An Open Letter To Jared Padalecki

Dear Jared,

No, you know what? Fuck you, man.

I write about your show all the time. I write about how much I love it, (even when I don't) and even when people make fun of me for it. I even wrote about how you love the animals.

And this is how you repay me? By starring as Thomas fucking Kinkade in a movie named after one of his godawful paintings called The Christmas Cottage?! To think I may have, on occasion, say... fantasized about making out with you. Thinking about it now just makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Thomas Kinkade? Seriously?! I always knew you were kind of a dork, thanks to the Day in the Life of Jared and Jensen featurette from the Supernatural Season 1 DVDs. But this is just beyond belief. As an artist before a writer, the fact that this man is celebrated for his shitty mediocre "doctor's office" art offends me to the core of my being. Why don't you just take a gun and shoot me, Jared? It would be less painful and over more quickly.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all of this right now. But I think it might be awhile before I can see you again, and I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Your fan (?)
Ms. Salted
PS: I leave you with this photoshop rendition which more accurately expresses my thoughts about all of this.

Savior or just another sensationalist?

As many of you know, (or have figured out by now) I'm pretty liberal. In fact, I'm about as liberal as they come: Pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-gun control, pro-universal health care, pro-environmental responsibility, anti-war, anti-Bush (and anti-pretty much everything his administration stands for), anti-American job outsourcing; Daily Show/Colbert Enthusiast... You name it. Oh, but Michael Moore? Ehhh... I'll pass.

I just don't trust Michael Moore. I've seen Roger & Me and Bowling for Columbine and I wholeheartedly believe in his causes... But I think in part he's doing the liberals a disservice by manipulating facts, feeding half truths, and using the same confrontational exploitation tactics that are employed by the assholes on the right.

I think Mr. Salted said it best, as we were watching Bowling for Columbine, (and I'm paraphrasing here, because it's been a few years) when Moore wheeled the poor shooting victim into the K-Mart headquarters and snotted something along the lines of, I told this boy he could talk with the President of Kmart, "Well, you shouldn't have told him that, asshole!" I mean, not to defend anyone in Moore's cross hairs, because I'm sure to some extent they're all guilty in one way or another... But showing up unannounced with a camera crew and a documentary filmmaker known for manipulating facts? No shit most people aren't going to be happy to submit to an impromptu interview. That's hardly an admission of guilt, and I don't appreciate it being shoved down my throat otherwise.

So when I heard of an upcoming documentary, aptly titled Manufacturing Dissent, which turns the cameras on the man himself... Well, I was intrigued, to say the least. I already know what you're thinking, it's a load of right-wing propaganda, naturally. Wrong! Husband and wife filmmaking team Debbie Melnyk and Rick Caine set out to make a documentary celebrating Moore, but what they found was that Moore himself is not exactly fond of being on the business end of impromptu interviews, (or even scheduled ones, for that matter.) After 4 months of unsuccessfully trying to track Moore down, they began to delve deeper into his history and methods; ultimately questioning his tactics.

Source.

I don't think Michael Moore is a huge phoney, and I honestly wouldn't want to see him unmasked as such. I do think he's done a lot of good by exposing the more unsavory facts and practices of the Bush Administration to a wider audience, via Fahrenheit 9/11. But I do think it would be nice to see him practice a little more responsibility in his films. Let's face it Michael, the Bush Administration has done a cherry job of fucking things up on their own. You don't need to sensationalize it. Put the facts on a plate and let the viewer decide who to believe. I think you'll find, (should you give them a choice) they just may surprise you.

Share the road?

Here in the mid-Atlantic, the last snowstorm scarcely a week behind us, we were today treated to the very first unofficial day of Spring. Personally, I could not be more thrilled at this harbinger of the beginning of the end of my current bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder. However, when I took to the streets on my lunch break, I was confronted with one of Springtime's less agreeable harbingers: The Bike People.

I'm probably going to offend some people with this post, so let me say right off that I own a bicycle. Yes, I own it, I love it, and I enjoy riding it. It's pink and Mr. Salted built it for me out of his own two hands. I do not wear a helmet, although I know I should... But I keep to mostly trails, and sometimes the scenic country roads of the immediate area in which I reside. Oh, and if a car is coming? I get the fuck out of the way. Because I grew up riding bikes and that's how it works.

That's how it should work anyway. I don't know when the rules changed. When I was in high school there was a band teacher who wore spandex and rode his bike to school, and you know what? We all laughed at him. He was a freak! I wasn't in band; and I never had him. I didn't need to. He was the teacher who was infamous for pit stains and shaving his legs. When did this behavior become commonplace?

