I normally don't say this about teen movies, mostly because teen movies normally suck and don't star Emma Stone, but holy crap, "Easy A" looks pretty damn amazing. (Pajiba)

Sadly, as bad as Mariah Carey looks in these pictures, these can still be considered a good day for her. (Yeeeah!)

Stills from the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape have surfaced and for God's sake, stop looking into the camera, ya friggin' idiot. (The Blemish)

Sadly, this is still one of Russell Brand's less trashy moments. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awwwww, Abigail Breslin is still completely and totally adorable. (Celebitchy)

Because I never need an excuse not to pimp her out, here's Kate Nash's new video for "Doo Wah Do". (popbytes)

Larry King and his wife called off their divorce, probably because Larry King would probably die before they ever settled the matter. (BricksandStones)

One of the guys from "Jersey Shore" is going to represent Baskin-Robbins. You know, the hot one. With the hair? (Agent Bedhead)

America's Favourite Nazi Whore showed off her glamorous side on some two-bit tabloid, which is sort of like saying that shit is a delicious side-dish. (POTP)

And because I can, here's your gratuitous Winnie Cooper post of the day. (Evil Beet)

Do not adjust your monitors: This is not a slutty raven but is, in fact, Crazy Tits wearing the absolute dumbest goddamn thing ever. I think she was aiming for somewhere between "Bad Final Fantasy Cosplay" and "Skinemax Villain", only to end up with "Evil Drag Queen Midget". The only thing worse than seeing the second runner up in the Miss Methadone Clinic Pageant wearing whatever the hell this is would have to be the idea that someone out there sat down and thought "You know what would make good nipple pasties? Belts. Goddammit, I am on FIRE today!"

With every celebrity trainwreck, there's always the moment where things go from "Ha ha! Let's laugh at the sub-mentals" to "Wow, this is actually incredibly depressing, someone please put them out of their misery," and oh would you look at that, Speidi's finally hit it. Spencer is now a raving lunatic (well, more so than usual anyway) and now the two-headed moral vacuum have basically completely goddamn broke.

Said Jenner, "Lately, it hard for me -- even as someone who used to be best friends with him -- to see what's real and what's not as far as he goes... I see he wants attention."

Jenner also said Pratt "got all crazy with those crystals," on which Us Weekly has reported the Pratts have spent $400,000.

Us Weekly also reports that the couple are in "panic mode" about losing their source of income because neither has taped since Mid-April. (Spencer was suspended from the MTV hit after threatening to kill a producer; Heidi's role was reduced after she objected to a faux-divorce story line.) (Source)

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, what with Heidi trying to turn herself into one of those creepy Old Navy mannequins and Spencer doing everything in his power to look and act like someone who will rape a 12-year-old girl and stick her body under the crawlspace. All I'm saying is, give them six months; They're either going to end up on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Douche" or "FOX's Wildest Celebrity Murder-Suicides."

So apparently the text messages between Angel (He will forever be known as Angel, goddammit!) and Rachel Uchitel, AKA "The Woman Who Puts The Wood In Hollywood" have leaked out, and as it turns out, little miss "I will fuck anything with two legs and an IMDB page" might not be all that mentally stable. I'll give you guys a minute to recover from that shocking discovery.

Uchitel: "Just (bleeping) go and be with her."

Boreanaz: "Why do u act like such a (bleeping) child!!! She is my wife."

Uchitel: "Oh, please!! ... You're such a liar. You're never leaving. You've wasted my time and I'm once again alone." She adds: "I can't (bleeping) be alone anymore. I've been alone my entire life."

Boreanaz: "What the HELL are you talking about. We spend more than enough time together." (Source)

Just putting this out there Rachel, but if you want a man, you might want to consider the ones who aren't married. Seems like kind of a no-brainer. It's sort of like going over to someone's house then throwing a bitch-fit when they won't hand over the deed. "Goddammit, I showed you my vagina! THE ENTIRE WORLD OWES ME NICE THINGS FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON!"

