Mission: Mand Band? Can't Hardly Wait!

Can... Barely... Type! Too... Excited!

Despite constant promos during my beloved Rock of Love and it's snerk-inducing name -- I have largely been ignoring the new VH1 program, "Mission: Man Band." This is due to the fact that I thought it was just another one of those 'White Rapper' type shows, which I was completely indifferent to and not entertained by, the one or two times I caught it.

How wrong I was. How gloriously, wonderfully wrong I was.

It has come to my attention that "Mission: Mand Band" is actually a collective of former boy-banders, brought together to attempt to recreate their former glory in a new ensemble called "Sureshot." (Oh, the irony kills!) Oh god, if only they could have gotten that douche from NKOTB that starred on a season of "The Surreal Life" -- but we'll have to settle for the N'SYNC'er that looks like a dreadlocked muppet, two guys from LFO and 98 Degrees, and last but most certainly not least -- the motherfucking guy from Color Me Badd!! COLOR ME BADD, people! As if that in itself wasn't brilliant enough, the guy from Color Me Badd looks like he ATE the guy from Color Me Badd! And he's a drunk!

Just incredible. In an instant, I have gone from not giving the slightest shit about this show to having my entire existence bane on it. This clip will tell you everything you need to know.

Note: I tried to embed this but unfortunately ifilm is rather unforgiving towards blogger, so you will have to click here to view it!

Note #2: Do you guys totally love how they're pulling a Wilson-Phillips in this promo shot by making the fat guy stand in the back? Pure. Gold.

Better Get to Know Your "Rock of Love" Skanks

Well, you all knew this was coming. As is my tradition of covering VH1 competitive reality shows, "Rock of Love" starring Poison frontman Bret Michaels premiered on VH1 last night. And it... is... awesome. Never have I been so excited about a VH1 reality show since I Love New York. Okay, well I know that's not saying a lot, so just trust me -- it's great.

Basically, the premise is as such: Bret Michaels wants a deep and meaningful relationship with a girl who will share the spotlight with his first love -- wait for it -- rock and roll. But he'll settle for a bimbo he can nail while this show, God willing, resuscitates some semblance of life into his otherwise flailing career. It worked for Flavor Flav, right? As the credits roll we see footage of Michaels riding on a motorcycle, presumably on route to meet the girls, whom he describes as "25 of the most beautiful women in the world." Or you know, 25 of the most acceptable skanks VH1 could wrangle from America's vast array of nudie bars -- same difference. And with that, I bring you the following round-up of the skanktestants.

Brandi C. -- The Frontrunner
Brandi C. is totally the "New York" of Rock of Love. She's vapid, blonde and crazier'n a shithouse rat. She immediately begins referring to Bret as "her man" much to Bret's displeasure. But I have a feeling he'll come around -- the producers will see to that. Brandi C. will probably make it into the "Top 2" only to be rejected like New York and Chance before her.

VH1 Fun Facts: Likes to be naked and wants to be in Playboy; Received "Boobs" as birthday gift from her parents. Okay, so maybe these should be called "VH1 Ridiculously Fucking Unsurprising Facts."

Kristia -- The Follower
Kristia and Brandi C. immediately bond over the fact that they're blonde and retarded -- and Kristia seems just dumb and bland enough to go along with it; content following her counterpart around like a puppydog. They're BFF now, so if Larissa and Shay have taught us anything -- you know they'll soon be at each other's throats. I can't wait.

VH1 Fun Facts: Currently a Go Go Dancer (not exotic). Because she's classy like that.

Cindy aka "Rodeo" -- The Soulmate
Rodeo is immediately dismissed by the other girls for being too manly and wearing a cowboy hat. Fortunately for her, the very reasons she is spurned by the other girls are considered major selling points to Bret, who purportedly knows from experience that a woman wearing a cowboy hat is a turn-on in the sack. Different strokes for different folks, okay people? During a meaningful drunken conversation Bret and Rodeo find out they have stuff in common like illegitimate children and medical conditions. I know it's early in the game, but I'm picking her as a serious contender, possibly even the winner.

VH1 Fun Facts: Sometimes wears cowboy hat in bed. Shocking.

Lacey -- The Wannabe
Lacey -- who I'm dubbing the "Krazy" of Rock of Love -- is the aspiring rock star who is approximately one episode away of being accused of being "not there for Bret." Lacey seems alright in the sense that if I met her at a bar while I was wasted, I would probably be down with her. But ultimately she seems like she's trying too hard and that's gonna get pathetically old real soon.

VH1 Fun Facts: Last boyfriend was a guitar player; Animal lover and animal rights activist. Aw, see? She's an animal person. Animal people are good people.

Brandi M. -- The Badass
See, now this is the beauty of "Rock of Love": Two Brandis. I love it. This Brandi is a stark contrast of the other Brandi. Well, okay she's admittedly a stripper, so maybe not that different. But she puts on a tough girl facade and is covered in tattoos. I will be sorely disappointed if Brandi M. is not ejected from the game for fighting.

VH1 Fun Facts: Mom is her best friend; She can fit her fist in her mouth. See? She's just a sweet Momma's girl at heart... Who can fit her entire fist in her mouth.

Tiffany -- The Wild Card
Tiffany looks like the misbegotten love child of Ginger Spice and a troll doll. Her face literally looks like it's made out of silly putty. I would say that Tiffany is like the "Mr. Boston" of "Rock of Love" but I think to say so much would be doing the esteemed Mr. Boston a disservice. Tiffany gets cut right off the bat, along with the four other fugliest girls for being, well, too fugly. And if you saw the entire cast of skanktestants, that's really saying something. Ever the good little deranged lunatic, Tiffany fights her way back into the house only to get completely and obnoxiously trashed off her ass and chided by the other 20 girls. And for whatever reason (oh, I'm sorry, "ratings") she again gets a free pass after not being picked at the first elimination. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what crazy hijinks Tiffany gets herself into next time! Wheeeee!

VH1 Fun Facts: Special Talent: Can bounce her boobs; Caught ex-husband cheating on her with her best friend so she broke the girl's nose. Ding ding ding! There we have it, folks! She's a scrapper!

Salty out -- see you next time, following the premiere of I Love New York 2!

Flavor of Love IV: Debutards

Confession time: When Flavor of Love premiered I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I was all Flav'ed out from both the Surreal Life and the abysmal Strange Love. But after watching footage of the "Spit Heard Round The World" I couldn't help myself but tune into the second installment, which luckily brought back Miss New York so I was all caught up by the time the glorious I Love New York aired.

It was then that I realized something. The Flavor of Love equation actually works better without it's proprietary character, because, you know what? Flavor Flav is annoying as shit. And when you take away the annoying as shit factor, you're left with nothing but marvelously entertaining skeezebags, manskanks, and attention whores.

The formula appears to be working; I Love New York was a smash hit and the trend continues with Charm School, debuting with 5.1 million viewers– a network record. The show is hosted by comedienne (?) Mo'Nique, who I'm not entirely familiar with, although she seems to fill the slot well enough. So I guess technically the premise of the show is to find out which girl can become most ladylike, to be bestowed a large cash sum. But we all know what the real premise is, and that is to watch crazy bitches fight! Hellz YEAH!

Here are my picks so far:

Pumkin: To quote fellow blogger Natalia, Bitches be hatin on Pumpkin already! Pumkin is the aforementioned "spitter" from Flavor of Love 1. (The "spittee" being Miss New York herself.) I don't have too much else to say about Pumkin at this point, other than that she turned up at the I Love New York reunion on the arm of none other than Mr. Boston himself, and for those you who would like to replace your Screech Sex tape nightmares with another visual, boasted of the "great sex" they were having. Indeed.

Saaphyri: Saaphyri's time on The Flavor of Love 2 was so brief (albeit memorable) that she didn't even earn a nickname, although you may fondly remember her as the Lip Chap Girl. In the aftermath of the fight which gets her booted, Saaphyri offers the other girl some "lip chap" and then prays, "Please God don't let me beat down this white bitch's ass again." (It's fantastic, and you can watch it here.)

Hottie: Although I missed Hottie on Flavor of Love 1, she seems be doing a stellar job of filling the delusional batshit crazy void we're left with without New York. By the second episode she's let her inner psychopath out full force, hiding some of the other girls dresses in a kitchen cabinet. Why, you ask? Allow me to reiterate: delusional batshit crazy.

Krazee: Sadly, at the time of this writing Krazee has already been booted from the show, which is a shame because she was probably the most pathetic Flavorette, therefore the most enjoyable to laugh at. In The Flavor of Love 2, Krazee (self nicknamed Nevaeh, which is "Heaven" spelled backwards) demonstrates delusions of grandeur in that she aspires to be a recording artist. Unfortunately for her and her beat-ass demo tape, her pitiful "singing talents" would get her booed offstage a talent show for short bus kids.

Aaaaaaand, there you have it, folks! See you at the next spin-off!

Dustin Diamond is really creepy.

How's that for the most redundant headline of the century? And I'm not even referring to the sex tape, which I haven't seen. Although that much should be clear just going by the fact that I'm sitting here typing and not rocking back and forth with my knees drawn to my chest in a padded room.

Defying my better judgment, I tuned into Celebrity Fit Club last night. I swear I'm going to wind up as the blogger known for a relentless coverage of VH1's Celebreality lineup; but unfortunately since there seems to be both a demand and shortage of such, it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to bite the bullet.

Fit Club is not a show I typically watch, because seriously whooooo caaaaares. But this time around my curiosity had been whetted by reports of on-set altercations between cast member Diamond (who makes Danny Bonaduce look well adjusted) and, pretty much everyone; particularly contestant Kimberly Locke. TMZ reported back in January that Diamond had threatened to "make a dildo of my c**k and f**k" former American Idol star Locke with "it."

Based on that quote alone one might assume that we're not dealing with a champion of mental health, but I was still quite shocked by how disturbing Diamond's behavior was right off the bat. If you aren't already aware, he fancies himself a stand-up comedian, although evidenced by impromptu bits on the show last night his "comedy" seems to range anywhere from "pathetic" to "uncomfortable."

Immediately he begins harassing Locke, probably for no other reason than she seems to be the easiest target, laughing and taunting her during the initial consultation with the panel of experts. When it comes his turn to stand before the panel he continues to make ineffectual jokes which leads me to believe that he may have purposely gained weight solely for the purpose of appearing on the show in the first place. Which wouldn't be totally uncharacteristic coming from the guy who allegedly leaked his own porno.

Former child stars whoring themselves out at any given opportunity is fairly commonplace in our society, as evidenced by Barry "Greg Brady" Williams presence in American pop culture for the past 3 decades. Hell, I might do the same the same if I were in that position. There's bills to pay and it's easier than actually working for a living. But the difference with Dustin Diamond is that there's something genuinely deeply unsettling about the guy, and as much as I loves me a trainwreck I have to confess that maybe the public arena is not the best place for this particular has-been.

I CALLED IT!

When I originally wrote about VH1's I Love New York following the series premiere, I had the following prediction:

Already fan-favorite and serious contendor, Chance is the token cro-magnum thug whom, much like a Bum to Night Train, New York is immediately and overwhelmingly drawn to. Chance will no doubt make the final two and likely go on to star in his very own brand-of-crazy Reality Show, Give Chance a Piece.

Well, I Love New York wrapped up on Monday night, and wouldn't you know! Not only did our favorite little thug make it into the final two... But he was eliminated; leaving himself free for any future VH1 projects!

The winner of I Love New York ended up being the crybaby tattletaleing ("Ninja Turtle Motherf**ker") Tango, who I did not write about in my previous entry because of how horrifically boring he was. He concluded the show with one final act of lameness by proposing to old Snuffleupagus Eyelashes on the spot. Yaaaawn. All and all, a fairly disappointing ending as I had been kind of rooting for Chance.

Oh, but who am I kidding? As if for one moment I gave the tiniest crap about New York finding her Skank Charming! I tuned in for hilarious manskank antics (say that three times fast!) and this show delivered exceptionally. What I'm really looking forward to is next week's reunion when they're all gonna FIGHT!! Yes! Hot manskank on manskank action! Wheeee!!!!!

If you missed I Love New York, do your self a favor and turn on VH1 this weekend, where you'll be likely to catch a marathon of it. I even got Mr. Salted hooked, which is a huge testament to the entertainment value of the series. And don't miss the upcoming Charm School, in which VH1 continues to milk every last drop out of the Flavor of Love franchise. I can't wait!!

Litelysalted loves herself some New York!

In a landmark proceeding in regards to reality TV programming, beloved crackwhore/lunatic New York (aka Tiffany Patterson) has gotten her very own reality show: I Love New York . What makes I Love New York so unprecedented is that this show is a spin-off of a sequel of a spin-off of a spin-off (counts fingers) of what was essentially a fourth rate cable reality show to begin with.

Confused? Well Surreal Life (4?) gave us breakout "star" Flavor Flav, who went on to do Strange Love with Surreal Life co-star Brigitte Nielsen. Strange Love then begat the "Bachelor-esque" Flavor of Love where viewers first got a taste of New York... One season of Flavor of Love apparently wasn't enough so VH1 trotted both Flav AND New York back out for season two. New York made it into the "final two" both seasons, but ultimately lost in the end. A wise man named George Bluth once said: "Never promise crazy a baby!" and I think that sums it up it nicely.

Which brings us to today, where the now twice-jilted New York gets her own Bachelorette-type reality dating show, complete with 20 different kinds of crazy to choose from. Also starring in I Love New York is New York's clearly insane mother, Meeees "Sister" Michelle, who actually was involved in a minor physical altercation with Flavor Flav on S2 of Flavor of Love.

I Love New York premiered last night, and I have to say this show is AWESOME, and will definitely blow the sometimes-nauseating Flavor of Love out of the stupid "FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!" water. This show fills the "Maury" void I've had in my life ever since I started working 9-5. I must say, the producers have done a splendid job in finding 20 men who are about as insane as New York. The cast is fairly diverse, race-wise, however New York accuses half of the non-African American contestants of being racist and her mother accuses the other half of being gay. She's not entirely wrong on that one, either... And has coined the phrase Undercover Gay, which will forever be cemented in my vocabulary.

Standout contestants include:

Mr. Boston
Mr. Boston, who originaly requested that his nickname be "Stud," looks very much like a Ken doll minus the charisma. I suspect he may be somewhat mentally retarded, and doesn't exactly do what I consider "justice" to the fine city of Boston. In the premier he tells Meeees Michelle that he wants to have inter-racial babies with New York who look like "Derek Jeter."

T-Bone
When T-Bone actually admitted that he hasn't had sex in 3 years, I think he was giving himself the benefit of the doubt. New York correctly points out that his self-professed "Bedroom Eyes" are pointing in two different directions.

Romance
To sum up Romance: GAY, GAY, GAY!!! Not even the "undercover" gay Meees Michelle was referring to, because Romance's gayness is about as subtle as the entire cast of Queer Eye, Liberace, Elton John, and every gay porn star that has ever existed put together. In the introduction/nickname ceremony, Romance breaks down in tears that he recently "lost" his precious Maltese, "Princess," and that if New York gives him a chance he'll treat her every bit as good as he treated Princess. Whew.

Chance
Already fan-favorite and serious contendor, Chance is the token cro-magnum thug whom, much like a Bum to Night Train, New York is immediately and overwhelmingly drawn to. Chance will no doubt make the final two and likely go on to star in his very own brand-of-crazy Reality Show, Give Chance a Piece*.

* TM-TWoP Forums