Here are ten of the freakiest Halloween movies which will make you scream like a little girl and sleep with the lights on. (Agent Bedhead)

What in the fuck is wrong with Beyonce?! (Yeeeah!)

Kendra Wilkinson and the guy with the douchiest Joker costume ever. (The Blemish)

Ohshit! Fox canceled "King of the Hill." I don't know if you guys watch, but that is actually a really damn funny show. (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna and A-Rod use the Seinfeld mansion as their Bang Shack. (Celebitchy)

Kevin Smith just fucking served everyone making dick and fart joke romantic comedies. (Pajiba)

You go old lady! Suzanne Somers is still totally bangable at 62 years of age. (Celebslam)

Everyday can be Halloween if you're a freak! Here are ten celebrities so deformed that they don't need no stinkin' masks. (CelebSmack)

Christina Ricci is like a teeny tiny little elf. (usemycomputer)

The Alba bitch has her body back already. Damn her. (Lainey Goss)

Lazy: (Adjective) Showing a lack of effort or care.

True story. Last night I went over to my parents house to get my prom dress (still fits, bitches!) for a last-minute Halloween costume idea. It was up in the attic, so my mom went up to find it, and helpfully came down with not just the dress but several other "costume" ideas including a graduation cape -- sans mortarboard -- and goes, "You could be a graduation person! There's no hat, though." So I was like, "Awesome idea, mom!"

But I guess my mom isn't the only one with totally crappy Halloween costume ideas -- right, Lance Bass? At least he has the hat, though.

More of Lance and other assorted D-Listers at Kim Kardashian's Halloween party:

Cautionary Tale: (Noun) A story or scenario serving as a warning.

Jamie Lynn Spears can sleep easy. Sure, she may thrown her career in the toilet for a life of spit-up and Wal-mart; but on the bright side her story is serving as warning for other young stars not to do the same thing. Like Miley Cyrus, for instance, whose parents are throwing the Jamie Lynn card in her face now that she's dating a 20-year-old underwear model.

"I told her in no uncertain terms that her career would be over if something stupid were to happen," Billy Ray admitted to a friend. "I think I made an impression on her — at least, I hope so."

"Tish and Billy Ray told Miley, one bad decision and she could forget the showbiz glamour — she'd have to be home feeding the baby, changing diapers and living the life of a teen mom," reveals an insider. (Source)

Jesus, you know what these showbiz parents could do to really ensure their child stars don't get pregnant? Go buy your kid a freaking econo-sized box of condoms, you stupid redneck yokels. Or better yet, drag them by the ear down to the OB-GYN and get her some damn birth control pills, like my mom did when I was a teenager. Sometimes the best gift a parent can give is the gift of prophylactics. And just look at me! Baby-free since 1994!

You know, I kinda wish she would get knocked up, though. Go away, Miley:

Apt: (Adjective) Appropriate or suitable in the circumstances.

Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson are about to have their stupid baby and Pete Wentz talked about it. Zzzzzzz...

Wentz admits they haven't yet come up with a name for the baby. "I want to meet them first," he said. "My brother was almost a Duncan, and he's Andrew now. I think it might have ruined his life more if he was a Duncan." His goal? To make sure the baby's name would work as either "a rock star or a senator," he said. (Source)

Well, whatever they decide, they better make sure the name goes with being a "lonely emo freak who has no friends because his dad drops him off at school wearing makeup and his mom looks like Gargamel." I'm thinking Pete Jr.

Pregnant Gargamel fatting it up in Hollwood earlier this month:

Brilliant: (Adjective) Exceptionally clever or talented.

God, Mariah Carey sucks. Yesterday I reported that she went on the "Rachel Ray Show" and told Rachey Ray that she was going to dress as either "cookies" or "sexy fireman." Well, guess what? She did both! Just what kind of dumbshit is Mariah Carey? The whole point of Halloween is that you're not supposed to tell everyone what you're dressing up as. It's called the element of surprise, dummy. Otherwise this morning I would have been all, "Omigodomigodomigod!! Mariah Carey actually stapled cookies to herself!" And now I'm just like, "Oh, big wow. Mariah Carey actually stapled cookies to herself." So thanks a fucking lot for ruining what would otherwise be an exciting morning of making fun of you, Mariah Carey.

More of Mariah and Manservant Husband with their Technicolor Coats of Mental Retardation:

Heidi Klum has got buttloads of milk. (Popoholic)

Just in time to get your Halloween movie marathons started, a guide to John Carpenter films. (Pajiba)

I know that gossip and politics go together like peanut butter 'n shit, but if you're going to vote, vote for this guy. (Yeeeah!)

If you enjoy gay pornography, this ought to be right up your alley. (The Blemish)

Peep tonight's Halloween episode of "Supernatural!" (Seriously? OMG!)

Bill Pullman's son got arrested for having moonshine. Really? (Celebitchy)

I've never played Rock Band, but if I did I'd definitely want to rock out to Harvey Danger. (Best Week Ever)

Ali Lohan is the loser of everything. (Ayyyy!)

Take a trip into the future of cameltoes with Britney Spears. (cityrag)

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo, and it's not even a tramp stamp! (CelebWarship)

Carrie Underwood can call Jessica Simpson fat all she wants, but she's still dating this guy and not Tony Romo. (BricksAndStones)

Mischa Barton looks stoned out of her mind. What else is new. (HQ Celeb)

Child Predator: (Noun) Someone who preys on children to sexually assault or abuse.

Oh, puke. Still? Even though Linda Hogan has her real son back, apparently it isn't slowing down her relationship with her pseudo-son, the barely legal manskank she's been seeing for the past six months. What I want to know is, what could that guy possibly be getting out of this relationship? Other than free skateboards? And anyway, you can have all the free skateboards in the world, but when it comes down to it you're still just banging an old lady who would break her hip in nineteen places if she ever stepped foot on one. Just buy your own skateboard. Trust me, dude. They only cost like $30 at Modells.

Editor's note: nice goatee asshole! Good to know neither of your curtains match the drapes.

Premiere: (Verb) To give the first performance of.

Gwen Stefani dropped her 2-month-old son, the asininely named Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale on her website today. Whatever. Babies are so boring. Right? It's like, big wow: another chubby little baby that can't seem to keep its own mouth shut. Although, is it normal for babies to have a receding hairline? Yikes. I know it didn't get that from Gavin's side of the family. That man has a mane of hair like a lion.

Grotesque: (Adjective) Comically or repulsively ugly or distorted.

Katie Holmes apparently decided to celebrate Halloween early this year, and as you can see, she's dressed up as a vampiric cult victim who just had her soul freshly sucked out of her body. That's awesome. I'm totally going as that next year.

Important: (Adjective) Of great significance or value; likely to have a profound effect on success, survival, or well-being.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen debuted their fashion book, Influence, earlier this week, and because PETA has nothing better to do they showed up at Borders to protest the book signing. OK, whatever.

Ashley Byrne, PETA campaign coordinator, said: “They can hustle in the back of a book signing and they can avoid these PETA protesters, a lot of who grew up being fans. “But they really can't avoid the fact that when they make these ugly decisions, it shows and it turns off their fans.”

Dan Shannon, PETA's assistant director of youth campaigns, added: “From their ghoulish garb to their skeletal frames, every day is Halloween if you're an Olsen twin.” (Source)

You know, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have more money than God, if they even cared about these stupid theatrics at all whatsoever they would just pay PETA to leave them alone. What, you think PETA can't be bought off? One time I paid a PETA member ten bucks to eat a Whopper, just for my own amusement. She even threw in an order of chicken fries for free. True story.

Nonsensical: (Adjective) Of something that has no meaning or make no sense.

Mariah Carey is appearing on the Rachel Ray Show today, and because she is mentally like twelve and retarded, discussed possible Halloween costume ideas for herself and Manservant Husband.

"One is a sexy firefighter. He can be a regular firefighter guy," she says. "Then we have an Egyptian."

Their third idea? "It takes a little imagination here," Carey tells Ray. "I would be chocolate chip cookies. "It's just like a two-piece little number, and it's made out of the chocolate chip cookie fabric," she says. "Then you have actual cookies sewn on." And is Cannon a glass of milk then, Ray asks. "He made this up and he was only kidding, but I liked it," says Carey, adding, "he would be a milk carton with a missing sign over his head." (Source)

So either they're going to dress up as gay porn stars or she's going to staple cookies to her privates. Better hope Heidi and Spencer don't catch wind of this. Heidi Montag's privates were made to have cookies staples to them.

More of Mariah and Manservant Husband at the lunch of Le Metier De Beaute Luxury Cosmetic Line. Do you like how she keeps her hand like that? It's so he won't run away.

Britney does still not have the mental capacity to handle her own affairs. (Yeeeah!)

But she's not gonna let that ruin a fun afternoon of jazzercise. (IDLYITW)

Jennifer Love Hewitt could literally look at a piece of pizza and the pregnancy rumors would start flying. (The Blemish)

Katherine Heigl is ugly in the face part of her head. (Seriously? OMG!)

Fuck this "902190" noise. "Melrose Place" is where it was at! (Celebitchy)

How well do you know your romantic comedies on a scale of "gay" to "really gay." (Pajiba)

Here is Jerry Hall in a bikini, and why you would totally still bang her if you had the chance. (Celebslam)

God. Shut up, Katy Perry. You suck times a million. (Agent Bedhead)

The only people who showed up to MK and Ashley Olsen's book signing were transients and cripples. (CelebSmack)

I think this is the one chick from "90210?" It looks like she's been doing a bunch of barfing to keep up with co-stars. (usemycomputer)

Beyonce launched her line of dresses which I'm guessing will be entirelly mermaid-style at Bloomingdales yesterday. (Lainey Goss)

Marsha from "The Brady Bunch" really wants you to know she used to do coke. (omg blog)

Boomerang: (Verb) Of a plan or action to return to the originator, often with negative consequences.

Star Magazine is reporting that things may be heating up between Brad Pitt and co-star Diane Kruger on the set of Inglorious Basterds. Which is just plain silly, of course. I mean, Brad Pitt would never date a co-star! Especially not when he's committed to somebody else! Right? Yeah, Angelina is pretty much peeing her pants.

Angelina's instincts first kicked into high gear in September when Brad and divorcée Diane both attended an intimate cast dinner without her in Berlin. "They went through several bottles of wine," Mimmo Bianco, manager of Italian restaurant Al Contadino Sotto le Stelle tells Star. "It was obvious he was having a great time."

Diane made sure Brad knew just how excited she was during their night out, says a source. "She kept putting her arm around Brad's neck to whisper something in his ear because it was so loud. He was clearly charmed by her, and Diane definitely looks smitten. She's thrilled to be around him again." (Source)

Well, you know Jennifer Aniston is doing a victory dance around the old cauldron right now. And why shouldn't she? Diane Kruger is a single woman, right? I mean, last I heard she was dating that "Dawson's Creek" guy, but I'm pretty sure he's been dead for like awhile now.

Original: (Adjective) not dependent on other people's ideas; inventive and unusual.

The fried egg. It's the premier choice in Halloween costume for the discerning annoying poser-ish chick singer. Your move, Avril.

Solution: (Noun) A means of solving a problem or dealing with a difficult situation.

I don't make fun of Tara Reid around here nearly as much as I could, mostly because it's not especially challenging or rewarding. Kind of like shooting retarded babies in a barrel. So when Tara Reid comes out and says that she's not perfect and people should get over it and leave her alone, I don't feel entirely responsible...

After unflattering bikini shots of her surfaced last week, Reid faced a barrage of Internet attacks aimed at her post-surgery figure. "I've been a media target for years now," the actress, 33, tells PEOPLE. "It does hurt my feelings, but what can I do? I have to move on."

Yet moving on has been difficult, especially because Reid has to live with the evidence of the past - the scars on her stomach from a 2004 liposuction surgery and subsequent reconstructive surgery in 2006. "They are my battle wounds," she says of her "uneven" abs. (Source)

What can she do? She honestly has no idea what her recourse here is? They're called clothes! Yes, clothes! It's what normal people wear in the 99% of the time that they're not wearing string bikinis. Because guess what? Nobody would even notice her horribly disfigured body if it weren't prominently on display all the time. Even in the header image, she's dressed up for some event wearing a dress in which her boob job scar is visible. God. I'm just surprised she hasn't died from forgetting to breathe or something yet.

Tara wearing her everyday uniform:

Blockbuster: (Noun) A movie, book, or other product that is a great commercial success.

I would have never believed it if I didn't hear it myself, but Jessica Simpson's long-awaited film, Major Movie Star, is a bona fide number one hit; debuting at the top of the box office. Did I mention it was in Russia? Yeah, it was in Russia.

Next up for a movie described by one of its participants as “maybe one of the worst films ever made”: a November premiere in Bulgaria.

So far there’s no U.S. release date set. Nor is there one for any other country in which English is the primary language. (Source)

I guess you can't fault a country who used to stand in line for toilet paper for being especially grateful. Kind of like the ugly girl who gives good head. So what's next from here? Estonia? Latvia? Slovenia? At this rate, American Girl With Big Breasts Who Falls Down and Snorts A Lot is going to sweep Eastern Europe, one former communist nation after another!

Major Movie Star at the Macy's 150th Birthday Celebration yesterday:

Here's a foolproof guide to writing a feature story for Entertainment Weekly. (Pajiba)

"Halle Berry was photographed in Vancouver on Sunday with a hairdo that finally answers the age-old question, “What would you get if you crossed Rick James with Justin Guarini and then put tits on it?" (Yeeeah!)

Ali and Dina Lohan are ostensibly dressed as skanks for Halloween. (The Blemish)

Julia Roberts is afraid people will think she's an old hooker. (Seriously? OMG!)

A sitcom with Britney, Lindsay and Paris? That definitely sounds too good to be true. (Celebitchy)

Is this true? Are men really attracted to women who wear red? Guys? (Best Week Ever)

Mena Goddamn Suvari. What in the fudge are you wearing? (Ayyyy!)

The Olsen Twins are such ungrateful bitches. (cityrag)

Michael Lohan is finally sorry, no doubt thanks to a restraining order and a team of lawyers. (CelebWarship)

Nicole Richie takes her Baby Fathead to a pumpkin patch. (BricksAndStones)

Britney Spears is hosting SNL for the third time. (POTP)

I am SO Team Selena Gomez. She is a total cutie pie. (usemycomputer)

Jessica Biel is looking flawless again. (Popoholic)

There is no way Zac Efron isn't all about the dick. None whatsoever. (IDWYL)

You know what the problem is with movies today? Not enough armpit licking. (FilmExperience)

Bragging Rights: (Noun) The supposed right to brag about an accomplishment.

Angelina Jolie made a surprise appearance to the Hollywood Film Festival last night to present Clint Eastwood with Director of the Year Award, but somehow, as such tends to happen, the topic eventually steered to Angelina herself.

"Working with someone like Angelina Jolie is a great privilege, because I get to look at that gorgeous beauty every day," he said. "But she's also a great talent." (Source)

Oh, gee willikers Mr. Eastwood! Angelina Jolie is beautiful? You don't say! Just once I would like for someone who's worked with Angelina Jolie to make a crack about her curry farts or how she totally thought that I Haz A Bucket was the most hilarious thing ever. I mean, obviously those are actually facts about myself and not Angelina Jolie... But see? Aren't I already that much more interesting? Exactly.

More of Ang and Cli at the Film Fest. Oh wow, black again. Nice to shake up the color palette there Jolie.

Face Value: (Noun) The superficial appearance or implication of something.

I tried to think of a better punchline than this. I really did. But it just wasn't coming, much like a morning constitutional after eating a box of instant mashed potatoes for dinner because I forgot to go grocery shopping.

(Source: US Weekly)

Bitchface: (Noun) Someone who is excessively bitchy, catty and obnoxious.

Just because Kendra Wilkinson has moved on from "The Girls Next Door" and her pseudo relationship with an 80-something year-old man doesn't mean she has to be gracious about it or anything. In the above clip, she has some choice words for Hef's new girlfriends.

"There will only be [one] original Girls Next Door," she told E!. "We built this show. We worked our butts off to be here. Now these girls are coming in afterwards. We've made this for them, and I'd appreciate it if they'd be a little bit more thankful... I don't feel like they're thankful." (Source)

Oh, right. Because it really takes three special blonde whores to carry a trainwreck show about Hugh Hefner's harem on the E!-network-for-chrissakes. The only credentials for a hit show on the E! network are surgically enhanced body parts and a complete lack of self-respect. Oh, you're Paris Hilton's friend, made a sex tape and have a huge ass? Done. You work in a tanning salon and have fake tits? Here's your show. Kendra Wilkinson taking credit for the success of "The Girls Next Door" is like Joe Camel taking responsibility for kids smoking.

Trash Picker: (Noun) Someone who goes through the garbage looking for personal gain.

Some crazy person actually went through Mary-Louise Parker's garbage outside of her NYC apartment building and sent a letter with their findings to Page Six. And being the beacons of journalism that they are, Page Six reported the "evidence" in their entirety. Nice.

An anonymous letter was sent to Page Six from someone who claims to have sifted through the actress' refuse and included photocopies of Parker's drug prescription receipts from Bigelow Pharmacy on Sixth Avenue.

They show that last year she shelled out a $20 insurance co-payment for a supply of 30 tablets of a medication that's commonly used to treat low-thyroid function and prevent goiters. It was prescribed by a Manhattan internist. (Source)

Now, before any other psychopaths out there get any funny ideas about the glamorous world of celebrity trash picking and the ensuing glory which comes with it, let me just say this. Going through celebrity trash isn't about fame or money. It's about a very private and special moment between a person and the garbage of somebody who they worship. Like when I go through David Duchovny's trash, that is between me and David Duchovny's trash. I hate to say it, but if your main goal is just to get printed in a publication, you're probably rooting through celebrity trash for the wrong reasons. For shame.

More of the lovely Mary-Louise with one of my other stalking victims crushes, Michael C. Hall:

Normal: (Adjective) Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

Remember back when Paris Hilton made that first "Paris for President" video that was actually funny and well done and made me so confused and scared that I wanted to throw myself off a building like in the commercials for that shitty Marky Mark movie? And sure, I've made fun of her since -- many, many times -- but part of me still wondered if she was maybe actually a cool person deep down?

Well. It seems all is right in the universe, because only someone like Paris Hilton could be so completely oblivious to the line between clever social satire and blithering narcissism; the latter being what the above "music" video, the latest in her fake campaign for the presidency, consists of. I don't think I've ever heard a song so horrible that Heidi Montag wasn't directly responsible for. I made it about halfway through before I was forced to turn it off or else I might lose control of myself and start punching the computer screen. But really, this should serve as a lesson, as well as a grim reminder to us all: because a tiger can't change its stripes and a whore can't change her herpes. All she can do is stock up to Valtrex and whatever prescription medicine reduces eye wonkage.

The other website that I write for interviewed Kevin Motherfucking Smith. (Pajiba)

Bono receives his complimentary Lap Full 'O Teenagers as his welcome basket for the Dirty Old Man Club. (Yeeeah!)

Hmm... Something is different about Nicole Richie. But I can't quite put my hands on it to squeeze and make honking noises. (The Blemish)

Simon LeBon is 50-years-old? Jesus, now I feel old. (Seriously? OMG!)

Has Jennifer Aniston moved past John Mayer already? Here's hoping. (Celebitchy)

Rachel Bilson has like zero creativity when it comes to Halloween costumes. Unless she's supposed to be dressed as Mischa Barton, in which case, nicely done! (Celebslam)

I hope Duff from Guns N Roses chokes on his karma. (Agent Bedhead)

Brandon Walsh and Tootie. Need I say more? (IBBB)

I can't even touch this stuff going down with poor Jennifer Hudson's family. (CelebSmack)

Heidi Klum is a giant fairy. (usemycomputer)

Jon Hamm is totally the new George Clooney. Now all he has to do is start bearding around skanks and making booty calls toBrad Pitt. (Lainey Goss)

Changed Man: (Phrase) What occurs when someone experiences life-changing revelations at the hand of adversity.

In an interview with E! on Friday, Hulk Hogan says that since his October 20th release, his son Nick has completely "changed his life." Wow, I almost wouldn't have believed it if it didn't happen in five whole days.

"He was on a roll," he said. "He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything.

"He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what's important in life," Hulk added. "He knows what's real, and what's not real. (Source)

Damns! His clothes and watches? All John Graziano got stripped of was his frontal lobes. I guess we all know who got off easy in this situation. Plus, that Graziano fellow probably has no idea what's real and what's not real anymore. Again, that might have something to do with the whole "frontal lobes being missing" thing, but you know they say "he who can't learn from history is only doomed to repeat it." That goes double for coma victims.

Editor's note: *heart* the tramp stamp, Brooke!

Disingenuous: (Adjective) Not candid or sincere.

Everything's totally cool, guys! Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer have finally kissed and made up. Almost literally. And just so you know, they're definitely not both cringing on the inside as if they were embracing giant, man-sized pieces of dog shit.

Turn On: (Verb) To excite or stimulate the interest of someone sexually.

More details are surfacing about the Madonna-Ritchie divorce, and in what I know will come as a huge surprise to everyone, it turns out that sex with the wife wasn't all it cracked up to be. Not only did he have to have sex with Madonna in the first place, but their "sessions" were penciled in weeks in advance. Ooh, baby.

A source close to the couple told the MailOnline last night: 'With her time being so precious to her, and with there being more important things to her like spending three of four hours in the gym every day, it become just another thing in the diary. (Source)

Whenever I think about Madonna and Guy Ritchie having sex, all I can picture is that episode of "The Simpsons" where Marge turned into a bodybuilder, and once she pinned Homer down, he looked at each one of her hulking biceps, screamed like a girl while she then purportedly raped the bejeezus out of him. So I imagine that's a pretty accurate depiction of what Madonna and Guy's scheduled sex sessions were like, only with more of Madonna having to pull him out from under the bed first.

Mrs. Hulk Smash with family in NYC last weekend:

Mazel Tov: (Exclamation) a Jewish phrase expressing congratulations or wishing someone good luck.

Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, who are pretty much the cutest celebrity couple ever, welcomed a baby boy this weekend. In a statement from their rep, Archie Arnett was born on Saturday and weighing in at 8 lbs., 1 oz.

Seriously, though? Archie Arnett? That is pretty much the cutest name for a baby I've ever heard. I can't even stand it. These two are so damn cute I just want to smother them to death with a giant pillow. But, you know, in a good way. Congratulations to the family!

More of Pohnett (?) at the Emmy's last month:

Jacko's backo! Just in time for Halloween, too! (popbytes)

Mandy Moore is still hella gorgeous. (usemycomputer)

This was pretty much the best thing that happened on "Supernatural," or television in general, or ever, really. (Seriously? OMG!)

MK and Ashley Olsen tell Oprah what they eat for breakfast. Oprah, on the other hand, eats skinny little white bitches for breakfast. (Lainey Goss)

Double, double, toil and trouble. Nicolette Sheridan goes on the hunt for some plump and tasty children. (Yeeeah!)

Ali Lohan is the last hope. Like a sluttier version of The Neverending Story. (The Blemish)

Responsible parenting 101: it's totally OK to let your underage daughter's adult underwear model boyfriend move in, as long as they keep the doors open! Yeah... (Celebitchy)

Nicole Richie is still a terrible driver. (Celebslam)

Paris Hilton moves into a whorehouse. To the surprise of absofuckinglutely no one. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears took her kids and some photographers to a pumpkin patch. Heidi and Spencer are all "Done that!" (CelebSmack)

I'm totally late for Harriet Carter Wednesday, but it's a slow fucking news day and this is probably the most interesting thing out there today. (IBBB)

Do you see this shit I put up with? Much like Rodney Dangerfield, I get no respect. (Pajiba)

Neglectful: (Adjective) Of failure to care for properly.

Well, the good news is that Katie Holmes finally cut poor little Suri's hair. The bad news is that she's got her wandering around New York City in late October wearing a sundress with no coat. As you can see in the thumbnails below, Katie herself is wearing a relatively heavy coat -- because guess what? I live about two hours south of NYC and it was fuckens cold yesterday. Seriously! I even I got in my car and drove to get lunch at a place that's only one block away. (Hi, Mr. Gore!) So at this point, best case scenario Suri grows up completely socially dysfunctional; worst case scenario she dies of pneumonia before she even hits puberty.

Meta: (Adjective) Of a creative work referring to itself or to the conventions of its genre; self-referential.

Oh my God! Get it? Because she totally did that in the grocery store! Remember? And now it's been immortalized by some art school dropout! I hope Obama appreciates having his message of hope exploited by a dumb, plastic whore and her Snake-oil Salesman boyfriend. In fact, I hope he appreciates it so much that his first order of business as president is to deport these two to the middle of the ocean.

Can you legally revoke someone's voter registration card for being too dumb to vote? I think you should be able to.

Mean: (Adjective) Unkind, vicious or aggressive in behavior.

Conflicting reports are coming in as to why Lindsay Lohan's order was cut from six episodes to four episodes on "Ugly Betty." The first reports, naturally, cited Lindsay Lohan's diva behavior. But now it's coming out that Lindsay might not have been the diva after all, and that America Ferrera "couldn't handle Lindsay stealing her thunder."

"America was mean to Lindsay," the pal tells the Post. "Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn't do the last two episodes because America didn't like her and got her kicked off." (Source)

You know, I totally believe this. Does anyone remember this clip with Blake Lively promoting The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2? Make no mistake, America Ferrera is a huge bitch. And clearly does not care for being upstaged. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe if "Ugly Betty" was about some ugly girl who beat bitches up instead of some spineless nerd I might not have never watched it. Actually, I almost watched it that time that I heard Lindsay Lohan was going to be on, but now I guess I won't. Oh well!

Lindsay at Charlotte Ronson's 2009 Fashion Show (pretty sure those are her underpants):

Glib: (Adjective) Fluent and voluble but insincere and shallow.

Tom Cruise might be making a surprise appearance at Matt Lauer's Friar's Club Roast later today, supposedly to "get his revenge" on the "Today Show" host. Although I don't know why Tom Cruise needs revenge since he was the one acting like an ass and jumping all up on Matt Lauer's dick. Ohhhh, right. Publicity.

There's also the small matter of Tom's upcoming big-budget war movie, Valkyrie. Some Hollywood insiders are hinting to OK! that the Friars Club appearance may be the first stop in what is intended as a "good will tour" of sorts in the weeks leading up to the film's release. (Source)

Well either way it sounds like it'll be a smashing success; since if anything, Tom Cruise is known for his outstanding sense of humor. And you know those Friar's Club Roasts are always sorely lacking in jokes about "how when Xenu was handing out brains, you thought he said trains and then you went to go ride on a train" and such.

Moving on to Holmeswatch 2008:

Guys, old Stace here needs your help. Over on Pajiba, Dustin and I are having a pissing contest/flame war which culminated into an Ab Off -- and my precious Jared Padalecki is losing. And since I'm not above begging, or cheating, please go vote for him! Even if you prefer Ryan Reynolds! Do it for me! Pretty please? (Pajiba)

Katie Holmes went to having a mouth full of trailer park teeth overnight. (Yeeeah!)

Madonna is such a meanie, she made poor Guy Ritchie cry. (The Blemish)

America Ferrera plays a real life Mean Girl to Lindsay Lohan. (Seriously? OMG!)

Suri's playroom probably has more square footage than your house. (Celebitchy)

Posh Spice goes angry Indian bride. (Best Week Ever)

Fuck yes: Liza, Liza Liza! (cityrag)

Is Punk Rock Powder cheating on Paris Hilton? Oh, burn!!! (CelebWarship)

DJ AM uses "Burn Victim Pity" to get Mandy Moore back. (BricksAndStones)

Heather Graham is totally adorable even when she's dropping major cleavage. (Popoholic)

Illegal: (Adjective) Contrary to or forbidden by law, esp. criminal law.

Miley Cyrus went on Ryan Seacrest's radio show this morning to talk about her 20-year-old Christian underwear model boyfriend, Justin Gaston. And just so you know, she's totally not worried about the age difference. Whew!

"After my last two years, there's been a lot of things that happened, so I've learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything," she continued.

"He's a really great Christian guy. He's gone through stuff, and I've gone through stuff, and everyone goes through that. I think it's really awesome that we have that in common -- that we can talk about it and that we can understand [each other] ... he gets it." (Source)

Good for Miley, not to let five pesky little years get to her. Of course, she's not the one who will be hauled off to federal pound me in the ass prison when the inevitable self-taken photos of her performing sloppy oral on him show up on the internet, so why would she care? By then she'll no doubt have moved on to another one of the Jonas Brothers or something. That's the problem with dating 15-year-olds. They're so fickle like that.

Speaking of photos showing up on the internet... Mr. Nice Christian Boy himself:

Joe Six Pack: (Noun) An "average" or everyday middle class person.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt took a little beer, shotgun, economic literature and Sarah Palin T-shirt constitutional out in the Hollywood Hills yesterday. And really, while it's very thoughtful of them to help out with the cause -- I think McCain and Palin are already doing a fine job of pissing all over their credibility and derailing their campaign themselves. Thanks for the support though, guys!

Editor's note: Spencer sucks on that beer about as convincingly as I imagine Heidi does his pecker. Nice!

Scary: (Adjective) Frightening; causing fear.

Paris Hilton went out in London last night looking like a younger, whorier version of Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Which is probably a pretty accurate precursor of things to come, once she gets old and no one gives a shit about who Paris Hilton is anymore. I'll I'm saying is, it'd probably a good idea for Nikki Hilton to find a place of her own now.

More of Baby Whore with famed British skank, Katie Price:

Yum: (Exclamation) Used to express pleasure at eating, or at the prospect of eating a particular food.

Katherine Heigl chowing down on her favorite treat: live puppeh.

Suicide Watch: (Noun) Close observation of someone in order to prevent suicide.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, whom -- if you'll recall -- were hoping for a baby boy, just announced that they hit the baby lottery and are expecting twin boys!

“Brooke and I are thrilled! She’s the best stepmom Sam, Lola and Cassandra could ever hope for," Sheen, 42, told Usmagazine.com referring to his daughters Sam, 4, and Lola, 3 (with ex-wife Denise Richards), and Cassandra, 23 (with ex-girlfriend Paula Profitt). (Source)

That's really great. Just really, really great. Somebody should probably go keep an eye on Denise Richards is all I'm saying. Yeah... No I'm totally serious. She's going to wash broken glass down with Clorox when she hears about this.

(Editor's note: Header image of Charlie Sheen and his constant companion, Creepy Old Man Face.)

Everybody's favorite serial killer has been picked up for two more seasons. And watch your mouth, Dustin! Michael C. Hall never wears thin... In my heart. (Pajiba)

Summer Glau makes me feel squishy in my funny place. (usemycomputer)

Madonna can shove her pity party right up that bleached asshole of hers. (Lainey Goss)

Hee-yaw! Welcome to Jennifer Aniston Bump-Watch 2008! (Yeeeah!)

The now-former Miss Teen USA is possibly the dumbest teenager in history of dumb teenagers. (The Blemish)

The Desperate Housewives are going to have to start hitting up Goodwill Fashions. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww! Fantastic news! Willow Rosenberg and Wesley Wyndam Price are having a babers! (Celebitchy)

The loser who stole Miley Cyrus's pictures from the internet got busted. (Celebslam)

William Shatner threw a piss about not getting invited to Sulu's wedding. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney got off. And not in the fun, sexy way she used to with Adnan. (IDLYITW)

"Paris for President" is starting to wear thin. (CelebSmack)

Motherly: (Adjective) Of, resembling, or characteristic of a mother.

Aw, man. Shooting down my fantasies of the Olsen Twins both having sets of twins who would then all be on a sitcom together, Mary-Kate Olsen says she's not getting married or having kids.

In an interview in the twins' new book, Influence, designer Karl Lagerfeld asks the girls if they dream of love, marriage and the baby carriage. Mary-Kate, who has been dating NYC artist Nate Lowman for a year, says it's not for her. "I don't feel the need to get married," the freewheeling Olsen explains. "But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother." (Source)

She's got a point there. Being an aunt is great, because you get all the fun parts of the babies and then when you're done with them they go home. Plus, then you don't actually have to quit cigarettes and blow, just hide it in front of the kid. Seriously though, I couldn't see Mary-Kate Olsen nurturing anything other than an eating disorder. This is probably for the best.

Twin 1 and Twin 2 at the launch of their new clothing line earlier this month:

Hard: (Adjective) Someone who is tough and prone to violence.

Katy Perry has come under fire from anti-violence protesters for supposedly glamorizing knives in the above promotional photo which was shot for her album One For The Boys.

The picture was apparently intended to portray Perry as "edgy", according to sources on the shoot: "The knife picture was done to give Katy more of a sexy, harder edge. But in the end it wasn't picked as a main shot for her album or website." (Source)

Whatever. Giving Katy Perry a knife to play with doesn't make her look edgy, it just makes her look even more stupid and phony than she normally looks. If I was challenged to fight a knife-wielding Katy Perry I'd make sure to tie my right arm behind my back to even up the odds.

Flop: (Noun) A total failure.

After only six months, Heidi Montag's cheap, whorey clothing line "Heidiwood" has already been discontinued. Ha ha ha ha ha!

But apparently, it isn’t a reflection of poor sales, but that her parent retail company "Anchor Blue" is moving in a different direction and is expected to close around 40 stores across the U.S in the coming months. (Source)

Who said that? Spencer? Well that makes sense, anyway. Clearly, "Heidiwood" was selling off the shelves and Anchor Blue had no other choice but to close 40 entire stores. It's a little tactic retail business likes to call "reverse psychology." Now, I'm not some fancy, big city "business person," obviously -- so I can't tell you exactly how it works. But Nintendo has been doing it for like two years now with those Wii systems of theirs, so I can tell you this must mean big things for Heidi and Spencer. Huge!!

Rodeo Barbie and The One With The Tits shooting scenes for "The Hills" last week:

Comeuppance: (Noun) A punishment or fate that someone deserves.

Lindsay Lohan is being sued for unspecified damages by the three passengers of the SUV in the car chase in July of last year which led to her second DUI arrest.

Although nobody was physically injured, their suit describes a wild, traumatic ride with Lohan allegedly angry and intoxicated as she went after the other car following a party.

"Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed," the lawsuit says. "Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death." (Source)

What a bunch of pussies. People used to pay good money for a ride just like that at Disneyland. I think it was called Drunken Firecrotch's Wild Ride.

Linds... Hating the new hair:

Remember the good old days of Swingers, back before Vince Vaughn literally had fat rolls underneath his eyes? (Pajiba)

Ahhh. So that's what Will Smith sees in Scientology: strings-free gay sex. (Yeeeah!)

Madonna wants A-Rod's baby? Uh, yeah. I think he'd have an easier time fertilizing a blow-up doll. (The Blemish)

Kate Hudson and Liv Tyler are BFFs. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ohhhh, snap. Here we go. Lohan's back on the dick. (Celebitchy)

WHAT? Robert Downey Jr. is only 5'7?! And the list goes sadly on. (Best Week Ever)

You can find boobs in just about anything if you really just look hard enough. (cityrag)

MK Olsen found somthing better to do than slouch around in baggy clothes. (CelebWarship)

Jennifer Aniston might have a baby of her own. Suck on that, Brangelina! (BricksAndStones)

I still can't believe Maculay Culkin is tapping this. Nicely done, my friend! (Popoholic)

Umbrage: (Noun) Offense or annoyance.

Since apparently the only person allowed to convey the idea that Paris Hilton is a dumb blonde shithead is Paris Hilton -- Pink says that Herp McWonks is still pissed with her for her unflattering depiction in the video for "Stupid Girls."

She says, "Paris Hilton is still bugging me about Stupid Girls. She came up to me in a nightclub a couple of months back and she said, 'I hope you realize that the person I seem to be in the press is really just an act and the real me is really smart'. I said, 'Just get over it. The song was like years ago. Quit bugging me.' (Source)

Pink shouldn't be taking that kind of shit from Paris Hilton. What she should have done was punched that bitch's teeth down her throat and then made her apologize to her fist for getting in its way. That's what I would do, anyway. But then again, I also wear disorderly conduct charges like badges of honor.

Pink in concert last night. C'mon girl, you know you wanna beat some bitches up:

Secretive: (Adjective) Of a person inclined to conceal feelings and intentions or not to disclose information.

Anne Hathaway, in a possible ploy to get people to stop asking her about that criminal dude she used to date, told reporters about a new mystery man who may or may not be in her life.

"This guy I know in L.A. is kind of doing it for me right now," the actress told PEOPLE at the London premiere for her newest movie, Rachel Getting Married. "When I think of sexy, I think of him."

"You know when sometimes you don't know someone very well - you'll probably never see them again - but you just meet them and you're like 'WOW, you really have it going on'?" (Source)

When you think of sexy, you think of this guy? Oh. Well, obviously, she means David Hasselhoff. So there you have it. Anne Hathaway wants David Hasselhoff. You heard it here first!

More of the future Mrs. Hoff looking loverly at the Rachel Getting Married premiere:

Save Face (Idiom) To make a gesture intended to preserve one's reputation or honor.

Katie Perry is such a fucking liar. According to her boyfriend, Travis McCoy, all of the embarrassing falling down which proceeded her assy little cake jumping incident at the MTV Latin America Awards was all staged. Uhhh, yeah! No!

The Gym Class Heroes star says, "She did it on purpose. She hit me right after the performance (and said), 'Baby, you gotta see the performance! You gotta see the performance!' and I watched it. And I was like, 'Baby, did you fall?' and she's like, 'I did it on purpose.'"

McCoy tells MTV News, "It was all planned. I think she murdered it, man...She's a step above, a step ahead, you know? And I've always backed her." (Source)

Oh, I'm sure it was on purpose. Just like she's a fake bisexual on purpose, and looks like a poor man's Zooey Deschanel on purpose, and is a stupid poser who tries way too hard on purpose. And I bet they even call each other baby all the time on purpose. Oh yeah, and when I murder them both in the face? That will totally be on purpose too.

Performing with Tobias Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution:

Clone: (Noun) A person or thing regarded as identical to another.

OK, they really need to stop doing this. We know. Tom rebuilt Katie so he could finally achieve his dream of basically having sex with himself. Fine. I get that. But they have to quit dressing like this in public. It's just making people uncomfortable, dammit. And by "people" I mean "me," and by "uncomfortable" I mean "reaching for the booze at 10AM."

Die: (Verb) To command a person, animal, or plant to stop living.

Nick Hogan got released from jail today, and this is what Brooke Hogan had to say about her brother's impending release on her myspace blog. Hate Brooke Hogan. Stacey smash.

"Not seeing him for six months has been really, really hard," Brooke writes. "He always knows how to make me feel better or make me smile when I need it, and it's been tough without having him there to hug me just at the right time, or crack a joke when I'm havin' a bad day."

"I understand people have their own opinion, but most of the people that come up to us don't know the whole story or how much we really, really love John [the victim]," she says. "It's really sad because we're not bad people. We're just going through a really hard time, and so is John's family. "All I ask is, instead of making this harder and putting evil things out there, you pray for John, and for us, and leave words of inspiration," she writes.

"John is gonna walk out of that hospital and things will be OK again. I know his strength, and I know he can do it with our prayers."

Before signing off, Brooke writes, "I just can't wait to see my Nicky! I'm gonna make him every kind of food you can possibly think of! He's been living on bread and potatoes so far and I know some Mac-n-Cheese is gonna hit the spot! LOL" (Source)

Just so we're all clear -- as far as I know, John Graziano is still missing the brain part of his head, so the odds of him walking out of that hospital are about as good as Jesus coming back to town and walking across Lake Fucking Michigan. Having said that, I will be praying for the Hogans. So without further ado: Dear God, please set every single member of the Hogan family on fire. STAT.

Belly chains are so hot right now Brooke; don't listen to the haters:

W. is like cinematic premature ejaculation. (Pajiba)

Mischa Barton is dressy assily, as usual. (usemycomputer)

Madonna and Guy reached a settlement already? (Yeeeah!)

Madonna also claims Guy Ritchie was abusive. A claim I do not believe on grounds that Guy Ritchie would have gotten the shit beat out of him. (Celebslam)

Tara Reid has the hottest ass in the whole entire nursing home. (The Blemish)

Awww. Russell Crowe is donating his hair to Locks of Love. I don't even have anything snarky to say here. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay and Sam got into an old-fashioned lesbos quarrel. (Celebitchy)

Tom Cruise doesn't understand computers, so there's totally almost no chance that he's reading all the shit that we write about him. (Agent Bedhead)

Sarah Palin tries to laugh with us on "Saturday Night Live." FAIL! (CelebSmack)

Watership Down, or, "Good Bunny, Bad Bunny" as my little sister used to call it, just celebrated it's 30th anniversary. (popbytes)

Ashlee Simpson looks bloated and miserable. (Lainey Goss)

Spoiled: (Verb) Harm the character of a child by being too lenient or indulgent.

Suri Cruise may not have things like friends or a haircut which allows for maximum visibility; but what she does have is her own dressing room at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theater, where Katie Holmes' All My Sons is running. Nyah!

She says, "It's a great schedule, because (Suri and I) get to spend the whole day together and then I go and do the play. Then I come home and we play some more! We have a dressing room that is transformed into a playroom. It has a little piano." (Source)

Oh, big whoop. That's not so impressive. When I was growing up, I had a TV set. In my bedroom. Sure, it was an old black and white set that my parents had from the olden days, and you had to change the channels using a knob -- but it was still better than some stupid piano. Suri is gonna have to try a lot harder than that to make me retroactively jealous of her.

But damn. She is a cute little bugger, isn't she?

Legal: (Adjective) Being the age of consent permitted by law.

Zac "Perfectly Groomed Eyebrows" Efron celebrated his 21st birthday this weekend at L.A.'s Pace restaurant, in the most debauchery-free gathering which included alleged girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Amanda Bynes and Aly and AJ Michalka.

Efron kept it causal in a T-shirt and jacket while Hudgens, 19, who "helped plan the party," a source says, donned a colorful mini-dress. Guests arrived with wrapped gifts, including bottles of liquor for the actor, who can now legally drink alcohol. (Source)

You know what else Zac Efron can legally do now? Butt sex. Of course, he could technically do that before the age of 21... (Now, in all U.S. states!) But, you know, whatever he needs to hear to rationalize it in his head is just fine.

At a photo call for HSM, looking as comfortable and natural standing next to his "girlfriend" as a freshly-neutered cat:

TMI: (Abbreviation) Stands for "Too much information."

At a concert in Dallas this weekend, Jessica Simpson could barely shut her stupid yap about Tony Romo (who was in attendance)  long enough to sing any of her shitty songs.

He grinned as Simpson, 28, called him "the calm of the storm in my life" and said, "Whatever I go through, I know I can depend on him to relax and bring me faith again."

Before singing "My Sunday," she added, "This is a song I wrote about a certain someone who throws that football really good." Simpson giggled and Romo, 28, beamed.

Nursing a broken pinky and chatting with Cowboys tight end Jason Witten, Romo bobbed his head with the music and was caught singing along to a few songs. When Simpson hit a powerful note during "Do You Know," he clapped in awe. (Source)

Think of the most annoying couple you know. Then, multiply the annoyingness factor of that couple by like thirty-eight million. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo would still out-annoy those people, and they would do it wearing matching Raggedy Ann and Andy Halloween costumes. Check and mate.

Jessica promoting her new fragrance "Fancy" this weekend: (It smells like desperate!)

Low Blow: (Noun) An illegal blow that strikes below an opponent's waist.

Oh hells to the yes! The gloves in the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce are officially off! Or, they were off like a month ago, anyway, when Guy totally burned Madonna's fruity religion.

"I don't really understand kabbalah as a religion," Ritchie told Extra at the Toronto International Film Festival last month. Ritchie continued: "I don't think it's a religion as far as I'm aware." (Source)

I don't know what's not to understand about a religion that requires you to drink $10 bottles of water and wear red string around your wrist to ward off the "evil eye." No wonder they're getting divorced. He may as well just tell the press that he doesn't "understand" what that giant bulge in Madonna's underpants is.

Guy Ritchie and Robert Downey Jr. at the "Sherlock Holmes" press concert because no one wants to look at Madonna and her schlong:

If you're 16-years-old, Sex Drive will probably be the best movie you ever saw. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry's stupid ass eats it at MTV's Latin America Awards. (Yeeeah!)

Miley Cyrus shows her mom and the rest of the world her fellatio skills. (The Blemish)

Lindsay Lohan isn't afraid to tell the world! (Seriously? OMG!)

Katherine Heigl is planning to torture some foreign baby. (Celebitchy)

Apparently A-Rod wasn't who broke up Madonna's marriage... It was a horse. And yet, I'm not that shocked. (Celebslam)

What happens when Scientardogists get sick? (Agent Bedhead)

Marky Mark is pretty much the biggest dickhead ever. (CelebSmack)

Oh, look! Julia Stiles got invited to something! (usemycomputer)

Jennifer Aniston spends the night with Douchey McDoucherton. (Lainey Goss)

Take a trip in the way-back machine to see what Heidi Montag's face really looks like. (IBBB)

Smug: (Adjective) Having or showing an excessive pride in oneself.

Hoo hoo hoo! Guess who finally (sort of) admitted that she was banging Brad Pitt while he was married to Jennifer Aniston? Angelina let this little nugget drop in a recent interview with the New York Times:

Nonetheless, she said, she looks forward to the day when she can put “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” in the DVD player for the children; “not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love.” (Source)

So.... I wonder what's on the menu for Jennifer Aniston tonight? A half-gallon of ice cream and a half-bottle of tequila? Pathetic Spinsters Quarterly recommends the Jose Cuervo Black paired with Breyer's Triple Chocolate Fudge Chunk.

Jennifer at the Glamour Reel Moments event earlier this week:

Off the Charts: (Phrase) No longer to be measured by standard means.

At the Broadway premiere of All My Sons last night, Katie Holmes once again miraculously managed to one-up herself in the sheer ugliness and ridiculousness of her outfit. If you think this one is so ugly she just must have made it herself, it's probably because she did.

Surprisingly, the outfit wasn't the fault of an expensive designer, but is the handiwork of the actress herself. Katie Holmes wore her own design at the after-party to celebrate the first night of her Broadway play, All My Sons. (Source)

OK, clearly this whole "dressing herself" thing is not working out. Maybe she should give Suri a stab at it. Or a blind person. Or a mentally handicapped person. Or Juliette Lewis. Granted, those last two were kind of redundant, but I think you see what I'm getting at here.

Oof:

Liability: (Noun) The state of being responsible for something.

Former "American Idol" contestant Nikki McKibbin has come forward to accuse Simon Cowell of furthering her depression and substance abuse due to the excessive cruelty she suffered at his hand while competing on the show.

"I came out of Idol with a lack of self-confidence," McKibbin tells the new issue of Us Weekly. "I think I had my first solo in school when I was 5, and I got more as I got older: That's the biggest compliment in choir. I had never been told I wasn't good enough. Having to hear it for so many weeks from Simon Cowell killed me inside. I couldn't get the s--t he had said to me out of my head."

She continued: "It drove me deeper into my depression. I wouldn't say that this was Simon's fault. It just added to the addict that I already was." (Source)

Simon Cowell was not available for comment, but if we was I imagine he would have said that Nikki's whining reminded him of a mangy dog, and then accused her of gaining weight since she sobered up.

What: (Exclamation) Asking for information out of disbelief, surprise, or amusement.

What is this fuckery? Jenny McCarthy claims that she has "cured" her son of autism. I don't even want to touch this one.

The actress - who believes the MMR vaccine was to blame for her son's diagnosis - says a strict no wheat-and-dairy-free diet has changed her son from a quiet little boy who used to flail his arms around to a loving six-year-old.



"Before the vaccination, he was huggy, lovey, snuggly," she says in the newest issue of Us Weekly. "Then it was like someone came down and stole him."

"I made a deal with God," she explains. "I said, 'You fix my boy, you show me the way and I'll teach the world how I did it.'"

 (Source)

A former high school classmate who is a pediatrician friended me on facebook, and she has been known to occasionally update her status to the effect that Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her mouth and show her tits or whatnot. Then I have another friend who works with autistic kids who thinks Jenny McCarthy is some kind of savior. I, on the other hand, am a gossip blogger who has no informed opinion on the matter. But you know, I didn't think you could cure stupid -- otherwise how do you explain George Bush and "American Idol?" At this rate, maybe Jenny McCarthy should start focusing her attention elsewhere. For instance, my boyfriend has Type 1 Diabetes, and you know, they say it's totally incurable... But maybe he just needs more flax in his diet or some shit. Please, Dr. Ex-Playboy Model: get on it STAT!

Dr. Ex-Playboy Model at the ELLE Women in Hollywood Tribute last week:

How many people do you think are going to dress up as Sarah Palin for Halloween? (Pajiba)

Britney must have picked up some sweet camouflage tips from Animal Planet. (CelebWarship)

Whaaa...? How does Billy Bob factor into the Leoni-Duchovny split? (Yeeeah!)

Why was "that big whore in Danity Kane" kicked out from Danity Kane? (The Blemish)

Holy shit do the Winchester Brothers look mega hot in black & white. (Seriously? OMG!)

Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze, sitting in a tree... (Celebitchy)

Mandy Moore rocks a big brown sack. Hot! (usemycomputer)

Yup... Knuckle tattoos: still totally gay! (cityrag)

Ahhh, now there's the Kirsten Dunst we all know and hold our noses for as she walks by! (Ayyyy!)

Nicollette Sheridan will make you want to go purge that Big Mac you had for lunch. (BricksAndStones)

Melanie Brown's fantastic cleavage is cancelled out by her fantastically retarded outfit. (Popoholic)

Embellisher: (Noun) A person who makes a statement or story more interesting or entertaining by adding extra details, esp. ones that are not true.

At a concert in Boston last night, just hours after announcing her impending divorce from husband Guy Ritchie Madonna went on a (what else?) assy, vindictive little rant, presumably about her failed marriage.

Before she sang 'Miles Away', which Madonna previously claimed was inspired by Ritchie, she told the audience: 'This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category.

She also opened the show, which took place just hours after her spokesperson confirmed the split, with her track I'm Not Sorry, telling the 20,000-strong crowd: 'That's right, I'm not sorry.' (Source)

I don't think there's anything "emotionally retarded" about waking up next to your wife one day and realizing that she could crush your skull between her bicep for forearm. There's also nothing "emotionally retarded" about wondering what all those pills and injections are that she's been taking, and why it sounds like she's peeing standing up in the bathroom. That's called human nature, my friend. And if Madonna can't understand that... Well, it's probably because she passed "human" about three exits back when she started receiving packages with the radioactive warning symbol on them.

Repulse: (Verb) Fail to welcome friendly advances or the person making them.

Proving that Paris Hilton hate isn't relegated to this side of the pond: British people hate her too! Old Napalm Vagina thought she'd sidle up to British royalty in London last night and was shot down by Princes Harry and William faster than a suicide bomber headed for the White House.

Harry was sitting with two male friends at a table, and Paris headed over in a bid to get his attention. But Harry was having none of it. An onlooker said: 'It was quite funny to watch. Harry clearly didn't want to speak to her but she did a sexy dance in front of him and he finally stood up to shake her hand. He then just wandered off, and Paris looked a bit annoyed.'

Not to be discouraged, Paris later tried her luck with William. She approached his table, and repeated her sexy dancing routine. Until this point William had been sitting with a blonde girl who was trying her hardest to flirt with him. Paris finally caught his attention and also sat next to Will. After a while the blonde girl left, but -- to Paris's chagrin -- Will left a short time later. (Source)

Well, no shit. I mean, theoretically, Harry and William have their veritable pick from any number of inbred Princesses across the continent of Europe. And you know how that old British saying goes: an heiress with extra fingers on her hand is better than one with crabs in the bush. I think Henry the Eighth said that.

More of Sadness Vagina arriving in London last night:

Produce Molestation: (Noun) To assault or abuse produce sexually.

God, it has been such a slow gossip news week. Painfully slow. You'd think there were some kind of presidential election or global economic crisis going on or something. But then I see these pictures of Heidi and Spencer acting retarded like business as usual, seeing what they can do to put a bunch of pumpkins in therapy for the rest of their pumpkiney lives, and I see that all is right in the world.

Sadness: (Noun) The feeling of sorrow or unhappiness.

Awww. Even after David Duchovny successfully completed his sex rehab, he and wife Téa Leoni have announced their separation with a prepared statement Wednesday.

"In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months," the statement said. "The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children." (Source)

The two were married since 1997, and really, this is just sad and I don't have anything snarky to say about it... Even though I still want to kidnap David Duchovny using a van and some ether, and rape the bejeesus out of his confused, sex-addicted ass. But to be fair, I've wanted to do that since before they even got married. So this doesn't change my feelings about that, anyway.

Check out this list of the future of Hollywood's working class, so you can feel smart talking to your film geek friends. (Pajiba)

"It’s Paint-by-Numbers Christina Aguilera! Part Fruitopia commercial, part down-on-his-luck drag queen." (Yeeeah!)

Katie Holmes might be starting her own denim line, but the name "Bad Idea Jeans" is unfortunately already taken. (Celebitchy)

Dennis Leary must have been diagnosed with autism at some point in his life. (The Blemish)

Demi Moore and Courtney Cox are twin cougars. (Seriously? OMG!)

It's been confirmed... Madonna and Guy are kaput. (divorce/">Celebslam)

Mmmm.... Death by Chocolate Covered Strawberry.... (Agent Bedhead)

I honestly just can not get over how smoking hot Victoria Beckham looks with that pixie cut. Every time I see her! (CelebSmack)

I hate that grunge plaid is making a comeback. Here's Selena GOmez wearing I think the same exact shirt I owned in 1993. (usemycomputer)

Everybody loves celebrities without makeup! Stars: they're ugly, just like us! (popbytes)

Blind item: which celebrity mom did the "IV Diet" to lose her baby weight? (Lainey Goss)

Give Up: (Phrase) To stop or discontinue an action or activity.

I don't even know what to say anymore. Katie Holmes has once again surpassed the limits of fugliness, wearing what appears to be L.L. Bean's new maternity line, though she does not appear to be pregnant. Really, I'm at a loss.

On an unrelated note: See how Suri is holding her head up like a sheepdog? I THINK THAT MEANS SHE WANTS HER HAIR CUT. Assholes.

Improvement: (Noun) A thing that is better than something else.

Tallulah Belle confuses me. On one hand, I think she's really cute. On the other, she always kind of has a smile on her face that looks like her head might start spinning around and pea soup might start projectile vomiting from her mouth. Or maybe I'm just happy to not have to look at stupid Rumer for once. I guess anyone looks good in comparison to Rumer WIllis. It's also why Quasimodo's brother got so much tail. A lot of people don't know that part of the story.

Green-eyed Monster: (Noun) Jealousy personified.

If either party in the Carey-Cannon union were to have crippling jealously issues, I'd have put my money on Mariah. But as it turns out, Nick Cannon was the one who got territorial when his precious Glitter Retardo filmed a bedroom scene for her latest video.

He says, "We did it in, like, one take and I had to kick the dude out. It was one of those situations where I wasn't intimidated but I could've knocked him out at any point. He was playing, like, a fictional character, but I could have done without it."

But, once the awkward scene was over, Cannon admits he enjoyed directing his wife: "She's very easy to work with... we had no beef at all." (Source)

Nothing makes a woman feel more secure in her marriage than irrationally threatening to beat-up her co-workers. Well, that, and making her take off her underpants when she walks in the door to make sure they don't "smell like sex." Little gestures like that are pretty much the fundamentals of a happy marriage!

Mr. and Mrs. Carey and Jealousy Magoo's like 19th birthday party or whatever:

Devastating: (Adjective) Causing severe shock, distress, or grief.

Oh no! Lauren Conrad is so over "The Hills." Could this be the veritable light at the end of the tunnel for the dumbest show on TV? (And yes, that includes VH1's "Of Love" series.)

"It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away," Conrad tells Extra. "I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time." (Source)

This has got to be tough news to swallow for poor Heidi and Spencer. I imagine hearing this was the shattering equivalent as finding out their grandmothers both have AIDS and only three months to live. If their grandmothers crapped gold doubloons out of their poopers, anyway.

More of Heidi and that thing attached to the creepy Gorton's Fisherman Beard at the Max Payne premiere last weekend:

Inevitable: (Noun) A situation that is unavoidable.

Oh, big wow. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are finally divorcing. Yawn.

A statement confirming their marriage is over has been prepared and is set to be released imminently. The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretence any longer." (Source)

I don't know why they didn't just announce it when she and A-Rod got caught banging. Everybody knew. You know what I bet finally pushed Guy over the edge? Those retarded gun shoes from yesterday. There are just some things even more publicly humiliating than your wife fucking another guy.

More from Madonna and Guy's last ever (*sob!*) public appearance at the premiere of Rocknrolla. He totally looks like he wants to punch her in the face.

Jennifer Carpenter and her big, giant face screams her head off in Quarantine. (Pajiba)

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Yeah... She totally sucked dick for coke.  (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay and Sam are either breaking up, engaged or possibly not either of those two. But it's definitely one of those three options! (The Blemish)

Shannen Doherty is coming back to "90210" for two more episodes. Why don't they just make her a regular and be done with it? (Seriously? OMG!)

Heidi Montag coyly fakes pregnancy; impresses no one. (Celebitchy)

To uggo to pose naked? It's OK, PETA can still find a way to exploit you. (Best Week Ever)

HBO's "True Blood" has hot buttered vampire sex. (cityrag)

Poor little Suri still doesn't have any friends. (CelebWarship)

Well of course Tony Romo isn't going to propose if you keep wearing those unflattering sweatpants. That's for after the honeymoon. (BricksAndStones)

Holy crap! Serena Williams looks like she could be quarterback for the 49ers. (HQ Celeb)

The dumb one from "The Hills" does Maxim. Oh, I kid. They're all dumb! (Popoholic)

"How to look slammin' and better than everyone there with Mila Kunis." (IDWYL)

Badass: (Noun) A tough, aggressive, or uncooperative person.

If there's one thing you can never accuse Madonna of, it's not trying hard enough. Actually, if there's two things you can never accuse Madonna of, it's not trying hard enough and not forgetting to take her testosterone injections. But getting back to that first one -- in her latest attempt at being hard and edgy, Madonna showed up at the premiere of her film Filth And Wisdom wearing high heels made out of handguns.

What gives here? I always assumed Kabbalah was a peaceful religion, but apparently its followers have to be alert to the extent that they need to wear firearms on their feet. Maybe she ought to think about switching teams to Scientology. I hear they have people to "clean up those messes" for you, and then you know, bonus! You don't have to wear shoes that make you look like a huge asshole.

Relapse: (Verb) To suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.

Jesus fucking Christ. Because Jennifer Aniston is apparently even more pathetic and desperate than even I give her credit for -- like a moth to flame or dog to feces -- reports are flurrying in that Ms. Aniston has found her way back to John Mayer.

After sending a barrage of romantic email, John's persistence has paid off. The actress jetted to New York, where the pair fanned the flames of their renewed romance with intimate sushi dinners at John's Soho apartment and a very cozy Italian feast at Manhattan's chic Il Mulino restaurant.

"At first Jennifer was afraid to respond to John's messages because she was afraid he'd break her heart again," says an insider. "The emails were especially poetic -- like love songs. He said he'd never stop loving her and he's been very, very persuasive." (Source)

I would say more, but I can't even articulate an appropriate response here that doesn't involve smacking Jennifer Aniston on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Integrity: (Noun) The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.

Holly Madison opened up about Hugh Hefner's new twin girlfriends, Whore 1 and Whore 2 at an event called "Bowling for Boobies" last night.

"They're a lot of fun," she told Us Monday at the 2008 "Bowling for Boobies" bash in Hollywood. "I would never try to personally pick Hef's new girlfriend. I would like him to take his time and actually get to know somebody -- which he never does! But as long as he's having fun, I'm happy for him! (Source)

Get to know them? What more to you need to know about a young lady who is willing to bang her twin sister and an 82-year-old man at the same time? I believe the expression I'm looking for is: "one to bring home to mom." Except, you know, there's technically two of them and Hugh Hefner's mother has been dead for like a hundred years.

Whore 1 and Whore 2 at L.A.'s Fashion Week:

Run: (Verb) Move at a speed faster than a walk, never having both or all the feet on the ground at the same time.

In a recent interview, Jessica Simpson admitted her penchant for oversharing, and then went ahead and said how she wanted to have six babies anyway.

“Even if things don’t work out between Tony and me - though, knock on wood, I believe they will - I don’t regret anything I’ve ever said. That’s just how I love. I’m all in and I live one moment at a time. If I’m happy, I’ll talk about being happy. Maybe I do talk too much, but I still feel as if I’m holding back. "I’m just a happy person.”

As for children, she has big ambitions. “I’d love six kids running around, but I guess I’ll have to start pretty soon.” (Source)

If Tony Romo is out there reading this, all I have to say is remember how Forrest Gump ran from one end of the country to the other? Well, it's never a bad idea to invest in a really good pair of sneakers.

More of Jessica fellating a microphone at NASCAR this weekend: (Editor's note: OHHHHH!)

Responsible: (Adjective) Morally accountable for one's behavior.

You know, I'm always on the fence about Angelina Jolie. Sometimes I just think she's just a very kind person with a big heart, and then other times I think she's a baby-collecting maniac who has no business having six children. Which one do you think the following makes me feel?

"My mom took me to buy my first daggers when I was 11 or 12," Jolie says in the new issue of W magazine. "And I've already bought Maddox some." (Source)

Guess what? There is no reason why a seven-year-old boy needs to play with knives. Not ever. Not to mention a seven-year-old boy with five younger siblings. When I was that age, I would try pretty much anything I saw on "Looney Tunes" on my little sister -- including but not limited to propping buckets of water over top of the door and trying to trap her in a giant box held up by a stick with a treat tied to the stick with a string. That last one may have been the cat. My point is, if someone had given me a set of knives she probably would have been injured to the point that if she drank a glass of water, water would comically spouted out of various holes in her stomach. That's what always happened on "Tom & Jerry," anyway.

More candids from W:

Selma Hayek on the set of "30 Rock" looking quite.... Ample? (Celebslam)

It's no wonder Leonardo DiCaprio got beat out by a bunch of fucking talking dogs. (Pajiba)

Britney is totally bare-ass naked in her new video and looks fabulous thanks to a little something known as "magic pills." (Yeeeah!)

It's the case of the Is Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant Again? A real whodunit! (The Blemish)

Jennifer Love Hewitt may be skinny now but she still has an ugly dress. (usemycomputer)

Shanna Moakler posts a myspace response to her ex-husband's myspace attack on her. Jesus Christ how old are you people?! (Seriously? OMG!)

More candid Angelina Jolie photos from W magazine! (Celebitchy)

Katie Holmes attempts; fails at sexiness. (Agent Bedhead)

Mark Walhberg doesn't get it. (IDLYITW)

Ahhhhahahahaha! Tara Reid is waiting for the writer's strike to be over so she can start "working" again. (CelebSmack)

OMG YAY!!!!! Clear my schedule for the rest of the TV season! (VH1Blog)

Jessica Simpson pulls off stupid, twatty and porny all in one shot. Impressive! (Lainey Goss)

Paris Hilton makes "I Dream of Jeannie" sluttier than legions of college girls wearing cheap polyester Halloween Adventure Store costumes have tried before her. (IBBB)

Trite: (Adjective) Overused and consequently of little import; lacking originality or freshness.

Seriously, Mariah? We're still on the butterfly kick, huh? You know, I could have sworn I remembered there being a fashion rule that dictates when it's appropriate to wear a sparkly butterfly hot-glued onto your back. Oh riiiiight, I remember now: NOT EVER.

More of Mr. and Mrs. Giltter Retardo at the Andre Agassi Charitable Foundation's fundraiser:

Uncoordinated: (Adjective) Badly organized.

Because nothing says "football" quite like nonthreatening, sexually ambiguous teeny-boppers, it has been announced that The Jonas Brothers will be performing the halftime show at the Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game.

"I was born in Dallas, which makes performing with my brothers at the Cowboys Halftime on Thanksgiving an in credible honor," said Nick Jonas, who was echoed by his brothers Joe and Kevin in a statement. (Source)

What, Jessica Simpson wasn't available? Well, The Jonas Brothers and football seem about as natural a combination as peanut butter and shit. While they're at it, maybe they can bring Christian Soriano in to do sportscasting/fashion commentary. It's about time somebody point out that the Cowboy's shade of blue is so last decade.

Thankful: (Adjective) Expressing gratitude and relief.

If anything positive can come out of a near-death experience, it's that a person might experience a new lease on life and learn not to take things for granted or sweat the petty stuff. And then there's Travis Barker, who passes by the introspection period and goes right to making potshots at his ex-wife on his myspace page.

"Despite any rumors you might have heard via my EX-wife Shanna Moakler, who I have not seen since the week I checked in, I've been treated amazingly well, both here in LA and an Georgia," Barker wrote. (Source)

That's funny. I'm actually in the celebrity gossip business and I haven't heard of a single negative thing to come out of Shanna Moakler. Just pictures of her at the hospital crying, really. But I guess there you go, right? It's almost like she's making all about her: "Oh look at me! The father of my children almost burned to death! Wah wah wah!"

Lasting: (Verb) Continuing to function well for a considerable length of time.

After over four whole years of marriage, J. Lo and her husband, Rat Face Something or Other, renewed their vows in Vegas this weekend.

Witnessed by two friends, the duo renewed the vows at Caesars Palace's Forum Tower Penthouse at 3:15 a.m. Sunday after a night at Pure Nightclub, a rep for the hotel confirmed to PEOPLE.

The service was officiated by Rev. Steven Smith. "It was totally a spur of the moment thing," a source said. "They decided around 12:30 in the morning that they wanted to do it and started calling for ministers." (Source)

To be honest, when these two got together I gave it three months, so I am pretty much astounded that it's not only been 4+ years, but they're pulling this renewing of the vows shenanigans on top of everything. How depressing is this? A Jennifer Lopez relationship is stronger than the global economy right now. Really think about that.

Honesty: (Noun) The quality of being honest and sincere.

"Gossip Girl's" Taylor Momsen was asked by reporters this weekend about her weight -- or lack thereof -- and naturally, she attributes her thin frame to it being natural.

"Not at all," she told reporters Saturday at the Diesel xXx Rock & Roll Circus in Brooklyn, New York. "I mean, I'm just kind of naturally thin. My mom's really thin, and I'm tall. Good genes."

The 5' 8" actress, 15, told reporters she doesn't workout. "I just eat healthy. I walk a lot because I live in New York," she said. "So I try to walk a lot instead of taking cabs. "I should probably start working out or something," she added. "I dance, so I guess that's a full workout. I've been dancing since I was three, so I guess that would be it." (Source)

I love it how these actresses always just happen to be "naturally" skinny. No, it's totally just good genes that my collarbones jut out like the arms of a rocking chair. Just once I would like one of these girls to be like, "What? My weight? Well I attribute that to a healthy regimen of laxatives, cigarettes and coke. Naturally. I've got those "90210" bitches to keep up with, after all." That's what I would I would say, anyway. But I'll also ask a stranger in line at the grocery store if the OTC gas medicine I'm buying works. It's a little quality I like to call "having no shame."

I've dedicated the past two years of my life to try to figure out what the hell Britney was thinking, and as it turns out even she doesn't know. (Yeeeah!)

Eva Mendes hates the comparison to Jennifer Lopez, because she's better than that. Oh snap!! (The Blemish)

Katie Holmes finally connects with her womanly side. (Seriously? OMG!)

Don't expect Ben and Jen to name their kid something like Garbage Disposal Affleck.(Celebitchy)

Creepy kid movies are the best. I wish they could have cryogenically frozen Macaulay Culkin back when he was still useful. (Pajiba)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Celebslam)

Bill Murray is a total chick magnet. (Agent Bedhead)

No really, Madonna is pretty much the biggest asshole in the world. (CelebSmack)

More of Ashley Tisdale at the High School Musical premiere. (usemycomputer)

Even when John Mayer does something genuinely nice he has to pepper it with how much he loves himself. (Lainey Goss)

One of the hoes from "The Hills" who doesn't even make my radar is getting a spin-off. Sorry, Heidi and Spencer! (IBBB)

Besties: (Noun) Slang for "Best Friends."

I thought Miley Cyrus's best friend was that slag she makes all those stupid YouTube clips with, but apparently it's actually Ashley Tisdale, of High School Musical fame. Anyway, to seal their friendship, Miley reportedly bought matching $1,417 Hidalgo horseshow rings for them.

“Miley saw this Hidalgo ring and said to her mom, ‘OMG, I need to get one of these for Ashley,’” a pal of Miley, 15, tells OK!. “She asked to order two — one for her and Ashley because they both collect things with horseshoes on them.” (Source)

Aww, that's actually kind of precious. Sometimes you forget that these are just little girls, and it'll be at least a year or two before they're sharing used condoms and coke straws. (Right now I hear Miley likes to keep her coke straw all to herself.)

Miley goofing around with Pimpy Mouse at the Disneyland Sweet Sixteen party:

Fodder: (Noun) A person or thing regarded only as material for a specific use.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller were reportedly so eager to have a son (Sheen has three daughters with Denise RIchards and a previous girlfriend) that they tried a procedure known as "sperm spinning" to boost their changes.

According to the National Enquirer, the pair paid to have the star's X and Y sperm separated, and Mueller was inseminated with just the Y sperm, giving their chances of having a son an 80 per cent boost.

And a source close to the couple claims it worked. Sheen himself hinted that Mueller is carrying a boy, when he announced her pregnancy in August, by saying, "Brooke informed me two days ago that very soon we'd be producing our own version of Two and a Half Men." (Source)

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's kind of superficial to care if the kid is a boy or a girl. What's really important is that the child eventually be used as leverage to fuel an inevitable, horrifically messy divorce. So if you think about it like that, doesn't really matter what gender your bouncing baby bargaining chip is -- I'm sure a girl can deliver messages to mommy about her being a whore just as good as a boy can.

Denise Richards out with one of Charlie Sheen's other Bargaining Chips:

Loser: (Noun) A person who fails frequently or is generally unsuccessful in life.

As much as I hate Avril Lavigne, I barely ever get a chance to write about her since the rest of the world joined me in realizing she sucks and sent her careening towards obscurity. Apparently one of those people who realized she sucks? Husband Deryck [sic] Whibley.

A source tells the magazine Lavigne and Whibley "have been growing apart for months", adding, "Deryck isn't motivated in his own career, so he's been drinking and partying."

Rumors of their split were fueled when Whibley was reportedly seen at an event on Thursday at a Los Angeles nightclub "huddled at a private table" and holding the hand of an unknown woman. (Source)

Well on the bright side Avril, once you've been abandoned by your husband, fans, Kohl's, relevancy, etc., etc... You know who will always be there for you? That's right: Manic Panic and Secret Cutting.

Avril promoting her shitty Kohl's clothing line last month: (Editor's note: HAHAHA she's totally wearing the same retarded sweatshirt in the header image!)

Calling: (Noun) A strong urge toward a particular way of life or career or vocation.

Lynne Spears went on "The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet" this week to pimp her "It's Not My Fault" book, to talk about (what else?) her daughters and how she hopes they "find purpose in life."

"Something that will really fulfill them and make them grow to their full potential. I want them to feel really good about themselves."

Asked if she wishes her children never were famous, Lynne says, "I don't know. "There are certain things I would do over, of course," she continues. "I always hoped that my children would fulfill their dreams and this was their dream. Certain aspects of their dreams, I would certainly rearrange or change."

But Lynne maintains she is not to blame. "People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did," she says. "I was actually their cheerleader. I have never been their manager, that's never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed." (Source)

So basically, what she's saying is that she wasn't a stage mom, wasn't a manager, but was their assistant? I have no idea how things went wrong. As far as the Spears girls having a "purpose in life," I think it's obvious to pretty much everyone that Jamie Lynn's purpose was a corndog stand down down at the mall and 6.5 more kids... While Britney would probably just be making her big screen debut as Meth Hooker #2 on an episode of "COPS." So I think maybe they're already just "all purposed out" at this point.

Brit Brit all smiles in NYC recently:

Guess who made it into the Top Ten Hollywood Fatty Club? (Pajiba)

Meet the new "Girls Next Door!" Hef is putting his wiener in twins now. (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of things the Hef has put his wiener in, Kendra Wilkinson dishes about cybersex with her new boyfriend. (Celebitchy)

Brad Pitt rubs it in your face that he gets to see her naked whenever. (The Blemish)

It looks like Suri already has more talent than Katie Holmes. (Seriously? OMG!)

Shia Laboooeef is drinking again and is also kind of a jerk. (Best Week Ever)

Russell Crowe completes his transformation into Comic Book Guy. (Ayyyy!)

The Olsen Twins are "neoteny." I dare you to guess what that means. (cityrag)

Breaking! Lindsay Lohan went to the movies. I repeat, went to the movies. (CelebWarship)

Aww... Kirsten Dunst is taking a break from acting. BYE! (BricksAndStones)

Brooke Hogan is going to keep her dick in her pants for now. (POTP)

Hayden Panettiere rocks a tube top. (HQ Celeb)

I wouldn't mind "acting" out a "scene" with Nathan Fillion, if you know what I mean. (Popoholic)

Jealous: (Adjective) Feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements.

Like me, I'm sure you've all been wondering how reality star Tiffany "New York" Pollard took the news of her former "I Love New York 2" manskank Punk (a.k.a. David Otunga) getting engaged to former "American Idol" contestant Jennifer Hudson. The answer is with class and aplomb, naturally. Ohhh, just kidding, like a psycho bitchface as usual.

“He’s really loving being Mr. Jennifer Hudson. I think he’s loving the lavish things she brings to his life, he’s seeing the world due to Jennifer’s success,” Tiffany tells In Touch.

New York’s not optimistic about the couple’s future. “It’s a mixed match, it won’t work,” she says. “He’ll be in her shadow like Al Reynolds was to Star Jones, like Stedman Graham is to Oprah.” (Source)

Honestly, I think she's reading way too much into this. It sounds like this guy was going to catch himself a former reality TV star if he had to tie himself up naked and get trolled through the Los Angeles County Unemployment Office.

Because New York is kind of creepy, J-Hud at the premiere of The Secret Life Of Bees:

Words of Wisdom: (Phrase) Words of advice or guidance.

Paris Hilton spoke to Harper's Bazaar recently about her fake Presidential Campaign. What? Yeah, I know. Just roll with it. At any rate, she had some sage advice for Sarah Palin:

My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend. (Source)

Well, I gotta hand it to her. If anyone knows a wonk-eye will only take you so far, it's Paris Hilton. But why stop at a bikini? Everybody knows the fast track to stardom these days is all about the sex tape. Why break the glass ceiling when you can leave a Cleveland Steamer on it?

After the jump, Presidential Vagina's latest bid for the presidency.

Wasted: (Adjective) Used or expended carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.

In what will probably be the most exciting news for lonely 30-something women since New Kids on the Block got back together -- Brandon Walsh is returning to "90210!" But don't break out the celebratory Chunky Monkey just yet...

Jason Priestley has agreed to do an episode of The CW’s 90210 later this season, but you won’t see him -- he’ll be behind the camera, working as a director. Sources confirm to me exclusively that Priestley will helm this season's 18th episode, which is slated to air this spring. (Source)

Come on now! Under that Grizzly Jack facade are a pair of sideburns just dying to come out. I just know it. This is a bigger missed opportunity than taking Paris Hilton on a hunting trip and shooting a deer.

One more photo of B-Walsh at a 10K race back in August either with a sausage in his pocket or just really happy to see Tiffani Thiessen:

Jerk: (Noun) A contemptibly obnoxious person.

Big tween news! Taylor Swift and the Gay Jonas Brother are totally broken up! Ever the gentleman, Joe kept Taylor's feelings in mind and did it in the most sensitive way possible.

A source tells Us the two - who dated for several months - split in early October. He broke up with her over the phone. Says the insider: "He broke her heart." (Source)

I don't get how she could really be all that surprised. I mean, Exhibit A: Just look at him. Exhibit B: No seriously, look at him. Gay boyfriends will eventually dump you. It's just one of those unfortunate facts of life. Just like you can bring home a subway rat and call it a chihuahua, but one day you're going to wake up with Listeria.

More of Broken Gaydar Mallone and Selena Gomez at the Another Cinderella Story premiere:

Halle Berry has a great libido to thank for popping something the size of a bowling ball out of a hole the size of an apple, which is not nearly as sexy as it sounds. (Yeeeah!)

I give them another week. Two weeks, tops. (Seriously? OMG!)

John McCain is such a classy guy. I bet he totally won't be a sore loser, either! (The Blemish)

Aw, man! Jamie Lynn Spears isn't pregnant again. Bummer. (Celebitchy)

Everybody hates Miley Cyrus! Haw haw! (Celebslam)

The Scientologists think they can fix Amy Winehouse. (Agent Bedhead)

Brooke Hogan is fucking disgusting. (usemycomputer)

Angelina may have had some help losing her baby flab. (popbytes)

Once again Lindsay Lohan goes off cavorting without a brassiere. (Lainey Goss)

What's an even classier automobile statement than Truck Nutz? (omg blog)

If you're not watching "Pushing Daisies" I will personally come to your house and punch you in the face. (Pajiba)

Egomaniac: (Noun) Someone with obsessive egotism or self-centeredness.

On yesterday's "Ellen," Kanye West told Ellen DeGeneres where his musical well draws the sweet water of inspiration from: the dude from American Psycho. Naturally.

"On this album, I kind of embody Patrick Bateman from American Psycho."

"You know at the end of the movie (that) he didn't really kill anyone. (I just liked) the clean aesthetic and the way he was all about labels. I wanted to express all of that in the video." (Source)

So... Kanye West is inspired by masturbatory narcissism and sociopathic fantasizing? Get. Out. I couldn't be any more shocked if you told me Pete Wentz draws his musical inspiration from an old VHS copy of Care Bears: The Movie.

Editor's note: I'm pretty sure those glasses don't even have lenses in them.

American Dildo with fellow egomaniac Stephen Colbert at an Emmys party:

Superfluous: (Adjective) Unnecessary, esp. through being more than enough.

OH. MY. GOD. She did it again. Madonna is so dumb. Just yesterday I reported that she "banned" Sarah Palin from attending her concerts, and last night Madge had even more choice words for the governor. And by "choice words" I mean more incoherent rambling.

During her tune "I Love New York," Madonna told the audience - which included an enthusiastic Diddy, Rosie O'Donnell and designer Michael Kors - "you know who can get off of my street? Sarah Palin! I'm gonna kick her ass if she don't get off of my street!"

She then mocked the Alaska governor's accent, sarcastically telling the crowd, "I love her." (Source)

First of all, I have nothing against making fun of Sarah Palin -- but this isn't about me or the reasons why I want to put her in a rocket and fire it into the sun. It's just embarrassing for people who make fun of Sarah Palin intelligently and cleverly to have Madonna saying that she "can't come to her party" and she's "gonna kick her ass if she don't get off of [her] street." Having said that, I would very much like to see a Madonna/Palin street fight. Madonna vs. Sarah Palin With A Moose-Hunting Rifle; ultimate fighting style, pay-per-view. We could save the economy with the proceeds alone! Who's just a dumb gossip blogger now?

Editor's note: I stopped putting galleries in my Madonna posts because she's fucking creepy and I just don't like looking at her.

Loss: (Noun) The fact or process of losing something or someone.

Jennifer Lopez is the latest celebrity who claims she's totally not a Scientologist but sees no problem whatsoever sending her kids to one of their wackjob schools.

"Yeah," said J.Lo "I wouldn't mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful... It's all about communication. That's the thing I really don't like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion... I just wish that people wouldn't judge it without knowing what it is." (Source)

Oh whatever, J. Lo -- like we all don't know you and Skeletor already have your seats reserved on the mothership via American Express Platinum. But out of all the good celebrities we've lost to Scientology, these two buttholes are the least of my cornerns. I could care less if they succumb to Xenu or get thrown into a big hole filled with poison-dart frogs.

J. Lo dressed like Pollyanna at the ELLE Women in Hollywood event:

Transformation: (Noun) A thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.

You know, I monitor celebrity activity the way some people monitor the stock market or baseball stats. And I do it because I care about you, lovers of celebrity gossip. At any rate, that's why it came as such a surprise to see these pictures. Because when the hell did Eva Longoria turn into the Mexican Delta Burke? I'm sorry, Hispanic Delta Burke. Which is kind of ironic, you know, because I used to watch "Desperate Housewives" for the first couple of seasons, and my boyfriend always used to say, "Are you watching that 'Designing Women" again?" And I'd yell "SHUT UP FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S CALLED DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES." And now it's almost coming true. Coincidence? I don't know about you, but I just got the chills.

I know, I shouldn't make fun. She was at some thing for kids with cancer, so good for her:

True Colors: (Idiom) To reveal oneself as one really is.

Ashlee Simpson reportedly celebrated her 24th birthday this weekend in the same way many college kids celebrate youth and stupidity: with a White Trash Party! Ha ha ha! Because it's ironic, right?

"Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly."

"Joe wore a cut-off muscle T-shirt and a mullet wig. It was funny," says a guest. "Jessica was wearing a crazy leopard-print dress that showed off a lot of cleavage." (Source)

Wow... You know what would have been even better, though? If they had some kind of staged shotgun wedding where the bride was pregnant by her closet gay boyfriend and the vows were read by her dad in the family's backyard. Except that totally already happened and it was called "Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Get Married."

Blindness was bleak, yes... But on the upside? No talking white rats. (Pajiba)

Courtney Love's killer bikini bod is thanks to none other than gastric bypass! (Yeeeah!)

Pink thinks penises are pretty. Try saying that five times fast! (The Blemish)

Betty White has still got it. Damn I love that woman. (Seriously? OMG!)

It was only a matter of time before Heather Mills started her insane ranting again. (Celebitchy)

OMG! Lauren Conrad might totally be a gay! (Best Week Ever)

Catherine Zeta Jones experiences a cosmetic malfunction. (Ayyyy!)

Haha. Avril Lavigne thinks she can avoid naked photos just because she's never done a naked photoshoot. (cityrag)

Brangelina back in NOLA, where the Cheetos® flow like water. (CelebWarship)

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston contemplate a sequel to The Breakup. (BricksAndStones)

Hugh Hefner and Holly Madison are donesies. (POTP)

Salma Hayek commits corset abuse. (Popoholic)

The Beckhams reveal their secret to a happy marriage. Hint: It's not anal! (Rad Report)

Empty Threat: (Phrase) A threat with no real backing, usually just made for effect.

In Madonna Is A Stupid, Irrelevant Turd Who Tries Too Hard News part one billiondey, Madonna made a statement at a New Jersey stop on her "Sticky & Sweet" tour "banning" Sarah Palin from attending any of her concerts. Oooh.

She told the crowd: "Sarah Palin can't come to my party. Sarah Palin can't come to my show. It's nothing personal," before adding, "Here's the sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start," followed by a loud screeching noise. (Source)

I'm sure the governor will be crushed... Because if there's one thing I see when I look at Sarah Palin, it's an inner gay man clawing his way to get out. Maybe Kathy Griffin or Liza Minelli will be a little less discriminating in who attends their performances.

Eww: (Exclamation) Reaction to something disgusting or gross.

And now, for your unintentionally-loaded, vomit-inducing quote of the day. Billy Ray Cyrus on 15-year-old daughter Miley's 20-year-old boyfriend, Justin Gaston:

"He actually reminds me a lot of myself when I was 20-years-old and I was living and searching for the dream." (Source)

I'm sure this resemblance was also fairly noticeable for Miley, as well. In fact, I bet if she closes her eyes, she can barely even tell the difference. If only he'd grow a soulpatch and bathe himself in Royal Copenhagen it'd be damn near perfect.

Ducky Lips and Statutory Rapist McGee on a date recently:

Narcissism: (Noun) Excessive or erotic interest in one's physical appearance.

Mario Lopez celebrated his birthday at the Bellagio in Vegas this past weekend... And out of all the attractive-looking people in this picture, I'll give you one guess which person Mario Lopez wants to kiss most. (Hint: It's the one on the cake.)

Funny Sad: (Phrase) The opposite of "funny ha ha," something which is funny, but not uproariously so as it is still kind of sad at the same time.

It's today's episode of "Those Poor Lohan Kids," Dina Lohan gets reamed the hell out for telling Page Six that she was approached by famed music manager Johnny Wright to take charge of daughter Ali Lohan's music career. Oops!

"Johnny Wright has never met with Ali Lohan, has never been introduced to Ali Lohan, nor has he had a meeting with Ali or Dina Lohan regarding Ali's music career. While he wishes Ali Lohan the best in all her endeavors, Mr. Wright has never had any intention of speaking with Ali Lohan regarding her career. Any story that has surfaced about such a meeting holds no merit and is completely false.

"Wright Entertainment Group has never had any interest or intention of adding Ali Lohan as an artist on the company's roster, which currently includes Justin Timberlake, Jonas Brothers, Janet Jackson and Ciara amongst others." (Source)

What kind of gift says "Sorry Mommy fucked up and humiliated you in front of everyone again?" I'm thinking along the lines of unicorn, but unfortunately the problem with those, as well as record deals, is that saying they exist isn't necessarily enough to make them come true.

Dinasauras with Lindsay at a Dave Matthews charity concert last month:

Discharged: (Verb) To send a patient out of the hospital because they are judged fit to go home.

Hey, great news everybody! David Duchovny is totally cured of his sex addiction!

"David is out of rehab and about to start a new movie," Stein tells PEOPLE. "He successfully completed his treatment." (Source)

That's just great. Really great. I am so happy for him and his family. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go set up an elaborate trail of prophylactics leaving to a big, giant box with a stick underneath. Uhh, no reason, in particular.

Wanna know what I did this weekend? Saw and reviewed Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then, I drank myself into a coma. (Pajiba)

Kim Kardashian has some serious self-esteem issues. (The Blemish)

Runner-up, Jennifer Love Hewitt tries to distance herself from that US Weekly cover. (Celebitchy)

OHMYGODGROSS. Amy Winehouse's nose is literally falling off. (Yeeeah!)

Awww... Widdle Kingston Rossdale wikes to have his picshure taken. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jenny McCarthy got Rickrolled on Oprah. Funnest. Thing. Ever. (Celebslam)

The gay guy and the topless chick from High School Musical are about to put an end their shammy relationship. (Agent Bedhead)

I've got only three words: SUCK IT O.J. (IDLYITW)

Samantha Ronson was ordered to pay $86K to Perezhole. (CelebSmack)

Heidi Klum is dry humping Ronald McDonald. (usemycomputer)

Mickey Mouse goes all Harold and Maude. (popbytes)

I bet you'll never guess who wore 6" stilettos to Build-a-Bear workshop? (Lainey Goss)

Two of "The Hills" skanks are having myspace fights... Again? (IBBB)

Apocalypse: (Noun) The complete final destruction of the world.

I've had my suspicions for awhile now, but I think we're finally coming into the end of days. Yes, Paris Hilton has confirmed that she is, indeed, ready to start breeding.

"I definitely want three or four [children]," she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister's birthday. As for a timeline? "Soon," she said. "Maybe a year or two." (Source)

I'm pretty sure "Vagina of Napalm Bearing Offspring" is one of the final signs of the end of the world, along with plague, pestilence and "Former Beauty Pageant Contestant Clinching Vice Presidential Nom."

More from the Anorexic Hilton Sister's 25th birthday party:

Fancy: (Adjective) Elaborate in structure or decoration.

I think this is both the gayest looking I've ever seen Tom Cruise look and cutest I've ever seen Suri look. I'm so torn right now, I don't know whether to laugh and point or say, "Awwww."

Weak: (Adjective) Severely lacking in coolness; totally lame.

I hate to say this, but I'm afraid Steve Carell has officially jumped the shark. Not only is he posing with Mickey Mouse, but he's posing with Mickey Mouse at Miley Cyrus's Sweet Sixteen Party. Which he seems to have attended without the use of force or life-threatening weaponry. The only way this could possibly be more lame is if he had on a Jonas Brothers T-shirt and was giving the double-thumbs up.

More from Still Not Legal's (!) Birthdaygasm retardibration:

Mocking: (Verb) To mimic someone or something scornfully or contemptuously.

I am kind of in awe of The Hogan Family. Just when you think they can't possibly be any more of low-life asshole scumbags, they always manage to find a way to top their assholishness. And so, because apparently she's already forgotten the dangers of speeding, Linda Hogan was busted for speeding this weekend. I am not making this up.

Bollea was stopped by cops on Friday racing to visit her son Nick at Pinellas County Jail. According to TMZ.com, she was driving over 71 miles per hour in a 55 miles per hour zone, and was fined $206. (Source)

You know, I just don't think these people will be satisfied until they've all gotten a chance to take their turns actually urinating in John Graziano's open head cavity.

What a disgusting hoe-bucket:

Logbook: (Noun) A regular or systematic record of incidents or observations.

Angelina Jolie made her first big post-baby debut this weekend for the premiere of The Changeling, sporting two brand-new baby coordinate tattoos for Knox and Viviene. You know what else I bet that would be great for? Car keys. I'm always losing those damn things.

Editor's note: Why does Brad Pitt always look so much happier when he's with his BFF?

Blowjob Face: (Noun) A facial expression one makes when performing fellatio.

Where have I seen this expression before? Hmmm... I just can't put my finger on it. Oh right: porno. Well that's nice anyway. You know, that once "The Hills" are over and Spencer gets arrested and thrown in prison for child molestation, Heidi Montag totally has something to fall back on. Good for her!

More of Frick and Frack being (what else?) annoying with tacos:

How long has it been since you've actually thought about Yogi Bear? Well great news: he's coming to a theater near you! (Pajiba)

"If you don’t vote, you are probably a homicidal sociopath with cannibalistic tendencies and you should be strapped to a board in a maximum-security prison." (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Simpson does sad/haggard almost as good as Britney. (Ayyyy!)

Not to be confused with pale/haggard like Kirsten Dunst! (usemycomputer)

Mr. Clean died today, which means that dirt has won the war. (The Blemish)

Vice Presidential debates are for suckers. There's a new episode of "Supernatual" on tonight! Wheeeee! (Seriously? OMG!)

Check out Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold's wedding location! (Celebitchy)

WHAT THE FUCK? Not only is this the worst Sarah Plain impression ever, but I think I have that sweater. I would never wear something Sarah Palin would wear. Do you hear me?! NEVER! NOT FUNNY. (Best Week Ever)

I guess Rumer Willis isn't the only one with this problem. (cityrag)

Angelina Jolie is finally figuring out that having six kids is actually kind of a fucking bummer. (CelebWarship)

Yeeeesch. Meliisa Joan Hart went epidural-free. (BricksAndStones)

Shannen Doherty is such a fierce bitch. Here's more from her Paris Hilton bitch-smacking Details interview. (POTP)

Rose McGowan's nipples are even better than the Weather Channel. (Popoholic)

Undeserving: (Adjective) Not deserving or worthy of something positive.

Nick Hogan is getting released from prison on October 21st, and according to Brooke Hogan, the Hogan clan is planning a big, white trash brouhaha to welcome him home.

She says, "For Nick, we will all go together. He wants to see us. It’s not about us, it’s about him."

And Brooke is planning to cook up a feast for her 18-year-old brother once he becomes a free man. She tells Life & Style magazine, "He wants me to cook him everything that exists. Mac and cheese, cheeseburgers, salad, chicken - he’d even eat broccoli if I made it for him. Anything other than jail food.” (Source)

You know what else would be nice? A big layer cake. You know how they can screen photos on the icing now? I'm thinking something in German Chocolate with John Graziano's smashed-in head on it. I bet that's what John would want, anyway -- but I don't think he can eat cake. Something to do with most of his head being missing.

God I hate this stupid transvestite hooker:

Liar: (Noun) A person who tells lies.

Remember how I was just saying how Mr. Landing Strip Face was totally full of shit by claiming he had a Britney Spears sex tape? Well guess what? He totally was! And he's also conveniently forgotten about ever having said anything to the contrary!

“There is no sex tape, and I’ve never claimed there is one,” he said. “I don't know where these quotes I’m supposed to have said have come from. What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false.” The ex-lensman went on to say the sex-tape story distressed him, and he intends to clear his name by taking legal action. (Source)

Oh right. The guy who people only know about because he skeezed all over Britney Spears when she was fat and crazy is going to sue for distress due to tarnishing his good name. That's like a dog shit suing Febreze® Pet Odor Eliminator for insinuating that it's stinky. And most people would still prefer a dog turd over Adnan Ghalib.

A happy Britney free of Adnan stink in NYC yesterday:

Sunny: (Adjective) Of a person or their temperament; cheery and bright.

Every once in awhile I like to take a break from making fun of celebrities I hate and write something about celebrities I like, (of which there are sadly few). Anyway, how great is this? Kaitlin Olson and Rob McElhenney, a.k.a. Sweet Dee and Mac from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" totally got married! Yayz for them! I had no idea they were even together -- but I did know that Charlie and The Waitress were married in real life. How fah-reaking adorable is that? Now all that's left are for Glenn Howerton and Danny DeVito to consummate their love and it will be the perfect trifecta of set romance.

Editor's note: I stole this photo from Rob McElhenney's Myspace. How creepy is that? Sorry, Rob!

Bruised: (Verb) To have hurt someone's feelings or pride.

This would be sad if it weren't so funny. No wait, strike that -- this would never be sad. Anyway, John Mayer has allegedly sworn off women after his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.

“Since his breakup with Jennifer Aniston, he isn’t into anyone,” an insider tells In Touch. Even when the 30-year-old rocker hit NYC hotspot Tenjune on September 16, he only hung out with guys. “Lately, he’s really only spending time with his longtime friends — even some high school pals,” says the insider, adding that they can all be counted on to keep mum about his private life. “He’s always just with the people he can depend on. He’s even calling them his ‘circle of trust.’” (Source)

I guess nothing soothes the sting left by a woman quite like a little quality dude time. You can never underestimate the healing powers of a circle jerk. And a bro who comes through with a beej in your time of need? Is a bro for life.

Editor's Note: Get it? It's because John Mayer is gaaay!

More of Jennifer Aniston not looking particularly devastated in Cabo earlier this week:

Horse's Mouth: (Idiom) Indicates one step better than the inner circle, i.e. the horse itself.

Shannen Doherty is all about the talking now that she's finally back in the spotlight and people care what she has to say again. So what do you think she thought about that whole thing with her ex making a sex tape with Paris Hilton?

"There was something that Rick provided that was amazing to me," the currently single star tells Details. Still, she adds, "I look at what he did [with Hilton] and think, 'God, that's disgusting.'" (Source)

Ha ha ha ha ha! That's the beauty of making fun of Paris Hilton. Literally anyone can do it. I can hold a flashcard of a picture of her face up to my 3-year-old niece and even she can do it. And if you've never heard a small child say "filthy whore" before, let me just tell you how adorable it is. She can't say her TH'es yet so it comes out something like: "Fiffie Hoor." Aren't children just so precious?

More of Fiffie Hoor at some crap she hosted earlier this week:

GOD SIENNA MILLER. Shut up shut up shut up! (Yeeeah!)

Audrina Patridge has a veritable half-dozen of facial expressions. (The Blemish)

Heather Graham shines in a yellow dress. (usemycomputer)

OK... Now this is pretty creepy: celebrity Barbie dolls. (Seriously? OMG!)

Suri Cruise is going to be totally fucked up when she gets older. (Celebitchy)

Heather Locklear was framed! Apparently the culprit was in cahoots with her insanely dilated pupils. (Celebslam)

Clive Owen's face wasn't good enough. (Agent Bedhead)

More of Lindsay Lohan in what appears to be a denim bikini. (popoholic)

Kurt Cobain can't rid himself of crazy bitches, even in death. (Rad Report)

Wax Michael Phelps is even more unattractive than regular Michael Phelps. (popbytes)

Leonardo "Arnie" DiCaprio wants to settle down and have kids. Ladies? The lines forms to the left. (Lainey Goss)

Anne Hathaway is an analytical friend. (omg blog)

The new "Knight Rider" is a quote unquote Fucking Piece of Shit. (Pajiba)

This is totally unrelated to anything, but my sister works in a book store and she informed me that the stupidest customer purchase of the day was Myspace for Dummies. I wonder which chapter "Taking the most flattering downward angle pictures that makes your eyes really big and shows your cleavage" falls under?

Gloater: (Noun) Someone who contemplates or dwells on one's own success or another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure.

George Clooney defended his turn in the horrifically awful pile of horseshit Batman & Robin saying that he had no regrets because it supposedly helped his career.

He says, "I don't regret anything. With hindsight it's easy to look back at Batman and go, 'Woah! that was really s**t, and I was really bad in it'.

"The truth is, Batman is still the biggest break I ever had. It changed my career. I wouldn't be doing this now if it hadn't been for Batman." (Source)

Alicia Silverstone and Chris O'Donnell couldn't be reach for comment, however, because they were preoccupied holding their weekly burning of George Clooney in effigy.

Fail Safe: (Noun) A system or plan that comes into operation in the event of something going wrong or that is there to prevent such an occurrence.

Jennifer Aniston reportedly just shelled out thirty-four grand on two tanning beds after her personal tanning bed died on her. Because God forbid she should be a slightly less brown shade of brown.

"She freaked out because the next day, she had a major photo shoot," recalls a source. "She had to go to a public tanning place. She learned her lesson after that — always have a back-up." (Source)

I actually tried to employ a similar method with boxes of wine; because nothing is more pathetically demeaning than having to pull apart the box, take out the bag, and squeeze the last few drops out of the bag. But then, you know, eventually you make it through the second box and you're left with the same conundrum. So I guess I still need to do some work on that plan.

More of Jennifer doing what she does when she's not laying in a tanning bed:

Suck: (Verb) To be very bad at something.

I don't watch "Dancing with the Stars" and I've never seen a single minute of it. This is probably mostly for reasons that I'm not 48-years-old and dead inside. But if you did happen to catch it last night, you probably already know that Kim Kardashian has been relieved of her duties on the show after only like two weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I should also note that one of the contestants she got beat out by is Cloris Leachman, who at a mere 82 years of age, is apparently a better dancer than Kim Kardashian. How much of a complete and utter failure at life do you have to be to be declared a worse dancer than a senior citizen? At this point, the only thing Kim Kardashian has proven herself to excel at is getting peed on. But I bet Cloris Leachman would even do that better than her. Don't underestimate Cloris, she is one sassy old bitch, and I bet she would take a golden shower like an effing champ.

Then again, maybe the problem was that her partner's outfit just wasn't gay enough:

Nip and Tuck: (Noun) A cosmetic surgical operation.

I know I'm not winning any points with our hetero male readers for constantly making fun of uberbabe Megan Fox. But dammit, every time she starts blibbedy-blabbing about how she's got the sex drive of a teenage boy and so on I just roll my eyes. Like yeah, no shit, if I looked like Megan Fox I'd never want to stop banging either. Anyway, here's her latest epiphany:

The actress, recently voted the sexiest woman in the world by readers of a men's magazine, claims she's a tom boy who loves to play video games and watch sports.

She tells GQ magazine, "That's the upside of dating a woman that's almost a man. She likes the same things that you like, but she has a vagina." (Source)

Then again... Maybe I just haven't been reading enough into this. Sex drive of a teenage boy? A man with a vagina? In some parts, we call that a "post-oppie." Now I feel just awful. How totally, totally insensitive of me not to have picked up on the clues sooner.

More of Vinegar Farts McGee at the Eagle Eye premiere with Shia LaBoofey. You know she couldn't have worn this dress before the operation without like an entire roll of duct tape:

Mommie Dearest: (Pop Culture Reference) Used to refer to any kind of ridiculously bad parenting based on Joan Crawford's character in the titular film.

Details of Sharon Stone's custody battle over her 8-year-old son are coming out, and it turns out her parenting skills are somewhat... Untraditional. Oh, here's a quick example: she wanted to botox her kid's feet.

"Another example of an overreaction is that [Stone] suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor," the San Francisco Superior Court judge wrote.

The judge said Bronstein had a more "simple and common sense approach" to Roan's problem: he made sure he "wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant" to avoid "any invasive procedure on this young child." (Source)

Who are we to judge anyone else's parenting methods? You know, I happened to be severely pigeon-toed growing up, and maybe if my parents would have shelled out for some surgery where they like cut my shins off at the knees and reattached them or some shit, I could have been spared nicknames like "Bowlegged Freak." Maybe Sharon was just trying to spare her poor son from names like Stinky Pete and Skunk Foot.

More of Sharon and her like eighteen-year-old boyfriend a month ago: