Eff You, Amazon Dot Com

I did not -- repeat not -- buy "Two and Half Men" on DVD, and I really do not appreciate the lying claim otherwise. Additionally, I do not care for the insinuation that I would enjoy "The Big Bang Theory."

(Click to enlarge.)

Jerks.

Memo:

Readers to litelysalted: No one cares about Sanjaya!

Sorry guys, I promise to write about something better next time. The premiere of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School, mayhap?

Here's lookin' at you, kid...

Bad news today, readers. To follow up on my last post: As it turns out, the kind of people who would be willing to vote for an American Idol sight-unseen, solely for the purpose of bringing down American Idol? Are actually the kind of people who are too lazy to vote for American Idol. Who'da thunk?

This is exactly the kind of voter apathy that a conservative acquaintance of mine once told me supposedly won George W. Bush not one but two Presidential Elections. (Or, "won" depending how you want to look at it.) Naturally, I told him to go fuck himself and the real reason is that rednecks are akin to cockroaches, but now I'm starting to think he was on to something.

Let's have it out. WHO DIDN'T VOTE? What... Who, me? I don't have to vote for Sanjaya. I'm an influencial blogger. I'm the one who tells you to vote for Sanjaya. Sheesh. If you don't get that much what are you even doing here?*

*Wait! I was kidding! Don't go! You know I thrive on your attention. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!

Litelysalted hearts Sanjaya!

I'm about to do something I never thought I'd do in my lifetime: Get behind an American Idol contestant.

Let me get something straight, I hate American Idol with the white hot firey passion of a thousand suns. (Sorry, C!) I watched the show exactly one time for about 15 minutes during the first season when I stayed home sick one night while working second shift. Because prime time TV was a novelty to me at that point, I guess I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Which basically I still didn't get after those 15 minutes. If I wanted to see a bunch of stupid assholes crappily singing songs I don't like, I'd go to a college karaoke bar.

So, fine. I gave it a shot, it wasn't for me, the end. Except...

With each passing season of stupid American Idol, it culminates into a media frenzy shoved into every orifice of my being for the duration of the several months it airs. I can't take a dump without hearing some kind of American Idol blathering. And it's more than just the insane media coverage. A typical conversation with my mother during "Idol Season" goes as follows:

Mom: "Have you been watching American Idol this season?"

Me: "No. I still don't watch it.

At which point my mother invariably interprets that answer as, "No!! I missed it!! Please tell me everything that's happened and don't forget to include your favorites and predictions!"

So yeah, I've grown to resent American Idol. Just a little. Apparently, I am not the only one. Bring in Sanjaya.

At first, when I heard of Sanjaya, I thought to myself, "Ha ha! He sucks!" But didn't really care too much, assuming that ultimately it would just fuel ratings for American Idol. Which of course would lead to more American Idol that I would be accosted with. Although I did think it was funny that assface Gwen Stefani got her panties in a bunch over him singing one of her shit-tastic songs.

But now I'm starting to understand the beauty of Sanjaya. The fans are pissed! They're going on hunger strikes, and camping out on rooftops like this numbnuts I saw on the local news this morning. By now you've probably heard of Howard Stern's campaign with the website Vote for the Worst... I'm starting to believe that there is some real potential for bringing down American Idol! If he won, it would totally destroy the credibility of the show!

You know... I would feel bad for trying to take away something that brings enjoyment to others; but you know, people... If you would have just watched your damn show and minded your business about it, we wouldn't be where we are today, now would we? So you know what this means... I may actually have to vote for an American Idol contestant. Go ahead hell, I'll bring my iceskates.

Whore Dances; America Generally Approves.

Gather round kiddies, cause I'm about to let loose a mighty rant and you've got a front row seat!

This evening I was at the gym doing my 5 miles; the row of televisions above the treadmills all tuned to some form of local or cable news. (The smaller monitor affixed to my treadmill, naturally, was tuned to E!'s 101 Crimes of Fashion.) The news shows, on the other hand, were invariably fixed on a crime of humanity: last night's premiere of Dancing With The Stars. You know, how many million people watched, the endless stupid imbecile jokes about Heather Mills' prosthetic leg, etc.

Clearly, I'm not above taking a low blow at a person with a physical abnormality or disability. I will even go so far as to relate the following personal anecdote. My freshman year of college, I was assigned a blind roommate from West Virginia named Anita. Now, at first I felt really bad for Anita, and personally vowed to do everything in my power to help her and make her comfortable. That was, until after about two weeks of living with her I realized was a nasty, unpleasant, lazy person she was; getting a free ride because of her disability while letting student aides do all her work and spending the grant money on junk food. At that point I decided to do everything in my power to make fun of her behind her back. I ended up nicknaming her "Anita Shower" for her reprehensible lack of hygiene.

Getting back to my point: The only time I want to hear about Heather Mill's leg falling off is because she lost it running from an angry mob, who then went on to beat her senseless with it. Because that would be funny... Oh how I would laaaugh and laaaugh and laaaugh.

She put herself out there, knowing she's been vilified in the media, knowing she's going to be ridiculed. A horrible repugnant woman, she has already proven she's not above committing vile acts to get paid. And no, I'm not even talking about that whole "marrying an aging icon seemingly for the purpose of dragging his name through the mud and taking his money" thing.* I'm talking about this sort of thing. (Extremely NSFW!)

So does this make it okay to support her public endeavors, albeit to make fun of her? In my opinion it absolutely does not! Laugh all you want, she's the one ultimately capitalizing from it. In fact, if you are one of the however many millions of people who watched Dancing With The Stars last night, you may as well have personally kicked Paul McCartney in his sack. Well now, America... You just kicked a Beatle in the nuts. What do you have to say for yourself?

*Okay, I know it's all his word against hers, and I usually don't take sides in any kind of he-said, she-said. But you know what? Beloved music pioneer whose anthems of peace and love shaped the 1960's and inspired countless future generations to come? v. COMMON WHORE. It's not advanced trig, people. Case closed.

I F'ing Hate Desperate Housewives.

Yet I still continue to watch. I don't know why. It started out pretty good, but it's total misogynistic crap that gets worse and worse each season while the "Housewives" become more and more freakishly preserved. Terri "Skeletor" Hatcher is so plastic and gaunt it pains me to even look at her. Still, the juicy plotlines do seem to fill an unmistakable void in my life since Melrose Place departed long ago. And what else am I doing at 9:00 on a Sunday night?

One thing that is driving me nuts about this damn show is this crap they're pulling with Bree, (Marcia Cross's character.) She started out as my favorite one of the bunch, although she pretty much still is out of default just because the others suck so much. Since I'm guessing the number of my readers who watch Desperate amount to the tune of, say no one, here is a season-by-season rundown of her character so far:

Season 1: Bree VanDecamp is introduced as the neurotic, obsessive compulsive housewife with a touch of the crazies. Her repressed ladylike facade masks what could be a total badass waiting to happen. Her husband Rex is unhappy with their marriage and is unfaithful with the friendly neighborhood dominatrix. Bree and Rex have two kids: Danielle the Slut, and Andrew the Gay Sociopath. Rex also has a heart condition, and is unceremoniously killed off at the end of the season when Bree catches the eye of murderous neighborhood pharmacist, George, who tampers with Rex's heart medication.

Season 2: Bree is dating, and becomes engaged to George, the man who murdered her beloved Rex! Juicy!!!! Right? Well unfortunately they totally shot their load early on this one. Bree figures out George murdered Rex after he attempts to murder her shrink, and George is unceremoniously killed off by committing suicide while Bree watches him die. Boooo-ring. There's also some crap with Danielle the Slut dating the murderous neighborhood teenaged boy. The rest of the season is spent cultivating poor Bree's carefully contrived alcoholism while Andrew the Gay Sociopath torments her. Oh, and then on the season finale Bree becomes involved with Orson, who had a brief thing with Skeletor, who also runs down Mike Delfino with his car for reasons unknown. (I'm not even going to get into Skeletor and Mike's stupid plotline.)

