Oh. My. God. (Celebslam)

Robert Rodriquez is working on a Predator "reboot." Because I guess somebody had to do it. (Pajiba)

Amy Winehouse's London apartment was robbed while she sits down in St. Lucia playing naked Scrabble and drinking out of peoples' cocktails. (Yeeeah!)

Pete Wentz wants his say on Jessica Simpson Fat Watch. (The Blemish)

Vanilla Ice made a cover CD of classic rap songs. Why did I not know about this either?!(Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan lost a film role to Amanda Seyfried. Well of course she did, unless the movie is I Know Who Killed Me 2. (Celebitchy)

Tom Cruise has finally been romantically linked to the leader of Scientology. (Agent Bedhead)

Renee Zellweger looking statuesque and lemon-faced as usual. (CelebSmack)

Tons of photos from the Fendi show at Milan's fashion week. (usemycomputer)

Angelina Jolie finally shoots and scores at a press conference in Tokoyo. (Lainey Goss)

I don't think I would actually mind wearing a blow-up doll jacket. (omg blog)

Yee-haw: (Exclamation) An expression of enthusiasm or exuberance, typically associated with rural inhabitants of the southern U.S.

You all know how much I hate the Hogan family, and how much it would sadden me for anything good to happen to any of them. So unfortunately I have to report that Brooke Hogan has finally scored a high-profile gig... Wrestling at the Florida State Fair!!! Pssssyche!!!

Wilson Media tells tbt* and The Juice* that the deal is "90 percent done," but Hogan is "due to wrestle" Rick Flair's son in a circus tent after the last show of the day by Circus Hollywood. Now that shows some promise. (Source)

I love that "Brooke Hogan" and "circus tent" are finally being uttered together in the same sentence. Never have two things been more destined to go together since peanut butter met jelly. On a side note, I wonder what a sweet gig like that pays? Aside from the obvious prestige, of course.

More of the family freak show driving around Ocean Drive in a miniature Cadillac Escalade:

Broke-Down: (Adjective) Worn out and dilapidated by age, use, or ill-treatment.

Ali Lohan took part in a photo shoot in Times Square yesterday wearing only a skimpy gown in the middle of effing January. But more importantly, judging by these pictures it looks like she's got a nasty case of Poshboobitis, the condition which makes your tits look like a couple of large grapefruits stapled to your chest, as popularized by Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. As far as I know there's still only one way of contracting Poshboobitis, and it still involves having your boobs sliced open and filled with a whole bunch of saline or some shit.

Which kind of begs the question, why does a 15-year-old girl have large breast implants already? Well, it would beg the question, anyway, because the only way you'll convince me that this chick is actually fifteen is if you cut her in half and count the rings.

Artificial: (Adjective) Made or produced by human beings rather than occurring naturally.

Damns! With all the plastic and synthetic materials in this picture, you could literally build an entire village for orphans in Africa. Of course, it wouldn't be a very good village, because all the homes in it would have squishy collagen walls and ceilings that would leak chemicals on you while you slept. But I guess that's why they say beggars shouldn't be choosers, right? Stupid picky orphans.

More of Trout Mouth and Silly Putty Face at the Byron & Tracey Salon party:

Triumph: (Noun) The state of being victorious or successful.

Jessica Simpson performed in Virginia last night where she opened for shitty pop country band Rascal Flatts; miraculously and gracefully keeping her head held high amidst the current speculation over her sudden affliction with being totally fat.

Clad in black leather pants, a hip-length black blazer and silver go-go heels, Simpson, 28, hit the stage promptly at 8:01 p.m. and performed a 40-minute set, opening with "These Boots" before introducing the tune, "Still Beautiful."

"This song is off my new record... and it's about finding the beauty in life, no matter what happens," she told the audience at the University of Virginia's John Paul Jones Arena, where she performed with Rascal Flatts. Simpson later added, "Always remember that someone out there has it worse than you." (Source)

It's always heartwarming to hear a story of someone who overcomes the odds and prevails over adversity. Now that Jessica Simpson has conquered the naysayers and performed despite her crippling obesity, maybe now she can get back to focusing on her so-called career. I mean, does she even have one anymore? She's opening for Rascal motherfucking Flatts, for chrissakes.

Dog: (Noun) A despicable man or youth.

John Mayer was spotted in a Santa Monica restaurant earlier this week on an "intimate date" with with an attractive blond; although no one really knows if he and Jennifer Aniston are still together or not.

While the two keep their romance under wraps, John couldn’t hold back his feelings for her when saying goodbye. “He gave her a long kiss before they left,” adds the insider. “John has been here six times in the last two weeks but never with Jen." (Source)

So basically, he was either blatantly cheating on her or they broke up and he's just rubbing it in her face. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's relationship is like a Rubik's Cube covered in Secret Sauce to me. But one thing I can always count on is for John Mayer to uphold his fine tradition of being a total fucking douchebag.

Mayeristoner out in NYC last month:

You don't get many John Cusack retrospectives with alcohol pairings. (Pajiba)

It's Paris Hilton's tits! Again! What a surprise! (Yeeeah!)

Michael Cera is going to do Arrested Development whether we have to chain him up and yell "Act, you whiny bitch!" at him. (The Blemish)

Angelina Jolie is like the Kriss Kross of actresses. Oh yeah I did just throw in a Kriss Kross reference! Word! (Seriously? OMG!)

Ashton Kutcher has taken to YouTube and Twitter to bitch about his neighbors. Mature! (Celebitchy)

Because you can never get enough Beckham butt. David Beckham, anyway. (cityrag)

More on Kelly Osbourne's entrance into rehab. Spoiler alert: it's because she's an overall spoiled little fuck-up! (CelebWarship)

That Hasslebeck bitch is knocked up again! (POTP)

See Megan Fox before she was "hot" and only "kinda hot." (Popoholic)

Here's a list of the Top 100 TV shows of the past 20 years. "Supernatural" made it! (BuddyTV)

Brave Face: (Phrase) Act as if something unpleasant or upsetting is not as bad as it really is.

Breaking!!! Us Weekly is reporting that Jessica Simpson has actually "stepped out" and left her home after receiving a public shaming for her overwhelming fatness.

Bundled up in a gray jacket, dark sunglasses and a hat, the usually bubbly 28-year-old singer -- who is set to perform with Rascal Flatts today at the John Paul Jones Arena in Charlottesville -- looked solemn. (Source)

No word yet on whether or not the Earth's surface actually cracked and formed lesions, buckling under the burden of her enormous girth; and we're still waiting to hear back from seismologists to see if her activity was recorded on the Richter scale. Stay tuned!

Lunatic: (Noun) A mentally ill person.

I don't usually cover Lindsay Lohan's family drama because her dad is fucking insane, but it's a slow news day so what the heck. In this latest chapter, Michael Lohan has once again taken to his blog to tell the world how evil Samantha Ronson is.

“I am asking everyone out their [sic] to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SamMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life. Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.” (Source)

What "gifts" is he talking about? Her vagina? In all seriousness though, there's self-righteousness and then there's self-righteousness that makes you go out and kill a bunch of homeless people because God spoke to you through the teapot and told you to. I'll give you one guess which kind this is. All I'm saying is it wouldn't be a bad idea for Samantha Ronson to carry a high-voltage taser on her at all times.

Lindsay with sister Ali shopping last week:

Cred: (Noun) Acceptability among young black urban residents.

Spencer Pratt apparently hosted a birthday party for some rapper named "Ya-Boy!" last night. Admittedly, I know jack shit about rap music, but I'm guessing that "Ya-Boy!" here probably isn't a very good rapper if Spencer Pratt is throwing his birthday party. Surely that's even worse than carrying an unloaded concealed firearm as far as rapper faux pas' go. Spencer on the other hand, is clearly just elated that he finally knows a black person.

Funny: (Adjective) Causing laughter or amusement; humorous.

Today in "Everybody Hates Carlos Mencia News," everybody still hates Carlos Mencia! Surprise! This time in particular, Mencia was dropped as headliner for a Spanish-language school fund raiser after school officials realized that his "humor" is pretty much always racist.

School superintendent Tim Cuneo told Post correspondent David Finnigan he dropped the show because of "issues regarding safety. There were veiled threats [of disruptions]." Serna claims Mencia isn't in touch with his Chicano/Mexican-American heritage and needs to "see his responsibility to his Latino audience. Mencia almost entirely relies on put-downs of Mexicans."

Mencia's flack, Howard Bragman, said: "Carlos tried to do a good thing and because of one guy's actions, the kids ultimately suffer." (Source)

Oh, nice "But think of the children!" act. I doubt the kids will suffer that much. How hard could it be to find another asshole who tells other people's jokes and makes "dur de dur" noises? In a pinch, I'm sure they could probably just use a kid from one of the school's special needs classes to stand in for Carlos Mencia.

Share and commiserate your crazy ex stories with others. (Pajiba)

Hey, she was right! Soccer really is SO fucking gay! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh... My God... Suddenly it all makes sense. (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse delights her fellow resort guests with topless Scrabble. (The Blemish)

Alyson Hannigan is the most radiant pregnant woman ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Aniston may have dumped John Mayer's sorry ass for good this time. (Celebitchy)

Britney Spears predictably has taken umbrage with K Fed's new girlfriend. (Celebslam)

Speaking of, here's more of Brit flaunting her sick new body. (CelebSmack)

Star magazine says that Tony Romo cheated on Jessica... In her own bed! NO! (popbytes)

Joaquin Phoenix is just making a big funny that no one gets because he's a smug asshole who probably really did just put a nail in the coffin of his career. (Lainey Goss)

Here's a recap of Stupid Spoiled Bitch's new "Hills" spin-off. (IBBB)

Disgrace: (Noun) Loss of reputation or respect.

I believe what we're seeing here is Chapter Two in "90210" star Shenae Grimes' eventual "E! True Hollywood Story." Also known as the chapter where she starts to resemble Slash from Guns N' Roses and generally look like an overall fucking mess. Stay tuned for Chapter Three when she stumbles out of a club with no underpants on; Chapter Four when her character gets killed off of "90210" and the thrilling conclusion in Chapter Five when she gets busted driving her car on the sidewalk with two grams of cocaine and an open bottle of Grey Goose in her possession. Don't miss it!

Pedophile: (Noun) A person who is sexually attracted to children.

Paris Hilton attended the Nokia 5800 launch in London last night and took the opportunity to get her whore on all over an underage boy; "Britain's Got Talent" star, 15-year-old George Sampson. In George's defense, though, there's no better fast track to full-fledged manhood than banging Paris Hilton. Killing a man with your bare hands, maybe. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say manhood? I actually meant "post traumatic stress disorder." Oopsie!

Decline: (Verb) To politely refuse an invitation or offer.

Jennifer Aniston has reportedly turned down the offer of a lifetime: $4 million to pose nude in Playboy. Yeah, I guess it's actually more of an "offer of a lifetime" if you're a Hooters® waitress living in a trailer park in a small town in Arizona.

Magazine boss Hugh Hefner reportedly approached the former Friends star after her recent photo shoot for GQ, in which she posed nude except for an appropriately placed necktie. According to the National Enquirer, Hefner tabled a bid that could have earned Aniston as much as $10 million, with rewards for high sales. (Source)

Please. Jennifer Aniston wipes her ass with $10 million dollars. She probably makes that in a year in "Friends" residuals alone. The only offer Jennifer Aniston wouldn't turn down Playboy for would be of one to throw battery acid in Angelina Jolie's face.

America's Sweetheart Hot Ass Body at Letterman last month:

Sacrilege: (Noun) Violation or misuse of what is regarded as sacred.

Nancy Cartwright, the stupid Scientologist cunt who voices Bart Simpson's on "The Simpsons," has officially gone too far. In the above clip, which a good Samaritan with a YouTube account purportedly found on his or her answering machine, Cartwright uses Bart Simpson's identity to cold call invites to a Hollywood Scientology event, saying "It's gonna be a blast, man!"

As terrible and henious as this is, I suppose there's still a bright side. After all, instead of belonging to a fucked up celebrity brainwashing cult, she could always be a child predator or something. Because trust me, that could turn out so much worse.

Support: (Verb) Bear all or part of the weight of; hold up.

Apparently the gossip community and world at large weren't the only ones taken aback by Jessica Simpson's recent weight gain, because none other than Ashlee Simpson is the latest to come out to attack her. Can you believe it? Her very own sister, for God's sake.

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News. (Source)

No wait... I read that wrong the first time. I totally thought she said: "I am completely disgusted by my sister's weight." Huh. I guess that makes more sense now. Boy is my face red! Teach me to skim, right?

More of Ashlee and her Gay Monchichi on New Year's Eve:

The new X-Men movie is giving the people what they want: More Ryan Reynolds! (Pajiba)

Eliza Dushku will have the "Business Women's Special." (Popoholic)

Even though I'm late by a day, here's your complete SAG Awards fashion round-up. (Yeeeah!)

Evan Rachel Wood is getting it on with Mickey Rourke again. If that girl isn't the poster child for self-esteem I don't know who is. (The Blemish)

OH SNAP! John Mayer tries his hand at dissing Brad Pitt; fails miserably. (Seriously? OMG!)

Vogue claims that Sienna Miller is too "toothy." That's what he said! ZING!!! (Celebitchy)

OH HELL NO, I think I can see Lisa Rinna's beav. (Ayyyy!)

I think this for once and for all settles the argument about whether or not leggings are for assholes. (cityrag)

Amy Winehouse will do anything for love. (CelebWarship)

Lauren Conrad; Bearded Dude grab some coffee. (BricksAndStones)

Lindsay's eating disorder: totally cool. She ate like two whole times recently. (POTP)

I think I actually burned my corneas looking at these pictures. (HQ Celeb)

Avant-Garde: (Adjective) New and unusual or experimental ideas.

NO FAIR! Apparently it was National Stupid Sunglasses Day and nobody even told me. How rude. I guess those sweet Garfield sunglasses I found at a yard sale will just have to wait until next year. Hmph.

Headlights: (Noun) A powerful light at the front of a motor vehicle or railroad engine.

Oooh... Nice look there, Tommy. Nothing says "International Leading Man" better than a polo shirt with gratuitously visible nipplage showing through. Well, either "International Leading Man" or "High School Gym Teacher," anyway. Take your pick.

Worst: (Adjective) Of the poorest quality or the lowest standard.

I've been saying for ages now that The Jonas Brothers are the worst band ever, and now somebody finally agrees with me. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people agree with me but now it's officially official.

The Jonas Brothers, Fall Out Boy and Tokio Hotel have been nominated for Worst Band by the British NME Awards. Meanwhile, British rockers Oasis are the toast of the British music scene after landing seven nominations. (Source)

Not that I don't support their nomination wholeheartedly, (I really, really do) but I hope the NME Awards nominations committee knows full well what they've gotten themselves into. I've received death threats just for making fun of The Jonas Brothers' hair. God knows what kind of world of trouble this could buy someone. It wouldn't be a bad time to invest in a Pope Mobile, is all I'm saying, because getting torn apart by a angry mob of 13-year-old girls sounds worse than simultaneously being set on fire and drowning.

Tribe: (Noun) A social division in a traditional society consisting of people linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties; typically having a recognized leader.

Holy crap!!! The entire Brangelina family was spotted at an airport in Japan!! Even the baby Brangelinas! Do you even understand what this means? This is as rare and incredible as catching the Loch Ness monster getting to third base with Bigfoot.

Editor's note: I am still wrapping my head around the fact that Brad is wearing matching hats with boy twin, so I can't even comment further on that ridiculous adorableness.

Space Travel: (Noun) Travel through outer space.

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and his wife Majel Barrett Roddenberry are going boldly where no cremated remains have gone before: outer space! Wait, "going boldly" is a Star Trek thing, right? How the hell should I know? Do I look like a nerd to you? Anyway:

The couple's cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules designed to withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-launched spacecraft will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from fans. The Roddenberrys' remains _ and the spacecraft _ will travel ever deeper into space and will not return to earth, company spokeswoman Susan Schonfeld said. (Source)

Most people probably think that sounds eccentric, but I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your final resting place to coincide with your life's passion. I personally plan to have my cremated remains used to make a nice, oak-aged chardonnay which all of my friends and family will then be forced to drink at my funeral. Hey, it's still way less creepy than LifeGems®.

Never-Ending: (Adjective) Of something unpleasant having or seeming to have no end.

These are some rough times we're living in right now. But you know what would totally make everything better? Another fun movie about three ass-kicking, crime-fighting chicks! Yeah!!

"I'm so into it," Barrymore said while promoting her new star-filled romantic comedy, He's Just Not That Into You. "I’m so into it—Charlie's Angels III!"

"It's percolating up," said Nancy Juvonen, Barrymore's Flower Films producing partner. "It's rising to the surface." (Source)

With phrases like "percolating up" and "rising to the surface," why does it kind of sound like she's talking about a turd? Oh, right. Anyway, this had better not be just an elaborate ruse to quiet rumors about Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz hating each other. Can you think of how many literally tens of rabid Charlie's Angels fans would be crushed? This could be the single biggest letdown since the Spice Girls broke up.

Drew at the He's Just Not That Into You press conference:

Inkheart is worth it alone for the special effects: I hear Fraser's hair practically looks lifelike in it! (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan is riding the anorexic express again. Next stop, hair loss! Choo! (The Blemish)

Gene Simmons gets his product endorsement on. (Seriously? OMG!)

Rich, famous and beautiful Bijou Phillips thinks people who are depressed need to get over it. (Celebitchy)

The dude that Spencer Pratt punched is suing MTV. Haw-haw! (Celebslam)

Here's the Miss America swimsuit competition in its entirety. (Yeeeah!)

Either Rumer Willis is looking nine kids of hot or I'm drunk in the afternoon again. (CelebSmack)

Check out the new Roberto Cavalli line from Milan. (usemycomputer)

Grace Jones in all her crazy-fabulous glory. (popbytes)

I, on the other hand, do take pleasure in saying that Michael Cera's new movie bites it. Now quit bein' such an asshole and do the Arrested movie already. (Lainey Goss)

Classy: (Adjective) Stylish and sophisticated.

Paris Hilton took a tanning salon constitutional out in L.A. yesterday. And if you're wondering why she didn't use one of what is undoubtedly a fleet of her own personal tanning beds at home, it's because if she used a tanning bed at home she wouldn't have gotten to go out in public in a see-through shirt with no bra on and show everybody her tits. Ta-da! Paris Hilton logic.

Sketchy: (Adjective) Of something that doesn't sit quite right and causes unease.

I don't care if these people are holding toys, there is absolutely no way they should be allowed near children. Ever. If I had kids, I think I'd trust them with a lion with a shark taped to it's back before Lil' Jacko and Vegan Stripper Barbie, here.

Witticism: (Noun) A witty remark.

Katy Perry is such a joke. Oh, I mean Katy Perry told a joke. Sorry, knee-jerk reaction there. Yeah, so remember her celibacy vow? Pure humor. For some strange reason nobody got it.

"I am not going to be celibate," Perry, 24, said with a laugh during a conference call with reporters on Thursday. "That was a joke, and any fine journalist would have got that."

"Please," she now says, "celibacy for the whole year? I'd rather die." (Source)

So I take it that means we shouldn't get our hopes up on that vow of silence, either? But anyway, being that I'm one of those "journalists" (shut up) who reported on that story, I do believe that Katy Perry has just insulted my integrity. That's fine Katy, insult my integrity all you want; but last time I checked you're the one who had a conference call over what goes in and out of your vagina. Check and mate.

More of Kitty Purry's hilarious brand of hilarious humor:

Kiss-Ass: (Noun) A person showing an obsequious or sycophantic eagerness to please.

The SAG Awards were last night, and I didn't feel like covering the dresses like I usually do because I got in late this morning from my second job down at the docks. At any rate, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt showed up, and Angelina just barely managed to control her slobber while she talked about Brad to reporters on the red carpet.

"He's taught me a great deal and he's a wonderful man and a great father and one of the people... I admire most in the world because I know who he is every minute of every day. I think he's extraordinary." (Source)

Ugh, these two couldn't have their noses up each other's asses any more if they pulled down their pants and took turns giving each other rim jobs right there on the red carpet. Well Brad with the pants anyway; I guess Angelina would just have to pull aside her Gargamel cape or something. (Editor's note: Good to see she went with shapeless boring gown this time!)

Pork: (Noun) The flesh of a pig used as food, esp. when uncured.

The big news this morning is the triumphant return of Jessica Simpson at 99.9 Kiss Country's "24th Annual Chili Cook Off" in Florida. No one has really seen much of her lately, purportedly as she's been out on the road doing the competitive pie-eating circuit. From US Weekly:

In a 2007 interview with Harper's Bazaar, she recalled a conversation she had with pal Ken Paves. "Do you think the guys in here are all really looking at all those skinny girls and thinking, Wow, I want to get with her? Or are they looking at the girls with the curves and thinking, Yeah, I want to get with her!" Simpson said.

"Curves are better," Simpson added. "I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is." (Source)

Fuck the haters, I say good for her. Everybody always knew Jessica Simpson was a fat girl trapped in a skinny girl's body. And if there's one thing I've learned in life the hard way, it's to not try to be something that you aren't. Most people don't even realize that impersonating a police officer is actually a felony.

Here are the five hottest movie vampires. Robert Pattinson intentionally omitted. (Pajiba)

Shia LeBeouf brings new meaning to the word douchebag. (Yeeeah!)

Mariah Carey acted like a dick at Obama's Neighborhood Ball because she had to sit with the commoner celebrities. (The Blemish)

Let's all point and laugh as Courteney Cox shills for Tampax in 1985. (Seriously? OMG!)

Blossom's Mayim Bialik wants to get back into acting. Whoa! (Celebitchy)

I refuse to believe that Megan Fox and Zac "with a C" Efron were flirting. RE-FUSE. (Celebslam)

Robert Downey Jr. is keepin' it real. (Agent Bedhead)

Victoria Beckham looks like a sexbot in Russian Vogue. (CelebSmack)

More Dania Ramirez photos than you can shake a dick at. (usemycomputer)

Here's gratuitous Ryan Reynolds working out at the gym, because I love you all. (Lainey Goss)

Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog, separated at birth? (omg blog)

Retribution: (Noun) Punishment that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved.

A suspect has been apprehended in the robbery which took place at Paris Hilton's home last month where over $2 million in jewelry was stolen.

Troy Thomas, 45, is alleged to have masterminded more than 150 thefts in three years in the Los Angeles area, targeting celebrities including Hilton, Duran Duran guitarist James Taylor, and several movie studio bosses. (Source)

So this guy has been robbing rich people blind for years now and cops didn't get their asses on the ball until he wronged Paris Hilton? How insulting. I mean, yeah, insulting to the other people robbed but mostly insulting that the L.A.P.D. doesn't have anything better to do with their resources other than get Paris Hilton's stupid jewelry back. I mean, I know it's technically the fire department's job, but there must have been some cats stuck in trees they could have rescued instead. What a waste.

Wonmeister General promoting some crap in Tokoyo:

Dickhead: (Noun) A stupid, irritating, or competemptible person, particularly a man.

Now that everyone pretty much safely hates Jeremy Piven's arrogant guts, Page Six Magazine is running a story in Sunday's edition called "Is Jeremy Piven the Biggest Jerk in Showbiz?" According to the article, Piven attended a photo shoot for the magazine back in September and more or less acted like a huge diva.

