britain's Mirror newspaper, "It's all very calculated. She knows what she's doing. She put something in her knickers, a mini strap-on (sex toy). Bless her if she does have a d**k, but I am certain she doesn't." (Source)

You just know Katy Perry has got to be kicking herself right now. Way to play up the bisexual angle, like any drunk coed in a bar can't do that for attention. Here this whole time she could have been faking she had a penis. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Oh well, maybe she can just cut her losses and say she was born with a tail or something.

Katy Perry performing in Miami earlier this month (with props, awesome!):

Courtney Love posted these photos of herself on her twitter page lying in bed with a turtle on her head. Hey, that totally rhymed! So now what rhymes with "salmonella disease?" Because, fun fact! That's what turtles carry. Although if you think about it I guess there are probably worse things Courtney Love has caught in bed with someone.

Heidi and Spencer are currently down in the Bahamas for the Miss Universe Pageant, which, as I mentioned before, Heidi is inexplicably scheduled to perform at. So now the good people of the Miss Universe pageant are learning the hard way why you don't ever work with Heidi and Spencer.

She's scheduled to perform at the Miss Universe Pageant at the Atlantis Paradise Island resort in the Bahamas Sunday night, but an insider told Page Six, "They're a complete nightmare. Heidi has missed many rehearsals" while "Spencer tried to demand that the hotel pay him to lay by the pool" after he and Heidi were comped on the cabanas. "The Atlantis laughed in his face," our snitch reports. (Source)

My favorite part was the part when they laughed in his face. The only way anyone would pay Spencer Pratt to lay by a pool is if it were filled with deadly, man-eating sharks which shot lasers out of their eyes. And then -- bonus! -- due to completely foreseen circumstances, you'd probably end up getting to keep the money after all. Win-win!

Shit For Brains actually seen rehearsing:

Here they are, The 50 Funniest Scenes in the History of Film. I suggest you take a quick pee break before you read this, lest you piss yourself laughing. (Pajiba)

Kanye's Max Headroom-looking ex-girlfriend topless in a thong? Oh yeah, I needed to see that. (Yeeeah!)

Brooke Hogan had to back out of a performance because she couldn't keep her gigantic schlong tucked in for, like, five fucking minutes. (The Blemish)

Joe Jonas? On American Idol? No, okay? NO. FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY. I AM FUCKING SICK OF COVERING AMERICAN IDOL. Also, Joe Jonas is a huge gay. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jay-Z and Oprah are super besties! I bet they stay up all night doing each other's hair and talking about boys... (Celebitchy)

Because the premiere of Inglourious Basterds simply didn't have enough beautiful people, here's Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi looking absolutely gorgeous. (Celebslam)

Because Mandy Moore is totally super cute, here she is promoting Red Bull Energy Douche. Where can I pick up a four-pack of this shit. (HollyWire)

I haven't bothered watching Big Brother, but oh my GOD, this Chima girl looks like she got whacked in the face with a frying pan full of red-hot ugly sauce. (CelebSmack)

Here is Kat Dennings and her huge boobs looking fucking adorable at the premiere of some shitty kids movie. (usemycomputer)

Whoa, goddamn! Nick Adams has two tickets to the GUN SHOW MOTHAH FUCKAHS!(popbytes)

Here's the trailer for the best movie that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever, James Cameron's Avatar. (Celeb Jihad)

Right now VH1 is currently airing "Megan Wants a Millionaire," in which Megan Hauserman of the "Rock of Love," "I Love Money," and "Charm School" series, respectively, purportedly looks for love with a bunch of tacky pseudo-millionaires. Funny story, one of them, finalist Ryan Alexander Jenkins, is now the leading suspect in a murder investigation. I guess this means he won't be making it to the reunion show?

A reality TV contestant became a true crime suspect Wednesday when cops announced they were searching for him in connection with the grisly murder of a Playboy bunny. Jasmine Fiore's body was found stuffed inside a suitcase that was dumped inside a Los Angeles-area trash bin and the last person she'd been seen with was 32-year-old Ryan Alexander Jenkins, police said.

And it was Jenkins, a contestant on the VH1 reality show "Megan Wants a Millionaire," who reported her missing on Saturday night, cops said. Jenkins split after making that call. He was believed to have slapped the license plate from his BMW on Fiore's 2007 white Mercedes before heading north for Canada, where he's from, police said. (Source)

So if anyone out there is actually still wondering what kind of person actually goes on reality dating shows, the answer is obviously: "BMW enthusiasts." Yowza, jackpot! Where do I sign up for the next season of "The Bachelor?"

Because I love her sassy, murderer-banging ass, Megan Hauserman at the launch of Pink Sugar Mondays at Rhumbar:

Mariah Carey is giving the Grammy Awards a big EFF YOU this year and pulling a Heigl by taking her new album, "Memiors of an Imperfect Angel" out of contention for this year's awards show. Of course, it wouldn't really be a Heigl unless she stated that it was because her music producer and record label "didn't give her enough to work with."

The songbird, who has won a mere five awards out of 21 nominations since 1991, is officially taking herself out of the running this year. She'll release her album "Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel" on Sept. 29, missing the Grammy cutoff date by just one day.

"Mariah's been shafted so many times before that it's like a big 'Kiss my butt' to the Grammy folks," says a music industry insider. "She doesn't need the awards, because her career is already so successful." (Source)

You better believe Mariah Carey is successful. How many pop stars actually have their very own personal manservants who follow them around and carry their purses and take care of them 24 hours a day? No wait, I forgot, that's still just Nick Cannon. Zing!

Mariah and Manservant Husband at the Fresh Air Fund Salute To American Heroes in June:

Heidi Montag appeared on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday to discuss her lame-as-shit Playboy spread which consisted of almost zero nudity whatsoever, which is pretty much the entire point of posing for Playboy.

"Always leave them asking for more," she said on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. "Next time, I'll have more to reveal." Asked if she has a two- or three-part Playboy deal, she coyly replied, "Maybe." (Source)

"Always leave them asking more" would be fantastic logic if it didn't pertain to something people didn't ask for in the first place, but yet somehow still ended up being spectacularly disappointed with, anyway. You know what else was kind of a letdown the first time around? Avian flu. When's that coming back?

Last night Britney Spears appeared on "The Late Show With David Letterman" to read the top ten list of "Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President." She kind of seems unhinged the whole time, twitching and shifting around a lot, and Dave makes a couple cracks about it because apparently no one told him that's what people do when they're crazy. Although I do applaud her ability to read and recite words like "coherent" and "fiscal." But I don't know. I guess if it came down to it, I'd probably rather take my chances with Paris Hilton for president. Sure, she's spoiled and slutty, but we already had one retarded hillbilly in office and look how that turned out.

More of Britney and her like three-year-old kid who still sucks a pacifier at the Ritz-Carlton:

Here's the trailer for New Moon, because God hates you. (Pajiba)

HOLY FUCKING FUCK, Britney Spears wore ANOTHER BIKINI! Today she's wearing PURPLE! What a TWIST! (Yeeeah!)

It's official: Literally EVERYONE hates Gwyneth Paltrow and her stupid GOOP-ey face. (The Blemish)

WHOOOOOOOOA, when did Steven Tyler go from "Washed-Up Rocker" to "Your Cracked-Put Granny"? (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna said that Jesus Luz is "The love of her life", which is saying a lot considering she's seen more celebrity cock then a Hollywood Urologist. Oh, I kid, I kid. (Celebitchy)

Here are four words I wished I would never say on this site: Naomi. Campbell. Upskirt. Shot. MY EYES! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!! (Celeb Jihad)

Kim Kardashian is set to appear on an episode of a TV show you'll never watch or hear anything about. It's still a step up from Disaster Movie, though. (BricksAndStones)

Katy Perry apparently got her massive bazoongas by praying to God. So next time you wonder where God is when little kids are dying in Sri Lanka, he was off giving some bimbo huge tits. (Agent Bedhead)

Eric Dane may have the world's most boring three-way sex tape, but he is pretty, isn't he? (POTP)

Nothing to see here folks, just Jaime Pressly getting massively wasted and peeing on the sidewalk. Move it along. (Superior Gossip)

Patricia Heaton, of that horrible fucking "Raymond" show, went on "Celebrity Millionaire" last night to answer one question to win $25,000 for her charity, some third world country thing. First she makes an assy comment about how people from the midwest (like herself) are "nicer and smarter" than everyone else in the country, and then proceeded to make a staggering failure of herself when presented with a simple child's math problem. She called her husband as a lifeline to help her with the question, "if Euros are worth $1.50, what are five Euros worth?" because he's European. She actually said that. That's like asking the help of a Chinese person to answer the math problem: "If you have five fortune cookies and eat two, how many are left?" That Chinese person would probably laugh at you for being an idiot because fortune cookies aren't even really from China anyway.

Robin Wright Penn has filed for divorce, just months after her husband Sean Penn filed for divorce and then changed his mind about it. What are they, on like, their third or fourth attempt at divorcing each other at this point? Bottom line: They totally suck at divorce.

Together since 1989 and married in 1996, the couple endured a roller-coaster relationship, filing papers to initiate divorce not once, but twice - only to patch things up again as recently as May.

In an interview released Monday, the actress told More magazine that she had no plans to reconcile with her husband. "I hit that crossroad a while ago," she said. "I know what I don't want."
 (Source)

Jesus. These two seem like the most indecisive people ever. I bet they're a real delight to be behind in line at the gelato stand, too. There wouldn't be enough tiny plastic spoons on the face of this Earth to help them decide that, yeah, I guess they did want to go with the chocolate after all.

Madonna is celebrating her 51st birthday in Portofino, Italy this week with her daughter Lourdes, adopted Malawian children David Banda and Mercy James, and adopted son who she bangs, Jesus Luz. Here she is going for a swim off the coast wearing a personalized basketball jersey, like most women her age do when they swim. I totally missed the episode of "Mr. Wizard" where they determined whether or not gristle is heavier than water, so I'm just going to have to assume this story had a happy ending.

Lindsay Lohan attended an Inglorious Basterds screening in New York City last night sporting a brand new pair of freshly plumped lips. And just like that, totally improved. Kind of like adding a shiny new spoiler onto a 1989 Honda Civic. Although to be fair, most 1989 Honda Civics have seen considerably less wear-and-tear than Lindsay Lohan.

Married couple Eric "Dr. McSteamy" Dane and Rebecca "Noxema Commercials" Gayheart are covered in some shit that hit the fan late yesterday, and I don't even really know where to start. A risque tape of them surfaced (which can be seen here, NSFW obvs.) "cavorting" naked with former Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche, who was most famously seen on VH1's "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew." It's not so much a sex tape though in that any sex of any kind is involved whatsoever.

Marty Singer, the couple's rep, told TMZ.com that he will sue anyone who publishes the "private, confidential tape," adding that "from what I've seen, it's a naked tape, not a sex tape."

The married couple and Peniche pass around the camera at the 25-year-old ex-beauty queen's apartment. In the clip, they appear intoxicated as they take a bath in a jacuzzi tub and lay around naked in bed while discussing their porn names.

"My alter-ego name is Peter," Dane, 36, said, adding, "my dog growing up was called Cocaine, and I lived on Manor Drive, so I'm Cocaine Manor." At one point, Gayheart, 38, says she has to lie down because she's "so high." (Source)

So basically, nothing happens. It's a sex tape about nothing. Like, it is literally the "Seinfeld" of sex tapes. I mean, if you're going to throw your career away over an explicit tape like that, there should at least be some kind of penetration or something. Either that or yelling a bunch of horrific racial slurs at an entire audience full of people.

Rebecca Gayheart at the 20th Annual GLAAD Media Awards in April:

The best part about Vanessa Hudgens' new movie Bandslam? Eventually, it ends. Also, Dustin apparently wants Prisco to kill himself. (Pajiba)

The cast for the next season of Dancing With The Stars has been released, and once again, the standards for "Star" have gone down further. (Yeeeah!)

Brad Pitt gave up weed for his children, presumably because that shit isn't strong enough for six kids. (The Blemish)

Oh joy, yet ANOTHER washed-up popstar is trying to get it on American Idol. How many are we at now? (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Gardner took her daughter to Starbucks in her pajamas. So...much...cute...Can't look away! (Celebitchy)

Mark Whalberg almost died from a smoke machine on the set of his new movie. Is that what they're calling Katherine Heigl these days? (Sorry guys, it was just too easy!) (Celebslam)

Antony & The Johnsons covered Beyonce's Crazy In Love, marking the first time a Beyonce song has been even remotely listenable. (omg blog)

Speaking of Beyonce, WHOOOOOOOA that is some unflattering hair. I mean just, YIKES. (CelebSmack)

Because I simply adore Mila Kunis, here she is in Details Magazine. (usemycomputer)

HA! Garfield's slutty girlfriend totally got caught with coke. Everyone point and laugh at her. (Celeb Jihad)

Jason Statham celebrated his 36th Birthday this weekend, probably by fucking a shark on a bed of broken flaming glass. STATHAM!!! YELL IT WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING! (Allie is Wired)

Spencer Pratt celebrated his birthday with a party at Cut in Los Angeles on Friday, and not even his super cool machine gun birthday cake could make him stop waving Heidi's Playboy cover all of the place. But I guess this is what every real man dreams of on his birthday: Guns and titties. Except that the gun is made out of sugar and eggs and flour and the titties are made of plastic and are still covered up really boringly. The moral of the story here? Spencer Pratt isn't a real man and we all know he would have probably rather spent his birthday sitting home drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."

Seriously?! One of these things took out the fucking Crocodile Hunter and now they're letting Paris Hilton and her dopey sunglasses get all up in their face and take pictures? For shame, stingrays. For shame. Consider your animal street cred effectively revoked.

Remember that time when Ashlee Simpson made a huge drunken spectacle of herself and tried to pick a fight with Michelle Trachtenberg in public? Well, she's pulling that shit again. At the first anniversary party for Pete Wentz's Chicago bar, Angels & Demons on Saturday, she picked a fight with him and told him to leave in front of everyone. At his own bar.

A source tells celebrity blogger Perez Hilton that Ashlee "came up completely wasted and yells at him to leave. They fought, she told him he was horrible in front of a whole group of people and made him leave his own party early. So they make a scene and leave the bar."

The report also alleges the star became irate when someone took a photo of her leaving the club and she demanded they delete the images. The stars security team then reportedly ushered them to a corner and got their driver to pick them up and leave. (Source)

You'd think this would all be very emasculating for Pete Wentz -- until you realize this is the same guy who parades around in girl jeans, eyeliner, and hoodies three sizes too small. The only way you could possibly emasculate a guy like that is to literally pull down his pants and show everybody his vagina.

Ashlee with Pete looking drunkedy drunk in NYC in June:

So, yeah. Alyssa Milano got married to some dude over the weekend, who isn't even rich or famous or anything. The wedding took place in New Jersey at the dude's parents' house. That sounds ... Magical.

The Charmed star, 36, walked down the aisle with her CAA agent boyfriend David Bugliari Saturday in New Jersey, Usmagazine.com has confirmed. The couple swapped vows at his parents' home. (Source)

I wish there was a way to embellish this story, like by saying there were elephants and trapeze artists there, or that the dude pulled off his dude mask and there was a Prince underneath and they flew away together on his flying carpet. So I guess I'll just sum it up by saying some dude won the wife lottery this weekend.

Samantha Micelli at her book signing in March:

Hey everyone! Guess who's back from a shoot in Toronto? Again?

Sure, X-Men Origins: Wolvering may have been shit, but the sequel might not totally suck balls! (Pajiba)

Another day, another celebrity taking half-assed naked pics in the bathroom. Back the fuck off my turf, Jamie Foxx! (Yeeeah!)

Clips from Paris Hilton's new album leaked, and I can honestly say, I have never heard anything worse than this shit. (The Blemish)

And in other bad music news, Mariah Carey's new album is being delayed again, which means you now have a little longer to live until the apocalypse. (Seriously? OMG!)

Sienna Miller's new boyfriend's name is Slink Wizard, which apparently means she picks her men about as well as she picks her scripts. (Celebitchy)

Kirstie Alley is slowly eating herself to death. Personally, I blame this on deep-fried twinkies. I don't care if they are delicious, those fuckers will straight up MURDER YOU. (Celebslam)

Oh shit, Michael Phelps got into a pretty serious car crash after a driver ran a red light. QUICK! Get him to a large body of water! (HollyWire)

Even when they're grabbing each other in public, Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are STILL the most boring couple ever. (CelebSmack)

Here's Mila Kunis (YAY!) at some promo thing for Family Guy (Not so yay). (usemycomputer)

Remember that time John Edwards cheated on his wife WHILE SHE HAD CANCER? Well, they had a kid together too. Keep it classy. (Celeb Jihad)

HA! Brooke Hogan's album tanked, so now she's trying to start a fight with Beyonce. Everyone point and laugh! (Allie is Wired)

Heidi Montag Pratt or whatever the hell she's calling herself now's Playboy spread has hit the internet like the limp noodle, or you know, something close to it. It's like, oh wow. Partial nudity. I can't see that anytime I want to. I guess the difference between the usual scantily clad Heidi Montag photos and these photos is that at least these are heavily airbrushed. Sure, that's great. Why don't you call me back when Photoshop invents an anti-stupiding filter.

At last weekend's Teen Choice Awards, Joe Jonas shocked fans after letting Mike Tyson supposedly give him a haircut onstage in front of thousands of people. But it turns out it was nothing but a clever ruse all along. Well played, Jonases. Well played.

Celebrities in the crowd, including comedian George Lopez, were captured on camera looking gob smacked - but Jonas reveals it was all a stunt. He says, "Thankfully it was a wig but he didn't cut too much, just a little hair. There were some classic faces out there (in the audience)." (Source)

You know who I bet is really going to think this is funny? All the 12-year-old girls who have spent the past five days burning their Jonas Brother CDs and merchandise with the fervor of a church in the Midwest that got its hands on an overstock of Harry Potter. Little girls have a really good sense of humor when it comes to stuff like that.

More of Joe Jonas making totally straight faces while getting his hair pretend-cut:

Jerry O'Connell, who's greatest accomplishments in life include being the fat kid in Stand By Me and knocking up a supermodel with twins, has reportedly enrolled in Southwestern Law School in Los Angeles.

Assistant Dean of Public Affairs Leslie Steinberg tells us that the first-year law student started night classes earlier this week, saying that he went through the regular admissions process and was accepted after submitting an undergraduate record, and after taking a law school admissions test.

Celeb status aside, Steinberg believes that O'Connell fits in just fine: "I get the feeling that he felt like one of the students at orientation and had a great time and is really diving in." (Source)

Well good for him, I guess. I hear law school is kind of like getting kicked in the nuts, repeatedly, for three years, but to each their own. I just hope his law school career doesn't end up like his television career, which would probably mean that the school would shut down and go out of business seven weeks into his first semester.

