Litely Salted

Jennifer Love Hewitt Carves Another Notch Into the Loney Post of Her Sadness Bed

2010-03-13T18:30:00Z

In a surprising twist that no one could have ever seen coming unless you have an understanding of past events and how they relate to the future, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have ended their annoying, year long relationship.

Though some in the blogosphere called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

When Kennedy first confirmed the romance in March 2009, he told Ryan Seacrest during a radio interview, "I'm in love!" Describing his costar on Ghost Whisperer, Kennedy said: "It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you're like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.' " (Source)

I guess he left out her other awesome qualities such as having the cognitive maturity of a 12-year-old and being emotionally retarded in every other possible facet of her being. Maybe next time he can save himself the trouble and just find a nice girl with full-on Downs Syndrome. If he can find one that makes a good "pasta fagioli" anyway.

Snaps: Yup, Two Ryan Reynolds Shirtless Pics In A Week. You're Welcome

2010-03-12T21:00:00Z

Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. In the same movie. Together. This link is made of so much win, it's insane. (Pajiba)

Here's Alice Eve from "She's Out Of Your League", or as it was originally called, "Let's distract stupid people for two hours". (Yeeeah!)

Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston are ~~dating~~ ~~not dating~~ ~~dating~~ ~~not dating~~ DATING! (The Blemish)

Oh christ, Matthew McConaughey and his son are just too freaking cute. (Seriously? OMG!)

Chloe Sevigny says she loves being a gay icon. Ummmmm...You're not. (Celebitchy)

Christoph Waltz's favourite part about being famous? Free blowjobs from random groupies. (Celebslam)

Ryan Gosling wrote an angry letter to McDonald's, and not just because their food is fucking terrible. (HollyWire)

Awwww, Jessica Simpson got a new puppy! Let's just hope she doesn't use it to clean her teeth. (CelebSmack)

And in other J-Simps news, Billy Corgan is trying (and failing) very hard to get into her sexual napalm. (Evil Beet)

Haha, it's funny because Chris Brown ran his stupid career into the ground. (Allie Is Wired)

Taylor Momsen Wants To Be A Terrible Singer

2010-03-12T20:00:00Z

Taylor Momsen, that stupid, self-centered whore from Gossip Girl who cares more about her shitty career than the people of Haiti, is apparently tired of acting and wants to start a career in music because being an actress is just soooooo conformist, while performing crappy music for a corporately-owned record label is totally punk rock. Whatever, Taylor Momsen.

"Music is where I can be me," she said. "I really do it because I love it, honestly. It's what I want to do with my life. I mean, it's my only goal.
"Acting is easy. I've been doing it for so long and I totally love it. But you're playing a character instead of yourself. Music is more personal because you're writing it and you're involved in every step of it." (Source)

Oh shut up, Taylor Momsen. You're just mad because you're a terrible actress on a terrible show and no one likes you because you're a whiney, self-involved brat. Go be a good little D-list prostitot and make a crappy, mass-produced album while you continue to tell yourself that you're so anti-establishment. At least that all that money you make will help pay for your stay at a methadone clinic.

Madonna Is Good At Marriage Now

2010-03-12T18:30:00Z

For reasons completely beyond me, someone on Jerry Seinfeld's crappy new show "The Marriage Ref" decided it would be a totally great idea to bring in Madonna as one of the celebrity experts to judge other people's marital problems. Hey, Jerry, you know who would be a much better marriage counselor? Absolutely anyone else.

The show invites its panel of "experts" to help analyze real-life disputes between married couples, mostly for laughs. Host Tom Papa, aka The Marriage Ref, makes the final call.
In one case, Mindy Goldman was offering sexual favors to Alan, her husband of 28 years, if he would clean up their messy basement.
A good idea? "I think it's weird that she wants him to be clean so that they can be dirty," cracked Madonna. (Source)

No offense to Madonna here, but just in case you forgot, this is the same woman who dated JFK Jr. AND Sandra Bernhard. At the same time. While she was married to Sean Penn. And then she went on to date Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman. Did you know on divorce forms, you can actually list "Because of that bitch Madonna" as a cause for separation? It's called the "Crazy Old Grandmother Who Eats Children" clause.

Heigl and "Grey's Anatomy" Breaking Up (For Real This Time)

2010-03-12T17:00:00Z

Sources have confirmed that "Grey's Anatomy" creator Shonda Rhimes has finally agreed to let Katherine Heigl (pictured here looking even more boring than usual with her new brown hair) out of her contract after years of threats and shit-flinging so she can go make more of those crappy romantic comedies she likes s'darn much.

After taking more than half of the current season off to make another movie and connect with her adopted daughter, Heigl was scheduled to return to the Grey's set on March 1 to begin work on the five remaining episodes of the season. There's just one problem: March 1 came and went and there was no Heigl. A source within the actress' camp claims Heigl "was at home and ready to return to work."

Another insider, however, "insists it's much more complicated than that." The source adds that talks between Heigl and ABC have been going on for months and last week both sides mutually decided that the best solution would be to part ways now as opposed to at the end of the season. As a result, Heigl is not expected to return to the Grey's set, which means her final episode as Izzie has already aired. (Source)

The saddest part about this is that with Heigl not coming back at all to film her last episodes, loyal "Grey's Anatomy" viewers won't get the long-awaited payoff of seeing her character meet her grisly demise. Maybe they can give her a nice "Poochie"-style send off. "Note: Katherine Heigl died on the way back to her home planet."

Jessica Simpson is Gross

2010-03-12T16:00:00Z

You know when you go to the dentist and you feel totally guilty when they ask if you've been flossing daily because you know you haven't? Well Jessica Simpson doesn't even brush her teeth. Top that!

"I don't brush my teeth," she told iheartradio Thursday. "No, really!" "I just use Listerine -- and sometimes I'll use my sweater," she claimed, bursting into laughter.

"I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. Fine, maybe when I'm 60 I'll all, "ow!" (Source)

In other news, the only job worse than being Jessica Simpson's dental hygienist is Jessica Simpson's dry cleaner. "Goddammit! I didn't escape from North Korea to be getting plaque stains out of cashmere. I QUIT!"

More of Jessica Simpson outside of Letterman the other night:

Ring Ring...Hello, Lady Gaga? Your Video Sucks

2010-03-12T15:00:00Z

So after about a bajillion friggin' weeks of teasing the public about how great her video was gonna be, Lady Gaga finally released the video for Telephone last night and...Well, it sucks. It sucks harder than an entire army of Roombas. If you can't follow the storyline, first she's in jail or something (apparently, crimes against fashion are a real thing now. ZING!), and then Beyonce bails her out, so then they go and kill an entire diner for no discernible reason. Oh, and the entire thing is meant to be an homage to Quentin Tarantino, sort of like how an essay that a sixteen-year-old copy/pastes off the internet is an homage to whoever wrote it. And of course, Lady Gaga has a whole bunch of wacky new outfits, including slutty prisoner (2:15), slutty waitress (7:13), slutty lunch lady (6:20), and slutty Quaker Oats guy (4:25). Point is, it's sort of what Quentin Tarantino would make if he was a lobotomized prostitute...Song is pretty good though.

Snaps: Where's Commander Sark When You Need Him?

2010-03-11T21:00:00Z

In today's irrefutable proof that there is no God, they're making another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. In 3D. (Pajiba)

Jessica Simpson decided to step out of the house wearing a dress that made her look like a fat, gay cheetah. (Yeeeah!)

Because there simply aren't enough awesome things on tour, Conan O'Brien is taking his show on the road. (The Blemish)

Ashton Kutcher is starting to look like Justin Bieber, which is to say, a 14-year-old lesbian. (Seriously? OMG!)

Oh come on, saying Jon Hamm is better than George Clooney is like saying fine wine is better than having someone piss in your face. (Celebitchy)

Here's Fergie trying, and failing, to do her best "Slutty Tron" impression. (Evil Beet)

Whitney Port does us all a favour and takes one small step towards dying. (BricksandStones)

As much as the idea of a Smurfs movie pisses me off, so far the cast is suprisingly...good.(Agent Bedhead)

Dayum, Christina Ricci got Duh-Ruuuuuuuuunk as hell, yo. (POTP)

Here's that guy fro True Blood who keeps shooting "SOOKIE!" looking pretty damn good. (Popbytes)

Marion Cotillard Sticks Boobs On Her Forehead

2010-03-11T19:30:00Z

In light of Heidi Montag's unfunny Funny or Die video, and also in light of the fact that she has yet to fulfill the "or Die" section of her contract, here's Marion Cotillard's crack at it, which involves her sticking silicone boobs on her forehead to get men to look her in the freaking eyes already. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is; I love it when guys just stare at my ass constantly for no discernible reason. Mostly because men in general are dumb as shit and having them stare at my ass keeps them from actually opening their big stupid mouths around me, and in turn, it keeps me from mentally willing them into a coma. Truly a win-win situation for all involved.

Lady Gaga's Stupid Clothes Nearly Killed Her

2010-03-11T18:00:00Z

Lady Gaga boarded a flight at Heathrow airport wearing her usual quota of shithouse-rat crazy crap, and then she almost died because her stupid goddamn clothes started giving her Deep Vein Thrombosis. Yes, really: All those stupid clothes she wears nearly killed her, and all because she's apparently too damn good for a pair of jeans.

The US singer boarded a long-haul flight at Heathrow Airport wearing black and yellow tape and giant blue shoes designed by her friend, the late Alexander McQueen, and needed to be undressed by cabin crew later on, The Sun reported.
Her crazy garb was so uncomfortable it brought on the early stages of the potentially deadly deep vein thrombosis (DVT).
The experienced flight crew told Gaga she should get the outfit off quickly or risk long-term damage. (Source)

Hey, I love Lady Gaga, and I know she likes to look like a Barbie Doll on LSD at all times, but you know what? I like Wendy's Big Bacon Classic. But I don't eat that all the time or else I'll friggin' die. Likewise, if you continue strapping ten inch heels and fully-trimmed Christmas Trees to your hear, don't be surprised when your legs explode or your scrawney little neck snaps. And last time I checked, you can't bedazzle a coffin or start lining it with Gonzo the Great's fur.

Ha Ha, Heidi Fired Spencer

2010-03-11T17:00:00Z

In what is either the smartest dumb idea or the dumbest smart idea ever, Heidi totally ditched her creepy flesh-coloured-pedo-beard sporting husband as her manager, and instead replaces him with Aiden Chase, a psychic healer. To put things in perspective here, this is like dumping your lazy mooch of a boyfriend and then shacking up with a fortune cookie.

"After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager," Montag says. "Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has."  

"No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career," she adds. "I am going to have Aiden Chase help manage my new life and career in a very different and positive way with light and love. The time for change is now. Never mix business and pleasure. We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi." (Source)

I'm not really sure how to feel about this. On one hand, Spencer is a grade-a sack of crap, and he looks like the kind of guy who hangs out at playgrounds asking six-year-old girls if they'll help him find his missing puppy. On the other hand, considering that her new manager is a "healer intuitive," she could have just bought herself a magic 8-ball and saved herself thousands. That, and at least a magic 8-ball wouldn't come over smelling like weed, granola and swamp-ass.

The Feldman Speaks

2010-03-11T16:00:00Z

Corey Feldman went on "Larry King Live" last night to talk about the death of his lifelong friend and "brother" Corey Haim, less than 12 hours after he had heard the news. I heard even Larry King was like, "Are you sure about this dude? I mean your friend literally just died." But Feldman soldiered on, firing back on last night's show at early reports that Haim had "overdosed."

"Until the coroner's report comes out and until we get specific evidence and until we know exactly what the toxicology report says, nobody knows [how Haim died], and nobody is going to know," Feldman said. "We are aware of the fact that Corey Haim has a long and detailed drug history and battled addiction for many, many years. I know it better than anybody, because I've been the guy stuffing charcoal down his throat when he was [overdosing]. I've been the guy trying to make him stand up or say a complete sentence. I've been through it with him many, many times, and it's happened very badly and very intensely through the years."

But then he went on to suggest what really might have killed Corey Haim: TMZ and Us Weekly. I knew it!

In light of Haim's death, Feldman suggested that society needs "to grow up and think about every time we laugh at somebody in the tabloids, every time we poke a finger at somebody and say, 'They're a joke' or 'They're fat' or 'They're a drug addict' or 'They're washed up' or 'They're a loser,' we need to look at ourselves and say, 'Who am I?' " (Source)

Need I mention, that Corey Feldman and Corey Haim actually appeared on a reality show together where the whole point was to laugh at them for being washed-up losers. (Unless I missed the point, of course.) But I guess it's all fun and games until someone loses a Corey. And anyway, if poking fun at asshole celebrities was that dangerous, I myself should have technically killed Paris Hilton ten times over by now.

Carrie Prejean Should Never Have Kids EVER

2010-03-11T15:00:00Z

So TMZ caught up with Shanna Moakler while she was out and about, and when the subject of Carrie Prejean came up, Shanna said she wished Carrie would be blessed enough to have gay children. Personally? Noooooooo. Little gay kids are awesome as hell no matter what anyone says about them, but Christ, Carrie Prejean doesn't deserve to have kids period. Seriously, they should make it mandatory that if you're IQ is lower than your shoe size and you're a hateful C-U-Next Tuesday, they forcibly remove your reproductive organs before your sheer stupidity effs up the gene pool like a six-year-old pissing in the shallow end. Applied eugenics, bitch.

Snaps: What The Eff Ever...I'm Posting Shirtless RyRy

2010-03-10T21:00:00Z

So Steven Lloyd Wilson looked back at Jurassic Park, and surprise! It didn't age well. (Pajiba)

Ewwwwww, gross, Demi Moore taught her daughter how to strip. (Yeeeah!)

Here's an interview Taylor Momsen did with Parade magazine (oooooh, how rebellious) about how rebellious she is. Ugh, whatever Taylor Momsen. (The Blemish)

Awwww, Gwyneth GOOPy Paltrow doesn't like having her picture taken. Boo-goddamn-hoo, whore. (Seriously? OMG!)

Apparently, Lisa Marie Presley "Ballooned to 165 lbs." Yeah, kilograms more like it. (Celebitchy)

Roman Polanski's wife is all sad that people are bashing her husband for raping kids. You know what makes me sad? Kids being raped, you dumb whore. (Celebslam)

Oh look, Hilary Duff got a (ghost)writing deal. Choke on it. (HollyWire)

Gerard Butler are on the cover of some two-bit magazine which means they're dating or some shit. (CelebSmack)

Here's Natalie Portman in a tiny dress. (usemycomputer)

Here's Beth Ditto looking goddamn terrifying as hell. Just...GOD, what the hell is that? (popbytes)

Oh my God, Kelis and Kanye are the same person. Which means Kelis is a gay fish. Ha. (Evil Beet)

Oh Look, Mad Men Barbie Do-OH CHRIST KILL IT WITH FIRE

2010-03-10T20:00:00Z

Look, here's the thing: Mad Men? Awesome show. Jon Hamm? Sexy as hell. January Jones and Christina Hendricks? Also sexy. But...this? This is just...No. First off, Christina Hendricks' doll has apparently completely lost any trace of boobage. Second, January Jones and Christina are now apparently twins or something like that. And third, what in the hell happened to Don Draper? He looks like what would happened if Lurch knocked up a zombie. And then you beat that Lurch-Zombie baby with an ugly stick. All I'm saying is, just because you can turn someone into a Barbie Doll, doesn't mean you necessarily should.