Petite-O

Being small in stature, I have learned to deal with some of the minor handicaps life has thrown my way. I need the assistance of a step stool to reach any of the taller cabinets in my kitchen, being able to see over the wheel is a major consideration when purchasing a vehicle, and my two medium-sized dogs outweigh me to the extent that sometimes our walks conclude with smoke pluming from my heels.

Well, I recently happened upon another affliction of my size. Apparently, I can't wear a shirtdress. It's only like, the hottest look of the season, PEOPLE! As if it's not bad enough that I can't wear capri pants, or anything with a "cropped" fit. Do you see this dress? Isn't it pretty? WHY DOESN'T IT FIT ME LIKE THAT?! At 108 pounds, I'm rather curvy for my size; but worrying about looking "fat" is still the least of my concerns when buying clothes. Yet somehow this... this devil garment managed to add 50 pounds to my small frame.

Enthusiastically I had ripped the dress, an online purchase, from the package... But within a moment my expression went from thrilled to horrified. Mr. Salted cackled away in the background, loving every minute of it: "It looks HOOOORRIBLE!!!!" Truly, it was horrible, like something my creepy hippie high school art teacher would have worn... Or a frumpy prairie marm surrounded by children.

Luckily enough, I managed to unload the dress on ebay, making a cool $35 profit. Maybe worth my pain and suffering. Hopefully whomever receives the cursed thing next is 5'9 and rail thin.

Note: Do you guys totally love it how I can seamlessly transition from Buffy fangirl geekiness to pseudo-politics to clothes? Such is the way of the Salted One...

Suck it, Anthropologie Catalog!

As if it wasn't bad enough that Anthropologie constantly sends me catalogs full of wonderful things that I can't afford, now they're using ugly models to do it. That's right, you heard me: UGLY.

Instead of, "Here take a look at this lovely little frock: It costs more than your mortgage payment!" Now it's all, "Here take a look at this lovely little frock: It costs more than your mortgage payment and we're going to put it on a model that looks like Ron Perlman from the 1987 television series Beauty and the Beast just to spite you!" Think I'm exaggerating? My friends, I wish it were so...

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Old Navy Clothing: Pure Crap

Longtime readers of my old blog may remember that I take issue with zealous use of air conditioning. Because of this, most summer days, I find a reason to get out of my frigid office for lunch, and escape to the jacuzzi-like warmth of my car which has been baking in the sun.

Now that Mister Litelysalted and I have plunged head first into building our new home, I can sadly no longer afford my weekly deliveries from J Crew. Since it's been over a month since the UPS man has visited and I'm starting to get an antsy, today I head over to the local Old Navy to see what the poor people are wearing these days.

I used to like shopping at Old Navy, mostly when I was younger. Even in recent times they're always good for a 5 dollar sweater on clearance that I'll most likely wear once yet still feel validated about my purchase. But it seems like over the past few years, the clothes get more unappealing and junky each time I go. Today the merchandise was downright hideous. It's like they take the most unfashionable clothes from the 60's and the 80's and mishmash them together into one big horrendous orgy of fashion. Maybe I'm just old and out of touch. After all, at 29 I am practically a senior citizen by now. But still, it won't stop me from making fun of this slop.

Since I am a mite older than Old Navy's usual clientele, these kids buying this stuff probably don't remember the late eighties to early nineties. However I lived it and let me be the first to say that I will never wear a vest like this again as long as I live. Not if you hold me at knifepoint, and threaten to kill my whole family. Never again.

Hoo hoo hoo! Look at this lovely little frock! Why don't they just stamp Hypercolor on the damn thing and get it over with?

Look at this! If your eyeballs haven't melted yet and you're still able to read this, then let me just say that no respectable hippie would wear this skirt. And yes, I did just say respectable hippie. (Sorry, hippies.)

Sorry to show yet another vest. But you know, they're vests. Oh yeah, this girl called, and she wants her vest back.

Okay I could really go on, (really) but I have eating and sleeping to do eventually, so let's pick something ugly from the men's section and call it a day. Oh, here we go. I'll let the website description say it all: Embrace your inner rock star in a single-button velvet blazer with style to spare. Eyeliner and meth habit you'll need to convince yourself you look good in this outfit sold separately.

Litelysalted's Favorite Things

You know how Oprah has that show, "Oprah's Favorite Things?" Well these are my favorite things. Only you don't get any of them, unless you go buy them yourself. Sorry, I'm not rich like "Oprah" so I can't "afford it." Oh, and by the way, before you go thinking I love Oprah... I've only ever seen her show like a couple of times in my life. Although I actually did see a "favorite things" episode, when my old roommate Megan The Mean Fake Hippie made me watch it. So there!

Morningstar Farms new Philly Cheesesteak Burgers. These things are a little slice of heaven. Grill em up, and bake em on a kaiser roll with some cheese and sweet peppers. My god!

J Crew's "Critter" collection. If anyone ever needed even more evidence that I am a Huge Nerd, here it is. I will literally buy anything that has cute little things embroidered on it. I have shirts, tanks, sweaters, skirts, handbags, lounge pants, flip flops, belts, hats, and even nighties with an assortment of little animals, bugs, fruits, and even modes of transportation. There must come a point in every woman's life, when they hit their late twenties and suddenly decide it's time to start dressing like a grownup and stop wearing clothes with stupid things on them. Luckily for me, that day hasn't come yet!

Amigo Bagels, from my local bagel joint. I don't know why they call them Amigo Bagels, because that translates to "Friend Bagels." Hee! Friend Bagels! But they are jam packed with jalapeno-ey salsa goodness and that's all that matters to me.

The Magic Bullet. Well, it would be one of my favorite things if Mister LitelySalted would let me get one. But apparently he thinks I should have learned my lesson from The Pasta Pot (with lid draining action) and The Quick Chop (that had blades as sharp as a pre-schooler's plastic scissors.)

Hardy's Stamp of Australia boxed wines. Now we all know I'm a classy broad, right? Stop that snickering, you! Regardless. I have no problem drinking wine out of a box, just so long it doesn't taste like swill. Well not only does Hardy's not taste like swill, but it is actually pretty good! (That should be their selling point: Hardy's: doesn't taste like swill!) So far I have tried the Shiraz and the Riesling and I believe that they are comparable to higher priced bottled versions. Hardy's costs approximately $15-$20 for a 3-liter box, which amounts to about 4 bottles.

TV Shows on DVD. There's something you should know about me. I'm the world's biggest TV junkie. If I have seen a show at least 3 times and enjoyed it, chances are I own it, have contemplated (or am planning on) purchasing, or have rented from Netflix. Actual examples include: Angel, Different Strokes, Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats, Quantum Leap, Night Court, Beavis and Butthead, The Monkees, The Wonder Years*, The Pink Panther collection, Amazing Stories (Holy crapcakes! That comes out today!), Supernatural, and Alf. Because of financial and space constraints, I am already behind a season or two (I gave up on the Simpsons about 5 seasons ago) on shows I love like NewsRadio and Kids in the Hall.

*The Wonder Years isn't actually available on DVD as of yet, due to music licensing issues with it's amazing soundtrack. But you know when it does become available I will be pre-ordering it from Amazon in a hot minute!

Thoughts I had while browsing the "J. Jill" catalog.

I get so many shitty catalogs delivered to my house because of all the online shopping I do. (Okay, that's why I really love the internet..) I don't even know how I get on these mailing lists, and I sure as hell don't know how to get off them. So I usually end up looking at the catalogs, if nothing else, to make fun of them and feel superior about my own fabulous flair for style.


Here we go:

Oh, nice! J Crew's prices with none of the style.

What goes into the thought process that leads to someone wearing a skirt-cardigan-shell combo that are all the SAME (ugly) color?

These clothes and all so baggy and ill-fitting, you might as well just wear a burka.

Why are all the models stranded in that field?

That sweater is the most retarded looking thing I've ever seen in my life.

Ugly, next. Ugly, next. Ugly, next.

Are those pants supposed to make you look fat?

That misuse of cashmere should be a criminal offense.

Okay, this ONE skirt isn't so bad. Maybe.

Ruffles on a denim jacket?!

Coming soon: Thoughts I had while browsing... The Sundance Catalog Edition