Understanding: (Noun) Sympathetic awareness or tolerance.

It's been over two months since the Chris Brown-Rihanna incident happened, and since then everyone and their brohter has weighed in on the situation. But... Oh, wait! We still haven't heard what famous boxer, domestic abuser and rapist, Mike Tyson thinks!

When asked about Brown by MTV News this week, Tyson said, "It's none of my business, but you know what I say about that? I understand the situation. I understand passion with young kids.

"My personal opinion about that is, he's just a baby," he continued, with a tone of empathy toward the 19-year-old Brown. "He's just a little baby that don't know how to handle his emotions when it comes to a woman. And he probably hears this and thinks, 'I know how to handle my emotions'; we all think we do. But the fact [is], you look at this person and you might be crazy in love, but we don't know how to handle those feelings." (Source)

Well I'll be darned. Who knew, Mike Tyson of all people, was capable of complex, higher-brain-functioning emotions like empathy -- albeit misguided empathy. I mean, it's not like the guy was saying that he "gets O.J." or anything. Because, it'd take just a real lowlife piece of shit to say something like that.

More of the guy Hulk Hogan makes look good in comparison... And a baby!

Unstable: (Adjective) Prone to psychiatric problems or sudden changes of mood.

Uhhhh... Guys? I don't think Lindsay Lohan is doing so hot. The good news is that she's no longer delusional about her breakup with Samantha Ronson... But the bad news is that she's no longer delusional about her breakup with Samantha Ronson, and now she's talking to Us Magazine about it.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."

"I'm a f**king 22-year-old girl who's in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie. I'm just really hurt! The whole situation is sick." (Source)

This is just getting uncomfortably sad now. Who goes to Us Magazine for emotional support? Lindsay, these people are not your friends. Friends will help you mourn a breakup with Haagen Dazs and a bottle of tequila. Us Magazine will listen to you cry, then write down everything you said and print it in their magazine and high-five each other at what a killing they're going to make on the newsstands. She'd be better off just renting a hooker to commiserate with for a few hours, because then, bonus! Hot revenge sex!

Tact: (Noun) Adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.

Yesterday I posted pictures of Madonna touring around Malawi while she waits for her crushing wealth to influence a Malawian judge to let her steal another one of Malawi's native children. In the photos, while Madonna tours, say, impoverish schools, she is seen wearing a seemingly innocuous tracksuit. The funny thing? It turns out her outfit cost almost $3 grand.

After arriving she toured an impoverished school but refused to talk to reporters. She was, in the words of the AP, "dressed casually" in a black velour tracksuit and white fedora. But that casual look costs about $2,800.

A look at the photos shows her dressed-down attire is a Chanel tracksuit, tone-on-tone labels blazing from her shoulder and the stripes down her leg. Huffington Post placed a call to the 57th Street store in New York Monday with a casual inquiry, and a helpful saleswoman priced a similar ensemble at $2,800. A zip front jacket is $1,600 and the pants about $1,200. (Source)

Way to rub it in Madonna. In Malawi, the only way anyone could justify spending three thousand dollars on a tracksuit is if their entire family and the families of everyone they know could actually eat the tracksuit for the rest of their entire lives. And velour stew just isn't very tasty, from what I hear.

Day 2 of Third World Country Baby Stealing Tour 2009:

Uncomfortable: (Adjective) Causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

Here are John Mayer and Jordin Sparks posing together at a VH1 Save the Music Foundation event last night. I love it. The music industry's most notorious douchebag ladies man and most notorious humorless virgin. Can you tell, the look on his face totally says Just hurry up and take the damn picture already. I know the look all too well, you can see it on my face in just about any photo taken from any of my family reunions. To Jordin Spark's credit though, she probably smells a hell of lot better than my incontinent Great Aunt Edna, though.

Unacceptable: (Adjective) Not satisfactory or allowable.

I guess Ashlee Simpson has given up on that whole "music" thing, because she's falling back on something else she's not very good at: Acting! It's been confirmed that Ashlee is joining the cast of the "Melrose Place" remake.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, she will play a lead character named Violet, "a bright-eyed but shrewd small-town girl and recent L.A. transplant who has come to town with a secret."

The trade reports that her character resembles the blond, budding-Southern-belle starlet Sandy Harling, played by Amy Locane on the original Fox series. (Source)

Despite my better judgment, I had actually kinda been holding out hope that this new "Melrose Place" wouldn't be terrible. But now, between this and the news of Mischa joining the cast, there is no chance on this Earth that it won't completely suck. And by "completely suck" I mean "be awesome." The original "Melrose Place" sucked too, and that's why it was so great. I'm still not convinced that the character of "Billy" wasn't literally played by a mannequin resembling Andrew Shue. This shit is going to be appointment viewing, trust me.

More of The Amazing Chin and her chimbley sweep husband at a Richard Branson launch party last month:

Unholy: (Adjective) Awful; dreadful; the worst thing you can imagine.

Remember when Pam Anderson used to be sexy? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, last night Pam was modeling Vivienne Westwood when one of her tits wrangled itself free. You can click here to see the uncensored version, but I have to warn you, her boob literally has a dent in it at the nipple. It's kind of terrifying. I don't know what kind of plastic surgery you have to get before your boob starts to look like a pumpkin sitting on the front stoop in January, but congratulations! It looks like Pam's pulled it off!

Unrepentant: (Adjective) Showing no regret for one's wrongdoings.

After photos of her jogging in daisy dukes and a bikini with her titters hanging all out for all of creation to see surfaced on the internet yesterday, Miley Cyrus apologized for her lack of discretion on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. Kidding! She acted like an indignant little shit, as always.

"I don't get the big whoop, but whatever," she said Monday on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show. "I guess it's just... I'm not allowed to jog any more."

"I don't get why people are allowed to take pictures and make them something they're not, but I guess that's just how their job works and how they'll make the most money." (Source)

My favorite part is the little passive aggressive jab about how she's "not allowed to jog anymore." Oh, boo hoo! How life is so unfair for Miley Cyrus! That's like showing up at the grocery store drunk out of your mind and ramming into people with your cart and stumbling around, knocking down displays and shit and then saying "I guess I'm not allowed to go grocery shopping anymore" when you get removed from the premises. Yeah. Nobody was sympathetic to me that time, either.

Unqualified: (Adjective) Not competent or sufficiently knowledgeable to do something.

Aww, man!! We were this close to having Heidi Montag on the upcoming season of "Dancing With The Stars." That would have made two shitty reality shows featuring Heidi Montag that I won't watch.

(When asked by Us if her sister was close to appearing on the show, Holly Montag was hesitant to confirm because "we try to keep our business separate from family.") (Source)

"Dancing With The Stars" has, in the past, boasted such star power as Heather Mills, Nick Lachey's brother and Kim Kardashian. It's one thing to take liberties with the word "stars" and quite another to flat out abuse it. If the producers would have let Heidi Montag on the show, I just don't know how they would have been able to live with themselves. We would have seen at least a few "Dancing With The Stars"-related suicides as a result of that, I'm sure.

Frick and Frack Valentine'ining it up this weekend:

Unclear: (Adjective) Not easy to see, hear, or understand.

Now it's time to play the game: What's Mel Gibson supposed to be! Is Mel Gibson supposed to be Don Quixote? Sir Didymus? Lord Satan? A scotty dog? Time's up! If you said "a drunken, anti-Semitic asshole with sadomasochist tendencies and a stupid, fruity little beard" -- you win!

Unburden: (Verb) Relieve someone of something that is causing anxiety or distress.

Jessica Simpson played at NYC's Madison Square Gaarden last night and made an embarrassing admission about her wardrobe. Sometimes? Her pants kind of split.

"I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note," the singer told fans, laughing. "That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split." (Source)

I'm not going to make fun of Jessica Simpson for her pants splitting. In fact, I think it's commendable for her to keep such good humor and be able to joke about herself in a time like this. The skort thing, on the other hand? Jesus woman, pull yourself together. There's self deprecation and then there's admitting that you're wearing "not a skirt, not a short." That's like admitting to wearing your period underpants or that you killed someone with your car one time when you were drunk.

Unscrupulous: (Adjective) Having or showing no moral principles; not honest or fair.

If you didn't think Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could possibly sink lower than a fake wedding, just wait until you hear about their fake divorce!

"Spencer is masterminding the whole thing right now," says a source. "He'll make sure people see him going in and out of a lawyer's office. Then he'll stage fake fights with Heidi for the cameras and talk on the show about getting married too young and pretend he's really conflicted."

"Spencer will push this as far as he can, but it will all be 100 percent fake. He loves Heidi and will never let her go," says the source, who adds, "They're just always looking for a way to out-drama Lauren Conrad. It's their No. 1 goal in life!" (Source)

That's the saddest #1 goal in life I've ever heard. Even sadder than old ladies who's #1 goal in life is to collect every Precious Moments figure that exists or my #1 goal in life to someday kick Spencer Pratt in the nutsack.

More of Shit Mouth and Plastic Head being (what else?) fucking annoying at a 99 cents store:

Unintentional Comedy: (Noun) The act of making people laugh without actually meaning to.

Somebody who identified themselves as "Courtney Love's Head Administrator" updated her myspace blog with news on the whereabouts of her upcoming album "Nobody's Daughter." The bad news is it's been delayed. The good news is they already have some sweets sponsors!

"The artwork is pretty much done. Courtney has $30 million in sponsorships, from a prominent feminine hygiene/menstrual company and a prominent tequila company. And Courtney doesn't even understand that part!" (Source)

I'm completely at a loss here. Is this somebody's idea of a joke? I mean, if anyone should be the face of feminine hygiene and tequila, it's this lady here. Or even better yet, a feminine hygiene -- wait for it -- tequila. Perfect for the gal on the go who doesn't have time to worry about vaginal cleanliness on those off-times between binges!

Ugh: (Exclamation) Used to express disgust or horror.

Drew Barrymore and Jason Segel were reportedly seen "kissing and touching" each other over karaoke at the Brass Monkey Bar in L.A. on Saturday night. I feel two ways about this. On one hand, I really, really like Jason Segel. On the other hand, I completely effing loathe Drew Barrymore. No wait, I guess that's kind of the same hand. Seriously, I do not want this to happen whatsoever. There's a reason Drew Barrymore is usually connected with men like Tom Green and The Mac Guy. It's because Drew Barrymore sucks ungodly amounts of ass. She very well may even be the first celebrity I've ever actively hated. In fact, you could even say she turned me on to hating celebrities in general. Although, maybe I should even thank her for that. And by "thank her" I mean kick her in the vagina.

More of Drew wearing Ray-Bans and a Maiden shirt recently, because she's cool like that: Get it? No? Well neither do I.

Uncharacteristic: (Adjective) Distinctive and not typical.

The premiere of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button was last night, and Angelina Jolie atypically opted for a long, boring black gown while Brad Pitt decided to go with the "constipated face" look. In more shocking news, I had half a box of wine for dinner last night and stale candy corn for dessert.

Unabashed: (Adjective) Not embarrassed, disconcerted, or ashamed.

With the holidays now upon us; 'tis the season for Hollywood's lesser known Scientologists to come out of hiding for some fruity Scientology Christmas Pageant that they hold every year. For example, while I knew Jason Lee was a Xenu freak, I had no idea those other two dudes from that "Earl" show were. Good to know!

More of the veritable array of Scientology A-listers, including David Carradine, Jenna Elfman, that chick from "That 70's Show," that other chick who had a promising career like eight years ago before she became a Scientologist, "Pedro" from Napolean Dynamite and a few other losers who I kind of recognize but not really: