Douche-Off: (Noun) An event in which two or more people compete for douche-bag supremacy.

Spencer Pratt must have been jealous, what with Ashton Kutcher hogging up all of the universe's douchiness last week with that twitter contest of his. So naturally, Spencer is doing the most logical thing and challenging Kelso to a twitter contest of his own.

"Ashton had a huge head start, but I believe in my Twitter family," Pratt, who currently has 194,048 followers on the social networking site, tells Usmagazine.com. "From the moment Ashton accepts my challenge, assuming he's man enough to do so, whoever adds the most new followers in 30 days wins."

"If I win, Ashton and Demi [Moore, his wife] have to wash my car," he says. If he loses to the Twitter pro, who now has 1,093,794 followers, Pratt adds that "Heidi [Montag] and I will clean their house." (Source)

Whether or not Ashton Kutcher is "man enough" to accept his challenge will probably depend if he's "man enough" to even know who the hell Spencer Pratt is in the first place. And that will depend on whether or not he has anything better to do than lie around and watch "The Hills" reruns all day. Oh wait, what am I saying? This is Ashton Kutcher we're talking about. We should expect his confirmation any minute now.

More of the turds gifts that keeps on smelling giving at Perez Hilton's birthday party:

Druggies: (Plural Noun) Two or more drug addicts.

We all know Heidi and Spencer are fans of the reefer by now, thanks to Shit for Brains Shit Mouth posting this picture of Heidi on his twitter with a giant bong in the background. Now it's coming out that the two were also recently spotted at The Farmacy, a medical marijuana clinic in L.A., according to Star:

In California, people suffering from chronic pain and other illnesses can get a medical marijuana card with a doctor's prescription. "It's not like Heidi and Spencer seem sick or anything," says a witness. "I can't imagine why they would need to be there."

Their rep — who did not deny they bought pot — says the couple were there for a Web-based reality show. But it seemed they didn't want anyone to know! The usually flashy duo went incognito, wearing jeans and tees with matching sunglasses.

"They were definitely trying not to be noticed," says the witness. "I guess they don't want their fans to think they smoke!" (Source)

Wait a minute, Heidi and Spencer were trying not to be noticed? Is this some kind of sick joke? Opposite day? What are they going to tell us next, that cows have learned to use their higher brain functions, walk on two legs and are planning on enslaving mankind and condemning us to lives of slaughterhouses and dairy farming? You're scaring me, Star magazine. Please, stop it.

More of Frick and Frack "trying not to be noticed" at the grocery store last August:

Dead Weight: (Noun) The weight of an inert person or thing.

Awww, sad news: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are reportedly on the rocks. FYI: That would be the former Mr. Jessica Simpson and chick from "TRL," if you've forgotten. I know, it took me a minute, too.

A source close to the ex-boybander says the two “are on the rocks big time. They argue all the time, and Nick is done with her. He feels like she’s holding him back, careerwise.”

Sure enough, Lachey’s career isn’t as hot as it used to be. His latest single, “Patience,” hasn’t even cracked the pop charts, though a friend close to the singer is quick to note “it’s doing well on the adult contemporary.” (When we checked, it was No. 39 on Billboard’s Hot Adult Top 40 list after five weeks of airplay, and it topped out on the Pop 100 Airplay list at No. 75 back in March.) (Source)

FACT: The only way Vanessa could be "holding Nick back" is if she's too dumb to star in a reality show where he rolls his eyes and appears constantly visibly agitated with her. Because as history shows, that is pretty much the only thing Nick Lachey has ever proven to excel at or have a marketable talent for. He should just count his blessings he's not working as a cashier at Jiffy Lube by now.

More of Nick showing off his douchey pecs and lame tattoos at some event for a radio station in February:

Distorted: (Adjective) A misleading or false account or impression of.

Mariah Carey fired back on her twitter account after the mother of all unflattering, hideous dresses she wore on Easter (above, and, yikes) sparked pregnancy rumors. Again.

"I don't know what was worse, the bleak angles and bright peach dress ... or the b.s. commentary/blogs," she says (via Twitter).

Although "Nick looked cute" in the photos, she says she "could've definitely lived without" seeing the pictures. (She also admits that her "dress and hair" were not suitable for the "red carpet.")

She added, "And if I gained a few pounds.. my trainers back living with me again." (Source)

Is this honestly the first time anyone has showed Mariah Carey pictures of herself? She pretty much always looks like 10 pounds of crap stuffed into a 5 pound bag. Girlfriend doesn't need a trainer, she needs a mirror. And maybe a stylist. And someone to throw out all of her crowbars, shoehorns and lube. OK, and maybe a trainer. I'm not going to be totally ridiculous here.

Mariah at Sundance last January breaking zippers and taking names:

Difference: (Noun) A point or way in which people or things are not the same.

Audrina Patridge is sounding off on those pesky plastic surgery rumors, because apparently some people out there have had the gall to suggest that her beauty is not 100% natural. The nerve!

"People think I've got my nose done. My chin done. I just laugh at it," she tells Extra. "I'm just losing my baby fat - everyone grows up and changes." "There's always rumors," she adds.

"People are always going to point things out and it's entertainment. It's funny. Doesn't bother me. Goes in one ear, out the other. I read it, forget it." (Source)

FYI, the photo on the left was taken on November 18th and the photo on the right was taken on December 10th after no one conveniently saw Audrina for three weeks. I guess it's almost the same face, right? Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not. I've seen Mrs. Potato Head dolls go through less extreme transformations.

More of Convincing McLiarpants  at the MTV Australia Awards last month:

Doghouse: (Noun) The state of being in mild or temporary disfavor.

Ruh roh, Pete Wentz is gonna be in some deeeeep shit. While his wife Ashlee was home taking care of, oh, their baby son this weekend, guess where Pete was? If you said "partying it up with strippers in Vegas," you sir win a cigar.

The Fall Out Boy bassist — who was without his wife of nearly one year — partied hard with about 50 band members, dancers and pals (including Girls Next Door star Holly Madison) following a sold-out show at the Palms Casino Resort on April 5.

"Everybody was going absolutely crazy," an eyewitness tells Star. "People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip 'n' Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and singing along to his band's own songs, grinding up against the dancers."

At one point he was "dancing on a pool table with the girls," the partygoer adds. (Source)

I for one, am shocked, just absolutely shocked. I never would have seen that coming. Pete Wentz gets caught with his pants down, in a manner of speaking, and it's with girls? Hell, he's got one of them at home. That's like eating canned tuna for lunch every day and then going out to a restaurant and ordering a tuna sandwich when you could have a nice, juicy Italian sausage on a long roll.

More of Fruits Magoots wearing a denim shirt and bow tie at the Kid's Choice Awards:

Difficult: (Adjective) Of a person not easy to please or satisfy.

Britney Spears pissed off concertgoers at a Vancouver stop on her Circus tour last night when she walked offstage 15 minutes into her set complaining that the arena was too smoky, and didn't return until more than a half hour later.

Cigarette smoke from the crowd was blamed, with a female voice announcing to the crowd, "The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes - this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared," the Vancouver Sun reports.

Until the agitated crowd settled down, GM Place was filled with piped-in intermission music played at hockey games - which, one concertgoer told PEOPLE, left the fans "really pissed off. The break in the concert ruined it for everyone. The vibe was gone." (Source)

Don't get me wrong, I'm a nonsmoker and I hate -- hate -- having to breathe other people's cigarette smoke. But doesn't Britney Spears, um ... Smoke? I'm pretty sure she does. So what's the problem here? It's not even like she's really singing, for chrissakes. What else pisses Britney Spears off these days? I guess don't be caught around her with Cheeto dust on your fingers or a Frappacino whipped cream mustache either. And whatever you do, don't even think about talking in a whacked-out British accent in earshot around her. That could set her off like a damn bull in a china shop.

From a Newark show last month:

Douchehole: (Noun) Not just a regular asshole, but a real douchebag of an asshole.

This has already been posted on everybody's mom's blogs by now, but I'm late to the game and couldn't resist. Yesterday Billy Bob Thornton went on Canada's "Q TV" to be interviewed with his band, The Boxbeaters or Boxmisters something or other, and gave an interview that made Joaquin Phoenix look like a stately, eloquent orator in comparison. He rambled incoherently and downright refused to answer questions because the interviewer, Jian Ghomeshi, had the hot nerve to introduce his name in the context of his acting career. You know, the acting career which afforded him the notoriety be in a band that gets gigs anywhere besides the roadhouses playing for free beer. But hey, I think Billy Bob has made his point loud and clear. Next time he shows up at a red carpet for whatever shitty, big paycheck crapfest of a crap movie he's promoting? Just remember -- he's a musician, not an actor. And not just any musician, but a music historian. Don't ask him about what it was like working with the kid from American Pie, ask him about modbilly, or whatever the fuck it is his stupid band plays. Really now? You say it's hillybilly music with mod roots? I'm not following. Explain that again?

More of the greatest thing ever to happen to music at the Sundance film festival (for some reason I can't figure out) in January:

Delusional: (Adjective) An idiosyncratic belief that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

Yesterday afternoon Lindsay Lohan released a statement that she and Samantha Ronson were "taking a brief break so [she] can focus on [her]self," despite the fact that Samantha had already changed the locks. Well, I hope she plans to focus on herself a bit longer, because the Ronson family is now seeking a restraining order.

Samantha Ronson's mother and sister asked Beverly Hills police how they could obtain a retraining order three days after Lindsay Lohan banned from a Ronson family event, Usmagazine.com exclusively reports.

"They were directed to the court to get a restraining order," Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall told Us on Monday. (Source)

Jesus, this is sounding more and more like a lifetime movie everyday. And if Lifetime movies have taught me anything, it's that there are only two ways for this to end. By Lindsay Lohan falling out of a plate glass, third story window while during the course of a murderous rampage, or by Lindsay Lohan accidentally electrocuting herself during the course of a murderous rampage. Either way there's almost definitely going to be some kind of murderous rampage.

The couple in "happier" times:

Dumped: (Verb) To discard or reject a significant other unceremoniously.

It sounds like Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's codependent lesbo relationship is finally, finally over this time. Samantha has apparently changed the locks and everything, in addition to having Lindsay barred from her sister Charlotte's clothing line launch party this weekend:

Before Lindsay's arrival at the event, an insider told OK! that the Ronsons had gone out of their way to insure she wouldn't be able to get inside. "Unless Lindsay rams a truck through the red carpet or skydives in, she won't be here," revealed the source.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards," according to an onlooker. "Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail," said another source. (Source)

Then, Lindsay got all twitter up in this bitch:

"I was right all along. Cheat. Being cheated on does wonders to you. I'm doing this publicly because u&ur friends call People mag.. So you win, you broke my heart. Now go away. I loved you." (Source)

It sounds like the medical examiner is going to call the time of death any moment now. And by "medical examiner" I mean "Us Weekly," and by "call the time of death" I mean "release a statement from Lindsay Lohan's publicist." Damn, I'm good. I so should have written for "ER" or "Grey's Anatomy" instead of becoming a gossip blogger.

Samantha Ronson at the "No Lindsays Allowed" party this weekend:

Denied: (Verb) Refuse to give something requested or desired to someone.

Madonna was so excited to be flying home with a brand new shiny Malawian orphan today that she threw herself a good old fashioned adoptin' party last night! Too bad this morning the Malawian court turned down her adoption application. Whoops! The egg on her face!

The judge cited requirements that adoptive parents reside in the country for 18 to 24 months.

Madonna, 50, can appeal against the order. She adopted David Banda, 3, in 2006 without meeting the residency requirements, which caused outrage by non-governmental groups that felt she was using her celebrity status to bend the law. (Source)

Is Malawi seriously the only place Madonna can buy an orphan at? Clearly, they do not want her taking their nation's children. She should talk to Angelina Jolie's dealer or something. Or hell, for $50 grand I'll have a baby myself and sell it to Madonna. She can paint it brown and everything, just like the real thing. No one will even be able to tell the difference.

And the townspeople rejoice:

Doomed: (Adjective) Cause to have an unfortunate and inescapable outcome.

Remember how less than a month ago Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker said they were getting remarried, or renewing their vows or whatever? Well ... Surprise! They're not. Instead they decided to messily break up again. Spoiler alert! There was police involvement!

The couple -- who divorced in 2004 but reconciled last September after Barker's near-fatal plane crash -- called it quits "after a nasty fight broke out at his house last night and cops were called...[when] Shanna started freaking out and acting irrational," a source tells Us.

No charges were filed.

"Travis confronted Shanna about her having an affair with Gerard Butler while he was in the hospital recovering," the source says. Butler and Moakler were spotted getting cozy at the Hollywood opening of Shin Korean BBQ last October. (Source)

Right ... Gerard Butler and Shanna Moakler? Sure, why not. So what, George Clooney wasn't available? Oh wait, I think he was actually still dating that waitress from "Fear Factor" at the time. Uhhh, carry on.

Damage Control: (Noun) Action taken to limit the damaging effects of an accident or error.

TMX obtained photographic evidence of Chris Brown's latest attempt at repairing his image, by posing with the ladies basketball team at the University of Mary Washington in Virginia. I actually think this is a fantastic idea. Maybe next he can take it a step further and try for a photo op with the local campus militant lesbian feminist kickboxing team. I hear they just really love his music.

Dignity: (Noun) A sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.

What do you call this fuckery? Jesus woman, have some respect for yourself. I like Kathy Griffin and all, but she's one of those unfortunate people who doesn't understand the difference between good attention and bad attention. Paris Hilton, coincidentally, is another person who doesn't understand the difference between good attention and bad attention. But that's mostly because her brain doesn't understand nuanced concepts like there being more than one kind of something.

Deserving: (Adjective) Worthy of being treated in a particular way.

Good news and bad news, guys. I'll give you the good news first: Katherine Heigl is dying. Hooray! But, it's only on "Grey's Anatomy." Boo!

On the show, Izzie asked her interns do diagnose "Patient X" -- which they don't know is really her. Lexie (Chyler Leigh) discovers it's metastatic melanoma -- skin cancer -- and it's spread to her brain. (Which explains those hallucinations earlier this season of her dead ex Denny Ducette, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan.)

"The girl's pretty much toast," an intern says. "Survival rate is five percent," adds another. (Source)

All I can say is that she had damn well better not win an Emmy for this shit. That's pretty much the exact same reason why I always hoped Bush would never get assassinated, because then he would have gone down in history as Saint George the Tragic President instead of what he is today, Sad Sack Failure Man.

More of stupid Heigl in an ugly pantsuit and her stupid People's Choice award: