For Pajiba's 5th Birthday Week, here are the 10 15 Worst Blockbusters of All Time. I'm looking at you, Michael "Micropenis" Bay. (Pajiba)

You know what Nicky Hilton does for fun? Hang outside clubs and laugh at people who don't get in. Apparently, being a horrid bitch runs in the Hilton Family. (The Blemish)

In other "Hiltons being dicks" news, Perez Hilton can pretty much go choke on a bag of shit for all I care. (College Candy)

Ever wanted to see Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried get it on while covered in corn syrup and food coloring? Well have I got the movie for you! (Yeeeah!)

How did Lindsay Lohan mourn the death of Michael Jackson? By taking off all her clothes. Naturally. (CelebWarship)

Gee, Leighton Meester's new song came out AWFULLY close to her leaked sex tape. Hmmmmm... (POTP)

Drea de Matteo is set to become a regular on Desperate Housewives. Awwww...it's cute how ABC thinks people still care about that show! (Seriously? OMG!)

Kid Rock and Kellie Pickler are dating, apparently having bonded over their single-digit IQs, shitty music, and complete lack of self-awareness. (Celebitchy)

Kate Gosselin's book got delayed, probably because she was too busy raping puppies. (BricksAndStones)

So according to PETA, exploiting animals is bad, but exploiting a recently deceased human being? A-Okay! (Agent Bedhead)

Poor Dean McDermott...Hey, if you had to bang Tori Spelling every night, you'd walk around all pissed off to. (IDWYL)

Pauly Shore has contacted his lawyer and is planning to take legal action against Sacha Baron Cohen for allegedly stealing the idea for his upcoming movie Adopted in Bruno. Aww, how cute. I didn't know Pauly Shore made a movie.

In Bruno, Cohen's outlandish character collects an African baby out of a box on an airport baggage carousel before turning to the camera and saying, "Angelina's got one, Madonna's got one, now Bruno's got one," in a gag joking about stars who adopt foreign children.

And now director Shore alleges the scene bears a striking resemblance to the trailer and tagline for his new film, Adopted - a comedy about the public's obsession with celebrity babies. (Source)

You have to admit, that's pretty low of Sacha Baron Cohen to steal a totally original joke about celebrity adoptions like that. I just hope no other comedian thieves catch on to Pauly Shore's other brilliant observational jokes about Scientology and Michael Jackson's relationship with kids. Oops, actually scratch that last one.

The poster for Adopted:

Reports are coming in from all over the place as to who may or may not be the biological parents of Michael Jackson's three kids. Sources are now confirming what anyone with functioning eyeballs has already figured out, that Jackson himself was not the father. But apparently, Debbie Rowe wasn't the mother, either.

Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie's eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.

In the case of Prince Michael II (the youngest), we're told the surrogate was never told of the identity of the "receiving parent" -- Michael Jackson. Three days after Prince was born at Grossmont Hospital in San Diego County, Jackson's lawyer came to the hospital to pick the baby up and deliver him to Michael. (Source)

Meanwhile, Us Magazine is saying that Michael Jackson's dermatologist was actually the sperm donor for the kids:

Though Michael Jackson was wed to Prince and Paris' mother, Debbie Rowe, their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson's L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe's former boss, multiple sources confirm to the new issue of Us Weekly.

"He is the dad," says a Jackson insider. "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth." (Source)

Can you even begin to imagine how much it sucks to be these kids right now? Hey, guess what! Your dad's dead, only -- oh yeah -- he wasn't your dad anyway and he also never wanted you to know who your real parents were. Of course, these kids were probably also raised to believe that fairies were real and that you can fly if they sprinkle their dust on you, so this will probably only be the first of many rude awakenings.

Note: The children are wearing rouge in this photo. Rouge!!! What. The. Fuck.

Mariah Carey went in drag while shooting her new video for "Obsessed" in NYC yesterday, and while I applaud her sense of humor honestly this kind of freaking me out. There are just some questions that should never be answered, and "What would Mariah Carey look like as a man?" is one of them. Plus, you just have to wonder about that poor gopher that's now running around with a completely naked butt.

Chris Brown is reportedly throwing himself a piss party after he was pulled from Sunday night's BET awards last minute; though it's not clear why he was even invited to perform in the first place. Apparently we have Rev. Al Sharpton and Jay-Z to thank for this, who both felt it would be in, how do you say, poor taste?

“Al made such a fuss to the BET executives that they pulled Chris,” says our insider, who adds that Jay-Z also had a hand in the decision. “Jay is a big name in the BET community, and he was very vocal about his displeasure with Chris attending the ceremony. He didn’t want Chris anywhere near the awards so close to the court’s ruling.”

Brown isn’t taking the public dis on the chin, either. “He’s furious,” a pal of the singer tells us. “BET asked him to perform and waited until the last minute to tell him it was off. He’s pretty shocked and outraged right now.” (Source)

Just to clarify, the "shock and outrage" that Chris Brown feels isn't the akin to the shock and outrage a nation feels after a beloved pop singer is brutally assaulted, but the kind of shock and outrage a 5-year-old boy feels when he's sent to his room. Oh, and I also should have mentioned that the 5-year-old boy got sent to his room because he punched his sister in the face.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and Matthew Broderick's frosted hair released this family portrait with their newborn surrogate babies Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge, along with their son James Wilkie. This is basically the most boring thing ever. And why are they all looking at that one baby? It's like they don't even care about the second one. Hmm. I wonder if it's defective in some way, like maybe one of its ears is smaller than the other or its got too many fingers. I guess that's the way it goes with surrogates, you get what you pay for.

Holy shit, y'all! Pajiba has turned five-years old, and former Manservant Dustin did a vlog for the occasion! Break out the cake and strippers! (Pajiba)

Debbie Rowe doesn't want to custody of Michael Jackson's kids, and apparently, has some weird sort of horse fetish.... (Yeeeah!)

Janet Jackson delivered a touching speech about her brother at last night's BET Awards, while Joe Jackson took the opportunity to...Plug his record company? What. The. Fuck. (Seriously? OMG!)

Because you can never have too many divorces, Britney Spears is engaged! Again! Hey, third time's a charm, right? (The Blemish)

Audrina Patridge's reality show got the green light, while Pushing Daisies is still cancelled. This is why I hate things. (Celebslam)

Hermione said she didn't want to be "Too styled, too generic", despite appearing on the cover of the most styled and generic magazine EVER. (Celebitchy)

Alicia Keys' voice is like a cat rubbing up against your leg, and she looks remarkably elegant. I have nothing bad to say about her really... (Lainey Goss)

My God...Even Lily Allen's undies are quirky and adorable. (Allie is Wired)

Nothing makes a family vacation like dangling over the world's tallest waterfall! (omg blog)

I don't even know who Katie Price is and I already hate her. A lot. (CelebSmack)

Here's Sarah Chalke at the premiere of Bruno. Just 'cause. (usemycomputer)

Mischa Barton was seen leaving a club in London at 3:30 in the morning late last week looking like something the cat dragged in and then the dog found it, ate it up and puked it back out on the floor. Ehh. What can I say, I guess we've all been there at one time or another. In fact, just this weekend I got so drunk I rode my bike into a parked car and the only reason the whole internet doesn't know about it is because I'm not a celebrity like Mischa here. Although I guess the internet does know about it now since I just told you. Well, whatever. At least I wasn't dressed like an asshole, so I still win. Normal person: 1; Celebrity: 0.

After the world collectively decided that Heidi and Spencer are idiots and we hate them, I think maybe it caused something in Heidi's brain to snap. She now seems to have taken the turn from your garden variety Jesus lunatic to a "the end is nigh" kind of Jesus lunatic. From her twitter page, in which she quotes from the book of Revelations:

getting ready for the day, putting on the FULL armor of God!

persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." Revelations 2:10

read Revelations!!The end of days is coming fast! Watch out for the mark of the beast!Do NOT get a chip or bar code on your body!!

Revelations 13 talks about the end of days and the devil making you get his mark on your hand or forehead in order to live in this world!NO!

That's kind of ironic that Heidi Montag of all people would be predicting the end of the world, since most people consider her and Spencer Pratt's very existence to be impending signs of it. On a totally unrelated note, what do you think the "full armor of God" is? A titty shirt and short-shorts? Check and check!

Dakota Fanning supposedly turned down the starring role in My Sister's Keeper to play a teen battling leukemia, which was eventually given to Sofia Vassilieva. But at least she had a really good reason for it; she didn't want to shave her head! Oh my God, ick!!!

Fanning, who's filming "The Runaways" with Kristen Stewart and Riley Keough, might also have issues with Vassilieva's co- star, Abigail Breslin. "SNL" once did a skit with Drew Barrymore and Amy Poehler mocking Fanning's "jealousy" of Breslin's Oscar nomination for "Little Miss Sunshine." (Source)

I don't know if I buy this story. It's like they're just making teenage girls out to be some kind of petty narcissists fueled by cattiness and self-esteem issues. Oh ... Right. Nevermind, then.

On the set of The Runaways:

Kendra Wilkinson wed the Philadelphia Eagles' Hank Baskett this weekend at the Playboy Mansion, with Holly Madison and the other one serving as bridesmaids for the blessed occasion.

Holly was in tears during the ceremony, which she described as "absolutely beautiful".

She said: "Kendra looked like a princess. It was a beautiful setting for a wedding. It was a princess dress, which was fitting. It was really pretty and she looked gorgeous."

Over 300 guests witnessed the couple getting hitched and there will soon be another celebration on the horizon, after the pair revealed Kendra is expecting. The day will be screened on the beauty's new reality show, Kendra. (Source)

They say rain on your wedding day is supposed to be good luck, but getting married at the Playboy Mansion while you're knocked up and it's all being filmed for a reality show pretty much makes a marriage infallible. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Billy Mays, the man who selflessly spent his life bringing us products to get stains off of things, make convenient household repairs and hang things on walls, passed away at his home in Florida yesterday morning. He was 50 years old.

"Everyone [who knew] him was aware of his larger-than-life personality, generosity and warmth," the Discovery Channel (which aired his series, Pitchmen with Anthony Sullivan) said in a statement. "Billy was a pioneer in his field … He will be greatly missed as a loyal and compassionate friend. Our deepest sympathies go out to his family at this time of incredible loss." (Source)

The saddest part about this is that if only he had known this was coming, he could have been diligently working on developing a spray that takes the dead out of people. He will be missed.

Well, after the 24 hours of suck that was last night, maybe this will lighten the mood: Here are The 10 Funniest Episodes of Television (of the Last 20 Years) (Pajiba)

Lisa Marie Presley wrote a pretty heartbreaking entry in her blog about Michael Jackson. I wouldn't reccomend reading it in front of anyone. (Allie is Wired)

Well, looks like Borat did the honorable thing and edited out Latoya Jackson's scene from his movie. Kudos, I suppose. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's Zooey Deschanel looking all cute and quirky and adorable at the 500 Days of Summer premiere. (usemycomputer)

Moo-riah Carey got her Photoshop on for the cover of her new album. H/T to Rocco for the name! (Yeeeah!)

Ugh...Kate Gosselin's hooters look like two overcooked steaks stuffed in a bikini top. *HORK* (The Blemish)

Awww, Amy Winehouse is designing her own greeting cards! How cute! 4/20 is a Holiday, right? (Celebitchy)

J.Lo's fashion line is shutting down, since the girl has all the business savvy of a four-year old. (Celebslam)

Josh Duhamel jumps on the gigantic bandwagon of "People who want to punch Perez Hilton in his stupid face". (HollyWire)

Marylin Manson got through his break up with Evan Rachel Wood the way most people do: Nailing bags of coke to the walls and fantasizing about killing her with a sledgehammer. (CelebSmack)

Seriously, does Robert Pattinson ever where anything that ISN'T plaid? (Lainey Goss)

And finally, while I'm a little too young to fully appreciate Michael Jackson's contribution to the world of music, I can appreciate his influence and what he meant to people. My condolences to his family and friends. In honour of Michael Jackson, here's Wolf Hudson doing an impromptu dance number...naked (but censored!). Site content NSFW. (NOBN)

Paris Hilton is posting pictures of herself and Michael Jackson on her twitter page, because what better way to mourn a beloved pop culture icon than to remind the world that you totally knew him back before he died that time. If this doesn't work I'm sure later she'll mourn Michael Jackson by going out to a club with no underpants on and exiting a limo with all the grace of a newborn foal. I can't remember exactly what stage of the grieving process that is.

Any Michael Jackson fans who showed up to Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night to pay tribute to Michael Jackson's star on the walk of fame were met with Sacha Baron Cohen's preemptive strike in the war against America's theater-going public at the Los Angeles premiere of Bruno. In fact, the star itself was buried under scaffolding which wasn't removed until early Friday morning. You know there had to be a moment of confusion though, when fans saw a big sparkly float helmed by a guy who sort of looked like Peter Pan and thought they had arrived just in time for the Michael Jackson memorial parade.

After the tragic passing of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett yesterday, some pranksters thought it would be a good idea to see who else the internet would believe was dead, and for some reason they picked Jeff Goldblum.

Various websites cited an erroneous report coming out of New Zealand that the 56-year-old actor had plunged to his death in a fall on the set of his next movie.

"Reports that Jeff Goldblum has passed away are completely untrue. He is fine and in Los Angeles," publicist Lisa Kasteler said.

New Zealand police are saying that there appears to be false information circulating. In fact, they haven't even heard anything about Goldblum shooting a film in their country. (Source)

It must have been quite a day for Jeff Goldblum yesterday. Not only did he have to hear rumors about him being dead but on top of that, rumors that he was starring in a movie. That second part was just mean.

As you've mostly likely heard by now, unless you've just awaken from a 15 hour slumber and the first thing you did was turn on your computer and your homepage is set to Webster's Is My Bitch -- yes, Michael Jackson has gone to the big kiddie pool filled with little kids in the sky. And according to everyone else in the world, supposedly I should be really sad about this. Here's the thing, though ... I'm really, well, not. Yes, he made a lot of music that made a lot of people really happy. That's great. But he also spent the past 20 years squandering away an untold riches that 99.99% of the world's population will never get so much as a taste of, doing criminal acts to young boys, (yes, I know he was never convicted and there's a chance he may not have -- but if you look at the evidence it overwhelmingly supports the fact that he almost definitely did) and acting like a creepy jerk in general. So if I'm going to mourn anything, I'd much rather mourn Michael Jackson's transition from "brilliant musical genius" to "creepy eccentric pedophile" than from "creepy eccentric pedophile" to "corpse of creepy eccentric pedophile."

