A few of my colleagues caught Sam Raimi's Drag Me To Hell out at SXSW the other week, and supposedly it's the most bitchinest movie ever. (Pajiba)

Wesley Wyndham Pryce and Willow Rosenberg give birth to cutest baby ever. (Yeeeah!)

Britney Spears is finally reunited with her true love. (The Blemish)

Jennie Garth, Tori Spelling and Shannen Doherty are no longer needed. (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna's Malawi charity is turning out to be an empty cookie jar. (Celebitchy)

It's the battle of the leopard print leotards! Emphasis on "tards." (Ayyyy!)

An Olsen Twin is morphing into Samantha Ronson. (cityrag)

Oh, apparently it was Ashley Olsen. (IDWYL)

Paris Hilton stars in... The Wonkness. (CelebWarship)

Gwyneth Paltrow goes shopping with her toddlers, a see-through shirt and black bra.  Classy! (BricksAndStones)

Jordin Sparks thinner; still a self-righteous asshole. (POTP)

Size does matter and other common myths about sex. (CollegeCandy)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian ruins implied erotica of lollipops. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Problematic: (Adjective) Constituting or presenting a problem or difficulty.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, who I feel has come unto his own enough that I can stop referring to him as "The Mac Guy," are reuniting onscreen for an "observational comedy" (read: quirky romcom that pokes fun at the differences between men and women) called Going the Distance.

They'll play a couple threatened by the obstacles posed by their long-distance relationship, reports the trade paper. Barrymore, 34, and Long, 30, previously costarred together in this year's ensemble comedy He's Just Not That Into You, which made $145 million internationally. Its filming also helped nurture the Barrymore-Long relationship. (Source)

So, yeah. Bad idea or worst idea ever? But you know what would kind of be a good idea? A movie about two exes who are so delusional about their so-called friendship that they actually agree to work on a movie together. It would be called Between Takes and star Katherine Heigl and Luke Wilson, who would eventually murder the living shit out of her at the end of the film. Box office gold, I'm telling you.

Drew and some dude at a Lakers game last month:

Sensationalism: (Noun) The use of exciting or shocking stories or language at the expense of accuracy, in order to provoke public interest or excitement.

It's kind of a slow news day today, so I decided to see what the retards at PETA are up to lately. At any rate, what PETA is apparently up to is dressing up like dead baby seals at the Canada House in London to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, because ... I don't know. I guess Canada kills baby seals or something. And they couldn't find any celebrities to pose naked rather than wear fur today. You know what would be an even better idea, though? If PETA protested the killing of baby seals by actually littering the steps of the Canana House with the actual carcasses of baby seals. I know, I know. Most people probably wouldn't get the concept, it's very existential. You don't even know how existential PETA can get.

Granny Panties: (Noun) Unflattering underwear, usually baggy and cotton, that every woman owns at least one pair of.

Jennifer Garner was caught picking her adorable daughter Violet up from kindergarten yesterday wearing less than flattering underpants, which were seen ripped and tattered sticking out above the waistband of her jeans. I suppose you think I'm going to make fun of her for this, but I say more fucking power to her. You know why? Because real mothers don't wear $3000 Chanel tracksuits to third world countries while shopping for new children. Real mothers can't be bothered to put on fancy looking underthings because they're too busy juggling a newborn and carting around a toddler to give a flying crap. In fact, if mothering skills could be judged by the condition of one's underpants, I'd say Jennifer Garner here wins the Mother of the Year Award. So go stick that in a syringe and inject it somewhere in your haggard face, Madonna.

Tact: (Noun) Adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.

Yesterday I posted pictures of Madonna touring around Malawi while she waits for her crushing wealth to influence a Malawian judge to let her steal another one of Malawi's native children. In the photos, while Madonna tours, say, impoverish schools, she is seen wearing a seemingly innocuous tracksuit. The funny thing? It turns out her outfit cost almost $3 grand.

After arriving she toured an impoverished school but refused to talk to reporters. She was, in the words of the AP, "dressed casually" in a black velour tracksuit and white fedora. But that casual look costs about $2,800.

A look at the photos shows her dressed-down attire is a Chanel tracksuit, tone-on-tone labels blazing from her shoulder and the stripes down her leg. Huffington Post placed a call to the 57th Street store in New York Monday with a casual inquiry, and a helpful saleswoman priced a similar ensemble at $2,800. A zip front jacket is $1,600 and the pants about $1,200. (Source)

Way to rub it in Madonna. In Malawi, the only way anyone could justify spending three thousand dollars on a tracksuit is if their entire family and the families of everyone they know could actually eat the tracksuit for the rest of their entire lives. And velour stew just isn't very tasty, from what I hear.

Day 2 of Third World Country Baby Stealing Tour 2009:

Businesswoman: (Noun) A woman who works in business or commerce at an executive level.

Kendra Wilkinson, formerly thought of as "the stupidest person on planet earth," is proving to have more business savvy than anyone could have imagined. Not only is she starring in her own upcoming series, "Kendra," but she's also starting her own product line. Guess what it is?

"I'm coming out with my own stripper pole. Stripper pole, and stripper pole workout," The Girls Next Door star, 23, told Usmagazine.com at the American Red Cross Red Tie Affair in Santa Monica Saturday.

"It's like Carmen Electra's, but mine is better," she continued. "Mine will connect to the ceiling, and you can spin on it and do all that stuff on it." (Source)

I hope Carmen Electra isn't going to take that comment lying down. In the world of Playboy-models-turned-stripper-pole-entrepreneurs, saying that your pole is better than someone else's pole is pretty much like a white glove slap to the face. I don't know how they could resolve this issue, but my guess is that it would probably involve a baby pool and pudding. Or possibly mud.

Pam Anderson looks different. (The Blemish)

"Dollhouse" is still a lousy show, now only slightly less so. (Pajiba)

French Vogue labels Scarlett Johansson the "Anti-Marilyn," whatever the fuck that means. (Yeeeah!)

Kirstie Alley tried to have a grocery store shut down so people couldn't take pictures of her shopping. That's just... Pathetic. (Celebslam)

Britney Spears is trying to worm her way out from under her father's thumb. Uh oh, I think he's probably onto her now. (Celebitchy)

The "Fatty Demographic" is finally getting represented on reality TV. (Seriously? OMG!)

Josh Hartnett contracted a stomach virus overseas. Poor guy. (AllieIsWired)

Some freak is going around saying that the Lohans bought Lindsay on the black market as a baby. Except that, uh, she looks exactly like her mother, idiot. (CelebSmack)

Charlie's Angels: Lame, aging TV actresses edition. (usemycomputer)

John Mayer is still a douchebag, but an entertaining douchebag, anyway. (LaineyGoss )

This is the hottest thing on the entire internet right now. (omg blog)

Valeria Bertinelli looks effing amazing! Well, not so much the face. (IBBB)

Petrifying: (Adjective) Paralyzing with terror.

Remember back when Christina Aguilera was just some nice girl who sang about genies in bottles and shit like that? Yeah, me neither. Now we're just stuck with this person vaguely resembling a seductive female alien sent here to have sex with the Earth's men before revealing a set of foot-long mandibles and gruesomely biting their heads off.

Owned: (Verb) To be physically or mentally disgraced in a formidable fashion.

Paris Hilton and her assy boyfriend Doug Reinhardt got into a physical altercation with a DJ in a Miami nightclub last week in which Reinhardt was handed a bloody face. (Heh.) The couple naturally blamed everyone but themselves for the fight, but according to the DJ it was actually Paris who started it.

Angello tells WENN, "Paris's story is a joke. She kept demanding I play hip-hop, not Madonna, Daft Punk or anyone else - I'm not a hip-hop DJ. I don't have a bodyguard either. Her guy punched me first and I defended myself. No-one else was involved. She might be used to people saying yes to her 24/7, but she's not going to get that from me. The Winter Music Conference is about the music, and that's the reason people travel to it from all over the world. It's not about spoilt girls getting what they want." (Source)

Just think, maybe if more people would have said "no" to Paris Hilton over the years, maybe she wouldn't have turned out to be the Godzilla-sized twat she is today. Then again, if Kathy Hilton had just gone through with the dang abortion, there would be no "what if's" to ponder in the first place. Hmmmm ... To the Delorian, Doc Brown! God speed!

More of Paris and her man whore at Queen Latifah's birthday party:

Kidnapper: (Noun) Someone who unlawfully seizes and detains a child.

Madonna has hit a snag in her latest attempt to steal a Malawian baby. A court ruling this morning delayed a ruling on her adoption application until Friday. Please! Like Madonna doesn't have better things to do with her time than hang out in some stinky third world country for a week. Also? The family of the little girl, Mercy James, isn't exactly thrilled about it.

Mercy James' grandmother, 61-year-old Lucy Chekechiwa, is reportedly against Madonna's decision to adopt. (Mercy James' single teen mother died at age 18; the girl's father is believed to be alive.)

"Why doesn't this singer pick other children?" she told Britain's The Sun. "It is stealing. I want to go to to court. I won't let her go." (Source)

What the fuck? Is Madonna seriously that incapable of finding an orphan to adopt who is actually, you know, an orphan? Or better yet, why doesn't Madonna have her own goddamn kids? Yeah I know, her uterus probably resembles a piece of stale beef jerky, but if science could put a baby in Arnold Schwarzenegger that time, who knows what is possible.

Spectacle: (Noun) Drawing attention to oneself by behaving in a ridiculous way in public.

The Kid's Choice Awards were this weekend, blah. Miley Cyrus won an award for something or other and she went all Kate Winslet on everybody's asses.

After shouldering losses for everything else with her name attached—Selena Gomez took the slimefest's Favorite TV Actress gong and iCarly swiped Favorite TV Show out from underneath Hannah Montana—the starlet scored a win for Favorite Female Singer. Despite having taken home the orange Blimp in the same category last year, she got surprisingly choked up.

"I really thought I was going to lose, so thank you, guys," she wept. (Source)

God, whatever Miley. It's a Kid's Choice Award, not a goddamn Oscar. Grow up already. You'd think she would have seeped in some of the requisite maturity that comes with banging a 20-year-old, but apparently not.

Superior: (Adjective) Of high standard or quality.

At a party on Friday night celebrating the 100th episode of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl denied rumors of wanting off the show, saying that she didn't know whether her character would live or die but would be happy to stay on the show if she lived. But of course, this being Heigl and all, she couldn't say it without being a massive cunt.

Heigl, who some thought was wanting out of the show to focus on her movie career, said she's comfortable balancing film and TV by working on big-screen projects during the show's summer hiatus.

"I'm more than happy to make that compromise," Heigl said. "As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems.'" She added: "I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two." (Source)

Yeah, I suspect most people can't really sympathize with Heigl's "high-class problems" since something like 99% of the population actually does have to work for 12 months a year. Well, except those of us who lost our jobs due to the recession anyway, and have eat generic brand macaroni and cheese for dinner every night. I guess that's what Katherine Heigl would refer to as "low-class problems." What a peach this woman is. Just a real rotten, worm-infested peach.

More of Cruella DeVille on her birthday last year:

Here's a fantastic piece on Halloween, revisited. (Pajiba)

Paris Hilton and her stupid boyfriend got into a fight in Miami. (BricksAndStones)

Madonna is bringing home her new Malawian girl this weekend. (Yeeeah!)

This is the part where John Mayer acts like he isn't just a huge twitter whore. (The Blemish)

Ashton Kutcher had to get his chest waxed, and of course acted like a huge pussy about it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Angelina Jolie might be giving money to Octomom. Ugh. (Celebitchy)

Drink in the tackiness from the Latin Music Awards. (Ayyyy!)

Here's a whole gallery of Rihanna's ridiculous tattoos. (cityrag)

Padma Lakshmi eats a cheeseburger. Nuff said. (CelebWarship)

Justin Timberlake is kicking Jessica Biel out of his apartment. (POTP)

Ugh, say it ain't so... Tie Dye is making another comeback? (CollegeCandy)

Oh look, Amy Winehouse is wearing panties. How do we know? Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)

Uncomfortable: (Adjective) Causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

Here are John Mayer and Jordin Sparks posing together at a VH1 Save the Music Foundation event last night. I love it. The music industry's most notorious douchebag ladies man and most notorious humorless virgin. Can you tell, the look on his face totally says Just hurry up and take the damn picture already. I know the look all too well, you can see it on my face in just about any photo taken from any of my family reunions. To Jordin Spark's credit though, she probably smells a hell of lot better than my incontinent Great Aunt Edna, though.

Confused: (Adjective) Of a person unable to think clearly; bewildered.

If Britney Spears hadn't already given enough reason to not have her mic live for any reason whatsoever during one of her, you know, "concerts" by announcing that her "pussy was hanging out" to a live audience a few weeks ago; at a show in Washington D.C. earlier this week she wished the crowd "Merry Christmas" before running offstage. (0:50 mark)  Then again, if you think about it, on the grand scale of crazy things Britney Spears has ever done, this barely even rates. I'd give it a "2" if anything. Maybe she would have gotten a "3" if she had said it in a British accent or something. And really, she's only like three months off, anyway. Are you perfect? I personally wrote "2008" on one of my checks last week. Where's my lynch mob at?

Taint: (Noun) A thing whose influence or effect is perceived as contaminating or undesirable.

James Gray, the director of Joaquin Phoenix's alleged last film, Two Lovers, is publicly blaming Phoenix for the lack of success of his film.

"It's like, Letterman was trying to get the movie out there, but the only thing that's out there now is a crazy person with a beard making a fool of himself!" says Gray, still seething today at the "circus" surrounding Phoenix...

Gray spits at the name, calling him a "clown". "I have no idea what the hell that guy is shooting," he says. "The whole thing is not to my taste, and I've let Casey know this." (Source)

I think he's pointing fingers in the wrong direction here. Maybe it wouldn't have been the desired reason, but if anything Joaquin's assiness technically should have brought people out to the theater in droves. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? And anyway, what the hell did Gwyneth Paltrow do for the movie? Besides showing her tits and probably having a bored expression while doing so, anyway. I'd rather spend two hours reading the phone book than see that.

At the Two Lovers screening:

Insanity: (Noun) The state of being seriously mentally ill; madness.

If you haven't heard by now, Lindsay Lohan's batshit crazy mom has started her own twitter page. I don't know for sure that it's really her, but after reading through a sampling of half coherent entries attempting to refute the constant influx of gossip and rumors surrounding her daughter -- which all invariably cut themselves off -- if it's a fake, it's a good one.

I can think of MANY great actresses to film movies for major networks and dvd but now that its my daughter suddenly it means something negat

Since when is premiering on a MAJOR NEtwork a bad thing especially a DVD release after I swear all these haters tell lies and have nothing t

@D_Wild excuse me hon but if you knew michael and knew what he has PUT ME THROUGH and my FAMILY the past 22 years you would not agree with h

risk hiring my daughter well the point is he is DECEIVED by the media lindsay is FINE not to mention one of the greatest actresses of her ge

oh and the bloggers saying she isnt working cant get a job HELLO she has many projects coming up and she did the fornarna commercial recentl

I wonder if Dina Lohan is familiar with the expression: "If you ignore bullies, they'll go away." Regardless, it's still not nearly as helpful as the expression: "If you put the entire Lohan family into a rocket and fire it into the sun, they'll go away." How 'bout it, NASA?

Ang Lee and Demeteri Martin walk into a bar... (Pajiba)

Madonna is planning to steal another kid from Malawi. (Celebslam)

Oh, awesome. K-Fed is planning to release a new album in which he will rap about his divorce. (Yeeeah!)

The Simpson-Wentz union may be in jeopardy. Color me shocked. (The Blemish)

Yay! A new "Supernatural" is on tonight! (Seriously? OMG!)

If Kanye West hates that people say he dresses gay than maybe he should stop dressing gay all the time. (Celebitchy)

Ryan Reynolds has a mancrush on... Robert Pattinson? Ew... (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears moving to The Jerz? Um, I guess that's fitting. (AllieIsWired)

Joel Madden's pussy sperm couldn't even give Nicole Ritchie twins. (CelebSmack)

Marissa Miller does Harley. (usemycomputer)

Here's the trailer for the awesome looking Where the Wild Things Are. (popbytes)

Natalie Portman wears lame-ass workout clothes. (Lainey Goss)

Malnourished: (Adjective) Suffering from malnutrition.

The usually voluptuous Scarlett Johansson ruined everybody's day when she showed up at Moet & Chandon's "Tribute to Film" in London last night looking like she had given up on solid food entirely.

"She was talking to Thandie Newton about the rigid diet she's on," our spy said of the star of the upcoming "Iron Man 2." Joseph Fiennes, Eva Herzigova and Marc Newson were all there and ogling Johansson, who "was really working it," according to our snitch. (Source)

Well I hope she has fun working it now, because you know what the first thing that goes after a rapid weigh loss like that is? That's right: the bosoms. And a Scarlett Johansson without bosoms like like a world without rainbows. Or a mug without a handle. Or a car without wheels. Or some other analogy which makes a mediocre actress seem of value.

Threatening: (Adjective) Of a person or situation causing someone to feel vulnerable or at risk.

As you can see, Rihanna got a little gun tattooed on her ribcage. Because I guess being the victim of domestic abuse makes a person really just want to glamorize violence. One thing's for sure, Chris Brown might think want to twice before putting his hands on her again now that she's got a gun tattooed on her. Clearly, this person is a force to be reckoned with. Don't fuck with Rihanna or she might ... Shoot you with the cute little imaginary gun she has drawn on her side. Well done.

Dignity: (Noun) A sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.

What do you call this fuckery? Jesus woman, have some respect for yourself. I like Kathy Griffin and all, but she's one of those unfortunate people who doesn't understand the difference between good attention and bad attention. Paris Hilton, coincidentally, is another person who doesn't understand the difference between good attention and bad attention. But that's mostly because her brain doesn't understand nuanced concepts like there being more than one kind of something.

Trashed: (Verb) To have discarded.

Hey guys, I'm back! Sorry about yesterday, a personal crisis prevented me from posting anything. But I promise -- promise -- I will not be leaving you again anytime soon. At any rate, I have to start the day out with some sad news: Lindsay Lohan's anticipated (and only) film project Labor Pains is not going to be coming to a movie theater near you anytime soon. Or, ever. Instead, the film is bypassing the straight-to-DVD route and going straight-to-TV. Cable TV.

The film's production company, Nu Image/Millennium Films, has confirmed that the comedy will premiere on ABC Family in July 2009. It will be released on DVD a month later.

This week, the much-scrutinized star, 22, complained, "If people would just leave my personal life alone - because it's really not that interesting - then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting." (Source)

That's right Lindsay, it's everyone else's fault that your movie is going straight to cable. Just so you know it's not your fault. No, not at all whatsoever. Just like it wasn't my fault that my roommate decided to snoop through my email and read things I said about her that she didn't like and throw all my shit in trashbags while I wasn't home and leave it in the garage and tell me to get out immediately. Oh, except that actually kind of was my fault because I chose to live with a fucking psychopath. I'm pretty sure Lindsay's in the clear, though.

Yahoo! put together a list of "100 Movies You Should See Before You Die." Uhh, so when are they the authoritative expert on film? (Pajiba)

Three words: Cindy Crawford. Naked. Covered in foam. OK, that was actually six. (Yeeeah!)

John Stamos + Tina Fey + Magic Kingdon = Holy Adorable. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awww. Let's all throw a big fucking piss party for Chris Brown. (The Blemish)

Rhys Ifans said he "learned his lesson" from Sienna Miller. What, to always wear a rubber? (Celebitchy)

Angelina Jolie in her new role as "Indigo" for the Rainbow Bright movie. (Ayyyy!)

Speaking of "Fatty McFatterson," she still doesn't weight under 100lbs. Cow. (CelebWarship)

This is the coolest building I've ever seen. Somebody get this architect to Philly, STAT. (cityrag)

"The Other One" from "The Girls Next Door" filming her new TV show. (BricksAndStones)

Roseanne might be coming back to primetime. To this I say: Hell fucking YES. (POTP)

Here's some tips on getting your vaginny green. (CollegeCandy)

Miley Cyrus gives some "lucky" IN-N-OUT employees the thrill of their lives. Which is just plain fucking sad. (DrunkenStepfather)

Wretch: (Noun) A despicable or contemptible person.

You don't hear too much about ol' Avril Lavigne these days, who has always had a reputation for being an insufferable twat. So you'll be relieved to know that just because she's more or less out of the spotlight these days, it doesn't mean she's not still an insufferable twat. Case in point, last weekend she got "bombed" in an L.A. bar before picking a fight with her husband and acting like a total snot.

“She kept downing vodka drinks, to the point where she was obliterated. She ended up fighting with her husband (Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 fame) before ignoring him completely.”

While Whibley sat alone on the couch glumly, “­Avril talked to everyone else. When he was ready to leave, she downed two more shots of vodka before walking out the door. What a child!” (Source)

God, I hate Avril Lavigne. I think she is honestly the only person I can think of, who can basically be married to, like, Gollum, (see above) and I still can say: "He is way, way too good for her." But you know, I don't now who wouldn't be too good for Avril Lavigne. Maybe like the male version of Helen Keller so he can't see her stupid pink hair and skull-n-crossbone-laden outfits or hear her retarded mouth and retarded music. Or maybe just a man that's completely made of shit. Like a giant, anthropomorphised turd. Didn't X-Men have one of those?

More of Punky Loser getting wasted (again) in London last week:

Substantiate: (Verb) Provide evidence to support or prove the truth of.

Here is Hilary Duff on the set of "Law & Order: SVU." Remember that time she and Faye Dunaway got into a fued over the alleged lack of Hilary Duff's acting chops? Well, I guess this just goes to show what Hilary Duff is really made of. They don't just let anyone on these "Law & Order" shows, you know. Not to mention, this is the rapey one. And we all know what R-A-P-E spells, right? Emmy. Exactly. That award is as good as Hilary's. So how do you like them apples, Faye Dunaway? Do you smell what Hilary Duff is cooking now, bitch?!

Mess: (Noun) A person whose life or affairs are confused or troubled.

In the latest chapter of The Never-ending Downward Spiral That is Lindsay Lohan; Lindsay Lohan and her assistant got into a fender bender, damaging the $100,000 Maserati that she recently bought with Samantha Ronson's money.

The accident took place on Monday in Glendale, CA and Lohan seemed to be trying to keep calm, as she carried a can of Coke (product placement work for a cash-strapped actress?) and some papers with her.

Police were not called to the scene of the accident. Lohan is currently completing community service for her 2007 DUI incident in which an arrest warrant was recently issued for non-compliance but later dismissed. (Source)

Lindsay Lohan suspiciously seen holding a brand-name product, conveniently at eye-level, only moments after wrecking a $100,000 sports car? Yeah, I can say to a near certainty that she's getting paid for this. By whom, is the real question. Let's just say if Chris Brown is caught holding a bottle of Pepsi next time he smacks a bitch up, it's probably not a coincidence.

Inexcusable: (Adjective) Too bad to be justified or tolerated.

The details are still cloudy on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up, but one new theory emerging is that it has something to do with his twittering. Which, by the way, could have had a whole entirely different interpretive meaning 10 years ago.

Rocker JOHN MAYER said he was too busy to return calls while Jennifer was away promoting her new film. But Friends star Jen spotted he was updating his page of the networking site instead.

One pal said: “Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with updates! “Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. “She was like, ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ (Source)

I can totally see where she's coming from here. Back in the day, I used to have a boyfriend who was way into that "Warcraft" game and let me just tell you what a drag that can be on a relationship. Of course, the guy still returned my calls and everything, so, uh... Oh. She made the right decision, here. Maybe she should find herself one of those nice "Warcraft" boyfriends. True, there's the slight aroma of funk and mildew to deal with, but at least he's not going to be douching your personal life all over the internet.

Who's got the best Dick Sucking Lips in Hollywood? (Pajiba)

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound? (Celebslam)

A Rod is a big fan of the hookers? Color me GASP! (Yeeeah!)

Meet Hollywood's new sexy power couple. (The Blemish)

Aww... Winnie Cooper is married. Even though I am generally bitter about love right now, congrats to the happy couple. (Seriously? OMG!)

Zac Efron worries he's being typecast as a gay song-and-dance man. (Celebitchy)

What an F'ing surprise. No one wants to wear Lauren Conrad. (AllieIsWired)

Lindsay Lohan doesn't have any money left, but she's happy enough spending all of Samantha Ronson's. (CelebSmack)

Apropos of nothing, here is Heather Graham at the beach. In a bikini! (usemycomputer)

Oh, yay. Gwyneth has packed up her GOOP and brought it to America. (Lainey Goss)

Does it get any tackier than getting married in Mickey D's? (omg blog)

Donna Martin is gonna have to pack on the pounds before she gets thrown down a flight of stairs again. (IBBB)

Skankalicious: (Noun) Embodying the qualities of skankiness.

Fergie managed to nearly out-faux pas pissing herself onstage when she showed up to the launch of her new clothing line at Nordstroms this weekend with a freshly dyed scalp. Jesus, how does that even happen unless you A) dye your hair yourself with B) with Manic Panic? Now to complete the look all she needs is a Catholic school skirt, fishnet stockings, a nose ring and 3-ring binder with skull and crossbones drawn all over it.

Animal Lover: (Noun) Someone with emotions that lead to bonding with non-human species.

Heather Mills, who -- if you'll recall -- is such an animal activist that she once encouraged people to drink rat's milk instead of cow's milk, has just signed onto a lucrative, $4.3 million deal with Burger King. Because, surprise! She's still a whore.

The former model - who last week invested in a seaside cafe which she plans to turn into a vegetarian eatery - has agreed to launch a new meat-free burger at the company's 11,350 outlets throughout the world, according to U.K. newspaper The People.

A source tells the publication, "Heather is ecstatic. She believes she can change the eating habits of millions. She's also being paid a lot of money and the deal will help boost her standing." (Source)

So, she knows, right? That just because Burger King is offering meatless options, they're still going to be serving up the 100% animal flesh kind, right? That's like a country offering to get behind Germany during World War II because the Nazis offered to start burning some Jews in "effigy." Even though they'd technically be burning just as many the old-fashioned way. When presented with the comparative logic, Mills' response was to inquire if the Holocaust was still offering endorsement deals.

More of Whorether Mills serving up tofu meat for underprivileged kids:

Take That: (Phrase) Exclaimed when taking decisive action against others.

Jessica Simpson's body made its triumphant return this weekend at the launch of her new "Fancy" fragrance at a Dillards store in Scottsdale, Arizona. It looks like she's spent the past several weeks under the care of the good Doctor Treadmill 'N Laxatives. So the good news is that: Jessica Simpson; hot again. The bad news? She's still promoting a fragrance in Arizona rather than a film or album in New York or L.A. But hey, at least the celebrity gossip rags can't call her fat anymore. I think we all know which is the greater victory here. So yeah: In your face, Us Magazine!

Juvenile: (Adjective) Childish; immature.

Bruce Willis and his 24-years-younger model girlfriend, Emma Heming were wed in Parrot Bay this weekend, to the attendance of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. While in town for the wedding, Ashton Kutcher took the opportunity to twitter about Bruce Willis' previous wife wearing a bikini and then took a picture of her ass in it.

watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

God, it's like the guy has never seen a woman in a bikini before. Or his wife's ass. Or his wife's ass in a bikini. Or a toasted sub from Quizno's. Yeah, on that last one, let's hope he never finds out or we'll never hear the end about how cheesy, delicious and toasted to perfection it was.

Mrs. Kutcher look fine in yellow at the Miami International Film Festival:

Misunderstanding: (Noun) A failure to understand something correctly.

Hey guys! So sorry about last week. I thought I might have time to blog between copious amounts of burritos and margaritas, but it just didn't happen. At any rate, it seems like I missed the latest incident of a Disney star doing something pants-shittingly racist. On the heels of Miley Cyrus' "goofy face" making incident, a photo of Joe Jonas has surfaced also making what appears to be "chinky eyes." I don't know, though. It seems like this time it might actually be kind of a stretch. I make that face sometimes too, but I like to call it "3am After a Night of Drinking at Smoke-Filled Bars and My Contact Lenses are Dried to My Damn Eyeballs." On the other hand, I still think this photo is proof of something, but it has more to do with the fact that he's wearing a zebra print shirt with the sleeves cut off. I'm pretty sure I actually saw that in the Delia's catalog one time. Delia's: continuing the proud tradition of outfitting teen girls and sexually confused teen boys, since 19-something-something.

I've got a bit of site news today... I'm heading down to Austin tomorrow for SXSW with Pajiba, so posting next week might be slow, or whenever I'm not too hungover to do it. Or maybe I'll even have some good run-ins with Lindsay Lohan or something to report back on. Stay tuned! If anyone is going to be in the area, we'll be doing get togethers at bars and what have you, so stop by! Here's the details. (Pajiba)

Lily Allen is a little firecracker. A firecracker that punches people. (The Blemish)

Janine Dickinson goes apeshit on the paparazzi, too! (Celebslam)

Radiohead gives Miley Cyrus the most awesome bitchslap ever. (Lainey Goss)

Huh, Nicole Ritchie is already like, really pregnant. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's Marissa Miller playing basketball topless. I guess she drew "skins." (Yeeeah!)

Jon Stewart eviscerated the living shit out of Jim Cramer. (Celebitchy)

OK, PETA has seriously for serious lost it this time. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney copied off of Cher? Really? Of all people? Whatever! (AllieIsWired)

I didn't even have time to report on Sam and Linds' last fight and they're already over it. (CelebSmack)

Milla Jovovich at the Roberto Cavalli opening boutique party. (usemycomputer)

Bindi Irwin is starring in the latest Free Willy sequel. I had no idea there was more than one of those movies to begin with. How many times can you free the same damn whale? (IBBB)

Deserving: (Adjective) Worthy of being treated in a particular way.

Good news and bad news, guys. I'll give you the good news first: Katherine Heigl is dying. Hooray! But, it's only on "Grey's Anatomy." Boo!

On the show, Izzie asked her interns do diagnose "Patient X" -- which they don't know is really her. Lexie (Chyler Leigh) discovers it's metastatic melanoma -- skin cancer -- and it's spread to her brain. (Which explains those hallucinations earlier this season of her dead ex Denny Ducette, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan.)

"The girl's pretty much toast," an intern says. "Survival rate is five percent," adds another. (Source)

All I can say is that she had damn well better not win an Emmy for this shit. That's pretty much the exact same reason why I always hoped Bush would never get assassinated, because then he would have gone down in history as Saint George the Tragic President instead of what he is today, Sad Sack Failure Man.

More of stupid Heigl in an ugly pantsuit and her stupid People's Choice award:

Vindictive: (Adjective) Having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge.

Now that Doug Reinhardt is famous for going out with Paris Hilton, it's becoming quickly clear that he has no intentions of using his newfound power for good, rather than evil. His first mission? Destroy Amanda Bynes.

ALL'S fair in love and Hollywood. Starlet Amanda Bynes was refused entry to LA's Club H'Wood the other night, causing some celebrity blogs to dub her "desperate" and "clamoring" to get in. What they didn't note was that reality star/doorman Frankie Delgado was out front and "wouldn't let Amanda in because his best pal Doug Reinhardt [Bynes' ex and Paris Hilton's current beau] was inside," said our source. (Source)

If I could see Doug Reinhardt's mental checklist, it would probably go something like this: Find most famous whore in the world to date. Check. Elevate own fame. Check. Make ex-girlfriend's life a living hell. Check. Stop at CVS and pick up antibiotic creme, Icy Hot, and refill of Valtrex for the missus. Check, check and check.

More of Paris with a bird, which sadly did not peck her eyes out:

Expanding: (Verb) To become or make larger or more extensive.

In Jonas Brothers "Not Gay Whatsoever, No Really I Swear" news, The Jonas Brothers are developing their own clothing line! For little girls! The line will include preppy garments such as polo shirts, leggings and sweater vests based on their upcoming Disney channel series. From Pamela Lifford, the executive vice president of global fashion at Disney Consumer Products:

“The difference we have with the Jonas Brothers is that we have three young men,” Lifford said. “And when you look at their customer following, we have the whole heartthrob play, which is a great thing for us to work with when we are talking about tween girls.”

She added: “The Jonas Brothers are a lifestyle, not just a boy band. Their movie [Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience] lets you into their world, and the clothing line is just another way to do that. It’s a way to get closer to them and their world.” (Source)

Being obsessed with sexually ambiguous, barely legal guys is considered a lifestyle now? Funny. According to Craiglist casual encounters pages, it still only qualifies as a "fetish."

More of The Jonas Bromos at a press conference: (Really?)

Scumbag: (Noun) A contemptible or objectionable person.

Holy CRAPCAKES guys! Anna Nicole Smith's former lawyer/companion of questionable nature has just been charged with furnishing her with drugs over two years after her death. I did not see this coming, whatsoever.

Also charged with felonies were two doctors, Sandeep Kapoor, 40, and Khristine Eroshevich, 61, who allegedly prescribed medication unlawfully to Smith, according to the L.A. County District Attorney's Office.

The conspiracy counts allege the three defendants conspired to provide controlled substances to Smith from between June 2004 and January 2007. They also were charged with "prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict," among other charges. (Source)

There's no word yet on how much jail time, if any, these three could receive if convicted. One thing's for sure, though, no amount of jail time can top the guilt Howard K. Stern must be carrying on his shoulders for being the main contributing factor in the tragic and untimely death of a young woman, leaving her young child motherless. Well... OK, maybe just a little prison ass raping could top it. You guys know I'm such a sucker for ass rapings.

R.I.P. Anna Nicole. Truly, she was too beautiful for this world:

Kelly Clarkson pees standing up. Yikes. (The Blemish)

The internet era has ushered in a whole new generation of horribly overused catchphrases. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry's boobs almost make up for her personality. Almost. (Yeeeah!)

Oooh! We finally get to find out what the hell is wrong with Katherine Heigl. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ha! Adnan Ghalib's ass is getting deported to Afghanistan. Score! (Celebitchy)

Ginnifer Goodwin is the anti-Barbie. (Ayyyy!)

Now you, too, can get Joaquin Phoenix's look. (cityrag)

Britney Spears' new video is out and I just can't muster up giving  shit. (CelebWarship)

And on that note, more of Britney Spears in a bikini. (BricksAndStones)

Brody Jenner, gay icon? (POTP)

Hell, who doesn't have a girl crush on Maggie Gyllenhall? (CollegeCandy)

Here's Paris Hilton's boyfriend's ex at the premiere of Race to Witch Mountain. (Popoholic)

Predictable: (Adjective) Behaving or occurring in a way that is expected.

Remember when Paris Hilton was dating Benji Madden and she started wearing that retarded BM "bowel movement" ring all the time? Yeah. Well now that she's been dating this Doug Reinhardt asshole for all of a hot minute, naturally she's already wearing his stupid initial around her stupid neck. Doug Reinhardt, if you'll recall, was recently dumped by Amanda Bynes for being too much of a famewhore, and I called him a failure at using women for their celebrity and told him to go look up Tara Reid. Well now, he sure showed me, didn't he? But you have to admit, it kind of makes them the perfect couple. Right? I haven't seen such a natural pairing since flies met dog shit.

Return: (Verb) Come back or recur after a period of absence.

Oh, exciting!! Heidi and Spencer are back. It's been nearly a month since we've had a good Heidi and Spencer sighting. See, they know how to play the game. Unlike famewhores such as Paris Hilton, who inundate me with paparazzi photos every single day of my life, Heidi and Spencer will actually fall off the face of the earth every now and again. Really make us start missing them, you know? And then, when they get back? Spencer doesn't have a beard anymore. Surprise! He has literally gone from being the Gorton's Fisherman to one of the Rescue Rangers. Always leave them wanting more, right guys?

Finished: (Adjective) Of an action or activity having been completed or ended.

This is only like the millionth time I've reported this, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are reportedly dunzo. For good this time?

A source says that the pair's on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week.

"He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour," the source said. Aniston's rep did not immediately comment. Mayer's rep declined to comment on the singer's personal life. (Source)

At this point I honestly think that I just feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. Sure, we all knew there was no way these two would end up together, happily ever after style, but I just hoped it would be because of a reason like John Mayer getting run over by a steamroller. There's just so much more dignity in having your boyfriend run over by a steamroller.

At the London premiere of "Marley & Me":

Committed: (Adjective) Feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job.

Uhhh... Yeah. Joaquin? Definitely not a hoax. At a gig last night (above) he attacked a heckler and had to be forcibly removed from the premises by security, all the while Casey Affleck filmed on. It's kinda hard to make out, so here's the rough translation:

An enraged Joaquin, sounding a little more coherent than in recent appearance, announced: “We have a f***ing b**** in the audience. Nodding his head while rapping to a beat, he told the man: “I've got a $1million in the bank. What have you got b****?”

Joaquin - who sources say arrived four hours late for the gig at the LIV night club in the Fontainebleau Miami Beach hotel - then launched himself into the crowd. (Source)

To say that "this won't end well" is probably the understatement of the year. I'm guessing, specifically, it's going to end somewhere along the lines of "Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade."

Before all hell broke loose:

The Great and Handsome Fillion lands another stinker. Sigh... (Pajiba)

Jude Law has very low standards. (Yeeeah!)

If Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams for married in a forest and no one was around, would anybody care? (The Blemish)

Even back in '86 Jeremy Piven was just a d-bag with a receding hairline. (Seriously? OMG!)

Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are going the counseling. Yawn. (Celebitchy)

Father Cruise demands weekly written confessions from his Katiebot. (Celebslam)

Billy Corgan doesn't have enough money. (Agent Bedhead)

That George Clooney "American Idol" guy has a new album out. (AllieIsWired)

AnnaLynne McCord done smashed up a perfectly good Mini Cooper. (CelebSmack)

Whatever, Kristen Stewart. (usemycomputer)

Was Brad Pitt getting a little too close and personal  with the nanny? (popbytes)

Can't get enough of Lohan leggings? Now you can buy your very own Lindsay Lohan brand spray tan! So when is she going to release her own line of vodka packaged in seemingly innocuous water bottles? (Lainey Goss)

Privileged: (Adjective) A special right or advantage available only to a particular person.

Paris Hilton is currently vacationing in Hawaii with her new boyfriend, because, of course she is. What did you expect, her to be visiting sick kids or doing humanitarian work in Darfur? Well, with any luck, maybe she'll be mistaken for a surfboard and get slapped face down in the water until she drowns to death. It's the little hopes like these that get me through the days, you know?

Independent: (Adjective) Capable of thinking or acting for oneself.

Some radio DJ actually had the balls to ask 16-year-old Miley Cyrus if she planning to move in with her underwear model boyfriend, Justin Gaston.

"I get annoyed really easily." The 16-year-old star of "Hannah Montana" told Detroit's "Mojo in the Morning" show on WKQI: "I love him to death . . . but no . . . [Justin] is so smart, but just like, everything has to, like, go where it's supposed to go and if it doesn't, I get like really frustrated." (Source)

Wrong answer. The correct answer would have been: "No, my boyfriend is not moving in with me because I'm 16-years-old and it would be setting a poor example to my impressionable young fans, as well as illegal considering that he's twenty." But considering this is Miley Cyrus we're talking about, I guess we're just lucky she didn't say it's because he "farts up the bed."

More of Miley somewhere, doing something:

Adult: (Adjective) Emotionally and mentally mature.

Since Hayden Panetterhoweveryouspellit, 19, and Milo Ventimawhatshisface, 31, split up, Hayden has supposedly decided to make Milo's life a living hell while shooting "Heroes," and is trying to get him kicked off the show.

“She refuses to be on the set at the same time as him,” the pal tells OK!. “She is making it difficult for everyone involved.” (Her rep denies this). As for Milo, “He’s not going to play any games or stoop to her level,” says the friend. (Source)

See now, Milo? That's why you don't date co-workers. And also, that's why you don't date teenagers, when you yourself are in your 30's. Oh right, and we can't forget, that's why you don't date haughty, entitled little prima donnas. Pretty much, you don't date "insert any dating scenario which will no doubt come back to bite you in the ass." Next time why don't you just save yourself the trouble and stick your wang in the hose attachment of the vacuum cleaner?

More of Hayden smoking and drinking coffee, just like a real grownup!:

Culprit: (Noun) A person who is responsible for a crime or other misdeed.

Good news! The mystery woman who was texting Chris Brown which provoked the fight which ended "punchy" has been identified! It's his 39-year-old manager, Tina Davis, pictured above. Gooosch!

Sources tell us the woman who left the three-page text message on Brown's cell phone is Tina Davis. Davis -- who turns 40 this month -- was rumored to have had a relationship with Brown when he was 16. Brown and Davis have denied it. (Source)

It's kind of poetic, really. She's like Helen of Troy, only instead of being "the face that launched a thousand ships," she's "the face that launched a thousand punches. Into Rihanna's face." Hmm... Doesn't sound so poetic when you put it like that.

Aren't they into Kabbalah or some shit, anyway? (Seriously? OMG!)

Woohoo! Joss Whedon is producing a horror flcik that he co-wrote! (Pajiba)

Awesome. Real video footage of Britney talking about her "pussy hanging out. " (Yeeeah!)

Oh, and, delightful! Here's photographic evidence of Britney's "pussy hanging out." (The Blemish)

Yay! Michael J Fox is coming back to TV! (Celebitchy)

Everything Paris Hilton does makes me want to puke. (Ayyyy!)

Mariah Carey makes eggs in her new video. (cityrag)

Drew Barrymore does W magazine. (CelebWarship)

Ugh, we're going to totally be inundated with these on-set photos of Angelina Jolie for the next few months, aren't we? (BricksAndStones)

Everyone is obsessed with Kanye's hot new blondyke girlfriend. (POTP)

Seriously, when I see photos of Evan Rachel Wood like this I am amazed at her choice in boyfriends. A-MAZED. (Popoholic)

Dakota Fanning is growing up fast, but is she old enough to play Cherry Bomb" Currie in The Runaways? (FilmExperience)

Sickly: (Adjective) Often ill; in poor health.

In Miley Cyrus' new "memoir" (I'm sorry, I still can't say that with a strait face) Miles To Go: The Everyone Feel Sorry For This Spoiled-Ass Little Millionaire Story, Miley talks about a rare heart condition in addition to her grueling childhood.

"The type of tachycardia I have isn't dangerous. It won't hurt me, but it does bother me," she writes. "There is never a time onstage when I'm not thinking about my heart." (Source)

Is it April Fool's already? Thanks an effing lot, Miley, telling me you have some rare heart disease and then telling me it's harmless. Maybe next time you can just inform me that I've won the lottery and then instead just hand me a dry cleaning bill. Bitch.

More of the poorest rich kid in the world with Zoolander Lite:

Sad: (Adjective) Pathetically inadequate or unfashionable.

Madonna attended a Kabbalah party Monday night ostensibly after having raided Lourdes' closet. I don't even know what to say about this. But to recap: Madonna is 50-years-old, dating a 22-year-old and dressing like a 13-year-old. Why not? The next logical step will be for her to go around wearing diapers. Although the beauty of that is that by the time that happens, Madonna may literally need to be wearing diapers. It's the circle of life!

Star: (Noun) A famous or exceptionally talented performer in the world of entertainment.

Katherine Heigl has supposedly earned herself a nickname on the set of "Grey's Anatomy." No, not Mega Bitchface McBitchness... The cast refers to her as "George Clooney."

According to Grey's star Justin Chambers, that's the fun little nickname he and his costars have given Heigl, since she is "the movie star." Does that mean she's also becoming an ex-TV star? Is someone finally spilling the beans that Katherine is leaving for good? (Source)

That's a good point. Katherine Heigl is a lot like George Clooney. You know, except for the charm, talent, charisma and any other redeeming qualities George Clooney possesses. So in that way, she's kind of really not like George Clooney at all. Oh, and did I mention anatomically? I suppose that's a given.

More of the Silver Fox herself wearing my grandmom's shawl:

Romantic: (Adjective) Relating to love, esp. in a sentimental or idealized way.

Not only have Chris Brown and Rihanna reconciled, but sources say they're also recording a duet together. Aww...

The seemingly reconciled duo have been working on a duet that Brown is hoping to include on his new album, due out later this year, a studio source tells E! News. "They've been working on it together," the insider says.

We have also learned that award-winning record producer Polow Da Don, who has worked with Brown in the past, has been holed up with them at a Santa Monica recording studio for the past several days. (Source)

People laugh, but I think the Chris Brown and Rihanna saga will go down as one of history's greatest love stories. Maybe they can call their song "Something's Got a Hold On Me." Oh wait, no, that one's already been done by Ike and Tina. Coincidentally? Another of history's greatest love stories.

More of Chris Brown jetskiing (remorsefully):

There's no way she didn't do this on purpose. (Celebslam)

Have you seen the penis heard 'round the world yet? (Pajiba)

Daaaaamn! When Beyonce eats junk food, it really does go straight to her hips! (Yeeeah!)

Emma Watson writes herself little notes across her chest to remember things. (The Blemish)

Hayden is smoking now, too? She's on everyone's shit list today. (Seriously? OMG!)

A story about Gwyneth Paltrow being an insufferable diva? I don't believe it! (Celebitchy)

There's an Ewan McGregor impostor? Really? Someone cares that much? (AllieIsWired)

Now Oprah is giving Rihanna her two cents. Like Rihanna is gonna listen to anyone at this point. (CelebSmack)

Oh, look. Mena Suvari has hair again. (usemycomputer)

Karl Lagerfeld is disgusted by Beth Ditto. (Lainey Goss)

Fart machine + city council meeting = pure comedy. (omg blog)

Recovery: (Noun) A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

I don't know if Jessica Simpson lost a few pounds or whatnot, but she's looking pretty decent. Yes, I said she looks good and I don't care who knows it. Unfortunately, it seems like she's resorted back to wearing the camisole/button-down shirt/necklace combo that I once pointed out she always wears. Only this time she's wearing a different button-down shirt and has the tacky necklace around her waist instead of her neck. Seriously? You're not Britney Spears or Madonna with elaborate tour costumes. Buy new clothes, already.

But anyway, congrats on the weight loss. She still sucks at everything else in life, but at least now she can fit into her favorite camisole again.

Vulgar: (Adjective) Making explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions.

Britney Spears, pictured above at Disneyworld last week, had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction during a show in Tampa when her leotard ripped, exposing her, uh, lady area. Naturally, Britney handled the incident with grace and aplomb.

The singer had just finished performing I'm A Slave 4 U and was being lowered beneath the stage when she revealed her costume blunder. Failing to realize her microphone was still on, she said, "My p**sy was hanging out!" - causing the arena to erupt in laughter. (Source)

Britney Spears, ladies and gentlemen! Pretty much the only difference between her and a truck driver is that truck drivers aren't allowed to be that heavily medicated before getting behind the wheel.

Unacceptable: (Adjective) Not satisfactory or allowable.

I guess Ashlee Simpson has given up on that whole "music" thing, because she's falling back on something else she's not very good at: Acting! It's been confirmed that Ashlee is joining the cast of the "Melrose Place" remake.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, she will play a lead character named Violet, "a bright-eyed but shrewd small-town girl and recent L.A. transplant who has come to town with a secret."

The trade reports that her character resembles the blond, budding-Southern-belle starlet Sandy Harling, played by Amy Locane on the original Fox series. (Source)

Despite my better judgment, I had actually kinda been holding out hope that this new "Melrose Place" wouldn't be terrible. But now, between this and the news of Mischa joining the cast, there is no chance on this Earth that it won't completely suck. And by "completely suck" I mean "be awesome." The original "Melrose Place" sucked too, and that's why it was so great. I'm still not convinced that the character of "Billy" wasn't literally played by a mannequin resembling Andrew Shue. This shit is going to be appointment viewing, trust me.

More of The Amazing Chin and her chimbley sweep husband at a Richard Branson launch party last month:

Diva: (Noun) A haughty, spoiled woman.

Hayden Panettiere, whose name I can only successfully spell by copy and pasting, lost her shit on a reporter over the weekend. Because she's on "Heroes," right? That's big time. Some people just don't know how to treat a star.

After posing for photos, she brushed by reporters. A female television reporter touched her shoulder and asked, "May we talk with you, Hayden?" Miffed, the actress jerked her head around and screamed, "Don't you ever touch me!"

She then icily asked a red carpet handler, "Oh, am I supposed to do interviews?" Approaching various media outlets, she snapped again: "You all make my life miserable" and refused to answer any questions. (Source)

Wow, seriously?? Sounds like somebody needs to be taken down a notch. Of course, since Hayden Panettiere is only three apples high to begin with, if she's taken down a notch she'll no longer be tall enough to ride the Teacups ride at Disneyland. Heyoo!

Victoria Beckham's outfit is totally redonkulous. (Lainey Goss)

What are the worst television theme songs of all time? (Pajiba)

Chris Brown apparently has Rihanna locked up in a bunker somewhere. (Yeeeah!)

Lily Allen is broke because of the recession. How it that even possible? I'm not even broke because of the recession and I actually lost my day job. (The Blemish)

Zac Efron's mom got him condoms in his Christmas stocking. Ew. (Seriously? OMG!)

Nick Cannon to Chris Brown: "There's never a reason to hit a woman." Or make direct eye contact either, right Nick? (Celebitchy)

Paris' new boyfriend is already totally whipped. (Celebslam)

Think Star Trek cologne will get you laid, geeks? (Agent Bedhead)

Joe Francis vs. Brody Jenner! It's a real douche-off! (CelebSmack)

Lauren Conrad quit "The Hills!" How could she?! (IBBB)

Appropriate: (Adjective) Suitable or proper in the circumstances.

You know all those racy costumes Britney Spears is wearing on her "Circus" tour? Well just in case you thought otherwise, she wants to make sure everyone knows that her kids won't be missing a minute of it. Hear that? They get to see everything.

"Contrary to rumors linked to false articles," a late-night statement posted on Britney's website reads. "Britney Spears' sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, will be joining her on the entire Circus tour and will be attending shows as planned."

"Britney's family is a huge inspiration and she loves having them on the road with her." (Source)

I would say seeing your mom writhe around on a stage wearing pasties and dancing on a stripper pole in front of thousands of screaming fans would normally rate pretty high on the traumamometer, but these are Britney Spears kids we're talking about. Sean Preston has set up camp in his happy place for so long he probably knows the name of the mailman there by now.

Unholy: (Adjective) Awful; dreadful; the worst thing you can imagine.

Remember when Pam Anderson used to be sexy? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, last night Pam was modeling Vivienne Westwood when one of her tits wrangled itself free. You can click here to see the uncensored version, but I have to warn you, her boob literally has a dent in it at the nipple. It's kind of terrifying. I don't know what kind of plastic surgery you have to get before your boob starts to look like a pumpkin sitting on the front stoop in January, but congratulations! It looks like Pam's pulled it off!

Mistake: (Noun) An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler, who went through a very public divorce in 2006 that was mostly public due to the fact that they constantly talk shit about each other on their myspace blogs, are getting remarried. Yay?

Former beauty queen Moakler tells Us Weekly magazine, "We would like to renew our vows and have another wedding. It's not so much about the wedding but about having a celebration of each other and getting through all the crazy things we've been through. When you almost lose a loved one, it makes you appreciate things you took for granted." (Source)

This is pretty much the worst idea ever. This is such a bad idea that I think back to the time when I was 5-years-old and I touched the burner on the stove just to see what it felt like and it makes it seem like a good idea. At least know I know. It was hot. I don't need for Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler to get back together to know that I'll be quoting insults off their Twitter accounts months from now.

Routine: (Adjective) Performed as part of a regular procedure rather than for a special reason.

Amy Winehouse has been charged with assault for punching a fan who asked her if she could take her picture last fall. I guess sometimes a simple "no thanks" just doesn't suffice.

On Thursday, "Amy voluntarily attended a police station in London," where she was formally arrested and charged, her spokesman confirms. "She was questioned by appointment in relation to an accusation made after the Berkeley ball last year." (Source)

I don't even know what else to say about Amy Winehouse at this point. How many times has she been charged with assault? Eight? Nine? She's got to be close to earning a "free fan beating" on her punch card by now, anyway.

Puke: (Verb) To vomit.

Long story short, I went out drinking last night. Because when you're a blogger, you can totally do that; go out drinking on a Thursday night. I know, my life is great. Anyways, I got pretty drunk. Like, blackout drunk. Like, don't remember singing karaoke drunk. Yet when I woke up this morning, I was totally surprised with how awesome and not-at-all hungover I felt.

Then, I turn on my computer and this is the first thing that smacks me in the face. And now it's all come back, like a person with amnesia regaining their memory. The Long Island Iced Teas, the 2 a.m. pizza, that half of a cigarette I smoked, all of it. Now I don't know if I should make myself throw up or start drinking again. Paris Hilton, folks. Literally, the only thing more sobering than waking up next to a stranger.

More below, including a delightful upskirt:

Since almost literally nothing happened today, let's talk about Kristen Bell's dress. I like it, some people thinks it makes her look like a fish. Discuss. (The Blemish)

Check out Joshua Jackson's posthumous masterpiece. (Pajiba)

Here's awesomely crazy Milla Jovovich in Interview magazine. (Yeeeah!)

Oh noes! Mork is sick? (Seriously? OMG!)

Update! Chris Brown was charged with two felonies. Here's hoping he winds up in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. (Celebitchy)

Rihanna on the other hand, is doing the totally rational thing in this situation: Cutting off her friends and family. (POTP)

WTF is Peaches Geldof wearing on her feet? (Ayyyy!)

Ohhhhshit. Lindsay Lohan is starting a feud with Queen Scientology now. (BricksAndStones)

Aww, Ashlee and Pete's stupid emo baby is actually kind of... Cute? (CelebWarship)

Holy crap, this is kind of eerie to put it like this. (cityrag)

What's the worst absolute punishment you can think of for a cheater? (CollegeCandy)

Mischa Barton photoshopped into a hot corpse. (Popoholic)

Rasta: (Adjective) Of the Jamaican religious movement which involves the wearing of dreadlocks and the smoking of cannabis.

Oh my God, guys! You'll never guess were Katie Holmes went for spring break?! Well, it was actually Great Adventure, but I bet everyone will think it was Jamaica with those wicked beads in her hair. No one the wiser! Oh, and just wait until she breaks out the Co-ed Naked Surfing shirt. She is totally gonna be the coolest kid at school tomorrow.

Editor's note: Yeah, yeah, before you all start crawling up my ass; I know it's for a movie role.

Terminate: (Verb) To assassinate someone.

Oh my God guys, you are totally not gonna believe this. Mischa Barton might be getting an actual, real job! Now she can quit her day job of aimlessly showing up to places looking stoned. Supposedly, she's being tapped (hee!) for the upcoming ruination remake of "Melrose Place."

Mischa Barton is heading back to TV - she's in negotiations to star in the Melrose Place remake. The former O.C. star has confirmed she is in talks to join the cast of the show.

Barton ended her run as rich kid Marissa Cooper on teen drama "The O.C." in 2006. TV bosses at The CW, who brought back Beverly Hills 90210 as a spin-off last year, have ordered the production of a pilot episode of the new Melrose Place. (Source)

At first I was not hip to this idea, as I used to love -- love! -- "Melrose Place" back in the 90's. And, I really hate -- hate! -- Mischa Barton. But when I think about it, "Melrose Place," if nothing else, was known for its awesome death scenes. I literally cheered when Kristen Davis ate it at the bottom of that swimming pool. And Mischa Barton, on the other hand, is probably best known for eating it on the "O.C." because everyone hated her stupid character so much. This is actually a match made in TV heaven. The only better possible scenario would be if they could figure out how to horribly kill her in every episode. Kind of like "South Park" only with stupider hats.

More of stupid Mischa and her stupid ginormous head at fashion week dressed like a Quaker: And just for fun, Marissa Cooper eating it after the jump!

Justice: (Noun) the administration of the law or authority in maintaining just behavior.

Chris Brown is expected in court today to face the charges of beating the holy hell out of his girlfriend who warmly accepted him back only weeks later. According to People, there are several different scenarios in which this could play out today:

• The DA could charge him with any number of felonies, among them, domestic violence and making criminal threats, each carrying a maximum three years in state prison. They could also file a combination of felonies and misdemeanors.

• If charged with a felony, Brown will be required to personally show in court and could enter a plea.

• If the DA doesn't file a case against him Thursday, Brown will not be required to show, and would be notified to return to court at a later date.

• The DA could decline to file formal charges, and refer the case to the City Attorney's office for misdemeanor review, which could take days or weeks.

Of course, another possible scenario is that on his way to the courthouse, he could be struck by lightning while simultaneously getting hit by a speeding bus, all the while a brain tumor ruptures in his head. How 'bout it, God?

Victim: (Noun) A person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action.

Miley Cyrus has a memoir coming out for some inexplicable reason, because she's 16 and who the fuck cares. Anyway, in the book, aptly titled Miles to Go, (SNERK!) Miley talks about how horrible her life was before she became famous and how she was "brutally" picked on in school. Wah, like who wasn't?

"The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls," Miley wrote. "I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm."

Cyrus recalled one particular incident when her detractors locked her in the girls' restroom during class. "They shoved me in," she wrote in her book. "I was trapped. I banged on the door until my fists hurt. Nobody came. I spent what felt like an hour in there, waiting for someone to rescue me, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up." (Source)

Oh, you know what? I've got the world's tiniest violin here. It's a shame I don't have a bigger one, because I probably could have given it to those girls to use to beat her with. Most people don't realize it, but violins have just the perfect amount of leverage to make them the ideal beating tool.

AnnaLynne McCord's "90210" audition tape revealed! (Seriously? OMG!)

Ha! Radiohead told Miley Cyrus to go fuck herself, in so many words. (Lainey Goss)

Jimmy Fallon debuted to strong ratings, mostly of viewers tuning in to see how bad he'd fail. (Pajiba)

The rumor mill today is saying that Rihanna may have married Chris Brown. Doesn't she have like, "people" to tell her this is a horrible idea? (Yeeeah!)

Hmm... I don't know about that. I won't suck dick for just any old pastries. (The Blemish)

Lindsay Lohan does Madonna? And not in the gross, sexy way you'd think. (CelebSmack)

Ugh!! No!! I can only write so many Megan Fox-Brian Austin Green breakup stories. (Celebitchy)

Wait, what? Usher actually did something totally awesome and slammed Chris Brown, then he did something totally, totally sucky and redacted it. Ugh. (Celebslam)

Juliette Lewis dumped her band The Licks, adding to the tally of people who want to kick her in her retarded face. (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan is getting rid of her NYC apartment. (AllieIsWired)

I've never heard of Madeline Zima, but she sure is purty. (usemycomputer)

Heidi Klum takes the "Bra Mobile" for a spin. (popbytes)

Bad Girl: (Noun) A girl whose actions are typically unacceptable to her parents, society, etc.

And now, a random quote from Eliza Dushku. Why you won't see her hooking up with any Zac Efrons or Joe Jonases anytime soon:

"I like guys who play hard and have calluses on their hands. Any guy who's been raised in a bubble hasn't lived enough for me. Scars and broken body parts and tattoos are hot." (Source)

Hmm... I know someone who has scars and tattoos who would be just perfect for Eliza Dushku. Just one thing, how married is she to the whole "guy" part of the equation? Not that I'm gay exactly... But I'd go temporarily gay for Eliza Dushku. Maybe even if it was just to remind myself that I don't really like it. Kind of how I am about eating cottage cheese. In theory it always sounds good -- low in fat, high in protein -- but then you're like, yuck it's still cottage cheese. That's like what Eliza Dushku is. Really, really smoking hot cottage cheese.

Promoting "Dollhouse" for Hulu:

Proof: (Noun) Evidence establishing a fact or the truth of a statement.

"See guys? Look, I totally eat!"

In her quest to prove that she's not back to being an anorexic coke-head, Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a West Hollywood "Yogurtland" eating -- wait for it -- frozen yogurt! Nice try Linds, but everybody knows frozen yogurt is pretty much the easiest food in the world to puke up. When I was in college there was even a girl who lived down the hall from me who would have pretzels dipped in ketchup for dinner every night followed by fat-free frozen yogurt for dessert, like we didn't all know she was throwing that shit up before she went to go hit the gym for three hours. Next time try something a little more inspired, like all-you-can-eat "riblets" night at Applebee's or a pie-eating contest. And not the pie-eating contest you have on a nightly basis with Samantha, either. Zing!!!

Flagrant: (Adjective) Of something considered morally, conspicuously or obviously offensive.

Paris Hilton is an asshole. You know how you're worried about things like eating and heating your home after you lost your job because your company shut down the entire branch? Well Paris has got problems, too. Namely, that her stupid pink Bentley isn't "diamondey" enough.

A Bentley source said last night: “I guess she’s not hit too badly by the recession. Paris got one of her guys to phone Bentley in Crewe, where the vehicle was made, to ask if it would be possible to give it a little more sparkle.

“When the man said she wanted to stud the dashboard with a couple of hundred grand’s worth of diamonds, we were stunned. (Source)

I'm trying to think of what the appropriate karmic retribution would be for having a "diamond-encrusted" dashboard made for your car in the middle of an international financial crisis, but I can't really think of anything that doesn't involve her actually having to eat the dashboard. So instead, I'll just say that I hope someone shoots her in the face. Ta da! Sometimes the old classics really are the best.

More of the stripper version of Snow White her new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt:

Show-Stopper: (Noun) A performance that wins enthusiastic or prolonged applause.

Britney Spears finally kicked off her much hoo-ha'ed "Circus" tour in New Orleans last night. The show boasted a 16-song set list with a whopping dozen costume changes, many of which involved -- spoiler alert! -- sheer bodysuits and pasties. Reviews are starting to roll in, which are predictably lackluster.

Descending from above in a red ringmaster-meets-dominatrix outfit to sing her hit "Circus," she showed that her body was tight, even if her dancing always wasn't. Indeed, throughout the show's four sections, there was a lot more strutting than real choreographic feats from Spears. And there was a decided lack of joy in her performance, which felt labored at times.

It didn't help that she hardly engaged the audience, not addressing them at all until after her lone encore, "Womanizer," performed in sexed-up cop uniforms. Given that Spears probably doesn't do much live singing either, it left a definite chill in the air.

When she wrapped the concert about 90 minutes after emerging, she seemed more relieved than anything that it was all over. (Source)

I don't know what everyone is expecting. She's a heavily-medicated psychopath with little to no free will when it comes to her career decisions. The only difference between Britney Spears and a marionette puppet is that the puppet at least has strings to keep it from making friends with crickets and shaving its head. I'd say the odds of her actually finishing out this tour are between "zero" to "not a fucking chance in hell."

Kevin Smith to direct a Tracy Morgan-Bruce Willis buddy cop movie? Hol-ee shit. (Pajiba)

Here's a first look at a blonde-haired Angelina Jolie in her new movie. (The Blemish)

MY EYES! I'm not supposed to get Jonas nips in them! (Yeeeah!)

Aww, check out a 13-year-old Jack Black back in 1982 for Atari. (Seriously? OMG!)

Madonna may have had a procedure called a "ribbon lift." Yeeeesch. (Celebitchy)

Kate Hudson vs. Malin Akerman? (Ayyyy!)

Celebrity tattoos? Always creepy. (cityrag)

Kelly Osbourne is out of rehab again. Maybe the third time will be the charm. (CelebWarship)

They're commercializing the shit out of Britney Spears with her new tour. (BricksAndStones)

Tilda Swinton resembles a blown glass vase they sell on the boardwalk. (POTP)

So, apparently some crazy shit went down on "The Bachelor" last night, eh? (College Candy)

Scarlett Johansson went from hippie to goth. (Popoholic)

Jesus... This picture totally made me queeze. (IDWYL)

Believable: (Adjective) (Of an account or the person relating it) able to be believed; credible.

In Mario Lopez Is The Gayest Gay Who Ever Gayed news... Yup, still gay! On finding "Mrs. Right": (*stifles laughter*)

"I am in a very serious relationship with my show Extra! She's great," he told Usmagazine.com at Cosmopolitan magazine's Fun Fearless Male Awards in Beverly Hills Monday night. "She's there everyday!"

"I'm not really working on trying to find Ms. Right," he went on. "I'm kind of working on being Mr. Right, and it will happen." (Source)

I don't know how much longer he can go on like this, making these kind of sad, pathetic excuses. He would sound more convincing than this trying to bluff his way through a game of poker with a hand full of UNO cards.

Preggers: (Adjective) Short for "pregnant."

Avril Lavigne and her stupid, pink-tipped hair sparked pregnancy rumors this weekend when she was seen leaving a Santa Monica restaurant with husband Deryck [sic] Whibley and holding a hand on her stomach. It's hard to say. Sure, she may be actually pregnant. Or, she may have just gone overboard on the fried mozzarella. That shit makes me gassy too. Either way, regardless of whether Avril Lavigne is pregnant or not, one thing's for sure: Everybody will continue not caring about Avril Lavigne. She probably couldn't give exclusive baby photos to US Magazine for free. They'd like like, no thanks, we're just gonna go with Jessica Simpson fat pictures again.

Avril and Drrryk in Los Angeles back in December shortly before the paparazzi realized they weren't Ashlee and Pete:

Hero: (Noun) A person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

I know this isn't exactly timely news, but a reader sent me this clip of this Scottish chick named Sharleen Spiteri, who I think is some kind of singer or something, on Graham Norton's show last summer. I had never heard of Sharleen before this, but after watching this clip she pretty much became my idol. Some people idolize those who have accomplished great achievements, or who have overcome adversity to do amazing things. Rosa Parks. Neil Armstrong. Gloria Steinem. Me? I idolize the girl who threatened to "kick the shit" out of Paris Hilton and spit on her. It's nice to have someone who you can really look up to and aspire to be like, you know?

Thanks to Anna!

More of Paris being a whorey whoresmack like usual in Japan recently:

Out The Ass: (Phrase) A large or substantial amount or degree of something, particularly used in reference to being sued.

Sharon Osbourne is about to learn the hard way why you can't just go around hitting and scratching people and pulling their hair out. "Rock of Love" contestant Megan Hauserman is gonna sue the shit out of her!

The lawsuit states that Hauserman was "grievously and permanently injured and hurt in her health, strength and activity" and "will be prevented from attending to any occupation in the future."

Therefore, she is suing for damages to cover past and future medical expenses, loss of earning potential and legal costs, as well as any punitive damages the court should see fit. (Source)

You could argue that Megan's lawsuit is a bit frivolous -- I mean, really? She wasn't "attending" to any "occupation" to begin with. But fuck it. The Osbourne family is such spoiled, entitled trash I can't wait to see them totally eat it. When it all boils down, that entire family are just an accent and four bottles of peroxide away from being The Hogans.

Unrepentant: (Adjective) Showing no regret for one's wrongdoings.

After photos of her jogging in daisy dukes and a bikini with her titters hanging all out for all of creation to see surfaced on the internet yesterday, Miley Cyrus apologized for her lack of discretion on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. Kidding! She acted like an indignant little shit, as always.

"I don't get the big whoop, but whatever," she said Monday on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show. "I guess it's just... I'm not allowed to jog any more."

"I don't get why people are allowed to take pictures and make them something they're not, but I guess that's just how their job works and how they'll make the most money." (Source)

My favorite part is the little passive aggressive jab about how she's "not allowed to jog anymore." Oh, boo hoo! How life is so unfair for Miley Cyrus! That's like showing up at the grocery store drunk out of your mind and ramming into people with your cart and stumbling around, knocking down displays and shit and then saying "I guess I'm not allowed to go grocery shopping anymore" when you get removed from the premises. Yeah. Nobody was sympathetic to me that time, either.

Jessica Alba lobs us all a softball in the form of two melons. (Celebslam)

Hollywood is remaking the gayest movie ever. Even gayer than Brokeback. (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan is switching teams yet again. (Yeeeah!)

The kid from Slumdog Millionaire needs an Anelina Jolie style kidnapping. (The Blemish)

Yuh-ikes. Jeffrey Dean Morgan has definitely improved with age. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Aniston knows that no matter what she says, it'll be taken out of context. This is true, it's my whole job to take things out of context. Sorry, Jen. (Celebitchy)

Daaamn! Gwen Stefani's kid can really take a beating! Take notes, Bronx Mowgli. (AllieIsWired)

Paris Hilton is now going out with Amanda Bynes' ex. I guess that guy really was a famewhore. (CelebSmack)

Rose McGowan's head doesn't look attached to her body in these photos. (usemycomputer)

Haha The Jonas Brothers' stupid, pathetic little movie didn't even get first place. (Lainey Goss)

Ben Linus and Mike White, separated at birth? (omg blog)

Lauren Conrad apparently has nothing better to do than delete bloggers from her twitter account. (IBBB)

Maniac: (Noun) A person exhibiting extreme symptoms of wild behavior, esp. when violent and dangerous.

Amy Winehouse, who has been "resting" in St. Lucia for the past few months, finally got on a plane headed for London this weekend, presumably to deal with her impending divorce from her estranged husband Blake. And I know you're all going to be just absolutely shocked by what happened next -- but, spoiler alert! -- Amy wreaked unholy havoc upon her fellow passengers.

Our source in the Club World section of BA2152 said the relative quiet on-board was shattered when Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles.

The source said: 'I was pretty shocked to look up and see Amy Winehouse hurtling through the plane and shouting. It’s just not what you expect.'

The source continued: 'She had clearly been drinking and kept running between the different classes, which just isn’t what people do on planes. (Source)

Not what you'd expect? Running around and shouting incoherently is pretty much the only thing I expect from Amy Winehouse. She doesn't live her life by the credo "What Would Tasmanian Devil Do?" for nothing, you know.

More of Wino at the airport, reunited with her beehive 'o crazy:

Common Sense: (Noun) Good sense and sound judgment in practical matters.

Miley Cyrus went out jogging with her underwear model boyfriend and his crucifix of statutory rape this weekend wearing denim cut-offs, sunglasses and what appears to be a bikini top, because... I don't know why. Because Miley Cyrus is a fucking idiot. Don't get me wrong, when I was sixteen, I was a fucking idiot, too. All sixteen year olds are. I think I actually used to go rollerblading in the summer wearing nothing but like, a swim suit. But you know what the difference is between me at sixteen and Miley Cyrus? About $100 million dollars, give or take a couple hundred grand. Once you can buy yourself a solid gold toilet, you are no longer are afforded the leisure of going around being a fucking idiot all the time. Sorry, I don't make up the rules. That's just the way it is.

Double Dog: (Noun) A dare of which that stakes have been raised. Not as serious as a Triple Dog dare.

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson appeared on the German variety show "Wetten, dass …?" this weekend to promote Marley and Me. As is apparently customary on the show, host Thomas Gottschalk made a bet with the two that a guest could perform a claimed talent. In this case, the talent was a woman telling the difference between her team of husky dogs by the sound of them eating soup. Jen and Owen lost, so they each had to eat a dog biscuit. I am not making this up.

"I wish I had known the stakes first," Wilson said. When the dog owner, who was blindfolded, guessed right, Gottschalk invited both Wilson and Aniston to join him in a biscuit. Aniston protested, "But I guessed right!" The host told her, "You're a team, just like the dogs," which prompted Wilson to put his arm around her shoulder and say, "Honey, we're in this together."

On the count of three they all took a bite. How were they? "They're a little dry," said Aniston. Wilson seemed to be enjoying his more, so Gottschalk gave him a handful in, yes, a doggie bag. (Source)

In the future, I hope these two are more careful when making appearances in these strange, foreign countries with customs so very different than our own. This time they got off easy by only having to eat a dog biscuit. If they had been someplace like China, on the other hand, this could have been a totally different outcome. Let's just say the two of them should count their blessings that all of their limbs are still intact.

Reunited: (Verb) Come together again after a period of separation or disunity.

What?! Rihanna has reportedly taken back Chris Brown this weekend, and supposedly Diddy orchestrated the whole thing. There are no words.

The couple is staying together at a house owned by Sean “Diddy” Combs on Star Island near Miami, Florida. Brown has been seen smiling, riding a jet ski, and flexing his arm muscles. Rihanna arrived four days ago, according to a source.

The latest issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now, reports the pair have recently begun speaking again, and that Brown reached out to Rihanna on her 21st birthday. “He’s been calling and they are talking,” says a source. (Source)

Don't you just love these kinds of classic love stories? Where a pair of star-crossed lovers defeats the odds, and finds love again after one beats the motherloving shit out of the other one and then evidence photos of the beating turn up on the internet so everyone can see how horrific the injuries sustained were yet somehow they're able to make it work? So fucking romantic, I could almost cry.