Stephen Baldwin, who you might remember from such cinematic classics as Sharks In Venice and Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice, got naked for Cosmo because apparently Cosmo readers have a thing for doughy basket-cases. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the same guy who threw a shit-fit when they tried to open an adult bookstore in the middle of goddamn nowhere, but appearing nude in Cosmo? A-OK. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things, but quite frankly, I'd much rather see teenage girls in said bookstore then have them subjected to Captain Bitchtits up there. All I know is, if we don't restore Stephen Baldwin soon, he might go full peen. And that is something that cannot be undone.

For those of you who couldn't give two shits about "Sex And The City 2: Sandy Vaginas", here are the 10 Most Anticipated Anti-Blockbusters. (Pajiba)

So Dr. Phil shaved that stupid mustache off of his face and OH JESUS KILL IT WITH FIRE. (Yeeeah!)

Hey, remember how Lindsay tried suing E-Trade over the Milkaholic Baby? Well, there defense is basically just one long document calling Lindsay a drunk whore. (The Blemish)

And in other "Everyone hates Lindsay" news, the director of "I Know Who Killed Me" pretty much threw Lindsay under the bus for being an unprofessional whore. (Agent Bedhead)

You know, it was only a matter of time before a Tiger Woods Freudian slip got out there. (Seriously? OMG!)

Surprisingly, that girl who got a reality TV show for robbing celebrities is going to jail. (Celebitchy)

Channing Tatum is going to be giving it to Winona Ryder in an upcoming movie. (BricksandStones)

Katy Perry topped Maxim's Hot 100 List, and I'm pinning this one entirely on Mike Ruiz. (POTP)

Cynthia Nixon, AKA the only likable part of "Sex And The City" at this point, is on the cover of The Advocate. (popbytes)

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee something something tattoo something something her ass something something and oh shut your stupid goddamn trap you fucking white supremacist whore. You know, I never really understood why this bitch got so many tattoos anyway, especially since they probably get covered up by her Klan robe. But hey, for those of you who get off to delusional famewhores who look like they set their Homer Simpson makeup gun to "$5 Third Reich Hooker", I hear you can get half-off on the price of her site if you enter the promotional code "I<3Hitler".

Because two of a good thing is always better than one, Helen Fucking Mirren has her own wax figure at Madam Tussauds. This officially marks the closest you will ever get to a threesome with two Helen Fucking Mirrens ... At least until they invent a cloning machine. Then you can fulfill all your perverted little twin fantasies without that whole "incest" thing ruining it for you. Anyway, grab some Jergens, a couple towels, and head back to your bunk; you've got a long night of fantasizing about Helen Fucking Mirren ahead of you.

Which one of these women is Hulk Hogan's daughter and which one is he banging? And .... GO! It's a trick question, right? Because they look completely identical. What, did you think I was gonna say it was a trick question because Hulk Hogan is probably also banging his daughter? *thinks* OK, I guess I'll give you the point.

Editor's note: Nice bathing suit to wear out in public, blonde on the right.

Remember Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape which turned out to be sex tapes, plural? Well the sex tapes plural also reportedly feature multiple partners, plural. Well now, that's just whorey.

A document governing the potential sale of Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape reveals that multiple partners were featured having intimate relations with the reality TV star, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

Kendra is threatening to sue over the release of a sex tape she made when she was 18. Vivid obtained the tape and the porn company says it will soon distribute it. (Source)

Honestly, I don't really know who would even want to watch a Kendra Wilkinson sex tape anyway. Don't get me wrong, she has an amazing body; the Playboy thing I can understand. But Playboy pictures don't talk. On the other hand, who wants to see a chick getting double-penetrated when she laughs like this after literally everything she says? "Oooh, baby. I like it like that. AHAHAHAHAHAH." "Harder! Harder! AHAHAHAHAHAH."

Because it was really only a matter of time before this happened, Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne have gotten themselves into a feud. And of course, it involves drinking, calling each other "Fake" and "Loser," going to security, and one of the assholes from "The Hills." Yeah, I think that about covers it.

An eyewitness told Page Six: "Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi.

"But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: 'Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don't like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.'"

