Sweet, Sweet Vengeance.

Loaded question-
noun
A question that carries an assumption, and is worded in such a way so that the respondent who answers the question directly admits to accepting that assumption. : What was the sweetest revenge you ever had???

A dear friend recently asked me this question, while contemplating her own brand of punishment for a very worthy recipient. This is a tough one. Readers, I don't want you to think less of me... But then again I didn't get the name Ms. Salted for nothing. I have done some horrible, horrible things in my past. I have verbally bitchsmacked, physically assaulted, spread rumors and revealed secrets.

Without incriminating myself too much in this somewhat public forum, I can reveal to you one particularly deplorable tale of revenge. Sophomore year of college I was living in the dorms with a girl who at any given moment could be my best friend or worst enemy. A total drama-rama type, she slept around BIG TIME... Often with guys who happened to be involved with friends of hers.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when I found out she came on to my Biggest Boy Crush In The Whole Wide World. She barely knew this boy, other than what she had heard listening to me endlessly gush about him. Well as the story goes, one night as she saw him while drunkenly meandering the streets from whatever stupid party she had been at, went up and grabbed him and attempted to shove her tongue down his throat. Naturally, having the good sense and the discriminating taste of a boy worthy of Ms. Salted's attention, he rebuffed her advances. Unfortunately for her, however, the news quickly made it's way back to me.

So... this is what I did. I took her toothbrush, went into the dorm bathroom, made business in the dorm toilet, and then proceeded to dunk in the toothbrush and scrub the sides of the bowl with it. Years later I saw on a pop culture clip show that a similar act was carried out on the reality show Big Brother. While the commentators all said what a heinous, reprehensible act of barbarity it was... I couldn't help thinking, "Come on! I'm sure the guy had his reasons!"

An old friend of mine used to say that I was the most loyal of friends and without a doubt, the best person you could have on your side; "But GOD HELP YOU if you piss her off!" Fear not, society! That part of me has lain dormant for quite some time now.

But now it's your turn. I showed you mine now you show me yours. Revenge stories: let's have 'em, people! Unlike myself, you can post anonymously... So don't hold back.

Happily Cohabiting.

Shhh.... Wanna know a secret? It's a little known fact, unbeknownst to many of my readers, that Mr. Salted and I are not exactly Mr. and Mrs. Salted in a "legally binding, holy matrimony" kind of way. For the purposes of this blog, I refer to him as Mr. Salted, just because it's easier than, say... "Man with whom with I share a mortgage and two dogs."

The fact of it is, we've got nothing against marriage. I've even got an antique engagement ring that we bought off of ebay for a couple hundred bucks. But it wasn't so much about us wanting to "seal our commitment" than the fact that I like sparkly old things.

So I guess if I had to actually pinpoint the exact reasons why we're not married, it's mostly because we're kind of lazy, pretty immature, and don't like being bothered or hassled in any way, shape or form. Oh and it doesn't help that my family is pretty much crazy. So one thing I tell people sometimes, is that if we do decide to get hitched, it will be far, far away from my anyone in my family. So right there that kind of rules out a wedding... You know, without hurting any one's feelings anyway.

Case in point: My sister (not crazy) got married this past summer. A visit to the parents' house after the wedding photos came back yielded a frightening discovery. Fourteen framed wedding photos I counted. What's that you say? That's not so bad? No, my friends... Sadly, that was JUST IN THE LIVING ROOM! When questioned as to why there were a maniacal and obscene amount of wedding photographs covering every conceivable surface and inch of wall space in their home, my mom answered with, "Well, there were just so many good ones!" I should note that my mother's interpretation of a "good" photograph can mean anything from a smaller version of a larger photo that my father scanned and printed out himself, to a candid shot with other people in the background that she blacked out with a magic marker.

Desire to avoid a creepy matrimonial shrine notwithstanding, we're pretty content as things stand. The only thing I could do without are the constant queries about my (lack of) marital status by everyone from family friends and relatives to gym acquaintances to doctors. Why, in this day and age, people have such a difficult time grasping the concept of "happily unmarried" is beyond me, while many couples flippantly take their vows. But rather than try to begin to dissect the ethics and standards society places upon marriage nowadays, let me just sum it up with this, "No, we ain't married, we got no plans of gettin' married, now get the hell up out our bidness!"

It's not me— it's you.

What happens when a friendship has outlived it's worth? I think we all have that one friend, the friend we've known since forever. Maybe the friendship was founded on convenience or circumstance. Or maybe the two of you were just completely different places in your lives when the original bond was made. Maybe you were children! But beyond any history you have with this person, the bottom line is that if the two of you were introduced today, there would be about ZERO chance of a friendship blossoming. Period.

Now that's all well and good. Maybe you've got that friend. And maybe even, for all your differences, you still love this person to death, and cherish them like family. But on the other hand...
What if you don't?

Friends and readers need not worry. You are not the inspiration for this blog. Oh, this person of inspiration very much exists. But to him or her, the internet is but a means of sending out the occasional mass emailing to either brag or cry for attention.

I digress. A bitch session was not my intention. What does one do when an old friend crosses into the realm of nuisance and chore? Do you simply avoid the phone calls? If you're like me, unadulterated phone time is a precious commodity. Do you really want to waste this valued time chatting with someone who makes you grit your teeth through the conversation?

There just isn't any graceful way of breaking up with a friend. You simply can't say, "I think we should just be friends." Because... aaaaakward! And let's face it. Deep down inside you don't want to cut them off. If you stayed friends this long there was probably, at some point, something redeeming about the friendship. What if this person really came through for you in a time of need? Could you really turn your back on them like that? What's more, how could you live with that burden of guilt on your shoulders? For the rest of your life! Or what about all those good times you had. Cutting off the friendship would be desecrating those memories.

Readers I implore you. If anyone out there had found a way to gracefully end a friendship; or even put it on the shelf, to be occasionally dusted off and admired... Well, I would like to know. And I know for a fact that I am not the only one dealing with an exhausting and tired friendship. Adding your thoughts would almost be like civic duty. You don't want to let down your fellow man, do you? Commence discussion.... now!