Personally, I just think there's just something super-duper sexy about watching Amanda Peete argue. (Celebslam)

Britney is schtupping the help, a former Israeli army man. Those dudes are for real, man. Watch it paparazzi. He could break you with a stare. (Yeeeah!)
 
Whoopi Goldberg has had 50 sexual partners! Aaaaand there goes my lunch. (Celebitchy)

In Advertisements that Work: British Trannies. (Agent Bedhead)

Judge Judy can moooove. (The Blemish)

Fucking Elmo. (Seriously? OMG!)

Rihanna shows us her nipples. (IDLYITW)

Jamie Lynn Spears to get married behind the double-wide. (Celebwarship)

Evil Dead 4, bitches. Get some. (Pajiba)

Hayden Panettiere and the nerds don't exactly jibe. (Galley Slaves)

With photoshopping like this on her side, Jessica Simpson can afford to eat at the IHOP and Olive Garden every day! (DListed)

Vulgar: (Adjective) Making explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions.

Samantha Ronson accompanied Lindsay Lohan out in Los Angeles yesterday wearing a shirt with naked wieners all over it, in front of children and God and old people and everyone. While this does seem really crass and inappropriate, you gotta cut the girl a break. I mean, she is dating Lindsay Lohan here. She's got to keep hold of her attention somehow, and what better way than to camouflage herself with dick? Kind of like how hunters spray themselves with deer urine.

Click thumbnails for uncensored photos:

Broke Ass (Adjective) Refers to a general loser or failure at life who ain't got no money.

For those curious about what happened to the legendary musician, Willie Aames, from the band "Willie Aames & Paradise" (less cool people also know him as Buddy Lembeck from "Charles in Charge"), here's a time line of his life's events:

1979: Forms Willie Aames & Paradise.
1982: Stars in Zapped!, alongside Scott Baio.
1984 - 1990: Stars in "Charles in Charge"
1995 - 2004: Stars as Christian Superhero, Bibleman.
2005: Loses 19 lbs. on VH1s "Celebrity Fit Club."
2008: Falls $350,000 in debt; files bankruptcy in home state of Kansas.

Damn! That broke ass was only paid a combined $29,000 for his recent book and appearance on "Celebrity Fit Club." But there's always a silver lining: Willie Aames and his son were recently robbed, but the thief only got away with $15.

Keeper: (Noun) Significant other whom would make for good marriage material.

Kim Kardashian, who has been dating Reggie Bush for awhile now, recently told In Touch that she's started checking out bridal magazines and planning her wedding. Which might come as somewhat of a surprise to Reggie Bush, who hasn't so much proposed yet.

“I was in Vegas last weekend for a bachelorette party and saw how hectic it is to plan a wedding, so I’ve decided to start planning mine before being asked!”

Kim Kardashian is a modern woman, and in this modern society of ours, many men don't like to have to make pesky decisions of "who they are or aren't going to marry." Which is why I personally usually just wait until after the first time I sleep with a guy before whipping out the bridal magazines. Also, never underestimate the beauty of a faked pregnancy, because sometimes men don't aways realize that they don't want to make the pesky decision of who they are or aren't going to marry.

More of Bear Trap McGee at a fashion show earlier this week:

Chiseled (Adjective) (of a face) having strongly defined, clean-cut facial feature.

At yesterday's HFPA's Annual Installation Luncheon, Aaron Eckhart and "Mad Men's" Jon Hamm engaged in the institution's First Annual Chisel Off, a battle (to the death) between two square-jawed celebrites. It was close -- Hamm put a deep gash into Eckhart with his cheekbones, but in the end, Eckhart's dimpled chin struck the fatal blow. Next up for Eckhart: "Heroes" Adrian Pasdar. Good luck gentlemen.  

Self-Respect: (Noun) Pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity.

Kathy Griffin has recently come forward to say that she'll never enter a chop shop ever again, after having extensive plastic surgery done several years ago.

"I’ve been off the junk, as I call it, for five years," she says in the September issue of Fitness (out August 14). "I’ve had face lift, eye job and all that stuff five years ago.

"What I found, though, was that it didn’t help me one bit," Griffin says. "It didn’t get me happier or didn’t make me look particularly younger." (Source)

Come on, if plastic surgery is so bad, then how do you explain Madonna and Meg Ryan always getting it done? Oh, riiiiight. They look like monsters. And actually, Kathy Griffin is looking pretty damn fine in these pictures. Can you even believe that we live in a world where Kathy Griffin has now officially surpassed Madonna in hotness? Think about that.

Porn Star (Noun) A person who performs sexual acts on camera.

Early enough for you? Are you feeling wide awake? Have you had your morning coffee yet? A big bowl of cereal? Raisin bran, huh? Yeah. That's good stuff. Lots of fiber. Make ya regular. Oh, and a donut, too, huh? Nice breakfast fattie. You slather that donut with cream cheese, too? Figures.

Well, get ready to heave it all back up, sports fans. Don't bother sticking your finger down your throat this morning; I've got blog ipecac, a nice piece of mental imagery that's gonna wrack your tummy with spasms, and turn that 2,000 calorie breakfast into a zero calorie puddle. On your keyboard.

Bill Bellichick has a sex tape. Yeah. You heard me.

I heard from someone who is close to the case that there is a sex tape of Bill Belichick banging the married woman he had an affair with. I shit you not. The husband who is suing that woman for being unfaithful to him has a tape of his wife and Belichick screwing while the two of them were still married.(Source)

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you come here for celebrity gossip? Who gives a shit. This here is real news! The devil himself is a porn star. The most evil man in sports has been caught on camera shoving his devil-horned penis into a blonde woman that looks vaguely like Dina Lohan. Oh sure: That tape may never see the light of day (thank fucking God), but the knowledge that it exists is surely enough to haunt half of America.

Bill Belichick: Porn star. Write it down. Run it through your head. You think he wears those sleeveless hoodies to bed? You think he draws diagrams of his girlfriend's body before he goes exploring? Hell, if the past is any indication, he probably has a file of sex tapes of his girlfriend and her old partners, which he uses for research. Fucking cheater.

Porn Star: (Noun) A person who performs sexual acts on camera.

Dina Lohan reportedly went ballistic after finding out from TMZ that her Daughter Ali auditioned for legendary pornography director Peter Davy for the part in the horror remake of Troll.

Ali Lohan's rep tells us the girl had no idea that Peter Davy was behind such classics as "Breast Wishes 14" and "Bun Busters 12." Sources tell us the meeting was actually set up by Ali's agent. Apparently, no one gave Dina a heads up -- pardon the expression. (Source)

Puh-lease. You mean to tell me that the fame-mongering mother of the 14-year-old girl who wants to be "just like Lindsay Lohan" didn't know perfectly damn well what she was getting into until TMZ helpfully pointed it out? I've heard more believable declarations of innocence by crackheads soliciting undercover police officers on episodes of "COPS." And while offering a blowjob in exchange for crack as recorded by a hidden wire may seem like irrefutable evidence, I've also seen "Living Lohan." And really, they're pretty much or par.

Good lord, no wonder she wears those ugly hats all the time. (Socialite's Life)

Or if she's tired of the hats, independent film offers another solution. (Pajiba)

What, you thought looking as hot as Britney Spears came without a hefty* pricetag? (Yeeeah!)

Ali and Dina Lohan get kicked out of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants afterparty -- on their asses!** (The Blemish)

Maybe John McCain can turn to a career in gossip blogging when he loses the presidential election. (Celebslam)

More pics of Wrangler McConaughey from OK! magazine. (Seriously? OMG!)

We'd just like to take the opportunity to rub the anniversary of Jennifer Aniston's failed marriage in her face. (CelebritySmack)

Because Heidi and Spencer have been too quiet this week. (popbytes)

I don't know how I missed this earlier this week, but Mr. Boston tells of the time he almost got to do anal. (BestWeekEver)

On a related note, a guy only slightly creepier than Mr. Boston, and only barely safer for work. (Ayyyy!)

Miley Cyrus won't kiss a girl for attention... Yet. (CelebWarship)

* Editor's note: pun intended!

**Editor's note: this one, too.

Vanity: (Noun) Excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements.

Corey Feldman, pictured here with wife Susie at the signing of her Playboy issue, (classy) recently opened up about liposuction he had done after seeing himself in a photoshoot he and his wife did for PETA.

Feldman appears in an unbuttoned shirt next to his naked wife in the new PETA ad, which recreates John Lennon and Yoko Ono's famous Give Peace a Chance bed-in.

He says, "They were going, 'More skin, more skin, give us more skin." (Source)

Seriously, when is PETA just going to abandon this whole "Ethical Treatment for Animals" pretense and just be pornographers already? But more importantly, how is it even possible for Vanity Smurf here -- who eats nothing but nuts, seeds and grains -- to need lipo in the first place? I thought "being massively underweight" was one of the fortunate side effects of veganism, along with "naturally pallid skin" and "early signs of osteoporosis."

Editor's note: These two are going to have the messiest divorce ever. I can't wait!

Trucker Hat (Noun) A baseball hat with a mesh backing, the quintessential accessory of douche-chic fashion. It's one of the many Paradoxes of American School-age Culture: Rich kids paying out the ass to look like the kids they make fun of.

Talk about a couple of extraordinary nut sacks: It looks like Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake -- who should be arguing over whose the biggest labia fold -- are having a celebrity squabble over the goddamn trucker hat.

Justin Timberlake is convinced he was the first celeb to sport a trucker cap. The singer is slightly offended that fashion experts have credited hunky Ashton Kutcher, 30, with setting the trend. Justin, 27, is keen to set the record straight.

'It's funny, I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible,' he tells Metro. 'I was wearing them when I was 17.'

Let's just settle this debate now, OK. You know who was first to wear trucker hats? Truckers. Middle-aged men with mustaches, Waffle House guts, and handles like "Yard Stick" and "Rubber Necker," who sleep in the back of their cabs and spend their days behind the wheel of an semi chatting on their CB radios. In other words: Guys who are about 47 times cooler than Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake. In fact, I suspect if a trucker saw a rich punk wearing a trucker hat, he'd probably laugh at them for paying $50 for the same thing he paid $4 for at a truck stop. Then he'd beat the shit out of him for being such a fucking poseur.  

Trannyfoot: (Noun) Similar to hookerfoot, condition of prominent wearing of comically oversized heels as the ones commonly worn by transvestites.

Sorry ladies, (and tiny men) but I hear Paris Hilton's new footwear line only comes in size 13 and up.

Suicide McCounaughbomber (Noun) A 40-year-old man (who thinks he's 20) wired with explosives that detonates himself in the name of a certain cause, like life, liberty, and the pursuit of trim.

Awright, awright, aw ... KABLOOOOOOOO!

McConaughmist.

Moo (Verb) The noise a cow makes. Also particularly useful in heckling fatties.

Nicely done, K-Fed. I like how he's wisely chosen an oversized T-shirt which gently accentuates his burgeoning man jubblies by creating swathes of fabric that drape down the entire length of his torso; as well as wide, three-quarter length shorts for maximizing leg stubbiness.

Didn't I just read that this guy is coming out with a fitness DVD? What the hell does he plan to do in it? Sit on a couch and eat bon-bons while he watches a bunch of attractive fitness models do all the work? It'll be just like his marriage to Britney all over again. Zing!!!

Extraordinary Nut Sack (Noun, Verb, Adjective) Meaning differs, based on context.

Thanks to the above advertisement, the TV Whore has encouraged the Pajiba faithful to make "extraordinary nut sack" a regular part of their lexicon. We're here to help, with an assist from a regular Pajiba and WIMB reader, Jeremy, who offers up these fine usages, in case your ever in wont of a situation where the phrase is appropriate:

You can use it as a noun ("Have you seen Iron Man? Downey Jr. is one extraordinary nut sack!"), a verb ("You kids better shut the fuck up back there, or I'm going to come and extraordinarily nutsack you little shits!") and an adjective ("I took my kids to see Wall-E, and they all thought it was Extraordinary Nutsack!"). (Source)

Personally, I like a more literal meaning, as in: Have you seen Cisco Adler's extraordinary nut sack?

Fabulous (Adjective) Beyond all description of wonder, delight, desire, love, sunrise, ice cream, music, dancing, anger, awe, adoration, passion, hope, transformation, breath, breakfast, closing your eyes, touching, tasting, feeling, being, unicorns, rainbows, fucking, and bright shiny lights! 

Over: (Adverb) Finished, done, terminated, to have a fork stuck in, etc.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong, both of whom will turn to dust if they stay in a committed relationship for too long, have predictably called it quits after three months. Good thing they didn't do anything stupid like jump the gun and play house with each others' kids or anything, right? Oops.

Each had introduced the other to family. Hudson's mom Goldie Hawn gave what seemed to be her approval at a July 1 lunch at The Ivy at the Shore. Also, Hudson's four-year-old son Ryder went to a Father's Day brunch with Armstrong — and dad Chris Robinson - in June. (Source)

Now, I'm the last person who should be telling anyone how to raise their kids... But when your child starts approaching strange men at the Home Depot and asking "Are you my Daddy?" -- I think it's safe to say the irrevocable damage has already been done.

Older photos of Kate and Lance playing tennis the unconventional way, (with tongue):

VH1's "I Love Money" hails the future as predicted by the film Idiocracy. (Pajiba)

No really. Goddammit. I'm reaching maximum Miley-sposure, here. (Yeeeah!)

This is Mr. Belding. (BestWeekEver)

Who could have foreseen that putting not one but two Coreys on a TV show together would be self-destructive? (Seriously? OMG!)

Keira Knightley takes a stand against DEB. No, not the shitty store at the mall: Digitally Enhanced Breasts. (The Blemish)

Courntey Love in all her deflate-boobed, ruffle corset-tankini'ed glory. (Celebslam)

Brendan Fraiser stars in a "hair-raising" adventure of epic proportions! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh, shit. Batten down the hatches -- Britney is a free woman! (Celebitchy)

Dumbest pissing contest EVAR. (PopOnThePop)

There now actually exists a Facebook group for WIMB fans. Can you even believe it? So yeah: you should totally join. All the cool kids are going to. (Facebook)

Pick Your Battles: (Phrase) Old saying suggesting that you should only choose fights you think you can win for the greater good of victory.

Brooke Hogan has had it and she's not gonna take it anymore! No, not because of people being disgusted at the thought of her naked body, or for suggesting that she's a tree fucker or even that her whole family should be killed. No, apparently someone had the gall to suggest that she missed her brother's birthday. Gasp!!! Brookehole writes:

Heres how stupid and inaccurate the media can be... According to the press I didn't show up to my brothers 18th birthday at the jail.
Lets see...
*hes in jail
*Its an important birthday...the big 18!!!
*I'm only a 4 hour drive to Tampa
*He's the most important thing in my life.
They must have thought I didn't show cause they didn't SEE me. uhh...there's such thing as a back door you jerks. (Source)

Well, you know what they say, Brooke: You shouldn't cry over spilled milk. Especially not when your family has slaughtered a live cow with their bare hands and now everyone's covered in bloody cow innards. Something like that anyway. Editor's note: I still hope you die!

Mama Hogan bringing her little man a birthday gift yesterday. Vroom vroom! Hope he has fun being the first person ever to be sodomized with a podunk skateboard on his birthday!

Hookerfoot: (Noun) Condition stemming from the prominent wearing of heels more commonly worn by prostitutes and strippers.

Thanks to Fergie's new footwear line, a brand new strain of hookerfoot is now expected to break out across the entire Southern California region. Symptoms include listening to shitty Fergie music and surreptitiously having a penis.

Contraceptive: (Noun) A device or drug serving to prevent pregnancy.

Lifestyles condoms have publicly offered Miley Cyrus, who is allegedly saving herself for marriage, (emphasis on allegedly) $1 million to be their new prophylactic spokesperson.

"Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to discuss the subject of sex," says the company's VP of marketing, Carol Carrozza. "We believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set—and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America." (Source)

On the surface, this might seem like an unlikely pairing. But if you talk to any mother who has ever been dragged to a screaming little girl-filled Hannah Montana concert, spent their entire Christmas bonus on plastic Hannah Montana crap, or been forced to sit through hours upon hours of the blithering dreck that is the Hannah Montana TV show -- I think they'll be more than happy to attest that the pull-out method is a load of fucking horseshit.

More of Miley dressed like a jockey covered in puke last week:

Jealousy Card (Noun) A cool little trick whereby you fill your vagina with multiple penises in order to win back the favor of your favorite penis.

Alanis Morissette, who would totally be my girl crush if I were gay (do the math on that one, haters) admitted this week that she used the old-fashioned method for getting over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds: She fucked everything that walked upright, including an old grandfather clock (it was dark, and she forgot her glasses);

"All my life I've been in long-term monogamous relationships. I had to break that pattern by not allowing myself to have a relationship for a year, stopping myself from committing to men. I haven't been celibate. I've had lots of dates and lots of sex, but I haven't been pushing to turn a date into a relationship. This has been a huge thing for me."

You see what she's doing here, don't you? She's playing the jealousy card. She knows if Ryan reads about her having "lots of sex," that he won't be able to stand it. That he can feel it when she's scratching her nails down another man's back. That he can't stomach the thought of her being with another man. With other men. With a Canadian football team of wild stallions. That the thought of her replacing him would be too much to bear and he'd have no choice but to dump ScarJo and return to the warm, loving embrace of Alanis (now with 30 pounds more warmth!).

Oh, a guy can dream, can't he?

Appalling: (Adjective) To be awful; just fucking terrible.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are pictured here out in New York yesterday, sensitively holding their noses as this homeless man walks by. This is actually kind of a change though, since from what I understand homeless people usually cover their crotches when Lindsay Lohan walks by. I know you probably think that sounds completely horrible, but come on. Like being homeless doesn't suck enough without having to worry about having crabs on top of everything.

Lame Incarnate (Noun) The human embodiment of lame, otherwise known as Dane Cook.

In an MSNBC piece about the rightful heirs to George Carlin, journalist Michael Ventre -- who either clearly doesn't test his sources for drugs or got his journalism degree from the back of a cereal box -- actually had the audacity to print the following quote from Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory, who posits that Dane (fucking) Cook is the guy most likely to follow in Carlin's steps:

Yet the performer he cites first as an example of the excellent health of standup comedy in a post-Carlin world is Dane Cook, a popular but polarizing presence on the standup scene.

“Why does Dane Cook have 2.5 million, 3 million fans on MySpace? Why does he sell out two shows at Madison Square Garden, and tickets go for $7,500 on eBay?” Masada asked.

“(Cook has) found a wonderful way to communicate with young people,” Masada said. “He talks about subjects that young people want to talk about. He’s one of a kind. Dane was ahead of his time. He worked hard and he got it going.

“Madison Square Garden? George Carlin couldn’t sell that out.”

I don't even know where to begin, other than to suggest that someone needs to punch this guy in the neck. Since when did we equate popular, mainstream appeal to talent? George Carlin was who he was because he broke barriers, he fucked with the system, and he was fucking hilarious. Not because he could sell out a venue. Dane Cook mispronounces sandwich and develops entire routines around standing in line at the drug store. Dane Cook believes that, if something isn't naturally funny, all he has to do is YELL LOUDER and the audience will eat it up. Dane Cook is a shmuck. Dane Cook is a Douche-tongued lothario, the Prince of Douchelvania, the Captain of the S.S. Douche. He is lame incarnate. The man wouldn't know funny until it blew a hole in the back of his throat, which actually might warrant a chuckle or two. Why do millions of people love him?

Because they don't fucking know any better.

Black Death: (Noun) The great epidemic of bubonic plague that killed a large part of the population of Europe in the mid 14th century.

So how crazy is this? I was out for drinks with friends last night, and at one point I began loudly and drunkenly rambling (as is my way) that Amy Winehouse was totally gonna die soon. And then I got home to find that she had been rushed to (and later released from) the hospital, after allegedly "suffering a reaction to medication."

Well, that sounds enough like our girl Amy. Either "reaction to medication" is a euphemism for "took one too many speedballs" or it's just a blatant cover-up that she was being treated for the plague again. Take your pick. Either way, it look like Amy Winehouse miraculously is going to continue living for now.

In case you missed it, Shia Labeouf completely Labeoufed his car while totally Labeouf-faced. (Celebslam)

When trying to hide your face from photographers, try not to expose your nipple. Rookie mistake, Blake. (The Blemish)

And speaking of hiding from photogs, the paparazzi was trying to get photos of Jessica Alba, but she kept blocking their view with an ugly baby. (Seriously? OMG!)

Damn Security Gates! Always talking shit, especially when you're fucked up. (Yeeeah!)

The skinny, the lowdown, the dish on the new T4, "It's Always Sunny from Philadelphia," and the new season of "Heroes," direct from Comic-con. (Pajiba)

I am a firm believer that Patty Cake is much more fun in large groups, in your underwear. (YBNBY)

I can't tell if that's Harvey Weinstein's wife, or his dinner. (Ayyyy!)

For those of you who have never seen Brooke Hogan in a bikini, I'm sorry about your blindness. (HQ Celebrity)

Having had his way with Sienna Miller, Balthazar Getty is now begging his wife to take him back. (Celebitchy)

Chin: (Noun) The protruding part of the face below the mouth, formed by the apex of the lower jaw.

That is all.

Extremely Effed Up (Adjective) Damaged in an extreme fashion. 

It's one thing for Britney Spears to depict a victim of a brutal sexual crime for fun and profit, but this, folks, is too much. This is real-life disrespect of the dead. Joshua Jackson hasn't been gone from this mortal Earth more than six months, and already some jackass impostor is trying to capitalize on his stunning good lucks and remarkable resemblance to the late Joshua Jackson by walking around Comic-con posing as Pacey.

You're not fooling anybody, fucktick. Joshua Jackson wouldn't be caught dead (no pun or disrespect intended) at Comic-con -- Josh didn't hang out with nerds. He was way too cool for that. Look at this guy and his partially unbuttoned, see-through shirt, and fey little wave. Joshua wasn't gay. He was a real man, who rocked a whole lot more chest hair than the sprigs this human facsimile is sporting. Do you research, impostor -- no one is falling for your bullshit, least of all the real fans of Joshua Jackson.

Beauty Secret: (Noun) A woman's personal beauty regimen, kept under a shroud of mystery, which she attributes to her feminine prowess.

Kim Kardashian and her sister, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian pay homage to the secret to their success at the 40th Birthday Party for the almighty Big Mac. What, you thought people were just born with asses like Kim Kardashian's?

Effed Up (Adjective) Typically used in reference to being physically, mentally, morally/ aesthetically, performance-wise, or even theoretically damaged in some way. It, in and of itself has many gradient levels, such as 'slightly effed up', or 'extremely effed up', but all versions have to do with describing the level of damage.

In an effort to propel her comeback from drugged-out, crazy-lady sex fiend, Britney Spears has allegedly signed on to take a lead role in the film The Knoxville Carjacking Party, her apparent foray into snuff porn. My problem isn't so much with the frequent and intense sex scenes that the movie would entail, but with the idea of Britney Spears trying to do justice to a movie based on actual, brutal events committed upon an actual person, Channon Gail Christian, who was gang-raped, both vaginally, anally, and orally, wrapped in trash bags, and left in a trash can, where she suffocated to death.

There's no denying the heinousness of the crime, but by casting Britney Spears (and DMX, so rumors have it), the filmmakers aren't trying to make a respectful movie about an atrocious crime, they're trying to capitalize on it, trying to appeal to a certain demographic who would love nothing more than to see Britney Spears engage, onscreen, in sadomasochistic sex with a cadre of men. It'd be one thing if she were an actual actress with a modicum of acting talent, but she has none of that. This is stunt casting, pure and simple, meant to bring in the pervs and, apparently, right Britney's career. And it's totally effed up. You wanna fix your career, Brit? Play a stripper. Or a druggie. Or even a mentally retarded person (none of which would be too far a stretch). But don't disrespect the dead.

Grade-A Turds: (Noun) Individuals with all the personality and usefulness of an actual log of shit; a real "dud" or "stinker," you could say.

A prestigious awards show host should ideally be someone with a great charisma, charm and a stellar sense of humor. Apparently, in lieu of finding someone with any of those qualities, the 2008 Emmy Awards have decided to settle for sheer quantity; as this year's awards will be hosted by hosts of lesser programs: Ryan Seacrest (of "American Idol," who also hosted last year) Heidi Klum (of "Project Runway"), Howie Mandel ("Deal or No Deal"), Tom Bergeron ("Dancing With the Stars" and "America's Funniest Home Videos") and Jeff Probst ("Survivor").

Man. Someone is having a no-personality TV host party, and nobody thought to invite Carson Daly? That's just wrong. Poor guy is going to be sobbing into a pint of Chubby Hubby for weeks, now in addition to just on Friday nights while watching "Ghost Whisperer."

Photos of Heidi Klum, because no one wants to look at Howie Mandel or Tom Bergeron:

Ugly Stick (Noun) A stick that has the magical property of turning anyone touched with it, ugly. A beating from the ugly stick will have a much more severe effect than just a casual touch. Ugly sticks come from Ugly Trees, which can be found clumped together in ugly forests.

Well, I suppose we can guess at why Madonna and Guy Ritchie are having marital difficulties. He beat the hell out of her with an ugly stick. Domestic abuse is not cool, Guy. And neither is Madonna's new look: Nouveau Hideous. Holy Jim Beam.

Mature: (Adjective) To have reached an advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

During a visit the Comic Con late last week to support her upcoming film, Repo! The Genetic Opera, (already touted by me as potentially the worst film in history) Paris Hilton told People magazine that she finally "feels like a grown-up now."

"I think my whole life I was kind of living as a teenager and not really taking responsibility," Hilton told PEOPLE. "Now I realize that I'm an adult and I'm running a huge company and I'm in love. I'm in a great relationship. I have my family. I'm just excited for life."

Being an adult means a lot of different things to a lot of people. To some, it means holding down their first real, good paying job. To others, it means fulfilling the dream or finally owning their own home or becoming a parent. To Paris Hilton, it means to stop being such a whore. Fair enough. As long as she doesn't use this newfound adulthood as an excuse to start reproducing, she can call herself President Grownup for all I care.

Neil Patrick Harris is an adorable fairy. (Seriously? OMG!)

Whoa. Meg Ryan really does have superpowers! She can go from skinny to fat to skinny like a speeding bullet! (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse smokes funny looking cigarettes. (Celebslam)

Ethan Hawke refreshingly does not hide his newborn daughter so he can sell pictures of her to a tabloid magazine, therefore I will not make fun of this baby. (Celebitchy)

Siegfried and Roy are the proud parents of two new baby tigers: "Stripey" and "I'll Finish the Job-ey." (Ayyyy!)

Rose McGowan doesn't see the point of Comic-Con if you can't fulfill hundreds of nerd fantasies. (The Blemish)

Since Amy Winehouse is terrifying to most creatures, this makes sense. (Agent Bedhead)

In the epic battle of Shanna Moakler v. Kim Kardashian, there are no winners or losers because they're both still whores. (IDLYITW)

Dustin is working on getting the review of Step Brothers up... (Psychic Spoiler Alert: It Blows!) (Pajiba) So in the meantime, check out some awesome T-shirts. (Pajiba)

Elmo plots to kill Mariah Carey. If he can't have her, no one can! (BestWeekEver)

Insecurity: (Adjective) A personality trait of someone who lacks self esteem, often lashing out at others in a petty or childish way to boost their own faltering confidence.

I can't believe I'm posting a second item on Miley Cyrus today. This website really must be going to shit, huh? At any rate, I was going to use the word "bitch" for this entry, but I didn't want to tarnish the good name of Webster's is my Bitch by doing so.

But wow: Miley Cyrus is really, just like, a total fucking bitch. I barely know anything about the young Disney up and comers, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, who are the subject of this bratty little spectacle (although I'm sure I'll grow to hate them in time) but seriously? This little chipmunk-faced piece of shit has nothing on them. Maybe Selena and Demi should make their own video of themselves covered in bedsheets crying, "NOOOO! Don't take my PICSHUUUURE!!!" and tongue-kissing a big cardboard cutout of Billy Ray all while maniacally flashing the peace sign. Well, that's what I'd do, anyway -- but of course, I am obviously an expert at dealing with these sort of affairs.

Selena (R) and Demi (L) -- both of whom are totally cuter than Miley:

Chafing: (Verb) To make a part of the body sore by rubbing against it.

There are certain things in life which I have come to accept. I'm never going to be a millionaire, "Arrested Development" was canceled, and Britney Spears is never going to wear a bra.

But damn girl -- really? Not even a sports bra on the treadmill? My nipples hurt just looking at this. I would undergo hours of water torture or sit through a marathon of "The Hills" before running on a treadmill without a bra. Damn. Britney Spears areolas have got to be as numb as Jenna Jameson's vagina by now.

Geek (Noun) A person involved in methods of escapism involving, in general, computers, sci-fi, anime, comic-books, horror films, video games, etc. More often they possess a better than average intelligence, but it's not a prerequisite to being a geek. Socially adept, given the proper context.

Comic-con officially kicked off in San Diego last night, and the geeks are out in full force, donning their favorite costumes, speaking in geek tongues, and geeking out in general. We found these photos of what we can only assume is a new character in the Marvel Comics Universe: Botox Barbie, who defeats her enemies by deadening the nerves in their fa ...

What's that? These aren't pictures from Comic-con. Wait?! What? That's who?! No, it's not. Shut-up! No way! What happened to her face? Are you sure? But I thought celebrities got plastic surgery to look younger?

  

Slow News Day: (Phrase) A day in which nothing especially newsworthy happens, so newspapers and other publications are forced to pull out all the stops by either making up news or reporting on the stupid and mundane.

To answer your question US Weekly, I don't have any kids, but occasionally I myself will partake in popsicles for dinner. Editor's note: Consuming an entire box of Sugar-Free Fudgesicles® for dinner may cause severe diarrhea.

Tool: (Noun) A socially inept asshole who tries way too hard.

New York Magazine is reporting that Dustin Diamond Screech is writing a tell-all book about his years working on the "Saved By the Bell" franchise, aptly named Behind the Bell. The book will feature stories of the throwing under the bus variety, involving his more successful cast mates (re: all of them) including "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying." Veteran ghostwriter Alan Goldsher is said to be helping pen the memoirs.

Ugh. Can you even imagine how bad it would suck to be Screech's ghostwriter? To be captive audience and paid to listen to all of his assy stories? And then you know he'd probably think that he actually made a friend, so he'd be calling all the time to go grab a beer or play video games or whatever. No fucking thanks. I tried to think of a worse celebrity-related job, but even Paris Hilton's gynecologist, Kayne West's bottle warmer or Heather Mills' publicist didn't come close.

Mario Lopez, who also sucks but it much nicer to look at than Screech:

Tree Molester (Noun) A person who seems to believe that trees have sex appeal. Often mistaken for a tree hugger, the Tree Molester is a dying breed. Hunters, be cautious not to shoot these rare perverts. Tree Molesters will sometimes refer to themselves as "forest fairies." Please ignore their insanity, it is caused by toxins in the water from which they drink, and from a poison in a root that they commonly use for human sacrifices to the gods.  In my experience with these creatures, it is best to avoid them at all costs. Capture could result in a painful, fiery death after which your flesh would be feasted upon. They share traits with the cannibal. They are weak against the force of automatic weapons, so if you find yourself in a situation where you must interact make sure you have said weapon nearby. (Source: Urban Dictionary).

Born Free: (Title) 1966 classic easy listening song honoring a famous lioness raised by humans and released into the wild.

Two captivity born 14-week-old American Bald Eagles born were released into the wild yesterday at the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, after having been named by Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray.

The American Eagle Foundation has released more than 90 eagles from Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in East Tennessee since the 1990s. The eagles were named Tennessee (after the Cyrus' home state) and Hope (Miley's given middle name before she had it legally changed this year). (Source)

I have to tell you, I was so moved by this majestic act of heroism that it inspired me to put together a fitting tribute of my own. So I decided to name two stinkbugs I found in my house Miley and Billy Ray, and then I flushed them down the toilet. It's the only thing you can really do with stinkbugs, you know. Because if you stomp on them they just get their stank everywhere and it's really gross. Even the dogs hate it.

Miley Cyrus on TRL yesterday, sadly instead of getting her eyes pecked out by a couple of confused and irate eagles:

Proof that nightmares really can come true! Brooke Hogan may really be posing for Playboy. (Yeeeah!)

Bai Ling reveals her nipples in public; straight men cover their mouths in horror. (Celebslam)

Anna Kournikova can't play tennis, but that doesn't stop her from taking off her clothes. (The Blemish)

Yeah. It's true. MTV is remaking Rocky Horror for Generation Douchebag. (Seriously? OMG!)

Michelle Williams is now dating Spike Jonze, which -- all things considered -- is kind of cool. (Celebitchy)

Louisiana police use racial epithets? Noooo. (Celebwarship)

LC (Lauren Conrad) is SL (Sloppy Drunk). (imbringingbloggingback)

Matthew Perry! Then and now. (Ayyyy!)

First, read the Top Gun review; then read about the impending sequel. (Pajiba)

Wah: (Exclamation) The noise a stupid crybaby makes.

As is the plight with many of Hollywood's marginally talented young actresses who make mediocre career choices, Megan Fox too carries the weight of the heavy cross of hotness.

She tells MTV UK.com, "I'm not comfortable with it (FHM Sexiest Woman) at all. It annoys me. (Source)

I totally hear where she's coming from. You know what annoys me? When I'm just minding my business at the Target or whatever, wearing what I feel comfortable in, and people are all like leering at me and crap. Like they're never seen lingerie before! Or how about when some uppity "store associate" comes over and tells me I have to "cover myself up." The nerve! Hello?! It's summer. What am I supposed to wear, a parka?

Old photos of Megan Fox in, uh, FHM being totally unfairly objectified:

Lithe (Adjective) Marked by effortless grace.

Eerie: (Adjective) Strange and frightening or unsettling.

Hear me out now. It's not the Dead Daddy Cake that creeps me out, it's the maniacal grinning and giving of the thumbs up. Personally, I think Dead Daddy Cake is a dish best served somber. Of course, I always cry while I'm eating cake, but that has less do to with dead people and more to do with a crippling eating disorder.

Editor's note: Nice shirt, Paris.

Trailer Trash (Adjective) Derogatory description for person who seems well-suited to residential life in a mobile home park.

The UK's Sun -- that unholy bastion of truth -- claims to have a source who knows the scoop behind the "assault" incident between Christian Bale and his family on Sunday night.

The 34-year-old Batman star is reported to have snubbed the plea and allegedly 'pushed and shoved' Sharon and his mother Jenny, 61, during a row in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel on Monday.

A source told The Sun: 'Christian is a very wealthy man and was asked to help his sister out financially.

'He was asked to loan her £100,000 but he refused and it caused an almighty row.'

Jenny Bale is also said to have made highly disparaging comments about the star's glamorous wife of eight years, Sibi, 38, a former make-up artist and model.

So, let's read between the lines here, OK?

So, Jenny was like, "I need some grocery and cigarette money. Just a loan. I'll pay you back. I swear! Can you help a sister out?" And Christian was probably like, "Fuck you. Where were you when I was making movies nobody ever heard of, like Metroland and The Secret Agent." And she was probably, like: "We've always stood behind you, in our hearts!" And then he said, "I earned this money wearing a rubber suit for 12 hours a day. You chose to be a circus clown. I'm not going to pay for your bad decisions." And then Jenny probably said, "Your wife is a whore." And Christian probably got up in her grill and went all apeshit on her, "Do you know who I am? I'm Batman, bitch. I will cut you." 

So, you know, typical trailer-trash bullshit. It reminds me of home. The names and the dollar amounts are different, but it's nothing you wouldn't hear at the Hurricane Lake Mobile Home Park in Bryant, Arkansas.

Here's Christian Bale and that "whore" of a wife at last night's Barcelona premiere of The Dark Knight:

BLINK! This post does not contain a definition; it contains a plea. You'd think Miss Universe would be experienced enough by now with, like, life, that she'd know to blink every once in a while. I feel like she's trying to burn a hole in my soul with her eyes.

Sexy Mama: (Slang) An individual who is smokin' hot.

Mmmmm... Pardon me while I melt into a puddle of quivering jelly. How is even possible for someone to just keep getting so much fucking hotter and hotter as the years go by?

Oh yeah, and you know, Gillian Anderson ain't looking so shabby herself.

Sexy Mofo (Noun) A sexy mutha you know what!

Fuck Mulder! You wanna talk about getting hotter and hotter over the years, let's talk about Luis Guzman. Rawr! Is that rain drops or sweat that's gathered around his gut, because Daddy likey. Daddy wanna give Luis a tongue bath.

Drama Queen (Noun) An overly dramatic person; someone who turns something unimportant into a major fucking deal.

Kelsey Grammar, whose spokesmen revealed seven weeks ago that he suffered from a mild heart-attack while vacationing in Bermuda, told "Entertainment Tonight" that the heart attack wasn't at all mild and that, in fact, it almost killed him. 

"They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he told the news program in an interview to be aired on Thursday evening.

"I did think: 'Oh gosh, I have got to hang on. I've got too much junk I've got to take care of. I've got to take care of the family."'

Grammar, who stars in Swing Vote, alongside Kevin Costner, which opens next month, says that he was suffering from stress, which may have contributed to his near-death experience, after his sitcom, "Back to You," was canceled last year. 

"Obviously you play the hand you're dealt, and it has been a very interesting hand lately; it has been tough," he said. (Source)

Poor Kelsey. It really does have to be tough for the guy. The paltry royalties from two of the most successful (and re-ran) television sitcoms in history he probably has to subsist on. The heart attack was probably because of all the fast-food he was forced to eat because he couldn't afford anything else but the dollar menu at McDs and Ramen Noodles, which he had to eat in Bermuda. With his wife. In a hotel room that costs more per night than most of us make in a year.

Poor bastard. No wonder he had a massive heart attack, so massive in fact that seven weeks later he's shoveling shit and doing press tours for his upcoming movie. You gotta make a living, I suppose.

Wrong: (Adverb) In an unsuitable or undesirable manner or direction.

What. The fuck.

Seriously now. There is so much going on in this picture that disturbs me, I'm almost at a loss. First of all, why are three adolescent boys who are allegedly A) straight, B) virgins and C) brothers draped on each other like it's the cover of a fucking spank mag? I mean, the one on the left is literally in the process of seductively ripping off the shirt of the one in the middle, while the one in the middle is holding onto the tie of the one on the right like it's a leash. Kinky.

Second of all, what are a bunch of Grade A Turds like the Jonas Brothers doing on the cover of Rolling Stone in the first place? I understand that Rolling Stone is hardly the bastion of pop culture relevancy these days, but it's like they've just completely given up at this point. Death row inmates in Texas are less resigned than this.

More of the Jonas Bromos hanging out with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Gah:

Jessica Simpson lets us fill in the blanks with her new album title. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney Spears does a little bonding with her sons the old fashioned way: over the rich, smooth taste of tobacco. (Yeeeah!)

No one is surprised that Matthew Broderick would cheat on Sarah Jessica. (The Blemish)

Oh, STFU Sienna Miller. If you don't want your tits all over the internet, don't go prancing around naked in public. That's advice anyone can follow, by the way, not just celebrities. (Celebitchy)

Pimp Juice (the official beverage of pimps everywhere) makes its way over to Europe. Finally. (Agent Bedhead)

Kim Kardashian moves a rung down the reality TV ladder. Or perhaps up, depending how you look at it. (Celebslam)

As far as Mariah Carey is concerned, the late 90's will live forever. (Socialite'sLife)

Miley Cyrus won't stop her fucking yapping about Vanity Fair. Yuh-awn. (CelebWarship)

Inquiring minds want to know: where's the strangest place you've ever made whoopie? (Pajiba)

Picture of Health: (Phrase) Used to describe someone who embodies overall wellness and good health.

Hey now! It looks like Amy Winehouse finally decided to follow the advice of her doctors, family, managers, fans and pretty much anyone with an opinion; and clean herself up. She looks positively radiant, doesn't she?

Yes?

Well, look again, because that? Is a wax statue. How much of a complete an utter fuck up does someone have to be for an inanimate hunk of wax to look more lively and vivacious than the living, breathing version? Of course, that's not really saying much because a small child could draw a picture of Amy Winehouse in crayon on the back of a Friendly's menu and even that would look better than the real one.

Amy's parent's proudly showing off the daughter they always wanted:

Panties (Noun) Despite what "panties" represent (a woman's underwear), it remains one of the most unpleasant words in the English language to your ear, second only to "moist." And though the idea that Eva Mendes' panties are moist may be appealing, it's generally thought to be the least sexiest thing you could utter aloud.

*Throat Clear*

Moist Panties.

Uncomfortable: (Adjective) Causing or feeling unease or awkwardnes.

Hate running on the treadmill? Well, at 24 Hour Fitness, a fully-suited Derek Jeter will actually skulk around behind you while you're running on the treadmill. Once you've been leered at by Jeter, you'll never look at running on the treadmill the same way ever again!

Warning: Having Derek Jeter skulk around behind you on the treadmill may cause side effects such as anxiety or the heebie-jeebies. 24 Hour Fitness not responsible for any Jeter-related panic attacks or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Emphatic (Adjective) Uttered, or to be uttered, with emphasis; strongly expressive. 

I dunno, folks. Somehow, singing, "I got something to say, I killed your mother today," just doesn't carry the same emphatic weight when you're wearing a plain grey T-shirt (American Eagle?), a slight non-alcoholic beer belly, and plaid fucking shorts.

So sad, isn't it? All our heroes either die or become fathers.

Duuuuude: (Slang) Universal term used commonly by surfers and stoners.

Matthew McConaughey got himself all gussied up with a shirt and everything to debut his McConaughspawn, Levi to the world via OK! Magazine.

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

Well, that would probably explain why Levi looks like he's saying, "Duuuude man, can a brother get a pass on that spliffy?" All in good time, Levi. All in good time. But right now, he's going to have to wait for his lungs to completely form. In the meantime the little fella will just have to settle for a regular old contact high.

Glamourize (Verb) to glorify or romanticize; to make glamourous.

In an effort to continue looking like a respectable magazine (ha!) while also dabbling in issue-selling celebrity gossip, It looks like Newsweek has decided it have its cake and choke on it, too. Instead of discussing the Jamie Lynn Spears' story directly, this week they decided to interview the editor of OK! Magazine about Jamie Lynn Spears, after the recent OK! cover they reportededly paid $1 million to get. In the interview, OK!'s editor even suggests that publishing a photo of a 17-year-old girl with a baby and the pull quote, "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world," didn't glamourize teen pregnancy.

No, no: Not at all. I mean: Getting $1 million to appear on a magazine cover with your baby and not even have to get married? And, no doubt, have your parents and paid employees take care of your baby while you go out and try to make another one? No, no, that's not glamourous at all.

Here's an idea, OK! Magazine: In order to balance the damage you've done here, why not run the story about a Pittsburgh woman, so obsessed with having her own baby, that she sliced open a teenagers belly and took one. The girl's "decomposing body, with her wrists and ankles bound by duct tape and layers of tape and plastic covering much of her head, was found Friday" in an apartment. How's that for glamourization?  

I'm just saying.    

Pity the Fool: (Catchphrase) Mr. T's famous line originating from the film Rocky III.

Uhhh, sure thing there, T. You can pity me all you want -- but last time I checked, I wasn't the one with bandoliers made of Snickers bars strapped to my person.

Side note, what do you think about the viscosity of chocolate in relation to the body temperature of a huge, hulking, sweating man? Mmm... Body fondue.

Another job well done, Snickers marketing department!

The Pajiba 10 is up, folks. The 10 Sexiest Humans Alive. At least in our universe. (Pajiba)

Nooooo! Estelle Getty has passed. Thank you for being a friend. I mean. You know. Not actually my friend. But ... it's part of the song, see .. oh fuck it. Rest in peace. (Celebrity Smack)

God James Blunt. A good friend would tell someone when their top is missing! (Yeeeah!)

Frances Bean interning at Rolling Stone? She's 16! And she's not Cameron Crowe. The mag's really gone downhill. (The Blemish)

Absolut Vodka will turn you into Kayne West? And here I always thought any brand of vodka would turn you into a loudmouthed blowhard. (Celebitchy)

Alfonse Ribeiro in the news for not making the news. (Seriously? OMG!)

If you're a dirt-bike riding preacher who crashes into pews, well, you're doing it wrong. (BWE)

I think once you amass 89 movie credits, you're allowed to be a dick. Right Sean Connery? (Celebslam)

Sanctimonious: (Adjective) Making a show of being morally superior to other people.

"View" co-host Sherri Shepherd, most famous for hits such as "The Earth is Flat" and "Ancient Greeks Persecuted Jesus," has revealed in a candid interview that before she became the dumbest person ever to have a nationally televised forum, she passed the time keeping her local abortion clinics in business.

At the time, the stand-up comic was "in a very physically abusive relationship," she said. "I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions than I would like to count."

She said her self-esteem became so low, "I felt if someone killed me, it wouldn't even make a difference." But after converting to Christianity, she said, "God showed me that it would make a difference." (Source)

Well, you know, she has a point: God has special plans for all his creatures. Of course, his plans for Sherri Shepherd might be just slightly different then from someone who didn't kill more babies then the Bubonic Plague.

Asshatical (Adjective) A word used to describe something' particularly unpleasant, bitter, unnecessarily cruel, or just plain stupid.

Ever wondered what Natalie Portman saw in Devendra Banhart besides supreme toolness? Well, maybe Devendra's latest asshatical music video can answer your questions. Apparently, she likes unfunny Bollywood spoofs starring herself and extremely shitty music performed by her boyfriend. Everything about this video is embarassing. If Natalie was hoping to drive a stake in the heart of her movie career, I couldn't think of a better way to do it.

Seriously now, has science completely ruled out the possibility that these two are actually blood relation? That would explain a fucking lot.

Vomit: (Verb) Eject matter from the stomach through the mouth.

Since we now know politics is out of the fucking question -- Brooke Hogan thinking of setting the bar to a comfortable level for her next career move: Playboy model!

A VH1 insider said: “Playboy has asked her to consider doing the cover, or at least a photo shoot. “Every year the magazine features the girls of the WWE, but this would be Hulk Hogan’s daughter - it would be the ultimate!” (Source)

So are we all in agreement, then? That Hugh Hefner is senile to the point that he's lost his fucking mind? He must be full blown shitting in diapers by now. This issue has the potential to rival only the Mama Cass debacle of '68 in lowest number of copies ever sold. Yep, I hear after that, old Hef never touched LSD again.

Brooke hulking around some poor unsuspecting swimming pool last week:

The Late Shift (Expression) Refers to the political wrangling involved in the late-night talk show wars, originating from a book from the same title about the 1992 late night wars after Johnny Carson retired. 

So, the late shift is heating up again. NBC announced yesterday that Jay Leno's last night on the air will be May 29th, 2009, while Conan O'Brien will take over the "Tonight Show" on June 1st. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will take over for Conan O'Brien in March or April of 2009, though he'll start airing 10 minute episodes online several months ahead of his airdate. Additionally, Leno has already indicated that he won't be retiring, and that either ABC or FOX will get a crack at signing him up for their 11:30 spot. Because FOX stations go off the air at 10 p.m., ABC will likely "win" the services of Leno, which will push Jimmy Kimmel back a half hour, probably result in the cancellation of "Nightline" and set up one helluva shitstorm at the 11:30 time slot between O'Brien, Leno, Letterman, and Colbert, not to mention the "war" between Fallon, Kimmel, and Craig Ferguson, which will likely see Fallon as an early casualty.

And the winner? Probably Jon Stewart. At 11 p.m. he doesn't face any competition from the moves. Plus, O'Brien and Leno will probably split their audience while Letterman rises to the top, ratings-wise, which will set up Jon Stewart perfectly for taking over "The Late Show" in 2018. Not that he's up for it, but I think everyone knows that Stewart will, eventually, take over for Dave, after Dave keels over (he'll never retire, nor should he). It's the natural progression of things -- Stewart is obviously the heir apparent, if not in name, then in spirit.

And, after 12 years of the Empire Strikes Back in the late night wars, with the evil Leno winning the race, good will finally come out on top in the form of Jon Stewart, which was prophecied in 1995, after Jon Stewart's MTV talk show was cancelled.

Friendly Fire: (Noun) Weapon fire coming from one's own side, esp. fire that causes accidental injury or death to one's own forces.

It seems Heidi and Spencer's subconscious yearning to end their pointless existences can't be quelled simply with the irresponsible playing with loaded firearms. So Heidi has announced they'll be taking a trip to Iraq! Hooray!

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star tells Extra in a new interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.” (Source)

Ah, yes. If there's one thing our poor, embattled PTSD-riddled troops are sure to love, it's a couple of stupid spoiled assholes with no discernible talent to speak of, who have come to exploit them to further their own leprosy-like fame agenda. That's exactly the kind of thing U.S. troops welcome with open arms. Oops -- did I say arms? I meant fire. Yep, definitely open fire.

Editor's note: Hand to God, I was just saying to Dustin this weekend that Heidi and Spencer have been quiet for too long, and that they probably had something up their sleeves. Am I good or am I good? I should have a PhD in Heidi and Spencer.

Divorce (Noun) from the Latin, meaning to rip a man's genitals out through his wallet.

Here's some random Ben Folds gossip because, you know, WIMB is the only celebrity blog in America that specializes in a vaguely obscure pop artist who has sold about as many albums in his career as, say, Miley Cyrus sold last week. 

Anyway, nobody loves Mr. Folds as much as I, and I certainly don't know the details behind his divorce, but it must have been Heather Mills' messy, and his wife must have been one giant nagging, suffocating bitch. Or, at least that's the impression Ben Folds gives, indirectly of course, as he talks about his upcoming album, Way to Normal:

The songs are not topical," Folds says. "I was not interested in making a record about the D-word. I got all that stuff out of my system on the last record [2005's pensive Songs for Silverman], which was deliberately stoic. This new album is really about me being free, which is why it feels cathartic and expressive. It's about me coming back to being myself." (Hence the title.) "I came out of the courthouse, kissed the ground, and walked straight into the studio. I felt like a bottle of champagne that had been shaken for 18 months and popped open in the studio. That's why this record has so much energy." (Source)

I'm stoked as hell to get another high-energy, goofy piano pop album from Ben Folds, and the image that that quote conjures up -- Steve Martin doing his freedom dance in L.A. Story after he found out his girlfriend was sleeping with his agent -- is priceless. But this much specificity about his love life is unusual for Ben, and that -- along with the impression he gives of his ex-wife Frally, suggests to me that she got more than half, she got the fucking piano.

It's OK, though. His new wife is prettier anyway. And her name is Fleur, so if he accidentally says Frally's name, he could probably get away with it if he mumbles enough. 

Bastard: (Noun) An unpleasant or despicable person.

Because for some reason Hallmark doesn't come in "I'm sorry about all that topless cavorting with Sienna Miller," actor, oil heir, and asshole supreme Balthazar Getty has released a statement-pology that he and his wife of eight years and mother to his four children, Rosetta, have separated.

"The breakdown of a marriage is a very difficult and painful experience especially when children are involved," Getty wrote. "In light of the fact that many pictures have surfaced in print and on the Internet which has caused myself and my family great embarrassment, I felt it necessary to at least acknowledge publicly that yes indeed my wife and I have separated and I will not be commenting any further." (Source)

Luckily for Getty, any "pain" or "embarrassment" he may have experienced was likely quickly alleviated by the incredible healing powers of Sienna Miller's hooters. And luckily for Rosetta, her scumbag, filthy lout of a husband was an oil heir and I'm pretty sure that photographic evidence of the incredible healing powers of Sienna Miller's hooters is enough to bitchsmack even the most iron-clad prenup. It's a win-win situation for everyone! Except for Sienna Miller, who is still just a homewrecking skank with magic tits.

Uhhh, yeah. So these are mildly NSFW:

Domestic Violence (Noun) A violent confrontation between family or household members involving physical harm, sexual assault, or fear of physical harm.

I got no joke for this one, folks:

Batman star Christian Bale was to be questioned by police over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of his film, The Dark Knight, British media reported Tuesday.

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.

Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday. (Source)

Oh, please please please don't let this be true. Oh please oh please oh please! This guy is way too cool to be that guy. And if it is true, if it has to be true, at least let it be because of some sort of method acting mishap. That his Dark Knight personae inadvertently slipped into his real life, somehow.

Oh, jeez. This is not good. It's really not good. 

Update: He's been arrested and he's in custody.

Jessica Simpson may or may not be leaking a sex tape. So then we can all see if she's as bad at fucking as she is at everything else in life. (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of failures, Kevin Federline can now check "Broadway Star" off his list of potential careers. (Celebitchy)

Spitzer's Whore gets photographed at the Jersey Shore. They have paparazzi at the Jersey Shore? (The Blemish)

Guess which hot young feathery-haired TV hunk got busted for DUI?* (Celebslam)

Blakey Blake gets 27 months in the slammer, and Amy couldn't be bothered to show up for his sentencing. I smell a bender coming on! (Seriously? OMG!)

Anna Kournikova emerges from obscurity; still has huge bazooms. (Popoholic)

Surely Britney Spears wouldn't wear a jizz-stained dress to a charity event. Except, oh right, it's Britney Spears. (IBBB)

Kendra Wilkinson is still annoying even when you can't hear her laugh. (HQ Celebrity)

The Dark Knight fucking murdered at the box office. (Pajiba)

*Editor's note: Psssssyyyyyccccchhhe!

Suck: (Verb) To be very bad, disagreeable, or disgusting.

Welp, it's official: everyone hates Jessica Simpson! Poor Jessica stuffed those meaty gams of hers into a pair of cowboy boots to make her country music debut at the annual Country Thunder USA concert this weekend, and the crowd reaction was, how shall we say, unfavorable? Yeah, she got booed.

One concertgoer told the local paper: "I'll have to drink a lot of beer to sit through her concert." Added another: "She's an embarrassment to country music." (Source)

Where is there left for her to go from here? Failed pop music career, failed movie career, failed reality TV marriage. You can't sink much lower than pandering to the demo whose favorite pastimes are watching cars drive around in a circle really fast and watching cars drive on top of other cars. Although from what I understand, they'll listen to just about any old crap in Germany, so that's always an option. I actually heard David Hasslehoff had subliminal messages programmed into his music which was only audible to German ears. Kind of like dog whistles, only for really shitty pop music.

At least she still has Tony Romo, right? Here is the happy couple, posed with Jessica's dog -- a rare breed of Emasculationshire Terrier -- at Country Thunder:

Stoned (Adjective) A state of mind which occurs after smoking enough marijuana to the point where the user stares blankly into whatever catches his/her attention.

Big news out of the Television Critic's Association Press Tour: Sarah Jessica Parker's reality show has landed over on Bravo! "American Artist" will be about aspiring artists who compete to produce various types of art. The winner, judged by a panel of art experts, will receive a cash prize and have his or her work featured in a gallery.

Wow! How's that for an idea? Watching people paint? Literally watching paint dry? This show is gonna be huge! I've had this huge gaping hole in my television schedule ever since "The Joy of Painting" went off the air and Bob Ross passed away (R.I.P.) Ah, how I loved that soothing voice, the slow strokes, and the happy little trees, the happy little trees. Jesus God, will somebody please pass around the joint already? Did you guys skip me this time? What the fuck? Don't bogart that doobie, Holmes. And who ate all the Swedish meatballs? Where's the civility brother? I'm trying to ... woooaaah. Look at the muscles on that dude.

Sellout: (Noun) the selling of an entire stock of something.

In "Hell Has Surely Frozen Over" news, Lindsay Lohan's new line of leggings have sold out in just a week and there's already a waiting list for those clamoring to own a pair. And what, pray tell is all this fuss about?

Lohan and design partner Kristi Kaylor's 6126 collection (an homage to Marilyn Monroe's birthday) features four styles of cilngy legwear, including one with built-in kneepads—cheekily called Mr. President—in case your next '80s night turns especially raucous. (Source)

Yeah. No offense Linds, but when I think of leggings requiring built-in kneepads, I don't think of Marilyn Monroe. Just because you're "gay" now, it doesn't cancel out all the long nights of praying to the almighty altar of dick. That's like Kirstie Alley naming a new line of peanut butter and bacon flavored meal replacement shakes after Elvis Presley. Nice try, lardass -- I suppose you're also going to tell us Elvis was the one who invented coating laxatives in Crisco to make them go down smoother? Oh really? That was Elvis? Nevermind, then.

More of Lindsay and her family and her creepy pet gargoyle at a Sephora event last week:

Outgayed (Verb) A masterful move in which the outgayer become far more gay than the previous title holder. 

Ah, dude: Ouch. T.R. Knight was totally outgayed by a straight man over the weekend at the 14th Annual Outfest Film Festival. Game, set, and match! Well played, Robin Williams.

Sugar Step Daddy (Noun) A step-dad who is way cooler than your real Dad because he seeks constant approval and therefore acquiesces easily to a child's demands.

Ava: Daaaad. Can we go to the zoo, pleeeeaaaase?
Ryan: No, sweetie. We're having lunch with Abbie today at The Ivy.
Ava: But, Daaaad. I don't want to go to the Ivy. Their food sucks. They don't have hot dogs! I want a hot dog!
Ryan: Come on, Ava. Don't be like this. Abbie is really excited about seeing you today.
Ava: Why do we always have to hang out with Abbie? She's awful. She never wants to play, and she's a bad actress!
Ryan: Ava. Be nice. Don't get fresh with me.
Ava: But I want to go to the zoo, Daddy!
Ryan: I said, 'No.' And that's what I meant.
Ava: But ...
Ryan: ... no buts.
Ava: Hmph. Jake would take me to the zoo.
Ryan: ...

Inappropriate: (Adjective) Not suitable or proper for a particular occasion.

The big news while I was away last week was that Britney Spears gave up custody of her kids. But it wasn't enough to stop her from showing up looking fab-u-lous at an autism fundraiser held by Jenny McCarthy this weekend -- which will probably be an important cause for her once she finally manages to procreate with a paparazzi with the IQ of a bowl of M&Ms. What really struck me was Us Magazine's coverage of the event:

(Source)

Wish In One Hand, Sh*t in the Other. See Which One Fills First. (Expression) When a person wants the impossible.

Despite all the staged photographic evidence to the contrary, Now Magazine -- which is, like, The Wall Street Journal of gossip rags -- is reporting that things aren't exactly peachy fucking keen in the magical fairy love land of Nick and Mariah.

Nick, 27, is said to be sick and tired of his 38-year-old wife’s diva demands. ‘Things are really bad between them,’ one insider says. ‘The honeymoon period was over before it began. 'Nick’s been surprised at just how demanding his wife is. He moans that she has him waiting on her hand and foot. He’s realised that he doesn’t really like her very much.’

The couple wed on 30 April after dating for just 5 weeks, but even Nick’s friends predicted the marriage wouldn’t last 6 months. 'She treats him like an assistant,' a friend of Mariah's says. 'Not like an equal or her husband.' (Source)

Well, it is nice to see that Nick has joined the rest of the world in realizing that he doesn't like Mariah very much. But if he's wishing for a divorce, he can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills first. Not only would divorce be career suicide for Nick -- whose resume essentially includes Drumline, Roll Bounce, Married Mariah Carey -- but that crazy lady ain't gonna leave him out of her sight long enough to allow him to find a lawyer and file for divorce. "Til Death Do You Part" doesn't mean three fucking months -- it means until you die of exhaustion, after you've rubbed the corns off her feet, taken out the trash, mowed the lawn, gone down on your woman, and built a motherfucking birdhouse for her soul.

Take the easy way out, son. Next time she asks you if she looks fat in a dress, just nod your head yes and pick up your head somewhere in the middle of next week.

Amazing: (Adjective) Startlingly impressive or astonishing.

Hey bitches, guess who's back! And not a moment too soon, it appears, as the crushing demands of juggling a gossip blog while retaining a semblance of sanity almost sent our poor Dustin over the edge. Anyway, while I was perfecting my tan this past weekend, Tori Spelling was blabbedly blabbing about the new "90210" again, like it's not going to get canceled after two episodes (tops) or anything. Dumbass.

News that Doherty has joined the new 90210 cast, “is amazing,” says Spelling, who also plans on appearing on the CW spin-off. “That’s probably the best news the fans could ever get,” she told PEOPLE at Saturday’s Much Love Animal Rescue’s Bow Wow Wow event.

That's funny. Because I thought the best news a fervent "90210" fan in 2008 could get was that scrunchies were coming back in style, or that they started making jeans with those elastic cut-outs all up and down the leg again. Or perhaps even that science invented a pill that would make everything you ate taste like Rocky Road Ice Cream. But yeah, after those things, Shannen Doherty's triumphant comeback would probably be at least fourth.

Tori at that Bow Wow Wow thing with her husband, Douchebag Malloy. Editor's note: he would be the one wearing purple sunglasses. Oh yeah. It's good to be back!

The meltdown continues. It's the end of a long day at the end of a long week. And I just don't give a shit anymore. Here's your links to people who do.

Say what you want about Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer will never do better. He should quit trying. Just as I should quit trying to write for a gossip blog. (Yeeeah!)

Maxim magazine tries to make amends with Sarah Jessica Parker. Again, I ask: Why the fuck does SJP care about Maxim? And why does Maxim give a fuck about SJP? This should be a mutual don't give a shit relationship. (Celebitchy)

West-Coast Dan is on Batman this week, so the review of The Dark Knight won't be up until later today, so just keep clicking on this link until it does arrive, asshole. (Pajiba)

The rest of the world is finally coming around to what we've felt about Lauren Conrad all along: Not giving a shit. (Celeb Warship)

Here's something actually worth watching: A music video for the upcoming season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Brush your teeth with this, needledicks. (Seriously? OMG!)

Here's some gossip about J. Lo. Choke on it. (The Blemish)

And here's an item about Lindsay Lohan and Samanthan Ronson's relationship dynamic. Die. (BWE)

Here's a cute picture of Keri Russell with her kid posted by those rape-joking hypocrites over at Jezebel. (Jezebel)

You like WWTDD? You're a mysogynist pig. Kill yourself now. (WWTDD)

What about The Bastardly? Tear your face off and bleed to death, anal crack. (Bastardly)

Have a great weekend! In hell.

Nitwit (Noun) A stupid person, an idiot, a fool.

Oh, bummer: A rep for Salma Hayek and her French billionaire fiance/father of her child, Francois-Henri Pinault,has confirmed the couple of two years have called off their engagement.

Word of advice, ladies. If you want to marry a superficial, French billionaire nitwit who dumps your ass at the first sign of stretch marks and pregnancy-related diabetes, seal the deal before you get knccked up. I'm not a math guy, but I'm pretty sure that half of a billion dollars is more money than you can spend in your lifetime, which means Salma, Jr., could've went to one helluva nice day care. One of those swanky places where you don't have to share crayons with poor kids. Or touch them.

Epidermis (Noun) The outer protective, nonvascular layer of the skin.

Ah, great. Hayden Panettiere, proving once again that in the world of music, if you can't sing, strip. Talent is conversely proportional to the amount of clothes you're wearing. In Hayden's case, she's probably going to need to peel off her epidermis just to reach gold album status.

 

Al Bundy (Phrase) The comforting feeling of sticking and resting your hand under the waist band of your pants while relaxing, originated with "Married with Children" character popularized by Ed O'Neil.

Me and you, Mischa. We're like two peas in a pod. One in the same. Like you, after I have a big meal of flowers I like to sit back, relax, and unfasten my jeans. Ahhh. Just need a beer to complete the day, huh?

Crazy Bitch (Noun) A woman who, after a break up, slashes the tires on your car, burns your clothes, and tries to get you fired from your job then calls you the next day wanting to reconcile.

Oh, come the fuck on. Britney Spears' news? On a Friday? Jesus Christ, you just couldn't let me out of this goddamn week without foisting that crazy bitch on me, huh? The Gossip Gods are assholes, every last one of them. They also look like a Ryan Seacrest and Marc Malkin double-backed monsters and I have a mind to send Joel McHale and Zeus over to the Gossip God cloud and Winehouse their goddamn faces.

Moving on: Britney Spears -- in a moment of divine lucidity -- has apparently agreed to terms with Kevin Federline over the custody of their two children, the terms being that Federline gets full physical and legal custody, while Britney gets visitiation rights, so long as its done in a padded cell while that crazy bitch is strapped down to a gurnee with a ball-gag in her mouth (those were the actual words in the settlement agreement, I believe).

K-Fed and his entourage of Funions has credited the deal to the influence of Britney's father, who is now her co-conservator. At the end of the month, a judge will decide if Jamie Spears should be her full-time co-conservator. In other words, whether that crazy bitch should have someone hold her hand for the rest of her life. And, according to F-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan:

"While I can't tell you the terms, the order does anticipate what happens if the conservatorship is ended," Kaplan told E! News. "The devil is always in the details." (Source)

The devil also lives inside of Britney's mind, and it's only a matter of time before Satan builds a tolerance to tranquilizers and compels Britney to eat her children. With some Cheetos and a nice Chianti.  

Meltdown (Noun) Describes what happens when a person freaks out, cracks, loses control of themselves. Life -- reality at large -- becomes overwhelming. They just can't deal with it all. The person may act out, withdraw, become emotional, run.

Moving on to my fourth day without my writing partner, I can safely say that I now hate celebrity gossip. I feel like Paris Hilton on her 23rd dong of the night -- I just can't swallow anymore. I need to fucking spit.

All of which brings me to Victor Garber, who equivocated last night on the issue of Jennifer Garner's pregnancy. In response to whether Garner was expecting another child, Garber said, "Yes she is." But then he backtracked:

"I haven't confirmed that at all, no," Garber said tonight at an ABC event. "I know they want to have another child and hopefully that's true, but I don't know that."

"No, I know that they are hoping to be," the Eli Stone star added. "I just don't know that it's for sure. It's a very...personal thing." (Source)

Here's my question -- and pardon me if I'm trampling on your goddamn need for celebrity minutia -- but who the fuck cares what Victor Garber has to say about the contents of Jennifer Garner's womb? What the fuck does he know? He played her Dad on a television show. One that ended it's run a couple of years ago. I hate to burst your fucking bubble, people -- but he's not her real father.

But more than that, who the fuck cares if she's pregnant? You know, there's a tradition in which you wait three months before you announce your pregnancy -- you don't even tell your close friends and family, just in case something goes wrong and then you have to live with miscarraige sympathy (see, Lily Allen). Nobody wants to go through that, especially someone who is already in the public eye every goddamn day of their lives.

So, let's let it go. Baby bump? Bloating? Weight gain? A trapped fart? Doesn't matter. It does not fucking matter. For now, let's just allow our minds to believe that an alien life force is brewing beer in her tummy. Or mixing a screw-driver for the early-morning commute.

Please come back later today, as I continue by Network style meltdown!

After months of relative quiet, Paris Hilton returns to form. (Celebslam)

Sam Ronson's brother thinks that Sam and Lindsay make a cute couple. Awwwww. (Celebitchy)

Even more respect for Josh Brolin -- he not only got in a bar brawl, he was tasered! Hero. (Yeeeah!)

Claire Dane! Shut your damn legs! (The Blemish)

Zac Effron on the beach with Vanessa Hudgens. Hold back your excitement and your vomit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Keanu Reeves as The Plastic Man? That's the word. Plus, the teaser trailer for T4. (Pajiba)

Here's a sneak peek of Pam Anderson's new reality show. (Celebrity Smack)

Catch up on Steve Guttenber's life! Then wish that you hadn't. (Galley Slaves)

Sarah Silverman dumps Jimmy Kimmel and gets nominated for an Emmy in the same week. (Evil Beet)

Olfactory Fatigue (Noun) Olfactory fatigue or adaptation is the temporary, normal inability to distinguish a particular odor after a prolonged exposure to that airborne compound.

The buzz on Justin "The Mac Guy" Long today is that he may have actually dumped Drew Barrymore for Kirsten Dunst or, at the very least, he was seen hanging out with Kirsten, holding hands in public.

And that's what's great about olfactory fatigue -- when you move from one smelly hippy to another, you hardly even notice the stink!

Geeky Hot (Adjective) Someone who is absolutely geeky, but is also somehow attractive. It could be their glasses, their attempt at wearing their hair in gelled spikes, or their fashion sense--or lack thereof.

Mandy Moore -- you just climbed three more notches on the geeky-hot scale. If you start carrying around comic books, you'd best watch yourself on subways.  

Cleans Up Well (Expression) Refers to people who look considerably better in more formal attire than they do in casual wear. 

Look: There's no doubt that Pierce Brosnan is an attractive man. And even in beachwear, he's dashing. But have you ever seen a guy that cleans up better? Here's a guy who belongs in a suit and nobody since Tom Selleck circa 1984 has pulled off the open collar as well as Brosnan. To see him out of it is somehow jarring.

Here's some more Brosnan at the Mamma Mia premiere, where he's appropriately dapper:

 

 

Atrocious (Adjective) exceptionally bad or displeasing;shockingly brutal or cruel; provoking horror. 

I just listened to Hayden Panettiere's new single, "Wake Up Call" (above), and it is atrocious -- another shitty manufactured pop song featuring vocals that have been processed to the point of obscenity.

But that's not my major problem with the video. Let me see if I can express this appropriately: I don't particularly understand the attraction toward Hayden. To me, she looks like a little blond troll with stubby elfin fingers, and ... well, little people give me the willies. But what Hayden seems to misunderstand is that her appeal lies within her nubile appearance. Men -- mostly closet pedophiles -- like Hayden's Lolita appeal. Cheerleading outfits, Catholic school uniforms, and lollipops are what work best for Hayden.

In the video, however, she's trying out some big girl moves -- seductive winks, hair flips, self-caressing, camera winks, and pulling her pants up over her thong. Certain, mostly sultry types, can pull this off: Eva Mendes, for example. But Hayden just looks ridiculous, like a grade-schooler trying to emulate Mommy. It's creepy. And does little else but to remind folks that she's barely fucking 18 years old, and really ought to be awkwardly dancing at her senior prom and not rubbing her thighs and heaving her bosum in front of a room of men filming it for mass consumption.

It's a slow news day, and by "news," I mean fairly insignificant details involving the lives of celebrities. And since Stacey isn't around to make those insignificant details amusing, I dug deep into the blind recesses of my mind and decided to sniff the career trail of one Andrea Elson, better known to most as Lynn Tanner on the 80s television sitcom, "Alf." 

For four years in the late 80s, Andrea Elson played second-fiddle to Alyssa Milano in the masturbation fantasies of teenage boys. Andrea was absolutely smoking, in that girl-next-door with huge fucking hair sort of way. She was television's female counterpoint to Kirk Cameron (and ironically, they look similar). So, where is she now?

She completely disappeared. The last known photograph of her is shown above. She married a production assistant on "Alf," had a child, and then, the best I can surmise, she moved to suburbia, put her daughter in public school, and probably works for some charity organization while living off the paltry "Alf" royalties, which is plenty enough for her and her small family, who go out to Applebees once a month and otherwise like to stay in, pop some popcorn, and watch old movies curled up on the couch.

But every once in a while, a neighbor or someone at the supermarket will recognize her,  which will ever so slightly stoke the acting embers in her soul. She'll go home and contemplate a return to Hollywood for a few hours, then forget about it when "Dancing with the Stars" comes on, as she puts her head on her husband's shoulder and thanks her good Lord for what she's been lucky enough to have.

Be well, Andrea. Wherever you are. 

Chopped Liver (Noun) Someone perceived as being of little value or worth, as evidenced by being ignored when others are getting attention. Usually used as a semi-rhetorical question.

Listen: I haven't actually seen The Dark Knight yet (tomorrow), nor am I assigned to review it over on Pajiba. But, while I imagine that Heath Ledger's The Joker is everything everyone says it is -- the best performance in a movie of all time, ever, until the end of time -- and that he deserves all the posthumous praise we can heap upon the man's grave (R.I.P. Heath!), can I just say this: Christian Bale ain't exactly chopped liver, people. Bale is top five one of the best actors of this generation, and along with Nolan, he resurrected the Batman franchise. He'll go down as the best Batman ever, and given the limitations of his character and that suit, I suspect that Bale warrants, natch, deserves some mad fucking props.

So, go see The Dark Knight this weekend. Fawn all over Heath Ledger, rave about the man's performance and what a shame it is that he died so young, but don't forget about Bale, y'all. He's the reason there's even a sequel to Nolan's reboot in the first place.

And see, even the Joker gives it up for The Bat Man.

 

The Emmy noms are up over on Pajiba. Get her while she's hot ... er, them while they're hot. 

Freak (Noun) A person who likes to do kinky shit in bed.

I've been hard on Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon for a few months now because those assholes don't make sex tapes, don't cheat, don't drink to excess in public, and don't murder people, which makes my job a lot more difficult. But, that may be coming to an end, as it looks like Reese Witherspoon is a goddam shrew, which Jake learned when he moved in with her last month:

Reese believes in wide-open communication, and she discussed at length with him what is best for her household,’ says a source.

‘Some of the things she insists on are run-of-the-mill. He has to take off his shoes when he's in the house, trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full, and no feet on the coffee table.’

But Jake, 27, is said to be happy with the rules because he loves Reese, 32, so much.

‘Jake used to swear like a sailor, but not anymore,’ the source tells Star magazine. ‘If he does, he has to apologise.

'Jake would much rather stay at home, make popcorn and watch a movie than step foot in a club.(Source)

So, by "wide-open communication," I suppose what's meant is: Reese talks and that little bitch listens. I wonder if she keeps his testicles in a jar or in a locked drawer? And if she's gonna be all Tracey Flick in the home, I hope to God for Jake's sake that she's Tracey Flick in the bed, too, cause those Type A, controlling types are fuh-reaks in the bed.

If Stacey were here this week, WIMB would not only be infinitely more amusing, but she'd probably make fun of Jessica Alba's new baby. This, however, is nearly as good. (Yeeeah!)

Katie Holmes has decided that, instead of going into hiding, she'd do one better: Guest star on "Eli Stone," guaranteeing no one will know where she's at. (Seriously? OMG!)

If Katie Holmes really didn't want anyone to find her, she's become a soccer star. (Celebslam)

In related news, is Suri Cruise too old to be drinking from the bottle? (BWE)

Hayden Panietieasfoiphasfas (sp?) has decided to embark on a singing career. (The Blemish)

News you can use: Megan Fox reportedly interested in doing an entire film in the buff, while Amy Poehler is eying "The Office" spinoff. (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag lunches with John McCain's daughter, exchanges monosyllables. (Celebitchy)

Child star going to jail. Guess which one? (Celebwarship)

Claudia Schiffer keeps her clothes on. Enticing, isn't it? (Usemycomputer)

And finally, Miley Cyrus has the good sense to wear something underneath when she pulls up her dress. (Ninja Dude)

Arrested (Noun) The act of detaining in legal custody.

Andy Dick was arrested early this morning outside of L.A. at a Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar. Extremely intoxicated, he apparently approached a 17-year-old girl outside the restaurant and pulled down her top and bra. That's what Andy Dick does, after all. It's all about as surprising as finding out a former-child star has a drug problem, though I do admit the evil mug shot has some entertainment value.

But the arrest that is shocking, at least to me, was that Steven Page -- guitarist and singer for the band Barenaked Ladies -- was arrested for possession of cocaine in upstate New York (where the only thing to do, really, is cocaine). Police apparently found Page and a 25-year-old female companion sitting on a kitchen floor (blazed out of their head, no doubt) staring at a white capsule, which tests revealed was cocaine.

Really? The guy from The Barenaked Ladies? They're such a chill, amiable group (with a helluva knack for melody). You know, they have this great song on a kid's album called "I Met a Bear," about a talking bear who chases the songwriter up a tree. I'm starting to think that it was all in his drug-addled mind. There's no such thing as a talking bear!

Obviousm (Disease) A disease that's main and only symptom is the stating of the obvious, which is already known to everyone.

You have fun with this one, folks. I considered making a stab at a joke, but it was all so obvious as to be rendered dull. Also, kind of mean. I'll leave the nastiness up to yourselves today.

It's time, boys and girls, for another edition of WIMB's quiz sensation, Name That Ass, the game that's sweeping the nation by storm. Let's get started!

This pair of shapely buttocks belongs to a woman whose friends used to call her Olívia Palito, which is Portugese for Olive Oyl. This ass also belongs to a woman currently dating one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the National Football League.*

Name that ass! Here's a few more clues to help you out (and the answer, is after the cut).











*(This is not actually true, but the author wishes it were.)

Equine Dentistry (Profession) The science concerned with the diagnosis, prevention, and treatment of diseases of a horse's teeth, gums, and related structures of the mouth and including the repair or replacement of defective teeth.

You ever wonder if Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus go to the same equine dentist? It's not just the veneers, it's the whitener. It looks like the two of them go through the same process I go through to remove grime and mildew through from vinyl siding: Pressure washing at 3,000 pounds of water per square inch (PSI). 

Dayum (Interjection) Slang used for the word damn. Often used when you see a fine piece of ass. 

Helen Mirren's vitals: 36 bust. 25 waist. 36 hips.

Age: 63.

Dayum!

 










(Via The Daily Mail) 

Jewfro (Noun) The coolest hairdo in the world, an orgasm-inducing hairstyle worn by people of Jewish descent. It consists of curly hair and is often large.

Bitch, Please (Expression) A phrase originally used by pimps in the 70s to express disbelief towards one with the audacity to try your ass. Also said to stupid people who dare try you.

Bitch, please: Real has-beens eat meat. Now, bring back the "I'd rather go naked" campaign and give us Javier Bardem and Penelople Cruz in the throes of double-backing and this, new PETA slogan: "I"d rather be fucking."

Intelligence (Noun) An umbrella term used to describe a property of the mind that encompasses many related abilities, such as the capacities to reason, to plan, to solve problems, to think abstractly, to comprehend ideas, to use language, and to learn.

I've never really liked the music of Tori Amos, but I've always sort of appreciated that it was there. More than that, I had a little respect for the woman, who -- along with Ani DiFranco -- were the feminist icons of my college years. But I've lost complete respect for the woman, after she gave an interview with Out Magazine boasting about the intelligence of Perez Hilton.

I think he’s funny, but more than that, he’s very smart. He’s scary smart. And that’s why this is occurring -- because he’s extremely intelligent ... Sometimes people forget that when they talk about the panache -- that sometimes really distracts, intentionally, and masks you from the mastermind. But there is a huge mastermind that lives in Perez. And some people would find that very calculating, but then anybody that’s really good with concepts has to know that the concept is airtight. And if you have a good concept, you’ll inspire hate as well as ecstasy. Because if it’s just OK, nobody gets hard. It’s just one of those things -- it can occur while you’re at the dentist -- it doesn’t matter. But if it pushes those buttons in some way, then you have to know it’s a fucking great concept but it might not be what the public wants all the time. That doesn’t mean they’re right. When it comes to art, the public isn’t always right. The public likes what they like for all kinds of reasons. And sometimes it’s, “It’s just because I want it this way!” But that doesn’t mean it’s the most exciting choice.

The one saving grace from Tori's comments about Perez, however, is that she makes no goddamn sense. She just kind of rambles and rambles, and if you were the unfortunate soul who had to conduct the interview, I suspect about halfway through one of her idiosyncratic soliloquies, you'd be half asleep, drool collecting around your chin. The woman is a mess -- a long-winded, tedious mess. 

I got nothing against the bald and ripped look, Joey Lawrence, but I draw the line at the blouse. (BWE) 

The 17th entry in Pajiba's 20 Best Seasons of the Last 20 Years. (Pajiba)

Here's a word that stumps even us at WIMB: Kwashiorkor. Seems to have something to do with pregnancy bloat. (Yeeeah)

Gwyneth, once again, proves that, though she may at times be insufferable, she looks ravishing, even without makeup. (Celebitchy)

Will somebody tell me who the fuck Katy Perry is and why she keeps polluting the gossip blogs? (Celebrity Smack)

Here's a crotch shot you could probably do without. (The Blemish)

Jennifer Lopez goes through nannies like Murphy Brown goes through secretaries. (Poptard)

What do Anton Chigurh and Eva Longoria have in common? Their hairstyles, of course. (Ayyyy!)

Spiked Mace (Noun) A heavy spiked metal club used for breaking heads, a suitable substitute for the pepper spray.

Michael Ian Black, known to the cool as one of the original members of "The State," the less cool as a cast member of "Ed," and the hopelessly out of touch only as that commentator on the VH1 flashback shows, has officially challenged Tucker Max -- drunken mysogynist and a man certified by the Vaginal Cleansing Society (VCS) as the Douchiest of all Douchebags -- to a brawl.

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker -- I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU'RE DEAD!

Tucker Max, in turn, has not only accepted that challenge, but is putting up his next royalty check (around $150,000, he says) as a guarantee that he wins the fight.

I'll even promise to show up drunk as shit. I'll drink an unreasonable amount of alcohol before we fight--20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to me plastered. And if you don't think I'm drunk enough, I'll keep drinking. As long as I am conscious and able to stand on my feet, I'll fight you.

Michael Ian Black, meanwhile, has agreed to put up his New Kids on the Block doll collection (worth about $1.50, he says), if he loses. Black is currently mulling the time and place:

He asks me to pick the time and place. I will have to work on that, but rest assured it will be soon and it will be well-publicized and it will be sponsored and there will be some hot ring girls and probably a motorcycle jump before the fight. Also, I am hoping to enter the ring via helicopter. And I’m going to get a special robe with my name bedazzled on it. And you know how UFC has the Octagon? Well our ring is going to be shaped like the Star of Fucking David. Because that’s how we Jews roll.

Personally, I'm taking the underdog in this one, mostly just because I can't stand Tucker Max -- if he were to catch fire while I was walking by, I wouldn't wipe my ass with his shirt. That said, I'd kind of like to see the furor of Michael Ian Black fans unleashed on Tucker Max should he actually put off the victory -- he might finally get his due: Being anally raped with a spiked mace. 

Today Show Makeover (Noun) A complete makeover designed to make ultra-cool actors and actresses appear less cool, and thus more accessible to mainstream schlubs who get their hard news from Matt Lauer.  

Zombatic (Adjective) Tired, exhausted and moving about in a mechanical sort of way.

Cylon (Noun) A bio-mechanical race of workers developed in a distant part of the galaxy by humans not of terrestrial origin. Forced to work as slaves, the Cylons eventually turned on their creators and nearly destroyed them before a cease fire was called. The Cylons continued to evolve, and the latest versions are nearly identical to humans and may be able to mate and reproduce with them.  Still angry about their past treatment, the Cylons have once again set out to destroy all humans everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

White-Boy Day (Holiday) In True Romance, the wannabe-black pimp Drexl's (played by Gary Oldman) idea of a holiday where crazy white men can assualt pimps in their place of buisness and get away with it.

What's not to love about Gary Oldman? Here's a man who can play some of the bad-assiest characters in the history of cinema, and still show up to a movie premiere looking like your crazy picked-on 9th grade science teacher whose students ironically call "coach." And you know what? The dude still scares the piss out of me. This is a guy you won't want to be standing next to at a urinal -- he'll punch a hole through your neck and then piss through it for shits and giggles.

"Now I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Glamour Shots (Noun) A place in the mall where unnattractive people go to get their picture taken. Glamour shots has a make-up artists on site to make you up before they take your picture. After the Glamour Shots treatment, most girls tend to leave with photos that make them look similarly unattractive, only with an additional twist: Now they look like drag queen versions of themselves.

Dumped (Verb) When one partner ends the relationship when the other still wanted to stay together.

Sad news to report out of Tinseltown this morning: After five years of dating, Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have sadly ended their relationship.

Silverman's publicist, Amy Zvi, confirmed the breakup in an e-mail message to the AP. Zvi didn't immediately respond when asked for further details. (Source)

Though many are speculating that their respective sexual relationships with Matt Damon (Sarah) and Ben Affleck (Jimmy) may have been behind the break-up, in reality, the reason for the split was far less complicated: Sarah Silverman is hot and funny, while Jimmy Kimmel is fat. Sarah Silverman was on the cover of Maxim, while Jimmy Kimmel was on the cover of Slovenly Lardass. Sarah had just gotten tired of Jimmy stealing the last fucking fry and dumped his sorry ass.

Some douchebag is trying to sell stolen, X-rated photos of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus. Because we don't have laws against selling pictures of naked 15-year-olds or anything. (The Blemish)

Cash Warren must be a goddamn Svengali or something. (Celebslam)

Sienna Miller scoffs at Madonna's laissez-faire approach to homewrecking. (Yeeeah!)

You know what we could really use more of? Opportunities for Jack Black to ham it up. (Seriously? OMG!)

Rumer Willis says she knows she's a big egg-headed freak of nature. Awww. (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton's "Dream Catchers" are the closest you can get to Paris Hilton without catching anything. (popbytes)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian please report directly to jail. (Celebrity Smack)

Jane Krakowski and the case of the missing muffin top. (Ayyyy!)

One thing Brooke Hogan certainly knows is how to make her titters look like the titters of a woman thrice her age in an ill-fitting garment. (Socialite's Life)

Nothing is coming up A-Rod these days. (CelebWarship)

Now before I head off to the most remote part of New Hampshire and leave the site to Dustin for the rest of the week -- (which hopefully won't be renamed "Ryan Reynolds is my Bitch when I return) -- Pennsylvania pride, bitches! (Pajiba)

Transparent: (Adjective) Having thoughts or motives that are easily perceived.

Oh, what EVVVER, Madonna! Everyone knows you're getting divorced, and nobody cares. Nobody. This little charade could not be more see-through if it were sculpted in Lennox crystal and advertised in the free coupon circular along with gutter cleaning and five thousand address label for $1 dollar. So is Guy collecting an hourly rate by now, or does he just get an extra mansion in the settlement? So. Fucking. Gay.

You know who I find infinitely more cool and interesting than Madonna? Lourdes. I can't wait until a few more years when she starts getting wasted and picking fights with Miley Cyrus.

Zack Morris (Noun) Blonde, whiteboy playa. 

Bayside High's most eligible bachelor ain't a blonde whiteboy play no more -- now, he's a greasy-haired whiteboy playa. Humuna humana!

 

Idiocy: (Noun) Extremely stupid behavior.

It wouldn't be a day that ends in "Y" if PETA weren't trying to star a high-profile shitstorm over something irrelevant -- and today the lucky target just happens to be Sharon Stone! In his upcoming autobiography, Ernest Borgnine writes that for their 1981 film Deadly Blessing, Stone requested that a large tarantula have its fangs removed before she would work with it.

PETA president Ingrid Newkirk, who's tangled with Stone over her wearing fur, told Page Six: "She chose to make a tiny insect an amputee. Perhaps she should change her name legally to 'Heart of Stone.'

Oh snap! She really got her there. On the plus side, it must be really great that the world is apparently so free of animal cruelty that the only stuff PETA can find to complain about is unfair treatment of a fucking spider over 25 years ago. Maybe PETA should change it's name to Attention Whores for the Idiotic Bitching About Irrelevant Crap to Further Their Own Selfish Notoriety. I guess "AWIBICTFON" doesn't have the same clever impact as "Heart of Stone," though.

Just for fun: a couple of PETA's finest whores wearing bikinis made out of lettuce. Oooh, take that, whatever asinine shit you're protesting:

Licentious (Adjective) Lacking restraint, or ignoring societal standards, particularly in sexual conduct; disregard for accepted rules.

Ummm. Yeeesh.

Retired (Adjective) Withdrawn from or no longer occupied with one's business or profession.

For those who don't follow such things, the big news in the sports world over the weekend was the drama and controversy surrounding Brett Favre, the legendary former quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Favre retired at the end of the season, after allowing Fetal Manning to cornhole him in the playoffs, only to decide last week that he didn't want to stay retired anymore. As it turns out, however, the Green Bay Packes don't want him back, since -- you know -- he's only the best goddamn thing to ever happen to the team and even a bag of Favre's old bones would probably play better than their other option, Aaron "Brittle" Rodgers, whose arms break if the water pressure is too high in the showers. 

Over the last few days, Favre has pleaded, threatened, whined, and wept, trying to work his way back into a starting position. Yesterday, a new and dramatic development took place in Lambeau Field parking lot, where a whopping one hundred (100) people attended a rally trying to pressure the Packer front office to take Favre back.

Wow. A 100 whole people, huh? You know, five years ago, a constipated Favre could've gotten 100 people to show up for a bowel movement, cheering his stool free. Hell, Bible-preaching hobos in town square can command more than 100 people. I've seen briss that were bettere attended than the Favre rally.

How does that pressure feel, Packer front office? I bet they're terrified. If those 100 people decided to give up their season tickets, the waiting list would only be 56,900 people long! That'd cut the 30 year queue down almost seven days!

Take the hint, Brett. Go in peace. Keep your dignity, brother. 

Disturbing the Peace: (Crime) The unsettling of proper order in a public space through one's actions, by creating loud noise, or using offensive words likely to incite violence.

In Nicole Richie-Paris Hilton fight watch news: Nicole is said to be pissed at Paris for ruining the neighborhood, since Paris moved in with Benji Madden, twin brother of boyfriend Joel who just happened to live next door to the couple.

Friends of Richie told Page Six recently, "Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."

In spite of everything, I do have to say that this would make a hilarious sitcom. Or better yet, a TV movie! You know, like some overdramatic Lifetime network movie where they all get horribly murdered by a crazy stalker at the end? One of those "based on a true story" type of deals. Not that I'm planning anything, per se. But if there's any psychopaths out there up to the challenge, I hear Cabella's has great deals on hunting knives this time of year, is all I'm saying.

Nicole Richie over the 4th of July with some dude rocking the same neon shades I did in the 6th grade. All he needs is a Bart Simpson "Don't Have a Cow Man" T-Shirt to complete the ensemble:

Dead (Adjective) Something that is no longer living and can now be kicked.

The latest word in the Land of Make Believe --our beloved blogosphere -- is that Shonda Rhimes, the creator and exec producer of "Grey's Anatomy" is so horked off with crazy-in-the-head Rainbow Killer for that whole Emmy controversy that she's considering writing her off the show. Marc Malkin, who not only spells his name wrong, but gets his gossip straight from the source -- a magical unicorn with a ringed dildo spiked through its head -- writes:

"It's not good there," a source tells me of the Grey's Anatomy set. "Shonda is pissed. They're thinking of killing her off. They want Izzie dead." (Source)

Just like that, huh? I wish real life were more like bad medical dramas featuring mostly unpleasant-to-look at people masquerading at sex objects. That way, if I got upset with someone, I'd just write them out of my life forever. Crazy racist postman who tells me the exact same stories every time I see him: A piano just fell on your head. Your dead, asshole. Grammar Nazi dying to tell me that I should've used "you're" and not "your" in the previous sentence? How's that Strunk and White I just permanently wrote into your asshole feel, Plinko? Oh, and Dunkin Donuts lady who keeps giving me liquid sugar no matter how many fucking times I ask for granulated? How'd you like the taste of monster-truck bumper, corpse face?

As for "Grey's" without Heigl? What's the point? Hating her is the only thing the show has going for it. Without her, it's just a bunch of McBlands making up McStupid McNicknames in between unpleasant-to-watch pillow fights and make-out sessions.

Brangemas: (Noun) Holiday celebrating the Brangelina twins' birth, held on July 12.

I'm just going to go ahead and get this out of the way first, because I know if I don't it'll be like the elephant on the gossip blog all day. Yes -- we can all rejoice, for the blessed day has finally arrived!

On Sunday, Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice, France, presented one of the birth certificates of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twins on the steps of Nice's Fondation Lenval hospital, where son Knox Leon and daughter Vivienne Marcheline were born Saturday.

In welcoming the twins, Estrosi told reporters, "On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event." (Source)

If you think about it, it really kind of is like when Jesus was born. Only there was one of him, because I guess God's sperm wasn't man enough to make two saviors. And instead of getting an official welcoming from the mayor of Bethlehem, Jesus just got a bunch of fucking hay, and some frankincense and myrrh. Which I looked up, and is actually just a fancy word for incense -- presumably to cut the smell of all the dung commingling with that hay. Well where did you think the donkeys did their business? Yeah OK, this is nothing like when Jesus was born. Clearly the birth of Brangelina's babies was a much more special and holy event.

Selma Blair takes her quest of not wanting to be typecast the braless route. (Yeeeah!)

More pictures of Jamie Lynn's slack-jawed bundle of joy. (The Blemish)

VH1's "I Love Money" is the best thing to happen to my summer besides machine washable summer dresses on sale at J. Crew. (CelebritySmack)

"Jeopardy" makes the best meta-Heidi Montag burn ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kid Rock loves hisself some America. And skanks... Don't forget the skanks. (Celebslam)

Feeling bad about your age, you old piece of shit? Well a frost-headed Jamie Lynn isn't the only person who can make you feel better about yourself. (BestWeekEver)

Hayden Panettiere gets ready to make a huge mistake! (Celebitchy)

More of Brooke Hogan doing her best "lady" imitation. (usemycomputer)

Madonna must have totally been such a bitch to her brother growing up. (Socialite Life)

Hellboy II is about as deep as a puddle of fanboy froth. (Pajiba)

Spoken For: (Phrase) To be already claimed, owned, or reserved; typically in regards to a romantic commitment.

After months of being attached at the hip, confirmations by friends and family, and rumors of an engagement -- Samantha Ronson has finally officially gone public with her relationship with Lindsay Lohan. How, you ask? With a press conference? Tabloid interview? Sex tape?

...it looks like the blonde brit has gone and announced their couple-dom in that most modern of ways — on Facebook! According to friends of the DJ, who has been spotted smooching and embracing the 22-year-old actress several times in recent months, has updated her lovelife status on the online social networking site from "single" to "in a relationship."

And, as if to put any doubts to rest about who the other half of that relationship might be, Sam's profile pic features her and Lindsay together at Disneyland. (Source)

And there you have it: probably the most mind-numbingly retarded piece of "news" I have ever "reported on" in all my year [sic] of gossip blogging. Who knows what other golden nuggets of revelation might be possessed by the vast treasure trove of social networking sites! Could Amy Winehouse's Smoke / Drink status on Myspace be filled in "Yes / Yes?" Does Spencer Pratt's income blank say "Nineteenedy bazillion?" Is 2:14 too soon to start drinking on a Friday?

Also, is it sad that I think that they're really, really cute in these photos? Oh -- my bad. Clearly I'm already drunk.

Yikes (Exclamation) Used to express mild fear or surprise.

Yikes! Now wait a second -- I though Heath Ledger was supposed to play the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Seriously, though -- were they trying to make her look like one of those animatronic gypsy ladies inside machines that spit out fortunes at state fairs, or did the Tatler design department try to airbrush her photo with MS Paint. Because, wow! That's some kind of awful. She looks like Cameron Diaz in a funhouse mirror.

Hide and Seek: (Noun) A children's game in which one player tries to find other players who have hidden themselves.

Awww, now isn't this precious! I knew that deep down, Amy Winehouse was really just a kid at heart. Of course, normally when children play this game they do so without a the aid of empty beer packaging and a snout full of white powder. But hey, I guess when you're Amy Winehouse, the line between "childhood whimsy" and "all out drug-fueled bender" is kinda blurry. As are the lines in the road, the lines of decency, and pretty much any other line that isn't composed entirely out of blow.

More of Amy's wild night out, compliments of The Sun:

Constipation (Noun) The sensation of having to go combined with the complete inability to do so. It feels very much like you're trying to push a medium-sized troll out your sphincter sideways. Characterized by bulging neck vein, red face, and contorted body.

I dunno, folks. I'm not so sure your car is the best place to work through your constipation difficulties, but then again, that's why Tobey Maguire is a big-time blockbuster movie star while I'm just a guy who writes about them.

Horseshit: (Noun) The strongest possibile expression of disbelief to something that's completely false or nonsensical.

The album artwork for Jennifer Hudson's upcoming self-titled debut has been released, and something is ... Not quite right. Although a source told EOnline that Hudson did not have any photo retouching whatsoever and naturally "has a tiny waist," what I have below is a recent sampling of actual photos taken of Jennfier. On the left she appears at the BET awards on June 24 and on the right, at a charity event taken yesterday.

Come on now, girl. Now I'm not gonna be all like when I take my occasional downward angle, pouty-lipped myspace self portraits, that I don't relieve myself of the wayward zit or undereye bags. Any guilt over misrepresenting myself is usually canceled out by the shame of taking those kind of pictures in the first place. I'm a grown woman, dammit. But that up there? Is pure fiction. Even Mariah Carey would be ashamed of this, and I heard she even once had Cosmo editors replace her entire body with a completely different one.

Redonkulous (Adjective) Significantly more absurd than ridiculous to an almost impossible extreme; without possibility of serious consideration. 

You must be kidding me? The new promo trailer for the next "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" has hit the airwaves, and it is apeshit redonkulous. An island. Shark-infested waters. A limited food supply. Rule changes. Gold. Skull crackery. Ass kicking and shirt-ripping yawlps. Maybe this will finally be the one where someone dies. Please let it be Beth. 

Wednesdays this Fall.

I won't tell anyone you watch it, if you don't tell anyone that I do.

Bunny Fight: (Noun) A physical and/or verbal altercation between two or more of Hefner's girls.

During a stop on their nationwide search for the 55th Anniversary Playmate, our friends over at The Sun interviewed Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt who are judging the competition. Noticeably absent was Kendra Wilkinson, who is rumored to be fighting with Holly Madison. Despite several attempts by interviewer Paul Heyman to trick the two girls into admitting that they "hated Kendra," neither would budge, instead reciting some lame crap about Kendra being on vacation for her birthday.

On one hand, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense for twenty-something girls to be fighting over an octogenarian. It's not like they're dating Ryan Reynolds and one of the girls is actually Dustin or anything.

On the other hand, Kendra laughs like this. That's enough evidence for me: they're definitely plotting her death. I'm sure the only reason Hef puts up with it is because he's gone almost completely deaf by now, and fades in and out of consciousness most days. And, the 22-year-old jugs. Those probably help a lot, too.

Holly hosting the Playboy Bunny Search at The Palms last month, sans Kendra:

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.  (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

John Mayer concedes he may have accidentally slipped his penis into a fan's vagina once way back when. (Celebitchy)

Awww, isn't it cute when Tobey Maguire gets mad? Hims cute iddle veins stick right out of hims neck. (Celebslam)

It's not for me to judge, I suppose, but if I had a Frankentummy, I doubt I'd show it off every opportunity I had. Not the case with Tara Reid. (Usemycompter)

Marilyn Manson is not only bald, but when his wig is removed, he runs like a ninny. (Yeeeah!)

Who is on your five freebies list? You don't have to scratch off Mickey Rourke on our account. (Pajiba)

Battle of the super sperm swallowers. (Celebrity Smack)

You mess with the bull, you get the backside of Amy Winehouse's hand. (The Blemish)

Ethan Hawke got married in a super secret ceremony, and by "super secret," I mean, no one gave a shit enough to show up. (Celebwarship)

And, because it's what she does, Lohan flashes her cootch. Again. (IDLYITW)

Gun Nuts: (Plural Noun) Those who take an unhealthy interest in firearms and ammunition, involving ownership, hoarding and peer discussions out of a belief that guns provide security and freedom.

Just when you thought all the "cool" celebrities were Obama-wanking democrats; here's John McCain's hippest young supporters proudly exhibiting their second amendment rights. And look, Spencer is even growing back his creepy, Gorton's Fisherman Beard -- just in time to join the militia!

Editor's note: I would like to thank the brave men and women at PacificCoastNews who made this photo shoot possible. At this time I would like to honor the fallen paparazzi with a moment of silence, one of whom lost his life when Heidi confused the "off" position of the safety with the "on" position and then got her acrylic nail stuck in the trigger.

Revealing (Adjective) Permitting an elucidating glimpse or a perception of something intimate or concealed.

I had a friend back in high school who had a mother who wore dresses just like the one Lauren Conrad is wearing, only she wore them on a daily basis, just around the house. She was about 60. She'd tanned herself into oblivion, and she drank herself silly every night of the week. After a few too many highballs, she also liked to hit on her son's friends (including myself).

She was not, however, an attractive woman. Quite the opposite, in fact. And she didn't like to wear a bra, either.

But the thing about the dress that LC is wearing, as well as the one little old Mrs. Carple used to wear, was that no matter how respectful you tried to be, no matter how little interest in her breasts you had, nor no matter how hard you tried to look away, it was completely impossible, which is probably what prompted Mrs. Carple to believe that we might have been interested in her incredibly inappropriate advances -- because we couldn't stop staring at her chest. When they're exposed like that, you're absolutely powerless to look away.

All of which is a long way of saying: Just because a guy is staring at your breasts, Lauren, doesn't mean he's interested in you. The truth is, you've given him absolutely no choice in the matter.

Now, go home and put on a goddamn shirt before you catch cold.

Zooooom!: (Exclamation) Used to express sudden fast movement.

Michael Jackson seems to be in a race with Madonna to see who can be more crazy by their 50th birthday. (August 29th and 14th, respectively.) For awhile it seemed like Madonna was gaining on him with her freakish Hulk-esque physique and A-Rod fucking -- but I think it's safe to say Jackson just clinched the victory.

Either way, his kids definitely take home the sympathy award:

Synchronicity (Noun) The state or fact of being synchronous or simultaneous; synchronism. 

Sugar Ray Leonard! How do you get it to do that? That's amazing. I know a few people who can wiggle their ears, but this is really impressive. I'd love to see you and little you do a rendition of "YMCA." You ever think about joining the circus with that sideshow?

 

Annoying: (Adjective) causing irritation, annoyance or mild anger.

Here are some photos from inside Jessica Simpson's 28th birthday party earlier this week. I really don't have any commentary here, other than that between the Simpson sisters and their sidekick, the littlest Gay Monchichi, these people seem like the most irritating, unbearable people on the face of the Earth. if I was forced to choose between spending just one evening with them or getting sent to Iraq -- I'd get the lifetime, unlimited membership to the US Army just to be on the safe side.

What the hell did Tony Romo ever do to anyone to deserve this?

Holy Sh*t (Expression) An exclamation, usually one used to express amazement or surprise.

Ummm. Like. Holy Shit. You guys remember Fred Durst? Lead singer of Limp Bizkit? Used to date Britney Spears? Believe it or not, Britney Spears may have actually come out ahead in that break-up. Her melt down may have been public, but the real train wreck may just be Durst.

Check him out in the video above -- and, yes! that's actually him, on the Tom Green show. Woah. The hair. The accent. The coke-bottle glasses. The hick beard. And why is he talking like a character from Deliverance? Hold me.

I did it all for the Nookie! The Nookie!

Hogicide: (Noun) The deliberate and permissible killing of the entire Hogan family.

Brooke Hogan is making the rounds to promote her upcoming reality show, "Brooke Knows Best Jack Shit," of which the premiere time and date I'm purposely omitting because no one should watch this. (Really, please don't support them.) At any rate, in a two-part interview with "Access Hollywood" airing this week -- Brooke runs her stupid fucking yap about, what else, her brother:

"He's in there with hardened criminals...Nick got into an accident," Brooke Hogan explains. "These people have actually deliberately committed a crime."

Oh, riiiiight. I forgot that our criminal justice system clearly states that you can't be prosecuted for a crime that you didn't mean to commit. Everyone else who has ever turned their vehicle into an alcohol-fueled killing machine totally did it on purpose.

Brooke Hogan mentions how different things are since the car accident involving Graziano, who was like a brother to her. Brooke, while she didn't know the Graziano family very well, says, "I can't believe what materialistic things can do to people's mindset."

*Deep breath* ... HE HAS AN ENTIRE FUCKING CHUNK OF HIS HEAD MISSING! Has everyone seen the video yet? It's really, really, really fucked up!

OK. Here is what I propose: the Graziano family should just kill them. Enough with the petty death threats, just do it. Kill every last one of those Amazonian, jerky-skinned, yellow-headed motherfuckers. The date, location and weapon of choice is totally up to you. This is just one of those rare circumstances where a mob rules mercy-killing is totally warranted. I'm sure even the most hardass judge and district attorney couldn't argue with that.

Seriously, somebody send this soulless, disgusting beast back to transvestite hell:

Somehow I have a feeling Angelina didn't get paid for this endorsement. (Seriously? OMG!)

Well, we almost made it a whole day without mentioning Madonnaisawhoregate. (The Blemish)

Sam buys Lindsay a promise to not start drinking and have sex with men again ring. (Yeeeah!)

GASP! How scary! David Lee Roth almost died! Oh hey look, there's a squirrel outside. Wait, what was I saying? Eh, guess it wasn't important. (Agent Bedhead)

These breasts have more plastic in them than a frisbee factory. (Ayyyy!)

Flo was right: Christopher Knight and Adrienne Curry are more doomed than the Earth's natural resources. (Celebitchy)

Brian Austin Green floats down The Nile river. Wait, I think I said that wrong. (Socialite's Life)

Lauren Conrad's breasts defy the laws of a flimsy, ill-fitting garment. (Celebslam)

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Wait, who is Harriet Carter again? (IBBB)

That feud with Spencer clearly must have pushed Mary Kate over the edge. (popbytes)

Brooke Hogan does "come hither" like most people do "trying to push out a crap." (HQ Celebrity)

Clash of the Titans doesn't have enough fart jokes in it to be one of my personal Hangover Theater viewings. (Pajiba)

Boring: (Adjective) Not interesting; tedious.

I've always really liked Selma Blair. OK, well I guess I'm actually pretty ambivalent about her acting in general -- but I always thought she seemed unique and had a cool style, going around in Chuck Taylors with cute, sassy short hairdos and etcetera. So naturally, she supposedly wants to ditch her quirky typecast so she can get the "pretty girl" roles.

Blair says, "I guess I courted it (being stereotyped) somehow... I've taken pretty odd roles. I really wanted to be the pretty girl - glamorous, sweet, pretty, sexy… everything I'm not seen as." (Source)

Yeah, boy... Because if there's one thing we could use another of, is a Katherine fucking Heigl or Reese Witherspoon. I know, maybe you can grow your hair out, dye it blonde,
 and star in a romantic comedy where you almost don't get the guy -- until at the very end when you totally do. And we can name it something stupidly appropriate like It Takes Two to Tango or Speak of the Devil or Forty Winks! Smell that? No, it's not the stank of a big, turd of a movie -- that's the delightful aroma of Hollywood clout.

Slobber (Verb) Refers to the leaking of saliva from one's mouth, often exacerbated by pictures of pretty people; similar to droool, only there's a more intense level of saliva leakage.

More of Christian Bale from this month's British GQ. 

Loathsome: (Adjective) Causing hatred or disgust; repulsive.

I'm browsing through photo galleries this morning, and I see a thumbnail for these photos of Leighton Meester. So I clicked on them, naturally thinking it was my beloved Eliza Dushku -- which tends to happen on a fairly regular basis. But before I had time to once again curse the gods of "Gossip Girl" for their incessant trickery -- I stopped cold and thought: "Wait a damn minute. Is she wearing culottes?!"

Really, now? So I guess I didn't get the memo then, that culottes are back in style? Or as dictated by "Gossip Girl," presumably. Seriously? Sometimes I just have to wonder if there is some evil, diabolical gay man with mommy issues who masterminds these fashion trends upon us poor, unsuspecting women. I don't care what anyone says, culottes are flattering on no one and should be reserved for women over 60 who have officially given up on life and prefer comfort over style. I am five foot two, and I'm telling you right now those pants would make me look like a circus clown. Look at poor Leighton, even! New fashion trend or attempt to conceal chronic constipation? We may never know. So is this really the kind of statement we want to be making with our wardrobe? That we haven't pooped in a week?

Eh. I do love that purse, though.

Editor's note: On this thrilling episode of "Gossip Girl," Blair talks on her cell phone! Tune in next week for some hot Serena on Nate texting action!

Metta (Noun) From the Sanskrit, Metta is a sincere wish for the welfare and genuine happiness of all beings, without exception.

I envy my colleague Stacey's freedom to mock babies.* Unfortunately, for those who have children, or will have children someday soon, we have been trained to hold our tongue. It's not necessarily the belief that all babies are beautiful, it's fucking fear. Fear that should we make fun of someone else's baby, our own child will be plagued with a pug nose, webbed feet, or a thick tongue. A parent's maliciousness toward babies will almost certainly be reflected in their own newborn. It's scientific fact.

That's why I have nothing but metta, or maitri, for this baby! She's so cuuuute! All squishy and wrinkly and adorable! The baby looks just like her Dad, though it is a little creepy that Jamie Lynn procreated with Don Zimmer. But good for Zimmer for hitting that! 77 years young and still chasing young skirt. I didn't even realize he was still alive!

*I'm too concerned with the fact that the 17-year-old Jamie Lynn appears to have frosted her hair to comment on that hairless monkey she's holding in her arms. -- Stacey

 

Fantasy: (Noun) Fanciful mental image, typically one on which a person dwells at length or repeatedly and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes.

Mariah Carey appears in the August issue of Elle, and proves in the accompanying interview that she's still the crazy, delusional Mariah Carey we've come to know and tolerate.

“When I was in an unhappy place in my life,” Carey says of her past, “I always wanted to be kidnapped. I just wanted a way out, but I didn't have one.” Ten years after her split with Mottola, handsome young prince Nick Cannon has come to the rescue.

“He sort of kidnapped me and took me on a helicopter ride. Then he re-proposed.” Cannon's first proposal had taken place on Carey's roof in Manhattan a couple of evenings prior and involved the hiding of a 17-carat diamond ring inside a candy ring pop. “They've been calling me Cinderella since I first started out, so, of course, being Cinderella…” she says, laughing. “Most people would think, Okay, please! This doesn't happen in real life.”

Does it strike anyone else as, you know, strange that Mariah Carey seems to have an unhealthy fixation on fairy tales and kidnapping? For Nick Cannon, being married to her must be not unlike playing house with the most spoiled, bratty five-year-old little girl ever, except his mom never comes to pick him up and he never gets to go home. Good thing she's got all that money, I guess. A new Ferrari every week probably eases the pain and humility of having the occasional Easybake Oven chucked at your head.

The Shit (Expression) Means "The best." Originated as a term to describe high quality drug substances, i.e. "this is good shit." The meaning has evolved to refer to any item of high quality. However, in typical usage, the article "the" is required to denote superiority. Without the word "the" prefacing the word "shit," a different, usually negative, meaning applies.

Now that I've completely bored you with a post about Vanna White, what better way to follow it up than to bore you with news that has absolutely nothing to do with a celebrity mishap, fashion faux pas, pregnancy, marriage, or birth.

It's so much better.

Ben Folds revealed to Paste Magazine this week that the name of his new album will be Way to Normal and it will be released on September 16th.

That is The Shit.

The album, which includes a duet with Regina Spektor, will feature typical Ben Folds fare, of the hard piano rock variety. There's also a song called "Bitch Went Nuts."

The cheeky irreverence that’s become Folds’ trademark is still on full display in tunes like “Bitch Went Nuts,” which tells the fictional story of a relationship that went south after the narrator’s lover goes psycho and stabs his basketball. According to Folds, the song is a comment on the male perspective. “If you ask loads of women what went wrong in a relationship, they’re going to give you a variety of answers. But you ask men, especially at a bar somewhere, and they’re gonna go, ‘Uh, bitch went nuts!’”

Folds is currently on tour in the United Kingdom.

And stick around, folks. I'm on a roll today: At noon, we can debate: Are Crocs the new Jelly Sandals?

Vanna Remote (Slang) Phrase used to describe a person who loses a remote and is then forced to stand in front of the TV and manually change it until he or she finds something suitable to watch. 

I have absolutely no gossip to relate to you with regards to Vanna White. For some inexplicable reason, she was on my brain this morning and I got to wondering whatever happened to her. I realize, of course, that she's still on TV five nights a week, but unless you're 10 years old and visiting your grandparents, I can't imagine anyone would have any reason to even know that "Wheel of Fortune" is still airing on television, 26 years since it began. Does she still turn the letters? Surely, even she's got a remote for that now so that she can stand around with Pat and turn the letters from the distance.

I did find some recent photos of Vanna. from earlier this year. And you know what? For a 51 year old lady, she's looking pretty goddamn fine. But I'll never forget the summer of 1987. I was 12. Slippery When Wet, was the number one album in the country. Adventures in Babysitting was out in theaters. And Vanna White was in Playboy Magazine. 

That was a goddamn good summer.

And there you go, folks. Webster's is my Bitch: The only gossip website on the interwebs that'll do a completely pointless and random post on Vanna White. Tell all your friends about us.

Also, after the cut, a random highlight from "Wheel of Fortune." 

 

McNugget: (Noun) Battered chicken food item from McDonalds; also, one of many possible names for a McConaughspawn.

I can't even believe that I'm writing my second entry in as many number of days about a goddamn celebrity baby name, yet here we are. Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves have named their newborn son Levi Alves McConaughey -- as in, the jeans I assume.

Amazingly, this doesn't even make the top two of stupid names in the immediate McConaughey lineage, as young Levi joins his uncle "Rooster" and cousin "Miller Lyte." I guess this kid should just count his blessings that his dad didn't get stuck behind a pickup truck with one of those delightful pairs of plastic testicles hanging down in the back on the way to the delivery room -- because he was this close to being called Truck Nutz McConaughey.

Update: McConaughey says "Levi" is another name for the apostle Matthew in the Bible. Yeah, anyway. And I'm sure "Miller Lyte" is also coincidentally the name of one of Jesus's lesser known disciples. You know, the one he used to go booze-cruising for tail with.

Check it out: The 16th Best Season of Television in the Last 20 Years unveiled today. (Pajiba)

Like father like son: McConaughspawn departs the womb without wearing a shirt. Wellahlright. (Yeeeah!)

Zachery Ty Bryan, Brad Taylor on "Home Improvement," falls hard: He now has to stay at Choice Hotels. Also, experiences the joys of the taser. (The Blemish)

Corey Haim makes his pitch to be on the next "Celebrity Rehab" at the most inopportune time. (Seriously? OMG!)

Eva Mendes, asked about substance abuse, silently judges interviewer. (Celebrity Smack)

Jake and Reese continue to bore the shit out of everybody. (Celebitchy)

Just because she's divorcing him doesn't mean he doesn't make a nice pillow. (Evil Beet)

Sandra Bullock wears a bikini, once again casting doubts as to why she married that guy. (Celebslam)

Gillian Anderson: Ta da! (Fatback Media)

Verne Troyer's lover spills the beans, which will prompt you to spill your beans. (Bricks and Stones)

Regina George speaks out on Lindsay's lesbianism! (Film Experience)

Idol: (Noun) A person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered.

You know what I never get sick of hearing? [Insert pop-tardlet of the moment] blibbedy blabbing about how they want to be the next Madonna. So I bet you'll never guess who Miley Cyrus aspires to be like!

"Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do." (Source)

So basically, what Miley is saying is that she'll use any and all all means necessary to claw her way back into the spotlight time and time again. Well, that does sound like Madonna, but she's got a pretty big cone-shaped brassiere to fill. For starters, she better get more comfortable with posing naked in front of a camera. And it wouldn't hurt to start getting acquainted with the world's penises. Madonna didn't get where she is today by not being a total slutbag. And no, Miley, your dad doesn't count.

Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass (Expression) To give a gratuitous and insincere compliment. 

For reasons that make absolutely no sense to me, Maggie Gyllenhaal actually sought Katie Holmes approval before taking over the Rachel Dawes character in Christopher Nolan's Batman franchise. In fact, she nearly turned down the part, until she was assured that Holmes was on board. Gyllenhaal said:

"I wanted to be sure, first of all, that I had her blessing. And I was assured that I did. I'm a big fan of hers, I think she was really great in the first movie. And yet I felt like it wouldn't have done anyone any good if I tried to imitate her. Really what I decided was that it had to be a whole new woman. If I'm going to do what I do well, I have to be free to do it."

Sheesh. Talk about blowing smoke up someone's ass. To what end, I don't know. It's like Shinola getting shit's blessing before removing the smelly scuffs from your loafers. But Maggie was right about one thing: It wouldn't have done any goddamn good to try to imitate Katie, unless she thought wooden, expressionless acting that nearly ruins an otherwise flawless film was good for the role. Fortunately, unless Maggie knocks back a half bottle of Prozac and bathes in Botox, she could never be as stiff and inexpressive as Holmes was in Batman Begins.

Passive Aggressive: (Adjective) Of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by an avoidance of confrontation in favor of indirectly petty gestures or actions.

By now, everyone is wondering what the inspiration was for Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban to have named their daughter Sunday Rose. While the most obvious reasoning would be that they named her after Urban's song "Sunday," some are suggesting a possible deeper meaning.

Another source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.” (Source)

If that's actually true -- then, seriously? That's really, really sad. I mean, if you're going to go naming your baby for the purposing of putting down your ex, no sense in pussyfooting it. I'm already planning on naming my firstborn "Anita Man Who's Not An Employed Loser Who Lives With His Mom And Plays Video Games All Day." Or, you know, "Hugh Suck" if it's a boy.

Nicole preggers out the ass at the Country Music Awards in May:

Bagger (Noun) A person with an awesome body with a face only a mother could love.

This is all I'm saying: It's a good thing swimmers don't wear shirts.

USA! USA! USA!

Jerky: (Noun) Meat that has been cut into strips, trimmed of fat, marinated in a spicy, salty or sweet liquid, and then dried with low heat or occasionally salted and sun-dried.

Amy Winehouse has had a tanning bed installed in her home to help clear her skin of crack scabs, and The Sun is reporting that she now spends an unsafe hour or more per day using it -- far exceeding the recommended 15-20 minutes per every 48 hours.

One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. The pal added: “Over the years Amy has been addicted to alcohol, all sorts of drugs, men and even knitting. “This is another addiction that puts her health in danger.

Come on now! Slabs of lean meat, marinated in whiskey, smoked and slow cooked under indirect heat? I don't know know about the UK, but some parts of the world tend to consider that a delicacy. I heard Pemmican is already working on a new, limited edition "Blimey, Winehouse!" flavor.

Amy looking more delicious tan than usual backstage at the concert for Nelson Mandela:

Chlamydiagonorphilis (Noun) the combination of chlamydia gonorrhea and syphilis. There are no known prophylactics that can prevent transmission. 

A drunk, a whore, and a crazy bitch walk into a bar ...

Paris Hilton is hoping to team up with fellow tabloid targets Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan for a new reality show about their lives in the spotlight.

The socialite wants to produce the two-hour special, which she hopes will include candid revelations from the stars, reports the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper. (Source)

The name of the show hasn't been revealed yet, but the working title is "Chlamydiagonorphilis." Naturally, Ryan Seacrest is set to produce.

Mac Guy (Nickname) Refers to Justin Long, star of the Mac commercials.

Devastating news to report this morning: The Mac Guy, 30, and Drew Barrymore 33, have officially called it quits after nearly a year of dating, a break-up confirmed by Barrymore's publicist. Apparently, he was into fun stuff like movies, music, and podcasts, while she was into infrequent showers, random displays of crazy, and fucking random men. Unfortunately, the Mac Guy's operating system simply wasn't compatible with batshit fucking insane.

Diversion: (Noun) Something intended to distract someone's attention from something more important.

Hey! Hey, everyone! Remember when this happened? My, how sexy and scandalous it was! Well Madonna wants everyone to know that it could totally happen again, because she has specifically requested that Britney Spears appear in a taped performance in her upcoming "Sticky & Sweet" tour. But just so you know, this has nothing to do with her wanting to distract attention from the fact that she's a homewrecker whose own marriage is crumbling faster than a box of Chips Ahoy® that fell off the shelf.

So have you forgotten yet? About Madonna's personal life? Oh yeah, of course you haven't -- because the last time Britney Spears and Madonna "collaborated" they didn't look like Britney Spears' fat, schizophrenic aunt and some kind of CGI mutant from a Tolkien film. See Madonna, the flaw in your brilliant little plan is that nobody cares anymore; which makes this even more pathetic than pulling the fire alarm at work just to take a dump in peace. What? It's called "stage fright," OK?

If I had a dime for every time some dumb shithead on a competitive reality show proclaimed that they're "not there to make friends"... Clearly, I'd be really fucking rich. (FourFour)

Fuh-inally. Hot girl on girl action that doesn't involve Lindsay and Samantha. (Celebslam)

Oh, here's something that doesn't make me want to vomit whatsoever: Will Smith brought his Hancock costume home to use "in the bedroom." (Seriously? OMG!)

Speaking of things that barely make me want to vomit: a Spencer and Heidi reality show? Be still my puking heart! (Celebitchy)

Nicole Kidman names her baby something as representatively boring as everything else about Nicole Kidman. (The Blemish)

Just like my mom always used to say: "You can take the baby out of the skank, but you can’t take the skank out of Nicole Richie." (Yeeeah!)

Uber-gorgeousity Heidi Klum is a big proponent of aging gracefully. (HQ Celebrity)

The Wackness turns out to be much more layered and poignant than what you'd ever expect from a movie about weed and hip hop. (Pajiba)

Those catty bitches over at Jezebel want me to apologize for making fun of the only person (other than Heidi Montag) I've ever made fun of on this site without a high enough functioning brain to even understand the concept of "ridicule." Hmph. (Jezebel)

Determination: (Noun) The quality of firmness of purpose; resoluteness.

OK Magazine is reporting that Paula Abdul's ex-boyfriend restaurateur JT Torregiani, whom she only recently split with, is all but confirmed to be the next "Bachelor" after having been single for all of two weeks. Apparently "sensitivity" and "common fucking decency" are no longer qualities that ABC looks for when selecting a manufactured Prince Charming.

One thing's for certain, though. Between JT's nondescriptly pleasant looks, vacant blue eyes, unnaturally whitened teeth, unnaturally tanned skin and willingness to date crazy women in the public eye -- this dude was going to find his way onto reality TV if he had to let Bear Grylls climb into his hollowed out insides for protection from the elements.

JT and Paula during "happier" times at the Grammys back in February:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyonce Knowles

What's disappointing, however, is what I found to be an incredible oversight. Clearly, the best breasts in Hollywood belong to John Travolta, whose bitch tits simply scream: Suckle Me!

Get some.

Skank Magnet: (Noun) A skank or otherwise skeevy man or woman who has component atoms so ordered that the person exhibits properties of skanketism, such as attracting other skanks or aligning itself in an external skanknetic field.

Well, so much for Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson getting back together. Although, I don't know if you can really blame her. When two certified skank magnets are put in the same room together like this, it's not just likely that they're going to end up banging each other -- it's scientifically proven. I'm pretty sure that even holds up in divorce court, with the right expert witness.

More of Pam Anderson dry-humping Criss Angel during her 40-somethingth birthday at LAX in Vegas this weekend:

Sexy Beast (Noun) Someone so impossibly gorgeous it's alarming. 

I wonder how many people, like myself, turned on the television yesterday afternoon, for what was only meant to be a brief glance into the outside world during a holiday weekend, only to get inexplicably sucked into a tennis match, despite having absolutely no interest in tennis whatsoever. I tuned in midway through the fourth set of yesterday's Wimbledon Final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, and couldn't bring myself to turn it off until I'd sat through a rain delay and, finally, saw Nadal pull off one of the most dramatic wins in any sport, ever, which came about 5 hours after the match began. It was un-fucking-real.

And just as the way it should be, the better-looking man eventually won. Meanwhile, I may have found a new man crush -- good God, that Nadal is one motherfucking sexy beast. Am I right?

 

Patch (Noun) Female frontal pubic hair. 

This one is way too easy. The answer, nevertheless, is after the cut.

Fatty Boombalatty: (Noun) A big, huge, fat person. Typically characterized by excessive fat rolls and overall fattishness.

Haw haw! Look who's not perfect! I guess all the thetans in the world can't stop you from having back fat! Is that bacon I smell? Although, to be fair, Tom Cruise is like, five foot nothing, so he could have gotten those stretch marks by eating one of those big forest mushrooms, as his kind is akin to. OK, well maybe a big forest mushroom covered in peanut butter and nacho cheese, anyway.

Hammered (Adjective) Drunk. Heavily inebriated, though to a lesser extent than shit-faced.

I totally know that look! That wonky, eyes half-open face droop --her contacts have probably freeze-dried to her eyeballs and when she tries to remove them, she'll likely get a finger full of cornea. Don't even try to get the lenses in the case, Hilary. If you're wearing two-week disposables, forget about it -- they're now three-day lenses, unless you wake up in a stranger's house and can't see but to find the crusted lenses lying around the sink in a crunchy ball. If you carefully pick them up and soak them in solution for a few minutes, sometimes they're wearable to the extent that they can get you home. My advice: On nights I went home with a stranger looking like that, I've discovered it's best not to be able to see very well the next morning anyway -- lack of prescriptive eyewear and drunk goggles are about the same, so maybe you can leave thinking you went home with a looker. If you can remove your dehydrated tongue from the roof of your mouth, my advice: Just call a cab.

The good news, however, is that you're still in the upright position. You're probably only looking at a Level III Hangover.

 

Homewrecker: (Noun) A person, usually female, who breaks up the marriage of a couple by having an extramarital affair.

Madonna has released a statement saying that she and her husband are not getting a divorce and she did not have any kind of inappropriate relationship with Alex Rodriguez. She barely even knows him, in fact. She just took her kids to a Yankees game like, one time. Too late! Cynthia Rodriguez is blaming Madonna for their split, and his former trainer and godfather to his children Dodd Romero said this to the New York Post:

"Alex, God bless him, is lost," A-Rod's ex-pal lamented. "I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He's totally brainwashed."

"She believes it's what ruined her marriage," Romero added.

And even when A-Rod wasn't with Madonna, she was there in spirit, according to Romero. "He'd be in the gym and if a Madonna video would come on, he'd go into a trance," Romero said. And when A-Rod is driving in his car, he'll only listen to Madonna music, the trainer said.

From what I understand, that's exactly the sort of effect "Barney" has on small children. So basically, either A-Rod is banging Madonna, or he's a giant, oversized gay toddler man. Either way, Cynthia is probably making the right call here.

The firey seductress herself, leaving the (where else) gym last month:

You'd be better off just donating your $10 to charity than spending it on Hancock. (Pajiba)

If Kate Beckinsale's boob falls out of her dress in public and no one gets a picture, would it even have been sexy? (The Blemish)

Jennifer Aniston jealous of Kim Stewart? That's like me being jealous of the cashier at the Wal-Mart for making eyes at my man. Oh, I'm kidding. I don't shop at Wal-Mart. (Celebitchy)

Katie Holmes is to Broadway revenue what the thought of your grandmother naked is to your boner. (Yeeeah!)

Britney and Adnan: together again for the first time. (IDLYITW)

Get a glimpse inside Lindsay and Sam's lesbian love nest. My metaphorical eyes! I'm not supposed to get lesbian love nest in them! (Celebslam)

Why would Mario Lopez turn down Playgirl? My guess is that it's because all the crunches in the world don't make up for a small penis. Oh yeah, I said it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Three out of four experts agree, Angelina's twins will definitely be girls and/or boys. (CelebritySmack)

Christie Brinkley's divorce trial is messier than making a shit smoothie with no lid on the blender. (divorce_trial_aint_pretty.php">Socialte's Life)

Matt Damon started on his 4th of July burgers and beer a few months early. I, on the other hand, am only starting a half a day early. And just with the beer. The extra low-cal kind. Eh, just make it a Pinot Grigio. Have a fantastic holiday everyone! (DailyStab)

Oh No: (Phrase) An exclamation of shock and horror.

If there's one thing I hate, it's goddamn musicals. But if there's one thing I hate even more than musicals, it'd have to be torture porn. And if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's Paris Hilton. So it seems only natural that all of these despised elements should somehow find each other to create what might be the worst movie in the history of ever: Repo! The Genetic Opera. Since the above trailer was of little help, I went to IMDB for a synopsis:

An epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. Panic erupts and scientists feverishly make plans for a massive organ harvest. Out of the tragedy, GeneCo, a multi-billion dollar biotech company, emerges. GeneCo provides organ transplantation for a profit. In addition to financing options, GeneCo reserves the right to implement default remedies, including repossession. For those who can't keep up with their organ payments, collection is the responsibility of "organ repo men", skilled assassins contracted by GeneCo, ordered to recover GeneCo's property by any means necessary.

And yes, if you were paying attention, that was indeed my beloved Anthony Stewart Head of "Buffy" in that clip. Welp, it's official: the universe hates me. My coworker was just telling me I'd have bad luck for wishing people into car accidents, but I thought she was just being superstitious because she's old and stupid.

Actually, I really like Paris Hilton's outfit here. But I still hope she gets into a car accident. Dammit! See? I'm doing it again!

Big Loser: (Noun) A person has lost something considerable.

After months of speculation, Megan Fox has announced that she's ended her engagement with former "90210" star Brian Austin Green.

Sources claim the pretty brunette, 22, sent business associates correspondence last week alerting them to the sad news. An insider says, "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him." (Source)

Or maybe she just realized that she's Megan Fox and he's Brian Austin fucking Green. Now maybe it's my lack of a penis, but I'm not even one of those people who is all "Ohhhh, Megan Fox, I bow down to thy transcendent hotness." But this is Brian Austin Green we're talking about. It takes me a good ten seconds when I hear his name to differentiate in my head between him and Bud Bundy. I mean, they're practically the same person. So really you could take that statement and replace Megan Fox's name with pretty much any name and it still makes sense. Like this: "Or maybe she just realized that she's Spitzer's Whore and he's Brian Austin fucking Green." See? And you're like, what was Ashley Dupré doing with Brian Austin Green?

Here are some species of animal who are better off than Brian Austin Green:

Convoluted: (Adjective) Something which is extremely complex and difficult to follow.

Oooooh, yay! The plot is thickening! The Madonna-Guy Ritchie-Alex Rodriguez love triangle has just become a love, uh, pentagon -- as A-Rod's wife Cynthia is supposedly leaving him for Lenny Kravitz.

Cynthia Rodriguez, 34, has been in Paris for at least the past four days visiting Grammy-winner Kravitz. C-Rod was seen outside the 44-year-old Kravitz's pad in the romantic City of Light as recently as Tuesday night.

Meanwhile, A-Rod has been in New York with the Bronx Bombers, reading headlines about his numerous visits to Madonna's Upper West Side apartment. (Source)

Madonna, meanwhile, is doing her best to refute divorce and infidelity rumors by having her estranged husband fly to New York and be photographed holding hands with her. Sorry Madonna, your little ruse almost worked. While normally such an unbridled display of hands-holding would be irrefutable proof of marital happiness, Guy Ritchie is making the same face holding Madonna's hand that I make when I have to pick dog poop off the floor.

Editor's note: what the hell ethnicity is Alex Rodriguez exactly? Oompa Loompa?

Backpedal: (Verb) To hastily reverse one's previous action or opinion.

Ohhh! Look who suddenly believes in monogamy now! Scarlett Johansson is clarifying her previous statements about monogamy not working, now that she's engaged to Ryan "Solid Gold Abs" Reynolds. In the August issue of Cosmopolitan, she says:

"I don't think it's a natural instinct for human beings," she tells the magazine. She adds, "Monogamy can be hard work for some people. I don't think it applies to everybody, and I don't think a lot of people can do it."

"I believe in finding a soul mate. I've always been in monogamous relationships. I would never want to be in an open one. It'd be too awful." (Source)

It's like being in a committed relationship didn't even exist until Scarlett Johansson came up with it. I guess it's just too nuanced a concept for us lowly bottom feeders to wrap our feeble, primitive brains around. Oh please, wise celebrity sage, tell us more of this muh-noh...gam-ey you speak of.

Ryan "Picked a Winner" Reynolds on location for The Proposal with Sandra Bullock:

It must be serious: Kate Hudson brings ol' One Nut home to mom. (Celebitchy)

Ed Harris flips the fuck out on a paparazzi for taking his picture. (Seriously? OMG!)

Pregnant, big-boobed Ashlee Simpson still as insipid and uninteresting as flat-chested, barren Ashlee Simpson. (The Blemish)

Since it's been like three whole days since we mentioned Beckham's package -- just a friendly reminder that it's still there. (Agent Bedhead)

Marc Anthony is in full-on pimp-mode. (Celebslam)

Neener neener! Another round of stars without makeup! (popbytes)

This "Friends" movie bullshit better be someone's idea of a joke. (Yeeeah!)

I can't believe Hilary Duff actually used to date one of those Madden losers. (HQ Celebrity)

Awwwwwshit! The first five minutes of The Dark Knight leaked! (BunnyWithFangs)

This is some fucked up shit, right here. (Pajiba)