Lindsay was furious and screamed back: 'Don't threaten me!' She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off." (Source)

I think the only part better than Avril Lavigne calling someone a fake and a loser without a feeling any sense of irony whatsoever is that Lindsay actually went to security, as if they have some sort of procedure for this. "Aw crap, we got ourselves a whore fight. Get me a can of mace and some RU-486; I'm going in."

"Iron Man 2" may be a little thicker around the waist, but it's still a hell of a fuck. (Pajiba)

Amazing; somewhere out there, someone saw Pamela Anderson and thought "Okay, but what would she look like dipped in gold?" (Yeeeah!)

Ke$ha'$ crotch will make you want to $tab out your own eye$ with a ru$ty $pork. (The Blemish)

Betty White. Playing Beer Pong. You're welcome. (Seriously? OMG!)

Taylor Swift donated $500,000 to Nashville flood victims. Seriously? Good for her. (Celebitchy)

Wow, Matthew Broderick is...Ummm, yeah. Nerdy. (Celebslam)

Here's the cover of Hilary Duff's new novel. Yes, really. (HollyWire)

Sadly, what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. Preferably in a shallow grave outside of town. Isn't that right, Crazy Tits? (CelebSmack)

Oh Pink, I love you, but you might want to work on the whole "Not bashing your husband" thing. (Evil Beet)

Lil Wayne's new song samples the theme from "The Office". No, really. (popbytes)

Apparently, Will Schuester really does not want an all-Britney episode of "Glee". (Allie Is Wired)

Here's America's Favourite Nazi Whore, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, promoting a wrestling match between herself and Gina Lynn. Yeah, I'm not sure who she is either, but as long as she can knock the remaining teeth out of the poorly-tattooed meth-whore's face, then I'm on team Gina. On the plus side, I bet all those white power tattoos will cover up the bruising pretty damn nicely.

You know that sex tape that Kendra Wilkinson is apparently super pissed off about? Yeah, about that...Well, first off, it's actually "Sex Tapes," not "Sex Tape." You know, plural. More than one. And second: Yeah, she might not be quite as pissed off about that as she says she is. As in, she set up her own company to sell them.

Documents from 2008 that Radar recently obtained indicate Kendra set up a company called Home Run Productions LLC to shop the XXX footage. There are multiple references to "the tapes," meaning there is more than one. The papers are dated November 2008, after she and Hank publicly announced their engagement, and Home Run Productions LLC was created under Kendra's name that month.

Radar previously reported that Kendra will address the sex tape controversy on her reality show, which could be a ratings boon even if her lawyers are successful in blocking the tape's release. (Source)

Ummmm ... Shocker? I think? Oh who the hell are we kidding, did anybody not expect the Playmate who made a career out of boning Hugh Hefner to be, well, kind of a freak in the bed? Honestly, at this point most people know more about Kendra Wilkinson's va-jay-jay then they do about their own bodies. "Oh, Kendra has to most adorable little freckle on her taint! ...When the hell did I get this mole?"

Crazy Tits, the face of modesty and humbleness, is apparently a goddamn psychic now. No, really. She watched The Time Traveler's Wife (which is, by the way, a terrible movie) and decided that oh my God! She could see the future, and that because of this, The Man is trying to keep her down. Actually, that's because you're filthy disease-ridden whore, but go on...

U know why I cried when I watch "The Time Traveler's Wife?" Because I'm no time traveler, yet I'm a psychic....sometimes its amazing..

Yet sometimes it sucks..Because I always know what's going to happen. Good things will happen, but because of that, some bad ppl wna stop me (Source)

Well gosh, she's like a modern day Nostradamus, isn't she? You know, if Nostradamus was syphilis-infected whore who faked having a miscarriage for attention. Call me crazy, but I think Crazy Tits is a little less "Crystal Ball" and a little more "Crystal Meth."

In case you didn't know by now, I have this thing about Gary Busey: Mostly, that I think he's equal parts funny and terrifying. Sorta like Freddy Krueger, only less burned up and less likely to molest your kids. Anyway, the guy had a baby, and once again I find myself feeling a heady mix of "Happiness" and "Ball-crushing terror."

Gary Busey debuts his nearly three-month old son Luke exclusively to ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. The actor and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson welcomed their baby boy into the world on February 23rd. The proud parents are currently developing a show about their new family and Gary's role as a father. (Source)

I like Gary Busey, I really do, but...well, look at those teeth. I don't know about you, but if I was the little guy, I'd be less concerned about whether or not he'd make me watch "Dora The Explorer" and more concerned with accidentally winding up in a baby sandwich. Actually, come to think of it, being forced to watch "Dora" is probably a fate worse than death.

Avril Lavigne is now dating professional D-bag Brody Jenner, whom she traded up (down?) from her troll-faced ex-husband Deryck [sic] Whibley, and to commemorate the relationship the pair got matching "fuck" tattoos on their ribcages. How romantic.

A source told RadarOnline.com that Avril and Brody looked awful when they arrived at the shop. "They were laughing and said they had not slept in two days. They were completely, utterly out of it. "Then nobody could believe it when they said they wanted the word F**K written on their ribs.

"Avril didn't even care that the only person available to ink her in the shop was an apprentice . She just said, 'I don't care do it.' "Neither of them seemed to stop and think about what they were doing, it was just one big laugh." (Source)

That is so an "Avril" thing to do. That chick is so rock and roll. You can tell by the way she's always giving the middle finger to cameras and getting wasted and having curse words indelibly inked to her body; not because the music she performs resembles anything close to actual "rock and roll." Having artistic abilities that match your image is so last decade.

You know, normally we tend to over-exaggerate the title for the sake of comedy, but this might be the first time I've ever turned it down a notch because holy mother of God, Spencer Pratt actually went on the record to say that he's happy Heidi's mom's house got foreclosed. Really. I know I've said this before, but it kinda bares repeating here: Spencer Pratt is the worst person ever.

TMZ has learned a bank in CO is foreclosing on an undeveloped piece of property owned by Heidi's mom --- Darlene Egelhoff -- claiming she owes $187,385.62 on a $189k loan she took out in 2006.

When we reached out to Spencer for comment, told us, "If that's true ... that is the best news I've heard all day long."

Apparently, Spencer still holds a grudge for the way Heidi's mom handled post-surgery Heidi on the season premiere of "The Hills"  ... you remember, when she told Heidi she wasn't pretty and made Heidi cry. (Source)

I probably don't say this enough, but fuck Spencer Pratt. What kind of morally bankrupt person actually hears that someone's homeless and goes "Hey, best day ever right now!"? This isn't even like comical, twist your pencil-mustache while you tie a woman to train tracks evil, this is full-on "Moral vacuum from which no sense of decency or humanity can ever escape" evil. Oh wait, I almost forgot to tell a joke. Why did Spencer Pratt cross the road? So he could laugh at homeless people.

Just in case you had any doubt, Jay Leno is an even bigger douchebag than you previously thought. (Pajiba)

Who's ready to come uncomfortably close to John Mayer's ballsack? (Yeeeah!)

Courtney Love says she's good at sex because she's ugly. Only half of that sentence is true. (The Blemish)

I have to admit, Cyndi Lauper's new hair looks GORGEOUS. (Seriously? OMG!)

Angel says he's in "sincere pain" since coming clean about cheating on his wife. Looks like that Gypsy curse has struck again. (Celebitchy)

Just in case you needed any more proof that Paris Hilton is a huge bitch...Well, here's some more. (Celebslam)

Here's Kristen Stewart in ELLE Magazine. (HollyWire)

Here are some of those dresses Elisabeth Hasselbeck thinks will get you raped. (CelebSmack)

Alright, so the new Beyonce video is out, and while Stacey loves it, I'm not so into it. (popbytes)

Rachel Uchitel takes time out of doing every married man in Hollywood to be even more useless than usual. (Evil Beet)

"Sex And The City 2: Sandy Vaginas" is coming out in a couple weeks, which means it's time for another round of "But do the whores hate each other?" stories. As it turns out, the one who looks like Seabiscuit is tired of all you neigh-sayers (HA!) making up stories about how much they hate each other, so now she's here to set the record straight; they actually just KINDA hate each other.

