Bikini Parade: (Noun) A public procession celebrating women wearing scantily clad swimwear.

Holly Madison helped the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority earn a Guinness World Record for staging the world's largest bikini parade and pool party yesterday, with nearly 300 ladies marching down the Vegas strip. Incidentally, the people at the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority also won a Guinness World Record for having the best job ever.

Burn: Verb. Slang; to insult or disrespect someone.

In what was undoubtedly a glove slap to former boy toy, Alex Rodriquez of the New York Yankees, Madonna took her kids and current boy toy Jesus (pictured here wearing a Yankees hat) to a New York Mets game this weekend. Oooh. It's so on.

Madge took her kids, Lourdes, Rocco and David, to see the Mets play at Citi Field on Mother's Day, and just to rub salt in A-Rod's wounds, brought new flame Jesus Luz. The group sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats with Anderson Cooper, whom they'd partied with Saturday night at the Monkey Bar. (Source)

Nice try, but if she really wanted to get back at A-Rod, wouldn't she have taken Jesus to a Boston Red Sox game? I barely even know anything about baseball and even I know that. Or better yet, just project a reel of her and Jesus having sex on a wall outside of A-Rod's house. That Madonna sure is losing her touch in her old age.

Just for fun, more of Madonna in her ridiculous outfit and Jesus (not pictured together) at the Costume Gala last week:

Breeder: (Noun) An animal that breeds at a particular time or in a particular way.

Audrina Patridge is the latest face of PETA, appearing in a new ad encouraging people to adopt shelter animals. Since Audrina is a (A) retarded (B) famewhore, she overwhelmingly met both qualifications to become a PETA spokesmodel.

In a statement released by PETA, Patridge says, "Each year, 6 to 8 million unwanted dogs and cats are turned in to shelters, and half are killed because there aren't enough good homes. The solution is as easy as ABC - animal birth control. Always spay and neuter, and never buy from a pet store or a breeder." (Source)

That's a great statement, but what we could really use is a public figure advocating the spaying and neutering of "The Hills" castmembers. It's one thing to perpetuate stupidity, but quite another to start, you know, playing God with it. We've got one chance here, and after that our only hope is that some kind of Terminator figure comes back from the future to keep Heidi and Spencer from doing it.

More of Anorexrina and her retardical new tattoo at Paleyfest last night:

Beached: (Adjective) Of a whale or similar animal stranded out of the water.

Because Brooke Hogan hasn't given up on trying to convince people that she's (A) sexy and (B) a talented singer, here she is splayed out in a bikini at the beach to shoot a new music video for her "comeback" single, "Falling." Hey, a creepy blonde writhing around on a beach in a bikini! There's an interesting concept for a music video. I guess if it's good enough for Heidi Montag, right? Although, at least to Heidi's credit no one had to call in animal control during the filming of her video. Oh, except for during one of the earlier takes when she accidentally bit the head off a seagull. Talk about embarrassing!

More of yuck, and try to divert your eyes away from the black hole:

Balls: (Noun) Courage or nerve.

Nick Hogan was apparently granted a permit for "business-related" excursions last month, and of course, he's abusing it. TMZ caught him driving around in a black Range Rover on Monday night, and I'd only have to assume it's not "business-related" since A) he doesn't have a job and B) he's got a friend in the car with him. Also, how brave is that guy? The last person who sat passenger next to Nick Hogan got put into a permanent vegetative state and then had the pleasure of the entire Hogan family essentially taking a dump on his face. He may as well have jumped off the Empire State Building with a pair of wings he made out of tissues and popsicle sticks.

Background Check: (Noun) The process of looking up and compiling criminal records, commercial records and financial records of an individual.

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is firing back at having been fired from Sunday's episode of "Celebrity Apprentice," because, apparently there is currently a season of "Celebrity Apprentice" airing and apparently she's on it. I had no idea. Anyway, the reason for her firing was due to a past DUI incident:

By all indications, country star Clint Black was on the chopping block until Trump learned that Kardashian had missed some of the previous week's competition to go to a mandatory class regarding her DUI. "I hate people who drive under the influence," Trump said in the boardroom as he fired Kardashian. "I know three families who lost children to drunken driving.

"Kardashian took to her blog to defend herself yesterday. "It wasn't because of my work ethic, it wasn't because I was slacking," she writes, "It was because of my DUI. I don't think I should have been fired for that reason alone. I just wish Mr. Trump would have handled the situation a little differently." (Source)

Well, to her defense, it really is the employer's job to screen potential employees before hiring them, which includes a look into past criminal records. But then again, I don't know if she knows this, but "Celebrity Apprentice," is -- pssst -- not a real job. But since Khloe has never actually had, you know, a real job, I can see where this might be confusing for her.

Behemoth and the Behemettes at the Bravo A-List awards:

Bonkers: (Adjective) Mad; crazy.

Gary Coleman, champion of mental health, went off on a rant in the above clip about a part he was forced to take in some low-budget flick called Midgets vs. Mascots so he could, you know, keep a roof over his head and all. Coleman alleges that the film almost "cost him his relationship" with his creepy wife who he doesn't have sex with, and says that he's going to "bash his fists in his agent's face."

If you ask me, Gary Coleman is pretty much the quintessential case study on why it's harmful to overall development to exploit children on television. Well, scripted television anyway. Those kids who took starred on that delightful Lord of the Flies-esque reality show are probably gonna turn out just fine. I can't really think of any better way of preparing a youngster for adult life than by forcing them to kill a live chicken on national television. Kids these days have to learn, McNuggets don't just grow on trees, you know.

Bullshit: (Noun) Stupid or untrue talk or writing; nonsense.

Not content with milking publicity the usual way by posing for photoshoots at the grocery store or leaking homemade music videos on the internet, Spencer Pratt has decided to try his hand at a good ol' fashioned feud. His target? Lady Gaga:

"I can't get over that she is a huge pop icon of the world," Montag's beau Spencer Pratt dissed Friday on Q100 Atlanta's The Bert Show. "People are acting like she's the new Britney Spears ... I don't know even why this girl gets so much attention and press. I guess if you dress like a fool and have crazy, ridiculous haircuts, people start paying attention."

"People are calling Lady Gaga the pop princess, [so] what's Heidi - the pop queen?" he added. Asked to name five artists Montag is more talented than, Pratt said, "Madonna, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Christina Aguilera."

"I wouldn't even compare them to Heidi's level," he went on. "I am in the studio everyday with Heidi I know what's coming. I can make claims like that." (Source)

He's got to know he's full of shit, right? I mean, he's just got to. Heidi Montag's singing sounds like the death throes of a baby calf born with its brain on the outside of its skull. And that's probably being too kind. I guess it just gets to a point where admitting that your girlfriend can't sing is worse than being the tree that fell in the forest and no one was there so it didn't make a sound.

More of Heidi cramming a wad of meat into her gaping maw. And not the kind she does on a nightly basis, if you know what I mean:

Businesswoman: (Noun) A woman who works in business or commerce at an executive level.

Kendra Wilkinson, formerly thought of as "the stupidest person on planet earth," is proving to have more business savvy than anyone could have imagined. Not only is she starring in her own upcoming series, "Kendra," but she's also starting her own product line. Guess what it is?

"I'm coming out with my own stripper pole. Stripper pole, and stripper pole workout," The Girls Next Door star, 23, told Usmagazine.com at the American Red Cross Red Tie Affair in Santa Monica Saturday.

"It's like Carmen Electra's, but mine is better," she continued. "Mine will connect to the ceiling, and you can spin on it and do all that stuff on it." (Source)

I hope Carmen Electra isn't going to take that comment lying down. In the world of Playboy-models-turned-stripper-pole-entrepreneurs, saying that your pole is better than someone else's pole is pretty much like a white glove slap to the face. I don't know how they could resolve this issue, but my guess is that it would probably involve a baby pool and pudding. Or possibly mud.

Bad Girl: (Noun) A girl whose actions are typically unacceptable to her parents, society, etc.

And now, a random quote from Eliza Dushku. Why you won't see her hooking up with any Zac Efrons or Joe Jonases anytime soon:

"I like guys who play hard and have calluses on their hands. Any guy who's been raised in a bubble hasn't lived enough for me. Scars and broken body parts and tattoos are hot." (Source)

Hmm... I know someone who has scars and tattoos who would be just perfect for Eliza Dushku. Just one thing, how married is she to the whole "guy" part of the equation? Not that I'm gay exactly... But I'd go temporarily gay for Eliza Dushku. Maybe even if it was just to remind myself that I don't really like it. Kind of how I am about eating cottage cheese. In theory it always sounds good -- low in fat, high in protein -- but then you're like, yuck it's still cottage cheese. That's like what Eliza Dushku is. Really, really smoking hot cottage cheese.

Promoting "Dollhouse" for Hulu:

Believable: (Adjective) (Of an account or the person relating it) able to be believed; credible.

In Mario Lopez Is The Gayest Gay Who Ever Gayed news... Yup, still gay! On finding "Mrs. Right": (*stifles laughter*)

"I am in a very serious relationship with my show Extra! She's great," he told Usmagazine.com at Cosmopolitan magazine's Fun Fearless Male Awards in Beverly Hills Monday night. "She's there everyday!"

"I'm not really working on trying to find Ms. Right," he went on. "I'm kind of working on being Mr. Right, and it will happen." (Source)

I don't know how much longer he can go on like this, making these kind of sad, pathetic excuses. He would sound more convincing than this trying to bluff his way through a game of poker with a hand full of UNO cards.

Businessman: (Noun) A man who works in business or commerce, esp. at an executive level.

Kevin Federline, who's biggest achievement to date is getting Britney Spears knocked up (twice!) is planning to try his hand at entrepreneurship by starting his very own childrens' clothing line.

"It's a really tough business, I'm trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans," said the rapper, who receives $20,000 a month in child support from ex Britney Spears.

"You buy your kids a pair of True Religions then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone," he went on. "With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable." (Source)

I literally had to rub my eyes in disbelief after reading this. Yeah, because jeans under $200 for kids are so hard to come by these days. It's called Gap Kids, you horse's ass. Boys jeans cost like $30 bucks there. What's K Fed going to invent next, some kind of revolutionary yet affordable tissue paper that you wipe your ass with? Because in these tough economic times, not everyone can afford to do it with $100 bills anymore.

K Fat out with the kids and girlfriend Victoria Prince in LA recently:

Bitter: (Adjective) Angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences.

Whenever I see pictures of Madonna's daughter Lourdes lately, I can't help noticing what a knockout she's turning into. Apparently I'm not the only one, because Madonna has also taken notice. No, not like that. Gross. I mean she's jealous as shit of her.

"I think Madonna can't stand that Lourdes is growing into a beautiful teen," a source tells OK! of the 50-year-old singer. "She seems envious of her youth and looks. She knows Lourdes is going to be gorgeous and will get the attention of the opposite sex. Knowing Madonna's taste for younger guys, it's a matter of course that they'll be dating men the same age. It's disturbing." (Source)

Yup, I've seen this story play out all too many times, and it's not pretty. That's because it usually involves seven dwarves and a poison apple. My advice to Lourdes is to run.

The fairest of them all in NYC last summer:

Backup: (Noun) A person or thing that can be called on if necessary; a reserve.

Good news for Jennifer Aniston! If John Mayer doesn't want to settle down with her, there's someone else who will! And he wants to rock her world.

If things don’t work out with Mayer, Aniston has a second singing suitor waiting in the wings: “Rock of Love” bad boy Bret Michaels.

“Bret is really crushing on Jen,” a pal of Michaels confides. “He says she’s the kind of girl you can have a good time with, but can still take home to Mom.” (Source)

God. That's like the same exact thing he says on "Rock of Love." I swear, Bret Michaels is the most uncreative person ever. It amazes me that he wrote "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on his own and even that is like the most redundant song ever. Anyway, I think he's out of luck this time because last time I checked Jennifer Aniston was just desperate, not outright fucking suicidal.

More of Fat Arms McGruff playing at the Palms last week:

Boy Toy: (Noun) A young man who offers himself as a sex object for women.

In other news, Madonna is still banging her pet model, Jesus Luz. The two were seen in New York City's meatpacking district this weekend, supposedly while celebrating Jesus' 22nd birthday. So what is a reasonably attractive 22-year-old getting out of "servicing" a dried up old piece of jerky like Madonna?

Since being linked to Madonna, it's perhaps no surprise Jesus's modeling career has been given a huge boost.

His former agent Sergios Mattos, who runs 40 Graus Models, told the New York Post that Jesus stopped taking his calls after meeting Madonna and has now signed to the more high-profile Ford Models. (Source)

So incredible fame and fortune and all you have to do is help Madonna exercise the ol' kegels now and then? Well to be fair, I guess Satan just isn't buying up souls as much these days, with the economy the way it is.