Dustin: August 2008 Archives
Just sos you know, Samantha Ronson wasn't Lindsay's first go around the old pink triangle -- she's had a previous girl-toy, and she was a looker, if by "looker" you mean she had no chin. (IDLYITW)Is it just me, or is Tori Spelling trying to create a walk-through maze out of her cleavage? You could take a left turn and get lost. (Yeeeah!)
You've seen the pictures, the videos, and the ads. You've suffered the hype. Now, here's the review of that ScarJo/Penelope Cruz threesome flick. (Pajiba)
Nothing fancy here, just a girl in a bikini. (The Blemish)
Is it just me, or do Jason Biggs and his wife look suspiciously alike? (Celebitchy)
You remember Taylor Townsend from "The O.C."? The prudish girl? Yeah. She's posing for Maxim now. On a car, of course. Sounds about right. (Agent Bedhead)
More pictures of Suri Cruise than you could ever possible wonk ... want. (Seriously! OMG!)
Because I couldn't let a few blurry photos of Ellen and Portia's wedding get by us. (Celebwarship)
Here's why men should be wary of the uneven bars in the Olympics. Yee-ikes. (OMG Blog)
Bat Shit Salad (Noun) Refers to the insane goddamn gibberish that crazy has-been celebrities spew forth in an effort to draw attention to themselves. Roseann Barr, who I once had a modicum of respect for, has taken to her blog in an effort, one can only assume, to gain quick entrance into VH1's next celebreality television show, "Celebrity Asylum." Indeed, only a couple of months after suggesting that Barack Obama is "an empty suit selling 'hope' in lieu of Truth" who supports "corporate racist anti worker bullshit," she has now seen fit to go after Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in a post addressed to Jon Voight:
Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (Source)It takes a special kind of crazy to force me into a position of supporting Jolie and Pitt, but give me a fucking break: $3 million is a helluva lot more than Barr donates with her nonexistent career (last television appearance, "My Name is Earl," two years ago), and it's not like they don't make enough money to support their children, whereas Barr has five children of her own (from four marriages) who I imagine will wreak a lot more white-trash havoc on the Earth than a few adopted African children. And as to the "violent, psychopathic movies"? Wasn't she in one of the Nightmare on Elm Street flicks? And given the amount of plastic surgery she's undergone in her lifetime, calling someone else "vacuous" is rich. Real fucking rich.
Point being: If you're going to talk shit about celebrities, Roseanne, pick someone worthy of scorn, like say: Spencer and Heidi, who donate nothing but stupidity to humanity. At least Jolie and Pitt make an effort, while Roseanne resorts to pointless, foam-at-the-mouth drivel. Why don't you go sell that bat-shit salad to someone who gives a damn.
Go shit in a can, lady.
Fat-Bottomed Girls (Noun) Refers to women who make the rockin' world go round.Lotsa love, Alanis. And believe you me, I totally understood the first 30 pounds of weight gain. It was the inevitable result of an all-too tragic break-up. But as a friend, and by friend, I mean a guy who bought your last album, I'm getting a little worried now. Also, a modest suggestion: Invest in looser pants. I don't mean to speak ill, A, but you may be a fine candidate for Ass Away!
It comes from a place of concern, A. I swear it.
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Weenie Shrinker. Noun. The opposite of boner inducing; something or someone so atrociously unsexy that it causes shrinkage in the male area. So, when did dressing in drag become synonymous with scaring the holy bejesus out of small children? If Christopher Nolan is looking to cast The Penguin in the next Batman, he might consider Maxi Shield (above), where erections go to die.
Here's some more blinding pics from last night's Drag Industry Variety Awards:
Cushion for the Pushin' (Expression) A term used to describe a particularly shape and large posterior, usually found on attractive, voluptuous women. But what most people are missing is a more obvious point, at least from what can be gleaned from the before and after photos above, and that is: She actually looked better with a little meat on her bones. And I'm not just saying that to win brownie points from our average-sized female readers. I legitimately mean it: She looked better when her body could actually hold up a bikini. Now, her head looks too big for her body, her chest has lost its bang-zoom, and her fab-ass isn't nearly as fab. My apologies for borrowing a phrase from our misogynistic brethren, but she's lost that cushion for the pushin'.
