Whoo. Full disclosure of the Perez sex scandal. Click at your own risk, NSFW. (Evil Beet)

Do dick and pube jokes ever really not equal box office gold? (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of box office gold: a mishmash between The Breakfast Club and Unaccompanied Minors? Sounds fucking brilliant. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan is what she is. I guess that's her preemptive excuse for falling off the wagon? (Wendy Wayrad)

Victoria's Secret goes all Right Said Fred on our asses. (The Blemish)

Guess who's jealous of Kevin Federline?! Well, who isn't, really. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennie Garth is still cute as a button. A middle-aged button. (usemycomputer)

Semi-Pro: Same shit, different movie. (Pajiba)

Cadaverous: Adjective. Resembling a corpse in being very pale, thin, or bony.

Page Six posted this photo of Nikki Hilton looking rather on the cadaverous side. I guess all those years of living in Napalm Vagina's whorish shadow have finally taken their toll on poor Nik's self esteem. It's kind of a shame really -- no, I mean it -- because out of all the Hiltons, Nikki doesn't even make the top three of ones I'd enjoy watching suffer an agonizing death of starvation. Of course, that's counting Perez Hilton, too.

Below: Nikki at an event earlier this month.

Photographic Gibberish. Noun. Total nonsense images, unintelligible; photographs that don't make sense.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Giselle Bundchen -- Photographic Gibberish.

Pharaoh's Tomb. Noun. Undefined. 

Kate Beckinsale, formerly of Underworld, Van Helsing, and Serendipity, who has a brilliant movie, Snow Angels, in which she co-stars with Sam Rockwell, coming out in March, recently revealed that her "best feature" is a private matter, and that:

I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!"

Well, I'm stumped. I have no idea to what Beckinsale refers. Pharaoh's Tomb? No clue. I apologize, but given the lack of context, I'm unable to define the term. I'm at a complete loss. It's a mystery that will probably haunt us to the end.

Lucky: Adjective. Having, bringing, or resulting from good luck.

While visiting Conan's show earlier this week, Rashida Jones revealed that at 10 years old she spent a lot of time at Neverland Ranch with her dad, record producer Quincy Jones. One of these trips involved a mishap with Michael Jackson's chimpanzee "Bubbles."

"I have a scar. I was standing next to his cage and he grabbed something out of my hand. I opened the cage and the monkey started throwing things at me. I tried to punish him by lightly hitting him on the head, and he grabbed my hand and bit down on it like a sandwich."

Rashida, hon? Considering that a scar you picked up at Neverland Ranch isn't the kind that requires extensive, lifelong therapy -- I would probably consider yourself lucky. Like, serious, dodged-a-bullet, "ex-boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer" lucky.

Make the Baby Jesus Cry. Colloquial. When something "makes baby Jesus cry," it means that that something is considered so disgustingly, horribly unpleasant that such a thing would cause the Baby Jesus to weep openly. See, e.g., above.

  

Nightmare: Noun. A frightening or unpleasant dream.

Geeeesh! Mary Kate Olsen is frigging terrifying! I don't care how much everyone tries to convince me the Olsen Twins are some kind of fashion icons, because this looks like something out of a Japanese horror remake. God damn it. I'm gonna have worse nightmares tonight than when I watched The Ring.

Bye. Noun.  Used to express farewell, often conveyed with a simple wave of the hand. See also: Hi.

*Bye* Amy!

Doomsday Clock: Noun. A symbolic clockface which uses the analogy of the human race being at a time that is "minutes to midnight" where midnight represents "catastrophic destruction."

Rumors have been swirling all week that Britney might be pregnant with ol' Landing Strip Face's kid, after he went around and started bragging to all the tabloids about it. Now we didn't take much stock in that because, well, Adnan is a ginormous famewhoring loser.

But that was before I saw this recent photo. So... Yep! Looks like it's safe to set the Doomsday Clock forward another minute or so -- because Britney is smoking for two now!

Kate and Owen sitting in a tree. No -- Owen! Don't jump! (Yeeeah!)

How the hell did anyone spot this nipple slip? (The Blemish)

Rachel Bilson. Panties. You do the math. (Rad Report)

Heidi Klum loves .... balls? (IDLYITW)

If you take four or five of the most beautiful women in the world and morph them, what do you get? Hint: It ain't beautiful. (Fatback Media)

The incredible balancing dog: Cute or Creepy? (Seriously? OMG!)

Woah! That baby is cute -- I don't care who his mother is. (Celebwarship)

Okay, I suppose Mariah Carey does look pretty decent for a 38 year old woman -- if we could only keep her away from the recording studio. (Celebrity Smack)

Vows: Noun. A set of such promises committing one to a prescribed role, calling, or course of action, typically to marriage or a monastic career.

Jenny McCarthy said in a recent interview that she and longterm boyfriend Jim Carrey don't plan on getting married, and are happy just living together.

"All that's (marriage) going to be is a piece of paper, really. What is it a guarantee of? I'll be yours forever? I'll be faithful? Bull! He is the light of my life and we're more in love now than we have been in our entire relationship."

Well that certainly is refreshing to hear of a Hollywood couple just content with being together, instead of rushing to exchange vows out their asses by pretending to make their butt cheeks talk.

Brick Sh*thouse. Noun. Describes a person who is very large and muscular who is also generally thought to be good looking.

Dwayne "Don't Call me The Rock, "Motherfucker" Johnson purportedly has not only permanently given up his wrestling career and The Rock cognomen, but the Samoan brick shithouse -- who will next star as the Tooth Fairy -- has a little ambition, too.

“I had a chance to present an Oscar on Sunday and I was asked if I'd like to win one myself. And sure, of course, it's every actor's dream,” he says, with initially guarded enthusiasm. In fact, he adds, momentarily overtaken by the excitement of it all, “winning an Oscar is a goal of mine." (Source)

It's good to have goals, Rock Dwayne. I have a few goals myself: I'd like to bed George Clooney, I'd like to receive a $1 million tip from Pierce Brosnan, and I'd like to be the first dominatrix president of the United States. And you know what, Dwayne? I have a better shot at achieving all three of those goals than you do at scoring an Oscar, unless -- of course -- they start handing out Academy Awards for winning personalities. You're not gonna win a lot of awards with that smile of yours, Mr. Johnson, but you'll never be short on tail.

Now, take off your shirt, please.

 

Sex Scandal. Noun. A scandal involving allegations or information about embarrassing sexual activities, such as adultery, being made public. Sex scandals are often associated with movie stars, politicians, or others in the public eye, and become scandals largely because of the prominence of the person involved.

Here's a disgusting bit of gossip that, for once, Perez Hilton wasn't the first to post on his blog. Page Six is reporting that a young, up-and-coming blogger Jonathan Jaxson apparently got so desperate to increase his own page views that he sought out the advice of Perez. Hilton, in exchange, told Jaxson that he'd gladly help him out, if Jonathon would only do him a solid: Send him a personal sex tape. According to AOL IM transcripts obtained by the Post, Perez told Jaxson: "You should totally make a sex tape . . . (but not with me)." Jaxson wrote back, "I will have to make one on here for you tomorrow and e-mail it to you." [Hilton] responded, "Hot! Do it now!"

After repeatedly, desperately, sadly, pathetically demanding that Jaxson send the sex tape, Jaxson relented and sent him a couple of sex videos, including one of him masturbating. Perez, however, never helped the poor guy out.

Or did he? Because for the day, at least, Jonathon Jaxson may be the most popular blogger on the interwebs. Meanwhile, Perez continues to hold the spot for the most pathetic.


 

Brainiac: Noun. An exceptionally intelligent person.

It seems as though Mariah Carey is trying to reinvent herself as the "thinking man's woman." Not only does Carey have new album coming out titled E=MC2, but she enlisted the help of crapfest director Brett Ratner to direct the video for her first single, "Touch My Body" -- in which she is portrayed as a nerd's fantasy.

"Mariah looks better than she has ever looked. It's ridiculous," Ratner said. "Mariah has an incredible body, but she was always kind of very voluptuous. Now she's just like, fit. And we were like, we've got to show this body.

That's a great and all, but I'm pretty sure that Jack McBrayer, playing the aforementioned part of "the nerd," might actually be gay. You'd think these brainiacs would have picked up on a detail like that. But I guess trying to convince us that a gay guy would be attracted to Mariah Carey is about as believable as someone with an IQ in the double digits being attracted to Mariah Carey.

If you so wish, you'll find the video for "Touch My Body" after the jump.

Technicolor Vomit. Noun. Televised regurgitation; small screen upchuck.

Remember in the 8th grade, when you and your friends in the school cafeteria took everything edible you could find -- hamburger bits, ketchup, mayonnaise, pickles, soda, orange drink, milk, corn kernels, saliva, stromboli, cheese-like substance -- and threw it all into a cup, mixed it together, and gave some dumbass with mommy issues a $1 to drink it? Well, now we know what that might look like in sitcom reality:

Comedian and actress Rosie O’Donnell wants to return to television in a sitcom about three best friends that would co-star “The Nanny’s” Fran Drescher. Nine months after her abrupt departure from the daytime talk show “The View,” O’Donnell said on her blog that she had teamed with Drescher on the project, which is still in the early stages. (Source)

Yup. Fran Drescher and Rosie O'Donnell in the same goddamn half hour of television -- that's Technicolor vomit, folks. If you threw $5 million at an office full of television executives, they couldn't come up with a more lethal combination of annoying, grating, obnoxious, and detestable. Once I find it what network the sitcom will air on, I fully plan to delete it from my television, for fear that I might otherwise stumble upon the show and find myself searching for the nearest sun so that I might launch myself to a fiery demise.

Leash: Noun. A strap or cord for restraining and guiding a dog or other animal.

Hey Tom, you know what also works well in these situations? A leash. Yeah, she probably won't like it at first, and will probably scratch at it and pull in the other direction -- but once she gets used to it your life will be so much easier. And maybe while you're at it you can pick up one of those cones for Suri to wear around her neck. No reason really... They just look so darn funny!

Hi. Noun. Used as an exclamation of greeting, often conveyed with a simple wave.

*Hi* Eliza!

???. Noun. Used as a placeholder when you simply don't know what the fuck is going on.

Could someone please enlighten me? Has Marcia Cross been severed? Is she being tested carbon-based materials? Is she experimenting with super glue on her lips?

Influence: Noun. The capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have taken a break from hating each other guts (seriously, the header image is a year old and the most recent I could find of the two of them) to write a coffee table book to be titled Influence. Because if there's one thing everyone loves, it's a fucking coffee table book.

It will feature “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know — the ones who helped pave the way for us and our generation,” Ashley said in a statement.

Among them: shoe guru Christian Louboutin, actress Lauren Hutton, photographer Terry Richardson and writer Bob Colacello.

Also to be featured in the book? The person who invented sticking your fingers down your throat to make yourself throw up, their very first coke dealer from the "Full House" days, and the animal kingdom for being so fashionable once slaughtered and stripped of their hides.

Oh, Christ. Jennifer Aniston needs to get the fuck over it. (IDLYITW)

Nicole Kidman used to be able to smile without it even breaking her face. (Agent Bedhead)

Is Charisma Carpenter too old to be the new Keds spokesperson after Mischa gets dumped? (Yeeeah!)

Oh, grief. Britney might be pregnant again. Paternity is narrowed down to Adnan or Taco Bell. (The Blemish)

That's Sergeant Cocker Spaniel to you. (Ayyyy!)

Because we need another Spears baby like we need another Madonna album. Oh, what's that? Shit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Remember Mayim Bialik from "Blossom?" Yeah, you just might to leave it that way: in memories. (CelebritySmack)

Ahahahahahaha. No, really. Hahahahahaha. (Evil Beet)

Witless Protection will make you want to scrub your brain with a moonshine and Mountain Dew bender. (Pajiba)

Pervert: Noun. a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

Nice try, A.C. Slater -- now step away from the teenage girl. This isn't "Saved By The Bell," or even "Saved By The Bell: The New Class," buddy. And even when it was, I'm pretty sure you were like 25, anyway. So why don't you go ahead and find somebody your own age to grope on before I call Chris Hansen and the pervert patrol to take you out back and slam your dick in the cruiser door. Got that?

Lap Masseuse. Noun. Politically correct term for stripper or exotic dancer; one who dances naked and/or rubs his or her buttocks up against the groin area of another.

Unless for some reason your van down by the river doesn't have cable, internet, cell phone coverage, or easy access to print publications, you know doubt know that Diablo Cody, the Oscar writing screenwriter of Juno, was formerly an exotic dancer -- or, in more politically correct parlance, a lap masseuse. You may have also learned that nude pictures of Ms. Cody have leaked onto the Internet, and yours, mine, and ours in the blogger world have taken it upon themselves to post these scurrilous photos in an effort to increase page views.

It's a dirty business, this celebrity blogging.

And while we here at WIMB generally look the other way when it comes to nekkid celebrities (unless it's the Squirt Queen, but she hardly counts), we feel a certain connection with Diablo. She may, at times, be a punching bag, but damnit, she's our punching bag, and we feel strangely possessive kinship with her. She's like our stripper sister, you know? And in that respect, we don't appreciate it when people look at our stripper sister in the buff. That's why we've taken the liberty of covering her naughty bits with black bars. This is not one of those magical thumbnail galleries where you can click on the photo and it takes you to the good stuff; click all you want -- we're not giving up the dirty pillows. Not here. No sir. We'd prefer you respect Diablo's screenwriting talent.

That's not a joke. And stop your guffawing. I own a whip. A long one with synthetic thorns. And thanks to the power of Internet cookies, we know where you live. Watch it, Buster.

The owner of this ass got her big break when a school teacher overheard her, at age 11, singing an Oasis tune and suggested she had talent. She has a heart murmer and, at the age of 15, she attempted suicide. She also smokes 20 cigarettes a day.

Can you Name that Ass?! The answer, after the jump.

 

Fraud: Noun. A person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

Maybe the third time's the charm for Pam Anderson for putting this whole "marriage to Rick Salomon" thing behind her. Although Anderson already twice filed for divorce since getting hitched last October -- according to court papers filed last Friday she is now seeking an annulment, citing "fraud" as the reason.

Uhh, yeah. So what part of "this man filmed himself screwing Paris Hilton and then sold it to millions of people" were you not clear about before you walked down the aisle? Because I honestly can't think of any circumstance that may have arisen during the marriage where that wouldn't have told you everything you needed to know. On the other hand, if he was the one citing fraud -- then, well yeah. I could understand that. You know it had to be a real shock to the old system waking up next to this thing for the first time without all forty pounds of makeup on.

