Tone-Deaf: (Adjective) Of a person unable to perceive differences of musical pitch accurately.

Denise Richards butchered her way through "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch to a confused and bewildered crowd during a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday. Seriously, they could have gotten William Hung to sing it and wound up with a more moving performance. I'm pretty sure there were parts of the song I couldn't even hear, only because my dog glared at me and got up and left the room. If I find a neat little pile of "revenge poo" later, I'll know who to send it care of, anyway.

Too Soon: (Phrase) The standard response for poking fun of timely or sensitive issues.

Lindsay Lohan is currently starring in this video for Funny Or Die, (which marks the first time she's starred in anything in years!) in which she pokes fun at herself and the media tornado surrounding her breakup with Samantha Ronson as an eHarmony.com commercial spoof. At the end of the clip, she mentions her now famous Us Weekly cover story by saying: "Or, you could find me on the cover of Us Weekly ... Because I'm so alone."

That's great and all. I can always appreciate celebrities having a good sense of humor about themselves, but isn't she like, making fun of a quote that she herself willing gave to Us Weekly just last week? I mean, it was literally six days ago that I wrote about it. That's like if Britney would have gone on "Saturday Night Live" the weekend after her head shaving, umbrella-car-smashing incident and done a sketch parodying it. Come to think of it, even if she did that today it would still be more "funny, oh, I just remembered I have business to take care of in the other room" than "funny ha ha."

Also, really, Lindsay? You keep 90% of gossip websites in business? Please. Get your head out of your ass. I know a girl named Miley who is just itching to take your place.

More of Linds parading around Beverly Hills last week trying not to draw attention to herself:

Tiresome: (Adjective) Causing one to feel bored or annoyed.

Oh, boy! Heidi and Spencer are getting married. Again!

"This will be the real wedding," says a source close to the couple, who last November staged a fake wedding for cameras in Mexico. "It's being filmed as the season finale for The Hills."

A rep for the couple declined comment.

 E! News has learned that the controversial reality couple has already invited about 110 guests to the nuptials, but the list is expected to grow even larger as the wedding date nears. A source says the couple plans to wed in a sunset ceremony and is looking at a rooftop location for a reception. (Source)

Jesus, what is this, like the third time they'll have gotten married on a fake reality show? How repetitive. "The Hills" couldn't jump the shark more if they literally had Spencer Pratt jump over a shark tank on water skis. Oooh, note to "The Hills" writers: Do that. And make sure to blindfold him, and also equip the sharks with some kind of lasers.

Stupid and Stupider being obnoxious at a furniture store in Hollywood:

Taint: (Noun) A thing whose influence or effect is perceived as contaminating or undesirable.

James Gray, the director of Joaquin Phoenix's alleged last film, Two Lovers, is publicly blaming Phoenix for the lack of success of his film.

"It's like, Letterman was trying to get the movie out there, but the only thing that's out there now is a crazy person with a beard making a fool of himself!" says Gray, still seething today at the "circus" surrounding Phoenix...

Gray spits at the name, calling him a "clown". "I have no idea what the hell that guy is shooting," he says. "The whole thing is not to my taste, and I've let Casey know this." (Source)

I think he's pointing fingers in the wrong direction here. Maybe it wouldn't have been the desired reason, but if anything Joaquin's assiness technically should have brought people out to the theater in droves. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? And anyway, what the hell did Gwyneth Paltrow do for the movie? Besides showing her tits and probably having a bored expression while doing so, anyway. I'd rather spend two hours reading the phone book than see that.

At the Two Lovers screening:

Threatening: (Adjective) Of a person or situation causing someone to feel vulnerable or at risk.

As you can see, Rihanna got a little gun tattooed on her ribcage. Because I guess being the victim of domestic abuse makes a person really just want to glamorize violence. One thing's for sure, Chris Brown might think want to twice before putting his hands on her again now that she's got a gun tattooed on her. Clearly, this person is a force to be reckoned with. Don't fuck with Rihanna or she might ... Shoot you with the cute little imaginary gun she has drawn on her side. Well done.

Trashed: (Verb) To have discarded.

Hey guys, I'm back! Sorry about yesterday, a personal crisis prevented me from posting anything. But I promise -- promise -- I will not be leaving you again anytime soon. At any rate, I have to start the day out with some sad news: Lindsay Lohan's anticipated (and only) film project Labor Pains is not going to be coming to a movie theater near you anytime soon. Or, ever. Instead, the film is bypassing the straight-to-DVD route and going straight-to-TV. Cable TV.

The film's production company, Nu Image/Millennium Films, has confirmed that the comedy will premiere on ABC Family in July 2009. It will be released on DVD a month later.

This week, the much-scrutinized star, 22, complained, "If people would just leave my personal life alone - because it's really not that interesting - then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting." (Source)

That's right Lindsay, it's everyone else's fault that your movie is going straight to cable. Just so you know it's not your fault. No, not at all whatsoever. Just like it wasn't my fault that my roommate decided to snoop through my email and read things I said about her that she didn't like and throw all my shit in trashbags while I wasn't home and leave it in the garage and tell me to get out immediately. Oh, except that actually kind of was my fault because I chose to live with a fucking psychopath. I'm pretty sure Lindsay's in the clear, though.

Take That: (Phrase) Exclaimed when taking decisive action against others.

Jessica Simpson's body made its triumphant return this weekend at the launch of her new "Fancy" fragrance at a Dillards store in Scottsdale, Arizona. It looks like she's spent the past several weeks under the care of the good Doctor Treadmill 'N Laxatives. So the good news is that: Jessica Simpson; hot again. The bad news? She's still promoting a fragrance in Arizona rather than a film or album in New York or L.A. But hey, at least the celebrity gossip rags can't call her fat anymore. I think we all know which is the greater victory here. So yeah: In your face, Us Magazine!

Terminate: (Verb) To assassinate someone.

Oh my God guys, you are totally not gonna believe this. Mischa Barton might be getting an actual, real job! Now she can quit her day job of aimlessly showing up to places looking stoned. Supposedly, she's being tapped (hee!) for the upcoming ruination remake of "Melrose Place."

Mischa Barton is heading back to TV - she's in negotiations to star in the Melrose Place remake. The former O.C. star has confirmed she is in talks to join the cast of the show.

Barton ended her run as rich kid Marissa Cooper on teen drama "The O.C." in 2006. TV bosses at The CW, who brought back Beverly Hills 90210 as a spin-off last year, have ordered the production of a pilot episode of the new Melrose Place. (Source)

At first I was not hip to this idea, as I used to love -- love! -- "Melrose Place" back in the 90's. And, I really hate -- hate! -- Mischa Barton. But when I think about it, "Melrose Place," if nothing else, was known for its awesome death scenes. I literally cheered when Kristen Davis ate it at the bottom of that swimming pool. And Mischa Barton, on the other hand, is probably best known for eating it on the "O.C." because everyone hated her stupid character so much. This is actually a match made in TV heaven. The only better possible scenario would be if they could figure out how to horribly kill her in every episode. Kind of like "South Park" only with stupider hats.

More of stupid Mischa and her stupid ginormous head at fashion week dressed like a Quaker: And just for fun, Marissa Cooper eating it after the jump!

Terrifying: (Adjective) Of something causing extreme fear.

Pamela Anderson made a surprise appearance at designer Richie Rich's fashion week show, "Blondes Have More Fun." Hmm... It just makes me wonder. If I was being charged on either side by a rhino and Pam Anderson, which would I pick? Sure, giant fake boobs are definitely softer than a rhino's horn; but would I really want to live with that kind of post-traumatic stress my whole life? I think not.

Turn Off: (Phrase) To induce a feeling of boredom or disgust in someone.

Drew Barrymore hasn't had any boyfriends since she and The Mac Guy broke up, and she thinks it might have something to do with her ridiculously lame ass tongue ring that she got from the year 1998.

She revealed on ELLEN DEGENERES’ chatshow: “I have had it for nine months, I got it and I have been single ever since. I don’t know what the deal is with that. “I luckily did it for myself. I had always wanted to get one.” (Source)

Drew, honey? There's a reason why the only people today that have tongue rings are strippers and you. And I think in this day and age, it's literally more socially acceptable to actually have an actual stripper pole in your house than to have a tongue ring.

More of Drew at the He's Just Not Into You (because of your stupid dress and a tongue ring) premiere:

Triumph: (Noun) The state of being victorious or successful.

Jessica Simpson performed in Virginia last night where she opened for shitty pop country band Rascal Flatts; miraculously and gracefully keeping her head held high amidst the current speculation over her sudden affliction with being totally fat.

Clad in black leather pants, a hip-length black blazer and silver go-go heels, Simpson, 28, hit the stage promptly at 8:01 p.m. and performed a 40-minute set, opening with "These Boots" before introducing the tune, "Still Beautiful."

"This song is off my new record... and it's about finding the beauty in life, no matter what happens," she told the audience at the University of Virginia's John Paul Jones Arena, where she performed with Rascal Flatts. Simpson later added, "Always remember that someone out there has it worse than you." (Source)

It's always heartwarming to hear a story of someone who overcomes the odds and prevails over adversity. Now that Jessica Simpson has conquered the naysayers and performed despite her crippling obesity, maybe now she can get back to focusing on her so-called career. I mean, does she even have one anymore? She's opening for Rascal motherfucking Flatts, for chrissakes.

Tribe: (Noun) A social division in a traditional society consisting of people linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties; typically having a recognized leader.

Holy crap!!! The entire Brangelina family was spotted at an airport in Japan!! Even the baby Brangelinas! Do you even understand what this means? This is as rare and incredible as catching the Loch Ness monster getting to third base with Bigfoot.

Editor's note: I am still wrapping my head around the fact that Brad is wearing matching hats with boy twin, so I can't even comment further on that ridiculous adorableness.

Tragic: (Adjective) Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.

Remember New Kids on the Block's big reunion last year? So how's that been going, anyway? Well, I can tell you this, they've got one huge gig lined up. Just don't say I didn't tell you it was on a cruise ship.

Traveling from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. to the Bahamas, NKOTB will entertain fans on board with special performances and meet and greets. Jokes McIntyre: "We're not going to be drinking pina coladas, we'll be serving them!" (Source)

Wow. That would be funny if it weren't just s'darn sad. Oh, who am I kidding, it's still hilarious. But more hilarious in a way like if you're watching "America's Funniest Home Videos" and some guy accidentally gets hit in the nuts by a golf club. Like, "Yow, that smarts! But its still really fucking funny!"*

* Editor's note: Bob Saget 4EVA!

Threat: (Noun) A person or thing likely to cause damage or danger.

The New York City police force are running scared, and plan to take extra precautions this New Year's Eve. Why, you ask? Because of terrorism? Rioting? Zombies? Nope, because of these three penises.

The New York Police Department - which has heroically handled terrorist attacks, blackouts and riots without a whimper - is being cautious over the "mob scene" that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest on Wednesday night.

According to a source, police officials fessed up to their concerns in a recent meeting with producers of the show. "So they're now planning on using extra [security] men for support," the source says. "It's going to be crazy because everyone will be in Times Square to watch them perform on the show." (Source)

I honestly have no idea what they're so worried about. As far as I know, no one over the age of thirteen listens to The Jonas Brothers -- and how much damage could a bunch of thirteen year old girls possibly do? Unless of course, Godzilla is actually still only thirteen in prehistoric mutant reptile years... In which case I'd say, "Houston, we have a problem."

Transformation: (Noun) A thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.

In an effort to conceal herself from the paparazzi, Katie Holmes is now apparently going incognito as a large black man.