Lapse: (Noun) A weak or careless decline from previously high standards.

It sounds like K-Fed is up to his same old tricks again. While dining at a T.G.I. Friday's recently, (hee!) he ditched his girlfriend Victoria Price to go outside to smoke and flirt with girls.

"He left the table to go chain-smoke outside," a fellow diner reports. "He was outside for, like, 20 minutes." Looked like Ms. Prince may not have been too thrilled about Federline's disappearance.

Says the source, "He was talking to some other girls outside, and when he finally came back to the table, his girlfriend looked angry and they started to argue." (Source)

I feel bad for Victoria. If only there had been some warning or sign that her boyfriend, Kevin Federline, would turn out to be a selfish, philandering piece of crap. Say, if she had turned on "E! News" or "Access Hollywood," or opened up an issue of People magazine, Us Weekly, or Star at some point during the entire duration of his marriage to Britney Spears. But other than that, there was pretty much no way of seeing this coming.

More of K-Fat at his birthday celebration:

Lead Foot: (Noun) A person with a tendency to drive fast.

Has anyone ever seen that show on truTV called "Speeders?" A camera crew films peoples' reactions after they've been pulled over for speeding, and makes fun of them through use of sound effects and graphics. It's basically like a cross between "COPS" and "Blind Date." Anyway, during a recent filming, "Speeders" totally caught Jodie Foster! Score! Jodie, on the other hand, was less than enthused.

Our source relates that, "Foster refused to sign a waiver to appear on the show, so the camera crew ceased filming and returned to the police car. But she grew quite agitated and angry, and kept insisting to the police officers that the radar gun must have made a mistake. She maintained to the officers that she was only going 30 mph at the time they pulled her over, and she kept interrupting and complaining that the process was taking too long."

During Foster's histrionics, the officer made a call to get his supervisor to the scene, "which just further annoyed her," according to our spy. "Despite her numerous requests otherwise, the cops still issued her a citation." (Source)

Jodie Foster is a two-time Academy Award winning actress. She's never really done anything to warrant ridicule, and I kind of don't really want to start now. This would be so much easier if Paris Hilton was the one who got pulled over. Of course, Paris would have not only signed the waiver, but probably posed for the camera while giving her best "sex face" and later offered to blow the camera man for more screen time.

Speedy Gonzalez at the 61st annual DGA Awards last month:

Ladies' Man: (Noun) A man who enjoys spending time and flirting with women.

Without further ado:

Joe Jonas is the biggest flirt of the Jonas Brothers, Kevin Jonas revealed on the CBS' The Early Show Tuesday. "He's a ladies' man," Kevin said while promoting the Bros' new 3D concert flick, out Feb. 27. "Girls love him!" (Source)

In other news, teenage girls continue to have doomed crushed on gay boys. It is now predicted, thanks to The Jonas Brothers' influence, that by the year 2014 approximately 37% of girls will have a gay prom date to the Senior Prom. You can't argue with statistics, folks.

The Jonas Brothers at The Early Show: (Editor's note: My boyfriend's cousin is in the crowd immediately behind The Jonas Brothers. I am not making that up. And no, I'm not telling you which one she is.)

Loophole: (Noun) An ambiguity or inadequacy in the law or a set of rules.

I knew those Jonas Brothers were a bunch of fucking liars. Apparently their whole "promise ring" bullshit is open to interpretation. I guess they just don't make promise rings like they used to.

When asked if he really meant that he and his brothers would be saving themselves for marriage, youngest brother Nick clarifies, "No. That was a personal statement made under personal circumstances...but we wear these rings and they're a constant reminder to us about living a life with values." (Source)

So what I think Nick here is trying to say is that they're still not having vaginal intercourse -- but are totally down with the butt sex. Well, I can think of at least one Jonas brother who is probably A-OK with that arrangement, anyway. (Pssst... The one on the right.)

The Jonas Turds arriving at "Letterman" yesterday:

Lunatic: (Noun) A mentally ill person.

I don't usually cover Lindsay Lohan's family drama because her dad is fucking insane, but it's a slow news day so what the heck. In this latest chapter, Michael Lohan has once again taken to his blog to tell the world how evil Samantha Ronson is.

“I am asking everyone out their [sic] to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SamMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life. Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.” (Source)

What "gifts" is he talking about? Her vagina? In all seriousness though, there's self-righteousness and then there's self-righteousness that makes you go out and kill a bunch of homeless people because God spoke to you through the teapot and told you to. I'll give you one guess which kind this is. All I'm saying is it wouldn't be a bad idea for Samantha Ronson to carry a high-voltage taser on her at all times.

Lindsay with sister Ali shopping last week:

Lies: (Noun) Intentionally false statements.

Oooh, I've got a good one. Are you ready for this? Really for real? Ok, here we go: Paris Hilton has only banged a "couple of people." True story. Hahahaha.

"I've only done it (had sex) with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you." (Source)

That's kind of a shame, because a wise woman once said, "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers." No wait, that was Paris Hilton who said that, and she said it in The Hottie and the Nottie. Well either way I think she's wasting her precious gift by keeping it all to herself, because no one respects Paris Hilton anyway. She could literally join a convent and the other nuns would mutter "whore" under their breath.

More of Chastity McPrude at "The Bongo Virus" NYE party with sister Nicky:

Last Resort: (Noun) An expedient adopted only in desperation.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson debuted their baby, the asininely named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, on Pete Wentz's web site Friends or Enemies on Christmas day; after Pete had previously denied rumors that they were shopping around baby photos.

Wentz blogged earlier this month that "like every celeb couple, we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags, from here to Guam, to pimp out the baby. We just don't want to go down that road with him.

"We are not placing judgment on those that do, as they often use the money in a very charitable way," he said. "However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx's baby pictures right now." (Source)

That's mighty big coming from the same guy whose private, intimate wedding photos popped up on the cover of People less than four days after the nuptials. So in other words, nobody wanted pictures of that stupid baby. Not even Pussy Emo Babies Quarterly.

Lying A-Holes: (Noun) Deceptive, lying despicable people who are full of lies.

Oh, so remember that time that Heidi and Spencer got fake married down in Mexico? Well, in a tease that aired on MTV Monday for "The Hills" season finale, Heidi and Spencer are seen making it legal in a California courthouse. Except, guess what? It didn't really happen again. I know. Shocking.

A Los Angeles Superior Court official said Tuesday that MTV was recently granted permission to shoot in a courtroom in Beverly Hills, but it was done after hours — and that's not one of their judges sitting on the bench in "The Hills" footage.

A check of marriage records last week did not reveal any filings by Pratt or Montag in Los Angeles County, although the couple could get married in any county in California as well as opt for a confidential license. Officials at two courthouses in neighboring Orange County said they have not received requests from MTV to film in their facilities.

"In my mind, it's as legal as the ring on my finger," Pratt told Us Weekly. (Source)

It's as legal as the ring on his finger? I don't even know where to begin with that, so I'm just going to say that that may be the dumbest thing ever said by anyone, anywhere. But anyway, at this point, what's the big deal? Get fucking married already. There are worse things than getting married to some beardey-faced loser for publicity purposes, after all. Like getting married to some Mexican who promises to give you a percentage of his income in exchange for citizenship, and then he disappears off the face of the Earth and you're stuck with the last name "Sanchez" for the rest of your damn life. Or, so I've heard.

Dumb and Dumber take to the slopes and ruin skiing for everyone:

Liar: (Noun) A person who tells lies.

Somebody asked Pete Wentz which of Ashlee Simpson's features was his favorite, and somehow he managed to form an answer other than: "You know, her girl parts."

"I would start with the breasts," the new dad (son Bronx Mowgli was born three weeks ago) tells E!'s Daily 10.

"Ashlee is the kind of person that understands me in a way that other human beings don't understand each other," he says. "I would say that we fit together kind of like Lego pieces, and that's how we're able to communicate." (Source)

What??? They fit together like Lego pieces?! Now, I know he wasn't specifically talking about sex, but still -- I have never been more confident that Pete Wentz has never seen a naked girl in his entire life.

Pete looking super-duper gay with Travis McCoy at their dumb thing the other night:

Lying A-Holes: (Noun) Deceptive, lying despicable people who are full of lies.

Remember Heidi and Spencer's super secret, spontaneous wedding which was so super secret and spontaneous that it shocked friends and family? Well, it may not have actually been so super secret and spontaneous after all, because an informed source of mine (whose mom is a travel agent) said that getting married in Cabo requires a good deal of red tape which can take up to four days to complete. Here is part of the list of requirements:

•  Current passport as proof of ID and marital status.
•  Certified copy of both party's birth certificates.
•  Tourist card (received upon arrival in Mexico) or visa.
•  Names, addresses, nationalities, occupations and ages of both parents.
•  Health certificate and blood test (hotels will help set up the tests, which must be done in Mexico).
•  Four witnesses (these can be provided by a wedding planner or the hotel locally for an extra fee). Will also need to provide their names, addresses, occupations, ages and photo ID.

So what does this prove? Nothing, really. But since I am fairly sure, at the very least, Heidi couldn't provide the ages of her parents since she can't count past ten -- it does strongly allude to the fact that this alleged super secret, spontaneous wedding was either meticulously planned out for publicity like everything else in their stupid, worthless, godforsaken lives; or that they totally scammed Us Weekly so Spencer cold buy a toilet made of solid gold or something. And I'm really, really hoping it's the second one, and that solid gold toilets aren't refundable after you already poop in them.

Older photos of ol' Dead Behind the Eyes and Gorton's Fisherman Beard eating tacos like they mean it:

Liberation: (Verb) Set someone free from a situation, esp. imprisonment or slavery, in which their liberty is severely restricted.

Nicole Kidman better watch what she says, or else the Scientology patrol is going to hunt her down and break that girly husband of hers knees or something. In a recent interview Nicole tells how being married to Tom Cruise held her back. No shit!

Kidman, who is now married to country star Keith Urban, tells the December issue of Glamour magazine, "I felt I became a star only by association. I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and be seen and not heard." (Source)

Bitter much, Nicole? I guess it must be really hard for her, what with seeing how being married to Tom Cruise has only helped Katie Holmes' career. I mean, before Tom, she was like starring some in stupid Batman movie or something, and now she headlines films with Queen Latifah. That's the Queen Latifah. A-List, bitches. Plus she gets her picture taken like all the time and we all talk about what jeans she's wearing. You can't buy that kind of publicity.

Scientology's version of Anne Frank sneaking away in the night:

Lazy: (Adjective) Showing a lack of effort or care.

True story. Last night I went over to my parents house to get my prom dress (still fits, bitches!) for a last-minute Halloween costume idea. It was up in the attic, so my mom went up to find it, and helpfully came down with not just the dress but several other "costume" ideas including a graduation cape -- sans mortarboard -- and goes, "You could be a graduation person! There's no hat, though." So I was like, "Awesome idea, mom!"

But I guess my mom isn't the only one with totally crappy Halloween costume ideas -- right, Lance Bass? At least he has the hat, though.

More of Lance and other assorted D-Listers at Kim Kardashian's Halloween party:

Legal: (Adjective) Being the age of consent permitted by law.

Zac "Perfectly Groomed Eyebrows" Efron celebrated his 21st birthday this weekend at L.A.'s Pace restaurant, in the most debauchery-free gathering which included alleged girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Amanda Bynes and Aly and AJ Michalka.

Efron kept it causal in a T-shirt and jacket while Hudgens, 19, who "helped plan the party," a source says, donned a colorful mini-dress. Guests arrived with wrapped gifts, including bottles of liquor for the actor, who can now legally drink alcohol. (Source)

You know what else Zac Efron can legally do now? Butt sex. Of course, he could technically do that before the age of 21... (Now, in all U.S. states!) But, you know, whatever he needs to hear to rationalize it in his head is just fine.

At a photo call for HSM, looking as comfortable and natural standing next to his "girlfriend" as a freshly-neutered cat:

Low Blow: (Noun) An illegal blow that strikes below an opponent's waist.

Oh hells to the yes! The gloves in the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce are officially off! Or, they were off like a month ago, anyway, when Guy totally burned Madonna's fruity religion.

"I don't really understand kabbalah as a religion," Ritchie told Extra at the Toronto International Film Festival last month. Ritchie continued: "I don't think it's a religion as far as I'm aware." (Source)

I don't know what's not to understand about a religion that requires you to drink $10 bottles of water and wear red string around your wrist to ward off the "evil eye." No wonder they're getting divorced. He may as well just tell the press that he doesn't "understand" what that giant bulge in Madonna's underpants is.

Guy Ritchie and Robert Downey Jr. at the "Sherlock Holmes" press concert because no one wants to look at Madonna and her schlong:

Liability: (Noun) The state of being responsible for something.

Former "American Idol" contestant Nikki McKibbin has come forward to accuse Simon Cowell of furthering her depression and substance abuse due to the excessive cruelty she suffered at his hand while competing on the show.

"I came out of Idol with a lack of self-confidence," McKibbin tells the new issue of Us Weekly. "I think I had my first solo in school when I was 5, and I got more as I got older: That's the biggest compliment in choir. I had never been told I wasn't good enough. Having to hear it for so many weeks from Simon Cowell killed me inside. I couldn't get the s--t he had said to me out of my head."

She continued: "It drove me deeper into my depression. I wouldn't say that this was Simon's fault. It just added to the addict that I already was." (Source)

Simon Cowell was not available for comment, but if we was I imagine he would have said that Nikki's whining reminded him of a mangy dog, and then accused her of gaining weight since she sobered up.