Hipsteur. Noun. A combination of hipster and poseur. So stated due to the recursive levels of irony present in many a hipster.

Ellen -- you know we adore you, right? But listen, all right. I'm just trying to be friendly here. We all want what's best. So, it's with the utmost respect that I reluctantly ask you to stop dressing like Juno. The movie is done -- all the awards have been handed out. There's nothing left to do but allow it to have its DVD run. You got two movies coming out soon, and two more in the works -- it's time to move on. Let the high-school hipsteur garb go. Burn the old wardrobe, Ellen. Stay out of Old Navy -- it's time to upgrade to the Gap.

 

Idiots: Noun, plural. Mentally handicapped person(s).

If you harbor any doubt over whether or not Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are total fucking idiots, take a gander at this clip of the couple trying their hand at "comedy." Self depreciating humor is kind of hard to fuck up, but somehow these two manage to make themselves look like even bigger obnoxious retards than previously assumed. If you don't want to watch it (understandable) I'll do my best to recap.

First of all, they proclaim themselves to be "the world's greatest assholes" because Pete mocks humanitarian efforts as being too hard, instead devoting themselves to the cause of illegal music downloading. (Like anyone wants to download their shit anyway.) And to solve this crisis, he says that he'll "make a baby, because you can't download a [fucking] baby." It's at this point Ashlee comes on camera with a pillow stuffed under her shirt, impersonating Britney Spears (I think?) by eating Cheetos and talking in a Southern drawl. And then it ends with a music montage to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" from Karate Kid -- which I thought was scientifically proven to add hilarity to any given situation, but somehow manages to do just the opposite here. It's as if the two of them are a vortex of suck which inexplicably drains humor from everything.

Deuce Droppings. Noun. Slang for excrement.

I've been reluctant to speak of this, if only because the very thought not only makes my ears bleed, it makes them spray geysers of earwax and hemoglobulous matter. But it's there. And this news sits on my chest like a steaming, three-ton pile of deuce droppings.

Perez Hilton has a $100,000 deal with Warner Brothers to start his own music label. Unbelievable! The man can't string a goddamn sentence together, and yet he will help to guide the future of our music industry. Would you trust a guy who dresses like that to pick out your music? And people wonder why the music industry is dying. It's not illegal downloads -- it's dumbass decisions like this.

And, of course, the ink hasn't even dried on the contract and Perez has already signed his first musical group. Here's their video -- and I have to begrudgingly admit, it's catchy!

Because it's as funny, or funnier, than its predecessors. (NSFW, obv.)

Dickhead: Noun. A stupid, irritating, or ridiculous person, particularly a man.

After getting sued for slander and defamation for calling Missy Chase Lapine, the woman whose book Jessica Seinfeld blatantly plagiarized, a "nut job" and a "wacko celebrity stalker," Jerry Seinfeld wants to let us know it was all just a big misunderstanding! You see, he was joking! Get it? He's comedian! That's what they do.

So I'm sure Jerry won't mind whatsoever if I call him a huge, egomaniacal, Scientology lovin' dickhead with stupid hair, who -- let's face it -- was the least funny part of "Seinfeld" anyway. See what I did there? I was just kidding! Oh no, I actually did mean all those things -- but it's totally just a joke. Get it? Hilarious!

Is it worse that someone has considered making a film about Mike Tyson's life, or that Jamie Foxx may play the feature role? (Celebrity Smack)

Kelly LeBrock has finally given up on dieting. Clearly. (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Aniston creatively works around the tick of her biological clock. (The Blemish)

The girl can't get a movie role to save her life, but Tara Reid can still pay her bar tab with photo shoots. (usemycomputer)

Natalie Portman waxes poetic about Shar-Jos Jo-Jos. (Seriously? OMG!)

JLove, sweetheart: We've all moved on regarding the topic of your ass. Some people even apologized. Now, it's time for you to get over it. Kapisch? (Celebwarship)

Fact: The Internet is a vessel of Satan. (Wendy Wayrad)

Who is the latest celebrity man to fall under the hypnotic chin swell of Rumer Willis? (Holy Moly)

Here's an idea: Try to gain a little box-office clout before turning into a goddamn diva; otherwise, you're just an obnoxious actress. (Yeeeah!)

Mind-Numbing: Adjective. So extreme or intense as to prevent normal thought.

Miley Cyrus has "released" a YouTube video called "The Miley & Mandy Show" with friend Mandy Jiroux, a dancer on her "Best of Both Worlds Tour." Even for something on YouTube, the above clip is so mind-numbing I think my IQ has actually dropped a few notches having watched it.

In related Miley Cyrus news -- Miley and dad Billy Ray Cyrus have been announced as hosts of the CMT Awards in April. Now I can't speak personally for country music fans, but considering that the Cyrus family is to music what a Slim-Jim is to filet mignon, I can only assume they'll be thrilled!

Below: Miley and Mrs. Cyrus at the Oscars last Sunday.

Wolfman Candy. Noun. Refers to an attractive, desirable wolfian being.

Say Cheese: Colloquial. Expression used by photographers to elicit smiles in their targets. When you say the word, the cheeks tend to lift, the corners of the mouth tend to turn up, and the teeth tend to show.

C'mon, Channing: You got a nice photo-spread in Vogue, man. Show some teeth. You should be happy. Smile, goddamnit. Smile! When the photographer asks you to say "Cheese," say it, motherfucker.

 

Rollback: Noun. A reduction or decrease; popularized by Wal-Mart as a savings/cost-cutting program, which is afforded to them by unsavory business practices such as low employee wages and overseas labor.

Known badass Ashlee Simpson took time out of her busy schedule of rule-breaking and general rebellion to promote her new single "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya) at Wal-Mart earlier this week. Because everyone knows that shilling for "the man" is totally punk rock. Oooh, I've got the perfect title for Ashlee's new song: "Rollback Girl!" See Ashlee? You can still rip off Gwen Stefani and appease your corporate sponsors!

Guffaw. Noun. Sudden boisterous laughter, usually in bursts. 

I wonder, when the folks putting together the "18th Annual Night of 100 Stars," if they let out a giant guffaw when they looked at the guest list? Or maybe the sponsors were under the misconception that it was still 1991 -- get a gander at these "stars": Alan Thicke, Andrew Dice Clay, Corey Feldman, Jenna Jameson, Lauren Holly, and Tia Carrere, who I haven't seen since Wayne's World. It's like a late 80s Razzies Reunion.



 

Burn: Verb. Slang; to insult or disrespect someone.

Not only has Paris Hilton recently been seen out with Benji Madden, twin brother of Nicole Richie's boyfriend Joel Madden, but sources are reporting that the heiress is also shopping around a new reality show in which she purportedly searches for a new best friend.

"Paris is tired of the haters and she's looking for someone new. She's looking for someone new and cool who she can trust."

Oh, burn!!!! I don't know what Nicole Richie did to piss off the whore mafia, but as you can see it's pretty serious. There's no way both of these douchebags would "just happen" to be dating heiresses. This must be all part of Paris' master plan to... uh, have sex with with Nicole's baby uncle!! Well, what do you want? This is Paris Hilton we're talking about, not Lex Luthor.

Oscar Hangover. Noun. Refers to the feeling one gets around 10 a.m. the day after the Academy Award telecast. 

Christ on a doom buggy! After a half-day red-carpet ceremony, a four-hour Oscar telecast, hundreds of Oscar party images, and 24-hours of fucking recaps, rundowns, and criticisms (all of which we indulged in), I've got a severe Oscar hangover. If I see one more brightly-colored gown or another pair of pasty-white legs, I'm gonna retch and then I'm going to torch the next dress shop I pass by. Only the Oscars could make me pine for Britney and Paris again; comparatively, they seem so refreshing and naive.

Let the long Oscar nightmare be over. Let's return the focus to where it belongs: Drunken upskirts and errant nipples. Bring it, Hollywood.

Go-Getter: Noun. An aggressively enterprising person.

According to a family friend, Jamie Lynn Spears has passed her GED high school equivalency exam. Her next big plans? College, baby!

"She's already got her diploma," according to the friend. "She wants to take her ACT. She's not wasting any time. People don't know her. When she gets something in her head, she'll make it happen. Everybody is so supportive of her."

Hear that, world? Jamie Lynn Spears is moving on up! It takes a special kind of sixteen year old go-getter to finish the GED before the baby's even born. You can't just "buy" that kind of moxie. The sky's the limit from here!

Pap Simpson moves onto screwing up his other daughter. (Seriously? OMG!)

Which Gary is more batshit crazy: Busey? (The Blemish) Or, Coleman? (PopOnThePop)

In all this Oscar madness, we neglected to mention that Britney got to see her kids, y'all! (Yeeeah!)

Holy crap! Tina Fey as a "Rock of Love" skanktestant! (CelebritySmack)

Imagine how pissed Sharon Stone is gonna be when she finds out that's not real zebra. (Ayyyy!)

Kirsten Dunst takes a break from rehab to go shopping at her favorite big box store. (Evil Beet)

More Oscar coverage than you can shake a shiny, man-shaped golden stick at. (BestWeekEver)

Our favorite Bedhead engages in some girl talk with Eli Roth. (Agent Bedhead)

Upgrade: Noun. An improved or more modern version of something.

Recently separated Sean Penn was seen hitting the Oscar circuit this weekend with model Petra Nemcova on his arm. Now I can't speak for Sean, but considering that Petra was most recently romantically linked with James Blunt -- this is a huge upgrade. Of course, if stupid James Blunt was your last boyfriend, a chimpanzee wearing a tuxedo and soiled diaper would probably be considered a vast improvement.

Backlash Fatigue. Noun. Exhaustion or boredom with a popular extreme negative reaction against something that has gained popularity, prominence, or influence.

I don't get it. When it was released, Juno was adored; Ellen Page was regarded with rapturous love; Diablo Cody was the greatest new female voice since ... I dunno ... Sofia Coppola. Damn near everyone was on the Juno bandwagon -- even contrarians with reservations about the quirky, arguably inauthentic dialogue conceded that the story was nevertheless sweet and likable.

And then, it's box-office receipts gradually began to climb. And then it was nominated for best picture. Ellen Page was nominated for best actress. And Diablo Cody was nominated for best screenplay. And thus, the backlash began -- suddenly, the coolest thing on Earth was to hate on Juno. "It was obnoxiously pithy!"  "It's too precious."  "It's too trendy ... too quirky." Blurgh.

Honest to God, I've got backlash fatigue. The Juno hate is boring.

No, Ellen Page didn't deserve best actress (though, I have no problem with her nomination), and Juno didn't merit best picture, but it was one of the best five of 2007. Cody rightfully won for screenplay. But more importantly, Juno is just as good today as it was when it was released three months ago. It's the same goddamn movie, with the same terrific performances. It hasn't changed; the fickle audiences have.

 

Nuclear Meltdown. Noun. Slang for a severe nuclear reactor accident which is considered very serious because of the possibility that the reactor contaminant will be defeated, thus releasing the core's highly radiactive and toxic elements into the atmosphere and environment.

It is a testament to Natalie Portman's natural beauty that, even when dressed for an impending nuclear meltodwn, she still manages to look better than 98 percent of the people on the face of the soon-to-be-destroyed-by-a-long-nuclear-winter Earth.

Above is Javier Bardem's response to Jimmy Kimmel's "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck," itself a response to Sarah Silverman's, "I'm Fucking Matt Damon."

Chandelier: Noun. A decorative hanging light with branches for several light bulbs or candles.

It's not that I hate Nicole Kidman's dress... Well, no. That's not true. I guess I do hate it. It's really just kind or ugly and boring. But what I hate hate is that awful chandelier she's got draped around her neck. It's like she dug it out of the prop closet at a community college theater. And while we're on the subject of accessories, I think she could do with a better husband, too. I'm just saying.

Whatever: Exclamation. Used to express skepticism or exasperation.

Oh whatever, Heigl -- with your perfectly fitting toga dress and your beauty pageant hair. Did you know that your shade of lipstick is the exact same color as your dress? Was that planned or just an unfortunate coincidence?

Bedhead: Noun. A disarrayed hairstyle, as from sleeping.

Now, in most circumstances, there's nothing wrong with a little bedhead. In some circles, it's even known to be quite fashionable. (Not to mention one of our friends even built an entire persona around it.)

But one place where bedhead will probably never be acceptable is at the Oscars. Especially some sorry-ass looking bedhead like Renee Zellweger's, here. Not only is it messy and unattractive (which is more or less the goal) but it reeks of effort (decidedly not the goal.) I know Renee -- it is hard to find decent formal hairstyles for short hair. You should see the bouffant I was rocking at my sister's wedding. But no hairstyle would have been better than this.

I will say that dress is way fucking gorgeous, though. So good job on that anyway.

In Memoriam. Latin phrase. In memory or to the memory of.

During the In Memoriam reel in last night's blahtastic Oscar Awards ceremony, the goddamn Academy inexplicably failed to include Brad Renfro in the list of Hollywood professionals who died last year. Why? No clue. I guess 26 credits over a 14-year career just doesn't cut it anymore, huh?

In either rate, we here at WIMB would like to rectify it best we can -- here's to you, Brad:

Brad Renfro: 1982 - 2008.

Bump: Noun. a protuberance on a level surface.

Angelina Jolie finally debuted her bump at the Independent Spirit Awards this weekend. Although a formal admission has yet to be made on her part, this must be her way of announcing to the world that she is, for realsies, pregnant. Well, either she's having a baby or recently took part in some sort of competitive food eating contest, anyway. Because when a woman's stomach looks like that, she's got a baby in there or she just ate 87 hot dogs.

Somebody better make sure Jamie Lynn doesn't stick that baby in a dumpster. (The Blemish)

Brad and Angelina are the proud owners of a Vietnamese orphan. (Yeeeah!)

Ashton Kutcher finally may have caught something besides "old lady fever." (Agent Bedhead)

Who said Kate Hudson was pregnant again? Bet they feel pret-tay stupid right now. (Seriously? OMG!)

Some movie assistant claims to have been seduced by Angelina Jolie almost 10 years ago. But since she's not running for, oh -- President of the United States, I fail to see the relevance. (Celebitchy)

Hey Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey! (popbytes)

Awww. Poor, pudgy Gerard Depardieu. (Ayyyy!)

