In honor of the sheer awesomeness of Drag Me to Hell, here's a list of the Decade's 10 Best Horror Comedies. (Pajiba)

Awwww, Amy Winehouse made a friend! One that she can't smoke crack out of, anyways. Seriously, how cute is that? (Yeeeah!)

Spencer Pratt is a pothead. And not the fun kind either; More like the stupid, douchey, flesh-coloured-pedo-beard-wearing kind of stoner. (The Blemish)

Jay Leno finally bid adieu to The Tonight Show so that he and his chin may now annoy you with terrible jokes in a whole new time-slot. (Seriously? OMG!)

In case you're wondering, yes, Anna Wintour is still a total bag of hot, fresh dog shit. (Celebitchy)

Did Shia Laboeuf get into an accident with a suspended license? Probably not, but he's still kind of a dorky little bitch. (Celebslam)

Kara DioGuardi outed Adam Lambert on The View. Ummmm...surprise? (HollyWire)

Wow...Candy Spelling makes Joan Crawford look like the head of your grade school's PTA. (CelebSmack)

Here's Hayden Pannehowthefuckdoyouspellhername looking all sexy and what not in a bikini. (usemycomputer)

Selena Gomez and Taylor Lautner's relationship are kaput. I'm sure I'd care if I were a twelve-year old girl. (Lainey Goss)

Here's a look at The Hills without LC. I'm still not sure who any of these people are, but I want them all dead. Now. (IBBB)

Since no one has written anything about Lady Gaga's shocking and unquenchable sexual appetite in approximately five minutes, she gave this soundbite to Canada's The Observer about what she'd like to do to The Jonas Brothers:

"I love the Jonas Brothers, they're very talented," said Gaga, as her friends call her, over the phone from a tour stop in Melbourne, Australia, yesterday.

"I met them once at (MTV's now defunct show) TRL (Total Request Live). I'd like to have a foursome with them!" (Source)

Sure, why not. A foursome with The Jonas Brothers even though they're A) brothers, B) ostensibly virgins and C) possibly not 100% hetero across the board. Scandalous. I mean, "yawn." If overtalking your sexual prowess is directly indicative to your actual sexual performance then I'd say Lady Gaga likes it missionary, mews like a kitten and barely wrinkles the sheets.

The new video for Try Pants' single "Paparazzi" is after the jump:

In "The Least Deserving Person to Have a Book Now Has a Book" news, Lisa Rinna has a book. So here she is at the signing of Rinnavation, which was titled as such because there's a rule that celebrity biographies have to have a bad pun using the celebrity's name or some other pertinent fact about the celebrity in the title. It doesn't even have to make sense. I'm telling you, if they didn't work backwards from the title on this one then that bitch's face is real.

Phonies: (Noun) A fraudulent person or thing; plural.

OK, get ready to forget everything you've ever known about the Madden Brothers. Done? Huh, that was quick. Anyway, apparently this whole time they weren't who we thought they were. Until just recently, their real names were Joel and Benji Combs.

Joel and Benji Madden weren't actually Joel and Benji Madden until a few weeks ago -- they were legally known as Joel and Benji COMBS.

According to some court documents, the Good Charlotte twins have officially changed their last name to Madden -- Joel on April 14 and Benji on May 1. (Source)

Pretty lame if you ask me. I mean, if you're going to invent a punk rock last name at least pick something more creative than stupid Madden. Like "Zipperhead" or "Bloodguts" or "Stompface." Or "The Only Reason Anyone Even Gives A Crap About Us Anymore Is Because We Banged Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie." Hmmm ... I guess that last one isn't so much punk rock as brutally honest.

Joel and his douchey new hair and Nicole Richie at the launch of her "House Of Harlow" jewelry collection:

Meow! The frilly pink gloves are finally off in the sexually ambiguous "American Idol" runner-up feud. Adam Lambert finally responded to Clay Aiken's haughtily-blogged insults about him to "Access Hollywood" and made it clear that Clay is no threat to him:

“I don’t know Clay,” Adam told Access Hollywood on Thursday morning after performing on the “Today Show.” “I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before.”

“If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him,” Adam told Access, giving Clay the thumbs up sign. (Source)

Oh, Clay wants to ride something all right, but I bet it's not Adam Lambert's coattails, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge. I bet it's probably the awesome new car he bought with the money from his new "American Idol"-related product endorsements. Vroom, vroom!

More of Gay Hecubus on the "Today" show with Kris "With a K" Allen:

Last week Brooke Hogan chatted via web cam with Perez Hilton and shit talked her mom Linda, alluding to the fact that she was doing drugs and called her 20-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill (above) the "epitome of losers." Linda Hogan shot back, calling Brooke a liar and defending her boyfriend; who is an Eagle Scout, by the way, thank you very much. Here are some choice snippets:

Perez, if Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father's lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, Charlie will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called "Redemption" which will easily surpass any of Brooke's records sales.

Brooke has always had a problem telling the truth. If it is her claim that her breasts are natural or she hasn't been banging the crap out of the pot head $tack for the last 3 years, then her comments of Charlie being a year and a half younger than her are again a complete fabrication (they are 4 months apart). She only judges Charlie because of his long hair and age, Linda doesn't judge. (Source)

Well that settles it. I can't imagine how such a well-worded, coherent and clear-headed rant could have possibly been put together by someone who was under the influence of drugs. It's sad, you know, to see families torn apart by abuse, pettiness and lies. Oh, I meant "families" in general. When it comes to the Hogans specifically I hope a new strain of airborne AIDS breaks out which only infects people with bright yellow hair.

Brooke performing with "$tacks" in a rare moment when she's not "banging the crap" out of him:

Nic Cage is about to go full-retard in the upcoming Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. (Pajiba)

Haylie Duff got a nose job and a chin job, thus demoting her from "Butter-Face" to "I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter-Face". (Yeeeah!)

In alliterated news: Buffy Baby Bump! BUFFY BABY BUMP! (The Blemish)

Having Paparazzi problems? Call Quween, and she will fuck their shit up! (Seriously? OMG!)

Mrs. Potato Head from Britain's Got Talent flipped the shit out and dropped a couple F-bombs. Let the backlash commence! (Celebitchy)

Is Rihanna dating Kanye West? Probably not, but let's pretend they are anyways. (CelebWarship)

No, seriously, Jon and Kate are terrible parents. Would someone please take their children away already? (BricksAndStones)

Oh, greeeeeeat. Now Gwenyth Paltrow is gonna be all smug and self-righteous in Spanish too. Whoopee. (Agent Bedhead)

Adam Lambert still won't say whether he's gay or straight. In a related story, why does it even matter? (POTP)

Kim Kardashian made an exercise DVD or something, which means it's time for gratuitous bikini pics. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Mandy Moore gets WAY too emotional singing about Waffle Bowls...Delicious, delicious Waffle Bowls. (IDWYL)

Guess which vapid, spoiled Hills starlet is being self-centered dickhead today? If you guessed LC, you're absolutely right! MTV, the only reason anyone even knows who Lauren is, had the NERVE to invite ex-BFF Heidi Montag to her Birthday Party. Boo-fucking-hoo.

The Hills stars reveals in the new issue of Cosmopolitan that she knew she'd had enough of the reality series when—wait for it—the producers invited Heidi Montag to LC's birthday party. So rude!

"After the producers did that, I disappeared. If they were disrespectful, I was going to be disrespectful back. I told them, 'You can call me in a week. Think about what you did,' " she tells the mag. (Source)

Oh blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Do you honestly think anyone would give a shit about you if it weren't for The Hills? You're a talentless, pampered idiot. The only reason you even have a job is because someone thought it would be a good idea to follow you around with a camera all day while you act like a shallow, self-absorbed douche. Waaaaaaaaaaah.

More of Ms. "Cry me a fucking river" on her way to "The Late Show with David Letterman":

Empathy: (Noun)  the action of understanding the feelings of another without having the feelings, fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Do you know what Tila Tequila's biggest weakness is? No, it's not that she looks like the illegitimate love child of E.T. and a Bratz Doll. No, it's not that she's a fake bisexual realitard. It's that she just cares SO much for everyone and everything. Well, at least that's what she thinks anyway.

But no, according to her, the A Shot at Love vixen is still a big ol' softie who's just way too nice.

"Sometimes my heart is too big for my own good," Tequila tweeted today. "I forgive too easily and I feel WAY too much for other's pain..even if I shouldn't, I DO! ugh" (Source)

Ah, the who the crap are you kidding? You're an MTV reality star, for fuck's sake. Your emotional range consists of "Bored", "Self-Righteous Anger" and "Weepy, Teary Bullshit". There are Barbies with more emotional depth than you.

Here's St. Tila and her ridiculously gigantic head at Maxim's 10th Annual Hot 100 Celebration:

Paris Hilton was the big winner at the Fifi awards last night -- which is apparently some kind of big perfume awards, because yes they have awards shows for perfumes now -- taking home the award for "Best Celebrity Fragrance" for her Eau de Skank  or whatever its called. So basically, she got rewarded for something that somebody else created for her and she put her name on the box. Brilliant. There's a good message to send our kids. Just be a whore like Paris, and you too can someday win the most prestigious fragrance award of the land.

God, I am getting so effing sick of the Megan Foxes and Katy Perrys and Lady Gagas of this world who act like they're the first damn women to ever embrace their sexuality and everyone else is so frightened and threatened by it. Anyway, here is Lady Gaga on why she can't keep a boyfriend:

She tells Rolling Stone, "The fact that I'm into women, they're all intimidated by it. It makes them uncomfortable. They're like, 'I don't need to have a threesome. I'm happy with just you'." (Source)

Oh yeah, because if there's one thing men absolutely hate, it's the idea of a threesome with two chicks. Come on, Lady Gaga, they're only human, take it easy on them. Next thing you know she'll be forcing her boyfriends to drink beer and watch football. The horror!

More of Lady Gag [sic] wearing some retarded crap like a retarded person last month:

So Britney, who is totally in control of her mental facilities now, recently did a photo shoot for Elle magazine. The good news? She didn't get fried chicken grease or animal feces on the designer clothing this time. The bad news? This happened:

The pop tart took time off from her "Circus" tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. "They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes -- and, well, let's just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn't pretty." (Source)

Remember how I keep insisting that if we don't learn from Britney Spears' psychotic behavior we're doomed to repeat it; and her father and record label and everyone else keeps insisting she's fine and sends her off on a world tour with unbelievable pressures that would crack most people like a walnut? Well, not to say I told you so, but Britney is not fine. Because you know what? People who are fine remember to wear a tampon. Don't forget that. Those, my friends, are words of wisdom you can apply to most of life's situations.

More of Captain Menstruation in a bikini vacationing in the Caribbeans last week:

Q: Is this Avril Lavigne pictured or the next breakout star from Season Twelve of "Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: the Skankening?"

A: Trick question, because no one actually cares who Avril Lavigne is anymore.*

* Editor's note: It's actually Avril Lavigne. But I think I've made my point.

Lindsay Lohan is apparently a huge fan of some rapper named Asher Roth. So much so that she drove three whole hours from L.A. to the University of California's Santa Barbara campus where he was performing. Unfortunately, Asher Roth is not so much a fan of Lindsay Lohan and turned down her generous offer to perform onstage with him. The nerve!

Says an insider, "Lindsay was bugging both Asher and his management team to get onstage during 'She Don't Want a Man,' but Asher was so annoyed by her requests that he actually skipped performing the single."

Lohan, naturally, tweeted about the incident. "Wow," she sniped. "Asher was cocky to all my friends and not that nice." (Source)

Since I'm 31 and had no prior knowledge of, you know, who Asher Roth was -- I did an image search and was surprised to find that instead of being some menacing-looking rapper guy with street cred, Asher Roth is actually some scrawny, doofy-looking, hipster ginger kid who could have been one of the Petes from "The Adventures of Pete and Pete." I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than basically it's like Lindsay Lohan got turned down asking Steve Urkel out on a date.

Asher Roth live at the at The Gramercy Theater last month:

In trying to get his image back, Chris Brown has hired a new team of publicists and has begun to embark on some charity work for anti-domestic violence groups. Kidding! He went on You Tube and blamed the "haters." Here's a rough translation to the above clip:

"I just wanna say what up 'cause I ain't (sic) been out there, but a new album's gonna be coming soon, called Graffiti... I'm about to drop a single this summer for y'all, we ain't (sic) going nowhere.

"Everybody that's been haters, they always been haters. All my real fans, I love y'all, I ain't (sic) a monster." (Source)

Of course Chris Brown isn't a monster. I know monsters, and they usually look like this or this or even this. Chris Brown is a cowardly, women-battering piece of shit. I don't think many monsters would want their good names associated with that sort of element.

During a recent appearance on an Australian radio show, Katy Perry was asked to play the "Shoot, Shag or Marry" game (also known as "Kill, Fuck or Marry" in the states) given the options of Pete Wentz, Benji Madden or John Mayer -- otherwise known as "The Douchbag Three." So guess who she wanted to eff?

Perry told them she'd marry Pete Wentz because he seems to be a good dad, shoot Benji and said, "I couldn't marry John Mayer, it'd be so intense. I'd definitely shag the shit out of him though. I'll go on record saying that." (Source)

God help us all if these two chuckleheads ever did manage to find each other and procreate. That kid would be so douchey its embryonic fluid would literally consist of vinegar and antiseptic chemicals and smell like an island splash.

More of Katy Perry at the House Of Mollinari Birthday Extravaganza:

Katherine Heigl has reportedly turned down a part in the upcoming Valentine's Day -- an ensemble cast directed by Garry Marshall featuring the likes of Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Shirley MacLaine and Bradley Cooper -- because they weren't willing to shell out the big bucks for her. God. Don't these people know a star when they see one?

An insider told Page Six, "Producers at New Line originally had Katherine on their casting list. They wanted her for the project, but during the talks, she came back demanding $3 million for the role."

Our source calls that number "ridiculous" because the movie has "an ensemble cast where there is really no one lead role. Actors are only filming between three and 14 days, and no other actors asked for nearly that amount."

 A rep for Heigl told Page Six, "The story is ludicrous. Early negotiations are a daily occurrence in this business, and just for clarification, Katherine walked away from this project for multiple reasons." A spokeswoman for New Line had "no comment." (Source)

Now before Katherine Heigl's personal fan club goes jumping up my ass like always, notice her rep didn't exactly deny the story -- just called it ludicrous. You know what I think is ludicrous? That Katherine Heigl turned down this film even if the offer consisted of her getting paid purely in smelling the farts of Shirley MacLaine and Julia Roberts. And that, my friends, is why Heigl will always be the poor man's My Best Friend's Wedding Julia Roberts and never the poor man's Erin Brockovich Julia Roberts.

More of Heigl smoking her stupid face off on the "Grey's" set:

Brooke Hogan leaked the cover for her upcoming CD on her website, and somehow it manages to look tons more low budget than her crappy new music video. I'm guessing they tried to make her look less manly by just drawing an illustration of her, but the result looks like the cover artwork from one of those cheesy paperback fantasy novels with sexy elven warriors and dragons and crap. No wait, I take that back. 14-year-old boys spend valuable time masturbating to illustrations of those sexy elven warriors, and to compare Brooke Hogan to such is an insult to the masturbatory fantasies of 14-year-old boys.

Brooke on her 21st birthday at Pure nightclub. Actually, seeing these photos, she much more closely resembles a Fabio book cover, anyway:

You should only go see Dance Flick if you hate Zac Efron or if you're massively high on pot brownies. (Pajiba)

Oh look, it's Tori Spelling in a biki-OH DEAR GOD MY EYES! MY EYES! *BLAAARF* (Yeeeah!)

Jose Canseco got his ass handed to him on a silver platter during an MMA tournament. Ha! (The Blemish)

Proving that absolutely nothing is sacred, it looks like Buffy the Vampire Slayer is getting rebooted. (Seriously? OMG!)

Tyra Banks empowers women by promising them shitloads of money, then firing them. WOOOOO! FEMINISM! (Celebitchy)

Lady Gaga's Teacup Watch: Yup, still fucking annoying. (CelebWarship)

Jon and Kate are absolutely terrific parents. (BricksAndStones)

Hmmmm...which is more horrifying? Ejaculating blood or a giant Eli Roth? (Agent Bedhead)

Uh-oh! Guess which has-been gay Idol contestant is crawling back for forgiveness? (POTP)

Pam Anderson goes hiking in white short-shorts. Umm...Yay? Site content NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Juliette Lewis gets an "A" for effort, but an "F" in life. (IDWYL)

Well, I think that went pretty well. Thanks a lot guys and gals! This has been Intern Jeremy for today. Hope to see you all soon!

Opposite Marriage: (Noun) A term used by brain-dead fuck puppets to describe gay marriage.

Awwww, isn't this precious...Colin Farrell will be walking his brother Eamon Farrell down the aisle later this year when he gets hitched to his fiance, Steven. Not just that  "Civil Union" bullshit either. We be talking full on GAY MARRIED, bitch! What?! Somewhere out there, I'm pretty sure James Dobson and Pat Robertson just had fucking aneurysms.

Colin Farrell is preparing to walk his gay brother down the aisle when he marries later this year.

The actor will be best man when Eamon Farrell ties the knot with his partner Steven in a European ceremony.

And Eamon has blasted the British government for forcing him to travel abroad to marry. (Source)

In all seriousness, congratulations to the soon-to-be married couple. Just make sure you make Colin wear one of those super-doofy bridesmaid dresses. Puffy sleeves, random bows...the works.

Here's Colin Farrell looking all sexylicious at the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards:

Boned: (Adjective) Refers either to the act of sexual intercourse, or of being in an unfortunate or dire situation

Hey, everyone! Jeremy Feist here, filling in for Stace on my first day at Webster's. I'm here as the resident Intern/Gay Porn Star, so I'll be here whenever Stacey needs a personal day.

Anyhoodle, to the shock and awe of absolutely fucking no one, Paris Hilton acted like a big ol' slut this weekend. While this isn't inherently newsworthy, her behavior resulted in her and her cock-of-the-week Doug Reinhardt getting kicked out of David Furnish's Yacht Party, after they were caught in flagrante in the bathroom. Classy.

“As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug’s throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn’t care who was looking...They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out," the source added.

“David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behavior." (Source)

To be fair, Paris Hilton doesn't function like we do. She needs to jump someone in the most inconvenient place possible everyday, or else her return to her true form as The Succubus, and Godtopus help us all should that ever happen.

Here's Paris and her stupid wonk-eye at the Mardan Palace Launch:

Just a quick note: I've decided to hire an intern to help out around here so I can take days off now and then without feeling horribly guilty for neglecting you, my wonderful and loyal readers. So without further ado, please welcome Jeremy Feist, the adorably hilarious 18-year-old Canadian gay porn star from Notes on Bar Napkins. (You better believe there's NSFW content on that site.) He's going to covering for me tomorrow, because, well, I decided to tack on an extra day to my holiday weekend to drink margaritas and bang my hot-ass boyfriend.

Be nice to him, because I'll know if you're not. It's been long overdue since I had someone around here to post half naked pictures of Ryan Reynolds -- so longtime readers will see this as a welcome return to form.

Enjoy the rest of your Memorial Day!

xoxo,

Stacey

Remember the big pile of suck which was Independence Day? Here's the most disappointing summer blockbusters. (Pajiba)

Blake Lively from "Gossip Girl" got her tits done. (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton basically effed her boyfriend in the middle of a nightclub last night. (Celebslam)

Oh, yikes. When you start seeing labia, it's time for Lady Gaga to put on pants. (The Blemish)

Here's a first look at Buffy's baby bump! (Seriously? OMG!)

Angelina Jolie thinks Madonna is just a famewhore adopter. Ooh, fightin' words! (Celebitchy)

50 Cent and Bette Midler are completely adorable together. (Hollywire)

Really? Are we sure Prince is still straight? (CelebSmack)

Jewel at the Noche De Ninos Benefit Gala. (usemycomputer)

Hey, that Mini Me cleans up pretty nice, doesn't he? (Lainey Goss)

Who says you can't celebrate Harriet Carter Wednesday on a Friday? (IBBB)

Clay Aiken wrote on his blog about what he thought of the finale of "American Idol" -- which I can't link directly to because you actually have to pay for it -- and he was pleased with the outcome of Adam Lambert losing. Probably because he hates him for being A Gay like the rest of America.

To this, Aiken opened the floodgates: "I couldn't be happier about the way "AI" ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season... This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing ‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening!"

Not that Aiken had much to compare to. He continues, "I never saw Kris sing on the show, but whether he was good or not is really relative. It's usually a matter of taste, right?.... ["American Idol" is] about the person you like." In the lengthy post, Aiken continued to elaborate on this year’s competition in general: "In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David!

