Here are the Top Ten Directors in Hollywood who should be launched in a rocket headed for the sun. (Pajiba)

Kirsten Bell has collarbones sculpted by none other than Zeus himself. (usemycomputer)

What kind of bullcrap are Janet Jackson's people going to try to spin to cover up her illness being related to gastric bypass surgery gone wrong? (Yeeeah!)

"Charm School" is back!! October 12th can not get here fast enough. (Seriously? OMG!)

Some cop took pictures of Heather Locklear being arrested on his personal cell phone as "evidence." Yeah, evidence to his friends and family that being an LA cop is the bitchinist job in the world! (The Blemish)

James Blunt will stop singing for the right price? Would the right price be a personal offer by myself not to kick him in the nuts? (Celebitchy)

Heidi Montag's mom hates "King Dilweed" as much as us normal people. (Best Week Ever)

Julia Stiles is a retarded version of Wonder Woman. (Ayyyy!)

Celebrities and weed go together like chocolate and peanut butter. (cityrag)

Grimey Shenaenae knows that the best and only way to deflect rumors is to blog bitchingly about them on the internet. (CelebWarship)

Jenny McCarthy vs. Amanda Peet: Fight! Fight! Fight! (BricksAndStones)

Audrina "Dumb Shit" Patridge wearing some ridiculous swimsuit. (HQ Celeb)

Katy Perry still annoys me but I kind of love her dress and sparkly hair thing. (Popoholic)

Full Of Shit: (Adjective) Of a lying liar person who tells lies.

Britney Spears' camp is vehemently denying the existence of a Britney Spears-Adnan Ghalib sex tape after Old Landing Strip Chin told the British magazine Heat that he was ready to sell.

Ghalib is also playing hard to get. His cell phone number is disconnected. His former photo agency, JFX, tells E! News that Ghalib "never worked for us" and has not been able to provide any contact information for him. (Source)

Huh. That's funny. I guess one man's "hard to get" is another man's "dumb shithead couldn't afford to pay his cellphone bill." Give me an effing break. If a loser like Adnan had a Britney Spears sex tape he'd be shopping that around within seconds of when Britney stopped being crazy anymore and thus rightfully kicked his creepy Vaginal Stripped face to the curb. That's like having a winning lottery ticket in your pocket and neglecting to cash it in because you want to adoringly gaze at it. Although to the lottery ticket's advantage, it probably has a lot less hiney acne.

Britney in NYC yesterday in desperate need of First Aid to the weave part of her head:

Ridic: (Adjective) Abbreviation for ridiculous; deserving or inviting mockery; absurd.

Alleged "comedian" Ant, best known for his work on "Fat Celebrity Degradation Circus," is suing British TV hosts who go by "Ant and Dec" for using his name.

Anthony Kalloniatis claims he is losing work because he is being confused for the Geordie double act and fears they could harm his career.

The comedian, 41, who hosts the US version of Celebrity Fit Club, also claims Ant and Dec's involvement in shows embroiled in phone-in scandals could also tarnish 'his valuable reputation'. (Source)

Now I want everyone to just stop for a moment to drink that in. Because unless I'm hallucinating, they really, really did use the phrases "Celebrity Fit Club" and "valuable reputation" in the same breath. I mean sure, I like watching Carnie Wilson crawl around in the mud in the name of so-called fitness as much as the next soulless bastard, but hell -- I don't even like to admit that in mixed company.

Burn: (Verb) To insult or disrespect someone.

People magazine reportedly paid a paltry $500,000 for Clay Aiken's big fat gay announcement and pictures of his baster baby, (small change for celebrity baby photos) and part of the reason is because nobody even wanted them. Not even OK! Magazine, who will take any old scraps.

A rep said, "We did bid on the Clay story but thought it was just all right, not phenomenal."(Source)

Would someone like to explain to me how is Clay Aiken coming out is not phenomenal? I sure hope they had something equally shocking and scandalous lined up for that week, like reports that Angelina Jolie actually goes to the bathroom or something. I mean, you wouldn't think she would, right? She's just so perfect!

Friends with Benefits: (Phrase) A physically involved relationship, where both partners enjoy some comforts of a serious relationship and simple friendship.

Despite being caught -- gasp!! -- holding hands, reps for Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel claim that the two are not back together.

Over the weekend, they held hands at a Thai karaoke bar in Hollywood. After seeing photographers, Kimmel began to walk backwards and covered his face as Silverman smiled and walked forward. But a rep downplays any romance, telling Usmagazine.com: "They remain close friends." (Source)

Come on now, what's a little hand-holding between friends? Or even a little face-farting between friends? You know, that game where you fart in your boyfriend or girlfriend's face to see who can make the other person pass out first? Well, maybe you've never heard of it, but I heard that was called "Friday Night" in the Silverman-Kimmel household.

Sarah tearing into her "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" Emmy like there's a chocolate surprise inside. Editor's Note: and not the kind of chocolate surprise she usually got from Jimmy, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Pssst: I mean scat humor.

Make-Believe: (Adjective) Something pretended; feigned; imaginary; made-up.

I want to know, dammit. No! I really want to know who this horseshit is marketed towards. Are there really, honestly people who exist in this world who will say: "Yes. That is what I want to smell like. A retarded fairy whore." This is one of life's greatest mysteries for me, along with anyone who thinks Sarah Palin was a good idea and how football works. Don't even try to explain that last one to me either, because I don't care and I won't listen.

More of Paris headed into Letterman last week to promote her Retarded Fairy Whore perfume. Yes, she really was on Letterman for that.

Wait a damn minute. That Kirk Cameron Fireproof bee ess was a box office release? Someone please hold me. (Pajiba)

The hell? I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly! (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse has struck again and authorities now fear that she may be rabid. (Yeeeah!)

Jennifer Aniston soaks it up in Cabos. Life is so hard for celebrities. (The Blemish)

The Reege is going to be guest starring on How I Met Your Mother." (Seriously? OMG!)

YUH-IKES. This takes "bromance" to a whole disturbing new level. (Celebslam)

Maybe this is pretty mean... But still: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Agent Bedhead)

Jennie Garth looked totally adorable at the March of Dimes thinger. (IDWYL)

Tara Reid is back to looking like hot death warmed over. (usemycomputer)

James Franco does the peace sign so much cuter than Miley Cyrus. (popbytes)

Little Stephanie from "Full House" needs a groomer. (IBBB)

That scumdick Adnan Ghalib is shopping around a Britney Spears sex tape. (IDLYITW)

Oooh. This is a close-up look of Britney I'd much rather see. Do tell! Is there an eat-in kitchen??? (CelebSmack)

And on a final Britney Spears News note, she still won't take that damn ratty-ass weave out of her head. (Lainey Gossip)

Best Friends: (Noun) The one friend who is closest to you.

To be totally honest with you guys, I had kind of a rough weekend, and I wasn't going to post anything else today... But then I came across this picture. Adorable Sarah Michelle Gellar + Adorable Dolphin = Pretty Much The Cutest Thing I Have Ever Seen In My Whole Life. I bet that dolphin is totally a better kisser than lameass Freddie Prinze Jr., too.

Jesus Christ: (Exclamation) Taking the name of the central figure of the Christian religion in vain to express disgust or surprise.

So, I guess this means the transformation is nearly complete, eh? I guess the only thing left to do from here is saw off Katie's feet at the ankles and have them reattached mid-shin.

Influence: (Noun) The capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something.

Lily Allen found herself in some shit from an anti-violence group this weekend after being photographed wearing a gold machine gun necklace on Friday. (Photo not found.)

Lyn Costello, from anti-violence group MAMAA, says: "She is glamorizing the use of guns. It's totally irresponsible. She's a role model and people look up to her. The last thing we want is people looking at her and thinking guns are fashionable."

"I'm really disappointed in her. She had a meeting with the Mayor saying she's worried about knife crime but is she not worried about gun crime too. If she's really worried about violent crime then she shouldn't wear a necklace that promotes guns." (Source)

Oh please. Little golden guns don't kill people, fully-functioning machine guns kill people. And anyway, I'm pretty sure Lily Allen has her hands full as it is, what with promoting getting falling-down drunk in public and promoting letting her boobs fall out of her shirt to worry about promoting gun use. Seriously, one thing at a time, anti-gun nuts.

Lily looking somewhat confused and disheveled (as is her way ) at the Alfred Dunhill Store Launch Party earlier this month:

Elope: (Verb) To run away with a lover.

As you no doubt have heard by now, Scarlett Johansson and fiancee Ryan Reynolds secretly married this weekend in some kind of remote "wilderness resort" outside of Vancouver. So... We all know what comes next, right? The big preggos announcement! It's true, the two have technically been engaged since May, but come on. When do celebrities ever get married in some tiny, super-secret ceremony unless one of them is pregnant? It's not even brilliant deducting. Over half of Hollywood weddings consist of tiny, super-secret weddings where the bride is pregnant. What the fuck? Have these people never heard of birth control? Or abortions, for that matter? Well, regardless... Congratulations to the happy couple.

Now if you'll excuse me, my ass needs to send a Harry & David basket STAT. No, not to Scarlett and Ryan -- but to my former colleague Dustin, who just got hit by a cherry curveball from this news. What kind of basket says, "I'm sorry your raging mancrush will never be fulfilled?" I'm guessing something with ring bologna.

Here are some uber-hunky recent photos of a bearded Ry-Ren to further ease the pain:

Druggie: (Noun) A drug addict.

Heather Locklear was busted this weekend for suspected drug use after erratic driving and general acts of batshit craziness, after a witness saw her revving her engine and backing over a pair of sunglasses several times in a public parking lot, and subsequently pulling over on a nearby highway.

"The witness called 911 because she was concerned for Locklear's safety," Marshall said. "When a CHP officer arrived, Locklear was found seated inside her vehicle, which was partially blocking the roadway."

Because Locklear appeared "disoriented and impaired," she was taken to a local CHP station and drug and alcohol tests were administered, Marshall said. The actress was cooperative. "Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer's observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication," Marshall added. (Source)

I don't know about you, but I am dying to know what these so-called "observations" were that led the officer to believe she was under the influence of prescription drugs. What could they have been? I feel like it's staring me right in the face, like with huge, gigantic mothereffing dialated pupils... But damned if I can figure it out. Oh well, guess we'll have to wait for the E! True Hollywood Story on this one.

Heather with boyfriend Jack Wagner last Spring: (Editor's Note: Amanda Woodward and Dr. Peter Burns 4EVA!!!!)

For someone who's been arrested fighting in a Waffle House, this is actually an uncharacteristic display of unbridled maturity. (Seriously? OMG!)

That stinkin jerk Sacha Baron Cohen likes to ruin the fun of models. (Popoholic)

Think Katie Holmes couldn't possibly be more boring? I've got two words for ya: "Scrap" and "booking." (Celebitchy)

Speak of the Thetan... The trailer for Crazypants Cruise's new movie is here! (Pajiba)

The ultimate example of art imitating life: a collage of Paris Hilton made entirely out of porn. (Yeeeah!)

Here we go: the shit just totally hit the fan. Lindsay Lohan filed a restraining order against Michael Lohan. (The Blemish)

Clay Aiken got the shaft, and unfortunately it was much less sexy than the kind he usually prefers. (Celebslam)

Katy Perry tries way too hard. Hey, haven't I been saying that all long? (Agent Bedhead)

No wait, I'm fairly certain that this is the most unflattering photo of Amy Winehouse I've ever seen. (IDLYITW)

Listen to Britney's new "Womanizer" single I don't listen to this kind of music, so I have no opinion about this whatsoever. (CelebSmack)

More of Selma Blair wearing something straight out of Boogie Nights on the set of "Kath & Kim." (usemycomputer)

J Lo and Skeletor go together like a horse and carriage? Let me guess which one's the horse. (EOnline)

That Vanessa Hudgens is back to her same old twatty tricks again. (Lainey Gossip)

"Lesbian hijinks" on the set of "The Brady Bunch?" Hellz yeah! (IBBB)

Crying Shame: (Phrase) Typically sarcastic response to an unfortunate situation.

Awww! Sad news, everybody: Miley Cyrus might be losing her voice! I can't attain to the validity of this news, which comes to us via Star Magazine and is denied by her reps -- so keep your fingers crossed.

The teen sensation's multimillion-dollar singing voice could be at risk after she developed a vocal cord nodule, a source tells Star.

"Her concerned parents took her to the doctor, who diagnosed the beginning stages of a nodule," says the source. The small, bump-like mound of tissue, also called a node, is caused by continual straining of the voice and can lead to surgery if left untreated." (Source)

If you've never heard Miley Cyrus speak, the best way I can describe her voice is: "42-year-old diner waitress in the early stages of emphysema." So this very well may be true. Well, at least she's got her looks, right? Ha ha, I'm sorry -- that was just mean. Besides, some guys happen to like rat-faced girls with scoliosis.

OK, OK, I know it's mean to make fun of 15-year-old girls. But you know what? She annoys the living shit out of me. Every time I see her making that stupid peace sign I just want to grab her stupid hand, jab it into her stupid face and go: "Why're you poking your eyes out? Why're you poking your eyes out??"

Seriously. She does it all. The. Effing. Time:

Eye of the Storm: (Phrase) The most intense part of a tumultuous situation.

AUGH! This is just effing terrifying. I don't know if this horribly ill-advised extreme close-up is some particularly cruel photographer's idea of a joke... But for anyone who had any doubt remaining whether or not Christina Aguilera has her make-up applied with a high-pressure house-painting gun, this ought to settle things for once and for all.

More of Spackleface Aguilera -- or quite possibly, an impostor Real Doll® -- at last night's "Rock the Vote" fundraiser:

Smoker: (Noun) A person who smokes tobacco regularly.

Sheneneh Grimes says she doesn't have an eating disorder. And judging by this photo I kind of have to believe her. See? She's totally not an anorexic! She just smokes. A lot. After your fifth or sixth pack a day, the nicotine just kind of kicks in and starts steering the ship, eliminating your need for bodily nourishment.

Off topic: what nickname do you guys like better: Sheneneh like Martin Lawrence in drag, or Grimey, which was Homer Simpson's nickname for Frank Grimes? They're both kind of perfect. Oh, also? I think I'm ten-years-old.

Anyway, more of Sheneneh Grimey at some InTouch thing earlier this month:

Goodwill: (Noun) Friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude.

Wait, did Heidi and Spencer get jobs? Ha ha, just kidding! Yes... The gruesome twosome have finally combined their love of staged photoshoots with their love of charity. Oh, did I say charity? I meant free publicity.

Check out the guy in the background who looks like "Pedro" from Napoleon Dynamite. He is totally like: "What. The Fuck. Is going on here." So I'm sure it was only a matter of time before Heidi and Spencer were told to "take their big-shot camera crew and get the hell out." Really. Even homeless people, when faced with getting a free meal from these two grinning, smug blonde assholes or cutting hunks of flesh off their own bodies to roast over a barrel-fire, I'm sure would start rethinking this whole "auto-cannibalism" thing.

Responsibility: (Noun) The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.

Sometimes I wonder. When Amy Winehouse dies, am I going to feel bad? I mean, of course it'll be tragic, as the downfall of a promising young talent always is... But will I feel genuinely bad because of all the time I spent making fun of her? And the answer is a resounding no.

You wanna know why? Because sure I make fun of her... But see these pictures here? She probably looks worse here than I've ever seen her look. Like literally, she could croak right on the spot. And guess what? She was at a concert paid for her appearance. Money, which was undoubtedly immediately used to buy crack. Sure, I've compared her to jerky, called her a Grade A Scumbag, Crackface, etc... But I've never given her a dime of my own money. It's called tough love, you stupid motherfuckers. And that goes double for any of you who have ever purchased an Amy Winehouse album. Consider yourself an accomplace. See? That's why I steal all of my music off the internet. That's the beauty of illegally downloaded music. No blood on your hands. So suck on that Metallica, you dumb assholes.

Oh snap. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert totally just went there. (Best Week Ever)

Now come on. Why would you lend anything to Amy Winehouse unless you were already planning to throw it away? (Yeeeah!)

Charlize Theron doesn't understand the popularity of "The Hills." Join the club, sister... Join the mothereffing club. (The Blemish)

Squeeeeeee!!! Preview tonight's thrilling ep of "Supernatural." (Seriously? OMG!)

And speaking of my favorite ever shows... "Dexter" is also coming back soon! (Pajiba)

NO JENNIFER ANISTON! BAD JENNIFER ANISTON! (Celebitchy)

Hang on... Is that Shannen Doherty?! Yikes. (Ayyyy!)

Mary Kate Olsen steals from her own sister. For shame. (cityrag)

Shenenae Grimes says to "Shake it off." Shake what off, your barf-bag once you're done heaving lunch? Zing!!! (CelebWarship)

"The Girls Next Door" are a bunch of filthy lying whores. (BricksAndStones)

Lindsay and Samantha are entering Heidi and Spencer territory; albeit with far less dry heaving on my part. (POTP)

Somehow I get the feeling that this "Kath & Kim" business is gonna buh-low. (HQ Celeb)

Only Hayden Panettiere could still look cute raiding Liza Minelli's closet. (Popoholic)

Sexy: (Adjective) Sexually attractive or exciting

Britney Spears is in the process of shooting the video for "Womanizer," the first single off her new album. Apparently the video is supposed to be like "racy" or something, featuring a Bettie Page wig and fake tattoo-wearing Spears.

One witness tells Usmagazine.com it features plenty of "erotic" choreography. (According to a leaked copy of the single, lyrics include: "Boy don’t try to front / I know just what gets you off.")

In one scene, Spears (who wears tight, black leather pants and fake tattoos on her arms in the video) lies on a kitchen counter and later straddles and makes out with a man dressed in business suit. The scene continues with Spears sucking on cherries or dangling them around her mouth, all while straddling and crawling all over the man, the witness says. (Source)

I don't know about you guys, but it sounds like kind of a snoozer to me. Cherries? Really? Britney has played the virgin, whore, stripper, space hooker and crazy British chick. There's really just not much territory left that she hasn't already covered. I mean, I guess technically there is, but last night I checked seducing large, domesticated animals on film was still illegal in all 50 states.

Ten-million dollars says the wig was totally her idea. You know what that means, right? Next stop, Smearing-Your-Own-Poo-On-The-Wallsville!

Train Wreck: (Noun) A  huge, fiery mess you can't take your eyes off of.

The Fox Reality Channel's Reality Awards were held last night... And the only way I can even really begin to describe this sort of affair is imagine every train on planet Earth all crashing into each other at once. Seriously, I think the evening is considered a rousing success if Danny Bonaduce doesn't break anyone's face. These aren't D-List celebrities... These aren't even Q-list celebrities. These are the people leftover after big names like Tila Tequila and Tiffany "New York" Pollard have "scheduling conflicts."

Being that most of the guests are on loan from the nation's various rehab centers, I think if someone were to crack open a bottle of Jack Daniels it would cause mayhem and violent stampeding usually reserved for proms that get hijacked by teenage girls with murderous telekinetic powers.

And yet? I would totally pick this shit over the boring-ass Emmys or Oscars in a hot minute. Christ, the motherbleeping Stallionaires were in the house!







More red crap-et photos after the jump!

Gullible: (Adjective) Easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.

Vanessa Minnillo says she wants to win an Oscar! No wait, let me clarify: Vanessa Minnillo... Of TRL, Nick Lachey's girlfriend, and Disaster Movie -- which I believe may be the first movie to ever actually scored a negative percentige rating on Rotten Tomatoes -- wants to win an Oscar. I know, I know... Wipe the tears.

“My goal is to be acting and winning an Oscar,” the 27-year-old MTV alum told In Touch at the 4th Annual Pink Party in Santa Monica on September 13. “I want to be an actress with an Oscar and babies.” Vanessa — whose romance with Nick Lachey is still going strong — says she looks to Academy Award winner Julia Roberts for inspiration. “She’s phenomenal!” says Vanessa. “I would love to be just like her.” (Source)

Yeah.... How can I put this? Maybe she should aim for that second goal. The one that involves babies. Vanessa Minnillo winning an Oscar is about as likely as a mentally retarded person getting elected President of the United States. Then again... I suppose stranger things have happened. And then happened again, for four more years.

OK, Vanessa? If you're really serious about this, there's no shame in trolling. For you, I'm seeing something in a one-eyed hooker. With scoliosis. And Disaster Movie 2 doesn't count.

Erin Dummovich wearing the tackiest dress ever at the aforementioned Pink Party:

Done: (Adjective)  No longer happening or existing.

Back when Dustin wrote here, one of his favorite targets of vitriol were Natalie Portman and Devendra Banhart; for no other reason that I know of than she being an actress whom he admired and he being a stupid, disgusting hippie not worthy of licking the dog shit off the bottom of her shoe. Oh, and also that totally racist video they made.

So I'm sure Dustin would be very pleased to hear the news that the two have split up. No reasons for the breakup have been given... But if I had to guess, it probably had something to do with figuring out that patchouli stank doesn't come out of cashmere no matter how many times you dry clean it, as well as constantly having to apply Frontline® to his beard.

Editor's note: Love the shorts he's stuffing his sausage into. No really. I think I have those same exact ones from Victoria's Secret.

NatPo at Fashion Week, wearing some kind of awesome looking skirt jawn:

God's Will: (Noun) The omnipotence of a divine being.

While Travis Barker and DJ AM are both in stable condition, a police officer on the scene gave an interview as to what he witnessed the day of the plane crash.

"You could tell he was in pain," Lt. Jason Shumpert of the South Congaree Police Department told the Associated Press on Wednesday. "He just kept saying, 'That's my friends in the plane, that's my friends in the plane,'" Shumpert said.

"It was divine intervention that they got out," he said. (Source)

Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally great that this didn't turn out to be a bigger tragedy than it already was... But damn: really? Divine intervention? I should have known God was some douchebag who listens to Blink 182. I bet he also wears a faux-hawk and pops his collars, too.

Where is the world is Brangelina San Diego? (Celebitchy)

Brooke Hogan claims her boobs are real. Well, I don't know if I believe her, but I just don't care enough to disagree. (Yeeeah!)

And speaking of Hogans, guess which Marine-ruining dickhead is getting out of jail early? (IDLYITW)

Kim Kardashian performed on "Dancing with the Stars" last night... And you'll never guess what song she picked? No really, just try and guess!!! (Celebslam)

Bitch crazy. Seriously, Michael Lohan is out of his fucking gourd. (The Blemish)

YES! The Karate Kid himself, Danielson is back! (Seriously? OMG!)

Hot Cops I get.... But Hot Clowns? (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears sells a piece of herself on Ebay. Guess which one? (CelebSmack)

Emma Watson is looking a far cry from her Harry Potter days. (usemycomputer)

Sexy: Martha Stewart holds the world's longest wiener. (popbytes)

If Ricky Gervais hosts the Oscars, I might actually care about the Oscars. (Lainey Gossip)

PETA says that Ben & Jerry's should be made from human breast milk. Don't even joke about screwing with my "Americone Dream." Now it's personal, bitches. (omg blog)

It's unfair to refer to Hounddog as “The Dakota Fanning Rape Movie” because there are so many better reasons to dislike it. (Pajiba)

Stick-in-the-Mud: (Noun) A person who is dull and unadventurous.

Can I just tell you how much I miss the wacky hijinks of Mike Seaver right about now? Good old sister-insulting, test-cheating, friend-named-Boner having Mike Seaver. Because this Kirk Cameron guy? Huge buzzkill. In his latest retarded Christian film, Fireproof, Cameron explains how he used his wife as a "kissing stand-in" during a romantic scene.

Cameron, a partner in evangelical Christian ministry The Way of the Master, explains, "In Fireproof, there is a romantic and touching scene where he (character) kisses his wife. Because I have a commitment not to kiss any other woman, my wife Chelsea came in to the set and wore the dress my character's wife wore. We shot the scene in silhouette, so when I kiss my wife, I'm actually kissing my wife and honoring our marriage." (Source)

Snore. You know, if you can't even handle a kissing scene like an adult, maybe "professional actor" isn't the right job for you. What would the most boring job ever be? I'm trying to think of something better suited for a fun-hating bible-beater, but even "M&Ms Inspector" runs the risk of those sexy Green M&Ms making eyes at you.

Turd Turderon dressed in character at the premiere of Fireproof: (Editor's note: do you have any idea how much in pains me to post pictures of a fireman without making a joke about putting a fire out in my pants? Fucking Christians.)

Musical Chairs: (Noun) A series of changes or exchanges of position, esp. in a political or commercial organization.

Just one day after I reported that Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst were allegedly giving each other the bitch eye, Kirsten has already dumped The Mac Guy and now Drew Barrymore has moved onto Ed Westwick from "Gossip Girl."

Westwick, wearing leather pants and pointed shoes, accompanied Barrymore to the after-party at Bowery Electric where the pair continued their PDA. Barrymore even straddled Bass — um, we mean Westwick — in a move not dissimilar to that time Serena did it with Nate on the bar. (Source)

Jesus F. Christ. Even I can barely keep up with who these godforsaken celebrities are screwing anymore. If they say you've slept with every other person your lover has slept with, then by my calculations everyone in Hollywood has fucked each other a minimum of fifty times. Kind of like the cheerleading squad and football team, only on a more grand-scale level, and with more homosexuality and incest. It kind of hurts my head even thinking about it. Maybe I should get out of the gossip business and move onto a field less complicated, like global socioeconomics.

Also -- and this may be fairly inconsequential -- but I kind of got the impression that Ed Westwick wasn't totally into... You know, chicks:

Fishing: (Verb) Try subtly or deviously to elicit a response or information from someone.

Hot-ass old lady piece of ass Helen Mirren is trying to downplay her hot-assedness after photos of her looking totally fly in a bikini hit the internet this past summer.

She says, "I am beyond bikini-wearing age. I wouldn't normally wear one. The truth is, I don't really look that good. It was just a flattering picture. I look like a woman in her 60s. I've always looked awful in a bikini-- even when I was young." (Source)

I don't know, sounds like a heaping pile of horseshit served up by a lady whose class and modesty is only outweighed by her smoking hot body. The only way we'll know for sure is if maybe she strips down again, preferably in a lace negligee and holding a whip. Because really, senior citizens just aren't objectified enough these days. She could literally be a pioneer for others to follow in her footsteps. Kind of like Bella Abzug, only for sexy old broads!

Dame Helen working a slinky fishtail dress and bringing sexy back to the Opera:

Fiction: (Noun) An invention or fabrication as opposed to fact.

See, this right here validates my argument why they should give out Nobel Prizes for Photoshop artists. How else can you transform a bunch of 40-something women into 20-something women and make Eva Longoria not look pregnant anymore without involving some kind of NASA level of science? And yet, society continues to take for granted and ignore the diligent efforts of hard-working graphic arts professionals.

A dose of reality at the Emmys. I guess they won something? I don't even know.

Surprise: (Noun) Denoting something happening unexpectedly.

Well, well, well! Look who's not ashamed of being gay anymore! It's about damn time, by now I was waiting to hear news about him getting kicked out of a petting zoo or something. Good for him and his little Monchichi baby. No secrets!

But you know, this is the biggest blow to middle-aged housewives since Snackwell's discontinued their Cherry Streusel Swirls. And -- I'm not making this up -- my own mother will be among the legions of crushed fans. Seriously, she's seen him in concert several times and would probably even be one of those retarded Claymates if she was smart enough to know how to use the internet and find others out there like her. My sister was the first person I told when I heard last night, and she gloated that our mom was on her way over to her house as she spoke so she would get to break the news to her personally. I told her to make sure to explain in detail that it means he does it in the butthole. Yeah, yeah... I know that Lee Pace is probably going to come out next as karmic retribution for me being such a shitty daughter... But whatever, it's totally worth the risk. Suck it, Mom!

Johnny Curveball performing his Broadway show "Spamalot:"

Mariah Carey's photo retouchers get their hands on Britney. (Yeeeah!)

Mischa Barton knows how to accessorize dilated pupils like nobodys business. (The Blemish)

The Fillion in a porno? Count me in times a mill-ion. Pun intended! (Pajiba)

"Clitt" is seriously my new favorite celebrity couple name ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan kinda sorta came out of the closet! Well... Duh! (Celebitchy)

Dita Von Teese corners the 1930's "Cabaret Stripped Demographic." (Best Week Ever)

Nicole Kidman gives Jacko a run for his money. (Ayyyy!)

The most famous red carpet nipple-slips. Stay classy! (cityrag)

Donnie Wahlberg is a philandering skank-magnet. (CelebWarship)

Gwyneth takes her holier-than-thou bullcrap to the internet. (BricksAndStones)

Solagne Knowles doesn't look bad if you ignore the dead crow stapled to her head. (POTP)

Gwen Stefani is rocking huuuge lactating childbirth bazongas! (HQ Celeb)

Nobody knows how to do side-boobage quite like a cylon. (Popoholic)

My Ass: (Exclamation) A way of expressing disbelief or bullshit.

