Don't be so sad Lara, at least you still have that fabulous figure to fall back on! (Yeeeah!)

I think it's safe to say that Sinead O'Connor would be asked back to SNL before Ashlee Simpson. (CelebritySmack)

See Paris. See Paris Run. See Paris Fall on her stupid ass! (The Blemish)

Lindsay's dad wishes she would "get back to more of the kind of films that led to her success." Uh, that's great, but The Parent Trap was like 10 years and three rehabs ago. (Celebitchy)

Audrina Patridge dresses like one of The Pussycat Whores, and also as one of The Village People, I think. (Popoholic)

Amy Winehouse's husband gets a jailhouse beating. (CelebWarship)

Wait, is Heath Ledger's love child a young Michael Jackson? (IDLYITW)

Vanilla Ice, or "The Original K Fed," as I like to call him, is still doing it up. (Seriously? OMG!)

Does Janice Dickinson have a happy trail?! (Celebslam)

Famished (Adjective) Extremely or very hungry; to cause to starve to death.

Late Friday afternoon, after the WIMB staff had already retired to a cool spot in a bar underneath a table to hide from the hangover monster, old pictures of George Clooney's current girlfriend, Sarah Larson, began to surface. Before Larson met Clooney and acquired a temporary Wikipedia page (which will likely only exist until her relationship with Clooney ends), she was a part-time model, a "Fear Factor" contestant, and a Vegas cocktail waitress who was paid to "entertain" guests at the Palms Casino.

And from the looks of the photo above, Clooney came along in the nick of time. That poor girl was famished -- look at her! She'd resorted to eating magazines. Darling: There's no nutritional value in those, you know?

I hope George got you a nice sandwich and some fries -- a good-looking woman like that oughtn't have to sustain herself on glossy paper.








 

Cinch: (Verb) Secure a garment with a belt.

Hey Janet, you go girl! Show the world that circulation and breathing are for suckers. Suckers and fat people, anyway. It's like my mom used to tell me, there's no better way of dealing with unsightly flab than just cinching the ever loving hell out of it. That's of course after you've spent a month chasing everything you eat with a couple of expertly placed fingers down the old esophagus. Because, you know a belt can only do so much.

More of Fatty Beltbuckle at the Kid's Choice Awards:

F*ckwit (Noun) A person who is not only lacking in clue but is apparently unable or unwilling to acquire clue even when handed it on a plate in generous portions.

The big non-story of the weekend involved reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tasted impermanent wedded bliss, finally making their litter of children legitimate. But, as it turned out, Star Magazine neglected to remove their head from their ass before doing the research on the story. A few hours after Star reported the news, both People and Us Magazine called the tabloid on its bullshit.

But, here's the facet of the story that intrigued me most: Perez Hilton, the Latino communities most popular genetic accident, first reported the story as true, then -- a few hours later -- jumped on the bullshit bandwagon, writing:

You should have investigated the story fully and thoroughly until you were sure you had it 100% right.(Source)

Well, if that ain't calling the kettle an anal abortion: Perez (fucking) Hilton taking issue with Star Magazine's journalistic standards? Fuck me. This coming from the man who reported last August -- before the Associated Press, before CNN or Fox News -- that Fidel Castro had died. In fact, Perez "stood behind his story 100%" (for the assnuts who might have found their way here via Perez Hilton, Fidel is still alive).

I guess that makes Perez a 100 percent fuckwit.

Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma (Syllables) The sound you hear in Harry Mendolsohn's score of the original Friday the 13th, in the final reel. The "Ki" is short of Kill, and the "Ma" is short for Mommy.

Derek Mears, that handsome feller above, is in final negotiations to play Jason Voorhies in the remake of Friday the 13th. Ummmm ... I don't think he'll need a hockey mask to terrify audiences. Jesus Christ! That's a guy you don't want to bunk with in prison; he could scare the shit out of colostomy bag.

Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma.

Megalomaniac: (Noun) A person who suffers delusions of their own power or importance.

There are certain films exemplary of American culture, of which it goes without saying that bear no need for improvement. Gone With the Wind. Citizen Cane. Weekend at Bernie's. Casablanca. Oh, hang on... Scratch that last one.

Madonna has stunned the movie industry with plans to remake Casablanca - and this time set it in Iraq. A source at a major Hollywood studio that was recently approached by the 49-year-old star said: "She is still determined to make it in the movies.

The source said: "Madonna is talking about taking the Ingrid Bergman role for herself, even though Bergman was in her 20s when she played Ilsa and Madonna is nearly 50. (Source)

For the love of everything holy. Madonna is even more of an evil megalomaniacal bitch than I ever gave her credit for. Oh sure, why can't Ilsa and Rick be played by S&M granny and her eunuch husband? I'm sure the writers pretty much had that in mind anyway, but Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman were just like, the best they could do on short notice. Whatever. I just hope they film on location and the memo goes out to the insurgents that "stupid white American bitch in town."

Stupid white bitch and her bitch on their fake PR date earlier this month:

We are sad to report today that Joshua Jackson, former star of "Dawson's Creek" and the box-office smash, Skulls, has passed away. News reports indicate that he died of neglect.

Oh, Pacey: We hardly knew you. And then we completely forgot about you. And then you died.

Atheist (Noun) Refers to persons not inclined toward religious belief or a particular form of religious belief. An atheist is one who denies the existence of a deity or of divine beings.

Nickelodeon's Kid's Choice Awards happened over the weekend, the 21st year in which major celebrities pandered to little kids by putting aside their cocktails and standing under streams of green slime, though I doubt any of the snot-nosed brats in the audience even knew where the green slime originated (if you said "Double Dare," you'd be wrong, asswipe; it's "You Can't Do That on Television," a real kid's television show).

Anyway, back to the Kid's Choice Awards: The big winner of the night was Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, who won for best female singer and best female actress. In true Hollywood style, Miley even thanked "my lord and savior Jesus Christ" for the wins. And if, in fact, her lord and savior Jesus Christ is responsible for her inexplicable success, then I'd like to reconfirm my belief in no God, for if God truly did exist, he wouldn't inflict this devil-spawn on to today's youth, ensuring future generations of NASCAR Idiots and Soccer Bimbos.

More pandering from the Kid's Choice Awards below:

Idiot Parent: A very stupid person with kid(s) liable to further compound stupidity.

Sarah Jessica Parker told reporters this weekend that her son, James Wilkie Broderick, is a staunch Barack Obama supporter. Oh yeah, did I mention that her son is five?

"He's really, truly into this election," she says of her little guy's interests. "He's come to this conclusion on his own based specifically on Barack's gender. It's that deep. He's a fan and a true supporter of Barack Obama." (Source)

Sarah, I'm totally sure that your five year old son is not only conscious of the intricacies of the American political system, but able to form a nuanced opinion based on the current partisan landscape. But you know, you might want to keep that shit to yourself or else people might start thinking you're some kind of deluded Hollywood idiot parent who thinks her kid shits out gold doubloons. Which are Spanish in origin, but I probably don't need to tell little James Wilkie that.

5. Shutter (Weekend: $5.3 million; Total: $19 million): With the box-office down precipitously from the same week last year (when Blades of Glory topped the charts with $33 million), box-office analyst -- in an effort to ease studio jitters -- took a page from the world of Wall Street and actually made up a movie title to round out the week's top five. Inspired by Enron, box-office analyst invented Shutter, which is purportedly based on a J-Horror movie and stars Joshua Jackson (who is actually dead). On news that the fictional movie held on to fifth place in its second week of release, shares of 20th Century Fox's parent company, News Corp, shot up 12 percent and gullible soon-to-be-retirees across the country sunk their entire 401(k)s into the company's stock.

4. Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns (Weekend: $7.6 million; Total: $33 million): And speaking of frauds, the big news over the weekend was that the L.A. Times crack investigative team, embarrassed about the Tupac hoax perpetrated on them last week, doubled down and came up with the scoop of the year: Tyler Perry is actually a white man (real name: Dan Whitney) who has been posing as an African-American and mass-producing urban melodramas using a formula he picked up at the University of Phoenix to cater to the largest segment of the African-American population. When Whitney is not posing as Tyler Perry, he wears loose blue jeans and camouflage hats and mangles the English language with his catchphrase, "Git-R-Done."

The top three films of the week, after the jump ...

Audrina Patridge loves herself some pork fried rice! (The Blemish)

Rainbow Killer goes for a little sail! (usemycomputer)

Petra Nemcova pulls off goth much better than *cough* some people *cough.* (Popoholic)

OH MY GOD it's Corky from "Life Goes On!!!!" LOVE! (Seriously? OMG!)

Meet the other end of the spectrum of Spitzer's insatiable craving for whore. (Yeeeah!)

Seriously though, keep your damn kids away from Paris Hilton. (Ayyyy!)

Kirsten Dunst out of rehab, still pale and trashy. (POTP)

Stupid Olsens. How can you bicker over money when you have more of it than God?! (Popbytes)

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett arrested on rape charges. I guess this will put a kink into any future VH1 Celebreality dating show plans. (Celebitchy)

Is Mena Suvari preggers with that punk-ass boyfriend of hers' kid? (Evil Beet)

Superhero Movie: about as entertaining as the 80th email forward of "funny cats" from Uncle Frank. (Pajiba)

Winehouse Face (Noun) After prolonged use of crystal meth, when a person's face looks like someone chewed it up then spit it back out, or when a meth users face looks like an old chew toy because of scabbing and scarring due to picking at their skin in reaction to crank bugs.

Inspired by the meth-and-crater visage of Amy Winehouse, a site called Worth1000 (via The Daily Mail) has doctored a gallery of photos to give the same effect to a variety of celebrities and the winehoused-faced results are pretty amusing, particularly for fans of Romero.

Totally Straight: (Adjective) 100% without a doubt heterosexual.

JC Chasez recently denied rumors that he and "Gossip Girl" star Chace Crawford had gone gay together. Chasez says:

"For the record, we're both straight. We're not dating. The only time people usually see us together is in some type of photograph, so they just assume that it's like that." (Source)

Seriously though, how could anyone think that this raging hunk of testosterone is anything other than totally straight? The only way he could be less gay is if he were holding a six-pack of Budweiser and a stack of titty mags in those outstretched hands of his.

At the finale of "Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew:"

Say Cheese: Colloquial. Expression used by photographers to elicit smiles in their targets. When you say the word, the cheeks tend to lift, the corners of the mouth tend to turn up, and the teeth tend to show.

For reasons that don't make a lot of sense to me, I have to come in every few weeks and remind some unappreciative celebrity asshole of their place in this world: Like, Michael Stipe, Channing Tatum, and Jared Leto, Danny Masterson has now fallen prey to this weird inability to smile for the camera. It's a celebrity epidemic.

I mean, come on: You're a celebrity. You make millions of dollars for, essentially, pretending to be someone else. And Masterson ought to be extra thankful: He's got five films that have either been completed or are in post-production. 2008 is gonna be the year of Danny.

And still: The man can't say cheese when a photog walks by, at a charity event, that he chose to be a part of. Come on, Danny. Say cheese, motherfucker. Give us a smile, asshole. It won't kill you, dude. Just curl those lips in an upward direction, show some teeth, and arch those eyebrows a bit. It's pretty easy, fella. And it will magically release all the tension in the room.

 

Sensitive: (Adjective) (Of a person or a person's behavior) having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.

John Mayer has decided to stop using his blog for douchebaggery and instead to impart some of his profound wisdom and sensitivity on the world, with a new entry titled "From the Heart..." Here's a snippet:

What I'm about to write isn't about fame or success or celebrity or the media. That's my business. This is about us all. This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.

This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."

Well, I think we all know who that girl is, and her name is John Mayer. And I think John Mayer really does "give a f*ck" what we think about her, doesn't she John? So when she takes all these photos, but the one she's happy with looks "nothing like her" -- maybe what you're really saying is that behind this douchey "facade," if you will, is just a scared, sensitive little girl who only wants to be loved?

Yeah, I took introductory psych in college, so I'm pretty much an expert when it comes to these kind of things.

Sleep Regression (Noun) Several points in an infant's early development, usually around 4, 8, and 18 months of age, in which the child develops sleeping difficulties, wakes frequently and sleeps fitfully, often in erratic spurts. 

A lot of folks have seen the pictures of "Grey's Anatomy's" Justin Chambers (obtained by Star Magazine) and thought: Here's a guy dangerously close to rehab. People see the photos and just assume he's completely shitfaced.

But here's the thing: He is a father of five. That means, collectively, he's gone through at least 15 months dealing with his children's sleep regression. Do you know what happens when your baby can't sleep? You can't sleep. And when you have five kids at home, sometimes a bar is the quietest place around.