So this morning, I will toast my morning orange juice to the brilliant musical genius (since I already toasted most of a bottle of wine last night to having a full bottle of wine) and to the corpse of the creepy eccentric pedophile I say: Way to steal Farrah's thunder, you asshole. It's like she suffered with cancer for years for nothing.

Here's an incredible retrospective of cult classic Office Space. You know you fucking love it. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry twittered a picture of herself naked with a pizza covering her fun stuff. Feel free to throw in your own "I'd eat HER pie!" jokes. (Yeeeah!)

Hey, remember that kid who tried to give a flower to Megan Fox? Well, they found him, and as it turns out, HE'S 25. What the hell? (The Blemish)

Shia Labeouf may be an annoying douche, but at least he's a charming douche. (Seriously? OMG!)

Miley Cyrus says she's glad she remained "pure" with Justin Gaston. Yeah, about as pure as yellow snow. (Celebitchy)

Oh Kristen Stewart...you're so adorably klutzy. (CelebWarship)

Surprise surprise, Megan Fox will be replacing Angelina Jolie in the next Tomb Raider flick. (BricksAndStones)

Wow, Russell Brand is an even bigger man whore than I am. And that's my JOB. Goddammit! (Agent Bedhead)

One of the haggard looking trollops from The Real Housewives of New Jersey has a sex tape. Ewwww, do not want. (POTP)

Who's a bigger celebretard: Bret Michaels or Billy Ray Cyrus? Click here to find out! (College Candy)

Where exactly the fuck is Holly Madison getting her money? (IDWYL)

Hey, remember back when Rolling Stone was actually relevant and they covered musicians with actual talent? Yeah, me neither. This month, they managed to dig themselves even further into their own graves by featuring The Jonas Brothers on the cover. And people wonder why print media is going down the shitter.

In the accompanying article, Kevin, Nick and Joe discuss their ongoing struggle to shake off the bonds of their teeny-bopper image and carve out a more respectable spot for themselves in the annals of pop music.

"I think we are working to make that trade without having to give anything up," Kevin reveals. "But I think it will take time, because of where we came from. I would honestly say to anybody, if you were in a band like us, you would take advantage of those platforms too. It’s easy for people to say, ‘No, I’m a real rock & roller,’ but I think you do what you’ve got to do." (Source)

Oh who the fuck are you kidding. You're a boy band with a show on the Disney Channel. You wear purity rings. PURITY RINGS for eff's sake. If you want to be a rock band, go do rails in the tour bus and get a VD. That's how a real bitch does it.

Here are Things 1, 2 and 3 performing in Denver:

Bad news, guys: At the age of 62, the beautiful and talented Farrah Fawcett died today after a long battle with cancer. The sex symbol and star of the 70's TV series Charlie's Angels was originally diagnosed with anal cancer* back in 2006. Our condolences to her family and her friends.

LOS ANGELES — Farrah Fawcett, whose luxurious tresses and blinding smile helped redefine sex appeal in the 1970s as one of TV's "Charlie's Angels," died Thursday after battling cancer. She was 62.

The pop icon, who in the 1980s set aside the fantasy girl image to tackle serious roles, died Thursday shortly before 9:30 a.m. PDT in a Santa Monica hospital, spokesman Paul Bloch said. (Source)

Seriously? Fuck you cancer, you miserable piece of shit of a disease.. You've taken way too many good people from us. Choke on a bag of shit, cancer. Choke on a bag of shit and die.

It hasn't been a good few weeks for Heidi and Spencer. They went from being your run-of-the-mill assholes who everyone hates to national laughingstocks, and even managed to get themselves banned from the entire E! Network. Unless of course one of them dies or something. (*crosses fingers*) And now, some rapper guy named Pants Velour finally decided to write a song about it. And boy is it mean. It's way meaner than anything I've ever said about them, and I wish them death on almost a regular basis. See? I literally just did it in this very post. Normally when someone attacks Heidi and Spencer they see it as a chance to act all indignant, but hopefully this time it'll just make Spencer curl up in the fetal position in his footie pajamas with his bong, and for Heidi to ... Well, not understand what's going on and stare vapidly at the logo that bounces around on the DVD player screen.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is getting a lot of crap. Mostly for being a super shitty, bloated, awful, piece of shit movie that explodes in your face for almost three entire hours. And what super shitty movie wouldn't be complete without a smack of racism?

The main focus of the latest round of finger-wagging (George Lucas, who unleashed the subservient, suspicously accented Jar Jar Binks on unwitting Star Wars fans in 1999, can identify) are Skids and Mudflap.

When they're not going incognito as Chevy concept vehicles, they sport gold teeth, can't read and cite their place of origin as "da hood." (Source)

Wait a minute ... Did these robots also happen to wear oversized clocks around their necks and viking helmets and yell "Flavor FLAAAV" all the time? The only problem I see here is that Michael Bay clearly watches too much VH1. Don't be surprised if one of the robots in Transformers 3 is a diabetic, bandanna-wearing robot who says "awesome" all the time.

Shia LaBoofey and the man with the World's Smallest Penis at the Transformers 2 premiere:

Kim Kardashian talked to the June issue of Esquire about her sex appeal. Or possibly a communicable disease. I'm not sure which one.

"I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores," she said. "It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on."

Still, she said, "If you know how to take control of [being a sex symbol], then it can be powerful. But I have no idea how to handle it yet, how to deal with it." (Source)

Ahh, I got it. I think she might be getting "sex appeal" confused with "Chicken Vindaloo." You really have to watch it with that Indian food. That stuff will make you stink if you eat too much of it.

More of Oozy Elsie at the AXE Instinct Power Of Leather Launch Party last night:

(Editor's note: I made an oopsie. The article that quote was taken from was about Kim K. but the quote was actually from Megan Fox. So, Megan Fox is the one that's oozing. My sincerest apologies to the family of Kim Kardashian.)

Perez Hilton opened his big, giant gay heart and offered an apology to will.i.am for calling him the F-word during their altercation on Sunday night at the Much Music Awards. And you can tell how sincere he is, too, by the way he's suing will.i.am's manager for the subsequent horribly violent beating which gave him this sad panda face.

The flamboyant blogger, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, filed suit in LA Superior Court charging battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Meanwhile, Hilton issued a hair-splitting apology to band frontman will.i.am for having called him a "faggot," saying he felt "physically threatened by a verbally abusive will.ia.m" and "I chose the most hurtful word I know to hurl at him," a word "I would not utter under normal circumstances." (Source)

What an asshole. You know what I would love? If this case went to trial and the judge ruled in favor of Perez Hilton, but then awarded him compensation of getting another punch in the face. I could see one of those quirky judges on "Aly McBeal" doing that. That's another reason why I wish real life was more like "Aly McBeal." Except for those dancing babies. I don't think I could handle that shit.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a shitty movie, and Michael Bay has a tiny penis. Surprise! (Pajiba)

Speaking of small, phallic objects, who wants to see Glenn Close stuff a bunch of baby carrots in her mouth? Me me me me me! (The Blemish)

Okay, how's this for awesome: Johnny Depp left a waiter a $4,000 tip on a $4,400 bill. Fuckin' A, dude! (CelebSmack)

Wow, Hilary Duff ain't looking quite as svelte as she used to, huh? (Yeeeah!)

The AMPAS are bumping up the amount of nominees for "Best Picture" from 5 to 10. You know they're still going to choose the safest/most undeserving pick of the lot, right? (Seriously? OMG!)

Elizabeth Hasselbeck thinks that plagiarism lawsuit against her is "Without merit". Just like everything Elizabeth actually says. (Celebitchy)

As it turns out, Jack Osbourne got beat up the other day, only he didn't act like such a fucking pussy about it. (Celebslam)

Buffy versus Edward Cullen? Oh come on, like that's even a fair fight. Everyone knows Buffy would kick his stupid emo ass! (HollyWire)

Here's Ashley Jones of The Bold and the Beautiful. Oh whatever, it's a slow news day... (usemycomputer)

And for the ladies and the gays, here's Justin Chambers snorkeling. Your welcome. (popbytes)

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper have joined forces to become the most bland and boring couple ever. Weeeeee. (Lainey Goss)

I've never subscribed to the school of thought that Johnny Depp is panty-moisteningly attractive. Sorry, he's just not my type, OK? And thank goodness for that, because otherwise the skeevy matching eyeglasses-necklace-and-shirt combo in these pictures from the premiere of Public Enemies would make my vagina curl up inside itself and hang out a "Gone Fishin'" sign. Seriously, color-tinted lenses are never a good thing, especially when they match article(s) of clothing that you just happen to be simultaneously wearing.

True story. A few years ago the Office Creepy Guy wore a matching lenses and necktie combo to the holiday party, and we all made fun of him until I got drunk enough to take a picture of him acting like I totally wasn't just taking a picture of him just to mock him. And now, Johnny Depp, you are practically that guy. You might as well just start talking in a high-pitched nasally voice and have the cops show up at work looking for you one day.

Lady Gaga gave an interview to the AP recently about the creation of Lady Gaga "the character" -- and if you harbored any doubts before, this pretty much proves that Lady Gaga is balls-out insane.

She may have been born Stefani Germanotta, but Lady Gaga insists this is no Sasha Fierce act. "My realization of Gaga was five years ago, but Gaga's always been who I am," says the 23-year-old, in a soft, girlish voice. "I don't appreciate when people call me Stefani, because if they don't know me, I feel like it's their way of acting like they do ... they're completely ignoring my creative existence," she says, before adding coyly: "(Lady Gaga) is who I am. Me and my hair bow, we go to bed together. She sleeps where I sleep." (Source)

Usually when people create false personalities for themselves and start anthropomorphizing inanimate objects it's symptomatic of a much deeper mental imbalance. Or, you know, "creative genius." But I guess there's no way of knowing until she either releases a brilliant album or kills someone and wears their face.

More of Crazy Dead Eyes backstage of the MuchMusic Video Awards:

Just one day after getting off totally easy with five years probation and no jail time in his assault trial for beating the shit out of Rihanna, Chris Brown released the above track on the internet, aptly titled "It's Not My Fault." In the song he talks about a singer he used to date and how Shortie got "caught up after a long night" but it's "not his fault."

I guess that's one way of looking at it. And then there's the other way of looking at it that it was totally 100% his fault and couldn't be more his fault if there was photographic evidence to the carnage to Rihanna's face, which incidentally, THERE WAS. Clearly, there must be semantics issues at play here -- like with other words and phrases like "unrepentant," "woman abuser," and "lowlife piece of shit scumbag who will rot in hell."

Now here's a story that brings a big salty tear to my eye, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo (pictured above, just one week ago) have announced that they're splitting up after three years of dating.

A source close to the couple tells Us: "It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends." Adds another source, "They still care about each other very much. This is what's best for both of them." (Source)

How is this best for both of them?? Nick has already got the beginnings of "old man jowls" and let's face it, "TRL" is never coming back on the air. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and say "I'm never going to do better than this person." And really, isn't that the foundation of all lasting relationships? Talk to any 90-something couple who have been married for 70 years. They'll tell you the same thing.

I don't even know what to say anymore. This photo, as well as the one below it, were posted on the twitter page of Adam Shankman, 44, who happens to be the director (sorry, producer) of Miley Cyrus' new movie The Last Song. After a shitstorm rightfully erupted when these pictures surfaced, Shankman posted the following update:

On Monday 22nd June 2009, @adammshankman said: Miley is a sweet angel who works tirelessly and endlessly, and is allowed to have fun in the make up room! Seriously! Lighten up or no more behind the scenes pics! She's like my angel little sister.

Do I really have to point how fucked up it is that a 44-year-old man refers to a 16-year-old girl as "his little sister?" But I guess that's what happens when you choose a film director from the National Sex Offenders Public Registry. Maybe next time they'll hire a film director from ... I don't know. One of those guilds or something. Live and learn.

Hayao Miyazaki + Tina Fey = I may have just peed myself a lil bit. (Pajiba)

Oh look, Ferris Bueller and Seabiscuit had twins! Sort of... (Yeeeah!)

Jon and Kate are getting a divorce. Gasp. I'm not saying Jon and Kate rape puppies or anything but...Actually, fuck it. Jon and Kate rape puppies. (The Blemish)

Ed McMahon died last night at the age of 86. Only three more days before shameless media speculation...I can hardly wait! (Celebslam)

Apparently, Amy Winehouse will bring "Untold Human Suffering" to St. Lucia. Yeeeeeah, obviously this guy doesn't really know what "Untold Human Suffering" means... (Celebitchy)

Oprah is taking ALL of her employees and their families on a European Vacation. You gotta admit, that's pretty spiffy right there. (HollyWire)

Remember that Leighton Meester sex tape? Yeah, well, it's worth a million bucks. Remember that next time you're playing the five finger shuffle. (CelebSmack)

Here's the totally kickass Eliza Dushku at the LA Film Festival. (usemycomputer)

The first sketches from Chris Brown and Rihanna's court appearance have surfaced, and even in paper and ink, Chris Brown looks like a douche. (popbytes)

Cameron Diaz got her star on the walk of fame. Which means you can now wipe dog shit off your shoe all over her award. Ha! (Lainey Goss)

Hey, need a good movie to psychologically cripple your children forever? Well have I got the clip for you! (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox wore an interesting take on the toga dress to the L.A. premiere of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen last night. I say "interesting" because had it been a windy evening it would have transformed an otherwise wholesome, family red carpet event into a decidedly R-rated affair. But since it wasn't windy and it was just the usual "Vapid Face Megan Fox stands around looking hot and bored and completely uninteresting," in that respect I guess it wasn't really very interesting after all.

Deadbeat: (Noun) A person who tries to evade paying debts.

Oh wow, what a surprise: A story about how Kevin Federline is a loser. Apparently the failed rapper owes $14,371 in back taxes through his production company, and I don't know where he's gonna get that money from unless he knocks up Miley Cyrus.

Federline's company, Gooseneck Productions Inc., was set up to handle his "artistic" endeavors, which included the much-maligned tune "PopoZao" and the poor-selling 2006 CD "Playing with Fire."

Federline's finances came into focus last year during a custody battle with Spears. Aside from strip club bills and fancy clothes, court records showed his production company spent $841,129 and made only $544,075. (Source)

The most shocking part of this story is that K-Fat's production company made over $500,000 last year. How the fuck did that happen? Did he start selling his sperm or something? Now that would actually be the best idea he's ever had. Kevin Federline's sperm bank: Impregnation guaranteed or your money back. Well, not really. He already spent it on a solid gold pimp cane.

Perez Hilton is in trouble with gay people after using the "F-word" in his fight with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas Sunday night, and now GLAAD is demanding an apology. Ha ha. Now even his own people hate him.

"These are vulgar antigay slurs that feed a climate of hatred and intolerance toward our community," said Rashad Robinson, senior director of Media Programs at GLAAD. "For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is 'The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,' is incredibly dangerous.

"It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting antigay attitudes." (Source)

Fuck an apology. I say they just take away his gay card and extradite him from the gay community. Those GLAAD effers are powerful. They can really do that. In fact, I heard they almost did it to Kanye West one time until they realized that he's not actually technically gay. Easy mistake.

Like so many failed celebrities before her, Jessica Simpson is getting a reality show on VH1, but the bright side is that there's no "of love" in the title. In the new docu-reality show called "Price of Beauty," Simpson will be exploring what other cultures find beautiful.

"I have always believed that beauty comes from within and confidence will always make a woman beautiful, but I know how much pressure some women put on themselves to look perfect," she said in a statement Monday.

"I am really looking forward to discovering how beauty is perceived in different cultures and participating in some of the crazy things people do to feel beautiful," she continued. "I know we will all learn a lot on this journey and I am so excited that VH1 is coming along on what I'm sure will be a wild ride." (Source)

The title totally doesn't make sense at all. A show called "Price of Beauty" should be about like women who spend all their money on plastic surgery or women with eating disorders who ravage their health to stay skinny. Her show is going to be about women in third world countries with dots on their foreheads dancing around in full bodied robes. Actually, I would like to see that first show. No offense, but the dancing women sound kind of boring.

More of Jessica and her huge knockers in NYC earlier this month:

Paris Hilton has undergone cosmetic surgery to have both her legs and vagina replaced by this mermaid tail. Oh, just kidding. Paris Hilton would never get rid of her vagina. The get-up is actually part of the ad campaign for one of her stanky perfumes, "Siren."

“Siren is all about being sexy in a playful way. I feel irresistible as a mermaid,” Paris explains of the image. “What girl doesn’t want to have fun being a fantasy creature that men can’t resist?” (Source)

Huh. I can't really think of anything less sexy than a mythical creature that was said to have lured unwitting men to their certain death. Oh wait, except maybe a mythical creature that lures unwitting men to their death who, incidentally, turns out to be Paris Hilton. You're going to die, and you also have automatic herpes. Surprise!

The first images from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland have been released, and I'm absolutely giddy about them. Yay! (Pajiba)

In case you haven't heard by now, Perez Hilton may or may not have been beaten by Will.I.Am. But that black eye? Yeah, that may have been a tad exaggerated. (Allie is Wired)

Oh, and now St. Tila Tequila is weighing in on this. It's the holy trinity of douchebaggery! (CelebSmack)

As if you need another reason to hope for Paris Hilton's painful, premature demise, she stole Lily Allen's Blackberry. What a fucking bitch. (Celebitchy)

Looks like Matthew McConaughey has another mini on the way. All bow before the McConau-schlong! (Yeeeah!)

Awwww, Megan Fox apologized to the chubby little kid who tried to give her a flower! Hate to break it to you kid, but it's all downhill from here. (The Blemish)

Stephen Baldwin is like a cheap motel: Gross, trashy, and LITERALLY INFESTED WITH INSECTS. (Seriously? OMG!)

I may not be Lindsay Lohan's biggest fan, but come on girl...You're better than this! (Celebslam)

No matter how big of a dick you think your Dad is, just be thankful he's not willing to pay someone to kidnap your fucking dog! (omg blog)

Because everyone loves Kristen Bell, here she is in a bikini. (usemycomputer)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the cure for Bitchface: Jake Gyllenhaal. (Lainey Goss)

Before I forget, I'd just like to throw in a shameless plug for mine and Stacey's Twitter profiles. You can follow Stacey at litelysalted, and you can follow me at Jeremy_Feist. Thanks, minions!

Last night following an after party for Canada's Much Music Video Awards Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas got into a fight. Or something. Depending who you believe. All I know is that Perez Hilton's face looks disappointingly unmarred for supposedly receiving the business-end of a rapper.

In a series of messages on Twitter.com following the incident, Hilton wrote: "I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke... Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

"I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities... The Toronto police are here now... The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it... I won't be talking about this any further. It is in the hands of the authorities." (Source)

Oh, except he did talk about it just a little bit further, when he posted an twelve minute account on his website today. (Above) Will.I.Am, on the other hand, posted a video of his own claiming his innocence and says that the two merely exchanged words over some unflattering remarks Perez made about Fergie:

He says, "So I go up to him and say, 'Hey, can you do me a favor, Perez?... Can you not be so blatantly rude to our group on your website? That's just wrong - you don't have to be disrespectful.' He said, 'I don't respect you.' I was like, 'What? Ok, if you don't respect me that's cool.'

"This dude walks away and I leave and then he says, 'That was very faggot of you for coming at me like that.'... So this dude says in front of a whole bunch of people, 'You're a faggot, will.i.am!' So I'm like, 'Wow, whatever.' So he walks away and then one of the fans gets all crazy and starts on Perez Hilton. I'm just sitting there minding my own business waiting for a car. But it just shows you how crazy things can get. It's not that serious." (Source)

So basically, I don't really know what happened last night, but I'm pretty sure this is the perfect example of a hate crime: Everyone hates Perez Hilton, and somebody finally punched him in his stupid, fat, hateful head for it. I don't get why everyone always makes it out to be like those are such a bad thing.

Sacha Baron Cohen, seen here in Berlin on the latest leg of his worldwide tour to promote Bruno, is for some reason already angering the gay community although the film has yet to even premiere in the United States. It's like, when did the gay community get so damn sensitive all of a sudden? See, because, get it? He's dressed up in an anatomically correct, headless Porky Pig outfit. That is just so like gay people to do that. It's like they don't even understand what satire is. I'd be willing to bet most gays totally don't find the humor in little things like airplane peanuts, either.

Lady Gaga was performing at the Much Music Awards in Toronto this weekend when her boobs inexplicably opened up and started shooting fireworks everywhere. Remember back in the 80's when Madonna wore a corset with a cone bra on it and everyone thought it was so scandalous and avant-garde? Yeah, well, if Lady Gaga continues to one-up her at this rate, by the time she's 50 she'll be adopting entire Malawian villages.

The Jonas Brother kicked off their world tour in Arlington on Saturday, and at one point Miley Cyrus joined Nick Jonas on stage to perform their duet "Before the Storm" from the new Jonas Brothers album. After having reviewed the videotaped evidence (above) I can say to an almost legal certainty that either Miley is totally banging Nick again or that someone hypnotized her to think that she's a singing tiger and he's a guitar-playing piece of raw steak.

Oh my God, everyone go crazy and shit your pants! After reports of "flirting" at the Management premiere last month, Jennifer Aniston was seen on a date -- I repeat, on a date -- with Bradley Cooper in New York City late last week. The two dined at Ristorante Il Cantinori near Washington Square Park and then left together in the same car. Ooooooh.

I can actually see this. Bradley Cooper is blandly attractive, has a non-threatening sense of humor and affable charm. For all intents and purposes, he's like the boy-version of Jennifer Aniston, minus the slight waft of desperation and lingering odor of John Mayer's AXE cologne. In fact, if there was any celebrity I could pick out and say, "OK, you date Jennifer Aniston now," it would probably be him. Apparently Jennifer Aniston's public relations team though the same thing. So yeah ... Nice work, guys! Another job well done.

At the Women in Film Lucy Awards on June 12th:

Here's a list of The Most Heartbreaking TV episodes. I'd just like to say I have no shame in admitting that the Futurama episode with Seymour absolutely wrecked me. (Pajiba)

Another day, another C-list Celebrity with a leaked sex tape. Shit like this makes my job SO much easier. (Yeeeah!)

Why isn't Blake Lively wearing any pants? Seriously: I don't even think that's a dress. (The Blemish)

Seriously Bruno? If it weren't for the fact that you threw in a Tyler Saint cameo, I would be totally sick of your movie by now. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh joy. Frick and Frack are coming back on I'm a Celebrity. Again. Hoo-fucking-ray. (Celebitchy)

St. Tila Tequila has all the taste and class of a half-eaten, day-old Big Mac. (Celebslam)

In other classless, trashy attention hog news, here's Lady Gaga in Maxim. (HollyWire)

Whoa, for an old guy, Mickey Rourke has some pretty decent pectorals there. (CelebSmack)

Because I love love love LOVE Christina Ricci (She's so tiny!), here she is at the opening of the LA Film Festival. (usemycomputer)

Robert Pattinson kissing on the beach? This is the stuff desperate, teenage fanfics are made of right here. (Lainey Goss)

Whoops! Joe Jonas let it slip that Miley and Nick are totally banging each other. (Allie is Wired)

Kendra Wilkinson had her bachelorette party last night, because, damn it, she's not going to let a little thing such as pregnancy stop her from having the bachelorette party of her dreams! If her dreams included puking in a night club toilet without having twelve shots of tequila first. Earlier this week Bridget Marquardt, a.k.a. "the other one," gave the scoop to Us Magazine:

"She says she still wants sex toys!" Bridget Marquardt told Usmagazine.com at a Jetblue Airways and VH1 Save the Music Foundation event in Hollywood on Wednesday.

She won't say what she bought her ex-roommate, but the Bridget's Sexiest Beaches host teases that "I got her something naughty but something nice." (Source)

Hmm .... "Something naughty ... But something nice." Keeping in mind that she's having a baby ... I got it! A combination dildo-rattle. Boom! I'm so good at guessing games.

Today I have a guest columnist, frequent commenter Ling, who was on hand last night at the Toronto premiere of Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato's Princess Protection Program. As you may know, we're typically nice to Demi and Selena around these parts, since they seem like decent enough kids unlike that trashy little hooker Miley Cyrus. So far. At any rate, Ling was kind enough to give us the full details from inside the premiere!

Hop on into the recap after the jump!

Britney Spears is over in London for the UK leg of her "Circus" tour, and here she is shopping at famed British apparel chain The Gap yesterday, presumably to pick up some of their signature cotton T-shirts and classic denim.

So, anyway. Yeah ... I guess they still don't have Victoria's Secret in London yet, huh? No reason.

Despite previous reports hinting otherwise and basically dying on the season finale, it appears that Katherine Heigl may be coming back to "Grey's Anatomy" after all. T.R. Knight, on the other hand, is dunzo. Nice knowing you, T.R.!

A person with knowledge of contract negotiations with T.R. Knight, who plays George on the ABC drama, said Thursday the actor is leaving the show. The person, who wasn't authorized to discuss the negotiations publicly, asked not to be identified.

But the person said that negotiations with Katherine Heigl (HY'-guhl) were more successful and she's expected to return as Izzie. (Source)

Hmm ... Wonder why the sudden chance of heart? Maybe she was mysteriously visited by the three ghosts of Career Past, Career Present and Career Future, and realized that if she didn't change her ungratefully bitchy ways she would be someday find herself walking the Earth lonely and irrelevant; resulting in a profound, life-changing experience of redemption. Or maybe her agent finally just sat her down and forced her to watch 27 Dresses. Either or.

Oh, this is rich. Since Jennifer Love Hewitt is finally in a solid, healthy relationship with her co-star Jamie Kennedy, (always a good idea) she's writing a relationship advice book called The Day I Shot Cupid. The book is supposedly going to offer "tips on text-flirting" and "how to start over after a breakup." I guess she's well versed on that last one.

"I thought it was time to share the real story of what I've learned navigating the dating waters." Hewitt says in a statement from Voice publishers. "Hopefully, in addition to having a good laugh, women reading this will learn from some of my hard lessons." (Source)

You don't have to read Jennifer's book to learn from her "hard lessons." You can do that right here on this blog. That's like Michael Jackson writing a book on parenting or Paris Hilton writing a book on ... I don't know. How to not be such a whore.

At the Monte Carlo Television Festival last week:

Seriously, a movie about Nazi snow zombies? For shizz? How do you say no to that? (Pajiba)

Justin Timberlake might be a dirty little man skank douchebag who cheats on women. I would still bone him. (POTP)

Aw, this is just...so wrong, in just...so many ways. Morgan Freeman, how could you? (Yeeeah!)

Neil Patrick Harris wants to be a daddy. Hey, I may not have all the parts here, but if you  need any help... (The Blemish)

Madonna wants Gwyneth Platrow to design her Mercy's room. Would someone please call child services on these two fucknuts? (Celebitchy)

Never underestimate the power of lonely, sexless, teenage girls with too much time and an internet connection. (Agent Bedhead)

Yeah, as if you need another reason to think William Shatner is a stupid asshole, here he is giving Conan O'Brien the finger. (Seriously? OMG!)

Yeah, so Paris and Lindsay totally Jon & Kate, but only for the most selfish, narcissitic reason possible. (BricksAndStones)

Whoops! Ella Macpherson left her headlights on. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

Paris Hilton and Lidsay Lohan are sick and tired of hearing about Jon and Kate Gosselin. No, not because the story is sad and the kids are being exploited -- because they're hogging up all the tabloids all for their own selfish selves. Jerks.

"Lindsay and Paris hate not being on the covers of weeklies," said a source. "That's why Lindsay has been causing so much havoc and pulling these antics. And why Paris had a big blow- up with Doug [Reinhardt]." The married stars of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC have been garnering attention from all the glossies, which have seen circu- lation boosts from their alleged infidelities and family struggles. (Source)

So basically, these two chuckleheads will literally do whatever it takes to stay "relevant," whether it means damaging inter-personal relationships or putting their physical health at risk. May I make a suggestion? You can never underestimate the media circus that comes with a good murder-suicide. Now, I don't know who would be the murderer and who would be the murderee; you can figure it out yourselves. All I'm saying is that they will be talking about this on E! True Hollywood Stories for years to come. I'm telling you: HUGE.

Lindsay and her brother Cody shopping in NYC this week:

Someone had the giant balls to ask gorgeous, talented actress extraordinaire, Amanda Seyfried, if she and Lindsay Lohan were still friends after Mean Girls. Amanda was unsurprisingly unimpressed with the question and proceeded to make me want to marry her. It's legal in six states, bitches.

The actress rolled her eyes when asked if the pair stayed in touch after the movie. She barked: "Mean Girls was such a long time ago and we definitely haven't stayed in touch. And while we are on the subject, I can't stand her." (Source)

Whenever I say anything like that -- because like Amanda, I don't care to sugarcoat things -- people always go "Why don't you tell me how you really feel?" What a dumb expression that is. Stupid, I just did tell you how I really felt. I wonder if Amanda gets that a lot too. She and I should totally hang out, so we can make snotty smirks and give the finger to people who ask us that. And then we'd go back to her place and prank call Lindsay Lohan, because we hate her. That would be sweet.

More Amanda at the Glamour Women of the Year awards:

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are finally doing something useful for society and are writing a book about reducing our carbon footprint through carbon offset projects such as solar or wind energy and reforestation. Kidding! They're writing a book on how to be famous.

In a recent interview with Access Hollywood the newlyweds dished on their plans. Heidi told them, “We have a book coming out. We co-wrote this book. It’s going to be a life-changing book to civilization.”

So what can we expect from this life-altering read? Spencer said, “It’s a ‘How To’ guide, something that Heidi and I specialize in. We’ve been working on this book for the last two years, you know, all of our strategies and things that we have learned through the ropes of — let’s say — pop culture.” (Source)

I see a flaw in their little plan. If everyone learned how to be as famous as Heidi and Spencer, wouldn't Heidi and Spencer in turn eventually become obsolete and irrelevant which would be a fate worse than death for them? And as great as a fate worse than death for Heidi and Spencer sounds, a planet full of Heidis and Spencers makes my head hurt. Kind of like when two mirrors are placed across from each other and you can see into infinity or getting shot in the head with a BB gun.

Editor's note: EOnline is having a poll on whether or not Heidi and Spencer should be banished from their site forever. Feel free to cast your vote, but expect no similar treatment here as Webster's Is My Bitch is a dictatorship and not a democracy.

Ryan Reynolds is on the cover of this months, and ohhhhhhhhh sweet sweet God look at those abs. Those things look like they were carved out of marble and sex. Mmmmmm...Oh yeah, he also talked about his status as a sex symbol (he doesn't much care for it) and Kate Gosselin (same basic opinion).

On being a sex symbol: "If you take any of that seriously, you need to be euthanized, ASAP. There are moments when you can use that to your advantage. But it’s really embarrassing. I think I fear more than anything just sounding like a complete a—hole when I have to answer that question."

On Jon & Kate: " I find that whole situation to be horrible and awful. Every time I see the headlines, I begin an inner hurricane of throwing up. I wanna see Jon & Kate Plus Eight, the Musical. Jon versus Kate. I wanna see four kids on one side, and four kids on the other, snapping menacingly to music as they walk toward one another." (Source)

Does it make me a terrible person if I kinda want to see Jon & Kate The Musical? Probably, yeah, but I've come to terms with that part of myself long ago. Anyways, in times like these, it's important to remember what's important in life: Ryan Reynolds' totally bitchin' abdominals. Mmmmmmmmm ... Sexy.

Here's Sexy Q. McSexington being all hot and sexy outside "The Late Show with David Letterman"... Sex:

Here's Sacha Baron Cohen at one of the many worldwide premieres of his upcoming movie Bruno, and I dare you to guess what city he's in? No really! Guess?! Seriously, I never thought I could ever have this much fatigue for a movie that hasn't even come out yet. It's like Austin Powers, Napoleon Dynamite and Will Ferrell in [insert shitty, sports-themed movie here] all rolled up in one annoying package covered in glitter and gay stereotype.

Gwyneth Paltrow name-dropped Billy Joel in the latest installment of her snotty GOOP newsletter, only she called him as "William" assumedly because she's too high-class to refer to people using  commoner, blue-collar names like "Billy." And also because she's an asshole.

The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries - heaven. (Source)

Right? Because they're that tight. That she can call him William. Oh, except for the fact that nobody calls him that ever. Thanks to US Magazine's crack reporting:

So does Billy really go by "William?"

No, his rep tells Usmagazine.com, adding: "No one calls him William." (Source)

Also, if you haven't heard, since the aforementioned issue of GOOP came out, Billy and Katie Lee Joel have announced their separation. I can only assume that this is because Gwyneth jinxed their entire marriage by sullying their special cookie recipe in her assy newsletter. All I know is that it definitely wasn't the 32-year age difference.

Billy and Katie Lee Joel at the Met Costume Gala in May:

I know David Letterman's joke about Sarah Palin's daughter wasn't in the best taste and all, but Jesus H. Christ people, calm down! (Pajiba)

People Magazine released their Hottest Bachelors List, and they gay guy from Gossip Girl ranked #1. No, not that one, the other one. No, the OTHER one. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh look, Victoria Beckham's tater tots have been demoted from "Scary" to "Baby". (Yeeeah!)

You thought Miley Cyrus' last boyfriend was bad? Well, this one is older and looks even MORE like her dad. Creeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyy. (Celebslam)

The fact that Kate Gosselin spanked her daughter really should not be your only indication that she is a terrible mother. (The Blemish)

Josh Duhamel makes the astonishing switch from "casual sexy" to "sophisticated sexy". (popbytes)

Since when the fuck is Michelle Pfeiffer "Old and Decrepit"? Seriously, girl is 51 and she's got it going on. (Celebitchy)

As someone who absolutely DESPISED the whole McLovin thing, this just fills me with glee. (HollyWire)

It's official: Chastity Bono is now Chaz Bono. Spiffy! (CelebSmack)

Because everyone loves Amy Adams, here's a photoshoot of her. (usemycomputer)

Here's John Krasinski doing the rounds at a Film Festival for Away We Go. (Lainey Goss)

I know ScarJo supposedly lost all that weight for Iron Man 2 and everything, but it's still a shock to the senses whenever I see pictures of her anymore. It's just that she's not an especially good actress, or singer, and there was never anything really especially interesting about her whatsoever except for her figure, and now she doesn't even have that. Sorry if that doesn't sound very "feminist" of me. Take goldfish for example: The most pointless creatures on planet Earth. So what if they only came in the color gray from now on? See? People wouldn't give a shit about them either and that has nothing to even do with boobs. And with that, I rest my case your honor.

Here is Mariah Carey's new single "Obsessed" from her upcoming album "Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel." And since no one is obsessed with Mariah Carey other than Eminem, I think we can all use the simple powers of deduction to figure out who the song is about.

She sings, "You're delusional, boy, you're losing your mind... It must be weed, it must be the E... Why are you so obsessed with me? Lying that you're sexing me."

And Carey really slaps Eminem with the line, "You're a mom & pop, I'm a corporation/I'm a press conference, you're a conversation," suggesting the rapper isn't a worthy suitor. (Source)

I see the point she's making here, I really do. But if Mariah is a press conference and Eminem is a conversation, then what the hell is Nick Cannon? A fart in the wind? I'm just saying. Although if you think about it, farts make noise so Nick would probably more accurately be an "S.B.D." only instead of deadly he'd be harmless. Yeah, Nick Cannon is like an S.B.H.

Mr. and Mrs. Carey at the Fresh Air Fund Salute To American Heroes earlier this month:

Yuck: (Exclamation) Used to express strong distaste or disgust.

Tori Spelling once again put her nutrition-deprived body on display while vacationing with her husband Dean McDermott and their children in Hawaii last week. Jesus. How long ago did she pop a kid out? She's famously said that breast-feeding helped her melt off the pounds, but having an entire Hooters restaurant worth of breasts wouldn't do this to a person.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have reportedly split up again. Although, it was really questionable at best if they were even back together in the first place, depending who you ask. (Hint: If you ask Lindsay they totally were.)

"Sam let Lindsay back into her life as a friend, but now even a friendship seems impossible," says the source. "No matter how many times she promises to change, Lindsay loses control and starts acting like a maniac."

"She is telling everyone that Sam dumped her again, but it makes no sense since they never got back together," according to the source. (Source)

Acting like a maniac? Whatever could that mean? I'm sure it probably almost definitely doesn't have anything to do with Lindsay stalking Sam around London and then pretending that they were enagaged. Because that's totally normal behavior when you're trying to get your ex back. I bet she did something really crazy, like threw a drinking glass across the room during an argument. I mean, really. There's just no bouncing back from that.

Lindsay seen leaving Sam's house last week:

When Heidi Montag was trying to decide if she should do Playboy or not, who did she turn to? Her family? Her pastor? No -- Kim Kardashian, naturally. That's like shit asking puke if smells stinky.

"Actually, I was in Mexico and I got a call from Heidi saying, 'Call me right now,' " Kardashian told MTV News on Tuesday (June 16). "So I called her and she had said to me, 'What do you think? What's your opinion on if I were to do Playboy?'"

Kardashian told her to "go for it."

"I think that now's the time," she said. "I think it's a very classy magazine. It's artsy. I talked her through the whole process and helped her make up her mind." (Source)

Wait a minute, since when is Playboy "artsy?" Vouge is artsy. Vanity Fair is artsy. Playboy is boobs, usually on a backdrop of silk or lace, with a healthy dose of airbrushing for good measure. Oh right, but I guess when you've been peed on for a grainy home movie anything that doesn't show full penetration probably seems like a classic Renaissance masterpiece.

More of Frack wearing an ugly dress to purposely piss off Kristin Cavalleri:

Jason Voorhees + Snow = WTF? Seriously, if it's too cold for people to take their clothes off, how will we know who's gonna die? (Pajiba)

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO PLEASE GOD LET IT BE PHOTOSHOPPED. (Yeeeah!)

In other jailbait news, here's Robert Pattinson getting mobbed my massive amounts of underage girls. (The Blemish)

Hate to break it to ya, Bruno, but leave this shit to the professionals. (Seriously? OMG!)

Janice Dickinson was rushed to the hospital from the set of I'm a Celebrity. Do they have botox down there? (Celebitchy)

Yeah, Usher got himself a divorce or something. Do people still care about Usher? Really? (CelebWarship)

Why is this billboard called "Threesome" when it features four people? Unless... (BricksAndStones)

What? Nine Inch Nails is indefinite hiatus? Fucksocks! Why couldn't this story be about Marroon 5? (Agent Bedhead)

The CFDA Awards were last night, and absolutely no one knows or cares what CFDA stands for. (POTP)

Ashley Tisdale gives the most boring lap dances EVER. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

Hugh Hefner admitted in a recent interview that he can't tell the difference between his Doublemint Skanks girlfriends, because his feeble old man brain just can't handle the subtle nuances of telling the difference between two people who look alike.

Hugh Hefner has been blessed with three new very gorgeous blonde beauties — two of which are twins. But despite his romantic relationship with 19-year-olds Karissa and Kristina Shannon, the men’s magazine mogul admitted at the recent Playmate of the Year party at The Palms in Sin City that he still can’t really tell them apart.

"I have one little trick, one has a little mark," Hef said, motioning to his neck. "Other than that, I don’t know."

So theoretically, he's supposedly having relations these two girls (gross) and the best way he can tell the difference between them is a mark on one of their necks? That's a suspiciously PG answer. I call bullshit. The odds that he's banging the twins are about as good as the odds that he doesn't have strained peas for dinner, watch "Wheel of Fortune" and hit the sack by 8:30 p.m. Basically, a 0% chance.

At the AFI Life Achievement Awards:

Bruce Willis and his blushing bride Emma took part in this photoshoot for W magazine to show readers what a normal day inside the Willis household is like. You know, just your average Bruce getting all tied down on the metal table and Emma mounting him wearing her best "hair and leather" suit. Or as they like to call it: "Wednesday evening." And then on Thursdays they order pizza. Just like us!

Here's Miley Cyrus filming a scene for her upcoming movie The Last Song with co-star Liam Hemsworth. I guess if Dakota Fanning can get raped in a movie there's really no reason why Miley Cyrus can't full on make-out with a considerably older-looking guy in the water while wearing nothing but a flimsy white tank top and black bra. Oh, except that Dakota Fanning's rape movie was marketed towards adults who like shitty indie movies where something really fucked up and controversial happens and Miley Cyrus' movie is probably going to be marketed towards tweeners who totally *heart* Hannah Montana. I just hope any parents who take their kids to see this are prepared to answer questions like: "Mommy, where's that man's hand at?" and "Is that how babies are made?"

Lindsay Lohan is under investigation by Scotland Yard in the disappearance of a Dior diamond necklace and earrings worth over $400,000 from an Elle photoshoot in London last week. Yep, sounds like old "Sticky Fingers Lohan" is at it again.

A police spokeswoman tells PEOPLE, "Westminster Police are investigating an allegation of theft of jewelry from studios in Brewery Road in Islington. The theft was reported to a central London police station on the eighth of June after earrings and a necklace, believed to be diamond and estimated to be worth $400,000, were found to be missing approximately two days earlier."

She adds: "Inquiries are continuing and no arrests have been made. As far as who we will be interviewing - we will be speaking to a number of people in connection with the inquiry and don’t discuss the identity of the people we are planning to interview." (Source)

Elle has released a statement saying they have "no reason to believe" Lohan was responsible for the missing jewels. Sure, they have no reason to believe she had anything to do with it except for the fact that she was the last person seen wearing them, she's an alcoholic kleptomaniac sociopath, and, oh yeah, it's pretty much totally in her nature to do something like this. Christ. Did they even check her bag?? I've seen better crack British detective work on episodes of "Benny Hill."

Sticky Fingers Lohan at the Axe lounge in Southampton: (Header image from her twitter.)

Heidi and Spencer went to the most reliable media source that would have them -- US Weekly, naturally -- to fire back at Al Roker for the wonderfully satisfying bitch smacking he gave them on the "Today" show yesterday. In the above clip, they act like a couple of smug, spoiled assholes condescendingly referring to Roker as "the weatherman" and acting like they don't know who he is. Because he's so beneath them, right? Nice try. It's so obvious they're totally crying on the inside. You can literally still see the pain in their eyes. Ha ha. Roker still wins. At one point, Heidi says:

"Please do not be rude to women in the future," she says. "Please do not be rude to me. Please watch your tone, especially if you have a mother or a wife or a daughter. I don't think that they would appreciate you talking to them like that."

Well, I'm pretty sure that Al Roker has a wife and a mother, and possibly even a daughter or two, but I'm fairly certain that he doesn't have any vapid, plastic, pseudo-celebrity, fame-hungry whores ... So I think that clears his karma docket. I'm sure the concern has been noted and appreciated, though.

Frick and Frack being whores in Costa Rica:

Imagine That is like The Game Plan, only without everything that made it good (Read: The Rock) (Pajiba)

I have no shame in saying: I would do dirty, unspeakable things with Gale Harold. In a heartbeat. (Seriously? OMG!)

No offense, but I just don't think Lindsay Lohan is smart enough to be a jewel thief.(Celebslam)

Speaking of Lindsay, Amanda Seyfried can't stand her. (CelebSmack)

Demi Lovato seriously needs to pick better sunglasses. Come on sweetie: Cut that shit out. (Yeeeah!)

Jennifer Aniston may be boring as fuck, but at least she has a good sense of humour about herself. (The Blemish)

Say what you will about Angelina Jolie, she's still a better person than 90% of the people I report on here. (Celebitchy)

Here's Elizabeth Banks at the 11th Annual Critic's Choice Awards. Because really, who doesn't love Elizabeth Banks? (usemycomputer)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt will sweep you off your feet...*Sigh* (Lainey Goss)

Who wants to play some Barbie Foosball? (omg blog)

Get ready to feel a whole lot of unjustified optimism here: Megan Fox is back on the market! Which shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone who follows this blog. Or for anyone who hasn't been forcibly lobotomized without anesthesia for that matter. Basically, if news of Megan Fox's availability shocks you in anywhere, there's a good chance your brain-damaged.

“I’m currently what you would call single I guess,” the actress told Britain's The Sun on Sunday while in Berlin promoting the upcoming "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

The actress, who was previously engaged to actor Brian Austin Green, appears to have her sights set on someone a little more Timberlake-esque.

“Oh I don’t know. There is this Korean Justin Timberlake named Rain,” Megan told the paper when asked who she would like to go out with next, adding, “And I’m really on his situation now. I’m trying to fix this up. I’m working hard.” (Source)

Well, good for her. Sometimes when you get knocked off, you just have to get back on the horse. Or sometimes you sell the horse to a glue factory and use the money to move somewhere so cold that any horse that visits would die instantly. What I'm trying to say is, Megan Fox is trying to bang a douchebag, and horses are assholes.

Here's the Horse-Whisperer at the premiere of "Transformers: Revenge of the Shitty, Disappointing Sequel That Will Hurt Your Soul":

Well, how's this for a "What the flying fuck?" moment: Frick and Frack were on The Today Show getting interviewed by Al Roker, and the dude pretty much verbally bitch-slapped them into next week. Seriously: Al Roker is fucking BAD. ASS. He's like the Chuck Norris of meteorology.

On Monday's Today Show, the cohost grilled the two reality stars on their recent stint on NBC's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!. At one point, he asked Heidi if she was proud of their behavior on the show. As she danced around the question, Roker cut her off and sternly asked, "No [the question is], are you proud of this?" Roker also took Spencer to task, telling him that people think he acts like a "jerk." (Source)

Seriously? Since when the hell did Al Roker become so cool? I used to think he was just the kinda dorky, overly-enthusastic guy who predicted the weather, and how he's grilling Spencer and Heidi for being shitty, vapid chodes. Seriously, this just boggles my mind. More than anything, I'm just thankful things didn't get too heated. Wouldn't want anyone "Spencing out" now, would we?

Here's Heidi and Spencer at some T-Mobile Event. Let's all hope they die soon. Horribly:

Drew Barrymore, who continues to insist that she's not back together with her ex Justin Long, was seen looking cozy with Justin Long at the Bonnaroo Festival this weekend. Seriously, what is going on here? Just take the poor guy back already. I mean, when a guy is willing to be seen in public with you while you don your finest tribal face paint and Indian headdress and it's not even Halloween and you're not eight, I'd say you've found yourself a keeper.

I'm sure this will come as a complete shock to all of you, but it turns out that Paris Hilton's ex Doug Reinhardt was scamming her the whole time. Supposedly he was overheard referring to her as his "meal ticket for life" and bragging that she was smitten with his romantic "skills." Please. Like she wouldn't be "smitten" by a dildo on a string. Oh yeah, and he was cheating on her and robbing her blind:

Separately, a source in Los Angeles who is very close to Hilton tells me Reinhardt's unchecked spending habits -- discovered by Paris' accountants -- were an issue. They found a number of purchases charged by him to her credit cards, without her permission. Among the charges were clothes, jewelry (including a couple of watches) and some unspecified artwork.

Beyond that, a Hilton check of Reinhardt's cell phone uncovered some text messages leading the celebutante to suspect the guy who called her ''the love of my life'' was actually seeing other women. (Source)

Wow. It's amazing to think that the guy who once got dumped by Amanda Bynes for using her for her fame could love Paris Hilton for anything beyond her witty charm and dazzling beauty. She just is really not the best judge of character, is she? I'm just surprised she hasn't traded her entire fortune to a homeless man for some magic beans by now that were actually coffee beans he fished out of the garbage can.

At the Borgata in Atlantic City this weekend:

Oksana Grigorieva has debutedher first single today exclusively through People.com (listen to it here) because, of course she is. Like Octo-mom face would be doing crazy old man Mel Gibson out of the kindness of her heart. The poor sap even helped her write the single:

A classically trained pianist who hails from Saransk, Russia, Grigorieva, 39, penned every song on the album except for "Say My Name," which exclusively debuts on PEOPLE.com - for that she collaborated on the lyrics with none other than Gibson himself.

"It is the first and one of the simplest songs on the album, but also one of the most intimate," says Grigorieva, whose baby with Gibson, 53, is due in late fall. "It is naked, intimate, raw emotion, little more than piano and voice as if it is a cry from the soul." (Source)

Yeah, I listened to it. Classically trained pianist my ass. Oksana Grigorieva is to Norah Jones what Heidi Montag is to Christina Aguilera. I think Oksana is about to find out the hard way that banging a disgraced yet formerly-loved pop culture icon a successful music career makes not. You need a sex tape, too. Obviously.

More of Mel and Sugar Tits at the X-Men Origins premiere:

Here is The OTHER 100 Best Movie Quotes of All Time. Because AFI is full of douchebags who won't acknowledge the greatness of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (Pajiba)

Okay, first I thought Megan Fox was an idiot, now I kind of think she's awesome. What is your damage, Megan?! (Yeeeah!)

Bad: Running into your ex in public. Worse: Running into your ex who beat you and leaked naked pictures of you in public. Sorry Rihanna! (Lainey Goss)

So not only is Carrie Prejean a terrible person, she's also a self-righteous moron. Who knew? (The Blemish)

Beyonce is apparently too lazy to walk all of 46 feet. In all fairness, you would be to after an entire day of doing absolutely fucking nothing. (Celebslam)

Jimmy Kimmel roasted Elmo on his show...Literally. Why do I feel like Grover is behind this? (Seriously? OMG!)

Lauren Conrad got engaged! Our sincerest condolences to the guy who has to nail her for the rest of his life. (Celebitchy)

Chastity Bono is on his way to getting surgery to become a man. Congrats! (HollyWire)

What the fuck is up with Michael Jackson's ears? (CelebSmack)

Here's Malin Akerman at Spike TV's 2009 Guys Choice Awards. (usemycomputer)

Miley Cyrus gave a radio interview this morning about "reconnecting" (is that what they call it these days?) with Nick Jonas as well as the above photo she posted on her Twitter showing off her brand new nose ring.

"He's my best friend, and we still hang out all the time," she said Friday on 107.5 The River's Woody and Jim morning show in Nashville. "We've definitely reconnected. We don't know what's going to happen in the future, but right now we're just kind of kicking it and hanging out as much as we can."

As for her new nose piercing, she said she is not ready to get "slammed" for the body art. "I'll let people think what they will," she said. "I hope no one is upset at me for doing it. I think it's lame for it to be such a big deal because ... it's just temporary. You can take it out." (Source)

Well I, for one, won't give Miley shit for getting her nose pierced. I got mine done when I was eighteen and she's right, it is just temporary. You know what's not temporary, though? A baby. So always make sure to wear a rubber, Nick. "The more you know."

It took Paris Hilton a whole entire day to move on from Doug Reinhardt to Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo, pictured above with Paris early Thursday morning. That's actually kind of a record for her, since usually she's got a new penis in her mouth within the hour. Good job, P!

Several celebrity websites in America claim the pair were intimately kissing. One witness wrote: '[She was] hot and heavy, making out with Cristiano at his table.'

Paris was last night telling friends they were an item, saying: 'He's hot, a real athlete - and the chemistry between us was electric. 'Cristiano's much better than my ex. He was nothing but a low-paid minor league baseball player.' (Source)

Meanwhile, sad-sack Doug fired back in a statement:

"Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck." (Source)

Oh heavens! Not the ridiculous media circus! Because that's the last thing a guy dating Paris Hilton would ever possibly want. Whatever happened to the days when a guy could date the most famous whore on the planet and not have to live under a microscope? We should all be ashamed of ourselves. The poor guy probably has a ton of antibiotics to take and cremes to apply, so he could really use his privacy right now.

Bret Michaels released a very, very, very lengthy statement (seriously, you can read it in its entirety here) about the series of events that led to the funniest thing ever to happen on a live national telecast. Long story short, he wasn't happy with the way things went down. On his face! High five!

I feel for the actors and actresses who put in so much time and hard work on or off Broadway to get to the Tonys. This is their moment and I am sorry that some of it may have gotten overshadowed by my thick rocker cranium being struck by a stage prop. On a high note I hear it was the highest rated Tonys they have had in years. However, I was bummed that I did not get to see any of the acts perform during the Tonys as I have never seen a play on Broadway before, probably would have enjoyed it, and even more bummed that I did not get to attend the after parties, cuz rumor has it Anne Hathaway was going to be there and she is hot. (Source)

See now Tony Awards? You may have broken Bret Michaels face and nearly decapitated him, but you never stopped to think about the real victim in this situation. Because of your carelessness, Anne Hathaway wasn't given the opportunity to be ogled and leched at by Bret Michaels, and that's a moment she'll never have back. Not ever. So I hope you all sit yourselves down and have a good long think about what you did.

OK, so I've been avoiding all this Jon and Kate bullshit drama, because number one they're not even real celebrities and number two, I actually feel kind of bad for the "plus eight" in the equation. That was, until this clip was brought to my attention. In it, the little girl directly to Kate's left is begging and begging for a drink of water saying how she hasn't had a drink all day, and Kate is kind of being a cunt about it. So finally she asks one of the crew members for a bottle of water and you think, "Oh, so she's actually human after all." But then she opens it and takes a sip right in front of her kid's face and then closes the lid and sets it on the floor on the other side of her and the girl starts crying. Holy shit this woman is a monster. I wouldn't trust her with a house plant much less eight small human beings. These kids would probably be better off if she just sold them to a sweatshop in China. I guess there's more money in reality TV though, and those "reverse mullets" sure as hell don't pay for themselves.

If you like big plastic tits and dead-behind-the-eyes expressions, today is your lucky day! After months of negotiations it's finally been confirmed that Heidi Montag has posed for Playboy and will be appearing in the September issue.

Details of her Playboy photos are, um, scant: "There is nudity. It's tasteful - she had a lot of fun with it," says a second source. A rep for the magazine had no comment, and Montag's rep was not immediately available to respond to questions. (Source)

During Heidi's entire stint on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" she did nothing but blather on about Jesus this and Jesus that. But I guess the J-Man is cool with nudity as long as it's tasteful and you have fun with it, and you donate all the proceeds to orphanages in third world countries. Whoa, don't want to get carried away with the last part. Maybe they can just photoshop a little halo over her head in post-production. Yup, Jesus will totally dig that.

More of Heidi and Spencer being whores at the gas station:

Here are The Top 10 Songs by Terrible Singers Saying "I Love You". Because nothing gets you in the moo like some Megadeath. (Pajiba)

David Beckham in his undies. That is all you need to know about this one. (Yeeeah!)

Carrie Prejean doesn't understand why she got fired due to contractual obligations. Another things she doesn't understand: Where the sun goes at night. (The Blemish)

Remember that time Christian Bale said he wasn't a model? Yeah, well, he wasn't kidding. Yeesh. (Agent Bedhead)

Apparently, Daughtry went to the Eric Cartman school of Album Artwork. Way to not look at the camera, douchebag! (Seriously? OMG!)

Holy shit, Jeremy Piven is a whiny little shit? Really? No way! (Celebitchy)

Oh look it's Phil Spector's mug sh-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHOHGODKILLITWITHFIRE!(CelebWarship)

In "They will literally give ANYONE a book deal" News, Lauren Conrad has a book out. Where is your God now? (BricksAndStones)

There's nothing more "Rock Star" then complaining to the media about how you busted your nose walking into the set at the Tony Awards. (POTP)

And now, here's some Lily Allen for the sake of Lily Allen. (IDWYL)

Not sure who Jordan is, but her t-shirt is about as funny and dated as jokes about Swine Flu. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

The anti-Proposition 8 movement was apparently sorely lacking credibility, so Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz have thankfully stepped up to the plate to take part in a photo shoot for "NOH8," a campaign in support of overturning the proposition. Because what says "I support gay marriage" like looking all lame and emo and drawing a bunch of crap on your face in dry erase markers? I mean, if they wrote a bunch of crap on their faces with a Sharpie® then we'd at least know they were really serious about the cause. That could literally take days to wash off.

Ashlee taking a break from beating bitches up to spend time with the fam:

Kendra Wilkinson took this photo of her growing belly and posted it on her blog with the headline "INTRODUCING MY BABY BUMP! LOL." Really? That's what pregnancy looks like if you're a 24-year-old former Playboy model? I look more pregnant than that after I eat a cheesesteak. Actually, I look more pregnant than that when I don't eat a cheesesteak. When I eat a cheesesteak it just looks like I'm expecting twins.

Bret Michaels, who is more or less the poster child for whiny diabetic drama queens, was asked by Elle magazine how having the disease affects his sex life:

The only time it will ever affect you in bed is if you have extremely low blood sugar and you go into insulin shock, at which point you won't be standing up, let alone performing sex.

However, I will sometimes hold off on the insulin, which will jack my blood sugar level up to the low 200 range. It's like how a prizefighter will want to go into the ring with his blood sugar levels high. It gives you the stamina of a bull. So, yes, sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman. (Source)

Hmph. My boyfriend is also diabetic and he's never endangered his life to pleasure me. That jerk. I guess he just doesn't love me as much as Bret Michaels loves his whores. Well, we'll just see about that after I hide his precious insulin from him. Of course, then he'll probably just be all like, "Oh, woe is me! I'm going into shock and I might die!" Everything is always all about him.

More of Bret Michaels at the Tony Awards before he broke his face. (Side note: Why does he keep doing that with his hand? Does he have Parkinson's, too?)

Michael Jackson is supposedly going to be performing on a 50-date tour this summer kicking off in London in mid-July. Honestly? I don't think it's going to happen. Which would be a good thing, because he's already making some pretty suspect demands:

Jackson, acquitted of child molestation charges in 2005, has requested a choir of child singers between the ages of five and 13 that's made up of exactly equal numbers of black, white, mixed-race and Asian children, according to a casting agent email reported by London's Daily Mirror.

Jacko, 50, also wants every child able to speak sign language, the Mirror reports. And he's requested a band of six drummers who are "young adults, clean-cut and of mixed ethnicity." (Source)

So basically, as Michael Jackson likes to call it, "his own personal craft services table." Heyoo!

Stupid asshole Paris Hilton dumped her stupid asshole boyfriend Doug Reinhardt after they got into a fight outside of a Hollywood nightclub Tuesday night when he was supposedly caught checking out another woman. I would say this is another notch on the ol' bedpost but that thing is probably whittled down to a stump by now.

Paris' spokesperson told reporters: "In response to the enquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. "They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."

A source close to the couple say a desperate-looking Doug was locked out of Paris' LA home yesterday after she blocked his right to enter her gated community.

The same pal told TMZ.com that Paris couldn't be happier, because she now realises: "Doug is a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." (Source)

Well, duh. Of course he's a douche. You can practically smell the fresh spring breeze-masked vinegar fumes coming from the computer screen when you look at him. I just assumed that was one of Paris Hilton's main criteria for choosing a boyfriend, right behind "compatible STDs" and "matches her purse."

At the premiere of the TV pilot "Rex" on Monday:

Futurama is coming back for 26 new episodes! Suck it, Family Guy! (Pajiba)

Just when you thought it was over, Lil Allen Cutewatch '09 rises up for another round of adorableness. (Yeeeah!)

Holy shit, did Hugh Grant just punt a photog straight in the funstuff? Jeebus H. (Celebitchy)

Dakota Fanning out clubbing with Kristin Stewart? Meh, there are worse ways to end up I guess. (The Blemish)

Who wore it better: Heather Graham or Kristin Cavallari? My money's on Heather, because she's hot as hell and not a total fucking bitch. (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox bites the white trash hand that feeds her, although I have to admit, she might be on to something. (Lainey Goss)

Britney is dating a new guy, and you know what? He's kinda hot. And employed. Nice one, Brit! (HollyWire)

Let this be a lesson: See through tops - Bra = Nipples. Thanks Posh Spice! (Celebslam)

All I can say about this is BAAAAHAHAHA! Serves you right, you gaycist bitch!(CelebSmack)

Here's David Beckham warming up with way to many clothes on. (popbytes)

Kristanna Loken sexes it up for a photoshoot. (usemycomputer)

Shia LaBeouf is on the cover of Parade magazine this month, in which he gives an eyebrow-raising interview about how he used to see his parents having sex, smoking weed, and his mom being naked all the time, and how that has subsequently affected his life. Ermm ... Okay. He says:

"The good actors are all screwed up. They're all in pain. It's a profession of bottom-feeders and heartbroken people.," LaBeouf also says, describing what caused his split with China Brezner, whom he dated for three years.

"Maybe it was career pressure. ... Maybe I chose work. Every man has those feelings of escape and survival. I know you shouldn't be that way. I'm trying to understand it and find the answers. I don't have them now. Why did the love of my life and I break up? ... Man, I have no idea. What was that all about? I have no answers to anything. None. Why am I an alcoholic? I haven't a damn clue! What is life about? I don't know." (Source)

So basically, what I got out of all that is that Shia LaBeouf is poised to become the Boy Lindsay Lohan of our generation. Which is kind of nice, actually. I mean day in, day out, it's all nip slip this and upskirt that. Would it be too much to ask for a dick slip now and then? Why eat tacos every day when you can have sausage? Sorry, that was just gross. That's the last time I'll compare the downtrodden, herp-infested gentials of Hollywood to food. My promise to you.

The other half of the brain trust at the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen press conference:

This is the most genuinely devastating news I've reported in awhile, but Kanye West and his shaved head "former" lesbian model girlfriend Amber Rose have called it quits. I honestly so, so loved them together. Me sad.

Rumors of the rapper's split from tall, shaved-top music video model Amber Rose have swirled for weeks, and now a spokesman for West tells us, "They are no longer a couple." (Source)

I guess this was inevitable, and when it comes down to it their relationship served its purpose. It made her famous and it put Kanye West gay rumors to rest for a couple of months. Mission accomplished. You didn't really think they were doing the sex, did you? What, do you also believe in the Tooth Fairy and Jesus too?

The couple in happier times:

Remember how Heidi Montag (I refuse to call her "Pratt" and acknowledge their retarded marriage) kept incessantly spraying her hair with her precious "dry shampoo" during her entire stint on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here?" Well, it unsurprisingly turns out that she's actually planning on developing it into a product line.

During Heidi Pratt's stay in the Costa Rican jungle for the reality show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, she relied on her dry shampoo to get her through the dirty days. Heidi brought along dry shampoo as her single luxury item under the series' rules -- and now Life & Style can reveal exclusively that Heidi is developing her own dry-shampoo line.

She'll launch Heidi Montag Dry Shampoo, a rep for the starlet confirms to Life & Style. (Source)

I just hope she doesn't plan on using herself to market it, unless it's only meant for nylon-polyester hair that looks like the hair on a Barbie doll that no one had the mercy to chop off with a pair of child-safety scissors. Otherwise the old "I'm not just the Hair Club for Men President" shtick probably isn't gonna work in this case.

More of Polyester Head and Gorton's Fisherman Face at the T-Mobile Sidekick LX launch:

Lady Gaga is vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend "Speedy," (whatever) and we're finally given a rare glimpse behind the "mask," so to speak. Yeah... I'm starting to see why she normally wears ten pounds of makeup and fake eyelashes and giant wigs covering her whole face at all times. It's kind of baffling at how she got as far as she did in this business with such a butterface. Seriously, my first reaction was literally to spread her on my English muffin.

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett, who are currently engaged and filming a reality show for E!, have just announced that they're having a baby! Their baby will be the best fed baby in the neighborhood, I can tell you that already.

The Girls Next Door E! reality star told E! News's Marc Malkin, "Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans."

In February, Wilkinson, 23, told PEOPLE: "We always talk about [having kids]. He wants kids so [badly], and I do, too." (Source)

Likewise, back in February I said that Kendra Wilkinson was "one of the dumbest people I have ever encountered in my life, on television or otherwise," and that it would be a miracle if the kid came out with the ability to remember to breathe on its own. Now that there is actually a baby to speak of, I think maybe that was a little unfair. I mean, obviously his dumb sperm found her dumb egg, and the dumb cells managed to form a higher life form, so the kid is already off to a great start. So what if it never does learn the joys of algebra or conjugating verbs.

Kendra and her hypnotic boobs at The Hangover premiere:

The cast of Saved By the Bell are getting their reunion on! It's official: The 90's are the new 80's. (Pajiba)

In case you were wondering, Heather Graham is still not dead or annoying. Woohoo! (Yeeeah!)

Madonna now has another poor, unfortunate infant which she may devour to remain youthful. (The Blemish)

Jessica Alba is just a whole mess of dumb, isn't she? (CelebWarship)

And now, here's your super precious Arquette family moment of the day. (Seriously? OMG!)

The brooding hotness that is Trent Reznor won a well-deserved Webby award for The Slip. Kickass! (Agent Bedhead)

Leonardo Dicaprio and Bar Rafaeli have gone splitskies, which means you now have a slightly less abysmal shot at nailing either of them! (Celebitchy)

Hmmm, that's weird...Jessica Simpson still exists? Really? (BricksAndStones)

Oh look, Gay Hecubus landed a record deal. Score one for the homos! (POTP)

I couldn't give two shits about Sophia Bush,  but ohmyfuckinggod look at the puppy!(IDWYL)

Here's Ginger Spice for some reason. Meh. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

Sources have confirmed that Miley Cyrus has kicked her dumb as a bowl of mice underwear model boyfriend to the curb after the two recently left a string of breakuppy-sounding twitters on their twitter accounts. But the real twist here is that Miley's ex Nick Jonas may have had something to do with the breakup. Dun dun DUN!

"She obviously has been hanging out with Nick again a lot, and Justin was cool with it at first, as long as it was just a cool, friendly thing," says an insider. "She didn't cheat, but I guess Nick was trying to get her back the whole time."

In fact, photos of the former pop power couple goofing around during a video shoot surfaced just yesterday. And Saturday, Cyrus left a mildly mysterious message on her Twitter account. "I'm in a dark theater 'writing' a song with nick j who is rockin a faded eggplant shirt! :)" (Source)

Well that's good to hear. Now instead of having illegal statutory rape sex, she can get back to having good old fashioned, wholesome, consensual underage kid sex. Just the way God and America intended. That way when someone gets pregnant, at least one person's life is almost definitely still ruined, but at least no one goes to jail for it. Win-win!

Nick and Miley's unbridled display of teenage hormones this weekend:

OMG guyz! You're never going to guess who's gay? Yes, Adam Lambert has finally come out in Rolling Stone, which was the least kept and most obvious secret in the history of ever. In the interview, Gay Hecubus explains his decision to wait to talk about his sexual orientation to Rolling Stone:

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay,” Lambert says in the new issue of Rolling Stone, hitting newsstands this week.

“Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler,’ ” he tells us. “I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context. (Source)

I love how he doesn't waste a precious opportunity like his official coming out of the closet to take a meowser little swipe at his gay "Idol" runner-up rival Clay Aiken. Clay totally had NO idea who he was fucking with when he started this feud. If Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken were transformers, Adam would be Optimus Prime and Clay Aiken would be like Soundwave the cassette-player or one of the other sad 80's technology robots who was too out of date to even make it into the movie. And then they would probably have angry robot butt sex, because I'd imagine that's what gay robot rivals do with each other.

Gay Hecucbus and "Idol" judge bestie Kara DiaGarmo at Hollywood Life's 11th Annual Young Hollywood Awards:

Last night on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" Heidi and Spencer sadly left the show after Heidi fell sick and sadly also turned out not to have been "tortured," despite previous reports. But before they left Heidi treated the cast and viewing audience to a little treat in the form of an impromptu a capella performance of one of her new songs. And if you thought Heidi Montag was a terrible singer before accompanied by music and sound producing -- let's just say that if this had been an "American Idol" audition the judges would have all laughed at her, which would have caused her to run from the room crying and head straight for the nearest CVS to buy a pack of girly pink BIC razors to slit her wrists with. Janice "Diarrhea of the Mouth" Dickinson, on the other hand, was a bit more gentle basically just telling her that she sounded like a drowing cat. Fair enough.

Still, it darn near caused Spencer Pratt to "Spence out," and thank God he didn't because it would have most likely been a category five Spencing out in which he would have actually been able to shoot his Gorton's Fisherman beard hairs like a porcupine throws its quills, effectively killing the rest of the cast. Tragedy averted!

Here is a photo that recently surfaced of uber "Supernatural" hunk Jared Padalecki getting oiled up on the set of Friday the 13th. And you thought your job sucked, huh? The only jobs I can think of worse than this would be like "professional masturbator" or "cupcake taste tester." I mean, think of all the cavities you could get! It would just be a downright nightmare.

Thanks to Anne for the tip!

Lindsay Lohan, who was most recently seen stalking her ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson in London, was spotted catching a flight from London to to L.A. yesterday with Samantha Ronson and wearing a suspicious looking diamond ring. Is this a good idea?

The actress -- who told Us Weekly she was "so alone" after her April split from her DJ girlfriend -- was spotted in London with a diamond ring on her left hand (where engagement rings are usually worn, although she had it on her third finger instead of ring finger).

Lohan was cryptic on her Twitter page. "Leaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe…." she wrote. (Source)

Great news to share maybe? You mean if Samantha's drugs don't wear off first before she gets a chance to break it. The only thing stupider than getting engaged to Lindsay Lohan would be joining the Chinese mafia. And even that would probably be easier to get out of.

A romantic-comedy written by Dave Eggers and his wife? Why does my wallet suddenly feel $10 lighter? (Pajiba)

I know carrying a fetus is hard work and all, but come on, Heidi Klum, what the eff? (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse sucks her thumb and hugs children. When the hell did she start being all adorable and stuff? (Celebitchy)

Rihanna is out to show the world that Chris Brown has a tiny penis. This is why you do not fuck with Rihanna. (The Blemish)

A Thai Newspaper published photos of David Carradine's corpse. This right here is why print news is going down the shitter. (Celebslam)

Stephen Colbert got his head shaved while he was performing for the troops. Hey, just be thankful he didn't go for the full brazilian. (Seriously? OMG!)

Reason #8376 why you should never go on sarari: Monkies fucking on your car. (omg blog)

Drunkey Simpson took her ridonkulously named baby to a charity event. Yay for charity, for boo for talentless drunks! (CelebSmack)

Neil Patrick Harris is the perfect combination of sexy and hysterical. (Lainey Goss)

Just because I love her, here's Anne Hathaway at the Tony Awards. (usemycomputer)

"American Idol" winner Adam Lambert is still not admitting that he's gay -- as in actually saying the words "I am gay" -- most likely due to the fact that he's rumored to be officially coming out in the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone and probably got paid a lot for it. So when asked by Celebuzz if he were mad at Idol judge Kara DioGuardi for basically outting him, the answer was par for the course:

Asked if he was angered by DioGuardi's public discussion of his private life, Lambert was quick to dispel notions of ill-will.

"No," Lambert—who was presented the YH Aritst of the Year award by DioGuardi—said. "I mean they are asking the same questions everybody else was asking. Kara was just being honest. She is a great friend of mine." (Source)

She "was just being honest?" Ooh guys! Do you think that means what I think it means? I just wish he would give us a better clue. Like maybe gang-banging the entire cast of "Queer Eye" in the middle of Times Square on a rainbow. That would really help. But in the meantime we're just going to have to settle for his constant and damning ambiguity.

More of Gay Hecubus and his friend who is probably blind or something because he needs help getting around in Hollywood last week:

Age Appropriate: (Adjective) Of activities which are deemed appropriate to a child's "stage" or level of development.

Miley Cyrus broke out her best thigh-high "fuck me" boots and writhed around onstage for a bunch of kids at the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation "A Time For Heroes" celebrity carnival this weekend. Maybe it doesn't sound like an appropriate performance for young children to be watching, but considering that her opening act was a woman who had a very interesting way of shooting ping-pong balls out into the audience; it really wasn't so bad in comparison.

Paris Hilton is fending off the claims of a Vegas stripper who says that back in the day the two put on a little show together in which there may or may not have been lesbianism involved, and overall whoriness ensued. Do tell!

“[Hilton] flew down to Vegas,” Mark Ebner reports Elizabeth Jawhary as saying on HollywoodInterrupted.com. “We partied pretty hard.”

According to Jawhary, some Hollywood players would “pay for girl-on-girl action. I’d be there. And they’d pay to watch.” Jawhary alleges that, on at least one night, Paris joined in.

“Paris got naked, and the girls would get naked,” she claims. She says the guys would pay her $5,000 for a private show, though she never saw Paris accept any money, according to Ebner, author of “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.”

A rep for Hilton tells us that claims that the heiress was involved in any such adventure are “totally untrue and a complete fabrication.” (Source)

So basically, it's the word of Paris Hilton versus the word of a washed-up Vegas stripper looking to make a quick buck as to whether or not Paris Hilton acted like a whore one time. Um, is there such a thing as too much credibility? The only way her story could be more solid is if it were about bears and how they like to crap in woods.

Out in NYC with a ratty-ass weave and douchey-ass boyfriend last week:

I never thought there would ever be a reason to actually watch the Tony Awards, but during last night's show something very, very special happened that is making me reevaluate this Broadway musical awards show-loathing stance of mine. Following a rousing performance of "Nothin' But a Good Time," Bret Michaels got clothes-lined by a piece of the scenery and it was truly a thing of beauty. My recommended Bret-Michaels-getting-clothes-lined-by-a-piece-of-scenery viewing position is to just hover your cursor around that 10-second mark and replay to your heart's desire. Apparently my heart's desire is approxmately two-hundred times.

Side note: What was Bret Michaels doing at the Tony awards anyway? Are they adapting "Rock of Love: Skank Bus" for the stage? I guess it wouldn't be the dumbest broadway adaptation idea ever, Grey Gardens.

NBC is denying any wrongdoing after Heidi Montag was rushed to the hospital this weekend after she and Spencer Pratt were subjected to fourteen hours in "The Lost Chamber" on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!" Keep in mind that last week NBC Vice President Paul Telegdy did basically vow revenge on the two for all their shit-pulling. Spencer's sister, Stephanie Pratt gave the scoop to E! News:

"She was throwing up 30 times with nothing in her stomach," Stephanie said. "She was really sick. She thought she was dying….I know they pulled such shitty antics," she said. "But being treated like criminals or terrorists? It's insane!" (Source)

You know, I don't want to be the one to say it, but if you think about it Heidi and Spencer kind of are like, well ... "Terrorists." Just because someone isn't wearing a turban and blowing up buildings all over the place doesn't mean that their very existence can't strike fear into the hearts of millions and stand for everything against the American way of life.

More of Stephanie Pratt, who wasn't too worried about her sister-in-law's condition to miss the A Time For Heroes "Celebrity Carnival" this weekend:

Here's a list of the Best Acting Performances of the Decade. You better fucking believe Heath Ledger is in there. (Pajiba)

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long still hold the title of "Most annoying hipster couple". (Yeeeah!)

For those of you who want to see teenagers buy it in 3-D...Well, you're kinda weird, but this ought to fill you with glee! (Seriously? OMG!)

Bar Rafaeli is in GQ. You probably don't know who she is, but chances are you'll be sick of her soon enough. (The Blemish)

Shia Laboeuf is winning over Megan Fox, because apparently, she has a thing for douchebags with weird faces. (Celebitchy)

Who the fuck wouldn't want James Franco as a commencement speaker? These people are obviously completely out of their gourds. (HollyWire)

Chris Pine dumped Audrina Patridge after realizing he was DATING AUDRINA PATRIDGE. (Celebslam)

It's been 24 hours since news of David Carradine death. Time for shameless speculation! You're up first, TMZ. (CelebSmack)

What in the fuck is up with Gwyneth Paltrow's legs? I guess that's what GOOP is...*Hork!* (Lainey Goss)

Kylie Minogue is fucking awesome, and anyone who says otherwise is a puppy raper. (usemycomputer)

Aw, crap. It looks like The Controversy that is Oprah's love of shitballs insane medical advice is about to hit the fan. After Newsweek published an article blasting Oprah for embracing unsafe and untested medical practices, The Queen of the Cat Ladies stepped in to offer her input.

"For 23 years, my show has presented thousands of topics that reflect the human experience, including doctors' medical advice and personal health stories that have prompted conversations between our audience members and their health care providers," Winfrey says in her statement.

"I trust the viewers, and I know that they are smart and discerning enough to seek out medical opinions to determine what may be best for them." (Source)

Does anyone else see this as something of a Red Herring? I mean, if someone is willing to try a possibly dangerous medical procedure after seeing it on TV, that's just Darwinism right there. But in all seriousness, if you're going to trust someone with your health, go with the one who spent eleven years training to treat you instead of that chick who hosted Singled Out.

Here's Queen Oprah at the Women in Entertainment Power 100 Breakfast:

Oh look, George Clooney is totally giving it to a new girl. Shocking, I know. The surprising thing here is that he and cocktail waitress Lucy Wovert have been together for two months, which trumps his previous record of sixteen minutes and fourty-one seconds. Spiffy.

The pair reportedly got together while Clooney, 48, was filming his new movie Up In The Air and have been quietly dating ever since.

Days before jetting home to Los Angeles, he invited the aspiring model to spend the night at his luxury hotel suite after dinner with friends. 

Wolvert, 23, was spotted leaving the private bungalow at 11am the next day still dressed in the short, black dress she wore the previous night. (Source)

Ummm...Yeah, great job, I guess. You managed to actually remember her name the morning after. Congrats. Although Lucy may want to consider getting herself tested or something, considering that Clooney has seen more celebrity vagina than a Hollywood O.B.G.Y.N.

Here's Captain Herp at a screening of Good Night, and Good Luck in Washington:

NBC Vice President of alternate programming Paul Telegdy is apparently pissed after having to make an emergency trip to Costa Rica to deal with Heidi and Spencer's shit on "I'm a Celebrity..." and is now calling them out on it. He actually says that they're "everything that's wrong with America." No really, he actually said those words:

"They are everything that's wrong with America...they are insincere, lazy, entitled and they claim the devil has possessed them," Telegdy fumes to Ryan Seacrest. "They are back [on the show] and this time they are contrite...yeah right. What they don't realize is that they are now going to be examined and their value system utterly deconstructed."

"They are going to spend the night somewhere in isolation and guarded with lots of surprises...but not traditional reality [stunts]," he reveals. "These people really are going to bare their souls." (Source)

This is fantastic. I'm going to go ahead and assume that when he says "bare their souls" he really means "bare their innards" after they "accidentally" have a run in with a large, fanged jungle cat that just "happened" to get out of its cage and "for some reason" smelled the raw bacon that had "mysteriously" found its way into Heidi and Spencer's packs. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure excessive use of quotation marks can't be used as evidence in a third-degree murder trials.

Poor John Stamos. He lost his job, his supermodel wife, and now he's lost his damn mind. He says he's "conceptualizing" a big screen version of "Full House" which is set to take place in the first few years of the series, and good news! He's already got a cast picked out and everything.

The former “ER” doc votes for James Franco to reprise Stamos’ role as Jesse Katsopolis. “I see Steve Carell as [Bob Saget’s character] Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as [Dave Coulier’s] Joey Gladstone because he’s funny,” he added. (Source)

Now, it's not that Hollywood is above making really stupid decisions. (Oh, and click here, too. And here!) It's just that James Franco is too busy starring in Oscar-winning films and Steve Carell and Tracy Morgan are both enjoying success in sitcoms that weren't not funny the first time around. Maybe he should shoot a little lower. Like a big screen adaptation of the guy who played drums in that Beach Boys video.

Because John Stamos is boring, here's Mini-Osbourne at the premiere of The Hangover:

Mouthful: (Noun) A quantity of food or drink that fills or can be put into the mouth.

Audrina Patride has taken over burger whore responsibilities from Paris Hilton in Carl's Jr. new campaign for their Teriyaki Six Dollar Burger. In the spots, she lies on a beach in a gold bikini and shoves an inordinate amount of meat down her throat. So you know, business as usual for Audrina. She tells People:

"I had an absolute blast shooting. It was my first experience shooting a spot with food, and when I pulled up, I was literally salivating looking at all the rows and rows of perfect burgers waiting for me!" she recalls of the sandwich, available at Carl's Jr. on June 24, the same day that the TV spot launches.

"I was cracking up because I would take a bite, and almost immediately a food handler with white gloves would have a brand new burger ready." (Source)

See now, this is precisely why other countries hate us. Just one of those burgers could have probably fed a poor Nigerian family for a week. Well either that or they could just have Audrina, sell her into prostitution slavery and never go hungry again. "Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day."

Burger Whore at the premiere of The Hangover:

I'm sure you've probably heard about this already, but David Carradine was reportedly found dead in his hotel room in Bangkok of suicide. Our best wishes to his friends and family. (Pajiba)

I'm sure this must come as a shock to all of you, but those rumors in The National Enquirer about Brangelina splitting? Not true. (The Blemish)

I'm not sure if Cameron Diaz wants to save the planet or blow it up...(Agent Bedhead)

Jimmy Kimmel plays Bingo with Old People, then raps with Eminem. Word. (Seriously? OMG!)

Megan Fox looks and acts like a blow-up doll full of stupid. (Yeeeah!)

The only thing Robert Pattinson and Jude Law have in common is that they're both British an greasy. (Celebitchy)

It's official: Christina Aguilera has finally completed her transformation into Pennywise from It. (IDWYL)

Have you ever wanted the opportunity to suck on Daniel Craig? Well today is sort of your lucky day! (CelebWarship)

Holy shit, LeAnn Rimes is a crazy stalker! ...Who the fuck is LeAnn Rimes again? (BricksAndStones)

Oh my God, you can't even see Kelly Clarkson's ribcage through her skin! What a fatass! (POTP)

Halle Berry and her boobs looking super sexy during a shoot. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

Brooke Hogan went on Howard Stern this week and gave a barf-inducing interview that included such delightful topics as Brooke's virginity, Brooke's fake tits, Brooke's Chicken Little Boyfriend "$tacks" (above) and worst of all ... cringe ... Brooke's nether regions. Just go ahead and grab your trashcan now.

Howard wondered if Brooke was no longer a virgin, and Brooke half-confirmed it, using a Spring Break-type phrase: “I’m totally legal and living regal.” Brooke added that she actually lost her virginity to a guy who was on a few episodes of the old “Hogan Knows Best” show - and, on the new season of “Brooke knows Best,” will kiss a girl: “Her name was Daniela…she had, like, buzzed hair. She was kinda butch.”

Howard wondered why Brooke has denied reports that she has fake boobs, but Brooke claimed she hadn’t: “I’ve never said that - I just never commented…my boobs are fake.” Brooke said she just didn’t like the shape of her natural breasts: “I wanted them more rounded…I like them [now]. They definitely look pretty. But I didn’t need them.”

Howard asked if she’s fully shaven. Brooke said ”Who wants a bush?” She said she likes hairy men but she likes to be clean down there. (Source)

Well of course Brooke has to be clean shaven down there. Otherwise the pubes would get stuck in all that tape and I imagine that would be a very painful situation. Oh yeah ... Zing!!!

Brooke at Pure for her 21st birthday: (I still can't believe it either)

Yesterday there were reports that Ashlee Simpson got sloppity slop drunk at Activision's "DJ Hero" party Monday night, and things just got decidedly juicier. Someone leaked to Perez Hilton that in a drunken rampage Ashlee tried to pick a fight with Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. Things supposedly started out pleasantly enough but soon went downhill:

But then Simpson started drinking. "Things got out of control," an insider was quoted. An increasingly loud Simpson began to give Wentz a lap dance while staring directly at Michelle and hurling insults at her. "She was grinding up on Pete like a stripper. It was actually pretty disgusting," a witness told the Web site.

Things reached a climax when Simpson screamed at a confused Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was [bleep]ing him!"

A bystander dragged Simpson away from Trachtenberg, who once starred in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," while Wentz looked mortified. (Source)

Oh snap! In your face bitch. "My husband totally didn't like me enough to stop banging you when he started banging me." With insults that snappy, I don't know where all these petty insecurities she has are stemming from.

Former "Dawson's Creek" show runner Tom Kapinos spoke last night at a Los Angeles Times Emmy screening panel about "Californication," which he's currently involved with, and had some less than flattering things to say about his former series and its stars.

"The experience was miserable," he continued about Dawson's. "But it was a four-year boot camp. It was like going to TV grad school and learning how to run a television show. Anybody on that show who could make a decision was allowed to run it at some point. I inherited the very awkward college years, and I almost ran the show into the ground. But I learned everything that I needed to know about how to run a show."

When the panel moderator asked, "What was it specifically that made it such a challenge?" Tom dropped this bomb: "It was the four monstrous actors at the core of it." (Source)

OK, so maybe he didn't technically name Katie Holmes by name, but I think we all know who he's really talking about. I mean, everyone loves Michelle Williams and everyone already knows Dawson sucks and who was that other guy, even. I think he might be dead. So to cut through the so-called "business jargon," I think the rough translation of what he was saying goes something like: "Katie Holmes is a shitty actress, thoroughly unpleasant in every regard, and oh yeah, she also smells. The end."

More of monstrous Kate acting all important or some shit at the PBS National Memorial Day Concert:

Meet Noah Cyrus. She's Miley Cyrus' nine-year-old sister, because, oh God, it is never going to end. In this clip taken from "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" actress Brittany Curran's 19th birthday this week, Noah makes it clear that she's as fame hungry, if not hungrier than her sister. Don't let her tender age fool you, folks. If you thought Miley was bad, Noah is like Miley Cyrus crossed with a crackhead, a prostitute, JonBenet Ramsey and the Tasmanian Devil. It's terrifying, to say the least. What have you wrought upon us, Billy Ray? What in God's name have you done??

Aw, here's some sad news to start off the day. Christina Ricci and her fiance Benjamin Owen, pictured above, have reportedly called it quits.

"They remain good friends and are still talking a lot," the friend tells Us.

Ricci's rep has no comment.

The duo -- who will appear together in the movie All's Faire in Love -- first stepped out as a couple last November. (Source)

Still no word on exactly what caused the split, but insiders speculate that Christina's vagina finally gave way and broke clear in half. I mean seriously? OUCH. That's like a chihuahua doing it with a rottweiler.

Back in March sporting a fresh engagement ring and denim tuxedo:

I reviewed "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!"for Pajiba, a.k.a. "The Reason for My Astonishing Lack of Social Life for the Next Three Weeks." (Pajiba)

This just in: Ashlee Simpson is an anorexic drunk. Read all about it! (Celebitchy)

Miranda Kerr gets all nakey for Rolling Stone. (The Blemish)

Dear God, can Betty White please just live forever? Take Spencer Pratt instead. xoxo, Stacey. (Seriously? OMG!)

The National Enquirer says that Brangelina split up. Nice try, but they probably didn't. (Celebslam)

Anne Hathaway makes Casper look tan in comparison. (Yeeeah!)

Adam Lambert was seen holding hands with an unidentified male. OMG U GUYZ DO U THINK HES GAY?!?!?!?!!111 (CelebSmack)

Ashley Olsen and Mini-Osbourne also attended the premiere of The Hangover last night. (Lainey Goss)

Here is Joe Jonas doing a lip sync and dance to Beyonce's "Single Ladies," and it's kind of one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in my LIFE. Seriously? First "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" and now this? Somebody out there obviously loves me. And you know, I finally think I'm starting to get the sex appeal of the Jonaseses. Maybe I should install a stripper pole in my bedroom and start having my boyfriend work the pole to the Pussycats Dolls from now on before we do intercourse. That would be the hottest thing ever.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch this clip on a loop for the rest of the day now.

Heather Graham attended The Hangover premiere last night, since she's in the movie or whatever, and at some point her boobs realized they were in a dress that looks like it cost $28 and came from the DEB shop and tried to make a break for it. I never before thought it was actually possible for cleavage to have a muffin top, but I guess that's why they say America is the land of "endless possibilities." Or is that "opportunities?" Either way, what an amazing age we live in.

Melissa Joan Hart was overheard saying last week that she hoped Farrah Fawcett would pull through. Aww, how nice of her. It's OK if she dies now, though, because MJH's issue of People is safely on the newsstands. Yep, you heard that right.

The former "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" star was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she'd been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn't die -- and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine. Hart is on this week's cover posing in a bikini after recently losing 42 pounds. Hart appeared on KTLA to promote her new ice cream and candy store. (Source)

Is that really so bad, though? I mean personally, I hope no celebrities overdose with a hooker in a hotel room the week that Melissa Joan Hart yo-yo diets herself back into a size 14 from eating ice cream out of a trough at her new ice cream shop and some paparazzi catches her in a swimsuit so she can make the cover of Star magazine. Does that make me a bad person? Well then sirs, I guess I am just a bad person then.

Sabrina the Teenage Bitch and her happy family at the Up premiere:

Samantha Ronson, who is still supposedly broken up with Lindsay Lohan, arrived in London earlier this week for a string of DJ'ing gigs. So guess who just happened to show up in town two days later in a hotel right near Samantha's? It wasn't Oscar the Grouch, I'll tell you that much -- although it does look like it sleeps in a trash can...

Their appearance in the same city as the same time may not be such a coincidence though, after Lindsay was said to have organised photo shoots and club appearances to coincide with Samantha's visit.

After arriving from France on Tuesday afternoon, the 22-year-old actress checked into the Blakes Hotel in South Kensington - just down the road from Samantha's hotel - before travelling up to north London for a photo shoot. (Source)

I guess "international stalking" is just one of the problems that comes with dating a high-profile lesbian. That, and that they're always borrowing your favorite porkpie hat. God, what a bitch that can be.

Stalker McGee in Paris earlier this week:

Heidi and Spencer did quit "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here!" last night, as predicted, but now Spencer is twittering all this crap about how they made a mistake and are "praying to Jesus" that NBC forgives them.

But E! News has learned that, though the Pratts did leave the show's jungle set, they have scrapped plans—if there ever were any plans at all—to fly back to Los Angeles tonight and they are planning a dramatic return on Wednesday's episode.

"The devil fooled speidi in to making an awful decision and we are praying to Jesus to get NBC to give us another shot to redeem," Spencer tweeted tonight. (Source)

Of course NBC is going to forgive them, because that's the Christian thing to do. Oh, and also that they like ratings. Did I mention ratings? If there's even a remote chance that Spencer Pratt could get stung by a mosquito the size of a cat and have his his throat swell up, suffocating him to death on live TV, people are going to watch no matter what. The only thing that could possibly garner more ratings on American television would be a live action version of "Duck Hunt" starring Osama Bin Laden.

Here's a list of the 11 Worst Music Artists of the Aughts, with more suck than an army of rogue Roombas. (Pajiba)

Even Ryan Reynolds' face has the power to make your panties burst into flame. (Seriously? OMG!)

Beth Ditto thinks Katy Perry is offensive to gay culture, when in fact, she's pretty much offensive to all of them. (Yeeeah!)

I love Anne Hathaway and all, but seriously? A tan wouldn't kill ya, sweetheart. (The Blemish)

Robert Pattinson is totally crushing on Kristen Stewart. No, this is not your 14-year old sister's fanfic. (Celebitchy)

Lauren Conrad thinks Kristin Cavallari is very opiniated. And by "Opiniated", she means "Stupid, spoiled and dickish". (BricksAndStones)

You know it's a slow news day when Kate Hudson dyeing her hair is considered noteworthy. (CelebWarship)

Blones or Brunettes? Personally, I find Mila Kunis to be the absolute hotness. (IDWYL)

Christian Bale is not a model, and he will not shut the fuck up until you know it. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennifer Hudson is pregnant! Awesome! Who wants a high-five? (POTP)

Oh Godtopus, do people still actually want to be Paris Hilton's friend? Christ that's sad. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

It's been awhile since we've had a good Suri Cruise sighting, so here she is with Katie Holmes out in Los Angeles yesterday precociously eating a chocolate croissant and getting it all over her face. Seriously, she is so freaking ridiculously cute that if she was holding a freshly killed bunny rabbit instead of a criossant and that chocolate all over her face was replaced with blood it would literally be almost no less cute.

After only the first episode, in which they threatened to walk off twice, it's been reported that Spencer and Heidi quit "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" following last night's show. Apparently it was all just a little too "real" for them.

A well-placed source who works on the Costa Rican production of the show tells TMZ just before quitting the show, Spencer screamed at producers, "If you give me a script, I'll do what you want. I'm not a reality star. I'm on 'The Hills.'"

Spencer clarified with the following: "I'm a TV producer and a character."

Spencer Pratt the character and Spencer Pratt the reality TV star could not be reached for comment. (Source)

Oh, by the way, spoiler alert! It looks like "The Hills" is actually fake after all. I'm sure no one at MTV will be upset with that little slip-up. And just to clarify: Steven Spielberg is a producer, Garfield the Cat is a character, and Spencer Pratt is just some asshole who's got a big, black empty hole where his soul should be, so much so that he can't even act like himself on command.

Just for fun, here's Spencer's video for "I'm a Celebrity," which I am 99% sure is not affiliated with the show whatsoever, after the jump:

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, went on L.A.'s Johnjay and Rich" show to deny engagement rumors after the two were allegedly spotted shopping in a Las Vegas jewelry shop. And even though they're not yet engaged, since they've been together all of two months now Jennifer was very clear in letting him know that she expects to be in the very near future.

When her boyfriend heard the engagement reports, "the poor guy was on fire," she went on. "He was like, 'No, no, no. That's not true!'"

Added the actress, "I was like, 'God, would that be the worst thing in the world?! Excuse me, but just for a second, there's a line of people who would probably be OK with that [rumor].'"

Kennedy said he didn't mean to upset his girlfriend. "The thing is, people asked me, 'Are you engaged?' And I just said, 'No, not that the moment, I'd be a very lucky man,'" he said. "And she got mad at me!"

Kennedy then asked Hewitt for a proposal timeline. Replied Hewitt, "A timeline? By this time next year, if we're not planning something, then there's a situation." (Source)

If I were Jamie Kennedy I would do good to remind Jennifer Love Hewitt that she was engaged at this time last year. And then I'd tell her to make me a sandwich while she was still standing there stunned with her mouth gaping open. When it comes to ridiculously needy, overly insecure women, I hear you just gotta show 'em who's boss. Just like dogs.

Out shopping in New York last month:

Well what do you know, it turns out Eminem actually does have a sense of humor after all. I'm assuming he had to search it out from some mysterious tomb on the far ends of the Earth and that's where he's been the past few years; but according to sources with MTV, he was more or less a completely willing participant in Sacha Baron Cohen's stunt. But what people didn't know was that Eminem wasn't even his first choice:

A second insider also confirms that Eminem was actually Burnett's second choice. The first? Heiress Paris Hilton, who, luckily for her, declined to participate (probably because she was on a date with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt!). "Paris is quite happy she turned down the offer," the insider tells Life & Style. (Source)

So Paris Hilton has a problem with taking balls to the face. I feel like there's a really obvious joke to be made here. Like the only person on this Earth who takes more balls to the face is Stevie Wonder's caddy. Zing!! Oh yeah, still got it.

More of Ol' Ball Face arriving for her 85th Letterman appearance last night:

The red band trailer for The Hangover is out now, and it has a baby jacking it at the dinner table. Fuuuuuun. (Pajiba)

Is it just me, or is Kate Gosselin turning into The Beldam from Coraline? It would certainly explain a lot... (Yeeeah!)

Would someone please explain to me who Leighton Meester is and what the fuck she's wearing? (The Blemish)

Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes are just too adorable for words. (Seriously? OMG!)

In case you're wondering, yes, Mel Gibson is still a psychotic, hypocritical fuckstain. (Celebitchy)

Emmanuelle Chriqui looking equal parts sexy and cute at the Burberry Event in New York. (Celebslam)

Ever wanted to hear Gordon Ramsay swear at you with the push of a button? Well now you can! (omg blog)

Kim Kardashian wants a $20 million engagement ring from Reggie Bush. You're not exactly making a compelling case for yourself here, Kim. (CelebSmack)

Here's Gisele Bundchen wearing a bikini. Surprised? (usemycomputer)

As much as I hate Twilight, is it weird that I kinda find Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson kinda endearing? (Lainey Goss)

Here's a recap from The Hills. What do you want from me, it's a slow news day here! (IBBB)

Mel B. hosted the Us Weekly "Hot Bodies Pool Party" with her husband Stephen Belafonte this weekend, and now I think I know why they called her Scary Spice. Seriously, the only time you normally see women looking like this is in comic books and other assorted depictions of the female anatomy from the minds of nerds. Well here it is in real life. Not so sexy now, is it nerds? I hope you're all happy with yourselves.

Pete Wentz's Manhattan bar which he co-owns with members of Gym Class Heroes and Cobra Starship, Angels and Kings, has been closed down by the New York City police department for allegedly serving alcohol to minors. Like actual adults would go to Pete Wentz's bar anyway.

Celebrity website Gawker.com is reporting Angels and Kings was closed by the New York Police Department. The site has also posted photographs of the venue's front door, which has been plastered with a police notice which states the bar has been "closed by court order" over the "illegal sale of alcoholic beverages to minors".

But the bar's website reports the venue is currently shut for "maintenance work". (Source)

I love how Pete Wentz is so good at bending the truth. "My bar's been closed down for maintenance work." "I like wearing womens' underwear because it's more comfortable." "I got married to a woman because I like putting my penis in her vagina." What tall tale will you spin next, Pete Wentz?

Pinocchio and that douche from Blink 182 selling tickets for an upcoming Blink 182 concert:

That Katy Perry is such a card. She performed at the MTV Video Music Awards Japan this weekend wearing an outfit with sushi all over it. How, uh ... Culturally relevant of her. I can't wait til she performs in Mexico with tacos stapled all over her entire body and in Germany when she wears a dress made out of Bratwurst.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are appearing on the show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" which premieres tonight, and it seems they took the title a bit too literally. No, not the part about them actually being "celebrities" -- the part where they want out. Supposedly the two tried to quit on the first day.

"They wanted to be treated like stars," a high-level source on the series tells E! News' Ryan Seacrest. "[Spencer] literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan."

The two refused to eat the same food as the rest of the cast, and complained about being teamed with low-wattage stars, among them former model/reality show queen Janice Dickinson, actors Stephen Baldwin and Lou Diamond Phillips, former NBA star John Salley and American Idol castoff Sanjaya Malakar. (Source)

The saddest part about this is Lou Diamond Phillips. You know poor La Bamba probably just wants to pay his mortgage or whatever, and he's got to deal with Frick and Frack whining their faces off like they've got ninety-two television and film credits to their name. Well, if it's any consolation maybe one of them will die from Malaria or something. I know I'll be tuning in.

Dumb and Dumberer at the T-Mobile Sidekick LX launch last month:

At the MTV Movies Awards last night, Eminem literally found himself the butt of Sacha Baron Cohen's joke when, as dressed as his Bruno character, was lowered down from the ceiling into Eminem's lap giving him a bare assplant in the face. Naturally, Em handled the situation with aplomb and humor:

"Are you serious?" a visibly upset Eminem yelped. "Get the ****** off me!" "Nice to meet you," Cohen replied.

Eminem's bodyguards then proceeded to pull Cohen off the rapper. "Hey, don't touch me! I've already got a boyfriend!" he yelled.

It is not yet known if the rapper was in on the joke. But once Cohen was off Eminem, the rapper jumped up and stormed out of the theater with his bodyguards, as Zac Efron was named the winner of the category. (Source)

Well of course he was in on the joke. You can tell by the way he stormed out and never came back. What, did you expect him to do, participate in some sort of scripted dialogue interaction? Please. That would be a little "broad" if you ask me. I guess you could say Eminem's sense of humor is just a bit more Andy Kaufman-esque than that.

More of Sacha Baron Cohen being "hilarious" at the MTV Movie Awards: