Ask Ms. Salty 11/05/07

I would like to apologize once again, for the lateness of this edition of Ask Ms. Salty. The thing of it is, this column has been a rather spectacular failure due to both lack of reader and author participation. If anyone out there would still like to send in questions, by all means. Eventually I'll get around to answering them, but due to other projects which have recently found me -- it just might take me a little while.

Dear Ms Salty,

I'm having what can only be described as "issues" with a couple of women that I work with. Neither work with me directly, although I do end up seeing them both on an almost daily basis. The problem I have is this both of them seem unable to help themselves when it comes to butting into my life with completely unsolicited advice, and not just advice but criticism. The first takes issue generally with "health" issues - what I'm eating, how much exercise I'm doing etc. I have the added problem that she is married to my line manager so turning around and snapping at her is not really an answer here. The second is a girl that I see socially fairly often as well as at work. Her level of interest seems to fall into the category of my "love life", rather than snide remarks her tactic is to physically drag me out of a conversation to reprimand my behaviour (talking to someone I once slept with and with whom I remain friends - my God!) or to rather loudly warn me to be careful around someone who is horrifyingly still in ear shot.

I am aware that compared to both of these women I may be considered relatively young - they are both only about six years my senior - but surely as a grown woman I should be exempt from any mothering instincts they have? The bitch in me is a little put out at not being able to snap back at women who are criticising areas of my life that aren't too good in their own either. Any suggestions on how to deal with them without a) putting me in a negative light with my boss and b) ostracising myself from my work social circle?

Signed

About to Snap

Dear About to Snap,

Nosy work bitches, eh? Unfortunately, as a young woman entering the workforce, it's more likely than not that you're going to be subjected to that sort of thing. But mothering instincts?? I sure as hell hope that's your words, not theirs. There should be no kind of mothering fuckery going on in the instance of a six year age difference. Hell, that's just creepy.

At any rate, to answer your question. I've got some experience with sort of thing myself, so here's what I've learned to do. Convince these women that you're a total fuck up -- just a complete lost cause -- and I think you'll find it alleviates some of the pressure. For example, when I started my last job, it was a small office environment with a few "mother hen" types. Perfectly nice ladies, but me being a late 20-something cohabiting with a man -- it was only a matter of time before they started with the inevitable breeding queries. Now I don't ever plan on having kids -- ever -- which I made abundantly clear right from the get-go. Did it stop the questions? Of course not. So one day when one of them asked me, "Well, what if it just happens and it's an accident?" I think I responded along the lines of "No baby will ever come out of these loins if I have to reach up there and rip out that goddamn fetus with my cold dead hands."

Haven't heard a word about it since. Ladies at work getting up in your grill because you ate fast food for lunch? Loudly pretend to purge in the bathroom shortly afterwards. Nagging about your lovelife? tell 'em you fucked some guy you met at TGI Friday's and now you've got a rash "down there." It's amazing what "TMI" can do. You've just got to make those ladies see -- not only are you not any "fun" to give advice to, but you're just past the point of conceivable advising altogether. Hope that helps.

When to Hold and When to Fold

First of all, I'd like to apologize for both my absence lately, as well as my neglect to answer the very questions I solicited last month. I promise to do better in the future, so please keep 'em coming!

And hey, look -- I've even got a brand spankin' new graphic!
Fancy graphics = commitment. Right? And as always, send your questions to litelysalted[at]yahoo.com.

Dear Ms. Salty,

I was fired from my job this week without cause or warning, and by email. I work from home (in order to care for my baby), so no nasty scenes were necessary. I took it rather well since the company is really unpredictable and I'm not the first person to get canned without reason. Sure -- I am pissed, but my family is financially stable from my husband's income, so I wasn't in a panic. But apparently quite a few people at my job freaked out when they heard the news -- and all out arguments started with management in both of our regional offices with at least 5 people going to bat for me. Within a few hours, I got a call from an exec saying a mistake had been made and they would like me to consider rejoining the company.

I agreed on a provisional basis, mostly due to loyalty to my team which would have ended up pretty screwed without me. But I honestly am not pleased with how I was treated and I think I'm probably still on the chopping block. And since I don't need to worry about finding another job immediately, do you think I should quit this job? Wait until I find another?

– Conflicted and Pissed

Dear Conflicted,

Having dealt with management eh, "issues" in my past -- I can totally relate to (and applaud) your desire to screw over your employers. It has been my experience in office society, that there's no feeling we drones relish more than giving the big middle finger to ignorant and overzealous management. Having said that, it had also been my experience that in seeking out future employment, it's usually the friends and colleagues I've made that pull through and provide the best leads and references -- and likewise I am always keeping colleagues in mind for freelance or contract work in the position that I currently hold. So in that respect, you might want to stick around for the sake of your coworkers while you have the leisure of waiting for something better to come along. And when that time comes, not only will your coworkers understand your decision -- but the big "fuck you" bestowed upon your employer will feel all the more special and earned.

Dear Ms. Salty,

I believe in fighting for what I want in life. Is this also true in love?

– Swallow Life

Dear Swallow,

Of all the things that we silly humans fight for, love is of the most important and noble causes of them all -- whether it be love for a partner, friends or family. However, when it comes to fighting for true love -- one must keep in mind the feelings of exactly whom it is we're fighting for, and when to throw in the towel. There's a fine line between overcoming personal and physical obstacles, and when the restraining order tells you not to come within 500 feet of this person.

Ask Ms. Salty

For awhile now I've been mulling around the idea of starting an advice column on this site, and have even gotten several requests to that effect. So now, especially in that my areas of expertise such as reality tv and celebrity fashion are increasingly being farmed out to my sister sites -- it seems like now is as good a time as ever. Depending on how popular this feature is, I may try to incorporate it once a week, or as sporadically as the questions roll in. And, of course you are free to remain anonymous! Send your requests to litelysalted@yahoo.com.

And now, on with my first set of questions!

Dear Ms. Salty,

So, I had a terrible interview the other day. Beyond humiliating. I want to write to the guy and tell him I've been offered employment elsewhere (I haven't) and tell him off; my question is, should I do this? I figured the queen of feisty-ness and snark would have the answer. I'm a big ol' pussy, so I'm sitting here thinking of all of the consequences and other general reasons I shouldn't do it (number one being that he doesn't deserve any more of my time...though if I don't write it, I'm just going to stew over it). He's a total douche, and I think he should be told as much. If I wasn't wearing heels after a summer of flip flops, I would've gotten up and walked out of the interview, but I was afraid I'd make this bold statement (even bolder for me!), and then walk out in sitcom slow-motion. Just picture that uncomfortable and awkward silence. Crickets.

-- Should Have Gone with Casual Footwear

Dear Footwear,

It's hard for me to draft an exact response to a humiliating interview without knowing the extenuating circumstances -- such as what happened during the interview to make the guy act like such a dick in the first place? Or was he just inherently a douchenozzle?

Regardless, if you know you can get away with it without burning any bridges within professional networks, I would definitely hand this guy his ass on a platter with a side of collard greens. Just think, it's only email! You can't turn around and trip over a trash can, or stutter, or do any of those unfortunate things that is the quandary of face to face verbal bitchsmacking. What's the worst that can happen? The most likely route is that you probably won't hear anything back because of required professionalism (or maybe not?) on his end, or perhaps just a short and sweet "thank you for your feedback" note. Go for it sista, I think you'll be amazed at how wonderful and empowering it can feel to eviscerate someone via email.

Dear Ms. Salty,

Sometimes I go to school dressed in my Superman outfit, and all the jocks make fun of me and call me names like "retard" and "queer bait" and push me on the floor when all I'm trying to do is show off my sweet Superman moves. What am I doing wrong?

-- TK

Dear TK,

Don't let anyone stop you from being your badass, flamboyant superhero self. Next time the jocks pick on you, trying incapacitating them with a move I like to call the "Groin Kick of Justice" -- however it's important to remember after employing the the "Groin Kick of Justice," that once a jock recovers, he's going to be ten times as pissed as he was when he was tormenting you in the first place. Best to spend the rest of the day squatting on a toilet seat with the door locked in the girls bathroom.