For real, does Posh Spice remind anyone else of Bruce McCullough's "Tammy" character from the Kids in the Hall? (The Blemish)

R. Kelly tries a defense so stupid, it makes the old ill-fitting glove tactic look brilliant. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Loahn spends time at the ER. Since when does a herpes outbreak constitute an emergency? (Seriously? OMG!)

Monchichi David and Butt Head David perform on the "Today" show. (CelebritySmack)

Condi Rice meets KISS? Is it just me or does this sounds like Scooby Doo stunt casting? (Agent Bedhead)

Angelina may have had the babies already. Then again, whose to say? (Celebslam)

If the Clay Aiken pregnancy story is fake, I will be devastated. (IBBB)

Britney Spears is still legally insane. (Celebitchy)

Aw, damn. I don't wanna hear this stuff about Bill Murray. (IDLYITW)

Sex and the City: A bunch of spayed cougars. (Pajiba)

Worthless (Adjective) Without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-(fucking) nothing. 

Look, kids! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are on vacation! Vacation from what, you ask? After the long, arduous hours they put in being completely useless to society, they've decided to spend a few days being absolutely fucking worthless to humanity.

Seriously: Do these two do anything? Don't they have a fucking job? Appearances to make? Some pointless product to pitch? Or does Heidi really spend her entire goddamn life sticking her ass out in the wind? Is that ass trying to catch a ride somewhere?

Has it ever even occurred to either one of them to do something productive with their motherfucking empty lives besides drink champagne and pilfer the sun's rays from someone more deserving, like Charles Manson or Satan? What a goddamn waste of carbon.

 

Asshat: (Noun) An extremely stupid person who has their head so far up their ass it's as if they're wearing their own ass as a hat.

You probably don't recognize this guy here, and really -- there's no reason why you should. He was the leading man in Paris Hilton's movie. No, not Rick Salomon -- Paris Hilton's other movie, The Hottie and the Nottie. I know this because I'm one of the ten people who actually saw it. True story.

Anyway, here is Joel Moore hamming it up and collecting some free swag at some MTV Movie Awards promotion event -- clearly one of the few venues where a celebrity of his caliber would feel welcome. Let's all point and laugh at him, shall we? Ha ha ha ha ha. Loser!

Halfbino (Noun) A person who is as pale as humanly possible without being genetically albino. 

Good God! Julianne. Those legs. Get some sun. Buy some spray paint. Do something -- you're going to blind someone with your pasty-whiteness.

Juuuust a Little Outside (Expression) Euphemism popularized by baseball announcer Bob Uecker in the film Major League to indicate that a pitch is no where fucking close to the plate.

Boozehound Television (Noun) Television programs specifically targeted toward inebriates and other drunkards. See also: Boozehound Cinephile.

Ka-ching! glug glug I love "Mad blurgle bwah Men! Woo hoo! And no! I'm not *glurg* drumk. I'm chemically inconvenienced. Nah! Im' drumkr than fuk!

Fibber: (Noun) Someone who tells lies, typically unimportant ones.

Last week when it was reported that Steven Tyler checked into Drew Pinsky's rehab, like most people I barely batted an eyelash, because I had much more pressing things to think about like which Lean Cuisine in the freezer I was gonna have for lunch. The Lemongrass Chicken or the Butternut Squash Ravioli? Decisions, decisions. So why did this story suddenly enter my realm of ridicule?

Steven Tyler has confirmed he checked into rehab earlier this month, but, contrary to speculation, the rocker says he was there to aid his recovery from a series of surgeries on his feet. "The ‘foot repair’ pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. (Source)

You know which "safe environment" I typically choose to recuperate after some kind of surgical procedure? My home, where I know no one is going to go rifling through my things and confiscating my Advil. But I'm sure rehab is great, too. Anyway, even if by some stretch of the imagination this is actually true, Steven Tyler saying he went to rehab for his foot is like me lying about going to the gynecologist for a toothache. Although if it's possible, Steven Tyler detoxing is even less scandalous than my routine pap smear.

From his Bigger and Blacker Tour:

I was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club. I'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing. It was about 1 a.m. I'm talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home. I don't mind the two kids at home, that's all good. But l'm like, ‘What the fuck are you doing in a club... at 1 a.m. in the fucking morning. On a Wednesday night? What the fuck are you doing here?'

Is it your birthday?
Did you get a raise?

Well, you got to get the fuck out. You go. I'm kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye! Go take care of them kids before they rob me in 15 years. You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can't get both on at the same time. I'm tired of this shit.

You hear that, Christina? Your kid or your groove.

Thug Misses (Noun) A female that is thugish yet still lady-like and carries herself with balance and knowledge of the streets and the home area. 

Who is this woman, and where can I send this lovely person a pair of pants?

WHAT THE FUCK: (Exclamation) No, really: WHAT THE FUCK???

So I get home from the gym yesterday evening, and turn on the old computer to be greeted with the headline, "Clay Aiken to be a Father." After slapping myself in the face repeatedly to make sure I didn't drop dead of a heart attack on the treadmill and went to gossip blogger heaven, I read on. So many questions! Who? How? Why? How again?! I'll let Us Weekly field these burning inquiries:

Idol Clay Aiken's producer is pregnant with his child, TMZ.com reports. Jaymes Foster (who is reportedly in her late 40s) was artificial inseminated with the 29-year-old singer's sperm, according to the report.

Aiken lives with Foster - described as his "best friend" - when he's in L.A. and plans to be involved with parenting their child.

Well of course if Clay Aiken was going to be a father it'd have to be freaky-deeky Michael Jackson turkey baster sex to some lesbian almost twice his age. Because you know the alternative is too horrific to even imagine. Step aside, pregnant man -- you are no longer of interest to me.

More of Clay promoting his new album which will only be purchased by women 50 and over:

Guess the nose picker!!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

MacGyvery no longer appealing to Patty and Selma. (Celebslam)

John Travolta displays even more douchebaggery than usual by defending a heavily suspected wife serial murderer. (The Blemish)

The Hogans discover that if life hands you turds, even if you brought those turds upon yourself, just fix yourself a delicious turd sandwich! (CelebritySmack)

Anderson Cooper likes redheads with big, beautiful eyes. (Ayyyy!)

Being a Brangelia Brat (TM, bitches!) sounds awesome. (Popbytes)

Tony Romo says to Jessica, "Why can't I quit you?" (FatbackMedia)

The Lohan sisters have a film of dirt on them not even OxyClean could touch. (IBBB)

HillDuff is so hot could could fry an egg on her butt. (Popoholic)

SATC fans got screwed, and not in the fun, sexy way like on SATC. (AgentBedhead)

Speaking of things Lohan, I bite the bullet to tell you all about their crappy new show. (Pajiba)

Oh, and in case you were wondering -- I'm actively ignoring Pete and Asslee's pregnancy announcement, which is why I haven't reported or linked it. Because I don't care if it's my job, I really do hate them and their stupid unborn baby, too.

Sixhead: (Noun) A tremendously large forehead. Bigger than a fivehead but not quite as large as an sevenhead.

Holy forehead! I mean... Holy, uh, forehead! Would you look at the size of that thing? Christina. Have I ever mentioned how much I liked you with bangs? Yes! Bangs! They're super easy, versatile, and keep small birds of flight from getting distracted by the glare and flying into your face.

Girl Next Door (Noun) A girl whom you always admired from afar and were afraid to approach, fearing that any erotic projection toward her would ruin her image as a decent, pure and almost virginal womanly ideal. Kind of a sexist archetype, but one that exist all the same.

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna ... You're cute. Adorable even. Everyone loves you. But come on: Know your limitations. No offense, but the over-the-shoulder eyes just don't work for you. You're the girl next door, not a vixious sex temptress. And there's nothing wrong with that -- just be your unbelievably cute self, right? This pose -- kind of embarassing, don't you think?

Now, this is more like it:

Spit it Out: (Phrase) What to say to someone who is withholding a secret, stuttering, or jawing a big, unattractive wad of gum in their mouth.

OK, seriously? Hey jackhole, you're at the premiere of your shitty new movie, the least you can do is spit out your damn gum. This whole, immature, frat boy, "I just don't know any better" act stopped being cute when you were like, thirty-five. For those who are counting, that was seven years and about a dozen shitty movies ago. This isn't "Saturday Night Live" anymore, no matter how many double-chinned, toupee-wearing, equally unfunny former cast members are here for it. For however many ungodly millions of dollars they're paying you by now to show up and make baby voices and funny faces into the camera, the least you can do is afford yourself some motherfucking class, you stupid goddamn turd.

Bullsh*t (Noun) A blatant lie; a flagrant untruth; an obvious fallacy. Lies, motherfucking lies.

Give. me. a. break. Batman doesn't drink fucking milk. That's bullshit. Milk is for emo douchebag ponces, like Spiderman. Batman drinks the blood of criminals. And then he washes it down with bourbon. This picture is obviously photoshopped. I demand a retraction.

Biblical: (Adjective) Slang term for knowing someone sexually.

Since "The Hills" have been off the air for like, three whole weeks now and the suffocating irrelevancy is starting to set in, Heidi Montag tells Us Magazine that Spencer Pratt wants to make an honest woman, er something, out of her.

"I'm ready to marry Spencer," the 21-year-old Hills star tells Us. "He's my soulmate." What changed? On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

"Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife,'" says Pratt.

Since Heidi is such an expert on the teachings of our Lord and Savior, I wonder what the bible has to say about breast implants and being a useless twat? Clearly I'm not the scholar Heidi is, but my uneducated guess is that those would fall under the "lust" and "pride" categories. Then again, since plastic surgery and reality TV weren't around when Jesus wrote the bible, how are we to know he wouldn't have written a clause in or something? Jesus was just a regular man after all, so I'm sure even he could appreciate big titties.

More of Heidi, Spencer, and Spencer's retarded Gorton's Fisherman beard being annoying at a baseball game:

Bwah!? (Exclamation) 1) A laugh with sarcastic undertones; 2) a variation on the word "what" used to illustrate a sense of confusion.

You're Welcome (Expression) A polite way to to respond to thanks. Implies that the other person is welcome to ask for any other favors.

Kicked to the Curb: (Phrase) To send your significant other packing.

Uh oh! It look like someone finally learned how to use the internet, huh Sarah? That's why I strictly forbid any of my boyfriends from even owning a computer, much less going online. My advice is look for a nice Amish boy. Sure, he may not "wear deodorant" or "have a drivers license," but on the bright side you'll never have to explain why you once ate a live scorpion on TV for money.

I know "Desperate Housewives" has really been sucking lately and her movie bombed, but has it really come to this for Eva Longoria? (Seriously? OMG!)

Ashlee Simpson makes sure she'll never get mistaken for a feminist. (Celebitchy)

Being willing to do it with any and all parties interested doesn't make Lindsay Lohan gay, it just makes her versatile. (Yeeeah!)

Heyoo! Jennifer Hudson's bosoms defy laws of gravity. (Ayyyy!)

Pete Wentz is a regular goddamn prop comedian. (Celebslam)

Jessica Simpson's new country song is available online for anyone who cares to listen, myself absofuckinglutely not included. (Celebrity Smack)

Beyonce looking like she's knocked up and straight off the set of "Good Times." (CelebWarship)

Speaking of, I can almost hear R. Kelly going, "DAMN, DAAMN, DAAAMN!" (The Blemish)

Somebody had a birthday party and somebody exposed her panties. The exciting reveal, here: (IDLYITW)

What. the. fuck. (Pretty on the Outside)

"The Paper's" Amanda Lorber gives me hope for the kids of today. (Pajiba)

Biohazard: (Noun) A risk to human health or the environment arising from biological work, esp. with microorganisms.

Holy capital "Y" Yuh-ikes. Put those things away, Samantha. There's no telling where your fingers have been.

Whirled Peace (Ice Cream Flavor) A world where rainbows, unicorns, warm fuzzies and Maggie's ice-cream inspired Smiles dominate. A place where I want to be. 

Glue Factory: (Noun) The place where old horses said to be sent once they're no longer valuable to society, presumably to be boiled down into adhesive.

Now isn't this precious. For the New York (and blessedly final) "pink carpet" premiere of Sex and the City, the catty whores coordinated their outfits for their big last Hurrah. Except, oopsie! Somebody forgot to tell the redhead! It's just like the last day of junior high all over again, when all your friends bought coordinated T-shirts to wear and no one let you in on the secret. Don't worry Cynthia, also just like in junior high, in a week no one will remember or give a shit about any of this. Enjoy the glory while you can, ladies.

Come the F*ck On (Expression) A more definite version of "Come On!" Used to show emphasis, said with indignation and disbelief. 

To all the pecker-obsessed, sexually insecure and unfulfilled gossip blogging assholes who, yesterday collectively went on a misogynistic rant about Jessica Biel and her lack of make-up, let me just put this in terms that the two tiny testicles rattling around in your brain can easily understand: Come the fuck on! Cosmetics or not, if she asked you to step out from behind your goddamn computer screen so she could spit a loogy in your direction, you'd throw yourself into her snot-filled saliva faster than Britney puts on 10 pounds and you'd drink a six-pack and masturbate afterwards to celebrate your good fortune. I mean, really: Get the fuck over yourselves until we see what you look like without makeup.

Jackasses.

 

Depression (Noun) A feeling which makes you think there is no hope, no way to survive, and no point in carrying on this charade you call a fucking life, often entails copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.

Kirsten Dunst, who checked out of rehab last year, is now coming out and hitting back at reports that she was in rehab for substance abuse.

"I didn't go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression ... depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about."

Uh huh. Is "depression" a new drink I haven't heard about? One of those cute blue numbers with an umbrella, a little straw, and about 120 proof? Cause I don't recall seeing a lot of pictures of Dunst crying into her beer -- she couldn't keep the fucking glass full long enough to cry into it. Maybe that's what I'll start calling it when, after a night of heavy drinking, I wake up in the morning with a head that pounds like Ron Jeremy's headboard, a mouth dryer than Sharon Stone's hoo-hah, and no will to live: Depression! You think I can get the day off of work for that?

And I know something even better than rehab to cure it -- it's called two aspirin and a Schlitz. And it's a lot cheaper than 30 days at the Cirque Lodge.

Office Romance: (Noun) A romance that occurs between two people who work together in the same office, work location, or business.

Jason Trawick, the poor man's Ted McGinley pictured here with Britney Spears, is her agent whom she is supposedly now dating. Normally I would advise against this, since her previous workplace romances (Kevin Federline, Adnan Ghalib) ended less than famously. But seeing that this guy doesn't have "stalking Britney Spears" or "doing the pop and lock" on his resume, and his face is refreshingly clean of any vaginal-like facial hair -- he seems, at the very least, a step in the right direction. So good for her, I say!

The Smeller is the Feller (Expression) Indicates that the one who initially smells a fart is the likely culprit who unleashed it. 

Heebie Jeebies: (Plural Noun) A state of nervous fear or anxiety; commonly associated with "the creeps" or "the willies." See also: Freak the Fuck Out.

John Mayer is very kinky, if you're an eighth grade girl, that is. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan wears a bikini and it appears that what the good men over at the boob job clinic giveth, God has taketh away. (The Blemish)

This is the closest that Britney will ever be to the cover of Vanity Fair. (IDLYITW)

And, apparently, Michael Lohan has outed his daughter. Nice. (Celebwarship)

It's gotten to the point that NSFW warnings need to be added for pictures of Amy Winehouse's face. (Celebrity Smack)

And speaking of Winehouse, what does she and a certain NASA astronaut have in common? Diapers, y'all. Diapers. (Celebslam)

Carmen Elektra + a stripper pole? That's marketing symbiosis. (Holy Moly)

For those of you who thought that Sanjaya Malakar was gone forever, think again. (*Sigh*) (Seriously? OMG!)

Circling Buzzards: (Phrase) Nature's symbolic grim reaper which occurs when scavenging birds start following an animal nearing imminent death.

Anybody smell that? Yep, that's the unmistakable stench of celebrity relationship death. Oh yeah, I give these two three months. Four months, tops.

Laying Pipe: (Verb) Something a plumber or oil worker might do as part of the job; also a thinly veiled euphemism for a guy having sex with a woman.

There is so much awesome here I don't even know where to begin. Did anyone know that A) Matthew McConaughey has a brother named B) "Rooster" McConaughey who is C) a total redneck that D) named his son "Miller Lyte" and is E) getting his own reality show?!

Black Gold (premiering June 18 on truTV) takes viewers inside the race to find oil in Texas. And while Rooster does not work on an oil rig, he supplies the pipes for the drills, which typically go down 10,000 feet below the earth’s surface. That’s a lot of pipe. (Source)

Holy crap I cannot wait for this. It sounds like the brotherly resemblance is uncanny.

More legendary McConaughey pipe-age here:

♦Boooring: (Adjective) Dull, repetitive, or tedious. Extra Os added emphasis.

Defying the odds, Gyllenspoon manage to bore us even more than they bore themselves.

Break Up Weight: (Noun) The unavoidable weight gain that comes with a several month-long timespan of crying into pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's.

You know what? eff you. If Ryan Reynolds dumped you, you'd gain a little weight, too, asshole. I admire her ability to even wake up in the morning. Good for you, Alanis.

 

Faker: (Noun) A person who appears or claims to be something that they are not.

Hmm... I still don't believe that this bitch is knocked up. Sure, so maybe she looks slightly fatter than usual in these photos, but I look more "pregnant" than this after a burrito and diet coke. Until Ashlee Simpson actually produces a baby, I'm gonna chalk up any protrusions or swelling in the abdominal area to chronic constipation.

Sharon Stone, you, sir, are an embarrassment to morons. May a brick of shit fall from a Boeing jet and land on your head, killing you instantly, you dimwitted doucheclown. 

A weekly reminder, for some of you, that you're now closer to the nursing home than you are to junior high. You gotta fight! For your right! To Midlife Crisis!

Exaggerating Asshole: An irritating or contemptible person who overcompensates trivial aspects of their life in a way which may be demeaning or insulting to others.

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident this weekend in which approximately $3000 of damage was done to her Mercedes. Given the coincidental nature of the incident, the smart and respectable thing to do here would have been shrink away with her tail between her legs and draw as little attention to herself as possible. But since Brooke Hogan is neither smart nor respectable, she posted the following in a (since deleted) myspace blog:

"I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves... As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight." (Source)

Take it from someone who has been in almost as many car accidents as years driving: you can literally bump into another car and have it cost $3 grand. And yet, although I have been in accidents which caused far more than $3000 damage in far less expensive vehicles -- I have never been in a remotely "bad" or "horrible" accident. A "horrible" accident is the kind where you sober up and get told that your passenger won't ever be able to eat mashed peas on his own accord again for the rest of his life. So what was I saying? Oh yeah: shut your stupid fucking face, Brooke.

More on Lindsay's lesbian gollum love. (The Blemish)

I'll give you a SATC spoiler... Hags sit around, drink and talk about fucking. (Celebitchy)

Lydia Hearst's Life Ball is like Halloween in May! (usemycomputer)

Oprah's Vaj... A-Hole? Gross. Do not want. (Yeeeah!)

What are Adrienne Curry, Christopher Knight, Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav and New York all doing together? I don't know either, but this can't be good. (Seriously? OMG!)

Accidentally mistaking Lindsay Lohan for Courtney Love is perhaps meaner than anything I've ever said about her. Kudos, anonymous fans. (Agent Bedhead)

Madonna subsists on nothing besides treadmills and water. (Celebslam)

Celine Dion's ambiguous, long-haired weird kid still creepy. (Ayyyy!)

Barista goes on covert ops mission to smuggle nutrients into Olsens. (CelebWarship)

Katherine "Killer of Rainbows" Heigl doing what she does best. (Popoholic)

Lesbinate (Verb) The act of two or more lesbians hooking up.

Smack Talk: (Verb) A competitive situation which involves verbally attacking your opponent or  opponent's family members; see also: Your Momma Jokes.

If you think the fracas between Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen is going to slow down anytime soon -- you've greatly overestimated the amount of maturity two seemingly rational adults should possess. This week? Denise airs her dirty laundry to Page Six! Whee!

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.

Not to be outdone by cancer wishes, Denise goes on to address the alleged emails in which she is said to have requested Charlie's sperm:

Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

Clearly, Denise Richards must be over Charlie Sheen if she's telling all this to a tabloid newspaper. OK, since obviously neither of these two have any business being within 50 feet of children, much less parenting them, here's my verdict: Full custody to Kevin Federline. Nothing helps a person get their shit together faster than giving the young'uns to K Fed. It's like saying Oscar the Grouch would be a better parent than you are. See? If you can't force somebody to be a responsible parent, you can always shame them.

These poor, poor children:

Woo Woo (Exclamation) The sound a train makes as it travels toward Georgia, around midnight. 

Hmph. Who knew? For those who don't watch "American Idol," here's a clip actually worth watching from the show -- Robert Downey, Jr. as a Pip! I'm there (even if it also means subjecting yourself to the hilariously unfunny stylings of Ben Stiller). Woo Woo. And for Jack Black, it's the coolest thing he's done since "Sexual Healing," in High Fidelity. I mean, really: What's cooler than being a Pip?

Nothing. That's what.

Winklet (Verb) To wink a fashion that makes you look as though you are either retarded, having a spasm or seizure, or simply incapable of a full wink.

 

Magnificent: (Adjective) Impressively beautiful, elaborate, or extravagant; striking.

How fracking awesome did Michelle Williams look at Cannes? I probably wouldn't love this dress as much on anyone else, but she's always had that whole old-timey elegance going on with her flapper hair and everything -- and she just owns it. Good for her. She'll always be the best thing that came from "Dawson's Creek." Hear that? Yeah, suck it Katie.

More of Michelle at the Wendy and Lucy premiere (about a woman and her dog! Squee!!):

Crazy as a Sh*thouse Rat (Expression) Deranged or demented behavior that others deem similar to that of a rodent that dwells in a wood shithouse.

... also, awesome!

 

Mom. Mee. (Exclamation) Used to express fear in the face of something creepy horrotious, usually said in a high-pitched voice and often preceded by "Please" or "Help Me."

 

Golden Girl: (Noun) An elderly woman sharing a home in Miami, after having traveled down the road and back again; her heart is true -- she's a pal and a confidant.

It's about damn time we saw Madonna in something age appropriate. you know, something Sophia Petrillo or Barbara Bush would approve of -- with none of that unseemly arm or neck skin showing. Blech! It's perfect for an evening at the cinema or just playing bridge with the ladies. Fashionable and versatile!

You know what happens when Madonna forgets to wear a bra? You go blind. (Celebslam)

C Thomas Howell remarkably somehow even less convincing as a woman than as a black man. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kristen Davis is a recovering alcoholic, which means all those Cosmos she drinks on SaTC? Lies. Damn lies. (IDLYITW)

R. Kelly's winning defense: "It wasn't me!" (Holy Moly)

Denise Richards is doing a reality show to support her children, because with the rising cost of gas, the $50K in alimony and child support she receives per month just doesn't stretch as far as it used to. (The Blemish)

What's worse than getting dumped for a younger, prettier woman? Getting dumped for an older, uglier woman. (Yeeeah!)

Jenna Jameson wants to finally do something productive with her vagina. (Celebwarship)

Keanu & Winona? Winkanu? That's what they're saying. (Celebrity Smack)

Jodie Foster! You dog, you! (Celebitchy)

A Highlander remake? Yup. (Pajiba)

Asshole Patrol: (Noun) A group of assholes sent to carry out a reconnaissance mission to spread the message of assholery to the world.

Musician? Ha! (Noun) Refers to someone with absolutely no musical talent who nevertheless pretends to be a musician. Should be said with a loud, indignant guffaw. 

Scarlett Johansson. Musician? Ha! Record all the shitty albums you want, go on a goddamn World Tour, carry a guitar, and flaunt your cleavage in every motherfucking music magazine in publication, you will never be any more of a musician than Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. You're just a fucking album cover. That's it.

Beat: (Adjective) Completely exhausted and rough looking; tired.

Jesus H Christ. If Lindsay Lohan is the hardest looking 21 in Hollywood than Ali Lohan is the hardest looking 14 in the history of ever. Is it just me or does she look like she's had major work done to her face recently? I'm no expert on this kind of stuff but her lips are definitely plumped, her cheekbones look unnaturally pronounced and like her eyes look wider or something. This is just sick. In the history of horrible mothers, Dina Lohan will end up ranking somewhere between Andrea Yates and the Prom Mom who had her baby in the toilet. As least the toilet baby almost had a chance at a normal life.

Below, from left to right: In Malibu July 2007, at the High School Confidential screening on March 5, and yesterday at fuse's "The Sauce."

Cobwebs (Noun) Used to describe a post-menopausal, dried-up hoo-ha, which -- because of the crazy-lady it's attached to -- hasn't seen much action in a while. 

For reasons beyond any mere man's comprehension, Sharon Stone thinks it's a good idea to go sailing without her underdrawers. This is a poor idea, on every level. I warn you against clicking on the thumbnail below -- if you look closely, you can probably see the cobwebs. But look too closely, you may lose your eyesight. Permanently.

Q-Ball: (Noun) Slang for a bald head on a white man; named for the ball in billiards.

Cameron Diaz is seen here on the set of her latest project, My Sister's Keeper, in which she plays a mother to a child with Leukemia who shaves her head in support. So as much as I'd like to make a lame Britney Spears or Mr. Clean joke -- I am going to demonstrate an uncharacteristic display of class and self restraint by not doing so. And if this means I have to go make fun of some retarded kids later to balance out my "asshole karma," then so be it.

And what red-blooded woman hasn't fantasized of doing this at some point, anyway:

Indy Fatigue (Noun) Refers to the pervasive sense of blah that has gripped some since the promotion for Indiana Jones IV began, seemingly some six years ago. 

The great thing about the first three installments of the Indiana Jones movies is that they were all made over 19 years ago or longer, which means that growing up, we didn't have to deal with Indy ubiquity. Now, you can't turn on your computer, the television, open a magazine, or floss your goddamn teeth without being slapped in the face with Indiana Jones promotions. The first time I saw the trailer for The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I felt all those childhood feelings return -- it was a nice warm bath of Indy. Now, it feels like I'm being dunked -- water-tortured by Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Shia LaBeouf. It needs to stop.

The movie opens today, and to tell you the truth, I'm already kind of sick of it. I'm sure, over the weekend, during the two hours while I'm actually watching the movie, I'll enjoy the hell out of it. But otherwise, I think I'm ready to move on to complete and all-encompassing Sex and the City fatigue already. Thank you very much.

 

Sarcastic Oh Em Gee! (Exclamation) Means: I could not give any less of a shit. Should be said in a loud burst, while rolling eyes. 

Though I managed to avoid a single second of "American Idol" this year, I still woke up this morning with more news stories devoted to last night's season winner than there were to the gas crisis, the earthquake in China, and the tragedy in Myanmar. Apparently, a guy named David won -- either a scruffier looking David or a teeny-bopper looking David. I can't tell. Nor do I give a shit.

In fact, glancing over one of the articles, it seems that all that the "acerbic" judge Simon Cowell could muster was a sarcastic Oh Em Gee! himself, revealing last night, "For the first time ever, I don't care who wins."

That's the spirit, Simon. I don't care, either. In fact, I don't care if the show and all its winners (save for Kelly Clarkson -- she's a firecracker) fell into a deep dark well and we're eaten by barracudas, which is how most of them sound when they attempt to sing, anyway.

Death to Idol!

Sticker Shock: (Noun) Shock experienced by the potential buyers of a particular product on discovering its high or increased price.

Christina Aguilera gave an interview in the latest issue of Us Weekly in which she revealed that her hooters are a whopping size E-cup. Now I've seen the photos of old Funbags Molloy recently, and hearing those puppies are a size "E" shouldn't surprise me -- yet strangely it does, in the same way you'd look at a Aston Martin and know its expensive but still be taken aback at the price tag. Keeping in mind however, that Christina Aguilera is not even 5 foot 2 inches tall, the only conceivable way she should have an E-cup is if she weighed over 400 pounds. Just like the only way anyone should pay over $100 grand for a stupid car is if they can live it in and have it college educate their children.

Seriously. No, I mean seriously seriously:

As far as political protest goes, you can hardly beat a flying penis. Pun, unfortunately, intended.  (Holy Moly)

Joss Stone swaps spit with a chick. (IDLYITW)

Fergie not only massacres a Heart classic, but she's not particularly appropriate for morning audiences. (Yeeeah!)

McSteamy gets a McBuzzcut. (Seriously? OMG!)

Blake Lively is the latest celebrity to engage in the controversial act of swimming in a bikini. (The Blemish)

Nicole Kidman takes naked pregnancy photos for the yearbook. (Celebitchy)

Rachel Leigh Cook was once All That; now she's just that. (Usemycomputer)

For those of you who want to simulate the exciting life of a paparazzi, now there's a video game! (Glitterati Gossip)

Nth Degree: (Phrase) An immeasurable or utmost amount of something.

Ashlee Simpson's not at all sham marriage to Pete Wentz which took place this past weekend in the top secret, super discreet location of "The Simpson family backyard" has made it to the cover of People magazine in less than four days! Wowzers! It's almost as if this whole thing wasn't not totally for publicity!

Between the poor bulldog dressed up as ring bearer, and the his or her matching eyeliner and bangs -- I don't even know where to begin with this. It's perhaps more annoying and lame than any other Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz collaboration we've seen thus far. Mathematicians could study this for centuries and still come up with no finite amount of retarditude.

Droool (Verb) Refers to the leaking of saliva from one's mouth, often exacerbated by nicely airbrushed promotional posters of pretty people. The extra "o" gives it an onomatopoeic sound.

 

Drool Napkin (Noun) Refers to a hideous person or image capable of immediately halting one's droool.

 

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV: (Catchphrase) Popularized in 1986 by "The Young and the Restless" star Peter Bergman, it serves as a catchall legal disclaimer by basically saying, “Consult with your physician before using this product.”

Dylan McDermott has filed for divorce from his wife of 13 years, Shiva Rose, citing irreconcilable differences. This isn't something I'd usually post, since no one gives a crap about Dylan McDermott anymore. However it actually gets somewhat interesting in that McDermott, who is famous for his role on "The Practice," is going to be representing himself in court.

Yeah, OK Bobby Donnell. Just because you played a lawyer on TV doesn't mean you're equipped to be a real lawyer. There's a reason why people go to school and develop drinking problems for that. And besides, the way I see it is since you're not... oh, say... representing your wife in a murder trial for killing her stalker, I can't see any way "The Practice" would have in any way prepared you for this sort of affair.

This pair of buttocks belongs to an actress partially responsible for the popularity of geek chic; she attended the Tisch School of Arts before hitting it big (though she never finished) and, in 2005, Jane Magazine named her as one of the 11 people you'd most like to see naked.

Name that ass. The answer, after the cut.

Happily Ever After: (Colloquial) A storybook ending involving two people happily married, usually with children.

Jessica Alba, who is approximately eight months pregnant, married her boyfriend Cash Warren at the Beverly Hills courthouse on Monday.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds. (Source)

From what I've gathered, usually at these sort of affairs Prince Charming is wafting Southern Comfort on his breath and isn't even wearing a shirt with sleeves. So I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but to me this sounds about as close as you can get to a fairy tale wedding without a pumpkin that turns into a giant coach and mice that turn into coachmen.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren (not pictured) at the Celebration of Mentoring last night:

Regression: (Noun) A return to a former or less developed state.

Jesus wept. It's like Angelina Jolie took everything that was awesome about her first Cannes premiere ensemble, and did the complete opposite for her second Cannes premiere ensemble. Pompadour hair, check. Unflattering color, check. (Who wears beige under 65? Tell me! Who?!) Burlap bag shaped dress that not only does not show off her awesome preggos bazooms but adds 50 pounds in a matter of five days? Check, check and check. Oh Angie, were you even listening to a word I said? Because I don't dole out the compliments often, you really shouldn't take them for granted.

More of (((sigh))) Angelina and that guy who knocked her up at the Changeling premiere:

Heather Mills is writing a lifestyle book -- I hope she knows that the title How to Lose Friends and Alienate People is already taken. (Celebitchy)

Paula Abdul sober, even for one day? MY ASS. (Seriously? OMG!)

Spencer Pratt is as generous as he is handsome! (The Blemish)

Angelina and Brad should just name the twins Frick and Frack. (Yeeeah!)

Steve Carell will pretty much act in anything. And here I thought he was trolling for Oscars in Evan Almighty. (Daily Stab)

Samantha Ronson could use a hot shower and a change of clothes. (IBBB)

Christina Ricci in a floor length black gown? Hmmmm... FAIL. (usemycomputer)

Will Smith needs to come out the Scientology closet already. (Celebslam)

Ashlee and Pete's wedding invitations predictably lame and gothy. (CelebWarship)

The least fucked up member of the Hogan Family is losing it. (CrazyDays&Nights)

I'm Mr. Plow, that's my name -- that name again is Mr. Plow! (Pajiba)

NO: (Exclamation) Used to give a negative response.

The only way Jude Law could sink any lower is if he were fucking the Titanic. OK, dumb joke. How about the oldest living survivor of the Titanic, who I'm pretty sure is now dead so he'd have to exhume the body and go to town on her rotting corpse? Yeah, I know -- after seeing him make out with Kim Stewart the shock value is pretty much lost to me, too.

Fucking gross:

Uncanny: (Adjective) Strange or mysterious, esp. in an unsettling way.

As you can see, Liv Tyler is campaigning to take over for Heath Ledger in the next Batman Begins movie; making her the very first candidate for a female Joker. That is of course, if the Joker doesn't die at the end of this one. What? No! I'm not saying that's what happens! I have no idea if he dies or not, OK? So get off my damn case, you fanboy spoiler nerds.

Full-Figured (Adjective) According to the dictionary, full-figured refers to a woman having an amply proportioned or heavy body, but, judging by "America's Top Model" supposed "full-figured" winner Whitney Thompson, it means: Average-sized, well-proportioned, and healthy.

 








 

Hunky-fucking-Dory: (Adjective) Doing fine; going well; swimmingly.

After his last realtionship with Kate Hudson ended, well, less spectacularly -- Owen Wilson has found a healthy way to deal with their most recent break-up, the way any red-blooded Stallion of Butterscotch would: with strippers and booze! YEAH!!

But after the on-again, off-again lovebirds broke up this month for the second time, Wilson merely headed straight for a Philadelphia strip club last Thursday and partied with a topless Hudson look-alike.

"He spent 4 1/2 hours at Rick's Cabaret and was in an upbeat mood," one spy said. "He watched the Flyers game, drank beer, and when a parade of 75 half-naked girls caught his eye, he asked for dances from several and definitely had a preference for blondes. He tipped at least one with a $100 bill." (Source)

That's great and all... But I grew up around Philly, and I've even been to strip clubs in Philly. And those closest thing you're going to come to a Kate Hudson look-alike in a Philadelphia strip club is a Courtney Love look-alike. But hey, as long as he's drowning his sorrows with a bunch of Revlon-blonde, big-tittered skanks instead of a bottle of sleeping pills and a gallon of vodka, who am I to ruin his fun healing?

Feets Don't Fail Me Now: (Phrase) Exclamation uttered by someone making a hasty getaway.

Katie Holmes is finally getting the hell out of dodge! After much speculation, it's been confirmed that Holmes has signed onto the Broadway revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons this fall. Now that she's finally making her big escape, let's hope she has more sense than my dog when she sneaks out of the house -- who, for all intents and purposes -- rolls around in the nearest available animal feces before showing up at a neighbor's house for me to come get her. Note to Katie: don't look back -- no matter how tempting that deer spoor smells. Born freeee... As freeee as the wind blows...

More of Katie-bot and her owner at the Costume Gala:

Please help save the endangered Britney Spears! (Yeeeah!)

Aww, here's a nice story: Sulu is finally getting his dream gay wedding! (Seriously? OMG!)

If Dina Lohan is reading all the shit we say about her on the internet yet still hasn't gone into hiding or killed herself, then she truly must be off her rocker. (The Blemish)

Perez Hilton is still fat. Let's all point and laugh! Whee! (Celebslam)

I hear the Praying Mantis is all about Posh Spice's new jeans. (Ayyyy!)

Heidi Montag plans to fake a pregnancy for publicity. Too late! Been done. (Celebitchy)

Huh. When I think of the List of Things I'd Do If I Were a Supermodel, "Stalk Sean Penn" doesn't even break the top one thousand.  (CelebWarship)

Angelina Jolie has got her very own Amy Winehouse drug tape. (CelebritySmack)

How does Gillian Anderson just keep getting hotter and hotter with age? (Popoholic)

The new Prince Caspian movie is Narni-meh. (Pajiba)

Fuck a Duck: (Exclamation) Expression of anger, surprise or disgust.

You know, I never did really understand this old expression before. But when I think about how totally pissed Heather Mills is gonna be when she finds out this duck lied about being the wealthy heir to Donald, it suddenly kind of makes sense.

The answer, after the cut.

Facsimile: (Noun) An exact copy.

Meet Ben Barnes. Ben is the relatively unknown star of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, which debuted at No. 1 this weekend, pulling in approximately $56.6 million.

Somewhere, Jared Padalecki is out there silently weeping.

Thanks for nothing, assholes.

Brass Ones: (Noun) Another words for "brass balls," possessed by someone with extreme courage or audacity, usually undeserved.

Woody Allen's upcoming film, Vicky Christina Barcelona premiered at Cannes this weekend -- but noticeably missing from the event was Allen's muse Scarlett Johansson, who was left home after the studio refused to give into her diva-like demands.

Johansson demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant at a cost of 5,000 Euros a day, which was felt a tad too much for a four day trip where looking after the star's tresses and powdering her nose would cost a total of 20,000 Euros.

Then there was the problem over an hotel. The film's director and his leading ladies were delighted to be staying in the centre of Cannes to make it easier for them to attend screenings, public events and to do interviews for TV and press. Johansson wanted to be at an hotel way out in the sticks, some 25 to 30 miles away.

"Also, I think, while Woody's terribly fond of Scarlett, he was a little upset that she wasn't being a team player", an executive connected to the film told the Daily Mail. (Source)

Nothing like throwing a big "fuck you" to the legendary director who pulled you out of indie obscurity and aided in large part to your mainstream film success. Let's not forget, Scarlett dear, it was just two years ago that Lindsay Lohan was working with Robert fucking Altman -- and now she can't even hold down a part in a Jack Black movie called Ye Old Times. In fact, at this point she should be considered lucky if she could get a job at Medieval Times. Think about that. And I can't think of a more perfect rack to be squeezed into one of those Renaissance corsets, either. Tick, tock. Tick, tock...

Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall and those who could fucking make it to the premiere:

Raising Arizona (Metaphor) This term, inspired by the Coen Brothers film, refers to the process by which certain people -- unable to procreate naturally -- take a shortcut toward parenthood by kidnapping another family's child. Also called Insta-Family. 

Gangrenous Spouse (Noun) Refers to a celebrity's pre-famous relationship with a spouse who , like a gangrenous limb, eventually atrophies and breaks off as the celebrity realizes he or she can do much, much better, e.g. Johnny Knoxville's wife or the pregnant wife of "Ugly Betty's" Eric Mabius (above), who doesn't yet realize that she won't be able to trap him into the relationship by having his baby. 

I've Made a Huge Mistake: (Catchphrase) Popularized by Gob Bluth's character on "Arrested Development," typically spoken under one's breath when realizing an error in judgment.

Ashlee Simpson, who may or may not be four months pregnant, married Pete Wentz in an "intimate" ceremony (read: in the backyard of her parents house) this weekend. It's tough to pinpoint exactly who has made the bigger mistake here, so I'll hand it over to People who made the following Freudian slip:

Simpson, who sources say is pregnant with the couple's first child, and Wentz, the bassist for Fall Out Boy, have been linked since the fall of 2006, when they were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. They announced their engagement last month.

This is the first marriage for both.

...Aaaand many more! We wish a hearty congratulations to the new couple, and at least nine months of wedded hell before their inevitable quiet, yet messy divorce. Mazel tov!

Because I'm mentally like, eight -- hee hee hee! Gwyneth is leaking BOOB JUICE! (Jezebel)

Guess who got hair extensions? Btw, I totally guessed right, which brought me much more satisfaction than it reasonably should have. (Seriously? OMG!)

I'll give you one guess what the main reason for the end of Jessica Simpson's relationship with Tony Romo was, and it rhymes with Blow Gimps Him. (The Blemish)

Speaking of Blow Gimps Him, guess who lucky guy Pete Wentz got to spend his bachelor party with? And there weren't even any Hot Cops there to ease the pain. (Celebitchy)

Oh, joy. Owen Wilson suicide watch, take two! (Yeeeah!)

Gillian Anderson does an uncanny "I Love Lucy." (usemycomputer)

Who would rather watch have sex? Britney and Adnan or your parents? OK, that's not even fair -- how about Britney and Adnan, or your parents doing anal? (IDLYITW)

If you're Jack Black, a giant costumed panda is as good a comedy prop as anything. (BWE)

Riddle me this: what's brown, bleached, tattooed, ripped and wearing a bikini? (Celebslam)

Eh, I'll watch paint dry for two hours if Lee Pace is there. (Pajiba)

TGISimmons: (Abbreviation) Short for 'Thank God it's Simmons!'

Because it's Friday, and I can't think of a better reason to celebrate TGISimmons. If an old man in a purple tank top with hearts made out of rhinestones on it can't put a smile on your face, you're a lying asshole who hates smiling.

Weirdassaery (Adjective) Refers to the actions of one who is both weird and assy.

 

Mission abort! Mission abort!

Omen: (Noun) An event regarded as a portent of good or evil.

If rain on your wedding day is supposed to be good luck, then what does rain on the first New Kids on the Block performance since 1994 mean? Other than the obvious, of course, which would be a couple thousand 30-year-old fat chicks smelling like wet dog.

Gobsmack (Verb) To unexpectedly hit someone in the mouth.

 









 

Apocofart (Noun) A high-pitched, piercing flatulent noise that will actually end all life on the planet, before blowing the Earth into complete oblivion.

There is only one way to trigger an apocofart: Casting both Fran Drescher and Rosie O'Donnell in the same television sitcom. The end is nigh, folks.

Fran Drescher will be co-starring with Rosie O’Donnell in a new television show, the details of which are still under wraps, but O’Donnell says it will be about three best friends. (Source)

My advice: Do what I'm going to do -- self-inflicted water torture, disembowelment and a shotgun blow to the face; it's the only way to prepare yourself for pain of this magnitude.

Cougarfight: (Noun) An altercation between two old ladies, typically involving scratching, hair-pulling; usually involving competition between two or more women.

When I first saw these photos of the German premiere of Sex and the City, I was like, great, another one of these fucking things, and it hasn't even premiered in America yet. But then I read this story that says how supposedly Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker can't stand each other (I so called that!) and suddenly things became interesting. Oh, please God, if you let these bitches throw down on the pink carpet I promise I will never ask for anything ever again. I could be 65 and dying of brain cancer and I'll think, nope I already had God pull that favor for me when His will caused Kim Cattrall to pull Sarah Jessica Parker's hair out after she threw a Manolo Blahnik at Kim's head that time.

Pregnancy Bird (Noun) What you flip when you're on the brink of giving new life to the world, your feet are swollen, your exhausted from carrying around a human inside of you, and those motherfucking photographers won't leave you the fuck alone.

Full (Adjective) Containing or holding as much as possible; having no empty space.

You may have heard by now that Angelina Jolie's due date for the twins was revealed yesterday thanks to another one of her chucklehead co-stars, and that the babernauts are set to drop on August 19th. And, these photos here were taken from the Cannes premiere of her new movie Kung Fu Panda yesterday. Counts fingers... So how many months gestation is it for human twin babies? Eighteenish?

At any rate, I uncharacteristically have to say that Angelina is looking quite radiant and happy in her knocked up state, not to mention that shade of green really suits her -- much better than her usual "Gargamel Black," anyway. See, Angie? Color and babies you make yourself. It's not that scary after all.

Tons more photos, because really -- she looks fantastic, doesn't she guys?

Mariah Carey can clear a bathroom with the ease of a thousand Uncle Tonys. (Yeeeah!)

Britney Spears might be headed for a permanent slot on HIMYM. (Seriously? OMG!)

One of these days the skin around Christina Aguilera's implants is gonna give and it's gonna be like sitting front row at a "Gallagher" performance. (Popoholic)

Ashlee Simpson wedding coverage? Can we just not and say we did? (Celebitchy)

Breaking! Britney Spears carrying Mel Gibson's love child! (The Blemish)

Blake Lively looks good in a bikini even when she's sitting down and leaning forward. Bitch. (Celebslam)

Madonna's going to build a multimillion-dollar school in Malawi, presumably to teach underprivileged girls how to act whorey well into their golden years. (Holy Moly!)

Didn't you know? Side-boob is the new butt-cleavage. (Ayyyy!)

Now how can we lure all the Scientologists back onto this boat? (Agent Bedhead)

Charlize sizzles in W magazine. (CelebritySmack)

Cate Blanchett looks amazing at Cannes just four weeks after giving birth. (Socialite's Life)

"Beauty and the Geek" is all poindextered out. (Pajiba)

Half-Baked: (Adjective) Not fully thought through; lacking a sound basis.

Let's see... I get the cages. I get the egg-shaped protest signs. But why are they in bikinis again? Oh yeah, because PETA are a bunch of fucking idiots who are completely incapable of getting their points across without them being presented by naked or scantily clad retards. Ooh, nudity... Shocking! A hundred bucks says those are paid actresses, too.

I'm not gonna lie. I buy all natural, free-range brown hippie eggs that come packaged in biodegradable cardboard. But the dumbassery being presented here makes me want to run out to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy the whitest, most hormone injected chicken placenta in styrofoam containers and go find these dumb bitches and egg the motherloving shit out of them. Another fine job done by PETA!

Menage a Tweety (Noun) Household for three; an arrangement where a married couple and a Tweety Bird live together while sharing sexual relations.

Celebrity Couple Nickname: (Phrase) Craze started by "Bennifer" involves the mishmashing of the names of a celebrity couple to create one catchy, tabloid-friendly nickname. See: TomKat, Brangelina and Panettimigliapedophilia.

Because nothing quite trivializes the budding romance of two well known people like giving them a celebrity couple nickname -- Us Magazine is on the hunt for the perfect nickname for John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston. Awesome! We'll teach them to think they could have a dignified, mature relationship!

You can vote for choices like AniMay, Johnifer, Johniston, Maynnifer -- and although I give them props for "Anister" for sounding like a part of the rectal anatomy -- my personal opinion is that it should be Mayeriston, which I came up with on my own thank you very much. That's right: Mayeriston, people. You heard it here first.

No Fucking Way: (Exclamation) Impossible; completely unimaginable to be true.

Guess what guys?

No really, you're never going to believe this...

OK, ready? Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With TWINS!! I know, right? Crazy!

Yeah, so anyway... When I saw the headline late yesterday, I was like, what -- did I get caught in a time warp and sent back to February of 2008 or something? But no, apparently Jack Black let it slip yesterday in a joint-interview to promote their upcoming movie, Kung Fu Panda. I always assumed Brad Pitt was the father, but hey, whatever rocks your socks Angelina. Congratulations to the happy couple!

More of the Jolie Whisperer promoting Kung Fu Panda:

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo broke up. Maybe. I mean, they could have. But then again ... (IDLYITW)

However, Jake and Reese are definitely going to get married. Someday. Probably. (Celebrity Smack)

F'get the dress, what is up with Janet Jackson's boobs? (Seriously? OMG!)

Is there an illegitimate Beyoncelet running around loose somewhere? (Yeeeah!)

Yet another London celebrity forgets to wear a shirt. Come on -- how hard it is to put on clothes when you leave the house? (Celebslam)

Heroin and crack. Two great tastes that taste great together. (The Blemish)

What? Huh? Colonel Angus causes mouth cancer! (Offsprung)

So, that whole Shia Labeouf drunken Walgreens scene -- yeah, it was all about zit cream. (Celebitchy)

Here's your lunch-hour underwater fantasy. (YBNBY)

I didn't think that last week's "The Office" was that bad. (The Watcher)

OMG! OMG! OMG! Thank goodness, both "Supernanny" and "Wife Swap" were renewed another season. (Pajiba)

Redundant: (Adjective) No longer needed or useful; superfluous.

Maxim's Hot 100 List debuted today, and the results somehow manage to be even less surprising and gratifying than receiving a Santa Claus sweater with buttons on the shoulder from your Great Aunt Edna at Christmas. Not that I expect much from a men's magazine that caters to meatheads -- but the women featured, including Tila Tequila, (100) Heidi Montag, (36) Britney Spears, (19) and Vanessa Hudgens (12) are so predictable and redundant it's even kind of an insult to meatheads. Take a whiff of the top ten:

10. Ashley Tisdale
9. Lindsay Lohan
8.Christina Aguilera
7. Eva Mendes
6. Elisha Cuthbert
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar
4. Eva Longoria
3. Jessica Biel
2. Scarlett Johansson
1. Marissa Miller

So what have we learned? The "Maxim" man likes big-boobed, blond-haired, big-boobed women who aren't especially bright, wear a lot of makeup and are often seen naked; and don't completely object to having to scrub off a coat of grime or picking up an STD. Brilliant. What's the next big revelation, oh wise and prophetic Maxim? That men like football and beer? Please, tell me more of your sagacious revelations into the male psyche!

Geek Babe: (Noun) Either a beautiful woman who is a geek or is worshiped by geeks.

So damn hot. How many women can rock a pair of horn-rimmed glasses like Chloe Sevigny? I tried once, and some kid on a bicycle threw a rock at me. That little fucker had surprisingly good aim for being only six, too.

This has absolutely nothing to do with celebrity gossip, and it's also about 30 years old. But I thought of it late last night, and couldn't stop giggling. Most of you have probably already seen it dozens of times, but it's one of those clips that, inexplicably, never stops being funny. Ever. 

Repeat: (Verb) To say or do the same thing again.

Britney Spears and Repeat got into a Mercedes. Britney Spears had a collision with the vehicle in front of her and got out. Who was left?

Yes, again.

Sad: (Adjective) Pathetically inadequate or unfashionable.

Despite the fact that Jennie Garth has now been cast for the "90210" spin-off, Tori is once again telling anyone who'll listen that she wants to be on the show. Yeah, we know.

“Jennie is already on board for the series and we have been in touch about it. I would love to see our characters Kelly and Donna together again and get the chance to work with my friend again.”

“It was always my dad’s dream and intention to make a new 90210 before he passed, so I know he is proud and he would be even more proud if I were a part of it,” said Spelling, 34, of her father, TV producer Aaron Spelling. “I truly hope for the fans’ sake that it all works out!”

A rep for the CW told PEOPLE, “At this point, there is nothing to report.” (Source)

Tori Spelling is like the fat kid picked last in gym class who is tragically oblivious to her massive and crippling shortcomings. So it probably doesn't help that her dad used to be the gym teacher and forced the other kids to be nice to her and let her on the team. But now her dad's dead and all she's left with is a husband she met on a "Lifetime" movie who thought she was going to inherit millions and some creepy dog she dresses up in baby clothes. And there's nothing funny about that, except maybe when she throws all her weight into a kick and misses the kickball completely and falls down. I'm only human, dammit.

Heidi Klum without the benefit of an airbrush artiste. (IDLYITW)

Frankentummy take vacation. Walk on beach. Ngggggggg. (Celebslam)

What's worse than a sequel to Donnie Darko? Arcade Fire is inexplicably scoring it. (Pitchfork)

Hey Britney! You're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Britney! (Yeeeah)

Aniston fakes it? (Celebitchy)

Hayden Panettiere likes it Jolie-style. (Celebrity Smack)

Patrick the Angry Viewer goes ballistic on your ass. (Patrick the Angry Viewer)

"Reaper" lives another season; CW allows it 13 more episodes to continue to suck. (Seriously? OMG!)

Because all you could think about today was porking Shatner. (The Blemish)

Kids these days continue to suck. (Offsprung)

Petulant Little Bitch (Noun) Unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered little bitch.

Isaiah Washington, homophobic douchewand, is suing the producers of "Grey's Anatomy" because, even though he's no longer part of the show, they used an image of him in a newspaper clipping on the show to reveal that his character had won a prestigious award, which apparently had an effect on two of the characters. Obviously, NBC and "Greys" own Isiah's character, but he's claiming that they had no right to use his picture without his permission. He wants financial compensation.

What a petulant. little. bitch. Give me a break -- Isiah Washington should be so lucky that anyone would even bother giving him the goddamn exposure, what with his career having the half-life of Darmstadtium -- if the "Grey's" producers want to compensate him, give the asshole a cookie and tell him not to let the door hit his ass on his way out of Hollywood. 

Fiscal Year: (Noun) A year as reckoned for taxing or accounting purposes.

In an episode airing today, Mariah Carey went on "Ellen" to talk about her marriage and told the talk show host that husband Nick Cannon wants to get married every year.

"His plan is to have one [wedding] every year," newlywed Mariah Carey told Ellen DeGeneres. "Instead of trying to be like, 'You're invited, but shhh, don't tell anybody,' we're just going to have another one [wedding] next year," Carey said. (Source)

Ahhh. So now it makes sense. Quite the budding entrepreneur, that Nick Cannon. But who is he gonna find to marry next year even richer than Mariah fucking Carey? Oprah? If he's feeling particularly ambitious, he could always try knocking up a Spears woman. That'll pay for the yacht and the summer home.

Mariah performing at Time's 100 Most Influential People event:

Bad Ass (Noun) The severe extreme of maxed out coolness, total disregard for all things weak; a person who defines supreme confidance, nearly divine abilty, and a frequent disregard for authority.

And more images from Frank Miller's The Spirit:

Indecent Exposure: (Noun) The crime of intentionally showing one's sexual organs in public.

Is it just me or is this borderline against the law? Between all the cameltoe and moose knuckle going on here you could damn near build a whole new species of animal.

Thought Bubble: (Noun) The device which lets a comic book character's thoughts be heard by readers; or more commonly what a person doesn't say but is really thinking.

Anyone wanna take a gander at what Kim Catrall's thought bubble would be saying here? I can't say to a scientific certainty, but I'm guessing it would involve the phrase "upstaging bitch" and something along the lines of shoving Sarah Jessica Parker's hat up her ass and then setting her on fire.

The rest of the old biddies:

Madonna drops the F-bomb; rock enormous armpit veins. Yikes. (Yeeeah!)

Guess what Affleck regrets most about Bennifer? Spoiler: it's not Gigli! (Seriously? OMG!)

We can check off one of the Pussycat Dolls as being "definitely female" now. (IDLYITW)

Bai Ling infects a whole beach with her craziness. (The Blemish)

Poor Lindsay's having girl trouble on top of everything else. (Celebslam)

Heidi and Spencer hold Heidi's poor mother hostage. (A Socialite's Life)

Kelly Taylor is coming back to West Beverly Hills High. (IBBB)

K Fed is likely unable to pass up on a "free refill." Ha. (Celebitchy)

Brooke Mueller is getting ready to be Mrs. Sheen Part III. (Agent Bedhead)

Happy Family: (Noun) A dish served at Chinese take-out restaurants that traditionally comes with lobster, crab, chicken, beef and pork.

The Cruise family had a little family outing this weekend to an LA Galaxy game, and they even let Tom's adopted kids with Nicole, the brown one and "old so and so" come along. It looks like a fabulous time was had by all. Or at least the ones who matter, anyway.

*(Only Cool If You're Robert Downey, Jr.)

Fanboy Cocktease (Noun) The slow, methodical release of still images and trailers from geek favorite movies, designed as a form of foreplay; often results in cinematic blue ball.

Career Change: (Noun) To choose a new occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life.

Last week when we reported that Lindsay Lohan got dropped from the upcoming indie flick, The Manson Girls, I thought to myself, "Huh, that's odd. I would have thought she'd get dropped from the Jack Black movie first." Coincidentally, a rep for the production company filming Ye Old Times has now released a statement that they and Lohan have "decided to go [their] separate ways."

Since this whole "acting" thing clearly just isn't going to work out, and her options are kind of limited thanks to her criminal record and penchant for stealing -- here are the Top 10 Possible Career Changes For Lindsay Lohan:

10. Legging Designer (No wait, that'd never work...)
9. Liquor Store Panhandler
8. Slaughterhouse Blood Hoser
7. Porn Fluffer
6. Carny
5. Plasma Donor
4. New Applebee's Ribbon Cutter
3. Pharmaceutical Test Subject
2. "Celebrity Rehab" cast member (Season Five)
1. Sperm receptacle at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch

More of Lindsay at KIIS-FM's "Wango Tango" show this weekend wearing the ugliest fucking shirt I've ever seen in my life:

The Drool Escape (Noun) Refers to someone, e.g. Chloe Sevigny, who is equal parts sexy and scary, so you don't know whether to drool over her or run for your life; often results in weird combination of the two, a.k.a., The Drool Escape.

Brazen: (Adjective) Bold and without shame.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were seen together all over Miami again this weekend, both at the Manadrin Oriental Hotel and at the wrap party for Aniston's upcoming film Marley & Me. Hmm... Kind of suspicious, if you ask me, considering how these two are usually both so private about their love lives. Maybe they should just go ahead and get the tattoos across their foreheads that say "Not a gay douchebag" and "I don't care how many goddamn babies he has with that goldfish-faced skank, OK? So let's fucking talk about something else already."

Just Deserts: (Phrase) To receive the appropriate reward or (more usually) punishment for one's actions.

For felony reckless driving which left passenger, former US Marine John Graziano, comatose and requiring a lifetime of constant care, Nick Hogan received: eight months in Florida’s Pinellas County Jail, five years probation (of which he is not allowed to drink for the duration of) 500 hours of community service, a three-year drivers license revocation, and will attend DUI education classes within one year.

This broke late in the day Friday, but I was already drunk by that point. However, like a decent, responsible human being; I do all my drinking safely at home, by myself and from the spigot of a box of wine. Sure, maybe I have "no friends" and a "slight drinking problem," but at least I'm not out there putting lives at risk. Hope it was worth it, asshole!

After you read this you'll never accuse us of being mean to rainbow killer again. (IDLYITW)

If you thought Mariah Carey was gonna stop dressing like a transvestite hooker just because she's off the market -- think again! (Seriously? OMG!)

And speaking of MC, here's her new video for "Bye Bye." (MTV Buzzworthy)

Amy Winehouse pulls an REM "Everybody Hurts" video moment. (The Blemish)

Ha ha! Letterman soothed Paris Hilton into a false sense of security so he could really nail the hell out of her! And not the kind she likes with a penis, either. (Celebitchy)

Does your kindergartener look like she could be a "Flavor of Love" contestant? No? Well why the hell not? (Yeeeah!)

You know who has a great idea on how to downplay Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair pictures? Hugh Hefner, naturally! (Dlisted)

Because I forgot to include Michelle Trachtenburg's ugly-ass outfit in my costume gala round-up earlier this week. (usemycomputer)

From Joseph M. Caracciolo Jr., the man behind box-office smashes such as Lindsay Lohan’s Just My Luck, Brittany Murphy’s Uptown Girls, Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Simply Irresistible, and Swimfan starring that chick no one remembers -- now comes another piece of shit movie no one will remember! (Pajiba)

Double Standard: (Noun) A rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate Ashlee Simpson? No? Well I fucking do, A LOT. The latest thing Ashlee has done to attract my vitriol is by calling Britney Spears "trashy" on the British talk show "Nokia Green Room" like the catty little bitchface she is. (Watch the clip here.)

So I know what you're probably thinking. "But Stacey, why is it OK for you to make fun of Britney Spears?" Well, let me tell you a little story. When I was growing up, I used to torment the motherloving hell out of my little sister. Some of the particularly reprehensible things I did to her include dropping a brick of packed snow on her face while she was making a snow angel (which I subsequently blamed on my friend) and scratching all the sunburned, chlorinated skin off my arm after a day at the local swimming pool and blowing it in her face. But if anyone else tried to pick on my little sister? I would throw down and break some fucking skulls.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that Britney Spears is kind of like my little sister. My retarded, metaphorical little sister. Or maybe I just really hate Ashlee Simpson that much. I'm not really sure myself, so take your pick.

Assface promoting her shitty new album which will never outsell Britney's "Blackout":

Leper: (Noun) A person who is avoided or rejected by others for moral or social reasons.

Deadline Hollywood is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has been booted from her upcoming film, The Manson Girls, after producers discovered they couldn't find any name actresses willing to work with her. That's right, actresses who would otherwise be willing to star in an independent feature (read: straight to DVD) about the Manson family value their reputations too much to be associated with Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe, you know, they're just worried about having their shit stolen or their boyfriends fucked. Either way, at this point I'm pretty sure Lindsay Lohan couldn't be more of a leper if she actually had leprosy. But at least if she had leprosy people might actually feel kind of bad for her.

Have you folks ever heard of the Duggars. My wife, actually, is completely fascinated with them. They are this crazy, Bible-thumping, wackjob couple in Arkansas who currently have 17 offspring between the ages of nine months and 20 years old, who are all home schooled and basically sheltered from reality, destined to eventually fly the coop and have a mad Rumspringa-type meltdown before coming back to live with their parents, where they'll all sleep five to a bed.

Anyway, if you know them at all, you know them because, every few weeks seemingly, Mrs. Duggar spits out another kid (and, after 17, that's more literal than metaphoric) and TLC creams their pants to give them a televised special. In fact, so far as I know, this -- and the charity of the good Christian folks of Arkansas -- supplies the majority of their income (Jim Duggan once ran for Congress, but expectedly lost; I think he sells vinly siding or something now). In fact, a couple of years ago, when it was apparent that the Duggars needed a new house to shelter all of their children, TLC built them one and filled their pantry. TLC has become their welfare check, and Michelle Duggar always seems ready to collect.

Well, Mrs. Duggar is pregnant again, expecting her 18th child this winter. And I'm here to say: Stop it, lady. The world doesn't need another Duggar. There's no reason, other than simple narcissism, to keep procreating. You're single handedly causing the absorption of entirely too many natural resources and, in exchange, giving the world nothing but an additional headache in return. Eventually, TLC and the kindness of your neighbors is going to dry up, and you're going to be left with 18 goddamn kids and not enough means to support them. And then I'm going to be writing about Duggars on the pages of QuizLaw for the next 30 years. So, do us all a favor, Michelle: Do whatever you need to do -- yank out your uterus and sew your vagina shut, if you must -- but stop making babies.

Unfuckingbelievable (Adjective) So unbelievable you have to add fucking for extra umph; the only thing in the english language that one can "un" fuck.

This pair of buttocks belongs to an American actor, born in Michigan, who attended UCLA, started out in the Groundlings, and got his first big break on Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd." He is currently dating someone far, far better than he is.

Name that ass!

The answer, after the jump.

Saint: (Noun) A person who is admired or venerated because of their virtue.

Paris Hilton launched her new line of shitty "Sally Beauty Supply" hair extensions yesterday, and blathered to People about how love has changed her and now she's such a good person and wants to get married and have kids and blah blah fucking blah.

"I've grown up a lot. I'm at peace," she added. "He's changed my life in every way. I'm happy."

Laughing about her beau's rocker look, she says her she follows some words of advice from her dad to look past it. "My dad said you shouldn't judge a book by its cover," she said. "He doesn't act at all like someone who has tattoos everywhere! I love him so much that I don't pay attention. I don't even look at the tattoos anymore."

Well that's noble that she's able to look past Punk Rock Powder's form of self expression to see the good person inside that disgusting, tattoo covered facade. So how is someone who "has tattoos everywhere" normally supposed to act? I'm sure some of you readers have tattoos, maybe you all could enlighten us. Well, if you all can find time between robbing liquor stores and tweaking on meth, anyway.

More of Saint Asshole promoting her crap:

I thought it was cool, anyway. I mean, nevermind that Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters are not only more culturally relevant and infinitely more talented than Metallica, who haven't delivered a legitimately great album since ... And Justice for All, it's still kind of cute to see a fan letter from one Rock God to another.

"Dear Metallica,

"Hey, it's Dave! Remember me? Yeah, I'm the guy that's been listening to your band faithfully since 1983. I bought your first album 'Kill 'Em All' from a mailorder catalogue called Under The Rainbow, I think. Actually I can't remember. It was 1983 for Christsakes! But that album changed my life and I've been listening to your albums ever since (even 'St Anger'!).

"I can't wait to hear the new shit, and no matter what you guys do I'll always be first one at the shop waiting to hear it. I'm sure you'll come out and blow everybody's fuckin' minds, because you're fuckin' METALLICA!

"Good luck. And don't release it until it's kick-ass.

"Yours, Dave Grohl.

"P.S. Are you finished recording the drums yet?" (Source)

It's kind of sweet, in a devil horn's rock-your-face off kind of way, huh?

I'm talking to the wrong crowd, aren't I? All well, stick around: I'm sure Paris Hilton is about to do something stupid.

Close Call: (Noun) A narrow escape from danger or disaster.

Sarah Larson, former "Fear Factor" contestant / self-proclaimed Slut Patrol (oh wait, or did I proclaim her that?) cum famous girlfriend of George Clooney graces next month's Harper's Bazaar; because I guess what's more fascinating than some girl who won the boyfriend lottery? Anyway, Larson dishes on her life with George:

But that doesn't mean it's all red carpets and meetings with world leaders for the couple, who do normal things -- like watch marathons of "Rock of Love With Bret Michaels," which they did while recovering from their motorcycle accident last September. "We caught ourselves rooting for someone or getting frustrated," Sarah says. "And we were like, 'This is sad.'" (Source)

You know what would really be sad though, is if anyone unearths the "Rock of Love" audition tape she no doubt recorded about a week before she started dating George Clooney. But go ahead Sarah, just go on and keep acting like you weren't one casting call away from having Bret Michaels put his stank all over you and the other girls call you out that you're "not there for Bret" after they all found out you were on "Fear Factor." It's cool.

Mr. Clooney and Slut Patrol at the Costume Gala earlier this week:

Aaron Eckhart's Two-Face is even more two-faced than you'd expect. (Comedy Central)

Elisha Cuthbert, in Hawaii, traipsing around in her wet drawers. (Celebslam)

Kardashiangasm. (Popoholic)

Britney and K-Fed phone sex? Blurgh. "Feed me Cheetos, you dirty dirty boy." (IDLYITW)

Ashlee Simpson listens to angry Papa's advices, decides to grow a pair. (Yeeeah)

What? Christina Ricci's brother once stabbed her for changing the channel? (Celebitchy)

OH HELL YEAH! Dr. Frankenstein is coming to "Supernatural" tonight!* (Seriously? OMG!)

Bai Ling can't seem to control her outerwear, specifically it's ability to keep her covered. (The Blemish)

*Added by Stacey, since Dustin would never admit to being excited over "Supernatural," even if he did watch it. Which he totally doesn't, or at least that's what he tells people.

Soft: (Adjective) Sympathetic or compassionate, to a degree perceived as excessive.

On the heels of a successful court appearance in which she was awarded expanded visitation; the preview clip for Britney Spears latest appearance on "How I Met Your Mother" has been released. And I have to admit, she looks pretty darn good! Actually, I'm feeling strange feelings right now, which could almost be described as... Happy. Like, I am happy for Britney Spears. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me? Have I gone soft? About a week ago I even caught myself watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," and just figured I was getting my period or something. But now this is just getting fucking scary. That's it. I need to go get drunk off of cheap gin and throw eggs at children getting off the school bus, STAT.

Here is Britney leaving Bally Total Fitness® earlier this week looking super healthy and cute. Argh! Shuddup, you!

I wasn't particularly thrilled about the impending G.I. Joe flick, but now that I've seen some of the lackluster images of the cast, I'm even less than thrilled. They are all kinds of meh, starting with Sienna Miller as the Baronnes (above).

Storm (Gyungh-hun Lee), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), and Hawk (Dennis Quaid)
 

From left to right: Duke (Channing Tatum), Destro (Christopher Eccleston), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), Ripcord (Marlon Wayans).

Quitter: (Noun) A person who gives up easily or does not have the courage or determination to finish a task.

Even though "Grey's Anatomy" has only been back on the air for a few weeks, rumors are spreading that famous movie star Katherine Heigl may once again be trying to worm her way out of her contract for the television show which is solely responsible for her being famous. A source close to the TV doctor reportedly said: “She's working really long hours and is ready to move on.”

You know who else works "really long hours?" REAL DOCTORS, asshole! Except that real doctors don't spend their shifts not getting their lily white hands dirty while smoking cigarettes between reading lines.

More of Rainbow Killer doing what she does best:

Pedostache (Noun) A thin layer of hair, lacking the regality of a full blown mustache, atop the upper lip. Commonly found on individuals with Tony Danza-esque minivans and lots of candy.

More candids, of Matt Damon on the set of The Informant.

Total Crap: (Noun) Something that is of extremely poor quality; just pure shit.

Perez Hilton launched his new clothing line for Hot Topic, and it's well, about what you'd expect from the most horrifically dressed gay man ever at the shittiest store in the mall. The line seems to consist of 80's ripoff garments emblazoned with guns, rainbows and skulls; not to mention Hilton's signature tagline, "Gossip Gangster." It should be a smash hit with the indiscriminating preteen whose parents totally let them go to the mall unsupervised or people who just enjoy getting beat up and ridiculed.

Here's a first look at George and Laura Bush, as played by Josh Brolin and Elizabeth Banks in Oliver Stone's forthcoming biopic on the life and presidency of George Bush. W. also stars Thandie Newton as Condi; Rob Corddry as Ari Fleischer; James Cromwell as George Sr., Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell, and last I heard, Paul Giamatti as Karl Rove.

It's easy to dismiss Oliver Stone post-Alexander, but the guy still knows how to do subversive political film, and come one: Josh Brolin as W., y'all. Josh Motherfucking Brolin. How awesome is that?

Free Woman: (Noun) Adult female on the loose after from captivity or incarceration.

After finally being arrested yesterday for the crack-smoking video that surfaced back in January, Amy Winehouse is already a free woman. Crackhouse posted her bail after being interviewed in custody for a few hours and was back out roaming the streets by 4am.

Wino has been arrested or questioned by police for various offenses five times since October, and despite clearly being a danger to herself and others, always manages to slip through the slippery fingers of the criminal justice system. Which just goes to prove, that everything I know about British Law Enforcement, as learned by old episodes of Benny Hill, is 100% accurate. If Amy had big bazooms and long, blonde hair it'd totally be a different story.

Lindsay Lohan is trying to seduce Nicole Richie's Madden brother. (Yeeeah!)

Habitual drunkard Kelly Osbourne stumbles around drunkenly. (The Blemish)

Jamie Lynn's baby shower had more ladies wearing outfits from "Dress Barn" than you could shake a chicken finger at! (Seriously? OMG!)

This is my favorite of all the dresses Christina Ricci has worn recently. (Usemycomputer)

Check out the movie poster for the future Jurassic Park sequel. (College Humor)

How many times does Amy Winehouse have to get arrested before it finally fucking takes? (Celebitchy)

Britney gits her kids back, y'all! (IDLYITW)

Chris Noth hates Victoria's Secret, and he's never even had a $50 bra fall apart on him after wearing it one time. That we know of, anyway. (CelebritySmack)

Jessica Simpson insists that she roughed it while visiting troops in Kuwait. (Daily Stab)

Ellen Page looking cute as hell in Tokoyo. (Popoholic)

Visit the Celine "Pull My Finger" Archives:

Pull My Finger
No, Really; Pull My Finger
Jesus In Heaven, Can I Get a Finger Pull?

Secret: (Adjective) Not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's top secret wedding, as professionally photographed and stealthily placed on the cover of the super confidential People magazine.

Now 95% less a publicity stunt!

Ha Ha Ha Ha *Thunk* (Ironic) Head-shaking laughter followed by a violent *facepalm* that accompanies bizarre, completely moronic news.

So, your daughter is the brattiest girl in Hollywood, she's been to rehab three times, spent a short time in jail, fucked every hard surface in L.A., and completely ruined a once-promising movie career. You know what you deserve, Dina Lohan! Mother of the Year!

Lindsay Lohan’s mom, Dina Lohan, is being honored as mom of the year. Yes, you read that right. Dina, who fancies herself “the white Oprah” and recently considered her 14-year-old daughter, Ali, her plus-one in Vegas, has been named one of the “Top 20 Long Island Mothers of Celebrities” by Mingling Moms, a Long Island-area organization.

Ha Ha Ha Ha *Thunk* Unbelievable: What's next: Rodney Dangerfield in Natural Born Killers for Father of the Year? Paris Hilton for BFF of the Year? Britney Spears for the Mentally Stable Person of the Year. George Bush for President of the Year? What the fuck, man? What do you have to do around her to get recognized for being shitty?

Pathetic: (Adjective) Arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness

Madonna continued her midlife crisis/old lady reign of terror at a concert in Paris last night with more champagne-swigging theatrics and this time even orally assaulting one of her backup dancers.

She told the 1,500-strong crowd at the Olympia: "Why do I have this relationship with France? I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people. Vive la France!" (Source)

Oh Madonna, would you please just stop already? This is getting to be kind of sad. And really creepy. And stinking of desperation. You're a 50-year-old, married mother of three. Why don't you try an age-appropriate hobby like gardening or Suduko? We get it. You used to "be" somebody, and everything you did was shocking or avant-garde. But this is the generation of Miley Cyrus and 2 Girls 1 Cup, OK? So unless you start dropping trough at your concerts, pooing into a cup, eating it, vomitting, and smearing the poo and vomit all over yourself -- nobody is going to give a fart.

Dickface (Noun) Belfast insult, cleverly combines the two words dick and face to insinuate that someone has a penis on their face.

Guess who the Dickface is? That's Devendra Banhart folks, who you may recall is the man that Natalie Portman is currently dating. There's a goddamn winner for you, huh? I guess if I were dating Natalie Portman, I'd want a large penis to obscure my face, too. In fact, for this guy, it's an improvement. I'm sure he's got a great sense of humor, though: I mean, what could be funnier than Groucho Penisface glasses?



 

Misunderstanding: (Verb) To fail to interpret or understand the words or actions of someone correctly.

The New York Post has reported that a Columbia student, Masha Markova, is demanding $10,000 and an explanation from Lindsay Lohan, who allegedly stole her $11,000 mink coat from a NYC nightclub back in January. The coat, a gift from her grandmother, was finally returned foul-smelling and damaged after Markova's lawyers threatened legal action.

She added that at one point, she was seated next to Lohan, and recalled putting the mink in a common bin with other jackets. It was gone when she prepared to leave 1Oak after an hour, Markova said.

Two weeks later, Markova flipped through the Feb. 11 edition of OK! Magazine and couldn't believe her eyes - Lohan was photographed the night of Jan. 26 wearing the very same fur coat.

Now, it's easy to throw around words like dirty dirty thief, stupid spoiled bitch, skanky klepto and no-morals having asshole. But I'm sure there's a logical explanation here. Like vodka. Or, cocaine! And the law clearly states that you can't be held responsible for what you're too wasted to remember. Hmm... Or was that the ad campaign for that new 180 proof grain alcohol? Ehh. Either way, I'm sure it holds up in court.

For my own edification (and Brad Pitt's), I wonder if anyone has statistics on the number of injuries caused by father's throwing their kids in the air. (Celebslam)

Owen Wilson enrolls Vince Vaughn in three-way strange-assathon. (Yeeeah!)

Dustin Hoffman finds nothing more glorious than flatulence. (Holy Moly)

I appreciate a woman who appreciates Barbara Stanywyck. They don't make 'em this beautiful and evil anymore. (Sunset Gun)

Officially, the coolest thing about Megan Fox now -- she's been banned from a Wal-Mart. For life. (Celebitchy)

Look closely: That's either a bald spot on Winehouse's head, or she's using her hair as an ashtray. (Seriously? OMG!)

Wedding bells clank in Tony Romo's ear, messes with his perfect spiral. (IDLYITW)

Nikki Cox has drastic plastic surgery, left with plumpie mouth. (The Blemish)

ScarJo shows off fluffly dress. (Usemycomputer)

Now this is what I'm talking about: Idle speculation on who will comprise the cast of The Avengers film. (Spout)

How often do we get a chance to see Punky Brewster, eh? (Ayyyy!)

Ummm. Don't sit next to the fat kid. (Offsprung)

Cyberspace: (Noun) The notional environment in which communication over computer networks occurs.

Tom Cruise has taken his damage control tour to the final frontier with the launch of Tom Cruise dot com. (Hmm... Where have I seen this before?) Cyberspace: it's like the PR of the future! Amazing, for someone who worships to the altar of a religion with the word "science" in it, it takes Tom Cruise until 2008 to finally have a personal website. And when he does, it looks like this and plays totally fruity music, and crashed my fucking browser when I tried to launch it. Oh yeah, and when was that picture taken? Mission Impossible part one?? Nice try Tommy Boy, but you ain't fooling no one.

What the little man really looks like, with double-chin and Katie-bot earlier this week:

Dress Up: (Verb) Put on clothes or costume appropriate for a formal occasion.

I think The Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala is my favorite of all the celebrity fashion events. All the outfits are always really fun and flamboyant, and there's no pretense of having some boring awards ceremony getting in the way like at the stupid Oscars or something. Yawn. (I'm probably getting fired from Pajiba as we speak.) At any rate, going by this logic you know who else loves the Costume Institute Gala? That's right, the Olsen twins! Since they don't actually do anything but show up to dress up events anymore, this gala is pretty much the apex of their existences. As you can see, Mary Kate dressed to the occasion with her finest sparkly gold 70's muumuu; and Ashley used it as an excuse to show off her smokin preteen bod in this slinky black number with sex-tegically placed cutouts.

Here's Linsday Lohan's upcoming single, "Bossy." I've never wanted more in my life to be Rick Roll'd.

True Love: (Noun) The unconditional and unabashed feeling of deep affection.

Congratulations to Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson! True love is hearing your girlfriend's embarrassingly crappy album of Tom Waits cover songs (especially when you used to date Alanis fucking Morissette) and then proposing to her stupid ass anyway. After this she can probably wear granny panties, fart in her sleep and leave tampon applicators sitting on the bathroom vanity all she wants during their marriage and it won't make a difference.

Below: ScarJo at the Costume Institute Gala last and and just for fun, her single for "Falling Down" after the jump. Yeah, dude's got it bad.