This afternoon for instance, driving along a two-lane in each direction, concrete divided, busy road; this jerk in a neon green windbreaker and black spandex is hugging the line on the side of the road, despite a good 2-3 feet to the immediate right of that line, just because he can. As a result, I had to creep alongside of him until there was a break to my left so I could get around him without knocking him off his pansy little bike with my side mirror.

What ever happened to "Share The Road"?! YOU people came up with that slogan! Why don't you try abiding by it for once? Do you even know the definition of the word "share?" Don't make me parade out the dictionary.com definition... (Because I will.) "v. - To participate in, use, enjoy, or experience jointly or in turns" If your helmet happens to be on a bit too tight, that means IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

And before you get all "Environmental Responsibility" on my ass, (I do applaud those who want to make a difference, I really, really do) most of the bicycle-related assery I encounter comes from recreational bicyclists. Remember those country roads I mentioned earlier? Well, every weekend from April until September, groups of dozens of bicyclists convene in the parking lot of the grocery store a few miles from my house and take to the road like they ain't the motherfucking Hell's Angels. The only difference being, that when you're stuck behind the Hell's Angels taking up an entire tractor-trailer sized stretch of road, they don't drive it at SEVEN MILES PER HOUR.

Can you imagine how much I feel like dealing with the following scenario: returning from a trip to the grocery store on a balmy July morning, ice cream melting in the back seat and crawling along behind of sea of jauntily colored helmets; just waiting for a clear enough stretch of road so I can gun past them hollering "NICCCEE PANNNTS ASSSSSSHOLE!" out of my passenger-side window? That's not uncommon whatsoever. That's called "Sunday Morning." Maybe this year I'll start keeping a semi-automatic water pistol handy under my seat.

If I can keep at least one Spandex Cowboy off the street, then I have made a difference.

Terry Ruggles: Professional Dipshit (Part deux)

Some of you may or may not know that I harbor kind of a morbid fascination/obsession with local Philadelphia newscaster Terry Ruggles. So I could not be more thrilled when recently I learned that this blogsite comes up fourth in google search results for The Ruggles.*

*(The third result, an Urban Dictionary entry, also should not be overlooked.)

To celebrate, here are some gratuitous photos from NBC 10 of The Ruggles dressed as a Pilgrim. Or the Church Lady... Or Judge Judy... or something, looking every bit as creepy and gay as a name like Terry Ruggles would suggest.

OHHHHHHHHH, SNAP! (Part 2)

So long, K-Fed! Don't let the door slam in your stupid, untalented, vaginal-bearded face on the way out!

Last night I arrived home from work, jittering with glee over the just-heard news of the Mr. and Mrs. Spears divorce. Mr. Litelysalted, whose knowledge of Kevin Federline is encompassed by whatever he overhears while I'm watching The Soup, was understandably less enthused. He was also confused about why it was so funny, and asked, "Well isn't he famous now anyway? Doesn't he have his own music career?"

I considered this for a moment. Yes he does have his own "music career" depending how liberally you want to use the words "music" and "career." But he is basically just a joke, kind of like William Hung only unlikeable. Also, William Hung knows he's a joke, and I think he still sells more records than K-Fed.

As a tribute, I leave you with this Vag Beard performance. Enjoy it while you can, because I promise you appearances like this are about to become extinct!

OHHHHHHHHH, SNAP!

'Nuff said.

Happy Big Stinking Fraud Day!

Christopher Columbus is seriously ruining my day. For one thing, Mr. Litelysalted and I are waiting for some important info from the bank so we can resume the construction of our new home, but we will have to wait a whole 'nother day because it's stupid Columbus Day and the banks are closed. In addition, after a movie-watching dry spell, I finally just put two Netflix envelopes out in the box this morning, but oh wait– they won't be picked up. Because it's stupid motherfucking Columbus Day.

Why does Christopher Columbus need his own Litelysalted-Plan-Ruining day? Because he "discovered" America? It seems like historians and politicians have a much more liberal definition of "discover" than I do. The way I see it, if you discover a continent which is currently inhabited by hundreds of thousands of Indians and Mexicans... You didn't so much "discover" it as you "found" it. Punk ass false-credit-taking Christopher Columbus. Oh, and after he found America, then what happened? We all came over here in droves and eventually killed off the native people. It's kind of embarrassing on our part, to say the least... So I wouldn't brag about it, much less give the schmuck who started it his very own national holiday.

Speaking of Indians... One of the forementioned Netflix movies I watched this weekend was One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest. It was actually my first time seeing it; and holy crap! I can't believe they gave him a lobotomy!!!

That was a freebie.

I was literally just saying to a friend last week that I wanted to write something on the blog about Grizzly Man, but I wasn't sure where to start. However in light of recent Guys Who Get What's Coming To Them news, it seems suddenly appropriate. If you think Steve Irwin "wasn't playing with a full deck" than let me tell you; in comparison, Timothy Treadwell was maybe working with a hand or two of "Go Fish."

Before seeing this movie, I assumed I was going to be dealing with some pumped up Jack Hannah type who, ultimately (SPOILER!!!) gets eaten by a bear. I mean, that in itself is a fabulous sounding premise, am I wrong? Instead, and I cannot stress enough, this is a film about a completely insane person who gets eaten by a bear. Timothy Treadwell had no ecological or biological training of any kind. This is a story of an out of work, alcoholic, drug addicted actor who decides to clean his act up, move to Alaska and go screw around with some bears. Why not? Seems like the next most logical step.

Lucky for us Timothy Treadwell was among other things, a raging narcissist, so he videotaped all of his Alaskan adventures complete with crazed ramblings. Highlights include: Timothy baby talking to the bears and giving the bears cutesy names. And yes let me remind you, bears are enormous killing machines. Timothy also goes off occasionally on deluded and expletive filled rants about the park service, (whom he thought were out to get him) for expecting him to abide by the rules that are put in place so you don't get eaten by a bear.

At the time of Treadwell's appropriate and timely death, he had been filming. (But hadn't yet managed to take the lens cap off.) So there is actually audio footage of him and his girlfriend, Amie Huguenard, being eaten alive by the bear. German Director, Werner Herzog takes one for the team and listens to the audio. He then tells Treadwell's ex-girlfriend and close friend, "Oh Jewell. Zoo must deestroy thizz tape. Zoo muzt neeever listen to thizz." But I gotta say, the bloodlust in me was pretty disappointed. The whole time here I'm thinking "YES!!! There's audio!! Will we get to hear it?!" Sadly, no.

Probably my favorite part of the movie though, was when Treadwell strokes and babbles over a pile of the bear shit he would ultimately become. The following is an actual quote from that scene: "Oh my gosh! The bear, Miss Chocolate, has left me her poop! It's her crap! It was just in her butt and it's still warm! This is a gift from Miss Chocolate!

Conclusion: Tempted yet? See the movie! I rate it 4 out of 4 bear droppings.

Boston Massacre MY ASS!

I'd probably choke up too, if I had to look at Johnny Damon's fruity new "Pepe le Pew" mustache for five games in a row. Sheesh.

I dub this National Sex Offenders Month!

Have you recently confessed to any decade old murders or searched for anything horrifyingly sexually deviant on AOL? They say every dog has his day! Well continuing in the fine tradition of August 2006, Bam Margera's creepy Uncle Vito, made famous from various jackassery type shows, was arrested this week for allegedly sexually assaulting a child. What a shocker! I would have pegged this guy for Citizen of the Year. See what I mean about convicting based on creepiness factor? If you look that creepy, you should just be thrown in prison and be done with it, because you've either done something or plan to do something abhorrent. My system is infallible. How 'bout it, legal system?

Oh, Sex Offenders, don't look so glum! Fortunately for you, not everyone shares my views on imprisoning potential molesters. In fact, some reliable news outlets even go so far as to proclaim you irresistible!

Exclusive! Mark Karr's secret My Little Pony collection!*

Listen to me, you crazy ass bible belt parents. If seeing photos of this guy isn't enough of a reason not to dress your 6 year old child up like a prostitute, then I don't know what it takes.

I'm fascinated by true crime stories, and have been known to watch hours upon hours of shows like Forensic Files, Cold Case, Files, American Justice, etc. But I just can't keep up with the deranged insanity that is going on in the media right now. From what I've read, it kinda sounds like he's just some schizophrenic freak obsessed with the case, and maybe didn't actually so much kill the girl. That's not to be misconstrued as a green light to keep dressing children up like prostitutes either, because clearly you shouldn't do that anyway.

Don't get me wrong, if we could convict just for looking like a creepy mothereffer, (and why the hell shouldn't we?!) than this guy would go to the chair, only to be resuscitated and fried again. I mean, really. Look at this guy! He is some serious nightmare material. Stephen King wishes he could write a character like this. Maybe he didn't kill JonBenet, but looking like this he probably did something, right? But if it's all the same, I think I'd prefer to just wait until it's all over and have Bill Kurtis wrap it up for me neatly in a one hour package.

*I totally made this up. But give it, oh, 4ish hours and I guarantee you it will be front page news on MSNBC.

Suck it Geraldo!

I've got follow-up on that clip I posted last week of Geraldo bashing The Daily Show and Colbert Report. I would also like to add that although, (according to Geraldo), Jon and Steven are "in a small little place where they count for nothing.." when was the last time Geraldo was invited to speak at a presidential correspondence dinner or host the Oscars? Exactly.

Anyway, I won't post all these videos to the blog, but if you're interested, here are links to the subsequent backlash to Geraldo's tirade:

Colbert on Daily Show

Stewart on Colbert Report

I don't know how long these clips will be up before they get yanked down due to copyright infringement, so just let me know if they stop working! There was another clip of Thursday night's Daily Show's moment of zen, where they played a clip from Geraldo's old talk show where he got hit in the face with a chair by a skinhead, but that one's already been removed. Boo!

What I learned from watching NEXT on Mtv.

Okay first of all let me clear up why I watch NEXT. The treadmills at my gym all have little flatscreen TVs affixed to them. You can bring in headphones to listen to the TVs, but if you're like me and you run on average 6-8mph, it's both distracting and dangerous to have wires dangling around your face. So out of all the channels, Mtv is the one network that airs programming where the assumed mental capacity of the viewer is so substandard, you don't actually need sound to understand and enjoy it. Actually, I probably enjoy it more without the sound.

Having cleared that up. NEXT is quite possibly the most fascinating Mtv show I've ever seen. The girls are all whorey disease farms, and the guys are all clearly homosexual. As each potential "dater" is getting off the NEXT bus they do a freeze frame, and graphics on the screen helpfully give you the name and a few "fun facts" about each candidate. I shit you not, some of the "fun facts" I saw on the program tonight, (for the guys) included: Idolizes Keanu Reeves; Wears pink on a daily basis; Scopes Overeaters Anonymous to meet chicks; and Likes the smell of his own armpits. Well, of course. Because what totally not gay guy doesn't like the occasional whiff of man musk?* Oh, and let it be known that the OA guy actually kissed his bicep and flexed his muscle for the viewing pleasure of the other four totally not gay dudes on the bus.

The girls are slightly less entertaining, unless one of them falls off the bus. Of course there is always the Prerequisite Chubby Girl, who typically goes up first so the totally not gay guy in question can immediately "NEXT" her, much to the delight of the other catty whores waiting back on the bus.

So what did I learn by watching NEXT? Well, nothing, actually. Except our country is doomed, as the idiots will inherit the earth. But we already knew that.

*That's not a fair question. Litelysalted has quite a few gay friends, and without consulting with any of them I would have to assume that gay men probably don't actually like armpit smell. But you have to admit it doesn't present a rock solid case for straight, either.

Geraldo: Sleeps with the fishes.

Geraldo has done some pretty dumb things in his career. You've got to assume a man who has built his journalism career around a huge 70's porn moustache probably isn't "all there." There was that time when he got himself kicked out of Iraq for drawing a map in the sand of top secret military coordinates which was broadcast live on national television. Oh, and who can forget the time he made a huge spectacle of cracking Al Capone's vault, which of course, turned out to be empty and forever cemented Geraldo's status as Journalistic Laughingstock.

Here is an unexpected little bonus! Research for the two links I have provided turned up the little gem that is Geraldo's unfortunately titled autobiography.

But now Geraldo has really gone too far. He has waged a media war with people he is completely unqualified to be fighting with. I guess that's not saying much, since Geraldo would be unqualified in a battle of wits against most children, mental patients, and primates that know sign language. Good thing for him he is way too delusional to know it. Let the public berating/humiliation commence!

Terry Ruggles: Professional Dipshit

Every morning I watch NBC10 news in awe and wonder, because of this man: the phenomenon known as The Ruggles. A few years back NBC10 had a pretty good morning newscaster named Steve Levy. However, as will happen with any good newscaster, Levy got stalked, and then retired. I guess NBC wanted to make sure that didn't happen again (if only Steve Levy wasn't so damn sexy!) so they hired a guy who would creep out even the most insane of stalker types.

Ruggles is kind of like the old guy you work with who seems harmless at first, and will annoy you by making stupid out of touch jokes and stuttering. But every now and then he'll say something pretty disturbing and make everyone uncomfortable. Dawn Timmeney won't even sit next to him anymore, I shit you not!