In the above clip, Kim Kardashian along with her sister "Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend" Kardashian try to settle the dumbest pissing contest ever, by proving that she fits into size 27 jeans after a claim she made on her blog sparked "controversy."

I am a size 27 jeans... My measurements are 34, 26, 39. But remember I am 5'2" and 1/2 and everyone carries their weight in different places.

My body frame is small, but since I have curves, many people assume I am bigger and wear a bigger size in jeans. This is simply not the case! The misconception carries over to my weight, too. I am right under 120 lbs, but a lot of people have been shocked to hear that and have accused me of lying! Haha. (Source)

In Kim's defense, I am the same height as her and I also wear size 27 jeans. But since my ass doesn't resemble a Weeble Wobble, (they wobble but never fall down!) my daily dressing routine involves significantly less heaving and jumping up and down. Hell, with enough struggling and lube, I could probably tell people that I fit into jeans from BabyGap -- but at the end of the day I'd only be lying to myself. And Jesus hates liars. Of course, Jesus also hates girls who let themselves get urinated on by black dudes on camera, so the lying stuff is really the least of Kim's concerns.

Exhibits A through Badonkadonk:

Takeoff: (Noun) The action of becoming airborne.

There comes a time for a young woman in a go-nowhere relationship to finally realize she's been wasting the best years of her life smelling the same old turd. And as such, there are rumors stirring that Hef's girls may be looking to fly the coop; which so far, Hef and the Peroxide Crew are (sort of) denying:

"I love her very much, but you know, she wants very much to get married and have children. That isn’t very much in the cards for me," he adds. "So there has to be a certain reality there. And I’m sure the time will come when she’ll be dating others. That’s part of the transition."

Madison - who was photographed getting cozy with Criss Angel over the weekend - tells Us of Hef: “We’re together. If I’m ever not his girlfriend, he’ll be the first to tell you."

Meanwhile, Hefner's other girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson is denying rumors that she is engaged to Philadelphia Eagles star Hank Baskett. She wrote on her blog: "hiiiiii just wanna let yall know that i am not engaged! if i was id be very happy though n i wouldnt hide it..hahahahaha!!!!!" (Source)

Meanwhile, nobody is even bothering to question the allegiance of the other one who isn't Holly or Kendra... You know, Old Whatshername. Everybody knows that other girl is gonna ride this bitch out like Darrell Hammond on "Saturday Night Live."

Holly and... Uh, Egg (?) dressed slutty at some thing:

Recycle: (Verb) To use again.

Remember when I pointed out Jessica Simpson's carefully orchestrated "authentic" casual look at her disastrous Ontario, Canada show? Well! As it turns out, that outfit was actually... Carefully orchestrated. To her credit, it does appear that she's wearing different jeans, and lost the tacky belt. Papa Joe must have decided that the belt was too much. Because if there's two things Joe Simpson knows, it's when the belt is too much and how to perform a home breast exam on his daughters. Hey, there's no such thing as being too proactive when it comes to early detection of breast cancer.

More of Big Dummo at the Los Angeles County Fair this past weekend:

Catfight: (Noun) Some kind of altercation (physical or otherwise) between two women, typically over a man and with sexy results.

Well, we all knew this was coming: Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst are throwing self-respect and dignity to the wind and fighting over The Mac Guy.

First, the two starlets were both backstage for the Saturday Night Live broadcast. Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo on the show, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

"Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in," one witness tells OK!. "James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." (Source)

Ladies, ladies. Now, don't you know what they say about living well is the best revenge? Yeah, well you're way past that, because "living well" would entail going back in time and not fucking dating The Mac Guy in the first place. They may as well fight with a homeless man over a half-eaten sandwich found in the garbage at this point.

Ms. Sloppy Seconds looking, per usual, sloppy at the premiere of Hounddog:

Creepy: (Adjective) Causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt revealed their portraits by famed celebrity photographer Martin Scholler... And, uh, is it just me or are they really not flattering? Not that his work generally is flattering, but this takes it to a whole new level of unflattering. Like unflattering in a way that you want to cover up your orifices so they can't sneak in and eat your soul.

But the sad part is, while everyone else in the world with eyeballs sees a disturbing embodiment of empty, dead-behind-the-eyes soullessness; Spencer is just like: "Me and Heidi got our picture taken. We're awesome." And even that's not so much "sad sad" as it is "ha ha sad."

Nick Hornby is teaming up with Ben Folds; and as a result, Dustin is teaming up with a tube sock. (Pajiba)

The Spears Family, Wal-Mart and Kiddie Porn: An American Tale. (Yeeeah!)

Katy Perry may not have kissed a girl, but she got made to eat dirt by one, which is -- let's face it -- much sexier. (The Blemish)

Posh Spice is running four miles a day. Whatever. If I didn't have to fucking sit in front of a desk all the time I'd probably run four miles a day, too. (Celebitchy)

What?! Celebslam gets to go to the Emmys?! No fair! I wanna go to the stupid boring Emmys! (Celebslam)

Seal is totally gonna kick Tom Bergeron's ass. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oprah opens up a can of worms, for once, instead of the usual Campbell's Chunky® Soup. (Agent Bedhead)

Jive is gonna push Britney over the edge, just like on "South Park!" Reality really is the new fiction! (IDLYITW)

Juliette Lewis and her crazy eyes go for a stroll on the catwalk. (CelebSmack)

Mila Kunis looking pretty in purple on the set of Extract. (usemycomputer)

These are hands down the creepiest pictures of Mischa Barton I've ever seen. (popbytes)

Britney Spears and a horse. Eh, why not? (IBBB)

Editor's note: Sorry if posting was light today. My photo subscription service was being a little bitch (probably thanks to Emmy traffic) so I couldn't access it for most of the day, resulting in me having to acquire images elsewhere. (Read: steal.) Which isn't so much against my moral nature as it is generally a time-consuming pain in the ass. Oh yeah, and sorry if you work for another website and I stole your pictures. It won't happen again, promise!!

Scumbag: (Noun) A contemptible or objectionable person.

I never thought I'd say this, but lately I've been experiencing what I can best describe as "sympathy" for Lindsay Lohan. Before you start thinking I'm crazy, take these snippets from a letter Michael Lohan sent to paparazzi agency, X17 Online. Or as I like to call it, "the incoherent ramblings of a madman."

First of all, I don't believe that the recent blogs posted by "Lindsay" were written by her. As far as the comments themselves, I think that we can all see that anyone with something negative to say about Samantha, is attacked by the "person" writing the blog ( probably Samantha herself) !!!

First, it was me for speaking out against Samantha after I was in a deep conversation with Lindsay, only to have Samantha in the background enticing Lindsay to get off the phone with me.. Then my own ex wife expressed such sincere concern that I felt we had to intervene. Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha's effect on Lindsay.

Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn't a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not, because Samantha wasn't around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway!I I mean, what's with this ...."person"??? Look at the way she "dresses"? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity! Have you ever seen her apartment? For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this first hand). (Source)

I have to say that there is nothing wrong with using the cardboard roll. You know the Indians used to use corncobs, but I bet Michael Lohan probably hates those evil sons of bitches, too. Seriously, how big of an insane homophobe do you have to be to put Joe Francis over your daughter's girlfriend? If you'll recall, Joe Francis' vocalizing his concern for Lindsay came in the form of accusing Samantha Ronson of having a penis. If you'll also recall, Joe Francis is a huge, date-raping asshole who made his fortune selling DVDs of underage girls taking their tops off. Not to be cliché or anything, but just reading the words  "Joe Francis is a good person" literally made me throw up in my mouth. Although, that may have had something to do with the mayo on the sandwich I had for lunch having an uncertain "tang" to it. Blergh.

Editor's note: I think you forgot some exclamation points, there, Bucko.

Whatever. I am so Team Lindsay and Sam now. And plus, look how freaking adorable they were at the "TV Guide" post-Emmys party. I hope they never, ever, ever break up.

Perfect: (Adjective) Highly suitable for someone or something; exactly right.

Candace Bushnell may be courting Miley Cyrus to star in her prequel to the "Sex and the City" franchise as a teenaged Carrie Bradshaw. Oh, goody.

And who would Candace like to see step into the role made famous by Sarah Jessica Parker if her new “Sex” prequel book was to be adapted for TV or film? “I don’t know…Miley Cyrus!” Candace revealed.

As previously reported by Access, Miley has expressed interest in playing a character similar to Carrie Bradshaw. “I’d love to do a younger, cleaner version of ‘Sex and The City,’” the Disney star told TV Guide last June. (Source)

So I guess what Candace is saying here, is that she envisions her teenage Carrie as the type of girl who posts slutty pictures of herself on Myspace and then makes bitchy YouTube videos slamming Samantha and Charlotte. And to anyone worrying that this prequel might be taking a big, steaming dump on the series, I'd say Miley is at least a good 3-4 years from any kind of 2 Girls 1 Cup type of endeavors. Good to know!

Editor's note: I could give a shit if Miley Cyrus takes a crap on "Sex and the City" because I hate that stupid, shitty show to begin with. Pun intended!

Bushnell & Co(ugars) at the SATC DVD premiere thinger:

Ho-hum: (Exclamation) Used to express boredom or resignation.

Well, the 60th Annual Emmy Awards were held last night. Given that this year's show was 100% Heigl free, the only show with the word "men" in the title that won any awards was "Mad Men," and "30 Rock" swept; I suppose the evening can be considered a rousing success.

The dresses on the other hand, were even more boring than the show this year. Tina Fey looks, as usual, about as comfortable and natural in formalwear as my dogs when I dress them up in Halloween costumes. Come on, you know I love her as much as anyone -- but I'm just saying it's true.

Catastrophe: (Noun) An event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering.

As you've probably heard by now, musicians Travis Barker and DJ AM were the sole survivors of a Learjet crash, which killed four people including the pilot and Barker's assistant. The two remain in critical condition due to severe second and third degree burning, but are expected to make full recoveries.

This whole thing is pretty sad, and I would consider myself lucky to go a lifetime without experiencing the excruciatingly painful injuries these two have sustained. And so, until the day that Heather Mills loses her other leg in a plane crash or Joe Francis gets his dick burned off, I will continue my longstanding tradition of not making fun of plane crash victims.

Editor's note: Babies are still fair game.

Pam Anderson shows off her “scabrous complexion of a truck stop hooker with HIV.” (Yeeeah!)

GOOOOOOSCH! What, are they making Lord of the Rings part four?? (The Blemish)

They had a premiere for the Sex and the City DVD release. What excuse these women won't use to put on a dress. (Seriously? OMG!)

Pat "Sexy Ass" O'Brien got his ass fired from "The Insider." (Celebitchy)

Guess who flashed her boob AGAIN? Hint: Rhymes with Smeesha Fartin. (Celebslam)

The Jonas Brothers were created in a lab? (Agent Bedhead)

Daisy Lowe is Leotarded! (IDLYITW)

Pam Anderson has a another sex tape out. It'll be just like the other one except that now Pam is ten years grosser. (CelebSmack)

What does Harriet Carter have for us today? (IBBB)

Everyone's favorite lesbian dominates Ellen. What? (Pajiba)

Neve Campbell sighting! This is actually the most thrilling news of the day. (usemycomputer)

Overshare: (Verb) To offer too much information about oneself, often of a personal or embarrassing nature.

I can't even muster prefacing his quote with anything besides Jessica Simpson is retarded:

"Tony is a great quarterback, but he's a better boyfriend," Simpson, 28, told PEOPLE at a Nina's Night Out, a benefit for the Rape Crisis Center at the Palms Casino Resort's Pearl Theatre in Las Vegas on Thursday. "I'm seriously proud of myself for letting him into my life." (Source)

I'm proud of myself for a lot of things. For instance, I'm proud that I own my own home, run my own gossip blog, not to mention being able to juggle two full time jobs on top of drinking copious amounts of delicious boxed wine each and every night. Jessica Simpson is proud of herself because she has a boyfriend. And she says this at a benefit for a Rape Center. Feminist icon or feminist hero?

Gloria Fine Hams at the rape thing from the quote:

Cryptic: (Adjective) Having a meaning that is mysterious or obscure.

Oh look! Rumer Willis has a new tattoo! What a lucky coincidence it is that her dress is so revealingly cut to showcase it, which I'm sure was not done on purpose whatsoever. But what does it say? I'm just dying to know. Be pre... Hmm... Be prejudiced? She doesn't strike me as a racist. Be premenstrual? Well, she does strike me as a bitch. Be preoperative? Now that would explain a lot. But, I guess we'll never know, save for seeing Rumer Willis naked. And I have better things to do with my eyes... Like claw them out or insert hot pokers into them.

Editor's note: It also looks like Eagle Scout Malloy has lost weight. What better way to take the focus off her big, gigantic head than make her body teeny tiny? Good plan!

Quitter: (Noun) A person who gives up easily or does not have the courage or determination to finish a task. See here.

Katherine "Skank Cancer" Heigl might finally be getting ready to drop the "cancer" part of her nickname. (Good luck with the "skank" part!) According to her "Grey's Anatomy costar T.R. Knight, the Skank of Cancer might finally be giving up her beloved cancer sticks.

From what I understand, quitting smoking has the tendency to make a person irritable, so I'm just wondering what effect this might have on Heigl's already sunny personality. Although if I had to guess, I'd say the effect would be not unlike sneaking up behind a bull with hemorrhoids and smacking it on the testicles with a two-by-four. Sounds like it's gonna be a fuuuuun time to be an assistant, writer, producer, grip or actor on "Grey's Anatomy!"

Rainbow Killer trying to eat a defenseless puppy:

Dramatic: (Adjective) Intending or intended to create an effect; theatrical.

Katie Holmes had her big Broadway debut for All My Sons last night, but her moment was nearly overshadowed thanks to a bunch of meanie anti-Scientology protesters.

One protester told The New York Daily News: 'We aren't protesting Katie. But Scientology is a cult and once you become a member you can't leave, and we've heard that Katie isn't able to leave because of Tom Cruise.'

A member of the 30 strong group shouted: 'It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.' (Source)

Wait a minute... I think they're getting "Scientology" confused with "Jack the Ripper." Scientology doesn't kill people, insane people who worship Tom Cruise and would step over their own grandmother to catch a whiff of his farts kill people. Especially certain people who show up at Broadway premieres trying to ruin everybody's fun, if you catch my drift. Personally, I'm a fan of not being found dead in my shower after an apparent slip and fall accident, so I wish Katie the best of luck!

Sibling Rivalry: (Noun) A competition between siblings especially for the attention, affection, and approval of their parents.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly not getting along again. Apparently it has something to do with Mary Kate being such a drunken whore and Ashley not being one.

“Ashley really wants to be a respected businesswoman and be taken seriously,” says the pal. “MK does too, but she hasn’t been willing to give up her lifestyle and act like an adult for their job.”

“She asked her sister to step back from her current responsibilities until she has her personal life together.” Instead, MK will focus on their more affordable line, Elizabeth and James, for which their roles were always less hands-on. “I just see myself more as a businessperson,” Ashley says. (Source)

On the other hand, Ashley kind of sounds like a huge tight-ass. Sometimes you forget that these girls are only twenty-two. Now is the time when you should be making mistakes. Go out! Have fun! Be suspiciously involved in the death of a beloved young actor! You know, kid stuff!

More of Mary Kate at Fashion Week since Ashley never goes anywhere and gets her picture taken because she stays in playing Sudoku all night or whatever:

Dustin acts like I Can Haz Cheezburger isn't totally his favorite site. (Pajiba)

Aubrey O'Day is like a poor man's Jenna Jameson, only with less class! (Yeeeah!)

The biggest problem with Mischa Barton's pirate costume wasn't actually her lack of "flare," but an excess of visible nipple. (The Blemish)

SHUT UP! I totally forgot "Supernatural" was back on tonight. I would have shot myself in the face if I missed it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove something somewhere. Ooooh how I loves me a good mystery? (Celebitchy)

Eight ways to continue the Beverly Hills Chihuahua franchise. Like Hollywood really needs our help. (Best Week Ever)

Renee Zellweger missed a spot! (Ayyyy!)

For those of you with Muppet fetishes... Which Muppet would you totally bang? (cityrag)

Gary Coleman has found himself in some hot water which can't be cured by a laugh track and a talk from Mr. Drummond. (CelebWarship)

Lori Loughlin is denying an eating disorder problem on "90210." Sounds like somebody's cultivating her own anorexia! (BricksAndStones)

Paris Hilton has business savvy. Do antibiotics take care of that? (POTP)

Vanessa Hudgens shows us why she gives even gay a man a boner. (HQ Celeb)

Hey, look! It's a former "O.C." female cast member not collecting nip slips and DUIs like they're Garbage Pail Kids. (Popoholic)

Dickbag: (Noun) A person who is literally bag of dicks.

You know what I hate? Having to stick up for somebody that I would normally make fun of. And I also hate Joe Francis. Really, really hate him. In the above clip, Joe Francis smugly goes off about how Lindsay Lohan isn't really gay, about how Samantha Ronson has a penis and is so jealous of men being near Lindsay that she was "about to punch him the other day."

Well, I've got news for Joe. Samantha Ronson wanting to punch him had nothing to do with her being worried that Joe Francis was going to lay his alleged "sexy" down on her girlfriend. She probably wanted to punch him because it's the natural instinct one is overcome with upon hearing Joe Francis speak -- other than girls pumped pull of date rape drugs, naturally. The only way I could ever conceivably envision experiencing feelings of jealousy in the same thoughts as "Joe Francis" is if I heard that somebody sawed off his wiener with a rusty tin can and I wasn't there to help; or at least cheer and spit in his face.

Lindsay Lohan, who is probably not going to be friends with Eunuch Francis anymore, looking healthy and happy at the premiere of "Ugly Betty."

Arr, Matey: (Expression) Something a pirate says, can mean anything from "Hello" to "Yes my friend, I concur."

Since Mischa Barton doesn't have like a job or anything, here she is at London's Fashion Week. Fashion is something which can be interpreted many different ways by different people, but apparently to Mischa it means going to the Halloween Adventure Store and picking out the finest "Pirate Wench" costume they have in stock.

Also, did anyone else just get the strangest craving for a Jack Daniels Flat Iron Steak? Huh. Maybe I'm just pregnant or something.

Pariah: (Noun) Someone who is just a total outcast.

Awww, how cute is this? Ewan McGregor recently encountered some Star Wars fans and thought that they just didn't recognize him!

"We went to the location used in the original Star Wars, where we meet Luke Skywalker and he buys R2-D2 and C-3PO and does them up in the oil bath. It has been preserved as a tourist attraction. Now, who goes to an out-of-the-way place like that but a hardcore Star Wars fan? Anyway, we drive up and I'm standing next to my face on a poster and I'm wearing a jersey that says `McGregor' on the back... and nobody looked twice. It was quite hilarious, actually." (Source)

Now, I don't fancy myself so much a Star Wars nerd as a "Buffy" nerd... But I kind of get the impression that rabid Star Wars fans -- as in, the kind who would actually go to visit a location filmed in the movie -- aren't so much huge fans of the Star Wars movies that Ewan McGregor starred in. And when I say they're not "huge fans" I mean he's lucky no one threw any rocks at his head. Even my dog, who doesn't even understand what a movie is, once tried to maul a cardboard cutout of Jar Jar Binks. True story.

But, whatever. I don't give a shit about Star Wars so I still still Ewwie's pretty hot:

Success: (Noun) The attainment of popularity or profit.

Proving that you can never fully underestimate the stupidity of country music fans; Jessica Simpson's new album "Do You Know" has topped the Country Album Charts, selling 65,000 copies in its first week.

Having the top country album is like winning an ugliest baby contest or getting voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school. The victory is fleeting, once you realize that ugly babies grow up to be ugly people, 65,000 really isn't a whole lot of albums for a major recording artist, and that you turned out to be a gossip blogger. Oh, I'm kidding... I was never voted most likely to succeed! Most likely to be an angry, drunk asshole -- maybe.

Super Jessica Number 1 showing side boobage at the Cavalli store launch a week ago:

Anorexic: (Adjective) Someone with an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

When I watched the first (and only) episode of the new "90210" I thought all the girls on the show were in like their early teens. Since they were all so skinny, I just assumed their bodied hadn't fully developed yet. Turns out they just have crippling eating disorders!

"They want the girls to gain weight," a show source tells Us. "They are trying too hard to be skinny, and it's started to wear on them. It's just not healthy."

Stroup, 21, is 5-foot-8 but weighs 100 to 105 pounds while Grimes, 18, is 5-foot-3 and stands at a mere 90 pounds, Beverly Hills-based weight-management expert Dr. Joyce Peters estimates to Us. "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat," another show source tells Us. (Source)

You know, I hope these idiots think this is all worth it when their hair starts falling out in clumps, and then stupid "90210" gets canceled anyway. Then they'll have no TV show and no hair. I mean, I could see maybe starving yourself for "Gossip Girl." At least that show is kind of good.

More of the Skeletal Sisters: Jessica Stroup and Shenaenae Grimes. Editor's note: I normally like ribcage tattoos but Shenaenae's says "Myself." What a dumb retard.

Kirsten Dunst hates fashion as much as she hates Stridex pads and hairbrushes. (Yeeeah!)

Oooooh! Somebody got a parking ticket! (usemycomputer)

Lynne Spears wants everyone to know, it wasn't her fault. Not any of it. (The Blemish)

Nicole Richie might be taking her Baby Fathead and leaving! (IDLYITW)

Wow, Leighton Meester is actually not a terrible singer. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kendra, Holly and the other one are all supposedly getting spin-off shows. (Celebitchy)

Did you know that every time Courtney Love flips off the paparazzi while high on meth, an angel gets its wings? (Celebslam)

We're only a gust away from seeing David Duchovny's package. (Agent Bedhead)

Poor Sienna Miller is finding out nobody is fan of homewrecking sluts. (CelebSmack)

Kate Hudson is looking a bit unsteady on her feet. (popbytes)

Megan Fox is the poor man's Angelina Jolie. (Lainey Gossip)

Anyone wonder what Skank Cancer's been up to lately? I know, know... We don't call her that anymore. Just once for good old times sake. (Pajiba)

Bragger: (Noun) A person who says boastful things in a boastful manner.

On an appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" airing today, Gwyneth Paltrow rubs in Oprah's big, fat face about how she doesn't diet. Not ever! Even though she's so thin and beautiful!

"I just cannot diet," Paltrow, 35, says on The Oprah Winfrey show airing Wednesday. "I think maybe it's the idea that you can't have something ... I just can't do it."

"It's worth it to me to do that extra exercise so I can eat what I want and not think about it." (Source)

Unlike Gwyneth, we know Oprah is obviously all too accustomed with the concept of not having something she wants. Because otherwise, she would have had her fist knock that skinny white bitch's teeth right down her skinny throat.

Gwyneth with her skinny white bitch friend Kate Hudson at veiny white bitch Madonna's concert earlier this month:

Doormat: (Noun) A submissive person who allows others to dominate them.

In an effort to drum up interest in her new quote-unquote reality show, "Paris Hilton's: My New BFF," Paris Hilton has gone to the media claiming that she and the winner totally hang out all the time. Oh, my ass.

"The person who won is now my best friend. We hang out. Yeah, we're really friends," Hilton told Reuters on Tuesday.

"We've been having barbecues and hanging out at the house. The winner and I have been pretty low-key so far, because it is top secret right now," she said. (Source)

I actually watched the casting special for this show over the weekend and the cast seemed to consist of some psychotic gay Asian kid and a bunch of skanky girls who all individually claim that "drama follows them everywhere." Well, for one lucky skank, in addition to drama, it looks like now they'll also have crabs and wads of nasty "fraggle hair" following them everywhere, too. The suspense is making me dizzy! Well, that or the rubber cement I've been huffing, anyway. It's been a long week.

More of Paris looking like a vision of yellow (fever) at the Lavo opening:

Grown Ass: (Adjective) Referring to the maturity or age of a person.

Look who it is, everybody: Dakota Fanning, all growns up! It looks like she's turning out to be quite the lovely and sophisticated looking young woman. And what a breath of fresh air this is, too, after my day-to-day dealings with the products of the Disney Skank Factory. It damn near makes me cling to hope for the future of the entertainment industry.

More of Dakota at the Hounddog premiere: (a.k.a. "the rape movie")

Relapse: (Noun) A deterioration in someone's state of health after a temporary improvement.

Oh.... Crap. So much for her absolutely no sugar, not-even-in-fruit diet. This right here is about the equivalent of seeing a known alcoholic stumble out of a dank bar at three in the afternoon. Plus, the greasy hair piled up on her head? Flip-flops? Tank-top with visible bra-straps? Given these early warning signs, I predict we may we headed for a Category Four Britney Meltdown. Stay tuned for updates. Any sightings of Britney in a gas station or Adnan Ghalib should be treated with extreme caution; passerbys are urged to seek immediate cover.

Birthgay: (Noun) A really lame and annoying birthday celebration.

Heidi Montag celebrated her birthday this week enjoying her favorite activity: posing for staged "paparazzi" photos with boyfriend, professional douchetool Spencer Pratt. Later, she spoke to Ryan Seacrest about the big event:

"I got some amazing gifts and a cake that said, 'Happy Birthday, Princess Heidi!'" she said Tuesday on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show.

Pratt added that Montag has also been nagging him about starting a family. "Heidi talks about lots of kids all the time," he said. "She wakes up with these great dreams about five kids." Montag then interrupted, "I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa."

I think Mother Teresa's corpse just spun so fast it actually ignited and caught on fire. At any rate, Heidi went on to talk about her feud with Lauren whatsherface:

"I'm 22 now, so I'm really grown up," she went on. "Life is really short, and I don't need negative energy. There are children who are sick in the worst and, like, important matters, and it's such a waste of time to be fighting and angry." (Source)

Wait a minute... Heidi Montag is only twenty-two? Is that in horse years? In that case, I don't know that the Princess Heidi cake and whore boots were maybe the most appropriate birthday gifts -- unless the cameras just left before she opened her time machine and sweet nectar from the Fountain of Youth.

Same shit, different pictures:

What do you like to watch when you're praying to the porcelain God? (Pajiba)

Awww, three generations of Spears women, sitting on the curb. Just like the garbage cans do! (POTP)

It's WIENER PATROL!!!!!! Blake Fielder-Civil, on duty! (Yeeeah!)

TRL got shitcanned; let's celebrate ten years of stagnant mediocrity! (The Blemish)

Pam Anderson makes the whoriest-looking bride ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Maybe Scientology should teach Will Smith how to lie better. (Celebitchy)

Kate Beckinsale wears a dress made out of fungal-clams. (Ayyyy!)

Awww, remember the good old days of crazy, naked-ass Britney? (cityrag)

Lindsay Lohan pimps out "Ugly Betty." Is it me or is she looking extra thin these days? Uhhh... It's probably just me. (CelebWarship)

Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski together again? Yikes, it's been a long time since high school. (BricksAndStones)

Oh, shut up Katy Perry. (HQ Celeb)

VinegarFarts McGee with cream all over her face. Oooh, you likey? (Popoholic)

Wait til you see all the hot bitches who showed up at the Beverly Hills Chihuahua premiere! (Best Week Ever)

Yawn: (Verb) To involuntarily open one's mouth wide and inhale deeply due to tiredness or boredom.

Megan Fox, who -- if you'll recall -- is uncomfortable with people calling her sexy, regaled GQ with tales of her forays into homosexuality with lesbian strippers. You know, just for good old times sake.

"Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided - oh man, sorry, mommy! - that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop," Fox said. "I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita." Fox said Nikita would do "these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads." She added that she would bring the Russian stripper gifts and try to inspire her to quit her line of work.

Despite the relationship, Fox said she does not identify herself as gay. "Look, I'm not a lesbian," she went on. "I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. (Source)

So, there you have it! Megan Fox isn't a lesbian; she just likes to bang girls and Brian Austin Green. Call it what you want, but that right there pretty much rules out 100% of the male population. So take that to your Megan Fox masturbation session! Oh, I meant the part where Megan Fox wants nothing to do with you or your dick, not the part where she has sex with gi-- oh, just forget it.

More of Vinegar Farts McGee sticking stuff in her mouth for GQ:

PDA: (Acronym) Stands for "public display of affection."

Good grief. I think I have yet to see a picture of Jason Biggs and wife Jenny Mollen where they haven't been slobbering all over each other like a couple of horny teenagers in the hallway between classes. OK, we get it already. You guys are so cute and so in love, and so can bang something other than pie and vampires. Because: trivia! Did anyone else know that Jenny Mollen totally played the werewolf chick that Angel got his swerve on with during the last season of "Angel?" Oh yeah, if you weren't watching "Angel" you missed out on some hot-ass vampire on werewolf sex. Editor's note: I believe I have just demonstrated why no one is making out with me like a horny teenager.

More of Jason and Jenny (Matching names?! Gah!!!!) rubbing their stupid happiness in everybody's faces at the My Best Friend's Girl premiere:

Sunday Best: (Noun) A person's best clothes, worn to church or on special occasions.

Miley Cyrus brought her new guy, underwear model and and aspiring country singer Justin Gaston to church with her in Pasadena this weekend. And as you see, the two got decked out in their finest wifebeater/belt/jeans ensembles for the occasion.

What a load of unfair crap. When I was Miley's age, my parents used to force me to put on stockings and shit before they'd cart me off to church, just so I could skip out and loiter at the Dunkin' Donuts down the street for an hour. These outfits here look like they would have been much more appropriate for getting my loiter and smoke on. Either way though, I guess a "wifebeater" is still technically appropriate church wear, since I'm pretty sure the Bible says stuff about smackin' your woman around a bit when she doesn't obey.

More Cap'n Scoliosis and the tool she's using to get back at Nick Jonas:

Humiliate: (Verb) To make someone feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect.

Rumer Willis revealed an embarrassing nugget of information in an interview with the British Cosmopolitan, by admitting that she once had a crush on her stepdad. Ew...

"It was strange when mom, who is 15 years older than Ashton, started seeing him (in 2003). I was 15 and he was a heart-throb to me - I had pictures of him on my wall! I remember mom saying her new 'friend' was going to hang out with us. I said, 'What's his name?' and she said, 'its Ashton'. And I said, 'Whoa - Ashton Kutcher?' I freaked out a bit and blushed." (Source)

When I was in my early teens I had pictures of Keanu Reeves on my wall. Oh, shut up, OK? It was in his Bill & Ted and Point Break days. He was really hot. Anyway, if my mom had started dating Keanu Reeves -- instead of being the well-adjusted gossip blogger you see before you -- I would have been dead for about 15 years now due to a self-inflicted shotgun blast to the face. Then again, if I had been born with Rumer Willis' head, I would also have long since been dead due to a self-inflicted shotgun blast to the face. Additionally, when the internet went out at my house this morning I probably would have shot myself in the face, except that I don't actually own a shotgun. Probably for the best... I guess I can be a little dramatic sometimes.

Hey, look who got a brand-new hairstyle! Sorry, still fug!

Sexist: (Adjective) Prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex.

Looks like Big Daddy McCain needs to keep his hoes in check. Just after Governor Peggy Hill herself responded to Tina Fey's impersonation with good humor; Big J's adviser, Carly Fiorina, has declared the sketch "sexist." Whoooooo.

"Well, I think that she looked a bit like her," Fiorina told MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell.

She continued "of course, the portrait was very dismissive of the substance of Sarah Palin, and so in that sense, they were defining Hillary Clinton as very substantive, and Sarah Palin as totally superficial." (Source)

I'm going to just assume that the Big Bang experiment sucked us into a black hole and we're now living in Crazy World where everything is the opposite of that it was. So, in Crazy World, I take it this also means that back during the 2000 elections when Will Ferrell portrayed George W. Bush as a bumbling, inept, and yes -- retarded -- idiot; that was also sexist? And I guess pretty much anytime a comedian on SNL has ever portrayed a politician in an unfavorable light, that was sexist, too. Or maybe... It's just that Carly Fiorina wouldn't know sexism if it raped her in the vagina, got her pregnant, forced her to carry the child to term and popped out a deformed little misogyny baby?

Tina "Sexist Bitch" Fey at the Television Critics Association Awards earlier this summer:

Oh. No. Davy Jones is being creepy with his sad old man titties again. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww!!! Congrats to George Takei and his partner, who finally tied the knot. Look how happy and cute they are! It warms even my icy little heart. (CelebSmack)

Matthew McConaughey is finally putting his money where that ginormous bulge in his pants is. (Yeeeah!)

Eva Mendes says she's banged in all 50 states. Uhh, congratulations? (Celebitchy)

J Lo finally completed her big triathlon so maybe she'll STFU about it already. (Celebslam)

Oh and guess what? Like, a million other celebrities competed in the same triathlon as J Lo, but just didn't talk about it incessantly. (The Blemish)

Here's some gratuitous David Duchovny in drag, because "Twin Peaks" was awesome and so is Duchovny. (Agent Bedhead)

Damn, it just ain't safe for paparazzi these days. Now Lindsay is on the attack! (IDLYITW)

Chucky tunrs 20 today. Just wait until he's legal to drink... Then all hell is really gonna break loose. (popbytes)

Get ready for Britney's comeback, part three hundred and fifty-seven. (Lainey Gossip)

Kathy Griffin is winning Emmys, as well as the hearts of bloggers. (IBBB)

Did Fey nail it or did she nail it? Watch it for the first time or watch it again. (Pajiba)

Waste: (Verb) To fail to make full or good use of.

Oh no! Bad news, guys: Mario Lopez says that he's not going to go shirtless anymore, because he wants to be like taken seriously or some shit for his new job on "Extra."

"Obviously, being healthy and staying fit are important to me," says the 34-year-old, who in the past seemed like the only serious rival to Matthew McConaughey in the bare-chest sweepstakes.

"My TV projects are my main priority," he says. "And no, you will never see me host "Extra" without a shirt." (Source)

Nice call there, A.C. Slater. Why rely on your God-given assets when you can try to get by on the talent and charisma you have absofuckinglutely none of? Then again, why be out there having all kinds of fun, sexy, gay intercourse when you can still pretend you like girls? Such is the enigma that is Mario Lopez.

Dorkus Malorkus at the FaceBreaker Launch Party:

Shudder: (Verb) To tremble convulsively, typically as a result of fear or repugnance.

Heidi Montag is by no means a natural beauty. But between all the stupid blonde hair coming out of her head and stupid nonsense coming out of her mouth, you often forget just how fundamentally unattractive she really is. So I think the biggest problem with this ensemble here isn't so much that it makes her look like a cross between Linda Richman, Harley Quinn and one of Robert Palmer's dancers -- but how much it showcases her face. Her awful, awful face. Plus, with all the plastic surgery she's had, it never occurred to her to pin back those ears of hers?

More of Dumbo McRoughMug at the 4th Annual Pink Party: (Editor's note: nice to see Spencer dressed for the occasion!)

Available: (Adjective) Not currently involved in a sexual or romantic relationship.

Samantha Ronson's 33-year-old brother, Mark Ronson, (a.k.a. music producer with an actual bona fide career) has reportedly split up with his girlfriend, 19-year-old Agent Provocateur model Daisy Lowe.

‘She has said it’s over and that the age difference was a big deal. She comes over as being very mature for her years and incredibly sophisticated but at heart she’s still a little girl who’s not ready to settle down.’ (Source)

One time, back when Dustin still wrote here, he told he that he was forced to write homoerotic posts about Ryan Reynolds and David Beckham because I, as a red-blooded woman, essentially was not doing my job by ogling them myself. (Nice excuse!) Well, the reason for that is: I don't do this because I care about these people or admire these people. You could even say I'm above it. What I do is completely objective -- like an anthropologist of celebrities, if you will -- who also makes fun of them.

So the reason why I'm mentioning this... Is because Mark Ronson? Totally effin dreamy. Uhhh, yeah: I could give a shit about perfectly chiseled abs. Give me tall, dark and mod any day. And you know, Mark, if you ever get tired of dating tall, leggy teenage lingerie models, (which must be insufferably tedious, I'm sure) you could always give pint-sized thirtyish gossip bloggers a try. Plus, incentive!! I make a killer grilled cheese sandwich.

Mark and Daisy at the GQ Man of the Year Awards earlier this month:

Photogenic: (Adjective) A person looking attractive in photographs or on film.

In more "celebrities gone wild" news, Nicole Richie was reportedly in a camera-smashing incident on Friday night; ostensibly after seeing how Kanye West's camera-smashing incident brought him such great publicity.

As she walked out, "a young, Swedish tourist was trying to take her photo," said one witness. Richie shouted, "I'm not an animal" then "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground." Reps for Richie didn't reply to Page Six. (Source)

Bravo! Slow clap for you, Nicole Richie. It really is a shame, you know, how much bullcrap celebrities have to put up with just for the sake of their craft. So what is Nicole Richie's "craft" again? Oh right: showing up to places and getting her picture taken! Well, no one ever said she was good at it. After all, one doesn't get to play second fiddle to Paris Hilton by being even remotely successful at anything. It's like genital warts playing second fiddle to herpes.

More of Nicole Richie at Fashion Week with assorted celebrities: (Editor's note: her headband probably cost more than my house.)

Animosity: (Noun) A strong hostility.

In a recent interview, Pink spoke about Sarah Palin, and how much she loves her and hopes she becomes President of the United States some day. Just kidding! She totally hates her:

"If I were writing a letter to Sarah Palin," Pink told PopEater during her Sessions taping on Thursday, "it would be a lot of whys and hows. Who are you? Do you know? Why do you hate animals? Please point out Iraq on a map ..."

"This woman hates women," the singer said. "She is not a feminist. She is not the woman that's going to come behind Hillary Clinton and do anything that Hillary Clinton would've been capable of ... I can't imagine overturning Roe vs. Wade. She's not of this time. The woman terrifies me." (Source)

These highfalutin celebrities and their ideas about... things, huh? Although, you have to admit it's kind of unsettling to hear of motorcycle-riding, chainsaw-wielding, ripped, tough-ass Pink admitting to being terrified of anything. That's like finding out Rambo is afraid of spiders... Big, creepy, spiders with veto powers and full access to "nucular" weapons.

More of Pink wearing some kind of crazy shit at the VMAs:

Amy Winehouse is as pretty as a picture. A picture of kittens that somebody turned inside out and set on fire. (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is already ham-fistedly clawing for that Oscar. (Pajiba)

Gee willikers! Awesome disguise, Cap'n Dipshit! (Seriously? OMG!)

OH HELL NO. Ali Lohan to move in with Lindsay? (The Blemish)

Kanye says it's totally cool, he and the paps are like this. (Celebitchy)

Tila Tequila has a book coming out which isn't just naked photos of herself. (Celebslam)

The studio execs behind Righteous Kill are pretending Fiddy doesn't exist. (Agent Bedhead)

Guess which body part Holly Madison flashed this week? Hint: rhymes with tipple! (IDLYITW)

Liz Taylor still goes to gay bars and drink martinis. You go girl!* (CelebSmack)

Katy Perry and Perez Hilton. And me, sadly without a flamethrower. (usemycomputer)

What is Sarah Palin hiding? I'd have to guess a tail. Ohhh, or did they mean like the metaphorical kind? (popbytes)

Sophie Monk rides her cute pink bike in a bikini. (Rad Report)

All of Madonna's awesome Kabbalahores come out to support her! (Lainey Gossip)

Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox are BFFs through whine and wine. (IBBB)

* Editor's note: this fills my yearly quota of saying "you go girl" not ironically.

Superstition: (Noun) A widely held but unjustified belief in supernatural causation leading to certain consequences of an action or event, or a practice based on such a belief.

Jessica Simpson thinks that whole thing about her being a jinx to the Cowboys was a load of horseshit. It turns out, it was actually that damn pink jersey she was wearing. Ohhh.

On Thursday night, she told David Letterman that she'll never again wear her pink No.9 jersey to games. Referring to the "jinx drama", Jessica said: "I really think it’s because I was wearing a pink No. 9 jersey and not a blue one."

"If you had been in blue that wouldn't be a problem?" asked Letterman. "Well so far I've been wearing blue, and they're doing great," Jessica answered. "I'll never wear a pink one again!" (Source)

You can't fault her too much, since we all have our little rituals and compulsions. Even I have one -- and stop me if you've heard it -- but I take this little Jessica Simpson doll, and every time I stick a pin into it, she fails miserably at another aspect of her life. So far it seems to be working, since it's been just one huge, disastrously colossal failure after another. Editor's note: the secret ingredient was a lock of her hair I bought on ebay!

Jinxy McFailface arriving at Letterman:

Typecast: (Verb) To assign an actor or actress repeatedly to the same type of role, as a result of the appropriateness of their appearance in such roles.

As you all are probably well aware of, this month marks the seven year anniversary of an American tragedy. That's right, I'm talking about the theatrical release of Mariah Carey's uber-shittay movie, Glitter. But Mariah finally seems ready to put the past behind her and move on, as she's preparing for the release of her upcoming film Tennessee.

Unlike in Glitter, where Mariah starred as a "young singer who is eager to become a big star," in Tennesse, Mariah is going to be playing a "waitress with big-time singing dreams." Huh. When you put it down on paper like that, it kind of sounds like the exact same thing, doesn't it? I suppose traits like diversification aren't exactly ol' Mariah's strong suite... Unless it applies to going out with black guys, of course. At least she's got that down! Next she'll just have to work on wearing outfits that won't split open at the seams after a sharp inhale. Baby steps!

Mimi and her Boo at Fashion Rocks last weekend:

Fruit Fly: (Noun) An attractive young woman who regularly hangs out with gay men.

Hey, I'm not making any assumptions about anyone's sexuality here. All I'm saying is that Eva Longoria spends A) an awful lot of quality time with Mario Lopez B) without Tony Parker and C) not wearing any makeup. In the legal community I believe they refer to that as circumstantial evidence.

Patronizing: (Verb) To treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority.

"Ugly Betty" star America Ferrera had some choice words for shows like "Gossip Girl" and their ilk, and acted like it had nothing to do with her totally hating on that skinny white bitch Blake Lively and her stupid show about skinny white bitches; as evidenced in the above clip from "The Soup."

"Close, genuine female relationships are not what generally gets depicted in movies and TV shows," she says in the October issue of Seventeen. "Like, if you're watching The Hills or 90210, all the backstabbing shapes the way we act - you go to school, and you think your job is to find a sworn enemy and be jealous of each other," she goes on.

Adds Ferrera, 24: "I mean, I love Blake [Lively, her Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants co-star]; she’s a wonderful friend of mine, but shows like "Gossip Girl" kind of condition us to be mean." (Source)

Personally, I've never seen a minute of "Ugly Betty," but based on the title I'd have to guess that her show conditions us to be ugly. And no one likes a fuggo. Like my mom used to say: "Ugly people are like the boils on the ass of society." Say what you will about her parenting methods, but one person's "psychological abuse" is another's "preparation for real life."

America and the original Mean Girl herself on the set of "Ugly Betty:"

Pandemonium: (Noun) Wild and noisy disorder or confusion; uproar.

Video footage of the melee yesterday morning at LAX has been released by evil celebrity gossip overlords TMZ, and clearly the incident was one of convoluted uncertainty which raises several important ethical questions. On one hand, are paparazzi becoming too forcefully intrusive and unscrupulous in the ways that they capture their targets? On the other hand, Kanye West has a long-standing history of being short-tempered and unreasonably obstinate, despite never having been cited in a physical altercation such as this before. On the other hand, how early is too early to start drinking on a Friday? I'm not Mormon, after all. Because when it comes down to it, I just don't paid the big bucks to tackle those other questions. 

Kanye doing his best Urkel impersonation at Fashion Week: (Neat-o backback!)

The most useless celebrity not actually Paris Hilton, contrary to popular belief. (Pajiba)

Jessica Simpson showed everyone her ass on GMA. Spoiler alert! She wasn't wearing underpants! (The Blemish)

Who isn't rocking short hair these days? (Rad Report)

Mr. Madonna turned the big four-oh and partied like it was 1899. (Yeeeah!)

Kanye West not surprisingly the first rapper ever to be arrested for what basically boils down to an overblown temper tantrum. (Seriously? OMG!)

Shannen's had enough of the new "90210." Now it's Tori's time to shine! (Celebitchy)

What the effing eff is Janet Jackon wearing??? (Ayyyy!)

Wow, when you see it like this, really a lot of whores got naked for PETA. (cityrag)

OMG! Larissa a.k.a "Bootz" from the Flavor of Love franchise is preggernant! (CelebWarship)

So Lauren Conrad is a novelist now? Did she even go to college? (POTP)

Britney Spears may or may not have lost her V-card at 14. (HQ Celeb)

Megan Fox is in Maxim again? What is this, her fiftieth time now? (Popoholic)

The movie poster for Labor Pains looks like Lindsay should have aborted it. (Best Week Ever)

Awkward: (Adjective) Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.

Pam Anderson reveals that she was recently forced to explain her infamous sex tape to her 10 and 12-year-old children after they begged to see the movie Borat.

She says, "I explained to them... 'Mom and daddy run about naked all the time and we taped some things... and someone stole the tape.' They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had (seen it) and I said: 'There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.' So I did sit down with them and watch Borat. I kind of went 'La la la' over the parts I didn't want them to hear... I tried to muddle through that." (Source)

It looks like Pam Anderson has finally discovered the downside to the fun and glamorous
world of candid celebrity sex tapes: having to explain to your kids why mommy is such a whore. Well, that and explaining to dear old grandma why her sweet little granddaughter is such a whore. And of course when the local pharmacy runs out of Valtrex again. Huge downside, there.

But honestly, how do her kids not know? This is how she dressed when she took her son Brandon to a basketball game last Spring. I'm pretty sure she's not even wearing pants:

Puke: (Verb) To eject matter from the stomach.

Without directly addressing this hot mess here, let me just say this. Dear God, if you exist and are a kind and benevolent god, please make Spencer Pratt impotent. Or, you know, I'd also settle for some kind of freak accident at that shooting range he enjoys so much, which would render him an eunuch.

Editor's note: Are babies heads supposed to bend that way?

Honest Woman: (Noun) A woman living in sin who becomes virtuous after being wed.

Are you ready for this? Seriously now? Tara Reid is engaged!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Actress Tara Reid is to marry French fashion boss Julien Jarmoune after a whirlwind romance, according to reports.

The pair met while Reid was researching her new fashion line Mantra, and have quickly fell for each other, claims the National Enquirer. A friend tells the tabloid, "Tara's really in love with this guy, and he's had an amazingly calming effect on her." (Source)

The only conceivable way I could see a man having a calming effect on Tara Reid is if his wiener shot out barbiturates instead of semen. So if that's not solid proof of Darwinism then I don't know what is.

Tara modeling a shirt from her Mantra line. It looks like a normal shirt... But then, surprise! It's slutty!

Kinky: (Adjective) Involving or given to unusual sexual behavior.

Before you start thinking a Jessica Alba-starring Captivity II is imminent, let me ease your worries. As it turns out, this is just a marketing campaign for Declare Yourself, a non-profit organization geared towards getting people to register to vote. Because nothing gets democratic juices flowing like bondage innuendo! I don't know if voter registrations have increased at all, but I can almost guaranfuckingtee you sales of sadomasochistic porn are up 500%.

Fatty: (Noun) A nickname for a big, fat huge person.

For the past month, the internet has been ablaze with rumors that "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria is knocked up. Well, the rest of the internet, anyway, because I think Celebrities Getting Impregnated By Their Significant Other stories are pretty much the most boring thing ever. Anyway, she's not pregnant -- just fat. Hey, she said it:

"I'm just fat," she said Tuesday during an interview with Le Grand Journal with husband Tony Parker. She then burst out laughing while Parker chuckled nervously. (Source)

Well, you have to give her credit for handling it so graciously, anyway. Because let me just tell you, if you happen to go up to a stranger in the Target, rub her belly and ask: "When is the baby due?" And she turns out not to be pregnant? The reaction is decidedly less... So. And getting smacked in the face with a Michael Graves toilet scrubber hurts more than you'd think.

Eva and Tony at the premiere of the 9 film earlier this week. Seriously though, lard-ass here needs to lay off the Krispy Kremes and Taco Bell:

Oh, Jennifer... (Celebslam)

Speaking of Jen, she may have actually had dinner with Brad Pitt. (popbytes)

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be registering for "Hers & Hers" dental dams pretty soon. (Yeeeah!)

Oh, remember how Amy Winehouse wanted those 48 bottles of Jack Daniels? How do you think that went? (The Blemish)

Shirley Manson from Garbage is now a killer-robot urine receptacle.  (Agent Bedhead)

The former *NSYNC members want to get back together. Well, at least the ones who aren't Justin Timberlake want to, anyway. (Seriously? OMG!)

The new Batman villains revealed! Or possibly not. (IDLYITW)

Guess which asshole's wife is totally not giving him that divorce? (divorce/">CelebSmack)

Justin Kirk (a.k.a. Hot Uncle Andy) from "Weeds" is bare ass nekkid! (omg blog)

Clair Danes goes off the shoulder. (usemycomputer)

If this is true, Michael Cera is dead to me. Dead, you hear me??? (Lainey Gossip)

Guy Ritchie's "secret love code" with Madonna surprisingly doesn't include a safe word. (Celebitchy)

Just because Dustin's not here anymore doesn't mean he's not still thinking about Ryan Reynolds and his abs. (Pajiba)

Tease: (Noun) A person who tempts someone sexually with no intention of satisfying the desire aroused.

Katy Perry, who is the third worst thing to happen to bona fide bisexuality since Tila Tequila and "Girls Gone Wild," admitted to having a thing for VMA presenter Russell Brand.

She said: "We loved it…...If I could host an award show I would probably be as cool as he was. It was amazing…..perfect!"

She also revealed that though there was no romance between herself and the lanky comedian, they had shared a brief snog. "We kissed once!" she admitted. (Source)

Jesus H. Christ, who hasn't Katy Perry kissed? Although, there are far worse things to be remembered for than kissing a whole bunch of people. Like gangbanging half of the Texas Cowboys for example, or having a shitty music career based on a gimmicky one-hit-wonder. Plus, bonus: I hear they have awesome OTC treatments for cold sores these days!

Confusion: (Noun) The mistaking of one person or thing for another.

In an interview for the October issue of Harper's Bazaar, Kirsten Dunst was questioned over the rumors swirling of her relationship with Justin Long:

"[They] are the funniest thing on planet Earth. I don't know him from Adam. I met him once and he and his friend were kind enough to walk me home. I've never seen him since." (Source)

In this context, it may sound like Kirsten Dunst is nothing but a filthy, bald-faced liar, (see photo above) but honestly I think the problem lies with the way the question was phrased. Maybe if the interviewer had inquired about Kirsten's relationship with The Mac Guy, she would have responded with something like: "Ohhhh, right. The Mac Guy. Yeah, I'm totally banging him." Rookie mistake, Harper's Bazaar.

Greasy McSnagglemouth out and about recently:

Truthiness: (Noun) The quality of stating concepts one wishes or believes to be true, rather than the facts. Origin: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report," 2005

Paris Hilton premiered her new documentary, Paris, Not France at the Toronto Film Festival last night. Because, yes: Paris effing Hilton has a documentary. The film is said to pull back the skanky curtain to explore the fascinating enigma behind the real Paris Hilton.

"I'm basically being judged, and they're creating this false person, and I can't do anything about it," Hilton says in the film. (Source)

That is tragic. How did we, as a society, let such an atrocity happen to an innocent girl? Oh, by the way, here is an excerpt from an interview Paris did in July 2006:

Paris claims she invented that silly character for the series, knowing it would be funny. She says: “'Simple Life' is a reality show and people might assume it’s real. But it’s fake.

“All reality shows are fake basically. When you have a camera on you, you are not going to act yourself. So before I started the show I thought I’d make a character like the movies Legally Blonde and Clueless mixed together, with a rich girl all-in-one. Even my voice is different and the way I dress is different from me in real life. It’s a character I like to play. I think it’s carefree and happy. The public think they know me but they really don’t.” (Source)

This is obviously all just a huge miscommunication because Americans are too stupid to be able to differentiate between reality and real; and Paris Hilton the person and Paris Hilton the character she plays on TV. I for one, feel completely ashamed of myself. So from now on, any jokes made on my part about Paris Hilton being a stupid whore, hypocrite or wonky-eyed, disease-ridden hookerfoot will be directed entirely at Paris Hilton the character.

Paris Hilton the person, with Paris Hilton the character's beat-ass hair extensions at the premiere of Paris, Not France:

Fabrication: (Noun) Something invented or concocted, typically with deceitful intent.

It's been awhile since we've heard anything from one-legged, gold-digging piece of shit Heather Mills, so it was only inevitable that she was concocting some kind of evil scheme. Since Heather is probably barred from publicly discussing her marriage, she's planning to release a book under the guises of fiction with the names changed.

A source tells British magazine Hello, "Heather has written the treatment for a novel about a model and campaigner who marries the most famous rock star in the world. She will be marketing the book as a work of fiction." (Source)

Well, I'll say this for Heather: she's got extensive experience with fiction anyway, what with her divorce trial and all. But seriously, no one is going to want to read Heather Mills' book. If people were even remotely interested in the delusional, rambling stories of those not fully in charge of their mental capacities, there wouldn't be so many lonely old people in nursing homes. And old people don't even give off the stink of righteous indignation.

Technical Difficulties: (Noun) Malfunction with machinery and/or computer equipment.

You may have heard by now about Jessica Simpson's sound mishap live on "Good Morning America" yesterday... But honestly, I could care less about that because I'm actually more fascinated with these pictures from the event. Will you look at her up there? No, I mean, will you really look at her up there? For one thing, this is already my favorite picture of Jessica Simpson ever, (which you can expect to be seeing a lot of on this site starting from now) but for another thing, it pretty much confirms what has always been my sneaking suspicion: Jessica Simpson is Golden Retriever. Think about it, the blank, not-much-going-on-behind-the-eyes expressions, the willingness to devote complete loyalty to any man who gives her a friendly smile and a pat on the head, the fact that her mouth is always hanging open and flowing sandy locks?!

Oh yeah, and if you're interested, the video footage from "GMA" is after the jump. To Jessica's credit I couldn't hear anything either, although that may have been because the sound on my computer was set on mute. I guess we'll never know.

Ever the gentleman, Howard Stern is helping a promising young woman fund her college education by auctioning off her virginity. (Yeeeah!)

Mythbusters: David Beckham's ginormous package edition. (Celebitchy)

Can we start an online petition to prevent Leighton Meester from recording an album? I am so sick of these stupid twats and their crappy music. (The Blemish)

Mischa Barton made a super secret trip to rehab. (Seriously? OMG!)

"Dexter's" back and he's got a slick new advertising campaign. (Pajiba)

Lil' Mama gets fashion inspiration from the Mad Hatter and Strawberry Shortcake (BWE)

Viggo Mortensen, on the other hand, derives haircare inspiration from There's Something About Mary. (Ayyyy!)

Lindsay Lohan's got some pussy in her boobs. (cityrag)

Keira Knightley may actually be a 10-year-old boy in a wig. (CelebWarship)

We were this close to not having Pete Wentz. This close!!! (BricksAndStones)

Kate Hudson has been acting like a punk-ass diva. (POTP)

Holly Madison auditioning for the part of Coulmbia in the new Rocky Horror. (HQ Celeb)

Hayden Panettiere shows off her gams in a killer minidress. (Popoholic)

Jailbait McGee might be dating the Jonas Brothers' 24-year-old choreographer. (HollyWire)

IBBB totally scored an interview with Chelsea Handler, who is hands down the best thing to happen to the E! network since "The Soup." (IBBB)

Neighbourly: (Adjective) Characteristic of a good neighbor; helpful, friendly, or kind.

Matthew McConaughey is unsurprisingly not well liked by his neighbors. Surprisingly, this actually has nothing to do with all-night bongo sessions or the wafting smell of marijuana. No, they don't like it that he drinks beer. Oooooh...

"Matt is rarely seen without a bottle or can of beer in his hand — he likes to unwind with friends. They surf and down beer after beer." But his neighbors want him to give it up, the sources says.

"The kids who play on the beach think Matt's cool because he's in movies," the insider says. But the parents think he's a bad influence. "They don't want their sons and daughters watching Matt get tipsy. Matt thinks they are overreacting. He says he's a dad, too, and they should mind their own business." (Source)

Seriously, Matthew McConaughey's neighbors, mind your own fucking bidness. Also, count your blessings and just be glad he's wearing pants. Because instead of having to explain to your obviously painfully-sheltered kids why Mr. McConaughey likes to drink beer, you could instead be explaining why Daddy's peener looked so small and cowardly that time they saw him getting out of the shower compared to Mr. McConaughey's next door.

See McConaughey surf:

Dramarama: (Noun) A series of events built up on bitchiness, feuding, cattiness, gossiping, backstabbing, arguing and possibly even fighting.

OH HELL YES.

Well this didn't take long, but apparently there's already fighting going on over at the "90210" set. Spoiler alert! It involves Shannen Doherty!

Shannen’s new nemesis is said to be former “Degrassi: The Next Generation” star Shenae Grimes, who plays Annie Wilson on the revamped Beverly Hills drama.

“(Shenae) actually referred to Shannen as an ‘effin bitch’ and said from the first moment Shannen walked onto the set she’s been acting like she’s special,” an insider revealed. “Shenae was saying that Shannen talks down to the costume designers and caterers like they’re her servants and prances around the set like she’s Hollywood royalty.” (Source)

First of all, I watched the new "90210" and Shenae Grimes sucks. Easily the worst part of the show, which is a feat considering how Godfuckingawful it is. She could probably stand to learn a little something from so-called Hollywood royalty. Also? Shenae Grimes weighs like 75 pounds and Shannen Doherty looks like she just released from a women's correctional facility. My advice to Shenae would be to address Shannen as "Sir" and not make direct eye contact.

Look who's so happy now that people care about her again:

Fired: (Verb) To dismiss an employee from a job.

Professional scumbag Joe Francis, who was supposed to appear on the upcoming season of "Celebrity Apprentice" has pulled off an amazing feat by being the first "Apprentice" contestant to be fired before they even started filming the show.

Though Donald Trump wanted the "Girls Gone Wild" man on the show, NBC brass allegedly encountered resistance from sponsors and vetoed Francis.

Francis told Page Six: "Donald Trump and I decided to do a different show. I would have added a lot to 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I would have been excited to do it, but I'm more excited by this other idea." (Source)

Donald Trump is a cunning businessman, right? So if he's going to devote an entire show to Joe Francis, I hope he at least has the business savvy to create a show that people would actually want to watch. I'm thinking along the lines of "Who Wants to Tase Joe Francis."

But who are we kidding? Donald Trump isn't giving Joe Francis his own TV show. And you wanna know why? Because Joe Francis is a huge, manipulative liar who tells bullshit and lies with his lying mouth full of Chicklets® teeth. Also, I hope his hair starts a grease fire next time he's in the tanning bed and he dies a horrible death. The end!

Chop: (Verb) Cut something with repeated sharp blows using an ax or knife.

Whoa. Posh Spice totally got a pixie cut! And fuck the haters, because I for one love it that short hair is back in style. She's going to have to work on making her face the same color as the rest of her body, though, because... Yeah. That's really noticeable, now.

Your move, Katie Holmes? You know she's going to do it next. She's so predictable like that.

Totally off the subject here, but why is J Lo making a sex face in all these pictures:

Purity: (Noun) Freedom from immorality, esp. of a sexual nature.

I guess Jordin Sparks didn't need to waste the last 30 second of her fifteen minutes defending the Jonas Brothers after all, (buh bye!) because they've got somebody even better sticking up for them now: Paris Hilton!

"I don't pick on them," Hilton told Usmagazine.com after Brand's remarks. "That's something cool for a kid to keep, so don't pick on them for that."

"I think that they're all really good kids and that they're definitely our next generation of kids and they're all really good so I think that's awesome," Hilton added. (Source)

And you know, maybe if Paris had worn a promise ring when she was younger, she wouldn't have turned out such a whore. Yep, by now she probably would have settled down with some nice boy from church, had a bunch of rugrats, and never would have made that sex tape and gotten really, really famous. See kids? That's what being a filthy whore gets you: really stinkin' rich and famous. Better get yourself one of those rings, STAT.

I have no idea what Paris is doing or holding here:

Learn the difference between a vagina and the insides of a person's thighs. (The Blemish)

I think I finally figured out what Samantha Ronson sees in on Lindsay. (usemycomp)

Let's play the guessing game of What Did Akon Do To His Fans This Time? (Yeeeah!)

Check out the footage of Preachy McPreachface Jordin Sparks defending the honor of promise rings, and see if you don't want to punch her in the face. (IDLYITW)

Ashlee Simpson carrying two bouncing baby douchebags? (CelebritySmack)

One of the New Kids is bringing his new kid on tour with him. (Seriously? OMG!)

Today in totally redundant confirmations, Heather Mills former publicist confirms that she's a lying, gold-digging piece of shit. (Celebitchy)

Hollywood stands up to cancer; kicks cancer's sorry ass. (popbytes)

Teri Hatcher wants her daughter to have great sex and not sit on public toilet seats, and doesn't mention anything about condoms. Aren't wieners dirty, too? (Celebslam)

I find it difficult to believe that Paris Hilton has tested for anything else besides herpes and gonorrhea in her life. (Agent Bedhead)

J Lo is rubbing her triathlon body in everybodys faces. (LaineyGossip)

For everyone who was frustrated with all the loose ends in the first Scorpion King, here is a real-time review of Scorpion King 2: The Rise of the Warriors. (Pajiba)

Hey look! It's everyone's favorite, Baby Fathead! (Jezebel)

Trouble: (Noun) A situation in which one is liable to incur punishment or blame.

As I mentioned before, the threat of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's colliding at the Torontro Film Fest was likely to imminent. So of course now that they're both in town at the same time, naturally rumors are flying around that the two also had a dinner meeting together.

Now, the chances that this dinner actually took place are between "bullcrap" and "no fucking way," but still... If I were Brad Pitt I wouldn't take that kind of shit lightly, because Angelina doesn't strike me as the ask questions before shooting type. Remember in the old Looney Tunes cartoons how when someone would be attacked by some kind of wild cat or other wild animal, their bodies would fall apart in five equal slices? Well I'm just saying, it probably wouldn't hurt if maybe Brad Pitt sent some kind of decoy into the house before him when he gets home.

Plus, you have to admit, Jennifer Aniston is looking pretty fly for a white girl these days:

Scandalous: (Adjective) Causing public outrage by a perceived offense against morality.

God, Madonna sucks. Really, I don't know of any other way to preface this. During a Rome stop on her "Sticky & Sweet" tour, Madonna "outraged" Catholics by dedicating a performance of "Like a Virgin" to the Pope. I know, can you even believe it? Shocking!

The controversial singer, who comes from a devout Italian Catholic family but now follows the Kabbalah faith, dedicated her 1984 hit to Pope Benedict XVI at the Rome, Italy stop on her Sticky & Sweet world tour on Saturday. She told the crowd: "I dedicate this song to the Pope because I'm a child of God. All of you are also children of God." (Source)

You know what? Not to take the side of the Catholic Church or anything, but those people could benefit from the same damn advice parents give their kids to deal with bullies at school: just ignore her and she'll go away. The fact that they even acknowledge this shit credits Madonna with tons more relevancy than she deserves. I personally dream of the day that old hag resorts to masturbating with a giant, crucifix-shaped dildo onstage and the Pope just rolls his eyes and is all, "Over it!" Then and only then, will Madonna truly be defeated.

Assault: (Verb) To make a physical attack on.

Oh, lord. It looks like Gary Coleman is in some trouble again, after he and his creepy wife got into an altercation with a fan outside of a bowling alley in Utah. According to Coleman's bodyguard, the couple accidentally hit the man, Colt Rushton, (actual name) with their truck as they were trying to escape his harassment. Rushton on the other hand, has a different story:

He says he was just trying to get his cell phone back from Shannon, who had snatched it away. That's when Coleman put his truck in gear and and knocked him to the ground. He also said Gary threw several punches at him before getting behind the wheel. Rushton was treated and released from a local hospital.

Police are investigating the incident and say alcohol may be a factor. (Source)

You think alcohol may have been a factor? Because if there's one thing everybody knows, it's that Gary Coleman has zero tolerance for bullies. Hell, just look what happened to The Gooch. I hear that guy had to change his name and move to the other side of the country. If this guy didn't almost get himself run over by Gary Coleman he probably would have ended up picking a drunken fight with a mountain lion instead.

Arnold Jackson at the 2008 TV Land Awards (I have no idea what's going on here):

Extraordinary: (Adjective) Very unusual or remarkable.

Hole. Lee. Crap. Seeing Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci together on film like this is like capturing Bigfoot playing poker with the Loch Ness Monster playing poker. Not that I'm saying that one of them represents the Loch Ness Monster and the other represents Bigfoot or anything, because that would just be insulting and mean. Although Christina is, as always, looking too skinny and has unwisely opted against bangs again; and Winona appears to have had some work done... So if anything I'd say Bat Girl and an alien.

Lame: (Adjective) Something intended to be entertaining, yet uninspiring and dull.

Last night I watched the MTV Video Music Awards. I think the last time I actually made a point of watching them (other than remembering to tune in for Britney's performance last year) was back in like 1992, and Dana Carvey was hosting. I was 15 and just starting ninth grade back then (eff you, I was held back!) so that was really the last year I wasn't too cool to watch the VMAs anymore, and then after that I started putting holes in my face and listening to punk rock music. And then I took the holes out of my face, and became an adult and got a respectable-type job, and still didn't care about the VMAs. But then I started slinging gossip, and here we are. Amazing how everything comes full circle, huh? Anyway, not to sound out of touch, but I liked "I Kissed a Girl" better when Jill Sobule sang it, and it wasn't all embarrassingly stupid and trying too hard. Suck it, Katy Perry.

Speaking of Katy Perry, she broke out her best granny-panties for the event. If she and Miley Cyrus kissed in the middle of the woods and nobody gave a crap, would it still make a sound?

NatPo (Natalie Portman) looked stunning at the Venice Film Fest. Oh yeah, NatPo? That's all mine, bitches! (usemycomputer)

Rainbow Killer strikes fear into the heart of small creatures. (IDLYITW)

Lindsay Lohan isn't doing Playboy because it would be beneath her. And if anything is going to be beneath anything else, it's Lindsay Lohan. (Yeeeah!)

Lance Bass gets his Kathy Griffin on... Aww yeah!! (Seriously? OMG!)

How adorable is it that Shannen Doherty totally thinks she's somebody now? (CelebritySmack)

Rumer Willis finally acknowledges the elephant in the room. Or the veritable trunk on her face, if you will. (The Blemish)

Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson: BFFS 4EVA! (cityrag)

Seth Rogen watched a lot of porn to prepare for his current film role. If so, 99% of men have been auditioning for the same role their entire lives. (Celebitchy)

Keira Knightley showing all the grace of a newborn baby deer. (Ayyyy!)

I think Scott Baio is shopping for his daughter's onsies at the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. (bailey-baio/">Bricks and Stones)

A gay version of the "Wonder Years?" That's my favorite show ever. (Agent Bedhead)

Follow up that whiskey bender with a little The Last Boyscout. (Pajiba)

Thirsty: (Adjective) Feeling a need to drink something.

Amy Winehouse has got organizers of the three-day Bestival worried after her demands included forty-eight (48!!) bottles of Jack Daniels.

A Bestival source said last night: “It’s common for artists to make requests for food and beverages before they arrive. But organisers have heard Miss Winehouse has ordered in an extremely large amount of Jack Daniel’s, in fact, a ridiculous amount that she and her team could not possibly consume during their short stay.

“Everyone is really excited about getting Amy to perform here, and naturally there are now fears she is planning something wild. (Source)

So... "Wild" as in what? Getting falling down drunk, slurring her words, spitting on the crowd and getting into physical altercations with fans? I'm not really sure what they're getting at here. They booked a violent, brain-dead crack addict who probably drinks Jack Daniels like it's kool aid. When you should worry is when Amy Winehouse starts showing up to these type of events stone cold sober. Because, what next? Ventrioquist dummies that can talk, little boys who can wish people into the cornfield and everyone is deformed when they tale off their masks? No fucking thanks.

 Performing at the V Festival last month:

Shitcom: (Noun) A sitcom that is really, really, really bad.

If you haven't reached full Jonas Saturation yet, you can rejoice because the Jew-fro'ed bromos are getting their very own TV show! Whee! The series, which will air on the Disney Channel, will be a scripted comedy with the brothers playing themselves.

"It's going to be about us as a band but dealing with normal things like trying to take out the trash and not get hounded by fans," Joe Jonas tells ELLEgirl magazine about the as-yet untitled series. "It's going to be a funny show, and it's going to be a great cast." (Source)

So how does this sound different from "The Monkees" again? I mean besides dripping latent incestuous homosexuality. Oh right: one of the Monkees wore a wool hat.

Superficial: (Adjective) Existing or occurring at or on the surface.

Perez Hilton gave an interview to the Daily Mail about his amaaazing (yawn) transformation from a big fat weirdo to an only slightly chubby weirdo.

'I'm not weighing myself, so I don't know how much I've lost. But I know my clothes fit a lot better. 'I've gone from a 46-inch waist to a 36-inch waist. 'My goal is not be skinny. I wanna be in good shape. I'd love David Beckham's body.'

'The only number that's important to me is five - and that's making sure that I work out five days a week. And I do. I'm very committed and it's all about consistency. 'It's been a months-long process, which began back in January. The first step was just eating healthy. (Source)

How does that old saying go? Something about diet and the word "die?" I'm not sure, but all I know is that I still want Perez Hilton to die. You can lose all the weight you want fatty, but you'll always be ugly on the inside! And as far as I know, there's still no diet for being a stupid asshole who everybody hates. Nyah nyah!

Nice outfit, jerkass:

Acquiesce: (Verb) To accept something reluctantly but without protest.

After a long and arduous year of not having Kanye West appear at the MTV Video Music Awards, West has finally decided to end his boycott on the VMAs and will now be closing this year's show.

The outspoken rapper was upset by his treatment at last year's show, when his performance was relegated to a small stage in the Las Vegas venue. West also failed to win any prizes, and accused the music cable network of exploiting Britney Spears, who inadvertently stole the show by badly lip-synching and dancing to her new tune. (Source)

Well, this year should be totally different anyway, because Britney's all better now, and there's no way she'll totally hog all of the attention again. I mean, it's not like we're all waiting with bated breath to see what kind of crazy shit she does this year. Right?

Yeah... Just in case, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to give Kanye his own special VMA, like they did for the stupid kids in elementary school. Like the "Most Improved Attitude" VMA or the "Outstanding Attendance" VMA  or even "Best Sunglasses."

Russell Brand and Christina Aguilera at a press conference for this year's show:

Big Spender: (Noun) One who spends lavishly and ostentatiously

If you thought looking as evil and skanky as Linda Hogan came cheaply, newly released legal documents have revealed an itemized report of just how much money it costs to be Linda Hogan. The tip of the iceberg? $7,258 on clothing and $1,690 on jewelry, per month.

To keep herself in shape to don those dandy threads, Linda Bollea, whose 2007 income was listed as $188,158, has also been shelling out $801 per month for grooming purposes. And she hasn't been neglecting the house, either, what with $7,502 being spent on monthly maid service and $2,464 going toward lawn and pool maintenance. Pet care costs $1,374. The biggest numbers come in the legal department, with $17,840 going toward her attorneys and accountants each month. (Source)

It should also be noted, Hulk Hogan shells out a bargain basement price of $40 grand a month for the privilege of having been married to his wife. I'm not very good at math, but I'd estimate that over the course of their marriage every time they had sex it cost him roughly five thousand dollars. Which is ironic, right? Since most guys would rather slam their wieners in a car door before putting it near that she-beast.

Old photos of she-beast lumbering around on a beach:

Oh boy! Holly Madison flashed her beav! Like you couldn't have totally seen that without going to the 7-11 and buying a magazine or anything. (Celebslam)

Oh, joyous day! Kim Kardashian might be putting an album out! (The Blemish)

Hilary Swank is about to go on a Krispy Kreme Milkshake diet. (BestWeekEver)

Christina Aguilera proudly displays her assets: the left one and the right-ish one. (Yeeeah!)

OMG! Levi and Bristol 4EVA!!!!! The tattoo says so! (Celebitchy)

Tila Tequila is still a stupid, slutty attention whore. (PopOnThePop)

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are totally the most annoying couple you know. (IDLYITW)

Even death wants nothing to do with smelly old Pete Doherty. (Agent Bedhead)

Thanks to the miracles of DNA paternity testing, David Spade is a proud papa. (CelebWarship)

The only way Lynne Spears could have been a worse mom is if she threw her kids in a dumpster when they were born. (Seriously? OMG!)

Anne Hathaway shows off her gams at the Venice Film Fest. (Popoholic)

BRUCE CAMPBELL, BITCHES!!!! (Pajiba)

Bitch Crazy: (Exclamation) A response to the actions of some belligerent, crazy-ass, devil woman.

Here's a first look at Jennifer Aniston the the set of "30 Rock" where she's making a guest appearance as some kind of psychotic, stalker person. And good for her, I say! Lord knows, after all the woman has been through, this kind of unbridled display of rage must be cathartic. Between the constant humiliation of Brangelina being rubbed in her face and dating that big, plastic sack of vinegar otherwise known as John Mayer, if I were in her shoes I'd be taking every opportunity to senselessly beat the crap out of perfect strangers.

But hell, I'll go medieval on a perfect stranger if I'm PMSing and they look at me funny. It's a little known fact: being given the stinkeye is actually a perfectly legitimate legal defense for assault and disorderly conduct.

License to Drive: (Title) 1988 teen comedy/adventure, starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, which really has nothing to do with this post.

You know what is always a bad idea? Buying your kid some brand new, expensive car when he or she turns 16 so they can eff it all up. If your kid is Miley Cyrus, however, she just buys it for herself:

In late August, the star ordered a fully loaded white Mercedes-Benz CLK 550 Cabriolet with a sticker price of $75,375. “Miley wanted special options like parking assist and a cream-colored leather interior, so she ordered the car early,” her pal says. “She’s telling everyone that she hopes to get a car when she turns 16, so when it comes, she can say it was a surprise from her parents.” (Source)

Pretty sneaky, Miley... But you know what $75 grand doesn't buy? Passing your driver's license, you little shit. And just so you know, DMV exam proctors actually love when you play chicken with oncoming locomotives. Yeah, they don't tell you this, but they totally give extra credit for badass motherfucking speed and agility.

Missionary Dating: (Phrase) Used to describe when a person of one religious persuasion dates a person with differing beliefs for the purpose of converting him or her.

I didn't realize Kelly Osbourne's new boyfriend was Amish. Huh. I wonder why she's trying to hail a cab when they could just take his horse and buggy?

Okay, okay, I know he's not really Amish. I'm just saying, I'm from Pennsylvania and that's what they look like. Obviously, a real Amish person wouldn't come within fifty feet of Kelly Osbourne without crossing themselves repeatedly to ward off the evil eye. Or wear ball-hugger jeans. The Amish also possess a little something known as "modesty."

Gassy: (Adjective) Of a person suffering from an accumulation of gas in the alimentary canal; flatulence.

Jennifer "Stank Pits" Lopez opens up in the September Elle about motherhood and her pregnancy. On finally knowing when she was knocked up:

As for the moment she realized she was pregnant, she reveals, "I was sitting down doing hair and makeup and I felt a flutter. The weirdest little ... flourish. My makeup artist said 'What’s the matter?' I didn’t say anything, but in my head, I was like, I have life inside me!” (Source)

Every now and then, I get that feeling too. Only with me, thanks to an ironclad birth-control regimen and a healthy diet high in fiber, I'm just like, "Oh hey, there's that hummus I had for lunch." With all the Taco Bell J Lo probably eats, I'm just surprised she doesn't think she's got a "life" inside her every day.

Chimichanga Farts McGree wisely avoiding the armpit area at a DNC event:

Fiasco: (Noun) A thing that is a complete failure, esp. in a ludicrous or humiliating way.

Because apparently we don't learn from our history anymore, and therefore are doomed to forever repeat it, it has been announced that Britney Spears will be doing... something to headline the VMAs again this year.

"MTV has long played an important role in my career," Spears, 26, says in a statement to Us. "How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs?"

"Britney has done everything from perform with a snake, lock lips with Madonna and prove that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas," MTV Networks president Van Toffler tells Us. "I can't wait to see what she does to kick off this year's show." (Source)

After what happened last year, Britney could open the VMAs with a kazoo performance of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" with sparklers sticking out of her ass and it could only be lauded as a vast critical improvement. I guess the bright side of hitting rock bottom is that there's only one way to go, and that's up, baby!

On the bright side, at least she's in better shape now. Thanks Balley Total Fitness®!

Remember how I kept saying how the new "90210" was going to totally suck balls? Well, it does! (Pajiba)

And something tells me we won't be seeing Brandon Walsh anytime soon. (Seriously? OMG!)

Speaking of "sucking balls," the trailer for Lindsay Lohan's new movie is out! (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Alba looks way too good for having just had a baby in the Czech Esquire. (Celebrity Smack)

Christina Ricci has the F-Bomb tattooed on her thigh. Classy. (Celebslam)

NOOO! Britney may be back with Adnan speculation part eleventy-billion. (Celebitchy)

You know, we just don't see enough dick slips in gossip, with all the meat curtain and nipplage left and right. (omg blog)

But if celebrity nipplage is your thing, here's some famous movie boobs. (cityrag)

Pink scopes for some tail on the beach. (IDWYL)

Finally, a clothing line fit for Heidi Montag. (Socialite's Life)

Leighton Meester was born in prison, so that adorable facade of hers is clearly masking someone who would disembowel you with a weapon made out of a toothbrush. (The Blemish)

Remember Rachael Leigh Cook? She was like, the Leighton Meester of yesteryear. (usemycomputer)

Alternative: (Adjective) Of one or more things available as another possibility.

In an interview with E!'s Mark Malkin, the amazing trifecta of talent known as Jessica Simpson (singer, actress, beer spokesperson) revealed, among other things, that she plans to take a break from her film career:

Hopefully there’s more acting to come. I’m not closing that chapter of my life by any means. But I am all about the music right now…When it comes to acting, it’s gotta feel right for me at this point in my life. It’s gotta just be a really incredible director and production with an awesome studio and great cast…But for me right now it’s just Jessica Simpson is music. (Source)

Awww. How cute. I like how she says that as if she has a choice in the matter and not because her last two "films" went straight to the discount DVD rack and then nobody bought them. On a unrelated note, I plan to take a break from my as yet to be started supermodeling career. You know, I'm holding out for something classy, like a campaign for Valentino or Gucci. Because I'll tell you right now, you wouldn't catch me dead slumming for some skankwear like Juicy Couture or whatnot.

More of Jessica Simpson at the airport wearing five cows worth of leather:

Veep: (Noun) Informal; a vice president.

Not content to let Sarah Palin to go hogging up all of our nation's ridicule for too long, Heidi and Spencer weighed in on the Vice Presidential candidate:

"He picked a girl and it wasn't Heidi," Spencer joked. "Not picking Heidi for the vice president, it's just cold." "I can't believe it," joked Heidi. "I'm really hurt. Blondes have more fun. I guess he doesn't know that." (Source)

See people? You can complain about Palin until you're blue in the face, but just think: it could always be worse. Maybe we're at risk for having the major of Podunk, Alaska -- who excels at little more than making a killer Apple Brown Betty and breeding like rabbits -- be the potential leader of the most powerful country in the world... But at least she ain't Heidi Montag. No really, think about that. We could end up with Spencer Pratt's face on our money and "Higher" as our national anthem. So you can go right ahead and let the evangelical lunatic send the country down the shitter, thank you very much.

Appropriate: (Adjective) Fitting or proper in the circumstances.

Because I am a Very Important Person, I often get emails from publications and PR Firms soliciting my help to feature their content. So I was totally excited to get an email from PETA last night, because you guys know much I love writing about them -- right? Anyway, they're promoting this list they compiled of the most vegetarian-friendly rehab centers.

It's about time, anyway. Seriously, this is probably one of the smartest things PETA has ever done. I'm sure that list is going to come in really handy for all the famous whores and retard scumbags they have working for them, who often frequent drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers. Better yet, maybe PETA should just start their own rehab. Since it's not like they've been doing such a bang-up job saving the animals or anything.

More of Pam Anderson saving the chickens with her cameltoe of animal justice:

Kiss of Death: (Noun) A fatal or destructive relationship or action.

Last night Lily Allen co-hosted the GQ Men of the Year Awards with Elton John. Now, given how awesomely she handles herself at these types of affairs, it was pretty much inevitable that she get completely wasted on stage. But then? Things got worse. She got into a verbal altercation with Sir Elton:

When she came to announce '...and now the most important part of the night', Elton chipped in 'What? Are you going to have another drink?' She fired back: 'F*** off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!' The shocked audience fell silent.

A clearly rattled Elton replied 'I could still snort you under the table'. To which she replied: 'F*** off. I don't know what you are talking about.' (Source)

Nice going there, champ... Pissing off Elton John. I mean, the guy once picked a fight with Madonna. Evil, undead, Madonna for chrissakes! When Elton John says he's going to snort someone under the table, he doesn't mean just to do more coke than them. He actually means that he's going to crush your ass with the tidy little heel of his boot and snort you under the table. So I sure hope Lily enjoys looking over her shoulder and running in fear for the rest of her life. Elton's a'comin for you, bitch!

TNT does their spin on "legal drama" with a greeeesy-haired Zach Morris! (Pajiba)

First pics of Halle Berry's Whitey McWhiterson baby! (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse done gone broke the brains part of her head. (IDLYITW)

Kevin Spacey's sizing up that ass like a juicy apple. (Celebslam)

Michael Jackson and Pam Anderson? My ass. He's probably mesmerized by the fact that her breasts resemble children's party balloons. (Seriously? OMG!)

David Duchovny has a.... sigh.... porn addiction. (The Blemish)

Katie Holmes has blow job knees! Methinks Tom likey the new haircut? (cityrag)

This is the epitome of photos for the caption "Smells Like Teen Spirit." (Agent Bedhead)

Now that Jennifer Aniston hates John Mayer too, I finally feel some sort of kinship with her -- and therefore am excited for her upcoming "30 Rock" stint. (CelebWarship)

Speaking of, Mayer is back to trolling for waitress skank. Nice! (Celebitchy)

Joan Rivers is even somehow more qualified than Sarah Palin to be VP. (popbytes)

Designers are finally starting to show clothing tailored to a graceful exit from the chop shop. Good news for Madonna! (Ayyyy!)

Kayne West picked up blogging duties for the BWE staff over Labor Day!!!111 (BestWeekEver)

Incognito: (Adverb) Of a person having one's true identity concealed.

If you're having trouble recognizing this strange woman seen here -- you may be shocked and astounded to learn that it is none other than Christina Aguilera, holding her ginger baby Max. Likewise, you'd probably have trouble recognizing this man named Joe Maggard, who portrayed Ronald McDonald from the early 1990's until just last year.

It just goes to show how clown makeup can completely disguise a person's identity, which is probably why clown is such a popular occupation for serial killers.

Normal, painted Christina at the The Trump International Hotel & Tower last week:

Crystal Ball: (Noun) A solid globe of glass or rock crystal, used by fortune-tellers and clairvoyants for seeing into the future.

In a never-before-seen Webster's is my Bitch exclusive, I bring to you: The Jonas Brothers... Of the future!!! If you're wondering where the girl-haired middle one is, in 2019 he joined an all-male burlesque revue in Vancouver under the stage name Mademoiselle Fifi Le Pew.

Editor's note: this is actually a photo of German musician Peter Maffay and a wax figure of himself. But the resemblance is uncanny, no?

The Jonas Brothers of today, who are still a bunch of Grade-A Turds and not yet Old Farts:

Inconsiderate: (Adjective) Thoughtlessly causing hurt or inconvenience to others.

Madonna's 250-person staff for her "Sticky & Sweet" tour are apparently PO'ed with their travel and lodging accommodations, after being forced to fly coach while Madonna takes a private jet; as well as being put up in cheap hotels.

Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper also reports that there is growing resentment after the singer recently stayed at a $20,000 a night castle on the Cote d'Azur, while some crew were put up in a $92.50 a night hotel.

A source tells the newspaper, "Everyone is absolutely furious with her... they feel they are being treated like second-class citizens, despite all their hard work over the last few months." (Source)

Well I don't know what these crew members of hers expect. I'm sure Madonna would be perfectly happy to bunk with them at the Econo Lodge, but her coffin would never fit through the door. What do you think, she stays at freaking castles just because she's some overblown windbag of a diva asshole? Sheesh.

After feasting on some nutritious blood, with Guy at the RocknRolla premiere last night:

Speechless: (Adjective) Unable to speak as the temporary result of shock.

Uhhhh.

So... Either Katie Holmes has taken on a second job in housekeeping at the midtown Best Western, or she's completely lost her damn fool mind. That's all I've got.

Witty Retort: (Phrase) To say something in answer to a remark or accusation in a quick and inventive way.

Ashlee Simpson fired back at a rumor she saw on a blog last week that she's gained too much weight over the course of her pregnancy. Via her myspace blog:

Today I read on a blog that I went to the doctor and he said I was overweight and I cried and went to Planet Blue (because I was blue) and bought 6 pair of size 0 jeans. Now it is ridiculous to read such nonsense about oneself so I thought I would address this one...
1. My doctor says I am right on target with my weight gain
2. Have not been to Planet Blue in at least two years
3. Love my maternity jeans ..they have stretchy tops it is awesome!
4. My closet full of size 0's are being worn by Pete right now and he looks hot in them :)

Yeah, and anyway! If anyone is wearing size 0 girl jeans in that household it's that wussbag-- Oh. Crap. Ashlee totally just went and stole my joke. Well, I hope she feels really, really awesome about herself now. About as awesome as Pete Wentz's sperm count in those size 0's. Zing!! That's right, try having another baby now, assholes!

More of Ashlee promoting some crap somewhere last week: