One-Trick Pony: (Noun) A person or thing with only one special talent, or area of expertise.

Oh wow, what a surprise. Lindsay Lohan. Doing Marilyn Monroe. Again. This time for Spanish Vogue. I guess she likens herself to the fallen star since they're both troubled, substance-abusing actresses with a poor work ethic and questionable talent known more for their scandalous personal lives rather than professional resume. But then again, Marilyn Monroe made like fifty films lived to be thirty-six. At the rate she's going, Lindsay's life expectancy isn't going to be near that high. She's probably be better off relating herself to the dog from the Air Bud movies at this point.

Open-Minded: (Adjective) Willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.

Gays of the United States can rejoice! Miss California may think you're a bunch of hell-bound sinners, but Miley Cyrus wants you to know that Miss California is an effing bitch and she totally has your back. Yeah! Suck on that, you sash-wearing slag!

"That's lame!" Cyrus wrote in a series of tweets that began yesterday morning. "God's greatest commandment is to love. and judging is not loving. thats why christians have such a bad rep. <3"

Later, she added, "Jesus loves you AND your partner and wants you to know how much he cares! That's like a daddy not loving his lil boy cuz hes gay." (Source)

There you have it folks, the least despicable thing that has ever come out of Miley Cyrus' mouth. In fact, it's not even despicable at all. In fact, it damn near endears her to me, for the first time ever. So of course the sad thing about this is that by the end of the week she'll still be apologizing for her words after the bible-beating, redneck parents of her demographic descend onto Disney headquarters lynching Mickey Mouse in effigy. I guess poor Miley just can't win no matter what she does. Which is why she should just throw herself off a cliff. I think it'd be best for everyone this way.

More of Miley Cyrus; Friend to the Gays at a Madrid Hannah Montana photocall:

Original: (Noun) Something serving as a model or basis for imitations or copies.

Zooey Deschanel has finally had it with being mistaken for that stupid whore Katy Perry. Of course, she didn't say it quite like that, as her beauty is only outmatched by her class.

"It's a little bit annoying, to be totally blunt. The only similarity that we have is that we look a little bit alike. I have met her before. She seems like a nice person. I'm happy that she's famous enough now that she's not going out and being mistaken for me.

"I used to get, 'I heard you were out at such-and-such club drinking whiskey!' (when) I was at home watching TV. I think we lead very different lives. At some point I feel like this will stop being a thing. I like the way my life goes. It's sort of strange to be associated with someone that's doing such different stuff than me. It's weird." (Source)

Here's a handy guide for telling the difference between Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel. #1: Does it smell like lip smackers and desperation? #2: Does it have Hello Kitty attatched anywhere to it? #3: Does it make you want to start punching things? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you've probably got a Katy Perry on your hands. Don't make direct eye contact and seek shelter immediately.

More of perty Zooey at the Vanity Fair Oscar party:

Owned: (Verb) To be physically or mentally disgraced in a formidable fashion.

Paris Hilton and her assy boyfriend Doug Reinhardt got into a physical altercation with a DJ in a Miami nightclub last week in which Reinhardt was handed a bloody face. (Heh.) The couple naturally blamed everyone but themselves for the fight, but according to the DJ it was actually Paris who started it.

Angello tells WENN, "Paris's story is a joke. She kept demanding I play hip-hop, not Madonna, Daft Punk or anyone else - I'm not a hip-hop DJ. I don't have a bodyguard either. Her guy punched me first and I defended myself. No-one else was involved. She might be used to people saying yes to her 24/7, but she's not going to get that from me. The Winter Music Conference is about the music, and that's the reason people travel to it from all over the world. It's not about spoilt girls getting what they want." (Source)

Just think, maybe if more people would have said "no" to Paris Hilton over the years, maybe she wouldn't have turned out to be the Godzilla-sized twat she is today. Then again, if Kathy Hilton had just gone through with the dang abortion, there would be no "what if's" to ponder in the first place. Hmmmm ... To the Delorian, Doc Brown! God speed!

More of Paris and her man whore at Queen Latifah's birthday party:

Out The Ass: (Phrase) A large or substantial amount or degree of something, particularly used in reference to being sued.

Sharon Osbourne is about to learn the hard way why you can't just go around hitting and scratching people and pulling their hair out. "Rock of Love" contestant Megan Hauserman is gonna sue the shit out of her!

The lawsuit states that Hauserman was "grievously and permanently injured and hurt in her health, strength and activity" and "will be prevented from attending to any occupation in the future."

