litelysalted

I Has a Bucket

2008-07-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

I was drinking a big cup of water when I opened this and it made water go up into my nose. True story.

(Source)

Sixty-five Bucks

2008-07-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened: I locked my damn keys in the car. I lost my original set of car keys about four or five years ago in some kind of black hole which appeared in my house just long enough to eat them as I was running late for a doctors appointment. To this day, they've never been heard from again. So I've been using my spare key/keyless entry fob, and every year or so, I think to myself, "I should really make a copy." And of course, I never do because I'm lazy.

Last night I was again running late for an appointment -- this time with my hair stylist -- and I jumped out of my car at the salon, grabbed my purse, grabbed my cellphone, smacked the lock button on the door and slammed it, only to realize at the exact moment the door was slamming that my keys were still danging in the ignition. Fuck!

I don't know what was ultimately more degrading: having to shell out the biggest waste of $65 for the whole three minutes it took the locksmith to open my car door; or having to do so wearing hot pink capris and a button-down shirt with cherries on it, which is a cute outfit for a young looking 30-year-old to be wearing... Unless this 30-year-old had just had her hair cut and styled into a teased bouffant, (I don't know why she still insists on doing that, dammit) in which case, made me look like a young old lady-girl named "Flo."

Research Fail

2008-07-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was responding to a commenter over on Webster's, and basically the long and short of it is that the commenter expressed for her wish for Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to shoot one another with their newly acquired firearms. I started to respond, saying that if it didn't happen, I was going to seriously consider disowning the concept of "ironic foreshadowing." Then I paused for a moment, stopping to consider whether or not "ironic foreshadowing" was an actual concept in itself. So naturally, not wanting to look stupid in front of my readers, I did a perfunctory google search which yielded this result. Hmmm. I'm seriously reconsidering how much I stock I take in the google research I do in the course of my blogging.

Also, for as sophisticatedly funny as I (try to) come off on the internet, this is secretly the kind of thing that makes me laugh. Oops, secret fail.

All By Myself

2008-07-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

So maybe this doesn't seem very impressive... But if you successfully parallel-parked for the first time ever at age 30, you'd be damn sure to capture it for posterity, too.

What the Hell is Wrong with Pink? Dammit.

2008-06-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Mr. Salty and I were driving home from getting milkshakes at our favorite dessert cafe earlier this evening when he asked me: "If you could have any color car in the world, what would it be?" Without skipping a beat, I said "pink." He snaps back, "You didn't even think about it!" So I did, for a moment. "No, pink. But like a cool pink, like the berry pink of the wall of my office." And he said, "Well what if you had to factor in that I might have to drive it sometimes?" to which I immediately responded, "Ain't my problem!" And then he said, "You know, you'd never be able to sell a pink car." (Don't you love how this imaginary scenario has so many stipulations to it?) But I was like, "If I had a pink car, why the hell would I ever want to get rid of it?!"

But then I got thinking about it. Of course you could sell a pink car. If there's one thing us bitches love, it's shit that comes in pink. And given the supply (nonexistent) as compared to the demand (at the very least, moderate) not only would one be able to sell a pink car, but -- now think about this -- if just like one car company came out with a model in pink, there would be a feeding frenzy. Come on! Picture something hip, fun and sporty -- like a VW Bug, Mini or Smart; or even something on the economy side like a Honda Fit or a Toyota Yaris? There would be a waiting list out the ass. Remember when Motorola came out with the pink RAZR? Let me tell you, it was completely redonkulous. It took me like two months to get my hands on one of them, and I paid almost $200 for it. Of course, now every damn phone comes in pink, and they give RAZRs away for free with a two year contract.

The fact that car companies refuse to take cues like this under their wing makes it apparent to me that these car companies are obviously run by men, who are forcing us women to live by their patriarchal standards of what a car should look like. (Yeah! How 'bout it, feministing?) And I, for one, am officially calling bullshit-anigans on this. Hear me, car companies? Bullshit-anigans!!

(Note: Header image custom paint job I acquired via internet.)

Post-Holiday Weekend Male Enhancement Spam

2008-05-27T05:41:00.000-07:00

I'm totally confused by the quotation and underlining usage in this one.

NO NO NO! Even Better!!

2008-05-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

WHAY THEY ARE SO HAPPY?

BECOURSE THE HAVE NO PROBLEM IN SEXUAL LIFE!!!

Best Spam Ever

2008-05-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

FOGET YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEM!

My Sister is Gonna Be On Oprah!

2008-04-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

So, my awesome sister Beth does volunteer work with the non-profit organization Main Line Animal Rescue. The organization's founder Bill Smith, who won the ASPCA lifetime achievement award in 2007, recently went on a crusade to get Oprah to do a show on puppy mills (since she's always bibbedy-blabbing about her dogs and such) by erecting a billboard outside of Harpo Studios pleading for her cooperation. Well, it worked and Friday's show will feature Smith, as well as pre-taped segments from the MLAR facility which Beth will more than likely be appearing in. Anyway, despite my excitement over the sis being on TV, it's a really good cause, so check it out. I'm breaking my lifelong streak of "never having voluntarily watched an Oprah" to do so.

Oh yeah, and Oprah is dedicating the show to her dead cocker spaniel. Oh, fuck you Oprah. But anyway, still watch.

My 10 Favorite Things About the Rocky's Pizza Menu:

2008-03-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

(Click to enlarge)

1. Where the celebrities go for their pizza? False!

2. Okay, so maybe some "celebrities" have been there, on occasion, for PR or photo ops or whathaveit. But I've never even heard of Reno Mahe. He must be like one of those football players who only plays when someone important gets hurt.

3. Yeah! Make me a pizza, bitch!

4. Italian stereotypes = awesome.

5. I can't put my finger on why a movie about a sweaty, beat-to-shit boxer inspired Italian cuisine. But clearly someone thought it was a good idea.

6. They're not even "Oley Famous." One step at a time, Rocky's Pizza.

7. This is a picture of Philadelphia. Because they're practically located in Philly -- you know, give or take 50 miles.

8. Okay, this is a pretty sweet deal. I'll give them that.

9. (On back of menu) The "Yo Adrian" pizza contains ground beef, bacon, cheddar, hot sauce, jalepenos, ranch and mozzarella. This sounds disgusting. I don't think Judge Dredd would eat this pizza, much less somebody training for athletic competition.

10. Fuhgettaboudit!! Still awesome!

Open Letter to People Who Bring Kids to Wineries:

2008-03-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

Fuck you. No really, fuck you. Oh, and your kids are jerks.

Oh, Puke.

2008-03-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

When the Mister and I built out house, we did bamboo hardwood floors throughout the entire place, except for the master bedroom, which we decked out in wall-to-wall, speckled white berber carpeting. We've been moved in since mid-October, and I've been biding my time. I knew it was only a matter of when one of my wonderful little barfbag puke monsters would unload a steaming pile of half-digested kibble on our beloved carpet. And that day finally has come. I was getting ready for work, blow-drying my hair with the Violent Femmes blasting, and didn't even hear the preliminary hurl noises. Instead, when I finally peeked out of the master bath, I saw my Australian Shepherd, Sophie, guiltily cowering over a fricking enormous pile of brownish-pink vomit in a pool of yellow liquid, already saturated into the carpet. That's always fun to see when you're trying to get out the door in the morning. But anyway, for whatever reason it's so far never even occurred to me to purchase carpet stain cleaner. Suggestions, anyone?

Good Gravy

2008-03-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I blogged about cutting a friend loose. In the initial post I didn't get into specifics, but in the comments section I elaborated the following, to try to give some insight into the situation:

Me: I'm building a house! From scratch. Mr. Salted and I designed it ourselves, and we're really excited and proud of it.

Her: Well, let me tell you for the 40th time about my fabulous apartment! It's totally better than your house because it's within walking distance to the mall! Which is better than the mall near you, by the way.

Me: I live down a backroad, on a private wooded lot, I don't even like malls and I do all my shopping online.

Her: Yeah. It has, like, 200 more stores than your mall. You would love it. By the way, would you like to hear again how much money my boyfriend makes? Next week I'm probably going to dump him for a nightclub security guard, but when I take him back again because he misses me so much, I'll have to make sure I update you on his salary when that time comes.

So imagine my complete and utter shock -- shock!! -- to find out that this friend (which, update: dumping unsuccessful!) exists in Saturday Day Night Live recurring character form. Wow. Just, wow. This is pretty much her, to a T. Not even really an exaggeration. Can you imagine why I'd ever want out of this?

Search Engine Fun!

2008-02-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

Like Dan and John, I decided to give you guys a glimpse into what draws people to my little corner on the internets, despite that I barely have time to keep up with it anymore. I'm not making any of this up whatsoever:

cartoon mouse fucking cheese
audio of timothy treadwell and his girlfriend being eaten by bears
stinking happy time
power rangers incest
bret michaels going bald pictures
american gladiator theme song
i hate everything syndrome
ghostbusters molester scene
mother and i fucking in the swimming pool
Dustin Diamond dildo
skinniest feet
lickey boom boom down
fucking girls even though you have warts on your feet
pedigree dog food commercial: too sexy
johnny damon talks weird

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds

2008-02-04T05:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, yes. I did. Click here for the review.

