Adventures in Pomegranate

Recently I read in the Fitness magazine which gets delivered to my home every month, that while you can get some of the nutritional benefits from drinking pomegranate juice -- there really is no substitute for eating the fruit itself. The short article was accompanied by a delicious looking split open pomegranate, which singlehandedly inspired me to grab a $2 pomegranate I noticed on a produce display while stopping by the grocery store on my way home from work earlier this evening.

Biggest two dollar mistake ever. As I tentatively approached the fruit, it suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea what the hell to do with it. I tried cutting it in half and eating it with a spoon like a grapefruit. Delicious, yes. However I soon realized, one white t-shirt later, that what the article had failed to mention was that one attempting to eat pomegranate ought to wear some sort of smock or protective clothing much like an eight year old attending elementary school art class. I ended up cutting it like an orange, juice squirting out like a geyser, and eating it over the sink with reddish-purple juice dripping down my face and hands onto a -- now completely stained -- pair of Victoria's Secret flannel pajamas. And that was only half it. I conceded defeat and put the other half back into the refrigerator, presumably where it will stay for the next two or three weeks until I throw the rotting carcass into the trash.

So yeah, while the fruit itself is undeniably tasty, from now on I'll enjoy pomegranate the way God intended -- in a $3 per 8 ounce glass bottle, thankyouverymuch.

Why is flavored Pepsi gross?

Don't get me wrong. Everytime I see a new novelty Pepsi product, (or Coke, but I lean more towards Pepsi) I get totally psyched and think automatically, that it is going to rule! After all, I love mixing diet sodas and light juices together to make my own fruity low-cal beverage concoctions. The best is mixing the Diet Coke and Light Lemonade at Wawa to make a little thing I like to call "Lemony Soda." (Trademark, bitches!)

But I must have had a really bad experience with rum and coke somewhere in my adolescence, because whenever I taste any kind of Pepsi Vanilla, Twist, Lime, etc. product, I always think it just tastes like booze. The only flavored Pepsi I've tried that's not totally rank is Wild Cherry. Diet Pepsi Vanilla tastes like Malibu & Coke... Diet Pepsi Twist; Bacardi & Coke, etc.

The newest flavored Pepsi product: Diet Pepsi Jazz (Strawberries & Cream), is no exception. It sounds appealing... Well, to me, anyway, since I like weird fruity, candy-flavored drinks. On first sip it's not half bad, but the longer you drink it, the more it just tastes like some foul, nasty mixed drink that you would make in high school when your friend's parents are out of town and you raid the liquor cabinet. OH! And what's up with that name? Pepsi Jazz? Nice work, marketing department! I ran out and purchased this product, toot sweet so in the event that I liked it, I could stock up; since I give the stuff an expected shelf life of, oh, two weeks from now.

Shittiest Cookbook Ever.

On my way out of Borders the other day, I passed the bargain book rack and noticed this cookbook on clearance for 5 bucks. Since I was running back to work, I quickly leafed through it and upon seeing a few recipes such as Lentil-Vegetable Soup, Black Bean Soup and Vegetable Chili, made an impulse buy.

I own a slow cooker which I rarely use mostly because I'm at a loss as what to put in it. After reading this book, I'm still at a loss as to what to put in it. I realized upon further inspection that the main ingredient of the Vegetable-Lentil Soup was canned lentil soup. The hell?! If I wanted to eat canned soup, I'd just eat canned soup. It takes only minutes to heat up on the stovetop, hence the convenience aspect of it. But I don't want to eat canned soup because most of it is disgusting and loaded with preservatives and sodium. I'd say 90% of the recipes in this book start out with some sort of creamed soup base, all with ambiguous non-appetizing names. Now why couldn't I have flipped to any of these recipes before I made my impulse buy??

Here we go, and I ain't making these up:

Pizza Soup
Taco Soup
Is there anything that can't be enjoyed in soup form?

Cheddar Soup Plus
Plus love. Or, frozen peas.

Ole! For Stew
Hee!

Green Bean Revenge
If I were a Green Bean, I'd want revenge for topping me with crushed potato chips, too.

Krazy Karrots
Although, in my opinion carrots roasted in ranch dressing and brown sugar aren't so much "krazy" as "vomitous."

Super Corn
Yummy Corn
Neither "Super" or "Yummy."

Hoppin' John
This sounds a little too "toiletly" for my tastes. The last time I had a Hoppin' John was the day after a Chili Pepper Festival.

Crunchy Couscous
I'll make crunchy couscous right now. No crock pot required. Or heat source of any kind, for that matter.

Chicken for the Gods
The Gods of Shitty Crock Pot Cooking

Chicken Delight
Chicken Dinner
At some point they just got tired of coming up with chicken recipe names...

Chicken For Supper
Chicken-Ready Supper
Chicken Supper
Chicken-Supper Ready
...and then they just got fucking lazy.

Classy Chicken Dinner
Uses "petite" frozen peas. Ooh la, la! Rupert, do set out the fine china. We're having Classy Chicken Dinner tonight!

Make-Believe Lasagna
Best served with fake-ass garlic bread.

Cola Roast
It should come as no surprise that this recipe actually does contain soda.

Meat on the Table
Mmm.... Meat... On the Table...

Special Hot Dog Supper
If this is insinuating that this dish is for "special" people, well that's just an insult to retards everywhere.

Ham to the Rescue
Now who is going to rescue the poor innocent ham from the Cheez-Its? Yes, Cheez-Its. I wish I was making this up.

Aaaaand now for dessert!

Peaches With Crunch
Did Chinese people write this book??

Surprise Dessert
This dessert really sucks. Surprise!

Jolly Green in 2008!

Hell, I'd vote for him. It makes more sense than Schwarzenegger, anyway.

Wine Snob In Training.

Two things I really enjoy are supporting local businesses and drinking delicious wine. Lucky for me I live around Southeastern Pennsylvania, which has been emerging as an influential wine producing region I once read was comparable to the Napa Valley in the 70's. (Locals, check out the Pennsylvania Wine Website for more details!)

One thing I do not understand though, is that Clover Hill, the bigshot winery around here with six(!) retail locations, really, uh.. how should I put this? I don't know, what's the wine connoisseur's term for "totally sucks ass?"

A little while back I met up with good friend Constance at the local-ish shopping mall conglomerate to do some eating, drinking and perusing of expensive shoes/clothing. After lunch and knocking back a few pinot grigios, I suggested that we head down to the Clover Hill location in the mall to do some "wine tasting," (AKA add kindling to our buzzes.) I did warn her, however, that this wine was nothing to write home about and the unfortunate consequence of tasting unsavory wine was that you then felt pressured to buy something.

We headed over anyway. The grump at the tasting counter regarded us suspiciously, and snottily informed us that we could only taste six varieties. I don't know what could have ever possessed him to treat us that way. Certainly not because we already had booze waifting from our breath... No, probably because he's just got a stick up his ass because he works at a shitty mall winery. As we tasted the first wine, something dry and white, I looked at Constance and she made a face like she just taken a sip of motor oil. After trying six different wines we decided to buy the least grossest one (which also happened to come in a 375ml size bottle) but the attendant became involved with another customer, so we took the advantage to scurry out of the store. It made me feel like being a kid, when I'd go to the grocery store and stuff my face with candy from the serve serve bins and then bust ass to freedom before I got caught.

A few weeks later I happened to be wine trailing with my sister Beth and a few friends, and we passed by another Clover Hill location which happened to be only a mile from our destination winery. Of course everyone wanted to go to this one as well, and even though I warned of the craptasticness, ultimately the logic of "because we're right here..." won over.

It was a Saturday and the winery was packed full of yuppies, and even some yuppie children. Wouldn't you assume that a house of alcohol would be one place you'd be safe from obnoxious children? Oh, and stupid yuppies, this wine sucks. I bet most yuppies wouldn't know good wine if somebody bashed a bottle of it over their stupid yuppie heads.

I had warned Beth about the whole pressure-to-purchase predicament and although she has responded with "I'm sure I can find something that's not horrible" about 3 tastes into our visit she retracted with "I'm not buying any of this shit." She had a similar disgusted reaction to Constance's when tasting the wine and said, "God. It even smells horrible. But we just kept knocking them back anyway since we were already semi-buzzed from the last winery. (For some reason everytime I go to a Clover Hill it ends up playing out like that scene in Sideways.) We did end up buying some wine crackers though, and they were pretty good.

Overal Score: Clover Hill Winery; 1 out of 5 grapes. Or, "Slightly better than Bum Wine"

Mmm.... Burger.....

I was just searching for a photo of that horrible looking Burger King Man as reference for an illustration I'm working on, and my yahoo image search turned up some unexpectedly delightful results:

Yep. This seems about right.

Ooooh. Take that, um, leading competitor of vile, loathsome cuisine.

Oh yeah, this pretty much sums up my last Burger King experience. Except for the part where I asked the attendant for extra ketchup and she spit in my face.

Well now this explains a lot.

Nice outfit, Hootie. "Uh, my name's not Hootie." Shut up, Hootie!*


*Okay I totally stole that joke from one of those VH1 nostalgia shows. But it was too funny not to steal, dammit!

I weep for America.

You know what just ruins my whole day? When all I want is a delicious hot dog, but then I actually have to take a hot dog out of the package, reseal the package, cook it in the microwave, and put it on a bun. ALL BY MYSELF! Who do I look like, Martha fucking Stewart?! Come on! I'm a busy lady here. I don't just have the time to spend my whole life in the kitchen.

Well, GOD BLESS the fine people at Oscar Meyer for making my life easier. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME! Now if they could only figure out a way to surgically implant these Fast Franks with mustard and ketchup instead of making me have to go putting it on myself. (I mean, what is THAT about?) Then and only then, will my life would be complete.

Litelysalted's Favorite Things

You know how Oprah has that show, "Oprah's Favorite Things?" Well these are my favorite things. Only you don't get any of them, unless you go buy them yourself. Sorry, I'm not rich like "Oprah" so I can't "afford it." Oh, and by the way, before you go thinking I love Oprah... I've only ever seen her show like a couple of times in my life. Although I actually did see a "favorite things" episode, when my old roommate Megan The Mean Fake Hippie made me watch it. So there!

Morningstar Farms new Philly Cheesesteak Burgers. These things are a little slice of heaven. Grill em up, and bake em on a kaiser roll with some cheese and sweet peppers. My god!

J Crew's "Critter" collection. If anyone ever needed even more evidence that I am a Huge Nerd, here it is. I will literally buy anything that has cute little things embroidered on it. I have shirts, tanks, sweaters, skirts, handbags, lounge pants, flip flops, belts, hats, and even nighties with an assortment of little animals, bugs, fruits, and even modes of transportation. There must come a point in every woman's life, when they hit their late twenties and suddenly decide it's time to start dressing like a grownup and stop wearing clothes with stupid things on them. Luckily for me, that day hasn't come yet!

Amigo Bagels, from my local bagel joint. I don't know why they call them Amigo Bagels, because that translates to "Friend Bagels." Hee! Friend Bagels! But they are jam packed with jalapeno-ey salsa goodness and that's all that matters to me.

The Magic Bullet. Well, it would be one of my favorite things if Mister LitelySalted would let me get one. But apparently he thinks I should have learned my lesson from The Pasta Pot (with lid draining action) and The Quick Chop (that had blades as sharp as a pre-schooler's plastic scissors.)

Hardy's Stamp of Australia boxed wines. Now we all know I'm a classy broad, right? Stop that snickering, you! Regardless. I have no problem drinking wine out of a box, just so long it doesn't taste like swill. Well not only does Hardy's not taste like swill, but it is actually pretty good! (That should be their selling point: Hardy's: doesn't taste like swill!) So far I have tried the Shiraz and the Riesling and I believe that they are comparable to higher priced bottled versions. Hardy's costs approximately $15-$20 for a 3-liter box, which amounts to about 4 bottles.

TV Shows on DVD. There's something you should know about me. I'm the world's biggest TV junkie. If I have seen a show at least 3 times and enjoyed it, chances are I own it, have contemplated (or am planning on) purchasing, or have rented from Netflix. Actual examples include: Angel, Different Strokes, Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats, Quantum Leap, Night Court, Beavis and Butthead, The Monkees, The Wonder Years*, The Pink Panther collection, Amazing Stories (Holy crapcakes! That comes out today!), Supernatural, and Alf. Because of financial and space constraints, I am already behind a season or two (I gave up on the Simpsons about 5 seasons ago) on shows I love like NewsRadio and Kids in the Hall.

*The Wonder Years isn't actually available on DVD as of yet, due to music licensing issues with it's amazing soundtrack. But you know when it does become available I will be pre-ordering it from Amazon in a hot minute!

Olive Garden need not apply.

There's something you should know about me. I love food. Love! In fact, I am what some might refer to as a "foodie." It's in the dictionary, look it up. "A person with a particular interest in food; a gourmet." (Although, my alter-ego is health nut. Shhh..)

If you're like me, there few things more thrilling than discovering the perfect local restaurant, whether it be a hip new sushi bar or a historic roadside hot dog joint. I love it all. Well, FINALLY, there is a website for people like us! dineindie.com is a brand new service that allows you to browse the restaurants in your area and view their prospective menus. No chains allowed! If you've ever had That One Place you drive past all the time and always wonder about, this is your chance to find out more.

It's a growing community right now but it's gonna be huge, trust me! Check it out and tell your friends!

Who wants to be a diabetic?

If you're like me, you've had a hankering for smoothies lately, thanks to an onslaught of Dunkin' Donuts commercials featuring the music of always-delightful They Might Be Giants. Oh, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't actually touch one of these disgusting, sugar-laden monstrosities with a 10 foot pole. (Although it has inspired me to start making my own at home.)

When curiosity got the best of me, I finally looked up the Dunkin Donuts smoothie nutrition facts online. 360 calories and 70 grams of sugar each! Holy shit are you kidding me? For a quick reference, that's the same amount of sugar in Dairy Queen's new Caramel Chip Cheesecake blizzard!

Compare that to the homemade version at 250 calories and 33 grams of sugar,* which includes lowfat yogurt, banana, blueberries/strawberries, and a handful of ice. When I split that with The Mister it comes to a cool 125 cals each. Because, Christ... Who needs 16 ounces of smoothie?!


*Mostly coming from naturally occurring fruit sugars