Juvenile: (Adjective) Childish; immature.

Bruce Willis and his 24-years-younger model girlfriend, Emma Heming were wed in Parrot Bay this weekend, to the attendance of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. While in town for the wedding, Ashton Kutcher took the opportunity to twitter about Bruce Willis' previous wife wearing a bikini and then took a picture of her ass in it.

watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

God, it's like the guy has never seen a woman in a bikini before. Or his wife's ass. Or his wife's ass in a bikini. Or a toasted sub from Quizno's. Yeah, on that last one, let's hope he never finds out or we'll never hear the end about how cheesy, delicious and toasted to perfection it was.

Mrs. Kutcher look fine in yellow at the Miami International Film Festival:

Justice: (Noun) the administration of the law or authority in maintaining just behavior.

Chris Brown is expected in court today to face the charges of beating the holy hell out of his girlfriend who warmly accepted him back only weeks later. According to People, there are several different scenarios in which this could play out today:

• The DA could charge him with any number of felonies, among them, domestic violence and making criminal threats, each carrying a maximum three years in state prison. They could also file a combination of felonies and misdemeanors.

• If charged with a felony, Brown will be required to personally show in court and could enter a plea.

• If the DA doesn't file a case against him Thursday, Brown will not be required to show, and would be notified to return to court at a later date.

• The DA could decline to file formal charges, and refer the case to the City Attorney's office for misdemeanor review, which could take days or weeks.

Of course, another possible scenario is that on his way to the courthouse, he could be struck by lightning while simultaneously getting hit by a speeding bus, all the while a brain tumor ruptures in his head. How 'bout it, God?

Jackpot: (Noun) A large cash prize in a game or lottery.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson, both 18, welcomed their son this weekend, the 7 lb., 7 oz. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston; and already reports are coming in that the two could earn up to $300 grand for exclusive photos of the little bastard.

According to one source, bidding for the baby photos began at $100,000. People won out in the end, but In Touch was the only other weekly to make serious bids, according to several sources involved in the process.

“The bidding started well before the baby was born, but once Levi’s mom was arrested — well, then you had a story,” says one editor. (Source)

Well, on the upside, that money could be used to start a nice college fund... For Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. Hahahaha. Oh, I kid; I kid. Like those two would ever actually go to college.

Jackpot: (Noun) A large prize in a game or lottery.

Great news for all middle-aged, male Harry Potter fans who live in their parents basements! Emma Watson isn't opposed to doing nudity! WOOO!

“Yes,” she says, when asked the nudity question by Britains's Sunday Times. “For Bernardo Bertolucci. It... depends. I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job.” (Source)

There you have it. With Harry Potter waving his wiener around like it's going out of style and Hermione pretty much making a verbal commitment, all we need is Ron Weasley to complete the naked Harry Potter trifecta. If anyone would be into that sort of thing, anyway. But hell, if there's people in the world who get off to freaky shit like corpses and animals, I'm sure somebody would want to see a gay ginger wizard naked.

More of Hermione flirting with a midget in a mouse costume at the The Tale Of Despereaux premiere:

Jinx: (Noun) A person or thing that brings bad luck.

Jessica Simpson's hair stylist/BFF Ken Paves was injured this weekend after getting smacked in the face with a camera as Jessica's "entourage" was leaving an L.A. restaurant.

As the friends exited the restaurant, photographers swarmed the singer, 28. Paves stepped in to protect Simpson when a pap struck him in the face with a camera.

With blood running down his face, the two got into their vehicle, and Paves was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center according to a source. No police charges have been filed. (Source)

See? It's true. Jessica Simpson is bad luck. Whether you're a gay hairdresser, an NFL team, a movie, or a former boybander's televised marriage; it's pretty much a science that you're going to get literally or metaphorically punched in the face if you associate yourself with Jessica Simpson.

Joe Six Pack: (Noun) An "average" or everyday middle class person.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt took a little beer, shotgun, economic literature and Sarah Palin T-shirt constitutional out in the Hollywood Hills yesterday. And really, while it's very thoughtful of them to help out with the cause -- I think McCain and Palin are already doing a fine job of pissing all over their credibility and derailing their campaign themselves. Thanks for the support though, guys!

Editor's note: Spencer sucks on that beer about as convincingly as I imagine Heidi does his pecker. Nice!

Jealous: (Adjective) Feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements.

Like me, I'm sure you've all been wondering how reality star Tiffany "New York" Pollard took the news of her former "I Love New York 2" manskank Punk (a.k.a. David Otunga) getting engaged to former "American Idol" contestant Jennifer Hudson. The answer is with class and aplomb, naturally. Ohhh, just kidding, like a psycho bitchface as usual.

“He’s really loving being Mr. Jennifer Hudson. I think he’s loving the lavish things she brings to his life, he’s seeing the world due to Jennifer’s success,” Tiffany tells In Touch.

New York’s not optimistic about the couple’s future. “It’s a mixed match, it won’t work,” she says. “He’ll be in her shadow like Al Reynolds was to Star Jones, like Stedman Graham is to Oprah.” (Source)

Honestly, I think she's reading way too much into this. It sounds like this guy was going to catch himself a former reality TV star if he had to tie himself up naked and get trolled through the Los Angeles County Unemployment Office.

Because New York is kind of creepy, J-Hud at the premiere of The Secret Life Of Bees:

Jerk: (Noun) A contemptibly obnoxious person.

Big tween news! Taylor Swift and the Gay Jonas Brother are totally broken up! Ever the gentleman, Joe kept Taylor's feelings in mind and did it in the most sensitive way possible.

A source tells Us the two - who dated for several months - split in early October. He broke up with her over the phone. Says the insider: "He broke her heart." (Source)

I don't get how she could really be all that surprised. I mean, Exhibit A: Just look at him. Exhibit B: No seriously, look at him. Gay boyfriends will eventually dump you. It's just one of those unfortunate facts of life. Just like you can bring home a subway rat and call it a chihuahua, but one day you're going to wake up with Listeria.

More of Broken Gaydar Mallone and Selena Gomez at the Another Cinderella Story premiere:

Jesus Christ: (Exclamation) Taking the name of the central figure of the Christian religion in vain to express disgust or surprise.

So, I guess this means the transformation is nearly complete, eh? I guess the only thing left to do from here is saw off Katie's feet at the ankles and have them reattached mid-shin.

Jealousy: (Noun) The state or feeling of being jealous.

Mexican actor and total effing babe Gael García Bernal has revealed that he's expecting his first child with actress Dolores Fonzi.

"This statement is to say that, after so much speculation and comments, the actors ... are indeed expecting a baby at the start of next year," Garcia Bernal's production company, Canana Films, said in a statement. (Source)

So yeah, I guess there's nothing especially noteworthy about this story other than the obvious; which is somebody besides me is getting to have sex with Gael García Bernal. And therefore, life is still unfair.

More headshots from the Toronto International Film Festival last year, with just the right amount of beard:

Jealousy Card (Noun) A cool little trick whereby you fill your vagina with multiple penises in order to win back the favor of your favorite penis.

Alanis Morissette, who would totally be my girl crush if I were gay (do the math on that one, haters) admitted this week that she used the old-fashioned method for getting over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds: She fucked everything that walked upright, including an old grandfather clock (it was dark, and she forgot her glasses);

"All my life I've been in long-term monogamous relationships. I had to break that pattern by not allowing myself to have a relationship for a year, stopping myself from committing to men. I haven't been celibate. I've had lots of dates and lots of sex, but I haven't been pushing to turn a date into a relationship. This has been a huge thing for me."

You see what she's doing here, don't you? She's playing the jealousy card. She knows if Ryan reads about her having "lots of sex," that he won't be able to stand it. That he can feel it when she's scratching her nails down another man's back. That he can't stomach the thought of her being with another man. With other men. With a Canadian football team of wild stallions. That the thought of her replacing him would be too much to bear and he'd have no choice but to dump ScarJo and return to the warm, loving embrace of Alanis (now with 30 pounds more warmth!).

Oh, a guy can dream, can't he?

Jewfro (Noun) The coolest hairdo in the world, an orgasm-inducing hairstyle worn by people of Jewish descent. It consists of curly hair and is often large.

Jerky: (Noun) Meat that has been cut into strips, trimmed of fat, marinated in a spicy, salty or sweet liquid, and then dried with low heat or occasionally salted and sun-dried.

Amy Winehouse has had a tanning bed installed in her home to help clear her skin of crack scabs, and The Sun is reporting that she now spends an unsafe hour or more per day using it -- far exceeding the recommended 15-20 minutes per every 48 hours.

One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. The pal added: “Over the years Amy has been addicted to alcohol, all sorts of drugs, men and even knitting. “This is another addiction that puts her health in danger.

Come on now! Slabs of lean meat, marinated in whiskey, smoked and slow cooked under indirect heat? I don't know know about the UK, but some parts of the world tend to consider that a delicacy. I heard Pemmican is already working on a new, limited edition "Blimey, Winehouse!" flavor.

Amy looking more delicious tan than usual backstage at the concert for Nelson Mandela:

Join Forces: (Phrase) One or more parties combining efforts towards a common goal.

Oh, goody.

If you think about it, it'd make sense that the two biggest douche bags in the entertainment industry would actually be rivals. There's the obvious competition of seeing who can court the most media attention with retarded antics and who can feign more smug incredulousness when they actually receive said attention. But seeing them in cahoots like this? It just ain't right. I can only imagine the grand scale douchbaggery they've got up their sleeves. That would be the metaphorical sleeves, by the way -- not the My Little Ponies and butterflies they've got indelibly inked up and down their arms.

Jolt: (Noun) A surprise or shock of an unpleasant kind and often manifested physically.

Kelsey Grammer is said to be in good condition after being rushed to a Hawaiian hospital after suffering a mild heart attack this past weekend. According to a statement released by his rep, Grammer is "resting comfortably" and is expected to be released early this week.

In totally unrelated news, to anyone out there who thinks it might be funny to secretly replace somebody's Château Pétrus with Arbor Mist, let's just say: not funny. Not at all.