I think many voters got sick of being ‘told who to vote for.’ I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant... I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent…. [Votes for Kris] were votes that said ‘we're tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all.’" (Source)

Jesus, what is this guy, the Katherine Heigl of karaoke contests? I think what Clay meant to say was that he appreciated everything "American Idol" has done for him so that to this day he's not still getting his ass kicked outside of bars in whatever ass stain little redneck town he's from and is instead afforded the ability to write on a blog which middle-aged women pay $29.95 a year to read. That sounds much better.

LOL: (Anagram) Abbreviation for laugh out loud.

So this guy Kevin Casey, who is some kind of martial arts fighter guy, put out this video for a rap song he did called "No Surrender," and I dare you to watch it and play a game of which one of these things is not like the other. For some reason, amongst a bunch of credible rap-looking guys dancing in the background, is Spencer Pratt. His dancing consists of mostly hunching his shoulders and raising up his sunglasses to stare "menacingly" into the camera, because, remember? He's painfully white. I think the only way Kevin Casey could possibly gain back his rapper cred after this would be to stage getting gunned down in an apparent rap gang-related shooting. I mean, sure, he'd technically, you know ... Not be "alive" anymore. But I think in the long run it'd be worth it.

More of Captain Whitebread and his idiot wife enjoying their day-to-day routine of posing at the gas station and outdoor restaurant:

Ha ha! Someone stole Paris Hilton's BlackBerry last night at another Cannes party she was attending. The UK's Daily Mail was on hand to offer their assistance:

She ran into the Eden Roc at the Hotel Du Cap and moved quickly down a flight of stairs to the terrace to see if she had left it on the bar.

After ten minutes she emerged saying: 'It's the worst thing that could have happened. It has all my contacts in it and the last thing I want is for it to fall into the wrong hands'.

The Daily Mail then pointed to her clutch purse which was unzipped and it was clear that the phone could have either fallen out of the purse or it was taken. (Source)

To whoever did take Paris Hilton's BlackBerry, I would like to shake that person's hand. Well, while wearing triple-reinforced latex gloves, of course, since whoever took it has probably contracted some kind of rare form of "hand herpes" by now from using her BlackBerry.

Just weeks after filing for divorce from his wife Robin Wright Penn, Sean Penn has withdrawn his motion, saying it was "an arrogant mistake." And also that he wanted to bang Natalie Portman. No, he didn't really say that part.

"They love each other like crazy but they fight like crazy," said a pal.

"They may have gotten into a fight where she said she wanted a divorce and he filed just to beat her to the punch, even though he doesn't want a divorce. (Source)

That's a fantastic reason to file for divorce from someone. In the future they should just add a wing to their house for their divorce attorneys, so they're on hand when one of those "Who used the last of the milk?" squabbles breaks out. So convenient.

Robin Wright Penn in Cannes at the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS party:

So I guess someone won at "American Idol" Wednesday night, but I didn't cover it yesterday because I don't give a flying shit about "American Idol." Anyway, now the whole thing is embroiled in a Miss California caliber scandal because the guy who lost was apparently gay. Here we go again. Here's what the internet has to say:

"It's difficult not to wonder if Lambert's sexuality played a role in Allen's victory," the Chicago Tribune's TV critic writes. "Though he never said whether he was gay, pictures of Lambert kissing other men appeared on the Internet during Season 8.

"If Lambert's popularity on Idol was any indication of how tolerant and accepting America has become, his loss may indicate there's still further to go," continues the Tribune writer.

Adds pro poker player (and recent Celebrity Apprentice runner-up) Annie Duke: "I seriously think Adam lost just because he is gay. Bummed. Bummed. Bummed."

Blog Examiner.com labels Lambert as "polarizing," stating: "Adam was too gay for America." (Source)

Whatever. No one can say for sure why someone did or didn't win at a singing contest, and either way there are still people out there that are gay-hating bigots and nothing's going to change that fact. But if you ask me the whole point is moot anyway because "American Idol" itself is pretty much the gayest thing ever.

More of Prince Goth Flambé backstage at "Idol":

Conan O'Brien gives you a tour of the new "Tonight Show" set. (Pajiba)

Aww, look. Mickey Rourke's got himself a new friend. (IDWYL)

Miss California is probably against gay marriage because she hates her lesbo mom. (Yeeeah!)

Jennifer Dugan from Spider Man 3 has allegedly committed suicide. (The Blemish)

Pete Wentz is gonna be a stay at home daddy. (Seriously? OMG!)

Cameron Diaz lives by the "If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down" philosophy. (Celebitchy)

For no reason, Kim Kardashian throwing a football in a bikini. (BricksAndStones)

Alec Baldwin apologizes for making a joke about mail order brides. Whatever, pussy. (Agent Bedhead)

That dumb new "Idol" judge stripped down to a bikini for the finale. (POTP)

Here's the worst things a guy can tell you after a one night stand. (College Candy)

Hayden Panettiere has been seen sporting a new tattoo lately, a message that runs down her left side in a script font. Now, thanks to the invention of the modern bikini, we all know what is says. And also that it's, uhh ... Spelled wrong.

Often visible above her dresses for the first word, the tattoo in full reads "Vivere senza rimipianti," which is meant to be "to live without regrets" in Italian.

Unfortunately for Hayden, her tattoo reads "rimipianti" instead of "rimpianti," adding an extra "i." (Source)

Boy, that sure is embarrassingly ironic. The only way that could possibly be worse is she were vegan and got a Chinese symbol for, I dunno, whatever hippie crap a vegan would get tattooed on them, and it came out to read "Kung Pao Chicken."

Paris Hilton hosted at the Jalouse Club in Cannes last night, and at some point over the course of the evening she tried to eat her stupid idiot boyfriend's face. The way I see it, there are only two reasonable excuses why anyone should kiss like this. Either if you saw a glob of spaghetti sauce on your partner's chin and wanted to clean it off ... Or, if you're a golden retriever. Period. Sure, "Hey everyone, look at me, I'm such a disgusting whore" is technically an excuse, but I did specify "reasonable."

Selfless: (Adjective) Concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own.

Heidi and Spencer donated 100 pizzas to the homeless at the Union Rescue Mission in downtown Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. How uncharacteristically generous of them, right? Wrong. Spencer twittered something about giving 100 pizzas away to anyone who bought 100 copies of Heidi's new single, and Access Hollywood took them up on it and then made them give the pizza to the homeless.

“I meant it,” a food-service gloved Spencer told Access of his pledge as he delivered pies donated by Pizza Hut to the hungry. “[I] called into Billy’s radio show and had to follow though with my end of the deal and I said, ‘Where do you want the pizzas sent? Do you want them sent to Access Hollywood?’ And of course amazing Billy Bush and Access Hollywood said, ‘No, send them to the homeless, let’s make this a good cause.’ So here we are at the amazing Union Rescue Mission, which feeds, is currently feeding 3,700 mouths a day and more.” (Source)

And of course, it didn't hurt that there were plenty of cameras around to capture them doing unsanitary things with pizza. Because when it comes down to it, what's the point of charity if not everyone can see you being charitable? That's one they don't teach you in the Peace Corps.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt made their big red carpet Cannes debut for the premiere of Inglorious Basterds yesterday. I'm usually not a fan of whatever Angie's wearing, which is invariably shapeless black or neutral, and this is no exception. Number one, beige is gross; and number two, it makes her look washed out and pale. And that red lipstick she's got going on doesn't help either. But, you know, whatever. It's Angelina Jolie. It doesn't matter what she wears because people would still be willing to stab their own grandmothers eyes out just to catch a whiff of her farts.

Ghostbusters III is a go, with Eliza Dushku and Alyssa Milano being considered for possible female busters. (Pajiba)

Michael Jackson is postponing his tour already. Because, oh right, Michael Jackson is supposedly going on tour. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kate Hudson dating A-Rod? She has got the shittiest goddamn taste in men. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay and Sam, part two. (The Blemish)

Star magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt has been sneaking calls to Jen. (popbytes)

But, you know that's bull because Angelina and Brad have been full on making out all over Cannes. Aww. (Lainey Goss)

There's just something about mystic wolves howling at the moon on T-shirts that people can't get enough of. (Celebitchy)

K Fed is about to get cut off from the gravy train. (Celebslam)

Rihanna's got a new boyfriend already. (CelebSmack)

Rose McGowan in something short and green at the Terminator premiere. (usemycomputer)

Because I can't get enough of Brooke Hogan's new video, here's a real-time-review of it. (Site content NSFW!) (Notes On Bar Napkins)

After Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend and Nermal Kardashian's Miami store was vandalized yesterday and they made a big deal and blogged about it, last night their Los Angeles area store was targeted. So naturally, they blogged about it. Again. I'm sure this time it almost definitely won't encourage additional vandalism, though.

Ok dolls, I have some pretty ridiculous news -- our LA Dash was vandalized! The one yesterday seemed obviously gang-related and had nothing to do with us...today the one in Calabasas was most likely intentional since people know it is our store. (Source)

I guess you could also say it was "most likely intentional" since the culprit clearly spray-painted "We Love You Kim" on the window. But I guess pointing that out would also be addressing the fact that no one at all loves the big one or the little one.

The Kardashian sisters at Maxim's Hot 100 party: (Editor's note: Guess which one actually made the list? No really! I dare you to guess!)

Overnight sensation and Star Trek hunk Chris Pine should, in theory, have his veritable pick of beautiful and successful poonany. So why the hell is he supposedly dating Audrina Patridge from "The Hills," who -- incidentally, a fact -- has 28% synthetic body parts?

In fact, they’ve been on a date! “Chris and his girlfriend broke up in March, and he is definitely single,” an insider reveals to In Touch. “They went out, and Audrina is into him.” On May 2, a few weeks before being caught at the Red Lion with friends, the reality star, 24, and the Star Trek hottie, 28, kept a low profile, but left his building early in the morning — just a few minutes apart. (Source)

This is so disappointing. I haven't seen such a gross misuse of fame since River Phoenix died or Cat Stevens went all "beardey" on everyone's asses.

Audrina and her cooler sister at the KROQ Weenie Roast:

Drew Barrymore attended an L.A. Lakers game last night looking like she just had sex in a wind tunnel. She's just one of those celebrities who shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere without a team of stylists making her look presentable first. Which is funny, because she's also one of those celebrities who shouldn't be allowed to say anything unless it's written down for her first. Come to think of it, if we could just get, like, a robot version of Drew Barrymore? That would probably be great. Let's get on that, Hollywood.