Believe me, right about now I'd kill for a nice bar with Dire Straits blaring on the jukebox. I'd sleep for days. And no stalkerazzi douchebag with a flash could stir me from my slumber.

(As for the picture with the strange woman -- you're on your own, Justin.)

 

Undead: (Noun) The body of a dead person given the semblance of life by a supernatural force, but mute and will-less, such as a zombie.

Well I hope you're all fricking happy -- with your fancy drugs, nuclear power and death metal. We all knew this day would come one way or another. Yes, the zombie revolution is finally upon us. Here is one of the first images of the undead to be captured by a photographer over in London, England, shortly before he was mauled to death. It's only a matter of time before this epidemic makes it over to the States, so the next time you see me I'll probably be banging into walls like a Roomba and muttering something about brains.

Through the power of rainbow magic, Mariah Carey just sprouted ten extra inches of leg. (Yeeeah!)

Tyra Banks to eat models, destroy reality show. (IDLYITW)

It looks like Nicole Kidman's baby bump is trying to back its way out the wrong end. (Just Jared)

Somebody needs a little more skirt -- that ass don't cover itself, you know? (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand ... (The Blemish)

Fact: The uglier you are, the happier your marriage. (Celebitchy)

Cloth diapers or disposable? Either way, it's a shitty situation. (Offsprung)

Because Ms. Graham simply doesn't get enough attention. (I Don't Want Your Life)

Pam Anderson shows off her totally free leech treatment. (Rad Report)

The Tits (Slang) Outstanding; the best, desirable; fabulous.

Here is the reason why Jack Nicholson is the coolest motherfucker on the planet: He doesn't give a shit. The man is The Tits. While other celebrities are getting plastic surgery and liposuction, Jack airs out his B-cups for all the world to see, and says with that trademark Nicholson grin: "You don't like what you see? Then go fuck yourself. I'm Jack Nicholson. Who the fuck are you?"

And that's why, even at 71 years of age, Jack gets more ass than a Kardashian buffet. It's Jack's world, motherfuckers -- we're just leasing the space.

 

Precious: (Adjective) Dear, beloved or darling; as in a child.

Awww! How totally precious is this? Little Miss Sunshine herself, Abigail Breslin, has been inducted into the Girl Scouts of America. Yes. This is very, very cute.

Still... It doesn't mean I won't slam the door in her fucking face if she comes knocking with any of those goddamn low-fat lemon cookies. Ba-arf. It's all about the Samoas, baby! You remember that if you want to stay on my good side.

King Burger or Ronald McDonald?

Me: I'd be all over King Burger like cinnamon on a bun. I'd slather him in condiments and have that man's burger babies.

Who? (Pronoun) What or which person or people, as in: who the fuck is that?

In other divorce news, Kimora Lee Simmons filed for divorce from her estranged husband, hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons. Wait, who?? Kimora told reporters recently:

"I'm in the paper every single week - that I had a fight with my ex-husband, or that I was mad at one of his girlfriends, or that I'm pregnant, or that I demand Fiji water … Lies upon lies upon lies." (Source)

Back up a second. As a gossip blogger, it's kind of my job to care and report on these things, and I'm just figuring out now who the hell Kimora Lee Simmons is. But even then, I still don't know why she is. Maybe it would help if she started waving her meat curtains all over the place, or released a sex tape or really bad music video. Hey, it worked work Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag. I don't even have to google "Kardashian" anymore to figure out how to spell it!

More of Kimora at the launch of her fragrance earlier this month. Wait, she has a fragrance??

Taylor Roll'd (Internet Prank) Created in opposition to the sexist, paternalistic Internet prank, Rick Roll'd, Taylor Rolling is an internet spam trick in which people post a link to a Taylor Dayne video on YouTube, but say the viewers are being led to another video, usually unconfirmed gaming news or trailers.

Holy Shit! Did you see the new trailer for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants sequel? It's unbelievable -- America Ferrara goes down on Alexis Bledel in front of a cancer-striken child. Click Here!!!  Quick, before they yank it.

Overdue: (Adjective) Not having happened or been done, though after the expected time.

Robin Williams's wife, Marsha Garces Williams, has filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage citing the ever popular irreconcilable differences. The couple have two children together; an 18-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son.

All I can say is: Daaamn, you know that shit was overdue. I'd have to wager six months with Cap'n A.D.D. would be enough to send most women over the brink. My only advice to Marsha? Beware of Scottish-speaking housekeepers who inexplicably show up at your doorstep looking for work.

The good news is that Dr. Pepper is going to give everyone in America free Dr. Pepper if GNR releases their album this year. The bad news is that they'll probably be unloading backstock of their chocolate flavored shit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Brooke Burke is in competition with Britney for "World's Worst Mother." (IDLYITW)

The Katie-bot goes into self-destruct mode. (The Blemish)

So Obama is related to Brad Pitt and Hill is related to Angelina? Gotta make for some awkward dinner conversation. (PrettyOnTheOutside)

I think Jessica Simpson finally snapped. (CelebWarship)

The first rule of Britney Spears is don't talk about Britney Spears. (Yeeeah!)

Hey! It's the Romy half of "Romy and Michelle!" (usemycomputer)

Wait a sec... So are we still talking about Knut, here? (Agent Bedhead)

Ashley Tisdale promises never to get any more plastic surgery and I promise never to
give a crap about Ashley Tisdale. (HollywoodRag)

Secretary is about more than just a "dude who gets his rocks off by spanking his secretary." (Pajiba)

Richie Sambora, arrested for DUI, bad hair.

Au Naturel (Adjective) In a natural state, pristine, unadulterated. Not wearing make-up, fresh-faced.

Normally, we here at WIMB like to shy away from the no make-up photos we see of celebrities, because we know what a shitstorm they invite (yes, yes! We know! God forbid a celebrity leave her house without six inches of pancake makeup!). But, when Eva Longoria makes a statement like this, karmic forces are at play, and the world must send a small, gentle reminder to the "Desperate Housewives" star that, really, she's not all that:

“I eat more than anyone I have ever seen. I eat M&Ms, cake and chips, but I’m still skinny. It drives the other girls mad. I can eat anything and never get fat.”

You're certainly not fat, Ms. Longoria. Far from it. But without 47 layers of cosmetics, a soft-focus lens, and a little airbrushing, I'd be hard-pressed to call you a natural beauty. I'm happy to hear that you're able to eat what you'd like, when you'd like, but best not to rub it in, honey, lest you wake up one morning with a piehole stuffed with guacamole and arsenic, compliments of those mad "other girls."

No Shit Sherlock: (Colloquial) A sarcastic phrase used towards someone who states the obvious.

In an online poll conducted by AOL, Larry King has been found to be the least sexy talk show host. Uh, no shit, sherlock? Maybe next the think tank over at AOL can conduct a poll to see what color the sky is or how farts smell.

O-Face (Noun) A term used to refer to the look one's face makes when achieving orgasm. 

... everyone has one. 

Shotgun Wedding: (Noun) An enforced or hurried wedding, esp. because the bride is pregnant.

Hoo boy! It looks like the Spears clan is fixin for a good old, down-home, Southern shotgun wedding -- as 16-year-old mother to be, Jamie Lynn Spears has reportedly been showing off a brand new engagement ring.

My advice for Casey Aldridge, the presumably thrilled young groom? Don't even think about running. Seriously, dude. I'm guessing these Spears people take their shotgun weddings very seriously. And if Britney's holding the shotgun? Well, she might even take out one of your knees just for the sport of it.

Leathering (Adjective) Made of, relating to, or resembling a dressed or tanned animal hide.

Damn, Lindsay: Don't you know fair-skinned red-headed girls ought to stay out of the sun? That tanning bed ain't doing no favors to your skin: You have the same healthy glow of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder under a heat lamp. Look what's happened to you since Mean Girls, a mere four years ago -- you're leathering up like a car seat in desperate need of some ArmorAll.

In fact, we here at WIMB were able to take the old photo of her on the left, compare it with a recent photo on the right, and run it through sophisticated age-progression software and come up with what Lindsay Lohan will look like by the time she's 33. The surprising results are after the jump.


   

Accident: (Noun) An unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury.

Radar magazine, in an apparent attempt to derail any credibility they might possess, have given Heidi Montag's boyfriend/obedience trainer, Spencer Pratt, an advice column called "YO SPENCER!" In the first column? Dear Spencer gives advice to a young woman who done pissed the bed of a guy she was dating. His verdict?

... if the guy's really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn't count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you've ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it'll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

Maybe it would have helped more if he relayed on how he handles it when Heidi has a little accident. Usually rubbing her nose in it, swatting her with a rolled up newspaper and telling her, "Bad! Bad Heidi" does the trick, from what I understand.

Dumb & Dumber's retardical Easter festivities last weekend:

The latest chapter in: Things I've Seen at the Gym. (Pretty on the Outside)

Lindsay Lohan marshals evidence of sex tape via false accusation. Moved by apathy, Earth titles on axis. (The Blemish)

Priscilla Presley attributes her stunning new look to auto lubricant. (Yeeeah!)

Oprah Winfrey is not a lesbian; she just really likes women. (Celebitchy)

Wanna know how to eliminate the chemicals from your child's urine? I thought you might. (Offsprung)

Showing signs of desperation in the field of stalkerism, Tyra Banks gets her own. (Celebslam)

Renee Zellwegger might want to look into a non-glare complexion. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

George Clooney exchanges square jaws with Gary Marshall. (Ayyyy!)

Pamela Anderson's latest marriage, like her intellect, is now null and void. (Celebrity Smack)

Battlestar Galactagasm (Noun) A fun little word I made up for an excuse to post the "BG" cover on April's GQ magazine. I'm not really feeling the pics, but it's nice to see the show get some mainstream magazine love.

Screwed: (Adjective) The state of being in a position that is a result of a serious problem or bad situation that seems impossible to solve/get out of.

Well, it's finally happened. The family of Iraq war veteran John Graziano have sued the Hogans for the accident that took place last August, which left Nick Hogan's passenger Graziano vegetablized. The civil suit was not only filed against Nick, but also against Linda and Hulk (Terry Bollea) Hogan for allegedly encouraging their son's reckless behavior and providing the underaged Nick with alcohol on the day of the accident.

Oh yeah: the Hogans? Are so screwed. I hope the Graziano family takes them for every last fucking penny to their name. You know what else would be awesome? If they were forced to star in a brand new reality show just to pay the family back -- one which would ideally be two parts "Fear Factor," one part "Double Dare" and involve copious amount of human shit.

Circle Block (Verb) In social situations, when two or more people of a higher level of cleverness attempt to alienate a person of lesser coolness without creating an awkward scene, they often form a loose circle or huddle together, turning their back on the lesser person in the hopes that he or she gets the clue and leaves. Lesser person, often known as a hanger-on, often ignores obvious clues and obnoxiously inches closer while serving up a wan smile.

 

I Don't Get It (Colloquial) Expression used when a listener fails to understand a joke that is otherwise easily understandable by anyone. Phrase has a tendency to kill a humorous moment, as explanation either fails to elucidate listener or otherwise changes gleeful atmosphere. Sentiment can be expressed nonverbally with wan smile.

Evil Eye: (Noun) A profoundly immoral and malevolent look, embodying or associated with the forces of the devil, thought capable of inflicting injury or bad luck on the person at whom it is directed.

After Rumer Willis finally reads what the gossip blogs have been saying about her and goes into hiding, Bin Laden style -- here's a preview of the next Moore/Willis spawn we'll have to contend with: Tallulah Belle.

Now Tallulah Belle is only 14, so it would probably be uncouth of me to make fun of her ... However, is it just me or does she look kind of, um, devilish? Yeah. I've seen The Omen like, four times and I think I know evil eyes when I sees 'em. So I'm definitely not gonna be starting any shit with something that can only be killed with the seven daggers of Meggado.

Frisk. Verb. Refers to a security search -- or a pat down -- in which a police officer searches for drugs or other contraband on a person's body.

What is Amy Winehouse doing in this photo?

1) Attempting shake off a loose piece of stool?

2) Trying to scratch an itch on her inner butt cheek without using her fingers?

3) Practicing her "frisk" maneuver?

4) Simulating her "backdoor" pose?

5) Trying to hold the Earth still with her feet?

Goth-tard: (Noun) Member of a subculture favoring black clothing, white and black makeup, and goth music; frequently the target of bullying due to ridiculous appearance.

Wow, nice eyeliner, Jared! Looks like you're getting pretty good at putting that on by yourself. But you know, the goth-tard look wouldn't be complete without some tighty-whities bunched up out of the back of your pants after having received "the ultimate wedgie." Maybe you ought to go find some jocks to help you out with that.

