Milestone: (Noun) An event marking a significant change or stage in development.

Everyone's favorite adorable cult member, Suri Cruise, celebrated the big zero-three yesterday. They grow up so fast!

Parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes planned a princess-themed party for their daughter, which included a cake featuring Belle from Beauty and the Beast and a treasure hunt.

"They just wanted to keep it small and make it fun for Suri and her friends," says a source. (Source)

See now, I was way off base. I thought it was her third birthday that the ritualistic ceremony was to take place in which her physical body would become a vessel for the great L. Ron Hubbard's eternal spirit. But now I think about it, that might actually be her fourth birthday when that happens. My bad. In the meantime, I guess that Beauty and the Beast and treasure hunt crap sound like fun too, though.

The great and powerful Suri and family in Japan last month:

Mature: (Adjective) Having reached an advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

Miley Cyrus is the cover girl for the May issue of Glamour, because I guess being a spoiled little butterfaced jackass is what passes for "glamorous" these days. At any rate, Miley talks about her relationship with Underwear Model McGriff, who she started dating when she was 15. Why can't we just embrace their love, y'all?

As the Hannah Montana actress sees it, dating beyond her age bracket shouldn't be that big of a deal. "I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, and I'm ready for people to accept it," Cyrus notes. "My fans already accept it—they just want me to be happy. And I haven't been that happy in a few years...working so hard, moving to L.A. from Nashville, going through a bad breakup [with Nick Jonas]. I'm finally happy again, and I think that is reflected in my music and work." (Source)

Of course her fans "accept" it. The army of tweentards that worship at the altar of Miley Cyrus are probably too busy fantasizing about their own relationships with 20-something boyfriends to even bother learning the definition of "statutory rape." At any rate, when your 14-year-old daughter brings home the 21-year-old high school dropout who works night shift over at the Sunoco, I think you know where you can send your gift basket to.

Malnourished: (Adjective) Suffering from malnutrition.

The usually voluptuous Scarlett Johansson ruined everybody's day when she showed up at Moet & Chandon's "Tribute to Film" in London last night looking like she had given up on solid food entirely.

"She was talking to Thandie Newton about the rigid diet she's on," our spy said of the star of the upcoming "Iron Man 2." Joseph Fiennes, Eva Herzigova and Marc Newson were all there and ogling Johansson, who "was really working it," according to our snitch. (Source)

Well I hope she has fun working it now, because you know what the first thing that goes after a rapid weigh loss like that is? That's right: the bosoms. And a Scarlett Johansson without bosoms like like a world without rainbows. Or a mug without a handle. Or a car without wheels. Or some other analogy which makes a mediocre actress seem of value.

Mess: (Noun) A person whose life or affairs are confused or troubled.

In the latest chapter of The Never-ending Downward Spiral That is Lindsay Lohan; Lindsay Lohan and her assistant got into a fender bender, damaging the $100,000 Maserati that she recently bought with Samantha Ronson's money.

The accident took place on Monday in Glendale, CA and Lohan seemed to be trying to keep calm, as she carried a can of Coke (product placement work for a cash-strapped actress?) and some papers with her.

Police were not called to the scene of the accident. Lohan is currently completing community service for her 2007 DUI incident in which an arrest warrant was recently issued for non-compliance but later dismissed. (Source)

Lindsay Lohan suspiciously seen holding a brand-name product, conveniently at eye-level, only moments after wrecking a $100,000 sports car? Yeah, I can say to a near certainty that she's getting paid for this. By whom, is the real question. Let's just say if Chris Brown is caught holding a bottle of Pepsi next time he smacks a bitch up, it's probably not a coincidence.

Misunderstanding: (Noun) A failure to understand something correctly.

Hey guys! So sorry about last week. I thought I might have time to blog between copious amounts of burritos and margaritas, but it just didn't happen. At any rate, it seems like I missed the latest incident of a Disney star doing something pants-shittingly racist. On the heels of Miley Cyrus' "goofy face" making incident, a photo of Joe Jonas has surfaced also making what appears to be "chinky eyes." I don't know, though. It seems like this time it might actually be kind of a stretch. I make that face sometimes too, but I like to call it "3am After a Night of Drinking at Smoke-Filled Bars and My Contact Lenses are Dried to My Damn Eyeballs." On the other hand, I still think this photo is proof of something, but it has more to do with the fact that he's wearing a zebra print shirt with the sleeves cut off. I'm pretty sure I actually saw that in the Delia's catalog one time. Delia's: continuing the proud tradition of outfitting teen girls and sexually confused teen boys, since 19-something-something.

Mistake: (Noun) An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler, who went through a very public divorce in 2006 that was mostly public due to the fact that they constantly talk shit about each other on their myspace blogs, are getting remarried. Yay?

Former beauty queen Moakler tells Us Weekly magazine, "We would like to renew our vows and have another wedding. It's not so much about the wedding but about having a celebration of each other and getting through all the crazy things we've been through. When you almost lose a loved one, it makes you appreciate things you took for granted." (Source)

This is pretty much the worst idea ever. This is such a bad idea that I think back to the time when I was 5-years-old and I touched the burner on the stove just to see what it felt like and it makes it seem like a good idea. At least know I know. It was hot. I don't need for Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler to get back together to know that I'll be quoting insults off their Twitter accounts months from now.

Maniac: (Noun) A person exhibiting extreme symptoms of wild behavior, esp. when violent and dangerous.

Amy Winehouse, who has been "resting" in St. Lucia for the past few months, finally got on a plane headed for London this weekend, presumably to deal with her impending divorce from her estranged husband Blake. And I know you're all going to be just absolutely shocked by what happened next -- but, spoiler alert! -- Amy wreaked unholy havoc upon her fellow passengers.

Our source in the Club World section of BA2152 said the relative quiet on-board was shattered when Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles.

The source said: 'I was pretty shocked to look up and see Amy Winehouse hurtling through the plane and shouting. It’s just not what you expect.'

The source continued: 'She had clearly been drinking and kept running between the different classes, which just isn’t what people do on planes. (Source)

Not what you'd expect? Running around and shouting incoherently is pretty much the only thing I expect from Amy Winehouse. She doesn't live her life by the credo "What Would Tasmanian Devil Do?" for nothing, you know.

More of Wino at the airport, reunited with her beehive 'o crazy:

Mind-Blowingly Sexy: (Adjective) Overwhelmingly sexy to the point of brain explosions.

Oh... My... God... Are you ready for this? The Jonas Brothers? Go shirtless in their new movie Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, hitting theaters today.

"That's an interesting question," Joe told MTV News. "It was actually just everyone's collaboration. We wanted to film everything backstage, and that just happened to be our quick-change room and they caught us. It was really funny."

Added Nick, "The thing is, we were in the midst of the show, so we were just continuing like a show. So when we went backstage, we didn't realize they were there and we were changing ... we went, 'Oh my gosh! Wow! We might want to get them out of here.' So it was in the moment." (Source)

Can you even imagine? There's literally going to be theaters full of screaming tweeners having their first sexual experiences all at the same time, like a bomb of repressed horniness going off. I just feel bad for the guardians and chaperones getting dragged to this thing. You're likely to get less messy at a "Gallagher" performance.

More of The Brothers of Jonas at the premiere of The 3D Concert Experience:

Mitigating Circumstances: (Noun) Something that lessens the gravity of an offense or mistake.

Chris Brown's cousin Phylicia Thompson has spoken out about her cousin's assault on Rihanna, and yeahhhh... She's not helping.

"It had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it (sic). He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun. Yes, he's done something wrong, because he put his hands on her (Rihanna), but you don't know what happened. He had to be provoked to do it. Everybody loved Chris... This comes as a surprise to me." (Source)

Hell, just so long as he didn't do it for fun. Maybe back in the olden days it was socially acceptable to head on over to the park for a picnic, toss the frisbee around and put a choke on your bitch -- but those days have long since passed, my friends.

Mint Condition: (Adjective) Of an object in pristine condition; as new.

Katy Perry, who was nominated for a Grammy for her piece of shit song "I Kissed A Girl," is saying that she's taking a "vow of celibacy" after her recent break-up with Travis McCoy.

"I've actually taken a vow of celibacy this year," she tells the new issue of TV Guide. "No kissing anyone. Just my cat, Kitty Purry." (Source)

No kissing anyone? Well, it's not like we didn't all know Miss Bisexuality USA wasn't kissing any goddamn girls in the first place, so I guess at least now she's got an excuse. But on an unrelated note, she named her cat Kitty Purry? Was that on purpose? Like we're supposed to believe this bitch writes her own songs when she can't even come up with a decently creative name for her cat.

More of Kitty Purry at the Critic's Choice Awards:

Mental Patient: (Noun) A personal who has clearly escaped from the psychiatric ward.

"Oooh, look at me! I'm Chloe Sevigny and I'm so high fashion-dippy that I show up at things wearing a dress that looks like it was cut apart from a hospital gown with a slit that goes up past where my vagina should be. Also, my name is really hard to spell and pronounce."

More from the Season 3 premiere of "Big Love." I have a feeling Nicky would not approve:

Malnourished: (Adjective) Suffering from malnutrition.

Now that she doesn't have the obligation of providing nourishment to anything growing in her womb, it seems like Angelina Jolie is back on a healthy diet of consuming no actual solid food. And I guess she thought she could mask this by showing up at the Critic's Choice awards draped in whatever you call this boring ass thing she's wearing. Remember back in the good old days when Angelina Jolie used to actually eat and didn't look like corpse with fish lips? Then again, now that I think back to the "good old days" maybe they weren't so good after all, what with Bush's ass still firmly planted in the White House and gas costing well over $3 per gallon. But at least my homoerotic Angelina Jolie fantasies weren't suffering, anyway -- and isn't that what's really important? 

Made-Up: (Adjective) Invented; not true.

Amy Winehouse's ex-lover/assistant, Alex Haines, gave a tell-all interview in which he details his time spent with Amy during her darkest times following the incarceration of her husband Blake. Among the shocking revelations? Amy was a bulimic sex addict who cut herself, smoked crack for breakfast and was a violent drunk. No wait, we're talking about the same Amy Winehouse here, right?

“It was like having my own little porn star. Amy was so dirty—she wanted sex all the time. We did it four or five times a day and she’d even wake me up for it. She was addicted to sex like she was to drugs.”

“At one party Amy wanted to prove she was used to cocaine. So she did a line that was 20 CENTIMETRES LONG to show she was a big user. “For such a small girl she had amazing drugs tolerance. It was scary what she could do.”

“Amy suffered from bulimia, which is why she looked so thin. She would have a massive McDonalds and then throw it all up in the bathroom. I found my toothbrush covered in sick, and asked her about it. (Source)

I have no idea if this guy is actually telling the truth or not. I could make up a bunch of crazy horseshit about Amy Winehouse, too. Like that she sprinkled crack rocks on her Wheetabix in the morning because she liked the added crunch. See? That could totally be true. Then again, the guy did admit to having sex with Amy Winehouse, who pretty much looked like a hobgoblin during the time in question. That's like using "diarrhea" as your excuse for calling out sick to work. It's just horrifying enough that you probably wouldn't make it up if it weren't actually true.

More of Amy on holiday in the Caribbean looking healthier but posing creepily: (Photo credit: News of the World.)

Mussy: (Adjective) Of someone's hair or clothes being untidy or messy.

Whenever I see Shannen Doherty -- or pictures of Shannen Doherty, anyway, since it's not like I just run into her at the Rite Aid or what have you  -- she always looks like she just crawled out of bed. After a six month long hibernation. Really, Shan, what happened here? Please explain this to me. I guess if you want to see the glass half full, the hair does kind of distract from the face. Which, thanks to the modern wonders of cosmetic surgery looks like it was dipped in the stuff Mr. Wizard used to dip apples in before smashing them like glass with a hammer.

Oh, and don't miss the back of the dress, either: (Klassy!)

Miss: (Noun) A failure to hit, catch, or reach something.

Here is Zooey Deschanel ("the Rich Man's Katy Perry") at the premiere of her new film Yes Man. And you know I love me some Zooey, but just because she's one of my all-time girl crushes doesn't mean I can ignore the all sorts of wrong going on with these pictures. First of all, she looks like someone shot her in the face with Homer Simpson's make-up gun; secondly, she's wearing an ugly, blah dress that fits her like a potato sack and thirdly she's got what appears to be Christmas tree garland in her hair. And fourthy, she's at the premiere of a fucking Jim Carrey movie that she herself stars in. Really?!? Just so you know, there's no shame whatsoever in falling back on your music career.*

*Editor's note: excludes Jared Leto, Paris Hilton, Keanu Reeves, Scarlett Johansson and pretty much any other actor or actress who has tried their hand at music.