Forever: (Adverb) For all future time; for always.

As you may know, stupid Heidi Montag and stupid Spencer Pratt got married this weekend, and ever since they've been gloating it up on their stupid twitter accounts.

"I can't believe I am Mrs. Pratt," the Hills star wrote on Twitter Sunday morning, one day after her wedding to Spencer Pratt in Pasadena, Calif. "First day of married life!!!!!!"

"Getting married has been the craziest yet best experience of my life," she wrote. Later that day, she said, "Watching movies and relaxing -- this has been the best day as a married woman."

Monday morning, she added: "Wow, what a morning! Waking up with my husband is beyond words!!! I'm so excited I'm really married! FOREVER!" (Source)

Whatever. My Netflix account is going to last longer than these two. We've already been together since March of '05. That's four years, baby! And I still love it just as much as the first day we met, when it sent me Motorcycle Diaries and The Station Agent and I got them in my mailbox.*

* Not paid for by Netflix.

More of Mr. and Mrs. Dunderheads at their dumb wedding:

Fatphobic: (Noun) The fear of becoming overweight, or other individuals who are overweight.

Gwyneth Paltrow only has one fat friend, but if you ask her that's still one fat friend too many. Anyway, the friend some guy named Mario Batali who is supposedly fat, but Gwyneth is trying to get him to see the error of his fat ways.

OVER the years, Mario "Fanta Pants" Batali's weight has ballooned along with his ego. It's gotten so bad, insiders said, that his pal Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, "Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." A rep for Paltrow didn't return e-mails. (Source)

What an asshole. I mean, sometimes you hear this stuff about Gwyneth Paltrow and you think, she can't really be this big of an asshole, can she? It's just not physically possible. If she's just a giant, gaping asshole, why hasn't she literally swallowed up the universe like a big black asshole* by now? It's these kinds of things I ponder while reading my Popular Science magazines.

* Editor's note: Hello, new readers, who have just surfed in from google!

I'm posting these pictures of her again from the Valentino: The Last Emperor premiere, because just look at this dress. No really, JUST LOOK AT IT:

Fat Ass: (Noun) A very large, fat, fatty of a fat person.

Ha ha, Kevin Federline is still fat. And now NutriSystem wants to help him be, I don't know, not as fat. Ha ha ha.

Since last year, Kevin Federline has packed on the pounds — one pal estimates that the former backup dancer has gained more than 40 — and his new job may be to shed that fat. According to another friend, K-Fed, 31, has been offered a deal with NutriSystem to promote its Men’s Plan program.

“Kevin wants to lose weight, and he needs to make money,” the friend says. “He’s seriously thinking it over.” However, Kevin’s rep denies that he’s going to work for NutriSystem. (Source)

I think he should take the money too. And NutriSystem should dangle it in front of him on a stick and make him run for it on a treadmill. Then they should film it and that should be the entire commercial. I don't know if that would help demonstrate how their Men’s Plan program works, but hell, I would buy it. And I'm not even a man, or fat.

More of K Fat fatting around the town:

Freakish: (Adjective) Bizarre or grotesque; abnormal.

Tori Spelling and family got all gussied up in matching outfits for the release of her new autobiographical book, Mommywood, and ... I have absolutely no idea why they're dressed like this. None whatsoever. But I can say this, the last time I got this freaked out by something green was that time in college I had a bad acid trip and thought Kermit the Frog was trying to kill me. To this day, I still can't watch "The Muppets" without having a flashback.

Also, congratulations to Tori for finally reaching her goal weight of 92lbs!

Fed Up: (Adjective) Annoyed or upset at a situation or treatment.

HOOOOOMYGOD! Mel Gibson's wife of twenty-eight years and seven children, has filed for divorce, citing the good old reliable "irreconcilable differences."

"Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so," a rep for Gibson, 53, tells Usmagazine.com in a statement.

TMZ.com alleges that "there is no prenuptial agreement" based on source reporting. In 2006, Gibson's fortune was estimated at $900 million. Under California law, community property -- which includes earnings -- is divided 50/50. (Source)

Finally, Mel Gibson's wife will be able to open her eyes, and for the first time in years, be able to see the world through the eyes of a woman not married to a mysoginistic, sadomasochist Jesus freak with an alcohol problem; but still with half of his money. And Mel Gibson will be able to fall happily back off the wagon and head on down to Spring Break to bang a gaggle of 21-year-old girls. Everyone wins!*

* Not counting any coeds who contract chlamydia from Mel Gibson.

Failure: (Noun) An unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing.

"Rich Prosecco," the sparking wine in a can that Paris Hilton endorsed by posing naked in gold body paint, is not selling well. Apparently there are warehouses full of the stuff, and retailers can't move it.

Added to that, the company also faces a legal showdown with Italian vintners over the use of the name ‘Prosecco’.

However Austrian owner Guenther Aloys refuses to blame Paris’ endorsement of the drink for its poor performance in the marketplace. He said: “She is the perfect advert for our product. “We have several new campaigns that are already being planned.” (Source)

I've never had Rich Prosecco before, but if Paris Hilton is the "perfect" representation for it I'm guessing that the can itself is very stylish and chic looking while the wine itself tastes like Kool Aid laced with battery acid.

More of Paris and her dumb, douche of a boyfriend at the Schipol airport:

Flattering: (Adjective) Of a garment or color enhancing someone's appearance.

Miley Cyrus attended a screening of the Hannah Montana movie in Nashville last night, and, good news! It turns out her stylist hates her just as much as everyone else does! The girl is not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but Jesus. This dress is like the dress equivalent of one of those ruched one-piece swimsuits with the skirts attached that old ladies wear to their water aerobics classes.

Also, what's up with Billy Ray's soul patch these days? It looks like it's gradually taking over his entire face:

Family Reunion: (Noun) An occasion when members of an extended family get together.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday this weekend, and was joined by birthday whores of the present, girlfriends Kristina and Karissa Shannon and Crystal Harris; as well as birthday whores of the past, ex-girlfriends Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and the other one, whatsherface. How sweet. It's just like "The Brady Bunch," only with six Marshas who are all willing to do anal with Sam the Butcher.

Fetal Position: (Noun) A bodily posture in which the body is curled with head and limbs drawn in, sometimes assumed in states of fear or emotional withdrawal.

Oh, come on. It's Friday, dammit. She couldn't just let me ease into the weekend without any severe emotional scarring? On the bright side, at least now I know what a "space hooker" is supposed to look like. Do you think herpes in outer space is the same as herpes on the planet Earth? I bet it like, glows green or some shit.