Season 3: In the season premier opening segment, we see a flashback where Orson The Psychopath murders his wife. Or, shall I say, it is strongly eluded that he murders his wife. Flash forward to the present, and Bree and Orson have been dating for 6 months when they become engaged!!!! Wow, Rex has only been in the ground a little over a year and Bree is already engaged to her second psychopath murderer! You gotta admit, that's pretty impressive. This episode also featured a scene in which Bree and Orson clean recently used wine glasses. Good to see you've kicked that nasty alcoholism, Bree! Then Orson and Bree do it, or sort of anyway, and Bree has her first orgasm ever and goes to the doctor because she doesn't understand what it is. So. Gay.

It would be nice to see Bree kick some major ass, or at least become slightly empowered this season, but somehow I think that's doubtful. All of the women on this show are either wishy-washy damsels in distress, or bitches. There's no middle ground, here. And so continues my love-hate relationship with Desperate Housewives. This show is like crack... I know it's killing my brain cells but I just can't stop watching.

Fuck you very much!

I knew I'd be writing this morning; I just didn't know if it would be a smug post or a bitter post. It turns out, as the title clearly expresses, it wound up being the latter. The Emmy's were on last night. I usually don't pay much attention to awards shows because I hate most celebrities and can't stand seeing them congregate several times a year to pat themselves on the back. Also since I don't watch many mainstream movies (and only a select few tv shows) they're usually about as interesting to me as math to a dog.

However! The Emmy's this year held special importance. The brilliant Arrested Development, also known as My Favorite Show Of All Time, was up for three awards, including Outstanding Comedy Series. Arrested was mercilessly cancelled due to "poor ratings" which were directly the result of the FOX Network's negligent-bordering-on-criminal scheduling and marketing practices. Thanks to Fox not even most die hard fans knew when Arrested aired, and as a final F U they ran the last four episodes opposite the Olympic opening ceremonies, sans promotions of any kind.

Suffice to say, the loss was devastating to fans such as myself. And yes I cried real tears when I heard the news. That's why an Emmy win was so important: a big final F U to Fox, to thank the writers and cast for doing such a great job, and at least to show the world what they missed.
Didn't. Fucking. Happen.

Here's what did happen.

Nomination: Will Arnett; Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Winner: That Guy from PCU

A few days shy of my 29th birthday, the fact that I refer to Jeremy Piven as "That guy from PCU" should show you exactly how out of touch I am. I notice he suspiciously seems to have more hair now than he did in his PCU days, which makes me wonder. Would they have given the Emmy to some bald dude? Would Entourage even have cast a bald, unsightly Jeremy Piven? You might even say Will Arnett lost the Emmy which was rightfully his to a fake ass head of man-hair! I call shenanigans! Shenanigans!!

Nomination: Arrested Development; Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
Winner: That horrible 'Earl' show

This is easily the most painful blow of the night. For one thing, Arrested Development is arguably the most finely crafted, brilliantly written show in the history of television. Even so, the competition which included Ricky Gervais, was nothing to snort at. And yet somehow the no-brainer redneck-humor show wins? Come on! I've tried watching that show and it's NOT FUNNY. And it's NOT well written. AT ALL. That stupid Jason Lee's narration really grates on me, too. You want good narration? Try watching Arrested. In the immortal words of Ron Howard: "And that's how you narrate a story." Bitch.

Nomination: Arrested Development; Outstanding Comedy Series
Winner: The Office
This was the most bittersweet category. It was the one I was banking on the most, yet part of me is just relieved that they didn't lose to Two And A Half Men. If that had happened, I would have probably passed out by now from all the banging of my head onto solid surfaces. If they had to lose to anyone, I probably would have preferred it would have been Curb, but The Office is not bad for a show that was ripped off of a better show. Still. Although I'm grasping for a silver lining, in all seriousness this is the most soul crushingly disappointed I've been since the '04 Presidential Elections.

Arrested Development, Season 3 comes out on DVD tomorrow. If the last two seasons are any indication it will be on the best seller lists for quite some time. If you haven't seen the show, go out and rent it. But try not to enjoy it too much because keep in mind, you're part of the reason why it failed miserably. We all told you to watch, and you didn't. And now no one gets to watch it. Jerks.

What I learned from watching NEXT on Mtv.

Okay first of all let me clear up why I watch NEXT. The treadmills at my gym all have little flatscreen TVs affixed to them. You can bring in headphones to listen to the TVs, but if you're like me and you run on average 6-8mph, it's both distracting and dangerous to have wires dangling around your face. So out of all the channels, Mtv is the one network that airs programming where the assumed mental capacity of the viewer is so substandard, you don't actually need sound to understand and enjoy it. Actually, I probably enjoy it more without the sound.

Having cleared that up. NEXT is quite possibly the most fascinating Mtv show I've ever seen. The girls are all whorey disease farms, and the guys are all clearly homosexual. As each potential "dater" is getting off the NEXT bus they do a freeze frame, and graphics on the screen helpfully give you the name and a few "fun facts" about each candidate. I shit you not, some of the "fun facts" I saw on the program tonight, (for the guys) included: Idolizes Keanu Reeves; Wears pink on a daily basis; Scopes Overeaters Anonymous to meet chicks; and Likes the smell of his own armpits. Well, of course. Because what totally not gay guy doesn't like the occasional whiff of man musk?* Oh, and let it be known that the OA guy actually kissed his bicep and flexed his muscle for the viewing pleasure of the other four totally not gay dudes on the bus.

The girls are slightly less entertaining, unless one of them falls off the bus. Of course there is always the Prerequisite Chubby Girl, who typically goes up first so the totally not gay guy in question can immediately "NEXT" her, much to the delight of the other catty whores waiting back on the bus.

So what did I learn by watching NEXT? Well, nothing, actually. Except our country is doomed, as the idiots will inherit the earth. But we already knew that.

*That's not a fair question. Litelysalted has quite a few gay friends, and without consulting with any of them I would have to assume that gay men probably don't actually like armpit smell. But you have to admit it doesn't present a rock solid case for straight, either.

Why HGTV is hurting America.

Litelysalted would like to apologize in advance for this rant to a producer friend who works for HGTV.

Well, first off, not all shows on HGTV are bad. Like those shows that feature cutting edge architecture, or homes built out of renovated train stations. Those shows are boss. What I'm referring to are those schlocky DIY For Idiots shows. You know the ones I mean: "Redesign your living room for under $100, using only popsicle sticks, styrofoam and glitter!" If only I had a rolled up newspaper to swat on the nose of every moron whose glazed over facade suddenly brightens when they hear those words.

Now there is a reason why should shouldn't employ the same tactics for home improvement as you would in a third grade arts and crafts class. Your old shitty chair with a piece of felt glued to it it NOT a Brand New Chair. It is your same shitty old chair. With a piece of felt glued to it. Bitch, please. If you're that desperate for a new chair just go to Ikea. Even poor people can afford to shop at Ikea, so you've got no excuse.

What's even sadder is when they try to create "artwork" to display in their DIY masterpiece homes. I saw an episode of Curb Appeal this weekend where they cut apart a bike frame and made a windchime out of it. They didn't even do anything to it to make it not look like a bike frame, you could see the decals and everything. I could throwup a better windchime than that. (And aren't windchimes for old people anyway!?)

If you think Bad DIY is a victimless crime, well think again my friend. I know a woman, we'll call her Sharon.* She and her husband recently purchased their first house; a charming little row home with a huge backyard. Unfortunately the family that owned it before them probably watched one too many episodes of Trading Spaces. Among other things like crazy mismatching paint in every room, they have a ceiling fan in their home that was spray painted metallic silver. I can only imagine this poor fan was just another casualty of irresponsible DIY programming.

Before the hate mail commences, I would just like to say I have nothing against DIY. Mister Litelysalted and I are currently in the process of building a 2500 square foot deco style home that we designed ourselves. But there is a hugefuckingdifference between taking it upon yourself to do something creative and stylish, and making a decorative pillow out of an old pair of jeans and oversized buttons.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.