Rebecca Romjin and the cast of "Eastwick" at Comic-Con last month:

Oh hey, check out my review of Labor Pains for Pajiba. Spoiler alert: It sucked! (Pajiba)

Or if Labor Pains isn't enough fir you, check out Ron Jeremy's One-Eyed Monster. (Seriously? OMG!)

Today is Betty White day on the internet! Everyone rejoice! (Celeb Jihad)

Miscah Barton is finally back on set to the television show where she's inexplicably supposed to be playing a model. (Yeeeah!)

What baby fetus smoothies are Elle Macpherson drinking to make it that she doesn't age? (usemycomputer)

Ruh roh... Is there trouble in Cruisetown? (Celebitchy)

Aww, how cute. Julia Roberts niece Emma thinks she's somebody. (Celebslam)

I thought Anna Faris and Chris Pratt have been married for awhile now but apparently this is news all of a sudden. (HollyWire)

Kate Moss and Lily Allen are fantastic role models. (CelebSmack)

It turns out Kourtney Kardashian's pregnancy was planned all along. Just kidding! She forgot to take the pill. (The Blemish)

Because apparently things like food and shelter and clothing still cost money, Gary Coleman swallowed up the last of his pride and posed for this ad campaign for New York Fries 25th anniversary. They even got him to wear his little Watchoo Talkin' Bout Willis outfit and 1984 'fro and everything. The company's reasoning behind the campaign? New York Fries marketing manager Alyssa Berenstein:

Zig wanted to look at celebrities from the era of New York Fries’ birth “that are no longer all that relevant,” Berenstein said. (Source)

Wow. I wonder if they won him over with that alone or if they had to send him a fruit basket, too? Unless sperm banks finally start accepting midget sperm, I think this is might end up being the most degrading thing Gary Coleman will ever do for money.

At the Tribeca premiere Of "Midgets Vs. Mascots" in April:

Walking stick of beef jerky Denise Richards attended the alice + olivia dinner in Malibu last night, and if you're wondering what she's been doing on her downtime while not filming her reality show "Denise Richards: It's Complicated," the answer is clearly shitloads of tanning and botox. I'm pretty sure you still can't actually "catch" skin cancer from someone, but just to be on the safe side I wouldn't get too close to her.

Kourtney Kardashian, the little cute one who isn't Kim or the giant behemoth one who resembles Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend, has revealed that she's pregnant. But that's pretty much all she's revealing, because you have to wait 'til her show comes on.

Speaking with E! Tuesday, she refused to say if she and ex-boyfriend Scott Disick were back together.

"You're going to have to see on the show," she said, referring to her new reality show with sister 'Khloe, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,' which debuts Sunday. A source tells Us, "Their new show shows everything. She went nuts in Miami." (Source)

I've heard of having a baby for the wrong reasons -- like trying to save a marriage or trap your boyfriend or to farm organs to sell on the black market or what have you -- but having a baby to boost your ratings still pretty much seems like the worst reason to have a baby ever.

More with some of the other Kardashians at the Teen Choice Awards:

I thought Heidi Montag's pictorial spread in Playboy was bad enough, but I had no idea what other unforeseen horrors awaited me in the issue. In the interview part, however, the two go into great detail about their -- gag me with a spoon -- sex life. GROSS. Gross, gross, gross.

After chatting about their very public life together, the talk turns to the pair's sexual exploits, with Montag confessing she experiences 20 to 30 orgasms a day.

She says, "Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day." Pratt adds, "I never imagined in my whole life I would meet a female as sexual as you are. Most girls are usually just about themselves." Montag then comments, "It makes me happy to see you happy. Like when we do it in the car."

Her husband then recalls private plane sex on New Year's Eve, when "I initiated you into the Mile High Club," adding, "That was maybe the best experience I've ever had in my entire life... getting to fulfill the fantasy of all fantasies. The hardest part was, like, keeping quiet so the pilots wouldn't come back."

Pratt concludes, "I feel sorry for couples who aren't as sexually satisfied as we are." (Source)

As much as the mental imagery of all that makes me want to curl in the fetal position and cry, it's obviously all bullshit, because for one Spencer Pratt is gay. And also, if anyone were actually able to have 20-30 orgasms a day I'm pretty sure it would cause brain damage. And I think Heidi was just born that way.

More of their famewhoring at the G.I. Joe premiere:

In News That's Probably Really Embarrassing for Channing Tatum, Us Weekly has obtained a video of G.I. Joe star's "secret stripper past." Scandalous!!! Tatum worked for a "Chippendale's style revue" (read: strip club) in a troupe called Male Encounters (hee!) for about a year in 1999, under the name "Chan Crawford." Ha, I kind of love it that his fake stripper name was only two letters away from being the real name of that dude from "Gossip Girl."

Anyway, it's actually not even that scandalous at all because he doesn't even take his underpants off and you don't even see any peen or anything. Boring! I'd say the most embarrassing part of the whole thing is that he appears to be dancing to like 98 Degrees or N'Sync or some crap. Really? I guess they didn't have any respectable stripping music like Motley Crue or Van Halen back in 1999.

With wife Jenna Dewan at the G.I. Joe Los Angeles screening:

I've been saying this for weeks and nobody listens, but we're this close to a Crazy Britney Renaissance, if you will. Britney is seen here out shopping in Hollywood yesterday, where she just happened to illegally park her Mercedes SUV. Ill-fitting garment? Check. Smudged red lipstick? Check. Nappylicious hair? Check. Unrestrained breasts? Check. (And, a given.) And finally, spaced-out expression accentuated by poorly-applied eyeliner? Check and check. It's a really good thing that she spent the past year working on a grueling world tour instead of taking some down time to get healthy. I guess hindsight is actually 5150.

Oh, goody. Paris Hilton is at the beach so we get to look at her busted ass in a bikini. (The Blemish)

Mitch Hurwitz and Will Arnett are teaming up again, but no one can even get excited for it. (Pajiba)

Jamie Pressley pees like the hobos do.  (Yeeeah!)

Joe Jonas got his fruity mop of hair cut off onstage. (Seriously? OMG!)

What a surprise, the spawn of Britney and Kevin have mouths like truckers. (Celebitchy)

Joaquin wants to be a superhero now? To be fair, he wasn't a very good rapper. (Celeb Jihad)

Kim Kardashian's hair is now the same color as her skin. (BricksAndStones)

Tara Reid somehow scored herself an honest to goodness acting gig. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennifer Hudson and Punk from "I Love New York" had their kid. (POTP)

That Ashley Greene chick from Twilight is the latest idiot with nude photos. (Superior Gossip)

Remember when Lady Gaga wore that asinine outfit made out of Kermit the Frogs? Well, apparently she was making an "anti-fur statement" rather than an "anti-nonretarded outfit-wearing statement." So now of course PETA wants to recruit her to get naked for them since she meets their high standrads of not wearing fur and the willingness to get naked.

She explained the all-green fashion item was a "commentary on not wearing fur." Gaga added, "I hate fur and I don't wear fur."

Now, PETA bosses want her to team with them to get her message across - and they've asked her to wear nothing but "a few playing cards" as part of the organization's ongoing "Rather Go Naked than Wear Fur" ad campaign. (Source)

They might need more than a "few" cards if the rumors of her packing heat are true. Just to be on the safe side, they should just cover her entire body up in cards. Especially the face part. The ad should really just be cards, with an asterisked note on the bottom that says that Lady Gaga really is naked under all those cards, you'll just have to take their word for it. Hmm... There's still the imagination though. This plan clearly needs more work.

Lady Gaga wearing a nude bodysuit which is more than enough for me:

Dane Cook was censored from last night's airing of the Teen Choice Awards for his above "joke" where he called out Vanessa Hudgens, saying: "Girl, you gots to keep your clothes on!," pausing to look really, really proud of himself, and then: "Phones are for phone calls, girl!" Yeah, for some reason they had the nerve to actually cut that.

After the show on Sunday, Cook told Access Hollywood that the joke was a late addition to his bit. "That's the best part about being a comic when you go, 'Maybe I can say the thing that everybody is kind of feeling and nobody [is saying].' The elephant in the room moment. So, I'll take it, I'll take the hit. It's okay." (Source)

Wow, so the best part about being a comic is making a really obvious joke in a funny voice to an audience for whom the subject matter is largely inappropriate? I'll have to remember that for my Grandma's 90th birthday party. I don't think they've heard the one about "old people are gonna die soon" yet. Not in a sassy urban accent, anyway!

More of Topless McGruff at the Teen Choice red carpet:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt attended the Hollywood premiere of Inglorious Basterds last night, and Angelina looks like she's starting to enter cadaver territory again. Or maybe not "starting to enter" so much as "is still in." Usually when someone's head is the thickest part by circumference of their entire body it means they're either a skeleton or a cartoon character. But since skeletons don't have hair and cartoons don't exist I guess Angelina Jolie is still just an anomaly of science. I really like her dress though. Neat pockets.

At Sunday's Teen Choice Awards, Miley Cyrus showed her 9-year-old sister Noah that she's not the only Cyrus girl who knows how to work a pole. I hope at least these two can appreciate the irony in all of this. You know, because obviously, if they didn't hit the genetic lottery of being the daughters of a kid-pimping celebrity, you're pretty much looking at what these butterface rednecks would actually have ended up doing for a living. Well that, and turning in beer cans for deposit. See? It's funny because it's true.

In one of her more entertaining publicity stunts, Kathy Griffin showed up to the Kid's Choice Awards last night on the arm of Levi Johnston. Get it? Because he knocked up the less-than-chaste daughter of the conservative, bible-thumping, nut job former Governor of Alaska -- and Kathy Griffin is loved by all the gays. I'm sure there's metaphoric irony in there somewhere. At any rate, I have to commend the foresight of Levi Johnston in this situation. If you still can't figure out how to use a damn rubber, there are worse ways than preventing unwanted pregnancy than banging chicks three times your age. Like they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of getting to have sex with Kathy Griffin.

Jeremy Piven was backstage at Alexa Chung's show on MTV last week when Chris Kattan came up and made fun of him for that whole "mercury poisoning" debacle that caused him to drop out of his Broadway show "Speed the Plow." Unsurprisingly, Jeremy didn't handle the situation with what you could call "a sense of humor."

Kattan - who's been in town talking up his IFC miniseries "Bollywood Hero" - greeted Piven with a snarky, "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" The actor sniped back irritably, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" - a reference to Kattan's swishy "Saturday Night Live" stripper character.

Says an insider, "After some back and forth, Jeremy said something really personal to Chris that basically attacked his career. He said 'Whoa, man - I thought we were just fooling around here.'" Not the right thing to say to the man who plays Ari Gold, apparently. "I'm getting sued for that s--t!" the actor shouted. "It's not funny!"

Our source adds, "Jeremy slammed the green room door right in Chris' face, and about 20 people in the hallway outside could hear him yelling obscenities. He was furious. (Source)

It's not too often you actually hear about a fully grown-up, adult man throwing an all-out temper tantrum. Jeremy Piven is basically like the boy version of Katherine Heigl only infected with rabies, a small penis and premature hair loss.

Acclaimed "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" creator Joss Whedon finally weighed in on this whole Twilight bullshittery -- and although he doesn't entirely hate it -- he does admit that those vampires are kind of like, well, pussies. Thank you.

Asked who would win in a brawl between Robert Pattinson and his own vampiric creation, Whedon shot back, "I think Robert Pattinson is really cool. Angel would kick the s**t out of him. He's Angelus. There's no Edward Cullunus. He just gets shiny in the sun. Boreanaz would have him down in a heartbeat. No offense, cause he's hot." (Source)

I for one, would pay good American money to watch Angel hand Edward Cullen his ass. Stupid Mormon vampires. They can't fuck, they can't fight, what the hell are they even good for, anyway? Helping you find your car keys? I guess Stephanie Meyer plans to tackle that in the next installment of Twilight.

Nonthreateningly disheveled Robert Pattinson at the Kid's Choice Awards last night:

Because 50-year-old men don't just go dropping dead in their sleep for no reason, it turns out that Billy Mays was using cocaine shortly before his death on June 27th. And here I thought his delightfully frenzied behavior was all just an act.

The Hillsborough County medical examiner's office said that although 50-year-old father of two died from hypertensive heart disease, cocaine use was a contributing cause of death.

(At the time of his death, medical examiner Vernard Adams said Mays was taking the prescription painkillers Tramadol and hydrocodone for hip pain, but there was no indication of drug abuse.) (Source)

Well obviously there was no indication of drug abuse at first because Billy was testing out his new product, Blow E-Raze. Sure, it might have worked for cleaning up of those pesky DWIs, but he's going to have to work just a little harder to pull one over on ol' toxicology.

In case you're wondering if G.I. Joe will be any good, well, it's based on a line of fucking toys, how good do you THINK it's gonna be? (Pajiba)

Goddammit, Britney is actually kinda looking good. You might wanna take some notes, Lindsay. (Yeeeah!)

I'm still not sure who exactly Kristin Cavallari is, but I would really appreciate it if someone would just kill her already. (The Blemish)

Jimmy Kimmel spent $35,000 to rent a crane for Sienna Miller, which is $35,000 more than anyone should ever spend on Sienna Miller. (Seriously? OMG!)

In case you're wondering, no, Lady Gaga is NOT a hermaphrodite. The rumours that she is a gigantic idiot are, however, entirely true. (Celebitchy)

Dane Cook tried to cut into the front of the line to see Harry Potter? What is he, twelve-years-old? Does he still drink Mike's Hard Lemonade while peeping at his dad's Playboys? (Celebslam)

Apparently, even non-sentient search engines think Paris Hilton is a stupid spoiled whore. HA! (HollyWire)

Remember Constantine Maroulis? Me neither. But he did get the shit kicked out of him, so I guess that's pretty funny, right? (CelebSmack)

I absolutely DESPISE Katy Perry, but I kinda like what she's wearing. In my defense, I'm dead inside. (usemycomputer)

You know that Leighton Meester sex tape that's floating about out there? Well, according to her, it's not real. Suuuuuure it's not. (Celeb Jihad)

Proving once and for all that there really is no God, Katie Price's book has topped the best selling list. (Allie is Wired)

On that note, I'll see you bitches next Friday, as next week I'll be in Toronto (again) to make an appearance at GoodHandy's. Until next week, I leave you in the capable, drunken hands of Stacey. Later!

Now that Paul Abdul has taken her crazy train onto greener pastures, that judge they brought on last season is coming forward to say that she had no part in having Paula Abdul fired. Actually, she didn't really have much of a part in anything, considering that no one really listens to the judges anyways.

DioGuardi shot down speculation that she was hired last season as an insurance policy against Abdul in case she leaves.

"The way I'm understanding it is that it was her choice to leave," DioGuardi said of Abdul. "I never was here to replace her. It would be impossible to replace Paula Abdul. She's an incredible talent. She is somebody who helped make the show as big as it is. How could you ever replace that?"

"If anything, she was really somebody who helped me because it was awkward at times being the fourth person," she added. (Source)

Well of course it's not your fault she quit. Obviously, it's the little people who live inside her head who tell her to do things when she mixes her down-down pills with her happy juice. It's like Mama always said: Xanax with liquor, never been sicker. Xanax with beer, the tiny people in your head start telling you to burn things.

Here's the Lil' Miss Insanity at The Hangover After Party in New York:

Because we simply ADORE making fun of Rainbow Killer in this here neck of the woods, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to make fun of Katherine Heigl's penchant for falling on her big stupid face during the shooting of her upcoming flick, Five Bullets. Personally, I blame her diet of puppies and orphans. It tends to leave you feeling a little sluggish after a while.

She says, "I'm not a fan of the action genre! It was actually sort of painstaking and I'm the most uncoordinated clumsy, klutzy person. I always had a bruise, I always tripped and fell.

"I'd be trying to look serious running while a car tries to chase me down and I would still look stupid. I realise I'm not really built for it! I think I'll give it a go one more time, but I might have to get in shape or something beforehand!" (Source)

I love how even when she's trying to poke fun at herself, she still comes off as something of a bitch. I mean really, bashing the action genre already? Bad Rainbow Killer, bad! Wait until AFTER the movie has taken in a shitload of money and made you a household name, THEN start bad-mouthing it!

Here's Katherine Heigl at the London premiere of The Ugly Truth:

Kendra Wilkinson has been twittering about her road trip to the East Coast to spend time with husband Hank Baskett, and posted this photo of her talking to a cop who pulled her over. It's since been removed though, since cops probably don't like it when you take their pictures and put them on the internet. Oops. At any rate, she had this to say:

"I didn't want to but I pulled the 'Kendra' card and got out of a ticket hahahaha," she wrote. (Source)

Since this is Kendra Wilkinson we're talking about, I'm guessing when she says "Kendra card" she actually means "Kendra cards," plural. And also, they're not really cards so much as they are boobs.

Kendra and Hank shopping for baby clothes last month at Bel-Bambini:

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were for some reason invited to the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, so naturally they took the opportunity to act like the biggest famewhores they possibly could and wave Heidi's issue of Playboy around in front of the cameras. See, this is exactly why these two usually aren't allowed to go to events that don't have the words "T-Mobile Sidekick" or "MTV's The Hills" or "$9.99 All You Can Eat" in front of the name of the event. Although I hear even Old Country Buffet only lets them in grudgingly.

As you've surely already heard by now, legendary 80's director John Hughes passed away yesterday at the age of 59 after suffering a heart attack while taking his morning walk in New York City. He will be remembered for iconic films such as Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Pretty in Pink, Home Alone, The Breakfast Club, all of (the good) Vacation movies and Sixteen Candles.

On the other hand, he won't be remembered for films such as Curly Sue, Baby's Day Out, Home Alone (parts 2 and 3) Beethoven and Drillbit Taylor -- because everybody's hot streak has got to end sometime, Judd Apatow.

Either way, he will most certainly be missed. R.I.P., Mr. Hughes.

Here are the 10 Onscreen Couples Who Would Never Work In Real Life. Naturally Seth Rogen and Rainbow Killer are on it. He's to good for that bitch. (Pajiba)

Oh God, this cracked my shit up...Some guy is suing Oprah for plagiarizing his poem, and he's asking for...ONE TRILLION DOLLARS! Ba-Bum-Bum! (Yeeeah!)

Glee! Victoria Beckham is gonna be a guest judge on American Idol! I guess they think pop "singers" from another decade are pretty much interchangeable, huh? (The Blemish)

Do you wanna see Steven Tyler bust ass off stage in front of a screaming crowd? Of course you do. (Seriously? OMG!)

What's the only thing that can ruin Eric Bana Naked? Barbara fucking Walters. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew do not want! (Celebitchy)

Megan Fox is STILL talking about comparisons to Angelina? Oh honey, give it a fucking rest already. (Celeb Jihad)

Oh fuck this shit, I REFUSE to believe Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson might get back together. You hear me? REFUSE! (BricksAndStones)

Oh, this is fucking genius: Conan O'Brien launched a wax replica of Tom Cruise out of a canon. HA! (Agent Bedhead)

Hey, remember that guy who was arrested for Miley Cyrus? Well, he did it again. (POTP)

Oh look, it's Jessica Alba's ass...again. Ummmm, hooray? Or Something? (Superior Gossip)

Remember Miley Cyrus' 9-year-old sister Noah Cyrus, who is already dressing like a total skank even though she looks like something out of The Dark Crystal? Yeah, that one. Well here she is along with some other up-and-coming Disney kid stars at the "Totally Texty Teen Choice Awards Pre-Party" last night wearing her best hooker boots and posting seductively on a stripper pole. You know, just like normal kids do. I remember being that age ... My friends and I would practice making out with boys on our hands. And really, these kids are no different. Except for the part that they use cucumbers.

If you'll recall, Screech wrote a book awhile back about the cast of "Saved By the Bell" and how they all used to snort coke off of each other's privates and etcetera.* Well, after hitting some bumps in the road (i.e., getting dropped from a major publisher) he found some fly-by-night Canadian publisher to release it and Us Magazine got an exclusive peek at the cover!

When it was first announced in July 2008 that Diamond would pen the memoir, publisher Gotham Books promised "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that occurred throughout the nearly thirteen years he was a part of the hit sitcom franchise.

But, according to The New York Observer, Gotham dropped the 32-year-old star shortly after he turned in his manuscript three months ago. Behind the Bell has since been picked up by a small Montreal-based operation called Transit Publishing. (Source)

Hey Shit For Brains, I may not be some big city trademarks lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that even in Canada you can't actually use a copyrighted image from a syndicated television show on the cover of your effing book. Not to mention a book which purportedly is meant to smear the show in question. Unless you plan on "releasing" it out of the back of a box truck on a street corner in Chinatown, anyway. Oh wait, but who are we talking about here? I predict it will gross upwards $45 in its first week.

* Not actually true.

Now that Kevin Federline is a disgusting fat pig, he's picking up weight-loss endorsement offers faster than you can say "Wheaties topped with chocolate syrup and nacho cheese."

...With a new reality show in the pipeline, K-Fed eager to get back into shape and a weight loss brand has come to his rescue.

They want him to be the face of their new products and are reportedly ready to pay him £1.4million. A spokesperson for EP-2 (Extreme Physical Performance) confirmed: "Yes, we're trying to do a deal with him, but nothing has been confirmed yet." (Source)

This makes sense, fat celebrities endorse weight loss products all the time these days. Like Anna Nicole Smith and Kirstie Alley, for instance. What happened to them again? Oh right, one is a sad, butter-feening recluse and other other is dead. I think he should totally do it.

Sharon Stone posed topless, showing off her extremely fake-looking rack for France's Paris Match magazine. Thanks a lot, Paris Match. If I wanted to look at fake 51-year-old boobs I'd subscribe to Fifty-One-Year-Old Implants Quarterly. But since I don't, I'll just renew my subscription to Modern Dog magazine instead.

Uncensored version below:

Yesterday Chris Brown's sentencing for beating up Rihanna was postponed, but not for any bullshittery reasons or anything like that. The judge wanted to make sure that he didn't get away with doing any pussy "community service" and is holding out until she sees documents guaranteeing that he does hard labor. Awesome!

Judge Patricia Schnegg told the R&B star that she doesn't want him doing easy community service but rather 1,400 hours of "community labor" for smacking around his ex-girlfriend.

"I do not favor community service," said Schnegg, explaining that she wants to see Brown, 20, outdoors picking up trash or cleaning up graffiti. (Source)

Damn, for 1,400 hours of community service, Chris Brown could probably clean up the entire city of Los Angeles. Better make sure to litter more just to make sure he's got enough to do. All I'm saying is, if you've got any unused bowling balls or opened containers of hazardous materials, now would be the perfect time to chuck 'em out on the side of the highway.

They changed the ending of The Time Traveler's Wife to a happy ending? Are you freaking kidding me?! (Pajiba)

Really Vanessa Hudgens? Leaked pics of your hooters? AGAIN?! WHAT THE HELL, GIRL? (Yeeeah!)

David Beckham will do a photoshoot with Angelina Jolie, ensuring that everything in a five-mile radius spontaneously bursts into flames. (The Blemish)

Don't you just love how Jon and Kate are spending more time trying to convince us they're good parents than actually BEING good parents? (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh Gwyneth Paltrow...You're just a wonderful human being, aren't you? (Celebitchy)

Oh hoo-fucking-ray, John Mayer is nailing Jessica Simpson again. Wooptie-freaking-do. (Celebslam)

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are expecting the world's cutest, most talented baby ever. Congrats! (HollyWire)

Leonardo DiCaprio gets over his breakup the way everyone else does: By taking a vacation to Ibiza with friends. (CelebSmack)

Diane Kruger totally rockin' a red dress at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds. (usemycomputer)

Awwww, the guy from that show about non-douchebag vampires wants to help the whales! (popbytes)

Michael Douglas' son got busted for dealing crystal meth. Nice job there, Dilbert. (Celeb Jihad)

Sienna Miller is finally speaking out her relationship with Balthazar Getty which made her look like a giant whore. Well, one of the relationships that made her look like a giant whore, anyway.

The relationship "probably looked awful," Miller says in the September issue of British GQ. "I probably seem like not a particularly nice person, not a girl's girl."

"I do think sometimes people get morally superior without understanding situations," she says of the criticism. "And the situation I got into was not ideal, but it happened and if I could go back and be more responsible, I would." (Source)

I don't know how she could have possibly been more responsible. I guess maybe by not going around topless and letting a married father of four grope her in from of the paparazzi? Ah hell, that's non-whore crazy talk. OK, just the part about the paparazzi, then.

Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian went out for frozen yogurt yesterday and brought some paparazzi along with to take pictures of it while she ate it, because that's what completely useless, famous-for-nothing celebrities do. And then I post the pictures on the internet, because that's what useless, good-for-nothing gossip bloggers do. I mean, I guess I could be out working with inner-city kids or helping the homeless, but when it comes down to it, pointing out things like Khloe Kardashian's giant eyes and teefs just makes me feel s'damn good at the end of the day. The rewardingness is really kind of like a high, I'm telling you.

Katherine Heigl attended the London premiere of her shitty romcom The Ugly Truth last night -- sans her Blandy McBlanderface musician husband Josh Kelley -- and instead, clung to her co-star Gerard Butler like he had the cure for being a whiny pain in the ass. So I'm just gonna put it out there: Do you think these two are banging? I can't imagine why anyone would want to bang Katherine Heigl, but then again I can't imagine why anyone would want to tie a rope around their neck to jerk off, either. I guess some people are just into weird shit like that.

Candy Spelling issued yet another statement about Tori Spelling, this time to USA Today. However, unlike the one she issued to TMZ last week, this one contains much less calling her daughter a bad person and making fun of her for being "middle-aged."

Candy Spelling won't be making an appearance on Tuesday night's season finale of daughter Tori's reality show, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, but on Thursday she said she has just one thing to say to Tori: "I love you, and I always will."

In a video preview of the finale (Oxygen, 10 p.m. ET/PT), Tori realizes Candy won't be attending Stella's birthday party: "I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I actually got sucked back into holding out hope once again after 36 years." (Source)

These two are such a mess. I think they should just get together in a locked room together and settle things once and for all. Just like in that movie I saw that time. The only thing is, where are you going to find two hacksaws, a loaded gun and a dead body on such short notice?

Play-Doh Face at the Maui Film Festival on June 19th:

I basically already covered this story when it was just a rumor and I don't really have anything else to say about it, but it's a slow news day ... So, Paula Abdul is really leaving "American Idol" for real this time. There. You happy now?

“With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to Idol,” Abdul, 47, writes on her Twitter page. “I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day one become an international phenomenon.”

She adds: “What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. I do, without any doubt, have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all.” (Source)

I love how twitter has basically now become an acceptable way of quitting your job. No thanks, I'll just stick with my usual tried and true method of the grabbing of the crotch and giving of the finger. It's never let me down yet!

Aw fucksocks, here's the trailer for I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. CRAAAAAAAAP!!! (Pajiba)

Teeheehee! Tiger Woods farted on live TV and everyone heard it! *Nelson Muntz Voice* Haw-Haw! (Yeeeah!)

Holy shit, either that woman is dodging Matrix bullets or Jack Nicholson is fucking BADASS. (The Blemish)

How bad is G.I. Joe? Seriously? Is that even a legitimate question? Seriously, I see this movie creating a black hole of suck in every theater it plays in. (Seriously? OMG!)

Robert Pattinson said his date would have chiseled abs. In related news, Robert Pattinson just beat down the closet door with a flaming battering ram of gayness. (Celebitchy)

Happy Betty White Day! Aw yeah, Betty White Motherfuckers...Let's rock this bitch. (Celeb Jihad)

Jennifer Aniston (A.K.A. The most boring yet sexy woman ever) is on the cover of Elle Magazine (A.K.A. The most boring woman's magazine ever). (BricksAndStones)

Ever wanted to see Brad Pitt attacked with a giant purple dildo? Well you're in luck! (Agent Bedhead)

For just $14.99, you too can look like a self-serving troglodyte who permanently scarred 8 kids. (POTP)

Here's Hilary Duff looking like she raided the wardrobe department of a Raging Stallion shoot. (Superior Gossip)

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, two great tastes that go great together, were seen getting it on in Las Vegas over the weekend following a Motley Crue performance. I thought Pam had some boyfriend from like a trailer park or something, but I guess that's all over now.

A source told The Sun: "They were making out all night and biting each other's candy necklaces. "Later, they headed to Vince Neil's Paradise Tower mega suite to continue partying." (Source)

Seriously, I have to give Pamela Anderson a pat on the back here because out of all the things she's ever done with Tommy Lee, "biting his candy necklace" is probably the most G-rated. In fact, if I hadn't seen the photographic evidence with my own eyes I would have assumed that "candy necklaces" was probably just a euphemism for anal beads.

Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears were seen out together at the Grand Star Jazz Club in Los Angeles Sunday evening. So much for sobriety and sanity! Adding Lindsay Lohan to Britney Spears is basically like adding whatever it is that you add to baking soda to make one of those volcanos when you were a kid. What? Science wasn't my strong suite, OKAY?

More of Britney out clubbing (sans bra, as usual) this weekend:

Sienna Miller, who can't seem to figure out why she's got such a reputation for being a whorey skank whore, went on "Live with Regis and Kelly" yesterday and gave the entire audience and viewers at home a treat of her almost entire breast. (Watch it here.)

Wearing a sleeveless sequined top with armholes cut down low, Miller's shirt fell forward exposing a swath of skin and the side of her breast after she greeted the hosts. Sadly for Regis, he is out this week and missed seeing the British beauty.

Later, as Miller gesticulated through some anecdotes, the "Live" cameras stayed preemptively zoomed tight on her face. (Source)

Well thank goodness Regis wasn't there to witness this spectacle. I think his old man heart may very well have given out on him. And in the spirit of Regis' old man heart not giving out on him, let's also hope he also never figures out how to do a google search on Sienna Miller on the internet. You can't swing a stick on the internet without hitting one of Sienna Miller's boobs with it.

Tits McGee managing to keep 'em tethered down at a G.I. Joe press conference:

Jill Sobule, who was the original artist to have a song called "I Kissed a Girl" back in 1995, is firing back at Katy Perry for stealing her song title even though Katy Perry claims that she came up with the title in a dream. Which is basically, you know, bullshit.

"In truth, she wrote it with a team of professional writers and was signed by the very same guy that signed me in 1995. "I have not mentioned that in interviews as I don't want to sound bitter or petty, because that's not me.

"Okay, maybe, if I really think about it, there were a few jealous and p***ed off moments.

"So here goes, for the first time in an interview... "F*** you Katy Perry, you f***ing stupid, maybe 'not good for the gays', title thieving, haven't heard much else, so not quite sure if you're talented, f***ing little slut." (Source)

Damn. I thought those Lilith Fair types were supposed to be all peaceful and loving and shit, but there's pretty much nothing even I can add to that. Maybe I should have been listening to Sarah McLachlan and Joan Osbourne in high school instead of all that goddamn, good for nothing punk rock.

More of Katy Perry covering her face with a giant doughnut pillow at an airport in Miami, because she's quirky like this, see?

Jennifer Love Hewitt is vacationing in Hawaii with Jamie Kennedy where she's been photographed playing tennis and basketball wearing a bikini and high heels. I usually opt for a sports bra and sneakers, myself. At any rate, you'd think bikini and high heels sports would at least be kind of sexy except that she manages to do it looking like somebody just killed her puppy the entire time. I swear, this chick can ruin just about anything. Jennifer Love Hewitt is basically like the human being equivalent of anchovies or cold sores.