But more than that, she's sold out to the very idea that she once rebelled against: That you have to be 36 x 26 x 36 to succeed, at least to the extent that her minimal talent allows. J. Love is a pretty woman, but she was a lot prettier when she was a woman and not a poster girl for waifism.
Masturbate (Verb) Something you should never, ever, EVER have to picture Ernest Borgnine doing. No. Never. Uncool. NOT COOL. Fuck. Jesus. There go my Cheerios. JESUS. Here comes last night's Chinese. Bitch. This is why old people shouldn't be allowed to speak in public. Like, ever. Mother FUCK. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.
Adrian Grenier mourns the loss of his girlfriend by getting his freak on. (Celebslam)It's not that Pam and Tommy have broken up, it's that they're fucking other people. (Celebitchy)
Strip Poker: The Video. (OMG Blog)
Headline of the Day: "You Know How I Know That You're Gay? You're Zac Efron." Zing. (Yeeeah!)
My favorite line in Tropic Thunder -- Robert Downey, Jr.: "We're all gay sometimes." Now, if I can just line up my "sometimes" with his "sometimes." Oh, and here's the review. (Pajiba)
Speaking of: what kind of self-respecting man could have a possible mancrush list excluding the dreamy eyes of Robert Downey or the dreamy abs of Ryan Reynolds? Come on! (BestWeekEver)
Jennifer Love Hewitt is proud of her figure, damnit! That's why she just lost 18 lbs. Boo! (Celebrity Smack)
Because who doesn't love to see Bob Saget have a meltdown? (The Blemish)
Marilyn Manson no longer star of The Dope Show, now star of Creep Show. (Seriously OMG!)
Asplode (Verb) to self-combust or become structurally compromised in a most likely spontaneous manner. Lauren Conrad, seen above, walking, texting, and drinking soda simultaneously. Not seen: Four seconds later when her overtaxed brain asplodes and rains a pretty pink mist down upon a West Hollywood sidewalk.
Cornhole (Noun) The crusty ring found upon entry to the anal area or a word used to indicate a class of person worthy of backing over while in your car, and then driving over with in forward gear.It wasn't funny enough two years back when CBS recruited an African American family for its reality show, "The Amazing Race" with the last name of Black ("the Black family was the last team to check in at the pit stop"), but now ABC is recruiting, for its reality program, "Wife Swap," "Cornhole Fanatics!" This paragraph wins the award for unintentionally funniest casting call of all time.
The hit reality show, “Wife Swap,” is doing a national casting call for the ULTIMATE Cornhole Family to represent the sport on the show! We are looking for fun, outgoing and entertaining families with big personalities that love to play Cornhole - and who would be excited to share their lifestyle with another deserving family! (Source)Wife swapping and cornholing! ABC is one kinky fucking network. Maybe they can find the Bukkake family during casting.
Tchotchke (Noun) A term was long used in the Jewish-American community and in the regional speech of New York City, it refers to trinkets, small toys, knickknacks, baubles, or kitsch.These pics just reinforce my long-held opinion of Keri Russell -- she is gorgeous. Beautiful. Extremely pleasing to the eye. But even with the ... er ... cold, she has zero sexual allure. She's like a cute, ceramic tchotchke you put up on the mantle. Admire, but never touch.
Spy (Noun) a secret watcher; someone who secretly watches other people and secretly collects sensitive or classified information or otherwise engages in espionage. Holy Shit! The government just released over 750,000 documents from the National Archives, and among those documents were 35,000 personnel files, which revealed a super-secret spy network created by FDR, the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), which later went on to become the CIA. And you'll never guess who was a fucking spy for the OSS?
Julia Child.
Yeah. That Julia Child.The doddering, world-famous chef. She was a spy! She used to collect information for the United States government. How crazy is that? And up until now, secret members of the OSS were never allowed to admit it, and now her family can share all of what they know. I wonder if she poisoned Russians with her food? I bet she was a sexy minx who lured people back with her lycra pants and souffles, where she choked them to death with her thighs!
Julie Child! So cool.
Idiots (Noun) Bloggers. Or Brooke Hogan. I can't tell.
A confession: Aside from what I glance at when I occasionally post about her, or from what my WIMB colleague writes, I don't know shit about Brooke Hogan. She's Hulk's daughter, and she wears a lot of bikinis. And her Dad likes to play in her crack. That's the extent of my knowledge on the subject. That is, until I ran across this post on her blog, which I'm guessing sums her up pretty well. Here's some tasty excerpts:
First of all lets address my 'voting" comment- first of all opinions are like (you know whats)-everyone has one. I decided to make a very blunt comment. Notice how i said "I know IIIIII couldn't do it cause I'd be pms-ing and freaking out all the time" ....Honestly I'd LOVE to meet a woman with NO emotional problems....but thats not the point...but its true. LOL Second- Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its "cool " to vote for so and so...they aren't even up to date on information. I'M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don't wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said "yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!" ...SHE WASN'T EVEN REGISTERED. seriously.
What the fuck is she saying? Halfway through that paragraph, my brain jumped out of my skull and slapped the shit out of me for making me read it. Has she ever taken a grammar class? Has she ever attended any class? There's ample evidence therein suggesting that certain people should be kept away from not only the voting booth, but a keyboard.
But, here's my favorite excerpt:
I hate blogs but I love mine. Cause I can be F-in REAL with people!!!! ,,, [Bloggers] are teaching our young generation how to be catty , obtain false ways of thinking and wrong ways of treating people...not to mention giving them horrible self image to look up to and horrible life choices that they are being taught to make led by an example from IDIOTS.
Let me just reiterate the last line: "They are being taught to make led by an example from IDIOTS."
Is English her second language, or am I so big of an IDIOT that I just can't make sense of her eloquence? Ask Brooke what irony means, she'll tell you, "Of or relating to the taste of iron."
Hubba Hubba (Expression) An expression of appreciation or approval with a strong (good) sexual connotation.
Steve Martin Syndrome (Condition) Describes someone with the unfortunate condition in which he looks 50 when he's 28, but fortunately, still looks 50 when he's 75. In other words, a person who perpetually looks 50.You know it's a slow news day around here when we're resorting to birthday shout-outs, but this one is special, if only because, if you're like me, you will be floored to learn John Slattery's real age. Also: Let's be honest, who doesn't want an excuse to feature pics of this piece of tail from "Mad Men." Anyway, I'm not sure when I first saw John Slattery -- probably around eight years ago in "Ed" or "Sex and the City," but the dude has always looked 50 years old. And you get the feeling, he's probably got Steve Martin Snydrome. Or you would, anyway, if you realized that today he merely turns 45, making him the oldest looking 45 year old in Hollywood. Also, the best looking 45 year old in Hollywood.
And here's a couple of pics of Slattery, and because I'm feeling generous, a couple of his co-star on "Mad Men," Christina Hendricks, who makes my knees weak.
Downgrade (Adjective) When someone goes from having something relatively good to something that is worse than the original.Eesh. Jena Malone was so cute in Step-Mom, wasn't she? And kind of cool in Saved! And you'd like to think this is because of a role she's filming, but she's already got one film in the can and nothing else upcoming.
I know how it is, though. You have one of those days where your hair is annoying the hell out of you, but the only thing more unappealing is spending 45 minutes with your hairdresser, who is guaranteed to drone on about Paris or Lindsay and you're all, "Like I don't get enough of that shit at home." So, you take out the only thing you have -- a pair of dog clippers you bought once because you thought it'd be easier than taking the mutt to Petsmart every four weeks (it wasn't) -- and then you start working at your beautiful flowing locks, backwards in the mirror, and before you know it, a chia pet has shat on your head.
I'll tell Jena what my old man always used to tell me: "It'll grow out. Eventually. Until such time as it does, invest in hat. You're not the fucking lead singer of Rancid. Now take out the trash you little shit."
Hey! Here's a place you don't want to dine. A restaurant that specializes in penis. (OMG)Number 19 in the Top 20 Seasons of the Last 20 Years revealed. (Pajiba)
You like pics of 7th-grade boys in bikinis? Here's some Kate Bosworth. Get some. (Yeeeah!)
Who doesn't want a condom that sheathes your penis and allows you to meld with your woman's pubus? That's hot. (BWE)
Sienna Miller finally wins my sympathy. It's one thing to covet attention, but when a celeb starts to weep, leave her the fuck alone already. (DListed)
Ian Ziering is obviously crushed that he didn't get asked to be on the new "90210" show. (Seriously? OMG!)
Britney's mom releases a book, continues to get a return on her womb investment. (The Blemish)
If your fun bags look like this right after giving birth, you're doing it wrong. (Celebwarship)
Julie Stiles breaks-up with her man, eats. In that order. (Bricks and Stones)
Man-Crush Killer (Noun) A thin strip of bushy hair that resides between the nose and upper lip of a once attractive celebrity male. Oh Gawd! Oh Gawd! Shave it off. Shave it off! Ewww. Ewww. Yucky! Icky. Get rid of it. Jesus. Can somebody slap the shit out of him with some Nair? Uncool. NOT COOL. Abort. Abort. Fail. Fail. Exnay on the Ornpay Stache. Yeeeeiiiiikes.
Day ruined.
That's So Raven (Expression) Exclamation used when someone has had a psychic encounter and now
wishes to kill herself because she realizes that she is a terribly
annoying actress. Also, what the fuck is she wearing?
Swoll (Adjective) Short for swollen; muscular; jacked; ripped.Woah. The fuck? Underneath all the hoodies and nice, ironed tucked-in shirts that Reese makes him wear, Jake is one swoll motherfucker. That's some A.C. Slater shit right there. Dayumm. Where you been hiding them rips, boy? With pecs like that, people are bound to forget that you make for a lousy Prince of Persia. Jacked? Yes. Middle Eastern. Hell to the nuh uh. Forgiven? Absolutely.
Lara Croft (Fictional) A fictional character and the protagonist of the Tomb Raider video game series.Here is Alison Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. She's the new face of Lara Croft, the fictional character in the computer game series Tomb Raider. And you know what's cool about hiring a former gymnast to be the face of Lara Croft? She can make the same poses that you make with your Lara Croft action-figure doll when you're imagining yourself hittin' that. The difference? Alison Carrol will still reject you, while your action-figure will always love you.
Star Wattage (Adjective) Refers to the relative popularity of a celebrity -- the higher the wattage, the more that celebrity will shine!I often like to predict the box-office success of a particular film based on the popularity of the celebrities who attend a film's premiere. And for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, here's your star wattage: Seth Green! I predict a $6 million opening.
And here's the rest, a bunch of no-name celebrities at the premiere (is that Holly Robinson? "21 Jumpstreet"! Holla).
Laughable (Adjective) absurd: incongruous; inviting ridicule; amusing: arousing or provoking laughter. It's amazing the advances they've made with Photoshop -- not only have they managed to erase the traces of fetal alcohol syndrome that Eli Manning's face generally exhibits, but they've also zapped the perpetual "Aw, shucks" boneheaded expression that he carries around with him like a burden.
Still, the idea of Eli Manning looking fashionable or even somehow belonging on the pages of Vogue, even Men's Vogue, as some wet-behind-the-ears member of the Jersey mafioso is laughable. Dude looks about as tough and intimidating as a drunk kitten stumbling toward a milk bowl.
The kitten probably has a better spiral.
Cranial Rectal Syndrome (Condition) A medical condition where a moronic person has their Cranium
lodged/inserted through their own Rectal cavity. The Cranium can get as
far as the end of the Duodenum, which has been cited in a number of
cases. I don't really know what form of Cranial Rectal Syndrome the jackass who decided to bring back "90210" has, but while the idea of putting "Arrested Development's" Jessica Walters and even "Full House's" Lori Laughlin into the cast, along with some of the old faces (Jennie Garth, Shannon Doherty, and Tori Spelling), is intriguing, I want to punch the rest of the cast in the neck (save for the token black guy) because they look like they deserve it. Look at them (thumbnails below); try to stare at their smug, overly pretty visages for more than 15 seconds without working up a red-hot anger.
You know that six-shooter you've kept hidden from your family and friends, the one hidden behind the grate in your bathroom. It's time to go get it. Make yourself useful. I'm not encouraging you to murder anyone or anything. I'm just not discouraging it, if you get my drift.
Ben or Noel? The ultimate question lives on. 
Fierce(ish) (Adjective) Part fierce (bold, daring, cool), part ish (kind of lame, inappropriate, and ill fitting).Hey! Y'all remember when Kate Hudson was this cute, unassuming actress who starred in bland, formulaic but mostly harmless romantic comedies? Yeah. Let's keep it that way, Kate. This is not really a good look for you; why don't you leave these pics to the amateurs in the audition rounds of "America's Top Model."
Rock Your Face Off (Expression) What Ben Folds' new video, "Hiroshima" will do to you -- feel it slip off your skull, folks. Beware of nether tingles. There's blood on the keyboard. Oh my God.
Littly Piggy (Noun) Child's slang for digits -- fingers or toes. Speculative word on the nets says that Shia LaBeouf, who recently experienced a car accident while driving drunk that crushed one of his hands, may actually need to have a pinky finger amputated, which is gonna throw a whole lotta havoc into production of Transformers 2. It also reminds me of fun little nursery rhyme which seems appropriate here. It goes:
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy went home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went ... (*cricket chirps*)
The lesson here? Don't become famous, because even when minor tragedy strikes, we're going to make fun of you if you're a douchebag.
Piece of Work (Noun)A person whose stupidty and ignorance never fails to amaze you. You know what's completely messed up about the very unfortunate car accident that Morgan Freeman experienced over the weekend? I was perusing the wire today, when I spotted a story written by the goddamn Associated Press, which focused on the other woman in Freeman's car, writing, "the woman who was injured along with Morgan Freeman in a weekend car accident apparently is a friend of the Oscar-winning actor who had offered him a ride home" (italics mine).
Uh. Listen here, Holbrook Morh. When someone says that the woman in Freeman's car is a friend, that means she is a friend. I don't like what you're implying here, asshole. This is Morgan Fucking Freeman, you jackass. Dude's been married to the same woman for nearly 25 years, and there is no reason in the ever-loving world for you to imply anything illicit. We're not talking about a coked-up starletard here; we're talking about a 71-year-old Oscar-winning actor who could have you killed. What? A guy can't have another woman in his car -- a woman who is, by all accounts, a friend of the family, and an avid gardener -- without some dipshit AP writer trying to parlay a job over on TMZ? The man is in serious condition, and you're calling into question his faithfulness to his wife. Real nice, douchewand. You're a piece of work, dipshit.
Egg On Your Face (Expression) To be extremely embarrassed. Usually the embarrassment is the result of one's own actions.
Update: Hell! It appears that Morgan Freeman and his wife are actually getting a divorce. My apologies to Holbrook Mohr for calling him a dipshit; I clearly was not as prescient as he. You win again, Holbrook! I'm going to go an wipe the egg off my face now.
Walk (Verb) the act of traveling by foot.Can I just ask this? And I don't mean to be a total dick here, but how old is Violet now? She's like 15 right? A teenager or something? It's celebrity kid years, right, so she's at least menstruating by now, right? I mean, look at her. She must be at least three feet tall by now, maybe 35 or 40 pounds of cuteness. But what I wanna know is, WHY DOESN'T SHE WALK? Every picture I see of her invariably has her mom holding her. Are her legs gimped? Is she lazy? Does her mother think she's too good to put two feet on the pavement?
Cause I gotta kid half of Violet's size, and he's heavy. If I had a choice I wouldn't carry his ass every fucking time the paparazzi took pictures of us (which is, like, all the time). I'd let the little bug walk unless, of course, I was pregnant, and though everyone in the world knew I was pregnant, I was still feigning secrecy, and I was using my child as a human shield.Because if you don't let your kid walk, their legs atrophy. And fall off. And we don't want that to happen to cute little Violet. Let us plea: Let Violet Walk! Let Violet Walk!
Beard Comb Over (Noun) The act of covering a bald head by combing the beard up the side of the face and over the top of the naked part of the head.We see right through you, Peter. We see what you're going for. Why don't you just not, OK. Just don't. Shave the beard. Shave that face-beaver off. Allow nature to happen. And just pray that you can hold on to Maggie better than you can hang on to that once glorious head of hair.
Ultimatum (Noun) A final statement of terms made by one party to another.Jennifer Aniston, currently robbing the pansy, white boy rocker cookie jar, met up with John Mayer a few weeks ago during a break in his tour and laid down the law with the boy, telling him that it was high time he moved his skinny little ass in and maybe started thinking about buying her a rock. According to super-secret, CIA counterspy double-agent sources, Mayer said that, "while he’s not against it in principle, they have to give it time.'
Hey now! Time is the last thing that Aniston has. While 30-year-old adolescent who sings about rolling up tiny balls of napkin paper may have all the time in the world, Ms. Aniston only has a few cycles left on those eggs of hers before they shrivel up and turn to fairie dust. And if she doesn't spit out a kid RIGHT FUCKING NOW, how will she ever be able to hold her head up around Brad and that robot-killing, high-tech baby-spitting vagina of his?
Tick tock.
Traveling Pants (Noun) Magical jeans equipped to fit any body type (under 175 pounds), which guarantee the wearer temporary bliss in the form of a fleeting relationship with a television actor of minor notoriety.
Hey look everybody! It’s Cramblyn! The newest celebrity super-couple, a couple with so much star wattage, you can’t look at them directly without going blind (to avoid eye damage, please only look at the above photo with your peripheral vision). David Cross, star of Alvin and the Chipmunks and Amber Tamblyn, of “Joan of Arcadia” fame have been dating now for several months, though they have been able to maintain the super-duper secrecy of their relationship by carefully not sending out press releases to the media (there was that one, but it was on a Friday, when no one was paying attention). Now that the press has discovered that they’re dating, I’m sure their pictures will be plastered on all the celebrity gossip blogs, so long as they are standing near Brad Pitt or Britney Spears (and the photog isn’t using that pesky zoom button).
How did this unlikely pair meet, you ask? It had a little something to do with an ill-fitting pair of Traveling Pants, which Amber wore with the hopes of meeting her soul mate. She didn’t actually meet her soul mate, but she did meet David Cross, after he caught her wearing the pants during a shower and realized that the two of them shared a common bond: They were never-nudes. The two aren’t planning to have children yet, but once Tamblyn has fully exhausted the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants franchise, and David Cross’ “Arrested Development” hipster cred fades, they hope to be able to have a child so that they can sell the rights to his or her first photos to People magazine for a whopping $14 and some change, which they will need to purchase a box of diapers.
Congrats, Cramblyn.
Hey look everybody! It’s Cramblyn! The newest celebrity super-couple, a couple with so much star wattage, you can’t look at them directly without going blind (to avoid eye damage, please only look at the above photo with your peripheral vision). David Cross, star of Alvin and the Chipmunks and Amber Tamblyn, of “Joan of Arcadia” fame have been dating now for several months, though they have been able to maintain the super-duper secrecy of their relationship by carefully not sending out press releases to the media (there was that one, but it was on a Friday, when no one was paying attention). Now that the press has discovered that they’re dating, I’m sure their pictures will be plastered on all the celebrity gossip blogs, so long as they are standing near Brad Pitt or Britney Spears (and the photog isn’t using that pesky zoom button).
How did this unlikely pair meet, you ask? It had a little something to do with an ill-fitting pair of Traveling Pants, which Amber wore with the hopes of meeting her soul mate. She didn’t actually meet her soul mate, but she did meet David Cross, after he caught her wearing the pants during a shower and realized that the two of them shared a common bond: They were never-nudes. The two aren’t planning to have children yet, but once Tamblyn has fully exhausted the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants franchise, and David Cross’ “Arrested Development” hipster cred fades, they hope to be able to have a child so that they can sell the rights to his or her first photos to People magazine for a whopping $14 and some change, which they will need to purchase a box of diapers.
Congrats, Cramblyn.
A Man's Man (Expression) A man who is popular among men, often because he'll eat crackers out of their ass or provide a reach-around during manly fishing trips.Whatever. I'd totally go on a fishing trip with NPH. Afterward, we could drink manly beers and watch some manly football. Then we could kill some small animals and eat them raw. With our teeth. Then we'd go to the hardware store and buy some power tools, cause that's what manly men do. And after that, we'd watch something incredibly manly, like Lethal Weapon 2, while eating Manwich sloppy joes. Then we'd make sweet manly love* on a bearskin rug made from a bear we choked with our bare, manly hands. Because that's how well roll, NPH and I.
*Editor's Note: I'm not gay, I only pretend to be gay in furtherance of the occasional semi-amusing blog post. Seriously. I'm married. I have a kid and everything.
Pegged Jeans (Style) Notable style of wearing jeans in the 1980s, involved folding the bottom of your jeans leg over, then rolling it up, so that they appeared "pegged." Other regional expressions for the same style included "pinch rolled" and, in my neck of the woods, "prep rolled," referring to the kind of douches who used to wear their jeans in such a way. Women who wore their jeans this way often also had Jordache purses.
Doughtnut (Noun) Sweet, rounded baked good, typically glazed with a sweet maple flavored frosting. It is a cursed fried cyclops‘I told him he could have me or a model without a brain. The obsession with weight today is just incredible. Curves have gone out of the window and I don’t understand it." (Source)
Woah! She looks like that on a doughnut diet? Where can I get some of those doughnuts? The damn things go straight to my thighs, but then again, I'm a firm believer in the old maxim, "A dozen doughnuts are better than one." Especially those Krispy Kreme confections. I mean, you get one for free just for stopping in -- you're kind of obligated to buy a dozen, right? And those things go stale in about an hour and a half, so you really have to scarf them. That's why I invented the Krispy Kreme triple decker sandwich -- smash three KK doughnuts together, put them somewhere in the vicinity of your mouth, bite, swallow, repeat, enjoy!
Seriously: Anna Friel is hot.
Wishful Thinking (Belief) The formation of beliefs and making
decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by
appealing to evidence or rationality.Please. Pretty please? Pretty please with a light and super compact, Beretta semi-automatic pistol, loaded with the safety off on top?
Pretty (Adjective) Having the eye-pleasing qualities, but lacking in everything else including normal thought processes.
More pics from the Teen Choice Awards, after the cut.
The Dishes Are Done, Man (Expression) From Christina Applegate's "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead" yelled by her little brother after destroying the dishes with a skeet shooter. It means, literally, "the dishes are done."I've always had a fondness for Christina Applegate, and not just because she has nice hooters. I grew up on Kelly Bundy, of course, but since the 80s, Applegate has quietly turned in a series of performances that are far better than the material she was given (most recently, her middling sitcom, "Samantha Who?" a sitcom that I nevertheless suffered through several times just to see the underappreciated Applegate work).
Sadly, it was reported this weekend that Applegate has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately, it was caught early, and she is expected to have a full recovery. She is anxious to get back to acting, which reminds me, of course, of her greatest role to date, that of Sue Ellen Crandal. The dishes are done, man!:
You recognize that trailer? Yeah. You're fucking old.
Huey Lewis (Personality) Not quite a deity, but worshiped by many. Best of all, you don't need a credit card to ride the train. Can I just say this: While I loathe most remakes, and it troubles me to no end that the current generation is trashing all of our generation's hard work (see, e.g., The Breakfast Club JCPenny's ad), I still absolutely love that we live in a world where we can occasionally dust off a few old relics and drag them back out in daylight for a weekend or two. And Huey Lewis is definitely one of those guys who needs to have his music -rediscovered by the up-and-coming stoners (he performs a soundtrack number for Pineapple Express). It wasn't groundbreaking, particularly original, or in any way great music. But he and the News were fun, melodic as hell, and well aware of themselves. Huey Lewis really was hip to be square. (Sidenote: My first ever cassette was Huey Lewis' Sports album).
And whatever happened to blue-collar music, anyway? Fucking manufactured bullshit these days from shit-sticks who don't know the value of a goddamn dollar. Pffff. Now, get off my fucking lawn.
Looking good, Huey: You haven't aged a day.
Creeps My Shit (Expression) Refers to something or someone that is utterly creepy and scares you, makes you cringe, makes you cry, and makes you defecate in your pants. PBS has apparently made the decision to yank the old children's favorite, "Mister Rogers Neighborhood" from the air during the week on its members stations, and only allow them to air it once, on the weekends. The action, however, has ruffled a few feathers, specifically a website launched to protest the action, Save Mister Rogers Neighborhood.
But you know: I totally understand the reverence that a lot of parents have for Mister Rogers, having grown up on the guy. But I have to side with PBS here, and not just because Mister Rogers, in general, creeps my shit. I feel like he's terribly outdated, and that his brand of effusive kindness and generosity are the sort of characteristics that, passed on to toddlers, will get them beat up in junior high. The sweaters, the creepy soft-voice, the earnestness -- I want my kid to grow up to be a good guy, you know, but I don't want him to be a pushover. Does Mister Rogers even have a sense of humor? Or was he just a weird guy that sang about removing his shoes and hung out a little too much with the mailman?
And you know what -- I know its sacrilege to say as much, but viewed in a certain context, Mister Rogers can be a condescending prick. It's like, "Yeah -- dude. I know how to tie my fucking shoes. Stop talking to me like I'm mentally handicapped. And answer the fucking door, old man."
No disrespect, of course.