I Hate Everything

2008-01-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

My hometown of Phoenixville, PA has seen a ton of economic growth in the past five years or so, mostly unsurprising and inevitable for a suburb outside of Philadelphia. Some of it's been bad, as in the strip malls which are popping up left and right, and some good -- as in the historic downtown area seeing a complete restoration and resurgence.

However, the fate of two landmarks: the Vale-Rio diner and the historic Fountain Inn, have been hanging in the balance for some time now. There were rumors the properties were going to be sold to developers, protests and town meetings to address such rumors, zoning issues, etc. But it looks like the diner and bar/restaurant are finally closing their doors to make way for a -- wait for it -- Starfucks and Walgreens.

Although I don't live in Phoenixville anymore the Fountain Inn (a.k.a the Lazy Dog Saloon) is my favorite watering hole when I go back to visit friends. They fill your wine all the way to the top of the oversized wine glass and it costs like three dollars. (And sometimes if you're really lucky, there'll even be a dead body in the parking lot!) Not to mention the diner which was a staple growing up, and also featured in the camp horror movie The Blob.

The whole thing just makes me really sad. And frustrated. And powerless. The diner, especially, is kind of like the heart of the town, and means so much to so many. The level of greed and callousness is just mind boggling. And this is exactly why I live out in the country, and plan on moving further out if development warrants.

Bleh. Sorry for the depressing post. I promise, more funny next time.

Life Sucks and Then You Die

2008-01-29T12:10:00.000-08:00

My first totally serious, non-cracking jokefest review of the AMC series "Breaking Bad" is up at Pajiba. Good lord is this show intense. Check it here.

Who's the Biggest Idiot?

2008-01-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

If I told you that I got tricked by a spammer to post a link to a "penile enhancement" website on my gossip site, would you think I am just a run of the mill idiot; or like the biggest idiot in the whole wide world?

Ohhhkay, biggest idiot in the whole wide world, then? Yes?

I have to admit, it was pretty brilliant. Somehow the spammers are getting smarter, like terminators or those super smart dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. This is what I got in my email this morning:

Hey,
My husband and I are a big fan of your site, even though he hates to admit it :) . Recently he did reveal his true gossip queen side. He showed me an interesting thing he found on a site that he asked me to confirm. The site is called link purposely omitted and it has britney's paparazzi boyfriend adnan as one of its product reviewers. Maybe this was something that he was doing on the side before he got all the media attention? I always thought that he was a sell-out, but this is going to a whole new level. Was he or is he still really a test monkey for a male enhancement review site? I wonder how much they paid him? Is there any way that you can verify wether it is true or not?

Here is the link to where his info is:
(link purposely omitted)

I know you have a lot of e-mails to reply to, but please let me know if you find out anything more about this

P.S.- My husband was really excited when he found out that I was going to email you about this because he feels like he is contributing to the gossip community.

Thanks.
Mary & John

So before I could even contemplate the validity of said prospect, I already was crackin' away, with visions of Us Weekly and TMZ and widespread exposure dancing in my head, announcing to the world, "Webster's Is My Bitch was first to break the story..."

Sigh.

Better luck next time.

Kibbles and Bits

2008-01-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

I've let you all down. At a month and a half, this is the longest I've ever let the blog sit idle. Maybe I'll make this my half assed, late to the party New Year's resolution to update at least once a week.

So here's some random things that have been going on with me in the past month and a half.

Twin Peaks
Mr. Salty is a huge David Lynch fan. Me? Not so much. His films, while visually interesting, frustrate the living shit out of me to the point where I want to hurl the remote out the window. However, since I am since I am a television fan I decided to sit down and watch "Twin Peaks" on DVD, after picking up the second season for Mr. Salty for his birthday late last year.

And you know what? I fucking loved it. We watched -- no, inhaled -- the entire series all the way through between Christmas and New Years. Between the quirky, soap-opera'ey storylines, creepy-ass mystery, fantastic characters, (Agent Cooper, Leland Palmer) retarded characters to make fun of (Stupid James and Leo) -- it was like someone took little pieces of everything I love about television and crammed it into one series. I briefly considered doing a comprehensive series review for Pajiba but ultimately couldn't collect my thoughts adequately enough. I was a little miffed about the finale, though. Although I won't get into in detail since I know at least one person out there in the process of watching the series -- I will say I understand and appreciate it, but personally didn't care for it much. Thoughts?