The actress -- who reprises her role as Carrie Bradshaw in SATC movie sequel Sex and the City 2 - is adamant there is no rivalry among the ensemble cast, which includes Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall and Kristin Davis.

"When you're on set, you're working 90-hour weeks, you're never home, you're exhausted," she said.

"There are times when all of us have been sensitive and sometimes feelings get hurt. But I don't have any regrets about how I've treated people." (Source)

Hey, you'd be pissed off too if you were in a huge show, only to have all the attention hogged by a glorified Mr. Ed. "What the hell? I did not slum it in fucking Porky's so that I could be outshone by the winner of The Kentucky Derby! I don't care how high the bitch can count, I want that bitch sold to a glue factory by tomorrow or I quit!"

Well, it was bound to happen eventually: the first naked pics of a "Glee" cast member have surfaced, and unfortunately, it wasn't Puck. I know, I'm disappointed to. But for those who like boobies, take solace in the fact that it was Heather Morris, AKA Brittany, AKA The Greatest Dumb Person On TV Ever.

We have no idea who shot these nude photos that have leaked out on the Web of the pretty blonde dancer/actress. But they're way better than the ones of 'Idol" judge Kara DioGuardi in Allure or Kim Kardashian in whatever.

So stand up and take a bow, unknown photographer. You should get major credit for these photos. As long as you have a model release. (Source)

Once again, I'd like to point the "Steven Daigle Law of cCelebrity Sex Stories": It's gonna happen eventually, so you might as well do it professionally instead of winding up with a blurry piece of crap you shot on your iPhone. Anyway, I'm just going to shut up and let you get back to fantasizing about the girl who thinks dolphins are just gay sharks. Oh Brittany, you sure are lovably stupid!

Because Lindsay Lohan simply will not rest until her picture is placed under "irony" in the dictionary, here she is out drinking until 2:30 in the morning after her alcohol education class. Yup, really. But hey, experience is the best teacher, right? So essentially, it's like she's doing her homework. It's sort of like how you need to find the clitoris in order to pass sex ed ... Wait, what do you mean you can pass health class without sleeping with your teacher? Aw, Ms. Kearny, how could you?

You know, it's been a while since we've heard from America's favorite Nazi Whore (admittedly, not a steep competition) Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, but she's back to set the record straight! She's not a white supremacist, because she has (and I quote here) "too many colored friends". Well, I guess that clears everything up.

"No, I was never a white supremacist," she said. "More like white pride stuff."

Bombshell said that she has never had sex with a black guy but she would consider it because after all, she is "colored" what with all her tattoos.

"I've dated other races, just not a black guy," she said. "I'm not against it. I make a horrible racist Nazi. I have too many colored friends." (Source)

White pride? You know, maybe I'm overreacting here, but ... Ummmm, what the fuck? Do they have some parade where they march down the street going "We're white! We're right! Get used to it!" But hey, she has "colored friends" now, so it's all good, right? Oh who are we kidding, if you refer to them as "colored" friends, they're probably not your "actual" friends. Nice try their, Miss Hitler. Please run off back to whatever backwoods white supremacist pit you crawled out of.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise put together this performance of "Whatever Lola Wants" from Damn Yankees for a benefit gala, trying their damndest to look like two people who are sexually attracted to each other. In the video, which someone in the audience helpfully captured for posterity, Katie sings and struts about in an attempt to seduce Tom; and Tom pretends like he thinks its sexy. It's pretty much the gayest thing I've ever seen two people who purport to be making biblical-style missionary sex with each other participate in. And that includes the time that my parents dressed up like Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy for Halloween, except I'm pretty sure my parents don't have sex, or at least that's what I like to tell myself because no one wants to believe their parents have sex, so I'm sticking to it.

You know that picture of Spencer Pratt and his super magical rock that we use in pretty much every post of him? Well, now we have something better: VIDEO. I honestly couldn't give half a rat's ass about what he's complaining about because I'm a little hung-up on the fact that he's covered in HUNDREDS of magic rocks. He probably thinks that the entire thing is some sort of competition. "Look how many magic crystals I'm wearing! I WIN AT HOKEY, MADE UP RELIGIONS! I now pronounce myself king of God! Bow before me and my creepy pedophile beard!"

Yet another ingenious video from hh: Here's every "GET OUT OF THERE!" moment in movies mashed together. (Pajiba)

Ugh, gross: Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron might be doing it. With each other. (Yeeeah!)

Someone finally managed to convince Lady Gaga to lock herself in a room away from society...but then convinced her to come back out. Dumbass! (The Blemish)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and then had it misspelled. The Seinfeld Curse strikes again! (Seriously? OMG!)

Here are more promos for Betty White's upcoming SNL gig, and they are pretty damn phenomenal. (Celebitchy)

To the surprise of, well, no one really, Kendra Wilkinson has a sex tape and Vivid is going to release it. (Celebslam)

Demi Lovato crashed her car or something. This is why you need to wash the Crisco off your hands after fisting your gay boyfriend: The wheel might slip. (HollyWire)

Hey look, Liz Hurley and a pair of back-up whores opened a boutique. (CelebSmack)

Check out some stills from Sex and the City 2: White Privilege And Sandy Vaginas. (agentbedhead)

In case you missed it, Jane Lynch and Olivia Newton-John remade the video for "Physical", because everything is funnier when it's done by Sue Sylvester. (popbytes)

Elton John's show got canceled in Egypt because he was gay. Hey, Egypt: Suck my dick. (Evil Beet)

To the shock and surprise of absolutely no one, everyone's favourite drunken Oompa-Loompa, Snookie, got into a bar fight with some random blond chick. Seriously, it's like basic math at this point: Snookie + Alcohol + Whores = Ratings. Seriously, somewhere out there an MTV executive is snorting cocaine out of the ass-crack of a 13-year-old Laotian prostitute thanks to Snookie.

The trouble reportedly started while Snooki and Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley were recently enjoying a night out at a club in Miami partying in the VIP section - when an unidentified woman tried to get past the velvet rope and rub elbows with the bronzer-loving ladies.

"This blonde girl kept trying to get in and Snooki got really mad," a club witness claimed. "That's when the fight broke out and Jenni jumped in and took the girl down."

The reality starlet then reportedly came to blows with the gatecrasher.

"Snooki just started swinging at the girl and then grabbed her neck," the witness continued. "Snooki just kept calling her a whore." (Source)

Well, what exactly the hell did you expect? Allowing Snookie to roam free in a bar is sort of like letting Cthulhu go off-leash near a pre-school; that shit is gonna get messy. But hey, like my mother always says, every time Snookie takes a swing, an angel gets its wings.

Because you can never have enough silicone pumped into your tits, Heidi Montag is going back under the knife to upgrade her boobs from "Cartoonishly Big" to "Oh Jesus, they're coming for us sweetie! Take the kids! TAKE THE KIDS AND RUN! I'LL HOLD THEM OFF AS LONG AS I CA-MMMMMMMMFFFF!!!"

"She wants to do it within the next two months and film it for the new TV show she and Spencer have been pitching to cable networks E! and Oxygen," an insider tells the magazine. "She feels forced into it, because she didn't get what she wanted last time. She's not going to be satisfied until they're bigger."

The kicker? "Heidi's purportedly looking to have the surgery done in Europe rather than by an American-board-certified doctor," the mag reports. (Source)

I'd like to take the time to remind everyone that this is a 23-year-old woman we're talking about. One who has already undergone more surgery than most people will in their entire lives. Hell, I'm at home recovering from hernia surgery, and I'm already turbo-loaded with enough painkillers to knock out a fully-grown elephant. This poor woman must have more meds in her than a goddamn pharmacy. Hell, I'm pretty sure if you pull her head back, Vicodin probably shoots out of her neck like a PEZ-dispenser.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, or as you probably know her, the dumbest member of The View, which is sorta like being heaviest kid in Fat Camp, is back to her usual stupid bitchy ways after making fun of Erin Andrews for not wearing enough clothes on "Dancing With The Stars" after a stalker videotaped her in the privacy of her own home. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck is classy and stuff.

"In light of what happened and as a legal [matter]--and as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room," Elisabeth said. "I mean, in some way if I'm him, I'm like, 'Man! I just could've waited 12 weeks and seen this--a little bit less--without the prison time!'"

After 'Dancing' Tuesday night, Erin told People that Elisabeth's comments were "a slap in the face to victims of stalking and sexual predators." (Source)

Well, obviously Elisabeth is completely qualified to talk about sexual harassment since ... Ummmm, well, she was on "Survivor" once, remember? God, she's probably one of those people who blames rape victims for not covering up enough. "Well of course she was sexually assaulted; her dress doesn't even cover her ankles! Shameless!"

Allow me to preface this post by saying that I have seen every awful thing the internet has to offer. "Two Girls, One Cup," Goatse, Tub Girl ... Seen it all. And all of that pales in comparison to Crazy Tits' new site, TilaTequilaOMG.com. (Intentionally not linked.) It is literally the absolute worst thing on the internet. EVER. It's like what would happen if you tried giving yourself a lobotomy using an electric egg beater and zero anesthesia, except at least the lobotomy would end with the sweet, sweet embrace of death, while reading Crazy Tit's horrid little clusterfuck of a blog would only leave you with shame and a deep-seeded desire to end it all.

After being photographed together at the White House Correspondent's dinner and subsequently flirting on twitter, Kim Kardashian is receiving death threats from enraged Justin Biber fans. See, this is why 45-year-old ladies shouldn't be allowed to go on the internet.

After she mingled with the teen idol Saturday at the White House Correspondents' dinner in Washington, D.C., she Twittered that she had "Bieber fever."

He quickly replied, calling her his "girlfriend." Now, the E! reality star, 29, has Twittered, "I'm getting death threats from your fans! This is unBeliebable!!!" Bieber, 16, is shocked. "Seriously?" he responded. (Source)

Well what do you know. It turns out "Bieber Fever" can be lethal after all. I wonder if it's worse than the Swine Flu? Either way, if I were a certain 12-year-old lesbian, I'd be mighty scared of being locked in a bubble in a cage in the secret headquarters for Disease Control and Prevention. With no hair product.

So the video for Miley's new song "Can't Be Tamed" is out, and apparently people everywhere are dropping their monocles and clutching their pearls and blah and blah and blah because we all know that 17-year-olds are chaste little virgins. Bitch please, have you ever met an actual 17-year-old girl? They're all whores. (Ed. Note: I know I was -- Stacey) At least she's owning up to it instead of promoting abstinence while getting knocked up by the town dumbass. Ain't that right Bristol? I guess what I'm trying to say is, teens are about as pure as the new fallen snow ... If someone jizzed all over it. On the plus side, have you ever finger-blasted yourself while wearing a Promise ring? It feels AMAZING.

Lindsay Lohan's little gunplay photographer friend has confirmed that she will be playing the role of Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biopic about the infamous 1972 porno flick, Deep Throat.

Last month, Lohan was reported to have signed on to upcoming indie flick Inferno to play Linda Lovelace, the late porn star most famous for the 1972 hard-core movie Deep Throat. Well, her photographer pal Tyler Shields confirmed to us this weekend that the actress has indeed landed the gig.

Shields says he's talked to the movie's director, Matthew Wilder, about Lohan's role... "[Wilder] contacted me and asked me if I would do the promos for the movie," Shields told us Saturday night at the opening of "Collisions," his new exhibition at Gallery 1018 in downtown L.A. (Source)

If you think about it, this makes perfect sense since the two things Lindsay Lohan is really good at are smoking pole and acting. OK, well technically she's only really good at one of those things. Yeah ... Are they sure "biopic" is the right direction they want to be going with this movie? Personally, I think it's got "remake" written all over it.

Because we can't go a single goddamn week around here without another giant celebrity cheating scandal, David Boreanaz -- or, "Angel" as he will forever be known to me -- has come forward and admitted that he had an affair on his wife of nine years, Jamie Bergman, after his mistress tried to blackmail him.

"I was associated with a woman who I was involved with and had a relationship with," he said. "She asked for money. I felt as though I was being blackmailed or there was some sort of extortion."

Boreanaz fails to identify the mistress, but he was rumored to be carrying on an affair with Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel for months last year while his wife was pregnant. (Source)

Oh, well of course he only jeopardized his marriage for one of Tiger Woods whores, because that's creative. It's like these high-profile dudes who want to screw around on their wives are magnetically drawn to the first blonde skank (or in Jesse James case, brunette, swastika-covered skank) with a neon sign that reads: "Will sell you like a prison bitch for a pack of cigarettes." Sexy.

True story: I went to see "A Nightmare On Elm Street" this weekend, and the only part the audience liked was the trailer for "Piranha: 3-D". (Pajiba)

There really is no way to preface this one, other than to say: Hugh Jackman in a tux. If that isn't enough for you, you are dead to me. (Yeeeah!)

The end of "The Simpsons" has come, and it has come in the form of a greasy looking whore with a dollar sign in her name. (The Blemish)

Morgan Freeman got some of Betty White's sweet, sweet sugar. (Seriously? OMG!)

Waaaaaaaaah, Roman Polanski is having a whiny little bitchfit because people are mad that he drugged and raped a little girl. (Celebitchy)

So not only did Paula Abdul park in a handicap spot, but she even managed to take up extra space on the side. Nice job, A-hole. (Celebslam)

And in other "Celebs blame everyone else but themselves" news, Chris Brown stormed out of an interview because no one wanted to hear his crappy music. (HollyWire)

Oooooooo boy, Whitney Houston is not looking so hot right now... (CelebSmack)

Oh look, Lady Gaga is acting like a whore. Surprise? (popbytes)

I really couldn't care any less about Tokio Hotel or something, but Adam Lambert wants to bang the singer, which just begs the question: WHY?! (Allie Is Wired)

Everyone's favourite, tiny werewolf has gotten married. Sorry, Stace. (Evil Beet)

Yes, what you see above you is Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. TOGETHER. This is what is known by most religious scholars as "The End Of The Freakin' World". In all seriousness, for all those worried that Justin Bieber will bring about the end of Western Civilization...Well, remember how fast all those teenage girls forgot about The Jonas Brothers? Exactly. I give the 12-year-old lesbian another two months, tops. Until then, I need to excuse myself real quick; there seems to be four horsemen standing outside of my apartment I need to take care of.

In today's "News that will make teenage girls and gay men everywhere just DIE," Britney's demo recording of what is now Lady Gaga's "Telephone" has hit the web like a cold sore, and IT. IS. ACTUALLY KINDA DISAPPOINTING. To be honest, the auto-tune is so thick, for all I know, it could be my grandmother. You could probably record yourself beating a sack of kittens with a two-by-four, auto-tune it a little hear and there, and walk away with pretty much the exact same result. All I know is, Britney managed to make a Lady Gaga song worse, which pretty much as impossible as those fucking water worlds in Super Mario Bros. God I hate those water worlds.

Do you like being uncomfortably energetic, and buying things from a morally bankrupt man who looks like a convicted statutory rapist? Well then have I got good news for you! Well, not really. Spencer Pratt and Snookie's weirdly hot boyfriend are teaming up to create their own energy drink called, and I swear to God I'm not making this up, "Guid-O-Juice". What, was "Haterade" too obvious?

Pratt and Emilio Masella just acquired trademark rights on the name "Guid-o-Juice" --  for drink products ranging from energy-fueled concoctions to herbal remedies.

We're told Spencilio's first venture is "what's soon to be the most popular Guido energy drink in the world." (Source)

Well it makes total sense when you think about it: You're probably gonna need a lot of energy after the gym, and tanning, and ... Ummm, laundry. Yeah, I bet folding shirts must be exhausting. On the plus side, I hear it's coming in delicious flavors, like "Steroid Strawberry," "Oompa Loompa Orange," and "Snookie Punch".