More of Jared Leto playing with his crizappy band at My Coke Fest last weekend:

One of my favorite actors and someone I don't give two shits about together in one tittilating photo spread! (IDLYITW)

John Mayer may be a huge douchetool, but at least he's a self-effacing douchetool. (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

The Pitts are giving away $8 million to charity, but it still won't alleviate the guilt. I think you know what I'm talking about, don't you Brad? (Yeeeah!)

A certain Captain Swarthy has gotten a little overzealous in his love of Kate Beckinsale. (The Blemish)

Velvet Revolver looks to be breaking up -- but don't blame Scott Weiland; the man never cancels a tour no matter how many drugs he ingests. (Celebrity Smack)

Who'd have thought Britney Spears was worth punching a man unconscious? (Celebitchy)

A handy-dandy parent's guide to safe kid's toiletries. (Offsprung)

With only nine months left in the shopping season, it's time to start asking yourself: What would Jesus Buy for Christmas? (Pajiba)

A comedy blog breaks news: Cheney out as Veep; Condi in. (Comedy Central Blog)

Malthusian Catastrophe (Economic fear) Refers to a return to subsistence-level conditions as a result of agricultural (or, in later formulations, economic) production being eventually outstripped by growth in population.

Every few years, a few economists start running figures and raise new fears of a Malthusian Catastrophe. The latest fears have been inspired by an article in the Wall Street Journal, which portends a lasting shifting in demand as of yet unmet by rising supply. In other words, as population grows and people eat more and get fatter, the Earth's ability to meet the demand is called into question, raising fears that we're all hurtling toward starvation.

Well, I have a novel solution -- a way to solve the world's impending agricultural crisis: Sacrifice Perez Hilton.The benefits are twofold: 1) It dramatically decreases the pressure on demand, as the world would no longer have a bottom feeder in the food chain sucking up all the high-fat content, and 2) by converting Perez into something edible, we can dramatically increase the world's supply of low-end food (you can just convert him into food court Chinese food and no one would know the difference).

Crisis averted!

Baby Bling: (Noun) Expensive, ostentatious baby having, or the accessorising of babies.

That Diddy is such a fucking pimp, he even has matching babies. I heard he had them genetically customized for him in a top secret laboratory that caters to rap moguls, and specializes in baby bling. Although, I hear they also make a mean two-headed pit bull.

Fozzy the Bear (Muppet) A fictional character, originally created by Jim Henson as a member of The Muppets. He is an orange, fuzzy Muppet bear who tells bad jokes and ends each joke with his catch phrase "Wocka Wocka Wocka."

Ashley Tisdale, recording artist and star of Disney's High School Musical, recently joined the legions of other Hollywood celebrity females by giving birth to a beautiful baby boy, Maui. WIMB has obtained this exclusive photo of Ashley with her darling little newborn. Isn't he adorable! Congratulations to Ashley and the baby's father, Fozzy the Bear. Wocka! Wocka! Wocka!

Bromos: (Noun) Delightful mishmash of the words "brother" and "homo."

Well now! Would you look at this rag tag band of rapscallions! The Jonas Bromos look like they should be panhandling for porridge or selling newspapers on the street corner rather than wetting the panties of gaggles of preteen girls. Or maybe it just goes to show that I'm getting old, since I no longer understand the sexual appeal of dudes who look like gay newsies.

Lead Paint (Noun) Paint containing lead, a heavy metal that is used as pigment. Although lead improves paint performance, it's a dangerous substance, especially damaging to young children whose bodies are still developing. Lead causes nervous system damage, hearing loss, stunted growth, and delayed development. It can cause kidney damage and affects every organ system of the body.

If you'd been wondering why your child has been twitching madly at Hannah Montana concerts and dancing like Elaine Benes at a disco bar mitvah, scientists may have discovered the reason why:

Testing by the Center for Environmental Health in Oakland, Calif., found that some of the "Montana" items for sale at Toys R' Us, Wal-Mart and Target had high levels of lead, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Saturday.

Among the items found with the increased lead levels were vinyl backpacks and purses, along with a vinyl wallet and other items based on the popular children's TV series. (Source)

How's that for a chicken-and-egg phenomenon: Does Hannah Montana cause stunted growth and slow development in children or are slow developing, stunted children naturally drawn toward Hannah Montana? We may never know the answer. I just hope that the Hannah Montana inflatable, transgendered sex dolls are lead free.

Big Man: (Noun) One who does or has done something that makes them feel superior to others, or very good about themselves; even though their accomplishment doesn't really mean anything.

Kevin Federline, who is famous solely for infiltrating Britney Spears' vagina, celebrated his 30th birthday with a party at Pure Nightclub this weekend like someone who is deservedly famous for some valid reason.

Throughout the night, Federline and his group sang along to tunes by Jay-Z, Kanye West and other hip-hop artists. At one point, the deejay played Federline's own "Lose Control," a song familiar to the club considering its music video was shot there in 2006. Close to midnight, Federline danced on the couch at his table and held up a California license plate that read "FDRLINE", all while drinking Jack Daniels. (Source)

Oooh, Big Man! I just hope no one forgot to bring his Burger King crown. That'd have been a real shame.

Paris Hilton is the new goodwill ambassador of my ass! (Yeeeah!)

Oh my God! Look how totally adorable Amy Winehouse is! And yes, that's the first and last time you'll hear me say that. (Seriously? OMG!)

More of Cordelia -- I mean, Charisma Carpenter -- from last night's Paley Fest reunion. (usemycomputer)

Pete Wentz cross-dressing? That's the most shocking news since Stipey came out. (The Blemish)

Angelina Jolie looks like a badass in her upcoming movie. (popbytes)

My black little heart can't help be warmed by the Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey. (Celebrity Smack)

Kevin Spacey finally apologizes for cutting off Gwyneth Paltrow's head. (Agent Bedhead)

Lil Lohan is already fucking her face up with plastic surgery. (Celebslam)

This is the best verbal bitch smack I've heard of anyone in a long time, and fortunately it just happens to be of Morgan Spurlock. (Pajiba)

Seraphic (Adjective) Having a sweet nature befitting an angel or cherub. 

You win, Judy Greer! You win! I didn't think you could get any more seraphic, but apparently, by holding a puppy, you can! You're killing me.

Adorable. Just plain adorable.

Fangirl: (Noun) A female who has overstepped the line between healthy fandom and indecent obsession; typically with actors or fictional characters.

Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! The entire cast of "Buffy" -- reunited for the first time ever! Deep breaths, deep breaths. What me, fangirl? Don't be ridic. It's just a stupid TV show, right? Hang on a sec... (counts) Wait a damn minute! Where the fuck is Willow Rosenberg?! What, is Alyson Hannigan "too good" for Buffy now that she's got her new show? The nerve of that bitch! WHAT?! Eff you, I said I wasn't a fangirl already!

Delusional (Adjective) A fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

 

A delusional and probably high Pauly Shore finally had his Michael Richards’ moment this week, claiming that if he were black, he’d be a successful comedian. He claims that his comedy is on the same level as several other black comedians (Kat Williams, D.L. Hughley, Martin Lawrence, Cedric the Entertainer, Charlie Murphy) but that, because he’s white, he can’t get work. “White people are screwed … white people are going to be picking cotton literally within three years,” he said.

 

Well, take heart, buuuuuddy: Maybe you’ll get invited on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour now, and you can make a fortune capitalizing on racist stereotypes. Or better yet: Maybe one of those funny black guys will beat the holy living hell out of you, shitbird.

 

The full video of Pauly’s dipshit statements, after the jump.

Attention Whore: (Noun) A person who craves (negative or positive) attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it.

If you haven't heard by now, Tori Spelling is clamoring to be in the new 90210 remake like a Corey to a direct-to-DVD vampire movie sequel. But if you think she's doing it because she's a fame-seeking attention whore, that's where you're wrong. Nope, her intentions are purely selfless.

"My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above!" Spelling, 34, tells PEOPLE, referring to her father, the show's producer Aaron Spelling. "And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!" (Source)

I don't know Tori, I think you already made your father proud enough when you wrote in your new book about how your mom cheated on him while he was dying. There's only so much pride to go around -- you don't want to be known as some kind of "daddy pride hog," do you?

Chocolate Rain (Song Sensation) A euphemism for racism created by Tay Zonday in his hit YouTube song "Chocolate Rain."

Tay Zonday, the baritone crooner of the insanely catchy but awful all the same, “Chocolate Rain,” took home one of 12 awards at the second annual YouTube Video Awards, beating out a video featuring a jam sessions with a carrot flute and a squash drum.

Among the other 11 winners, Chris Crocker -- insane, semi-psychotic Britney Spears fan -- was soundly defeated in the commentary category by Michael Buckley, offering a glimpse of what Crocker will have to endure the rest of his life (sound beatings, that is). The Obama Girl also lost out (boo!) in the political category to a video by the global organization avaaz.org, “Stop the Clash of Civilizations.” Other notable winners included “Battle of Kruger” in the eyewitness category, and “How to Solve a Rubik’s Cube” in the instructional category.

A few of the winning videos, after the jump:

Unsettling: (adjective) To cause to feel anxious or uneasy; disturb.

Pop quiz, everybody! One of these pictures is of Miley Cyrus, and one of these pictures is of a wax figure of Miley Cyrus. Which one is which?

If you said the one on the right was made of wax -- well, you're completely fucking wrong. And while that may be creepy, the really unsettling thing is that nine out of ten filthy old perverts said they'd still take the wax one.

My bumps. My bumps. My lovely baby bumps. (Yeeeah!)

And speaking of pregnancy: Is Jimmy Kimmel preggers? (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

I guess it was inevitable: Britney Spears takes one to the back of the throat, Trey Parker style. (The Blemish)

Does this photo of Lohan and her alleged girlfriend have a certain Edward Hopper quality to it? I almost want to hang it in my office. (Celebwarship)

The greatest invention in parenting since duct tape: A baby chair you can attach to a bar. (Offsprung)

Britney Spears is losing her cars, but gaining a taco! (Pop on the Pop)

Those bastards in Hollywood are remaking Robocop! Can you believe that? Philistines! (Pajiba)

Somewhere in the blogosphere, today is John Oliver day, as every day should be (Comedy Central Insider)

This pair of buttocks belongs to an American socialite, stylist, apparel retailer, and television personality. She is best known for her adventurous social life, sex tape, and her appearances on reality shows.

Name that ass? The answer, after the jump:

Wax: (Noun) A white translucent material obtained by bleaching and purifying beeswax, and used for such purposes as making candles, modeling, and as a basis of polishes.

Damn, what the fuck happened to Jesse Spano?! I've never seen what appears to be some kind of modeling wax stretched so tightly over someone's skull. Seriously, I don't even know whether to ask who her plastic surgeon is or her undertaker.

Meth Diet (Hollywood Trend) Nutritional plan that consists of copious amounts of crystal methamphetamine and gallons of Mountain Dew. Increases metabolism and dramatically reduces weight in mere days! Also, results in translucent skin, sunken eyes, and skeletal figure.

 

You know, doctors and health professionals are always saying that, if you’re in a relationship, the best way to lose weight is to do it with your significant other. And I think it’s great, after nine years of marriage (which is 72 in Hollywood years) that these two are still doing stuff together. I commend Courtney Cox and David Arquette for going on the meth diet together! It’s cute, isn’t it? And I bet their house is spotless!

Thief: (Noun) A person who steals another person's property, esp. by stealth and without using force or violence.

The media is trying to drag Winona Ryder's good name through the mud by once again accusing her of stealing; this time from a Hollywood CVS.

A store employee is quoted as saying: "Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. "When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for."

And when she was asked about the make-up, Winona answered: "I don't know how that happened." The store employee added: "We took unpaid items back and she left the store." (Source)

OK fine. So maybe she took some shit. But still, I'd hardly call that stealing. As far as I'm concerned, appropriating make-up from chain drug stores is every red-blooded woman's right as an American. I know when I was 14, Lip Smackers didn't pay for themselves. So what, I guess I'm a "criminal" now too?

Lick (Verb) As much as can be taken up by one stroke of the tongue.

Once again, the age old question is put to Kate Moss: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Jamie Hince's neck?

 

Fuglets: (Noun) Babies so ugly they make you snap your neck and go "Daaaaamn!"

So... J Lo's revered million dollar twins made their big magazine debut this morning. Fertility mumbo jumbo needed to get an aging diva knocked up? An estimated hundreds of thousands of dollars. Having the little fuglets come out looking just like their busted, rat-faced daddy? Priceless.

Nahla Areila Aubry is not the name you just gave your left nipple -- it's Halle Berry's brand spankin' new kid. (The Blemish)

The Nielsons are in: Lewis Black's "Root of All Evil" is biggest new show of the season starring Lewis Black. (Comedy Central Insider)

Pig Vomit takes on the role of 2nd President of the United States. (Offsprung)

Kristen Davis caught weenie gobbling on camera. (Yeeeah!)

And speaking of weenie gobbling, Nick Lachey was on the other end of a Chery Burke humdinger when her boyfriend, Joseph (Joey) Lawrence walked in. (Celebrity  Smack)

Ryan Phillipe and Channing Tatum in the Iraq War version of Brokeback. (Pretty on the Outside)

It's pink. It vibrates. It costs $14.99. Name that item? (Evil Beet)

Ashton Kutcher joins the spambot scourge. (Celebitchy)

What ever happened to Laura Prepon, anyway? (usemycomputer)

Will Smith is getting pulled from side to side like a kid in a divorce. (Celebslam)

The Coreys starring in the most unanticipated sequel since Jeepers Creepers 2. (Seriously? OMG!)

Stop the Presses (Idiom) Used to introduce especially new important, surprising, or recent developments. Announcement made to grab attention, emphasizing the importance of the development.

 Stop the Presses! Hold everything. Put down your afternoon coffee. Find a comfortable chair and sit down, strap in, and gag yourself with a rubber ball. Have we got an announcement for you - in a surprise development rivaling the moon landing, the death of Elvis, and the revelation that Sharon Stone was a member of Mensa - Michael Stipe has announced that he’s gay.

"It was super complicated for me in the '80s. I was totally open with the band and my family and my friends and certainly the people I was sleeping with. I thought it was pretty obvious," the R.E.M frontman told Spin magazine.

Stipe has a reason for coming out of the closet now.

“I recognize that to have public figures be very open about their sexuality helps some kid somewhere out there.” (Source)

No shit? Stipe? Gay? But he always seemed like a bang-her-in-the-bathroom stall kind of guy to me. This can’t be true! The front man for R.E.M.? That beacon of masculinity?

I need to sit down. My head is swimming. This is too much to handle all at once. If only Michael Stipe had let on -- given some sort of hint -- back in the day. My mind: Blown.

Supermodel: (Noun) A successful fashion model who has reached the status of a celebrity.

Check out this fierce little bitch owning the catwalk! Those other tired-ass supermodels have got nothing on Bindi Irwin. I heard she's got Versace and Prada lined up followed by a tasteful nude spread in Vogue. And if you thought Naomi and Tyra were divas, just wait til you get a taste of Bindi's milkshake. Let's just say she won't waste her time throwing a cell phone at your head when she's got half the reptile kingdom at her disposal.

Butt Boy (Insult) A servile underling. Especially one who is also a sycophant. A suck up. A butt boy does his Master's dirty work.

Earlier this week, Sean Penn wrapped filming of the biopic on Harvey Milk, shooting a scene on the steps of San Francisco’s City Hall in which Penn recreated a famous and fiery Milk speech. Afterwards, since he had a captive crowd of extras, Sean Penn took a moment to jump up on his own soap box:

 

"I almost wish Jerry Falwell were alive to see this. Almost," Penn shouted to the crowd. After dropping some names of conservatives who are still with us - "Bill O'Reilly, who is too stupid to talk about," and "Sean Hannity, the butt boy of Rupert Murdoch," Penn said, "We know something more. We know their end is near." (Source)

If you’ll excuse my indignation here, but while I’m behind Sean Penn’s sentiment, when you’re portraying the first openly gay politician in America -- a man who 30 years ago bravely tried to push pro-gay legislation before he was gunned down by a psychotic homophobe who got off using the Twinkie Defense  -- and when you’re talking to a huge crowd of San Franciscans simulating a Gay Freedom Parade, then maybe it’s not the wisest thing in the world to refer to Sean Hannity  pejoratively as the butt boy of Rupert Murdoch. After all, the origins of the insult, butt boy, are homophobic in nature -- as in, one who services his bossman anally. 

Snafu: (Noun) a confused or chaotic state; a mess.

A $1 million offer made to Ashley Alexandra Dupre (a.k.a Spitzer's Whore) by Girls Gone Wild hit a teensy snafu when it was discovered that Dupre already appeared in one of the videos when she was just 18. Ever the shrewd businessman/piece of fucking shit, founder Joe Francis quickly retracted his offer and now plans to re-release the old footage.

"I met her on spring break at the Girls Gone Wild beach house in April 2003," Francis tells PEOPLE. "She got into the Jacuzzi. ... She threw her arms around me. I never made the connection that this was Ashley. But my cameraman had been in touch with her for a while. I didn't make the connection until really recently. Then it was like: that's Ashley!"

Well if it's any conciliation, Ashley -- I hope you at least stole his wallet. And hey, I'm sure there's other opportunities out there! After millions of parents breathed a sign of relief when realizing that it wasn't their kid, I'm thinking maybe poster child for pro-choice advocacy? I can see it now: "Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Because You Never Know How the Cookie's Gonna Crumble."

Bro (Noun) Obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren’t making an ass of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying.

I don’t find Sarah Jessica Parker a particularly sexy woman, at least not since L.A. Story, but she’s far from the least sexiest woman in Hollywood, so named by Maxim Magazine. That designation, unfortunately, hurt Mrs. Parker’s feelings:

Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. It upset him (her husband, Matthew Broderick), because it has to do with his judgment too. It's condemnation, it's insane. What can I do? (Source)

Here’s an idea, Jessica: Stop giving a shit what Maxim Magazine says. Maybe you’ve never read Maxim, huh? It’s targeted toward Frat Boys and other Neanderthal douchebags whose idea of sexy is a woman too drunk to run away from them. It’s like glossy misogyny for red-cup holding bros. I’m surprised the goddamn magazine doesn’t come with Kleenex and Vaseline Jelly to better serve the pathetic male readership who can’t even claim to read the magazine for the articles because there are none -- just fucked-up blurbs beneath plasticine, vapid, airbrushed women who don’t know how to properly fit their shirts over their entire breasts.

Armed and Dangerous: (Colloquial) One who is equipped with or carrying a weapon or weapons and is able or likely to cause harm or injury.

A warrant has been issued for notorious criminal Shia LaBeouf after he ostensibly is thought to have fled town to avoid a court appearance in regards to misdemeanor unlawful smoking charges. As you can see by his cold, unfeeling stare, LaBeouf has no regard for human life and may have already inflicted tens of people with second hand smoke.

This comes on the heels of a November 2007 incident at a Walgreens, where LaBeouf was arrested after refusing to leave the premises. I heard only one guy made it out alive.

LaBeouf should be considered armed and dangerous, and should not be approached. The public is instead asked to contact the Los Angeles Highway Patrol with information as to LaBeouf's whereabouts.

I've got the perfect St. Patty's Day hangover cure: Tara Reid's Liposuction Irregularities! Get it all up, now. (Rad Report)

Madonna blathers her blibbedy blap to Interview magazine. (popbytes)

Eva Mendes is going to be the face of Calvin Klein's new line of flannel g-strings and garter belts. (Yeeeah!)

Preggernant Minnie Driver at "The Riches" season two premiere. (usemycomputer)

Well where the fuck did everyone think Anna Nicole's son was getting his drugs?! (CelebritySmack)

"How I Met Your Mother" promos featuring Britney hit the net, marking the very first time anyones gives a crap about "How I Met Your Mother." (Evil Beet)

"So That's What Happened to Baby Jane" starring Christina Aguilera. (CelebWarship)

Why yes, DMX has been living in a cave for the past year. Why do you ask? (TheBlemish)

The poignant brilliance of "Six Feet Under," revisited. (Pajiba)

Frat Boy (Noun) Usually large husky male human between the ages of 18 and believe it or not 30 who attend college primarily to keep blood alcohol content high enough that a normal person could get drunk of his breath. Usually found wearing Abercrombie and Fitch and poca shells while getting drunk and acting like an ass. May use roofies to rape women, and finds destroying the property of others an enjoyable past time.

Parker Posey, out promoting her horrible television show and nearing irrelevancy, has decided to lash out at Hollywood's newest wunderkind, Judd Apatow, branding his style of humor sexist:

She says, "There's so much frat boy humor out there now. This whole Judd Apatow craze - I don't like it. It excludes girls, and it doesn't do anything particularly great for our culture. Getting wasted, throwing up, ignoring your girlfriend, who gets that? I consider myself funny, and I don't (get it)." (Source)

I see her point and all, but I wonder if she's even bothered to watch the Apatow comedies beyond what she sees in the trailers? I don't want to debate the existence of sexism (or lack thereof) in Apatow's comedies, but terming it "frat boy humor" is just simple ignorance. Frat boys are good ole boys, soon-to-be-beer gutted neanderthal douchebags whose idea of a great night is date rape and a kegger.

And you think, Parker, that Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin), and Martin Starr are representative of  frat boys? Give me a fucking break!  Loser humor, geek humor, or maybe even stoner humor, but frat boys? The boys in these movies don't ignore their girlfriends -- they don't have girlfriends, and when they manage them, they thank their lucky goddamn stars that a woman would even pay attention to him.

Sexist?  Debatable. Frat Boys -- Pshaw.

Psychopath: (Noun) A person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.

Yesterday we reported that Heather Mills was supposedly ecstatic about her $50 million divorce settlement, however that wasn't totally so much the truth as it was the innocuous ramblings of a psychopath trying to save face. As it turns out, Mills was so not happy about the settlement that she dumped a glass of water on the head of her ex-husband's lawyer, Fiona Shackleton.

Indeed, pictures from the courthouse show Shackleton arriving Monday morning with a bouncy blonde bouffant and leaving at around 2 p.m. with damp locks slicked back behind her ears.

When the BBC asked Mills about the alleged attack, the Dancing with the Stars vet would only say that Shackleton had been "baptized in court."

So let me ask this, why is it okay for Heather Mills to go around throwing water on people, but it's not okay for me to snatch her leg away and beat her senseless with it? Is it because she's handicapped? I swear, those people get all the breaks, with their "special parking" and whatnot. Enough is enough, already.

Coke Bugs (Noun) After extended periods of cocaine use, some individuals experience "cocaine bugs," a hallucinatory perception of having bugs crawling on or just under the skin.

You know how there are certain things you should only appreciate from a distance? Giant sculptures, the Statue of Liberty, Impressionist paintings? They all have a certain beauty to them as long as you don't go inspecting the details up close.

And so it goes with Amy Winehouse who, from afar, has a brand of kooky, eclectic, ugly-hot that filthy, drug-abusing Pete Doherty types are drawn to. But, just check out Ms. Winehouse up close. Yeesh. It looks almost as though a zombie virus has burrowed beneath her skin and is growing. The coke bugs have taken hold -- it'll only be a matter of time before Amy starts holding matches to her face in an effort to burn the coke bugs off her face. I've seen the movie -- I know how this goes. After days of digging the bugs out with cigarette lighters and ice picks (see her arms, below), she and an unhinged war veteran will douse themselves in gasoline, kiss one another goodbye, and light the motherfucker up.

Judging by the size of those coke bugs, I give her about 10 days.

 

Father Knows Best: (Noun) A popular American radio and television sitcom of the 1950s and 1960s, portrays an idealized vision of middle class American life of the era.

In an interview with this month's V Man magazine, Ashton Kutcher gave a candid interview (in addition to this creepy-ass photo shoot) in which he gives a rare glimpse into his family life.

On his typical day:
"I wake up at 7:15, say hello to my girls in the morning, tell them to have a good day at school, I then go to my office to work on the company, different productions we’re involved in, speaking with my development execs. In the afternoon, I’ve been working on building a character for a movie, and then either I’ll go to a soccer game or whatever the girls are doing, then go home, have dinner with my wife, watch a little A&E… "

Oh yeah, he's a regular Mr. Donna Reed. I can see it now. Ashton creeps into Demi's daughters' bedroom in the morning, gently shakes them and whispers, "Girls! Girls! Wakeup! ... Your father... There's been an accident and ... He's dead!" Then Tallulah and Scout start bawling, and Ashton jumps up crazy-eyed, tendons jutting out of his neck as he screams with errant spittle flying out of his mouth, "PUNNNNKED!!!" It's kind of like "Father Knows Best," only you know, with a lot more crying.

Dead (State of Being) No longer living; deprived of life.

Anthony Minghella, Oscar nominated director of The English Patient, has succumbed to the business end of nonexistence. He kicked the bucket, met his maker, went on to the great beyond. The man who also directed The Talented Mr. Ripley and Cold Mountain is dead. He was 54. He was in Botswana filming an adaptation of The Number One Ladies Detective Agency. No cause of death has been disclosed, as of yet.

The English Patient may have been one of the worst two hour experiences of my life, but there's no doubt the man had incredible talent. Rest in peace, brother. 

Skanky Hoe: (Noun) Very unpleasant; revolting prostitute.

