Horrifying: (Adjective) Filled with horror and shock.

Three words: Spencer. Pratt. Rapping. If you thought Heidi Montag's "music" was bad, wait 'til you hear the wonder known as "The Great White." Because, oh yeah, he has a stage name too. The song called "I'm a Celebrity," which premiered on Ryan Seacrest's show this morning, (listen to it here) is inspired by NBC's upcoming "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" although I doubt very much it is officially affiliated with the show in any way, shape or form. Basically, he "raps" mostly about twittering, swag, and how generally awesome his life is. You know, traditional rapping issues. On a completely unrelated note, congratulations to Bud Bundy and David Silver. You are now no longer the most embarrassing white people ever to happen to rap music.

More of the Great White Turd exploiting his grandmother for a Mother's Day photo op:

Healthy: (Adjective) Indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health.

Lindsay Lohan was seen out shopping with her sister yesterday discreetly dressed in a halter dress with no bra on, and judging from these photos I think it's safe to say she's back on her all cocaine and semen diet. Which is kind of a coincidence because I, myself, am back on my diet pills and leftover Easter candy diet. You know, trying to slim down in time for summer and all. I gotta hand it to her though, sperm may not taste as delicious as those miniature, candy-coated Whopper eggs, but what it lacks in flavor it more than make up for in nutrients. If only I had her dedication.

Homophobe: (Noun) Someone with a an extreme and irrational aversion to homosexuals.

Hey, so still wondering how Prop 8 managed to get passed in a state as liberal as California? Well here's your answer. At the Miss USA Pageant this weekend, Miss California was asked a question about gay marriage and naturally answered in a way that brought shame to her entire state. Good job!

At the Las Vegas pageant, Prejean, 21, was asked by judge Perez Hilton how she felt about legalizing gay marriage. "In my country, and in my family, I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," she replied. She later lost out to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton.

"It did cost me my crown," Prejean said of her response on Monday's Billy Bush Show. "I wouldn't have had it any other way. I said what I feel. I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that's all I can do." (Source)

Wait, Perez Hilton is judging the Miss USA Pageant now? Whatever. Anyway, that's a little presumptuous of her to think she got cockblocked from the title just because of her stupid opinion. Did it ever occur to her that maybe she just wasn't pretty enough? Yeah, yeah, I'm kidding. Mostly. Seriously though, this is probably the biggest Miss USA gaffe since Miss Oklahoma '62 said that she thought the Holocaust was a lie.

More of Miss I Heart Prop 8, Perez Hilton and the clearly more attractive winner, Kristen Dalton:

Heartbreaker: (Noun) A person who is very attractive but who is irresponsible in emotional relationships.

Despite bringing him as her date and clamping onto him with the vice grip of death for the New York premiere and after party of Grey Gardens, Drew Barrymore told Ellen yesterday that she and MacGuy McMackerson are just "good friends" and that she "loves" being single.

"We're doing a film this summer," she says. "I guess people find it a little confusing. I totally understand. It seems like, 'What is the deal with them?' But we just adore each other. We're in each other's lives, and we're friends, and we're working together, and we have worked together."

Would she be jealous if he began dating someone else? Nah. She wants him to meet "fantastic people because he's a great guy, and he deserves the most happiness," says said. (Source)

I would like to know. Exactly just how fucking retarded is Drew Barrymore? No dude follows his ex-girlfriend around like a puppydog because he buys into that whole "We Used to Go Out but Now We're the Very Best Friends in the Whole World" bullshit. She can wish him happiness all she wants, but he's going to have a tough time finding it while curled into the fetal position, clutching a couch cushion and blubbering while watching the "Ellen" show.

Drew at the Los Angeles premiere of Grey Gardens last night. Can I just say how much I love her dress? LOVE.

Homewrecker: (Noun) Someone who breaks up the marriage of a couple by having an extramarital affair.

Hey everyone, meet Mel Gibson's whore! Did you honestly think a high-profile, crispidy, crunchedy Hollywood divorce wouldn't have a creamy, salacious filling? Anyway, the lucky lady is a 24-year-old (natch) Russian pop singer named Oksana Pochepa.

Smitten Oksana, who first hit the Russian charts aged 13, said yesterday: “This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting.

“We are different people, but Mel is a grown man and knows precisely what he wants and me too — I know what I want.”

The singer, who is also a model, claimed to have visited Mel on the set of a movie in Boston last summer. But she added the two were not yet ready to go public with details of their love. She said: “I would not like to say more right now.” (Source)

Aww, I'm kind of disappointed Sugar Tits decided to stop there. Mel Gibson is supposedly worth in the area of $900 million, and going by what she's divulged so far, I'd put him left with a broken toaster oven and a couple packs of Lance's "Captain's Wafers" on his end of the divorce settlement. Maybe next time she can shoot for getting those crackers taken away, too.

Homicidal: (Adjective) Of, relating to, or tending toward murder.

Here's the shocker of the century: Hulk Hogan empathizes with OJ Simpson. Yeah, you know the OJ Simpson who bloodily hacked apart his wife and male friend? The Hulk gets that guy.

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it." (Source)

For once I'm in complete agreement with Hulk Hogan. You should do it, man. Totally. Totes Magotes. And I can think of the perfect guy to drive the getaway Bronco, too. (Cue stock footage of car hurling down rocky cliff and bursting into flames.)

More of Knifey McKniferson being creepy with his daughter and girlfriend who looks just like his daughter:

Hero: (Noun) A person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

I know this isn't exactly timely news, but a reader sent me this clip of this Scottish chick named Sharleen Spiteri, who I think is some kind of singer or something, on Graham Norton's show last summer. I had never heard of Sharleen before this, but after watching this clip she pretty much became my idol. Some people idolize those who have accomplished great achievements, or who have overcome adversity to do amazing things. Rosa Parks. Neil Armstrong. Gloria Steinem. Me? I idolize the girl who threatened to "kick the shit" out of Paris Hilton and spit on her. It's nice to have someone who you can really look up to and aspire to be like, you know?

Thanks to Anna!

More of Paris being a whorey whoresmack like usual in Japan recently:

Historic: (Adjective) Famous or important in history, or potentially so.

In other Oscar news, last night's 81st annual Academy Awards marked the first time Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were all in the same room since Brad dumped her for Angelina Jolie back in 2005. It will likely go down in history with other landmarks such as Washington crossing the Delaware and Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech.

When Black made a joke about how all Pixar films win Oscars, Aniston said, "I apologize Mr. Katzenberg [Jeffrey Katzenberg is the co-founder of Dreamworks], I don't know why we let him out of the house." The camera then panned to Jolie, who laughed.

When Aniston announced the nominees, she moved to the center of the stage, right in front of Jolie and Pitt. When the lights were down, Aniston smiled directly at Pitt, but not at Jolie. Aniston then presented Best Short Film; both Pitt and Jolie kept huge smiles on their faces the entire time. As Aniston walked off stage, Jolie and Pitt both clapped. (Source)

See now? That wasn't so hard now, was it? Imagine how much easier the media would have gone on them if they would have just been friendly to each other before this. And there's nothing wrong with staying friendly with your exes. It's supposed to be really healthy, even. I say this objectively speaking of course, because I would literally set my boyfriend's ex on fire before I let her come near us.

More of Jennifer Aniston with John Mayer wearing a (what else) white gown at the Vanity Fair Oscar party last night:

Homely: (Adjective) Of a person unattractive in appearance.

I was going to post these pictures of Katy Perry to comment of that ridiculous sheepskin rug she's got draped on herself, but then as I got to looking at the pictures something occurred to me. Katy Perry is just not very attractive. Maybe it's because her makeup is making her face look like a Barbie Styling Head, but she's just kinda... Fug. So now more than ever, I'm wondering what is the point of Katy Perry. She isn't good at singing, her music blows, she's annoying and now she's not even pretty.

Headlights: (Noun) A powerful light at the front of a motor vehicle or railroad engine.

Oooh... Nice look there, Tommy. Nothing says "International Leading Man" better than a polo shirt with gratuitously visible nipplage showing through. Well, either "International Leading Man" or "High School Gym Teacher," anyway. Take your pick.

Hoo Ha: (Noun) A lady's private area.

Sigourney Weaver caused quite the stir on "The View" yesterday while promoting her new Lifetime movie, when she gave the entire audience and home viewership an eyeful of hot underpants.

On the show to promote her new movie Prayers For Bobby, Sigourney unwittingly aped the famous scene in the movie Basic Instinct, in which Sharon Stone's character flashed the police while crossing her legs.

However, unlike Sharon's character in the 1992 film, fortunately Sigourney had underwear on. (Source)

I know you all probably think I'm going to say something really snarky and mean here, but you know what? Screw that. This is Sigourney fucking Weaver. Ellen Ripley for chrissakes. She can show her underpants all she damn wants. Maybe if she did it more often, in fact, she wouldn't be appearing in movies on the Lifetime Network in the first place.

More of Sigourney Beaver at the Golden Globes: (Editor's note: It was unavoidable.)

Harsh: (Adjective) Unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses.

Heather Mills appeared at some healthy cooking event for charity this weekend, but since I refuse to believe that Heather Mills is capable of any thoughts or actions that aren't motivated purely by hate, greed or craziness; I will now take this opportunity to make fun of her new haircut. Yikes. I usually like short haircuts but this seems to instantly transform her from a bitchy, insane 40-something to a bitchy, insane 60-something. It's like Martha Stewart crossed with the evil queen from Snow White when she was in hag mode. Well, you know, if the evil queen only had one leg and was somehow capable of even more evilness, anyway.

HA: (Exclamation) Used to express surprise, suspicion, triumph, or some other emotion.

Hahaha. I know it's not usually nice to laugh at people who are in car accidents. However, if it happens to a member of the Hogan family, it's pretty much always excused. So it's also totally cool to take smug satisfaction that Linda Hogan was involved in a car accident this weekend less than a quarter of a mile from her son's accident.

Cops on scene tell TMZ Linda's white Mercedes was reaended by a red Camaro. The Camaro suffered the majority of the damage -- Linda's car only suffered "minor" damage. Her son-alike BF Charley Hill arrived on the scene shortly afterwards. (Source)

I know what you're all thinking, that this is some kind of karma or irony at work here. But unfortunately, the sad fact of the matter is that this is really just some minor, insignificant coincidence. Nope -- it'll be karma when the entire Hogan family is taking a constitutional down to the Ponderosa Steakhouse and the family car gets nailed head on by a tractor trailer, leaving the lot of them in lifelong, vegetative states. And I cannot wait for that day.

Holier-Than-Thou: (Adjective) Characterized by an attitude of moral superiority.

Just in case you were wondering: Yes, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt do celebrate Christmas, but no they don't buy into the whole "rampant consumerism" aspect of it. Why? Well, because they're better than you, of course.

“We do exchange gifts,” explains Brad Pitt to Hello! magazine. “Although we don’t feel any pressure to make them big or expensive gifts. The rule is that everyone’s got to make something for someone else, you got to put time into it. Then, when they give to each other, it’s really sweet.” (Source)

I guess when you've got more money than God and can buy pretty much anything you want, it really doesn't get any better than macaroni art. All us saps just looking forward to laptops or expensive new sneakers for Christmas? Won't even know how bad we've got it, until we've experienced the distinct pleasure having our loved ones stick dried pasta onto cardboard with Elmer's Glue and give it a light dusting of glitter. So you think about that this Christmas morning when you're fiddling with your new iPod or programming your new flat screen. You cretins.

Ang at the premiere of Clint Eastwood's racist new movie (or so  heard):

Hysterical: (Adjective) Extremely funny.

Katy Perry has apologized to Lily Allen for having once described herself as a "fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen" after Lily Allen got pissed off about it earlier this week and basically called Katy Perry a no-talent hack who was manufactured by her record label. Fair enough. Anyway here is her quote-unquote apology:

"I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny," added Perry, who was nominated for a Grammy last week. "I didn't mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously." (Source)

Oh, so Katy Perry is a comedian now, too? So I guess that means all the girls who used to pick on me in middle school were also just comedians; not dumb, catty bitchfaces as I had previously thought. But to be fair, that joke wasn't really "funny ha ha" so much as "funny Katy Perry is still an insufferable asshole and I hope she gets AIDS."

More of Katy Perry being her hilarious self at the Jingle Ball: (She's in a banana suit!!! Get it??)