Fun Facts About Your Web Mistress

I wasn't invited to play, and I don't think anyone reads this stupid website anymore -- but fuck it. Here are seven fun facts about yours truly.

1. I didn't learn to drive until I was 23 years old.
I have about a million excuses for this, but not a single good one.

2. I have been involved in four motor vehicle accidents since the age of 23.
Only one of them completely wasn't my fault at all. See? I always knew I wouldn't be good at driving.

3. I was born pigeon-toed.
I think I may have covered this once before. My parents wanted to have my legs surgically corrected, but I guess the doctor talked them out of it on account of the cruelty and all. This was later self-corrected after the hellish two years of Jr. High took their toll on my self esteem.

4. I watched Vice Versa starring Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold this weekend.
That's right. I watched it, because I love it -- so go fuck yourselves, you elitist barfbags.

5. I pierced my ears 13 times in high school.
Except for the first two on each side, I did all the rest myself. Because I was and always will be punk as fuck. Also? Stupid as fuck -- because as a result I have horrible scarring all up and down my ears as an adult.

6. I am almost legally blind.
Bet you guys didn't know what a freakshow I was, huh? Contact lens prescription: -7.50 (left) and -8.0 (right). Someday I plan in getting lasik but knowing my luck my vision will continue going downhill.

7. My sister and Mr. Salty's brother are married.
Yessss, incest, gloooorious incest. Well, not really. Anyway, this is a fact that never fails to fascinate people, so I thought I'd include it. Yes we come from a small town.

Photographic Evidence

An update to my previous post: a friend of my sister who lives right near the film shoot scored some photos. Enjoy!






And finally, Larry proudly standing in front of his bitchin' new sign!

Hollywood, Pennsylvania

I haven't seen an M. Night Shyamalan film since Signs in 2002, which I mostly enjoyed, and coincidentally was before Mel Gibson totally went off the deep end. I'm pretty much neutral with his stuff, and just don't care enough to really like it or hate it either way. But here's an interested tidbit -- Shyamalan, who grew up in the Philadelphia area, is notorious for filming in the city and surrounding countryside. But his upcoming film, The Happening, starring Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, is actually filming (at least parts) in my old hometown. I heard last week that they shut down a major route that runs through the borough and a few of the local establishments were commandeered for filming -- including Larry's Automotive, where I used to take the Salty Mobile for oil changes and repairs; and The G Lodge, where I enjoyed many a greasy hungover breakfast.

I passed through over the weekend, and noticed that Larry got a new sign out of the deal, which is pretty sweet for him -- since previously the building just had the old Gordon's Getty Station sign up, the business which had inhabited the building before Larry took over. The G Lodge, on the other hand, got a sign reading "Filbert Cafe," so I guess that sucks for them.

In addition to being home to the famous movie theater featured in "the Blob" -- this is the second time this year a film has been shot in good old Phoenixville. Earlier in the year, David Boreanaz's upcoming film Our Lady of Victory shot scenes inside the Prima Motel and Cocktail Lounge -- hilariously due to the film being a seventies period piece, and the Prima literally having cockroaches older than that. Unfortunately, Boreanaz wasn't actually in the scene, which was kind of bust for me because I waited in the bushes with a bottle of ether for 12 hours for practically nothing.

Who Was That Moustachioed Woman?

I think this is proof, that we humans as a species, have finally run our course: The Pet Moustache Generator. Seriously, we perfected the wheel, harnessed electricity and (questionably) put a man on the moon. If it's come to giving ourselves virtual moustaches? I think it's time to quit while we're ahead.

Besides, this moustache totally sucks ass. I could make one that's like, a thousand times better in photoshop.

Fun With Ebay

Alright kids, here's your assignment. Who would like point out for me, in no uncertain terms -- what is wrong with this picture?

Multitasking

I'm back, motherfucker, back! If anyone has been wondering as to my whereabouts this week, as I mentioned downpost, I had gone to a better place– working from home. And so my time this week was spent: alternating between valid job productivity, (which always somehow manages to elude me in an office environment, ironically enough) watching trashy daytime television (as any of my faithful readers would have undoubtedly predicted) and taking frequent breaks to spend some time outdoors with my dogs during the (finally) GORGEOUS seasonable weather we've been having here in Southeastern Pennsylvania.

If any of you would like any proof as to my whereabouts, please contact any of the 20 men who were performing various feats of drywalling and stuccoing at my home this week. It kept things interesting. Whereas most people might be a bit weirded out to be cooking eggs in their pajamas, and glancing towards the kitchen window to find a strange man peering back in, at the Salted household it just became known as "Friday."

And now for the weekly Airing of the Grievances. Thursday evenings are my Numero Uno Television Happy Fun Time, because my two current faves, The Office and Supernatural, air back to back. But you know what? I have had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of NBC's wacky fucking scheduling. Oh, look at me– I'm a greedy dick of a television network. I'll just start the show at 8:36 and run it until 9:20... Because if you happen to watch another show on another network after ours, well... Sucks to be you! Because it would be unthinkable that anyone wouldn't stick around for Scrubs, right?

Okay, now I have a confession to make: I just started liking Scrubs. Up until 2 years ago, I did not have a work and/or school schedule that gave me regular access to primetime television viewing for the better part of a decade. So any of my favorite shows that aired between ten and two years ago (Buffy, Newsradio, Freaks and Geeks) I've either caught on syndication or DVD. Arrested Development is an exception to the rule, because that aired Sundays. So, I can be proud to say I wasn't one of the ones who helped kill it.

Scrubs, I was determined not to like. Because Zach Barf's non-threatening good looks annoy the living shit out of me and because of Garden State: A movie I loathe to my core, sight unseen. But recently, I gave in and watched a handful of episodes on Comedy Central. And you know what? Everyone was right. It's funny and clever and wacky and smart and touching all at the same time. But Barfo? He can still kiss my ass. That cutesy act doesn't fool me for a second.

There you have it folks, a week's worth of ramblings neatly packaged just for you. Next week I should return to normal posting habits. Also, I'll confirm details at a later date, but it looks like next week I will also embarking on a Guest Editor gig at yeeeah!, helping out the hilarious and talented Abby. Wish me luck!

Is Christian Finnegan Anorexic?

Admittedly, I don't watch Best Week Ever as often as I used to, ever since I realized that The Soup provides a more effective dose of weekly pop culture snark. But lately, whenever I see BWE comedian Christian Finnegan (on commercials or otherwise) he is looking less and less like himself. Well I just happened upon his photo on myspace and the reason is suddenly crystal clear. He is turning into Fire Marshal Bill. Don't believe me?

Check it out.

Christian, if you're out there: Seriously. Let your inner chubby guy out. You know you want that cookie, bro. All chocolately and crumbley. Go ahead, I won't tell... It'll be our secret.

Shitty Painter

I mentioned a few posts ago that, while I may be much happier in life now, my blog was more entertaining back when I had my old crappy job which provided an endless source of comedic relief; albeit at my expense.

Well my eyes and ears over there recently provided me with this tidbit of awesomeness. I wasn't going to post it at first, because I didn't want anyone to get sued, fired, etc. However with some strategically placed pink blocks I may have successfully dodged a bullet.

Click to enlarge!

Somebody at my work buys shitty Halloween Candy.

Yes, I know Halloween was over a month ago. However, our office "Bowl of Halloween Scraps" still lives on today. On the menu this afternoon is a box of WEIRDS. The people over at World Confections (Pakistan) weren't even trying with this one. But if you've got a craving for Nerds... (and let's face it, who doesn't from time to time?) These'll do the job.

Dogs don't even understand what a Santa is!!

My sister is going to kill me for posting this, but come on. This is the funniest Santa related thing I have seen since my previous blog entry. And it's really okay, because she knows I'm just jealous because my dogs would be snarling and foaming messes, trying to kill Santa.

Secret Santa

The following is an actual secret santa list from the company I used to work for, (thanks to one of my "moles" still on the inside), proceeded by the ensuing chain email discussion with myself, said mole, and another unidentified ex-employee. Enjoy!



BF: This is completely, 100% real. The brainpower at this company is mindblowing!

AM: What exactly is it?

BF: One of the artists’ lists for what somebody can get him for secret santa.

LS: Ohhh!!! I didn't understand. I thought it was a scrap of paper that accidentally got digitized...

AM: I hope “bowels” is actually bowls~ They should also ask for new crayons—the fat kind.

BF: I can only assume that it’s ‘bowls’. That kid is such a retard.

AM: I hope he gets his new bowels!!

LS: You guys are making me crack up so bad... For real. They must think I'm crying over here.

LS: Was he actually educated in graphic design or were they just shorthanded one day and sat one of the janitors in front of a computer?

BF: I have no clue what his background is, or who hired him, or if he filled out his application with crayon. But he was hired as an artist and has worked here for a while...

AM: Well, its not unreasonable to ask for new bowels at Christmastime but you might prioritize them over chopsticks if such is the case….

BF: We’re constantly sending that kid’s reject notes to each other because it’s worse than what India sends back. ____ picked that out and he couldn’t even breathe...

LS: I can barely breathe now! He's got to be Joe Simmons'* illegitimate offspring.

AM: Ahaaaaaaaaaaaa I laughed out loud at that. I’m irritating the people around me :D

* Joe Simmons was a creepy, old retarded employee we all used to work with, who would hit on all the 20-something girls and could not handle the most simple of work-related tasks or brain functions. He was originally a Yellowbook employee (whom our company was contracted to) and was unceremoniously dumped on us, where he was then routinely demoted until I think he actually ceased to exist.

Nerds on Parade!

Here we have a photo taken on the morning of Saturday November 18. I guess "Nerds on Parade" is kind of overselling it, when in actuality it's more like "Nerds Standing Quietly and Sometimes Sitting in the Tent on the Sidewalk." What we have here is the ultimate demonstration of human desolation: Nerds Camping Out for a New Nintendo Wii System.

I never understood the whole "Camping Out for Stuff" thing. A concert ticket I can almost understand, because unlike a video game system or Star Wars screening, the concert won't be oh, readily available in a week. Maybe it's because there's nothing so important in my life that I would trade for that level of moderate discomfort. Unless a loved one was dying and there was a line for say, the cure for cancer. I would probably camp out for that.

At any rate, the funny thing about this, (being somewhat of a mild nerdette girl myself), is that Mr. Litelysalted drove around Sunday morning to see if he could actually find us a Wii. Because I'd be lying if I said the Litelysalted household wasn't a little intrigued by the new Nintendo System.

After he drove by Best Buy and Target seeing hundreds of people lined up around the buildings, he took a chance and headed to Sears, where he pretty much just walked in and got one. Out of three they had available. And he got the first one. Suck on that, nerds!

And now. Onto my... Review of the Nintendo Wii!!!
This is a ridiculously fun and well planned out video game system. The wireless controller (pictured above) comes in two separable parts, so for simpler games and actions you need only use the wand on the right. The system comes with a Wii Sports game in which you actually act out the sports using the intuitive motion sensitive controllers, with avatars you create in your likeness. It's crazy. For example, since I kind of suck at baseball in real life, I kind of suck at Wii Baseball. Whereas, on the other hand, since I am pretty good at bowling and Mr. Litelysalted has only ever bowled once in his life, I easily mopped the floor with him. This is also the perfect solution for our Fat American Children. I was easily winded and slightly perspiring after a couple rounds of Wii Boxing.

However, one possibly downfall I can see with this system is that there will likely be a high injury rate and probably a few good lawsuits coming to Nintendo. In the short time I played with it, I bashed the fuck out of my thumb playing the boxing game, (when my focus was finally torn from the game I noticed that had blood dripping down my hand) and I almost took the Mr.'s head off with the "bat" playing baseball. And I'm 29! Can you even begin to imagine the kind of destruction a child could do with this thing? Or forget kids... what about the nerds?

I was at a barbecue once, where the host's nerdy brother and friends dressed up at Renaissance Dorks and pretend fought each other with sticks. So one of them ended up breaking something and they had to call 911 to get an ambulance, and then there was the whole thing about it being a barbecue with kegs and not entirely an "Over 21" crowd. I'd hate to see what a pair of nerds like that could do to each other with the plastic Nintendo stick. No, actually... I probably wouldn't hate that at all. Now excuse me whilst I search YouTube for Wii Related Injury Footage...

It's my special day!

After 25 or so, birthdays are just like getting kicked in the nuts, only you get presents so it's not so bad. Unless you're like me and your mom goes shopping for you at your favorite store and still manages to get you pants that look like this. Then, even the present itself is kind of like a kick in the nuts.

I'm crying real tears right now.

Here are some links to leaked AOL search engine results. Aaaand, here are some more. If you're having any doubts, whatsoever, about clicking on these links, below is a little taste of what you're going to find.

Computer geek chic.

Now your old pal Litelysalted here is a true blue Mac enthusiast. However I find these not-so-new apple commercials to be kind of trite and insulting. If you don't immediately recognize the above image, here is the premise: the "cool guy" represents sexy, hip Macintosh and the "stupid nerd" is supposed to be a stodgy old stick-in-the-mud PC. In essence, I agree with the sentiment. Macs rule and PCs drool. I have extensive experience with both platforms so this is an educated opinion. I once had a Dell laptop whose motherboard crashed 'n burned about a week after the warranty expired and I spent almost as much fixing it as I did on the stupid piece of crap in the first place.

I digress. The part that I find insulting is the choice of individuals used to represent the cool and the not-so-much. Justin Long, (cool guy) is a lame actor who has starred in a slew of embarrassingly gay movies such as Jeepers Creepers, Herbie Fully Loaded and Crossroads. (Yes, as in the Britney Spears movie.)

John Hodgman on the other hand, is a brilliant writer, Daily Show correspondent, as well as humor editor of the New York Times. Sorry apple. I know you're all about image and aesthetics and all, (which I do appreciate, really) but when it comes down to it I'd take the intellectual over the pretty boy every time. Okay, most of the time. (So sue me, Litelysalted loves herself some Supernatural.)

Litelysalted's Favorite Things

You know how Oprah has that show, "Oprah's Favorite Things?" Well these are my favorite things. Only you don't get any of them, unless you go buy them yourself. Sorry, I'm not rich like "Oprah" so I can't "afford it." Oh, and by the way, before you go thinking I love Oprah... I've only ever seen her show like a couple of times in my life. Although I actually did see a "favorite things" episode, when my old roommate Megan The Mean Fake Hippie made me watch it. So there!

Morningstar Farms new Philly Cheesesteak Burgers. These things are a little slice of heaven. Grill em up, and bake em on a kaiser roll with some cheese and sweet peppers. My god!

J Crew's "Critter" collection. If anyone ever needed even more evidence that I am a Huge Nerd, here it is. I will literally buy anything that has cute little things embroidered on it. I have shirts, tanks, sweaters, skirts, handbags, lounge pants, flip flops, belts, hats, and even nighties with an assortment of little animals, bugs, fruits, and even modes of transportation. There must come a point in every woman's life, when they hit their late twenties and suddenly decide it's time to start dressing like a grownup and stop wearing clothes with stupid things on them. Luckily for me, that day hasn't come yet!

Amigo Bagels, from my local bagel joint. I don't know why they call them Amigo Bagels, because that translates to "Friend Bagels." Hee! Friend Bagels! But they are jam packed with jalapeno-ey salsa goodness and that's all that matters to me.

The Magic Bullet. Well, it would be one of my favorite things if Mister LitelySalted would let me get one. But apparently he thinks I should have learned my lesson from The Pasta Pot (with lid draining action) and The Quick Chop (that had blades as sharp as a pre-schooler's plastic scissors.)

Hardy's Stamp of Australia boxed wines. Now we all know I'm a classy broad, right? Stop that snickering, you! Regardless. I have no problem drinking wine out of a box, just so long it doesn't taste like swill. Well not only does Hardy's not taste like swill, but it is actually pretty good! (That should be their selling point: Hardy's: doesn't taste like swill!) So far I have tried the Shiraz and the Riesling and I believe that they are comparable to higher priced bottled versions. Hardy's costs approximately $15-$20 for a 3-liter box, which amounts to about 4 bottles.

TV Shows on DVD. There's something you should know about me. I'm the world's biggest TV junkie. If I have seen a show at least 3 times and enjoyed it, chances are I own it, have contemplated (or am planning on) purchasing, or have rented from Netflix. Actual examples include: Angel, Different Strokes, Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats, Quantum Leap, Night Court, Beavis and Butthead, The Monkees, The Wonder Years*, The Pink Panther collection, Amazing Stories (Holy crapcakes! That comes out today!), Supernatural, and Alf. Because of financial and space constraints, I am already behind a season or two (I gave up on the Simpsons about 5 seasons ago) on shows I love like NewsRadio and Kids in the Hall.

*The Wonder Years isn't actually available on DVD as of yet, due to music licensing issues with it's amazing soundtrack. But you know when it does become available I will be pre-ordering it from Amazon in a hot minute!