Yesterday afternoon John Mayer took to his twitter to explain why he has diarrhea of the mouth and why this doesn't make him a douchebag. I'm listening ...

Let's hammer this out today. Long before "douches" and "famewhores" there were these people called "showbiz types."

"Showbiz types" are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet.

Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much.

So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation's tapestry.

I'm a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!! (of 1,090,466, seventeen stand and applaud wildly)

OK. So I think what he's saying is that, basically, douches are just "Showbiz Types" that never got famous. Well thanks for clearing that up. From now on, I'll try to be more understanding when it comes to the plight of the common douche.

Because no one wants to look at pictures of John Mayer, here's Scheana Marie Jancan, the latest chick he was banging until he dumped her for being too much of a famewhore:

Britney Spears is getting sued by a former bodyguard for $25,000 who alleges negligence which caused him personal injury on the job. Really? $25,000? That's chump change. Literally, I think K Fed gets more than that a week.

Kerry M. Vine of Richmond, Calif., filed his lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court on Tuesday but did not disclose the exact injuries that allegedly took place in March 2008 beyond the claim that Spears' "extreme/outrageous conduct" caused him "severe emotional distress."

Spears failed "to ensure that he could safely perform duties that she ordered him to perform thereby resulting in physical injuries," the lawsuit alleged. (Source)

Well, jeez. Everyone knows you don't take the bag of Cheetos away from Britney until you're 100% sure that she's done with them. Everyone knows that. The key to personal safety is two parts proactive and one part reactive.

More "Circus" photos, because Britney never gets photographed doing anything else anymore:

Gwyneth Paltrow supposedly hates the motherloving crap out of Scarlett Johansson, who is playing the role of the Black Widow in Iron Man 2. Oh MAN do I love a good catfight. This might be the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, today, anyway. Then again, that burrito I had for lunch was pretty good.

One Hollywood source revealed yesterday: “Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. “They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. “Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set.”

“Gwyneth was looking forward to working with EMILY BLUNT, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. “In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

While Scarlett has been donning sexy catsuits and carrying guns for the scenes shot so far, Gwyneth has mainly had to settle for prim business suits. (Source)

I can already picture the headline to the next GOOP newsletter. "How To Passive-Aggressively Be Condescending to Your Younger More Attractive Costar Who Thinks She's So Great Because She Gets To Wear Sexy Clothes and Woody Allen Loves Her and Her Husband Probably Still Has Sex With Her That Bitch." Also in the next GOOP? The best spots for the perfect manicure in SoHo.

ScarJo at some Dolce & Gabbana fashion week thing back in March:

Ryan Reynolds gets his ass handed to him by Betty White and Sandra Bullock. (Pajiba)

Jesus, Jennifer Love Hewitt is clingy as all hell. (IDWYL)

Pam Anderson has no qualms with scratching her vagina at her son's little league game. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Paris Hilton has the same kind of underwear that I do. Gross. (The Blemish)

Lisa Rinna finally admits to getting her lips done. Because otherwise you'd never know! (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh, OK. So Christian Bale's character is the one with the anger issues. (Celebitchy)

Tila Tequila might be knocked up? NO!!! (CelebWarship)

The new Twilight movie poster is gayer than butt sex. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Biel thinks being too beautiful is hurting her career. Or maybe saying things like being too beautiful is hurting her career might actually be hurting her career. (BricksAndStones)

That guy from That Thing You Do is putting personal ads out on the internet. (Agent Bedhead)

Here's Brooke Hogan's full "Fallin'" video, if you're into that sort of thing. And by that sort of thing I mean "Transvestites." (POTP)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian and Nermal Kardasian's new Miami Dash store that they're opening for their new E! series was vandalized last night by gangs. What a shame. Nermal Kardashian took to her blog to dispense any rumors:

Lily, our store employee, who is with us in Miami for the opening, arrived this morning and discovered that the store window had been vandalized with graffiti. All of the graffiti on the wall was gang-related and there were carvings in the glass.

We want to make it clear that no one was targeting the store or Kim, Khloe and myself, specifically. The location of the store has remained a secret since we started filming, so there’s no way whoever graffiti’d the store front knew it was Dash. They were just defacing buildings in the area. (Source)

So what is she saying? That just because it was gang related that there's no way whatsoever that they weren't targeted? Because people in gangs can't hate the stupid Kardashians too? What, because they're poor and can't afford cable, I suppose? I don't think I like where she's going with this, it sounds awfully racist to me. Well. I am washing my hands of any further involvement in the story because I don't care much for racists.

More of Garfield's Racist Cat Girlfriend Kardashian lumbering around Miami:

Here's Paris Hilton going swimming at the pool of the hotel she's staying in for Cannes. What a shame. They're going to have to drain and disinfect that entire pool now. At least when somebody finds a poop or something in there they can probably just use the skimmer to get it out, but there's still no way to skim out "whore."

Here's a clip of Mary Kate Olsen jamming out at a Pearl Jam concert in Madison Square Garden, doing some retarded little hippie dance or something. You can practically smell the pot fumes coming through the computer. I guess you'd pretty much have to be stoned out of your mind to be that into a Pearl Jam song or else you might realize that you're actually listening to Pearl Jam and then immediately want to start punching things.

Update: Embedding feature has been removed. Watch the clip here.

Patchouli Face McCrappy Taste In Music at the Costume Gala earlier month:

If you've been waiting anxiously on the edge of your seat to see who would fling the next handful of poo in the great Eminem-Nick Cannon feud, well, wonder no more because the feud has ended. That's right, during an interview with BBC radio over the weekend, Eminem totally ate crow and sort of ... Apologized?

"With the song 'Bagpipes From Baghdad,' I kinda spazzed out on that record, but I guess I spazzed out on every record," Em told Westwood of the Relapse track. "There's a line on there that was a little harsh. It's a harsh line. ... But it's like this, the way I look at it: I had no idea he was gonna take it like he took it. I had no idea Nick Cannon was gonna start wildin' out on me. No pun intended."

"I heard about some of the things he was saying," Em said. "I didn't read his blog or anything. But it is what it is. He's supposed to defend his wife, and I expected him to do that. But at the end of the day, it's a line I said; it's a song. What I actually meant to say is, I wish them the best. That's what I meant to say. That's the whole message of the record. (Source)

I guess when it comes down to it, Eminem was a little out of his zone here. This time he was actually embroiled in a feud with a black guy who could almost definitely beat him up once he put down Mariah Carey's purse. In the future I'm sure he'll just stick to feuding with teenage girls, dog puppets and his mom.

Mariah at the Cannes premiere of Precious:

Check out Tom Hanks and Will Ferrel doing Celebrity Jeopardy on "SNL" this weekend! (Pajiba)

The Playboy mansion's Stars & Stripes party looks like a "Rock of Love" audition. (Yeeeah!)

David Cross is still going out with Amber Tamblyn; makes out with her in public. (The Blemish)

Harrison Ford literally passed the hat to Shia LeBeouf. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mary Louise Parker is bitter over her nude scene in the last "Weeds" finale. (Celebitchy)

Paris and Doug's neighbors want them to get the H-E-L-L out. (Celebslam)

NYT's Maureen Dowd is a plagiarist! (omg blog)

Mary Carey is starring in a new porno called Celebrity Pornhab wth Dr. Screw. Hee! (CelebSmack)

True story: Bai Ling is one of my favorite celebrities. (usemycomputer)

The New Kids on the Block have laughed their cruise ship tour so they can be stuck with their most rabid, pyscho fans in the middle of the ocean. (Lainey Goss)

Rainn Wilson made a guest appearance on the hot new talk show, "The Edge with Jake Sasseville." (IBBB)

Well, well, well. Look who's suddenly not "too good" to be nominated for an Emmy. Katherine Heigl, who famously threw the writers of "Grey's Anatomy" under a bus last year, has decided not to withdraw her name from Emmy consideration this year. Well whoopdie fuck.

Natch, cynics will snark that the 2007 Best Supporting Actress winner is back in the race because of the tensions that allegedly sprung up between her and series creator Shonda Rhimes after she took herself out of the running. (The movie starlet, you'll recall, said at the time that she didn't have material with which she could compete.) But I think -- and I think you'll agree -- it's likelier that even she knows that, whether viewers loved or loathed the Izzie's-got-a-brain-tumor story, she played the frak out of it. (Source)

You know what I hope more than anything in the whole world? That she won't even be nominated at all. How awesome would that be? Then she'll have died from fictional imaginary brain cancer for nothing. At least if she would have died from fictional imaginary brain cancer on like "House," House might have learned a valuable lesson on how to treat dying people or something. But nope, nothing. No Emmy and no lesson. *crosses fingers*

Mariah Carey is at Cannes promoting the shit out of her new movie Precious (which looks awesome, by the way) and it's been brought to, well, the media's attention that there's more of Mariah to love. You know what, though? I'm not going to hate on Mariah Carey for putting on some weight. She just celebrated her one year anniversary with Nick Cannon. And look how happy they are together! That's what's supposed to happen. I would be lying if I said I haven't put on some "new relationship happiness weight" in the past six months or so, myself. Sure, the road to happiness is littered with bladder infections and intrusive, whore ex-girlfriends -- and then one day you wake up and can't fit into any of your summer clothes anymore -- but at least I'm happy, DAMMIT.

More of Mariah at the Roberto Cavalli Dinner wearing the most ill-advised cut out dress in the history of ill-advised cut out dresses:

Katy Perry performed at something called the Life Ball in Vienna this weekend, and ever the subtle, understated performer she is, was lowered down to the stage in a giant clam shell wearing the inside of a rental beach house bathroom. Sorry, whatever charity Life Ball supports, we couldn't give you enough money for cancer or hunger or whatever because we had to pay for this giant clam shell. I'm sure the dying people will understand.













Oh, and Pam Anderson was there too, in an ensemble I like to call "Futuristic Beatbox Hooker Granny":

You know who we really just don't hear enough about in the media right now? Paris Hilton. So thank God somebody finally stepped up to the plate to make a documentary exploring her fascinating and underexposed life. Here's trailer for the film Paris, Not France, which was directed by Tom Petty's daughter Adria Petty. Supposedly the film is to delve into the deeper side of Paris Hilton -- no pun intended. You know, the "real" Paris. The one behind the cameras and glitz. The one who acts like her sex tape wasn't a strategic and deliberate leak and who bemoans it like it didn't launch her entire vapid, pointless career. But this here, was hands down my favorite line from the trailer:

"People see me as, like, this Barbie with a perfect life ... Fantasy ... Whatever."

Why, heavens. I don't know what could have possibly given anyone that impression. Certainly not the fucking diamond-encrusted pink monstrosity she drives around in. But she's right. She really is nothing like Barbie. Sometimes Barbie had jobs, like doctor or veterinarian or McDonald's employee. She might get paid for it, but no matter how you toss it, showing up to places acting like a whore still doesn't count.

More of Paris at Cannes, showing up and acting like a whore:

Miley Cyrus, who was photographed in the Bahamas this weekend wearing a pink and black mismatched bikini, at some point went off on this bizarre twitter rant about her body issues. I don't know, I think she was drunk.

"i just jiggled my thighs and they shook on their own for 3 mississipis no more late night lucky charms," she posted.

"Talk all you want. i have my flaws. im a normal girl theres things about my body i would change but stop with calling me f*t in post. i dont...even like the word," She wrote. "those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words."

Cyrus continued: "oh and ps if your thighs don't jiggle go see a doctor. thanks. :)" [SIC] (Source)

I have no idea what she's talking about. Miley Cyrus isn't fat or jiggly whatsoever. She's got a perfectly lovely body, in fact. Sure, she's still got the face of a wombat and the personality of a hyena, but her figure? Nothin' wrong there!

If you've never seen a Girls Gone Wild video, here's a review. If you have seen one, you already know how awkward and uncomfortable and unsexy they really are. (Pajiba)

In Penelope Cruz's upcoming movie, Nine, she does ... Uh, this. (Yeeeah!)

Ashlee Simpson might be knocked up again with a little Baloo or Shere Khan. (The Blemish)

Janice Dickinson is drunk and ready to throws down. (Seriously? OMG!)

Big surprise, Paris Hilton's new boyfriend is already ready to kill her. (Celebitchy)

Britney's cousin Alli Sims wants back in her life. (CelebWarship)

Heidi and Spencer are going to have someone new to fight with on "The Hills." (BricksAndStones)

Holy shit. Abby Elliot, Chris Elliot's daughter and new "SNL" cast member does a spot-on Angelia Jolie. (Agent Bedhead)

WTF is Jennifer Hudson wearing on the "Today" show? (POTP)

What's Tara Reid doing in Cannes? Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Kim Kardashian is still wearing ridic sunglasses. (IDWYL)

Oh, by the way .. I have twitter. Lately I've been using it to harass Paris Hilton. Fun! You should follow me! (twitter)

Bikini Parade: (Noun) A public procession celebrating women wearing scantily clad swimwear.

Holly Madison helped the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority earn a Guinness World Record for staging the world's largest bikini parade and pool party yesterday, with nearly 300 ladies marching down the Vegas strip. Incidentally, the people at the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority also won a Guinness World Record for having the best job ever.

With all the flaunting of their perfect, happy family Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott do, you almost kind of forget that they were both married to other people when they met. Well now Dean McDermott's ex, Mary Jo Eustace, is writing a little book of her own, Divorce Sucks. And, spoiler alert! It portrays Tori Spelling in an unflattering light! In an exchange during a meeting between the two women:

"I told her I thought (her) behavior thus far had been the height of insensitivity and rudeness. I tried to explain that we were a real family, with a new baby and a substantial history, and there were serious consequences to all of this... The toughest moment was when my husband kept calling her to see how the meeting was going. She told him it was 'going great' and joked that we were quickly becoming 'soul mates.' I left the room on that one." (Source)

So basically, the meeting went something like, "Hey, not only am I stealing your husband and the father of your child, but I'm going to make jokes to your face about it!" I guess it wasn't so bad though, considering that harpies usually just tear the hearts out of their victims with their bare claws and wag them in front of the victim's face before they succumb to quick death. In that respect, Tori Spelling was actually being kind of merciful.

At the Star Trek premiere. God, what an unfortunate looking (update: woman harpy) she is:

Jonah Hills appears in the new issue of Harper's Bazaar alongside Elvis Presley's granddaughter, Riley Keoug, in a series of Spencer Pratt-Heidi Montag inspired photoshoots with captions like: "Shopping is my life. My life is shopping. If Kitson became a country, I would pack up my belongings, move there, and apply for citizenship." and "It’s like, I can’t go to a club with my lady and walk down a red carpet without the paparazzi snapping away. It’s a nightmare." Unfortunately, the subtle nuances of getting made fun of were lost on Spencer Pratt, who twittered:

jonah hill just spoofed me in the new harpers bazzar! I went to highschool with Jonah from 6th to 12th grade and now hes spoofing me ! love!

Not that it's Jonah's fault. When you're dealing with an egomaniacal idiot the size of Spencer Pratt, there's not very many ways of spoofing him that won't be totally lost on him, other than maybe walking up to him and shooting him point blank in the face with a shotgun. But then there's that whole fine line between "spoofing" and "first degree murder." Such a gray area.

On last night's season finale of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight both unsurprisingly appear to have kicked the bucket from respective brain surgery and getting hit by a bus, after throwing a piss party for the past two or more seasons about how much they wanted off the show. Oh, I mean: Spoiler alert! Whatever. Like if you're that big a fan of "Grey's Anatomy" you have anything better to do on a Thursday night anyway.

Izzie's state outrages her new husband, Dr. Alex Karev (Justin Chambers), who desperately tries to help Izzie retain her memory. "I'm sorry if this is hard for you," Izzie tells him, "but you are not the one with the short-term memory of a carrot."

After their heated argument, Izzie's memory appears to have returned. She and Alex embrace. "You're back!" Alex cries. But then Izzie loses consciousness in Alex's arms.

But in a surprising twist later in the show, George is revealed to be the unrecognizably bloodied, critically injured man who had pushed a woman out of the path of a bus, only to have been struck by it himself. (Source)

Great. Now Heigl is free to pursue a career of shitty romcoms until all that biting the hand that feeds her crap blows up in her stupid nicotine face and no one will work with her anymore. And T.R. Knight, likewise, is free to pursue a career of calling up Heigl on Tuesday nights with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in his lap asking her if she wants to come over and watch "Sex and the City" reruns on TBS. Congratulations to the two on their new paths in life!

Keigl filming the upcoming Five Killers with Ashton Kutcher:

Get ready for this. Are you sitting down? Do you have a cool compress to press against your forehead? OK, here it is. Somebody actually hired Lindsay Lohan to be in their movie. And not just any kind of shitty, straight-to-ABC Family movie, either. A real one. The film, an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side, also stars Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. In fact, pretty much everything about it sounds good except for the obvious fact of Lindsay Lohan starring in it.

Story centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before.

Shooting is set for October at an island off the coast of Massachusetts. (Source)

So the only question left to ponder now is: How is Lindsay Lohan going to fuck up and squander this opportunity? She's like the Wile E. Coyote of fucking up movies. It doesn't matter how many pairs of dynamite-laced rollerskates she gets sent from ACME, she's still going to smash into a wall with a hole painted on it and she'll probably be full of pills and booze when it happens.

With 40-year-old sister Ali taunting the paps. Would you really want this person in your movie?

Jesus. I kind of just teared up a bit watching a trailer for a movie with Mariah Carey and Monique in it. I must be getting my period or something. (Pajiba)

The latest GOOP informs you what kind of music you should play at your parties. (Lainey Goss)

Kim Kardashian endorses Pesi Max... In like, her kitchen? WTF? (The Blemish)

Some apocalyptic shit is going down on "Supernatural" tonight. (Seriously? OMG!)

George Clooney let the puke flow freely on his 48th birthday. (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton is predictably a shitty neighbor. (Celebslam)

Beth Ditto is wasted. It must take like, an entire tanker full of beer to get her drunk. (CelebSmack)

Holly Madison in a bikini. Snoresville. (usemycomputer)

Breaking!!! Marilyn Manson is still fucking creepy! (popbytes)

Posh Spice is like "if Elton John designed a militaristic Barbie doll for some kind of “support the troops” charity and then some Weird Science shit happened and it came to life." (Yeeeah!)

Here's Heidi Montag at the Maxim Hot 100 list party, because supposedly she's on it or something. This is one of those times where I want to say something snarky and mean, but when it comes down to it, Heidi Montag's job is to show up places like this and suck icing off her fingers. What's your job? I bet it's nothing near that glamorous.

Drew Barrymore must be riding the high of the critical success of her surprisingly accurate portrayal of Edie Beale in Grey Gardens, because she's obviously mad with power. How do I know this? Well, apparently she's got her sights set on doing the unthinkable: Making a sequel to E.T., 27 years after the fact.

According the National Enquirer, Barrymore and Spielberg have met to discuss the project, which will show E.T. returning to Earth to rejoin the now-adult Gertie.

A source tells the tabloid, "Steven and Drew are being very secretive about this baby. But they want to do this project and work together. Steven has an incredible story in mind for the sequel that will bring E.T. back to earth." (Source)

Fortunately we're talking about the National Enquirer reporting this and all, which of course isn't typically known for outstanding achievements in not-made-up journalism. Which is a relief, because I like the premise of a Drew Barrymore/E.T. buddy comedy about as much as I like the premise of taking a leisurely stroll through West Philly at night with $100 bills taped all over my entire body.

Wow. Here is Drew Barrymore at Coachella, and this is what she looks like without make-up. That she didn't poorly apply to herself anyway:

So, if you haven't heard, Nick Cannon and Eminem are fighting. I didn't cover it before, because, well, it's fucking retarded. First Eminem "dissed" Mariah Carey and her glorified purse-holder in one of his new songs and then Nick Cannon wrote like a 20,000-word response to it on his blog, which was subsequently removed -- but not gone forever, because as Joe Rogan on "NewsRadio" once famously said: "Taking something off the internet is like taking pee out of the swimming pool." Anyway, Eminem is apparently delighted that someone actually noticed him because now he's adding fuel to the fire:

In the song, Eminem raps: "Nick Cannon better back the f*** up. I'm not playing, I want her back, you punk. Nick Cannon, you pr**k, I wish you luck with that f***in' whore."

Nick fumed over the lyrics and has vowed Eminem's words will have "repercussions". But the warning has been ignored as Em took another shot at Mariah as he spoke on his satellite channel Shade 45.

He told listeners: "We're taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on." When asked what he'd say to Mariah if she called in, the MC replied: "I already did that." (Source)

I hate to break it to you, but Eminem didn't really pee on Mariah Carey. In fact, it's questionable, at best, if he even got to second base with her. But you know what? I really hope he did. Because then Mariah would still be denying hooking up with Eminem even though she ended up marrying some dude from Nickeloedeon. Eminem himself could write diss songs for another hundred years and not come up with a better insult than that.

Mariah and Purse Holder at their first anniversary: (And I said it wouldn't last!)

Here's Madonna at the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month grabbing a handful of Kanye West's bisexual girlfriend Amber Rose's voluptuous bottom. Because, oh my God, she's still so edgy like that, right? Kanye, on the other hand, looks less than amused. I can only imagine the all caps rant that's going on in his head in this very moment.

Ashley Olsen graces this month's VMan magazine seen here in a brown wig and bra. I know! Right? And she's not even the skanky one. Anyway, she wants you to know that she's very, very serious about being in the fashion industry.

"The way I look at it, I had a career as a child. I had a career in an industry in which the media kind of...they're obsessed with the young girl thing. But when I turned 18, I moved to New York, and I haven't really done anything to be a celebrity.

I've been transitioning from acting as a kid to doing something that I'm choosing for myself—to be a part of the fashion industry...the outside perception is very different because you do have celebrity brands, people like Jessica Simpson and Kimora Lee Simmons, and those are celebrity brands because they have their names on them." (Source)

Yeah. Just so you know she's not like those other fly-by-night celebrity designers. Being a celebrity has nothing to do with her being a fashion designer. Ashley Olsen is a trained fashion professional. I mean, she went to New York University, for what? Like a whole semester? I hear that's how most successful fashion designers hit it big. One semester of college and then, boom, instant success. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from her hard work and dedication.

Thanks for turning my passenger window into ten thousand shards of glass covering the entire interior of my car. That's going to be really fun to clean up. Also, thanks for stealing my car stereo that I got as a Christmas gift a couple years ago. No really, I didn't want it anyway. I hope you enjoy smoking the crack that you purchase in exchange for it.

In the meantime, thanks to your thoughtfulness, I will not be able to post about celebrities today due to the massive amount of shit I now have to deal with.

xoxo

Stacey

PS: I hope you die of brain herpes.

*Not actual car.

Love 'N Dancing is the whitest movie you'll ever see. (Pajiba)

Beyonce is turning into the black, female version of Elton John is terms of costume ridiculosity. (Yeeeah!)

Sarah Michelle Gellar is totally hiding a baby bump. (Seriously? OMG!)

No one wants to touch a Nick Hogan reality show. Thank GOD. (Celebitchy)

Aww, Maya Rudolph is having another baby with her husband Paul Thomas Anderson. (CelebWarship)

Here's a shocker, K-Fed is already broke. (BricksAndStones)

Vanessa Hudgens will get naked for the right role. Or, you know, a webcam in her bedroom. (The Blemish)

Christina Ricci eats it. (Agent Bedhead)

Rihanna's new single is called "Silly Boy." make your own joke here. (POTP)

Gross. Pam Anderson goes grocery shopping barefoot. (IDWYL)

In a taped interview outside the courthouse for one of her many, many divorce proceedings with Hulk Hogan, Linda Hogan compared herself to Catherine Zeta-Jones in respect to her relationship with 20-year-old Charlie Hill.  She says:

"What can I say? Catherine Zeta-Jones and, what's her husband, they're 30 years apart. I don't know. I didn't plan on it that way."

For the record, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas -- because, yes he has a name -- are only actually 25 years apart. Also, and this is very important, Michael Douglas doesn't actually look exactly like any grown children that Catherine Zeta-Jones knows about. But of course the biggest reason that Catherine Zeta-Jones is nothing like Linda Hogan is that most men would be willing to have sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones, whereas most men (excluding poor white trash from Clearwater, Florida anyway) would rather stick their wieners in the garbage disposal before getting them within 50 feet of Linda Hogan. I guess that last point is a little bit broad, though.

Looking completely out of place at Sundance in January:

Incognito: (Adverb) Of a person having one's true identity concealed.

In case you weren't aware, even Paris Hilton has a twitter page now. She uses it mostly to post photos of herself, naturally, because there just aren't enough pictures of Paris Hilton on the internet these days. At any rate, here's the latest round of photos of her in a brunette wig.

Me in Disguise Today. Blondes have fun! But Brunettes are hot too! :) xoxo
about 13 hours ago from TwitPic

I hate to break it to her, but it's going to take a lot more than a brown wig to disguise Paris Hilton. Even through the computer I can smell the whore stench. Maybe if she tried rolling around with a skunk or something? That might help cover it up. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Burn: Verb. Slang; to insult or disrespect someone.

In what was undoubtedly a glove slap to former boy toy, Alex Rodriquez of the New York Yankees, Madonna took her kids and current boy toy Jesus (pictured here wearing a Yankees hat) to a New York Mets game this weekend. Oooh. It's so on.

Madge took her kids, Lourdes, Rocco and David, to see the Mets play at Citi Field on Mother's Day, and just to rub salt in A-Rod's wounds, brought new flame Jesus Luz. The group sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats with Anderson Cooper, whom they'd partied with Saturday night at the Monkey Bar. (Source)

Nice try, but if she really wanted to get back at A-Rod, wouldn't she have taken Jesus to a Boston Red Sox game? I barely even know anything about baseball and even I know that. Or better yet, just project a reel of her and Jesus having sex on a wall outside of A-Rod's house. That Madonna sure is losing her touch in her old age.

Just for fun, more of Madonna in her ridiculous outfit and Jesus (not pictured together) at the Costume Gala last week:

Heidi Montag and Brooke Hogan both just leaked their new music videos on the internet; Brooke's "Falling" and Heidi's "Black-Out." If you like fug bleached-blondes with fake tits who can't sing cavorting around on beaches running their hands through their hair, well then ... Spoiler alert! These videos are for you!

As far as rating them, I don't really know where to begin. Brooke's video sounds like the same, boring-ass, overproduced to the point of concealing her voice crap she always puts out. Heidi on the other hand, still sounds like a cat with its tail caught in a box fan; but on the grand scale of shitty Heidi Montag videos, this one is somewhat better and catchier than the others. Of course, being "the best" Heidi Montag song is still like being the least stinkiest turd in the toilet. So to answer the question: If I had to pick one of these videos to be stuck with on a desert island, I'd probably still just choose the poison berries and be done with it.

More of Brooke celebrating her forty-first twenty-first birthday in Atlantic City last weekend:

Avril Lavigne is headed towards imminent divorce/obscurity. (Lainey Goss)

Disney is going back to traditional 2D animation like in the olden days. (Pajiba)

Here's Jessica Simpson's second most unflattering concert photos ever. (Celebslam)

Amy Winehouse got booed offstage halfway though her "comeback" gig. (The Blemish)

The British version of Paris Hilton, Jordan, is splitting from her husband. (Seriously? OMG!)

Tom Cruise somehow makes Katie Holmes feel "inadequate," even though she still towers above him. (Celebitchy)

Check out the Britney Spears drag queen. (omg blog)

Ha ha ha! Nick Cannon and Eminem are fighting! (CelebSmack)

Holy hotness, it's Amy Smart! (usemycomputer)

IBBB got the chance to attend Brooke Hogan's birthday party in Atlantic City and she acted like a spoiled, worthless slag the whole time. (IBBB)

"Flavor of Love's" Hoopz has a sex tape. Finally, she's hit the big time! (Yeeeah!)

Here's the Top Ten fashion DO NOTS. (College Candy)

Jaime Lee Curtis made a fashion statement channeling Britney Spears at the "Noche de Ninos" gala in Beverly Hills this weekend. And by "made a fashion statement" I of course, mean "made strong indications that she's lost her damn mind." Unless of course she has cancer or something, in which case I'm going to feel like the biggest jerk ever. You know all that yogurt just can't be good for a person.

Editor's note: Is it just me or does Jaime Lee Curtis have kind of a fantastic rack for her age? Discuss.

Editor's note #2: I am a jerk.

OK, nevermind what I just said about the most embarrassing white people to ever happen to rap music. Apparently that crown still goes to Justin Timberlake, compliments of this 20-year-old unearthed tape of him rapping to the M.C. Skat Kat part of "Opposites Attract" with another little girl for a local TV station in Memphis, Tenessee. It just goes to show, a Skat Kat can't change his soulpatch or wife-beater shirt. You can make all the hilarious "Saturday Night Live" spoof videos you want ... But when it comes down to it, deep down you're still the sad little nerdlinger who rapped to an animated cat on public access in the 80's.

Horrifying: (Adjective) Filled with horror and shock.

Three words: Spencer. Pratt. Rapping. If you thought Heidi Montag's "music" was bad, wait 'til you hear the wonder known as "The Great White." Because, oh yeah, he has a stage name too. The song called "I'm a Celebrity," which premiered on Ryan Seacrest's show this morning, (listen to it here) is inspired by NBC's upcoming "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" although I doubt very much it is officially affiliated with the show in any way, shape or form. Basically, he "raps" mostly about twittering, swag, and how generally awesome his life is. You know, traditional rapping issues. On a completely unrelated note, congratulations to Bud Bundy and David Silver. You are now no longer the most embarrassing white people ever to happen to rap music.

More of the Great White Turd exploiting his grandmother for a Mother's Day photo op:

62-year-old Cher performed at the David Foster and Friends concert in Las Vegas this weekend wearing a recreation of her iconic 1992 look for "If You Could Turn Back Time." Thanks to the modern marvels of plastic surgery, she looks virtually no different than she did when she first wore the outfit 17 years ago. In fact, if they hadn't put her belly-button back on in the wrong place, I don't think I would even been able to tell the difference at all.

Drew Barrymore, who has vehemently denied that she's back together with her ex-boyfriend Justin Long, was seen out to lunch with Justin Long this weekend. Yup, just a totally normal lunch between friends ... Even though one of the friends just happened to have a massive hickey on his neck. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this, though. Like maybe he tripped and fell on the suction hose attachment of a vacuum cleaner. Hey, my mom totally believed that excuse when I was sixteen. Then again, my mom was also always drunk.

Heidi Klum and Seal, who are expecting a baby girl, renewed their vows on their fourth anniversary in Malibu yesterday with a "white trash" themed wedding. The bride wore cornrows and a bejeweled jumpsuit, the groom wore a mullet and the whole thing was presided over by an Elvis impersonator.

Dressed in a short skirt, high heels and crop top, Heidi rubbed her swollen stomach as Seal stood by.

The couple first married in 2005, but have renewed their vows every year since the service. 'We love it. It's great saying your vows again,' said Seal.

'You remember who it was you fell in love with. It's also a good excuse to have a big party, and we have a different theme every year.' (Source)

I don't know if they've got any ideas for next year but it's gonna be hard to top a white trash ceremony. I wonder if they've done a Pimps 'N Hoes theme yet? Or maybe they can just renew their vows during a beer pong championship over kegstands. Oh, and if they need it, I've got an awesome recipe for jungle juice. (Pssst: The secret is that you make it in a trashcan.)

Dina Lohan is (as always) responding to the collective raised eyebrows across the internet as her 15-year-old daughter Ali has been seen cavorting with Lindsay Lohan in nightclubs and on beaches instead of, you know, going to school. Like most 15-year-olds do.

She tells the New York Daily News, "She (Ali) is home-schooled. I'm a firm believer in staying in school but, in the business, it's gotten difficult for Ali to be in school."

Dina explains education is now a "little tougher for Ali", who began to learn at home after leaving her school in Long Island, New York earlier this year. (Source)

Oh, I'm sorry, what "business" is Ali Lohan in again? She got four IMDB credits to her name, and two of them are "uncredited" and one is "rumored." When I was her age I worked more than that at a part-time job at a pharmacy near my house. Yet somehow I even managed to find the time to juggle school and a minor marijuana habit on top of everything. Now, that's what I like to call a "work ethic."

Here's the coolest spaceships on TV and in movies. (Pajiba)

Hayden Panettiere and Bristol Palin have an abstinence-off. (CelebWarship)

Last night Paula Abdul "performed" on "American Idol." (Yeeeah!)

Jon Gosslin's "other woman" has a sex tape. Of course she does. (The Blemish)

Yay! New "Supernatural" preview! (Seriously? OMG!)

There's gay skeletons in Miss California's closet. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay and Sam totally did it last night. (BricksAndStones)

Some crazy Lady Gaga fan is campaigning to get her to play at his birthday party. (Agent Bedhead)

Cassie wants you to stop acting like you haven't seen a titty before. (POTP)

Lydia Hearst gets topless for GQ. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Pam Anderson is where erections go to die. (IDWYL)

Kim Kardashian was at a launch party for Hennessy Black in TriBeCa earlier this week when she was told she couldn't board an elevator because her enormous girth "exceeded the weight limit." Hee!

Making her way up to the party with a group of pals, the amply upholstered reality star got into a crowded elevator, only to be sheepishly told by an attendant that the lift couldn't lift because the group exceeded the cab's weight capacity. "Everyone started laughing," says a spy. "Finally, someone in Kim's group stepped off." (Source)

The only thing that could have made this funnier is if in that exact moment her dress split down the side, some kind of "wah-wah you lose" sound effect was piped in from above and the entire incident had been caught on camera and broadcast to a live studio audience. If only life could be more like episodes like "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Legal documents in the lawsuit against Paris Hilton by the makers of her 2006 film Pledge This! which bombed, alleging that she failed to promote the movie, reveal Paris to be dumb and irresponsible. Shocking, I know.

Asked by lawyers about her calls from the producers, she testified: 'With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time. I probably get a new cellphone, like, every two weeks.'

Shown her mobile phone bill, she responded: 'I've never seen a phone bill of mine in my life.'

The lawyer in the Miami case then asked Hilton if she had a diary for business meetings, and she said she uses the internet to see where she has been.

'I just press my name and Google it and see,' she added.

When asked about her responsibilities as an executive producer on Pledge This! Paris replied, 'I'm not sure what a producer does, but... I don't know, help get cool people in the cast.' (Source)

You know, in a way it's almost kind of brilliant. The only way better to win an argument than by being really intelligent is by being super balls-out fucking dumb. Literally, no one can win an argument with you that way. They'd have a better chance getting information out of a ten-year-old who was playing the repeating back everything you say game.

Whoring around L.A. like usual with Doug Rein-hole:

One-Trick Pony: (Noun) A person or thing with only one special talent, or area of expertise.

Oh wow, what a surprise. Lindsay Lohan. Doing Marilyn Monroe. Again. This time for Spanish Vogue. I guess she likens herself to the fallen star since they're both troubled, substance-abusing actresses with a poor work ethic and questionable talent known more for their scandalous personal lives rather than professional resume. But then again, Marilyn Monroe made like fifty films lived to be thirty-six. At the rate she's going, Lindsay's life expectancy isn't going to be near that high. She's probably be better off relating herself to the dog from the Air Bud movies at this point.

To aid California's dire financial crisis, Governor Schwarzenegger is open to the idea of legalizing marijuana. Because you know he's a totally impartial guy when it comes to the subject. Tooootally man.

Schwarzenegger says, "I think all those ideas of creating extra revenues, I'm always for an open debate on it. I think we ought to study very carefully what other countries are doing that have legalized marijuana and other drugs; what effect did it have on those countries?" (Source)

Legalizing marijuana would be a great source of revenue, not just for California but for the entire country. Of course, a better source of revenue would be to breed a strain of trees which actually grow U.S. currency in place of dollar bills. But since science is still several years away from developing the "money tree," maybe the government should just take its head out of its ass and make pot legal already.

The biggest hipster douchebags in Hollywood. (Pajiba)

Brooke Hogan turned 21! Yes, twenty-one. You read it right the first time. (The Blemish)

Posh Beckham unveils her sexy new Armani underwear ad. (Lainey Goss)

Lindsay Lohan is addicted to Adderall. Deja Vu? (Yeeeah!)

Here's a 16-year-old Ryan Reynolds on "The Odyssey." (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna's fug outfit to the Costume Gala the other night cost almost $9 grand. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan was photographed passed out in a car last night. What is this, 2007 again? (Celebslam)

The Disney teen stars are still banging each other. (AllieIsWired)

Rihanna's earrings don't look very safe. (CelebSmack)

More photos of Lindsay surfing last week. (usemycomputer)

Angelina Jolie's secrets and lies. (popbytes)

Here's David Spade and a bottle of Bud Light at a Cinco de Mayo party yesterday, reminding us as to how the years haven't been kind to him. Even his expression alone here reeks of "Why didn't God take me?"

Katy Perry's got a new single out called "Waking Up in Vegas," and in an interview with PopEater she says how she got inspiration for the song from a time when she and a boyfriend got fake married in Vegas. Yes, "fake" married. As if there is any other way.

What inspired it [was] this boy I was dating at the time. I was 21. We went to Vegas on a whim and we decided to get fake married. We took all the pictures with the minister, with the fake cake, in the fake chapel and got a fake marriage certificate. We went and bought a wedding dress and a suit at a thrift store, and scanned the pictures and the certificate to my family members, my manager at the time [and] totally freaked the s--- out of them. (Source)

This is not surprising. Does Katy Perry have any songs which haven't drawn inspiration from fake things that didn't happen to her? All I know is that the day I hear a song on the radio about Katy Perry falling into the Amazon River and being eaten alive by piranhas, I sure as hell ain't getting my hopes up.

More of Fakey Faker filming the video for "Waking Up in Vegas" with The Hottie and the Nottie star slash accomplished loser magnet Joel David Moore:

Here's pictures of Kelly Ripa in a bikini, for the second time this week. I can't even believe what I'm seeing here. It's like a cross between The Hulk and a Cabbage Patch Kid. At this point I can only assume that she's bench pressing Reej during commercial breaks to entertain the studio audience. Speaking of which, she better be careful with that, by the way ... I hear those old man parts of his will bruise just like an overripe pear.

What? Kiefer Sutherland totally head-butted a guy the other night. At an after party for the Met Costume Gala, he was having a conversation with Brooke Shields when Jack McCollough, the co-founder of Proenza Schouler, interrupted. Words were exchanged and heads were motherfucking butted.

According to one eyewitness account, "Sutherland was really drunk and he got accidentally bumped by McCollough. They started arguing and then he just head-butted him."

A spy who had spotted Sutherland earlier in the evening at the Gramercy Park Hotel's Rose Bar tells Page Six, "He was running around wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally crazy. He was dancing feverishly and twirling people around all over the place. He seemed to be quite intoxicated." (Source)

That would have sounded a lot more badass Jack Bauer-style if it weren't for the twirling in a feather boa parts. And also the guy he attacked being an unarmed fashion designer. I guess that's why Jack Bauer usually goes after terrorists and does it wearing normal spy-assassin clothes.

Brooke Sheilds dressed as Ronald McDonald for the Costume Gala:

Last week Kirstie Alley went on Oprah to talk about upcoming projects gaining 83 pounds, and this week she's on the cover of People magazine talking about upcoming projects gaining 83 pounds. Oh, have you heard Kirstie Alley gained 83 pounds? Yeah, apparently she ate a shitload of butter.

It wasn’t the exact same M.O. My food demons are Chinese food, sugar, butter. A lot of butter. If I’m at the movies, usually I eat popcorn without butter, but I’d say, "I’m at the movies, so who cares?" And toast with butter. Or let’s say I had two cups of pasta and six tablespoons of butter on it. There was a lot of butter going on. (Source)

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I think if you love butter that much, you should just be with butter. After all, no one chooses to love butter, some people are just born loving butter. And if she gets back in that butter closet, she's only going to be lying to herself. Someday when the first butter marriage laws are passed, I bet she's going to look back on this day and have a good laugh.

What are the worst final lines in otherwise good movies? (Pajiba)

It looks like a bored 5-year-old with a pair of child-safety scissors got at Kelly Osbourne. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lady Gaga has single-handedly invented party hats for your boobs. (Yeeeah!)

Victoria Principal of "Dallas" pulled a gun on her maid. At least she had a good reason, though. (The Blemish)

Paula Abdul has finally admitted to taking drugs. (Celebitchy)

That fucking retard Mischa Barton is getting into the "headband biz." (CelebWarship)

Apparently Jesus wasn't too embarrassed of Madonna to get a couple photos of him snapped with her in that get-up. (BricksAndStones)

Agent Bedhead drunkenly texts Twilight. No, she didn't really... But wouldn't it have been great if she did? (Agent Bedhead)

The Hef confirms Mrs. Frack's Playboy gig. (POTP)

Awww, Dom Deluise kicked it last night. He will be missed. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian wants to kidnap you and take you to the top of the nearest tall building. (IDWYL)

From Plooney to the Apatow orgy: The best bromances around. (College Candy)

Another day, another photo of Lindsay Lohan inexplicably chewing on her finger. She's really starting to creep me out with this now. It's like Miley Cyrus with her stupid peace sign, only I don't feel like I need to take a shower after Miley flashes the peace sign at me. Just, you know, the usual feeling like I need to punch Miley Cyrus in the face.

More of Lindsay being extra creepy with her 15-year-old sister at Teen.com's launch party:

Traitor: (Noun) A person who betrays a friend, country, principle, etc.

Courteney Cox was apparently at a concert Sunday night when she ran into her BFF's ex-husband, Brad Pitt. And for some reason she actually had the gall not to completely ignore him. The nerve of that bitch.

Cox was at the Wiltern Theater in LA with husband David Arquette for the final stop on rocker Chris Cornell's Scream album tour when Pitt showed up. Our backstage spy told us, "Instead of ignoring him, Courteney chatted away with Brad all night. The three were in great spirits and seemed really happy to see each other." (Source)

Before everyone goes jumping to conclusions, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe she was helping Jennifer Aniston? It's called "recon," dumbasses. Let's see, did she suspiciously, say, aim her purse at his face the whole time or mayhap lean a pin on her lapel in his direction every time he spoke? They say the best gift a friend can give a friend is a little ex-husband undercover work. I'm pretty sure I learned that by watching "Friends."

At Saks Fifth Avenue's Unforgettable Evening back in February:

Miss California Carrie Prejean, whom, if you'll recall is down on gay marriage but cool with fake titters, apparently has nude photos out there floating around. And naturally, since Perez Hilton has made it his personal goal in life to destroy Carrie Prejean, he's heading up the effort to get these photos leaked ASAP. But Prejean ain't going down without a fight. Her response to the allegations:

"On April 19, I chose to answer a question during the 2009 Miss USA pageant in an honest and personal manner that expressed my views of the long-established definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman," Prejean, 21, said in a statement Tuesday. "Yet my comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street."

"I am a Christian, and I am a model," she said. "Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos." (Source)

In summary, Miss California hates Perez Hilton because he's gay and Perez Hilton hates Miss California because she's Christian. Ugh, will these two just knock it off already? They're starting to give me a headache. One thing's for sure though, I think Perez Hilton has seen the last of his Miss USA Pageant judging days. I think the council would go with Dr. Stephen Hawking or a registered sex offender before asking him again.

The Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art was held last night, which is pretty much just a giant dress-up party for celebrities. You know, aside from all those other dress-up parties for celebrities where people get handed out awards and stuff. Anyway, here's Madonna, who apparently forgot that it's not 1986 anymore. And also that she doesn't have Down's Syndrome. I mean really. What is that in her hair? Did she pick that out of the garbage on her way to the gala? Just ... No.

More ridiculosity after the jump!

In celebration of Swine Flu being "super trendy" Katy Perry bought this flying pig ring and then she blogged about it. Sure, people have died from it and all, but that was mostly in Mexico. And people die from having like, a sore throat in Mexico.

since swine flu is super trendy I wanted to make sure I was in style with my swine flu ring! I got this one in Miami at Big Drop the other day… a flying piggy. Perfect. Kitty Purry was telling me the other night that she remembers when bird flu was in and now pig flu is cool and she wonders when kitty flu is gonna hit, as she would like to be more popular than she currently already is… fame whore. [SIC] (Source)

Katy Perry is being modest. Forget "Kitty Flu" -- when is Super Annoying Asshole Flu going to break out? We all know who really deserves her big moment in the spotlight.

Plague Face at the Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art last night:

Here's the trailer for Best Worst Movie, a documentary about Troll 2. (Pajiba)

Damns! Kelly Ripa has taken up phone book tearing as a hobby. (Celebslam)

Lindsay also fell down this weekend, and braced herself for a penis to fall in her mouth. (Yeeeah!)

For the record, Pink is still not bisexual. (The Blemish)

Even the person who interviewed Jessica Simpson for Vanity Fair makes fun of her. (LaineyGoss)

Carnie Wilson got F-A-T. Oh, and, you know, she's a month from giving birth. (Seriously? OMG!)

Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized, this time for "dehydration." (Celebitchy)

Who wants to see Brad Pitt's dick?! Of course you do. NSFW, obvs. (omg blog)

The cover art for the Black-Eyed Peas new album is underwhelming. (CelebSmack)

Lindsay Lohan posed for some photos in a hotel in Montreal at some point over the weekend, and I have no idea what's going on here. She looks like she should be on one of those commercials I see when I'm watching "Cheaters" at 3 a.m. Also, the whole chewing of the finger thing? Not sexy. Although at this point I don't know if she's still doing it to try to be alluring or if she's just that damn hungry.

There comes a time in every rocker's career, when they have to decide whether or not the sleeveless shirt look is still for them. That time in Bon Jovi's career was probably about twenty years ago, because even back then I bet his pits looked like the pits of my old feminist college roommate.

Scarlett Johansson was supposed to make her directorial debut in New York, I Love You, a film of intertwined vignettes about love, but the scene she shot isn't going to make it into the film. Apparently it had something to do with it being absolutely terrible.

And an insider said her episode, shot in black and white and starring Kevin Bacon, was ‘unwatchable.’ “It was really bad, so it was cut,” said a source.

“The story did not specifically involve an interpersonal relationship, and it was conceptualised to be filmed in black and white,” he explained. “Both of which were extreme departures from the other films.” (Source)

I guess now Scarlett can now add "failed director" to her resume along with "failed musician." When is this chick going to learn that she sucks at literally everything besides being a mediocre actress? And like I always say, once you've found something that you're really, truly mediocre at, you should focus all your energies on being as mediocre as you can at that one thing. See? I could have totally been a motivational speaker. If only I wasn't already so darn mediocre at gossip blogging.

At Moet & Chandon: A Tribute To Cinema:

During a stop on her "Circus" tour in Connecticut on Saturday night, a fan, 20-year-old Kyle King, jumped onstage and rushed a confused and terrified Britney Spears (2:15 mark) before getting hauled away by security. And yet, even though she was standing before thousands of fans, no one heard her cries for help.

A clearly shaken Spears screamed and frantically waved her arms as King approached her onstage at Connecticut's Mohegan Sun Arena.

Shockingly - or not - the notorious lip-syncher's mic didn't pick up her cries for help as King was grabbed by a back-up dancer and escorted offstage. (Source)

I guess Britney's tour managers could only take so many My Pussy's Hanging Outs or Merry Christmases before her mic rights were revoked for good. That's why having a microphone is a privilege, not a right. Or so I've been told anyway, after having forcibly taken my leave of more than a few bars on karaoke night.

Tone-Deaf: (Adjective) Of a person unable to perceive differences of musical pitch accurately.

Denise Richards butchered her way through "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch to a confused and bewildered crowd during a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday. Seriously, they could have gotten William Hung to sing it and wound up with a more moving performance. I'm pretty sure there were parts of the song I couldn't even hear, only because my dog glared at me and got up and left the room. If I find a neat little pile of "revenge poo" later, I'll know who to send it care of, anyway.

David Hasselhoff almost drank himself to death again this weekend, and this time it was his 16-year-old daughter Hayley who found him unconscious. Nice.

This time the vodka-guzzling “America’s Got Talent” judge registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is 08. A source said a frightened Hayley kept “slapping her dad’s face” to keep him alive. “He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital.

A source also tells RadarOnline.com exclusively that Hoff has been hospitalized at least 10 times over the last few years - many unreported. (Source)

You know, one of these days David Hasselhoff is going to drink himself into oblivion and one of his teenage daughters isn't going to be there to save the day or make a video mercilessly ridiculing him for it. But of course, that's what God invented TMZ for. Somebody needs to carry the torch.

With older daughter Taylor, of the hamburger incident, at the Brit Awards in February:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is finally out, and it predictably is terrible. (Pajiba)

Daaaaamn! Mariah Carey has been at the peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. (Yeeeah!)

Any parent who outfits their child in Paris Hilton should be thrown in jail. (The Blemish)

The new "Idol" judge has got one asscheek out the door. (Seriously? OMG!)

Good news, Lisa Rinna survived Swine Flu. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay finally found a father figure, but she's probably having sex with him. (Celebslam)

Eminem is stripping down for his next video. (AllieIsWired)

A-Rod's teammates used to call him "bitch tits." (CelebSmack)

Even more Lindsay Lohan bikini pics. (usemycomputer)

Katie Holmes is looking more Stepford/robo/zombi Katie than usual. (Lainey Goss)

Tyra Banks stars in ... Her own stalker trial! (IBBB)

No Doubt performed on the "Today" show this morning for the first time in ... I don't know. A really long time. It's like the 90's never ended! I have to give Gwen Stefani credit for basically keeping the same red lipstick-bleached hair look going after all these years. However she manages to continually keep it looking so snowy white without it, you know, falling the fuck out is one of science's greatest mysteries. Right behind Tori Spelling's breasts and why there's skin on pudding, anyway.

Lindsay Lohan showed up at the launch party for her Sephora tanning mist line, the retardically named "Sevin Nyne," looking like she just took a faceplant into a vat of the stuff. Don't everybody all run out and buy it at once! I want there to still be some left by the time I get to the Sephora. I've got a bookshelf that needs to be finished and they went and discontinued the shade of furniture stain I used. Yep ... This looks about right.

Nicole Kidman's silence on the whole "arriage-may" clause must be up because she's finally talking about what went wrong with Tom Cruise. Turns out it wasn't just about him hogging the bathroom.

'I felt I became a star only by association,' she complained to Easy Living magazine. 'We would go to the Oscars and I would think, "I'm here to support him." I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and be seen and not heard.' (Source)

That's funny, because now that he's married to Katie Holmes, that's totally not the impression I get from their marriage whatsoever. I mean, not at all in the least. Oh, and on an entirely unrelated note, it's Opposite Day today! I like to eat dirt and wear hats on may feets! Woo!

The happy family in Japan back in March:

It's just now come out that Miss California Carrie Prejean, the new face of homophobia, got breast implants just weeks before the Miss USA pageant. Because the sanctity of marriage is so important but apparently not the sanctity of having real titties.

In an interview on "The Early Show," Keith Lewis, the co-Director of the Miss California Pageant, admitted to helping Prejean get the boob job.

"We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done," Lewis told "Early Show" co-anchor Maggie Rodriguez.

"We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage." (Source)

Well that worked like a charm now, didn't it? The only way she could have presented herself in less of a "best possible light" is if she would have come out for the interview portion of the competition wearing a nazi uniform. And then you wouldn't have even been able to see the implants, so that would have been pointless anyway.

More of the reason why you can't put lipstick on a pig at something called the Dove Awards last week: