Weeds Season 3 -- My Thoughts

Spoilers abound, so if you catch this on DVD -- you may want to opt out now.

Still with me? Okay, so "Weeds" is probably my biggest TV obsession du jour, even though I'm not totally in love with the third season. It started out good, riding on last season's cliffhanger, but let's face it -- it does have some issues. Maybe it's because I'm not a quote unquote drug lord, but I really didn't understand the whole thing with Nancy and Conrad owing U-Turn to begin with. I mean, sure maybe after he paid the Armenians off, but the bottom line is that U-Turn tried to jack them for pot that they didn't have. And then the pot got ruined, so if anything I'd chalk that up to more of a "failed robbery attempt" so much as "lost income." But I guess drug gangs don't abide by the same rules and logic that the rest of of adhere to, so whatever.

Regardless -- like most viewers, my tolerance for the whole U-Turn/Nancy/White Slave plotline had just about worn it's welcome when the unthinkable happened. U-Turn started to grow on me. First with the drive by scene in episode five, which was hilarious -- and then more so with the whole burgeoning mentor/student plot last night. And so naturally, with U-Turn becoming remotely likable, what happened was the only thing that could happen: U-Turn needed to die. But at least he died for a good reason -- laughing at Marvin for going to Dreamgirls.

If U-Turn's demise means more Marvin -- the most entertaining new character this season -- than I say bring it on, because the other prospects ain't lookin' so good. Last night we were introduced to Mary Kate Olsen's character, who I already hate with the firey passion of a thousand suns. My reasons being:

1. Mary Kate Olsen can't act. I know she did all those direct to video movies about solving mysteries in the playground or some shit, but "1/2 of a twin sleuthing team" did nothing to prepare her for "evangelical pothead."

2. Her stupid big flat vapid-eyed face looks like a stupid cat's face. It's just creepy, dammit.

3. Has Mary Kate Olsen like, ever really been intimate with someone before? The way she was grinding on Silas made her look like she was having a seizure. It had to be one the most unsexy teen sex scenes (OK I know they weren't actually doing it, but whatever) since the end of Kids. Grief.

Moving on, I've been suspiciously tolerating Matthew Modine's character. He's kind of funny, but kind of annoying -- and I've marginally enjoyed his sexist/sarcastic report with Nancy up until now. In fact, the only thing that could ruin that chemistry is if they actually put those two together, and oh shit. That's probably happening next week. Fucking Christ. Oh vengeful, merciless gods of TV -- why do you hate me so? I guess really when it comes down to it, the best I can hope for for the rest of the season is more Underpants Andy. Bring back Underpants Andy!

Welcome to Paula Time!

In case you didn't know, Paula Abdul is pretty much batshit fucking insane. Check my review of her new trainwreck!

I'll See Your Brooding and Raise You Angst.

OK, I know it's really assy to disappear for a week just to come back and immediately promote a review on Pajiba, but thems the breaks. Here it, is -- Supernatural Season Two.

Also, I will be doing the daily Pajiba Love column for the next few months, so tune in for that!

Watch a funny movie, stick it to Fox. It's a win-win situation!

I saw something last week that I think may have signaled the end of civilization as we know it. One of the babymommas on Maury actually named her daddy-to-be-determined kid after Maury: "Kemauri." So... Maybe not so much the "four horsemen" end of civilization, but certainly the Mike Judge Idiocracy-prophesied one.*

If you haven't heard of it by now, (and you probably haven't) Idiocracy is Mike Judge's long awaited follow-up to the overwhelmingly popular Office Space, a film which has wedged itself into every facet of our popular culture... (yet managing to avoid a Napoleon Dynamite-style backlash.) The road to idiocracy has been a long one: with the struggle to even access distribution (or things like "trailers" and "official movie websites") detailed over the blogosphere for the past couple of years, and then with the mediocre reviews following it's pathetic release. Which still doesn't add up, because if Fox would have given it a fart of chance and promoted it as the follow-up to Office Space; it likely would have been a juggernaut, quality regardless. I mean, hello? Epic Movie topped the box office this weekend. We've proven time and again that we're not an exceptionally finicky culture when it comes to what we're willing to pay 10 dollars to see. When it comes to what we'll watch for free on network television, Arrested Development, that's another story. Sigh.

Well, rather than try to hypothesize why Fox does what it does, I'll move on to my review. Because I might as well try to explain why murderers kill people or why dolphins exist.

The plot of Idiocracy is as follows: Evolution traditionally favors exceptional qualities. Although in the case of the human species, the herd got too big and with no natural enemies, evolution eventually began favoring who could breed the most. (See Maury reference above) In an army experiment gone awry, average guy Private Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson) and prostitute Rita (Maya Rudolph) are cryogenically frozen and awaken in the year 2505 to find that they are the smartest people alive!!! Aaaand commence with the hilarity.

I watched this movie twice. The first time I watched it I couldn't put my thoughts together to write a proper review, but Mr. Salted enjoyed it so much that we ended up keeping the DVD a few extra days. My opinion was kind of tainted going in. I had been anticipating this movie since 2003-ish when I first caught buzz of it on the internets, but subsequent reviews and word-of-mouth had gotten me nervous.

Here's the thing, the beauty of Mike Judge's comedy is that he finds humor in the mundane. Whether it be a cubicle farm or a middle class Texan family, as in the subtle and overwhelmingly underrated King of the Hill. So basing a whole film plot around a grandiose well, punchline, was a bit of an undertaking. But, overall? I think it works. You can tell right off the bat, that the production value is pretty shitty... So Fox basically had it condemned without a trial. The humor is still there, though. The second viewing allowed me to pick up on some of the more subtle, layered humor; while I caught mostly the fart jokes the first time around.

Rather than likening this movie to the two aforementioned projects, Idiocracy resonates the most with Judge's previously explored "lowest common denominator" style comedy: Beavis and Butthead. Some of the lines seemed as though they could have come right from Beavis and Butthead, but not in a tired "I've seen this before" kind of way.

Idiocracy may not be the best comedy ever... However if you view our current American Idol-Paris Hilton-Pepsi Sponsored society with equal parts fascination and horror like I do, than yeah... You might want to see this one. If for no other reason but to stick it to Fox. Tell your friends!

*I give Mike Judge credit, but in all seriousness, the human race would actually have to exist 500 years from now to make this future come true. To be honest, what with global warming and war and etc.? I just don't think that's going to happen. But cut the man some slack, after all he conceived of this movie approximately 1/3 of the way into Bush's first term.

Not your mother's Fairytale.

This past weekend I had the experience of seeing Pan's Labyrinth, from Latin director Guillermo del Toro. If you enjoy fantasy/fairy tale genre films such as (regular) Labyrinth, MirrorMask and the Dark Crystal, than this is absolutely NOT the movie for you. And I cannot stress that enough.

Set in 1944 during the period of the Spanish Civil War, Pan's Labyrinth centers around Ofelia, daughter of a widow who recently remarried a Captain of the Spanish army. The film opens as Ofelia and her mother are traveling to the fortress(?) where the Captain is stationed; her mother expecting his child. This essentially being a fairy tale, and the Captain essentially being a step-parent, he is naturally a sadistic monster.

Going into this film, I wasn't so naive as not to understand that this was supposed to be an adult movie. I had even heard that was on the gory side. What I wasn't expecting, was to watch the majority of this film through my fingers, cowering helplessly in my seat. While the basic premise of the film is about Ofelia and the fantasy world she discovers, (creates?) most of it actually revolves around the underlying plot of the war and conflict between the fascist Captain's men and the rebel army. What I wasn't expecting from this movie was the level of horrific, graphic violence and sadistic brutality I've only heard about associated with Mel Gibson's work. (Or, "work," if you will.)

We're talking guys getting their faces eviscerated with broken bottles, and crude amputations, and people stitching up their own faces after getting their cheek slashed open with a knife. In instances where someone was killed with a simple bullet to the head, I breathed a sigh of relief. Not to "spoiler" anything, but I really believe that any casual filmgoer or overall fan of the genre should really understand what they're getting themselves into with the price of admission.

Aside from all that, Pan's Labyrinth is a beautifully orchestrated film, filled with breathtaking imagery. Without the snuff aspect I likely would have given it a standing ovation.

Oddly enough, the most horrifying moment of the evening came before the film, when they showed a trailer for Jennifer Lopez and Marc "Scrawny McRatface" Anthony's new movie, El Cantante. I believe that's Spanish for Pure Shit. Not positive, I kinda skipped out on that class in high school. Oh, Jenny from the Block. Has Gigli taught you nothing? Of course, part of the reason why Gigli was such a colossally embarrassing failure, was because people actually gave a shit in the first place. So, at least El Cantante has that much going for it.

Nerds on Parade!

Here we have a photo taken on the morning of Saturday November 18. I guess "Nerds on Parade" is kind of overselling it, when in actuality it's more like "Nerds Standing Quietly and Sometimes Sitting in the Tent on the Sidewalk." What we have here is the ultimate demonstration of human desolation: Nerds Camping Out for a New Nintendo Wii System.

I never understood the whole "Camping Out for Stuff" thing. A concert ticket I can almost understand, because unlike a video game system or Star Wars screening, the concert won't be oh, readily available in a week. Maybe it's because there's nothing so important in my life that I would trade for that level of moderate discomfort. Unless a loved one was dying and there was a line for say, the cure for cancer. I would probably camp out for that.

At any rate, the funny thing about this, (being somewhat of a mild nerdette girl myself), is that Mr. Litelysalted drove around Sunday morning to see if he could actually find us a Wii. Because I'd be lying if I said the Litelysalted household wasn't a little intrigued by the new Nintendo System.

After he drove by Best Buy and Target seeing hundreds of people lined up around the buildings, he took a chance and headed to Sears, where he pretty much just walked in and got one. Out of three they had available. And he got the first one. Suck on that, nerds!

And now. Onto my... Review of the Nintendo Wii!!!
This is a ridiculously fun and well planned out video game system. The wireless controller (pictured above) comes in two separable parts, so for simpler games and actions you need only use the wand on the right. The system comes with a Wii Sports game in which you actually act out the sports using the intuitive motion sensitive controllers, with avatars you create in your likeness. It's crazy. For example, since I kind of suck at baseball in real life, I kind of suck at Wii Baseball. Whereas, on the other hand, since I am pretty good at bowling and Mr. Litelysalted has only ever bowled once in his life, I easily mopped the floor with him. This is also the perfect solution for our Fat American Children. I was easily winded and slightly perspiring after a couple rounds of Wii Boxing.

However, one possibly downfall I can see with this system is that there will likely be a high injury rate and probably a few good lawsuits coming to Nintendo. In the short time I played with it, I bashed the fuck out of my thumb playing the boxing game, (when my focus was finally torn from the game I noticed that had blood dripping down my hand) and I almost took the Mr.'s head off with the "bat" playing baseball. And I'm 29! Can you even begin to imagine the kind of destruction a child could do with this thing? Or forget kids... what about the nerds?

I was at a barbecue once, where the host's nerdy brother and friends dressed up at Renaissance Dorks and pretend fought each other with sticks. So one of them ended up breaking something and they had to call 911 to get an ambulance, and then there was the whole thing about it being a barbecue with kegs and not entirely an "Over 21" crowd. I'd hate to see what a pair of nerds like that could do to each other with the plastic Nintendo stick. No, actually... I probably wouldn't hate that at all. Now excuse me whilst I search YouTube for Wii Related Injury Footage...

Meta Fantastico!

After a series of carefully orchestrated Sunday afternoon plans fell through, I found myself tagging along with my mother and sister to see Stranger Than Fiction. I don't go to the movies often because I'm largely uninterested in modern mainstream film, and also because I don't care much for the movie-going experience. (Read: I'm cheap and I don't like people.) I didn't know much about this film going into it, and unenthusiastically assumed it was going to be Will Ferrell Comedy Project #73526. On the other hand, free tickets and a Tony Hale cameo won me over.

Lucky for me, because I was extremely pleasantly surprised by this mature, insightful yet humorous movie. The acting was great across the board. Will Ferrell was charming and entertaining to watch, sans the hamminess I've come to expect of him. And Dustin Hoffman? The guy is always great (although I say this without having seen Meet the Fockers) but even for him; an outstanding performance. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't harbor a bit of a Girl!Crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal after seeing this film.

Bonus #1.) Tony Hale has the same effect on me as dangling car keys to a baby. Every time he appeared on screen, I was powerless as my face broke out into an ear-to-ear smile. Who else could pump so much moxie into such a small throwaway role? He doesn't even need to say anything; I laughed out loud in scenes where he didn't even have any lines. If I hated the rest of this movie, I would still watch it again for the Tony Hale scenes.

Bonus #2.) The Jam's That's Entertainment played over a pivotal scene towards the end of the movie. I fucking love The Jam. And it's nice to hear music I appreciate being used for something more artistic than a Nissan commercial, for once. Rock!

Bonus #3.) My mom thinks Will Ferrell is cuuuuuuuute! Hee! If I told you on any other day that Will Ferrell and Clay Aiken had something in common, you'd never believe me...

Lifetime Movie Review: No One Would Tell

No One Would Tell (1996) is the not so touching story of a frumpy, spineless 16 year old girl (Candace Cameron) who gets routinely abused and eventually murdered by her popular senior wrestler psychotic boyfriend (Fred Savage). With both young actors "riding high" off of their respective television series, it's hard to fathom why this little gem didn't skyrocket them both into super-stardom.

No wait, it's actually probably because no one wants to see Kevin Arnold beat the shit out of DJ Tanner. Well, no one besides me and Mr. Litelysalted, anyway. And probably many of my readers... And most college kids. And snarky people in general. Actually it was a pretty awesome movie, as far as Lifetime movies go. But pretty shitty as far as serious movies about domestic abuse go. Of course it was! As any movie airing on Lifetime you can pretty much assume is a trainwreck.

The thing I love about Lifetime movies is that 90% of the movies fall into two categories: Women trying to steal other women's lives/families and Husbands/boyfriends/Mysterious Handsome Strangers with "sinister" secrets and/or dark pasts. Another guarantee is that 90% of Lifetime movies feature the following words in their titles: Fatal, Passion, Secret(s), Deadly, Affair, Obsession, Stranger, Dangerous, Kiss, Crime, Killer, Mother('s), Night, Stolen, and Silence. This stuff is like catnip to women, myself included.

Note: I'd like to thank Candace Cameron-Bure's website for providing me with the above photo. You think most actresses would want to curl up and die before admitting to appearing in this movie... And she not only proudly features it on her site, but includes an accompanying photo gallery. Kudos to you, Mrs. Bure, for knowing no shame!

Indie Movie Dreck.

What's the difference between "indie" and "low-budget" anyway? And does The Squid and the Whale even fall into either of those categories? If a shitty movie falls immediately into obscurity, does anyone even care? Those, my friends, are questions I do not even care enough to explore.

I'm not crazy much for films which esteem shock value over things like interesting characters and plots (I'm looking at you, Todd Solondz.) At any rate, the Squid and the Whale was no exception. I can't really give much of a review because I turned it off a half hour into the movie. Not so much because it featured a small child drinking beer and talking about his mother in explicit sexual situations, but because it was a boring movie which featured a small child drinking beer and talking about his mother in explicit sexual situations. And all of the characters were assholes, even the kids. One thing I can't get behind is a movie where every single character is grating and unlikeable. Which was why I'm one of the few people I know who didn't care much for Sideways. But at least Sideways had an interesting plot, as well as snarky moments that made me giggle.

Moving on, the only redeeming thing about the Squid and the Whale were the craptactically horrrrrrrible indie (read: low-budget) previews before the movie that I thankfully did not skip over per usual. If I told you such a movie existed that starred Bobby Donnell from The Practice and Snoop Dog as writers (yes Snoop Dog as a writer, what's next Tara Reid as a scientist? Oh, WAIT..) sharing a mostly abandoned apartment building with the definite possibility of racial hijinks to ensue... You would probably laugh in my face and call me a fucking liar. But no friends! This movie exists! And here is concrete evidence. Yup, no way you could photoshop that.


The Tenants: Coming soon to the dollar DVD rack at a video store near you!

My favorite retards.

While waiting for a show to come on FX the other day, I had the misfortune of catching the last 10 minutes of the movie Radio, starring Cuba "Snowdogs" Gooding Jr. Normally I love movies about retarded people, but even the hilarity of Cuba (poorly) attempting to play a retarded man was not enough to make this schmoopy, inspirational dreck watchable.

Playing a mentally challenged person is a big gamble for an actor. If done well, it can garner awards and respect. If not, it's going to be a grossly embarrassing failure. Although in my opinion, one consistency of the good and the bad is that they're almost always hilarious. And so, I bring you: my favorite movie 'tards.

Sling Blade: Homicidal Maniac With A Heart Of Gold-Tard
Oh Billy Bob, you had me at French Fried Potaters. Sling Blade taught me that just because a movie about a retarded man is superbly cast, acted and written, that it can't still be totally funny. (Funny ha ha, not funny queer.)


The Other Sister: Fakeout-Tard
One might think, that since Juliette Lewis looks and acts like a person with Downs Syndrome in real life that she would be able to convincingly portray one on film. Not so, my friends! Giovanni Ribisi's acting fared a little better, but paired with the tragedy that is Juliette Lewis and the overall terrible script he was a goner. According to IMDB this movie is categorized as Drama/Comedy/Romance. I'm just not clear on which parts are which. I guess two retarded people having sex to recorded Marching Band music kind of touches on all three.

Stevie: Doc-Tard
Stevie is a documentary about a retarded man living in rural Illinois. It is funny and sad, as exploitation stories about the retarded and unfortunate usually are. The director of this movie (Steve James of Hoop Dreams) was at one time a "Big Brother" to Stevie, and comes back to see what's become of him after a decade gone by. When describing the plot to my mother she asked if what became of Stevie was "good or bad." Well, without spoiling anything, if it was "good," it probably wouldn't make for a very interesting documentary, now would it?

Forrest Gump: Oscar-Tard
I love Tom Hanks and I love Forrest Gump. LOVE! I have nothing snarky to say about this movie whatsoever, and did not laugh at one inappropriate time while watching it. I would say Tom Hanks can do no wrong, but you know... DaVinci Code and all.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape: DiCapr-a-Tard
Oh, what this? A Juliette Lewis flick makes my list again? Coincidence?? I think part of the reason why I love this movie so much is seeing that smug prick DiCaprio playing a poor retarded boy. Titanic who? This is inarguably his best film role to date. This is another example of a movie that's done very well yet still manages to be inappropriately funny. Just looking at DiCaprio's stupid face makes me want to laugh already!