At a September Page Six Magazine photo shoot to promote his starring role in the Broadway revival of Speed-the-Plow, the actor was in a foul mood. “This isn’t my first time on the merry-go-round,” he shot at a staffer who asked that he pose for a traditional headshot and make eye contact with the camera. “You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre.” He mocked the crew by grinning like he was posing for a DMV shot.

An hour later, Jeremy didn’t want to give mediocre anymore. He popped his collar. He ducked under the photographer so that the camera would catch him at a height-enhancing angle. Letting out a guttural moan, he ripped the sleeves off a $350 Giorgio Armani shirt.”

If this were an episode of "Tales From the Crypt" something spectacularly terrible and ironic would have then happened to Jeremy Piven, like from then on cameras would only show his inner beauty which of course would make him horrible looking and would drive him insane until he threw himself off of a building. But since this is real life, we'll just have to settle for public shaming and loss of his Hollywood clout. Still, it's a shame things can't be like they were in "Tales From the Crypt."

More of Hair Club For Men at the Golden Globes: (Editor's note: True story, his hair is totally fake. Go back and watch PCU if you don't believe me.)

Poser: (Noun) A person who acts in an affected manner in order to impress others.

Miley Cyrus has taken to YouTube to hit back at certain people for making fun of her for wearing that stupid Iron Maiden shirt she's been wearing all the time lately. You're more than welcome to watch the above clip, but since Miley's voice is like beating a fucking chalkboard over your head, here is the loose translation:

"I'm sure you all have seen me rocking an Iron Maiden shirt lately and I know there's been some people saying, 'Oh, she's a poser,' and 'The only reason she's wearing Iron Maiden is because she wants to be a rock star.'

"So, Iron Maiden - Run To The Hills, Fear of the Dark, Running Free, (all) good song(s), check it out. So thank you, guys. I actually do like Iron Maiden." (Source)

I suppose there is a chance that Miley Cyrus really does like Iron Maiden. There's also a chance she just found a bunch of Iron Maiden song titles on the internet and recited them to save face. Just like there's a chance I spent last night watching the Discovery Channel and drinking Ovaltine -- but there's also a chance that I got drunk by myself and fell asleep in front of "Celebrity Sober House" on VH1. Hmmm.. I wonder which one it was.

Nondescript: (Adjective) Lacking distinctive or interesting features or characteristics.

I've come to the basic conclusion that there are two basic kinds of Angelina Jolie outfits: shapeless, colorless boring gowns and shapeless, colorless boring pantsuits. But that's besides the point because oh my God why are they matching? My boyfriend and I were going out one evening and he put on a sweater that was the same exact color as the shirt that I wore over to his house. Of course I demanded that he change, but he refused saying it wasn't that noticeable. So naturally our friends made fun of us mercilessly all night. I guess that's one of the advantages of being a normal person instead of a celebrity, because when you're a celebrity your assistants and handlers and so on will probably never tell you when you look like a couple of gay assholes. And I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't trade the privilege of being called a "gay asshole" for all the money and wealth in the world. Suckers.

Inevitable: (Adjective) Certain to happen; unavoidable.

Because arrests and rehab go together like fine wine and cheese in Hollywood, Kelly Osbourne has entered an Los Angeles rehabilitation facility!

Her rep in London says in a statement to PEOPLE, "Kelly Osbourne has voluntarily entered a medical facility to address some personal issues. Her family stands by and supports her." No further details were provided. (Source)

"Personal issues," huh? I didn't realize they made rehabs that specialized in curing spoiled, bratty, entitled bitches. But I guess if you're going to find a place like that anywhere, it'd have to be L.A. The Hilton family alone could theoretically keep the place in business for years.

Bruiser Malloy at the Flaunt Magazine anniversary party:

What's the worst thing you've ever done? I stuck a roommate's toothbrush in the toilet once. Does that count? (Pajiba)

Lily Allen got her lesbo swerve on with identical twins. Sounds sexy, except not. (Yeeeah!)

Name that celebrity crotch! (The Blemish)

Katie Holmes might be carrying another little Xenu baby. (Seriously? OMG!)

NO. NO. NO. NO. Studio execs plan to ruin the shit out of good old racist, violent as fuck Tom & Jerry. (Celebitchy)

Victoria Beckham is a climate rebel. (Ayyyy!)

Tom Cruise is the new Skeletor. (cityrag)

Donnie Wahlberg miraculously continues to score ass. (CelebWarship)

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer might be getting engaged but they might also be breaking up. Your call. (BricksAndStones)

Paris Hilton is the new face of FILA. In other news, the FILA marketing people are on crack. (HQ Celeb)

Heather Graham is all kinds of hot. Why doesn't she get any work these days? (Popoholic)

Comeback: (Noun) A return by a well-known person, esp. an entertainer or sports player, to the activity in which they have formerly been successful.

So, how lucky are you guys? Two Kevin Federline stories in two days! It's like you've died and gone to Christmas! At any rate, on the heels of the news of K Fed's fattishness is a report that he may be signing onto "Dancing with the Stars" to reclaim his girlish figure.

The 30-year-old, who has danced alongside Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake and Gwen Stefani among others, has piled on the pounds in recent months - fueling speculation he'll sign the TV deal in a bid to get his dancer's body back.

"His career isn't exactly where he wants it to be. Kevin wants to get back into shape and welcomes anyone who can help him." (Source)

From the looks of Stay-Puft up there, I can tell you it's gonna take a little bit more than some fruity dancing to shake those man titties. Plus, isn't it like when animals become overweight and veterinaries discourage against vigorous activity because the animal could hurt itself? K Fed could be one tango away from snapping one of those spindly legs of his clear in half. He might want to try the old X-acto blade, plastic tubing, and bucket diet first. Otherwise known as a Tijuana liposuction.

Better: (Adjective) Of a more excellent or effective type or quality.

The big casting buzz going around on the internets today is that formerly reputable child star Dakota Fanning is being courted for a part of a vampire named "Jane" in the retarded Twilight sequel. Sigh.

“There were no auditions,” a source reveals. “They just offered it to her outright, and now they’re in negotiations. They’ve been going back and forth.”

In the casting notice we got our hands on earlier this month, Jane is described as a petite blonde with a “Botticelli angel-like face…[and] crimson irises.” While fellow Volturi guards Demetri & Felix “are three times the size of her, they are terrified of her,” the casting notice reads. (Source)

I guess I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Just look at what playing a young vampire did for Kirsten Dunst's career with Interview with a Vampire. Oh, except that Kirsten Dunst starred alongside Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and not some greasy motherfucker who's biggest professional asset is the ability to go months without washing his hair. And also, Kirsten Dunst has already been in rehab. Yeah... So, nice knowing you, Dakota!

More of Dakota at the Critic's Choice Awards, because she's adorable:

Mint Condition: (Adjective) Of an object in pristine condition; as new.

Katy Perry, who was nominated for a Grammy for her piece of shit song "I Kissed A Girl," is saying that she's taking a "vow of celibacy" after her recent break-up with Travis McCoy.

"I've actually taken a vow of celibacy this year," she tells the new issue of TV Guide. "No kissing anyone. Just my cat, Kitty Purry." (Source)

No kissing anyone? Well, it's not like we didn't all know Miss Bisexuality USA wasn't kissing any goddamn girls in the first place, so I guess at least now she's got an excuse. But on an unrelated note, she named her cat Kitty Purry? Was that on purpose? Like we're supposed to believe this bitch writes her own songs when she can't even come up with a decently creative name for her cat.

More of Kitty Purry at the Critic's Choice Awards:

Hoo Ha: (Noun) A lady's private area.

Sigourney Weaver caused quite the stir on "The View" yesterday while promoting her new Lifetime movie, when she gave the entire audience and home viewership an eyeful of hot underpants.

On the show to promote her new movie Prayers For Bobby, Sigourney unwittingly aped the famous scene in the movie Basic Instinct, in which Sharon Stone's character flashed the police while crossing her legs.

However, unlike Sharon's character in the 1992 film, fortunately Sigourney had underwear on. (Source)

I know you all probably think I'm going to say something really snarky and mean here, but you know what? Screw that. This is Sigourney fucking Weaver. Ellen Ripley for chrissakes. She can show her underpants all she damn wants. Maybe if she did it more often, in fact, she wouldn't be appearing in movies on the Lifetime Network in the first place.

More of Sigourney Beaver at the Golden Globes: (Editor's note: It was unavoidable.)

Again: (Adverb) Another time; once more.

Jesus fucking God; there's going to be another one of those goddamn Sex and the City movies. Like the first one wasn't already the bane my my christforsaken existence as a gossip blogger for like six mothereffing months. Ooooh, I hope Sarah Jessica Parker wears another one of her zany hats to the premiere so we can all talk about it until I want to punch myself in the face.

"Not all the contracts are signed, but everyone is on board," a source tells Us. "It just happened."

Nixon told Us she has a few ideas for her character, feisty lawyer Miranda Hobbes. "I would love to see her and Carrie and Charlotte and Samantha all go off on some wild mad cap adventure somewhere," she said. (Source)

True story: I visibly cringed at the phrase "mad cap adventure." So basically, she's thinking Thelma and Louise only with four aging whores. And yet I would actually consider going to see it if they all drove off a cliff in the end and maybe if Michael Bay did the special effects. (Somebody please make that happen.)

More of Old Nancy Kerrigan at the New York City Ballet last November:

And stop being such a dick, Michael Cera. (Pajiba)

Amy Winehouse has found herself a heroine. You read it right. (Yeeeah!)

Who would want to read a Britney Spears autobiography? Not I, said the duck. (The Blemish)

Even as a kid, Shannen Doherty was a bruiser. (Seriously? OMG!)

The very thought of Gwyneth Paltrow masturbating makes me brain scream. (Celebitchy)

Jessica Alba tries her hand at snark, fails miserably. (Celebslam)

What did everybody think about Michelle Obama's dress? (CelebSmack)

Isla Fisher running errands in Los Angeles. (usemycomputer)

Being associated with Jennifer Love Hewitt in any capacity is pretty much a total fucking nightmare. (Lainey Goss)

There's still no better place for sage advice than a urinal. (omg blog)

Replaceable: (Adjective) Able to be replaced.

Paris Hilton's BFF Brittany Flickinger just found out the hard way that Paris Hilton's "Best Friend of Forever" is just as expendable as one of her handbags, pinks cars, or stupid, sickly-looking dogs she always used to lug around. While staying at Sundance, Paris ditched her BFF for Danity Kane whore Aubrey O'Day.

"Paris kept ditching Brittany for Aubrey," said our source. Friday night, the two left Flickinger at the Eldridge and went across the street to Tao, where the former Best Friend Forever found them at 2 a.m. "She was crying and screaming, 'Paris, stop leaving me!' " said our snitch. (Source)

What a drama whore. With all the problems going on in the world today, there are worse things that can happen than being friend-dumped by Paris Hilton. Like getting a hangnail. Ow! Or spilling milk. Or, you know, actually being friends with Paris Hilton. So really, you just kind of have to look at it that way.

More of Paris with Brittany and that stupid hat at Sundance:

Plumper: (Noun) An overweight yet sexually attractive person.

Breaking news!!! Us Magazine is reporting is that Kevin Federline has gotten fatter. I repeat, gotten fatter. Federline was reportedly spotted out golfing with friends on Tuesday sporting a "fuller figure." Civilians should proceed with precaution when approaching K Fed, as there are seemingly no limits to this man's appetite. I'm being told that he's already consumed several neighborhood pets, and by the looks of it I think he's got at least two of his kids in there.

More of K Fat with girlfriend Victoria Prince last month:

Crappify: (Verb) To take something of presumable quality and shit all over it.

I have no idea what's going on here, but for some reason Brooke Hogan apparently decided to "cover" Kelly Clarkson's song "My Life Would Suck Without You." I just hope Kelly Clarkson remembers to thank Brooke for making her song better. Maybe when Brooke is done making Kelly's songs better she can move onto bigger names like Christina Aguilera. I've always wondered how her songs would sound if they didn't have any things like depth or pitch or rhythm in them.

Also, I didn't know Yeti knew how to rollerblade. Learn something new every day:

Blasphemy: (Noun) The offense of speaking sacrilegiously about God or sacred things.

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing Miley Cyrus here couldn't differentiate an Iron Maiden song from Bon Jovi if she heard it on the radio. At any rate, if there's an hardcore Maiden fans reading, I still give you permission to slam your head in the door.

Bully: (Noun) A person who harms or intimidates those who are weaker.

Spencer Pratt and his Gorton's Fisherman Beard were allegedly involved in a physical altercation last weekend with his sister Stephanie's ex-boyfriend, Cameron Huston. Supposedly the fight, which took place at the West Hollywood lounge Coco de Ville, (classy!) was over Cameron dumping Stephanie. Blibbedy blah blah zzzzzz...

After 10 minutes of shouting, an eyewitness says Spencer lost it and smashed his sister’s ex in the face! “Cameron had to be taken to a local hospital,” a witness tells Star.

“There was blood; there was screaming. It was a major scene.” One that easily could have been avoided, according to Cameron’s mom. Cica Huston tells Star exclusively, “Spencer’s attack was completely unprovoked.” (Source)

This story is a complete fabrication. Spencer Pratt is too much of a selfish pussy to ever put himself in harm's way for the benefit of another human being. Plain and simple. In fact, the only way I could ever see ol' Spencer provoked into fisticuffs is if you told him there was no more film left in the camera.*

* Editor's note: Film? Camera? It's almost as if I grew up in the 80's or something!

Frick and Frack at some New Year's thing earlier this month:

Frump: (Noun) An unattractive woman who wears dowdy old-fashioned clothes.

What the hell happened to Katie Holmes? Remember how at one time she was like a burgeoning style icon and everyone couldn't wait to see what she was wearing and how her hair was done? And then she started wearing those horrible peg-rolled jeans and somehow got the soul sucked out of her. And now this, showing up to premieres wearing what appears to be a mother-of-the-bride ensemble from David's Bridal. (You'll love David's Bridal®!) Seriously, it's a dress with two pieces. Two. No one under the age of 55 should be wearing this.

More of Tom and "Kate" at the Berlin premiere of Valkyrie. Because you know what Germans love? Movies about Hitler!

Obama has a lot of people to thank for getting where he is today. Not the least of which: George Jefferson. (Pajiba)

Naked Eliza Dushku will hopefully ensure against "Dollhouse" getting shitcanned. (Popoholic)

Julia Roberts is decidedly unappreciative of having her picture taken. (The Blemish)

Bud Bundy is back, bitches! Back!!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

Paris Hilton made out with someone as rich and culturally irrelevant as she is. (Celebitchy)

And in more P-Hilt news... Rejoice! For a new Paris Hilton sex tape is on its way. (Yeeeah!)

How the hell did Kal Penn score speaking at Obama's inauguration?! (Best Week Ever)

Wow, this is pretty amazing that not one but two people would actually wear this fugly dress. (Ayyyy!)

Muppet Face + Carny Boobs + Spunk Gel = Ca-lassy Lady. (cityrag)

Here's a list of the top 25 American Idol contestants ever. (BuddyTV)

Alyson Hannigan Bump Watch! (BricksAndStones)

Miley Cyrus is still dressing like a sluttier Lolita. (IDWYL)

That little whore also got busted for texting in church. (CelebWarship)

Buzzkill: (Noun) Something that spoils or ruins an otherwise enjoyable event.

Pete Wentz is in Washington D.C. to attend Obama's inauguration (really???) and all the festivities and parties that go along with it. However he states that wife Ashlee Simpson and son Baby McStupidName didn't make the trip with him.

"I think I'll explain it to him many years from now, and maybe he'll believe his dad was here, maybe not," he told Usmagazine.com Monday at The Huffington Post Pre-Inaugural Ball. (Source)

Yeah and anyway, Washington D.C. has some of the finest motels and public restrooms that our fine country has to offer. The last damn thing a guy needs is his wife and kid weighing him down when he stands to get his swerve on in the back alley blowjob capitol of the world. They don't call it The City In Which the Sexually Repressed Politician Never Sleeps for nothin', you know.

More of Wentzey and the Beard ringing in the New Year in Vegas earlier this month:

Ruiners: (Noun) Individuals who turn everything they touch to shit.

It's a very exciting day for many Americans, in addition to those in other countries worldwide. So it was only natural that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt would have to come along and spoil everything for everyone. Despite formerly publicly backing their support behind the McCain-Palin ticket, it seems that Heidi and Spencer have jumped onto the Obama bandwagon; if only because it means an opportunity to get their picture taken. As hard as it is not to take it personally and, like Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer, demand that they take off those shirts before they jix Obama's campaign... You have to remember something. If somebody told Heidi and Spencer that Baby Shot Put was the hot new American pastime, they'd be out there hurling babies around in front of the paparazzi before could could say "Die Famewhores."

Regal: (Adjective) Of or resembling a monarch, esp. in being magnificent or dignified.

Brad Pitt and Margaret Thatcher attended the Berlin premiere of The Curious Case Of Blahjamin Blahtton last night. Jeez, I don't know why everyone always says that Angelina Jolie dresses so boring; this ensemble would be in the height of fashion for any discerning British Prime Minister in the 1980's.*

* Editor's note: Oh wait, not everybody does say that Angelina Jolie dresses boring. I think that's actually just me. Oh well, case closed.

Confusing: (Adjective) Causing or tending to cause confusion.

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio have been busy promoting their new film Revolutionary Road, and Winslet admits that sometimes she mistakes her onscreen husband for her actual, real life husband, director Sam Mendes.

Winslet told Britain's GMTV Monday that DiCaprio "feels more like my husband than my real husband, I have to say. I'm talking about him so much!" (Source)

You know, I understand exactly how she feels. Sometimes I also get my boyfriend confused for Jensen Ackles. I mean, it's Jensen this and Jensen that; and then sometimes my boyfriend is all "Who the hell is this Jansen person you keep going on about and why are you obsessed with his lips?" Pffft. He'll never truly understand our connection, Jensen Ackles and I.

More of Jensen Ackles at the premiere of My Bloody Valentine 3D because Kate Winslet is boring and Leonardo DiCaprio has a big ugly head:













(OK, OK... Fine, you win. Here are more photos from the UK premiere of Revolutionary Road:)

Inauguralicious: (Adjective) Of the fabulousness surrounding the Presidential inauguration.

Today is probably going to be kind of a slow news day, as the celebrities have descended upon Washington like a horde of locusts for Obama's inauguration. Like Ben Affleck, for instance, who would like to alert any stalkers out there of his current location:

"I'm going to camp out," the star told Usmagazine.com at his Feeding America hunger rally on Monday in Washington, D.C. "I'll bring a tent -- and a heater!" (Source)

See? Celebrities are just camping out in the streets! Washington hasn't seen this kind of unbridled star power since the 2000 inauguration of George W. Bush. Can you even imagine? Ted Nugent, Jessica Simpson and Charlton Heston all in the same place? I'm surprised there was even anything left of D.C. after that rockin' party left town.

More of Whoffleck at the Feeding America's National Hunger Rally yesterday:

Dustin eats it and admits that a Jensen Ackles movie was good. Yes, good. Did you hear that?!(Pajiba)

Hmm... Where have I seen this pose before? Oh, right: PORN. (popbytes)

Juliette Lewis is an annoying asshole crossed with a Jehovah's Witness. (Agent Bedhead)

Either Madonna has a yeti in her pocket or she's happy to see you. (Yeeeah!)

Today is your lucky day if you like disgusting photos of Madonna! Here is more from the W photoshoot. (The Blemish)

Katy Perry had to give back an award. Hahahahahaha. (Seriously? OMG!)

Paris Hilton thinks that she and Angelina Jolie have a lot in common and should totally be best friends. (Celebitchy)

Not having the curtain match the drapes isn't the only thing Linda Hogan and her 19-year-old boyfriend have in common! (Celebslam)

Look who else showed up to Sundance: It's Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey! (CelebSmack)

Here's the closest thing to Zooey Deschanel other than Katy Perry at the Fox Winter All Stars Party. (usemycomputer)

Aww, Lindsay and Sam have reunited... For Obama! (Lainey Goss)

What's wrong with Michael Jackson's face now?! (IBBB)

Pantsuit: (Noun) A pair of pants and a matching jacket worn by women.

I make fun of Katy Perry a lot around here. Mostly because of what she says, and what she does, and because her music lacks any real talent or quality and her outfits are usually stupid and come off as trying too hard. But as you can see, I have to eat my words on at least that last one because Katy perry showed up at the NRJ Music Awards last night dressed to kill. So, good for her. It looks like somebody is totally planning to break the glass ceiling in 1985!!

Genetic: (Adjective) Relating to or influenced by the origin or development of something.

Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for an incident that occurred back in August, when she slapped gossip columnist Zoe Griffin for calling her fiancee Luke Worrall "stupid." Griffin also allegedly insinuated that Worrall didn't know what an earthquake was. Oooh. Sounds like a good enough reason to me.

'She was arrested for common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of 29 August 2008.' “She has been bailed until a date in March.” Kelly was released on bail until March.

Kelly recently revealed she would 'do anything for her man' Kelly told Closer magazine: 'I’ve never been this mushy with anybody ever before, but this time I can’t help it. He’s perfect. Everything about him is brilliant. (Source)

Of course, the hilarious thing here is that Sharon Osbourne is currently being investigated over the incident in which she assaulted "Rock of Love" Charm School's" Megan Hauserman when Megan insulted Sharon's husband. I guess it just goes to show: The apple really doesn't fall far from the angry, booze-soaked, codependent, low-self esteem-having tree!

At the Fox Winter All-Star Party last week: (The family who collects assult and disorderly conduct charges together stays together!)

Depends: (Brand) Adult-sized diapers marketed to those afflicted with urinary or fecal incontinence.

Madonna's latest attempt to make the upchuck rise in my esophagus comes to us with this photoshoot compliments of the good people over at W Magazine. Seriously Madonna, it's not even funny anymore. You're too old, you're too gross, and it's not shocking. It's just sad. Also, I don't care how much Vaseline they put on the camera lens, we can still see your happy trail. Gross.

Photogenic: (Adjective) Of a person looking attractive in photographs or on film.

Paris Hilton is whoring it up at the Sundance Film Festival this week, because why shouldn't she be? At any rate, it seems Paris wandered into a portrait studio where some poor photographer was unwittingly coerced into taking her picture. You know, every time I see pictures of Paris Hilton I just have to wonder: When are we finally going to invent cameras that have shotguns in them like they always had on Looney Tunes? It's about fucking time already, science.

Vagrant: (Noun) A person without a settled home or regular work who wanders from place to place and lives by begging.

Joaquin "BYE! GOOD" Phoenix, who announced his retirement from acting last fall, is now having his brother-in-law/filmmaker Casey Affleck document his burgeoning career as a rapper. So it must have been very exciting for patrons of Lavo nightclub in Vegas when they got treated to a taste of his rapping skillz when he jumped up onstage for an impromptu performance this weekend. And when I say they got a "taste," I mean that he jumped up and down pumping his fists like a three year old at a birthday party before making some unintelligible noises into the microphone and falling off of the stage. The only way this performance could have been more humiliating is if someone were projecting Space Camp onto a screen behind him. Luckily for him, I think he even then he would have been too drunk to notice.

More of old Leaf at Lavo nightclub on Friday: (Hole in the crotch presumably intentional.)

McConaughey's Surfer Dude is an exercise in drug-addled self-congratulations. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan is looking skinnier than ever and Ali Lohan is looking older than ever. (Lainey Goss)

Paris Hilton proves once again why she's a stupid spoiled whore. (Celebslam)

"American Idol" is really amping up the "skank factor" this season! (Yeeeah!)

Guess the old lady ass! (The Blemish)

Q: What's the difference between Joaquin Phoenix and K Fed? A: A one time respected and admired acting career. (Seriously? OMG!)

Check out Scientology's Guide to Brainwashing... And more! (Agent Bedhead)

You know what will never not be funny? Nick Nolte's 2002 booking photo. (CelebSmack)

No way... Is that really Cate Blanchett? (usemycomputer)

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler remarrying? Bad idea or worst idea ever? (Celebitchy)

Audrina Patridge is smuggling a strange looking package. (IBBB)

Open-Minded: (Adjective) Willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.

Boy, that Courtney Love sure is a delightful person. I guess it was only a matter of time before her incoherent rants smacked of racism, and that day has finally come. In the new issue of Heeb, as in the Jewish magazine, Courtney Love gives those dirty Jews a piece of her mind.

"Every time you buy a Nirvana record, part of that money is not going to Kurt's child, or to me, it's going to a handful of Jew loan officers, Jew private banks, it's going to lawyers who are also bankers . . ." (Source)

Whoa, simmer down there Hitler. Before you go cutting swastikas into your arm, remember that there were actually two other members of Nirvana, and neither of them were you. I love that 15 years after Kurt Cobain's death this slag is still making everything about her. If she put half the energy into her music as she did harping about the fact that she's a drug addict's widow maybe her career wouldn't be a joke of a turd floating in the toilet. Because being a crazy, racist druggie still doesn't classify as a career these days, no matter what Rush Limbaugh tells you.

More of Retarded Gypsy out panhandling the other week:

Metamorphosis: (Noun) A change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one.

Britney Spears looks like she's back to her old, toned self from the 90's going by these new photos released on her website today, which were taken at rehearsals for her upcoming tour. According to Us Weekly, her strict diet and exercise regimen has been paying off:

Spears has shed 20 pounds in recent months, whittling her waistline to its trimmest in years, thanks to two-hour cardio-and-strength-training workouts three times a week (on top of dance rehearsals), Us Weekly recently reported. "It's a nonstop workout," Bally Total Fitness trainer Steven Boggs, who has worked with Spears, told Us of the routine, which includes moves like shoulder presses and jump squats.

She has also revamped her diet, opting for a 1,100- to 1,200-calorie-a-day meal-delivery plan from Sunfare consisting of three meals (breakfast burritos, barbeque chicken salad and turkey burgers) and two snacks (think cheese and nuts). (Source)

God, how unfair is that. Britney can transform from a disgusting, paunchy slob into a 6-pack goddess with only the help of an entire team of personal trainers, nutritionists and handlers. But when I need to lose a few pounds, I still have to resort to eating nothing but Tic Tacs, sunflower seeds and laxatives for an entire month. But whatever, at least I can open childproof caps by myself. In your face, Britney!

Standards: (Noun) A level of quality or attainment.

Just because Nicolette Sheridan has no qualms with letting David Spade shove his weaselly little tongue down her throat doesn't mean she'll settle for just any tiny, blonde-haired man. Especially not Ryan "Smooth Operator" Seacrest.

On Friday's Ellen DeGeneres Show, she asks the single Desperate Housewives star if she'd ever go on a date with the American Idol host. "That's gross," she says. "I've met him." (Source)

After already having sunk to frenching David fucking Spade, that's unequivocally like saying "I'd rather brush my teeth with dog shit than go out with Ryan Seacrest." Or, I'd rather lick Michael Moore's taint than go out with Ryan Seacrest." Just throwing them out there. But I doubt Seacrest cares, anyway. I don't think he's into women, much less humans. That freak probably gets off to like insects or something.

More of Johnny Smiles at the Golden Globes:

Pervert: (Noun) A person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

My gag reflex is working overtime after hearing this story. Apparently some kind of underwear burglar has been pilfering the Jonas Brothers underpants from their dressing rooms. Ugh, I know, right?

During the band's recent tour, the trio reportedly began noticing pairs of boxer shorts disappearing from their dressing rooms and initially passed it off as a gag. However when notes began to turn up in the guys' garment bags proclaiming: "Your undies are safe with us... The Undie Snatchers!" the brothers are said to have hired more security staff to keep their possessions safe. (Source)

The most disgusting thing about this is that it's pretty safe to assume that the culprit isn't a 12-year-old girl. I used to be a 12-year-old girl, and I can tell you from personal experience, it's not really their MO. 12-year-old girls want an autographed picture and maybe a half-eaten sandwich. 12-year-old girls don't want dirty underpants. But you know who does? The same kind of people who frequent Craigslist casual encounters pages and inadvertently show up for dates with Chris Hansen carrying a four-pack of watermelon-flavored Seagram's.

More of Jonas at the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes? What? Why?! Whatever:

Clashing: (Adjective) A mismatch of colors or styles.

Jennifer Lopez was seen not wearing her wedding rings again at last Sunday's Golden Globes. But she'll have you know, there was a perfectly good explanation for it.

"Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. "That's crazy. It just didn't go with the dress. "Divorce is not and was never an option." (Source)

For once I have to agree with her. It really didn't go with that dress. A trapeze, tightrope or trained white horse, maybe -- but a wedding ring? Definitely not.

Mental Patient: (Noun) A personal who has clearly escaped from the psychiatric ward.

"Oooh, look at me! I'm Chloe Sevigny and I'm so high fashion-dippy that I show up at things wearing a dress that looks like it was cut apart from a hospital gown with a slit that goes up past where my vagina should be. Also, my name is really hard to spell and pronounce."

More from the Season 3 premiere of "Big Love." I have a feeling Nicky would not approve:

Here's a list of the best and worst movie mustaches. (Pajiba)

Another year, another "American Idol" contestant turns out to be one of society's miscreants. (Yeeeah!)

What a surprise, Sienna Miller is falling down drunk! (The Blemish)

Holy crap, did anyone else know that Thor from Adventures in Babysitting was Vincent D'Onofrio? (Seriously? OMG!)

Beyonce is a shitty pet owner, and you know what they say: shitty pet owners are shitty people. (Celebitchy)

Having a "Face of Meth" and other guaranteed ways to audition before Simon, Paula, Randy and that new bitch. (Best Week Ever)

Compare Paula Abdul's old face to her new face. (cityrag)

Only Drew Barrymore would use the word "liberated" to describe her christforsaken hairstyle. (CelebWarship)

It would not surprise me AT ALL if the stupid new Sex and the City movie stunt-casted Britney. (BricksAndStones)

Eliza Dushku is hotter than the day is long. (Popoholic)

Downgrade: (Verb) Reduce to a lower grade, rank, or level of importance.

Amanda Bynes was apparently going out with some baseball player named Doug Reinhart and now apparently they're not anymore. Whatever.

"She ended it. She had had enough," a source close to the actress tells Usmagazine.com. "Her friends didn't trust him. Everyone thought he was using her for celebrity. He was not good, and she was over it. It was definitely her who ended it." (Source)

Wait, who is Amanda Bynes again? Didn't she have some show on the Disney channel before Miley Cyrus existed or something but she never leaked a sex tape or topless photos on the internet so nobody cares anymore? Yeah, well anyway, Guy Who Was Using Her For Her Celebrity: you fail at using women for their celebrity. Why don't you go look up Tara Reid or something, amateur.

More of Amanda Bynes at a Golden Globes after party: (Editor's note: photos of Amanda Bynes from actual Golden Globes not found.)

Pioneer: (Noun) A person who is among the first to research and develop a new area of knowledge or activity.

Now that Jenny McCarthy has successfully cured autism, it looks like she's finally moved on to an even more important cause: recession-proofing beauty. Whatever the crap that means. If she's going to tell me I have to start making my own foundation out of dirt and spit like they did back in the Great Depression, she can kindly go fuck herself.

Retch: (Verb) To make the sound and movement of vomiting.

Remember when Sir Ben Kingsley and Mary Kate Olsen made out in that movie about weed? Yeah, well that's nothing compared to how gross what I'm about to tell you is. Let me just say: Bai Ling and Mickey Rourke. BOOM.

The star of "The Wrestler" was at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood the other night with Sean Penn and his long-suffering wife, Robin Wright Penn, when, our witnesses said, Rourke was accosted by fame-craving Bai Ling. Rourke was only too happy to oblige the Chinese-born actress and the two "made out and partied pretty hard." (Source)

I actually kind of tried to picture this in my head, but the only mental image my brain will conjure up is a hyena wrestling with a warthog, and it's all just teeth and claws and blood and saliva and you can't tell if they're fighting or fucking each other to death. And yet, that's probably infinitely more pleasant than the actual image of Bai Ling and Mickey Rourke making out.

More from that horrible, horrible night:

Cheater: (Noun) Someone who is unfaithful to their significant other.

Now that she's out of the harem and marrying Hank Bassett, Kendra Wilkinson is spilling all the secrets from the Playboy Mansion. Such as? Apparently, Hef was all bark and no fuck.

Kendra told US Weekly: “Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office - there were never solo dates.

“I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it.” Speaking about Hugh’s oldest girlfriend, BRIDGET MARQUARDT, Kendra added: “Bridget told me that she's been faithful all these years, and I was like, 'How the hell can you do that?' “I had to have sex so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.” (Source)

I just knew those girls weren't really boning that old man. Not that it's all that surprising, but you'd think they would have made them sign some kind of confidentiality agreement, because you have to admit this does take some of the sick fascination away from the new series of "The Girls Next Door." Then again, they probably did, but Kendra isn't exactly the brightest bulb. She probably thought she was signing a declaration of how much she loves "Olive Garden" or something.

Foxy:

Cockblock: (Verb) To interfere with the sexual intentions of another person.

Selena Gomez has some words for her boyfriend Little Jonas, after his brother Gay Jonas dumped Taylor Swift for Camilla Belle on the set of their video for "Lovebug."

"Just put boys in [your] videos for now on, how 'bout that?" the Wizards of Waverly Place star jokes to E!'s Daily 10. (Source)

Great idea! That's like parking your brand new Mercedes convertible next to a 1982 Toyota Camry as theft deterrent. I mean, yeah, it is a Mercedes and all, but that Camry's got some pretty sweet rims. If I was a thief I'd know which one I'd pick, anyway.

Selena Gomez at CNN Heroes back in November: (Editor's note: She's what Miley Cyrus would be like if Miley Cyrus wasn't so abrasive and whorey!)

Bowling Balls: (Noun) Abnormally large, round breasts.

Ugh, gross. Whatever, Brooke Hogan can let her knockers hang out all she wants and it doesn't do anything to change the fact that she looks like your typical Miami Beach 60-something muumuu-wearing retiree. The only difference being that most retirees can't bench press a live cow.

Dustin can never resist a potshot at my preciouses Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. (Pajiba)

AnnaLynne McCord just picked herself up a new nickname! (Yeeeah!)

David Silver was too good to take Megan Fox to the Golden Globes. (The Blemish)

Corey Haim's new TV show is sadder than the ending to Titanic. (Seriously? OMG!)

Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes have lookalike designer ad campaigns coming out. Fight! Fight! (Celebitchy)

Benji Madden is still so upset over Paris Hilton that he doesn't even want to bang hot models. Awww... (Celebslam)

Somebody finally sticks it to those airbushed-out-the-ass celebrities. (Agent Bedhead)

Oh, apparently some whore auditioned for "American Idol" in a bikini. Who the hell does she think she is, Megan Hauserman? (CelebSmack)

What's this? Debra Messing not wearing something totally hideous? I don't believe it. (usemycomputer)

I still hate PETA but this is definitely one of their better ads. (popbytes)

Apparently Vanessa Hudgens is actually not in the running for the part of the werewolf for the new Twillight movie. So I guess she can keep shaving her legs for now. (Lainey Goss)

David Cook finally takes those 12-year-old bitches to task. (omg blog)

Frenemies: (Noun) Two individuals who superficially put on a facade of friendship yet secretly hate each other.

Word on the street is that former Charlie's Angels BFFs Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore (No, I love you more!) have had some kind of falling out. Mostly because they avoided each other like hot plague at the Golden Globes.

Diaz and Barrymore both arrived at the Globes bash held inside the hotel's swanky bar/restaurant but ignored each other all night long. For two friends once attached at the hip, insiders say the tension wasn't hard to spot.

"Both Cameron and Drew were at the party but neither one spoke to each other!" a fellow party goer tells OK!. "They were on opposite sides of the room the entire night." (Source)

Insiders speculate to the reason for the falling out, but I can tell you exactly what happened. Clearly, one of them stopped being stoned for just long enough to realize just how Jesus fucking annoying the other one was. See? Those drug PSAs were right. People who do drugs are not your friend. They're just irritating bitches who you'd never be able to tolerate sober.

More of Drew at the Globes, just because her hair so crazy:

Ragamuffin: (Noun) Typically a homeless child or beggar dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.

Amy Winehouse is continuing her reign of terror on a small St. Lucia resort by extending her stay for an additional two entire months. And despite the best attempts of the staff to keep her away from the booze, Amy has resulted to stealing it from other guests.

A source at the £200-a-night resort said: “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.” (Source)

At this point, I think it's pretty much well established that Amy Winehouse's career as a musician is over, as she's no doubt permanently erased the music-making part of her brain with crack by now. But hey, maybe she's got a future as a mascot for a liquor company! You know, kind of like if The Hamburglar; if The Hamburglar was an angry drunk who had nits in his hair and smelled like a homeless person.

More of Amy doing acrobatics in St. Lucia. (This can't end well.)

Smooth: (Adjective) Suavely charming and sophisticated.

This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. After a blind contestant auditioned on "American Idol" last night, numbnuts Ryan Seacrest tried to give the guy a high-five. I swear to God. It's right here in this clip if you don't believe me. (Seriously you have to watch.)

Macintyre plays the piano, went to college at 14 and ballroom dances, and he even sung his way to a golden ticket to Hollywood. After Scott emerged from his audition and hugged his family, Ryan held up his right hand for a high-five.

Seacrest ended up reaching down and taking Scott's hand after his gesture hung midair. (Source)

Sure, it may have been a perfectly innocent mistake... Or maybe Seacrest just doesn't trust blindies. Maybe he was just testing him to see if he was really blind. I don't blame him. My freshman year of college I got stuck rooming with a blind girl and to this day I don't think she was really blind. That's why I used to hide and move her stuff around on her all the time. Of course, my results were inconclusive but I swear that girl used to purposely smack people with her cane. True story.

Coordinated: (Verb) To match or harmonize attractively.

Paris Hilton stepped out in L.A. the other day wearing a blue dress, blue cardigan sweater, blue heels, carrying a blue handbag and driving her customized blue Bentley. God, it must be nice to be Paris Hilton; to have no real life problems and positively nothing else to do with her time besides thinking up these crazy outfit-matching schemes and remembering when to take her Valtrex.

Aaawkward: (Adjective) Causing or feeling extreme embarrassment or uncomfortableness; extra A's added for emphasis.

What's the only thing worse than running into your ex-girlfriend while enjoying a romantic, intimate dinner with your current girlfriend? Well, if your name is "Justin Timberlake" the answer is probably "nothing on this Earth."

Timberlake was in the middle of a late-night dinner with current girlfriend Jessica Biel when Spears walked through the door with her mom Lynne around 10 p.m. While "Jessica looked gorgeous," Spears "didn't look the best, but she probably thought no one would see her, as this restaurant isn't usually a hot spot," the onlooker tells Us.

The witness describes the restaurant as "so small...like the size of a living room," and the situation as "uncomfortable. "Jessica and Justin looked to be slumping down in their seats to avoid [Spears]." (Source)

I love how this witness had to go and note that Britney "wasn't looking the best." Like no shit she wasn't looking her best. These days Britney looking her best requires a team of 20-30 people to do her hair, makeup, spray-tan and Crisco her into whatever painted on ensemble she's wearing. Left to her own devices I'd be surprised if there wasn't a family of baby birds or a hobo living in her weave.

More of Jessica Biel at the Rome International Film Festival last October, because she's purty: (Seriously, what's she doing with that Timberlake tool anyway?)

Yeah! Fuck you, Michael Ausiello! (Pajiba)

Kristen Bell is like the tiniest, most adorable serial killer. (The Blemish)

What's grosser than gross? (Yeeeah!)

A look back at Paula Abdul before she was all pilled-up and crazy. (Seriously? OMG!)

That's not your imagination, there really is a Pigpen-esque stink cloud following behind Jessica Simpson! (Celebitchy)

Jessica Alba, what is this fuckery? (Ayyyy!)

Jude Law gives Sherlock Holmes a moose-knuckley twist. (cityrag)

What's the most degrading thing that could possibly happen to a Harvard grad? (CelebWarship)

Wardrobe on the set of "Gossip Girl" has to employ the same tactics with Blake Lively as my dog when I have to give her a pill. (BricksAndStones)

Kim Kardashian's ass is a miracle of nature. Or maybe science. A little of column A and a little of column B, perhaps. (HQ Celeb)

Yeah anyway, why isn't R. Kelly acting in major studio films yet? (Screen Junkies)

Ideal: (Adjective) Satisfying one's conception of what is perfect; most suitable.

Vanessa Hudgens is reportedly going for a part in the Twilight sequel New Moon, as werewolf Leah Clearwater. Really?! Leah Clearwater is the best name they could come up with? Whatevs.

According to Twilight and New Moon actress Ashley Greene told MTV that she would be happy to co-star with Hudgens. "I think she'd be great," Greene said Sunday. (Source)

All I really know about Vanessa Hudgens is that she stars in those High School Musical movies, took naked pictures of herself once and is really into gay dudes. Going by those standards so far, if the werewolf in Twilight likes to sing and get naked, she'd probably be perfect for the part.

More of Tits McWolfie and Her Little Gay at the Golden Globes:

Tragic: (Adjective) Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.

Remember New Kids on the Block's big reunion last year? So how's that been going, anyway? Well, I can tell you this, they've got one huge gig lined up. Just don't say I didn't tell you it was on a cruise ship.

Traveling from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. to the Bahamas, NKOTB will entertain fans on board with special performances and meet and greets. Jokes McIntyre: "We're not going to be drinking pina coladas, we'll be serving them!" (Source)

Wow. That would be funny if it weren't just s'darn sad. Oh, who am I kidding, it's still hilarious. But more hilarious in a way like if you're watching "America's Funniest Home Videos" and some guy accidentally gets hit in the nuts by a golf club. Like, "Yow, that smarts! But its still really fucking funny!"*

* Editor's note: Bob Saget 4EVA!

Exhibitionist: (Noun) Of someone with a mental condition characterized by the compulsion to display one's genitals in public.

Another day, another round of candid Miley Cyrus self portraits hit the internet. I am no more certain that this chick will make a sex tape the moment she turns eighteen then I am about tomorrow being Wednesday or that the topic of Maury being DNA paternity tests.

Gracious: (Adjective) Courteous, kind, and pleasant.

Fergie's wedding sounds like it was a real treat for her guests. For one thing, as her mother Terri told Seacrest yesterday, if you had been invited, don't even think about bringing a date with you.

There were "350, 375 people were there," Terri said, "and that was keeping it way down! So many people couldn't bring a date unless they paid me money or something! It had to be someone you're actually engaged to or something like that." (Source)

Additionally, in order to attend the prestigious wedding of Fergalicious; I hope you don't mind being treated like cattle or having your personal belongings rifled through and confiscated:

A source tells the New York Daily News, "We couldn't bring anything with us. No cell phones, no cameras, nothing. We all met in a parking lot, where we were searched and went through metal detectors. Then we boarded buses and were taken to a private ranch-style estate in Malibu." (Source)

Yeah, because what kind of jerk would actually bring a camera to a wedding? The nerve of some people. But to be fair, this wasn't just any wedding, but the wedding of Fergie. So the flash photography rules apply, just like when you go to the zoo.

More of Fergie and Groom of Fergie leaving for their honeymoon:

Warefare: (Noun) Engagement in or the activities involved in war or conflict.

Because there's nothing I love more than being right: I so called this. Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson really did hate each other's pretentious, criminal-dating, shark-mouthed and pedestrian, ditzy, her-kid-doesn't-know-who-to-call-daddy guts.

A production staffer who worked on the film claims the nastiness in many of the actresses' fight scenes ''didn't require all that much acting. ... They really didn't get along all that well.''

The set source, however, did say, ''I think these are two such different women. Anne is more of an intellectual and Kate comes off as something of a dizzy lightweight. ... It's hard to believe those two would have anything in common,'' also claiming she overheard both women making catty comments about the other. (Source)

Of course, I didn't need any of this to tell me that they hate each other, it was obvious enough by their body language at the premiere. When, say, Scarlett Johansson for example, attends a Hollywood premiere with a female co-star -- it usually looks like she's using every ounce of her willpower not to start making out with said female co-star. These two on the other hand, look so uncomfortable next to each other you'd think they were standing next to a bomb-wielding terrorist or Gilbert Godfrey or something.

More of Anne Hathaway outclassing Kate Hudson at the Golden Globes:

Here's Pajiba 3rd Annual Shit List. What pissed you off about 2008? (Pajiba)

Katie Holmes finished her final Broadway performance and then high-tailed it to LA so she could support her losing loser of a husband. (Seriously? OMG!)

Now A-Rod, too? Christ, what won't Kate Hudson bang? (Yeeeah!)

Introducing... The Phantom of the Golden Globes! OoOooh! (The Blemish)

What?? How could Sasha Baron Cohen get booed for making a Madonna joke? Was the audience full of 500 Gwyneth Paltrows? (Celebitchy)

Jamie Lynn Spear's redneck hootinanny wedding is SO ON! (Celebslam)

Stay tuned for NSFW, totally nekkid Kanye West pics!! (Agent Bedhead)

Holy smacks... Danny Bonaduce is gonna get his ass kicked by Jose Canseco! (CelebSmack)

Whatever happened to Shannon Elizabeth anyway? (usemycomputer)

Courtney Love with just enough camera filters and airbrushing to make her look not totally disgusting for once. (popbytes)

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that Megan Fox's entire existence is superfluous. (Lainey Goss)

Lindsay Lohan is friends with creepy people on myspace. (IBBB)

Harsh: (Adjective) Unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses.

Heather Mills appeared at some healthy cooking event for charity this weekend, but since I refuse to believe that Heather Mills is capable of any thoughts or actions that aren't motivated purely by hate, greed or craziness; I will now take this opportunity to make fun of her new haircut. Yikes. I usually like short haircuts but this seems to instantly transform her from a bitchy, insane 40-something to a bitchy, insane 60-something. It's like Martha Stewart crossed with the evil queen from Snow White when she was in hag mode. Well, you know, if the evil queen only had one leg and was somehow capable of even more evilness, anyway.

Dumped: (Verb) Abandon or desert someone.

Amy Winehouse is being kicked to the curb by husband Blake Fielder-Civil... Err, being kicked to the prison bars, anyway; after being photographed recently with the hunky 21-year-old rugby player, Josh Bowman, in St. Lucia.

Celebrity lawyer Henri Brandman told MailOnline that Blake had instructed him to launch the action on the grounds of Amy's adultery. It is thought that Blake will go for half of Amy's £10 million fortune. (Source)

I don't know what he's so pissy about. They were only photographed cavorting and cuddling and kissing; sometimes with her topless and sometimes with a bikini on. It's not like she was photographed etching the guy's name into her skin with the same razorblade she had just used to cut a line of coke. Because, then -- let me tell you. That would be the ultimate betrayal.

More of Jewfro Amy and her Boy Toy in St. Lucia last week:

Incestuous: (Adjective) Involving or guilty of incest.

I love this story so much I want to impregnate it with web-footed tail babies: Michael C. Hall has married his onscreen "Dexter" co-star Jennifer Carpenter, who plays his sister on the series.

Hall, 37, and Carpenter, 29 -- who have been quietly dating for about a year and a half -- eloped in California on New Year's Eve, his rep tells The Associated Press. (Source)

Michael C. Hall is so dreamy I'd marry him if he were my brother, too. And not just onscreen adopted brother, I'd marry him even if he were my real life blood brother. I mean, incest laws must have some sort of loopholes on the condition that your brother is a total effing hunk, right? You'd think at least Arkansas would allow for that sort of thing.

More of Dexter and Deb's first public appearance as husband and wife at the Golden Globes:

Crossbreeding: (Verb) The act of an animal or plant produced by mating or hybridizing two different species, breeds, or varieties.

Recording artist and sometimes pants-pisser Fergie married longtime fiancee Josh Duhamel this weekend, at the Church Estate Vineyards in Malibu.

Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.

The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees, with the ceiling covered in lights. (Source)

Well this certainly is a final slap in the face to gay rights in the state of California. A dude can't marry another dude and a lady can't marry another lady; but apparently Josh Duhamel can marry whatever exactly the hell a "Fergie" is.

More of Fergie performing in Vegas on New Years Eve:

The Golden Globes were last night, and unfortunately I didn't watch because I'm sick and went to bed early. But from what I've gathered so far, the highlight of the evening was Ryan Seacrest tripping over himself to interview Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on the red carpet only to have them brush past him like the tiny, sad little gnat he is. So what I really can't wait for is next weekend, when Joel McHale runs the clip on a loop for pretty much the entire duration of "The Soup."

At any rate, Angelina Jolie looked much better than she did at the Critic's Choice Awards last week, as she usually does when she lets her hair down natural instead of violently pulling it back from her face. Brad Pitt on the other hand, I barely recognized at first because I thought security detail got lost and wandered out right into the middle of the red carpet.

For anyone who cares, you'll find a complete list of winners here. For everyone else, jump on inside for more dresses and dresses and dresses!

"Unless you are an older lady with a very low threshold for entertainment," you will regret seeing Bride Wars. (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt must be reading all the shit I say about wanting to kick their asses. (The Blemish)

Jessica Simpson done fucked her lips up big time. (Celebslam)

Amy Winehouse is shockingly not very popular with the other guests at the resort she's been staying at. (Yeeeah!)

Woohoo!! Jensen Ackles interview from Jimmy Kimmel!! And don't even give me that "Jensen Who?" crap again. (Seriously? OMG!)

Pink and Fez might be dating. Whereas most people may disagree as to the attractiveness of Pink, I think most people can agree that she can do way better. (Celebitchy)

What would Amy Winehouse look like if she was addicted to food instead of crack? (Agent Bedhead)

Daniel Baldwin thinks he's a different Baldwin. (CelebSmack)

Here's Evangeline Lilly at the premiere of Afterwards. (usemycomputer)

Lindsay Lohan needs a Tina Fey intervention. (Lainey Goss)

Filthy: (Adjective) Disgustingly dirty.

Page Six is reporting that a certain Olsen Twin was caught not washing her hands after she went to the bathroom. But the thing that may actually surprise you was that it wasn't even the dirty one! It was actually Ashley Olsen, who was seen leaving a movie theater bathroom stall in Union Square after having seen Revolutionary Road without washing her hands. I don't know what the big deal is, though. The Olsens aren't normal people like you and me. Just because she was using the bathroom doesn't mean she was going to the bathroom. There are plenty of other reasons she could have been in there. Like doing coke, for example. Or purging. See, that's why people need to take the time to think about these kind of things before they go forming a lynch mob.

More of Germy McGee at some store launch in Soho back in November:

Malnourished: (Adjective) Suffering from malnutrition.

Now that she doesn't have the obligation of providing nourishment to anything growing in her womb, it seems like Angelina Jolie is back on a healthy diet of consuming no actual solid food. And I guess she thought she could mask this by showing up at the Critic's Choice awards draped in whatever you call this boring ass thing she's wearing. Remember back in the good old days when Angelina Jolie used to actually eat and didn't look like corpse with fish lips? Then again, now that I think back to the "good old days" maybe they weren't so good after all, what with Bush's ass still firmly planted in the White House and gas costing well over $3 per gallon. But at least my homoerotic Angelina Jolie fantasies weren't suffering, anyway -- and isn't that what's really important? 

Freudian Slip: (Noun) An unintentional error regarded as revealing subconscious feelings.

Kate Hudson went on "The Rachael Ray Show" yesterday and talked about an incident that took place while filming Bride Wars when she accidentally punched Anne Hathaway in the face.

"We were really tired, and I had this big rock on my finger. ... I whacked Annie in the face so hard," Hudson said on the Rachael Ray show Thursday. "She was like: No, no, keep going because she was so into it. ... Two hours later, she's sitting in the back of a car with an ice pack on her face. I was so bad. I really clocked her." (Source)

Phil Hartman's character on "Newsradio" once said: "Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man." Kate Hudson has arguably made one decent film in her entire career and has been stuck in chick flick romcom hell ever since. Anne Hathaway on the other hand, seems to be building herself a respectable career and was probably just slumming it for Bride Wars to pay for a new house or something. So what does this all mean? The chances that Kate Hudson "accidentally" punched Anne Hathaway are about as good as me "accidentally" pouring pinot grigio in my orange juice glass instead of orange juice this morning.

More of Kate Hudson wearing some ugly trailer park sheet at the People's Choice Awards:

Shamefaced: (Adjective) Feeling or expressing shame or embarrassment.

Ohhhhh snap! Frost Queen Nicole Kidman is totally pulling a Heigl and trying to distance herself from the cinematic manure,* Australia.

"I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done," Kidman, 41, told Sydney radio station 2dayFM. At the Sydney premiere of the Baz Luhrmann-directed epic, "I sat there, and I looked at Keith [Urban] and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?'" she said.

She went on to say that she only went to the film's premiere to support her director. "I don't usually see my films, but because of Baz I had to see it," she said. "I saw Moulin Rouge. I've really only seen that and this in my whole career. It gets worse as I get older." (Source)

Well you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20. But I guess it helps if the object in your hindsight just happens to be an astoundingly colossal critical and commercial pile of fail. All I'm saying is that I sure as hell didn't hear any of this bitching after she did the movie back in the 90's where she played that slutty reporter who effed a teenage boy to get him to kill her husband, is all.

* Does anyone else have trouble pronouncing the word manure? I always say it "man-urr" and people make fun of me. Discuss.

More of Nicole and her girly husband at the premiere of that movie she hated:

Here is Pajiba's Guide to the 10 Best Films of 2008. Any other list or guide you may read is totally irrelevant, trust me.  (Pajiba)

Verne Troyer was prom king back in high school. Cruel joke or act of charity? (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay and Sam Break-up Watch! Thursday edition! (The Blemish)

Katie Holmes Haggard Watch! Thursday Edition! (Seriously? OMG!)

Why wouldn't Kendra Wilkinson want to get married at the same place where she was shared with two other woman by a dirty old man? (Celebitchy)

It's decision time! Snaggletooth versus Wonkeye! (Ayyyy!)

Of course Liza Minelli has big fans. She is faaaaabulous! (cityrag)

Scarlett Johansson can pull off a red dress like nobody's business. (Popoholic)

Jessica Simpson got a slot in the "Wives of the Dallas Cowboys Cookbook." Thanks but I already know how to make a fluffernutter.  (Bricks And Stones)

Hahahahahahaha. (Celebslam)

Indefatigable: (Adjective) Of a person or their efforts persisting tirelessly.

Scarlett Johansson annoys the piss out of me with her too-cool-for-school nonchalance and holier-than-thou attitude; but I can't say the girl isn't serious about what she does. And you know who else is just as serious and hard-working as ScarJo? That's right: Lindsay Lohan. No really, she said so:

But what hurts me the most is that I work just as hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett Johansson, but I just don't get the opportunities that they get because people are so distracted by the mess that I created in my life. But that doesn't mean it's going to last forever." (Source)

Honestly, the only fathomable thing I see in common between Lindsay Lohan and Scarlett Johansson is cup size. And even then I'm pretty sure Scarlett Johansson's anthropomorphized left tit works harder than Lindsay Lohan's.

More of the hardest working girl in showbiz at a nightclub in Miami last week:

Freak Show: (Noun) A sideshow at a fair, featuring abnormally developed people or animals.

You know what really takes the fun out of pointing and laughing at celebrities for their horribly disfigured plastic surgery faces? When they fess up to the fact that they fucked up, like Lisa Rinna who is now actually admitting to looking like a freak.

"I tried it because my girlfriends did it," she says. "I thought, 'I'll do it! I saw a photo and I was like, 'Oh Jesus. That's no good. That's NOT good.'

"When you change your face, you don't look like yourself," she goes on. "Looking fresher is one thing. I look like a freak! I always said I wouldn't change my face, but I did it.

"I can't not be honest about it. I'd look like a fool. It's so obvious," she goes on. "But when this happened, I realized I couldn't hide it." (Source)

Her honestly is refreshing and all, but the only problem here is that when most people have that "I'm... A.... MONSTER...!" realization, it's usually followed by years of shame and reclusion. So what I don't get is that why is she still all over the place being annoying when what she should be doing is hiding out in the back tunnels of an opera house somewhere.

More of the Amazing Silly Putty Faced Woman at the Bride Wars premiere:

Second Rate: (Adjective) Of mediocre or inferior quality.

The People's Choice awards were held last night, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt won big collecting Favorite Female Action Star and Favorite Leading Man awards. However, neither of whom were on hand to accept their awards. Wanna know why? Because nobody important goes to the People's Choice awards. Which is why, pictured here, we have Jay Mohr and the surgical monstrosity formerly known as Nikki Cox.

Tons more mediocrity in fancy dresses, after the jump:

Balls: (Noun) Unwarranted courage or nerve.

"Girls Gone Wild" Scumhole Joe Francis has teamed up with controversial instigator Larry Flynt, and the two are heading to Washington propose a $5 billion "porn bailout" to ensure the stability of the ever important and prestigious porn industry.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt says. "It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America."

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration." (Source)

Aside from the most obvious reasons why the merits of their case are bullshit, at least in Joe Francis' case, his company requires almost literally no overhead. He finds marginally-retarded slutty girls to take their tops off for free and then records them in the act. Maybe he gives them a T-shirt afterwards. However much that costs. But really, this is all besides the point because somebody should bury Joe Francis up to his neck in dirt, play croquet with his head and knock out all of the pearly white teeth in his stupid shark's mouth.

Here are the best films you probably didn't see in 2008. (Pajiba)

Madonna invites you to take a whiff. (CelebSmack)

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston really need to stop talking about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. (The Blemish)

Steve Martin is too sexy for his shorts. (Seriously? OMG!)

Guess what diarrhea spilled out of Pete Wentz's mouth this time? (Celebitchy)

Jessica Alba alongside her mom. Spitting image? Just wait 25 years. (Celebslam)

Lily Allen still wants to beat Katy Perry down, and also? She just made me kinda fall in love with her. (Agent Bedhead)

And if you're interested, additionally, here is Lily Allen's philosophy on cocaine. Spoiler alert! She doesn't think it's all that bad! (Lainey Goss)

I'm pretty sure if you sawed Ann Counter's head off with a chainsaw she would simply grow another. (Yeeeah!)