Vantage Point: By the time you get it, you won't want it. (Pajiba)

A "major television network" is now casting thrill seekers for a life changing adventure-reality series. Ehh. I think I'm gonna go lie down on the couch now. (Celebrity Smack)

Perfection: Noun. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

Perfection, Charlize Theron is thy name: the quintessential Hollywood beauty. She continues to put all the other bitches to shame. If Angelina Jolie wore this dress -- and you know she would, too -- she would look like that arthritic old witch from Snow White. But Charlize radiates like her heart is made of nuclear core covered in solid gold.

Cojo-riffic: Adjective. Of or relating to the flamboyant, exuberant, fabulousness that is Stephen Cojocaru.

boo.ty.li.cious \'bu:t-e-'lish-*s\ Adjective. (modif. of MF butin, fr. MLG bu-te exchange) 1: curvaceous or voluptuous, esp. in the derriere (i.e., booty) 2: sexually attractive in a way that causes males ages 18-25 to desire to grope, fondle, lick, or otherwise touch the booty parts. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

Kim Kardishian may not have three brain cells in her entire head to rub together for fire; she may not be able to dial her own phone number without assistance; and she may be the biggest mockery of the American Dream this side of Paris Hilton, but you know what? As much as it pains me, I respect the ass.

Bow down, Beyonce: You have met your match.

Candy. Noun. Any of a variety of confections made with sugar, syrup, etc., often combined with chocolate, fruit, nuts, etc.

Hayden Panettiere has been selected to be this spring's spokesmodel for Kohl's exclusive Candies line. Did you know that "Candies" have absolutely nothing to do with sweet confections? I didn't. In fact, it's an exclusive line of shoes, or at least as exclusive as you can expect from a low-rent department store.

Also, did you know that Kohl's mission "is to be the leading value-oriented, family-focused, specialty department store." And you know, when I see Hayden in these Candies ads, the first thing that pops into my head is: "Family focused." If you'll excuse me, I need to go make out with my lesbian sister, Oxford English's Dominatrix.

Romantic: Adjective. Relating to love, esp. in a sentimental or idealized way.

Awww, how romantic! If it isn't Rachel Ray and her skeevy husband John Cusimano fatting it up over a frothy vat of Dunkin Donuts liquid lard! I would say it's just like Lady and the Tramp, only you know, that would be an insult to cartoon dogs.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree. Idiom. Refers to likeness and similarity between parent and child. Like mother, like daughter. 

The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Too bad it fell, rolled down a sewer grate, and popped out into a potato-head field. I wouldn't eat that apple if it were dipped in caramel and sprinkled with cinnamon and gold.

 

Nativity: Noun. The occasion of a person's birth.

Well, the nativity of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's babies, a.k.a the Latino Jesus Christ(s), has finally arrived, and zzzz... zzz... zzzz... snore.

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. "Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon," Lopez's manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.

Although we don't know the twins' names yet, we have heard rumors that Girl Lo reportedly threw a bottle of water in a nurse's face for bringing her Aquafina instead of Evian; and Boy Lo is skeeving out all the other babies in the nursery with his creepy, menacing leer. So, yep: these are definitely J Lo and Marc Anthony's kids! Congratulations!

Stymie. Noun. A situation or problem presenting such difficulties as to discourage or defeat any attempt to deal with or resolve it, Verb: To hinder, block, or thwart.

Fuck it. I'm completely stymied. I got nothing. You try to come up with something mean-spirited or snarky to say about Frances Bean Cobain when she appears in a photo spread like this -- she looks positively dignified. She's not exposing too much of herself. She doesn't look trampy. Or drugged out. She just looks like a kid playing dress up for a high-profile cover shoot. She's a little packet of adorable, I tell you. And to turn out as well as she has with that Mom? And no father? She must have had one hell of a decent nanny.

Good for her.

 

Gotchies: Noun. Slang term for underwear.

Heidi Klum is seen here posing with some fancy gotchies at the Victoria's Secret Reveals Hollywood's Red Carpet Secrets event on Thursday -- and I guess I'm starting to understand why they usually have the supermodels put on the underwear to model it. Otherwise, it's just like, overpriced crap in a box that'll fall apart on you the first time you try to wash it. Which is obviously not nearly as glamorous.

Holy Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, Batman! (Yeeeah!)

I've recently discovered that, if you turn on the hair dryer, the vacuum cleaner, and a blender, and then play Paula Adbuld's new music video backwards, it actually sounds pretty good! (The Blemish)

Rainbow Killer looks as though all the rainbow joy has been completely sucked from her body. Pauvre Katie. (Evil Beet)

Enjoy the visual joys that are Eliza Dushku. Just cause. (usemycomputer)

Martha Stewart continues her quest for world domination, buys celebrity chef. (Gabsmash)

It wasn't at the Peach Pit, but this mini-reunion may satiate "90210"ers until the inevitable remake. (Seriously? OMG!)

Remember our story about Johnny Knoxville nearly losing his testicles during a motorcycle stunt? Here's the video goodness. (Celebwarship)

Pete Doherty beautifully rendered in chicken scratch. (Celebrity Smack)

Puerto Rican: Adjective. Relating to a native or resident of Puerto Rico.

Lindsay Lohan is in Milan for fashion week this week, which is probably not the best place for her recovery given the All-You-Can-Eat Dick & Champagne buffet that took place last time she was in town. And you know she's feeling ornery when she's got spray tan jacked up to "Puerto Rican."

Shlumpadinka. Adjective. Coined by Oprah Winfrey, the term refers to someone who, fashion-wise, has completely given up.

Wanker. Noun. A complete tosser. Someone who makes as little effort as they can possibly get away with.

Fuck me! You are a wanker, Perez. A class-A dipshit. What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously? How many times were you dropped on your goddamn head as a child? In what fucking universe is it cool to show up to a prestigious awards ceremony in a fur coat and a shower cap? Have some goddamn respect for yourself. And for the ceremony you're attending, even if it another self-congratulatory affair. You're almost 30 years old now: Where's your dignity? If you don't want to be a walking punchline, then stop dressing like one, shitbird. How much do you have to loathe yourself to go out into the world dressed like a cartoon ape? You're the most popular blogger in the world, man: Do you see the impression that you make for all other bloggers? We besmirch ourselves enough as it is, jackass -- we don't need your help.

I hope PETA takes you out behind a woodshed and smothers you with that fur coat. Maybe put your out of your goddamn misery because, honestly, I'm starting to feel pity for you, Perez. Some real goddamn pity.

Ambiguous: Adjective. Open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning.

Kenny G and uh, "guest." Good Lord, is that Cojo?! How does that saying go? The couple that's weirdly ambiguous together, stays together?

Box Office Gold. Noun. Refers to a film or star that is a sure thing -- that will or has resulted in considerable tickets sales for a film. 

Although Jessica Simpson's Blonde Ambition failed to generate much in the way of ticket sales in America (the final tally was 17 admissions sold, I believe), Jessica and her film debuted at number one in ... the Ukraine.

"The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies," Conor Bresnan, editor-in-chief of Box Office Mojo International, told People.com. "When these comedies have big-name celebrities like Jessica Simpson's, that's all that's needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So films like 'Blonde Ambition' will gross more than 'No Country for Old Men.' (Source)

That's great! In a country with one of the highest death and alcoholism rates in the world, Jessica Simpson freakin' box-office gold! Did you know that alcohol poisoning is one of the leading causes of death in the Ukraine? It make sense now, doesn't it? The entire country is completely shit-faced; of course, they love Jessica Simpson. They have no brain cells left.

 

Vroom: Noun. The roaring sound of an engine or motor vehicle.

You know what's crazy about Christina Ricci? Sometimes she looks petite and gorgeous, and other times she looks like some kind of gnarled, fanged little troll. Obviously, this happens to be one of the former, as she appears here to be mostly radiant. Just one thing though: Vroom! Vroom! What's up with the godforsaken racing stripes? Doesn't she know racing stripes and formal wear go together like Nascar and caviar? Or Nascar and Gay Pride? Or Nascar and sobriety? Or Nascar and (insert any one of a million interchangeable Nascar jokes here)?

OMGWTFBBQ. Gibberish. A meaningless acronym, originated on Something Awful, which most often stands for "Oh My God What The Fuck Barbeque." It can be interpreted simply as gibberish, or used when one wants to emphasize one's own incoherence or lack of understanding.

Confidence: Noun. A feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

Because the retarded confidence of these two knows no bounds, I have more Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt news for you this morning. Uh, hooray! At an Electronic Arts' event last week, Spencer Pratt told reporters that a "Heidi and Spencer" video game is in the works.

Pratt, who said he is collaborating with EA on the game, told Us, “it's top secret. Let's just say that everyone will be addicted.” He said “there's going to be two versions: the adult version and the one for minors,” adding, “just be ready, that's all I have to say.” Expect the game to hit shelves in 2009, Pratt said, “right around Christmastime, probably.”

EA did not return e-mails for comment.

Most people don't know this, but back in the early 90's, Capcom released a Domino's Pizza themed video game called "Yo! Noid." So... Yep, a Spencer and Heidi video game pretty much sounds like the dumbest idea for a video game I've ever heard in my life.

To start off today's Snaps, I'd like to offer my most sincere apologies to anyone who may have come across any X-rated ads on the site in the past day or so. That was not something that we intended or approved, and promise it will not be happening again!

Amy Winehouse has bizarre scratches; patches of shit on her face. (Seriously? OMG!)

Nicole Ritchie is wearing girdle underpants to appear thinner. Haw-haw! (The Blemish)

Steve O vs. K-Fed? It's like they were separated at birth! (Agent Bedhead)

Did Scientology have another of their rivals smeared out? (Ghost of a Flea)

Angelina Jolie takes Maddox out minus her trademark pompadour. (CelebWarship)

As much as I don't care for Sharon Osbourne, I am all about her kicking Heather Mills'  sorry, one-legged ass. (Celebrity Smack)

Drew Barrymore doles out advice for Hollywood's starletards. (Evil Beet)

The weather forecast is calling for some ratty-ass celebrity hair. (Ayyyy!)

Scarlett Jonansson's new tattoo looks like it belongs with a Rasta beanie and frisbee. (Yeeeah!)

The new Amy Heckerling/Paul Rudd/Michelle Pfieffer movie is like "a caged cinematic fart rattling a tin can on your bowels." (Pajiba)

We all felt bad for poor, poor Shar Jackson after her babydaddy done run off on her with Britney Spears while she was pregnant. But after this interview with People where she, among other things, brags that Kevin Federline is "like her best friend," I'm starting to think Shar Jackson is really just a fucking idiot who was undeserving of pity in the first place.

As for how his boys with Britney Spears, Preston, 2, Jayden, 1, are doing, "They're good," she said. "I've always said he's an amazing father ... it's just now people decide they want to listen. He's an awesome dude. He makes mistakes -- people do that. It's part of life."

See, here's where Shar's school of thought and mine differ. See, I think a mistake is accidentally writing 2007 on your checks instead of 2008. Getting two different women pregnant four times in less than five years kind of falls into the "negligent loser" category. But then again, they're both famous now and they weren't before, so what do I know?

Beer Helmet. Noun. The ultimate party hat. Allows one to place two beverages into the handy canister holders in the helmet. Through the marvels of modern engineering, a beer helmet allows the wearer to actually drink two beers (or any beverage) at the same time.

UK's Daily Mail reports (in their hard-hitting celebrity coverage) that Courtney Cox -- under the stress of being both a parent and producing the second season of her tepidly received F/X drama, "Dirt," -- has gone from a size six to a size two in recent weeks. Apparently, Cox no longer has time to eat.

Here's an idea, Courtney: A beer helmet. Throw some of those weight-gain shakes up there, and you can drink your way back to a size six in no time while you're working and caring for your daughter, Coco. Best of all: You'll have the coolest fashion accessory in Tinseltown!

Grunge. Noun. A subgenre of punk that included bands such as Green River, The Melvins and Soundgarden. Though these bands combined elements of heavy metal and punk, the term was mainly coined to describe the murky and dirty guitar sound. The band Nirvana was responsible for bringing grunge to the mainstream.

I don't understand how this works in pop-culture's space/time continuum because it seems really fucking weird that -- the day after Molly Ringwald turned 40 and the week after Jennifer Aniston turned 39 -- Kurt Cobain would've turned 40 had he not made a date with a shotgun blast back in 1994. I'd like to think that, rather than "fade away," Cobain -- had he lived -- would be among us, probably shilling for a cell-phone company, touring the state fair circuit with Pearl Jam, and rambling incoherently about the modern state of music.

And you know what? I'd be totally all right with that. Happy Birthday, Kurt. Have some penny royal tea in grunge heaven for me, brother.

Witch: Noun. A woman thought to have evil magic powers, popularly depicted as wearing a black cloak and pointed hat, and flying on a broomstick.

Yeeech! What the hell do you call this ensemble? Nicole Kidman looks like the kid whose mom was too drunk to help her with her costume for the school play, so she just slapped together some shit out of her bra and pantyhose, with some cut apart scarves and boas for good measure. I mean, you call that a witch? What's with the puffy sleeves?! But of course, the teachers all feel sorry for her and let it go because they know her mom works over at Al's Diamond Cabaret.

Old Man Saggy Ass. Noun. Refers to a woman who likes to engage in sexual intercourse with old, saggy-ass men.

You know that belly-flop feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right before you unleash your morning Odwalla bar all over your keyboard? Yeah: That's what I'm feeling right now: Upchuck City.

Gene Simmons has a sex tape. And I'm going to spew.

You can actually watch the entire sex tape for a fee, but I'm not going to provide the link because I fear it may be a violation of the Geneva conventions. Suffice to say, the lady he's wallowing around in bed with is not his wife and mother of his children, Shannon Tweed. It's a much younger girl -- an old man saggy ass of some sort. But worry not -- word is, the sex tape is actually a really spewtastic way of advertising a new energy drink, Franks. Apparently, it's great for stamina; unfortunately, it's not so great for your ass.

This just in: I will never drink Frank's energy drink.
 

Symbiotic: Noun. The interaction between two different organisms living in close physical association, typically to the advantage of both.

In keeping with my full coverage of The Other Boleyn Girl's press juggernaut this week, today we have the Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman's "We just really, really, really like each other" publicity tour: British Royalty edition. As you can see, today's stop on the tour contains lots of off-the-should ruching, and -- what's this? Forced smiles??

Am I reading too much into this? It's only natural that after this much symbiotic ass-kissing, some hairline cracks are going to start to appear. You can practically smell the patronizing "fuck you" all over Scarlett Johansson's face as Prince Charles goes, "Now, which one of you young ladies was in those delightful Star Wars movies?"

Shuddersome. Adverb. Refers to something or someone that elicits shudders, or convulsive shivers, as from fear or revulsion.

Eek. Mommy? Please make it stop. 

Stoic. Noun. A person who chooses to express no or little emotion, even in extreme situations.

Look at this: Kate Beckinsale is, like, the text-book definition of stoic. Despite the extreme situation, she's completely apathetic. I mean, how could anyone parade around a "Chevy Rocks!" event without pumping her fist, belting out Bob Segar tunes, and making out with strangers? And yet, Beckinsale looks indifferent, perhaps even slightly annoyed. She really is an outstanding actress, to be able to hide her enthusiasm in the face of so much Rockin'!

 

Fatties Inc: Hypothetical weight loss brand based on the fictional program to help people quit smoking in "Quitters Inc.," a short story by Stephen King.

After getting her ass fired from Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley has released a statement announcing that she is going to develop her own weight loss plan, which will ideally launch sometime next year. So... uh, yeah! Take that, Jenny Craig.

I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride. I am especially passionate about seeing to it that our next generations are not struggling with the same weight issues that my generation has struggled with.

From what I heard, she's going to call this new weight loss program "Fatties Inc." -- supposedly the way it works is that Kirstie Alley will actually come to your house and eat the food right off your plate. Insiders say it's got a 100% success rate, although side affects include "death by starvation" and having to smell Kirstie's "fettucini farts."

Tilda Swinton! You freakish, but weirdly attractive, looking minx, you. An open marriage? How very progressive. (Celebitchy)

Heidi Montag spends most of her free time on her knees. Praying. Probably for a decent fucking voice. (Yeeeah!)

Finally, our first gay divorce -- oh, wait: Pink is a woman? Oh, nevermind then. (The Blemish)

Damnit! What have we told you, Heidi Klum? Stop thrusting your hips in the air. (IDLYITW)

Who is this woman and why does she refuse to wear outerwear? (usemycomputer)

You know you've missed those once ubiquitous Britney cootchie shots; welcome back, 2007! (Seriously? OMG!)

Mary-Kate Olson chilling with some garbage. (Daily Stab)

Peep in on the 10 lamest autographs on EBay. (Holy Taco)

Looks like Jason Statham, like Rachel Bilson, could use a fucking omelette. (Hollywood Backwash)

Supersize: Verb. Produce or serve something in a larger size.

Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad Papa Joe are being sued by a fitness video company called "Speedfit" after allegedly breaking a multi-million dollar contract. Although Jessica recorded a DVD back in 2005, she later changed her mind and banned its release.

Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she's refused to settle, Astilean's now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, "They are hurting millions of fat people in America." Simpson's rep said, "It's a legal matter that's in the hands of attorneys."

Uh yeah, OK -- I'll blame Jessica Simpson for a lot, but hurting millions of fat people? Even at a million -- that's probably, at best, over nine hundred thousand more than the amount of people who would have bought the stupid DVD to begin with. And anyway, I think the only thing in the history of this country that has hurt "millions of fat people" is McDonald's Supersize offer. That shit was practically the holocaust for fat people.

Placeholder. Noun. A person authorized to act for another; a symbol in a logical or mathematical expression that can be replaced by the name of any member of specified set.

"Dancing with the Stars" has finally unleashed the roster of pseudo-celebrities, washed-up athletes, and ... magicians that will make up the "Stars" segment of next season's show.  They are, as follows: Marissa Jaret Winokur, Marlee Matlin, Adam Carolla, Shannon Elizabeth, Christian de la Fuente, Steve Guttenberg, Penn Jillete, Mario, Priscilla Presley, Monica Seles, Jason Taylor, and Kristi Yamaguchi.

The surprise here is that they are not all celebrity barrel scrapings. I actually have some nostalgic affection for Marlee Matlin, Penn Jillette, and Steve Guttenberg, and while I don't know what the fuck the King of Rock n' Roll's wife is doing on this show, it's not too big a surprise to see her there. It did surprise me, however, to see Shannon Elizabeth among the contestants, as I'd sort of forgotten all about her -- as the requisite placeholder in the celebrity world between Elizabeth Berkley and Jessica Biel, I had replaced her in my mind with the two others. I could've sworn it was Biel in American Pie and Berkley in Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back. 

Ow! My Balls. Title. Refers to the most popular television program running in the year 2505. Featured in the film, Idiocracy. 

Jackass impresario Johnny Knoxville, in an apparent bid to launch "Ow! My Balls" 500 years early, found himself in a hospital after his flipped his motorcycle doing a stunt and nearly lost his testicles (post-accident trousers pictured above). As he writes on his blog:

"I don't want to give too much away because it doesn't air until February 23, but let's just say before I did a back-flip on a motorcycle I should have learned how to ride one first. I have to go now. I have to empty the (expletive) bag on my leg that I have to

wear for the next two weeks until my torn urethra heals."

That Knoxville: He's always been way ahead of his time; it appears that he's simply trying to speed the de-evolution of life by five centuries. Dumbass.

 

Endorsement: Noun. An act of giving one's public approval or support to someone or something.

At the University of Dayton in Ohio on Monday, Spike Lee announced his endorsement for Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination.

"We are living in some very exciting times," Lee said Monday. "And the months leading up to the election in November will determine which way this country is going to go; forward or backward. It's up to you to do the right thing."

Really, Spike? Obama?? That's just totally crazy because I would have figured you for a Hillary guy. This election is just getting more and more redonkulous with each passing day!

I. Don't. Want. Your. Life. Movie Quote. Uttered by James Van Der Beek's Mox in the classic teen football film, Varsity Blues. One of the greatest quotes in the history of cinema.

Anyone remember Ron Lester's character, Billy Bob, from Varsity Blues. The fat guy? The one on the left? Well, it looks like he took Mox's words to heart, as he's decided that he no longer wants that life. After tipping the scales at over 500 pounds, the man -- with the help of gastric bypass -- has lost 315 pounds. 315 pounds! That's, like, 6 Nicole Ritchies and a Brittany Murphy. That reminds me of another great line in the seminal film, Varsity Blues:

"But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?"

Congrats Mr. Lester.

Frumpy: Adjective. The characteristic of wearing dowdy old-fashioned clothes.

After the hot best fresbian action yesterday, I'm saddened to bring you Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman's "We just really, really, really like each other" publicity tour: part frumpy. What the hell is going on here? If ScarJo had helmet hair and that skirt was made of denim, she would be a ringer for my high school art teacher Mrs. Allen -- who was gross, by the way. And I actually like the sweater dress thing Natalie is wearing, but in a way that I would buy it from Anthropologie and wear it myself. If I was attending a press conference (like the fancy ones in my dreams, where I'm voted World's Cutest Gossip Blogger) I would probably find something nicer to wear, though.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Noun. Refers to a sound that indicates the passage of time.

Molly Ringwald turns 40 years old today, and if that makes you feel old, then you probably are, gramps. In her 40 years on Earth, however, Molly has much to be proud of: She was voted by VH1 the best teen star of all time, she's been on the cover of Time, she's had a great song written about her, she's appeared nude in a film, she's been in a critically adored television series, she's dated Anthony Michael Hall, and, more importantly: She has a beautiful four year old daughter.

Your move, Jennifer Aniston. Tick. Tick. Tick.

 

Jackpot: Noun. A large cash prize in a game or lottery, esp. one that accumulates until it is won.

If there's one thing that wasn't already abundantly clear about Jennifer Lopez, it's that she's not above putting a price on her unborn children. With the impending birth of the Latino Jesus Christ(s), AdAge is reporting that People and OK! Magazine might be negotiating in upwards of $6 Million (!!!) for exclusive rights.

Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what J. Lo and Marc Anthony's little fraggle babies look like,  how much she makes on the photos, or if she names them Jackpot and Dinero. Because it doesn't change the fact that in 15 years these kids are going to fucking hate Jennifer Lopez, just like everyone else.

Can you name all the Presidents in eight minutes? Don't fucking lie to me; of course you can't. You're just lying to yourself, brother. (Mental Floss)

Ever wondered what Kate Beckinsale's shoulder looked like? It's rounded and fleshy, you dumb shit. Here's the photographic evidence. (The Blemish)

Jake dumped Kirsten because she's a fucking drunk. And because he finally realized that he's Jake Gylenhaal and she's Kirsten Dunst. (Yeeeah!)

The last goddamn thing I want to see on President's Day is Paris Hilton's seductress eyes -- I think my loins just threw up in their mouth. (Usemycomputer)

Speaking of Napalm Vagina, now you can send the one you love a very special STD e-Card. (PoponthePop)

Some dude that's married to Amy Winehouse but doesn't otherwise matter in the least overdosed in prison. Good for him. (Celebitchy)

You know how to make Ugly Betty even uglier? Turn her into an ugly-ass doll. (popbytes)

Alyssa Milano can jump up my ass. (Popoholic)

The stars of "Dancing with the Stars" will be announced tonight. Spoiler alert: They're not actually stars. (Seriously OMG)

Saggers: Noun. A woman's breasts, typically when hanging low like that of an elderly woman.

I don't know whose brilliant idea it was for Bert Stern to recreate his iconic Marilyn Monroe photo shoot with Lindsay Lohan, but as you can see the resemblance is uncanny. Or, it would be anyway, if Marilyn Monroe had been covered head to toe in hideous freckles and sported a pair of Grade A Saggers like Lindsay, here. Good lord, woman! Give her another year or two and those suckers will be reaching just shy of the bellybutton. Moo!

Thumbnails obviously NSFW!

Omelette. Noun.  A preparation of beaten egg cooked with butter or oil in a frying pan, usually folded around a filling such as cheese, vegetables, meat, or some combination of the above. Gourmet cook Julia Child once described an omelette as soft-cooked scrambled eggs wrapped in an envelope of firmly-cooked scrambled eggs.

Rachel: You know I adore you, right? And because of my affection for you, I'm only telling you this for your own good. We've generously defined omelette for you. So, now you know what an omelette is, right? Eat one. Or five. You know: Those three egg omelettes with six kinds of cheese and maybe some fucking sausage. Just keep eating them until we can see your legs again, honey. You're starting to look like an "O.C." Bobblehead Doll. In fact, I think a trip to Omeletteville may be in order. ("Bring it on down to Omelletville!")

 

McConaughNips. Noun. Refers to Matthew McConaughey's bare chest, often seen exposed every-fucking-where you turn.

The McConaughnips are like Britney Spears' crotch shots or John Updike autographs these days -- a dime a dozen and all over the goddamn place. You can hardly open your eyes anymore without that man's aureoles winking at you. And now, Dolce and Gabana has taken those rock-hard nips and gone and associated them with their bloody cologne. What's great about the noirish commercial, however, is the way that, when McConaughey is wearing a shirt, it's in black and white, but once he takes it off: It's in full color. It's like that Bon Jovi video, where Jon snaps and the whole thing turns to color. Woah, we're halfway there, woah woah ... 1987, I miss you so.

Auto-Cannibalism: Noun. The practice eating one's own flesh.

Because nothing says "unrealistic expectations" like getting brutally ridiculed within an inch of your life, Dumb and Dumber, (a.k.a. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag) are getting set to record a follow-up single to Heidi's spectacular turd "Higher" next weekend.

"When people hear what we have in the bank, it's gonna blow their minds," her manager-beau boasted. "Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out. I would say we have diamond records coming - they're gonna sell 10-million plus."

Well, that sounds about right. I know upon hearing "Higher" for the first time I damn near resorted to auto-cannibalism just to make it stop -- so it makes sense that either Madonna or Britney, upon hearing an entire album, would want to pry their chest plate up like a piece of cellophane and start spooning into their still beating heart as if it were a pudding cup.

Fat Bastard. Noun. On overweight man who makes life difficult; fat disagreeable male. 

Here I thought, last week, that the extra chin that Chris O'Donnell is sporting was indicative of his downward career trajectory. Turns out: It's just part of the new Hollywood fad for male actors: The Fat Bastard is the hippest, happeningest new look in Tinseltown. The latest to model this new look: Russell Crowe.

Get in my belly!

Cute Couple: Noun. A couple who is cute to an endearing or mawkish extent.

Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman's "We just really, really, really like each other" publicity tour for The Other Boleyn Girl took a stop in Getaroomyoutwosville during a screening at the Berlinale International Film Festival this weekend. You have to admit, they do make a pretty cute couple -- despite that seeing them like this together undoubtedly launches millions of perverted male fantasies while simultaneously crushing millions of male hopes and dreams.

Weenie Shrinker. Noun. The opposite of boner inducing; something or someone so atrociously unsexy that it causes shrinkage in the male area. 

BDSM: Acronym. Short for "Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism." A catch-all term for a broad array of sexual practices, especially involving restraint and inflicting pain.

Uh oh, looks like Napalm Vagina is trolling for a sucker to share an evening of BDSM fun. Little does this guy know, he's about to get tied up and set on all fours while Paris Hilton slaps a dildo on his bare ass and forces him to watch an advance copy of The Hottie and the Nottie. I guarantee you, this will be the last Craig's List ad this poor, anonymous soul ever responds to.

After a brief hiatus, Yeeeah! is back, and Jamie Lynn Spears is still a pregnant tramp. They haven't lost a step. (Yeeeah!)

There are no words to describe this YouTube atrocity except, perhaps, for awesome. (QuizLaw)

Hey! Is that Giselle Bunchen's bare ass? It is. (usemycomputer)

Looks like parenting has gotten to X-tina -- girl needs some shut-eye, like, yesterday. (The Blemish)

"Big Brother IX" amps it up, blow-job style. (IDLYITW)

I didn't think it was possible, but Maxim's standards have fallen even further: Look who is on this month's cover. (Hollywood Headache)

Aging attention whores really are the worst, though the pubescent attention whores aren't too far behind. (Celebrity Smack)

Speaking of, what's Janice Dickinson doing lately? Looks like throwing her legs in the air (like she just don't care). (Ayyyy!)

Before coming down with a bad case of bashmouth, Lilly Allen showed the world that she's really just an angry, confused teenager deep down inside. (Celebwarship)

Indicative: Adjective. Serving as a sign or indication of something; in this case also a poorly disguised pun.

Okay, so if owning a Porsche is indicative of peener size, what does that say about Nick Lachey with this diamond-encrusted toy car at the Hot Wheels 40th Anniversary Celebration? Hmm... If I had to guesstimate, I'd say old Nick here is probably hung like a hamster.

Oh, and by the way, hamster dick -- you might wanna go easy on those Baconators. I'm just saying.

Double Chin. Noun. The roll of fat under a heavy person's chin that gives the appearance of a second chin.

Chris O'Donnell, my man! What had happened to the Boy Wonder? You're looking more like the Boy Blubber these days, my friend. Jiminy Crickets, Dawg -- the failed move career got you down? Taking it out on that milkshake aren't you? Chin up, brother (both of them); things will turn around for you. Just back away from the fries, captain. It's only a matter of time before some industrious Hollywood exec thinks to do a sequel to Scent of a Woman. He'll call it, Scent of a Man: Day-old Mayo and Doritos.

Bashmouth. Noun. From the Urban Dictionary: The taste in your mouth the morning after a party, as if you want to shave your tongue. Side-effects may include one or all of the following: 1) Cottonmouth; 2) Coughing, vomiting, and/or dry-heaving; 3) massive headache but throat too dry to swallow aspirin; 4) aversion to natural light, 5) minor/spatial amnesia; 6) wanting or using more alcohol to flush down the taste; and 7) blue handprints on your toilet.

I would not want to be Lilly Allen in this picture. Her bashmouth probably tastes like a fucking Tickle Me Elmo doll that's been run through the sewer and dipped in an ashtray. Blech.

Eunuch: Noun. A man whose testes are nonfunctioning or have been removed.

Earlier this week we reported that Gary Coleman was secretly married and had finally lost his virginity at age 40. Well, as it turns out -- only half of that was true. Guess which half?

Coleman, who turned 40 last week, tells news show "The Insider" he's still a virgin: "It's my business, it's my issue and I really don't think it's a problem."

But he insists he never set out to become a 40-year-old virgin: "I don't choose to be one, I just am. I have love in my heart, I have the desire; I just don't know what it is. It'll happen when it'll happen, and it'll happen for all the right reasons."

Okay, so to recap: Screech made a sex tape with two girls who willingly participated, but Arnold Jackson can't even get it on with his own wife. Am I missing something here? The only explanation I can think of is that Gary Coleman is an eunuch -- which actually, would kind of justify him being so fucking pissed off all the time.

Fellatio Face. Alliterative Adjective. Describes a facial expression suggestive of fellatio. 

So, what do you think, kittens? Who has the best fellatio face: 1) Blake Lively (looks clumsy); 2) Sienna Miller (looks toothy); or Eva Longoria (looks cold).

Feral: Adjective. (Esp. of an animal) in a wild state, esp. after escape from captivity or domestication.

Paris Hilton is under investigation by the The Los Angeles Department of Animal Services after admitting to Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show that she owned 17 dogs. Oh Christ, here we go again. Can you imagine how much that fucking woman is going to cry if animal services takes away all 17 of Paris' dogs? I don't really see what the problem is here, because those alleged "dogs" pictured above are really only like 1/17th of a dog anyway.

Okay, okay -- I know Paris Hilton is an irresponsible, neglectful asshole. But seriously, how awesome would it be if she met her gristly death at the hands of a pack of feral, pissed-off sweater-wearing chihuahuas? I believe they call that "poetic justice."

bailing.jpg" src="http://www.litelysalted.com/IMAGES/bailing.jpg" class="mt-image-center" style="margin: 0pt auto 20px; text-align: center; display: block;" height="359" width="339" />Racking. Verb. The act of taking that which belongs to another, without right or permission. Stealing, esp. from large, expensive stores. Generally done as a hobby or as a means of survival for urban youth.

Bai Ling, known to most people as the Fug Girl's favorite target (she is otherwise completely forgettable but for the Fug excoriation), was caught racking in the L.A. Airport yesterday. She was arrested for stealing two celebrity magazines and two packets of batteries, with a street value of $16.

From the looks of her mug shot (above), I'd say she should've lifted a face.

Showdown: Noun. A final test or confrontation intended to settle a dispute.

After almost three excruciating years, it sounds like the bloodthirsty public might finally be getting the ultimate showdown we've all been waiting for: Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston! Me-ow! According to Us Weekly, Brad, Angie and Jen are all among invited hosts of this year's pre-Oscar "Night Before" party.

I guess the only thing left to determine now is weapon of choice. What's it gonna be, bare fists or brass knuckles? How about switchblades? Or we could rock this "Gladiator" style with a couple of pugil sticks and spandex? No, no! I got it... Two words: ninja swords. Either that or third world country orphan swinging. Place your bets now!

Nelly Furtado is knocked up. But what's really shocking is that she's only 29!! Christ, I assumed this bitch was like 40! (The Blemish)

Winehouse has a brand new Blake to go with her brand new teeth. (CelebWarship)

Which old ladies have got the most butchered up faces in Hollywood? (cityrag)

Rachel Bilson's cuteness is an epidemic which may cause seizures and dizziness. (Popoholic)

How can you arrest Bai Ling for stealing magazines?? It should just be like, "Oh, Bai Ling... Thanks for wearing a shirt this time." (Evil Beet)

If you ask me, there are no winners in "helmet hair." (Celebitchy)

Oh, do shut the fuck up, Avril Lavigne. (PopOnThePop)

The Indiana Jones and the Insert-Old-People-Joke-Here teaser trailer in now online. (Egotastic)

Au Naturel: Adjective & Adverb. With no elaborate treatment, dressing, or preparation.

Well, well, well! Would you just look at Miss Lindsay Lohan, here! I'm happy to see her finally appearing somewhat au naturel, what with her hair thankfully dyed back and her lips damn near deflated to their normal size. Now if only she can just manage to harness in those freckled torpedoes and scrub off that omnipresent layer of scum that clings to her like the film on a diner booth, she just might manage to smack this side of attractive.

Nipaphiliac. Noun. Someone obsessed with female nipples, especially in the context of celebrity nip slips.

I'm a decent sized fan of Amy Smart -- she's always been a very serviceable, inoffensively pretty face, and she never fails to bring a little zest to her roles. She got her big break on the ridiculously funny Road Trip, as well as the highly underrated Outside Providence (one of the few Farrelly Brother comedies worth anything -- Alec Baldwin was amazing). She also had a season-long arc on "Felicity" (she was Noel's pregnant girlfriend), and an eye-popping role in Crank, alongside Jason Statham. And who could forget sweet Jamie Palamino ...

You're not even reading this, are you? You're trying to click on the picture, right? You want to see the nipple slip, huh? What are you, a nipaphiliac?! Come on: You know we don't roll that way. Keep clicking, buddy. Pervert.

Oh, fine. If you fucking insist. Creepy-ass nipaphiliacs. Here you go -- Happy Valentine's Day, skeever.

Little Bo Peep. Euphemism. Refers to one who has mentally lost his or her sheep. See, e.g., above: Rose McGowan.

 

Nottie: Noun. Asinine thing to call a woman who is apparently the opposite of a "Hottie," compliments of Paris Hilton's idiocy.

Oh, Justine Bateman, what happened to you? As much as it pains me to say this -- and trust me, it really, really does -- you kind of look like "The Nottie" from Napalm Vagina's new movie. C'mon Justine, we all know you're gorgeous, but some women just take a little more effort to achieve their full uh, gorgeousity. Fix your hair or at least put on a coat of foundation; maybe try or color scene other than monochromatic -- anything, please!

Overjoyed. Adjective. Full of joy; very glad.

The reviews are in! Madonna's directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom, a movie she also produced and co-wrote, debuted at the Berlin Film Festival. And audiences are overjoyed with the final product. According to the Guardian:

She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens.

Deathly pale? Mewing like maltreated kittens? Oh, come now: That's just how Germans express their enthusiasm. You should've seen German filmgoers after the David Haselhoff sensation, Baywatch: White Thunder at Glacial Bay; they were crippled with joy, limping around sidewalks, foaming furiously at the mouth, and screeching like banshees at sex-toy orgy.

 

"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays her dead husband on the show are reportedly engaged. Well, good for them! Maybe it's just the spirit of Valentine's Day getting to me, but I think they make a really attractive couple. Plus, it's about time Jeffrey Dean Morgan caught a lucky break -- between "Weeds," "Supernatural," and "Grey's Anatomy," the guy invariably gets killed off of every television series he stars on. I'm pretty sure once he even did a guest spot on Sesame Street and Elmo tied him to a chair and set him on fire.

Pallid. Adjective. Pale; faint or deficient in color; wan. Lacking in vitality or interest; dull. 

Well, it looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar's complexion finally matches her pallid attempts at acting. Damn, girl: Did you let George Romero do your make-up? You look like you just walked out of Day of the Dead. Braaaaaaaiiins.

Care: Verb. Feel concern or interest; attach importance to something.

Writer/producer Ron Leavitt, best known as the creator of "Married... With Children" has tragically passed away at the age of 60 due to advanced lung cancer. Rather than elaborate on how sad and unfortunate this is, I will instead leave you with this rare poignant moment from his aforementioned series, in which Al Bundy reads an original poem called, "I Care."

Ron, you'll be missed, old buddy.

Hayden Panerriere is really turning out to be one classy young lady. (usemycomputer)

Did Britney and Adnan get fake-married in Mexico? (The Blemish)

Shouldn't like, Megan's Law or something somehow protect people from Paris Hilton moving to their neighborhoods? (Agent Bedhead)

Victoria Beckham is a total copycat. (Ayyyy!)

I hope Heidi Montag's next video is just footage of her sobbing uncontrollably. (CelebritySmack)

I am absolutely unimpressed by the alleged hotness of Frankie Muniz's ladyfriend. (Celebslam)

Kirsten Dunst's skankalicious ex-boyfriend is dating Hermione from Harry Potter. (IDLYITW)

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins gets four thumbs up! (Pajiba)

Famished: Adjective. Extremely hungry.

Lily Allen is famished. And just so you know, much like her cousin the boa constrictor, Lily Allen is fully capable of swallowing whole human babies, small animals and foot long sandwiches. You've been warned, so don't come crying to me when your pet Chihuahua or Turkey sub goes missing.

Ridiculous. Adjective. Causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable.

In advance of Season Two of her FX show, "Dirt," Courtney Cox did a photo shoot. During the shoot ... wait. Courtney! Jesus Christ, woman. Get off the fucking floor. You're 43-years-old, already. You're a mom. You've paid your dues. You were Alex P. Keaton's girlfriend, for fuck's sake: You don't need to crawl around on the goddamn floor anymore. Have some self-respect, lady. And put on some fucking clothes. You look ridiculous.

Man-Crush. Noun. When a straight man has a "crush" on another man; occurs most commonly in fussy men, this concept is powerful and can overcome one's life.

My man-crush for Ryan Reynolds is getting seriously out of hand. At the premiere for Definitely, Maybe, there were three outrageously attractive women, and honestly: The only person I care about is Reynolds. He's a dapper sonovabitch, isn't he? Take off your shirt!

... sorry.

Puppy Love: Noun. An intense but relatively shallow romantic attachment, typically associated with adolescents.

Oh, how fucking precious. The Cultural Antichrist herself, Heidi Montag and boyfriend Spencer Pratt. Like I'd have to watch a single episode of "The Hills" to tell you this is clearly puppy love. Yep, just like a couple of big, dumb, drooling Golden Retrievers; these two. Now if we can only figure out a way to keep Spencer from sticking his nose in people's crotches and stop Heidi from drinking out of the toilet.

Porsche. Noun. German for Penis Extension. 

Look folks: David Beckham is demonstrating to everyone just how small his penis is.

Pop: Verb. To cause (something) to burst, making such a sound.

I have no idea why anyone would wait until they're nine-ish months pregnant to start making the rounds as a social butterfly -- but in the past week I've seen more pictures of Melissa Joan Hart than Britney Spears and Paris Hilton put together. Now I'm not saying pregnant women should be "hidden away from society," if you will, until they're ready to be rushed to the hospital under the cover of night to go into labor. But when girlfriend looks like she's gonna pop right on the red carpet, maybe it's a sign to sit this one out. I'm pretty sure it's still a faux pas in Hollywood to break your water all over a pair of someones Givenchy heels.

Splenda Daddy. Noun.  A wanna-be sugar daddy, a sugar daddy in the making, or a guy who's not quite a sugar daddy because of lack of disposable income.

Gary "what'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Coleman recently revealed that he secretly got married in Nevada last year. Coleman, a 40-year-old-virgin up until he wed, says that his now wife, 22-year-old Shannon Price, was the first person he'd ever been romantic with.

Shannon, however, was disappointed to learn that she'd ended up with a Splenda daddy: He's got face recognition, but that boy is broke; last I heard, he's filed bankruptcy and was working as a security guard. In turn, Shannon is living a life of luxury now: Her job is to sell Coleman's memorabilia on EBay. She’s a great eBayer,” Coleman said. "She’s a fabulous eBayer. I hope she gets famous for that.”

Now that's shooting for the stars.

Score: Verb. To gain (a point, goal, run, etc.) in a competitive game.

Could it be? It's still early in the game, but Paris might not end up being the biggest fuck up in the Hilton family after all. Meet Barron Hilton: Paris' 18 year old brother, who has just crashed into the running like an errant Mercedes careening into a gas pump. No, exactly like that.

According to the eyewitness, Barron, who was clad in jeans, white T-shirt and black jacket, "was absolutely falling-down drunk and when the cops arrived he was handcuffed immediately." The 18-year-old had been traveling southbound on the Pacific Coast Highway with a brunette female in the passenger seat when he barreled into the station, hit the station manager and then crashed into a pump. "He couldn't find his wallet to give his license so the cops had to take it from his jeans," added the witness, who also said, "There were six cops and three police cars," and that cops arrived at the scene within 10 minutes of the call.

Let's see here... I'll award him 7 even points for skill, for driving the wrong way on the highway; 7.6 for transition, from the station manager to the gas pump; 5.8 for performance/execution, for the hearty 0.14 blood alcohol level he blew; 7.2 for choreography since he couldn't stand up; and finally 6.9 for interpretation, since he couldn't locate his own wallet on his person. According to my calculations, that gives him an overall score of 6.9, annihilating Paris' score of 6.2 -- making Barron the clear winner in the DUI competition. But we'll have to see how he does in the Sex Tape, Jail Stint, Overall Famewhoring and Shitty Reality Show categories before a clear winner can be declared.

Anna Paquin -- cinema's unappreciated actressin' gem -- debuts her production company's first film, Blue State, on DVD. (All Movie Blog)

In their quest to get the best Britney coverage, paparazzi agencies are purportedly hiring ... gang members? (Celebitchy)

In the learn something new every day department: Who knew leprechauns could have babies? (The Blemish)

Post-Apocalyptic Dane Cook is even more douchetastic than the existing Dane Cook. (College Humor)

Will Ferrell rocks a Heidi Klum ensemble in the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. (Egotastic)

Ali Larter totally epitomizes classy hot. (usemycomputer)

Breaking. This just in. Ryan Reynolds is not, I repeat: NOT purportedly about to ruin his life. Not yet, anyway. (Celebwarship)

More breaking news: Jamie Lynn Spears is still pregnant -- isn't there a pregnancy rehab yet? (Evil Beet)

Napalm Vagina: Noun. Unofficial nickname for the scourge known as Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton's new film, The Hottie and the Nottie, has officially been ranked the worst movie of all time by IMDB -- beating out such classic turds as Gigli, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, From Justin to Kelly, Manos: Hand of Fate and Glitter.

To commemorate this landmark, (with the help of our friends over at sister site Pajiba!) we're officially bestowing a new nickname to Paris Hilton to forever mark the occasion. Say hello to Napalm Vagina, everybody!

Of course, we could only pick one -- but outstanding honorable mentions included: Crustabelle McLazyLid, Crusty-Balls McHumpalot, Wonky-eyed Dicknose, Oswallow Bin Labia, The Organ Grinder and Satan's Shart.

Cleavage. Noun. The area between a woman's breasts, esp. when revealed by a low-cut neckline.

Damn, Scarlett. You think maybe you could save some room in the frame for Natalie? Your cleavage is pushing the poor girl off to the side. You might want to look into a cage or a holster; those things are running wild.

Stunning. Adjective. Of striking beauty or excellence.

For those that harp on us for only pointing out the negative here at WIMB: Behold Rachel Bilson. Jesus, she is stunning. Effortless beauty. Nothing ostentatious. She doesn't reveal a lot of skin. She just exudes heart melt. Granted, she's not a particularly talented actress, but she doesn't embarrass herself, either. Here's some more from the Jumper premiere.

 

Ugly Stick. Noun. A stick that has the magical property of turning anyone touched with it, ugly. A beating from the ugly stick will have a much more severe effect than just a casual touch. Ugly sticks are rumored to come from Ugly Trees, which in turn can be found clumped together in ugly forest.

What happened to Jamie Bell? Remember him as the oh-so-fucking-cute kid from Billy Elliot? Jesus: It looks like puberty coincided with a severe beating from an ugly stick. Those ears! He looks like an extra from LOTR. I haven't seen an pubescent ugly-stick beating this bad since Fred Savage began sprouting chest sprigs.

Soccer-Mom Haircut. Noun. Hair style frequently adopted by white, suburban mothers, characterized by shorter locks that are quick and easy to style. Frequently worn by SUV-driving Republican moms who can be seen in large retail stores yelling at their children and breaking copies of Grand Theft Auto.

 

Stumpgasm. Noun. The physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation resulting from stimulation of a limb stump. 

Tim Steele, a film editor who claims that he had a three-year affair with Heather Mills before she broke it off for her relationship with Paul McCartney, claimed yesterday that Mills was sexually insatiable. She purportedly had a hoard of vibrators for when she was home alone and "a huge back massager that she plugged into the mains." But the most fascinating revelation Steele made was Mills' fondness for stumpgasms.

Film editor Steel also revealed Heather, who lost her left leg below the knee in a motorbike accident in 1993, went wild with pleasure when he massaged her amputated limb.

He said: "Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone - her stump. I used to massage one particular area and it gave her an orgasm."

This the most asinine thing I've ever heard, but Us Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears somehow finagled access to a dance class full of five year old kids yesterday. Everyone does know she's a habitual drug user who just escaped from the mental hospital and incidentally isn't allowed within so many feet of her own children, right? Great!

Britney looked happy and upbeat, he said. Madonna’s “Material Girl” and “True Blue” were part of her play list. Britney led the class in “her favorite brown cowboy boots, fishnet stockings, a red short skirt, and a bluish greenish top that hangs down past her skirt.”

Parents for the seven kids waited outside while she taught. A little girl, who took the class, gushed, "We had so much fun. Britney was wearing little red shorts and she looked so pretty” as she and her mother headed to their car.

Ooookay, so that would be the outfit pictured above, which doesn't look appropriate to be worn panhandling for a fix, much less imparting your influence on a bunch of burgeoning minds. I should hope they at least had the good sense to have animal control on hand, with some of those tasers on the sticks that they use when bears escape into residential neighborhoods.

Quack Fu. Noun. A term of American/Chinese origins, often used by speakers of the English language to refer to Anatidae (duck) martial arts. Famed comic-book character, Howard the Duck, is believed to be the foremost expert in Quack Fu.

Sad news: Steve Gerber, who in the 1970s created the characters Omega the Unknown, Man Thing, and Shanna the She Devil, passed away on Sunday due to complications from pulmonary fibrosis. Gerber, of course, is most famous for creating Howard the Duck, the famed character in the 1986 movie of the same name, a film considered one of the biggest box-office flops in history (in fact, it made nearly $1 million in profit worldwide before it's theatrical run ended). Howard and his brand of Quack Fu, never appreciated during his time, nevertheless developed a cult following comprised of forward-thinking people, culminating -- finally -- in the DVD release of the film last year. I'm glad Gerber was around for it.

R.I.P. Steve.

Lolita: Noun. A sexually precocious young girl; from the name of a character in the novel Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.

Uh yeah, Kelly Osbourne? Lolita you ain't. Lolita's unpleasant British cousin, maybe -- but the only older gentlemen that would be sexually attracted to this thing are the ones you'd likely find trolling around on barely legal transgender chubby-chaser fetish websites. And those types usually takes what they can gets.

Paris Hilton shows off her dainty size 11 and a halves in a pair of drag pumps. (Yeeeah!)

Oh, and so you wanna know just how badly The Hottie or the Nottie sucked? (Pajiba)

Keira Knightley isn't anorexic, she's just busy. Huge diff. (The Blemish)

Whatever Jerry, like anyone wants your sorry, Scientology-loving, plagiarist-marryin' ass back on TV anyway. (PopOnThePop)

Nothing says "road to recovery" like getting your crack-mouth fixed! (Agent Bedhead)

Is Jamie-Lynn carrying that baby in her thighs or something? (Evil Beet)

Megan Fox dresses like a pin-up girl. (Popoholic)

Nelly Furtardo models the latest in tribal African neckwear. (usemycomputer)

Whitney lives, bitches! (CelebritySmack)

Wither: Verb. Become shrunken or wrinkled from age or disease.

Dear sweet Jesus, would you look at Victoria Beckham? Are abdominals supposed to wither like that? She looks like a balloon leftover from a party that just sits around for a few weeks until it becomes half-deflated and all shriveled looking. Or you know, a mummy that's been ripening for a century or two. Yes, that's exactly it. So uh, maybe someone should tell Posh she's about 100 years early for the Spice Girls: Walking Corpse Reunion Tour?

Zipper. Noun. Also called slide fastener, a device used for fastening clothing, valises, etc., consisting of two toothed tracks or spiral metal or plastic coils, each bordering one of two edges to be joined, and a piece that either interlocks or separates them when pulled.

Listen, Sienna. I know your movie career hasn't exactly taken off yet, but surely you have a few dollars you can scrounge up under your couch (look under the panties) cause your dress missing a very important element. It's called a zipper, Sienna. Look into it.

 

Biological Clock. Colloquial. Refers to an inherent timing mechanism responsible for controlling various physiological and behavioral cycles. Its measurement of time facilitates the nervous system’s integration of the needs of the body with the demands of the environment.

FYI: Jennifer Aniston turns 39 today. Tick. Tick. Tick. Happy Birthday, Jen! Tick. Tick. Tick.

Sickening: Adjective. To make (someone) feel disgusted or appalled.

Ugh. I'll tell you, nothing is more sickening to me than when couples start dressing alike. It's like, okay Kelis and Nas, we get it -- you guys are totally a cute couple. No need to beat us over the head with it. Now get a room, you two lovebirds!

Sex-bot: Noun. A robot that gives sexual pleasure.

Bitch, I tole you I was wearing silver! Now we look like a couple'a goddamn sex-bots! Nobody steals Beyonce's thunder. Nobody -- you old hag. Beyonce will cut a bitch.

Ah, cram it honey. I've done chewed up and left in my stool pieces of skank bigger than you.

Rainbow Retch. Fashion Trend. Popularized by Perez/Paris Hilton, Rainbow Retch is characterized by bright, gag-inducing pastels. Inspired by the cartoon character Rainbow Brite.

Elegant. Adjective. Refined and tasteful in appearance or behavior or style; suggesting taste, ease, and wealth.

While a lot of folks were fawning over the magnificent and not-so-magnificent dresses, suits, tuxedos, and gowns at the Grammy Awards red-carpet arrivals, I found myself fixated with "American Idol" reject Ace Young's ensemble: A T-shirt with three-quarters length sleeves, green strips around the bicep, and a classy Iceland logo on the left breast. Ace's gleaming white smile and elegant attire sends this simple message to adoring fans and music lovers: "Who the hell let this guy in?"

Drag: Adjective. Wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.

Now I do realize it might be a little unfair to rag on Brooke Hogan because of her uh, masculine features. But come on, there's just no excuse for formalwear shopping at Big Eddie's House of Drag. Okay Brooke, I understand. You just don't "fit" into clothing tailored for us regular-sized gals. But that doesn't mean you just have to go grabbing the first iridescent, bedazzled number you find hanging on the rack. Because, you do know Big Eddie's does custom alterations, right? Just ask Beyonce! Hmmm... Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at.

If you're looking for a realistic Ladyboy inflatable doll, this is it! The Miley Cyrus Ladyboy Doll is made from high quality material that feels almost like real skin, and the openings are made to feel as realistic as possible.

The Miley Cyrus Ladyboy Doll comes with a "surprise" penis that pops out when you remove her underwear, and her 4 color face is about the prettiest you'll ever see on a love doll!

The Miley Cyrus Ladyboy Doll can be yours for the low price of $24.99, plus S/H. Achy, Breaky mullet-wearing Dad doll sold separately.

 

American Dream: Noun. The dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for every man and woman, with opportunity for each according to his ability or achievement.

Amy Winehouse nearly swept the 50th annual Grammy awards last night, winning five out of the six Grammys she was nominated for -- including record of the year, song of the year and best new artist. Winehouse however, had to attend the event via satellite after having her visa denied likely due to ongoing drug-related investigations in London.

See Amy? This is exactly why immigrants have always flocked to this great land of ours in search of a better way of life. In America, we don't care if you're a crack-smoking miscreant. Not only will we still love you, but we'll prove it by handing you some of the most prestigious awards our country has to offer. It's called the American Dream baby, so put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!

Jesse Metcalfe gets PWNed!! (Yeeeah!)

Back off pervs, you can't lust after Miley Cyrus for three whole more years. (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan sure didn't pick up any ladylike charm or class in rehab. (Egotastic!)

Jennifer Lopez is trying to squeeze those piglets out before the tabloid deadlines. (The Blemish)

The world's most famous prostitute is in trouble with the law again. (Ayyyy!)

Vintage (I think?) Christina Ricci. (usemycomputer)

If Britney's dad still has full control of her assets -- how 'bout some pants? (CelebWarship)

Jesus Paris, will put those damn things away already? (BestWeekEver)

What's the technical term for a group of Victoria's Secret models? A gaggle? (Popoholic)

Pretty: Adjective. Attractive in a delicate way without being truly beautiful or handsome.

Wow Pete, that's a really pretty um, silk scarf ya got there. Were they all sold out of the matching skirt or is it just at the cleaners? It must be so convenient for Ashlee Simpson to be able to share makeup and clothes with her boyfriend. I bet that must be just like how lesbians feel!

Brain Damage. Noun. Damage to the brain, usually defined by dead brain cells which would otherwise survive.The general result is mental retardation.

Walt Disney Resorts announced yesterday that it was teaming up with "American Idol" to create an "Idol"-inspired attraction at the park. Though nothing is definite, engineers are expecting to create a roller coaster they will call "The Roaring Brain Damage." The ride will last two hours. Passenger cars will remain stationary, however, for 90 minutes of that time, while the patrons are treated to Ford and Coca-Cola commercials. The ride reportedly will leave passengers significantly dumber off than when they got on. Disney expects 30 million people a week to line up for the roller coaster.

Rock Bottom. Noun. The absolute lowest point or level. 

After a long, sometimes troubled career in which he's played Batman, Jim Morrison, Ice Man, and Doc Holliday, among scores of other roles, Val Kilmer has finally hit rock (fucking) bottom. In his next project, Kilmer will play the voice of KITT on the television rival of "Knight Rider." Man, that is harsh -- the guy has gone from riding around in the Batmobile in a $200 million movie, to voicing a shitty Ford Mustang in a crappy television show that'll be canceled two weeks after it airs.

Look on the bright side, though: At least he's not the voice of Herbie the Love Bug.

Would You Rather: Query. A game where you are given two options, one of which you MUST choose.

Which Would You Rather: Be forced to listen to Fergie sing whichever Guns N Roses song she is undoubtedly butchering the living hell out of in these photos; or have Slash put that cigarette out in your eye. You've gotta pick one. No exceptions!

Swap Gravy. Verb. The act of two women rubbing their genitalia together, thereby exchanging bodily fluids.

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz swap gravy in a steamy lesbian scene in the next Woody Allen film, Vicky Christina Barcelona. A source tells Page Six:

It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.

Gasping? Really? Given the median age of a Woody Allen filmgoer these days (77), I suspect that's just their oxygen tanks acting up. Don't get me wrong; Scarlet and Penelope are attractive people, but I suspect a Woody Allen lovemaking scene would involve entirely too much dialogue -- the usual Woody Allen patter. There'd be so much ketching about bra straps and over analyzing the semantics, that by the time they got down to doing the nasty, the audience will have already fallen asleep.

Pitiful: Adjective. Deserving of the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.

I'm not exactly sure why Corey Haim feels the need to make amends with us, since it wasn't our TVs he pawned for smack back in the 90's after his Lost Boys residuals ran out -- but regardless, he's back and he's got something to say! He's here! He's queer! I mean, um... He's ready to work again! Yeah! So somebody give him some work, pretty please? Because this pitiful, full page ad he's taken out in Variety could have paid for a lot of Ramen noodles, so it'd be nice to at least make it worth his while.

"J.J. Abrams is adding another J.J. to his team: The writer-producer has just cast Joshua Jackson as one of the leads of his new Fox drama, Fringe. Jackson — best known as wise-cracking Pacey from Dawson's Creek — will play a member of a unit investigating sci-fi mysteries." (Source)

Sagittarius. Astrological Sign. An astrological sign, which originated from the constellation Sagittarius, and is the ninth sign of the Zodiac. Sagittarius is classed as a Positve or masculine, extrovert sign; its element is Fire and its Quality is Mutable. Traditionally in astrology Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. Qualities include: Aggressiveness; short-tempered; drama queen; hypersensitive; loud; and annoying.

I can't be bothered to check on the daily status of Britney Spears, and since I'm pre-writing today's Britney entry the night before (if she dies tragically today, please don't hold my flippancy against me), I'm just going to check her horoscope and take a wild stab. According to Astronomy.com, Britney (a Sagittarius), can:

Expect a slow start today, no matter how many shots of espresso you go over your usual limit!

Well, you heard it here first: Britney Spears, after sleeping in, will die of an caffeine overdose. Take that, National Enquirer.

Denied: Verb. Rejected or refused; the ultimate insult.

Amy Winehouse got her ass denied by the American Embassy in London, after applying for a visa to enter the United States to attend and perform at the Grammy Awards this weekend. And I know what you're all thinking, that maybe this has something to do with her getting caught on tape smoking crack. But let's be serious though, people -- this is America we're talking about. Smoking crack is practically a national pastime.

No, the real truth is she got banned because the good people at the American embassy discovered a whole new strain of nits living in that goddamn beehive of hers. As you know, it's illegal to bring over foreign biological materials into the country, because you never know what kind of havoc that could be wreaked by introducing a new species into the ecosystem. She's going to need at very least, a serious head to toe delousing before they let her anywhere near this country.

Madonna's kid is gorgeous, but get her a pair of tweezers for fuck's sake! (Agent Bedhead)

Jesus Christ! Fucking explain this, Clarissa! (Evil Beet)

The Olsen Twins are filthy, smelly sluts who secretly hate each other. (popbytes)

Oh wow, the new James Bond movie is going to be just terrible. (CelebWarship)

Somebody tried to steal Shiloh, and the suspect's name rhymes with Fennifer Banniston. (Yeeeah!)

Kirsten Dunst checks into rehab. Shame there's no rehabilitation for fug. (The Blemish)

Mischa Barton is dating the director from her upcoming film. Uh, lucky him? (PopOnThePop)

Kylie Minogue has officially OD'ed on cosmetic surgery. (usemycomputer)

Does "Lipstick Jungle" simply suck or does it suck suck? You only get one guess. (Pajiba)

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Ashlee Simpson is continuing to insist to the world that she's some kind of rebel with her new song, "Rule Breaker." If your eardrums are impervious to shitty music you can listen to it here -- otherwise, here is a sampling of lyrics:

I just wanna color outside the lines
I've been reprimanded 'bout a thousand times
I'm a Rulebreaker
You know that I'm a Rulebreaker

S-s-s-s-s-some say I'm a black sheep
No, I'm not gon sleep late
Up around 3 o`clock, drinkin til my tummy full
You think I'm a rebel, sweet-talkin makin trouble
Get here on the double 'fore I break a little somethin down

Coloring outside the lines and "drinkin til your tummy full?" Okay Ashlee, we get it, you're a badass. Now why don't you stop and take a moment to consider the example you're setting for your young fans with this unbridled display of rebellion. These kids look up to you, and emulating this kind of behavior could lead to them chewing gum during class, or worse yet -- sneaking into R rated movies. So you just go ahead and think about that.

Drunk. Adjective. Being in a temporary state in which one's physical and mental faculties are impaired by an excess of alcoholic drink; intoxicated.

Elle Fanning has checked herself into Cirque Lodge in Utah.

Dakota's little sis made the decision to follow in the footsteps of Cirque patients such as Lindsay Lohan and Richie Sambora — after a week of wild parties at last month's Sundance Film Festival (in which she attempted to break up the marriage of Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gylenhaal). Fellow actress Eva Mendes is also in the mountaintop facility right now.Mary Kate Olson was treated at Cirque for food issues.

"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.

"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."

Fanning, 10, (who had a pregnancy scare last month) has long had a reputation for partying; bloggers have given her the unfortunate nickname, El Drunko. 

Menstruation: Noun. The process in a woman of discharging blood and other materials from the lining of the uterus at intervals of about one lunar month from puberty until menopause, except during pregnancy.

I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason this image is giving me flashbacks to the time in the sixth grade when they let the boys out to recess early and took us girls in a separate room to show us a short film on one of those old 16mm film projectors about becoming a woman, and gave us all pamphlets about going through "the change." Oooh, that's it! This totally reminds me of the cover of that pamphlet. If you overlaid the words "Menstruation & You" over Gwyneth Paltrow's face in some kind of fancy script font, it would be a damn near match.

Funderstatement: Noun. A contraction of "fucking" and "understatement," i.e, a "fucking understatement."

Lindsay Lohan, who in the last year has been in and out of rehab, arrested twice for DUIs, spent nearly an hour and a half in jail, and exposed every last goddamn mole on her body to everyone in the known world finally spoke to the turmoil surrounding her personal life. She tells Harper's Bazaar, in an interview appearing in their March issue:

"When I look back on this last year, it's like, what was I thinking?" (Source)

Well, that's a goddamn funderstatement if I ever heard one.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Harbingers. The forces of man's destruction described in the Christian Bible in chapter six of the Book of Revelation.

I know I've been mouthing off a lot of doom and gloom around here lately, but how you gonna tell me the end isn't nigh when we're staring down the Four fucking Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

From left to right: Death, Pestilence, Famine and War. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go scarf down an entire chocolate cake, polish off a few bottles of wine, call my loved ones and then go hide under my bed to wait for the damn apocalypse.

Ad Nauseated. Adverb. From the Latin, meaning "to nausea," refers to an act that's been repeated or talked about to the point of nausea, or to the point where it makes one sick.

Paris Hilton revealed to MSNBC that, in preparing for a role in her latest movie, she hired an acting coach for the first time, Ivana Chubbuck, who trained her in thespianship several hours a day.

"I've had a lot happen to me in my life. Now I've learned to use those experiences in my acting. I'll think of something in my life, use it in the scene, and it really works."

Having had only one significant experience in her life (repeated, ad nauseated), Paris was only able to conjure up one facial expression for the role, repeated in each scene of her latest epic, Hottie or Nottie. The expression is best described as: Blowjob Face. It's an expression that's catching on in Hollywood, influencing Blake Lively's latest pose, after the jump:

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!: Exclamation. A sudden cry expressing an intense feeling of fear, panic, or shock.

Everyone, remain calm! Britney Spears has been released early from the psych ward. I repeat, Britney Spears is a free woman. Please keep your pets and children safely inside and make sure to lock your doors.

Yeah, Sienna Miller is pretty... Pretty stupid! Like how I did that? (Agent Bedhead)

Amy Winehouse finally looks like she's had a meal and a good night's sleep. (Yeeeah!)

You Decide 2008! Heather Graham's outfit: sexy or skanky? (Popoholic)

Oh, big wow, John Mayer -- you have above average sized junk. Doesn't change the fact that you're still a fucking doooooouche. (Fatback)

Could be worse... She could be out with a homeless sex offender, or Lindsay Lohan. (Ayyyy!)

Hey, it's that chick from Destiny's Child who isn't Beyonce or the ugly one. (JordanIsYourHomeboy)

While I don't know who Edison Chen is -- I do loves me some celebrity sex scandal! (The Blemish)

Delta Burke also committed herself last week. Mental breakdowns are totally hot right now! (CelebritySmack)

Suuure, J. Lo's twins are hereditary and not the result of her gobbling up a pharmacy's worth of fertilization pills. (Celebitchy)

Bummer: Noun. A thing that is annoying or disappointing.

Plans for Kevin Federline's upcoming E! network reality show have been put on hold indefinitely, due to the still unfolding "Britney situation." I know, it's a real bummer -- but don't cry, K-Fed. Really. We wouldn't have watched anyway.

Sideshow Bob. Fictional. A recurring character in the animated television series, "The Simpsons"; originally the sidekick on Krusty the Klown's 's television show, Krusty's continuous abuse led to Bob framing him for armed robbery. IGN.com ranked Bob in second position on their list of the "Top 25 Simpsons Peripheral Characters."

Woah! Is it just me, or does it look like Sideshow Bob has fallen on some hard times -- Krusty's psychological abuse has seemingly taken a toll on the poor man's physique. It looks like he's had five too many Duff Beers.

Oh, and Adam: It's 2008, brother. It's time to let the dreads go, my friend.

 

Say Cheese: Colloquial. Expression used by photographers to elicit smiles in their targets. When you say the word, the cheeks tend to lift, the corners of the mouth tend to turn up, and the teeth tend to show.

Seriously: What is up with celebrities and their refusal to listen to photographer's directives. He said, "Say Cheese," motherfucker. What happened to Shiny Happy People, Stipe?

 

Glow: Verb. Give out steady light without flame, or have an intense color and a slight shine.

It's so obvious Christina Aguilera just gave birth, as you can see by the maternal glow she's sporting here. Either that, or all that sludge she spackles on herself finally ignited a chemical reaction with her skin. Yeah, it's actually probably the latter. But those boobs are definitely pregnancy boobs -- and likely filled with enough toxic breast milk to turn that Max into some kind of mutant super baby!

Special. Adjective. Euphemism for having a disability, esp. a behavioral or mental disability; low-functioning mental retardation in particular. 

This is why I love New York City so much. Just yesterday, the most compassionate city in the world decided to give a ticker-tape parade to this special little guy. Awwww!!! It's so sweet. And it just proves that, if you really put your mind to it, anyone can achieve their dreams!

Details of a restraining order filed by Lynne Spears against Britney Spears' friend and uh, "manager" Sam Lufti have surfaced, and it sounds like this guy could be solely responsible for "Insanity Tour 2007-80." Aside from allegedly drugging Britney, he also apparently disables the phones in her house, kidnaps her dog, emotionally abuses her, and manipulates the paparazzi. The whole thing can be read in its entirety here, but you can get the gist with this sordid nugget:

At another point in the evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney's checks and that one of them was for me. I told Sam that I hadn't gotten any checks from Britney. Sam then told me that they are in his car. He told me that if he weren't in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself. Then he said to me "If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave."

This is the kind of pure, unadulterated evil usually reserved for wicked witches and villainous stepmothers in fairy tales. Also, since Sam supposedly hates Adnan Ghalib and wants him out of the way, does that mean Adnan is actually Britney's Prince Charming? I never pictured Prince Charming with a landing strip on his face, but then again, in the fairy tales I read when I was a kid the princesses didn't go around exposing themselves and giving trolls custody of their children.

Jenny Craig: Organization. One of the largest weight management service companies in the world, offering a comprehensive weight management program that combines sound nutrition and simple activity to help clients achieve the balance necessary for optimal weight loss and personal well-being.

Hmph. I didn't realize that soft-serve ice cream had been added to the Jenny Craig diet regiment.  And I guess by "simple activity," the Jenny Craig program means: Walk to the car. But the most remarkable thing about this photograph: The ensemble -- the Jenny Craig approved drawstring hobo-pants!

I do have a sudden urge, however, to buy some wicker at Pier One.

Cultural Antichrist: Noun. The pop cultural messenger to a great personal opponent of Christ who will spread evil throughout the world.

I usually refrain from mentioning Heidi Montag and her ilk around these parts, since I'm not partial to adding any fuel to the useless, famewhorey fire that is "The Hills" and all it's bastard offspring -- but in this case I couldn't help it. Heidi has released this music video with the help of boyfriend Spencer Pratt, and it is with a doubt, the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Keep in mind, I recently sat through an hour and 15 minutes of the Hannah Montana concert movie, which was a fucking cakewalk compared to three minutes and change of this shit. It combines all the cinematography of amateur porn with choreography usually reserved for eight year olds emulating (pre-crazy) Britney Spears in front of their bedroom mirrors -- set to a song that sounds like it could be the backdrop to a Saturday Night Live spoof video. And yet, somehow these elements manage to come together to create a sum far more terrible than of its terrible, terrible parts. The only way it could possibly be worse is if that beach were to split open and unleash the rotting corpses of Hilter and Saddam Hussein from hell to approach that plastic malfeasance on all fours and put her in a pair of fingercuffs.

In summary, this video is nothing short of the Cultural Antichrist. May God hath mercy on our souls.

Guess the stripper from the description: "Leathery old boozebag astraddle a motorcycle with her worn-out catcher’s mitt spilling over either side of the seat like mudflaps on the back of a semi." (Yeeeah!)

The Juno backlash is nigh. Damnit. (FourFour)

Ashlee Simpson is tough. Really tough. And she don't wanna play. You don't want her beef. Trust me. (Celebwarship)

A $7 million insurance policy on chest hair?! Yeah, well, I got a $10 policy on my wit. (Celebrity Smack)

Brittany Murphy reclaims some of her body fat from vicious food terrorists. (Evil Beet)

DiCaprio finds himself a nice Jewish girl. In a bikini. (Egotastic)

Giselle Bundchen reneges on promise to run through Manhattan in the buff; Patriots still lose Super Bowl. (Bricks and Stones)

A heartbreaking song dedicated to Britney. I'm a little choked up. (College Humor)
 
Penis balloons! (Pop on the Pop)

Stinge: Noun. A mean or ungenerous person.

Avril Lavigne was forced to cancel dancer auditions for an upcoming tour after The Dancer's Alliance organized a boycott -- no, not on general principal alone -- because she underpays her dancers. So now in addition to shitty personality, poser, fake and plagiarist -- you can add stinge to Avril's long list of charming qualities.

Unfortunately, as it goes in these situations, somebody always loses. And in this case, the big loser will be Hot Topic -- which will undoubtedly see a plummet in sales once Avril is forced to pay her dancers what they deserve instead of spending the money on more pink rhinestone skull and crossbones covered merchandise.

Left: At the premiere, before watching Paris Hilton's magnum opus, The Hottie and the Nottie.

Right: In her car, on the way home, after watching The Hottie and the Nottie.

Go Time. Noun. When the time has arrived to undertake a task (often unseemly, difficult, or requiring courage), at which point there is no going back.

Copping a Feel. Verb. Grabbing someone in a sexual manner, esp. breasts. 

Doll: Noun. A small model of a human figure, often one of a baby or girl, used as a child's toy.

Natasha Lyonne popped up at fashion week after a lengthy absence from the spotlight, and also after apparently reinventing herself as a Raggedy Ann doll. All she needs now is Clay Aiken and you'd have the best Raggedgy Ann and Andy combination ever. Although, I don't seem to call any of the old stories featuring Raggedy Ann smoking crack and Raggedy Andy getting busted for soliciting a male prostitute.

Fucking Genius. Noun. An exceptional fucking natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work in science, art, music; a person having such fucking capacity.

Joss Stone, pop singer and fucking genius, showed up at the U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute's (NHLBI) annual Heart Truth awareness campaign on Saturday night and proudly proclaimed that she smokes rolled-up cigarettes, because they're more healthy!

In England we smoked rolled cigarettes. It's better to smoke rollies than straights because straights have chemicals that keep them burning. So if you have to really smoke, smoke rollies. (Source)

That's just brilliant, Joss. What's next? An AIDS benefit in which you proudly declare that you have "safe sex" with pre-broken condoms? A Mothers Against Drunk Driving charity event in which you claim that it's OK to drive if you're drunk on warm beer?

Understated: Adjective. Presented or expressed in a subtle and effective way.

Paris Hilton's new movie, The uh, Hottie & the Nottie premiered last night. And as you can see, Paris chose a characteristically understated look for the event. All it's really missing here is a tiara and a bucket of pig's blood.

Editor's note: Christine Lakin pictured below would be the titular role of the "Nottie." I hope the makeup team needed to make this woman less attractive than Paris Hilton win a goddamn Oscar for their part in this.

"Faithfully" is a popular song by the band Journey, sometimes often incorrectly named 'I'm Forever Yours' or just 'Forever Yours', from their album Frontiers. The song describes a "music man" staying faithful to his girlfriend while he is touring and performing on the road.

This news is a couple of months old now, but I doubt many people noticed it in December when Journey announced they had a new lead singer. Arnel Pineda. A Filipino. Who they found on YouTube, of all places. And who does Steve Perry better than Steve Perry ever fucking did. Jesus: If you watch one YouTube video today, let it be the one above. Prepare to relive your 80s prom all over again, folks.

The guy has a fascinating back story, too. Do check it out.

Worthless: Adjective. Having no real value or use.

If someone asked you how much you'd pay for a photo of "American Idol" loser Sanjaya Malakar, you probably say, "nothing," because that's completely worthless, right? Well, that's where you'd be wrong. Because apparently someone doesn't think Sanjaya is worthless, and that person is... Oh, Sanjaya. Along with his sister, uhh "Sanjette" (pictured above, before you get any misconceptions of Sanjaya getting any) the siblings demanded $20 from a paparazzi in exchange for taking his picture while he was in Arizona for the Superbowl this weekend.

Sanjaya, how do I put this gently? In a year from now, you're not going to be able to get your picture taken unless you make an appointment at the Sears Portrait Studio just like everyone else, so stop being such a retarded little jackass about it. Hmm... I guess that wasn't very gentle after all.

How many of you are familiar with the "The Wilhelm Scream" phenomena? Weirdly fascinating. (All Movie Blog)

Heterosexual male Patriots fan ease the pain by ogling at Gisele Bundchen in a bikini. (The Blemish)

Celebitchy does an admirable job of compiling the best of last night's Super Bowl commercials. (Celebitchy)

My personal favorite: The Planters Perfume. (College Humor)

Mandy Moore continues to do the term "full figured" justice. (Egotastic)

Amy Ryan is what I like to call "Ugly/Hot." (usemycomputer)

Conversely, I find that Rose McGowan is "Pretty/Ugly." That's just me, though. (Celebrity Smack)

Movies depicting pregnancy aren't anti-abortion; they're funny, damnit. (Nick Hornby's Blog)

Techtarded: Adjective. Of or relating to a person or situation which is technologically challenged.

During her acceptance speech for Outstanding Performance of the Year Tribute at the Santa Barbara Film Festival, Angelina Jolie revealed that she's techtarded, saying "As Brad knows, I don't really how to turn on a computer." Well that's kind of a relief anyway, knowing that she'll never read the things I've written about her, such as this, or this, or this, or that I called her Veiny McManEmasculator. (I just made that last one up now!) You know who else doesn't know how to turn on a computer? My mother! Oh, by the way, Mom -- that sweater you gave me for Christmas looks like a beige couch had an illegitimate baby with a free clothing donations drop box. You hear that? No, of course you didn't!

Coinkidink. Noun. The Classical Latin pronunciation of "coincidence," which means: A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged or the state or fact of occupying the same relative position or area in space.

In 1991, the Giants won the Super Bowl against the Buffalo Bills. The United States was at war with Iraq. Also, Guns n' Roses released the Use Your Illusion double album in 1991, Jani Lane and Warrant were riding high on sales of the album Cherry Pie, M.C. Hammer sold 3 million copies of Too Legit Too Quit, and Juliette Lewis was nominated for an Oscar for her role in Cape Fear.

In 2008, the United States was again at war with Iraq. The New York Giants won the Super Bowl again. And, Juliette Lewis played a Super Bowl party in Arizona along with Velvet Revolver (featuring two former members of Guns N' Roses) that was attended by both Warrant's Jani Lane and M.C. Hammer.

Now, that's a helluva coinkidink. Or, is it?

Paradox. Noun. A statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth. Any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature. Contrary to expectation.

Perez Hilton hosted his first NYC fall fashion event yesterday. Fashion? Perez Hilton? Well, there's one helluva paradox if I ever heard one. Dude's about as fashionable as a hobbit on rocks; about as stylish as a blueberry oompah loompah. Apparently, an ever-changing hair color is the only qualification needed to host a fashion event these days, eh?

 

Monchhichi: Noun. Monkey-like creatures who lived in the forest land of Monchia at the very top of tall trees well above the clouds.

There is something very strange going on with John Travolta's hair, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I would say bad transplant, but it almost looks as thought it's painted on with spray hair and if he starts sweating it'll start running down his forehead. Whatever it is, it kind of makes his head look like a Chia Pet, and his hairline look like the hairline of a Monchichi. Of course, Monchichis are just make-believe so that's just dumb. You may as well just start a religion worshiping aliens or something.

Sick. Adjective. Similar to cool or "off the hook", referring to something that is great or far exceeds the minimum level of satisfaction. Ex. See Above. (Note: Video may be psychologically damaging to New England Patriot fans).

Sick. Adjective. Mentally, morally, or emotionally deranged, corrupt, or unsound; deeply affected with some unpleasant feeling, as of sorrow, disgust, or boredom. Ex. See Above. (Note: Video may be psychologically damaging to the entire human race).

Contrast with sick, as in extremely cool.

Insane: Adjective. In a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.

Britney Spears' check in at the looney bin has reportedly been involuntarily extended for 14 days, proving undeniably, indisputably, for once and for all -- that Britney Spears is completely fucking insane.

The Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital is known as one of the top facilities of its kind; still, "It is a terrible situation," says a source close to the Spears family. "Britney is in a padded room. Her family is so worried about her."

I don't know what good a padded room is gonna do, since you can smear shit on padded walls just as easily as you can regular ones. And Britney strikes me as a real shit-smearer, if you know what I mean. Can we go ahead and nominate "Orderly at Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital" for "Worst Job of All Time?"

Comeuppance: Noun. Deserved reward or just deserts, usually unpleasant.

After running the tables all season long, and being complete fucking dicks about it -- running up the score, smugging it up for the cameras, shoving humble pie into the mouths of opponents and generally douching up the football field -- the New England Patriots finally got their comeuppance last night, after the (woeful) New York Giants defeated them 17-14 with a last minute touchdown. For the first time in years now, the folks back in Boston -- who have slowly risen from the ashes of decades of futility to become the most obnoxious sports town in America -- are finally the lovably disgruntled folks we know and love again. Thanks Bill Belichick.

Suck it, Brady. Take your 50 TDs and your 18 wins and your supermodel girlfriend and your supermodel baby and choke on it, bitch.

Futuristic Hooker: Noun. A prostitute found in the future, typically in a world of advanced or menacing technology.

Hilary Duff is seen here during a Sydney, Australia stop of her worldwide "Dignity" tour, (pun intended?) wearing this outfit that looks like what people thought hookers of the future would look like back in the 1980's. "Where I come from, we have a garment that is a combination of what your people call 'shortalls' and 'tracksuits.' We call them shortrickalls, and they're worn by only the most prosperous of hookers."

The mini-Lohan rears her whorey head. (DListed)

Kirsten Dunst is on the verge of a mental breakdown. Whee! (The Blemish)

Britney thinks her Mom wants her sloppy seconds. But then again, she is crazy. (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Alba's got her preggernancy rack in full effect! (Popoholic)

Oooh, I know who can play Courtney Love in her biopic, and it sure ain't ScarJo. (CelebritySmack)

Sarah Silverman makes a funny. Yawnners. (CelebWarship)

Tweeners love Miley Cryus. Babies, on the other hand... (PopOnThePop)

Kate Hudson + Unfortunate dress + strong winds = hilarity! (Ayyyy!)

No one wants to see Christina Aguilera's stupid money baby. (Celebslam)

Insert your own "Eva Longoria's New Movie Sucks" joke here! (Pajiba)

Endowed: Adjective. Provided or supplied or equipped with; particularly useful when referring to peeners.

Lily Allen's younger brother Alfie Allen has taken up the lead role in Peter Shaffer's play Equus, a role previously occupied by Daniel Radcliffe in all his uncircumcised glory. And as you can see in these edited photos taken from The Daily Mail, either someone is being pretty damn generous with the black boxes, or old Alfie here is really, really well endowed. I mean, would you look at that thing? It must go halfway down his damn thigh! And that's even accounting for "stage shrinkage."

(Thumbnails contain boobage and buttage and are NSFW!)

Achiever: Noun. One who reaches or attains a desired objective by effort, skill, or courage.

According to a statement from her reps, Eva Mendes has checked into Lindsay Lohan's rehab 'o choice, Utah's Cirque Lodge. I'm gonna be honest here... Although I'm vaguely aware of Eva Mendes, I really had no fucking clue who she actually was, despite my chosen profession as a gossip blogger. A quick trip to IMDB helpfully informs me that she's an actress who has forged a career starring in a slew of totally shitty movies like Ghost Rider, 2 Fast 2 Furious and a bunch of other crap I wouldn't watch if it came on basic cable when I was hungover on a Sunday afternoon and the remote was all the way across the room.

But to go through all the trouble of heading to rehab just to get me to care about her? Well, that makes her a real achiever in my book. Keep reachin for those stars, Eva!

Rainbow Killer. Noun. Killer of Rainbows, murderer of joy, assassin of happiness, butcher of bliss, slayer of jubilance.

What the fuck is going on? Katherine Heigl, who has the charisma of a hairbrush and the beauty a chain-smoking Barbie doll, has 1) been named Ask Men's Top Woman of the Year and, 2) along with her husband, Josh Kelley, they've been named sexiest couple of the year by Victoria's Secret.

Really?

Sexy?

That huge, shit-eating smile radiates like nuclear fallout, killing everything in its wake. It is unfathomable to me that anyone could find the butcher of bliss anything approximating sexy. She's about as sexy as a lump hammer -- she's a Rainbow Killer!




 

Amateurish. Adjective. Characteristic of an amateur, esp. in having the faults or deficiencies of an amateur; inept.

I don't think "amateurish" quite does justice to the level of Lisa Rinna's incompetence --  maybe the TVGuide Channel, when hiring celebrity correspondents, ought to prioritize the ability to speak coherently over quantity of lip collagen. The interview above, with Casey Affleck, is cringe worthy. Shameful. Embarrassing. 

Field Day: Noun. An opportunity for action, success, or excitement, esp. at the expense of others.

Oh boy, PETA is going to have a goddamn field day with this one. Eva Longoria may as well just move to Brazil and start living under an assumed name.

Red Carpet. Noun. A red carpet is a strip of carpet in the colour red, which is laid out to welcome VIPs such as dignitaries and celebrities at formal events.

What the fuck? Celebrities are now so hard-up for the red carpet treatment, they're now rolling them out at political debates? This is absurd. It's embarrassing. What's next? Are they going to start rolling out the carpet at the voting booth? The DMV? Do we really need photographic proof that celebrities occasionally fulfill a civic duty?

 

Eyeliner: Noun. A cosmetic applied as a line around the eyes to make them appear larger or more noticeable.

Hey Ashlee, it looks like your gay punk rock boyfriend needs a little help with his makeup. Isn't eyeliner also supposed to go on above the eye? Not to mention, it looks like it's caked on awfully thick. Remember, moderation is really the key here.

You know what else is totally punk rock? Being a corporate shill. Nice shirt, asswipe.

I'm Kind of a Big Deal. Colloquial Expression. Inspired by the motion picture, Anchorman, I'm Kind of a Big Deal means: I'm kind of a big deal. Expression usually used by those who are decidedly not a big deal.

Remember Frankie Muniz? The kid from "Malcolm in the Middle" who got waylaid by ugly stick during puberty (that's his fiance above -- is he dating a Cylon)? Yeah  -- guess what happened to him? He quit the business to pursue a career in racing cars about three years ago. And he's good. Really good. Compared to all the other celebrities turned race car drivers, at least.

"I don't want to sound conceited, but I don't think there has been an actor or celebrity-turned-racecar driver that has made it as high up on the racecar circuit as I have. So I don't think there's anyone who can keep up with me. And that's just me being honest."

So, in other words: He's kind of a big deal.

Relation: Noun. The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.

Because I guess you can only make your children wear masks in public for so long before they start asking questions like, "Hey Dad, why the fuck do we have to wear masks all the time?" -- Michael Jackson's eldest children, Paris and Prince Michael were seen here on a recent trip to Las Vegas.

So yeah, the resemblance is pretty uncanny, huh? And of course by "uncanny resemblance," I mean that these kids bear about the same relation to Michael Jackson as a Granny Smith does to a box of Apple Jacks: none fucking whatsoever. In fact, I'm pretty sure the one on the right is a straight up clone of Frankie Muniz from "Malcolm in the Middle." And that, dear readers, is why you never throw away garbage laden with your biological materials in a public trashcan. That goes double if you're a "person of interest" in the murder investigation.

Update: Clearer photos now with 50% more Blanket. (See below!)