Lindsay Lohan, known for being a polished and seasoned professional, astounded and enraged the venue owner of the Scandinavian Style Mansion in Beverly Hills this past weekend when she threw a hissy fit and stormed out of the event she had been paid to host. Apparently Ms. Lohan became furious when she saw Paris Hilton's handbags on the event's sponsor board.

Now, Lindsay. Please don't make me choose between you and Paris. I know you hate her. We all do. But unfortch, you my dear, are really not in a position to say so. It's like the slut calling the whore skanky. You say hooker, I say harlot. Can't we just agree you're both skanky hoes and call the whole thing off?

DUIN0317.jpg" src="http://www.litelysalted.com/IMAGES/BALDUIN0317.jpg" class="mt-image-center" style="margin: 0pt auto 20px; text-align: center; display: block;" height="313" width="550" />"Which One Is That?" Baldwin has his cake and eats it too. (Celebslam)

Steve-O: Now 110% more insaner! (Yeeeah!)

Guess which "Sex and the City" biddy might have a sex tape floating around? (The Blemish)

Nicole Richie is as sick of Paris Hilton as everybody fucking else. (CelebritySmack)

Angelina takes her ethnic menagerie out for a stroll. (IDLYITW)

Pam Anderson's pancake ass and pancake tits are falling out of her outfit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna's fairy tale marriage of humiliation and bondage might be crumbling apart. (Celebitchy)

Or going by the innuendo of her new album cover, maybe something far more sinister is going on. (Agent Bedhead)

Raven Symone looks like a cross between Columbia from Rocky Horror and the "Blueberry Girl" From Willy Wonka. (Ayyyy!)

Chewbacca (Character) A towering Wookie, Chewbacca (or Chewie) is best known as the co-pilot of Han Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Blake Lively, star of the CW hit "The Gossip Girl" and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, recently joined the legions of other Hollywood celebrity females by giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, Penny. WIMB has obtained this exclusive photo of Blake with her darling little newborn. Isn't she adorable! Congratulations to Blake and the baby's father, Chewbacca.

 

Ironic: (Adjective) Happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this.

Heather Mills won the one-legged gold digging whore lottery today, as divorce proceedings from her three and a half year marriage to Paul McCartney closed with her hobbling away $49 million richer. In a clip you can see here, Mills rambles on about how happy she is, as if somehow she was entitled to this fortune, and lies that the money will be going to charity.

So, yeah... My faith in mankind is pretty much in the shitter right now. The only thing that could set the universe right at this point would be an O Henry-esque ironic twist where Heather Mills tripped over her stupid wooden leg doing the gold digging jig and fell into a manhole where giant, mutant sewer gators messily eviscerated her entire lower half. And the only constructive surgery able to put Whorey Dumpty back together again this time would be some revolutionary procedure that came with a price tag of $49 million.

Bargain at Twice the Price (Colloquial) Means you got a really great fucking deal.

Looks like now former New York (represent!) governor Elliot Spitzer wasn't the only one to pay for the services of one Ashley Dupre. "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen was perhaps Client Number 1.

The hooker who brought down New York governor Eliot Spitzer once dressed up as a cheerleader for a wild threesome with actor Charlie Sheen.

Ashley Dupre was just 19 when she romped with Sheen, costing him up to £10,000 a session.

Jason Itzler, 41, self-styled King of All Pimps, said he sent Dupre, under the name Victoria, and another girl, Cheryl, to the Platoon star.

He said: "Sheen got the girls to dress up as cheerleaders and chant his name while performing sex acts. (Source)

Spitzer lost his entire political career over his decision to pay for a prostitute, while Charlie Sheen's continues to thrive, but the governor can take heart in one thing: His sessions -- at only $5,000 per -- were a bargain at twice the price. And really, that's what we appreciated about Spitzer the most here in New York -- he really knew how to stretch a dime. We'll miss his budgeting skills. 

Faux Punk: (Noun) MTV punk known for image vs. substance; recognized by wearing too much eye make-up, having funky hair colors, and overall trying too hard.

BFFS (Best Friends for Sometimes) Paris and Nicole went on a "double date" this weekend (Us Weekly's words, not mine) to the opening of their respective Madden Twins new faux punk attire store opening, DCMA. As much as it pains my black little heart to say so, I have to admit that Nicole is actually looking rather radiant, post pregnancy.

But Paris on the other hand (being it that she's one of those retarded kind of girls) is apparently dressing like Punk Rock Powder now that they're dating, making her look even more trannysaurus than usual. I guess she can cross faux punk off the list of Things That Don't Work for Paris Hilton, along with dainty footwear, leaving home without Valtrex, and her hands, in any kind of working or domestic capacity.

Spoiler Alert (Internet Warning) A term to describe when crucial elements of a movie are about to be revealed. 

Spoiler Alert! M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming film, The Happening, revolves around the most idiotic goddamn idea ever put to film. It's like Killer Tomatoes from Outer Space, only not nearly as witty or intelligent.

Indeed, if you think Killer Tomatoes are preposterous, what about an environmental film in which the message is, if "mankind continues to be cruel to nature, then nature will fight back."

Literally.

Yes. M. Night's next masterpiece will be about killer trees and plants that, fed up with global warming, not only drive mankind to en mass suicide but snuff out individual humans, too, with, like, their branches. You know what I'm not doing? Fucking with you. I'm being completely serious.

The movie opens Friday, June 13th, just so you know where not to be on that day.

Brain Trust: (Noun) A group of experts appointed to advise a government or politician.

So maybe you've heard this one? An anti-Semitic sadomasochist and Britney Spears walk into a bar... No? Well, to be honest, damned if I know the punchline either -- but apparently Mel Gibson and Britney Spears met at a Russian restaurant in Studio City this weekend for some sort of top secret business meeting. At this point it's unfounded speculation as to what triggered the assemblage of the crazy brain trust. Global warming? The state of international socioeconomic affairs? Thwarting Dr. Doom's plan to set the Earth spinning in the opposite direction on it's axis? Your guess is as good as mine, folks.

Paris Hilton is about to go shopping for a new doormat. (Daily Stab)

And Miley Cyrus is already shopping for her doormat! (Rad Report)

Judd Nelson is stalking you. (Seriously? OMG!)

40 grand could have bought eight five thousand dollar whores but some tool spent the whole wad on a handshake from Scarlett Johansson. (The Blemish)

Speaking of which, Lohan gets in on the whoring legging business. (Yeeeah!)

Minnie Driver is carrying a little driver around her her belly. (Celebitchy)

I swear Christina Ricci has had work done. Somethings just not right here... (CelebritySmack)

Joe "Piece of Fucking Shit" Francis is out on bail. (Agent Bedhead)

A paparazzi gets the holy multiplication tables beat out of him by Nicole Kidman's bodyguard. (Celebslam)

Hungover this weekend? Joe Dirt is ideal couch viewing. Allegedly. (Pajiba)

Neat-O (Adjective) A cool little word that is very enjoyable to say, referring to something cool, nifty, or keen. 

Rarely in the celebrity gossip world do I actually run across photos of celebrities I adore, so seeing two of them, standing together, side by side, is really kind of neat-O. Christian Bale and Maggie Gyllenhaal! I'd make some inappropriate sexual remarks, but though I feel a tingling of the nethers just seeing them standing together, I respect them both entirely too much to offer cheap wisecracks. They are way above our piffling little jokes.So, I think I'll just admire one of the few occasions in which Christian Bale appears in public to be photographed.

 

Pasty: (Adjective)  (Of a person's face) unhealthily pale.

In correlation with St. Patrick's Day, Conan O'Brien was awarded the 2008 Young Leaders Irish Spirit Award by his pasty brethren -- and for some reason was presented with my grandmother's crystal candy bowl. Sans Andes mints. Is it just me, or does that seem like a pretty shitty trophy to give an Irishman on St. Patty's Day? At least fill that thing with Lucky Charms or whiskey or something.

Hamburglar (Character) A thief that dressed in a black-and-white striped shirt and pants, a red cape, and a wide-brimmed hat and whose primary object of theft was McDonalds hamburger from the Hamburger Patch.

Hey Miley Cyrus: Robble, robble, robble!

Feminist: (Noun) One who supports the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

I gotta hand it to old Snoop Dogg. He may very well be the first man who fully understands the womanly plight of having a pair of DD-sized knockers stuck to one's chest. I wonder if that makes him some kind of de facto feminist? Or more importantly: if that thing gives him back problems??

Bogart (Verb) To keep something all for oneself, thus depriving anyone else of having any.

You know what'd be cool? A magical drinking fountain where you can fill your cup full of pure, 100 percent body fat. And if such a fountain existed, Kate Bosworth should bogart that motherfucker and never give up her position. Drink it, Kate. Plant your feet in front of it and drink every goddamn ounce.

Flabbergasted: (Verb) Surprise someone greatly; astonish.

Celebrity uh, personality Steve-O has been hospitalized in the mental health unit at L.A.'s exclusive "celeb asylum," Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The star of the esteemed "Jackass" franchise was also charged with felony possession of cocaine in relation to his hospitalization, which I assume was not voluntary.

Well slap my tits and call me flabbergasted! You mean to tell me that the guy who stapled his ball sack to his thighs and sports an enormous, full back tattoo of his own likeness might not be, y'know, all there? At any rate, commitment should suit him nicely. I'm sure he's already got the whole "eating his own shit" thing down pat.

Nicky Hilton doesn't have an eating disorder -- how could she? She doesn't eat. (Celebitchy)

Is that Sienna Miller giving Rhys Ifans a blow-jo ... wait? Is she reading John Grisham? Figures. (Yeeeeah!)

Real or Wax? Jim Carrey edition. (Seriously? OMG? WTF?)

You know who never gets the celebrity gossip blog love and really should? Cheryl Hines. (usemycomputer)

Kate Beckinsale continues to kvetch about her life's lot, but my God! she looks good doing it. (The Blemish)

The greatest television commercial you will ever see (it's below the links). (IDLYITW)

The latest trend in breaking the nicotine addiction? Marijuana! (Offsprung)

Play "Guess these Boobs," win noseful of breasts. (Celebrity Smack)

Would you give up your political career for her? (QuizLaw)

Gag a Maggot (Slang) Expression used to describe something extremely revolting or disgusting. 

Look at these two? Doesn't it just make you sick? They wear work-out-clothes in public. They shop at the farmer's market. They carry their own bags. Jake buys Reese flowers. They put their arms around each other -- IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.  

Gag a maggot, I'm gonna be sick. They're so goddamn cute together I could hurl. The only thing missing here are frolicking puppies, a meadow, and a goddamn rainbow with a pot of gold at the end. Jesus, I loathe them and their infinite amounts of joy. I hope a drunk geriatric falls asleep at the wheel and plows them down Final Destination style.

Punching Bag: (Noun) A stuffed or inflated bag, typically cylindrical or pear-shaped, suspended so it can be punched for exercise or training, esp. by boxers.

John Mayer still can't figure out why people make fun of him. And, as Mr. Douchebag would like to have us believe, this troubles him. In a recent interview, Mayer states:

"But when I think about my [future] wife, I worry," he says. "I worry about what she thinks when she reads about me in Us Weekly. It's all vapor, nothing, ether. But I worry about it. I worry about what she thinks."

I've got news for old Johnny boy. Us Weekly aren't the ones determining who the next celebrity punching bag is going to be, so much as the douchetastic celebrities who go around wearing "Borat swimsuits" and writing fake breakup letters to girls on their blog; smugly congratulating themselves for being so hilarious. But regardless. If Mrs. Right can get past your shitty music and the fact that you used to bang Jessica Simpson, I'm sure nothing she sees in Us Weekly is going to be particularly devastating. And who knows! Maybe she'll get stuck on the "celebrity word scramble," anyway.

The Bird: (Noun) To stick one's middle finger up at someone as a sign of contempt or anger, meaning 'fuck you'.

Don't most people usually reach an age -- typically around adolescence -- where flipping the bird is no longer a totally hilarious thing to do? I know, I know. I get that it's his shtick and all -- but Lewis Black is like the four year old who accidentally gives the finger and gets big laughs from grownups, but then his whole life no one tells him otherwise. And now, you know, he's like 60.

Trollop (Noun) A sexually promiscuous woman who gives a false impression of innocence or sexual naivete.

Unlike Ashlee Simpson, Kate Beckinsale -- the vacuous British beauty with almost negative acting talent -- hasn't always had a healthy self esteem. In fact, clearly hurting for conversational topics, she told a publication I've never heard of that she "grew up feeling and looking like an ugly duckling and that was such a huge part of my self image. I could not even accept boys paying me attention." Point of fact: That unhealthy self-image has followed her into adulthood.

"I have days when I feel great, and days when my ass won't fit in my jeans and I don't leave the house."

Here's an idea you can play around with, Kate: Buy bigger pants. Or, hell, do what I do: Go to K-Mart and pick up some sweat pants with the loose elastic waistband, stuff your face with Chunky Monkey, and work a new ass groove into your couch.

Better yet: Make the boys happy and walk around with no pants on at all, and leave the self-esteem issues to those of us who don't actually have perfect bodies and tiny little asses, you self-obsessed, whiny little trollop. 

 

Self-Esteem: (Noun) Confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Ashlee Simpson is finally opening up about her totally fucking obvious plastic surgery in the latest issue of Us Weekly.

"[Plastic surgery] is something that everybody should think about for a really long time," she tells Us. "Once you know it's something you really feel comfortable with, then to each their own."

Still, the singer downplays her own transformation. "I was never really unhappy with how I looked, [and] I don't think I am more beautiful than I was [before]," Simpson tells Us. "I just see the same old goofy girl I see every day."

Well that's cool, then. If she was never unhappy with herself, than the surgery was clearly responsible and warranted. Just so long as she didn't suck the fat out of her cheeks and lop off half her nose for superficial reasons, or because she cried big fat tears into the mirror every night thinking she looked like a Fraggle. It takes a virtual champion of self-esteem to say: "I'm going to butcher my beautiful face to prove to the world how confidant I am."

Leelee Sobiesky collects the hair of celebrities. But the creepy part? Celebrities like Tim Allen and Martin Short. (The Blemish)

Faux pas alert! Somebody has been applying their own fake bake. (Seriously? OMG!)

Big Gay Al divorces Star Jones and her big stupid hat. (Ayyyy!)

Paris and her retarded new boyfriend once again steal Nikki's thunder. (CelebWarship)

Owen Wilson bounces back with Jennifer Aniston, because that's not depressing at all. (Yeeeah!)

We shouldn't care about Lindsay Lohan's dad's girlfriend... Yet strangely? We can't get enough! (Evil Beet)

Because there's nothing the troops overseas love more than transvestites. (Popoholic)

I miss Thora Birch. (usemycomputer)

Awesomeness (Noun) An unmeasurable amount of awesomenimity something can produce, e.g., new still pictures released from the upcoming The Dark Knight.

Lesbian Menage a Trois: (Noun) An arrangement in which three women share a sexual relationship, typically a domestic situation involving a lesbian couple and the lover of one of them.

Uh oh! Looks some there's gonna be some hot girl on girl on girl action after the Indigo Girls concert tonight!

Influential (Adjective) Having or exerting influence, esp. great influence. (Noun) A person who exerts or can exert strong influence.

Given the lagging album sales of Britney Spears and the inability of Lindsay Lohan to successfully open a movie (she hasn't had a hit in four years), you'd think that, collectively, teenage girls didn't pay them much heed anymore.

Not true: Spears, Lohan, Paris Hilton, et. al., are actually far more influential than we ever imagined, evidenced by the results of a new federal study:

At least one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease, suggests a first-of-its-kind federal study that startled some adolescent-health experts. Among those who admitted having sex, the rate was even more disturbing — 40 percent had an STD. (Source)

Can you believe that shit? After years and years of safe-sex proselytizing, it's seemingly all been undone by the Bush administration's abstinence education policies in combination with the influence of the tabloid starledrunks, who'll open their legs for anything matted with pubic hair and smelling of testicle sweat.

Buy My Book: (Catchphrase) Popularized by TV's "The Critic," can be applied whenever a celebrity shills a vanity novel.

What the hell?! Who ordered the life-sized cardboard cutout of Tori Spelling? It just keeps saying "buy my book" over and over and over again. This is even more unholy than the plasticine abomination of which it bears likeness. Anyone have a 9mm handy so we can put either this thing -- or us-- out of our misery?

Watersports (Noun) Sexual activity in which urine is involved. The presence of urine is generally considered erotic for those indulging in the urine related activities.

Man, you gotta love Jenna Fischer, who is using her newfound stardom for good, notably by turning a prick's urine steam back onto himself. See, back in the day, after a fresh-faced Jenna moved from St. Louis to L.A., she was approached at a party by a shitty Hollywood screenwriter, Shem Bitterman, writer of such box-office hits as Halloween 5 and Lenexa, 1 Mile. Anyway, Shem asked Jenna if she'd be willing to do a raunchy sex scene; Jenna declined, remarking that she wouldn't do anything that'd disappoint her parents. Bitterman's response:

A real actress would say yes. A real actress would piss herself onstage if that's what it took. Sylvester Stallone did porn. Shelley Winters pissed herself onstage. Every play, every movie I write has nudity in it. You know why? Because that's how I know if I'm working with real actors. You're not a real actress. You should just go home. You don't have what it takes. (Source)

Well, I guess she showed you, Bittermuch. She's been in more movies in the last two years than Bitterman has written over the last 20. And to drive the nail into the skull of that shitheel's ego, in an interview with Playboy, Jenna proposed angry watersports:

What an asshole, I should have told him, 'How about I piss on your face? Does that make me a real actress? Let's try that. I'll do that right here. I'll do that today.' Bring me Shem Bitterman."

I wouldn't tempt the guy, Jenna. At this point in his career (his next movie stars Fred Durst and Chris Klein, if that says anything), he'd probably welcome a piss on the face from a "real actress," if only because it's the closest he's gonna get to one.

Rock on, Jenna.



 

Cartoon: (Noun) A motion picture using animation techniques to photograph a sequence of drawings rather than real people or objects..

Britney Spears' upcoming video for her new single "Break the Ice" is going to be brilliantly revolutionary, in that it contains no actual Britney Spears. And what better way to remove Britney Spears from the equation of a Britney Spears video than to make it a cartoon! My only qualm is, when I picture an animated version of Britney Spears, it looks less like "Sailor Moon" up there and more like a Garbage Pail Kid. But, whatever. Anything that keeps her away from fishnets and a stripper pole is A-OK by me.

Mary Jane: (Noun) Another word for marijuana.

Because apparently cops have nothing better to do than harass poor old ladies who happen to be beloved pop culture icons on their way home from their own birthday parties -- Dawn Wells, a.k.a. Mary Ann from "Gilligans Island" has been sentenced to five days in jail and six months probation after getting busted for possession of Mary Jane. According to her lawyer, a friend of Wells' testified that he'd left a small amount of marijuana in her car after having used it previously, and Wells was unware.

Well no freaking wonder! A "friend" left it in her car? I think we all know what happened here. Clearly, this was Gilligan's fault. You think all that bumbling was just a coincidence? Nobody craves that much coconut cream pie unless they're on the pot.

Letterman asks Paula Abdul if she's drunk; Paula responds, "Me? Drinkity Drank? (*Hiccup*) Pshheeaw! (*glurp*) (Celebitchy)

Take the Hairy Legs challenge and win one free vial of ear blood. (Yeeeah!)

Kirstie Alley wisens up to the slimming effects of black clothing. (Celebrity Smack)

Janet Jackson hospitalized with the flu. Don't be surprised if she has a new nose when she recovers. (IDLYITW)

Jenna Jameson rocks the Bettie Page look for PETA. Maybe "rocks" is the wrong word; how about mewls the Bettie Page look like dying cattle? (The Blemish)

Heather Locklear may or may not be crazy, dead. (Celebwarship)

Craig. Daniel Craig. Naked. (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

It's true! It's true! White people do love "The Wire." (GhostofaFlea)

Killer shopping carts, film at 11. (QuizLaw)

Parents rejoice! Barenaked Ladies will follow They Might Be Giants into the children's album business, making toddler music all the more tolerable. (Offsprung)

Angles (Intransitive Verb) To try to get something by indirect or artful means; (Noun) The place, position, or direction from which an object is presented to view.

Angles. That's what it's all about, folks. Angles are a photographer's best friend. A great photographer -- and I'm talking about a modern-day Da Vinci -- can use angles to his advantage to, miraculously, make even Hilary Swank unbelievably alluring. Hilary Swank modeling Calvin Klein underwear, y'all! Seriously. The woman who took out three men in The Next Karate Kid with her cheekbones looks tasty enough to provoke me to give up Clooney and switch teams.

Here's a woman I'd tie to my bedpost and make love to, if she'd only loan me her penis. Rawr.

pH: (Noun) A figure expressing the acidity or alkalinity of a solution on a logarithmic scale on which 7 is neutral, lower values are more acid, and higher values more alkaline.

Oh good lord. Just when you think the courtship of Paris Hilton and Benji Madden can't possibly get any more annoying and retarded -- ass clown Benji shows us that diamond encrusted initial rings aren't just girls anymore, by debuting his own PH ring.

I suppose it comes in handy, though. Not only does he get to proclaim to the world that he's dating Napalm Vagina, but it's a friendly reminder to check the daily pH levels of said vagina. Because you never know -- dealing with an STD cocktail like that -- when it's going to be, you know, corrosive to the wang. It's the perfect combination of fashion and function!

Caninism (Scientific Theory) The phenomena, recently proven scientifically, that dog owners are instinctively drawn toward dogs that they resemble. 

Wannabe: (Noun) A person who tries to be like someone else or to fit in with a particular group of people.

Justin Timberlake introduced Madonna at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony last night, and decided that his speech was the perfect venue to finally make fun of ex-girlfriend Britney Spears.

"She has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience” Timberlake said. “Of course you know I was talking about Sean Penn."

Timberlake punctuated his remarks with, "The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple."

Now I'm all for making fun of Britney Spears. Obviously times a million. But if I were Justin Timberlake I'd bite my tongue before throwing around words like "wannabe." After all, didn't a wise man once say: "Let he who did not get his big break on The Mickey Mouse Club cast the first insult?" And last time I checked, Britney wasn't the one who started speaking in Ebonics after N'Sync broke up.

Hot Pink Mess (Noun) A person that looks pitiful; a person who looks as if they've been to the 1980s and back, characterized by unsightly hot pink clothing.

Juliette Lewis may be one hot pink mess, but I don't think I've ever loved her more. Do you know any other actresses brave enough to show up to a fashion week dressed like an extra in Madonna's "Material Girl" video? No, I didn't think so.

We should totally hang, Juliette! I've got a charm bracelet with your name on it. Call me!

Ruination: (Noun) The action or fact of ruining someone or something or of being ruined.

Well, the writer's strike may be over, but that doesn't mean everything is looking good for television. With Lindsay Lohan rumored to appear on "Ugly Betty," Paris Hilton set for "My Name is Earl," and Britney Spears just having been announced to guest on "How I Met Your Mother" -- it appears that the three celebritards of the apocalypse have their sights set on the ruination of our prime time sitcoms.

Hmm... Then again... "Ugly Betty" and "My Name is Earl?" Perhaps "ruin" is a bit harsh. Tell you what, whores -- just keep your slimy coozes away from the likes of "30 Rock" and "Pushing Daises" and we have a deal. By the way, "Cavemen" might be gone soon -- so, better strike while the iron's hot!

Avril went on Ashton Kutcher's assy little "punk the paparazzi" show. Oh snap, celebrities! Manufacturing stunts which gives us ammo to make of you? The egg on our face! (IDLYITW)

Someone is stalking Britney Spears. And not in the "rid the world of her evil" kind of way. (Yeeeah!)

George Clooney might be secretly engaged to his "Fear Factor" girlfriend. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh. Good Lawd. New York is coming back with another VH1 celebreality show. (Celebrity Smack)

Miley Cyrus' mom learns some pointers from Lynn Spears. Hopefully she does the opposite of whatever Lynn told her. (Celebitchy)

You didn't need to tell me that the dude from Nickleback sucks dick... But his own dick? I'll admit, that surprised me. (The Blemish)

Oh shut the hell up already, Kelly Osbourne. (DListed)

Satan sends his love. (Pajiba)

Umbilicoplasty (Noun) Sometimes referred to as "belly button surgery," it is a plastic surgery procedure to modify the appearance of one's navel, or belly button. 

It's very possible that I'm being hyper-aware, but does Patricia Heaton not have a freakishly tiny naval?  That can't be natural, can it? Surely, she's had umbilicoplasty, right? There's no room in there for lint or fuzz. It's freaking my shit out, and I can't stop staring. Where is this woman's belly button?

Maybe she dropped it somewhere on the beach. I do hope she finds it.

Absurdism (Philosophical Belief). Absurdism is a philosophy stating that the efforts of humanity to find meaning in the universe ultimately fail (and, hence, are absurd) because no such meaning exists, at least in relation to humanity.

Clown: (Noun) A comic entertainer, esp. one in a circus, wearing a traditional costume and exaggerated makeup.

Mommmmmy! This clown you rented sucks. All she does is go on and on about how she used to be in Oscar winning movies and ask us if we wanna see her tattoo. And she's not even wearing any makeup or anything. Why couldn't we have just gone to Chuck E. Cheese like Skylar Johnson did for her birthday? You ruined everything. I hate you!!

Wibble (Verb) The state of becoming emotionally overwhelmed -- often followed by a silence because the individual is unable to find the words to speak properly. Characterized by the trembling of lips and chin.

Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson! Young Lady! Put on some goddamn clothes, girl. Did your Daddy let you out of the house looking like that? Did he see where that skirt ended half-a-block from your knee? You  best just march your ass right back in the house right this second and put on some respectable clothes. No -- you heard me! Don't stick your bottom lip out me. Are you wibbling? Suck it up, Emma. When you turn 18, you can dress anyway you like, but for the next month and five days, you best not be dressing like you're getting ready for the next Harry Potter Porno. Now, cover your ass before it catches cold.

 

Daydream Believer: (Noun) The 1967 #1 Billboard song by The Monkees, with vocals by Davy Jones.

Ahhh!!! Okay, Davy Jones. We believe you! We believe you! You used to be hot! Now for the love of God, just put away the old man titty!

Death Stare (Noun) The look that someone gives you right before removing one of your limbs and clubbing you to death with it. 

Bowel Movement: (Noun) An act of defecation; the feces discharged in an act of defecation.

This weekend Paris Hilton showed up at the launch of Kim Vo's Salon in Las Vegas wearing a huge, gaudy ring with the initials "BM" spelled out in diamonds (subtly held up to her face at all times) -- presumably in reference to new boyfriend Benji Madden. According to Page Six, when the event's organizer Ben Russo asked the heiress what the BM ring meant, Paris said: "It means what it means."

So... Who wants to tell Paris what "BM" means? You'd think she would have learned her lesson after that embarrassing gaffe when dating Prince Frederick Ulrich.

Lisa Marie Presley is having a little food baby! I know, I know. Cheap shot. (Yeeeah!)

But she could probably give some tips to Nicole Kidman about fetal nutrition. (Seriously? OMG!)

Pregnancy is treating Angelia Jolie exceptionally well. Hugeo preggo knockers well! (The Blemish)

Britney Spears gives her kids nightmares. Welcome to the club, boys. (CelebWarship)

Lindsay Lohan's uglier yet similar looking little sister gets ready to wreak havoc. (Evil Beet)

Something tells me that maybe Noel Gallagher shouldn't have so many guns. (Agent Bedhead)

Posh Spice takes fashion tips from Paris Hilton's shaman. (Ayyyy!)

Damn. Ellen DeGeneres is a lucky woman. (usemycomputer)

Ivanka Trump has really low self esteem. (Celebrity Smack)

What will you be watching this weekend when you're hungover? (Pajiba)

Fanboygasm (Noun) Over exitement similar to an orgasm only over something like a videogame, or new images from Zack Snyder's upcoming Watchmen film. 

Yay! (Noun) Used as an exclamation of pleasure, approval, elation, or victory.

Squee! (Noun) A feeling of excitement and happiness; a random ecstatic exclamation.

Bastard: (Noun) An unpleasant or despicable person.

Not content with being just a garden variety douchebag -- John Mayer has proven that he's an immature bastard as well, by anonymously putting down an ex-girlfriend on his blog.

Dear Ex Lover,

Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you.

Goodbye.

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

I don't know John, that might not be clear enough. If you're going to break up with someone like a 14 year old, no point in half-assing it. Maybe it would help if you punctuated it with deleting her from your myspace and then making your profile picture a photo of the two of you with her cropped out. That'll teach her!

Pavor Nocturnus (Noun) A parasomnia sleep disorder characterized by extreme terror and a temporary inability to regain full consciousness. The subject wakes abruptly from slow-wave sleep, with waking usually accompanied by gasping, moaning, or screaming. Also known as night terrors. 

Some say a picture is worth a thousand words; this photo, however, is worth a thousand night terrors.

*Mommy*

Flasher: (Noun) A person, esp. a man, who exposes his genitals in public.

Oh dear God NO. Someone please tell me why the fairer half of Filliam H. Muffman is dressed like a back alley flasher? Seriously guys, Felicity Huffman is totally creeping me the hell out. When your husband rocks a pervstache and you look like the one about the commit a lewd and salacious act, maybe you should stop and consider if this is really the impression you want to be making with your choice in attire. Just a thought.

On the Tip of Your Tongue. (Idiom) If something is on the tip of your tongue, you know you know what it is, but you just can't quite remember it at the moment.

Where have I seen Rachel McAdams before? I just can't quite place my finger on it. She looks exceedingly familiar; it's right on the tip of my tongue. Hmmmmm. It's killing me. Damn! Where have I seen that face before!?

Oh oh oh oh oh oh! I remember. I remember:

Broke: (Adjective) Having completely run out of money.

Jerry Seinfeld has said in the past that he wouldn't return to television like his other "Seinfeld" cast mates, because he already "has enough money." Well everybody, it looks like Jerry Seinfeld is broke! (Or perhaps preparing for a legal evisceration!) Because Page Six is reporting that The Seinfeld is planning his big NBC comeback!

Sources tell PageSix.com that the 53-year-old comedian is in talks for a new series on his old net. The show is being pitched as "just like Curb Your Enthusiasm, but with Jerry, instead of Larry." The series, which is aiming for a June premiere, will be set in New York and will feature Jerry Seinfeld playing himself in an exaggerated reality.

You know what the one thing was that made both "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" funny? Larry David. Without Larry David, you just have some bouffant-headed douchebag kvetching about the deal with airline peanuts. He ought to just call this show "Cancel Me!" because there's no way it won't be a sensational failure.

The truth revealed: Jen dumped Brad (after she found out he was fornicating with a goddess, of course). (Yeeeah!)

It's a sad day in Coreysville: Haim and Feldman have officially broken up. This time, for good. (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

The Housewives of NYC rendered rendered desperate, slightly off-kilter by illustration (Pretty on the Outside)

Jamie Lynn got herself a job so she can support her phantom baby. (Celebwarship)

One of 2008's ubiquitous cinematic presences will be one of D.R.'s favorites, the luscious Olivia Thirlby. Check the entire list. (The Film Experience)

Shame that The Squirt Queen can't carry an airbrush artist with her out into public, too. (usemycomputer)

If you itch yourself five times, you win! (Offsprung TV)

Remember that Shaman that Paris Hilton was photographed with? Turns out, it was a reverse Punk'd. Somebody got dunk'd. (Celebitchy)

McConaughey Theory of Perpetual Repose. (Universal Theory) The idea that one can be relaxed and free of worry at all times.

Alright, alright, alright: People Magazine is reporting that Mathew McConaughey is launching a beachwear line with a McConaughey approved series of swim trunks, flip flops and bandannas, as well as a large assortment of unworn shirts he pulled out of his closet. There is no word yet as to whether the beachwear will be made from hemp, however the line will be shipped with the McConaughey's trademark scent of testicle sweat, fritos, and wet dog. McConaughey celebrated the launch, naturally, by taking off his shirt. It looked something like this:

Lifetime: (Noun) Television network which features mind numbing, predictable programming about women who get beaten, raped, abducted by aliens, committed to mental hospitals, sexually harassed, brainwashed, etc.

Now I've made cracks in the past about how Tom Cruise is always dragging that poor Holmes girl around like a Raggedy Ann doll -- but seriously now, would you look at this? People, this is not a loving, marital embrace! Oh yeah, this has Lifetime movie written all the fuck over it. Ten bucks says she told people she "tripped over one of Suri's toys" to explain that fresh bruise on her wrist.

Below: Katie's InStyle spread. Nothing erases proof of domestic abuse like editorial airbrushing!

Bored Shitless. (Adjective) A way of describing your boredom, "bored shitless" implies that you are really, really bored, and have probably been for some time.

Geez, Natalie. When did Indolence become the new Sexy? Were you trying to take a nap during the Marie Claire photo shoot? How about a wink? Or a crooked grin? Anything to suggest that you're not just bored shitless.

 

Fed Up: (Adjective) Annoyed or upset at a situation or treatment.

When I first saw these photos of Chris Noth and actress Sarah Jessica Parker, I thought: What. The. Fudge. Didn't this fucking movie wrap already? Isn't it coming out in like a month? As it turns out, it's just an Annie Leibowitz photoshoot for Vogue. Which doesn't make it any better, really -- because if I'm fed up, I can only imagine how New Yorkers feel about this. Hey everybody, we're shutting down entire parts of the city again for more "Sex and the City" bullshit! Isn't that exciting?!

One things for sure, when this movie finally comes the fuck out, it's gonna be record breaking in the numbers of extras who give the middle finger in backgrounds of scenes.

P.A.W.B. (Acronym) Short for: Pasty-Ass White Boy.

Hey! Nobody told me there was a P.A.W.B. convention being held in Washington D.C. this week. I'm on the email list, and this is the first I've heard about it. Did I let my membership lapse? Oh, damn: You know what it was? I got a little sun last week shoveling snow, and I suppose I've been temporarily suspended. Shout outs to my boiz! Don't forget your sunscreen! Say hello to Philly Seymour Hoffman for me!

Creeped (Verb) To be sexually pursued by a creeper (usually an older perverted man); seduced by a creeper.

Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana reports that, though she thinks it's cute when fathers bring their daughters to her concerts, she's "creeped out" when she sees single, male fans in her audience.

In a related story, single male fans in Miley Cyrus' audience report that they're "creeped out" by the Inflatable Transgendered Sex Doll that keeps appearing onstage at Hannah Montana concerts.

 

Poser: (Noun) A person who acts in an affected manner in order to impress others.

Guess what everybody? Avril Lavigne is coming out with her very own clothing line, for the discriminating 14 year old poser.

"It's rock glam: fun, colorful, young and edgy," Avril Lavigne says of her new clothing line. The threads (ranging from $24 to $48) mimic the "Complicated" singer's signature skater-girl-chic style and include hoodies, jeans and tees in bright colors and skull and zebra patterns.

That's so funny! Because I was crossing my fingers, thinking "I hope there's gonna be skulls and crossbones," and then there totally was! The only thing is, I thought Avril's Lavigne's clothing line already existed, except that it was called "Hot Topic" and could be conveniently located at thousands of shopping malls nationwide.

There are days, I admit, when Angelina Jolie looks like the goddess everyone makes her out to be. This is one of those days. (IDLYITW)

Mario Lopez joins the cast of Chorus Line, insists he's still straight. (Seriously? OMG! WTF!)

I can't make heads or tails of this story -- either Keith Richards is going to be the new face of Luis Vuitton handbags, or his face is going to be made into a handbag. One or the other. (Celebwarship)

Woah! Lisa Marie Presley looks like she just got out of fucking prison -- she's hitting the Looby's buffet line pretty hard lately. (Celebrity Smack)

They don't make "gorgeous genius(es) of masculine menace, charm and vulnerability" like the used to anymore. (Sunset Gun)

What if "Angel" wasn't a vampire and lived in New York instead of L.A.? (Pajiba)

Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk about the government? (Yeeeah!)

FYI: How to survive a midwest horror convention. (All Movie Blog)

Fact: A television in your child's bedroom is more likely to turn them into Kevin Federline. (Offsprung)

Gene Pool: (Noun) The stock of different genes in an interbreeding population.

It's easy to make fun of Rumer Willis. Like, shooting Mr. Potato Heads in a barrel easy. But it's only when we get a glimpse of the respective gene pool do I realize that there's not much I can say that tops the merciless joke God has already played on her. And then part of me feels kind of bad. Fortunately, the other part of me still wonders why they let Quasimodo in the family portrait and when their step-dad is gonna jump out with God, hooting that they've all been punked.

Apology. Noun. a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.

I just wanted to apologize for yesterday's misguided David Krumholz picture gallery. That was mean, and no one needed to see that. Today, I offer you twice as many Taylor Kitsch images to make amends. Are we square?

 

Amateur. (Noun) A person inexperienced or unskilled in a particular activity; one lacking the skill of a professional.

Rihanna: I don't know who you think you are trying to pull off the dominatrix thing, but sweetheart, it ain't you. You may think you look sexy up there in your red and black leather and your knee-high boots, but missy, you are the textbook definition of an amateur. It's all in the eyes, honey, and all I see in yours is scared prom queen virgin on her way to the post-party at the Ramada Inn. Face it, lady: You're an amateur.You just go back to singing your silly little hippity-hop songs, and leave the dominatrixin' to the professionals.

 

Spoiler: (Noun) Something which reveals major plot details of a film, television show or book.

Holy spoiler, Batman! Photographers caught some hot Mulder and Scully action on the set of the upcoming "X-Files" film, which is set to hit theaters this summer. I bet nerds haven't been this universally titillated about anything since you could start ordering Pizza Hut on the internet!

Smoker's Breath. (Noun) A special kind of disgusting halitosis resulting from the tar, nicotine, and other foul smelling substances derived from tobacco's smoke that accumulates on a person's teeth and oral soft tissues. 

Woah, lady. Back the fuck up, Rainbow Killer (*Killer of Rainbows*). Can't you sign an autograph without breathing on a guy -- I don't think the $5 I'm going to get on EBay for your chicken scratch is worth the foul odor emanating from your pie hole. Damn woman: That's some rank-ass smoker's breath. Those are Dunhills, aren't they? Smells like some foreign critter crawled up inside your mouth and died. Have you ever heard of a breath mint? Why don't you run back inside, grab some Tic-Tacs, and flush your mouth out with some Listerine -- it hurts because it works.

Honorary: (Adjective) Conferred as an honor, without the usual requirements or functions.

Following suit of her television patriarch Bill Cosby, who has collected several honorary doctorates (as well as an earned one from the University of Massachusetts) over the years; little Raven Symone has finally been awarded with her honorary Associates Degree from TRL University.

Congratulations Raven! You deserve it.

Hulk Smash (Noun) A rousing ejaculation emitted before summarily destroying everything and everyone in sight.

Funsies (Noun) Means to do something just for the fun of it; term coined on the once brilliant sitcom, "Scrubs."

Oh, it's all funsies isn't it? At least until one of these young lasses loses a lug nut in her hoo-ha.

Valuable: (Adjective) Worth a great deal of money.

Well, the verdict's in! A Los Angeles judge has named 18-month-old Dannielynn as sole heir to Anna Nicole Smith's estate, likely making her the most valuable baby in the history of all time.

"We and Mr. Stern always believed that Anna Nicole never intended to disinherit her daughter,"' Stern's lawyer, Bruce S. Ross, said after Tuesday's hearing. "I'm pleased to say this chapter in the saga is closed."

The sad thing about this is that in addition to all that money, Dannielynn also inherited Anna Nicole's rich gene tapestry -- which will probably result in her blowing the entire fortune on magic beans or beef jerky or something. But the really sad thing about this is that I still eat chick peas out of the can for lunch and some retarded baby out there is a multi-millionaire.

What pseudo-celebrity has finally caught on to the latest Hollywood fashion trend -- wearing your gut over your belt? (Yeeeah!)

Sorry, but when it's a slow gossip day, it's easy to get excited about Anne Hathaway in her underwear. (IDLYITW)

Do you have any idea what happens when you mix corn starch and water? You get to know what Jesus felt like! (Galley Slaves)

What would your favorite celebrity look like without a neck? I have no idea, but here's what Kirsten Dunst looks like without one. (Celebitchy)

Kate Hudson is sporting some weird-ass butt flossage. (Evil Beet)

Another one of those "American Idol" contestants is a stripper or a terrorist or something unseemly. It's hard to keep track. (The Blemish)

Whatever happened to Kate Beckinsale's placeholder, Neve Campbell? Oh! There she is. (Usemycomputer)

Time Bomb: (noun) A bomb designed to explode at a preset time.

Billy Ray Cyrus is denying allegations that he forcibly removed Lindsay Lohan's phone number from daughter Miley Cyrus's cell phone after the two met at a Grammy party last month.

Cyrus, 46, emphasized that he wants his kids to think of him as a "best friend." "I wanna be the person [Miley] wants to talk to," he told Seacrest. Fifteen-year-old Miley has a lot of friends, and "I just want to be one of those friends."

That's great and all, but guess what? You're not her friend -- you're her parent. And as a parent, your number one goal should be to keep your kid as far away as fucking possible from Lindsay Lohan. But whatever. I guess if you're dealing with a ticking time bomb regardless, throwing a little napalm into the mix is really -- at worst -- only going to accelerate the inevitable.

Spare Tire. (Noun) Refers to excessive flab around a male's waist.

After featuring a near nude Javier Bardem, a shirtless Dwayne Johnson, and a hairy-chested Hugh Jackman, we here at WIMB wanted to take today and offer up a reality check by way of "The Numb3rs" David Krumholtz, seen above sporting a spare tire. Sorry my sistren, but it had to be done, lest you begin to think that all men looked like Javier and Hugh, thus giving the male species an unfortunate inferiority complex, which would thus drive them to eating disorders and self-image problems. And we can't have that, can we?

Click below for more back fat.

Thanatophobia. (Noun)  The fear of one's own death or dying. Some symptoms are shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, sweating, dry mouth, shaking, feeling sick or queasy, psychological instability, and a feeling of dread.

Never has a single image of a once semi-famous pop-singer/calendar model provoked so much Thanatophobia in me. This is Samantha Fox, people. If you were born anytime after 1977, you probably have no idea who she is. But, in 1987, I had a life-sized poster of Samantha Fox on my bedroom wall. I was 12. She was buxom. Gorgeous. And full of verve.
 
And now look at Samantha. Granted, for a 52 year old, she looks fantastic! Unfortunately, she's only 42. And if she decided to offer up a rendition of her one hit, "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)," I might just weep -- weep for the mockery that it would make of this woman, who looks like a boozy lounge singer well past her prime.

Jesus: Life moves fast. If this can happen to Samantha Fox in only 20 years, then we're all hurtling toward the great thereafter at a much quicker pace than I ever imagined. Hang on to your hats, folks -- death is at your door and you don't even know it. As William Shatner once proclaimed about life: "Is this all there was? What was all the fuss? Why did I bother?"

Indeed.

Fauxialite: (Noun) An attractive woman who lives beyond her means as a way to attain a lifestyle above her reach.

Hey everybody, it's the cast of "Sex and the City!" See, you've got the horse-faced one, the slutty blonde one, the conservative one, and the one who looks like Eva Longoria. Oh, huh? Wait a minute, my bad! This is actually a whole different group of prehistoric, dried-up old fauxialites -- the ladies of "The Real Housewives of New York City."

Clothesline. (Noun) A pro wrestling move in which a wrestler puts his arm straight out to the side and knocks his opponent over, either from his own momentum or his opponent.

FYI: Don't fuck with cricket players, streakers.

Starledrunk. (Noun) A famous socialite known for excessive drinking; refers to current crop of vapid celebrities who gain fame via copious amounts of alcohol and promiscuity.

Some enterprising, outgoing, go-getter apparently decided, for shits and giggles, to run a photo of Tara Reid through one of those age progression websites to see what the starledrunk might look like when she's 50 years old ...

What's that?

Nooooo! Really?! Get outta here! That's not a age-modified photograph? That's what Tara Reid looks like today?

Well, her eyes are beautiful!

Altruistic: (Adjective) The belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.

On yesterday's Oprah, Drew Barrymore announced that she's donating one million dollars of her own money to the World Food Programme to feed starving children in Kenya, as evidenced by the oversized novelty check pictured above. In a statement, Drew says:

"I have seen with my own eyes what a difference a simple cup of nutritious porridge can make in a child's life. It helps them learn, stay healthy and sets them on track for a bright future."

Porridge?! Just how the hell is porridge going to give anyone a bright future?! If Drew was really altruistic, she would have used that million dollars to buy one of those starving kids, rip that child out of his or her native land to be lavished upon a life of luxury and comfort. But I guess that's what sets apart so-called humanitarians like Drew "Half-Assed" Barrymore from the real saints like Madonna and Angelina Jolie.

Dayumm. Slang. Urban speak for "damn," unfortunately popularized some time ago by Martin Lawrence. 

Dayumm! Martin -- what happened to you, man? You look like a high-school science teacher who just bought himself a new XL wardrobe after finally resigning himself to middle-aged gut rot. And why not, I guess: He's resigned himself to working with fucking Donny Osmond and Raven Symone -- just cashing in before they take his SAG card away, I guess. And I'm not entirely sure why, but Symone apparently has some sort of lifetime free pass for her work on "The Cosby Show," making her immune to insult, even if her goddamn right boob, in the picture below, looks like it's about to rebel against the fabric of her gown and take flight.

 

Fearless: (Adjective) Lacking fear.

Yesterday Cosmo held their annual "Fun, Fearless Male Awards," and it was a bit glaring that several of the honorees, including Tony Romo, John Mayer and Dane Cook -- not to mention last year's Man of the Year, Nick Lachey -- are all members of a certain exclusive club. Which would of course be the "Douchebags Who Banged Jessica Simpson" club. So are they saying that any man who dates Jessica Simpson is fearless? Because really, I think that's giving her a bit more credit than she deserves. I'd say at best, a man who dates Jessica Simpson is ill-advised. If they want fearless, they ought to round up some of the brave men who have partied at Club Lohan.

Madonna's new track hits the internet. Yeah, no thanks! (DListed)

Okay, seriously though. Why would anyone in their right mind want Screech to endorse anything? For shame, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter -- for shame. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh. Fuck. NO. Hugh Hefner has definitely gone senile. (Ayyyy!)

J. Lo names mommy's little jackpots after cartoon characters, apparently because Frick and Frack were already taken. (Yeeeah!)

Somebody is about to flush a whole lotta money down the toilet on Scarlett Johansson. (The Blemish)

Sophie Monk really wants you to know she didn't get dumped for Paris. Um, we believe you? (CelebWarship)

No, you're not the only one who didn't find Ellen Page's lesbo skit funny. (Popoholic)

Marion Cotillard is French; says things "out of context." (IDLYITW)

Heidi Montag resorts to Britney's scraps. No, not Adnan. (PopOnThePop)

Oh Snap: Exclamation. Typically used as a third party reaction to a killer burn.

Kate Hudson on Katherine Heigl:

"Who is she?" Hudson, whose movie Fool’s Gold opened at No. 1 its first weekend, said in UK Elle. “Oh, that girl in 27 Dresses? I just don’t think about that stuff.”

Nicely done, Kate. Very nicely done.

In related news: Kate Hudson decidedly not pregnant, at the beach with Mini-Chris Robinson.

Spanish Eye Candy. Noun. Defined as: Javier Bardem.

You're welcome.

Thunderstruck. Adjective. Dumbfounded, flabbergasted, overcome. 

That is easily the dumbest fucking picture I've ever seenLohan pose for. High heels and a jackhammer? And what is that thing around her neck? An inflatable toilet seat? I'm completely thunderstruck. At least she's wearing clothes.

Sex Appeal: Noun. The quality of being attractive in a sexual way.

Just when you thought she couldn't possibly get any foxier, it turns out sex appeal isn't the only thing Amy Winehouse is oozing these days. According to her rep, the singer has been diagnosed with impetigo!

It's a bacterial skin infection that causes pimple-like lumps - and is "is highly contagious, and scratching or touching the sores is likely to spread the infection to other parts of the body as well as to other people," according to the Mayo Clinic's Web site.

Now, while that may sound completely disgusting to you and me, you may be surprised to hear there are people who actually have fetishes for pussing boils and rotting lesions. So in that respect, Amy Winehouse has never been sexier! Rowr!

Confucius. Historical figure. Chinese thinker and social philosopher, whose teachings and philosophy have deeply influenced Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and Vietnamese thought and life.

Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around.

Confucius say, man who fishes in another man's well, often catches crab.

Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts.

Flock: (Noun) A number of birds of one kind feeding, resting, or traveling together.

A flock of Slashes swarmed down on the L.A. Marathon this weekend, incapacitating runners and smothering innocent bystanders with the errant stench of cigarette smoke and burning hair. They say it was the biggest tragedy to hit the L.A. Marathon since the big "banana peel debacle" of '94.

Windswept. Noun. Open to or exposed to the wind.

Regal. Adjective. Stately, splendid; of or pertaining to royalty.

Farcical. Adjective. Resembling farce; ludicrous; absurd. 

Big Shot: Noun. An important or influential person.

Mischa Barton's rep has confirmed that the former "O.C." actress recently was approached for an upcoming role on "Gossip Girl" but turned it down. When are these network execs gonna get it? Mischa Barton is too much of a big shot for your little "television shows." She was on "The O.C." for like, three years. I think the girl's paid her dues. And anyway, I'll have you know Mischa is starring in an upcoming film about the Russian lesbian pop singers who had that one kind of popular song like six years ago. Starring. And don't forget about her Keds endorsement or forthcoming stint in rehab. So you think about that next time you ask Ms. Barton to take on a role in a television show almost exactly like the one who made her famous in the first place.

One Way Bitch. Noun. When a greedy and insensitive individual makes horrendous decisions benefiting only oneself.

Non-Actress Denise Richards, ex-wife of Charlie Sheen, has made a deal to drag her children through an ill-plotted reality based show as she "comes to terms with the recent loss of her mother and divorce." In recognition of Denise's inability to act, the producers intend to prick her children with sharp objects off-camera in hopes of eliciting a semi-realistic tear. (Courtesy: The Original Piker)