I have to admit, Lindsay Lohan is looking pretty fab these days. (usemycomputer)

United Front: (Noun) A coalition formed to oppose a force that menaces the interests of all the members.

God, celebrities are so predictable. After news broke of their impending divorce, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are going on a "Happy Marriage Publicity Tour," which kicked off with a very public, extended holiday vacation in Puerto Rico. Once "source" (a.k.a. J. Lo's publicist) says this:

"The marriage is experiencing frustrations because of the added stress of the twins," says another source familiar with the situation, "but they will work things out. They love each other, and that will dictate what happens. I don't think divorce is in the picture." (Source)

Really, who are they fooling? This charade will continue until people kind of forget about them for a few minutes, and then all of a sudden they'll sneak in their divorce announcement like it was their idea in the first place. And the only difference between now and then is that by then I'll be effing sick of writing about it. Ohhhhhh... Well played, J Lo. Well played.

More of J. Lo and Rat Face at the inauguration ceremony of Puerto Rican Governor Luis Fortuno. Editor's note: notice the blatant showing off of the wedding ring!

Diet: (Noun) A special course of food to which one restricts oneself to lose weight.

If you thought Katie Holmes achieved that gaunt look of hers just from a grueling work schedule, taking care of a toddler and Scientology brainwashing; think again! She's got a little secret: The calorie burning diet drink Celsius!

The actress’s bodyguard was pictured holding the soft drink for her as she signed autographs for fans outside the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre in Manhattan where she has been performing in the Arthur Miller play All My Sons.

Celsius, Holmes's drink of choice, contains a ‘thermogenic blend’ which increases metabolism in order to burn calories, each bottle contains less than 10 calories and its makers claim that it can burn up to 77 calories over a three to four hour period. (Source)

Then again, how do we know that the Celsius is definitely for Katie? I mean, I know she's technically a toddler and everything, but Suri's cheeks have been looking a bit chubby lately. Maybe those little Burberry dresses she wears were starting to get a little tight, eh? That'd hardly be the result of a growth spurt. I'm pretty sure "growing" is one of those human functions that Sceintology doesn't believe in.

More of Katie walking around NYC a few weeks ago:

Abhorrent: (Adjective) Inspiring disgust and loathing; repugnant.

Perez Hilton released his new book Red Carpet Suicide yesterday, because yes: Perez Hilton has a book out! I didn't think his hammy little hooves were good for anything besides drawing coke boogers on pictures, but apparently he can write words and form ideas, too! But what I don't understand is why anyone would actually buy a Perez Hilton book when you can just go on Perez Hilton's website to read all of his immature, blithering crap. It's just like they say: Why buy the cow when you can get the cow pies for free?

More from his book launch. Seriously America, nobody buy this. I beg you.

Addition: (Noun) The action or process of adding something to something else.

Hugh Hefner has added another girl to his harem in addition twins Whore 1 and Whore 2; the 22-year-old college student Crystal Harris. Although Harris has been seen photographed with Hef for several weeks, it's just now coming out that she's become one of his girlfriends.

Harris hasn't posed for her boyfriend's magazine, but did appear in a series of topless and semi-nude photos as a Co-ed of the Week on Playboy.com in late October under the name "Crystal Carter."

Pin-up moments aside, the 34-25-34 San Diego State University psychology student and PETA supporter lists "the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals" among her interests. (Source)

I went to college at a state school and literally half the kids were psychology majors, so I used to joke about how psychology was the major that you picked if you didn't know what the hell you wanted to do with your life. But clearly, Crystal has proven me wrong; she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. It's not her fault San Diego State doesn't offer a "Whore" curriculum.

Which cinematic turds stunk the worst in 2008? (Pajiba)

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are having fun someplace warmer than you are. (Yeeeah!)

Nobody loves Jennifer Love Hewitt. (BricksAndStones)

Have you got an inflatable dick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (omg blog)

China is banning gossip sites for having quote-unquote pornographic materials? What are they, communist or something? Ohhhhhhh... (The Blemish)

OH HELL YES: Sanjaya!!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

Guess who thinks Pete Wentz is a genius? I don't even have to tell you it's John Mayer. (Celebitchy)

Here is irrefutable evidence that George Clooney is banging Paris Hilton. (cityrag)

Lindsay Lohan posts her daily Samantha Ronson breakup denial. (CelebWarship)

I thought the collective diva would rip a hole in the spacetime continuum if Beyonce and Mariah Carey were ever in the same place? (HQ Celeb)

Tween sensation JoJo is all growns up. (usemycomputer)

Unintentional Comedy: (Noun) The act of making people laugh without actually meaning to.

Somebody who identified themselves as "Courtney Love's Head Administrator" updated her myspace blog with news on the whereabouts of her upcoming album "Nobody's Daughter." The bad news is it's been delayed. The good news is they already have some sweets sponsors!

"The artwork is pretty much done. Courtney has $30 million in sponsorships, from a prominent feminine hygiene/menstrual company and a prominent tequila company. And Courtney doesn't even understand that part!" (Source)

I'm completely at a loss here. Is this somebody's idea of a joke? I mean, if anyone should be the face of feminine hygiene and tequila, it's this lady here. Or even better yet, a feminine hygiene -- wait for it -- tequila. Perfect for the gal on the go who doesn't have time to worry about vaginal cleanliness on those off-times between binges!

Lies: (Noun) Intentionally false statements.

Oooh, I've got a good one. Are you ready for this? Really for real? Ok, here we go: Paris Hilton has only banged a "couple of people." True story. Hahahaha.

"I've only done it (had sex) with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you." (Source)

That's kind of a shame, because a wise woman once said, "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers." No wait, that was Paris Hilton who said that, and she said it in The Hottie and the Nottie. Well either way I think she's wasting her precious gift by keeping it all to herself, because no one respects Paris Hilton anyway. She could literally join a convent and the other nuns would mutter "whore" under their breath.

More of Chastity McPrude at "The Bongo Virus" NYE party with sister Nicky:

Double Whammy: (Noun) A twofold blow or setback.

Sorry for the late start today, guys. I had an emergency involving my dog having multiple seizures in the middle of the night and spent the morning at the veterinarian's office. Suffice to say, I'm not exactly in the gossip mood.

But luckily for me, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway lobbed me an underhand pitch by showing up at the premiere of Bride Wars wearing two of the saddest, most unfortunate outfits I've ever seen in my life. Kate Hudson's dress looks like she picked it up on sale in the dumpster behind Jessica McClintock. I mean, really? A mermaid tail? There's a reason why curvy girls stick to those dresses, and even Beyonce is shying away from them these days. Finally. And then there's Anne Hathaway who appears to have shown up at the premiere straight from her day job behind the cosmetic counter at Nordstroms. So thanks guys, you really know how to brighten a girl's morning.

Marley & Me is still beating the dogcrap out of Benjamin Button. (Pajiba)

NO. Again, Amy Winehouse, with the topless beach photos? SIGH. (The Blemish)

Guess what asinine names Rebecca Romjin and Jerry O'Connel picked out for their newborn twin girls? (Seriously? OMG!)

As much as I loathe John Travolta and the shammy religion he subscribes to; what happened this weekend is about as sad as it gets around here. (CelebSmack)

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got all "Domestic Disturbance" with it on New Year's Eve. (Yeeeah!)

Wanna hear about Verne Troyer's sex life? No? Well here it is, anyway. (Celebitchy)

Paula Abdul might get her own talk show, lovingly filling in the gap on "The Soup" that Tony Danza's show left long ago. (Celebslam)

Claiming that Pete Wentz is hot is an offense punishable by a severe pointing and laughing at. (Agent Bedhead)

I don't know who Veronica Hugo is, but she fills out a latex suit very nicely, I'll give her that. (usemycomputer)

Check out who's fat and gross according to the National Enquirer. (popbytes)

Miley Cyrus and Underwear Boy go on a double date with Daddy and God like they're not consummating the shit out of that illegal relationship. (Lainey Goss)

The "big stars" at Pure nightclub for NYE were decidedly sad sack. (IBBB)

Cuteness: (Noun) The state of being overwhelmingly cute.

It's kind of a slow news day, so here are gratuitously adorable photos of John Stewart and his son Nathan at a Knicks game last night. really. How ridiculously cute are these pictures? If somebody could bottle and sell cute, I bet "Jon Stewart and Son At Basketball Game" would even outsell even the "Dogs Dreaming" and "Baby Panda Bear" flavors.

Oops: (Exclamation) Used to show recognition of a mistake or minor accident.

Last week rumors surfaced that Britney Spears is now dating Indian choreographer/dancer, Sandip Soparrkar. Just when I finally learned how to spell "Adnan Ghalib," too. Only problem is, it turns out Sandip kind of already has a girlfriend.

Soparrkar's model girlfriend says, "Britney did come over to India and she and Sandip went away for a few days, but it was purely professional. They were busy rehearsing. I really do wish she'd just leave us alone now." (Source)

Yeah, good luck with that, lady. I'm sure Shar Jackson said the same thing when people started coming up to asking, "Uhh, isn't that, like, the father of your children gallivanting on a beach with Britney Spears on the cover of The National Enquirer? She was probably like, "No, it's cool. They just work together."

Homewrecker Delight performing on "Good Morning America" a few weeks ago:

Copycat: (Noun) use) A person who copies another's behavior, dress, or ideas.

Jennifer Aniston spent her New Year's in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico with Courntey Cox and John Mayer. Speaking of "Rock of Love,"maybe if Jennifer Aniston watched something on television other than "Friends" reruns she might have known that that look was kind of already taken. So, hey Jennifer! Rodeo from "Rock of Love" called! Yeah, she made some kind of unintelligible noises into the phone followed by this horrible braying laugh. Good thing she didn't ask for her look back or anything.

Awesome: (Adjective) Extremely good; totally excellent.

The "Rock of Love: Charm School" reunion aired last night and it was everything I thought it could be and more. Well, maybe not "and more" because I would have liked a little more footage of the actual fisticuffs, to be honest. First of all, when news came in of a physical altercation between Sharon Osbourne and Megan, nobody said that Megan was going to be totally effing wasted. (Melee starts at 7:00 minute mark.) Second of all, it was originally reported that Megan called Ozzy a "brain-dead rock star," and not, in fact, whatever expletives that were behind the bleeping sound that came out of Megan's mouth. And you know, while I don't know exactly what Megan said; I agree with her 100%. That whole worthless, stinking Osbourne clan has been milking the fame of the family patriarch for how long now under the guise of actual celebrity. At least Megan has the decency to just put on a bikini and say, "Hey, I'm a useless whore! Love me for who I am!" And that, my friends, is something I can respect at the end of the day.

Speaking of which, here's Ozzy Osbourne's most famewhorey offspring at Flaunt magazine's 10th anniversary party last month:

Eulogy: (Noun) A speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, typically someone who has just died.

Katy Perry, candidate for "Most Annoying Asshole of 2008," has broken up with her Gym Class Heroes boyfriend Travis McCoy. The split was confirmed after Travis posted the following lyrics to Main Source's "Looking at the Front Door" last week:

"We fight every night, now that's not kosher. I reminisce with bliss of when we was closer. And wake up to be greeted by an argument again, You act like you're 10...My friends always tell me how I'm lucky to possess the best looking girl in the whole U.S....it seems like just two years back when we were bonded and not pierced, but now I keep itchin' to jet," he wrote. (Source)

My overwhelming hatred of Katy Perry wants my first reaction to be something along the lines of, "This guy was too good for her anyway." But the sad fact of the matter is that Travis McCoy is pretty much best friends with the biggest tool in the world, and also posts songs lyrics to announce a break-up despite not being 15-years-old and in high school. Plus, just look at the guy. So really, the only way he could have been more alike and perfect for Katy Perry is if he were also her long lost fraternal twin. (Incest-alicious!)

More of Katy Perry hosting some New Year's Eve thing dressed like the Webster's dominatrix: