Litely Salted

Snaps: Winnie!

2010-05-13T20:00:00Z

I normally don't say this about teen movies, mostly because teen movies normally suck and don't star Emma Stone, but holy crap, "Easy A" looks pretty damn amazing. (Pajiba)

Sadly, as bad as Mariah Carey looks in these pictures, these can still be considered a good day for her. (Yeeeah!)

Stills from the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape have surfaced and for God's sake, stop looking into the camera, ya friggin' idiot. (The Blemish)

Sadly, this is still one of Russell Brand's less trashy moments. (Seriously? OMG!)

Awwwww, Abigail Breslin is still completely and totally adorable. (Celebitchy)

Because I never need an excuse not to pimp her out, here's Kate Nash's new video for "Doo Wah Do". (popbytes)

Larry King and his wife called off their divorce, probably because Larry King would probably die before they ever settled the matter. (BricksandStones)

One of the guys from "Jersey Shore" is going to represent Baskin-Robbins. You know, the hot one. With the hair? (Agent Bedhead)

America's Favourite Nazi Whore showed off her glamorous side on some two-bit tabloid, which is sort of like saying that shit is a delicious side-dish. (POTP)

And because I can, here's your gratuitous Winnie Cooper post of the day. (Evil Beet)

Nevermore...Please God, Just Nevermore

2010-05-13T18:30:00Z

Do not adjust your monitors: This is not a slutty raven but is, in fact, Crazy Tits wearing the absolute dumbest goddamn thing ever. I think she was aiming for somewhere between "Bad Final Fantasy Cosplay" and "Skinemax Villain", only to end up with "Evil Drag Queen Midget". The only thing worse than seeing the second runner up in the Miss Methadone Clinic Pageant wearing whatever the hell this is would have to be the idea that someone out there sat down and thought "You know what would make good nipple pasties? Belts. Goddammit, I am on FIRE today!"

Speidi Is Officially Crazy AND Broke

2010-05-13T17:00:00Z

With every celebrity trainwreck, there's always the moment where things go from "Ha ha! Let's laugh at the sub-mentals" to "Wow, this is actually incredibly depressing, someone please put them out of their misery," and oh would you look at that, Speidi's finally hit it. Spencer is now a raving lunatic (well, more so than usual anyway) and now the two-headed moral vacuum have basically completely goddamn broke.

Said Jenner, "Lately, it hard for me -- even as someone who used to be best friends with him -- to see what's real and what's not as far as he goes... I see he wants attention."

Jenner also said Pratt "got all crazy with those crystals," on which Us Weekly has reported the Pratts have spent $400,000.

Us Weekly also reports that the couple are in "panic mode" about losing their source of income because neither has taped since Mid-April. (Spencer was suspended from the MTV hit after threatening to kill a producer; Heidi's role was reduced after she objected to a faux-divorce story line.) (Source)

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, what with Heidi trying to turn herself into one of those creepy Old Navy mannequins and Spencer doing everything in his power to look and act like someone who will rape a 12-year-old girl and stick her body under the crawlspace. All I'm saying is, give them six months; They're either going to end up on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Douche" or "FOX's Wildest Celebrity Murder-Suicides."

Rachel Uchitel Is Nucking Futs

2010-05-13T15:30:00Z

So apparently the text messages between Angel (He will forever be known as Angel, goddammit!) and Rachel Uchitel, AKA "The Woman Who Puts The Wood In Hollywood" have leaked out, and as it turns out, little miss "I will fuck anything with two legs and an IMDB page" might not be all that mentally stable. I'll give you guys a minute to recover from that shocking discovery.

Uchitel: "Just (bleeping) go and be with her."

Boreanaz: "Why do u act like such a (bleeping) child!!! She is my wife."

Uchitel: "Oh, please!! ... You're such a liar. You're never leaving. You've wasted my time and I'm once again alone." She adds: "I can't (bleeping) be alone anymore. I've been alone my entire life."

Boreanaz: "What the HELL are you talking about. We spend more than enough time together." (Source)

Just putting this out there Rachel, but if you want a man, you might want to consider the ones who aren't married. Seems like kind of a no-brainer. It's sort of like going over to someone's house then throwing a bitch-fit when they won't hand over the deed. "Goddammit, I showed you my vagina! THE ENTIRE WORLD OWES ME NICE THINGS FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON!"

My Eyes Are Bleeding

2010-05-13T14:00:00Z

Stephen Baldwin, who you might remember from such cinematic classics as Sharks In Venice and Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice, got naked for Cosmo because apparently Cosmo readers have a thing for doughy basket-cases. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the same guy who threw a shit-fit when they tried to open an adult bookstore in the middle of goddamn nowhere, but appearing nude in Cosmo? A-OK. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things, but quite frankly, I'd much rather see teenage girls in said bookstore then have them subjected to Captain Bitchtits up there. All I know is, if we don't restore Stephen Baldwin soon, he might go full peen. And that is something that cannot be undone.

Snaps: Dr. Phil Still Looks Like A Walrus

2010-05-11T20:00:00Z

For those of you who couldn't give two shits about "Sex And The City 2: Sandy Vaginas", here are the 10 Most Anticipated Anti-Blockbusters. (Pajiba)

So Dr. Phil shaved that stupid mustache off of his face and OH JESUS KILL IT WITH FIRE. (Yeeeah!)

Hey, remember how Lindsay tried suing E-Trade over the Milkaholic Baby? Well, there defense is basically just one long document calling Lindsay a drunk whore. (The Blemish)

And in other "Everyone hates Lindsay" news, the director of "I Know Who Killed Me" pretty much threw Lindsay under the bus for being an unprofessional whore. (Agent Bedhead)

You know, it was only a matter of time before a Tiger Woods Freudian slip got out there. (Seriously? OMG!)

Surprisingly, that girl who got a reality TV show for robbing celebrities is going to jail. (Celebitchy)

Channing Tatum is going to be giving it to Winona Ryder in an upcoming movie. (BricksandStones)

Katy Perry topped Maxim's Hot 100 List, and I'm pinning this one entirely on Mike Ruiz. (POTP)

Cynthia Nixon, AKA the only likable part of "Sex And The City" at this point, is on the cover of The Advocate. (popbytes)

America's Favourite Nazi Whore Gets A Butt Tattoo

2010-05-11T18:30:00Z

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee something something tattoo something something her ass something something and oh shut your stupid goddamn trap you fucking white supremacist whore. You know, I never really understood why this bitch got so many tattoos anyway, especially since they probably get covered up by her Klan robe. But hey, for those of you who get off to delusional famewhores who look like they set their Homer Simpson makeup gun to "$5 Third Reich Hooker", I hear you can get half-off on the price of her site if you enter the promotional code "I<3Hitler".

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun

2010-05-11T17:00:00Z

Because two of a good thing is always better than one, Helen Fucking Mirren has her own wax figure at Madam Tussauds. This officially marks the closest you will ever get to a threesome with two Helen Fucking Mirrens ... At least until they invent a cloning machine. Then you can fulfill all your perverted little twin fantasies without that whole "incest" thing ruining it for you. Anyway, grab some Jergens, a couple towels, and head back to your bunk; you've got a long night of fantasizing about Helen Fucking Mirren ahead of you.

Let's Play a Game...

2010-05-11T16:00:00Z

Which one of these women is Hulk Hogan's daughter and which one is he banging? And .... GO! It's a trick question, right? Because they look completely identical. What, did you think I was gonna say it was a trick question because Hulk Hogan is probably also banging his daughter? *thinks* OK, I guess I'll give you the point.

Editor's note: Nice bathing suit to wear out in public, blonde on the right.

I CAN HAZ MANEH DICHS

2010-05-11T15:00:00Z

Remember Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape which turned out to be sex tapes, plural? Well the sex tapes plural also reportedly feature multiple partners, plural. Well now, that's just whorey.

A document governing the potential sale of Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape reveals that multiple partners were featured having intimate relations with the reality TV star, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

Kendra is threatening to sue over the release of a sex tape she made when she was 18. Vivid obtained the tape and the porn company says it will soon distribute it. (Source)

Honestly, I don't really know who would even want to watch a Kendra Wilkinson sex tape anyway. Don't get me wrong, she has an amazing body; the Playboy thing I can understand. But Playboy pictures don't talk. On the other hand, who wants to see a chick getting double-penetrated when she laughs like this after literally everything she says? "Oooh, baby. I like it like that. AHAHAHAHAHAH." "Harder! Harder! AHAHAHAHAHAH."

The Douchey One And The Druggy One Are Fighting

2010-05-11T14:00:00Z

Because it was really only a matter of time before this happened, Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne have gotten themselves into a feud. And of course, it involves drinking, calling each other "Fake" and "Loser," going to security, and one of the assholes from "The Hills." Yeah, I think that about covers it.

An eyewitness told Page Six: "Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi.
"But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: 'Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don't like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.'"
Lindsay was furious and screamed back: 'Don't threaten me!' She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off." (Source)

I think the only part better than Avril Lavigne calling someone a fake and a loser without a feeling any sense of irony whatsoever is that Lindsay actually went to security, as if they have some sort of procedure for this. "Aw crap, we got ourselves a whore fight. Get me a can of mace and some RU-486; I'm going in."

Snaps: Golden Girl

2010-05-07T20:00:00Z

"Iron Man 2" may be a little thicker around the waist, but it's still a hell of a fuck. (Pajiba)

Amazing; somewhere out there, someone saw Pamela Anderson and thought "Okay, but what would she look like dipped in gold?" (Yeeeah!)

Ke$ha'$ crotch will make you want to $tab out your own eye$ with a ru$ty $pork. (The Blemish)

Betty White. Playing Beer Pong. You're welcome. (Seriously? OMG!)

Taylor Swift donated $500,000 to Nashville flood victims. Seriously? Good for her. (Celebitchy)

Wow, Matthew Broderick is...Ummm, yeah. Nerdy. (Celebslam)

Here's the cover of Hilary Duff's new novel. Yes, really. (HollyWire)

Sadly, what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. Preferably in a shallow grave outside of town. Isn't that right, Crazy Tits? (CelebSmack)

Oh Pink, I love you, but you might want to work on the whole "Not bashing your husband" thing. (Evil Beet)

Lil Wayne's new song samples the theme from "The Office". No, really. (popbytes)

Apparently, Will Schuester really does not want an all-Britney episode of "Glee". (Allie Is Wired)

The Whores Are Fighting

2010-05-07T19:00:00Z

Here's America's Favourite Nazi Whore, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, promoting a wrestling match between herself and Gina Lynn. Yeah, I'm not sure who she is either, but as long as she can knock the remaining teeth out of the poorly-tattooed meth-whore's face, then I'm on team Gina. On the plus side, I bet all those white power tattoos will cover up the bruising pretty damn nicely.

I CAN HAZ SEX TAPEZ?!?!

2010-05-07T18:00:00Z

You know that sex tape that Kendra Wilkinson is apparently super pissed off about? Yeah, about that...Well, first off, it's actually "Sex Tapes," not "Sex Tape." You know, plural. More than one. And second: Yeah, she might not be quite as pissed off about that as she says she is. As in, she set up her own company to sell them.

Documents from 2008 that Radar recently obtained indicate Kendra set up a company called Home Run Productions LLC to shop the XXX footage. There are multiple references to "the tapes," meaning there is more than one. The papers are dated November 2008, after she and Hank publicly announced their engagement, and Home Run Productions LLC was created under Kendra's name that month.
Radar previously reported that Kendra will address the sex tape controversy on her reality show, which could be a ratings boon even if her lawyers are successful in blocking the tape's release. (Source)

Ummmm ... Shocker? I think? Oh who the hell are we kidding, did anybody not expect the Playmate who made a career out of boning Hugh Hefner to be, well, kind of a freak in the bed? Honestly, at this point most people know more about Kendra Wilkinson's va-jay-jay then they do about their own bodies. "Oh, Kendra has to most adorable little freckle on her taint! ...When the hell did I get this mole?"

Oh Look, It's HOE-stradamus

2010-05-07T17:00:00Z

Crazy Tits, the face of modesty and humbleness, is apparently a goddamn psychic now. No, really. She watched The Time Traveler's Wife (which is, by the way, a terrible movie) and decided that oh my God! She could see the future, and that because of this, The Man is trying to keep her down. Actually, that's because you're filthy disease-ridden whore, but go on...

U know why I cried when I watch "The Time Traveler's Wife?" Because I'm no time traveler, yet I'm a psychic....sometimes its amazing..

Yet sometimes it sucks..Because I always know what's going to happen. Good things will happen, but because of that, some bad ppl wna stop me (Source)

Well gosh, she's like a modern day Nostradamus, isn't she? You know, if Nostradamus was syphilis-infected whore who faked having a miscarriage for attention. Call me crazy, but I think Crazy Tits is a little less "Crystal Ball" and a little more "Crystal Meth."