Exer-ma-cising
Attempting to get back into some kind of respectable shape as well as motivation to get my damn ass to the gym in the first place -- I started working out with a personal trainer once a week. In addition to training with him on the weekend, I also follow a circuit training schedule he developed for me on 2-3 days a week. So far it's been working out swimmingly, despite frequently missing sessions due to inclement weather, Christmas-a-palooza, and one long weekend of an ass-exploding stomach bug. I've been lifting weights and strength training for over two years now, but it's amazing the difference it makes when you, y'know, do it the right way.

The Fucking McNuggets Commercial
This commercial has been the bane of my existence for the past several weeks. It makes me dread turning on the TV at night. I guess the story goes -- and fuck you, I'm not doing research so if I have this wrong than so be it -- but I guess these two asshats uploaded this rap they invented on YouTube and now McDonalds is torturing the masses with it. So, good job on that, marketing fuckwits. I just hope the good people at Yoohoo don't ever decided to hire Tay Zonday or we're all doomed.

So that's about it, in a nutshell. And if I can't keep my promise hopefully that'll hold y'all off for awhile.

Fa la la la lahhh! french vanilla!

2007-12-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

One thing I love about the holidays is how advertisers really jack up those stupidity levels. It's like they save up all year, by just being moderately stupid -- and then pull out the big guns for the clusterfuck of rampant consumerism. However, it seems like every year there's always one standout holiday commercial that especially makes me want to put my fist through the TV, and this year the crown goes to Lowe's.

I couldn't find a clip of this anywhere, because for some reason the kids aren't in much of a hurry to upload Lowe's commercials to YouTube. But the premise is such: Doofy white male goes to Lowe's to buy his wife a Christmas gift. Okay, unless your wife is Rosie the Riveter, this is probably a bad idea right out of the gate. And because men are apparently so stupid they can't be trusted with the simplest task of finding their lifelong partner a suitable gift, hilarity ensues when Doof accosts an attractive blonde Lowe's employee to pose as his wife and help him pick something out. Being that it is Lowe's after all, he predictably picks out the usual assortment of tools and lawnmowers that his wife obviously wouldn't want, only to finally happen upon a rack of giftcards which gets a big smile and thumbs up from employee-wife.

This commercial is just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, giving someone a giftcard is usually a big helping of "I don't care enough to put thought into this gift" or "I don't know you well enough to find a satisfactory gift." Be that as it may, it's a perfectly acceptable thing to give almost anyone with the exception of your spouse. Second of all, if you're a big enough schmuck to give your wife a giftcard, I would hope to hell you could think of someplace better than a goddamn home improvement store. So Lowe's, my hat's off to you -- thanks for pushing the idiotic envelope.

And now -- and I say this without a trace of irony -- my all time favorite holiday commercial: French Vanilla Cool Whip. Don't miss the last 3 seconds, I promise, it's worth the wait.

LOL DOGS: Too Much Turkey Edition

2007-11-26T05:56:00.000-08:00

Fun Facts About Your Web Mistress

2007-11-06T17:02:00.000-08:00

I wasn't invited to play, and I don't think anyone reads this stupid website anymore -- but fuck it. Here are seven ~~fun~~ facts about yours truly.

1. I didn't learn to drive until I was 23 years old.
I have about a million excuses for this, but not a single good one.

2. I have been involved in four motor vehicle accidents since the age of 23.
Only one of them completely wasn't my fault at all. See? I always knew I wouldn't be good at driving.

3. I was born pigeon-toed.
I think I may have covered this once before. My parents wanted to have my legs surgically corrected, but I guess the doctor talked them out of it on account of the cruelty and all. This was later self-corrected after the hellish two years of Jr. High took their toll on my self esteem.

4. I watched Vice Versa starring Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold this weekend.
That's right. I watched it, because I love it -- so go fuck yourselves, you elitist barfbags.

5. I pierced my ears 13 times in high school.
Except for the first two on each side, I did all the rest myself. Because I was and always will be punk as fuck. Also? Stupid as fuck -- because as a result I have horrible scarring all up and down my ears as an adult.

6. I am almost legally blind.
Bet you guys didn't know what a freakshow I was, huh? Contact lens prescription: -7.50 (left) and -8.0 (right). Someday I plan in getting lasik but knowing my luck my vision will continue going downhill.

7. My sister and Mr. Salty's brother are married.
Yessss, incest, gloooorious incest. Well, not really. Anyway, this is a fact that never fails to fascinate people, so I thought I'd include it. Yes we come from a small town.

Ask Ms. Salty 11/05/07

2007-11-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologize once again, for the lateness of this edition of Ask Ms. Salty. The thing of it is, this column has been a rather spectacular failure due to both lack of reader and author participation. If anyone out there would still like to send in questions, by all means. Eventually I'll get around to answering them, but due to other projects which have recently found me -- it just might take me a little while.

Dear Ms Salty,

I'm having what can only be described as "issues" with a couple of women that I work with. Neither work with me directly, although I do end up seeing them both on an almost daily basis. The problem I have is this both of them seem unable to help themselves when it comes to butting into my life with completely unsolicited advice, and not just advice but criticism. The first takes issue generally with "health" issues - what I'm eating, how much exercise I'm doing etc. I have the added problem that she is married to my line manager so turning around and snapping at her is not really an answer here. The second is a girl that I see socially fairly often as well as at work. Her level of interest seems to fall into the category of my "love life", rather than snide remarks her tactic is to physically drag me out of a conversation to reprimand my behaviour (talking to someone I once slept with and with whom I remain friends - my God!) or to rather loudly warn me to be careful around someone who is horrifyingly still in ear shot.

I am aware that compared to both of these women I may be considered relatively young - they are both only about six years my senior - but surely as a grown woman I should be exempt from any mothering instincts they have? The bitch in me is a little put out at not being able to snap back at women who are criticising areas of my life that aren't too good in their own either. Any suggestions on how to deal with them without a) putting me in a negative light with my boss and b) ostracising myself from my work social circle?

Signed

About to Snap

Dear About to Snap,

Nosy work bitches, eh? Unfortunately, as a young woman entering the workforce, it's more likely than not that you're going to be subjected to that sort of thing. But mothering instincts?? I sure as hell hope that's your words, not theirs. There should be no kind of mothering fuckery going on in the instance of a six year age difference. Hell, that's just creepy.

At any rate, to answer your question. I've got some experience with sort of thing myself, so here's what I've learned to do. Convince these women that you're a total fuck up -- just a complete lost cause -- and I think you'll find it alleviates some of the pressure. For example, when I started my last job, it was a small office environment with a few "mother hen" types. Perfectly nice ladies, but me being a late 20-something cohabiting with a man -- it was only a matter of time before they started with the inevitable breeding queries. Now I don't ever plan on having kids -- ever -- which I made abundantly clear right from the get-go. Did it stop the questions? Of course not. So one day when one of them asked me, "Well, what if it just happens and it's an accident?" I think I responded along the lines of "No baby will ever come out of these loins if I have to reach up there and rip out that goddamn fetus with my cold dead hands."

Haven't heard a word about it since. Ladies at work getting up in your grill because you ate fast food for lunch? Loudly pretend to purge in the bathroom shortly afterwards. Nagging about your lovelife? tell 'em you fucked some guy you met at TGI Friday's and now you've got a rash "down there." It's amazing what "TMI" can do. You've just got to make those ladies see -- not only are you not any "fun" to give advice to, but you're just past the point of conceivable advising altogether. Hope that helps.

Adventures in Pomegranate

2007-11-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

Recently I read in the Fitness magazine which gets delivered to my home every month, that while you can get some of the nutritional benefits from drinking pomegranate juice -- there really is no substitute for eating the fruit itself. The short article was accompanied by a delicious looking split open pomegranate, which singlehandedly inspired me to grab a $2 pomegranate I noticed on a produce display while stopping by the grocery store on my way home from work earlier this evening.

Biggest two dollar mistake ever. As I tentatively approached the fruit, it suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea what the hell to do with it. I tried cutting it in half and eating it with a spoon like a grapefruit. Delicious, yes. However I soon realized, one white t-shirt later, that what the article had failed to mention was that one attempting to eat pomegranate ought to wear some sort of smock or protective clothing much like an eight year old attending elementary school art class. I ended up cutting it like an orange, juice squirting out like a geyser, and eating it over the sink with reddish-purple juice dripping down my face and hands onto a -- now completely stained -- pair of Victoria's Secret flannel pajamas. And that was only half it. I conceded defeat and put the other half back into the refrigerator, presumably where it will stay for the next two or three weeks until I throw the rotting carcass into the trash.

So yeah, while the fruit itself is undeniably tasty, from now on I'll enjoy pomegranate the way God intended -- in a $3 per 8 ounce glass bottle, thankyouverymuch.

Webster's is my Bitch

2007-10-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

I know you've all been wondering where the hell I've been lately, and what this big secret of mine was. Well, finally the cat is out of the bag. With the help of my Pajiba colleagues, I bring you: Webster's is my Bitch -- hands down the best damn S&M/dictionary themed gossip site on the entire internet! Please visit and tell your friends and have your friends tell their friends and so on.

I promise we'll make it worth your while!