Therefore, she is suing for damages to cover past and future medical expenses, loss of earning potential and legal costs, as well as any punitive damages the court should see fit. (Source)

You could argue that Megan's lawsuit is a bit frivolous -- I mean, really? She wasn't "attending" to any "occupation" to begin with. But fuck it. The Osbourne family is such spoiled, entitled trash I can't wait to see them totally eat it. When it all boils down, that entire family are just an accent and four bottles of peroxide away from being The Hogans.

Obnoxious: (Adjective) Annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, for some inexplicable reason, spent her 30th birthday dressed up at Audrey Hepburn's character in Breakfast at Tiffany's with a Breakfast at Tiffany's themed party. Oh wait, I guess the reason isn't that inexplicable after all. It's because Jennifer Love Hewitt is pathetic and retarded.

It began with a croissant and coffee at Beverly Hills jeweler Tiffany's, where she dressed as her heroine's character Holly Golightly for a real breakfast at Tiffany's.

And the Hepburn theme continued throughout the day at the Montage, where friends and family celebrated with Hewitt. The actress says, "It was amazing. I had a great day." (Source)

Well I guess it does kind of make sense. After all, Holly Golightly was a needy, self-absorbed call girl and Jennifer Love Hewitt is a need, self-absorbed actress. Aside from the fact that Holly Golightly didn't need to purge Fiddle Faddle for a week to fit into her dress, there's almost no conceivable difference.

Obviously: (Adjective) Easily perceived or understood; clear, self-evident, or apparent.

Here's Eva Longoria's BFF and purse-holder Mario Lopez giggling like a schoolgirl with Eva and Ken Paves at the opening of a salon in Vegas last night. Really? I mean, really?? This guy isn't out of the closet yet? He may as well just be in denial about being Mexican or having killer dimples.

Outmatched: (Verb) Be superior to an opponent or rival.

I would have never believed this if I didn't read it with my own eyes, but Oscar-winning actress Faye Dunaway and "Lizzie McGuire" star Hilary Duff seem to be embroiled in a feud together. Dunaway was seemingly unhappy with Duff's casting in Bonnie and Clyde, clearly having failed to understand that Hollywood wants to shit on the remake rather than do it justice.

Dunaway, 68, who starred with Warren Beatty in the 1967 original, was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times January 28th as having said, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?"

Now Duff, asked by E! about Dunaway's supposed comments, has responded by insulting her appearance. "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too." (Source)

Wrong answer. In fact, I think any answer that didn't express overwhelming flattery and gratitude for Faye Dunaway even knowing who the fuck Hilary Duff is in the first place would have been the wrong answer. I would, however, have accepted, "I'll just be in my stall now."

More of The Horse's Mouth on vacation in the Bahamas last month:

Obsession: (Noun) The state of being obsessed with someone or something.

It used to be that every time I posted about Heidi and Spencer you guys would do nothing but complain and I would say I was driven by an unstoppable compulsion and couldn't help it.* Well, just so you know I'm not the only one, because Bill Gedde, executive producer of "The View," apparently felt so strongly that he actually booked them on the show.

"This is my personal obsession," Geddie said. "I can't get enough Heidi and Spencer. I must tell you, the women are not exactly in my court on this. I hear: 'Why are you booking them again?' And I say, 'There's something about them that sort of encapsulates the age we live in.' " (Source)

See? Heidi and Spencer? Officially fascinating. The producer man says so. Well either fascinating or some kind of ancient demons using mind control to infiltrate our society from the inside out. Which would actually kind of make sense because when you think about it they're actually kind of... Not fascinating. I guess that would also explain the whole "dead behind the eyes" thing, too.

(* Editor's note: You don't complain anymore which means you've either gotten used to it or have stopped reading. I hope it's the first one.)

Frick and Frack trying to catch flies at some Ultimate Fighting thing last week:

Outbreak: (Noun) The sudden start of something unwelcome, such as war, disease, etc.

The fatdemic currently plaguing Hollywood triggered by Jessica Simpson was exacerbated this weekend when Jack Black was photographed on vacation in Mexico -- get this -- looking fat. President Obama has yet to comment on this latest development and no word what effect, if any, this will have on the economy. However, if this alarming trend keeps up all the Starbucks in L.A. could soon be replaced by Krispy Cremes and The Ivy will have to start serving peanut butter bacon cheeseburger sliders.  

Open-Minded: (Adjective) Willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.

Boy, that Courtney Love sure is a delightful person. I guess it was only a matter of time before her incoherent rants smacked of racism, and that day has finally come. In the new issue of Heeb, as in the Jewish magazine, Courtney Love gives those dirty Jews a piece of her mind.

"Every time you buy a Nirvana record, part of that money is not going to Kurt's child, or to me, it's going to a handful of Jew loan officers, Jew private banks, it's going to lawyers who are also bankers . . ." (Source)

Whoa, simmer down there Hitler. Before you go cutting swastikas into your arm, remember that there were actually two other members of Nirvana, and neither of them were you. I love that 15 years after Kurt Cobain's death this slag is still making everything about her. If she put half the energy into her music as she did harping about the fact that she's a drug addict's widow maybe her career wouldn't be a joke of a turd floating in the toilet. Because being a crazy, racist druggie still doesn't classify as a career these days, no matter what Rush Limbaugh tells you.

More of Retarded Gypsy out panhandling the other week:

Oops: (Exclamation) Used to show recognition of a mistake or minor accident.

Last week rumors surfaced that Britney Spears is now dating Indian choreographer/dancer, Sandip Soparrkar. Just when I finally learned how to spell "Adnan Ghalib," too. Only problem is, it turns out Sandip kind of already has a girlfriend.

Soparrkar's model girlfriend says, "Britney did come over to India and she and Sandip went away for a few days, but it was purely professional. They were busy rehearsing. I really do wish she'd just leave us alone now." (Source)

Yeah, good luck with that, lady. I'm sure Shar Jackson said the same thing when people started coming up to asking, "Uhh, isn't that, like, the father of your children gallivanting on a beach with Britney Spears on the cover of The National Enquirer? She was probably like, "No, it's cool. They just work together."

Homewrecker Delight performing on "Good Morning America" a few weeks ago:

Obnoxious: (Adjective) Extremely unpleasant and/or grating.

In her latest bid to be as much of an attention whore as humanly possibly, Paris Hilton drove around LA yesterday in her brand new custom Barbie-pink Bentley. The car reportedly cost upwards of $200 grand, and while I know that's pocket change to Paris Hilton... Really, how stupid is she? Ninety-nine point nine percent of the world hates her stupid pink guts, and what better way to show it than to do your part in destroying that shiny new car of hers? It's not like you'd mistake it for some other pink car with "PH" encrusted in rhinestones all over the godforsaken thing.

In fact, if I had to choose, and in front of me there was Paris Hilton's pink car and the world's longest Domino® chain with a sign in front of it that read "$1 million dollars to whomever knocks this down" -- and I could only pick one of those things to ruin? I would still pick the car. I would be halfway through scratching "WHORE" into the hood and think to myself, "Huh. I could've had a million dollars," and then I'd just shrug my shoulders and go back to keying the motherloving shit out of that car.

More of Paris and her walking target of a car and her Brittany Spaniel:

Overcompensate: (Verb) To take excessive measures in attempting to correct or make amends for an error, weakness, or problem.

Sorry to do this to you guys this morning, but I read this story last night and was then forced to drink myself into a stupor until I passed out -- so now it's your turn. Ol' Pete Wentzey must be sick of bloggers like myself insinuating that he's gay and doesn't have sex with his wife, so he went on Stern and let the TMI flow like fine diarrhea:

"We have an amazing sex life," the Fall Out Boy bassist, 29, said while promoting the band's new album, Folie a Deux. "We have such sexual chemistry," he went on. "If we had been on this show last year, we'd probably be doing it in the green room right now.

Currently, they don't have sex -- "the kid's [a few] weeks old," Wentz explained -- but "we do other fun stuff."

Wentz said it took some time to convince Simpson to hook up with him. (He joked that he had to "beat her over the head with a club and drag her back to my cave.") Once they did it, it was "the single best sexual encounter I have ever had," he said. "It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'"

Wentz told Stern that Simpson also "loves giving me lap dances. She gives a mean lap dance." She wears thongs and "sexy clothes," he noted. He went on to say that Simpson's body is already hot three weeks after giving birth. Normally she wears a C-cup "but with breast milk, [she's] a D." (Source)

I'm sure this at least partly has to do with Us Weekly's transcription of the interview, but Pete Wentz has never sounded more like a 14-year-old virgin lying about doing it with a girl. All he's missing here is "I put my penis in her vachina."

Petey playing the Y100 Jingle Ball this weekend. Really not gay? I mean really, really?

Overhaul: (Noun) A thorough examination of machinery or a system, with repairs or changes made if necessary.

Oh, goody. Rumer Willis is back. It seemed like there was once a time where I couldn't go a week without making fun of pictures of Rumer Willis, and then one day she up and disappeared. Took her potato-shaped ball and went home with it. I think she was actually probably shooting one of her two upcoming movies starring skanks from "The Hills," but whatever. Now that she's back, I have to say she seems... Slightly improved? That hair really takes the eye off of her awful, awful face; and she appears to be actually standing up straighter, so I can't even call her the scoliosis queen anymore. Ok, Rumer; you win this one. For once I won't make fun of you. But I can't make any promises if I have to start seeing your gay-ass tattoo every other damn day again.