Mouse Update!

Last night: two more traps.

I found one mouse that looked like this...



And another mousetrap that was empty of both mouse and tasty bait. I can only imagine something like this has taken place:


On the upside? No one else ventured onto the table or counter, which may be in part because I Clorox'ed every conceivable kitchen surface and also hid all the food away in locked cabinets or the refrigerator. But now I have to eat cold bread. Thanks, asshole meeces.

Here is an awesome Kids In The Hall sketch, which pretty much sums up how I feel this week. And yes I even got tanked and taunted the mouse in my underwear, too. Enjoy!

You're next, Mickey.

Between a rock solid combination of construction, the changing of the seasons, and the wafting aroma of delicious Christmas cookies, the Litelysalted household has gone from "no mice" to "infested" over the course of one night. Seriously. I'm gagging as I'm writing this.

Sunday I made cookies. Monday morning I woke up to mouse poopies all over my kitchen table. Luckily the 4 odd hours I spent baking my organic whole wheat cookies weren't in vain, since mice apparently can't chew through cookie tins. One disinfected kitchen table (and several disinfected outsides-of-cookie-tins) later... I set two mousetraps, confident the problem was solved.

Last night I had nightmares as a result of being roused from slumber from the "SNAP!" and proceeding death throes/nerve spasming of some unlucky mouse. This morning, I woke to not one but two traps full of disgusting mouse carcass. As well as twice as many poops on the table, and this time they figured out how to get up onto the kitchen counter to eat my bread. (And poop on my counter.)

Dear readers, I implore you. Does anyone have any experience with humane mousetraps? Not so much because I care about the little disease-spreading shit factories. I just want to spare myself the revulsion of their grisly deaths, and then I'll take the humane traps and go find a bridge to empty them out over a river or an overpass. That's right, you heard me. I may love the animals, but when you shit in my kitchen and eat my food? It's fucking personal.

So You Think You Can Backpedal

This just in! Michael Richards: Not A Racist! No, he was just pissed because those guys were being such jerks! If it was white people heckling him he probably would have called them stupid honkey cracker-ass motherfuckers! Jeeze... Some people take everything so seriously.

Vote, Motherfucker, Vote!

I waited in line for FORTY MINUTES on an injured foot, was late for work and had to forego my morning coffee, (which makes me the Pissmaster General), but it will be totally worth it if we boot Bush's little fuckbuddy cohorts out of office. Oh, and then, as I was hauling ass to work, some stupid bitch in an SUV* wouldn't move her ass out of the left lane doing 60. When I was finally able to pass her on the right, I honked and gave her the finger. I haven't done that in awhile, and it made me feel pretty good.

I digress. If you're sick and tired of the way this country is being run shut up and DO something about it! Get your ass to the polls, NO EXCUSES!

* Why do people drive SUVs who are clearly not skilled to drive an SUV? The next time I have to wait in a parking lot while some idiot puts it in reverse drive reverse drive reverse drive trying to make a SIMPLE MANEUVER out of a parking space I'm going to go ballistic.

I weep for America.

You know what just ruins my whole day? When all I want is a delicious hot dog, but then I actually have to take a hot dog out of the package, reseal the package, cook it in the microwave, and put it on a bun. ALL BY MYSELF! Who do I look like, Martha fucking Stewart?! Come on! I'm a busy lady here. I don't just have the time to spend my whole life in the kitchen.

Well, GOD BLESS the fine people at Oscar Meyer for making my life easier. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME! Now if they could only figure out a way to surgically implant these Fast Franks with mustard and ketchup instead of making me have to go putting it on myself. (I mean, what is THAT about?) Then and only then, will my life would be complete.