I'm sure this will come as a complete shock to all of you, but it turns out that Paris Hilton's ex Doug Reinhardt was scamming her the whole time. Supposedly he was overheard referring to her as his "meal ticket for life" and bragging that she was smitten with his romantic "skills." Please. Like she wouldn't be "smitten" by a dildo on a string. Oh yeah, and he was cheating on her and robbing her blind:

Separately, a source in Los Angeles who is very close to Hilton tells me Reinhardt's unchecked spending habits -- discovered by Paris' accountants -- were an issue. They found a number of purchases charged by him to her credit cards, without her permission. Among the charges were clothes, jewelry (including a couple of watches) and some unspecified artwork.

Beyond that, a Hilton check of Reinhardt's cell phone uncovered some text messages leading the celebutante to suspect the guy who called her ''the love of my life'' was actually seeing other women. (Source)

Wow. It's amazing to think that the guy who once got dumped by Amanda Bynes for using her for her fame could love Paris Hilton for anything beyond her witty charm and dazzling beauty. She just is really not the best judge of character, is she? I'm just surprised she hasn't traded her entire fortune to a homeless man for some magic beans by now that were actually coffee beans he fished out of the garbage can.

At the Borgata in Atlantic City this weekend:

Phonies: (Noun) A fraudulent person or thing; plural.

OK, get ready to forget everything you've ever known about the Madden Brothers. Done? Huh, that was quick. Anyway, apparently this whole time they weren't who we thought they were. Until just recently, their real names were Joel and Benji Combs.

Joel and Benji Madden weren't actually Joel and Benji Madden until a few weeks ago -- they were legally known as Joel and Benji COMBS.

According to some court documents, the Good Charlotte twins have officially changed their last name to Madden -- Joel on April 14 and Benji on May 1. (Source)

Pretty lame if you ask me. I mean, if you're going to invent a punk rock last name at least pick something more creative than stupid Madden. Like "Zipperhead" or "Bloodguts" or "Stompface." Or "The Only Reason Anyone Even Gives A Crap About Us Anymore Is Because We Banged Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie." Hmmm ... I guess that last one isn't so much punk rock as brutally honest.

Joel and his douchey new hair and Nicole Richie at the launch of her "House Of Harlow" jewelry collection:

Preposterous: (Adjective) Contrary to reason or common sense; utterly absurd or ridiculous.

Just so you know, Beyoncé heard what you've been saying about her, about how she can't sing? Yeah. Well, she thinks you're full of shit.

"Of course I'm just hearing about this today — and I haven't heard it but it sounds completely ridiculous," Beyoncé said at the junket for her forthcoming film "Obsessed." "Everyone's heard me sing and it's perfect timing, actually, because I'll be on the 'Today' show tomorrow singing 'Halo,' or tonight you can watch me sing live on David Letterman! It's perfect promotion, whoever came up with that idea." (Source)

See? Beyoncé is so confident about her singing she doesn't even need to hear the tape to know it's a fake. That's how good she is. When it comes to Beyoncé's awesomeness, there is no room for error. Kind of like the Hoover Dam. In fact, that should just be her new slogan. Beyoncé: The Hoover Dam of Awesomeness. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Strutting it outside of Letterman last night:

Punch Line: (Noun) The final phrase of a joke, providing the humor or other crucial element.

Ooh! Ooh! I've totally heard this one before. Bono, Bill Clinton and Bon Jovi walk into a bar... How does the rest go? Crap. I could have sworn it had something to do with Jon Bon getting slipped a shit ton of roofies and waking up ball gagged and hog-tied. Damn, I guess it'll come to me eventually.

On The Prowl: (Phrase) Of a person or animal moving around as if in search of prey.

Now that Lindsay Lohan is "on a break" with Samantha Ronson, she's wasting no time in trying to score herself some quality A-list peen. I think she's setting the bar a bit high though, because last week she was apparently trying to get with Leonardo DiCaprio. Really?

Lindsay spotted Leo at Hollywood hotspot My House on Wednesday night. A source said: “As soon as Lindsay saw Leo she was like a bee to honey.

“She was going for the big catch and when she spotted him in a dark corner of the club she headed straight for him. “She quickly monopolised his conversation and made sure she had him all to herself.

“Lindsay is a sharp tac. She wasn’t wasting her time chatting up small fish. She seemed interested in the gents with deeper pockets, probably because her career is on a downward trajectory.

“The pair were cosied up together deep in conversation. She definitely tickled his fancy.” As the night went on and the drinks flowed, things between her and Leo hotted up and she took to the dancefloor to show off her talents. (Source)

Leonardo DiCaprio has banged his way through most of the world's most beautiful women, and is currently linked to ubermodel Bar Rafaeli. Lindsay Lohan shows up to places with band-aids on her fingers and splotches of spray tanner on her arms. This story couldn't be any more fictional if it ended up with them hopping onto the back of a winged unicorn and flying off to the Land of Gumdrops. I'll give whichever member of the Lohan family who fabricated this a C+ for effort, though.

More of Lindsay last Wednesday at the Armani Exchange launch for A|X Watches:

Practical: (Adjective) Suitable for a particular purpose.

Miley Cyrus took a little jogging constitutional the other night wearing Uggs, hoop earrings, and carrying a cell phone. I guess on the grand scale of Miley's retardation, it makes just as much sense as going jogging in a bikini, which would be "almost no sense whatsoever." I swear, when God was handing out brains, Miley Cyrus probably thought he said trains, and then said to herself, "Hey, I know! Let's all put on some ice skates and go for a swim."

Presidential: (Adjective) Of or pertaining to a president or presidency.

Hey, guess what? Spencer Pratt wants to run for government office someday! Because, of course he does! Sure, why not.

"Don't know if I'll be getting elected any time in the next century or so, but definitely going after mayor of L.A. and at least governor," he tells celebrity blog Pop Sugar. "I'll probably stop at Governor."

He then quips, "I mean, if people were really pushing for me [to run for president] at that point, I'll probably have to step into that role. That pressure may be a little much." (Source)

Everything Spencer Pratt says out of his stupid shit mouth is full of shit and not true whatsoever. Everybody knows it. Which is a shame, because I bet for a hot minute there George W. got his hopes up that he might not go down in history as the worst President of the United States after all. Well I hope you're happy with yourself now, Spencer. You made the former President sad. You stinkin' jerk.

President Gorton Fisherman's Beard and First Lady Blow-Up Doll out in Hollywood last week:

Preggs: (Adjective) Short for "pregnant."

No way! Buffy and Chico and the Man Jr. are having a baybay!

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child together, a source close to the couple confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. "They're very excited," says the source, adding that the actress, 31, is due in the fall. (Source)

Funny, when I saw their photo on People's website, I thought for sure they were getting divorced. I could just feel it. You never see them photographed together, not ever, and even that header image is like two years old and it's the most recent I could find. I always just figured they lived in separate wings of the mansion because Sarah Michelle Gellar was too much of a control freak to announce a divorce. But here, it turns out the whole time they were having sex and everything. Boy is my face red!

More of Buffcakes deliberately trying to piss off PETA last fall:

Problematic: (Adjective) Constituting or presenting a problem or difficulty.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, who I feel has come unto his own enough that I can stop referring to him as "The Mac Guy," are reuniting onscreen for an "observational comedy" (read: quirky romcom that pokes fun at the differences between men and women) called Going the Distance.

They'll play a couple threatened by the obstacles posed by their long-distance relationship, reports the trade paper. Barrymore, 34, and Long, 30, previously costarred together in this year's ensemble comedy He's Just Not That Into You, which made $145 million internationally. Its filming also helped nurture the Barrymore-Long relationship. (Source)

So, yeah. Bad idea or worst idea ever? But you know what would kind of be a good idea? A movie about two exes who are so delusional about their so-called friendship that they actually agree to work on a movie together. It would be called Between Takes and star Katherine Heigl and Luke Wilson, who would eventually murder the living shit out of her at the end of the film. Box office gold, I'm telling you.

Drew and some dude at a Lakers game last month:

Petrifying: (Adjective) Paralyzing with terror.

Remember back when Christina Aguilera was just some nice girl who sang about genies in bottles and shit like that? Yeah, me neither. Now we're just stuck with this person vaguely resembling a seductive female alien sent here to have sex with the Earth's men before revealing a set of foot-long mandibles and gruesomely biting their heads off.

Predictable: (Adjective) Behaving or occurring in a way that is expected.

Remember when Paris Hilton was dating Benji Madden and she started wearing that retarded BM "bowel movement" ring all the time? Yeah. Well now that she's been dating this Doug Reinhardt asshole for all of a hot minute, naturally she's already wearing his stupid initial around her stupid neck. Doug Reinhardt, if you'll recall, was recently dumped by Amanda Bynes for being too much of a famewhore, and I called him a failure at using women for their celebrity and told him to go look up Tara Reid. Well now, he sure showed me, didn't he? But you have to admit, it kind of makes them the perfect couple. Right? I haven't seen such a natural pairing since flies met dog shit.

Privileged: (Adjective) A special right or advantage available only to a particular person.

Paris Hilton is currently vacationing in Hawaii with her new boyfriend, because, of course she is. What did you expect, her to be visiting sick kids or doing humanitarian work in Darfur? Well, with any luck, maybe she'll be mistaken for a surfboard and get slapped face down in the water until she drowns to death. It's the little hopes like these that get me through the days, you know?

Puke: (Verb) To vomit.

Long story short, I went out drinking last night. Because when you're a blogger, you can totally do that; go out drinking on a Thursday night. I know, my life is great. Anyways, I got pretty drunk. Like, blackout drunk. Like, don't remember singing karaoke drunk. Yet when I woke up this morning, I was totally surprised with how awesome and not-at-all hungover I felt.

Then, I turn on my computer and this is the first thing that smacks me in the face. And now it's all come back, like a person with amnesia regaining their memory. The Long Island Iced Teas, the 2 a.m. pizza, that half of a cigarette I smoked, all of it. Now I don't know if I should make myself throw up or start drinking again. Paris Hilton, folks. Literally, the only thing more sobering than waking up next to a stranger.

More below, including a delightful upskirt:

Proof: (Noun) Evidence establishing a fact or the truth of a statement.

"See guys? Look, I totally eat!"

In her quest to prove that she's not back to being an anorexic coke-head, Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a West Hollywood "Yogurtland" eating -- wait for it -- frozen yogurt! Nice try Linds, but everybody knows frozen yogurt is pretty much the easiest food in the world to puke up. When I was in college there was even a girl who lived down the hall from me who would have pretzels dipped in ketchup for dinner every night followed by fat-free frozen yogurt for dessert, like we didn't all know she was throwing that shit up before she went to go hit the gym for three hours. Next time try something a little more inspired, like all-you-can-eat "riblets" night at Applebee's or a pie-eating contest. And not the pie-eating contest you have on a nightly basis with Samantha, either. Zing!!!

Preggers: (Adjective) Short for "pregnant."

Avril Lavigne and her stupid, pink-tipped hair sparked pregnancy rumors this weekend when she was seen leaving a Santa Monica restaurant with husband Deryck [sic] Whibley and holding a hand on her stomach. It's hard to say. Sure, she may be actually pregnant. Or, she may have just gone overboard on the fried mozzarella. That shit makes me gassy too. Either way, regardless of whether Avril Lavigne is pregnant or not, one thing's for sure: Everybody will continue not caring about Avril Lavigne. She probably couldn't give exclusive baby photos to US Magazine for free. They'd like like, no thanks, we're just gonna go with Jessica Simpson fat pictures again.

Avril and Drrryk in Los Angeles back in December shortly before the paparazzi realized they weren't Ashlee and Pete: